Chapters Cuddly Time Bombs and The Death Motel
So I think now you know where this is all headed. Blondy and Tiny Dancer saves the world with their new pet freak-of-nature. So, still here? *Sigh* At least I tried.
After we had pulled out of the gas station, I floored it and basically gave Jackson a rollercoaster ride down the windy roads. He stopped me just five minutes after we left the gas station, got out, threw up, then demanded that he drive instead. It was actually pretty funny.
Wussy.
So here I am with the rainbow mare on my lap with Travis driving, she was around the size of a full grown German Shepherd. Why is the rainbow mare with me you ask? Because after our last fiasco, we decided that the cyan blue pony had to be comfortable at all times. We needed somebody to absorb most of the shocks. So here she is, on my lap, snoring peacefully. Occasionally snuggling against me.
“She’s so cute it’s disgusting.” I said
“C’mon Nash, that is pretty adorable.”
“I’m gonna have a heart attack from all this cuteness.”
He was right. The cyan blue mare was extremely cute and her fur was smooth. But I knew that she was just waiting to strike. If she woke up, damn I’m dead. Jackson would probably have a half second head start and probably bail with the goods while she bashed my brains out. She was like a cute, cuddly time bomb.
I made sure to have her in maximum comfort at all times, even going as far as to stroke her and pet her mane. It felt good and she probably felt no different. Maybe even better. I was bored out of my mind with Travis granny-driving my car. Okay technically it was average speed but it felt like granny driving to me.
“C’mon Jackson speed up a little.”
“No way, I threw up once I ain’t throwing up again.”
“My car is crying.”
“I don’t give a damn if Optimus Prime is bawling, I’m driving.”
Travis continued his cautious ways while I gave up, took out my iPad and commenced playing Jetpack Joyride for two hours straight. I regret nothing. Okay, maybe I’d be doing a little better if I wasn’t so short sighted right now.
Four hours later...
Finally Travis managed to find a decent enough motel along the roads. It was three stories high and some of the windows had bullet holes. It was supposed to be called: ”The Death Valley Motel” but now the sign said: “The Death Va Motel”.
Lawl.
I managed to get a room for a measly $125 bucks. The room was pretty good. It had only a single bullet hole in the wall, the beds were in mint condition with the occasional scorpion lurking inside once in awhile. The TV was broken, every time we turned it on there was a well, then slowly and eventually, a ghost girl would climb out of the well and slowly shamble towards the TV. At this point we’d just shut off the TV before it reached the screen. Another thing is that it kept turning itself on, but we lived with it.
Eventually we had to smash the TV because it was creeping us out. Whether the involvement of sledgehammers and molotov cocktails is true or not, I will not tell.
Don’t look at me like that.
So anyways, we took turns hauling the luggage up. One would look after the little pony while the other would take his luggage up to the room, luckily nobody saw it. Once the luggage was all upstairs we brought the pony to the room. I set her down on my bed since Jackson refused to have the pony shed on his bed. I kinda liked animals so, why not?
As I went to take a bath in the less than “okay” bathroom, Jackson would occasionally poke the little pony and give me updates. The following lines of text are all from Jackson himself.
“Hey I poked it and I think it’s waking up.”
“Dude! It’s waking up!”
“False alarm, it just sneezed.”
“Hey Grace, Did you know it has a really firm ass?”
“It’s tail is really nice and warm.”
“Have I ever mentioned that it has a great ass?”
Sometimes, I really just don’t know about that boy.
I finished up my shower a bit quicker to save the creature from any more sexual harrassment from Travis, I emerged from the shower donning a pair of boxers and a t-shirt. As Jackson took his shower, I sat next to the pony and proceeded to continue stroking it. Hey, at least it’s better than having Captain Rape Jackson check whether her ass was firm or not.
I had actually gotten kinda addicted to the feeling of her mane. And her soft fur. I continued stroking it until Jackson came out of the shower wearing a tank top and hawaiian leaf designed boxers. Like a douche as always.
“So, what do we do now?” I asked
“Let’s wake the poor thing up. I don’t want her waking up in the morning and trashing the place.” Travis replied
I nodded and stared at the creature. I turned my attention back to Travis while still stroking the adorable little pony.
“Who’s gonna do the honors?”
“You’re doing it.”
“What?!”
“You seem to have gotten along quite well with her, so I guess you’re doing it.”
“You gutless little pussy.”
“Why, thank you.”
I lightly shook the mare. Travis hid under the coffee table. She stirred a bit but did not wake up. I shook her a little bit more aggressively, her eyelids flew open revealing two magenta orbs, she shot up and immediately tackled me. She snarled right in my face. This time I was a bit braver. I didn’t call for momma.
I called for uncle instead.
I shot my hands towards her neck and began scratching her behind the ears. She melted almost instantly onto my chest, her growls turned into soft moans, her eyes were half lidded and her tongue stuck out her mouth. I continued scratching her behind her ears, while slowly getting her off me. I managed to get her off me and onto the bed. I continued scratching while I asked her a question.
“So, you gonna play nice or what?” I asked
“Oooohh, aaaaahhhhh” She moaned, it must’ve felt really good. And her moans were surprisingly sexy.
Great you’re giving me that look again.
“I’ll assume that’s a yes.”
I let her go and she went limp. She didn’t get up for a while, then after a few minutes, she finally got up. She glared at me and me only. Completely ignoring the fact that Captain Jackson was the one that had been sexually harassing her.
“So, uh, my name’s Nash Grace. And that’s my buddy, Travis Jackson.”
Travis gave a little wave and went back down like one of those plants from Mario.
“Um... so what’s your name?”
She glared at me before answering.
“I’m Rainbow Dash.”
“Can I just call you Dash or Dashie for short?”
“No.”
“Alright then Dashie. So, as you know, me and Jackson there hurt your wing.”
Rainbow Dash gave her wing a little flap and she winced in pain. She gave me another glare.
“Hey I wasn’t the one that shot you with a twinkie.”
“What?!”
“Nothing. Anyways you’re going to be following us all the way to New York.”
“And why would I do that?” Rainbow Dash asked
“Because, um... You have no choice?”
“I’ve got plenty of options! I can just fly out of here, I can wait for my friends... I could... I could...”
I could see that Rainbow Dash was lost. She was beginning to realize that she had no choice. Yet there was a part of her that didn’t want to give up. I was right, She couldn’t fly, her friends didn’t even know where we were. If she wanted to survive, we were her only chance.
“So, you coming along or what?”
Dashie simply snarled and curled up on my bed. Her face was facing the pillows and out of our sight.
“I’ll assume that’s another yes.”
“Well, that went a bit better than expected.” Travis said
“Fuck you. You didn’t have to do shit.”
“By the way how’d you know about the ear scratching?”
“When you’re a burglar, you tend to deal with dogs a lot. I found out it works on all bitches.”
“HEY-OH!” We both said in unison
We laughed for a while before falling asleep.
Travis climbed into bed and went to sleep. I went to my bed and picked Dashie up. She thrashed like a cat but I climbed in and managed to drop her on to the floor. She stubbornly jumped back onto the bed and beat me with her hooves. I decided to take advantage of this and get on my stomach. Her merciless beating turned into a back massage.
“Ooooooohh yeaaaaaa that’s gooooooooood.” I said
Dashie eventually gave up and just snuggled up beside me. There was some distance between us but I didn’t mind. The last thing I needed was to get a mouthful of horse hair.
During the middle of the night I was woken up by something.
The sound of engines rumbling and revving, tires screeching and loud dubstep being blasted. I quickly put on a pair of jeans and swapped my shirt for a black T-shirt with red tribal designs. C'mon, you didn't think I was going out in my PJ's did you?
“Where are you going?”
I turned back to see Rainbow Dash looking at me with her half lidded eyes. She was rubbing her magenta eyes and yawning. It was honestly a bit too cute.
“Just taking care of business is all.” I said while grabbing my car keys and cracking my knuckles.
Asians and Pink Fusterclucks
Yup. Even I have a badass side. Shocking huh? Yea, I thought so. And real nice title. Not racist or anything. (SARCASM)
I exited my room, car keys jingling and anger rising. I climbed a set of stairs down to the ground floor and flew by the unoccupied receptionist counter. I exited the motel and was immediately blinded by neon lights and my eardrums were blasted by the loud conversations of people and the loud revs of sport cars.
I opened my eyes and was greeted by a scene that might’ve been taken out of fast and furious.
In front of me was a group of cars consisting of Mazdas, Lancers, and Skylines. Loud music was being blasted through an iridescent SUV nearby. Two more cars were lined up on the road. Someone waved a flag and the both of them shot down the road.
I groaned. Death Valley was famous for racing. Especially right here in Panamint Valley with the long straightaways and huge jumps.
