Chapters Atop a grassy hill, Twilight Sparkle and Applejack were setting up a picnic area for their friends. They laid down a typical red and white checkered mat and started to set up food and plates for everypony, with ample time remaining before the rest of their friends would arrive.
“So how’s it been going with Spike ever since the whole 'us saving each other from timberwolves' thing?” asked Applejack.
“He’s back to himself again, except he’s being much more accident prone than I remember...” Twilight pulled a book out of her saddlebag, only to look at the cover in confusion.
Applejack looked over. “Something wrong?”
“Ugh... he got me the wrong book. I’ll be right back, I’m just going to replace it.” She put the book away, stood up, and turned around, bumping into a hulking mass of muscle that wasn’t Iron Will.
“HELLO TWILIGHT SPARKLE. MY NAME IS MR. TORGUE. I’M HERE TO ASK YOU A SIMPLE QUESTION TO SEE IF YOU’RE INTERESTED IN IRON WILL’S ASSERTIVENESS TRAINING. HERE IT IS: ARE YOU INTERESTED IN IRON WILL’S ASSERTIVENESS TRAINING?” Mr. Torgue leaned over her and flexed his muscles.
Twilight jumped back and shrieked, looking up in horror at the strange creature. “Wh-Who are you? What are you? stammered Twilight.
“Twilight, what in the hay is that thing?!” Applejack had also retreated a good distance back.
Mr. Torgue pointed to himself. “WHO AM I? I AM MR. TORGUE, THE FOUNDER OF THE MANUFACTURER TORGUE FOR MANUFACTURING EXPLOSIVE WEAPONS. AS FOR WHAT THE F*CK I AM, I AM A SIX FOOT EIGHT HUMAN WHO IS FIFTEEN THOUSAND, SEVEN HUNDRED AND FIVE DAYS OLD. IT’S MY GODDAMN PLEASURE TO MEET BOTH OF YOU.” He stuck out his fist for a bump.
A cyan pegasus suddenly tackled Mr, Torgue to the ground at supersonic speeds. “Get away from my friends you monster! Run you guys! I’ll hold him off!”
Seemingly out of nowhere, Pinkie Pie grabbed Rainbow Dash in a suffocating bear hug. “Hey Dashie! Having fun with my new friend?”
Rainbow’s only response were her desperate attempts to breathe.
“PINKIE! YOU’RE F*CKING CHOKING RAINBOW DASH! IT IS TO MY UNDERSTANDING THAT CONSTRICTED WIND PIPES PREVENT PROPER SPEECH! HOW WOULD YOU LIKE IT IF I STARTED CHOKING YOU?!” Mr. Torgue quickly stood up and grabbed Pinkie’s throat, shaking her back and forth.
“LET GO OF RAINBOW DASH!” bellowed Mr. Torgue.
Pinkie’s eyes started to derp as she tried to breath.
“Mr. Torgue, what in Equestria do you think you’re doing? ” Iron Will angrily stomped up the hill. “Let go of Pinkie Pie, or get ready to cry! ”
“NOT UNTIL SHE F*CKING LETS GO OF RAINBOW DASH!” He lifted Pinkie Pie up, bringing along Rainbow Dash.
“If somepony doesn’t let go, then force them to make it so! ” Iron Will charged at the group and brought Mr. Torgue into a headlock. Multiple gurgling sounds could be heard from the group as they struggled to make each other let go.
Eventually, a yellow pegasus suddenly bellowed from the bottom of the hill. “EVERYPONY! STOOOOOOOP!!! ”
The four of them all stared at Fluttershy in fear before dropping each other, gasping for air.
“Oh um, sorry about raising my voice.” Fluttershy looked away slightly before joining her friends atop the hill.
Twilight sighed in disapproval at the unfolding shenanigans. “Alright Pinkie, who exactly are these two and why are they here with us?
Pinkie popped up from next to Twilight somehow and machine-gunned her words even after being choked. “Oh! These two are some friends that I brought along so that we can have a super duper fun time together! Well, they like to fight each other a lot for some reason, but they became friends pretty quickly! The minotaur is Iron Will and the other guy is Mr. Torgue. With their help, I was hoping we could turn this picnic into a blast!”
Mr. Torgue popped up on Twilight’s other side. “DID YOU SAY BLAST??? F*CK YEAH THIS PICNIC IS GONNA BE A BLAST WITH MR. TORGUE AROUND. He pulled out an odd looking grenade with racecar stripes on it and tossed it up into the air before aiming his POCKETROCKET and firing a single missile at the grenade.
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM
The massive explosive combination of a rocket hitting a grenade left a spectacular yellowish glare across the landscape.
“Eek!” Fluttershy quickly hid beneath her forehooves, shivering in place.
“What the hay was that?!” screamed Applejack.
“OH IT’S NOT DONE YET. THAT GRENADE WAS DESIGNED TO SPLIT INTO NINE MORE GRENADES THAT ALL SPLIT UP AGAIN.”
Twilight raised an eyebrow in confusion, “Wait, what’s a gre–”
BOOOM BOOOM BOOOM BOOOM BOOOM BOOOM BOOOM BOOOM BOOOM BOOOM BOOOM BOOOM BOOOM BOOOM BOOOM BOOOM BOOOM BOOOM
The resulting explosions left a lovely circular trench around the hill and debris flying about in all directions, much to the dismay of a certain white unicorn approaching the hill.
“AAAH! W-W-What just happened? There is dirt and chunks of grass everywhere! This is absolutely horrid! Are all of you girls okay?!” shrieked Rarity.
Twilight shouted back, “Don’t worry Rarity, we’re fine! It’s just Pinkie Pie’s friend!”
“Whoa! That was awesome! What the heck did you just do?” Rainbow looked around in awe at the destruction caused in just a few seconds.
“BEFORE I ANSWER THAT QUESTION, I NEED TO HELP OUT RARITY! SHE CAN’T GET ACROSS THIS BIG ASS GAP WITHOUT HELP.” Mr. Torgue walked down to the bottom of the hill and stuck his arms straight out before tipping over, grabbing the other edge of the trench. “THERE IS NOTHING MORE BADASS THAN TREATING A LADY WITH RESPECT. HERE MISS RARITY, WALK ACROSS ME. TAKE ALL THE TIME YOU NEED.”
Rarity stared in shock at the strange creature and its strange behavior before deciding to carefully tread across his back. Much to her surprise, he didn’t move at all, allowing her to cross without any complications.
“Uh, heh heh, thank you... kind sir.” Rarity nervously grinned.
“YOU’RE WELCOME. YOU’RE REALLY LIGHT YOU KNOW.”
Rarity quickly trotted over to Twilight before whispering in her ear, “Twilight, what in the name of Equestria IS that thing? ”
“I honestly have no idea, Pinkie brought him over, along with that minotaur, Iron Will, I think. ”
Rarity looked around in a panic. “W-W-WHAT??? IRON WILL IS HERE?”
Iron Will noticed Rarity and nervously grinned. “Hey, uh... nice seeing you again.”
Rarity shot a menacing glare at him before turning to Pinkie. "Pinkie, why in Equestria is HE here?"
"Well, he seems nice enough when he's not turning Fluttershy into a super big meanie pants." Pinkie smiled.
"ALRIGHT, NOW THAT WE'RE ALL HERE, LET'S HAVE OURSELVES A BADASS PICNIC!" Mr. Torgue grabbed the various consumables in the basket and threw them like shurikens to each pony's plates without a single spill or miss.
Rainbow Dash stared at her plate for a while before looking up at Mr. Torgue, who at the moment was messily devouring a daisy sandwich.
"You know what? You're a pretty cool dude Mr. Torgue."
"ALRIGHT, SO YOU SIX WILL ALL SHOW UP FOR TOMORROW'S ASSERTIVENESS WORKSHOP DOWNTOWN AT TWO PM RIGHT?"
Rarity laughed, "Well, if you're going to be there then I might as well attend as well. With you being on stage it'll be delightfully hilarious."
"Count me in too! You're a bucking holler!" Applejack gave Mr. Torgue a friendly hoof bump.
"I think we all have to get going now though, it was nice meeting you Mr. Torgue." Twilight grinned.
"WELL ALL RIGHT! SEE YOU ALL TOMORROW THEN. TOODLES!"
The group all went their separate ways after Iron Will and Mr. Torgue helped everypony across the trench, except for Pinkie Pie, who still continued to stay with Mr. Torgue as he and Iron WIll were discussing business strategy.
"SEE? I JUST GOT SIX BADASS HEROES TO ATTEND YOUR SHOW TOMORROW! HOW'S THAT FOR AGGRESSIVE MARKETING?"
"Nice, those six should be able to spread the word around pretty well, " Iron Will said.
"How am I supposed to spread the word when I'm sticking with you guys?" Pinkie happily asked.
"I DUNNO, BUT IF YOU DO MANAGE TO SPREAD THE WORD WHILE YOU'RE WITH US, THEN THAT'S F*CKING BADASS!" He ruffled her mane with a smile.
"So, where to next? asked Iron Will.
"ACTUALLY, I THINK WE SHOULD TAKE A BREAK. A GOOD WORKER ALWAYS TAKES THEIR DAILY SH*TS TO PRODUCE EFFICIENT WORK. I SAY WE GO TO THE LIBRARY AND READ A F*CKING BOOK. BESIDES, I NEED TO KNOW WHERE TO FIND SOME IRON DEPOSITS SO I CAN MAKE GUNS." He began twirling his POCKETROCKET around a finger.
Iron Will stared at Mr. Torgue in shock, the concept of a guy like this being literate was just mind blowing.
"Uhh, you sure you can stay quiet in a library? " Iron Will scratched his head.
"I HAVE NO F*CKING CLUE. PINKIE PIE, LEAD THE WAY!" Mr. Torgue pointed off to some random direction.
"Sure thing Mr. Yells-a-lot!" Pinkie giggled.
"So what are you gonna read? " Iron Will knocked gingerly on the Library door.
"PROBABLY SOMETHING ABOUT EQUESTRIAN CULTURE OR GEOGRAPHY," Mr. Torgue responded.
"I'm gonna go read one of those party manuals that Twilight keeps trying to get me to read!" Pinkie bounced in place.
The door opened up to reveal a tiny purple dragon. "Welcome to the Ponyville Library, come on in!" Spike looked up. "AUGH!" He slammed the door shut the instant he got a good look at Mr. Torgue and Iron Will's muscles.
Pinkie Pie opened the door from the inside. "Jeez Spike, that's not very nice you know, this library is open to everypony." She stepped aside to let the two in, though they had difficulty getting through the door frame with their size.
"H-How did you?" stuttered Spike.
"I pulled the door knob back silly! How do you not know how to open a door?" Pinkie grinned as she closed the door behind her companions.
Mr. Torgue crouched and patted Spike on the head. "Hey there little fella, listen, we're gonna be here for a bit to do some good ol' reading, so can you get some books on Equestrian Culture or Geography? Oh, and get Pinkie some party manuals."
"Oh! Uh, sure! Right on it!" Spike ran off to another room.
Pinkie Pie and Iron Will stared at Mr. Torgue in disbelief.
"Did you..."
"Just talk normally? " Iron Will finished.
The front door opened again. "Spike! Get me some parchment and quills! I need to–" she stopped in place when she saw Mr. Torgue and the gang. "What the? How did you three get here before me?" Her eyes widened when she realized Mr. Torgue was present. "Oh no..."
"Dont worry Twilight! He actually knows how to not yell!" Pinkie proudly announced.
"WELL OF COURSE I KNOW HOW TO NOT YELL. I DON'T THINK ANY LIVING THING CAN F*CKING YELL ALL THE TIME! OH SH*T I'M YELLING AGAIN!"
Iron Will chuckled. "Iron Will was starting to believe you were the first living thing that could yell all the time. "
"I was assuming that yelling was just a trait of your species," Twilight commented. "Speaking of that, just what exactly are you again? I remember this one pony called Lyra talking about these hairless, bipedal creatures with hands and feet." Twilight circled around Mr. Torgue, getting a better look at his body. "Oh, and you also don't have to worry about noise unless there is actually somepony reading in here."
"I'M A HUMAN. I'M ALSO NOT COMPLETELY HAIRLESS BECAUSE I HAVE HAIR ON MY HEAD AND D*CK. I THOUGHT I SAID THIS ALREADY AT THE PICNIC WHEN I FIRST MET YOU." Mr. Torgue raised a finger and paused. "WAIT, NEVER MIND I DOUBT I SAID THE SECOND PART."
"I wasn't exactly paying attention to your introduction, I was more or less in shock when I first saw you." Twilight laughed. She thought back to the picnic to see if she remembered any mention of his species, only to realize something odd about Mr. Torgue.
"Wait a minute, how long have you been here Mr. Torgue?" Twilight inquired.
"APPARENTLY A WHOLE F*CKING DAY, BUT I'VE ONLY BEEN AWAKE THIS MORNING TILL NOW." He walked over to a nearby seat and sat down as spike handed him a pile of books before waddling away.
"And Twilight tells me not to make too much noise..." Spike muttered.
"Then how did you know so much about me and my friends during the picnic? Pinkie Pie couldn't have possibly told you everything we did. Besides, where did you even come from?" Twilight raised an eyebrow in confusion.
"WELL I DON'T KNOW EVERYTHING, I DIDN'T EVEN SEE HALF OF ALL THE EPISODES APPARENTLY." Mr. Torgue took off his sunglasses and replaced them with some reading glasses from his pocket. "SPEAKING OF WHERE THE HELL I CAME FROM, HOW DID PINKIE PIE EVEN KNOW THAT I EXIST? DO I HAVE MY OWN TV SHOW IN THIS WORLD OR SOMETHING?"
"Video game actually, you're a main character." Pinkie was in a corner with a TV screen playing some first person shooter game with an odd cartoony art style.
"Oh! Is that Borderlands 2? Iron Will wants in! " He walked over a picked a up a second controller conveniently placed next to Pinkie.
"Episodes? What are you talking about?" asked Twilight.
"BACK IN MY WORLD, YOU ARE YOUR FRIENDS HAVE YOUR OWN TV SHOW. ISN'T THAT F*CKING AWESOME?" He turned a page.
"Wait, so Iron Will has been on Television? Who has been secretly filming Iron Will? " Iron Will looked over in concern.
Mr. Torgue casually responded, "I DUNNO, PROBABLY F*CKING NINJAS."
Twilight recalled something about Pinkie telling her that there were others watching them "beyond the fourth wall", but she had always disregarded it as Pinkie being Pinkie. "Wait Pinkie, so you were saying that we exist in the form of a TV show in an alternate dimension? This whole time?"
"I PERSONALLY DON'T REALLY SEE WHAT'S SO INTERESTING ABOUT THIS, AFTER HEARING ABOUT SO MANY SCIENTIFIC THEORIES AND IDEAS, I'M NOT F*CKING SURPRISED AT ALL ABOUT THIS SH*T. ALTERNATE UNIVERSES ARE BADASS." Mr. Torgue turned another page, only to shout again after reading its contents. "HOLY SH*T, WE GOTTA GO RAID A DRAGON'S CAVE, THERE'S A SH*TF*CK OF LOOT AND GOODIES IN THEM!"
Twilight was still dumbstruck with this concept and tried to comprehend this odd reality. "B-B-But, how is that possible? Pinkie, how do you even know about these alternate dimensions, and how are you even able to travel to them? We have to study this! It could open up so many new–"
"Gosh Twilight, you really need to read more sci-fi adventure novels," Pinkie interrupted. "I would personally suggest Artemis Foal ."
"HEY GUYS, ENOUGH BREAK TIME, WE'RE GONNA GO ADVERTISE TO A DRAGON. OH AND TWILIGHT, TELL EVERYPONY AROUND TOWN THAT I'M GOING TO BRING THAT DRAGON HERE JUST FOR THE SH*TS AND GIGGLES. He put his sunglasses back on before running out the door screaming, "YYEEEEAAAAAHHHHHH!"
Pinkie put the TV back into her mane and ran after him. "Awww, why didn't you make a pun?"
"Wait what the hay? you two aren't serious about this... right? "
Mr. Torgue stuck his head back through the doorframe. "DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT, YOU'RE WITH A GUY WHO SUPLEXED A SHARK WEARING A BOLO TIE. YOU MAY BE WONDERING WHO WAS WEARING THE BOLO TIE, ME OR THE SHARK? THE ANSWER: YES. NOW LET'S GO!"
Iron Will groaned as he got up and charged out the door. "What did Iron Will just get himself into... "
Twilight just stared into space dumbfounded before she called after the group. "Wait! There's so many questions that I wanted to ask!"
"F*CK ASKING QUESTIONS, DO THE RESEARCH YOURSELF. IT'S HOW I GET EVERYTHING TO EXPLODE ALL THE GODDAMN TIME. NO ONE WAS ABLE TO ANSWER MY QUESTIONS ANYWAYS!"
SH*T THAT'S A BIG ASS DRAGON
SH*T THAT'S A BIG ASS DRAGON
"Uhh, you sure you know where you're going? I'm pretty sure there isn't supposed be snow around a dragon's cave. " Iron Will was walking up a path while hugging himself, desperately attempting to keep warm. The group had just passed Apple Loosa and were currently hiking over a snowy mountain in the midst of a harsh blizzard.
"OF COURSE I DO. I MEMORIZED THE ENTIRE EQUESTRIAN MAP, WE PASS APPLE LOOSA, CLIMB THESE MOUNTAINS, AND WALLAH! BADLANDS! THE NAME REMINDS ME OF THE F*CKING BORDERLANDS!" Mr. Torgue punched a hole into the mountainside to grab onto and climbed up.
"Come on Iron Will! don't make this whole trip for nothing! We're almost there! Besides, we'll be back before ya know it!" Pinkie Pie followed Mr. Torgue by simply walking up the mountain. Unfortunately, she slipped on some snow and face planted into the wall.
"Well I would climb up if my hands weren't completely numb right now. In the name of Celestia, how the hay are you two not cold right now? "
"Im pretty sure I'm made of dark matter." Pinkie was suddenly moontrotting up the mountain side with a goofy grin.
"JUST KEEP F*CKING MOVING. IT KEEPS THE BLOOD FLOWING. DON'T MOVE TOO MUCH THOUGH, YOU MAY SET YOURSELF ON FIRE. I'M NOT SURE HOW THAT'S EVEN PHYSICALLY POSSIBLE, BUT IT HAPPENED TO ME ONCE. I HAVE NO IDEA HOW!" As he finished saying this his foot suddenly spontaneously combusted, igniting multiple bullets he had hidden in his boot and sending explosives off in all directions.
"OH GOD F*CKING DAMNIT!" He wildly flailed his feet.
"Ohmygosh! Don't worry, I keep a fire extinguisher with me at all times in case of spontaneous combustion emergencies!" She pulled a red canister out of the snow and aimed the nozzle at Mr. Torgue's foot before pulling the trigger. A hissing noise was made, but nothing seemed to happen.
The nozzle suddenly spewed out a stream of fire and ignited the rest of Mr. Torgue's body.
"F*************************************************CK!" Mr. Torgue let go of the mountain and fell bleeping in agony.
Oddly enough the bleep was loud enough to reverberate throughout the mountain range. Without warning the snow at the tip of the mountain began to shake violently. A large chunk of snow began to shift and eventually fall, sending down an absurdly large avalanche towards the three.
"Oh Celestia! I'm bailing! " Iron Will dolphin dived off the side.
"AAAAAAAH! Get away you big mean avalanche!" Pinkie Pie pointed the nozzle at the incoming mass of snow and sprayed some normal white powdery fire retardant that fire extinguishers were supposed to shoot out.
"Oh come on! What's wrong with this thing?!" Just as she finished her complaint she threw the contraption aside and dived off before a tidal wave of snow could engulf her.
As the three were free falling through the air, the avalanche continued to gather more snow and increase in size. The large mass of snow was beginning to go even faster and was quickly catching up.
"AAAAAAAAA! What the buck should we do??? "
"I have no idea!!!"
"I AM IN SO MUCH GODDAMN F*CKING PAIN RIGHT NOW!" Mr. Torgue was still ablaze and wildly flailing in the air.
"Iron Will knew he should have never come with you guys! Goodbye cruel world! Iron Will closed his eyes and assumed a diving position.
As the avalanche fell over them, they never felt any snow or anything cold. All they felt was still the sensation of free fall and some water. The snow was going around them for some reason, making a strange hissing noise. Except it wasn't really snow, it looked more liquidly and clear...
"HOLY SH*T I'M NOT ON FIRE ANYMORE. WHAT THE F*CK JUST HAPPENED?"
"Ooooh! Lookie! The snow is melting on you!"
Looking around, they mostly saw water with some chunks of ice still littered throughout. Seeing this, Mr. Torgue quickly rubbed his vambraces together, lighting a spark and setting them on fire.
"I HAVE A CRAZY ASS IDEA. LET'S MELT AS MUCH SNOW AS WE F*CKING CAN, AND MAYBE WE'LL LIVE BY SOME RETARDED MIRACLE! COME HERE YOU PIECES OF SOLID WATER! IMMA BEAT THE SH*T OUTTA YOU!" He proceeded to start pummeling any remaining chunks of snow falling around them.
"Hey no fair! I can't set my hooves on fire! Or can I?" Pinkie hastily rubbed her fore hooves together to no avail.
"We're going to land soon! This better work!!! "
"IF IT DOESN'T I'M GONNA BE REALLY F*CKING PISSED OFF. NO WAIT, I'M GONNA BE DEAD. HOW AM I GONNA BE PISSED OFF WHEN I'M F*CKING DEAD?!"
Thankfully, the three of them landed in a fairly deep pool of water and cushiony slush with a massive splash. As they all slowly began to get up, the massive pool of water quickly flowed away from them and was soon absorbed into the dirt ground.
"*Cough* *Cough* *Splutter* Ugh, that was close. You two alright? "
"SWEET TITTY F*CKING CINNAMON BUN JESUS THAT IS THE SH*T I'M TALKING ABOUT! THAT WAS BADASS! HEY MOUNTAIN! F*CK YOU!" Mr. Torgue made an inappropriate gesture to the mountain with his hands.
A rather large lump of snow fell on the group almost as soon as he raised his fingers.
After spending the last hour digging out of snow, climbing, and ranting about bacon sandwiches, the group managed to climb their way to the summit of the mountain. As the three of them sat down and caught their breath, Mr. Torgue took a glance around, staring blankly ahead at the badlands.
"HOLY F*CKING SH*T D*CKS! THAT VIEW LOOKS EXQUISITE! EXQUISITELY BADASS!"
"Huh? What does? " Iron Will looked over to Mr. Torgue and gaped his mouth in awe. "Whoa, now that's something. "
The view over the badlands was indeed breathtaking, complete with volcanoes, lava, and jewels all glowing brightly under a majestic sunset. They all just stared at the amazing scenery from atop the summit, where it seemed that the volcanoes and lava were actually tranquil.
"OH SH*T I JUST REALIZED SOMETHING! WE DON'T HAVE MUCH TIME LEFT IF THE SUN IS ALREADY GOING DOWN. F*CK THE VIEW FOR NOW, LET'S GET LOOTING ALREADY! GERONI-F*CKING-MO!" Mr. Torgue grabbed a random chunk of rock nearby and dived off the edge straight into a nearby lava stream, only to land safely atop the rock with a large splash. The rock slowly began to drift towards a cave entrance as he made a manly pose in triumph; multiple volcanos seemingly erupted out of nowhere in the distance, casting a badass glow upon him.
"What the hay? Seriously? Did...did he really just do that? "
"Eh, I don't see why not." Somehow Pinkie was attached to a gigantic slingshot completely decked out in skydiving gear.
"Ugh, don't tell me we're going to dive off– " Iron Will turned around to face the massive contraption. "WhoaWhoaWhoa! Wait! I'm in your way!!! "
"Too late. Angry pony away!!!"
THWACK
Pinkie launched straight into Iron Will's chest as the two went flying towards the cave's mouth.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAA WHYYYYY??? "
Mr. Torgue got off his half melted slab of rock and faced the entrance of the cave as if he didn't have a care in the world, calmly brushing himself off and cracking his knuckles. As he started to walk towards the dark cave, Pinkie suddenly face planted the ground right in front of him without even leaving a mark in the ground. Following behind, Iron Will was still safely descending in a parachute.
Pinkie pulled her face off the ground. "Hey! How did you get my parachute?"
"HOLY SH*T YOU SCARED THE D*CKBALLS OUTTA ME! HOW DID YOU–" He looked behind him and noticed the slingshot. WHERE THE HELL DID THAT BIG ASS SLINGSHOT COME FROM?"
"I honestly don't even care about logic anymore. " As Iron Will slowly landed, he left a large crater in the ground and grabbed his hooves in pain. "AUUGH! What the hay??? That still felt like I landed after falling like a thousand feet! GAAAH!!! "
"Placebo effect, the parachute was all in your imagination," Pinkie explained.
"THAT MAKES NO F*CKING SENSE AT ALL. LEMME SEE THAT THING!" Almost as soon as he looked at the parachute while believing it was fake, it disappeared into thin air. "WHAT THE F*CK?! SO YOU'RE TELLING ME THAT IF YOU CONVINCED ME TO FLY, I COULD FLY, BUT THEN WHEN I LAND I WOULD STILL BE F*CKING HURT? HOW DOES THAT MAKE ANY SENSE AT ALL? THAT DEFIES SO MANY LAWS OF PHYSICS AND GRAVITY THAT BY THAT LOGIC I COULD SH*T OUT A F*CKING NUKE THAT EXPLODES INTO A BLACK HOLE THAT COULD CAUSE INTER-DIMENSIONAL TIME TRAVEL TO OCCUR WITHOUT ANY REPERCUSSIONS. THAT WOULD BE BADASS. HOLY SH*T I'M USING LOGIC ON SOMETHING COMPLETELY ILLOGICAL."
"Something like that, I remember Twilight was saying something once about the power of imagination and unicorns but I wasn't really listening." She turned her head sideways and gave Mr. Torgue an odd squint. "You're actually a pretty smart cookie aren't ya?"
"I GRADUATED FROM SEVEN DIFFERENT UNIVERSITIES AND CURRENTLY HOLD OVER THREE THOUSAND PATENTS. IF THAT DOESN'T MEAN INTELLIGENCE, THEN I HAVE NO F*CKING IDEA WHAT DOES. OH AND BY THE WAY, I'M NOT A F*CKING COOKIE. I SURE AS HELL COULD GO FOR ONE THOUGH. SH*T, NOW I WANT COOKIES!"
"Could somepony PLEASE for the love of Celestia help me up??? "
Mr. Torgue took out a red vial with a needle at the end and examined it for a bit before throwing to Iron Will. "STAB YOURSELF WITH THIS."
"Wait what? " He looked at the contraption in confusion.
"IT'S A HEALTH VIAL THAT INSTANTLY CAUSES YOUR BODY TO REGENERATE ALL BODILY HARM BY WASTING AWAY YOUR NUTRIENTS. SO ESSENTIALLY, I CAN LIVE F*CKING FOREVER SO LONG AS I KEEP EATING BACON AND WORKING OUT. IT'S F*CKING FLAWLESS!" He took out another vial and stabbed himself in the chest. "WHY DID I JUST DO THAT? ALSO, WHY THE F*CK DID I NOT DESIGN THIS AS A SYRINGE? OH WAIT RIGHT, IT LOOKS COOLER AS A ROCKET."
Iron Will sighed as he stabbed himself with the strange device, strangely feeling better immediately afterwards. "Whoa! Iron Will feels great! This is amazing! "
"OH AND BY THE WAY, THEY EXPLODE WHEN YOU'RE DONE WITH THEM SO I SUGGEST THROWING THE THING AWAY!" Mr Torgue lightly tossed his vial up into the air and roundhouse kicked it into the pitch black cave.
