The Saints hit Equestria

by Dubious

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Trixie, Adventure, Crossover, Alternate Universe, Human, Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 5732

The leader of The Third Street Saints wakes up to themself in a desolate wasteland, time to strap on.

After an unrememberable night of drinking, The Boss wakes up to find herself in a desolate wastleand with no memory of how she got there. After surviving an encounter with a group of raiders, she embarks on a quest that could possibly change the face of the Equestrian Wasteland forever.

Published 2013-02-02 11:00:01 UTC
Last updated 2013-02-02 11:00:01 UTC

Mixing Drinks

Mixing Drinks

"Ugh. What happened?" Boss said as she grabbed her head, so this is what a hangover was? No wonder Kinzie rarely drinks.

"Hey! I heard something over here!" Boss heard a voice call out from somewhere. The sound of a dozen people approaching reached her ears. As the footsteps got closer she heard a series of startled gasps. "HELLHOUND!!" One of the voices shrieked as all the people who came to investigate her fled in terror.

"I've been called a lot of things, but hellhound is not one of them." Boss said, shaking her head to get rid of her headache.

"Actually, they were talking about me." A voice from behind her called out. Turning around she found herself face-to-face with a cross between a human and a wolf.

"I've had stranger adventures." Boss shrugged, remembering the time she had to dispose of a zombie gas which she ended up keeping.

"What do mean 'I've had stranger adventures'?" The Hellhound asked.

"As in one time I had to single handedly take down a paramilitary organizations airship."

"Maybe you could help us. If you're telling the truth and aren't just lying to make yourself look better to an obviously superior warrior."

"I'm immune to bullets." Was Boss' response.

"Sure you are. So if I was to shot you point blank in the chest, you wouldn't die?" The Hellhound asked.

"Yep. Fire away." At this, the Hellhound put a pistol to her chest and pulled the trigger. After spending several minutes gaping at the fact that Boss hadn't even flinched in the slightest as he shot her in the chest.

"Okay, I guess you aren't a liar. But how do you fare against grenades?" He said as he grabbed a frag grenade from his pack.

"I'm only able to be damaged by melee, and even then if I don't take any damage for a second I fully heal. Oh and I can sprint indefinitely."

"... If even half of that is true... you scare me." The Hellhound said.

"Well I generally wipe out the Steelport National Guard at least once a week out of boredom. I'm Boss by the way." She said, holding her hand out for the Hellhound to shake.

"I'm Frank." The Hellhound told her, accepting her handshake.

"Huh, I thought you'd have a more... Well wolfish sounding name."

"Most ponies say that when they meet one of us, right before we behead them and eat their corpses with a tasty BBQ sauce. If you want some, you can have this spare leg I was saving for a snack later."

"Sure, Here's a Saints Flow as a trade." Boss said, handing Frank a Saints Flow she carried on her person.

"What's this?" Frank asked as he sniffed the energy drink.

"It's Saints Flow, it's an energy drink Ultor released under the Saints brand name."

"What?" Frank asked, completely confused as to what Boss just said.

"Don't worry, it took me three explanations and a web search to understand what any of those meant." Boss explained.

"I don't remember if that's the irradiated stuff or the normal stuff. I guess we'll find out if you suddenly start shooting fireballs." Boss told Frank, ignoring the look on his face.

"Huh?"

"Some nerd figured out how to make Saints Flow give you super powers if you drink it. Only lasts for an hour though." She explained.

"How many of these do you have?" Frank asked with wonder in his voice.

"Just the twenty three. Only one's non-irradiated, better hope that's it. I doubt you'd like spending ten minutes running into buildings." Boss cautioned.

"GAH! This tastes like ass!" Frank exclaimed.

"Then it's not irradiated!" Boss cheered, taking a bite out of the pony leg she was given. "Eugh! This tastes terrible!" She cringed, that was the second worse thing she'd ever tasted, right after that week old unrefrigerated bacon she once had, the thought of which sent a chill down her spine.

"Pony isn't that bad." Frank said as he saw Boss shudder.

"It wasn't the pony, I just remembered the time I ate one week old unrefrigerated bacon." She told him, shuddering again.

"What's bacon?" Frank asked.

"It's a cut of meat from a pig."

"Pig?"

