Postal E

by Awesomedude17

Rating: mature
Tags: Gilda, Queen Chrysalis, Adventure, Princess Celestia, Crossover, Human, Main 6, Gore, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark, Changelings, Comedy
Length: 3605

The Postal Dude ends up in Equestria. He is armed to the teeth. He is pissed. What does he do in this place? He makes friends?

Hey, listen in and listen good! I'm The Postal Dude. I know, fucking horrible name, and I'm in this shit world for no reason. I have all my shit and I want to shoot stuff. But for some reason, I can't. I decided that I'm insane, and I try to kill myself. It fails due to Postal fucking III taking away that mechanic, so I wander around. I meet all of these fucking horses, and I try to kill myself again, but no fucking suicide button. This is my story of my time here in Shit-Questria, and maybe you'll love it, you damn girly-girl men who should wear tutus and stand in the middle of the fucking street because you are all sad, pathetic fuckers.

Published 2012-12-31 00:20:01 UTC
Last updated 2012-12-31 00:20:01 UTC

My One and Only Day Here

Postal E
By The Postal Dude

You want to know why I wrote this instead the regular author? He's dead after sending me to the shit world. I decided to write the story he put me in just to spite him. You see, it all started yesterday, after the events of Postal III (the neutral ending because the bad ending sends me to Hell and the good ending makes me get the urge to nuke Canada.)

It all started after the talk show that I 'left' after Champ chomped on the groin of the host. I just woke up the next day hung over, and wanting to shoot some bitch. I was on a rocky cliff, dangerously close to the edge. Boy did I luck out. Paradise was shit already. After all, I blew it up. I had nothing to do, so I got up and walked to the nearby forest. I killed a bunch of creatures I found, and that's when I noticed that they were strange.

They had to have come from Paradise, where else could they've come from? I thought.

"Hmm, tastes like chicken." I said as I dug into a dragon's dick I sliced off for food. Just like the hobos do it. I had found the dragon trying to kill me. There is nothing like a napalm rocket to the navel, bitch!

I wandered around some more, seeing a midget zebra picking flowers. It had jewelry on too.

"Note to self, find Champ when I get back home and let him pick a horse for a future pet." I mused, letting the zebra see me, and run away like a bitch. I must have startled it, but I didn't care, so I continued my walk to nowhere. I soon found the edge of the forest and saw a cottage.

"Hmm, I bet there might be a hot chick there to feed me and let me know where Machu Pichu is."

I walked over and knocked. I tapped my foot a few times and the door opened.

Finally! I thought.

When the door opened, I saw... A midget horse, with fucking wings. It looked at me, and eeped. I was confused, and then it came to me.

"Hey, wait a minute! That bitch just closed the door on me! HEY! COME ON OUT!"

The horse spoke.

"Nopony's home, go away!"

"Don't lie to me, bitch! I know you just closed the door on me, so let the fuck in or I'll rip your wings off and feed it to bears!"

"EEP!" I heard some tumbling inside, probably that bitch messing up her hiding place. The door opened a second time, and the winged midget horse had a look of fear. I walked in and spoke to her.

"Thank you for letting me in, and it only took you a threat."

"I... I..." The horse flew upstairs. I decided to look for the bathroom to take a piss. I saw a rabbit looking at me, looks tasty.

"You know, you might be delicious with some biscuits, carrots, herbs, some broth and sausage."

The rabbit ran away. It clearly knew what I was saying. I would eat the damn thing in a stew. I walked upstairs and saw a bathroom. I went to the toilet, zipped down my pants, and let nature do it's work.

"Ahh, nothing like France. But still free as the wind."

I finished my piss and flushed. I may have killed a bunch of arrogant bastards who are terrorist hypocrites, but I do not let others flush for me. I got standards too. I walked downstairs to hear the door knocking. The midget flew down and looked at me.

"Don't scare anypony at the door, please!"

"I make no promises." God, I wanted to shoot the bitch, but something was stopping me. God, I hate the fact that I can't kill myself, suicide button was gone. The dev team will have to wish that I kill them mercifully.

"Oh, Twilight, can this wait?"

"What? Shy, you promised that you'd let me come over today."

"Something came up. Please, can't this wait another time."

"That's it, I'm coming in."

"Wait Twilight!"

A purple horse with a horn came in and looked at me, slacked jawed. I decided to be a dick.

"Are you staring at me, or my junk?"

"It talks?"

"Of course I talk. What are you, retarded?"

It gasped, and somehow began to float me up.

"Why you... You're coming with me!"

"Hey, let me go, you midget, horse-bitch!"

That damn horse just took me outside and the winged horse followed. I was screaming profanities because I was pissed. We walked for a good fifteen minutes before I saw another horse fly to us. It was rainbow colored.