"Oh crud! " Iron Will threw his vial into the cave as well before he could get hurt another time that day. Two distant explosion sounds echoed from the cave. "Ugh, seriously, you should just go and marry explosions or something. "
"I'VE ALREADY DONE THAT TWICE ON THREE DIFFERENT PLANETS. DON'T ASK HOW."
"Sooooo, are we going in or not?" Pinkie was leaning against the dark cave entrance reading a book that she obtained from who knows where.
"WELL DUH, OF COURSE WE ARE! SO LET'S F*CKING GO!" Mr. Torgue ran into the cave with his trusty POCKET ROCKET drawn and started to fire at random. "HEY DRAGOOOON! GO F*CK YOURSELF! OTHERWISE, ATTEND AN ASSERTIVENESS SHOW-WHOA HOLY SH*T THAT'S A BIG ASS DRAGON!" The inside of the cave glowed bright as the sound of fire erupting emanated throughout.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!" Mr. Torgue ran back outside on fire a second time that day.
"AAH! RUN FOR IT! " Iron Will ran for the nearest rock he could hide behind.
"Quick! Stop drop and roll!"
"GOOD F*CKING IDEA!" Mr. Torgue dropped himself and began to wildly roll on the ground. As he was doing this, a gigantic smoke cloud started to form in front of the cave. Within the darkness, a pair of thin yellow slits glowed, moving to face each individual of the group. The dragon made a loud, menacing growl before opening its mouth and roaring loudly.
"FUS ROH DAH!" yelled Pinkie.
Somehow, the dragon miraculously stopped and just stared at her.
"Hi!" Pinked cheerfully grinned.
"...What did you just say?" The dragon's eyes were now resembling a confused expression.
"Hi?"
"No, before that."
"I have no idea, it just seemed like a good idea to shout." Pinkie shrugged.
"HEY DOUCHE NOZZLE. APOLOGIZE FOR SETTING ME THE F*CK ON FIRE. THAT'S NOT REALLY NICE YOU KNOW. BY THE WAY, IT SMELLS LIKE SH*T RIGHT NOW." Mr. Torgue angrily shook his fist at the glowing eyes in the cave.
"HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE???"
"DRUGS!" Mr. Torgue was covered in soot and burn marks, but aside from that he appeared to be fine.
"You know what? Just tell me why you are all here, and I won't devour all of you." The smoke cleared away, revealing an orange dragon with red spikes covering a majority of the hulking body.
"Uhh...why were we here again Mr. Torgue?" asked Pinkie.
"WE WERE WONDERING IF A DRAGON WOULD WANT TO ATTEND AN ASSERTIVENESS SHOW!"
The dragon stared at the strange creature in disbelief. "Seriously? why would you even want a dragon to attend in the first place?"
"BECAUSE DRAGONS ARE F*CKING BADASS, THAT'S WHY! WHEN THERE'S A DRAGON AROUND AN EVENT, IT INSTANTLY BECOMES TWENTY PERCENT MORE BADASS." Mr. Torgue flexed his muscles as more volcanoes erupted around the area.
"You're not even afraid that I'm going to cause damage and steal everything that's shiny?"
"NOPE! AND EVEN IF YOU DO, WHO GIVES A F*CK?"
Again, the dragon just stared at Mr. Torgue in utter shock. "Ok, I'm pretty sure you and the pink one are either stupid or crazy. The minotaur hiding behind the rock over there has the right idea." Iron Will ducked behind the rock as the dragon looked at him. "Now get out of here before I decide to eat all of you."
"SURE THING, BUT BEFORE WE GO, CAN I TAKE SOME METAL FROM INSIDE YOUR CAVE?"
The dragon roared into Mr. Torgue's face, "NOOO! DON'T YOU EVEN DARE SUGGEST THAT! EVERYTHING IN MY CAVE AS ALL MINE!!!"
Mr. Torgue managed to shout back just as loud somehow. "BUT WHAT THE F*CK IS THE POINT OF OWNING ALL THAT SH*T IF YOU DON'T F*CKING DO ANYTHING WITH IT ALL? WHY DO YOU EVEN WANT ALL THIS STUFF? YOUR CASH AIN'T WORTH A THING IF YOU DON'T F*CKING SPEND IT!"
The dragon contemplated the thought for a minute. "Wait a minute, you're right....I have all these things, but they're just there because I wanted them and took them...but then what's the point of even having them? I only eat the gems anyway." The dragon sat back and thought a bit more. "Whoa, I never thought about all these things that way, heck I don't really think about anything at all."
"THEN LEARN HOW TO THINK MORE AND BE ASSERTIVE! COME TO PONYVILLE TOMORROW AT TWO PM AND LOOK FOR THE BIGASS STAGE WITH ME AND IRON WILL!" While saying this, Mr. Torgue crept into the cave and started to look through the massive pile of gold and jewels.
The dragon put a claw to his chin and continued to ponder. "You know what? I think I will, I love thinking! What's the point of having gold besides its sheen? Why do dragons love shiny things in the first place? If I love these things so much, why aren't I stealing more of it right now?"
"SERIOUSLY? JUST LIKE THAT YOU'LL COME TO THE SHOW?"
"Well, I don't see why not."
Mr. Torgue came out of the cave with a massive sack slung across his back. "THEN KEEP ON THINKING DRAGON! BUT DON'T THINK TOO MUCH, OTHERWISE, YOU MAY FIND THAT YOU WASTED A BUNCH OF TIME! NO ONE REALLY DOES ANYTHING WHEN THEY THINK! THAT'S WHY I SOMETIMES JUST SAY F*CK IT! LET'S JUST ALL BE RETARDED AND NOT THINK AT ALL FOR A WHILE! AND THAT'S HOW I CAME UP WITH THE IDEA OF HAVING AN ILLEGAL OFFWORLD DEATHMATCH WHERE EVERYTHING EXPLODES FOR NO F*CKING REASON!"
"Okay then...but one more thing. Won't I scare everypony away with my presence?"
"DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT! IT'S ALREADY BEING ADVERTISED, SO IF YOU DIDN'T COME I'D BE SORT OF F*CKED IN THE ASS! NOT LITERALLY! ANYWAYS, PINKIE! PULL OUT THAT PARTY CANNON AND LET'S EXPLODE OURSELVES ALL THE WAY BACK TO PONYVILLE SOMEHOW!"
"What about that jetpack that you used to get us to these mountains in the first place?" asked Pinkie.
"OH SH*T I TOTALLY FORGOT ABOUT THAT THING. I WAS WONDERING HOW WE TRAVELED HALFWAY ACROSS EQUESTRIA IN A FEW HOURS." He pulled out the jetpack's digistruct block from a pocket and punched a button on it. The block projected a blue 3D hologram onto his back and quickly spawned a massive TORGUE JETPACK that was strapped to himself. It read "BOMBS AWAY" in the side and was decorated with the usual TORGUE race car stripes.
"HEY IRON WILL, STOP BEING SUCH A LITTLE BITCH AND GET THE F*CK OVER HERE ALREADY!" Mr. Torgue shouted while tying the massive sac to himself.
"Okay! Okay! Sheesh man. " Iron Will quickly ran over to Mr. Torgue and tied himself to the jetpack.
"Ooh! Can I be on top again?" Pinkie jumped on top of Mr. Torgue.
"SURE THING! I HAVE NO IDEA HOW YOU EVEN MANAGE TO STAY BALANCED THERE BUT I DON'T GIVE A SH*T! LET'S GO! BOMBS AWAYYYYYY!"
The jetpack's wings unfolded and ignited two rockets that were at the end of each wing, launching the group into the evening sky and somehow keeping aerodynamic balance. The dragon just stared at them for a bit before going back to his cave while muttering, "What the heck just happened..."
Up above, Mr. Torgue was already shouting about something incredibly irrelevant.
"I SHOULD SERIOUSLY MAKE A JETPACK CALLED "THE SONIC TORGUEBOOM" SOMEDAY!"
Iron Will had to shout because of the wind. "HOW DO YOU EVEN MAKE THESE THINGS? "
"I HAVE NO IDEA!!! GET READY FOR SOME BARREL ROLLS!"
"NO! NO! NO! NO! "
"NYEEEOOOHHHHHMEEEEEEOOOWWWWWBREEEEEEE!!" Mr. Torgue once again tried to imitate an electric guitar with his voice as he spun around dipping and elevating multiple times.
Then the sounds of an actual guitar solo played.
"PINKIE, HOW THE F*CK ARE YOU STANDING ON YOUR HIND LEGS WHILE PLAYING A GUITAR WITH NO FINGERS! AND HOW ARE YOU NOT FALLING OFF RIGHT NOW???" Mr. Torgue was still barrel rolling.
Somehow, Pinkie didn't even have to yell when she replied, "Because this is totally epic!"
"I COULDN'T AGREE MORE!"
After their long day of fighting, becoming friends, and getting a dragon to come to their show, Iron Will and Mr. Torgue finally settled down inside Iron Will's hotel room in Ponyville. It wasn't anything fancy, just the typical one room hotel with two queen sized beds and some furniture. Pinkie Pie had already separated from them to attend to another one of her famous parties she had already set up for the night.
Iron Will sat down at a couch and opened a bottle of cider before taking a swig. "Phew, that was one heck of a day. " He pointed at the giant bag. "So how much is that sack worth? "
Mr. Torgue sat down on one of the beds and opened up the bag. "PROBABLY CLOSE TO NOTHING. ALL I TOOK WERE SOME RANDOM HUNKS OF IRON AND ANYTHING THAT WASN'T SHINY." Mr. Torgue rummaged through the bag and threw many dull colored rocks onto a nearby table.
Iron Will spat out a mouthful of cider. "WAIT WHAT? WHAT THE HAY IS WRONG WITH YOU? " Iron Will reached over and grabbed a hunk of charcoal from the bag, examining it before sighing and face-palming. "I don't think you know what is valuable here, so let me explain what gets bits here– "
"I KNOW WHAT THE F*CK IS WORTHWHILE GOD DAMNIT! I JUST DON'T GIVE A SH*T ABOUT MONEY. A BETTER BUSINESS MOTIVATION IS THE MOTIVATION TO WORK! THE MONEY JUST COMES AS A BENEFIT." Mr. Torgue pulled out a white rock that startled to crumble in his hands. "HOLY SH*T! IT'S POTASSIUM NITRATE! TIME TO MAKE SOME EXPLOSIVES!!!"
"Oh my Celestia, did you really do all of that just to have explosive materials? " He casually tossed the charcoal back in the bag.
Mr. Torgue froze and stopped rummaging through the bag. "Just explosive materials?"
Iron Will curiously took note of Mr. Torgue's lack of volume. "Uh, did your voice just die? "
Mr. Torgue swiftly grabbed Iron Will's tie. "JUST EXPLOSIVE MATERIALS? I DON'T THINK YOU APPRECIATE HOW MUCH TIME AND EFFORT IT TAKES TO MAKE SOMETHING EXPLODE! IT'S SUPER F*CKING COMPLICATED. DO YOU THINK I CAN JUST SH*T OUT EXPLOSIVES ALL DAY? NO! IF I COULD THAT WOULD BE MY DREAM COME TRUE. SO DON'T GO ON UNDERMINING MY RIGHT AS A BADASS TO MAKE SH*T EXPLODE!!"
"Okay! Okay! Sheesh, I get it. "
"HOLD ON, I'M A F*CKING IDIOT. "I JUST REALIZED THAT WE HAVEN'T ACTUALLY PREPARED FOR THE SHOW TOMORROW, SO LET'S DO THAT RIGHT NOW INSTEAD OF MAKING MORE EXPLOSIVES." Mr. Torgue closed up the sack and set it aside.
Iron Will face palmed. "Ugh, yeah, we should do that. NOW. I don't even have anything planned really for the next show.
"I HAVE AN IDEA!" Mr. Torgue took out a piece of paper from his pocket. "THIS IS THE CODE THAT ALL TORGUE WORKERS HAVE TO ABIDE BY IN ORDER TO BE A BADASS WORKER. WE SHOULD MAKE THE SHOW ABOUT BECOMING A BADASS IN ORDER TO BE ASSERTIVE. IF PEOPLE THINK SOMEONE'S A BADASS, THEY'RE GOING TO SHUT THE F*CK UP AND LISTEN TO THAT BADASS. LOOK AT HOW F*CKING ASSERTIVE I AM!!!"
Iron WIll took the piece of paper and quickly read through the contents.
TORGUE"S NOBLE BADASS CODE TO BE A BADASS
1- Yell at least once a day, you will feel much better.
2- Respect others, you can only disregard this for revenge or explosions.
3- Realize other's merits before yours.
4- Know when to show off, unless it's for an explosion.
5- If you can go for it, do something amazing and push yourself out of feeling comfortable.
6- Modesty gets you the most help, you don't know everything about everything!
7- Explosions are the meaning of life, seriously, look at the big bang.
"Uhh, can we get rid of some of the explosive parts? " Iron Will scratched his head.
"F*CK NO!"
Iron Will handed the paper back to Mr. Torgue. "Is your definition of "badass" basically just explosions? "
"NOT ALL THE F*CKING TIME. IF SOMEONE JUMPS OFF A MOUNTAIN'S SUMMIT WHILE HE'S ON FIRE AND LIVES, THEN THAT'S BADASS."
"Isn't that something that YOU did though? " He pointed at Mr. Torgue for emphasis.
"SO WHAT? IT'S STILL F*CKING BADASS. IF I'M AN ARROGANT SHOW-OFF, I'M STILL A BADASS IF I'M NOT A COMPLETE D*CK. WAIT A MINUTE, THAT WAS A MODEST STATEMENT, SO AM I A BADASS OR AN ARROGANT SHOW-OFF???"
"Wait, I thought being arrogant was only if you exaggerate what you say you do. "
"WELL EITHER WAY, I'M A STILL A BADASS. SO WHADYA SAY ABOUT TEACHING EVERY GODDAMN PONY IN THE AUDIENCE HOW TO BE A BADASS?"
Iron Will took another sip from his bottle of cider. "Well then, how do you plan to do that? "
"SIMPLE. FIRST OFF–" Mr. Torgue started to stick out his fingers to count. "WE NEED YELLING. SECOND, WE NEED EXPLOSIONS OR SPECIAL EFFECTS. THIRD, WE NEED STUNTS AND EXTREME TRICKS. LASTLY, WE GIVE GOOD ADVICE, THEN THEY F*CKING LISTEN. TRUST ME, THIS SH*T F*CKING WORKS."
Iron Will rolled his eyes. "Let me guess, you're going to provide all of that somehow? "
"HELL F*CKING NO!" Mr. Torgue slammed his fist on the small table between the two beds. "YOU NEED TO GIVE GOOD ADVICE. I CAN'T DO THAT SH*T FOR MY LIFE."
"What? You've been doing that all day though. Somehow. "
"THEY WERE ALL ACCIDENTS. JUST LIKE ME AND MY SIBLINGS, BUT THEY'RE ALL DEAD THOUGH FROM DOING STUPID SH*T."
Iron Will grimaced. "Didn't have to mention the last part there... "
"ANYWAYS, HOW MANY BITS DO YOU HAVE, AND HOW MUCH DOES IT COST TO HAVE A STAGE COMPLETELY WRAPPED IN DYNAMITE? CROWDS F*CKING LOVE IT WHEN THE STAGE BLOWS UP AFTER THE SHOW!"
"Okay, let me stop you right there. First off, I'm not rich, so I can't go demanding stuff like that. Second, I don't know what dynamite is, and I don't want to know. " He pointed to the now closed sack of random material. "Besides, if you took gems and gold, maybe you could have a way to pay for that. "
"WELL WHAT'S DONE IS DONE, CAN'T CHANGE THE PAST NOW. MAYBE I SHOULD JUST MAKE GUNS AND THEN SELL THEM. BESIDES, SINCE NOBODY HERE KNOWS HOW TO MAKE GUNS, I CAN HOLD A MONOPOLY ON THIS SH*T AND CHARGE A RIDICULOUS AMOUNT OF BITS. DO YOU REALIZE WHAT I CAN DO? I CAN START TORGUE CORPORATION HERE JUST LIKE HOW I DID BACK IN MY WORLD. BESIDES, I'M STARTING TO RUN OUT OF RANDOM SH*T IN MY POCKETS CAUSE OF TODAY." Mr. Torgue pulled his pockets inside out to demonstrate his point.
"I was beggining to think you could just pull random things out of nowhere like Pinkie. "
"WELL I'M NOT A F*CKING PINK CARTOON PONY HOPPED UP ON ALL SORTS OF DRUGS."
Iron Will stifled as he clutched his sides, trying not to laugh.
"WHAT THE F*CK IS SO FUNNY???"
Iron Will began slapping his thighs. "AHAHAHAHA, Sweet Celestia, don't you EVER laugh at yourself sometimes? That comment about Pinkie is just too perfect! "
"HOW THE F*CK DO YOU LAUGH? I HAVE NO IDEA HOW TO PERFORM SUCH A COMPLEX PHYSICAL ACTION. IS THIS HOW YOU DO IT?" Mr. Torgue took a deep breath. "AHA! BWA! HAHA! AHAaaa... F*CK THIS SH*T!"
There was a knock at the door. "Ponyville hotel maid here, could you two keep it down please? You're disturbing the rest of the hotel."
"SORRY, WON'T HAPPEN AGAIN!"
"So can you please stop yelling?"
"SURE THING!"
Iron Will put a hand to Mr. Torgue's mouth. "Don't worry! We won't cause any more problems ma'am. "
The two could hear a sigh from the other side of the door. "Okay then..."
"MRRF MMERRAHURR! MHF*****BH!"Mr. Torgue pushed Iron Will off himself. "LET'S F*CKING GET A SHOW TOGETHER IN THE NEXT FEW HOURS."
"Ugh... Ok, but we have to be quiet, understand? "
"POSSIBLY!"
As the early morning sunlight poured through the window, Iron Will slowly opened his eyes and stretched out his burly muscles, yawning loudly. He looked around the room, completely devoid of a certain muscular...creature that was obsessed with explosions.
"Whoa, that was a really crazy dream I had last night, what the hay was that all about? I really need to lay off the cider.....wait a minute, I don't have a headache. " As he got off the bed and put a hoof to the ground, he heard the familiar sound of bits rattling.
He looked down to see a massive pile of bits scattered across the floor.
"HOLY SWEET CELESTIA!!! HOW THE– "
The door was suddenly kicked off its hinges. "GOOD F*CKING MORNING IRON WILL!!! GET YOUR ASS UP AND HELP ME MOVE ANYTHING VALUABLE IN THIS ROOM TO OUR NEW HOUSE BY THE SMALL COTTAGE ON THOSE HILLS!"
"WHAT THE HAY DID YOU DO??? " Iron Will looked up at Mr. Torgue. "Whoa. "
Mr. Torgue was wearing a golden pair of sunglasses and a golden bandolier with all sorts of strange devices strapped onto it. He had also installed diamond studs everywhere on his pants, which were now made of some odd shiny black material, presumably some fancy cloth from Rarity's Boutique.
"JUST HELP ME MOVE ALL THIS SH*T AND I'LL EXPLAIN LATER." Mr. Torgue grabbed a handful of bits and shoved them into the giant sack, now devoid of all the random material from the dragon's cave.
"Whoa whoa whoa, just how many bits are in this pile? " Iron Will grabbed a handful and tossed it into the bag.
"OVER NINE-THOUSAND, BUT I HAVE LIKE A MILLION MORE IN MY NEW BANK." Mr. Torgue finished putting all the bits into the giant sack and slung it over his back.
"WHOA, MILLIONS??? HOW DID YOU MAKE SO MUCH MONEY SO FAST OVERNIGHT? THE RICHEST PONY IN EQUESTRIA ONLY HAS LIKE FIVE-HUNDRED THOUSAND!!! "
"RANDOM-ASS SH*T, DRUGS, AND DIGI-STRUCTING!" He threw a small silver block on top of one of the beds; the device unfolded into a strange beacon-like object that started to scan everything in the room with a circular sweep, slowing down when it reached Mr. Torgue or Iron Will.
Iron Will stared at the strange device. "And what in Equestria is this thing? "
"JUST LET IT SCAN YOU, AND YOU'LL GET TELEPORTED TO MY NEW HOUSE! BY THE WAY, I DIDN'T GET ANY SLEEP." Mr. Torgue collapsed onto the floor as he was scanned by the beacon, casting his body in a strange blue light. After the device finished the scan, Mr. Torgue's body started to disintegrate.
Iron Will jumped back as far as he could from the beacon. "AAAAAAAAAAHH! WHAT THE HAY– "
Sure enough, Iron Will started to glow bright blue as the beacon started scanning him.
"NO NO NO N– "
It was an odd sensation, seeing only blue light made of strange symbols and TORGUE logos while not feeling anything at all. Iron Will could only see a strange tunnel while hearing an ominous whooshing sound. He soon realized he could think, and started to wonder if this was what the afterlife was like. He was suddenly pulled out of this strange experience when he realized he was floating in midair in a completely empty white room minus another beacon-like object.
He fell to the floor with a thud. "Ooof! "
"YOU OKAY?"
Iron Will got up while rubbing a bruise on his snout. "Yeah, Iron Will is fine, though why the heck does this thing make you float for a bit? "
"CAUSE I WANT TO AVOID PROBLEMS LIKE HAVING SOMEONE'S FEET STUCK IN THE GROUND. BESIDES, I CAN DO A THREE POINT LANDING WITH THIS DESIGN." Mr. Torgue was floating in midair in the middle of the room seemingly without effort. "BY THE WAY, YOU WANT A SANDWICH?"
"For the love of Celestia can you PLEASE tell me what is going on? And how are you awake? "
"OH RIGHT, I FORGOT TO MENTION THAT YOUR OLD BODY IS DEAD AND THAT OUR CURRENT BODIES ARE COMPLETELY NEW, SO WE'RE ALL BACK IN PERFECT HEALTH CONDITIONS."
"Wait what? So this is a new body? " Iron Will started examining himself, yet everything still felt the same.
"YUP! BUT YOU'RE STILL YOU SO DON'T F*CKING WORRY ABOUT IT. SO ABOUT WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON, I NINJA'D MY WAY OUT OF THE ROOM AND WENT OUTSIDE TO MAKE STUFF WHEN YOU WENT TO SLEEP ." A blurry image suddenly materialized in front of Mr. Torgue, slowly focusing itself to show a digital Mr. Torgue sneaking out of the hotel with the giant sack and spilling out the contents in some random side alley by the hotel.
Iron Will looked around and finally noticed Mr. Torgue floating in midair plus the hologram. "Whoa, how are you doing that? "
"THOUGHT READERS ALL OVER THIS ROOM SCAN WHAT OCCUPANTS ARE THINKING AT ALL TIMES, PROJECTING A VAGUE IMAGE OF THESE THOUGHTS. HOWEVER, OUR THOUGHTS CANNOT IMAGINE A CLEAR IMAGE, BUT THANKS TO THESE THINGS, YOU CAN SEE WHAT YOU'RE THINKING AND SHARPEN IT WITH YOUR OWN THOUGHTS. PLUS, I WAS REALLY F*CKING BORED, SO I ALSO DECIDED TO MAKE THE ROOM LET PEOPLE FLY AROUND WHEN IN USE. WATCH, IF I THINK ABOUT BEING IN THAT CORNER OVER THERE, I'M GOING TO SOMEHOW FLY OVER TO THAT CORNER."
The hologram disappeared as Mr. Torgue floated over to the corner and hit his head on the wall. "OUCH! F*CK THAT HURT! OH, AND BY THE WAY, DON'T EVER STAY IN THIS ROOM IF YOU HAVE A HEADACHE OR ELSE THE BRAIN READERS IN HERE WILL EXPLODE; THAT WOULD BE BADASS."
Iron WIll crossed his arms. "Okay I get it. I think. Get back on topic... "
"RIGHT. ANYWAYS, MY FIRST PRIORITY WASN'T EXPLOSIONS BELIEVE IT OR NOT, IT WAS TO MAKE A DIGISTRUCTING STATION, LIKE THAT D*CK SHAPED BEACON THING WE JUST CAME OUT OF. THAT WAY, I COULD DUPLICATE THE SH*T OUT OF STUFF AND TELEPORT THINGS ALL OVER THE PLACE. SO I SPENT THE WHOLE MORNING MAKING JUST ONE OF THOSE THINGS."
"Wait what, then how did you do... this? " Iron Will glanced around as a hologram with a pile of bits formed in front of him.
"WELL, I STILL WANTED TO DO THE WHOLE STAGE WRAPPED IN F*CKING DYNAMITE THING, BUT THEN I NOTICED THAT THERE WASN'T ENOUGH TIME. BUT THEN RIGHT THE F*CK OUTTA NOWHERE, ANOTHER ME SHOWED UP OUTTA THIS WACKY LOOKING PORTAL AND TOLD ME TO GO TO FLUTTERSHY'S COTTAGE AND BEFRIEND THIS WEIRD-ASS DRACONA-WHATCHUMACALLIT NAMED DISCORD."
Iron Will's eyes widened. "WHOA WHOA WHOA. WHAT??? I think you're missing a step here, cause why is there another you and why the hay is DISCORD in Fluttershy's cottage??? "
"NO F*CKING CLUE, ASK HER LATER SOMETIME. ANYWAYS, THE OTHER ME TOLD ME TO ASK DISCORD TO SHAPE THE REST OF THE RANDOM SH*T IN MY BAG INTO PIECES FOR THIS WEIRD CONTRAPTION TO F*CK UP GENERAL RELATIVITY TO SEND THE OTHER ME BACK TO THE FUTURE. SO THEN I WAS LIKE...SH*T, WHAT THE F*CK IS GOING ON RIGHT NOW???"
"So...another you came from the future?
"PRETTY MUCH. SO I WENT THERE, MADE THE WEIRD THINGY AFTER CONVINCING DISCORD THAT I'M A BADASS, F*CKED UP ON THE DESIGN AND INSTEAD FROZE TIME FOR EVERYTHING EXCEPT ME. IT WAS DURING THIS TIME I DECIDED TO GO OUT AND LOOK FOR SH*T TO FIX THE DAMN THING WITH. NOW UNFORTUNATELY, SINCE GRAVITY AND SPACE-TIME WAS SORT OF F*CKED UP DURING THIS WEIRD AS SH*T EXPERIENCE, IT TOOK ME A LONG ASS F*CKING TIME TO GET EVERYTHING I NEEDED BECAUSE EVERYTHING THAT WASN'T ME SORT OF JUST FLOATED IN SPACE. SO I WAS LIKE WAIT A SEC, I CAN MOVE REALLY BIG THINGS WITH NO F*CKING PROBLEM AT ALL! THEN AGAIN IT SORT OF MAKES SENSE SINCE I WAS THEORETICALLY MOVING SO FAST THAT I HAVE A SH*T F*CK OF MOMENTUM. HELL, I EVEN PICKED UP A HOUSE AND USED IT AS A BACK SCRATCHER, IT FELT SO F*CKING GOOD!"
"Ok, can you stop attempting to describe the specifics in this and just describe the events? " A few question marks popped up in front of Iron WIll.