"It's either extinct here or it never existed in the first place, now come on, I want to get somewhere less depressing." Boss said, gesturing Frank to lead the way.

"Huh, this place has quite a lot of gems in it." Boss observed.

"Yes, we steal them from pony caravans. They make a good profit when we sell them at the bazaar." Frank explained.

"Cool, also I'm sure those raiders we encountered on the way here will get those mollusks off their heads eventually." BOss said with a slight chuckle, remembering how the raiders she shot with the Mollusk Launcher broke their pelvis' in order to do the splits that the mollusks make everything they're shot at do.

"Yes, that is an interesting weapon you have there, though nowhere near as interesting as that, what did you call it?"

"The Penetrator? Yeah, I picked it up after my crew took control of a brothel. I'm not going back there anytime soon."

"Well obviously, you aren't on the same planet as you were before."

"Even if I wasn't, that place was disgusting."

"I'm sure it wasn't that bad." Frank dismissed.

"It was weird fetish central in Steelport."

"Oh... Yeah okay it seems pretty disgusting now."

"HALT! Who goes there?" A Hellhound in leather armor said.

"Shut up chuck, I've brought this creature here to help us defeat the goddess." Frank told the guard.

"I find it hard to believe that something... So, weak looking could defeat the goddess. It isn't even wearing armor!"

"HEY! I'll have you know, I wore this jacket throughout my gangs domination of Steelport!" Boss defended.

"HA! What gang could possibly take over a city?" The guard belittled, letting out a bellowous laugh.

"The Saints, we took down an international crime organization call the Syndicate. I'm pretty sure I can take on anything you can throw at me." Boss boasted.

"The Goddess controls an army of magical beings that can tear you apart without a second glance. She can also read minds." The guard told her.

"I took down a paramilitary organization with access to infinitely more advanced technology than me, that gun stores happened to sell upgrades and ammo for."

"Sure." The guard said in a disbelieving tone.

"Take a look, then!" Boss said, drawing a level 4 S3x Hammer out of her pocket.

"How did you?" The guard and Frank both said in bewilderment.

"Deep pockets." Was all the explanation they would get.

"That does look pretty advanced." Frank stated as the guard nodded in agreement.

"Yea, I also brought my sniper, .45 shepards, D4th Blossoms, Viper laser rifle, and several different grenade types." Boss told the two, pulling the items in question out of her pockets, including a fart in a jar. "You can go ahead and keep those grenades, I have infinitely more where those came from." Boss told them.

"You may pass." The guard told Boss, who merely shrugged and moved past the guard accompanied by Frank.

"Now remember, don't do anything stupid, I'd really like for my pack to live."

"What the Tartarus is that!" A Hellhound exclaimed.

"Please don't piss her off! She could easily slaughter us all without breaking a sweat." Frank warned as boss did some strange dance, which made Frank want to cheer for some reason.

"How could something like that possibly be a threat to us?" A Hellhound asked.

"Like this." Boss replied, pulling the pin on a grenade and letting it explode in her hand.

"HAHA-OLY SHIT!" The Hellhound yelled as Boss stood there perfectly fine, not even a burn mark or hair out of place.

"Told you. I actually think she's a god."

"I doubt it, if I was that section on my phone labelled cheats would work instead of all the codes calling me a hacking noob."

"Oh, okay then. She's just really, really, really, really, really, really, really fucking hard to kill."

"Yeah, about that hard to kill." Boss concurred.

"Very well, I'm sure that the Elder will be very lenient with your task." The Hellhound said, silently taking bets on how long Boss would survive before the Goddess would beat her into a fine red paste.

After several minutes of walking and an equal number of displays of invincibility, Frank and Boss arrived at the Elders room, a train car with all but one entrance boarded up. After deciding to actually take a look around, Boss discovered the Hellhounds lived in an abandoned metro station, something Steelport was sorely lacking in.

"How quaint." Boss sarcasmed.

"Don't insult the Elders residence." Frank Warned.

"Sorry, it's just I'm used to living it up in luxurious penthouses in massive towering monuments to the saints."

"What?" Frank asked with a confused look on his face, again.

"All saints cribs that I took over are either massive skyscrapers or a heavily modified nuclear power plant." Boss clarified.

"Wow, you must be exceedingly wealthy." Frank said in awe.

"Yeah, though I'm not sure I can use any of it here." Boss sighed, so much money and it was all going to go to waste.