"Twilight, what is that?"

"Something that has to be taken care of."

"What's with the rainbow getup? Are you gay, and I mean, literally gay?" I asked. She clearly didn't like the question.

"What! NO! You want to fight?"

"If I was fucking free, I'd kick your ass right here, right now, bitch!"

"Let's go now!"

"Rainbow!" The purple horse spoke. "Don't!"

"I'd listen to her if I were you, I've got so many weapons, I'm surprised this jacket can carry it all. I could piss on you too just to make you sick."

That queer horse looked sick, but it kept it's lunch down. I then, for the first time in this place, saw a normal horse. Well, it seemed normal, no horns or wings. It had a hat though, might be a redneck.

"Hey Twi, what in tarnation is that?"

"Hmm, I was wrong, that horse over there isn't a redneck, just a southerner."

"Now wait just one minute there stranger, Ah'm a pony, not a horse."

"Whatever, you look like a midget horse to me."

"Somepony should teach you some manners."

"I don't give a shit."

The purple pony levitated me to her face and spoke.

"When I get the princess, you are so screwed."

"You know what, I say 'screw the police', they were worthless back home."

"Grrrr..."

I definitely hit a nerve there. Seriously, this place was full of wimpy bitches, and I'm stuck in it. The only thing that would make it worse was no fucking meat. I wanted a Big Mac™ so bad right now. After a few more minutes, I was in a town, and I saw all kinds of ponies. It made me sick. I was, at that point, too bored to yell and I stayed quiet. Then something pink hopped to me, and stared at me, trotting as it looked at me.

"What the hell are you looking at?"

"OhmygoshthebigmonkeythingtalksandIthinkthiscallsforapartyand... MPH!" The purple pony put her hoof to the pink one's mouth.

"Thank you, she was starting to give me a migraine." Actually, it was worse. A brain scan when I got home showed that my artery was dangerously close to bursting when I came back. Relaxing for a few days fixed that.

"Pinkie, this thing is rude and profane, so we're going to let the princess take care of him." The purple pony said. "Besides, he said that I was..."

"Retarded, I totally said that!" I totally did.

"What, Twilight's not retarded. Clumsy, sometimes, but not retarded."

"You smell like candy."

"Thanks."

"You know, you just made me hungry, got any steak?"

"Yer a meat eater?" The orange one's words cut like a knife that's been pissed on by three gays.

"You don't have any steak? FUCK ME!" I am so screwed.

Those ponies seemed to ignore my comment and marched on. Bastards. In 10 seconds flat, another one. This one was the absolute worst.

"Um, girls, what is that thing?"

"I'm a human, what part of that do you not fucking understand?"

"Such uncouth language."

"Do you have a stick up your ass, 'cause it sounds like it."

"Why you..."

"Rarity, we're going to take him to the library and keep him there until the princess shows up."

"This might be a bad time, but I need to use the john now." I seriously needed to take a shit right now, usually sets me straight for some reason, especially after that time I tried to kill a bunch of kids at that school. I still ask myself, how the hell did I miss completely?

"John?" The rainbow pony said.

"The bathroom, you moron."

"You know, you're very annoying."

"And you're a midget horse, I guess we're both not happy with our lives so far, aren't we?"'

"Twilight, can we hurt him?"

She put her hoof on her face, and smiled evilly.

"Sure, he deserves it."

Fuck.

The flying rainbow horse hit me in the face, nothing nobody's done before. The orange horse hit me in the gut. Even the butter colored horse hit me. Where she hit me...

"Ooooh, right in my nads." I said, barely breaking my usual, sexy voice.

"Fluttershy, why'd you..." The bitch put her hoof on the white bitch's mouth.

"He tried to hurt me, and broke into my home. I... guess I snapped."

"You guess? HA!"

"Well, a lady would never resort to violence unless it's a last resort."

"Good, because I would kill the women first, then the minorities, then the men."

Everyone just looked at me like I was crazy. If anything, I'm the sane one in the entire universe.

"Let's just get in." The purple horse spoke as she dragged me in and threw me on a toilet.

"Use it quickly, and don't run off." She slammed the door on me. I let nature do it's work again. After flushing and washing my hands, I walk out, and I get thrown onto a chair. I got tied up, gagged too. If I didn't know any better, I would've though she was being kinky. I then saw a lizard walk in and look at me. I wouldn't be surprised if that thing talked.

"Umm, Twilight, what is that?"

Of fucking course.

"That thing is a nuisance, send this letter to Princess Celestia immediately!"

