What The FUCK Am I Writing
The tall, dark, handsome human know as Quann was walking through the streets of Ponyville. Every mare he passed instantly had an orgasm. He went to the tree house library. He looked at the door and it exploded off its hinges. The door flew through the room and slammed into Spike’s head, instantly killing him. Twilight completely ignored the fact that her sla… I mean assistant just died. Twilight nervously kicked the porno mag she was just clopping to under the table.
“Oh Quann, I wasn’t expecting you.” she said, trying to wipe off the lady juices from her hoof. Quann held out his hand and Twilight placed her clean hoof in it. He tossed her onto his back and looked up at the ceiling. He took off at mach speed, instantly breaking the sound barrier and leveling the library. He passed a pegasus who plummeted to her death after falling into an orgasm induced sleep. He flew through the floor of Rainbow Dash’s cloud house and landed in her bedroom. She was softly snoring in her cloud bed, a Spitfire plushie hugged firmly to her chest. Quann would have found it cute, but he was a man and men didn’t find things cute. Except for that fag Cooper. Instead Quann grabbed the mattress and flipped it. Rainbow flew through the air and hit the ground with a soft thud.
“Hey, what gives!” she demanded. She rubbed her eyes and look at a nearby clock,
“It’s only 3 pm!”
She looked at her assailant. Her jaw dropped when she realized who she had been yelling at.
“I’m so, so sorry Quann. I didn’t realize…”
Quann put a finger to her lips. He grabbed Twilight’s tail and held it in front of RD’s face. She hesitantly bite down on it. Once again, Quann took to the skies, now followed by a rainbow trail.
Quann landed in the center of Sweet Apple Orchard, creating a giant crater. Big Macintosh’s mouth was agape, the piece of straw he was chewing on fell to the ground. His two sisters stood to either side of him. Both were frothing at the gash at the sight of the hunk of man meat that was Quann. Big Mac’s surprise quickly turned to anger and he began to walk towards Quann. Applejack shock her head and pulled out a knife. She walked to the nearest tree and carved ‘In Loving Memory Of Big Macintosh’. Quann brushed the dust of himself as Big Mac approached the crater. Quann climbed out of the crater and was face-to-face with red stallion. Quann shot daggers at the Apple colt. For a second Big Mac lost his nerve, but quickly regained it.
“Ah hope ya know yer gonna pay fer that.” he said, anger dripping from his words. Quann simply reached out a finger and poked Big Mac in the forehead.
“Omae wa mo shindeiru.”
“Eeyup.” was Big Macintosh’s last words before his head inflated and exploded into a slushy of grey matter. Quann kicked the corpse aside and swaggered towards the mares of Sweet Apple Acres. He grabbed Applejack by the scruff of her neck and tossed her onto the pile of women upon his back. Applebloom put on her big puppy dog eyes,
“Can ah come too?” she asked in a sad tone. Quann hesitated at the adorableness but still shook his head. Pedobear stepped out from behind a nearby tree,
“Don’t worry, I got this.”
He picked up the filly and tossed her in the back of a windowless whit van with ‘free cutie marks’ crudely painted on the side. She found herself among the Cutie Mark Crusaders and other black-flanks.
“Aye you here to get you cutie mark too?” Sweetiebelle asked her in an excited tone. The engine revved to life and Pedobear and his van full of fillies drove off into the sunset. Still a better love story than Twilight.
“She’ll be fine, ah used to hang out with that guy as a filly myself.” Applejack exclaimed.
“That explains a lot.” Rainbow Dash said under her breath. And on that note Quann once again flew high into the sky in search of more bitches. He flew over Carousel Boutique. The pleasured screams and moans of Rarity as she got fucked by 7 stallions at once could be heard for miles. Quann flew over, ignoring the whore of a mare, his aim was for a small cottage on the outskirts of town. Quann spotted the yellow pegasus stirring a large pot of stew through a window. He landed and walked through the front door so he wouldn’t startle the mare. He tapped her on the shoulder, causing her to jump.
“Oh, h-hi Quann.” she said, blushing. Quann gave her a big hug and threw her onto the pile of mares. Just as he was about to take off, he got a whiff of the stew. He took a ladle and dipped it into the pot. When he brought it back out, a bunny skull was sitting in the broth. He looked to Fluttershy. She smiled, revealing rows of razor sharp fangs. Quann just shrugged and took off.
Meanwhile in Canterlot…
Shining Armor sprinted to the foot of Celestia’s throne.
“Princess, Quann is gathering all the mares in Equestria for a giant orgy!”
“And I wasn’t invited?!?!” the Princess demanded. A loud crash shock that castle. Celestia peered out the window to see Quann, and a long chain of mares with her sister trailing at the end. Celestia let out a sigh,
“You know what to do.”
From the darkest corner of the room an unfathomable evil awoke.
“It will be done milady.” a British accent sprouted from the darkness. Shining armor was shaking in his boots. A puddle of urine formed around his hooves. The figure stepped out of the shadow and jumped through one of the stained glassed windows.
Luna’s moon glistened off Quann’s pecks. A gunshot rang out and wised by his head. Standing on top of a clock tower was Mark, Quann’s former friend and paladin of the Church of the Sun Goddess.
“Hello old chap, it is jolly good to see you again. I have been sent by the princess to stomp you crumpets. I assure you, This fight will not be proper bollocks.” he said, reloading his flintlock pistol. Quann threw the bitches aside and started charging his ki. For some reason his shirt disintegrated, revealing and infinity pack. Each ab of the six pack and another six pack on it and each ab of that six pack hand another six pack on it, exedra, exedra. He went super sayian 5 and fired a hail of ki blasted, igniting the City in explosions and fire.
12 hours later.
Both Quann and Mark were beaten and worn out, standing in the remains of the mountainside city. Quann charged at his English adversary and with the last of his energy delivered a devastating punch to Mark’s jaw. Mark was launched across Canterlot and smashed through another of the stained glass windows of the palace.
“FUCK, do you know how expensive it is to replace those!?!” Celestia shouted. Mark reached out a hand,
“I have failed you.”
“No shit, Sherlock.”
Quann gathered his lost pile of bitches and flew all around Equestria, collecting every mare he could.
“And then he brought them back to his shag pad and fucked every single one. The end.” Discord read from the book titled ‘The Big Fucking Book Of Not Giving A Fuck For Fuck’s Sake’.
“Dad?” Discord’s son, Discord Jr. asked.
“Yes son?” he replied.
“What the FUCK was that?”
“Exactly.” he replied with a smile.