I climbed up a red RX-7 and stomped on the roof of the car. Immediately everyone stopped their party and stared at me, eyes filled with disbelief.
“Yea, you guys have a great taste in music and all but I think it’d be better if you WEREN’T playing it at three in the morning.”
Nobody answered. Instead an asian dude stepped through the crowd. He looked pretty pissed off.
An asian guy driving an asian car. Okaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyy...
“Dude what’re you doing?!”
“What?”
He pointed at the car. I looked down at the roof of the Mazda. A dent on the roof is all.
“Dude quit fucking around and get off my ride!”
“Okay.” I said sarcastically.
I stomped my way down the tricked up car. The asian dude clutched his hair and watched in horror as I left footprints and some dents on the car. I jumped off the car and landed beside him. He continued gawking at his car.
“There I got off. Now will all you fags please leave.” I said
The asian dude just turned and gave me a glare. He got up in my face. The other racers just watched.
“You think it’s funny dude?” He growled
I looked down at him since he was kinda short. He was actually shorter than Travis I think.
“Nope. I think you’re annoying. Got anymore questions dipshit?”
At this point, the asian dude looked like he wanted to karate chop me in half.
“You and me. All the way to the gas station and back.” He said while pointing to a light beam in the distance
“What’s in it for me?”
“Loser leaves the motel. For good.”
It took me about five seconds to answer.
“You’re on squirt.” I sneered
“Hold up.” He raised his hands in a “time out” gesture. “What are you gonna race me with? Your skateboard?” He sneered back
I unlocked my chevelle which was outside the group. It chirped and flashed it’s lights. The people turned around and got a good look at my battered Chevelle.
The crowd cheered us on. The asian dude got in his Mazda. I climbed into my Chevelle. Now, most people don’t know this, but I’ve been tricking my ride out since day one. So I was gonna have no troubles whatsoever.
I drove the Chevelle and lined it up with the RX-7. The asian dude gave me a neck slice. I looked up to the second floor where my room was. I saw Rainbow Dash staring at me with interest. God she was adorable. Travis stood behind her. He held a cardboard sign with the words: “U LUZ” written in black marker on it.
What a great friend.
I revved my engine. It rumbled in response. he RX-7 emitted the kind of noise you’d expect it to make. A vroom vroom.
I turned my attention back to the passenger’s seat. I folded it and flipped it backwards revealing four blue canisters with the letters NOS on them.
“This is gonna be fun.” I chuckled
10 minutes later...
I entered the room. Rainbow Dash was practically bouncing on the bed. Travis was asleep on his bed, still in his boxers and tank top. The sound of cars driving away filled my ears much to my delight.
“THAT WAS AWESOME!” Rainbow Dash exclaimed
I gave her a wink. She continued bouncing around.
“I’d never seen anything take off that fast! I mean besides myself off course.” Dashie continued
“Yea. I am pretty awesome.”
I didn’t even bother changing. Instead I just climbed into bed. My shirt and jeans still intact. This time, there was a slight change. Instead of beating me up again, Dashie climbed into bed next to me and snuggled up to me. Why? I don’t know. I guess I was just awesome. But I was expecting our feud to go on a LOT longer.
I woke up in the morning like a deadman. Travis woke up, and stretched a bit.
“Today is a great day.” Travis said
“Fuck you and your sunshine.” I groaned
Eventually I got up and didn’t even bother to shower. Travis went and took a quick splash and soon we were packing our luggage in the Chevelle. As I was leaving the guy behind the counter saw Dashie.
“Aww, that’s cute.” The clerk said
Rainbow Dash clung onto my leg.
“Adorable ain’t she? Want her?” I joked
“How much?” He asked
Dash clung onto me even tighter.
“Free.”
“Deal!”
Dash clung onto my leg as tight as she could and snarled at the clerk. He laughed.
“Looks like she changed her mind.” I chuckled
I said goodbye and thanked him for everything. I piled into the car together with Travis. He was wearing a black AC DC shirt with his leather jacket covering most of it up. I wore the same old shirt as this morning/night.
I pulled out of the motel. Dash was in the backseat. And I also had a bag of twinkies (Me and Jackson love twinkies) and various other snacks in a bag that was in between the both of us. I had picked up the bag of snacks shortly after the race at the gas station.
“You guys hungry?” I asked the both of them
Jackson shook his head. Rainbow Dash shrugged. I reached into the bag and pulled out a twinkie. I ripped the wrapper off and gave it to her. She chewed it down and let out an “Hmmmmmm” signalling that she liked the treat.
“Since when did you two become buddies?”
“Last night. After the race.”
“Oh right. I honestly didn’t think you were gonna do it.”
“C’mon, you know me better.”
“I know that you’re a coward.”
I continued our little argument. That’s the way we bond actually, we’re like friends, but we like to tease each other. I was so caught up that I completely missed the pink pony standing in the middle of the road.
“Watch the road!” Dash yelled
I turned my attention to the sight in front of me. I jerked the wheel to the left. But to no avail, I felt the car hit something. I slammed on the brakes and felt the car spin out. Once the car stopped, I was surrounded in a cloud of smoke. My heartbeat was racing. I didn’t know where I was. Travis was looking sick. Dash was pale.
I stepped out the car, ran, and tripped on a rock.
Smooth move Grace.
Cannibalistic Rainbows and Vegas baby!
Yea, I ran over a pony. So? Not my fault. Okay technically Dash could’ve sued my ass and actually won. Luckily, she didn’t.
I got up and ran towards the pink body on the road. It was on it’s side, Travis followed close behind. Travis got out, ran, spun in a circle, then slammed into the car. As I ran I could hear Dashie back in the car yelling ”YOU KILLED HER! YOU NO GOOD-” I don’t think I should be saying anything else up to this point.
I run over to the pink body of a pony and examine her. Her right foreleg seemed to be broken, but other than that she was fine. She seemed to be knocked out. She had a pink fluffy mane that resembled cotton candy alongside a pink body. Travis ran up to me. He seemed to be kinda dizzy seeing as how he was stumbling a little.
“Dude she’s not dead.” I said, relieved that I didn’t have to go to pony prison
“Alright. Now, let’s just turn around and leave.” Jackson said
Being the dick that I was, I turned around slowly, Travis did the same. We walked towards the car and before we could even get on our third step, I heard a whimper come from behind. I turned around. My heart practically melted into Kool-Aid.
The pony was giving me an incredibly sad look with her saucer panned icy blue eyes. Her mane had gone from fluffy to flat. I groaned. I was gonna feel guilty as hell if I left her here.
“Now I feel bad.” Travis muttered
“Ditto.” I groaned
“For fuck’s sake why do we keep hurting ponies?” Travis asked
“I dunno.”
“Well, let’s get going.”
Jackson bent down and scooped the pink pony up in his arms like a baby. He walked back to teh car with me following.
“So NOW you want a pony.” I sneered
“You have one. I think it’s only fair.”
Travis put the pony into the backseat of the car where Dashie was staring at her new friend, stunned. I got in the car and pressed a little on the throttle, the engine rumbled, telling me that it was ready to go. Travis made sure that the pink mare was okay before getting in the passenger’s seat. He buckled up and I drove out of there. As I drove away from the crime scene I glanced into the mirror and I could see the pink mare giving Dash a confused look. She simply nodded reassuringly.
“Dashie, why did he hit me?” The pink mare asked
“Because, SOMEONE wasn’t paying enough attention to the road.” Dash snapped
I gulped and continued driving. Travis looked out the window and began whistling “Sexy and I Know It”.
“Not helping.” I growled
“I wasn’t trying to help.” Travis said
Jackson strikes again.
I rolled my eyes and got back to driving.
“Dude, how far to Vegas?” Jackson asked
“Well, we’re on Junction Rd right now. After we blaze through Old Spanish Trail we’ll be at Vegas in no time.” I replied
“Viva Las Vegas baby!” Jackson yelled out the window
I shook my head and continued driving. The two ponies at the backseat kept silent. Then eventually they began to chat.
And chat...
And chat...
And then chat again...
After around two or three hours of hearing their conversation, I was practically on the verge of insanity.
“Their words... Are like tiny needles poking my flesh.” I muttered
“I can’t think anymore. My brain is broken.”
Miraculously, I managed to continue driving even on the verge of insanity. I spotted a gas station up ahead and pulled in. I stopped the car and got out. Making sure to shut off the engine as I did. The ponies ignored us and continued chatting. Travis opened his door, and practically fell on the floor. He got up and gave me a blank stare.
“Is this real life?” He asked
“Yea it is David after Dentist.”
Travis looked around, looking at everything with a blank stare until he stared at me once more and tilted his head.
“I have to go.”
He walked towards the restrooms. I shook my head and put the hose in the gas tank. I waited as the car filled up. The ponies were now staring at me with curiosity.