"JUST THE EVENTS? ALRIGHT THEN. I SNUCK OUT, BUILT A DIGISTRUCTING STATION, MET MYSELF FROM THE FUTURE, GOT STUCK IN TIME, USED THIS TIME TO SCAN A WHOLE MOUNTAIN, SLEEP, KEEP SCANNING THE MOUNTAIN CAUSE IT TAKES F*CKING FOREVER, FIND SH*T TO FIX THE TIME THINGY, RESHAPE ALL OF THE MOUNTAIN'S MASS INTO USABLE MATERIAL FOR BUILDING BUILDINGS VIA DISCORD, CONSTRUCT THIS BIGASS SKYSCRAPER HOUSE NEXT TO FLUTTERSHY THROUGH DIGISTRUCTING, GO THROUGH YOUR STUFF LOOKING FOR A BIT, DUPLICATE THE SH*T OUTTA THAT ONE BIT, USE THE THINGY TO GO BACK IN TIME SO I COULD TELL MYSELF FROM THE PAST TO DO THE SAME SH*T I JUST DID WITH DISCORD, COME BACK TO THE PRESENT, TROLL CELESTIA BY DELAYING THE SUNRISE CAUSE DISCORD'S A F*CKING BADASS, USE MY DIGISTRUCTING STATION TO CONSTANTLY SCAN ONE BIT AND INFINITELY REPRODUCE IT, FIND A DEPLOYABLE TORGUE VENDING MACHINE IN MY POCKET, DUPLICATE THE SH*T OUT OF THAT VENDING MACHINE, SET UP MORE TORGUE ADVERTISEMENT POSTERS, GET BADASS CLOTHES FROM RARITY, MAKE MORE DIGISTRUCTING STATIONS BY DUPLICATING THE ONE I ALREADY HAD, RUN BACK TO THE HOTEL, KICK DOWN THE DOOR, AND NOW WE'RE HERE!!!"
Mr. Torgue took a deep breath after the verbal onslaught before abruptly yelling again. "F*CK THAT WAS A LONG ASS SENTENCE, THEN AGAIN THAT WAS A LONG ASS NIGHT, I WAS AWAKE FOR LIKE TWO WHOLE DAYS."
"...What. "
"I KNOW, PRETTY F*CKING BORING STORY RIGHT? I HAVN'T SEEN AN EXPLOSION FOR A HELLA LONG TIME!"
Iron Will pinched his forehead in exasperation. "What is this I don't even... "
"SO NOW THAT WE'RE DONE WITH THAT, LET'S GO RUN AROUND TOWN ADVERTISING MY NAME BY BLOWING SH*T UP! THEN WE GOT A SHOW TO DO! COME ON!" Mr. Torgue floated towards a wall and tapped it, causing a section of white to slide down, revealing a hallway. "BY THE WAY! STOP THINKING LIKE A TOTAL RETARD! YOU'RE F*CKING UP THE MIND READERS GOD DAMNIT!" Sure enough, a few sparks were coming out of the wall next to Iron WIll.
Iron Will sighed loudly. "You know what? I don't even care anymore about reasoning... "
As the duo exited Mr. Torgue's newly erected home, Iron Will couldn't help but glance around the surrounding area of Fluttershy's home, absolutely covered with wildlife and animals all happily... staring up into the sky? He looked behind him and looked up to see a sight that made his jaw drop. There was a massive, cylinder-shaped skyscraper with a strange bulging tip at the top; the building easily towered over anything else he had ever seen before. The whole building was completely made out of silver with crystal clear windows and electronic screens covering most of it, plus a large TORGUE logo at the top near the bottom of the bulge.
"HEY DISCORD! WAZZZAAAAAPPP??? WANNA BLOW SH*T UP?"
The draconequus in question was currently talking to Fluttershy, who was questioning the giant structure that erected out of nowhere overnight right outside her cottage.
"Well excuuuse me if some strange creature ran over here demanding that I turn his mountain into a skyscraper. Oh, why there he is now." Discord turned to face Mr. Torgue. "Salutations good sir! And yes, I would love to go make random objects explode. It is certainly one of the more finer forms of chaos, so long as you don't look at the explosion." With a snap of his talons, Discord suddenly donned a tuxedo, as well as a rocket launcher with a familiar race-car pattern.
"Okay Discord, but I'm coming with you, I don't want you hurting anypony, understand?" Fluttershy gave Discord a stern look.
"EXACTLY. STARTING FIGHTS FOR NO APPARENT REASON ALWAYS CAUSES PROBLEMS, EXCEPT IN MY CASE WHEN I FOUGHT IRON WILL AND BECAME FRIENDS. WAIT, WHAT THE F*CK? HOW DID THAT EVEN HAPPEN?"
"We must be... " Iron Will paused before smirking. "Badasses. Except for the fact that we scared away the entire crowd, that and the fact that we're probably going to be front page in the newspapers soon. "
"F*CK YEAH WE'RE BADASSES, AND NOW THAT DISCORD IS WITH US, WE CAN GO F*CK SH*T UP ON A WHOLE NEW LEVEL! AND BY THAT I MEAN MAKE THINGS EXPLODE FOR PROFIT. HOW DOES THAT EVEN WORK???"
Discord shrugged. "Eh, you don't really have to know how anything works, nothing really makes sense if you think about it. For instance, who's clever idea was it to go and milk cows in the first place?"
"PROBABLY SOME FARMER WHO WAS REALLY F*CKING DRU–"
Mr. Torgue was rudely interrupted by multiple explosions and screams emanating from the distance.
"Huh. I think I just heard Wilhelm scream," Discord remarked.
Mr. Torgue put a hand to his forehead and looked off into the distance. "DISCORD, DID YOU DO SOMETHING RETARDED, OR DO I SEE PONIES ACTUALLY RUNNING AROUND WITH MY GUNS?"
Discord shrugged. "Well I don't even know what a gun is, so I'm assuming they are indeed running around with your guns... whatever that means."
"AWESOME! LET'S GO DOWN THERE AND SPONTANEOUSLY START A PARTY! MOTHERF*CKING TORGUE STYLE. LET'S GO FIND PINKIE PIE!!!" He sprinted down the hill and jumped over all the various animals while shooting multiple rockets into the air with his POCKET ROCKET.
Discord bent his long neck over to Fluttershy's head. "How come he gets to cause so much chaos without everypony hating him?" He put on his best puppy eyes expression.
Fluttershy replied in a monotone voice. "Because he's nice and doesn't have a history of corrupting multiple ponies and turning an entire town upside down." She immediately smiled afterwards. "But you see what I mean Discord? Being nice to everypony can get you a long way, but have patience; it might take quite some time for everypony to accept you." Fluttershy cheerfully nuzzled Discord's head.
"Yes, I suppose it will," Discord sighed. "Now then, time to join him in wrecking havoc." With a snap of his fingers Discord disappeared with a bright white light.
"Hey! Don't you dare leave me behind when I said I'm sticking with you mister!" Faster than what most ponies would expect from Fluttershy, she took off from the ground at breakneck speeds, leaving behind a yellow trail with pink butterflies in its wake.
"Celestia as my witness I'm gonna get myself killed today... "
"HOLY SH*T STICK ON A D*CK WHAT THE F*CK IS GOING ON RIGHT NOW???"
Downtown Ponyville was utterly rampant with destruction caused by a few unicorns who managed to get their hooves on some guns from all the TORGUE vending machines set up last night. Fortunately, it was just the unicorns that were able to use them rather than everypony randomly starting an all out war. Except for Pinkie Pie, somehow she was using her mane to hold a gigantic pistol that was firing a multitude of rockets in a horizontal spread.
"Weeee! These things are so much fun!" She turned around and popped up right in Mr. Torgue's face, brandishing the gun in front of her. "Oh! Oh! Can you make these things shoot streamers? That would be so super duper fantastically–AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH IT'S DISCORD!!!"
"Obviously." Discord casually pointed the DERP DUUURP! in some random direction and fired a banana from it.
Mr. Torgue reached behind his back as a TORGUE SHOTGUN digistructed right into his hands. He swung it out and cocked it with one hand. "HEY PINKIE, THINK YOU CAN RANDOMLY THROW A F*CKING PARTY FOR NO GOD DAMN REASON RIGHT NOW? NOW'S THE PERFECT TIME TO ADVERTISE TORGUE AND HOW AWESOME EXPLOSIONS ARE!!!"
Before Pinkie could respond, Fluttershy managed to catch up and gracefully land by Discord. "Discord, next time wait for somepony if they want to accompany you." Fluttershy turned to Pinkie Pie. "And don't worry about Discord, he knows not to cause too much trouble. Besides, I'm going to be right here with him." Fluttershy cheerfully hugged Discord's leg.
Discord looked down and smiled sheepishly at the adorable gesture.
"HNNNGGHHH******ERRRMERRRGERRRSH WHAT IS DIS**********************THIS IS JUST SO F********GOD DAMN*******AAAAA**************PUPPIES*****CUTE!!! MY HEART!!! FLUTTERSHY YOU'RE SO F*CKING ADORABLE I JUST WANNA BEAT THE SH*T OUTTA PIKACHU!"
Fluttershy stared back at Mr. Torgue. "Uh...okay."
"Everypony! Stop what you are doing! In the name of Celestia just stop!" Mayor Mare desperately called out to the chaos unfolding in front of the town hall, to which many heads turned and all random explosions and Wilhelm screams ceased.
The mayor sighed a breath of relief. "As I'm sure all of you are aware, there has been a disturbance in the marketplace due to the appearance of some strange machines that will generate these..."guns" at just the push of a button. While I'm sure you all love this amazing technology, these things are dangerous and are causing harm to our town and potentially to other ponies. We need to–"
"BLOW MORE SH*T UP! DON'T YOU ALL LOVE EXPLOSIONS? PRETTY MUCH EVERY PROBLEM IN THIS WORLD CAN BE SOLVED WITH AN EXPLOSION!!! BUY MY GUNS, AND YOU'LL BE BLOWING STUFF UP IN NO TIME! ALL FOR A REASONABLE PRICE! JUST BE SURE TO PRACTICE SAFETY AND READ THE F*CKING INSTRUCTION MANUALS. I KNOW WAY TOO MANY DUMB ASSES WHO DON'T READ THAT SH*T! THERE'S A REASON WHY KNOWLEDGE IS F*CKING POWER!"
Unfortunately, not many ponies listened to Mr. Torgue's little speech.
"AAAAAAA!!! It's that thing from yesterday!"
"He's with Discord!!! AND PINKIE!!!!"
"RUN!!!"
"Use the guns! USE THE GUNS!"
A few explosive rounds flew by Mr. Torgue and the group, all incredibly inaccurate. Multiple clicks could be heard from the guns as they all stopped firing after a few shots.
"HEY! YOU GOTTA RELOAD THE GUN! THEY DON'T JUST SHOOT STUFF FOREVER." He took out an explosive bullet from his pocket. "YOU SEE THIS THING? YOU GOTTA TAKE IT–" Mr. Torgue slowly moved the bullet into the shotgun. "–AND PUT IT INTO THE GUN!"
Discord was casually lounging on a random sofa he conjured. "I have to admit, explosions do seem to put on quite the show."
A certain lavender unicorn's voice bellowed above the crowd. "CITIZENS OF PONYVILLE! DO NOT PANIC! Mr. Torgue and Discord mean us no harm, and neither does Pinkie! Just allow me to explai–ACK! Darnit Lyra!"
Twilight was unfortunately shoved aside by a franticly charging mint green unicorn. "Ohmygosh Ohmygosh Ohmygosh! Is that...Is that a HUMAN?!?!?! YES! I KNEW THEY WERE REAL! Lyra ran up to Mr. Torgue and pointed to all the various gadgets and guns he had strapped on. Human, did you make all those devices???"
Somewhere in the mass of confusion, Bon Bon desperately shouted out. "Lyra no! That thing beat up Iron Will yesterday!"
Mr. Torgue stared at this strange unicorn that seemed to be bursting with excitement. "WHOA, CAN YOU BREAK THE FOURTH WALL TOO?"
"...What?" Lyra raised an eyebrow.
Pinkie somehow extended her neck and whispered into Mr. Torgue's ear. "Shhhh! Don't tell anypony about that! "
He pointed a finger at Lyra. "THEN WHY THE F*CK DOES MINTY HERE KNOW ABOUT HUMANS?"
"Don't you know? Humans are a species of legend here in Equestria! Ponies tend to think you guys are bad, but I think you just need to show them how awesome you are with your technology!" Lyra enthusiastically tried to telekinetically remove a grenade from Mr. Torgue's belt, but she pulled the pin instead.
"OH SH*T, WHAT THE F*CK!!!" He quickly dislodged the grenade and tossed it behind him.
A scream that sounded awfully similar to Iron Will's emanated from the direction of the following explosion.
Lyra sprinted past Mr. Torgue with an expression of pure panic. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!! I'm so sorry! Please forgive me, I-I didn't mean to..." She gasped in horror at the mutilated corpse. "IS HE DEAD???"
Mr. Torgue turned around to see Iron Will's lifeless body slowly disintegrate. "DON'T F*CKING WORRY ABOUT IT, HE'LL BE BACK TO LIFE IN A FEW SECONDS. HE'S ALREADY IN THE TORGUE RELIEF RE-LIFE SYSTEM FROM WHEN MY DIGISTRUCTING STATION SCANNED HIM. THAT ESSENTIALLY JUST F*CKING MEANS HE CAN COME BACK TO LIFE AS LONG AS MY DIGISTRUCTING STATIONS ARE STILL WORKING"
"Wait, you... you can bring people back to life?" Lyra looked back at Mr. Torgue tearfully.
"EEF*CKINGYUP! I CAN TAKE A DIGITAL RENDITION OF ANYTHING AND BRING IT INTO THIS WORLD IN ITS EXACT SAVED STATE. WATCH, IRON WILL IS GONNA COME CHARGING OUT OF THAT HOTEL DOOR OVER THERE ANY SECOND NOW."
Sure enough, the double doors of a nearby building were thrown open as a furious minotaur charged through them. "WHAT THE BUCK WAS THAT FOR??? "
Mr. Torgue tossed his shotgun into the crowd and brought his fists up. "I HAVE NO F*CKING IDEA! LET'S FIGHT!"
Iron Will tackled Mr. Torgue to the ground as for the second day in a row the two of them battled an epic fight as they tackled and punched each other into various structures all over town. They were smashing into shopping stands, crashing through doors and windows, and even grabbing random objects like rakes and shovels along the way. Meanwhile, a crowd of bystanders gathered and could only look in awe at the miraculous resurrection of Iron Will.
Twilight looked like she was going to start bouncing off the houses any second now. "How... HOW DID YOU DO THAT? Mr. Torgue, you're a genius! Do you realize how many lives can be saved and drastically affected? You need to help those that are dying in hospitals pronto! I'll send Princess Celestia a letter! I can get you all the bits you need! I'll... uh, Mr. Torgue?
"F*********CK!"
Iron Will had just delivered a fatal blow to Mr. Torgue's face, causing enough head damage for him to stumble back onto the ground lay there for an uncomfortable amount of time until he began to fade away.
Iron Will slowly backed away from the spot where Mr. Torgue used to be, gasping in horror.
Mr. Torgue soon ran out of the Hotel as well, with his body and equipment looking good as new. "SH*T THAT WAS A GOOD FIGHT! YOU DESERVE THE HONOR OF A FISTBUMP FROM YOURS TRULY!!!"
"Wait what? Ah, what the hay, why not? "
After fist-bumping Iron Will and following up with a manly hug, Mr. Torgue turned around and realized that everypony started to cheer and stomp the ground repeatedly after such an entertaining fight, exulting in jubilant joy at the prospect of so many life changing aspects that could be brought upon by this TORGUE RELIEF RE-LIFE technology.
Like being able to spontaneously fight for no apparent reason.
"That was amazing!"
"I'll pay you anything sir! How do I sign up for this?"
"We're so sorry for judging you!"
"YEEEAHH! EXPLOSIONS!" A white pegasus stallion flexed his muscles above the crowd.
Mr. Torgue only smiled as the ponies continued to cheer, praising him and apologizing for their accusations from before.
Even Discord was standing up and gaping in awe at this marvelous technology. "Mr. Torgue, can you... defy death forever with this? Are you some sort of god?"
"F*CK YEAH I CAN DEFY DEATH! BUT I NEED YOU ALL TO LISTEN TO MY GOD DAMN WORDS. FIRST OF ALL, I'M NOT A GOD, I'M JUST A HUMAN FROM THE FUTURE. SECOND, UNDERSTAND THAT THIS ISN'T A FOOL PROOF SYSTEM THAT CAN SOLVE ALL YOUR F*CKING PROBLEMS OVERNIGHT. THIS IS THE REASON WHY I WANT ALL OF YOU TO SHUT UP AND LISTEN AS I CONTINUE TO F*CKING ADVERTISE TORGUE!!! THEN I CAN ACTUALLY EXPLAIN HOW ALL THIS SH*T WORKS, AND AFTER THAT I CAN HELP ALL OF YOU! GOT IT?"
Mr. Torgue's outburst was meet with cheers and more hoof stomping.
"OH YEAH AND DRAGON, YOU STILL NEEED TO WAIT A BIT FOR THE ASSERTIVENESS SHOW, YOU'RE EARLY BY A COUPLE HOURS."
"Yeah I know, I just wanted to see what all the commotion was about."
The crowd of ponies turned around to see a giant orange dragon that was sitting behind them the whole time.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!"
LET'S GO F*CK UP PONYVILLE!
LET'S GO F*CK UP PONYVILLE!
After the bright white light fleeted from everypony's eyes, the crowd began to cheer wildly at the ginormous mushroom cloud explosion that had just occurred.
Rainbow's jaw dropped. "What... the... buck... THAT WAS AWESOME!"
"Weee! That was so cool!" Pinkie laughed.
Twilight raised an eyebrow. "I'm just surprised that the explosion didn't kill us, or harm us at all for that matter."
The whole town stared in disbelief at the giant smoldering crater and the remains of Vinyl and Octavia's home. Yet oddly enough, the digistructing station still remained behind, seemingly unscratched by the explosion. The device beeped and started to create a digital outline of something excessively large.
Rarity seemed like she was going to explode with excitement. "Ohhhh, the drama! Whatever is this surprise going to be?"
Applejack squinted as she tried to make out the shape. "I dunno, but sure it as heck better not be another one of those darn stallion parts... oh fer' cryin' out loud! Is it?"
Twilight shook her head. "Don't worry AJ, by the looks of it, the diameter doesn't look right in proportion to the length of an erect penis, and the bulge at the tip is much too sharp, sort of like a harpoon. If this was a penis, it definitely isn't going to look right..."
She looked around and noticed the shocked expressions her friends wore.
Twilight blushed. "Oh uh... books, about… don't ask."
Fluttershy placed a hoof on her back. "Twilight, I'm worried about you."
The blue outline slowly began to fade away as the shape glowed brightly; then the giant orange dragon appeared.
"Hey, what the heck? Why did the dragon come outta that thing? Wasn't he always here with us?" Rainbow Dash looked around in confusion.
The dragon shrugged. "I dunno, perhaps Mr. Torgue brought us all back to life at separate times after the explosion. By the way, where are all the buildings? And why is the sky all fuzzy?"
"Huh? What are you talking about?" Twilight looked around as well. "Oh. Whoa."
The town now looked like it was from a dream; buildings were missing, details looked fuzzy, and there wasn't any lighting or shadows to anything. It was almost as if Ponyville was turned into a stage for a video game.
Suddenly, Vinyl and Octavia appeared from the beacon.
"OOF! Ow, my face... it hurts. Man, how the hay am I even alive?" As Vinyl got up, she blinked a few times before feeling her face only to realize it was missing something. "Huh? What the... hey! What happened to my shades?! What the buck just happened???" Vinyl frantically searched the ground around her.
Octavia took a quick glance around. "It would appear that Mr. Torgue destroyed the entire town and killed all of us, then reanimated everything. I think."
Twilight nodded. "Probably explains why none of us felt anything... wait, why was the crowd here first?"
A disembodied voice emanated from seemingly everywhere. "WELCOME TO PURGATORY. JUST KIDDING. F*CK RELIGION! YOU'RE ALL IN THE TORGUE DATABANKS! THAT EXPLOSION WAS ACTUALLY A WEIRD AS HELL THINGY-MA-BOBBER THAT TURNS EVERYTHING IT HITS INTO DATA FOR DIGISTRUCTING BEACONS TO INSTANTLY SCAN. SO NOW THAT YOU'RE ALL DATA, HOW DO YOU FEEL? OH WAIT, SH*T I NEED TO ANSWER YOUR QUESTION. I'M RUNNING THIS 3D MODELING PROGRAM AND I DECIDED TO PLACE THE CROWD BEFORE THE FAT ASS DRAGON AND THE LESBIANS."
Applejack raised an eyebrow. "Yer' runnin' a wut now?"
"I think that just means he's basically like a god of this place," Pinkie answered.
"SO REMEMBER HOW I SAID I WOULD MAKE YOU ALL BADASSES? WELL, HERE'S A PERFECT OPPORTUNITY TO FIGHT JUST FOR THE SH*TS AND GIGGLES! PAIN IS TURNED OFF AND RESPAWNS ARE INFINITE. THIS IS ALL FOR FUN! HAVE AT IT!!!"
"Oh! Oh! Wait, I have a question! Where are you right now?" Pinkie asked.
"IN THE REAL WORLD EATING A SANDWICH WHILE REMODELING PONYVILLE. IN THE MEANTIME, GO KILL YOURSELVES WHILE I F*CK AROUND WITH YOUR TOWN. DON'T WORRY, EVERYTHING WILL STILL LOOK MORE OR LESS SIMILAR TO WHAT IT USED TO BE, AND BY THAT I MEAN COMPLETELY DIFFERENT AND OR SO F*CKED UP THAT IT LOOKS COMPLETELY UNRECOGNIZABLE."
Twilight's eyes widened. "WAIT WHAT? Mr. Torgue, if you're going to trap us all in here, then I won't stand for Ponyville being turned into some barbaric deformity of what it used to be! And you better leave the library alone!!!"
The rest of Ponyville seemed to agree and protested as well.
"We're not going to go kill each other just for fun! How do we know you're not going to just screw us over in the end?"
"Yeah! Get us out of here! I don't wanna be some nonexistent piece of data!"
"A massacre isn't 'badass'! It's just brutal!"
"Besides! We don't want you changing our hometown!"
"OKAY FINE! BE THAT WAY! BUT I'M NOT GOING TO LET YOU ALL GO UNTIL I PUT TORGUE F*CKING EVERYWHERE IN PONYVILLE!"
Rainbow flew up high into the sky. "Buzz off Torgue! What the hay makes you think you're gonna keep us all in here while you mess everything up?"
"THE FACT I CAN DO SH*T LIKE THIS!"
Suddenly, Iron Will fell from the sky out of nowhere and hit the ground at full speed, dying instantly.
The crowd gasped in horror; Iron Will didn't even reanimate afterwards.
Discord grimaced. "Ooooooh. That's just mean, don't you think?"
Rarity gasped. "Somepony needs to stop that monster!"
"I FIND IT FUNNY HOW YOU ALL HAD NO PROBLEM RUNNING AROUND WITH GUNS BLOWING SH*T UP, BUT WHEN I GIVE YOU ALL A BADASS OPPORTUNITY TO GO KILL EACH OTHER FOR NO REASON, YOU ALL GO AND REJECT IT! WHAT THE F*CK IS UP WITH THAT?"
"You know what the problem is? The fact that you're going to mess up our town!" shouted Rainbow.
"WELL IF YOU ALL AREN'T GOING TO FIGHT EACH OTHER, IMMA FORCE YOU ALL TO DO SO ANYWAYS! GET READY FOR SOME F*CKING NINJA PENGUINS!!!"
Seemingly out of nowhere, giant ice shards erupted out of the ground at various different areas, each shattering and releasing a group of hooded overweight penguins all armed with various random weapons.
Twilight's horn glowed brightly. "Listen Torgue! We're not going to fight! Even if this isn't reality!" She telekinetically grabbed every single weapon out of each penguins' fins and tossed them all into the crater.
"AWW COME ON! I WANTED TO SEE HOW A PENGUIN COULD EVEN FIGHT WITH A GUITAR!"
An idea suddenly struck Twilight. "Pinkie! Can you somehow escape from here and go back into reality? Maybe then you could stop Mr. Torgue and get us all out of here!" She quickly looked around and failed to spot the pink pony anywhere. "Pinkie? Where are you?"
A familiar chipper voice came from the sky. "Hiya Mr. Torgue! Oh, is that like a computer in the future? Wowww, it looks soooo cool!"
"EYUP! FLOATING SCREENS ARE THE F*CKING SH*T. WAIT A MINUTE, HOLY D*CKBALLS HOW IN THE NAME OF SWEET BABY JESUS DID YOU F*CKING GET OUT HERE?!?!"
"Hey what does this floating button do?"
A click was heard as every single digistruct station in the virtual Ponyville beeped once.
"HEY! WHAT THE F*CK DID YOU JUST PRESS?"
"I dunno! Weren't you looking?"
"DAMNIT PINKIE GET THE F*CK BACK INTO THE DATABANKS."
"Oof!" Pinke suddenly came out of one of the digistruct stations. "Twilight! We HAVE to hurry, cuz I set the beacons to be able to take us back into the real world! Hurryhurryhurry!"
"Alright everypony, head for the scanners!" shouted Twilight.
The civilians of Ponyville immediately rushed, flew, and teleported towards the nearest racecar striped digistruct station they could find.
"OH NO YOU DON'T! KUNG FU CAMELS AWAYYYY!!!"
Every virtual digistruct station in the town began spawning multiple gruff looking camels, all with waistbands on their heads and hooves raised to fight.
Rainbow Dashed dived into one of the groups in front of the crater. "I'll take care of these guys! Just get to the beacon!"
Twilight telekinetically shoved away as many camels and penguins as she could from other nearby beacons. "Hurry! Even if only one of us gets through, it will still help stop Mr. Torgue!"
"Y'all heard her! Charge!!!" Applejack reared up before charging straight into the fray.
"GOD F*CKING DAMNIT! F*CK IT, I'M JUST GONNA COPY PASTE AS MUCH SH*T AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE INTO YOUR WAY!"
As the ponies tried to battle the camels and shove the penguins out of the way, random objects seemed to appear from nowhere; food and furniture were falling from the sky, the ground erupted in geometrically impossible shapes, and all the buildings in virtual Ponyville began to break apart and float in various random positions. The lighting had also changed, everything seemed to glow extremely bright and colors became darker in general.
Rainbow flew just out of the reach of a falling cactus. "Gah! What the hay is going on right now???"
"What in tarnation? Ah' can barely see nothin' no more!" Applejack had lowered her stetson and was desperately trying to make out the ever changing landscape around her.
"BUFFERING??? OH SON OF A SODOMIZED MENTALLY F*CKING DISABLED HIPPOPOTAMUS!"
"I don't think we can get to the beacons anymore like this!" Twilight yelped as a flying refrigerator brushed her tail. "Discord! Can you stop any of this?"
Discord snapped his fingers multiple times. "Nope! Too random. Eh, whatever." He teleported up into the air and casually observed the utterly ridiculous scene below.
"Uhh, is there anything I should do? I'm afraid I might squish somepony if I move."
Pinkie climbed out of the dragon's nose. "You should grab as many of the camels as you can and throw them really really far away!
"HOLY SH*T THE SCREENS JUST FROZE. WHAT THE F*CK IS GOING ON IN THERE? I SWEAR IF THIS PROGRAM CRASHES AGAIN I'M GOING TO FLIP A F*CKING HOUSE!!!"
"Ugh, you know what? Buck this!" Rainbow flew up into the air, looking for the nearest digistruct station and diving to it. "I'm going to get the heck outta here and stop Torgue so the rest of you can get out!"
"Rainbow, wait! Tell me where you are so I can teleport to you!" shouted Twilight.