"How much money do you have?" Frank asked as they paused outside of the Elders train car.

"Lemme check." Boss said as she held up her phone. "Twenty six billion dollars. Rounded up to the nearest whole."

"*Incomprehensible gibberish*" Was Frank's answer to the exceedingly high amount of funds Boss had.

"Quit yer gibberin' and come in, damnit!" An old crotchy voice called out from inside the train car.

"Y-yes Elder." Frank stammered.

"Hehe. You're just as scared of him as I am of Oleg." Boss chortled.

"I can't imagine you being afraid of anything." Frank said as he reached for the door handle.

"Take me, then double the height, quadruple the muscle and intelligence, and deduct the nigh invincibility, and you have Oleg." Boss surmised.

"That terrifies me more than it should."

Turning the handle, Frank and Boss entered what could only be described as a mix between a witch doctors hut and a mad scientists laboratory. Weird shamanistic totems and fetishes were strewn around the walls and shelves, whereas mechanical body parts and organs dominated an entire portion of the train car. A small bed was in one corner, with a barely working fridge next to it.

"What terrifies you more than it should?" Elder asked, catching Frank off guard.

"One of this creatures friends." Frank explained.

"Can't be that bad." Elder said, waving his mechanical hand.

"Twice my height, quadruple the muscle and intelligence, enough to throw cars, and you have Oleg."

"That does sound particularly dangerous, but nothing a Hellhound can't handle. Now then, I assume you've been brought here in regards to our plight against the Goddess and her twice damned alicorn army?"

"Yeah, I've got nothing better to do." Boss shrugged, killing a god didn't seem that far out of her normal routine.

"Good, I'll give you a thousand caps to get you started, the rest is up to you." Elder said, handing over a sack of bottle caps, and a weird Hellhound head carved out of diamond. "Show that to any Hellhounds you meet and they'll leave you alone." Elder explained.

"Thanks, shame this place doesn't have any image as designed's. It would just hilarious if I would turn into a giant chrome pink dude with a green Mohawk." Boss reminisced.

"That would probably cause your enemies to break out into an uncontrollable fit of laughter leaving them open for attack." Elder strategically deduced.

"Probably, last time I did it I went zombie hunting." Boss laughing, getting a shocked gasp from Elder.

"How DARE you talk about ghouls that way!" Elder fumed.

"Ghouls? I have no idea what those are, I just go kill zombies for the hell of it."

"You don't have ghouls where you come from?" Elder asked.

"Nah, just those zombies that were created when some gas from a STAG radar plane I took down spilled into the open, I kept some and Oleg analyzed it and turned it into a grenade." Boss said, holding the grenade in question up for all to see.

"That's one way to clear an enemy base, throw one of those in and watch them tear each other to pieces." Frank surmised.

"Yeah, but I usually use it to mess with the SNG."

"Okay, clearly a psychopath, but we can make use of that." Elder said.

"Well, I'd better get going." Boss said, exiting the train car and back tracking through the metro station to the surface.

After walking in a random direction for three hours, Boss was getting confused. Usually she only had to walk for several minutes in any direction before she came across something interesting to kill, but here? There was absolutely nothing for miles around. It was kinda boring actually. Write your name in explosive mollusks boring. Ten minutes of work later, and boss had written out her full real name in mollusks. Without further pause, she detonated each and everyone in a concussive wave of awesomeness that was seen for miles around. Now all she had to do was wait and kill whatever came to investigate.

Boss awoke to the sounds of anguish and moans of pain. She hoped to god she didn't end up in the pony barn. After observing the rape dungeon she was being kept in, Boss tried to break out of the cage she was being held in, with little success. After strategically firing her Mollusk Launcher at every surface she could find, she heard a door open and a group of people enter the room.

"Where'd all these things come from!" One of the people demanded.

"I-I don't know sir, we made sure to chuck the creature in here unarmed. I'm not sure how it did this, but I'll make it." The person threatened.

"Hey boys! Likes my exploding mollusks?" Boss called out, taking a good look at three... ponies? In front of her.

"It can speak? All the more fun we'll have when we rape it to death." One of the ponies cheered, the one in slightly more bloody armor than the other two.

"Clearly you didn't hear the exploding part." Boss reiterated for them.

