Humans

by Nightwatcher

Rating: everyone
Tags: Alternate Universe, Human, Main 6, Princess Luna, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Spike, Comedy, Random, Princess Celestia
Length: 4281

Humans.... Quite possibly the most infuriating mythical creatures in existence.

"Humans.... Quite possibly the most infuriating mythical creatures in existence. If you ever have the 'luck' to meet a Human in your travels across Equestria, then you must be careful. Humans are extremely powerful creatures, some would say more so than Celestia or Luna, they are also more unpredictable than Discord. They can help you in a tight spot if you're lucky, or play nasty tricks on you if you don't hold the Human's favor. In my time I've seen a Human give a filly pounds upon pounds of gold, and the same one turn greedy ponies into gold. The only one I ever have seen 'face-to-face' was in my earlier years, he helped me repair my wagon when it broke down in Everfree Forest, by fix I mean a whole new one appeared not ten feet away, and the only thing the Human asked for in return was a spindle.... But be warned, never anger a Human, a trick or two in fair game is fine, but if you ever manage to truly anger a Human...... you'll be part of the small number ever to meet non-existence." - Star-Swirl the Bearded.

A silly nonsensical story, not to be taken seriously. Some chapters are not connected to others.

Published 2012-12-30 07:40:01 UTC
Last updated 2014-01-28 04:19:41 UTC

Celestia meets a Human

Celestia let out a deep sigh in her mind, hoping for something to move this meeting along faster. She had been sitting in this same spot for what felt like days, discussing pointless things such as...

“This appletree is on MY property!”

“Can we build this here?”

Last but certainly not least, the ever popular... “Can we afford to pay for this?”

‘Do none of her ponies know math?’ She thought to herself.

Her eye involuntarily twitched a un-noticeable amount.

She did love her little ponies, with all her heart, but sometimes they were.... hard, on the nerves. The repetitive day in and day out of ruling over a peaceful kingdom was.... boring.

Safe of course, and that was what mattered, but boring.

She just wished something would-

‘Crumb?’ Her mind interrupted.

On the edge of her nose, a lone crumb stood guard. In a guard like fashion it trekked from one end of her nose to the other.

‘How did.....’

Another lone crumb came floating down, landing perfectly on top of the first. Then, in total disregard to the fact that they were pieces of non-living food stuff, they began to dance. Skipping to and fro in the tip of her nose as she tracked them. After a short dance, they jumped off her nose to their doom that was the marble floor.

She could swear she heard a small scream.

She looked up, following a faint waterfall of crumbs apparently unseen by the others, to something that put her into a near panic.

Lazing on the rafters high above the hard floor, clothed in a loose fitting brown robe, with what appeared to be a half eaten piece of wedding cake in one of its hands.

Was a Human.

With its other hand the Human appeared to be directing a symphony of crumbs moving about on the woodwork, a light tone of music reaching her ears.

Humans were known across her lands as the single most infuriating mythical creatures in existence. Not at all dangerous unless you angered one, most were actually helpful, but they have a legendary track record full of tricks and mischief the likes of which would put Discord to shame. Like one who turned all the fruits and vegetables in a town ‘alive’ and made them fight a ‘war’ that ended in a giant salad. Or another that turned every cloud in Cloudsdale into marshmallow.

They also had the tendency to pop into existence wherever they wanted to. Most of which were at the worst possible times.

The Human abruptly looked in her direction, their eyes looking for a moment, before a mischievous smile split the Humans face.

‘Oh buck’

The Human looked at the assembled delegates, then to the half eaten piece of cake in its hand, then back to her. All the while its smile somehow getting wider.

‘You wouldn't dare.’

As if it could read her mind, in all reality it probably could, it just nodded. It then stood up and in complete disregard to gravity hung upside down from the rafters, as if its feet were stuck to the wood. The piece of cake still in its hand.

‘Don’t. You. Dare.’

The Human just shrugged and let the piece of cake fall.

She watched the piece slowly fall...... up.

It ‘fell’ up to the ceiling, comically slowly.

It impacted, its squishy from almost bouncing.

The moment the lone piece impacted the ceiling though, an entire wedding cake appeared in its place, complete with a small figurine of herself and the Human.

‘You have got to be joking.’

The Human nodded. Then vanished.

The cake fell.