"We don't have the time!" With a push of a button and a quick scan, Rainbow disintegrated into millions of tiny blue blocks and faded away.
Rainbow reappeared outside Vinyl's house, flopping onto the ground that was now devoid of the giant stage.
"Alright Mr. Torgue! You're gonna–" She looked around and realized that nothing looked different aside from the digistruct stations and vending machines everywhere. "Pay for what you did...?"
"HEY RAINBOW, COME INSIDE THE HOUSE! WHOEVER LIVES HERE IS A F*CKING BADASS!"
"Dude, you forgot to tell her that this was all an act. "
"THAT TOO, DON'T WORRY THE MIC IS TURNED OFF. ALSO, NOTHING FROZE OR CRASHED SO EVERYTHING'S STILL GOING ACCORDING TO PLAN."
"Come in here Dashie! We're playing Borderlands 2 !"
Rainbow raised an eyebrow. "Wait what? What's going on? I thought you were in the fake world Pinks." She opened the door to find the other three lounging on a couch, each with separate screens floating in front of them.
Mr. Torgue threw out his arms in a welcoming gesture. "HOW DID YOU LIKE MY ACT? THIS WAS ALL PART OF THE ASSERTIVENESS SHOW, AND I GOTTA SAY, YOU LITTLE PONIES ARE F*CKING BADASS! YOU ALL EVEN STOOD UP TO BIG OL' NASTY TORGUE EVEN THOUGH I COULD'VE EASILY JUST KILLED ALL OF YOU WITH THE PUSH OF A BUTTON, BUT I DIDN'T CAUSE I WANTED TO SEE WHETHER OR NOT YOU WERE ALL COMPLETE PUSHOVERS. YOU WEREN'T! GOOD F*CKING JOB!!!"
"Crud! Pinkie, throw out a turret, now! I'm going to go backstab this idiot. " Iron Will frantically pushed the buttons on his controller.
"Ack! It's on cooldown right now!"
Mr. Torgue leaned over and blocked Iron Will's screen. "HEY! WOULD YOU TWO F*CKING PAUSE THE DAMN GAME AND PAY ATTENTION TO RAINBOW DASH? OR AT LEAST LOOK AT MY SCREEN SO YOU CAN SEE BADASS SH*T HAPPEN."
"Stop spitting in Iron Will's face! "
"So let me get this straight, this was all an act just so you can make Ponyville assertive or something?" asked Rainbow.
"PRETTY MUCH." Mr. Torgue went back to tapping his screen more. HEY, YOU ALL GOTTA CHECK OUT WHAT'S GOING ON RIGHT NOW. THERE'S THIS WEIRD-ASS BUG PONY THING BITING THE ASS OF A RETARDED CAMEL. I DUNNO WHAT KIND OF WACKY MAGIC THIS F*CKER'S DOING, BUT THAT PONY LOVES ASS!" Mr. Torgue tapped the screen and zoomed in on a lone changeling amidst the utter chaos.
"Whoawhoawhoa what???" Pinkie stretched her head to the front of the screen. "Oh no. Nononononono this isn't good." If there was a changeling in Ponyville, then that means Chrysalis must have spies here, and if there was one changeling, then there's gotta be more spying on us, and if there are more spying on us, Chrysalis must know that Ponyville is COMPLETELY EMPTY RIGHT NOW AND THAT–"
Mr. Torgue placed a hand on Pinkie's mouth. "PINKIE, SHUT UP THE HELL UP. RAINBOW, TELL ME WITH EXTREMELY PRECISE DETAIL WHAT A CHANGELING IS."
Rainbow stared at him with a blank expression. "Uhh, they're basically weird alien bug pony things that can disguise themselves as other ponies and feed off love that was supposed to go to who they were copying." She gestured to the screen. "You should probably turn everything back to normal already..."
"YOU DO REALIZE THAT EVERYBODY'S JUST GOING TO ATTACK ME ON SIGHT WHEN THEY GET BACK RIGHT? THE POINT OF ALL THE CHAOTIC SH*T GOING ON RIGHT NOW IS SO THAT I GET A STEADY TRAFFIC FLOW. WATCH, ANOTHER PONY'S GOING TO MAKE IT ANY SECOND NOW."
"There's no time for this though Torgy! We might get invaded any second now because–"
"WAIT, WHAT THE F*CK DID YOU JUST CALL ME?"
Just then the sound of glass shattering could be heard not too far away.
Iron Will's eyes went wide. "That doesn't sound good. "
"NO SH*T DUMBF*CK." Mr. Torgue minimized his screen and ran outside with his POCKET ROCKET drawn and ready. "HOLY SH*T THERE'S A GRAY PONY WITH DERP EYES IN FRONT OF THE BEACON!"
"Ooh! Did Derpy get back? Hi Derpy!" Pinkie hopped outside as well, only to look up at the sky with horror. "ACK! Guys, there's changelings EVERYWHERE! Ewwww, and they're putting gooey icky slime EVERYWHERE!"
Rainbow immediately flew out of the house. "Sweet Celestia..."
Iron Will ran out and chuckled. "Hey don't worry, we can't die remember? "
Derpy got up and angrily derped her eyes at Mr. Torgue. "I'm going to stop you from messing up the town!"
"QUICK, SOMEONE EXPLAIN TO DERPY WHAT THE F*CK IS GOING ON WHILE I GO BE A BADASS!" Mr. Torgue ran towards the changelings while deploying his jetpack, flying straight into the swarm. "FOR NARNIA!!!"
Mr. Torgue flew towards the changeling swarm hovering over Ponyville as he drew his POCKET ROCKET only to look at it in confusion and put it away. He then flew straight into the massive changeling swarm and pushed a button on his jetpack.
"CARPE DIEM!!!" His jetpack immediately exploded, sending green goop everywhere and launching hundreds of bugs bits in all directions.
Many changelings stopped what they were doing and looked at the sky in horror, hissing loudly with awestruck expressions.
Rainbow's jaw dropped. "What."
Derpy blinked. "What do 'for narnia' and 'carpe diem' even mean?"
"They're both stuff you would say right before you do something reaaaaally stupid. Remember back when I used to say 'yolo' a lot?" asked Pinkie.
Mr. Torgue materialized by the beacon, this time with a giant sword strapped to his back. "PINKIE'S PRETTY MUCH SPOT ON, CAUSE WHEN I WAS FLYING I REALIZED I FORGOT TO BRING AMMO SO I WAS LIKE F*CK IT, ALLAH! ALSO, YOLO WOULDN'T MAKE SENSE FOR THIS SINCE CLEARLY, I'M LIVING MORE THAN ONCE UNLIKE MOST RETARDED FAGGOTS. SERIOUSLY, THE AMOUNT OF TIMES I HAVE HEARD SUICIDE PSYCHOS BACK IN PANDORA SHOUT YOLO BEFORE KILLING THEMSELVES MAKES ME WANT TO KILL MYSELF."
"That's nice and all, but I think you may have just pissed off the rest of them. "
A large number of changelings had spotted the group in front of Vinyl & Octavia's house and charged towards them, fangs bared and dripping with green goop.
"SH*T'S ABOUT TO GET REAL!" Mr. Torgue drew his sword and pushed a button on the hilt, extending multiple spikes along the blade; the middle also glowed blue.
Rainbow socked an oncoming changeling in the face. "Torgue, stop messing around! What the hay is the point of a six foot long sword when you can just blow everything up?"
Mr. Torgue was swinging around the massive blade with ease, almost as if he were simply swinging a stick around. However, the blade was simply passing through everything he hit, confusing the changelings as they looked around to see if the weapon would indirectly hurt them somehow.
"WHAT THE F*CK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT RAINBOW? ME WITHOUT EXPLOSIONS IS LIKE A SANDWICH WITHOUT BREAD." Mr. Torgue snapped his fingers as every changeling he had hit before suddenly glowed blue as they exploded, launching and injuring many other changelings. "DON'T DOUBT MY EXPLOSIONS DAMNIT!"
Suddenly, Mr Torgue was punched in the back of the head with enough force to send him careening into another house.
"Hey Mr. Torgue! Don't punch yourself! It's not good for you!" shouted Derpy.
"Wait what?" Rainbow turned around as she bucked another changeling. "Derpy look out! That's a changeling, not Mr. Torgue!"
Seeing how strong Mr. Torgue was, the rest of the changelings decided to transform themselves into Mr. Torgue, igniting green flames throughout the town.
"TIME TO BLOW SH*T UP!"
"WOOOOOOO EXPLOSIONS!"
"WHAT THE F*CK IS GOING ON?"
"DOES ANYONE ELSE FEEL LIKE A F*CKING BADASS RIGHT NOW?"
"HOLY SH*T I JUST REALIZED THAT I'M STANDING ON MY HIND LEGS!"
"THIS IS F*CKING AWESOME!"
Iron Will looked around in horror. "Oh dear Celestia this cannot be happening this cannot be happening WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!?! "
Mr. Torgue jumped out of the house he was in. "HOLY SH*T WHY ARE THERE SO MANY ME'S???"
"WE'RE CHANGELINGS DUMBASS!"
"GOD YOU'RE F*CKING STUPID."
"HEY LET'S GO BEAT THE SH*T OUTTA SOME PONIES!"
"EWWW, THAT'S F*CKING NASTY!"
"NOT LITERALLY YOU F*CKING IDIOT."
Rainbow took to the skies to avoid the stampede of charging Torgue's. "Sweet Celestia! Do something Mr. Torgue!"
"I AM DOING SOMETHING!" More changeling Torgue's exploded soon after.
"Oh! Oh! Mr. Torgue, can I have that weird gun that shot out like twenty rockets all at once that I had this morning? Prettypretty please?"
"It would definitely help if we had some weapons right–OOF! " Iron Will was interrupted by a roundhouse kick to the face.
"GET TO THE VENDING MACHINES AND THROW MONEY AT IT! ACTUALLY, IT WOULD PROBABLY BE A BETTER IDEA IF RAINBOW WENT TO GET THEM FOR YOU GUYS!"
Suddenly, the beacon started glowing blue again as more Mr. Torgue's suddenly resapwned.
"WHAT THE F*CK?"
"WAIT, I'M ALIVE? WHAT IS THIS???"
"WHO GIVES A SH*T? LET'S KEEP BLOWING STUFF UP!"
"HEY, HOW COME WE HAVE THESE BIGASS SWORDS ON OUR BACKS?"
"HOLY SH*T THIS IS THE THINGY THAT THE ACTUAL ME USED TO KILL ME!"
The newly spawned group of changeling Torgue's all drew their swords and sprinted towards the ponies.
"Crud! Mr. Torgue, stop killing more of them!" shouted Rainbow.
"What are we going to do??? " Iron Will was running for his life, only to be slashed by one of the changeling Torgue's and exploding immediately after.
"MEET UP AT TORGUE HEADQUARTERS, I NEED TO CHANGE THE DATABANKS AND STOP THIS MADNESS!" Mr. Torgue stabbed himself with his sword as he started to glow blue. "I'M GONNA MEET YOU ALL THERE!"
"Come on Derpy! We gotta go!" Rainbow flew over to Derpy and grabbed her before taking off towards TORGUE HEADQUARTERS at supersonic speeds.
"Hey what about me?! hate it when I have to do something cartoony! That stuff should only happen randomly and at appropriate comedic moments!" Pinkie pouted.
"WHAT THE F*CK IS THE PINK HORSEY TALKING ABOUT?"
"IT DOESN'T MATTER, JUST KILL IT WITH EXPLOSIONS!"
Pinkie took a step forward and suddenly disappeared. "Sorry fourth wall! I owe you BIG time!"
Iron Will suddenly found himself reappearing in a rather small bedroom occupied with a single bed, the digistruct beacon, and multiple floating screens, along with the rest of the gang . Mr. Torgue was fiddling with a floating screen, typing at ridiculously fast speeds while constantly tapping the screen. Everypony else seemed to be looking at the screen with worried expressions.
Iron Will went over and had a look for himself. "Guys, what's going on? "
"SON OF A BITCH, THE SCANNERS CAN'T DIFFERENTIATE A CHANGELING AND ME FOR SOME STUPID F*CKING REASON. I'M TRYING TO SEE IF I CAN GET THEM TO DISTINGUISH MY BRAIN AND THEIRS, BUT APPARENTLY, CHANGELINGS BECOME EXACT F*CKING COPIES WITH DIFFERENT THOUGHTS. THIS IS BULLSH*T!"
"Well then how are we supposed to get them all out of Ponyville?" asked Rainbow.
Pinkie stuck her head through the floating screen. "See Mr. Torgue? This is why we NEED to bring back everypony! We need their help!"
"OH SH*T, I TOTALLY FORGOT ABOUT ALL OF THEM. LET ME JUST SPAWN THEM ALL IN THE WHITE ROOM." Mr. Torgue tapped an icon on the screen as a loud thud came from underneath them. He then pulled a microphone out of his pocket and started shouting into it without pausing. "OKAY SORRY ABOUT ALL THE RETARDED SH*T I JUST DID TO ALL OF YOU THAT WAS ALL A TEST TO SEE IF ALL OF YOU WERE ASSERTIVE TURNS OUT YOU ALL WERE SO GOOD F*CKING JOB YOU'RE ALL BADASS BUT NOW I NEED HELP CAUSE PONYVILLE'S UNDER ATTACK BY CHANGELINGS AND THEY'RE SH*TTING NASTY ASS GREEN GOOP EVERYWHERE."
He took a breath. "DID THAT MAKE SENSE TO ALL OF YOU?"
"Dude! You're just confusing them more!" Rainbow Dash grabbed the mic. "Listen everypony! I know everything's weird right now, but Torgue was just testing us to see if we were assertive, turns out we were for rebelling, so don't worry, he's a good guy! But while we were gone, he found out that there were changelings in Ponyville, so now they're launching an attack since we were gone!"
Pinkie yanked the mic out of Rainbow's hoof "Hey I have an idea! Twilight, you should write a letter to Princess Celestia that there are changelings attacking us right now!"
"DO YOU SERIOUSLY F*CKING THINK THAT A GIANT WHITE FLYING UNICORN HORSE CAN BEAT AN ARMY OF MR. TORGUE'S ARMED WITH AN INFINITE AMOUNT OF EXPLOSIVES?"
"Hey, shouldn't we go down and talk to them rather than talking into a pipe?" Derpy asked.
"Hey, that actually seems like a better idea than just staying up here shouting at them. "
Derpy narrowed her eyes, "But you're shouting at a pipe, not them!"
"F*CK IT, WE'RE GOING DOWN THERE AND COMING UP WITH A GODDAMN PLAN! TO THE WHITE ROOM WHERE RETARDED IDEAS ARE MADE!"
Mr. Torgue got up and punched the wall next to him, causing it to slide back and reveal a secret door built into the wall that lead to a blue portal. He simply walked into it and disappeared without any dramatic effects or the usual cantankerous shouting. The others shrugged and simply followed behind, each vanishing one by one.
After assuring the citizens of Ponyville that Mr. Torgue was just acting and nothing changed aside from the changeling invasion, all of Ponyville plus Mr. Torgue found themselves brainstorming and debating about numerous ideas on how to deal with the changeling problem as soon as possible.
Unfortunately, Twilight disapproved just about every single one of Mr. Torgue's ideas. "Ugh, Mr. Torgue, ponies are benevolent beings. For the last time, we don't like bloodshed unless it's absolutely necessary and all your ideas involve brutally murdering all of the changelings with some super weapon."
An image of a nuclear explosion popped up in front of Mr. Torgue. "WELL I DON'T SEE HOW TURNING OFF THE DIGISTRUCT STATIONS AND NUKING PONYVILLE COUNTS AS 'BRUTAL MURDER'. IT'S ACTUALLY A PRETTY F*CKING QUICK DEATH."
Twilight sighed. "That's not the point, if anything get's so violent that it involves bodily fluids, I simply don't want to do it. There would be green blood everywhere if we set off a giant explosion."
"BUT I ALREADY KILLED LIKE HUNDREDS OF THEM BEFORE ALL THIS!"
"Then don't kill anymore, we aren't trying to drive the changelings towards extinction," Twilight said.
Rarity came over and nudged Twilight. "The majority of the town wants us to somehow get Princess Celestia over here and deliver the elements of harmony to deal with the problem. How in Equestria are we supposed to ensure that she arrives safely?"
Applejack followed behind Rarity. "Ah' reckon that we should just find a way to deal with em' buggers using what we already have, no need to risk her majesty gettin' hurt."
Twilight facehoofed. "The only one here who knows how to exploit all this technology is Mr. Torgue, and all he wants to do is kill all of them."
"WELL THAT'S JUST HOW I DID SH*T BACK IN MY WORLD."
Rainbow Dash noticed the discussion and flew in as well. "I agree with Mr. Torgue! We're wasting time here, and changelings are evil monsters that do nothing but bad stuff! Why the hay do we want them around?"
"You never know if they're causing problems for other evildoers out there. You can't just simply kill off evil Rainbow," Twilight retorted.
Pinkie suddenly fell from the roof and met the floor with her face. "Owie! Hey, can we get the dragon to scare them all away? Or Discord to just zap them all away?"
As if on cue, Discord's bright white flash signaled his appearance. "No, I can't just simply ZAP them away. I can only do random things that don't make any sense."
"Uhh, I'm not sure if this would work, but can't we just move all of them somewhere else by using digistructing?"
Everypony turned towards Fluttershy, who was standing meekly in the back of the group.
"REITERATE AND EXPLAIN."
"Maybe we could do something like kill all of them, then respawn them really far away, in some forest or something."
They all contemplated the idea for a moment before turning towards Mr. Torgue.
Twilight raised an eyebrow. "Well?"
"WHAT?"
"Can we do that? You get to kill them safely if that makes any sense."
"WELL WHERE DO YOU WANT TO MOVE THEM?"
Rainbow Dash raised a hoof. "I say we go for the Everfree forest, they ought to fight right in!"
Mr. Torgue brought up a screen and tapped it a few times. "DONE."
"Seriously? Just like that? "
"THIS BUILDING ISN'T SHAPED LIKE A D*CK FOR NOTHING! THERE'S A CANNON AT THE TOP POWERED BY MILK, SO I SHOT OUT A DIGISTRUCT STATION INTO THE EVERFREE FOREST NEARBY! PLUS LOADS OF MILK!"
Pinkie looked disgusted. "Dude. No. Just no."
"NOW TO NUKE PONYVILLE! TESTOSTERONE!" Mr. Torgue pushed a button on the screen as the room exploded.
The denizens of Ponyville soon found themselves reappearing in a perfectly normal Ponyville, plus some green goop and rust colored dust everywhere.
Rainbow put a hoof to her nose. "Jeez it smells bad out here! Gah, what the hay did you do Torgue?"
Mr. Torgue was flying around wearing a gas mask. "SIDE EFFECT OF BIGASS EXPLOSIONS. THEY TYPICALLY SMELL LIKE WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF SOMEONE SHAT ON A PILE OF ROTTEN CHEESE AND THEN FARTED ON IT."
Twilight was walking around in a protective bubble. "Well is there any way you can clean up all the damage?"
"I CAN'T THINK OF ANY, SO I'M GOING BACK HOME TO TAKE A NAP AND EAT A SANDWICH WHILE I'M SLEEPING!"
"Well hold on a darn minute here, you need to at least help us clean up this rotten mess!" shouted Applejack.
"F*CK THAT, I'M GOING TO BE A LAZY ASS MOTHERF*CKER AND PROCRASTINATE ALL DAY! AND BY THAT I MEAN SLEEP AND PLAY VIDEO GAMES. SEE YOU ALL LATER!"
He then took out his POCKET ROCKET and shot Iron Will before flying away towards his home.
Iron Will put a hand to his forehead. "Dude. You're an idiot. How do you even get away with this stuff... "
"I DIDN'T GET AWAY, I KILLED MYSELF."
After the events of the previous night, Mr. Torgue called over his two newfound friends to lounge in his room and hear the spectacular tales of his late night antics. Mr. Torgue's room was actually quite small, perfect for three people, and completely devoid of furniture, aside from a lone digistruct beacon in the corner. The entire room was composed of a white, cushion-like substance that could mend itself into any shape or form, suspiciously similar to the pegasi's clouds.
"I dunno about you, but now I wanna throw a party for all those super nice bat ponies! I've never really got to meet them before," noted Pinkie Pie.
"I KNOW RIGHT? THEY WERE JUST SO COOL! WHO WOULD'VE THOUGHT THAT THE COMBINATION OF PONY AND BAT WOULD CREATE SOMETHING THAT CAN STILL BE MOTHERF*CKING ADORABLE, YET SO MENACING AT THE SAME TIME!" Mr. Torgue chugged down the entirety of a nearby cider bottle and threw it against a wall, shattering the bottle into multiple blue pixels. "ANYWAYS, NOW I'M JUST WAITING ON THE BAT PONIES TO F*CK UP THE PRINCESS'S BATHROOM. UNTIL THEN, I'M GOING TO FIND SOMETHING ELSE WE CAN DO."
Iron Will chuckled as he grabbed another bottle of cider from the digistruct beacon. "Just don't say anything like that to their face unless you want your throat ripped out. "
Mr. Torgue raised his eyebrows. "THEY BITE YOU IN THE THROAT AND NOT IN THE NECK? I APPROVE! YOU KNOW, MY WORLD USUALLY PORTRAYS VAMPIRES AND OR BAT THINGIES AS INCREDIBLY MOODY BITCHES THAT SOMEHOW GET ALL THE LADIES. THAT DOESN'T MAKE ANY F*CKING SENSE AT ALL TO ME! WHAT KIND OF INTELLIGENT FEMALE ORGANISM GETS INFATUATED BY SOME OLD ASS BROODY DUDE THAT GOES AFTER BARELY ADULT GIRLS? THAT'S JUST F*CKING CREEPY. WHY THE HELL ARE THE PONIES HERE LIKE, INFINITELY MORE MANLY THAN MOST WUSSES BACK HOME? I OUGHTA GO BACK AND BEAT THE HELL OUTTA EVERYONE BACK INTO SHAPE!"
Iron Will shrugged as he popped his bottle's cap. "If you say so ."
"You know Mr. Torgue, you always talk about your home and what's in it, but you never tell anypony about your friends! I wanna hear about them! Maybe I could even bring them over here for you!" Pinkie exclaimed.
Iron Will slightly choked on his cider. "Oh Celestia I do NOT want to know what your friends are like if they're anything like you. "
Mr. Torgue scratched his chin, trying to think of anyone that he actually considered a friend. Since he spent most of his time in isolation, Mr. Torgue didn't really interact with anyone else in a manner that he would call a legitimate friendship. His social interactions usually involved shouting at people through a microphone. With no one coming to mind, he decided to just talk about people that he liked.
"WELL, THERE WERE THESE SIX VAULT HUNTERS THAT I THINK ARE PRETTY BADASS. THEY BASICALLY WENT AROUND DESTROYING AND LOOTING SH*T UNTIL THEY KILLED THE CEO OF ONE OF MY MAIN COMPETITORS IN THE WEAPONS MANUFACTURER CIRCLES. SOMEHOW THAT DIDN'T IMPROVE MY SALES AT ALL THOUGH, WHICH GREATLY CONFUSES ME!"
"So what did you all do together?" chirped Pinkie.
"IT WASN'T REALLY A–*BUUURRP*–QUESTION OF WHAT DID WE ALL DO TOGETHER, BUT MORE LIKE WHAT DID THEY ALL DO TOGETHER WHILE I DEMANDED THEY DO SH*T AS I PROVIDE LIVE COMMENTARY."
"So what did they all do together?" chirped Pinkie in the exact same tone.
Mr. Torgue materialized another bottle of cider and popped the cap. "WELL, THE SHORT ANSWER IS THAT THEY MURDERED LOTS OF THINGS AND LOOTED LOTS OF GUNS IN THE NAME OF... I CAN'T REMEMBER, SOMETHING ABOUT PROTECTING A SANCTUARY OR SOME SH*T, I DON'T F*CKING KNOW. I ONLY CROSSED PATHS WITH THEM BECAUSE AS THEIR TITLE IMPLIES, THEY HUNTED DOWN VAULTS AND I HOSTED A TOURNAMENT ABOVE A VAULT, WHICH COULD ONLY BE OPENED ONCE THE CHAMPION OF PANDORA SPILLS THE BLOOD OF THE ULTIMATE COWARD."
Iron will held up a hand. "Woah woah woah, take a step back there. What the hay is a vault, and who are these vault hunters? "
"BELIEVE IT OR NOT, I HAVE NO F*CKING IDEA ACTUALLY. ALL I KNOW IS THAT THE VAULTS CONTAIN COOL ASS SH*T INSIDE CAUSE THEY'RE VAULTS. NO ONE KNOWS ANYTHING ABOUT HOW THEY ALL GOT THERE, BUT PEOPLE STILL HUNTED THEM DOWN BECAUSE THE PROSPECT OF OBTAINING GOD KNOWS WHAT IS F*CKING AWESOME. YOU CAN PROBABLY MAKE AN EDUCATED GUESS AS TO WHAT A VAULT HUNTER IS."
"Waaaaaaait a minute. That sounds suspiciously similar to the plot of Borderlands 2 ... Well, that actually makes a lot of sense," Pinkie noted.
"Well that IS his game, or–wait... it stars him, it's not his... Hold on. Who exactly made Borderlands? "
"WAIT IT'S NOT CALLED BURGERLANDS?"
Pinkie pulled a copy of the game out of her mane. "Says here it was made by Gearbox Software."
Iron will raised an eyebrow. "Who's Gearbox Software?"
"No silly, that's the name of the development team, not a pony," Pinkie giggled.
Mr. Torgue finished his bottle and once again chucked it against the wall. "WELL THEN GIVE US SOME INFORMATION ABOUT GEARBOX SOFTWARE. WHO ARE THEY? WHY DID THEY MAKE BORDERLANDS? HOW DO THEY KNOW ABOUT ME? CAUSE I SURE AS HELL HAVE NEVER HEARD ABOUT THEM."
Pinkie scrunched her face in thought. "I'm not actually super sure about that. They might just be a product of the cross dimensional bleeding that comes as a result of my universe traversing, but I don't know the super duper complicated science behind it. I'm sure Mr. Torgue could explain for us though."
Mr. Torgue stared at the pony. "PINKIE WHAT THE F*CK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT RIGHT NOW."
"Or not." Pinkie shrugged.
Iron WIll looked flabbergasted. "Woah woah woah what? Say all that again Pinkie. "
"I'm not actually super sure about that. They might just be a product of the cross dimensional bleeding that comes as a result of my universe traversing, but I don't know the super duper complicated science behind it. I'm sure Mr. Torgue could explain for us though," Pinkie quickly recited.
"...Still have no idea what you mean by that. Am I too drunk for this? " Iron WIll looked around at the scattered, empty bottles around him. "Eh, not too bad. "
"IF I HAD TO GUESS IT HAS SOMETHING TO DO WITH WHY I EXIST IN THIS WORLD-DIMENSION-PLANE OF EXISTENCE WHATEVER THE F*CK YOU WANNA CALL IT. MAGIC UNICORNS AND SH*T."
"Well duh, but to my understanding, whenever I go to different worlds weird stuff like this can happen where things just kind of exist for no reason," said Pinkie.
Mr. Torgue suddenly snapped his fingers. "WAIT A F*CKING MINUTE. REMEMBER THAT TIME THINGY I MADE A WHILE BACK TO BULLSH*T MY WAY TO SUCCESS YESTERDAY? WELL, TECHNICALLY THREE DAYS AGO FOR ME BUT ANYWAYS, I WANNA SEE THE READINGS ON THAT THING IF I PUT IT NEXT TO PINKIE."