"If you detonated them, you'd die as well." The obvious leader cockily stated.

"Not really." Boss said, detonating all the mollusks in the room, which then caused a sizable area to be disintegrated. Taking a look around t he massive crater she created, Boss was completely confused. Usually when she exploded things nothing happened to the environment, but here? She could apparently make the landscape her bitch.

"QUICK! KILL IT!" A voice called out from the lip of the crater, as a hail storm of bullets started impacting the area around her, none of them even coming within' a foot of hitting her.

"If you're done shooting at me with your appalling aim, I'd you to allow me to get out of this hole so I can beat you too death with your own spines." Boss told them as she scaled the slope of the crater. Once she reached the top the raiders opened fire on her, this time hitting her at least ten percent of the time. After patiently waiting for them to run out of ammo, Boss yawned. "Okay, my turn." She grinned devilishly, pulling out her .45 Shepards and gunning down each and every raider she saw.

"Surely it's got to run out of ammo soon." Knight Evening Shine said, watching as Boss gunned down a raider encampment populated by eighty or so of the blights, seeming without a pause to reload.

"Uh, I don't think it will." Initiate Redskies pointed out, watching as Boss drew out a large floppy purple dildo and began whacking all the nearby raiders with it, causing them to fly into building or have their spines shattered by the impact.

"That thing may be more deadly than anything short of the Goddess." Evening Shine commented.

"SHIT! It's got a sniper!" Redskies called out, taking cover along with the other six members of her squad.

"Where did it get it from?" Evening shouted as s bullet impacted with the other side of her cover, leaving a gaping hole next to her head. "Retreat! That things sniper could probably pierce Power Armor!" Evening called out, only running away when the rest of her squad was clear. The Elders would want to hear about this threat.

Boss was having a blast, she'd just killed off around eighty raider ponies and had scared off some form of heavily armed squad of ponies watching her from the hill. All-in-all, this was a great day to be a Saint. Or at least it was until three ponies with both a horn and wings showed up.

"THE GODDESS DEMANDS YOUR PRESENCE, CREATURE!" They called at the same time.

"I'm good." Boss told them, shooting them repeatedly with her .45 Shepards, the rounds of which merely bounced off of an invisible shield surrounding the alicorns.

"YOUR PUN WEAPONS CAN"T HARM US, CREATURE!" They bellowed again. Getting a little pissed, Boss equipped her D4th Blossoms and opened fire on the purple alicorn, the rounds easily passing through her shield as it was counted as armor.

"HOW DARE YOU!!!" The other two alicorns screeched. Shrugging, Boss shot them as well. After three minutes of continuously shooting them, Boss lathered the three bodies in Mollusks and exploded them, just to be safe and because she hadn't gibbed anything in awhile. Turning around she came groin-to-face with a captured pony. After stepping back and crouching down Boss greeted it. "Sup?"

"Th-thank you for saving me." She said, leaning forward and giving Boss a kiss on the cheek before running off to join a group of ponies who's scavenged the fallen raiders weapons. Leaving Boss stumped as to what just happened. Seeing their chance, the Steel Rangers closed in for the kill, fully expecting the creature to go down in the hail of missiles and bullets they shot at it. Once the smoke cleared, the Steel Rangers gasped at the perfectly unharmed form of Boss standing in front of them with a strange gun pointed at them shaking her head, then everything became a right light before going black for ever.

Alicornitis

Alicornitis

After taking a quick nap in an abandoned wagon, Boss started trudging off in a random direction, unknowingly being followed. After another three hour sprint, Boss decided to look around for something to sat her appetite. Spotting a dilapidated structure in the distance, she decided to walk there, instead of an all out sprint like she usually does to get around. After three minutes, she noticed several dozen shadows surrounding her.

"THE GODDESS DEMANDS YOUR HEAD!" thirty voices called out as one.

"Neat, I wonder if the Sonic Boom will affect you." Boss said as she pulled out the Sonic Boom.

"DO YOU THINK THE GODDESS TO BE SO WEAK AS TOO-" The voice was cut off as it was replaced b a startled gasp. Boss had just shot the alicorn in front of her with a fully charged Sonic Boom, managing to launch it back twenty meters and shatter its shield.