“What? Never seen a guy fill his car up?”
“No. Back in Equestria, autowagons use steam.” Rainbow replied
I ignored her and continued looking around. I eventually heard the sound of a tummy rumbling. I looked in the car to see both the ponies giving me embarrassed smiles. I rolled my eyes out of annoyance. The twinkie sack was quickly running out, I had to stock up now.
“Stay here. I’ll go get you something.”
I walked back to the gas station. I entered the store and came back out with a plastic full of Skittles (Me Gusta), chips, and various other forms of junk food. I tossed the plastic bag into the car. I pulled a plastic bag from the glove compartment. Inside was a dog bowl (Hey my car’s pet friendly too y’know). I took it out, opened a pack of Skittles and poured the pack into the plastic bowl. The pink mare sniffed it and stared at me. Dash proceeded to do the exact same thing five seconds later.
“What?” I asked
“What is this?” Dash asked
“Skittles. Go on try’em. They’re awesome.”
The pink mare made no hesitation in putting the candy in her mouth. She chewed and swallowed. A smile slowly spread across her face.
“Told ‘ya.” I smirked
Dash tried one. She chewed a bit longer than the pink mare did and she swallowed it. Her eyes widened and she dove right into it. Once the bowl was empty, I emptied another pack of Skittles into the bowl and waited for Jackson to drain his snake.
He came back later moonwalking away from the toilet. He danced his way through the station and back to the car. I buried my head in my arms and laughed. Jackson got back into the car. I followed and got in the car and pulled away from the gas station.
Two hours later...
Shortly after we left the gas station, Dash had introduced us to her friend who we found out was called Pinkie Pie. By now, it was night. Jackson was asleep along with the two ponies in the backseat. The only thing keeping me awake was my will to not crash the car.
I turned my attention back to Jackson. He was sleeping so peacefully. Leaning against the door.
“You lazy little fucker...” I growled
I turned my attention back to the windshield. A smile tugged at the edge of my mouth. Jackson slowly woke up.
“Waaaaaat?”
“We’re here.” I smirked
I smirked as I drove into the city of Las Vegas.
View Online
Vegas Debauchery and Pawn Shop Pointlessness
Yay, made it to Vegas. And nobody got killed. Well, not yet I guess. Yay me.
In no time at all, I found myself driving down the strip, with lights of all sorts all over the place. Casinos, Hotels, they were everywhere. Jackson was pointing at everything and basically acting like a kid in a toy store.
“ERMERGERD WE’RE ON THE STRIP! THIS IS SO AWESOME ERMERGERD I CAN’T BELIEVE IT!”
“Don’t get your lemon panties in a twist Jackson. We’re only staying for a night.” I said
Travis didn’t seem depressed in that bit of news. He was still caught up in staring at the various bright buildings around us. I pulled into the driveway of the Plaza Hotel and Casino. I didn’t think Jackson could get any more excited than he already was.
“Oh. Shut. Up.” Jackson said
“C’mon, how could we go to Vegas and NOT stay at the Plaza?”
We checked in and soon enough we were in one of the grandest hotels I’ve ever been in. It was even fancier than any house I’ve ever been in.
And lemme just say, I’ve been in a lot of houses.
Dash and Pinkie watched TV. Pinkie had decided to sleep with Jackson since he wasn’t the one that ran her over. Dash stayed with me since Jackson was such a wimp. The two mares didn’t last long and soon enough they had fallen asleep. Me and Travis sat on the edge of our beds. I rummaged through my luggage and brought out a blazer and a grey tie along with a white button down shirt. Jackson pulled out a full tux with a blood red tie. I looked at him, and he looked back at me.
“Are you thinking what I’m thinking Grace?”
“You can bet your ass that I am Jackson.” I said as a grin slowly spread across our faces.
Half an hour later...
Me and Jackson were both in the casino, we had left the ponies back in the room because we didn’t need people coming up to me and inquiring about my rainbow pony. Jackson was in his tux and I was in my blazer. There were tons of people everywhere. Casino machines were *dinging* everywhere. Lady Luck was on our side as we won almost every game we played. In the end we won a total of $200,000. I honestly thought we were going to end up broke, but the universe must’ve decided to give us a break for once.
We later spent the money on some drinks. Needless to say, we got totally wasted.
Gosh, me and Jackson have no self-control whatsoever.
At one point, me and him decided to play Road Chicken. I remembered reading about it in Chris Jericho’s second biography, and I decided that it was going to be fun, the game went like this. One of us would lay down on the road and wait for a car to come by, then we would see hoe long we could last before we rolled out of the way. Jackson being the drunk bastard he was, agreed.
We eventually gave up when we saw an 18-wheeler speeding towards us. He showed no signs of slowing down. And so, I got up and stumbled back onto the sidewalk.
I forgot what happened for the rest of the knight. I remembered Jackson mumbling something, crying, then laughing, then trying to kiss me on the lips. I was sober enough to push him to the ground and lay down on him to stop any more debauchery. We passed out soon after that.
The next morning, me and Jackson woke up totally hungover. My head hurt and felt like it was about to explode. Jackson got up like there wasn’t a SINGLE thing wrong with him.
Lucky bastard.
I was about to give him a headache with a well placed chair shot to the head, when all of a sudden he yelled and clutched his head, then slowly slumped to the floor, waking up the ponies. I managed to chuckle a bit without hurting my head too much.
Haha, delayed headache.
So we packed up, checked out and decided to go see some sights. We checked out some amazing attractions including Vegas Vic, Binion’s Horseshoe and of course, the Fremont Street Experience.
Soon enough, Jackson and I came across a pawn shop. What was it called again? I think it was called the Gold and Silver Pawn Shop or something like that. He told me that we could try and sell the collars right here right now. So, I a followed him into the shop. I made sure that the ponies stayed in the car. the windows were tinted so I didn’t have to worry about them being spotted.
I entered the shop and approached the counter with the bag slung over my shoulder. We were greeted by two men. One of which was bald, the second one must’ve been his son. His hair was brown and combed back. He was overweight while the bald guy looked only a tad bit on the chubby side.
“So what do you got?” The bald guy asked
I slung my bag off my shoulders and put it on the counter. I reached in and pulled out the six glorified dog collars and placed them on the counter.
“I’d like to sell these.”
The guy seemed kinda taken aback by the bling that I bore. He looked at them and looked back at me.
“This is serious jewellery here, how’d you get it?” the bald guy asked
“My friend owed me some money. Eventually he gave these to me.”
The bald guy picked them up one by one and examined them.
“Ehr... These are legit. That’s all I can confirm for now. So, how much you looking to get out of them?”
“How about 2 million.” I asked
The guy looked at me and shook his head.
“Listen, I know that this is fine bling and all, but I can’t buy it. It doesn’t have any purpose other than to make your dog look like a pimp. That and we don’t have that much cash on us. How about $200,000?” The guy said
“$200,000?! Dude this is gold here! Pure gold! Along with diamonds and rubies and stuff!” Jackson retorted
“2 million is a bit too high.”
“But it’s gold.”
“We don’t have that kind of money.”
“But it’s gold.”
This conversation went back and forth. It was actually kinda funny.
“Listen man, the highest I’ll go is $700,000. And that’s it.” The bald guy said
“I can’t do that man. We need at least 2 million.” Jackson said
“Oh. Well, thanks for your time.”
We shook hands and parted. He went to the office while I exited the shop. I got in the car and Jackson followed. I got in the car and started the automobile up. I drove out of the parking lot and soon we were driving out of Las Vegas.
“Man, I wish we could’ve stayed a bit longer.” Jackson complained
“Dude, me too. But hey, we still got a huge chunk of the journey ahead of us.”
“Adventure waits for us elsewhere! To New York we must go!” Jackson said
“You fucking dork.”
The ponies in the back were in the back chatting as usual, but at a much softer volume as opposed to yesterday. I stared at the disappearing city of Las Vegas in the rear view and smiled. This was only the first leg of our journey. Jackson was right, there was still a lot more ahead of us.
Iced Coffee and Shitstorms
So, um... Yea. Later found out that the pawn shop was actually a hit TV series called Pawn Stars. Darn, should’ve taken a picture.
About five hours after we left Vegas, we were in the Grand Mesa National Park. Snow covered mountain roads usually coated with ice, one wrong move and we were dead.
In other words, I was a kid in a candy store.
I pushed the Chevelle to it’s absolute limit, going as sideways as I possibly could through every corner that I came across. Jackson was hanging on for grim life, Dashie and Pinkie threw their arms up and went “WEEEEEEE!” in response while I had my tongue stuck out and a hint of madness in my eyes.
Eventually I had to gas up the Chevelle again. Drifting really took a lot of gas to perform. As I pulled into the gas station, Jackson bailed before the car stopped and rolled across the floor of the station. He got up, glared at me, then puked. Gave me another glare, then puked again.