"Okie dokie lokie!" Pinkie grinned. "I was never able to get an explanation from Twilight even though she's a real smart cookie, but that might be because she never believes me about smart pony things."
Mr. Torgue got up and punched a nearby wall, causing a floating screen to project from it. He tapped it a few times before a giant stopwatch spectacularly erupted from the digistruct beacon, landing on the floor with a loud thud. The device shined brilliantly, its surface almost too ethereal to exist.
"Woah. " Iron Will's eyes widened as he gazed into glass, the watch's seemingly limitless hands pointing into infinity. "What in Equestria am I looking at right now? "
"THE FOURTH DIMENSION BITCH. OR FIFTH...? F*CK IT, HOWEVER MANY DIMENSIONS IT TAKES TO BE ABLE TO TAKE A STEP AND SHATTER TIME. ALSO, DON'T STARE AT THE HANDS FOR TOO LONG CAUSE TRUST ME, IT WILL NEVER MAKE SENSE HOW THEY'RE POINTING PAST THE FLOOR AND ROOF AND THROUGH ALL OF US... HOLY F*CK ONE OF THEM IS GOING INTO SPACE!"
Pinkie simply raised her brow in confusion. "Dunno what you guys are seeing. Just looks like a big pretty clock to me."
"HOW THE F*CK DOES THAT LOOK LIKE A CLOCK TO YOU???" Mr. Torgue vehemently pointed a finger at the contraption. "THERE'S NOT EVEN ANY DIALS ON THE DAMN THING! IT'S NOT A CLOCK IT'S A STOPWATCH YOU CRAZY PINK HORSE. YOU CAN SEE IT MEASURE THE BEGINNING OF EVERY POSSIBLE SECOND IN THE THIRD DIMENSION WITH EACH HAND MEASURING A DIFFERENT SECOND OF OUR CURRENT TIMELINE."
"Okay okay! Geez louise, Mister 'I like to shout scientific stuff at the top of my lungs'. I'm just saying that it looks like a normal time thingy to me."
"WHAT?!?!" Mr. Torgue grabbed Pinkie's head and shoved it incredibly close to the stopwatch, somehow stretching her neck with cartoony zaniness. "WHAT DOES THIS LOOK LIKE TO YOU?"
Pinkie's eyes stretched out and hit the glass surface. "Looks like a clock with a ton of pointy things telling the time in a bunch of different places!"
Mr. Torgue turned towards the minotaur. "HOLY SH*T IRON WILL, I THINK WE'VE JUST DISCOVERED THE SECRET TO PINKIE'S INANE JESUS POWERS! SHE'S CLEARLY ON PSYCHEDELICS."
"... How did you come to that conclusion? " Iron Will asked as he casually chugged more cider.
"No silly! I just don't exist in the third dimension like everypony else!" Pinkie giggled. "You're such a goofy butt Mr. Torgue! You're also stuck perceiving the world as a conglomeration of two dimensional planes!"
"WHAT?!?!" Mr. Torgue turned Pinkie to face him, pointing a finger at her snout. "HOW DARE YOU INSULT MY PROUD EXISTENCE AS A THREE DIMENSIONAL BEING! I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW THAT PERCEIVING THE WORLD IN THREE DIMENSIONS MAKES SCIENCE SH*T A WHOLE LOT EASIER, AND IS WHY I'M SEEN AS A GENIUS INSTEAD OF AS COMIC RELIEF."
Iron Will snorted under his breath at the last statement.
"Meh. Three dimensions is lame. It's just having less of everything if you ask me," Pinkie replied.
"WELL F*CK IT, REGARDLESS OF PINKIE'S OPINION ON THE THIRD DIMENSION, I BROUGHT THIS THING OUT FOR ONE REASON AND ONE REASON ONLY, SO LET'S SEE WHAT HAPPENS WHEN WE PLACE AN ADORABLE PINK PONY ON TOP OF IT."
"Yay, I'm adorable!" Pinkie squeaked as Mr. Torgue placed her on the stopwatch.
Mr. Torgue pushed more buttons on the same floating screen by the wall, watching in interest as a number of bars, text, and labels flooded the screen. All of them seemed to be fluctuating normally, almost as if Pinkie wasn't even standing on the device.
"HOW THE F*CK–" He glanced over to make sure Pinkie was still standing there. "PINKIE, I'M PRETTY SURE THAT YOU DON'T ACTUALLY EXIST ACCORDING TO MY CALCULATIONS."
Pinkie began to rapidly pat herself. "Hmm... Pretty sure I'm real as real can be!"
"Don't know why you think anything is going to come out of doing science with Pinkie. " Iron Will lazily took another swig from his cider bottle. "Iron Will is not even surprised about this at all. "
"WELL THE POINT OF SCIENCE IS TO MAKE SOMETHING COME OUT OF THIS. YOU CAN MAKE JUST AS MANY INFERENCES ABOUT SOMETHING YOU LACK KNOWLEDGE OF AS SOMETHING THAT YOU POSSESS KNOWLEDGE OF!" Mr. Torgue mashed more buttons on the screen. "ALRIGHT, THE FIRST STEP TO FIGURING THIS SH*T OUT: PINKIE, TAKE ONE STEP BACK."
"Define one step back."
Mr. Torgue glared at Pinkie. "OH FOR F*CK'S SAKE, A STEP BACK IN THE THIRD DIMENSION THAT I CAN PERCEIVE."
"Aaand done," Pinkie complied.
"F*CK. OKAY, TAKE TWO STEPS FOWARD."
"Done, and done!"
Mr. Torgue pressed his head to the screen, causing his forehead to merge past it. "WHAT THE HELL IS THIS SH*T??? GO PRANCE AROUND THE WHOLE THING THEN."
"Kind of a tight space to prance around in," Pinkie pointed out.
Iron Will made a twirly motion with his finger. "I think he just needs you to move around on it a lot. "
"YEAH DO WHAT HE SAID."
"Alrighty then!" Pinkie started to move about in place, cheerfully humming before coming to an abrupt stop. "Anything yet?"
"NOPE!" Mr. Torgue rapidly typed something onto the screen before minimizing it. "F*CK IT, I GUESS MY TIME MACHINE CAN'T READ TRANSDIMENSIONAL BEINGS THEN, OH WELL."
"Awwww..." Pinkie drooped her ears as she lowered her head. She then suddenly burst upright again. "Whelp, what science-y thing should we do next?"
"I'M NOT EXACTLY SURE, SINCE I HAVE NO BASIS OF WHICH TO ANALYZE DIMENSIONS PAST MY OWN, I HAVE NO IDEA HOW TO APPROACH THIS INCREDIBLY COMPLEX PROBLEM."
"Wanna see what everypony in town is doing right now then?" Pinkie suggested.
"Uuugh, pretty sure we're all wayyy too messed up right now to even get up and start walking around in public, " Iron Will groaned.
"WELL I NEED TO BE DOING SOMETHING THAT ISN'T THE TASK I'M CURRENTLY WORKING ON IN ORDER TO STIMULATE MY CREATIVE BRAIN JUICES BECAUSE TRYING TO PUT A TIMER ON BEING CREATIVE OR OTHERWISE ANY FORM OF FORCED CREATIVITY IS JUST ASKING FOR A SH*TTY RESULT, SO LET'S GO F*CK AROUND IN PONYVILLE!"
Iron Will flopped onto the ground "I really don't wanna get up. "
"HEY!" Mr. Torgue grabbed Iron Will and pulled him upright. "WE'RE NOT GOING TO BE WALKING TO TOWN BECAUSE THAT WOULD TAKE LIKE THIRTY MINUTES GIVEN THE SIZE OF MY SKYSCRAPER-HOUSE, SO LET'S JUST BLOW OURSELVES UP AND SPAWN IN, SINCE THAT WOULD ALSO SPAWN IN NOT DRUNK VERSIONS OF US. F*CK CONVENTIONAL NORMS THAT STATE ONE SHOULD AVOID DRINKING IN THE MORNING, THAT TYPE OF THINKING IS FOR WUSSES."
"Oh yeah, right. Keep forgetting about that. "
"Sounds good to me!" Pinkie walked off the stopwatch as she franticly gazed about the room. "Now to just find a bazooka..."
"I DON'T JUST KEEP EXPLOSIVES LYING AROUND IN MY ROOM! WHAT DO YOU THINK I AM, CRAZY?!" Mr. Torgue brought up the wall screen again. "LEMME JUST SPAWN IN SOME BOOM-BOOM KABLOOEY STUFF AND WE'LL BE GOOD TO... WAIT WHAT THE F*CK. HOLD ON. PINKIE, GO BACK TO THE TIME MACHINE AND THEN BACK TO WHERE YOU ARE NOW."
"Huh? What's new all of a sudden? " Iron Will asked.
"I LEFT THE TIME MACHINE WINDOW OPEN SO WHEN I BROUGHT MY COMPUTER BACK UP I SAW COMPLETELY DIFFERENT READINGS THAT ACKNOWLEDGES PINKIE'S MASS AND THAT SHE TAKES UP SPACE."
"Hooray! The computer thinks I'm real now!" Pinkie exclaimed.
"WELL BEFORE IT DIDN'T, SO GO BACK TO WHERE YOU WERE BEFORE SO I CAN SEE WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING HERE."
"Can do!" Pinkie briskly paced back and forth between the stopwatch and her corner of the room, loudly humming all the way.
Mr. Torgue continued to intently glare at the floating screen. "HOW THE F*CK DOES THE MACHINE PICK HER UP WHEN SHE STANDS IN SEEMINGLY RANDOM POINTS THROUGHOUT THE ROOM? THIS DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE TO ME!!!"
Pinkie paused her pacing. "Well that's probably because I'm technically not where you see me cause I'm not a 3D pony."
"WAIT WHAT. THEN WHERE ARE YOU ACTUALLY STANDING RIGHT NOW?"
"There, there, there, there, down there, up here, and there! Though, that probably doesn't make any sense to you since there's no way you'd understand how I'm in all those places but you see me here. Also, I guess I'm technically not actually standing too, it's more like slithering while floating and sliding at the same time!" Pinkie tapped her chin in thought. "That still doesn't really sound right. There needs to be more words that accurately describe how this works."
"I DOUBT THAT THE DUDES WHO MAKE WORDS WOULD KNOW HOW TO PUT THIS IN WORDS SINCE THAT SH*T DOESN'T EXIST YET."
"So you're basically telling us you're floating in the air as a bunch of different pieces? Sounds normal for you I guess. " Iron Will chuckled.
"Eh, kinda a crude way of looking at it, but I guess so." Pinkie began moving a hoof back and forth, the front of it disappearing and reappearing in another corner of the room. "But it's not really a bunch of pieces of me cause they're all still connected, so I'd say those are extensions of me that just makes me everywhere as a whole."
"HOLD ON, LET ME TRY SOMETHING." Mr Torgue walked around the room while staring at Pinkie, raising and lowering his head in various different angles in a quizzical manner. "HOLY SH*T. PINKIE, STAY RIGHT THERE. IRON WILL, GET OVER HERE, YOU GOTTA CHECK THIS OUT!"
Iron Will slowly got up and stumbled over to where Mr. Torgue was standing. "What am I looking for here? "
"OKAY, LOWER YOUR HEAD JUST A LITTLE BIT... OKAY GOOD. NOW, MOVE IT SLIGHTLY TO THE RIGHT AND THEN BACK, KEEP LOOKING STRAIGHT AHEAD."
"Okay... " Iron Will squinted as he focused in order to maintain his balance. "So what exactly is–OH MY CELESTIA. " The minotaur continued to repeat this motion as he continued to look forward. "That is awesome! "
"What do you guys see over there?" Pinkie asked.
"WHEN WE PUT OUR HEADS AT THIS EXACT POSITION, AND THEN MOVE IT BACK AND FORTH, YOU START TO DISAPPEAR AND REAPPEAR! IT'S REALLY F*CKING BIZARRE."
"Woooaaah, " Iron Will blankly moaned as he moved his head back and forth.
"Neat-o! Well, for you guys I think. Seems pretty normal to me."
Mr. Torgue shoved Iron Will out of the way so he could get a look. "PINKIE, JUST LET US REVEL IN OUR THREE-DIMENSIONAL OBLIVIOUSNESS, JESUS CHRIST."
"Oh! Oh! I bet this would look like I'm walking through a portal!" Pinkie began rapidly taking steps back and forth, her front half seemingly walking in and out of a nearby wall, each time making a different facial expression.
"I'D SAY IT JUST LOOKS LIKE YOU'RE A SPOOKY GHOST PONY, WALKING THROUGH WALLS AND SH*T."
Pinkie fully walked through the wall, pulling her tail out with a twang. "I did go and do that one time for Nightmare Night but I ended up scaring everypony so bad that they almost canceled the night, so now I try and tone back the jumping... moving...?" Pinkie paused in thought. "Gosh, there needs to be a term for this, cause everypony just keeps calling it 'pinkie being pinkie', but I can't use that term because I am Pinkie! Oh! Oh! I know! It's just me being me!"
"DAMN RIGHT IT'S YOU BEING YOU, BADASS! I APPROVE OF THIS INCREDIBLY CONCISE AND USEFUL TERMINOLOGY THAT I WILL NOW UTILIZE IN THE FUTURE INSTEAD OF MAKING CRAZY PINK PONY DRUG JOKES."
Iron Will fell over again with a loud thud, struggling to stand back up. "Hey are we still going to town? "
"NOT YET." Mr. Torgue went back to the floating screen. "WITH THIS NEW REVELATION, I NEED TO LOOK AT THESE READINGS AND MAKE AN EDUCATED ASSUMPTION AS TO HOW THE F*CK THIS WHOLE SCENARIO WORKS."
"Kay then. Don't mind me. " Iron Will promptly passed out onto the floor.
Mr. Torgue stared at the prone minotaur. "JESUS F*CKING CHEESE-ITS HOW MANY CIDERS DID THAT DUDE SMASH?! WHAT A CHAMP."
Pinkie shrugged. "I dunno, I stopped keeping track after like a dozen or so, and that was a while ago."
"WHAT THE F*CK IRON WILL, I WAS NOT PAYING ATTENTION TO THIS. IS THIS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU KNOW THERE'S NO–*BEEELCH*–REPERCUSSIONS TO YOUR IRRESPONSIBLE DRINKING??" Mr. Torgue grabbed a nearby bottle and topped it off. "TONE IT DOWN YOU BELLIGERENT DRUNK."
Pinkie raised an eyebrow. "Why does he need to tone it down when he doesn't need to care? Just have fun with it! He can't die!"
"BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO SEE IRON WILL DEVELOP CRIPPLING ALCOHOLISM. THAT'S HOW YOU STOP BEING PRODUCTIVE, AND BEING PRODUCTIVE IS BADASS, UNLESS YOU'RE NOT TRYING TO BE PRODUCTIVE IN WHICH CASE THAT'S COOL BUT JUST ACKNOWLEDGE THAT YOU'RE NOT DOING JACK SH*T."
"You can still be productive while you're drunk, you'll just be a bit more inefficient," Pinkie replied.
Mr. Torgue reached down and pulled Iron Will up by the horns. "DOES THIS LOOK PRODUCTIVE AT ALL TO YOU???"
A glob of drool slowly oozed its way out of the inebriated minotaur's mouth.
"HOLY F*CK HE IS GONE." He quickly tossed Iron Will's body aside, a line of drool flowing through the air.
"Yeah but Iron Will is BLACKOUT DRUNK. I was thinking more like drunk enough to still do labor thingies that don't require being smarty-smart," Pinkie said.
"BUT IF YOU'RE MOVING AROUND THEN YOU'LL PUKE EVERYWHERE AND THAT SH*T'S NASTY. I'M PRETTY GODDAMN SURE THAT YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY F*CKING USELESS WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK," Mr. Torgue countered.
"But aren't we both super duper drunk right now while doing drunk science?"
"PROBABLY," Mr. Torgue shouted as he chugged another bottle. "BUT F*CK YOU I'M SPECIAL. WAIT A SECOND, YOU'RE NOT DRUNK AT ALL WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?"
Pinkie grinned mischievously. "You don't know that..."
A single cider bottle suddenly fell out of Pinkie's mane, rattling and rolling across the floor. The two of them blankly stared at the bottle as it made its journey towards Iron Will's collapsed form, stopping with a clink.
Pinkie's eyes slowly made their way towards Mr. Torgue with the same blank expression. "There's definitely more, and I probably need more space."
A loud rattling noise came from her mane before dozens of bottles started pouring out, littering the entire floor with empty cider bottles as they noisily clattered about.
The two of them stared at the pile of bottles for brief moment.
"WHAT THE F*CK."
Pinkie shuddered, withholding her blank expression. "I need sooooo much booze in order to get drunk that it's basically impossible for me to get wasted at parties."
"HOLY SH*T PINKIE YOU'RE FADING AWAY AND SPAZZING THE F*CK OUT RIGHT NOW."
"Maybe it's for the better that I don't get drunk very much," Pinkie giggled.
Mr. Torgue brought up the floating screen once more. "THIS IS F*CKING CRAZY! YOU'RE SUCH AN ANOMALY IN SPACE-TIME THAT YOU'RE EITHER PHASING IN AND OUT OF REALITY OR YOU'RE TRAVELING BETWEEN DIMENSIONS AT AN UNFATHOMABLE SPEED!"
"Hooray..?" Pinkie half exclaimed.
Mr. Torgue suddenly snapped his head towards the pink pony. "WAIT. EPIPHANY. REMEMBER WHEN WE WERE TALKING ABOUT HOW STUFF JUST KINDA EXISTS WHENEVER YOU DO YOUR CROSS-DIMENSIONAL BLEEDING BULLSH*T?"
"Yeah! But you didn't know what the f*ck I was talking about," Pinkie bleeped.
"HOW THE F*CK DID YOU JUST... NEVER MIND F*CK IT. YOU REMEMBER HOW YOU SAID THAT YOU EXIST IN ALL SORTS OF PLACES IN OUR SPACE? WELL, I WAS JUST THINKING, MAYBE YOU EXIST IN MORE PLANES THAN THE DIFFERENT UNIVERSES THEMSELVES ARE MADE OF, THUS, ALLOWING YOU TO TRAVEL ACROSS WHATEVER EXCESS DIMENSIONS THAT DO EXIST SO THAT YOU CAN REACH REALMS OF EXISTENCE BEYOND OUR CURRENT DIMENSIONS. WHEN THAT HAPPENS, YOU BRING WITH YOU CERTAIN ELEMENTS OF THE UNIVERSE YOU WERE IN BEFORE WITHOUT REALIZING IT SINCE YOU ENCOMPASS SO MUCH SPACE, CAUSING THAT CROSS-DIMENSIONAL BLEEDING EFFECT THINGY YOU WERE TALKING ABOUT. THEREFORE, IN ORDER FOR YOU TO EXIST IN A DIFFERENT UNIVERSE, THAT UNIVERSE MUST ACQUIESCE YOUR INTRUDING SPACE TO EXIST WITHIN ITS TIMELINE, CAUSING THE FABRICS OF SPACE TO BE WARPED IN ORDER TO MAINTAIN ITS NATURAL PROGRESSION OF SPACE-TIME. DOES THAT MAKE ANY SENSE OR AM I JUST TALKING OUT OF MY ASS?"
Pinkie stared at the wall behind Mr. Torgue. "I wasn't listening to any of that."
Mr. Torgue slammed his fist into the floor. "GODF*CKING DAMNIT PINKIE BE MORE RESPECTFUL TO OTHERS DURING A CONVERSATION."
"But I'm drunk," Pinkie retorted.
"YOU RAISE AN EXCELLENT POINT. REGARDLESS, IF MY THEORY IS CORRECT, THEN WE SHOULD SEE A MULTITUDE OF ELEMENTS FROM MY OWN WORLD EXIST FOR SOME REASON IN THIS WORLD, AS WELL AS ANY OTHER WORLDS THAT HAVE BEEN CONNECTED BY YOU FROM OTHER WORLDS THAT ARE CONNECTED TO MY OWN WORLD!"
"Yippee-dee diddly..." Pinkie goofily grinned.
Mr. Torgue's readings of his time machine suddenly crashed, an error message popping up on the screen.
"WHAT THE HELL JUST HAPPENED?! HOLY BALLS DID YOU JUST BREAK MY TIME MACHINE OR MY COMPUTER?" Mr. Torgue frantically begin typing on the screen before minimizing it into the wall. "I THINK MY COMPUTER STRAIGHT UP CAN'T EVEN HANDLE YOU RIGHT NOW."
"...Did I mention that I've been constantly drinking while we've been in this room?"
Even more cider bottles began flooding into the room, not just from Pinkie's mane, but from every corner as well.
"OK YOU KNOW WHAT THIS IS KINDA SCARING THE SH*T OUTTA ME, HOW ABOUT YOU GO KILL YOURSELF AND RESPAWN SO THAT YOU'RE NOT DRUNKENLY ALTERING THE FABRICS OF REALITY.
Pinkie mumbled something as she grabbed Mr. Torgue's POCKET ROCKET and shot herself, the round flying past her face and into the wall, leaving behind a large crater.
"How do I dieeee," Pinkie slurred.
"OH F*CK HOW DO YOU DIE??? THIS IS BAD NEWS BEARS WHAT THE F*CK DO WE DO?!"
"Wheeeeee," Pinkie's apparition mumbled as she rapidly began appearing and reappearing in random places.
"WAIT A SECOND, YOU'RE NOT EVEN IN MY DATABANKS! DON'T KILL YOURSELF I REPEAT, DO NOT COMMIT SUDOKO-SEPPUKU." Mr. Torgue frantically scoured through his databanks, words flying by on his screen. "HOW THE HELL DID YOU EVEN SHOW UP IN THAT FAKE PONYVILLE I MADE FOR THE BADASS SHOW? THIS DOESN'T MAKE ANY GODDAMN SENSE!"
"I'm not sure if I've ever died and did the respawn before," Pinkie replied, twitching sporadically.
Mr. Torgue scrunched his brow. "I SWEAR TO GOD I'VE BLOWN YOU UP BEFORE. DO EXPLOSIONS JUST TICKLE YOU OR SOMETHING?"
"I dunno probably."
Mr. Torgue threw his hands up in the air. "F*CK IT, I DON'T KNOW HOW YOUR EXISTENCE WORKS JUST TRY NOT BREAK ANYTHING OR ACCIDENTALLY RIP A HOLE IN SPACE OR SOMETHING."
"Okay." Pinkie promptly collapsed onto the ceiling, a bubble inflating and deflating out of her nose as she began to snore loudly.
"SH*T PINKIE SERIOUSLY?"
Mr. Torgue looked around his cider covered room in amusement, eyeing his two heavily intoxicated friends as they drooled and snored their way through dreamland.
WHELP, GUESS I'M DONE HERE THEN. F*CK I'M BORED. Mr. Torgue thought to himself.
He deftly drew his POCKET ROCKET and blasted himself in the face before dissipating into blue squares.
Mr. Torgue found himself materializing outside Vinyl & Octavia's house, the door still blocked by the digistruct station. To the right of the station Mr. Torgue noticed one of the windows of the house replaced with a sliding glass door. Behind the door there was a dark room, filled with neon lights along with a number of ponies lounging about, including Vinyl, who was tampering with a subwoofer by the wall. The room was outfitted with a few couches, pillows, and blankets strewn about, along with a desk in the corner that had all sorts of wires and lights sticking out of it.
Mr. Torgue glared at the sliding glass door before waltzing up to it, tapping its surface aggressively.
"HEY! WHY THE F*CK DO YOU HAVE A GLASS DOOR IN THE FRONT? THAT'S DANGEROUS AS F*CK. WHAT IF SOME JACKASS DECIDES HE OR SHE WANTS TO BREAK INTO YOUR HOUSE AND STEAL ALL YOUR DOPE LOOKING SH*T THAT'S IN PLAIN SIGHT?"
The ponies inside whipped their heads towards the glass door, surprised to see the hulking behemoth pounding at the glass. Fortunately, the glass was incredibly sturdy as well as soundproof. Unfortunately, this meant that the ponies inside had no idea what Mr. Torgue was saying.
Vinyl looked around at the ponies around her. "Did somepony lock the door? It should be open."
As if on cue, the door slid open right there and then.
"AND THE DOOR IS UNLOCKED ARE YOU SH*TTING ME?! THIS IS THE MOST INSECURE, UNSAFE ESTABLISHMENT THAT I'VE SEEN IN A WHILE. I DON'T GIVE A F*CK THAT I'M BEING RUDE AS F*CK FOR INTRUDING UPON THIS HOUSE BECAUSE YOU ALL MIGHT AS WELL BE INVITING ME IN AT THIS POINT."
"Hey watup Mr. Torgue! I sure as hay am inviting you in cuz this house is down to clown 24/7! Except for right now though, we're just chilling since there's nothing to do right now," Vinyl replied.
Mr. Torgue's eye twitched. "NOTHING TO DO??? THOSE ARE WORDS THAT I NEVER EVER WANT TO HEAR FROM ANYBODY EVER! THERE'S ALWAYS SH*T TO DO NO MATTER WHO YOU ARE! YOU COULD ALL BE READING A BOOK, OR PLAYING SPORTS, OR WATCHING TV, OR DOING MATH... JESUS THE POSSIBILITIES ARE ENDLESS. THERE IS LITERALLY AN INCONCEIVABLE AMOUNT OF CONTENT OUT THERE FOR YOU ALL TO CONSUME THAT WOULD BE F*CKING IMPOSSIBLE TO DO ALL OF IN A LIFESPAN AND HERE YOU ALL ARE CHOOSING TO DO NONE OF IT???"
"Yeah, but constantly doing stuff is kinda exhausting after a while. Kinda undermines the value of the stuff you do if you don't sit back and take in what you just did," Vinyl shrugged.
"DEFINITELY TRUE AS F*CK. NONETHELESS, YOU ALL LOOK BORED AS SH*T. SO HOW ABOUT WE GO DO SOMETHING INSTEAD OF BECOMING ONE WITH THE COUCH AND FLOOR."
A pink, blonde maned mare rolled over on the floor. "But there's not really anything to do anymore! Ever since you came around we don't really have to work at all and we just have so much time on our hooves now that we don't really know what to do with it. I used to be a cherry farmer, but now all I have to do is grow one good cherry, and your machines can turn it into thousands in seconds, all of them perfectly ripe and delicious."
"Even us pegasi have nothing to do once we found out we can just move the clouds down here to make them more efficiently. The only ponies still doing stuff are pretty much just the unicorns, and even then they don't even have that much to do," a white, cyan maned mare added.
"I've still been doing pretty much the same thing, just chilling and mixing up new sets," Vinyl added. "A lot of ponies show up here though because you put that beacon thing in front of my house, and since they have nothing to do they just kinda end up hanging out here."
She got up and trotted towards her desk in the corner with all of her music equipment. "I usually always leave my room open for ponies to just come and hang out, but ever since you came around and plopped those digi-whatevers all over the place, man, my traffic has been getting crazy! I'd imagine that there's tons of ponies who also just see the glass door and hear the music playing and just decide to walk in when they see everypony inside. My housemate thinks you're a total flankface for just plopping down a beacon right in front of our door, but honestly, it made me install this glass door which is super nice and inviting, plus it's hecka convenient to just be able to walk to my front door if I ever need anything. If you ask me, the benefits are wayyy outweighing the cons."
"WELL THANK GOD I DID THAT CAUSE I WAS BORED AS SH*T SO I SPAWNED MYSELF TO A RANDOM BEACON AND ENDED UP WITH THIS ONE. IT'S SUPER COOL HOW THIS PLACE EXISTS AS A CENTRAL HANGOUT PLACE FOR ALL YOU COLORFUL EQUINES."