"Well that's one way to break a shield." She mused, when suddenly the unshielded alicorn's head exploded violently. "Huh. I wonder if someones got my back." Boss said, opening up on the nearby alicorns with the Sonic Boom, taking out their shields for the mysterious sniper.

"HAHA! LETS SEE HOW YOU HANDLE THIS!" The Goddess decried as Boss was launched into the air. After crashing into the ground at terminal velocity, Boss stood up and dusted herself off.

"What was that supposed to accomplish?" She asked as the alicorns stared in awe at her. Taking her opportunity, Boss shot the nearest alicorn with a Sonic Boom and then launched a mollusk at it. After receiving an Ethical the alicorn began attacking its companions.

"WHAT MANNER OF TRICKERY IS THIS?!" The Goddess cried out as Boss kept shooting mollusks at the alicorns.

"It's just something I picked up from Professor Genki." Boss told her, as only one alicorn remained. "Boom baby." Boss called out, detonating each mollusk which in turn caused the mollusked alicorns to explode violently and fall to the ground in pieces. After shooting the last alicorn until its shield gave out, Boss sat down.

"That's some high quality weapons you got yerself." A southern voice called out from behind her.

"Thanks. I spent like a couple hundred grand on the SMGs, Pistols, and shotgun." Boss told the voice as she turned around, coming face-to-face with a brown unicorn stallion.

"Wow, you must be swimmin' in caps!" He said in an excited voice.

"Nah, I just used actual money to get them upgraded at friendly fire." Boss said, wiping some blood off her stolen Deckers uniform.

"Wut?"

"I'm from another planet, possibly even another universe. Where I come from I'm the head of an all powerful gang that now owns a city state."

"So yer a raider?" The unicorn asked, leveling his sniper on Boss.

"No, we're a world renowned brand name. Ultor made sure that we were celebrities."

"Oh, sorry about pointin' mah gun at ya." the unicorn apologized.

"It's alright, it wouldn't have done anything anyway. I'm Boss by the way." She said, holding her hand out for him to shake.

"Ah'm Nettle Stalk, and ah'm a bounty hunter in these parts." He told her, accepting her handshake.

"Nice to meet you, don't supose you know who this 'Goddess' is, do you?"

"You don't know who tha Goddess is?"

"Not from around here, remember?"

"Oh, right. Well tha Goddess is supposedly out to help better ponykind by turnin' us all inta alicorns, unfortunately, once you join 'em, yer gone, fer good." He told her.

"I've fought worse." She shrugged.

"She controls and army a flyin' unicorns, how've you fought worse?"

"I once had to fight off an entire horde of zombies with enough strength to toss a car."

"Are you a bigot?" Nettle asked, narrowing his eyes at her.

"Actual zombies, STAG made some sort of gas that turns people into zombies. Mayor Renalds asked asked me to clean it up for him."

"Must'a been hard."

"Not really, I mean once you get past the fact I nearly turned into a zombie. It was easy as pie, just had to shoot the containers into the river with my Sonic Boom here, and it was done. Of course I kept some so I could have my own friendly zombies, and I also have a zombification grenade." She told him, taking out a zombie grenade.

"Wow, I'd better watch you, don't want nopony getting ahold'a yer weapons." Nettle told her, motioning for her to follow him.

"So, where are we going?" Boss asked.

"To New Apploosa. Its where I'm stayin' at the moment. Cozy little place, once ya get past the fact everypony is packin'."

"Funny, everyone I know at least has a .45 shepard on them at all times."

"What's that?"

"It's only the greatest handgun one can buy, I've upgraded mine with explosive rounds." Boss said, nuzzling one of her .45 Shepard's.

"Yer quite attached to yer pistols, aint ya?"

"Very, I can take down a helicopter with these babies."

"Helicopter?"

"Flying machine."

"Like a sky carriage?"

"Sure, though I'm pretty sure it can actually fly, unlike these sky wagons I've been seeing around. They don't even have an engine."

"Engine? You mean like they have on trains?"

"You're joking, right? How can you not have the internal combustion engine? It's, like, the pinnacle of modern society."

"Well, ah guess didn't need it with all the pegasi to fly us around."

"If I can get my hands on a VTOL, I'm so taking you on a joy ride."

"Why?"

"It shoots energy missiles and has a laser."

"Ooh, it must be pretty expensive to buy one'a those."