Landing right on top of her, her magic proving useless to stop the mountain of soft bread and frosting. Her head sticking out of what would have been the top of the massive cake, on her horn, standing perfectly balanced, was the figurine.

The delegates in the room simply staring at their now cake clad princess, all of them doing their best impressions of fish. Then one of her guards snickered.

“All of you....... leave.”

All the while she could hear the Humans infernal laughter at the edge of her hearing.

The moment to door closed every last bit of the cake vanished, changing to multi colored smoke and floating away.

Celestia’s eye twitched once more.

:~:

Celestia walked out of her washroom, a happy sigh leaving her as the days events melted away.

Then in a flash it all came rushing back as she saw the human, clad in all her royal garments, laying in her bed.

It waved at her. Her golden slipper waving about.

“Out now!” Celestia screamed at the Human annoyed.

The Human looked at her for a moment before vanishing, her royal garb flying back to her bedside table by the strange unseen force that was Human magic.

She nearly fell to the floor as a two-hundred pound weight was added to her back, one look telling her that it was the Human. Who was laying on her like a couch. A grape vine in one of its hands and a olive branch in its hair. The Human looked at her and gave a thumbs down, along with a shake of its head.

She used her magic to teleport to the other end of the room, the Human hitting the floor with a thump.

“HA!” She said in near mocking sing song voice.

The Human responded with a annoyed ‘hmnph’ as it got up, dusting itself off.

“You don’t like it much now do-” She was silenced by a pillow flying into her face.

“Oh it’s on Human.” She said picking up the eight pillows in the room with her magic.

The Human responded with an exaggerated ‘come hither’ motion with its hand.

Then what looked like hundreds of pillows appeared above the Humans shoulders, a deep smirk on the Humans face.

“That’s hardly fair....” She lamented.

Their number were cut in half.

“Humans never play fair...”

The Human nodded in agreement before the innumerable amount of pillows came at her.

:~:

One of Celestia guards came into the room, only to see a huge pile of pillows in the center of the room.

“Princess....... Princess Luna sent to inform you there is a Human in the castle....”

Celestia’s head popped out of the pile of fabric.

“I know.....”

Author's Note

A silly nonsensical story, not to be taken seriously.
Not pre-readed at all so I know there's problems with it.
May add chapters later if I feel like it.

Twilight meets a Human

Twilight stifled a yawn as she looked over an old tome, the dust on some of the books and scrolls she had not moved in a while kicking up. The task that Princess Celestia had charged her with proving much more difficult than she had expected. This singular task occupying a near week of her free time, a difficult and time consuming task, but a very important one.

Learn everything she could about Humans, and given the recent...... incident at Canterlot, that request was understandable.

She had to admit, Humans had always been a kind of morbid curiosity of hers. Their blatant disregard for every natural, and arcane, law interested her. She always had always placed things into ‘boxes’, always looking to order things. Humans, other other hand, laughed in the face of everything she saw as law.

Frankly it was maddening, but then again, they were Human and Humans are always maddening.

She took a sip of her tea as she used her magic to move the tome back to its original resting place, another coming back and gently landing in front of her.

“Bestiarum IV - Humans, written by Star-Swirl the Bearded.” She read aloud.

In truth this was the smallest scientific/arcane journal published by Star-Swirl, it had to be less than fifty pages at most, despite its apparently small size this tome was the most comprehensive and accurate source for everything relating to Humans.

‘Might as well be nothing.’ She thought to herself.

She turned the old book’s hard cover over, a image of a Human, presumingly drawn by Star-Swirl, greeted her. It was a ruff charcoal drawn image of a Human, looking to be waving at the drawer, or in this case her, while leaning on a large wagon. The Human was clad in a pair of pants with a belt, a shirt tucked in that, and a unbuttoned coat or robe that seemed to reach down to the Humans ankles. The Human had a young looking face, for a Human at least, and hair that just passed the ears. All-in-all very ‘normal’ for the small number of Humans she has seen, even if she had only seen them in books.

Twilight moved her attention to the text below, ‘ Forword - Humans.... Quite possibly the most infuriating mythical creatures in existence. If you ever have the 'luck' to meet a Human in your travels across Equestria, then you must be careful. Humans are extremely powerful creatures, some would say more so than Celestia or Luna, they are also more unpredictable than Discord. They can help you in a tight spot if you're lucky, or play nasty tricks on you if you don't hold the Human's favor.’