I just love him to death (In the brotherly kinda way of course).
So, I went and got myself a cup of hot coffee. It was nice to have a warm drink in a cold place. It felt good, I felt a tad bit more active and much more mobile. The two mares in the back of the car stared at me with a distant look in their eyes.
“What is that?” Pinkie asked
I raised an eyebrow and scooted a bit farther from the car. There was no one else in the station except a guy and his tricked up orange BMW, so no worries.
“Coffee.” I said cautiously
“Looks good. Can we have a sip?” Dash asked
I slowly scooted my way a bit farther from the car. The mares were getting kinda creepy.
“Um... no?” I asked
Dash growled.
“Okay, okay, don’t kill me.”
I handed the my hot beverage over to the mares. They both drank it down and I knew that slowly it was warming them up too. Then slowly but surely, Pinkie began vibrating. And so did Dash.
“Shit, caffeine’s starting to kick in.” I said, clearly alarmed
Jackson came up to me and gave me another cup of coffee. He too held one in his hand. As he gave me my beverage, he took a glance at the backseat and saw the two vibrating mares who looked like they were ready to bounce around the car.
“Graaaaaaaaaaaaace?”
“Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeees?”
“The mares...”
“Terrifying isn’t it?”
Jackson turned his back to the car and leaned on it. I did the same. I could feel the car shaking all around, but I didn’t care. as long as the mares didn’t bounce around like rubber band balls, the car was fine.
“Hey, where’s my wallet?” Jackson said, patting his pockets
“Oh c’mon!”
“I had them a second ago!”
Just then, a huge muscled guy with tribal tattoos running down his arms walked out the bathroom, he overheard our conversation and then looked at us. He walked towards us, and judging from his expression he did not look like he wanted to have a chat.
“Shall I start the car my dear Jackson?”
“Indeed you shall Grace.”
I got in the car, ignored the hyperactive ponies, and slammed on the accelerator just as Jackson closed the door. I floored it and the car lurched forwards. Soon we were blazing down the road. I had no problem going through the windy track and I was starting to get a little cocky.
And then the BMW appeared in my rearview mirror.
Shit.
I continued putting the pedal to the metal while the two mares at the back were practically bouncing around. Jackson however was clinging to anything he could hold onto.
We eventually sped towards a sign and a gate. I was going way too fast to read the sign, I think it said something like “Blasting Area- Keep out.”
“Dude! Do we stop or go?!” I asked
“How should I know Grace?!”
*Crash*
“Welpz, guess we’re not stopping.” I said
I continued driving with the orange BMW chasing me down, tight curves and icy roads did nothing to slow us down. I was driving when all of a sudden I saw a yellow ball of light fly across the sky and crash into the side of a mountain, resulting in a huge explosion. Me and Jackson both stared at it as ice came crashing down.
“Grace, welcome to the shitstorm of our lives...” Jackson muttered, all the while keeping his eyes on the raining ice.
The road wasn’t connected to the mountain, so it was ice free save for a bunch of snow littering the road. The next corner was connected to the mountain, another ball of light, another *kaboom* and ice came raining down on us. It pelted the car harmlessly. Me and Jackson breathed a huge sigh of relief that it was just a couple of ice cubes.
Then there was a loud *thunk* and a part of the roof caved in.
“Oh shit.” I muttered
Mr. BMW was showing absolutely no signs of stopping. He smashed into an ice rock, his bumper was dented but he only seemed to go even faster.
“This guy is insane!” Jackson exclaimed
“THANK YOU CAPTAIN FUCKING OBVIOUS.”
I continued speeding down the roads as more and more mountains were blasted. Ice boulders rained down on us, I managed to dodge them even with my shitty luck. The guy had a bump here and there but he didn’t kill himself. The mares continued talking gibberish in fast-forward mode. It didn’t exactly help the situation.
Eventually I reached a tunnel, but I couldn’t stop,Y’know, since we had a psycho on our tails.
The tunnel didn’t last for long and soon we were back in the harsh elements. Ice continued crashing down, with no signs of slowing down whatsoever. This time however, we only had to plow through some snow piles.
The road was pretty straight from here on. Things were starting to look up for me. But guess whaaaaaaaaat?
Mother nature hates me.
Soon enough, huge boulders came rumbling down and formed some sort of obstacle course. I kept my cool, or, well, as much cool as I could muster at the moment, and forged on. We reached another tunnel and was shielded once more. It went over a huge U-turn. Dust rained down and lights flickered. I looked in the rear view mirror, the orange BMW seemed ghostly in the flickering lights. Then, the lights went out and I was forced to turn on my headlights.
I didn’t know what Pinkie and Dash were up to though. I mean, when you’re driving through an avalanche, you don’t have time to check on your technicolor pet.
Finally we reached a straight away. Up ahead was a tunnel, all we had to do was go through that and we’d finally be safe. Then the top of the tunnel began cracking, a huge mass of snow rained down. I closed my eyes and prayed for safety, then next thing I know, we were covered in snow.
Then, after a few tense seconds (It was just a few milliseconds but my brain was in slow motion dammit) we burst into the tunnel and spun out. The car crashed into a wall before stopping. I breathed a sigh of relief. Finally, we were safe. Although we now had no means of transportation, at least we were safe.
“What just happened?” Jackson asked
“I don’t know. But it was pretty darn awesome.”
I got out the car and assessed the damage. The back had smashed into the wall and the back wheel had followed, the axle was probably snapped. I shook my head. The car was in no condition to run now. I sat on the hood with Travis. Waiting for something, someone.
Just then, someone plowed through the wall of snow and stopped right in front of us. As the car stopped, the ice fell off too. Revealing a shade of orange and a black spoiler.
Oh crap.
The guy stepped out of his car. We didn’t bother running. We were tired and sore from getting bumped around in the car (Or more accurately, Jackson was sore, I was tired). The ponies had passed out already, looks like caffeine doesn’t last as long on ponies.
The guy got out and walked towards us. Jackson was scared as shit right now. He closed his eyes and braced for impact. I simply watched in horror.
Then the guy pulled something out from his pocket and pointed it at Jackson.
“Sir, I believe this is your wallet.”
After a few minutes we found out that the guy was called Brian, closer inspection revealed that he was actually taller than him and he wasn’t so big. Lawl, I’m going blind. Anyways, he offered us a ride to a friend’s warehouse where he had a couple of cars stored. So being the poor, helpless suckers we were. We accepted his offer and soon we were cruising along the grassy plains on our way to the supposed warehouse with our cargo safely. Brian was surprisingly okay with the technicolor ponies. He asked no questions and even petted them occasionally.
Anyways, so we arrived at the warehouse, and we walk in.
My eyeballs nearly fell out of my sockets.
In front of me were three of the most beautiful cars ever seen.
On the left was a cyan blue Koenig CCX. To my right was a Lamborghini Aventador in a shade of orange. And in the middle of them both was a true automotive masterpiece. The Pagani Cinque in orange and black. Jackson whistled. Brian looked around.
“Yo Bruce where you at?”
Just then a full grown Rottweiler flew out of nowhere and began snarling and snapping at us. Jackson leaped backwards and landed on his ass. Pinkie fell on her side laughing. Rainbow Dash snarled back in response.
“Down.” A calm voice said from the shadows
The dog gave us one last snarl before sitting down. And from the shadow emerged a figure. Around 6’4 and full of muscles. He had a moustache and was bald with tribal tattoos running down his arm. Jackson picked himself off the ground and
“Brian, who are these two? And what are those things?” The guy asked, pointing at the ponies
“A couple of friends. They need some new wheels to get them to New York. Oh, where are my manners, Travis, Nash, meet Bruce.”
“Um... hi?”
“How’s it going? So, you need a new set of wheels huh? Well me and Brian go waaaaaaaay back. So go ahead, take your pick.”
Bruce flicked a switch and and soon the whole warehouse was lit up revealing a whole armada of muscle cars, tuners and exotics. In the far corner was what looked like a ‘68 Charger under a tarp, I pointed at it.
“That’s mine.” Bruce said
“Okay.”
I walked back to the three cars that had originally caught my attention. The Pagani was especially flashy. The Aventador was no slouch either, and the Koenig CCX looked pretty darn fast.
“You sure we can take any car we want?” I asked
“Absolutely.” Bruce said
I grinned
Ten minutes later...
The garage door slid open. Sunlight flooded the inside as four headlights glowed bright and the revving of an engine was heard. In less time it took to blink, an orange and black Pagani burst out of the warehouse and roared down the road. Inside the mares were laughing, Jackson was having a heart attack, and I was laughing like a madman.
Isn't life great?