"How should I know? I usually just steal 'em from STAG."

"What's STAG?" Nettle asked as they neared the halfway mark to New Apploosa.

"Special Tactical Anti-Gang unit."

"Lemme guess, they were brought in to deal with your gang?"

"As well as the syndicate."

"Ah see, so yer gang was so dangerous, that a special government agency was made to take it down?"

"More like they contracted a paramilitary organization with better everything than us to take down all gangs."

"Ah see, so how're you still here?"

"You can't beat the saints."

"Gonna elaborate on that?"

"Nope."

"Fine, we're three minutes away from New Apploosa anyway."

"H-how did you know that?" Boss asked, taking a step away from Nettle, thinking he was a witch.

"Ah've got me a Pip-buck, fancy little machine."

"I see, I still think my phones better." Boss told him, holding up her touch screen smart phone, that still somehow had internet access.

"Wow, that's pretty small, you sure it'll hold up against some of the deadlier weapons?"

"It's survived me taking over an entire city. I'm sure it can take a missile or two." At that moment Boss' phone was hit by a sniper bullet, completely destroying it. "Fuck."

"Get down!" Nettle called from behind a wall.

"Why?" Boss asked as a sniper bullet impacted her leg, ripping through it completely. "... DIE MOTHER FUCKER!!" She yelled out, opening fire in the direction of the shooter.

"Aren't yah gonna pass out from the pain?" Nettle asked from his hiding spot.

"After I kill this fucker." Boss replied, hearing a disappointing click come from her SMGs. "That's not good." She stated, completely confused as to why her guns stopped working, until she took another bullet to the leg, causing her to stumble and nearly drop her SMGs.

"Get behind cover!" Nettle called out, scanning the area with his snipers scope. Boss replied with a nod of her head, stumbling over to Nettle.

"What's happening to me? I feel... I feel weak." Boss told Nettle, before passing out from blood loss.

"Ah shit!" Nettle swore, this just was not going well. Then a burst of light emanated from Boss's unconscious form. "What now." Nettle sighed, taking the days events in stride, the mental breakdown could wait until he had alcohol. Once the light faded, he looked upon the prone form of a unicorn, a unicorn with a dark cyan mane and, of all the oddities, a chrome blue coat. Her cutie mark was two pistols crossed over a fluer de lis. Nettle noted that they appeared to be the same type as Boss' prized .45 Shepard's.

"Sigh." Nettle said as he zeroed in on the sniper and shot them through the eye. "This had better not turn out to be something bad." He mumbled to himself, hoisting Boss up onto his back so he could carry her back to New Apploosa.

"Ugh, what happened?" Boss asked, rubbing her head with her hooves.

"Uh, you got shot in the legs and then passed out. Ah had ta drag ya here."

"Okay, I already knew that, I just meant, WHY THE FUCK AM I A PONY!!!" She yelled at the top of her lungs, easily being heard all the way to the hoof.

"Uh, yer phone thingy got destroyed and after you passed out you sorta turned inta a unicorn." Nettle explained, rubbing his ears in a hope to get the ringing out.

"Oh... Well this sucks." Boss stated, calmly.

"Yer not made that yer a pony?"

"Not really, I've probably had worse happen."

"Really?" Nettle asked.

"Yeah, I just can't remember them since they happened on drug trips."

"Ah don't know what a drug trip is, but it must be something bad if worse things than this have happened ta ya."

"I got high and did some random shit. The only one I remember was me getting drugged by a rival gang and ending up killing my way back to my gangs main case of operations and saving Shaundi."

"Who's Shaundi?"

"An old friend, she was killed by STAG whilst I was hunting down Killbane."

"That must'a been terrible."

"Well when STAG brought in the Daedalus and started destroying the city, I had to cut the mourning short and go single handedly take out an airship with enough firepower to level a small country."

"You've taken down airships?"

"Just the one." Boss clarified as she stumbled around the room trying to learn how to walk again.

"Ah see."

"Getting around this place would be so easy if I had a helicopter or plane." Boss said to no one in particular, letting out a little cheer when she managed to walk in a straight line.

"Wow, now ya just need ta learn ta use yer magic and then ya can go scavenging with me."

"Magic? I can do magic?! AWESOME!" Boss cheered, accidentally exploding a bed on the opposite side of the room. "Whops." She sheepishly replied.