“Celestia knows that all too well” Twilight said aloud, a small chuckle escaping her lips at the monarchs expense.

‘Humans are, for most part, considered to be a mythical race. Though some governments consider them a independent race like Ponies or Gryphons. Nopony knows exactly where Humans came from, and are rumored to have existed since the beginning of time; Humans, for some unknown reason, never answer when asked about their origins, and when they do, the common response is ‘We don’t know’. It is widely agreed that Humans are the single most powerful magic users yet to be discovered, and the limits to their powers, if any, have yet to be seen.’

She justly skimmed over the rest of the forward, before turning the page, and taking a small sip of tea before continuing with the meager amount of information contained in the tome.

‘Humans are a race of bipeds, normally anywhere between five to six feet tall, though they have the ability to shapeshift into anything they wish. They are mostly hairless, with a patch on the top on their heads, or on their face being the only hair that can be seen, though there’re may be more under the cloth they wear over their bodies. Humans have skin tones varying from white in the colder Gryphon-Pony regions to a brown-black in the more arid zebra lands. From their teeth it can be inferred that they have an omnivorous diet, though this is still under debate as it has never been directly observed.’

‘Well we know they eat wedding cake....’ Twilight thought to herself.

‘Humans are rumored to be a two gender, sexually dimorphic, race, with the males being the more ‘heavily built’, and the female being more lean. Though this comes from a old Gryphon legend of a female Human assisting in the dethroning of a mad king after the hens of a Gryphon clan had appeased the Human with a diamond of considerable size, and as such is under scrutiny as a Human female has yet to be documented by a reliable source.’

‘Humans normally keep to themselves, though sightings and interactions are not uncommon. They appear to prefer interaction with the inherently ‘good’ races (Ponies, Gryphons, Zebras, Buffalo, etc.), but it has been documented that Humans will have dealings any race. The oddest and the most interesting has to be their interactions with the Dragons. Many a Dragon has been seen dealing with the Humans, though the nature of these ‘deals’ has yet to be discerned but normally end with a substantial drop in the size of the Dragons hoard. The Dragons who have interacted with Humans in this manner have yet to speak on this subject, saying that it was ‘Part of the deal’. As for all other races Humans will generally help as long as you are not doing something nefarious (Never lie to a Human), but Humans appear to hold a preference for fellow trixters, and will come easier to said individuals.’

Twilight stopped for a moment, a pink mare appearing in her thoughts, before she dismissed the ridiculous line of thinking.

She looked back to the book and adjusted it with her magic, only for a spark of confusion to run through her.

‘Did that period just move?’ She thought to herself, eyeing the paper closely.

As if the little dot on the page could read her thoughts, it began to visibly vibrate a small amount. Then with an audible ‘pop’, sounding exactly like a cork coming out of a bottle, the little dot came off the page and bounced its way down the rest of the book, then fell to the floor.

‘What......’

As if that had unlocked the floodgates, every last letter and symbol on every page popped off the paper they were normally inseparable from, and fell to the floor.

She looked down to the floor, sputtering as she tried to rationalize what was happening.

“Twilight........’” She looked up to to see Spike staring at her with a perplexed expression, “What’s with the letters?”

“I don’t knowwww!” She cried in a fashion similar to Rarity.

“Need some.....help?” The little dragon asked.

:~:

A pink mare covered her mouth with her hoof as she watched a certain pair of friends running about, trying to pick up letters that were moving about. She watched what looked like a small wave of black text cary Twilight and Spike about the room.

She looked at her companion, “Oh my gosh, this is so much fun.”

Her companion raised an eyebrow in response.

“Oh come on, this is funny and you know it.” Pinkie said.

A smile appeared on the bipeds face, a small chuke making its way through, the Human pointed to Twilight who was now on her back panting with exhaustion.

“Ok, maybe I overdid it a little.” She said.

The Human gave her a look.

“Hey I won fair and square mister.”

The Human gave her a deadpan expression.

“I didn't cheat! We've done this so many times, you’re just bad at the game.”

The Human sighed deeply.

“Aw, don’t be sad... I know! Want some candy?”

The Human shrugged and stood up.

“Wait one second, I need to fix something.”