Damn purple pony... or horse... or whatever! I hate this place so far anyway. That lizard then belched out a scroll. I didn't give a damn. I just wanted a Big Mac™ with some sex on the side, and maybe with some fries too. I waited for like three hours before something came in and flashed brightly. Thank Jesus for sunglasses. When it faded, it was finally a full-sized horse, with wings and a horn, fuuuuuck!

"Alright Twilight, show me this... Twilight, why is this creature tied up?"

Asking the same fucking thing.

"Well princess, that thing over there is major nuisance, and believe me, he is dangerous."

You're right about that, bitch.

"I would like to see for myself, untie it."

"But princess..."

She gave the purple bitch some look, I guess it meant 'I'm the fucking princess, do what I say, underling.' The midget horse sighed a bit.

"Fine, but don't say I didn't warn you." She untied me for once and removed my gag.

"Thank you for untying me, you bitch. Seriously, you let me use the bathroom once and then you tie me up, what the fuck?"

"Is this true Twilight?"

"Of course it's fucking true, what part of that do you not fucking understand?"

"Could you please not use such language in front of me?"

"No way, first amendment rights for me all the time. I honestly don't a shit about your laws."

She looked at me funny, I could reach for my taser and taze the regal daughter of a bitch, but NO~, I'm stuck not doing anything. What's happening to me?

"If it'll make you feel better, I just perfected a spell that would send you back home. I will take time to set everything up though."

"Much better, I was almost ready to kill you all with motherfucking flamethrowers." I felt much better. Big Mac™, here I come. Oh, and Jen and Champ too, I'm coming as well.

"Well, I'm glad. It'll take a a few hours, in the meantime, don't do anything stupid." She said with a stern look on her face. For once, I didn't think it looked stupid.

"Loud and clear, but with morons everywhere, I can say that shit will go down eventually." I crossed my arms to show how awesome I am. It seemed to worked, she smiled, and flew off.

"Man, was that retarded." I mused to myself, deciding to look for some lunch now. "Is there anything I can eat now, I'm starving! That dragon dick really goes through your digestive system."

That lizard thing I saw earlier looked frighted and ran off. Guess I might eat him later instead.

"Spike! Wait!" That purple pony ran off after the wimp. I decided to run off to be a dick. I wandered around, garnering looks everywhere.

"That thing is like a taller version of Dan."

"I don't know why, but I'm more scared of him than Dan."

"I wonder if he knows Dan."

"Who in God's gloriously horrible name is Dan?" My guess, a human, and a dickish one at that.

I looked to see a bakery. I could eat a muffin, or better yet, pie. Boy do I like pie. I went in and saw that pink horse, and went out.

"Nope!" That was screwed, I hated that talkative bitch. A bird-lion thing then stopped me.

"Watch where you're going, freak!"

"Oh, I'm sorry. Maybe your fat ass should move instead."

"What did you say?"

"I said move, you bitch."

"You want a fight? I can give you one."

I took out my chainsaw and reved it up. She then looked scared.

"You want to fight me now?"

The wimpy bitch then flew off.

"That's right bitch, run away!"

That rainbow horse flew down and looked me in the eye.

"Look man, I know Gilda's a jerk, but was that really necessary?"

"She wanted to kick my ass, so I wanted to make sure she got worse if she tried."

"Twilight was right, you are dangerous."

"I could kill you where you stand, you do realize that, do you?"

"Whatever, I got a job to do. See you later." She flew off. At this point I figured round snouts mean girl, square snouts mean guy.

Might be gays here too.

I walked for a good five minutes until I somehow ended up in some boutique. I saw that white coated bitch walk to me.

"Oh it's you. What do you want?"

"Well, considering, that I need a change of clothes, I think a suit would do nicely."

That pony perked up and smiled.

"Well of course. I may not like you much, but if it's for fashion, I'll do it for anypony!"

"Why the hell do you say anypony, everypony, nopony, it doesn't make any fucking sense."

"Dialects, you probably would understand."

"Yes I do."

She motioned me to go on the podium near her.

"Strip down, I'll need to take your measurements."

"Okay, but the underwear stays."

"Fine by me."

I striped down to my underwear, and boy did I look fine.

"Arms out."

I did as she said, I like my suits.

"Since you just appeared here, this one's for free."

"Nice~, I used to think you were a self-centered bitch, but you really are nice when I get to know you."

Okay, so I can't get it right the first time, who does?

It took about two hours, three instances of dunking a damn cat in water and another piss, but I got my suit. Too bad that damn cat ruined it before I walked out. The only reason I didn't kill it was because my weapons were in my trench coat, which was off. Are you guys really that moronic? She tossed me outside when I tried to strangle the damn cat, and then gave me my shit back. I hated her again.