High Rollin' and Comedy Clubs
Finally life gives us a break, we finally get a good car (That is a major understatement), an actual chance to succeed at life and become millionaires and live the rest of our lives happily. The only thing left to do is finish the road trip while seeing the sights of course.
So after an hour of driving/rollercoasting (The Pagani goes REALLY fast) and we finally arrived at a hotel. Jackson got out and practically melted into a puddle. He was laying down on the floor face down while the valets were staring at him with a raised eyebrow. I got out of the car, a pair of shades donned and a stone cold expression. I took a quick glance and saw that the tires were STILL smoking.
Badass level: Nash Grace
I tossed the car keys at a pimply faced valet. He fumbled with it before managing to get a grip on it. He looked at me with an amazed expression and I gave him a nod. I let down the passenger’s seat while Jackson slowly stumbled to his feet. The two mares climbed out of the car. Not many people were around, so no biggie. The valets gave me weird looks though. I raised an eyebrow at them.
“What? It’s my erh... Dog.” I said
I walked into the lobby with Jackson and the two mares. As I walked away, out of the corner of my eye I saw the valet reach his hand out and whisper: “Pinkie... Dashieeeeee...”
What is up with people these days?
I managed to get us a room and also convince the hotel to let Dash and Pinkie stay. Y’know, pets, hotels, rules, yea. The room we got was classy, not as classy or fancy as the Plaza, but I was okay with it. All that class was asking me nervous anyways.
I didn’t mind changing. My black wolf shirt was fine anyways (Picked it up in Thailand by the way) and my boot-fit jeans were still okay. Jackson didn’t mind changing either. His black and rainbow shirt was still fresh. Not sure how much he soiled his jeans though. He probably has a whole bucket of it in his pants.
Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie both jumped around the room. Actually, Pinkie was the one jumping. Dash just hovered around.
“Say, where do you two go when we go to sleep?” Pinkie asked
“Um... uh... I dunno.” Jackson asked
“Whadya mean you don’t know?” RD asked
“Goddammit Jackson. What he means to say is, we go out and have fun.”
“Can we follow?” Dash asked
“No.”
Dash pouted and made THE cutest face ever. I tried to look away but it wasn’t easy.
“Pweaaaaaaase?”
“No. Long answer? Hell no.”
Dash and Pinkie eventually gave up after realising that I had a heart of stone.
I sat crossed legged on the bed. Travis had a bag of gummy bears and another hand stroking Pinkie. Dash had snuggled up to me and had rested her head on my shoulder. I was flipping through the channels when I came across a rerun of my favorite movie of all time, Limitless. It was seriously kickass.
I watched the movie as the ponies slowly dozed off. Jackson had pulled out his laptop and was playing SCP: Containment Breach. Watching your best friend get scared to death was a lot more entertaining than I thought It would’ve been. Lawl.
Eventually, around the part where Bradley Cooper was dealing with the russian, Jackson had changed into a new pair of jeans and the two mares had fallen asleep. Me and Jackson got up. We were going to a theater nearby to see the legendary Russell Peters perform.
You heard me. Russell fucking Peters.
The theater was only a few blocks away so me and Jackson walked there. We had good seats, Jackson wasn’t sugar high (Surprisingly). We were just waiting for the show to start.
Eventually Russell Peters came out to clapping and cheering. Not excluding me and Jackson of course.
“Alright, brown folks in the audience good to have you!” Russell said
Some cheering came up from the audience.
“Good to have my people out here. Caucasian folks wherever you are don’t feel threatened we’re just in the theater right now, and afterwards we’ll open up a road tee stand in front of the hall so...”
Me and Travis chuckled along with the crowd.
“Well good evening folks, good to be here, thanks for coming out. It’s good to have all these folks here, white folks “woo” eh?” He said while doing a pathetic fist pump
Some chuckles from the crowd and a light giggle from Jackson.
“Tell you about myself, my name is Russell Peters and I’m East Indian. Thank you.”
Some applause from the audience.
“So that day I got a call from the US army and They’re like: “Hey Russell, wanna entertain the troops?” and I’m like: “Sure, which ones?” They go: “The american troops.” I go: “Why not the canadian troops?” They say: “Well, ‘cause that guy is busy.”” Russell said
Laughter erupted once again from the audience.
“I say: “Alright fine then. So what do I gotta do? Where am I gonna perform?” They go: “You’re gonna perform on the USS Eisenhower.” I ask: “What’s that?” They say: “It’s an aircraft carrier.” I go: “Cool where’s that part?” They go: “It’s not a part .It’s in the middle of the ocean.” And I go: “Oh. Okay.”” Russell said
Some more laughter.
“So I ask: “But how am I getting there?” They say: “Go to the airport tomorrow morning and there’ll be a plane there to meet you and it will take you to the ship.” And I’m like: “Alright cool.”. So I get me and my crew together, and we head to the airport the next morning, and we see this big brown military plane in the middle of the airfield. And uh, you know when you see a situation, and you know that that is your situation, but you don’t want that to be your situation y’know?”
Me and Travis laughed alongside the crowd.
“So I see the big aircraft, the military aircraft, and I’m acting like I don’t see it. I’m looking around like: “Where’s our plane? I don’t see anything that looks like an airplane to me.”. It’s like when somebody sets you up on a blind date with some fucked up looking chick. Right?”
“So, I get used to the idea that This is the plane I gotta get on right, so I get on this military plane, now getting in a military plane is not like getting on a regular airplane. If you don’t like flying, don’t get on a fucking military plane. ‘Cause this shit is not for regular people. You know when you get on a regular airplane, you walk through a little tube, attached to the side of the plane, and you walk on, and the flight attendant greets you. But when you get on a military plane, you’re entering from the ass of the plane right? So, like the back of the plane goes “Woah” and you get in. So it’s like a reverse shit y’know? Instead you’re walking through.”
Even more laughter.
“And you know on a regular plane when you sit down, if the plane’s flying this way-” Russell said while pointing at the North East direction. “-you face this way.” Russell said while again pointing in the same direction. “But on a military plane if the plane’s flying this way-” Russell said while pointing at the North East direction again. “-you face this way.” Russell said while pointing to his South West.
Some laughs.
“Which is always better. Y’know, for shitting yourself.”
A huge burst of laughter. Jackson was in his seat laughing and I followed. If you wanna see the video or something, here you go: Lawl
Anyways, me and Jackson finished a great show and came out with our sides in stitches. My favorite part was when Russell was talking about how women were thinkers.Again, can be found here: Women are thinkers
So me and Travis go back to the hotel. We were tired, it was a great show, but that didn’t stop up from getting a little drink. I got a bottle and so did Jackson. After a couple of drinks, I passed out. I woke up when Jackson slapped me in the face.
“Hey shithead wake up.” Jackson said
“Oh hi.” I slurred
It was still night, so I probably slept for like 5 minutes.
“If I gave you a bottle of beer first thing in the morning, would you be able to down it?” Jackson asked
I gave the thumbs up.
“Oh.”
I ignored Travis and proceeded to climb into bed, desperate for sleep.
Remember how Jackson asked me if I could down a beer first thing in the morning? Before I went to sleep, I was wondering why.
And in the morning I found out. The hard way.
I was just sleeping ever so peacefully, until I felt him give my shoulder a light punch. I woke up with a bottle of Light beer shoved up my face.
“Drink this.” Jackson said
I rubbed my eyes and scratched my head.
“Come on buddy, drink up.” Jackson said
“Whaaaaaaaat?”
“Drink the beer.”
“Whyyyyyyyyyyyy?” I groaned
“Because I said so.”
I sat up and drank the damn thing so Jackson would leave me alone. I was already hungover, and was therefore in a cranky mood. I finished the beer and hurled it at Jackson.
“There. Leave me alone.” I growled
I heard Jackson giggling as he finally walked away and left me in peace.
Sometimes, I just don’t know about that boy.
So anyways, a couple of days later, we were on the road, on the New Jersey approach in a heavily industrialized area. Jackson was looking for buyers and so far he’s gotten a shit load of them. Except they were all lowballing us. One guy offered us $500.
We offered to chop his balls off.
So, one fine day, Jackson manages to find a buyer.
“Yo, Grace, I found us a buyer!” Jackson said
“Who is it?” I asked
“The mafia.” Jackson replied
I jerked the wheel, swerved into the oncoming lane and swerved back.
“WHAT THE HELL?!” I asked
“Well, they’re the only ones who are willing to pay that much money.”
“Fine. Set up a meeting in New York. We’ll sell them there and probably get a new house in the same time.”
“What’re you guys selling?” Pinkie asked
I grabbed the backpack and opened it, revealing the gold collar thingies.