:~:

Twilight closed her eyes in exacerbation, a massive headache forming.

She opened her eyes, and much to her surprise all the letters were gone. She shot up and looked around, just waiting for the infernal letters to return.
She looked to the book, that was now laying on the table.

And it looked to be about a hundred pages thicker.

She moved over to the book, just waiting for it to exploded or something, she then saw something that gave her pause.

On top of the book, a candle sticking out of it, sat a lone cupcake, a very familiar cutie-mark plastered on it.

If one were on the towns edge, they would just be able to hear a faint scream.

“Pinkie Pie!”

Author's Note

I know, not the funniest update, but there's more to come.

Luna meets a Human

“There... Perfect!” Luna said with a happy sigh.

After nearly an hour she was finished with tonight’s night sky, she worked meticulously placing every last star, constellation, and nebula until it was utterly and completely perfect. She was happy to finally be able to manipulate the night sky on her own and she was determined to show her sister what she could do!

She gave her night one last look, committing every last detail to memory, then turned away to prepare for the night courts. The night courts where a simple and laid-back parallel to the day courts that her sister watched over.

It was also so very boring, nothing ever happened in the night courts.

She brushed a comb through her star filled mane, getting it just right. She pulled her special midnight-black tiara out of a nearby drawer and placed it on her head. All the while mentally preparing herself for the utter blandness of the night courts.

‘I’d rather be stuck in a room, with Discord, for a whole day then stay at this court. In...in a room full of bees... BEES! While covered in HONEY!’

Now that that was out of her system she took a calming look out at the sky, wanting to take in the vast expanse of... nothing.

“B... but... Where...” She vocalised, unable to accept the fact that all of it was gone, save her moon.

A snicker made her whip around fast enough to send her tiara flying across the room at an incredible speed right into the face of the source of the noise.

“You!” She screeched like a harpy.

Rubbing it’s face at the other end of the room was the same Human that had tormented her sister this morning, a impression of her tiara imprinted on it’s forehead. A small grumble emanating from the Human.

“Put them back!” Luna yelled.

The Human picked up the piece of headgear it his feet and place it on it’s head.

The Human shook it’s head.

“Oh yes you will! I’m the NIGHT, not you!” She yelled.

The crossed it’s arms and looked away like a child would when told they couldn’t have candy. The Human then looked back to her with a smirk and a literal glint in it’s eye. With a snap of it’s fingers the Human vanished, in it’s place was a perfect copy of herself with the same smirk.

“I’m the NIGHT!” The copy yelled back with a voice indistinguishable from her own, aside from the barely held back laughter at the edge of it.

“Oh nonono Human we are not playing this game.” Luna said.

The Human turned away from her and waved a hoof, a assemblage of new stars appearing in the sky as it did so.

Luna let out a huf, “Guard!”

The Guard that was stationed at her door burst in, “Princess, is something...”

The Guard trailed off as she caught sight of the second ‘Luna’ still preoccupied with messing up her night sky.

“Yes, something is very wrong. I demand you remove this Human from my room at once! While you’re at it, make it stop messing with my night!” Luna ordered.

The Human, oppon hearing that, dropped the Princess’s visage and and turned to face the Guardspony, the look on it’s face daring the poor mare to try.

For her part the Guard did not back down, her reaction was quite measured in fact.

She simply looked from Luna to the Human a number of times before turning around.

“Nope.” The Guard said simply, repeating the word as she simply walked out of the chamber, the door closing with a thud.

“What do you mean ‘Nope’!? What do we pay you for!?” She screamed.

“Not enough!” She heard the mare call, apparently still walking away from the door.

Luna hung her head and groaned, she looked at the Human who was still looking at the door with a blank look on it’s face. It then looked at her, staring for a time before bursting into laughter. It pointed at her and laughed, the Human’s laughter taking it to the floor.

Just as the Human hit the ground it vanished in a poof of smoke, the night sky returning to it’s original palette.
Luna waited a moment for the Human to return, deciding the Human was gone she picked up her tiara and placed it back on her head. Silently praying for the night court to be uneventful.

Author's Note

So ya... kind of out as far as ideas go for this.
So I'm turning to my loving readers for help! PM me if you got an idea for a story, no clop or particularly violent stuff please.
Will give credit for ideas.
Don't comment your Ideas in the comment section.
Not all ideas will be used.

