Lyra Versus Santa Claus

by SeventhAgent

Rating: teen
Tags: Adventure, Comedy
Length: 1064

Not too long ago, ponies celebrated a strange holiday about a jolly bearded man giving presents to tiny fillies and colts. That is, until one particular green-coated, human-obsessed pony had a wonderful, awful idea...

Not very long ago, there was another holiday besides Hearth's Warming Eve that everypony celebrated. A holiday about a big, fat, jolly human who would reward the good and scold the bad little colts and fillies.
Key word here: "was." Because one day, a certain Lyra Heartsrings got to thinking about Christmas, and when Lyra gets to thinking about something, there are always interesting results.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2012-12-29 00:43:55 UTC

Chapter One

Lyra Versus Santa Claus

By Agent S7

Happy Hearth's Warming Eve!

Yes, this is what everypony tells one another on December 25th, in the magical land of Equestria. There's much rejoicing over this wonderful winter Independence Day. So much laughter, so many gifts, so much joy and friendship.

But not many ponies know that just a few years ago, they were celebrating an entirely different holiday. A special, magical holiday.

That's right-until the Greeting Card Company Multiversal Meta-Crisis, Sweetest Day was celebrated in Equestria! Also, unrelated to said crisis, so was Christmas.

Yes, Christmas in Equestria! Hear those sleigh-bells ring as ponies pull each other on sleds! Catch those snow-flakes on your tongues! Dress up in the classic red and white of good ol' Saint Nick, the legendary magical human who gave presents to all the good little fillies and colts and coal to every naughty pony! The cool, dry night air was filled with old and beloved Christmas carols.

But no matter the song, the air in Equestria buzzed with joy and compassion and love as everyone prepared for that magical event-the arrival of Santa Claus himself!

Yes, everyone down in Ponyville liked Christmas a lot. But Lyra Hearstrings, who lived on the north side of Ponyville...did not.

Lyra sat on the flat roof of her house, staring out with yellow eyes, her green fur slightly damp with snow and her hoof on her chin. She watched it all from up there, loathing twisting her face. Lyra Heartsrings harumphed and sighed, and finally, in a low drone, began to recite:

"Those ponies and their bright shiny boxes

Their candies and carols and Kella-Kick-Loxes!

Their songs and their sleighrides and the snow in the sky

And who could forget that obese Santa guy!

I hate every one of those holiday things

And all of the mirth that this holiday brings!"

"Um."

Lyra blinked. Her friend and roommate since university, Bon-Bon, had made her way onto the roof. The bags under her eyes and the massive mug of coffee in her hand told a story that seemed to fly right over Lyra's head.

"Oh, hi!" Lyra piped. "What's up, Bon-Bon?"

"Nothing much," said Bon-Bon, her voice monotone. "Well, actually, my best friend has been sitting on the roof all night alternating between singing angsty pop songs and reciting menacing poetry and keeping me up all night. But otherwise, I'm good."

"How inconsiderate," said Lyra with a huff. "Also, I didn't know you had another best friend!"

Bon-Bon let out one of her long-suffering, ragged morning sighs. "You know what? Don't even worry about it." Bon-Bon crouched down beside Lyra, deciding against trying to sit with two legs like her strange friend.

Lyra grinned. "No, I know what you meant. I'm sorry, Bon-Bon. I seriously didn't mean to keep you up. I've just been thinking about stuff."

Well, that was alarming. Lyra seemed to have three states: normal (or what qualified as "normal" for Lyra), thoughtless (the few occasions when Lyra got too self-involved and invariably caused some kind of chaos) and "thinking about stuff." Normal Lyra was fun to be around and thoughtless Lyra was deal-with-able, but "thinking about stuff" Lyra...that was the kind of Lyra that really started throwing everything out of control.

"What...kind of stuff?" said Bon-Bon, knowing she wouldn't like the answer.

Lyra stood up on one leg, whirled around and almost tipped over the roof before stumbling forward and falling on all four legs. Then, calmly, she spoke: "Santa Claus."

"You've been thinking about Santa Claus?" said Bon-Bon. "The magical human for little fillies and colts? You've got to be kidding me."

"I'm not kidding. Think about it, Bon-Bon." Lyra waved her hoof over the crowds below. "All this adoration. All this belief in a human. And he's the only one? Ha!" She steepled her hooves...somehow. It gave Bon-Bon a headache to think about it.

Lyra continued: "So if there's one human, there could be more!"

"If Santa Claus is even real," said Bon-Bon. "I'm pretty sure the majority opinion is-"

Lyra stood up once "The majority opinion! Ha! Since when have I cared what they thought? No, I'm going to capture the big fat human. And I'll get all the information I need from him!"

Bon-Bon looked up from her mug of coffee. "You're going to capture and interrogate Santa Claus?"

"Interrogate is such a strong word. It's going to be more like an 'enhanced interview.'"

"Right," said Bon-Bon, and took a sip of her coffee. Cold, probably from sitting out in the cold on her own roof. "So, um. If you do somehow manage to capture Santa Claus, won't it ruin Christmas? I mean, you'd stop all those little fillies and colts from getting presents. That's kind of cold, Lyra."

And then that mean green mare's face lit up with an awful, sinister joy. "Exactly. If I don't get to enjoy Christmas, no one can!" And with that, she laughed a hideous laugh. It echoed across the crowded streets of Ponyville, through the Everfree Forest, even across the frontier and far off in the Crystal Kingdom. It was the laugh of a driven mare—somepony that would not settle for failure. Somepony that would settle for nothing less than the utter ruination of Christmas and the absolute vindication that a captured human would bring.

"Well," said Bon-Bon, and took a swig of her coffee. "That's nice."

Some crickets overheard the long silence and felt obliged to start chirping. Perhaps they'd seen too many movies.

Bon-Bon cleared her throat. "Hey, I'm going to get some more coffee. You want some?"

"No, I've already had four pots of coffee this morning."

"Oh, wow. I'm really surprised. Good luck with your Santa thing, Lyra."

"Luck at work, Bon-Bon."

Bon-Bon picked up her suitcase and shook her head, fighting back a smile. Lyra and her zany plans. Always getting into the strangest trouble. It was kind of endearing—for all of her strangeness, she had real dedication. Even if it was something stupid like catching Santa Claus or finding proof of humans, Lyra was still one impressive pony. If only she would put her will to something possible.

Capturing Santa Claus. Ha. Ridiculous.

Crazy.

Impossible.

As Bon-Bon walked out the door to head to the candy factory, she resolved to keep a much closer eye on Lyra this holiday.

END CHAPTER ONE