“YOUR SELLING THE ELEMENTS OF HARMONY?!” Dash asked
“Oh shit, I forgot.” I said
“Goddamit Grace!” Jackson yelled
Dash yelled at us while Pinkie’s hair went straight and she kept asking Travis why we had to sell the elements. I closed my eyes and continued driving. I saw a garage up ahead. I remembered it. Me and a friend used to work on cars all day. Now it’s abandoned. I still had a little something stored there though. I pulled up at the garage with Dash still yelling at me. I motioned for Travis to follow. The ponies just watched as we got out of the car, I swung the backpack around my shoulders. Then I entered the garage with Travis following close behind.
5 minutes later...
I floored the accelerator and the Green F-Bomb Camaro smashed through the garage door. I did a drift and continued driving towards New York. As the pagani only continued to grow smaller in the rear-view mirror, I could see Dash and Pinkie pressed against the windshield, a sad pout on their faces as if they were saying: “How could you?”
I held back the tears and drove on. Jackson stared out the window in silence.
Yea, I ditched the ponies. So? Back to the story, I hate this part.
Alright, a little explanation on the new car. So, as most of my friends know, I’m a huge fan of Fast and Furious, after watching the fourth installment of the series, I decided to build a replica of the Green F-Bomb Camaro that had been used in the final scene.
Alright, back to the story. It didn’t take long for me and Jackson to arrive in New York. He was kinda really pissed at me for blurting the collars out.
“I can’t believe you actually did it.” Jackson said coldly
“They were gonna find out one way or another.” I said in response
Jackson turned back to the mirror and didn’t say another word. Soon we entered New York. We got a hotel for the night since we had arrived a full day earlier than expected. The mafia weren’t here yet. I sat on my bed, flipping channels while Jackson laid down on his bed, pretedning to be asleep.
Typical Jackson.
“Do you think it was right leaving the mares alone?” I asked
“No.” Jackson said coldly
“Stop making me feel bad already.” I muttered
“No.”
“Will you say anything other than no?”
“No.”
“*sigh* What’s it gonna take to snap you out of it?”
“Your death.”
I shook my head, turned off the TV and proceeded to try and go to sleep. But everytime I closed my eyes, I could only see the two ponies stranded in the desert, both dehydrated, and slowly and eventually, both of them fell on their side. Dead and lifeless. The same nightmare kept playing again and again and again.
Several times I woke up in cold sweat. Until, I woke up from the very same nightmare again and found Jackson sitting on his bed, glaring at me creepily.
“What the-?”
“Your death will be slow and agonizing.”
I went on alert mode instantly. Jackson continued staring at me. ANd I swear he never blinked. Either that or he blinks REALLY fast. So, I just sat on my bed. Both of us having a staring contest. And every time I blinked, Jackson would move. Closer and closer to me. Even if I looked away he would move.
This lasted up until 9:00 A.M. where he growled, stood up, then changed. He came back out with a black leather jacket, the very same one he had worn when we first left for New York. I guess he thought it was apropos to have this adventure end in the clothes he started in.
I followed and put on my clothes. The very ones that I wore on the first day. A purple shirt that my younger brother had sent me. It had words on it at some point, but they were waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay to faded to read now.
We were supposed to take a train then walk to the docks where our very dangerous clients would be waiting with very large amounts of money. Me and Jackson bought tickets and soon we were in the tunnels, surrounded in darkness. Everyone in the train seemed bored and grumpy. Truth be told, I felt the same way.
As the train was on it’s way, I glanced out and saw a car driving against the tunnel wall, James Bond style. It reminded me of that video game, what was it called again? Need for Sleep? Meh. I’ll get back to ya when I remember it.
So, me and Jackson just stand in awkward silence. We had refused to talk to each other until we were satisfied.
And by satisfied I mean until Jackson get’s more of his adorable ponies.
So, the train reaches and me and Jackson get off. It was a short walk from here to our destination. All we had to do to get rich was walk there, survive, then we’d be living the dream. We’d be billionaires. We’d have more money than we’d know how to use.
As me and Travis walked to the docks, the backpack slung around my shoulder, It only took us around five minutes until we finally reached the docks. We weren’t exactly with the mafia yet, but we were close. As me and Jackson walked through the maze of containers, I saw two cars just racing through the shipyard. One of them was the car from the train ride, the other was an Aston Martin 1-77.
I shrug it off and continue walking. Jackson followed behind. He was starting to drop the pissed off attitude and fear began taking over. He kept fumbling with his jacket and looking behind him.
“I’m starting to have second thoughts about this.” Jackson said
“Hey, you were the one that set us up on this thing.” I shot back
Soon we arrived at the spot. All I could see was a black Mercedes, and a trio of men. Standing and watching us slowly approach them. The two men on both sides held AK’s, they both looked IDENTICALLY the same. How cliche. The man in the middle was old and withered. We approached him and he held his hand out in hospitality.
“Hey, name’s Dominic.”
“I’m Nash and this is Travis.” I said while pointing at Jackson
“Yea yea, so you got the bling or not?”
I slung the backpack and unzipped it. I showed him the merchandise.
“This is gonna make a great gift for Maria, she’s always had a thing for pooches.”
I coughed.
“Oh yea, the money. Teddy.”
The guard on the right stepped forwards with a briefcase. Where’d he get it anyways. Didn’t see it when we came here. Maybe he was a magician. Or... Sorry, off topic.
So anyways, Teddy gives me the money while I hand Jackson the backpack. And before I could open it he stacked another briefcase on it.
“There’s two million. One mil. in each case.” Dominic continued
“Gee thanks.”
“Now you gonna hand me the goods or not?”
“Oh, I’m sorry. Yo, Trav.”
Travis stared at the backpack, then at me. Then at the three crime bosses. He looked like he wanted to take them on.
Yea right. He’d get a bullet through the skull if he even tried.
What happens next just astounds me. The bastard turns and RUNS.
Was he drunk? Maybe he was smokin’ some crack while I was asleep. Or maybe he’s finally snapped under the pressure of not offending a crime lord who seems really cliched and kinda tacked onto this stupid story.
Woops, broke the fourth wall. -ish.
So, naturally, the guard fires. And time slowed down. I could see the bullet speeding towards Jackson. I couldn’t move, couldn’t talk. I saw the blood splatter from Jackson as he fell down and the backpack too fell out of his grasp and onto the concrete.
I stared at it, mouth agape. One of the guards went over to try and get the goods, until a cyan blue blur swooped in and snatched the bag away.
“What... Was that?” Dominic asked
I played dumb and shrugged. The guards took the briefcases away from me as a response.
“Well, it was nice doin’ business with ya.”
The three men piled in the car. The guards in the front, Dominic at the back. The black Mercedes sped off. And the I finally realized something.
My best friend is dead.
I sat on the hood of the Camaro. Gazing out into the sunset. I wasn't expecting things to end up like this. I breathed a sigh of disappointment. Completely ignoring the cyan blue pony that had landed next to my car.
"Hey." Rainbow Dash said
"Go away." I said
"Hey ease up! I'm here to say thanks."
"Why? I mean after all that you've done-"
"Thanks for keeping me alive."
I thought about it. There was a number of times where I could have just left Dash on the side of the road and just let her die from dehydration. And if I was still the same as I was a couple of months ago, I probably would've. But I guess something inside me changed somewhere along this wacky journey.
"No prob I guess."
"What about Travis?"
I gulped. This was quite a touchy subject for me.
"I dunno. Things ain't gonna be the same anymore. I'm gonna miss his stupid little dancing. His creepy SCP-173 like nature, and his comical character. I dunno, I honestly don't know."
"Goddammit stop making it sound like I'm dead."
HA! You thought he was dead didn't you?
I looked to my side to see Jackson limping to the front of the car. Yea, huge shocker. He didn't die! As soon as I got sontrol of myself, I carried him to the Camaro and drove him to the hospital and ended up with a huge bill. But at least he was okay-ish.
"You looked pretty dead to me." I smirked
"Haha very funny." Jackson snapped
"How are you not dead anyways?"
"The bullet never hit any organs. Only went through like, the tip of my hip, so, only flesh."
"How did it feel like getting shot?" I asked
"It felt like nothing for like, 5 milliseconds, then you're gonna feel pain like never before."
I shrugged. Jackson managed to leap onto the hood of the Camaro.
"Ow!"
"Slow down gramps, don't want to displace your hip now don't you?"
"Screw you."
Under Jackson's Avenged Sevenfold shirt was a bandage around his hip. It was barely noticeable, but I could barely make out the small ridges.
"So anyways, I feel kinda bad for, y'know ruining your life so I'm gonna give you this." Rainbow Dash said
Dash turned around and picked up her ruby collar. She placed it on the hood of the car and stared at me with her saucer-panned magenta eyes.
"But, you need this." I said
"Yea." RD responded
"If you don't take this Discharge-"
"Discord."
"Whatever, is gonna take over Ponyland."
"Ponyville."
"WHATEVER. But still, without this..."