Pound Cake's Play-date (1-3)

The foal known as Pound Cake sat happy in his large crib, laughing as the big pink pony in front of the crib made funny faces.

Aside from the big pink pony he was alone in the room, the other small pony that was normally here was gone and he did not know where she was. So he did the only thing he could.

He cried; a lot.

Pumpkin Cake was actually just out with their father, Mr. Cake, but such complex concepts were beyond him, not that he would admit it.

So, in an attempt to silence the air raid siren that was his voice box Pinkie Pie had resorted to contorting her face into many, many, uncomfortable configurations. Thankfully it had the desired effect, unfortunately, the crying resumed once more as soon as she stopped. As such, the pair had been trapped in this cruel and vicious circle for two whole hours; leaving Pinkie’s face little more than jelly.

The voice of Ms. Cake finally put an end to the promethean situation, “Pinkie! You've got a… guest.”

At that the big pink pony left the room in a flash, leaving little more than a pony shaped cloud of dust.

Pound tilted his head at the display, a small half laugh, half cough, escaping him.

‘Where did big pink pony go?’ He wondered.

The foal reared up on the mightily walls of his crib, pushing with all his might in an attempt to escape; but all for naught.

Suddenly, an idea came to the little pony: He could fly out!

He looked over his shoulder at his small wings. Pound was confidant that he could fly to the sun and back with their might!

So, with a resolute mind he started to beat his wings, faster and faster, until he promptly went nowhere.

He let out a huff of annoyance at his incapability.

‘Just you wait stupid crib! One day you’ll be but dust under my might.’ He thought, just in time for the pink pony to come back to see his usual happy face.

“Silly baby. I wonder what you’re thinking Pound Cake.” The pink pony said aloud, her words failing his understanding, but he was happy with the knowledge that she was surly singing his praises. “Look! I brought you a friend!”

She twisted to allow a look at what was sitting on her back.

It was a strange thing, it was around his size but that was where the similarities stopped. It was completely hairless, aside from a patch of black hair on its head. It had two arms and two legs and beady green eyes that shined with intelligence far beyond its apparent age.

“Do you know what this is? It’s a baby human! I’m babysitting him for the next few hours! I bet you two would make great friends!” The big pink pony said placing the pair on the floor in front of each other. “I’m doing it as a favor of-” The next word was even more incomprehensible than normal to Pound Cake, but the other child giggled.

“What?” The big pink pony asked, looking at the baby human. “Oh. I said his name wrong?” The baby just stared blankly at her, a small line of drool falling from its lips. “Sorry. I’ll do better next time. Well, you two get to know each other, I’ll go get some snacks!”

With that the big pink pony left once more, closing the door behind her.

The little human took a passing glance at the door, after a moment it broke contact with the door and stared at Pound Cake who was sitting a hoof’s length away. The human reached out and lightly touched his mane with a giggle.

‘You dare challenge me?’ Pound Cake thought incredulously.

In response Pound Cake mirrored the gesture and poked at the human’s hair, a laugh coming from the human.

Pound Cake poked his tongue out at the human.

The human tilted his head, and then mirrored the act.

Pound Cake roared exaggeratedly at the human, though it was little more then a loud yawn, mouth open wide.

The human yawned as well, only its maw opened so wide that the big pink pony could have walked through it; its mouth filled with an existential nothingness that rumbled back at Pound Cake.

‘You win this round.’ Pound Cake grumbled the human laughing in victory.

Pound Cake caught sight of a huge green blob in his peripheral vision. His head slowly turned to see something truly horrifying.

The big pink pony’s pet had wandered into the room! Its huge and imposing scaled form standing menacingly across the room, its walled eyes watching both of them while its toothless jaw hung open and ready to gum them both to death.

The pair looked at each other, an unspoken agreement passing between the two to put their differences aside to battle this beast.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Pinkie Pie opened the door to the playroom and came to an interesting sight.

Gummy had wandered into the room somehow and Pound Cake and her newest charge were climbing on top of him while he simply sat there, both laughing hysterically.

“Awww.” Pinkie cooed. “How cute. I don’t know what he was talking about, the little guy is just an angel. Besides, how much trouble can a baby be?”

‘Did it just get colder?’ Pinkie wondered with a shiver.