About 15 minutes later, that purple horse came to me and told me shit about changelings.

"...and they are absolutely... Are you even listening to me?"

"Nah."

"Well, if those changelings capture the princess, you're stuck here."

"Fuck me." I was stuck. So I had to go save the princess and do it quickly. I tried to kill myself just before she came, but no~, no suicide button. I could have bit a grenade or shot myself in the head, but instead, I can only hurt others. At least these changelings will help me freak down a bit.

After about 20 minutes, a train comes and I come on with all the bitches I dealt with when I first came to this shit place: Scared Shitless, Retarded Books, Gay Pride, Hillbilly Southerner, Pink Motormouth, and the Fanciest Bitch. 15 fucking minutes later, I see the city, and a lot of black insect things.

"Oh, I've been waiting to find something to shoot with my shit." I took out a shotgun and pumped it.

"What's that?" Retarded Books asked.

"This is my boomstick. Not as explosive as the one attached to me." She raised an eyebrow, and then got it. Sexual innuendos for the win. One of those insects came through the window and I finally could shoot, so I blew its head off.

"Boom, headshot. Mmm, love the smell of gunpowder in the morning."

"Oh my gosh! You killed that thing so..."

"I know, I'm that awesome." I was awesome enough to have escaped Catharsis without killing anyone, got a girl, wrote a best-seller and won the lottery. I was right, no matter what.

Another one, and another, five came in. AR time. I opened fire and killed all of them. They can suck it. One even got it's chest burst open. I decided to enjoy myself and zipped down my pants, and pissed on them.

"Ahhh, that feels so good."

I have no idea who vomited, but I definitely grossed someone out. I zipped it up and the train stopped. I walked outside and looked at all the insect-things.

"Okay then, looks like I'm going to have to kill them all, good thing I gots me grenades and shit." I threw a grenade at a group. The dumbasses actually surrounded it. It exploded and I think a spleen hit Gay Pride in the face. It got blurry after that. Next I remember, I was face to face with what I thought was the queen of the bugs.

"What the... what are you?"

"Me, I'm The Postal Dude."

It looked at me like I was crazy.

"No seriously, what are you?" That pissed me off real badly.

"I am The Postal Dude, it's my real retarded name, and you done pissed me off." I took out a rocket launcher and charged it up. A whirring noise later...

"HEAT SEEKING MISSILE ACTIVATED!" It said as I did the devil horns with my left hand.

"And before you die, I'll say this, I hate video games."

I fired the rocket into the alpha bitch and she exploded in a fabulous display of green blood and insect gore. Guts splatter the room and the cocoons on the ceiling, which I just noticed at that point, burst open. That horse I met earlier came down with a smaller, dark-colored one. They were covered in goo. The larger one woke up and looked around.

"I just saved your royal ass. Now please send me home now so that I can make sure hobos don't steal my property."

"Oh, umm, thank you, mister..."

"The Postal Dude, and yes, that's my fucking horrible name."

"Okay then Mr. Dude. I just finished before the changelings came. If you would please follow me."

I did, and we came to a circular room. I decided to talk about what I did back home before coming here. The princess done something that showed everything that happened to me, ending with this little gem.

"I can't believe that dog would do such a thing." Scared Shitless whined.

"He's my dog."

The scared bitch suddenly deadpanned. "Oh..."

"Okay, it's now time to go home. Right?"

"Yes Postal Dude. Thank you for saving Canterlot, and all it took was the scarring of thousands of my loyal subjects with your violent nature. Any last words before you leave?"

"Yes, three words."

They were all ears.

"I regret nothing."

"You don't regret threatening Fluttershy and Gilda?" Gay Pride asked.

"Nope."

"Urinating on those changelings?" Retarded Books added.

"Nuh-uh."

"Blowing up that retirement home?" Pink Motormouth added as well.

"No way."

"You absolutely regret nothing?" Hillbilly Southerner said that.

"I regret nothing."

"You are a disturbed man, farewell Postal Dude."

"Whatever, I'm leaving now."

And then she did something and I appeared in my minibar. My wife looked at me all of a sudden.

"What happened, where have you been?"

"Champ's ass, I need a fricking drink." I grabbed a bottle of whiskey and chugged it down.

And that's the end of my story, hope you gays are satisfied. Because if you're not, I'll go to your home and kill your pet, and shoot your genitals off. Fuck you all.

The FUCKING end!

Author's Note

Hey guys, The Postal Dude here, telling you that the author somehow survived, and is letting me answer comments. I hope you bitches enjoyed this, because I did not. You are all pathetic for liking a little girls show, and you should all kill yourselves. As for me, I got's me a wife and dog to feed. You know what I say about this adventure? 'I regret nothing.'