"It's okay. I mean, if it wasn't for me, you guys would still be in Chicane-"
"Chicago."
"Living your life as usual."
I took the collar and stared right into the ruby thunder bolt. It was worth at LEAST $200,000. I looked up and at RD who had a sincere smile on her face.
"Y'know what? This collar belongs to someone who's loyal, willing to shove his own health aside to make sure that his or her friends make it out in the best condition possible. Someone who is willing to sacrifice their time to help their friends in need, if there's anyone who deserves this, it's you." I said pressing the collar into Dash's hooves.
Dash stared back at me with a face of shock.
"But..." She stuttured
"I'll be fine. I mean, if we survived a road trip as crazy as this, we can survive anything."
Dash nodded. I ruffled her mane.
"Good girl." I smirked
"I think I gotta get back to Twilight and the others. See ya I guess."
I hugged her one more time. A soft, warm hug that lasted for a total of half a minute. The only reason we stopped was because Jackson spoke up.
"Can't forget your uncle Jackson can ya?"
Jackson hugged RD and gave her a small noogie.
"See ya guys later. Hope to see you soon."
Dash gave a salute. I gave a wink and she flew off. I sniffled a bit and looked back at the falling sun along with Jackson.
"So, what we gonna doin' now?" Jackson asked
I had my eyes fixed on the sun.
"I dunno. Why don't we go to Miami? Heard the girls there are awesome. Curvy, tanned." I said
"Screw you. I've already got a girlfriend." Jackson said
"And where is she?"
"I dunno, somewhere around California?"
"You don't even know where she lives?" I said while trying to hold in the laugh
"We met online!" Jackson snapped
"And?"
"She said something about being North of the Californian border or something."
"I dunno. How's about we move to Santa Monica?" Jackson asked
"Well, our lives just got 20 percent cooler." I said as I laid down on the car, my hands behind my head as my new favorite song played .
THE END
Laser Pointers and Glorified Dog Collars
Well. I how do I kick off this batshit insane adventure? The part where I had to drive through an avalanche? The part where I tried to use laser pointers? The part I have to encounter prematurely ejaculating guns? Or maybe the part where I ended this whole damn thing? I guess the best place to start is the beginning. The start of this trip to the highway to hell.
Well, I see that you’re still here. Good to know that someone’s gonna be here the whole time I narrate my whole fucked up life. Though why you would stay around after the first paragraph I honestly don’t know. By the way, if you mind, could you back up a bit? Seriously, you’re kinda creeping me out. Might wanna loosen up a bit. There we go.
Name’s Nash Grace. I’m nothing but a thief and a horrible friend. I’m six foot eight and have honey blond hair with startling grey eyes. I steal to make a living. Yea big guy like me steals. Raids people’s houses in the middle of the night. Can’t even fight to earn my money like one of them MMA fighters or wrestlers. Lived a normal life. Nothin’ big usually happened to me. I mean sure I have my ups and downs but other than that my life is pretty boring. That is until today...
I was just chillin’ by the local town pool. Soaking in some rays, just chillin’. Once I was done I packed up and was about to leave, my bag slung over my shoulder. I headed for the entrance when suddenly at the receptionist someone called out to me.
“Hey Nash.”
I turned my head over to see who had called out. Now everyone at home, I want you to try and imagine a woman called “Darque Chocolate”. Now imagine her three times as big. That was the woman that was calling out to me. She was okay I guess. I mean she wasn’t as bitchy as my ex-girlfriend so...
“Got some new stuff in the Lost and Found. Serious bling. You should go check it out.”
“Will do.” I replied
I turned around and headed for the Lost and Found. She had mentioned something about serious bling. Score.
I entered the small closet of a room and immediately found what she was talking about. They were six dog collar things. Too small to be necklaces. But they were seriously expensive looking. All of them were golden with a single piece of jewellery in the middle. One had a ruby thunderbolt, another had a pink butterfly, then there was a blue balloon, an orange apple, and then a pink diamond.
But the one that stood out most was the last one. It was a tiara with a purple star-like gem. They looked like they could sell for A LOT of cash. So, being the thieving bastard that I was, why not?
I looked around to make sure there was nobody there before stuffing the six collars into my bag. I got up and headed for the exit once again. This time, with the jewels in my bag.
“Yours?” Darque asked
“Nope.” I hastily replied
I got in my car and tossed the bag into the passenger's seat. Now my car isn’t exactly an important detail in all of this but it’s gonna be all over this whole thing so I mine as well give you guys a slight idea of the piece of metal I’ll be driving.
My friends had teased me for looking like Jack Reacher. And the film is coming out soon, so one of my friends went out and got a mint condition ‘70 Chevelle for me. He actually dented one side of the car too by driving it into a wall. So I dented his face in return.
What?
So I throw the bag into the passenger’s seat, back the car out and floor it like a bat outta hell. I’m pretty sure whichever prissy pants had lost these dog collars were not going to be happy to find them in the passenger’s seat of my car. Not at all.
In a matter of minutes I had arrived back at my own home. I took the backpack in and threw it on the recliner. I kicked the door close and called out for my roommate.
“Yo Travis. Got somethin’ you might wanna see.”
My roommate came out from his room sporting a leather jacket and stonewashed jeans. He looked down at me from upstairs.
“What is it Nash?”
Travis Jackson was my roommate, he had dark hair and sea green eyes. He was five foot six. Quite short. Both of us were complete and exact opposites in both physically and mentally. He was also my partner in crime. He usually mugged and snatched while I snuck in and out at the dead of night. We got along quite well, but there have been a couple of times where I think things could’ve gone a bit better. Hey brothers gotta hug and brothers gotta fight.
“Find something interesting?” Travis asked
I picked up my bag and emptied its contents on the table. The six glorified pieces of dog clothing spilled out and gleamed in all their glory.
“Try six.” I said with a grin on my face
Half an hour later...
I hauled my luggage to my car. Me and Travis had decided that staying in Chicago would be too risky. The owner of these glorified dog accessories were gonna find us one way or another if we stayed in the windy city of Chicago, Illinois. So, me and my partner in crime had decided to move to New York since I could just drive there and we always wanted to go there anyways.
Travis emerged from his room with his luggage. We had only two luggages and all of our money. Which was probably around $100,000 total. He hauled it down the stairs and went outside. He stuffed it in the trunk and shut it. I walked in one more last time and sat on the recliner. Travis sat opposite to me on the sofa. I sighed and stared around the room.
“Gonna miss this place. Not gonna lie.” I said
“Yup. But cheer up man, we can afford this and much more once we get those collars sold.” Travis said
I leaned forward gave him a bro-fist and leaned back. Not long after, the doorbell rang. I got up and headed for the door unaware of the clusterfuck that was about to happen. I had no idea what was behind that door. If I did, I would’ve just jumped out the window, got in the car and sped off.
I opened the door and standing in front of me was small and lavender. It had a horn on it’s head, hooves at the end of it’s legs and sported a hime cut with a streak of pink.
This creature was a pony.
A pony.
Was I high?
I stared at it in amazement, unable to emit any sound whatsoever.
“Hello dear sir, my name is Twilight Sparkle and I’m looking for-” The lavender mare continued
I simply stared at her. The fact that she could talk only further increased my state of confusion.
“Alright. I’m probably going insane so lemme just shut the door and walk away before things get a little out of control.”
I shut the door and went back to the recliner. The look on my face must’ve been pretty funny because Travis was holding in his laughs.
“So who was it?” Travis said while wiping a tear of his cheek
“A pony.”
“A what?”
“I’ll explain later.”
I was about to get up and go. Until I heard my door come crashing down. I turned to see a cyan blue mare standing at the doorway, she had a rainbow mane and- Were those wings?!
“Rainbow!” I heard Twilight Sparkle call out
“You had your chance Twilight!”
The cyan blue mare tackled me and growled in my face. I did the only thing a big guy like me could do while trapped under an angry pony.
I cried for momma.
I’m sorry but that was really, really scary. If I had to choose between doing that again or going through a Saw movie, I’d probably take my chances with old Jigsaw thank you very much.
I screamed my lungs off before Travis kicked the freak-of-nature off me. The sky blue pony flew across the room and landed somewhere in the kitchen. I backed up into a corner. Adrenaline coursed through my veins. I stared at Travis. He too had the same amount of fear occupying his eyes.
“Dude we gotta go and we gotta go NOW.” Travis said
I nodded. The sooner we left this house, the better it would be for all of us. But mostly us.
I was about to head out of the room when suddenly the cyan blue mare came out of nowhere. She had a pot on her head like a helmet. If I wasn’t so scared I probably would’ve taken a couple of pictures ‘cause she was pretty adorable.
But unless this mare was a camera whore who wouldn’t mind while I fished around for my Nikon I had no choice. I tried to lead it away from the door to no avail. I spotted something on the coffee table.