"Right??? Stuff like this is why I don't dig city life, it's really hard to just hangout with random ponies and actually get to know them, y'know? Ponyville's just such a chill place to be, though I can totally get why some ponies don't dig the peace and quiet, it can get a little boring. Different strokes for different folks and all that jazz," said Vinyl.
"Speaking of boring, why are you criticizing us for doing nothing when you just said you were bored?" asked the pink mare from before.
Mr. Torgue swiftly raised a finger. "ALLOW ME TO PONTIFICATE. BEING BORED AND SAYING YOU HAVE NOTHING TO DO ARE DIFFERENT THINGS WITH DIFFERENT MEANINGS. WHILE THE TWO OF THEM CAN BE CLOSELY RELATED OR BE A CAUSATION OF THE OTHER, THAT DOESN'T NECESSARILY MEAN THAT THEY ARE THE SAME THING. FOR INSTANCE, IF I STARTED BLOWING UP A MOUNTAIN BUT THEN GET BORED OF DOING SO, THAT DOESN'T MEAN I HAVE NOTHING TO DO IT JUST MEANS THAT I AM NO LONGER ENTHUSIASTIC OR MOTIVATED TO BLOW UP THAT MOUNTAIN. WITH THAT SAID, I HAVE JUST RECENTLY BEEN BORED FOR ABOUT FIVE MINUTES BECAUSE PINKIE PIE AND IRON WILL ARE BLACKOUT DRUNK IN MY ROOM. BECAUSE I WAS BORED, I DECIDED TO WANDER INTO TO TOWN AND SOMEHOW ENDED UP HERE, AND I AM NOW NO LONGER BORED. DOES THAT MAKE SENSE TO YOU ALL???"
"Yeah actually, it does," Vinyl giggled. "Man, you got a way with words, you know that? Don't think I've ever met somepony who could make me laugh and think so much at the same time."
"I APPRECIATE YOUR COMPLIMENTS."
"And I appreciate you being here. Always nice to have you around Torgue, even if that sentiment isn't shared by everypony, but this place is a welcoming lounge for everypony," replied Vinyl.
"WELL OF COURSE I'M NOT APPRECIATED BY EVERYBODY BECAUSE EVERYBODY IS ENTITLED TO THEIR OWN F*CKING OPINIONS. I WOULD BE VERY CONCERNED IF I WAS WELCOME WITH OPEN ARMS EVERYWHERE I WENT," Mr. Torgue replied, flailing his arms open.
"Same," Vinyl laughed. "So, whaddya wanna do?"
"WELL THE WAY I SEE IT, YOU PONIES DON'T NEED TO FARM CHERRIES OR WHATEVER THE F*CK TO NOT BE BORED, THERE'S TONS OF THINGS WE COULD GO DO RIGHT NOW! I ALWAYS HAVE A MENTAL LIST OF THINGS I COULD DO BECAUSE I HATE HAVING NOTHING TO DO, WASTING TIME IS INEFFICIENT AS F*CK. WE COULD START A PARTY, WE COULD GO BUNGEE JUMPING, PLAY SOME GAMES, THE POSSIBILITIES ARE ENDLESS."
"If it were up to me I'd be totally down to start a party right now, but I gotta catch a train towards Canterlot in like two hours for a set this night," said Vinyl.
"WELL F*CK IT THERE WE GO, LET'S ALL GO TO CANTERLOT AND DO STUFF THERE, SHOW ME AROUND AND SH*T."
Vinyl chuckled. "Alright I'm down. Are all of you coming with us?"
"Yeah sure why not."
"Yup"
"Yeah I'm going."
"Yeah, but what are we going to do for the next two hours then?" asked a green, blonde maned stallion.
Mr. Torgue glared at him. "WHY THE F*CK ARE WE GOING TO WAIT FOR TWO HOURS WHEN WE CAN JUST GO THERE NOW?"
The stallion raised an eyebrow in response. "Wait we're going there now? How? Vinyl just said the train doesn't come for another two hours."
"F*CK NO THE TRAIN'S SLOW AS BALLS! WE'RE JUST GOING TO SPAWN IN THERE INSTEAD BECAUSE WE AREN'T ABSOLUTE RETARDS."
"Oh... right."
"Hold on a sec though, aren't there only beacons in Ponyville right now? I remember when Pinkie and Iron Will were going around trying to explain all this stuff to everypony yesterday they mentioned that we could only teleport within Ponyville," Vinyl questioned.
"THAT IS A PROBLEM THAT CAN EASILY BE FIXED. OBSERVE."
Mr. Torgue opened the sliding glass door and walked out, going to the beacon outside the house's front door and pressing a few buttons on the device's screen. The rest of the lounge's occupants watched as Mr. Torgue's skyscraper schlong house shot out something off in the distance, before a faint thud resonated from the Canterlot mountains.
"BOOM. BEACON ON THE MOUNTAIN, LET'S F*CKING GO, COME ON GET OVER HERE GO GO GO! ACTUALLY WAIT WHAT THE F*CK AM I DOING I CAN JUST DO THIS."
He pushed one last button before the entire room's occupants suddenly faded into blue squares.
Author's Note
Everything written after this line:
"So what did you all do together?" chirped Pinkie.
Was written almost two years after any previous work done on this fic.
Feels weird mayne.
ALSO HOW THE F*CK DID THIS CHAPTER TAKE TWO WHOLE GODDAMN YEARS TO WRITE WHAT THE F*CK AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE.
EQUESTRIA? F*CK YEAH!
"ANOTHER DAY, ANOTHER EXPLOSION."
A large, abnormally muscular man wearing sunglasses, headphones, a red hat, golden chains, and some oddly fashioned vambraces with screws protruding from them kicked down the kitchen door of TORGUE HEADQUARTERS. He proceeded to unload an entire magazine of explosive rounds from a TORGUE SHOTGUN at the roof, causing a section to collapse and fall onto one of the unfortunate chefs.
"Auugh!!!"
"NYEEEEOOOOHHHHMEEEEEDLYYYBREEEEBREEEEEWEEEAAAARRRR!!!" Mr. Torgue attempted to imitate the sounds of a guitar with his voice, but unfortunately it sounded more like random noise. "WHAT'S FOR BREAKFAST GUYS???" He threw aside the shotgun into a gun holster on a nearby wall.
The chefs at the Torgue cooperation gaped in shock at their boss before one of them bravely replied, "Uhhh, bacon and–"
"I F*CKING LOVE BACON. SLAUGHTERED PIGS ARE THE BEST F*CKING THING EVER!" His digital censor bleeped out the cusses just as he said them; the censor was something that Mr. Torgue's shareholders demanded he install into his voice box in order to make him seem a little less vulgar.
A chef held out a pan towards Mr. Torgue. "H-here you go sir..."
Mr. Torgue grabbed the pan full of warm, sizzling bacon strips by the bottom and jerked his arm upwards, launching the bacon strips right into his open mouth, chewing them ferociously. He hurled the pan across the room like a frisbee when he was done.
"THAT WAS SOME DELICIOUS BACON. KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK, AND I'LL GIVE ALL OF YOU A RAISE OR SOME SH*T."
"Thank you very much sir."
Mr. Torgue then picked the door back up from the ground and left the room, slamming it back into the frame.
After another day full of yelling, explosions, and making sure that his corporation was still awesome, Mr. Torgue finally settled back into his room. At the moment it had nothing in it and was just an entirely empty white room. Mr. Torgue clapped his hands, to which the room responded by opening up sections of the ground and raising a bed, TV, and a fridge. He grabbed a beer from the fridge and sat down on his bed before turning on the television with a snap of his fingers.
"Handsome Jack here, with the Hyperion–" The channel quickly changed.
"Dahl provides–" Another snap.
"Does this gun shoot freaking arrows?–"
"I wonder what it's like to have a bellybutton–"
"My Little Pony... My Little Pony..."
Mr. Torgue stared at the TV briefly. "WHAT THE HELL IS THIS SH*T."
Pandora, the planet that Mr. Torgue resides on, never really had anything cute and cuddly on it. When people thought of Pandora, they thought of monsters and bandits with lots of guns. That, or they thought this planet was the best place ever because of all the monsters and bandits with lots of guns. Seeing how deviant this odd show was, Mr. Torgue decided to watch it. Somehow, the time just flew by, minutes becoming hours and more hours.
"WHY THE F*CK HAS THIS BEEN BROADCASTING FOR 7 HOURS STRAIGHT?"
A speaker unfolded out of the wall. "Sir, you may wanna keep it down, it's 4 AM."
"SH*T, SORRY ABOUT THAT."
"Not a problem." The speaker folded back into the wall.
Mr. Torgue turned back to the TV screen, motioning his arm downwards as the volume of the TV decreased. On screen, the ponies were currently getting into an all out war with some buffalos.
"WEAPONIZED PIE IS F*CKING BRILLIANT! WHY DIDN'T I THINK OF THAT BEFORE? NO ONE WOULD SUSPECT A PIE TO THE FACE TO ACTUALLY BE DANGEROUS!"
As the ponies ran off into the sunset, the screen froze.
"GOD DAMNIT. STUPID TV, MAKING ME MISS QUALITY ANIMATION." He threw a beer bottle at the TV, causing both the bottle and the screen to shatter into multiple pieces.
"SH*T. THAT USUALLY FIXES IT."
He got up to see what the problem was with the TV, but without warning the screen blacked out. A small circle suddenly formed in the middle as Pinkie Pie stretched it outwards before shoving her upper torso through. She turned her head at Mr. Torgue as she smiled cheerfully, moving more of her body through the hole and closer to the screen before she started knocking on it.
"WAIT A MINUTE. IT WAS JUST PART OF THE DAMN SHOW. F*CK, I'M STUPID." He began to sit down again.
Pinkie then jumped out of the screen and into the room, sending shards of the already cracked screen throughout the room.
Mr. Torgue jumped back and hit the bed frame. "HOLY D*CKBALLS. HOW THE F*CK–"
"Hey there Mr. Torgue! How's it going? I see you've been watching our show! Whaddya think? Pretty neato huh?" She gleefully hopped onto the bed.
"SINCE WHEN CAN TALKING PONIES TELEPORT AROUND THROUGH TV SCREENS? I DUNNO, BUT THIS SHOW IS F*CKING AWESOME!!! HEY WAIT A MINUTE, WHY THE F*CK CAN YOU DO THAT?" He pointed to the TV screen, now devoid of its screen.
"It's because I can break the fourth wall and travel through space and time! It messes up a lot of physics and space time thingies though," Pinkie happily chirped.
"HOLY SH*T MY MIND IS BLOWN. HOW THE F*CK DO YOU EVEN KNOW ABOUT ME? I MUST BE A PRETTY BIG BADASS IF SOME MAGICAL TALKING PONY FROM WHO THE F*CK KNOWS WHERE KNOWS ABOUT ME." He inadvertently flexed his gargantuan muscles as he pointed to himself with a thumb.
"I know right? So listen, because I break the you know what, I like to bring random people from who knows where into Equestria just for fun! It always annoys this weird fella who lives in a blue phone booth though. Anyways, since you've been watching the show, I was wondering, ya wanna come with?" She pointed at the TV.
"WAIT WHAT. SO I CAN GO INTO THE TV?"
Pinkie giggled. "No silly! You get to actually be in Equestria! It actually exists in an alternate dimension."
Mr. Torgue stared at the TV blankly for a bit before smashing another beer bottle on a nearby table that unfolded just to come into contact with the bottle.
"HELL YEAH! LETS GO TO THE LAND OF MAGICAL F*CKING UNICORNS AND BLOW SH*T UP."
He then dived into the TV, leaving a massive dent on what was left of it. The TV then started to tilt towards the ground before falling on top of Mr. Torgue's head.
Pinkie laughed uproariously. "Ok... maybe I wasn't specific enough. I'm the one who can teleport things around, not the TV. I just did that so that I would scare you a lot less than if I came out of the wall or something."
Mr. Torgue continued to lay on the ground without a response.
"You okay?" Pinkie moved the TV off his body before she tapped him a few times, realizing that he was out cold. "Awww. Stupid me not explaining things better. She laid a hoof on Mr. Torgue's back as the two of them slowly faded out from existence,
The speaker came out of the wall again. "Ugh, sir, please be considerate of those around you..."
Mr. Torgue woke up on the floor in a strange pink room; he quickly shot up, wildly looking about. "GOOD F*CKING MORNING EVERYBODY. WAIT A SEC, WHERE THE F*CK AM I? WHAT'S HAPPENING RIGHT NOW? DID I GET DRUNK AGAIN? AM I SO DRUNK THAT I DON'T EVEN REMEMBER DRINKING?! WHAT IS GOING ON RIGHT NOW–"
Before he could yell some more, Pinkie got out of a nearby bed and threw a cake into his face, effectively shutting him up.
"You're in my room! Oh! How could I forget? You got knocked out by the TV, so I had to get you here myself! You didn't wake up for a long time, so I just decided to let you sleep here, sorry I don't have another bed or anything. I can't wait to let you meet everypony in town! We're gonna have so much fun–"
"HEY, DO YOU HAVE ANY GUNS IN EQUESTRIA? AND NONE OF THOSE SISSY GUNS THAT SHOOT 'BUUULEETS', I NEED GUNS THAT SHOOT ROCKETS!" The cake seemed to have been completely devoured, with smudges of frosting remaining on his complexion.
"Oh, uh... yeah, we don't have any of those here, but I'm sure you can just make some! Just be sure not to kill anypony if you wanna have fun here though!"
"OH WAIT, I HAVE A GUN IN MY POCKET." He pulled out a revolver-like pistol and twirled it around his finger before cocking it. "I CALL THIS THE MOTHERF*CKING POCKET ROCKET!!!"
He then shot a few rounds out the window. Some screams outside soon followed.
"LET'S GO OUT AND FIGHT SOME BAD GUYS. WOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!" He dived out the now broken window, miraculously fitting all of his body through the small frame.
"Ooooh! That looks like fun!" Pinkie pulled her party cannon out of her mane. Lighting the fuse, she hopped in and shot herself out the window as well.
As the two of them flew through the air, Mr. Torgue noted all the shocked expressions of the denizens bellow him, utterly flabbergasted at the strange creature that just jumped out of the local bakery's penthouse window. Lost in the moment, he donned a superman pose before continuing to yell at the top of his lungs.
"HOLY D*CK BISCUITS, EVERYTHING IS SO GODDAMN COLORFUL. I F*CKING LOVE IT!!!"
"WEEEEEEEEEEEE!"
The two of them then crash landed into a random pile of hay before getting out and running about.
"SO WHAT THE F*CK SHOULD WE DO?"
"Oh! Oh! I know! You should totally meet everypony around town! It'll be so much fun!" She bounced around and started to point in various directions. "We could go to the library, the boutique, the bowling alley–"
"HEY! WHAT'S GOING ON OVER THERE? IT LOOKS LIKE SOME SORT OF MOTIVATIONAL SPEECH."
In the distance a portable stage was set up, atop was a buff minotaur yelling into a headpiece in front of a rather large audience.
"So I say, make sure your voice can be heard! " Iron Will took off his mic and yelled to the crowd to emphasis his point. "GET LOUD. GET PROUD!
"YEAHHHHH!" Somewhere in the crowd, an overly muscular white pegasus with tiny wings flexed his forelegs.
Mr. Torgue somehow suddenly got up on the stage with Iron Will. "YOU HEARD THE MINOTAUR! GET LOUD! GET PROUD! IT'S WHAT MAKES EXPLOSIONS SO AWESOME."
The crowd stared in shock at the strange creature up on the stage. Iron Will even jumped back in surprise. Irritated, he stepped up to Mr. Torgue, looking straight into Mr. Torgue's sunglasses.
Iron Will stuck his face into Mr. Torgue's, the two being about the same height. "Hey! Iron Will doesn't need random ponies coming up onto Iron Will's stage, interrupting his assertiveness lessons! GET BACK DOWN AND STOP MESSING AROUND! " He snorted loudly.
"SORRY ABOUT THAT. I MUST HAVE BEEN INCREDIBLY INCONSIDERATE. YOU HAVE MY APOLOGIES." Mr. Torgue turned around to walk off the stage.
Unfortunately, Iron Will mistook Mr. Torgue's sincere apology as sarcasm. "Hey! Iron Will doesn't appreciate your kind of attitude! Are you trying to start a FIGHT? Cause I don't like violent ponies. " Iron Will leaned towards Mr. Torgue and shot him an angry look.
Mr. Torgue turned around with a crazed smile on his face. "YOU WANNA FIGHT? SURE THING PAL! I LOVE FIGHTS! NOTHING LIKE A GOOD OL' SPAR BETWEEN TWO MANLY MEN TO FIX UP A MISUNDERSTANDING."
Iron Will looked at him in confusion before being tackled to the ground. Mr. Torgue prepared to deliver a punch to the face, but Iron Will quickly countered with his own punch to the face, effectively knocking Mr. Torgue off him and onto the ground. The crowd screamed and quickly dispersed as the two got up and continued to pummel each other, each grunting manly noises and yelling obnoxiously loud. The fight changed constantly, varying from headlocks and chokes, to headbutts and punches, but none of them ever dared going for the "manly" parts.
This was one of the most badass brawls of all time, until Pinkie Pie ran up to them.
"Oooh! This looks fun! Count me in!" She dived into the middle of the fight, creating a cartoony smoke cloud that wildly bounced about, complete with random limbs sticking out.
"AUUUGH! WHAT THE F*CK IS GOING ON???"
"Iron Will does not approve of this!
The three of them were eventually launched in different directions with stars above their heads as the smoke cloud dissipated.
After a brief period of moving his head around in circles, Mr. Torgue slowly got to his feet, brushing himself off. "THAT WAS A BADASS FIGHT IRON WILL. WE SHOULD BE PALS, YOU HEAR?"
Iron Will chuckled as he got up too. "I don't even... you know what? Iron Will doesn't know what the hay is wrong with you, but none of his assertive techniques has done ANYTHING to stop you. Plus, you're really good at fighting for some reason! Heck, Iron Will can't even tell if you were being sarcastic just then. Iron Will hopes not, because you may even be as assertive as Iron Will! YOU should help Iron Will in his assertiveness demonstrations! "
"HELL YEAH I SHOULD, BUT THERE ARE SOME THINGS THAT YOU JUST AIN'T DOING RIGHT. HERE, FOLLOW ME, I SHOULD SHOW YOU HOW AGGRESSIVE MARKETING IS DONE, YOU'LL BE RICH IN NO TIME! YOU WANT IN?" He stuck his fist out, to which Iron Will gladly bumped with a smirk.
Pinkie got up and cheerfully smiled. "Awww, you've made a friend already! Oh! How about we go visit some of my friends? That would be so super duper fantastically fun!"
"WE'LL START WITH PINKIE'S FRIENDS! LEAD THE WAY PINKIE!" He crouched and pointed off into the air dramatically while flexing his other arm.
"Okey Dokie Lokie! They're gonna have a picnic in a couple minutes! We'll get there right on time!" She happily bounced off, only to be outrun by a sprinting Mr. Torgue.
"F*CK BEING ON TIME! WE HAVE TO GET THERE EARLY! GOOD WORK ETHICS CREATE SUCCESSFUL BUSINESS PRACTICES!!"
Author's Note
Thanks to ConfusedBrony for editing.
View Online
MR. TORGUE'S CAMPAIGN OF TEACHING EVERYPONY HOW TO BE A F*CKING BADASS!... IN 3D!
MR. TORGUE'S CAMPAIGN OF TEACHING EVERYPONY HOW TO BE A F*CKING BADASS!... IN 3D!
"GOD DAMNIT WHEN I ADVERTISE SOMETHING I SERIOUSLY F*CKING MEAN IT! SO THE NEXT TIME I SAY I'M GOING TO BRING A DRAGON INTO TOWN, I'M GOING TO F*CKING BRING A DRAGON INTO TOWN!"
Mr. Torgue had just spent the last few minutes getting everypony to settle down and not worry about the giant monstrosity that was casually sitting down, listening intently to Mr. Torgue's words.
Twilight tapped Mr. Torgue's leg. "Mr. Torgue? I didn't tell anypony about you bringing a dragon to the show. I didn't think you were being serious at all, I just thought you were joking around."
Mr. Torgue glared down at Twilight. "DO I LOOK OR SOUND LIKE A JOKER TO YOU?"
"Uh...yes?" Twilight sheepishly smiled.
"HOW? I ALWAYS COMMUNICATE WITH HARSH AND BLUNT WORDS WHILE UPHOLDING A STERN TONE WHEN I DEMAND SOMETHING. AHH SH*T THAT WAS SOMETHING I COULD HAVE SAID FOR THE SHOW."
"Well you appear to be an extrovert and you happen to possess an obnoxiously flamboyant persona..."
"WELL I CAN SPOUT OFF BIG VOCABULARY WORDS TOO! SPONTANEOUS BELLIGERENT HOLOCAUSTS ARE VOCIFEROUS, VOLUMINOUS, AND ABSOLUTELY INFALLIBLE DUE TO COPIOUSLY GARGANTUAN QUANTITIES OF BADASS!"
Twilight raised an eyebrow. "What does that have to do with anything?"
"HOW THE F*CK AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW? GOOD VOCABULARY DOESN'T NECESSARILY MEAN GOOD INTELLIGENCE. POINT IS, NOBODY SHOULD GIVE TWO SH*TS ABOUT A GIANT ASS DRAGON THAT COULD POTENTIALLY TRAMPLE THE ENTRE TOWN IN THE SPAN OF A MINUTE."
A random background pony raised a hoof in objection. "Well, what the hay is the point of having a dragon here???"
"HELL IF I KNOW. POTATOES."
The crowd began to shout again, sputtering many incomprehensible phrases.
"DO YOU ALL WANNA SUPPORT TORGUE OR NOT?"
The chatter ceased instantly.
"CAUSE WHEN TORGUE IS AROUND, EVERYTHING AND NOTHING MAKE ANY SENSE AT ALL. IS THAT UNDERSTOOD?"
The crowd of ponies murmured in confusion.
"NO BUT SERIOUSLY, LET ME EXPLAIN WHY THE DRAGON IS HERE: BECAUSE HE'S A BADASS."
Discord chuckled. "Seems reasonable enough."
Twilight raised a hoof in objection. "Mr. Torgue, you always seem to use that word for seemingly anything that you praise, MAYBE you should explain what 'badass' even means. To my knowledge, I doubt it's even in the equestrian dictionary."
Mr. Torgue stared at Twilight in utter disbelief. "YOU'VE GOT TO BE SH*TTING ON MY NUT-SACKS RIGHT NOW. 'BADASS' ISN'T A WORD HERE? THE F*CK IS THIS SH*T???"
"And neither are any of the words you say that keep getting censored. Then again, I can't really confirm what any of those words are, but we ponies don't have any words that are so bad that we need to censor them."
"WELL SH*T. SO NOW I HAVE TO EDUCATE ADORABLE COLORFUL EQUINES ABOUT THE BASICS OF FOUL LANGUAGE?"
Twilight grimaced. "Uh, I'd rather you not..."
"WELL TOO BAD. F*CK MEANS–OOF!"
Pinkie somehow leaped onto Mr. Torgue with enough force to knock him face first into the ground. "Shh! Stop doing things that threaten your fundamental existence in this dimension!"
Mr. Torgue lifted his head off the ground as a pair of shattered sunglasses fell from his face. "WELL FINE. I GUESS I WON'T TEACH SMALL EQUINES HOW TO RUIN CHILDHOOD MEMORIES." He tapped his ear as a new pair digistructed perfectly in place onto his face.
"Well, why the hay would you even wanna do that? "
"BECAUSE IT'S F*CKING RANDOM AS SH*T THAT'S WHY."
Discord suddenly scooted by on a scooter made up entirely of fruit. "Now why can't everypony else develop a mindset like this beautiful creature here?"
"Uh, could somepony explain to me what exactly is going on right now?"
Seemingly everypony in the entire town looked up at the dragon, almost as if they had all forgotten that he was there in the first place.
Twilight put a hoof to her chin. "Huh, I forgot we were even arguing over your presence."
"YOU SEE THAT? THE DRAGON DIDN'T EAT ANY OF US. THEREFORE, WE SHOULD ALL LOVE AND TOLERATE THE SH*T OUTTA IT." Mr. Torgue threw Pinkie off his back as he got back on his feet.
Iron Will stroked his chin. "Can't deny you got a point there. "
"HEY! DON'T BE RUDE TO THE DRAGON! SOMEBODY ANSWER THE QUESTION!"
Many mouths opened, only to pause in contemplation of what words were to be formed to describe the current situation.
"Uh..."
"Duh...Well, uh..."
"What exactly are we...hmm..."
"Yeaahhh?..."
Twilight was the first to speak coherent words. "Uh... what exactly ARE we doing?"
There was another moment of silence and murmurs.
Mr. Torgue turned to face the dragon. "SO TO ANSWER YOUR QUESTION DRAGON, WE HAVE NO F*CKING IDEA WHAT IS GOING ON RIGHT NOW."
"That's okay, I probably should have been wondering why this current discussion was so confusing in the first place. It's almost just as confusing as the question: If a dragon's greed satisfies his needs, then what happens when a dragon wants to not want his wants?"
Pinkie put a hoof to her shin and gaped her mouth slightly. "Whoa, he's like a philosodragon!"
"WELL YOU KNOW WHAT PHILOSOTORGUE SAYS? PHILOSOPHY IS BULLSH*T. HELL, WHY DO PONIES EVEN NEED PHILOSOPHY WHEN YOU ALL HAVE F*CKING CUTIE MARKS? THE FIRST THING I'M GOING TO DO WHEN I GET BACK IS SLAP A TORGUE CUTIE MARK ON THE ASS OF EVERY TORGUE EMPLOYEE."
"Actually, Equestria does in fact have a plethora of different philosophical writings that question our life's meaning due to the concept of destiny," Twilight objected.
"WELL IF I WERE TO EVER SOMEHOW HAVE A KID HERE, NOW I KNOW TO NAME HIM OR HER "BADASS MOFO"! WAIT A SEC, WHAT THE F*CK WOULD THAT CUTIE MARK EVEN LOOK LIKE???"
Mr. Torgue felt a gentle tap on his leg. "Mr. Torgue? Uh...I hate to interupt, but uh...can you please stop randomly changing the subject and continue to explain all of your alien technology?"
Mr. Torgue looked straight down into the infallibly adorable eyes of a certain yellow pegasus that was gazing directly into his eyes.
"HRRRNGGHHH! TYPE2DIABETUS!!!" Mr. Torgue collapsed to the ground clutching his chest as he started to fade away in blue light.
Everypony in the town stared at Fluttershy.
"Sweet Celestia...did you just kill him with your stare? "
"I...I didn't do the stare though, why would he...?"
"Hickering haybillies! Why the buck is there a big ol' dragon right smack in the middle a' Ponyville?"
Many heads turned to see a stunned Applejack paused in place in the middle of one of her usual morning routes to the Ponyville market. Just then the bells above Rarity's Boutique's doorway chimed harmoniously.
"I have finally done it! After a whole night's worth of careful contemplation, I think I may have just designed the perfect outfit for Mr. Torgue to... AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!"
More heads turned just in time to witness Rarity slam her boutique's door shut followed by the sounds of multiple locks latching and the cacophony of bells bashed by a slammed door. Almost immediately afterwards, a cloud overhead moved aside as a rainbow blur dashed right to the door of the boutique.
"What's going on? There better be a darn good reason for Rarity to be screaming so loud and pulling me away from some shuteye–AAAHH! DR-DR-DRAGON!"
