Confessions and Regrets of a Forgotten Pony
Twilight Sparkle inspected the book as well as she could with her failing eyesight. It was bound in faded leather, the pages torn and frayed and almost falling out. Inside were a couple pages of messy handwriting, written in ink, but most of the book was blank.
"The only personal item found of Trixie Lulamoon before her sudden disappearance," the elderly unicorn spoke out loud. "Let's see what it is."
She placed the book on the table in front of her. "Spike, bring me my reading glasses."
No answer. Twilight smiled to herself. How long would it take for her to remember? She was alone.
She opened the book and began to read.
January 1, 2013
Dear Diary,
I don't know why I'm calling you "Diary". I don't know why I'm personalising you and even calling you "you". But I suppose I must now since I don't have a diary, and I want somewhere to put my thoughts, despite who gave you to me.
She was trying to help me, I'm sure. Trying to convince me she loved me. But I had learned not to fall for that game years ago.
I'm starting off on such a negative note. I don't believe in constant negativity, or at least I don't think I do. I would like to think I am optimistic, but even the thought makes me laugh. If I am optimistic, I would be happy. I am not happy.
You, the reader of my diary or what I have of one, are probably wondering who I am. I am Trixie Lulamoon, once called Great and Powerful. You've heard of me.
Oh, who am I kidding?
The pony I was speaking of earlier was my mother. I don't want to write about my relationship with her, at least not now. I will get around to eventually writing about her and my other family members, but now I need to leave for my father's house to visit him and his family. Believe me, if I could, I would stay here and keep writing, but Mother might grow impatient. I don't want that.
I will return to write more in the future.
Trixie
~~~
January 14, 2013
I abandoned you, didn't I, diary? I'm sorry. I promised to explain my family, and I will, to make up for temporarily leaving you.
You've probably heard of my father. Hoity Toity, the most successful stallion in the fashion industry today. Or that's what he thinks. If you asked him, he would explain each and every model he encountered and dress he sold, but I've slowly learned that most of his tales are fake. That doesn't bother me much, though. I don't want anything else to bother me.
Anyway, he married my mother in 1989, and had my sister six months later. I'll get to her later. Together my mother and father had my brother and I, three foals total, and but a month before I was born they divorced. My mother has caught him with another mare, a thin, white model unicorn, younger and prettier than she. He married the model, and had two children with her.
My mother is Silver Star, a blue unicorn with a pink mane. She raised us by one method; leaving us alone. I liked it somewhat, being left to my own devices, but sometimes I would wish for somepony to take care of me.
While we made our own meals and played alone, she would stay in her bedroom, taking her "medicine". What else she did I am unaware of, but I really don't want to know. If it weren't for the maid and Moondancer, we would probably starve.
Oh, how could I forget Moondancer.
My sister, and probably the closest to a proper guardian I ever had. She's five years older than I and definitely acts it. My father loves her, calling her the only good thing to come of his previous marriage. She's prettier than I, with her thin white body and horn and curly pink mane. Everypony likes her, when I think about it. The musical prodigy and probably the only pony in my family to ever be famous for the right reason. She was playing concertos before she even received her cutie mark, three golden stars, symbolising the stars she will make herself and her parents, I suspect. I despise her, I always have. How she would always be better than me. And mother and father will always love her more.
My brother is Pokey Pierce. He's the only normal one in this stupid family. His special talent is foal sitting, and somehow popping balloons as well. He likes me, which is all I ever ask of anypony. I like him too, but we're not extremely close. He would help me with homework and play games with me, but never so close that I could tell him how I truly felt. And he would always take Moondancer's side over mine, whenever I tried to swipe cookies behind her back when all she fed me were vegetables or that time when Moondancer's leg was sprained when somepony accidentally pushed her down a hill.
My stepsisters are named Octavia and Silver Spoon. Silver Spoon is very young, and only received her cutie mark two years ago. Father sent her to live with a distant relative in Ponyville, where she attends a small school and almost never sees her parents or sister. I understand that the fillies in Ponyville have such bad behavior that hers is being affected. She's a bit of a brat, Father tells me. I can't imagine that it could be a result of his parenting.
Octavia is about my age, and lives with my father in Canterlot, and she plays the cello at parties and once even the Grand Galloping Gala. Of course Father likes her because she is successful. I think that's why he left Mother, because she wasn't important enough for him. His current wife is a model, like I mentioned before, and even though she is seen with stallions all the time, kissing and doting on them like she didn't love anyone else. But they still stay together, because they're both famous, important ponies. Not because they love each other.
I don't understand love. I don't understand how a pony would love another. The love I have seen seems forced, or only because of money and fame.