A laser pointer. Oh boy this is gonna be good.
I grabbed the small item and turned it on. I pointed the red beam at the floor and watched it dance right in front of the light blue pony in the hopes that they were like dogs or cats. Travis watched nervously.
She truly couldn’t have given any less of a damn.
I tossed the laser pointer right at her. Under normal circumstances, it probably would’ve bounced off her harmlessly. But with my immense strength, I managed to get her to crumple to the floor. I looked for any means of escape. I looked to my left. The window. Time to stop being a wussy and be a badass. Or well, as badass a loser like me could get.
I ran over to the window and leaped through it. Now you know when you see your favorite movie stars busting through windows? They look pretty harmless right? They don’t hurt right? WRONG! I have never been so misguided in all my life. I crashed through the window and felt immense pain that even my adrenaline could not save me from. I felt glass pieces fly everywhere. I quickly got up and stumbled towards my car door, my body covered in cuts and bruises. I opened it and got in. Put the key into the hole, twisted it and heard the engine rumble to life.
Travis leaped out the already smashed window, slid across the hood and got in the passenger’s seat.
“STEP ON IT!”
I didn’t protest. I floored it and the car lurched forwards. I slammed into the back of my seat and so did Travis. The car barreled down the road, my heartbeat was racing. I looked to my right where Travis was sitting. He looked pretty shaken up. He took one look at me and shook his head.
“That was bad.”Travis said
“No shit Sherlock.” I said rather bemusedly
Me and Travis looked at each other one more last time. Slowly but surely we burst out laughing.
“You kicked a sky blue horse across the house!” I exclaimed while still howling with laughter
“And then she had a pot on her head... and then... the laser pointer...” Travis said while wiping a tear from his eye.
“Now we’ve got nothing to worry about. Except for the...”
I looked at Travis. He looked at me. We both knew what was gonna happen.
“Money money money money money!” We both said in unison
Me and him howled with laughter upon thinking of our fortune. Sure we had just been attacked by technicolor ponies but the thought of all that money just seemed to cheer me up. The jewellery could sell for at LEAST $2 million. Maybe even more if we found the right buyer.
“Money money money ALL DAY LONG!” Me and Travis said as we bombed the hills and soon enough the windy city of Chicago faded into a mere blur in the rear view mirror.
Things were going great. All that was left between us and that cash was a really long road trip Easy right? No obstacles whatsoever, just a straight drive there.
Well, I thought so until I saw the light blue horse land on the hood of the car. Nostrils flaring, rainbow hair whipping around in the wind and magenta eyes glowing with hatred.
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Prematurely Ejaculating Shotguns and Invigorating Jigs
I told you nobody’s gonna be com- Wait?! You guys want some more?! You guys actually liked that?! Well, this is a surprise. Though not a pleasant one for me. Looks like I’m staying here after all. Great, now I have to go through the ending. The painful painful ending... Anyways where were we? Oh yea right. The car.
I panicked and jerked the wheel a bit. The car swerved into oncoming traffic. Cars honked at us, some voices yelled at us and called us assholes. I think I heard one voice call out: “OMG IT’S DASHIIIEEEEEE!” Before fading into the distance. Weirdo...
I honestly didn’t know what to do. Here I had limited vision and a technicolor horse, pony, whatever it is standing on the hood of my car ready to bash some brains out. Our brains in particular. Not the best of times to be driving in oncoming traffic.
I managed to hang on long enough and keep my shit together for us to reach Altamont Pass. Cars flew by as we still drove like maniacs on oncoming lanes. I managed to find an opening and get us back on track. Right, got off the wrong side of the tracks (Aren’t I clever?) and got back to the right side of the tracks. Now, as for the pony, I was about to just swerve until it fell off.
Jackson had other ideas.
Travis turned behind and rummaged around. I honestly didn’t have a clue what he was looking for, maybe that twinkie he had left behind last week? Or was it a bag of chips? I forgot. I had to keep my eyes on the road if I didn’t want to end up rear ending some innocent bystander and kill ourselves.
“Quit fucking around Jackson! That twinkie you left behind ain’t worth shit!”
Then Travis pulled out the “twinkie”. It was a grey, stainless steel, Benelli M4 shotgun.
“Holy balls!” I exclaimed
Travis leaned out the window and pointed the gun at the technicolor horse who didn’t seem too happy about being threatened.
“I’m giving you five seconds to get off and get lost!” Travis yelled, his voice at a very low volume in the winds
The pony didn’t budge. If anything she seemed more encouraged. More determined. I tried my best to continue driving. But that’s not exactly easy when your bestfriend is pointing a shotgun at something out of a cartoon.
“Get rid of it already!”
Bang.
I watched as the cyan blue form was blown off the car and tumbled down the road eventually becoming a blur in the mirror. I slammed the brakes and stopped the car by the side of the road. I turned to Travis, my heart was beating fast, he looked pale. I honestly couldn’t believe that he was ballsy enough to actually FIRE the damn thing.
“What the fuck man?!”
“What the fuck?!”
“Dude I asked you to get rid of it not blow it’s retarded little brains out!”
“I wasn’t squeezing the trigger dammit!”
“Well too bad cause you fired the gun anyways. Now we’ve got a brainless cartoon corpse on our hands dipshit.”
Travis pulled out a box of shotgun slugs.
“Dude, rubber bullets. Cops use them all the time during riots. A serious bruise and maybe some road rash is all she’s gonna get. Plus, I told the shopkeeper to help me tone down the firepower.”
I backed the car up. Luckily the proud homosexual had tumbled into the emergency lane so nobody could run her over. Cars sped by like nothing had happened save for a couple of people who had pulled over and were now calling the cops.
I walked over and scooped it up in my arms. I didn’t want to take her along but thanks to us she was stuck in this mess anyways. So I found it right that we had to take care of her until she could kick our asses again.
I brought her over to the car and placed her in the backseat, Travis had shot her right in the right wing, It looked hurt, but it probably wasn’t serious. As Travis had promised earlier, she wasn’t bleeding, there appeared to be no signs of her brains blown out either. That was good. Travis watched me nervously as I placed her gently on the seat.
“Dude you sure that’s a good idea?”
“Me and you got her into this mess. I think it’s only fair that we get her out of it.”
Travis shrugged.
“Makes sense.”
I got back into the car and so did my leather jacket wearing friend. I put the pedal to the metal and sped off. Hoping that nobody had been able to memorize my face for the cops. In no time at all we had reached Interstate 580. By then me and Travis had eased up a bit.
“What the fuck Jackson?” I asked
“What do you mean what the fuck?”
“Since when the hell were you an arms dealer?”
“Dude I’ve hidden that gun in your car since day one. Together with some custom tranquilizer darts.” Travis sneered
“WHY?!”
“Emergencies. Like just now duh?”
“No I meant why didn’t you use the tranquilizer darts on her in the first place?!” I asked while gesturing towards the cyan blue mare who was peacefully asleep
“That’s a good question...”
I shook my head and sighed. Sometimes he could be so forgetful.
“So, where to now Grace?” Travis asked
“We’re on Interstate 580. We’ll reach National Park soon enough. We’ll stop for the night once we find another motel.”
I sped into the 140 Highway. We were in National Park now. It won’t be long until we arrived at El Portal Rd, after that, El Capitan where we’ll make a quick pit stop to fill up on gas. Then, on to Tioga Pass Rd and through Ellery Lake then we’ve gotta go through Death Valley on the road to Vegas. We’d probably stop somewhere along Death Valley in a motel then continue onto Las Vegas where we’d stay for some sight-seeing then only continue our road trip. And maybe some gambling. Hey I’m only human.
“Dude the only motel is in Death Valley. We’ve gotta make it there by sundown.”
“On it.”
I floored it and the car went even faster. Not a very good idea especially on windy roads like these. It was already 12:27 P.M. I had to burn rubber.
Two hours later...
I had stopped by at the gas station on El Capitan for a quick refill. I got out of the car and went to the back. I put the hose into the gas tank and waited. Jackson however, stepped out of the car and began doing an invigorating jig. Just because he can.
“What are you doing?” I asked him
“Gotta keep the blood circulating. I don’t know when we’re gonna reach another place where I can stretch my legs and I’m making the best of it.”
Sometimes, I just don’t know about that boy.
I filled up the tank and paid. I got back in the car and so did Travis who seemed a little upset he couldn’t continue his dancing class, maybe it was the thought that he was gonna have to get back in the car with ME driving it. I drove out of the gas station and seconds later and I mean SECONDS, the pony sticks it’s head in between me and Travis. Her eyes were half lidded and she sounded drowsy, her head lolled around.
“Where am I?” She slurred
Luckily, Travis had the shotgun locked and loaded. With the darts of course.