"What the hay is going on? Why's everypony so darn relaxed about a DRAGON in Ponyville? Why... uh, why y'all lookin' at us funny?"
Mr. Torgue suddenly dived through one of the hotel windows. "CAUSE YOU THREE JUST MISSED OUT ON WHAT WAS PROBABLY THE BEST F*CKING MORNING PONYVILLE EVER HAD!"
After a lengthy explanation of what exactly happened that morning, Mr. Torgue told the town that he was going to run around Ponyville setting up more digistructing stations while the rest of Ponyville returned to their "normal lives". However, Mr. Torgue wasn't exactly doing a courteous job of deciding where to place his digistructing stations. Many ponies gave him an odd look after seeing newly unfolded devices in front of outhouses, on rooftops, and even in dumpsters. After a few minutes of this, he paused for a while after setting one up in the middle of a flower shop's garden.
Mr. Torgue cupped his hands to his mouth. "I'M GETTING SERIOUSLY F*CKING BORED OF THIS SH*T. HEY! IRON WILL, GET YOUR BEEF OVER HERE AND HELP ME SET UP A HUGE ASS STAGE WRAPPED IN DYNAMITE. WE'RE GONNA START THE SHOW EARLY!"
In the distance, Iron Will responded across the town. "What? Why are we starting the show early? "
"WHY NOT?"
"Don't we have to get ready first? "
"THAT'S WHY I SAID GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME OUT."
"Oh! Right! Wait, where are you? "
Mr. Torgue looked at the sign in front of the shop. "IN FRONT OF SOME REALLY SWEET SMELLING PLACE CALLED: ROSE'S BADASS FLOURISHING F*CKING FLORA!"
"Don't you mean: Rose's Flourishing Flora? "
"I LIKE MY VERSION BETTER."
"Well your version sounds stupid! "
"WELL THEN YOU'RE JUST A F*CKING FAGGOT. GO KILL YOURSELF!"
Somewhere up in the sky, Rainbow poked her head through a cloud. "Hey! Shut up down there!"
"HELL F*CKING NO!"
"Can y'all stop yer' gosh darn hollerin' already? It's startin' to get real' annoyin' now!"
"WELL UNTIL I INVENT CELL PHONES I DON'T THINK THAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN ANY F*CKING TIME SOON."
"Hey, why the heck is there one of those beacon thingies blocking the door of somepony's house? "
"DON'T QUESTION MY FLAWLESS POSITIONING SKILLS."
"Uh... Mr. Torgue? Whoever's behind that door is getting pissed, like, really pissed. They say they're gonna blow the door open with something. "
"DON'T WORRY, THOSE BEACON THINGIES ARE IMPERVIOUS TO ANYTHING THAT'S NOT AN EXCESSIVE AMOUNT OF BULLETS."
The next voice to be heard shouting across town was Pinkie's. "Heeheehee! You're blocking the door to Vinyl's house Mr. Torgue!"
"HOLY BUCK WHEN WERE YOU RIGHT NEXT TO ME??? "
"HEY WHAT'S GOING ON OVER THERE?"
"I was never next to you silly!" Suddenly, Pinkie's cheerful face popped up in front of Mr. Torgue. "So whatcha doing Mr. Kablooie?"
Mr. Torgue quickly backflipped in reaction. "JESUS F*CKING CHRIST–"
"How am I in the middle of a flower garden right now??? "
"SH*T PINKIE, WHAT THE F*CK DID YOU JUST DO?" He turned to see Iron Will splayed out in the middle of Rose's garden within the shop.
"I dunno, I started to get these twitches and jitters telling me that we need to stop all these pointless conversations and just get on with the show. Besides, Everypony's starting to getting a little annoyed don't cha think?"
The sounds of heavy dubstep and glass shattering emanated from where Iron WIll and Pinkie used to be.
"KAY FINE. JEEZ. LET'S GET GOING TO MY HOUSE AND MAKE THE DIGITAL BLUEPRINT FOR THE STAGE!"
Iron Will looked to the distance where TORGUE HEADQUARTERS resides. "Wait, how is that a house? It's a giant crotch skyscraper... "
"WELL BY DICTIONARY DEFINITION, IT'S STILL A F*CKING HOUSE. LET'S GO!"
In front of the newly spawned stage in front of Vinyl Scratch's home, a massive crowd herded together immediately after seeing the blue outline materialize into place, much to the dismay of the DJ who was now trapped inside her house. However, Mr. Torgue drowned out the sounds of her protests by blasting badass music while setting up stage effects like smoke and fireworks.
Through the smoke, a shadowy figure could be seen slowly approaching the front of the stage. "Fillies and gentlecolts, the moment you've all been waiting for, an assertiveness show of the likes that NONE of you have EVER seen before, brought to you all EARLY by the TORGUE COOPERATION, I present to you all– "
"WHO THE F*CK PUT MAYO IN THIS SANDWICH?!?!"
The crowd responded with lighthearted laughter as the shadow could be seen face-palming.
Another silhouette burst out of the curtains holding a sandwich high up in the air right as the fireworks went off. "WHO WANTS THIS SANDWICH?"
Many ponies raised their hooves and cheered, demanding that Mr. Torgue throw the sandwich to them.
Iron Will leaned over to Mr. Torgue. "Psst. Hey, what the heck are you doing right now? "
"WELL TOO BAD. MAYO F*CKS UP YOUR HEALTH!" He threw the sandwich up into the air before shooting it with his POCKET ROCKET.
"Mr. Torgue, this is supposed to be an assertiveness show, NOT a comedy. "
"YOU CALL BAD HEALTH A COMEDY? THAT IS SOME SERIOUS SH*T RIGHT THERE BUDDY." He punched Iron Will in the shoulder.
Iron Will retaliated with a punch to the face. "If somepony interrupts, then your rage erupts! "
"OH IT'S F*CKING ON D*CK-BISCUIT!"
The two silhouettes began to brawl on yet another assertiveness show as the smoke cleared away and the fireworks were used up. Only this time, the crowd was laughing uncontrollably rather than screaming and running in terror.
"THIS ISN'T PART OF THE SHOW KIDS! DON'T TRY THIS AT HOME!!!"
Iron Will briefly looked around and realized that the smoke and music had stopped, meaning that the crowd was watching a fight while hearing nothing but amplified punching sounds because of their head mics. "Whoa. Dude, stop. We need to start presenting... where the hay did you get that tuxedo from? "
Mr. Torgue posed in his extravagant tuxedo in triumph. "THIS THING WAS MADE BY RARITY FOLKS! GO BUY SH*T AT HER HOUSE, SHE MAKES BADASS DESIGNS!!!"
"But before you do that, let's start you all off with some ASSERTIVENESS LESSONS. Iron WIll needs a volunteer! "
"WAIT, WHAT ARE WE DOING?"
"Shut up. Volunteers? "
Almost everypony's hoof went up.
"HEY. YOU. BIG RED GUY WITH THE GREEN APPLE ON YOUR ASS. GET UP HERE!"
"Nnnope. Ah didn't even raise mah hoof."
"TOO BAD YOU'RE DRAFTED. F*CK VOLUNTEERS, JUST GET THE HELL UP HERE."
Big Mac simply nodded and began to trot towards the stage.
"Alright everypony, the first lesson Iron Will is gonna do for you all today is a demonstration on how being nice can get you a long way, but NO MATTER WHAT, there is always going to be somepony who's still being a prick for no apparent reason! "
"EXACTLY! SEE HOW I JUST CALLED THIS GUY UP HERE FOR NO F*CKING REASON? WHY THE F*CK ARE YOU SO QUIET BIG GUY? DO SOMETHING ABOUT BIG OL' ME BEING A BIG OL' DOUCHE!"
"Alrighty then." Big mac simply began to walk off the stage.
Everypony quietly stared at Big Mac as he made his way back to the audience.
"Okay then... "
"YOU SEE THAT? HE JUST WALKED AWAY LIKE A BADASS AND COMPLETELY IGNORED ME. HELL, IF WE HAD CINEMATIC LIGHTING AND AN EVENING SUNSET, THAT WOULD HAVE LOOKED SO F*CKING COOL! POINT IS, IF REASON AND KINDNESS DOESN'T DO SH*T, JUST WALK AWAY. NO POINT IN ARGUING WITH A DUMBASS! NO OFFENSE!"
A donkey somewhere in the crowd shouted, "None taken!"
"Wait, what's so assertive about just walking away? "
"EVERYTHING. LOOK AT NINJAS, THEY'RE BADASS'S CAUSE THEY CONVEY ASSERTIVE MESSAGES DIFFERENTLY THAN THE USUAL BOLD STATEMENT! THEY GIVE A VERY STRONG SENSE OF ASSERTIVENESS JUST BY BEING SILENT AND LOOKING REALLY CONSTIPATED ALL THE TIME. WE CAN ALL BE ASSERTIVE BADASSES, AND IT DOESN'T HAVE TO BE THROUGH BEING LOUD! THAT'S JUST HOW I DO SH*T BECAUSE I'M ME!"
The crowd cheered and laughed as they stomped their fore hooves in approval.
Somewhere in the crowd, Twilight leaned over to Applejack. "Wow. He's actually giving pretty good advice."
Fluttershy giggled behind them. "Much better than Iron Will's, and it's even pretty funny."
"YOU SEE, THERE ARE A NUMBER OF THINGS THAT MAKE PEOPLE DIFFERENT IN LIFE. HOWEVER, THE BADASSES ARE THE ONES WHO STAND OUT AND MAKE EVERYBODY ELSE SH*T THEIR PANTS. MY GOAL IS TO MAKE EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU HONORARY BADASSES... AND YOU ALL GET FREE EXPLOSIVES!!!"
A particularly burly white pegasus with minuscule wings flexed his muscles. "YEEAAHHHH! EXPLOSIONS!"
"SO... I HAVE A SURPRISE FOR ALL OF YOU!" Mr. Torgue pulled out a remote with a single red button on it and threw it into the crowd. "SOMEBODY PUSH THAT BUTTON AND WATCH WHAT HAPPENS."
Not a second later, Rainbow swooped up and caught it. "AW YEAH! Watch this everypony!" She kicked the button and sent the remote flying towards the ground.
Then the stage exploded.
Author's Note
I sincerely apologize for the lack of 3D visual effects.
On another note, expect more TORGUE this month cause I didn't update at all February. XP
Thanks to Confusedbrony for editing.
THAT TITLE IS BULLSH*T AND YOU KNOW IT!
THAT TITLE IS BULLSH*T AND YOU KNOW IT!
During the middle of the night, Mr. Torgue decided to make his way to the treehouse, hitting the door with excessive force.
"TWILIGHT SPARKLE! I NEED TO SPEAK WITH YOU!" He managed to punch through the door, lodging his arm inside and launching splinters everywhere.
"Okay! Okay! I'm opening the door!"
The door glowed a bright purple before it swung open, pulling Mr. Torgue with it and throwing him onto the floor.
"F*CK! MY NOSE!"
Twilight looked down and groaned. "Mr. Torgue, it's eleven at night right now. What do you even want? I still need to send reports about the ridiculous events that occurred over the past two days to Princess Celestia, but right now I only have eight pages! Not to mention we still need to comb through the town and deal with the changeling problem, AND I'm behind with–"
Mr. Torgue lifted his head off the ground. "WHY SEND A REPORT WHEN I CAN JUST F*CKING BRING YOU THERE RIGHT NOW? YOUR WORDS IN REAL LIFE WILL ALWAYS BE MORE POWERFUL THAN YOUR MEAGER EIGHT PAGES. OR WHATEVER AMOUNT OF PAGES YOU PLANNED TO WRITE."
Twilight raised an eyebrow. "Wait what? You can do that?"
"I'VE GOT BOMBS AWAY WITH ME RIGHT NOW! WE CAN BE THERE IN 10 MINUTES FLAT! OH SH*T I THINK MY WRIST IS BLEEDING." He got up and yanked his arm out of the door, making an even bigger hole. "NOPE, IT'S JUST A SCRATCH."
"Really? That'd be great! Thanks! But I have to ask, what did you need to talk to me about in the first place? You're being really disruptive. And loud, in fact, I'm going to have to ask you to quiet down since Spike is sleeping right now."
"I NEED TO KNOW WHERE RAINBOW DASH LIVES, AND I NEED A MAP OF CANTERLOT CASTLE."
Twilight groaned and cast a large purple bubble around the two of them. "Uh, why? I'm kinda concerned about what you might do if I gave you that information..."
"I WISH TO ENGAGE IN SOME TOMFOOLERY INVOLVING YOUR MAJESTY'S TOILET, A LAND MINE, AND RAINBOW DASH BECAUSE REASONS. I'LL LET YOU IN ON MORE DETAILS IF YOU'LL HELP ME. OTHERWISE, I'M JUST GOING TO GET DRUNK WITH PINKIE PIE AND IRON WILL OR SOMETHING." Mr. Torgue then pulled out a bottle of cider and popped the cap off with his thumb. "BY THE WAY, CAN I JUST SAY THAT THE ALCOHOL HERE IS ABSOLUTELY F*CKING AMAZING?! GETTING WASTED AS SH*T HAS NEVER TASTED THIS GOOD!"
Twilight quickly shut Mr. Torgue's mouth with telekinesis. "Okay, I'd rather not want to have to deal with you being drunk in the middle of the night, Celestia knows what you would do; so I'm going to come along and make sure you don't do anything ridiculously dangerous to the Princess. I mean it Torgue, this is serious–"
Mr. Torgue grabbed Twilight's horn, releasing his lips and the bubble. "THAT'S MR. TORGUE TO YOU!"
Twilight sighed. "You know, if you just told everypony your first name then the whole honorific issue would be nonexistent. Besides, we're friends here, how come you don't just tell us your first name?"
He let go of her horn so he could flail his arms in exasperation, spilling cider everywhere. "BUT THAT IS MY FIRST NAME!"
Twilight quickly brought the bubble back up. "Mr. Torgue is your first name? Are you sure? Or is this a normal thing back in your world?"
"IT'S NOT. I JUST HAVE WEIRD PARENTS. I COME FROM THE FLEXINGTON FAMILY, A BUNCH OF F*CKING RETARDED MUSCLE HEADS WHO DON'T KNOW HOW TO DO ANYTHING BUT LIFT WEIGHTS AND POOP PROTEIN." Mr. Torgue flexed his gigantic arms. "I MEAN LOOK AT THIS SH*T. I DON'T EVEN HAVE TO TRY TO BE BUFF. THAT'S WHY I SPEND THE MAJORITY OF MY TIME BEING PRODUCTIVE AND LEARNING WITH SCIENCE! SPEAKING OF PROTEIN, I COULD GO FOR SOME RIGHT NOW! SO LET'S GET GOING ALREADY!"
"I have some beans in the kitchen if you're looking for protein right now. Do you want soy? Or maybe something like pistachios?" Twilight turned around and trotted towards the back.
Mr. Torgue followed behind her. "SURE! THOUGH I WOULD MUCH RATHER PREFER SOME BACON, EGGS, AND BEEF, I DON'T THINK PONIES WOULD HAVE THOSE CONSUMABLES IN THEIR HOMES UNLESS THEY WERE F*CKING PSYCHOPATHS." He quickly chugged down the rest of the cider and immediately burped.
"Well we have eggs, but I don't know what those other things are." Twilight grabbed a bag from a cabinet before turning around and handing it to Mr. Torgue.
"BACON IS CURED PIG MEAT AND BEEF IS COW MEAT." Mr. Torgue opened the bag and threw a handful of nuts into his mouth.
Twilight stopped. "WAIT WHAT?! You eat meat???"
"YEAH, BUT DON'T WORRY, I'M NOT GOING TO EAT ANY PONIES OR ANYTHING," Mr. Torgue said while chewing loudly. "YOU ALL ARE WAY TOO F*CKING COLORFUL AND ADORABLE. OH WAIT A SEC, THESE ARE PISTACHIOS, NO WONDER THEY WERE SO HARD TO CHEW. AH F*CK IT, I'M TOO LAZY TO CRACK THEM OPEN." He held the bag over his head and poured the contents into his mouth, making loud crunching noises.
Twilight began backing away. "That's, uh... fascinating! And really unsettling..."
"HEY! DON'T BE SCARED GOD-DAMNIT! WHY THE F*CK WOULD I EAT A SENTIENT BEING THAT'S CAPABLE OF DEDUCTIVE REASONING PLUS HIGHLY INTELLIGENT THOUGHT PROCESSES THAT ENABLE IT TO POSSESS A SOPHISTICATED LANGUAGE AND EXCEPTIONALLY COMPLEX SOCIAL STRUCTURE?! BESIDES, I DON'T EVEN HAVE CLAWS!" Mr. Torgue began clawing away at a nearby wall to no avail. "F*CK THIS SH*T, A REAL MAN PUNCHES HIS PROBLEMS!!!"
Twilight shrunk the bubble, blocking Mr. Torgue so that he wouldn't punch a hole into her library. "Mr. Torgue, I'm starting to think that you need a psychological evaluation if you're eating meat, considering that you clearly aren't even a carnivore. You're crazy enough already, maybe even more so than Pinkie...'"
"ACTUALLY, I'M AN OMNIVORE. LOOK IN MY MOUTH! I HAVE CANINES IN THE CORNERS." He pulled his lips back excessively, revealing multiple gleaming white teeth.
Twilight furrowed her brow. "So you're a tall, bipedal, highly intelligent, mammal that's also an omnivore?! Ugh, you humans are so illogical!" She let out a frustrated groan. "You know what? First thing I'm going to do tomorrow morning is head straight to Lyra's place, maybe she wasn't talking about nonsense this whole time..."
"BUT THAT'S THE FUTURE! FOCUS ON THE PRESENT! WE NEED TO GET TO RAINBOW'S RESIDENCE ASAP!" He pulled out a digistruct cube and punched it before placing it on his back, forming a transparent blue outline of a jetpack immediately afterwards.
Twilight trotted towards the entrance. "Let's go then! There's so much I want to say to the princess before she goes to sleep, especially about your amazing digi–GAH!"
Mr. Torgue sprinted by Twilight and scooped her in his arm. "I SAID AS SOON AS POSSIBLE! THAT MEANS GOTTA GO FAST! GO! GO! GO!" The jetpack ignited as soon as he left the treehouse. "NOW LEAD ME TO RAINBOW DASH'S HOUSE!!!"
"Wait! You didn't tell me what you're going to do!"
"WHAT'S THAT? I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF BADASS!"
After a few minutes of confusion and flying around, the two eventually managed to coordinate themselves and make their way to Rainbow Dash's cloud house. Mr. Torgue slowly flew towards the structure, still carrying Twilight, who was looking rather pale from the excursion.
"Please... no more... barrel rolls," Twilight gasped.
Mr. Torgue kicked a passing cloud. "HEY HOW THE F*CK ARE CLOUDS EVEN UTILIZED AS A STABLE FOUNDATION FOR A HOUSE?!"
Twilight took a few deep breaths before responding. "Pegasi can manipulate them as if they were any other pliable material. Plus, clouds are permeable, so pegasi also never really have to worry about a lack of water in their homes either."
"WAIT WHAT? SO TO THEM THIS SH*T'S SOLID?! NO FAIR! IT LOOKS COMFY AS F*CK! ALSO, WHERE THE F*CK IS THE DOOR? ALL I SEE ARE WINDOWS, COLUMNS, AND A F*CKTON OF RAINBOWS."
Twilight facehoofed. "Do you not see the one window that's bigger than the rest, lies at the lowest level and is clearly a door and not a window? Right in front of the house? At the end of the walkway? Use some common sense!"
"F*CK COMMON SENSE! IT'S ALL ABOUT LOGIC!!!" Mr. Torgue powered "BOMBS AWAY" and flew directly towards the house, one arm extended into a fist. "AND ACCORDING TO MY LOGIC, IT'S REASONABLY FASTER TO FLY STRAIGHT INTO HER HOUSE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT AND SCARE THE SH*T OUTTA HER!"
"Stop! How the hay do you think this is a good idea???"
"I NEVER F*CKING SAID IT WAS!!!"
WHAM!
Mr. Torgue managed to inconveniently hit Rainbow Dash in middle of her nightly reading session, launching her into nearby furniture while sending cloud bits and feathers everywhere.
"GAH! What the buck?!" Rainbow slowly got up, clutching her head and her Daring Do book. "Ugh, what the... Mr. Torgue??? What the hay was that for?! You just messed up my whole room!" She moved aside some Wonderbolt posters and picked up a Soarin figurine, carefully examining it. "Oh thank Celestia this isn't damaged. Not cool dude, I have a door you know. Could've thought about using that instead of trashing all my stuff."
"CONSIDER IT PAYBACK FOR ALL THE TIMES YOU'VE CAUSED PROPERTY DAMAGE TO TWILIGHT SPARKLE." He held the aforementioned mare up in front of him. "SPEAKING OF WHICH, I HAVE HER RIGHT HERE!"
Rainbow's eyes widened. "WHOA WHOA WHOA! DON'T DROP HER–"
"Don't worry, he knows," Twilight deadpanned.
"ANYWAYS, RAINBOW, I NEED TO ASK YOU, DO YOU LIKE PRACTICAL JOKES?"
Rainbow raised an eyebrow. "Is that what this is? Cause this was less like a joke and more like a really lame surprise attack."
"JUST ANSWER THE F*CKING QUESTION," Mr. Torgue spat.
"Yeah, I normally do what they don't suck total flank like this one," Rainbow snarled.
"CAUSE THIS WASN'T A F*CKING PRANK! THIS WAS JUST ME BEING TOO GODDAMN LAZY TO LOCATE AND UTILIZE THE DOOR!"
Twilight rolled her eyes. "Look, he wants to ask if you'll join him on a prank he plans to do on the princess, which he still hasn't even explained to me yet so I can't even advise against it." She glared at Mr. Torgue.
"Oh Celestia, you're not going to just run up to her and blow her up are you? That would be a really lame prank," Rainbow remarked.
"NOPE!" Mr. Torgue pulled a strange circular device out of his pocket. "I PLAN TO INSERT THIS LAND MINE UNDERNEATH THE BASIN OF THE ROYAL POOP TUBE, SO WHEN SHE GOES IN TO TAKE A SH*T, IT'S GONNA SET THIS THING OFF AND WE ALL LAUGH OUR ASSES OFF!"
Rainbow pointed a hoof at the mine. "What the hay is that? Is it just another thing of yours that explodes into a million more explosions?"
"THIS IS A LAND MINE, WHICH IS A PRESSURE ACTIVATED EXPLOSIVE WEAPON UTILIZED AS A TRAP, BUT I'VE MESSED AROUND WITH THIS ONE TO ONLY DESTROY THE TOILET AND DIGISTRUCT CHOCOLATE F*CKING EVERYWHERE. PLUS WHEN THAT HAPPENS, THE BATHROOM WILL HOPEFULLY FLOOD, SO THERE'S GONNA BE CHOCOLATE AND WATER EVERYWHERE!"
Twilight grimaced. "So you're saying that when Princess Celestia sits down on her toilet, the land mine will set off, destroying the toilet and allowing the pipeage to burst, causing the bathroom to flood while the device spawns chocolate everywhere? That's absolutely revolting!"
"NOT WHEN SHE SITS DOWN, BUT WHEN THE TOILET FLUSHES CAUSE I F*CKED AROUND WITH THIS THING AND MADE SURE THAT IT WOULD ONLY GO OFF FROM THE PRESSURE CAUSED BY FLUSHING TOILET WATER DOWN THE POOP CHUTE. THIS IS TO MAKE HER THINK THAT HER POOP IS F*CKING EVERYWHERE! BESIDES, I DON'T WANT TO BLOW UP THE TOILET BEFORE SHE TAKES THE SH*T, THAT WOULD JUST BE MEAN AS F*CK. TO ENSURE THAT THE ROYAL TOILET ROOM STAYS CLEAN, I WANT TO MAKE SURE THAT THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NO SPILLED FECES ANYWHERE BECAUSE SH*T IS JUST GODDAMN NASTY. HECK, THIS MAKES ME WONDER HOW THE F*CK PLUMBERS PUT UP WITH THAT SH*T! PLUMBERS DESERVE THEIR OWN APPRECIATION DAY!!!"
Rainbow began laughing aloud. "That actually sounds freaking hilarious! I'm totally in for that!"
"Uuuuuugh, this is such a bad idea..." Twilight groaned. "I'm also pretty sure that 's-h-something-t' word means feces."
"BUT WAIT, THERE'S MORE!" Mr. Torgue put the mine back in his pocket and pulled out another device, this one in the shape of an egg. "JUST FOR THE SH*T'S AND GIGGLES, WE'RE ALSO GOING TO PUT THIS CHICKEN SPAWNER IN THE QUEEN'S BEDROOM, AND SYNC IT UP WITH THE MINE SO THAT WHEN IT GOES OFF, THERE'S GOING TO BE A F*CK TON OF CHICKENS RUNNING AROUND IN HER ROOM FOR NO GODDAMN REASON WHATSOEVER! ABSOLUTE PANDEMONIUM!!!"
Twilight looked up with a confused expression at Mr. Torgue. "Wait, the Queen? What are you talking about? We don't have a queen."
The chicken spawner suddenly exploded as Mr. Torgue glared at Twilight. "WAIT WHAT? WHY THE F*CK ARE THERE TWO PRINCESSES IF THERE ISN'T A QUEEN?! WHAT KIND OF F*CKED UP SOCIETY DO YOU LIVE IN???"
Twilight put a hoof to her chin. "Now that I think about it, Princess Celestia never actually told me anything about her parents other than 'they're not here' when I was a filly. Though, the term 'queen' is usually a more derogatory term for a female ruler, and not just a term for the mother of a princess. I should ask her about that again at some point. Not today though, since I might be asking about something rude at an inconvenient time."
"THEN ISN'T THE TITLE OF 'PRINCESS' ABSOLUTE BULLSH*T THEN?! I DEMAND A REVOLUTION TO CORRECT THIS IMMEDIATELY IF THE RULING POWER IS THIS F*CKING DISORGANIZED! UNLESS THE KING AND QUEEN ARE ACTUALLY STILL ALIVE, WHICH IN THAT CASE, I SUGGEST THAT WE CAUSE A RIOT ANYWAYS SO THAT THE ROYALTY ACTUALLY HAVE SOMETHING TO DO!"
"How would you even do that? Don't tell me you have something that can mind control everypony or whatever," Rainbow said.
"I DUNNO, HOW ABOUT WE JUST SLAP SOME WINGS ONTO TWILIGHT AND CALL HER A PRINCESS? THAT OUTTA PISS EVERYBODY THE F*CK OFF."
Twilight groaned loudly. "Okay, at this point you're not even making any rationally thought out statements at all are you?"
Mr. Torgue raised an arm in exasperation. "HOW IS THAT STATEMENT NOT RATIONAL? IF THE PRINCESS'S PRIZED PROTEGE STUDENT SUDDENLY BECOMES A PRINCESS JUST BECAUSE SHE GOT WINGS, THEN SOCIETY WILL QUESTION THE EXACT DEFINITION OF WHAT IT MEANS TO BECOME A PRINCESS. DO ACTUAL LEADERSHIP SKILLZ MATTER, OR IS BEING A FLYING UNICORN MORE GODDAMN F*CKING IMPORTANT? NO OFFENSE TWILIGHT, BUT YOU'RE BASICALLY A REALLY NERDY EGGHEAD WHO HAS ONLY JUST RECENTLY OBTAINED SOCIAL PROWESS, THUS, I DO NOT FORESEE YOU BECOMING A PRINCESS IN THE NEAR FUTURE. DO YOU NOW UNDERSTAND THE CONCOMITANCE OF IDEAS THAT RESIDE INSIDE MY BRAIN???" He tapped his head to demonstrate his point.