Oh, Moondancer, the queen of my life, is calling. I'll be back shortly.
Trixie
~~~
January 16, 2013
One reason why I despise the concept of fame and fortune is because of the strong feeling I get when speaking to those who have the privilege of experiencing it: jealousy. I'm ashamed to admit it, but I feel it when I'm near Moondancer, Octavia, Father and via wife, and most embarrassing of all, Twilight Sparkle.
Aha, there's a name you know. The savior of Equestria.
I HATE PONIES WHO ARE PERFECT.
I HATE PONIES WHO THINK THEY'RE BETTER THAN EVERYPONY ELSE.
I HATE PONIES WHO THINK I'M LIKE THAT.
AND I HATE TWILIGHT SPARKLE.
I love Twilight Sparkle.
I really do hate her, more than Moondancer and Mother and Father.
I hate fame and fortune because when you have it, you can only react to it in two ways.
You can be proud, like Father or his wife. You can think you're better than everyone else and be the most important pony in Equestria in your eyes. Or you can pretend you have modesty. Like you don't deserve your fame and you're more than willing to give it up. You can pretend that it's not the important thing in your life and it doesn't define who you are. Like Moondancer, Octavia, and most of all, Twilight Sparkle.
They all think they are perfect. And they're not!
They are, they really are.
If fame and fortune define who you are in this world, then I don't want to be a part of it. It seems so wrong. I want to be perfect like my sisters and Twilight, but I know I can't without trying to do what I know I can't.
February 23, 2013
I'm sorry for not writing. I've been so busy in my own thoughts.
Princess Celestia is the most famous pony in Equestria, and why? Because of her power. Her wealth. That's all she's famous for. I know that she has fan clubs and enthusiasts about her, but that's really all I know about her. I don't know about any ponies she has helped or anything special she did to deserve her power. She's just famous because of it. Nothing else.
I don't believe it is Celestia or the very important ponies that really rule Equestria. It's the little ponies, the ones that are never famous or important, the ones that at the same time are the most important ponies in the nation. Because they actually do things.
I've made mistakes in my time. In an attempt for revenge, I used something deadly and it took over my mind. Without thinking, I enslaved a whole city and hurt several ponies. It's a blur now, and I can't think of it without feeling overwhelming pain and regret, but I do remember one thing.
The ponies in the town were the heroes then. They joined together, one mind, to stop me and being their freedom back. I admire them. The unrecognised heroes, standing up for what they believed, and never receiving thanks or payment. They accepted their victory and moved on, not expecting anything more.
I'm so confused.
Trixie
~~~
February 26, 2013
Power and money is what really rules this nation, and I'm sick of it. I'm getting physically angry about it, hurling things against my bedroom wall and screaming at my siblings.
I'm such a wreck. I don't know what to think or what to do, I just want to be alone and not have to think about anything. If I think, then I get angry and I want to hurt somepony.
Am I turning into a monster?
I can't help it, and I have no one to turn to. Everypony hates me now, and I'm helpless. If I could just make amends, be nicer to Moondancer and Pokey, maybe I would be happier. I just need to have better relationships. Make some friends.
Ponies can encourage me, if I let them. I'm sure if I just had better relationships I would have a happier life, and forget about my problems.
Moondancer keeps wordlessly suggesting I take therapy, but how would I explain this? I'm feeling rage and terror and regret, and I can't stop. Not even friends can help me.
I WISH I COULD BE PERFECT.
I WISH I COULD BE NICER TO PONIES
I WISH.
This journal has turned out to be nothing but somewhere I can rant. I'm sorry, really. But the paper and pen are the only things that will accept my feelings.
Thank you, Diary. I almost feel like you are a friend, in a way. You listen to me, but you can't offer encouragement or advice, and that's what I need.
I'm leaving now. Thank you again for listening, even if you are just a bunch of paper.
Goodbye.
Trixie
Twilight Sparkle didn't bother reading any further, or looking for another entry. She knew there was nothing. Closing the book, the old mare took a deep breath and looked over her shoulder. No one was there. The cold, dark library was empty.
The wave of memories hit Twilight like a gust of wind. She remembered Trixie, her silent efforts to be known and liked. Twilight had never bothered to ask, never even crossed her mind to ask if that unicorn was okay. If she needed a friend.
"Maybe," she said, her words echoing in the empty building. "I could have prevented it."
Where Trixie was now no one knew. If she was dead, or alive somewhere. If she had started a family or gotten a job.
"No one asks," Twilight sighed. "No one ever asks. I'm sorry, Trixie."
She blew out the candle on the table and the room was shrouded in darkness.