"Ah'll be back with some rudimentary magic tomes fer ya. Just stay here and don't explode anything."

"I won't." After Nettle left Boss heard another pony enter the room.

"Ah, you're awake. I'd just like to run some tests on you, nopony I know of could be shot in the legs and have them heal in less than a day." A unicorn with an orange mane and chestnut brown coat explained.

"I guess so, I mean it's not like you're gonna try and rape me, right?" Boss said to the stallion.

"Sure... I'm not going to rape you." He said, looking around.

"You're not the actual doctor, are you?" Boss deadpanned.

"Correct, I was hired to take you to Redeye."

"Well I'm fine right here, thank you very much." Boss stated, sitting down and becoming an immovable object.

"I'm afraid you don't have a choice." The stallion explained.

"I still have my guns you know."

"You mean these guns?" He asked, holding up all of Boss' guns.

"YOU DIE NOW!" Boss yelled, suddenly charging the unicorn in front of her with impossible speed. The unicorn barely had enough time to dodge her attack, let alone have enough time to recover before her second charge. Boss stood over the mystery unicorn with a triumphant look on her face. "Any last words?" She asked with a smirk.

"Hope you enjoy the slave pits." He smiled, right before everything became white.

Once Boss could see again, she found herself in a cage with a strange collar around her neck. She could hear screams of agony coming from around her, there were cages stuffed with ponies hanging from the cieling around her. She also noticed there was several raiders torturing and raping ponies.

"Ah, the fresh meat's awake. BOYS! It's time to break in the newbie! HAHAHA!" One of the raiders called out, approaching Boss' cage.

"I don't think so." She said, narrowing her eyes. Just as the raider was about to open her cage, Boss busked with all her strength, removing the cage door with enough force to send it, and the raider, across the room with enough force to crack the wall.

"Hohoho! We got us a fighter." Another one of the raiders called out, before getting smacked in the head.

"You see this?" A posh sounding unicorn mare asked her, levitating a detonator. "This will trigger the explosives in your collar, all I have to do is press this button and pop, your head is gone. Now be a good little pony and let my boys here have their fun." She explained.

"Or, I could disarm the collar and beat you all to death." She smartly retorted.

"I doubt it... I really shouldn't taunt ponies with chrome coats." The posh unicorn deadpanned.

"Yeah." Boss told her, before launching out of her cage and smashing the closest raiders head together. "Now, how do I get out of here?" She asked politely, throwing the deceased raiders corpses in either direction. The unicorn hesitated, before finally sighing.

"Very well, follow me." She said in a resigned voice.

"Good, now lead on my pony guide." Boss giggled, severely creeping out anyone who heard.

After a good twenty minutes walk, Boss' captive stopped at a door. "This is the exit, once you go past it, you're on your own." The mare explained, slowly backing away.

"Thanks." Boss told her, right before snapping her neck and bucking the door off its hinges. "Surprise, Cockmunchers!" She called out, only to be met with silence from the six ponies in the room she'd been led to.

"Ah, so you're the mysterious pony Highhoof brought in a little while ago. Welcome, I am Redeye."

"I'm out." Boss said, turning around and heading towards the door, which promptly slammed shut.

"But you haven't heard my business proposal. You join me, and I left you live. Otherwise I have my friends here kill you."

"Fuck off." Boss taunted, raising both her forelegs before remembering she didn't have hands anymore. All at once, the five guards in the room charged towards Boss, who expertly popped a tab on a Saints Flow she kept for emergencies. Downing the whole thing in one go, she let out a small burp, before becoming enveloped in light. Once the light faded, Redeye and his five guards felt their jaws impact the ground. Standing in front of them was a massive chrome blue alicorn with enough visible muscle to tear through a stable door.

"... Open fire!" One of the Guards shouted, opening fire on Boss, being followed shortly afterwards by the other four guards. After a full two minutes of continuous shooting, Boss finally spoke up.

"That all you got?" She asked with a smirk, causing at least one guard to drop their weapons, before tearing them to shreds with telekinesis. "I'll let you live, but only because I want to build up my resources before going on an all-out campaign against you." She told him, before disappearing in a flash of blue.

"... She has a drink that can turn her into an alicorn. I must have it." Redeye thought to himself, calling for more guards to some and clean up the mess in his office.