"Look, can we just go see the princess already? We're wasting time here and Rainbow already agreed to your stupid prank," Twilight deadpanned.
"Yeah! Let's get going already! Princess Celestia's bathroom isn't going to flood itself! Oh, and you better help me clean this mess up when we get back." Rainbow gestured around her. "Cleaning all this up is gonna take a long time, not to mention you wrecked all my collectibles too."
"Well how do you think I feel when you dive right into my library?! I have to clean everything up AND I have to re-shelve all the books! With all the sorting involved, that process can take a whole entire day to resolve even with Spike's help," Twilight griped.
"YEAH RAINBOW! BE MORE CONSIDERATE OF OTHERS. F*CKING D*CK." Mr. Torgue snapped his fingers as a digistruct scanner came to life in his pants. The entire room slowly disintegrated as everything suddenly reformed itself into a more cleanly and organized state. "AT LEAST I THINK ABOUT THE CONSEQUENCES OF MY RETARDED AND OR STUPID ACTIONS."
"Okay! Jeez! No need to be such a flank about it, considering that this is coming from one of the most loudest, random dudes I've ever met," Rainbow retorted.
"THAT BEING SAID, LET'S GO ALREADY! I'LL RACE YOU THERE RAINBOW!" He blasted straight through one of the cloud walls as Twilight loudly shrieked.
"Hey wait! I can't fly through my house like you guys can!"
"F********CK! TOO MUCH RAINBOW FOR MY EYES!!!"
Rainbow had just flew by Mr. Torgue and Twilight, performing a sonic rainboom along the way and resplendently lighting up the night sky, blinding the two of them. Unfortunately, this sent Mr. Torgue flying out of control, causing him to spiral around in random directions.
"Aaaaaaah!!!" shrieked Twilight.
"I BLAME THESE FAKE SUNGLASSES THAT LOOK LIKE SUNGLASSES BUT DON'T ACTUALLY PROVIDE PROTECTION FROM LIGHT!!!"
"What's going on??? Why are we spinning so much?!?!"
"HOW THE F*CK AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW WHEN I CAN'T SEE SH*T?!"
Twilight's horn brightly lit up. "I'll cast a bubble around us in case we crash!"
"GOOD IDEAAAAAAAAAAA!!!"
The two of them barreled through a window, sending shards of glass throughout and unceremoniously landing in the middle of a dark and cluttered, but spacious room. It was filled with dim sources of light throughout its large space, giving the room a sort of nightclub feel.
As they got to their feet, a loud shriek emanated from the corner.
"OH SH*T I AM SORRY ABOUT THIS WHOEVER YOU ARE IN THE ROOM. THIS CRASH LANDING WAS COMPLETELY UNINTENTIONAL!"
"And just who do you think you are, intruding into a princess's personal bedroom?!?!"
Twilight immediately recognized the voice. "Wait, Princess Luna?"
"Twilight Sparkle?" The tip of Luna's horn lit up in the corner, revealing her lounging behind a computer. "Oh, my apologies, is this how ponies enter royal domains in our modern times? That was quite a splendid entrance if I do say so myself."
Mr. Torgue began brushing some glass shards off himself. "YOU CALL THAT SPLENDID? ALL I DID WAS BLINDLY FLAIL AROUND BEFORE SMASHING THROUGH YOUR WINDOW. I'D GIVE THAT CRASH LANDING A ZERO OUTTA TEN, WOULD NOT PERFORM AGAIN."
"Twilight Sparkle, would you mind introducing your guest? I'm afraid I don't recognize him." Luna pointed her horn's light onto her visitors, illuminating them as she got up and approached the bipedal hulk.
"NO NEED FOR THAT MA'AM. I'M MISTER TORGUE FLEXINGTON, FOUNDER OF MOTHERF*CKING TORGUE MUNITIONS. IT IS NICE TO MEET YOU!" He stuck out an arm in greeting.
Luna looked up at Mr. Torgue in confusion before she extended a foreleg and allowed Mr. Torgue to shake it. "Greetings to you too sir. Though I must inquire, has the traditional regal voice regained favor among the populace? You would appear to be yelling in quite the voluminous manner, perhaps even louder than I. Is this a cultural aspect belonging to you and your fellow minotaurs?"
"Wait, he's not a minotaur," Twilight responded.
"LADY, DO YOU SEE ANY HORNS STICKING OUT OF MY SKULL?"
Luna glanced upwards towards Mr. Torgue's head and chuckled. "Ah, pardon me, I seem to have been mistaken. In that case, would you mind enlightening me as to what you are? I'm rather curious."
Mr. Torgue squatted and stuck out his chest, curling his arms over his shoulders. "I AM A MAN! AND A GODDAMN F*CKING MANLY MAN AT THAT! SO YOU WEREN'T TOO FAR OFF WITH THE MINOTAUR GUESS. I DON'T KNOW HOW THE HELL YOU CAME UP WITH THAT SH*TTY HYPOTHESIS THOUGH, CAUSE I DON'T HAVE HORNS OR HOOVES. FEET ARE JUST SO MUCH BETTER, NOT TO MENTION THAT I GET TO BREAK DANCE AND SH*T CAUSE MY LEGS AREN'T BENT BACKWARDS! GOD BLESS MY BIOLOGICAL COMPOSITION!"
"He's a human," Twilight deadpanned.
Luna raised an eyebrow. "Is that some sort of new species that has come to fruition during my absence? I'm afraid I've never heard of them."
"Actually, he mysteriously showed up with Pinkie yesterday morning I think. Nopony knows how, and he somehow possesses an adequate understanding of Equestria even though he apparently came from an alien world." Twilight raised a hoof in explanation. "We came here hoping your sister could provide some answers."
"NO, THAT'S WHY YOU'RE HERE. GET YOU'RE F*CKING FACTS STRAIGHT DIPSH*T. AS FOR WHY ME AND RAINBOW ARE HERE, WE'RE–" Mr. Torgue abruptly turned around. "OH SH*T WHERE THE F*CK IS THE FLYING RAINBOW HORSEY?!"
Twilight facehoofed. "Knowing her, she's probably hovering above Celestia's tower, waiting for us to show up so she can gloat about how much faster she is."
"IS THAT SO? WELL I'LL HAVE HER KNOW THAT SHE'S AN ASSHAT FOR THINKING LIKE THAT! I'M WAY FASTER THAN HER WHEN IM ON PSYCHOACTIVE DRUGS, AND PINKIE'S WAY FASTER THAN ALL OF US! MY VERY EXISTENCE IN THIS UNIVERSE IS PROOF OF HER INTERDIMENSIONAL TRAVELING CAPABILITIES." Mr. Torgue pulled out a needle from his butt pocket and stabbed his arm. "I'M NOT SURE WHAT THIS IS BUT IM PRETTY SURE IT HAS A BIT OF ADRENALINE, HEROIN, STEROIDS, WHITE BLOOD CELLS, JELLYFISH DNA, ECSTASY, AND GOD KNOWS WHAT ELSE! THIS IS ALL DESIGNED TO BE VOMITED IN A MATTER OF MINUTES! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!! I DO NOT ENDORSE THIS STRANGE AND DETRIMENTAL PRODUCT!!!"
Mr. Torgue wildly flailed his arms about before he ran towards the window in about two steps, attempting to jump through it but instead running straight through the wall. The tell tale sounds of screaming and explosions followed afterwards.
Luna shrieked in terror as she ran towards her bedroom's destroyed wall. "What in Equestria is wrong with him?!?! Just... WHY???"
Twilight groaned loudly as she trotted towards the obliterated wall. "I know this sounds ridiculous, but believe me when I say he's done worse. He honestly makes Pinkie Pie seem tame..."
The two of them peered out of the massive hole and saw a figure flying through the air, seemingly propelling itself between castle structures and mountainsides through use of massive explosions.
Luna's right eye twitched. "Tell me Sparkle. Are there more of his kind to come in the near future?"
"None as far as I'm aware, though that may change depending on what Pinkie Pie decides," replied Twilight.
"RAINBOW DASH! YOU MOTHERF*CKING CHEATED! NO BLINDING THE OPPONENT WITH BIG ASS RAINBOW EXPLOSIONS THAT DETONATE FROM YOUR BUTT!"
"Hey! What are you doing?! Let go of me you big jerk! Ow! How are you even–"
Twilight's jaw dropped as she gazed off into the distance in utter disbelief. "Is he... No... That's impossible. There's no way that can work..."
Off in the distance, it appeared that Mr. Torgue was hanging below Rainbow, holding onto her wings and flapping them rapidly to move both of them around.
"STOP RESISTING THE HUMMINGBIRD TECHNIQUE! WE WILL FLY BETTER IF YOU LET ME FLAP! OUCH! MOTHERF*CKER STOP KICKING MY FACE"
"Cut it out! You're gonna break my wings!"
"THEN STOP MOVING YOUR WINGS AGAINST ME SO THEY DON'T GET BENT DIPSH*T!"
"Fine then! Here, are you happy now you dumb–GAAAAAAAAAA!!!"
Another rainbow ring hastily expanded and illuminated Luna's sky once more as Twilight and Luna shielded their eyes from the light. When the light faded, they gazed upwards and saw Mr. Torgue steadily flapping Rainbow's wings as the two of them floated through the wall hole.
"I HAVE RETURNED WITH THE PERPETRATOR!"
With dinner plate eyes, Twilight stared at the duo floating in the room before turning back to Luna. "Please tell me you're seeing this and that I'm not going crazy."
Luna continued to blankly stare at the duo. "Twilight Sparkle. I fear for your sanity should you continue to associate with him and Pinkie Pie."
Rainbow rolled her eyes. "Ugh, I'm not even gonna ask how you did that... Hey, can you let go of me now? I'd rather fly on my own y'know."
"NEVER! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA–*COUGH*–HAHAHA–*COUGH*–GODDAMNIT–*COUGH*–OWWW! MY SMALL INTESTINE IS FEELING ABNORMAL!!!" Mr. Torgue finally let go and dashed towards the hole in the wall as Luna and Twilight hurriedly got out of his way. He began to lean over the cliffside, making distinct hurling noises.
Rainbow shrunk back with an appalled expression. "Ahhh! Dude! Gross!"
"I don't even want to know anything about that particular steroid," groused Twilight.
Luna grabbed Twilight, clearly exasperated. "Twilight Sparkle. For the love of all that is fair in Equestria, get him out of our world the instant he is done with his business, do you hear???"
Twilight's eyes widened. "I don't know how! Pinkie was the one who brought him here, and she's just as random as him but a lot less destructive!"
Luna's bedroom door suddenly opened as a lunar guard walked in. "Luna! The Borderlands 2 GOTY just came out! We need to play this game pronto–" He stopped as soon as he noticed Mr. Torgue and the hole in the wall, his face in utter disbelief. "HOLY CELESTIA IT'S MR. TORGUE! BUT-BUT... HOW?!?!"
Luna stared back at the guard with a similar but angrier expression. "What?! You know of this creature?!?!"
Mr. Torgue finally settled down as he stood straight up and turned around. "WHY ARE THERE SO MANY RANDOM PEOPLE IN PRINCESS LUNA'S ROOM? WE'RE GONNA ATTRACT A TON OF UNWANTED ATTENTION, AND WE WON'T BE ABLE TO FLOOD THE BATHROOM!"
"Too late for that now, we kind of just set off two sonic rainbooms, decimated a wall and a window, and to top it all off, made enough noise to probably awake the whole of Canterlot. Actually, that was pretty much all you Mr. Torgue, and a stealth mission approach doesn't usually involve shouting at the top of our lungs while blowing everything up," retorted Twilight.
"YES IT CAN! IF A GUY RAN AROUND A BASE BLOWING EVERYTHING TO SMITHEREENS, HE WOULD CONFUSE THE F*CK OUTTA EVERYONE IN THERE AND MAKE THEM THINK THEY'RE BEING ASSAULTED WHEN IT'S REALLY JUST ONE F*CKTARD WHO'S STILL UNDETECTED IN ALL THE ENSUING CHAOS. THAT PLAN WOULD BE ABSOLUTELY FLAWLESS!"
Twilight raised an eyebrow. "If that were the case, wouldn't it be more effective to actually assault the base of operations?"
Mr. Torgue pointed behind him. "LOOK OUTSIDE! THERE'S TONS OF BAT PONY THINGS FLYING AROUND THE MOUNTAINSIDE RIGHT NOW. HOLY D*CK F*CK I MADE A TON OF CRATERS! NO WONDER THEY HAVEN'T NOTICED THE GIANT HOLE IN THE CASTLE TOWER. AS YOU CAN SEE, THEY ARE CLEARLY DISTRACTED FROM MY GENIUS–NO WAIT, NEVER MIND, I THINK THEY HEARD ME AND NOW THEY'RE LOOKING AT ME FUNNY."
"Luna, what the hay is going on??? Why is Mr. Torgue real?!" exclaimed the guard.
"How should I know???" shouted Luna.
"HOLY SH*T WE'RE BEING SWARMED BY VAMPIRE AND OR BAT PONIES! AWESOME!!!"
Twilight gaped at him. "WHAT?!?! How in Equestria is that supposed to be awesome??? We'll all be incredibly lucky if we somehow manage to get out of this without any repercussions!" Twilight turned around and rapidly bowed in front of Luna. "I'm so sorry! Please forgive us for causing all this trouble and disturbing the Night Guard!"
"BUT IT IS A WELL KNOWN FACT THAT FIGHTING A HORDE OF VAMPIRE PONIES IS INFINITELY MORE MANLIER THAN FIGHTING NORMAL VAMPIRES, BECAUSE NORMAL VAMPIRES ARE A BUNCH OF HOMOSEXUAL, PRETENTIOUS PEDOPHILES!" Mr. Torgue drew his POCKET ROCKET from a crotch pocket as he shoved an enormous, suggestive bullet into the barrel of the gun before pointing it outside. "THAT ISN'T TO SAY THAT BEING HOMOSEXUAL CAN'T BE MANLY THOUGH I DON'T CLAIM MYSELF AS BEING SO!!!"
Rainbow immediately tackled Mr. Torgue away from the hole in the wall. "STOP!!! What the hay makes you think that killing the princess's guards is a good idea?!"
Mr. Torgue stumbled back, attempting to pry Rainbow off himself. "I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW THAT THERE IS A DISTINCT DIFFERENCE BETWEEN FIGHTING AND KILLING, THOUGH I DON'T BLAME YOU CONSIDERING HOW CLOSELY RELATED THE TWO OF THEM ARE."
Meanwhile, the guard in the back was rolling around on the floor, clutching his sides. "Ahahaha!!! Sweet Luna, this is way too good to be true!"
"Cease thy insolent laughing and explain to your princess the matter at hoof at once!" bellowed Luna.
The guard wiped a tear from his eye and picked up the case he dropped. "There is no matter here! Luna, for the love of all that is good just let all this go and play Borderlands 2 like, right now. I PROMISE you won't regret it."
The squadron of guards finally made their way to the hole in the wall, fangs bared and wrist-blades drawn.
"Your Highness! Are you alright?"
"Echowave! What's going on here? Why are you with the princess?"
"RAINBOW DASH, YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE HANDS! GIVE MY BACK MY F*CKING GUN BEFORE YOUR SALIVA DAMAGES THE CUSTOM PAINT JOB THAT I SPENT MINUTES WORKING ON! MINUTES I TELL YOU!!!"
Everypony turned to look in the corner of the room, where Rainbow was desperately trying to fly away from Mr. Torgue, who was jumping off any immediate structures in the room in an attempt to catch her.
One of the guard’s jaw dropped. “Oh my Celestia. It’s Mr. Torgue. WHAT THE HELL–“
“No way. NO FREAKING WAY! HOW IN THE–“ Another guard turned towards Luna. “–HOW DID HE GET HERE???”
Luna fell back and clutched her head with her hooves. “WHY DOES EVERYPONY KNOW WHO HE IS??? WHAT AM I MISSING HERE?!?!”
Rainbow spat the pistol into her hoof. “I’m not going to give you back your gun you overgrown monkey! You were just trying to shoot Luna’s guards! You know how much trouble that would get you in???”
“DOES IT STILL GET ME IN TROUBLE IF I HAVE ENOUGH DRUGS IN MY PANTS TO LEAVE ME INTOXICATED FOR WEEKS?” shouted Mr. Torgue as he somehow jumped off a light fixture on the wall, barely missing Rainbow’s tail.
“What in tartarus are you even saying right now???” exclaimed Rainbow.
"THAT DRUGS OBVIATE THE NEED TO CARE ABOUT THE PHYSICAL REPERCUSSIONS OF FIGHTING!"
Rainbow narrowly ducked under a swipe. "What does that even mean? Do you even hear what you're saying right now?!"
"THAT MODERN MEDICINE IS F*CKING AWESOME?"
The two were suddenly engulfed in a sparkling purple aura, frozen in midair.
"Okay, that's enough! I'm pretty sure we've overstayed out welcome here guys, Mr. Torgue, you're going to fix everything and apologize to the Princess so that we can stop being a bother and see Princess Celestia already," Twilight demanded with a stern look.
"Indeed Mr. Torgue! I must say, you are especially rude as a guest who invited himself into a princess's personal bedroom," added Luna.
“TWILIGHT, WHAT THE F*CK ARE YOU EVEN SAYING RIGHT NOW? FIRST OF ALL, WE DON’T EVEN KNOW HOW TO GET OUT OF HERE SINCE WE CAME IN THROUGH THE GODDAMN WINDOW, AND SECONDLY, I CAN'T FIX SH*T IF I DON'T HAVE A BLUEPRINT OF SOMETHING TO DIGISTRUCT INTO REALITY. ALSO, I ALREADY APOLOGIZED TO THE PRINCESS, IT'S THE FIRST GODDAMN THING I DID WHEN WE CRASHED INTO HER ROOM!”
The guards by the hole in the wall burst out laughing, clutching their sides.
Twilight looked absolutely flabbergasted. "How are you even talking through the restraining spell?!"
"HOW THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW? YOU'RE THE ONE DOING THE MAGIC," retorted Mr. Torgue.
"I do believe we've already established that he doesn't exactly follow the rules of physics. Or reality it would seem," said Luna.
Twilight groaned loudly. "Never mind... Let's just go see Celestia already before she goes to bed. And don't worry about me getting lost, I've lived here for most of my life."
"NOW HOLD ON A MINUTE. I HAVE A FAN BASE TO PLEASE HERE! HEY BAT PONIES! YOU GUYS ARE F*CKING BADASS! OKAY, NOW WE CAN GO."
The guards by the hole were now rolling about on the floor as they hysterically laughed.
"Wait!!!" Echowave, the first guard that walked in, hopped in front of the door, barring the way out. "Mr. Torgue, can you promise to come back here once the Princess has played through your game? I have no idea how you got here or why, but please for the love of Celestia can you do this one thing for us? That is, if you're staying here long enough to do so?"
Another guard chipped in. "Holy Celestia, yes, please do! That would make my day dude."
Mr. Torgue raised his hand to his chin, rubbing it thoughtfully. "WELL SURE, WHY THE F*CK NOT? I ACTUALLY HAVE NO IDEA HOW TO GET BACK HOME ANYWAYS SINCE PINKIE PIE KINDA JUST DRAGGED ME HERE FROM ANOTHER DIMENSION, SO I'M JUST F*CKING AROUND HERE UNTIL I GET BORED AND FIGURE OUT A WAY BACK. BUT HOW THE HELL WILL I KNOW THAT THE PRINCESS HAS FINISHED PLAYING THIS GAME FEATURING ME THAT YOU SPEAK OF?"
Twilight wrinkled her brow in annoyance. "Now you're moving your arm too?!"
Echowave gazed upwards in contemplation. "Uhh... Well, I guess I'll send a letter to you? I'm assuming you're in Ponyville at the moment if you're with them right?" He gestured towards Twilight and Rainbow.
"WAIT A MINUTE, I HAVE AN IDEA!" Mr. Torgue pulled out the land-mine chocolate spawner and a sharpie, jotting something down on the device. "JUST FOLLOW THE SIMPLE INSTRUCTIONS I WROTE DOWN AND MAKE SURE TO DO IT ONCE THE PRINCESS HAS FINISHED THE GAME. ALSO–" Mr. Torgue took out a small disc and threw both objects towards Echowave. "–BE SURE TO SLAP THAT DISC THINGY ONTO THE WALL CAUSE IT'S ACTUALLY A CAMOUFLAGED CAMERA! IT CHANGES COLOR TO SUIT ITS ENVIRONMENT, SO I GET TO CALL IT A CAMO-CAM!"
Echowave glanced over Mr. Torgue's messy writing on the mine. "What. Why do you want me to put this... well, in there?"
"JUST DO IT! I SWEAR TO GOD IT WILL BE FUNNY AS SH*T."
Echowave shrugged. "If you say so."
"OH I SAID SO ALRIGHT! DON'T WORRY, I'LL KNOW WHEN YOU DO IT, AND WHEN IT HAPPENS I'LL HEAD OVER HERE ASAP! HELL, MAYBE I SHOULD PLAY THAT BURGERLANDS GAME YOU GUYS KEEP TALKING ABOUT IF IT HAS ME IN IT! THE GAME SEEMS EITHER INCREDIBLY FUN OR CREEPY DEPENDING ON HOW I AM PORTRAYED."
Mr. Torgue proceeded to grab Twilight's horn, causing it to fizzle out and release him and Rainbow.
"Hey!" exclaimed Twilight.
"YOU WERE SUFFOCATING THE RAINBOW HORSEY." Mr. Torgue caught Rainbow and fiercely shook her back and forth. "SPEAK TO ME RAINBOW! IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN BREATH NOW!"
Rainbow struggled to speak through Mr. Torgue's spastic shaking. "Agh! Da-ar-nit du-ude, sto-op sha-ay-king me!"
"SOMEBODY GET A MEDIC TO CHECK FOR BRAIN DAMAGE! SHE'S STARTING TO SPEAK INCOHERENTLY! THAT'S REALLY BAD!!!"
Rainbow leaned forward and bit Mr. Torgue's forearm.
"OUCH! MOTHERF*CKER–" Mr. Torgue let go and clutched his arm. "–YOU SEE THAT! SHE'S BECOMING RETARDED!"
Rainbow coughed a few times and patted her chest. "What the hay were you doing?!?! I was asleep for Celestia's sake!"
"WAIT WHAT. HOW THE F*CK DO YOU FALL ASLEEP JUST LIKE THAT?!"
"Well, when it's this late at night and I can't move, then I'm pretty much just going to sleep," explained Rainbow.
"HUH. THAT SUGGESTS THAT YOU HAVE A VERY HEALTHY SLEEP CYCLE IF YOU CONSIDER THIS TO BE LATE AT NIGHT. I WOULD ENVY YOUR HEALTH HAD I NOT DISCOVERED HOW TO NULLIFY MY NEED TO SLEEP."
Rainbow yawned loudly and laid down. "Whatever, can we get going already? What are we even doing here?"
"Yes, let's go already! Unless you're going to somehow fix everything like usual, we should really get going." Twilight turned towards Luna and bowed. "Again, we're so sorry about this Princess. I'll see to it that Mr. Torgue here repays the damage he's done here." She turned and snuck a glare towards Mr. Torgue.
Echowave laughed. "No harm done! His mere existence is enough repayment if you ask me."
Luna glared at Echowave. "I believe I shall be the judge of that thank you very much."
A bright flash of light suddenly materialized by the doorway, leaving behind Princess Celestia herself, along with a few other guards.
Celestia wildly looked around the room, observing its state of dismay. "Sister! Are you alright? What happe–"
"HOLY SH*T YOU SCARED THE BEJESUS OUTTA ME! GODDAMN YOU ARE ONE BIGASS PONY!"
Twilight jumped in front of Mr. Torgue and bowed to her mentor. "Oh no. Oh nononono! Princess, I can explain! I'm so sorry about all of this! Please don't get mad, there was nothing I could–"
Celestia pleasantly smiled. "Oh hello Twilight! My apologies, I was worried my sister may have been in danger due to all the noise, but I see you've brought a new friend along to have some fun with her!" She pointed a hoof past her student. "I assume that you are Mr. Torgue? My greetings to you."
Luna's face became that of shock. "FUN?! Tia, this hooligan blundered through my window and proceeded to blow up my wall, and the mountainside! Also, how do YOU even know who he is?! WHAT AM I MISSING HERE???"
"And that, dear sister, is why you should read the reports that come in from our fair cities. It is to my understanding as well that both your wall and the mountainside are things that can easily be replaced. isn't that right, Mr. Torgue?" Celestia turned towards him, still wearing her calm smile.
"HOLY F*CK YOU'RE THE MOST BENEVOLENT SENTIENT BEING THAT I HAVE EVER MET BASED ON FIRST IMPRESSIONS! I DON'T EVEN CARE THAT YOU CALL YOURSELF A PRINCESS EVEN THOUGH THAT TITLE IS ABSOLUTE BULLSH*T, YOU ARE JUST SO F*CKING BADASS!"
Celestia closed her eyes and chuckled. "I'll take that as a yes."
Mr. Torgue apprehensively lifted an arm out. "CAN I TOUCH YOUR HAIR?"
"I'm sorry?" asked Celestia.
Twilight looked appalled. "What?! Why are you even asking the princess such a–
"YOUR MANE, IT'S SO F*CKING COOL! HOW DO I GET HAIR LIKE THAT?"
"You'd have to become an ethereal entity with massive amounts of arcane energy I'd suppose," Celestia responded.
"SO CAN I TOUCH IT?"
Celestia continued to graciously smile. "Go right ahead! Though I must admit I've never received such an odd request in all my years."
Twilight looked up in panic. "Princess don't! He's going to do something incredibly dumb–!"
Mr. Torgue delicately ran his fingers through Celestia's hair. "THIS IS SO SOFT! THANK YOU PRINCESS FOR BLESSING ME WITH SUCH A HEAVENLY FEELING."
Celestia giggled. "You're very welcome Mr. Torgue."
"WHELP, I'M DONE HERE. TWILIGHT, YOU CAN GO DO YOUR THING WITH THE PRINCESS NOW. CIAO EVERYBODY!" Mr. Torgue pulled out a grenade and ran towards the hole, puling the pin and diving out.
"Thank the heavens," Luna muttered under her breath.
"See you later Mr. Torgue!" The rest of the guards waved to him.
"WEEEEEEEEEE–"
His body almost immediately exploded, sending chunks of his body in all directions before they disintegrated into blue digital cubes.
Luna let out an ear piercing shriek. "Ewww!!! Ew! Ew! Ew! Did he just kill himself??? Why did he just... There's NO way he can still be alive after that!!!"
Celestia widened her eyes. "My goodness, that's certainly an... interesting way of saying goodbye."
Rainbow yawned as she stood up and pointed Mr. Torgue's POCKET ROCKET at her head with a wing. "Yeah, I'm done here too. G'night everypony."
Her head blew up as she pulled the trigger, her lifeless body falling to the ground before undergoing the same fate as Mr. Torgue's.
Luna put a hoof to her mouth and looked away before passing out on the floor. Everypony else stared at the body chunks, which were now completely fading into blue light. They then turned to look at Twilight, almost expecting her to do something similar.
Twilight loudly sighed. "I have a ton of explaining to do Princess..."
Author's Note
HOW THE HELL DID THIS TAKE LIKE AN ENTIRE GODDAMN YEAR TO WRITE HOLY JESUS WUT THE F*CK AM I DOING.
