Try Not To Die!

by Regidar

Rating: teen
Tags: Fluttershy, Princess Celestia, Pinkie Pie, Crossover, Human, Twilight Sparkle, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 12908

Moira Brown finds herself in Equestria after a mishap with some alien technology.

Zach, the Lone Wanderer, just returned after clearing out an alien mothership. With him, he brought some pretty interesting technology. After selling it off to Craterside Supplies's very own Moira Brown, the scientist/engineer/possibly-slightly-entirely insane woman tinkers around. Soon, she's off to a place full of new things to force her experiments on...

Published 2013-01-02 18:30:01 UTC
Last updated 2013-05-09 21:29:54 UTC

The Scientist

“Now hold still...” Moira reached into her jumpsuit pocket and pulled out a syringe. It had been cleaned when her suit had been washed by several palace servants, but still looked none-too safe. “If I can get your neck...”

Twilight teleported behind Celestia’s throne at the feel of needle touching her neck. “Gah! What are you doing?” Twilight poked her head out from behind the throne, and looked up at Celestia. “Is she safe to work with?”

Celestia’s gaze shifted between Twilight and Moira for a few moments before she removed her royal hindquarters from sitting position. “Moira, my dear, I must ask you not to perform any experiments on my little ponies unless you gain their consent first, alright? I want to avoid any nasty... um, accidents.”

Moira sighed. “Oh alright. You really are no fun, y’know?” With a shake of her head, she put the syringe back into her jumpsuit pocket. “So what’s the plan from here? Are you going to show me Equestria? Ooh! I bet there’s all sorts of things for me to research.”

Twilight smiled. “I’m liking her a bit better now.”

“Moira, did you know that Twilight lives in a library?” Celestia’s voice had lost the “I’m-a-bit-annoyed-that-you-tried-to-get-a-blood-sample-from-my-student” tone that had been present a moment earlier.

Moira’s face lit up like a child who had been loosed into a candy store. “A library? Zach told me there was one still in downtown DC... but almost all the books were wrecked.”

“A library where all the books are wrecked?” Twilight’s mind struggled to comprehend such a horror. Those books... those poor books. What kind of horrible monsters would do that?

“Yeah, radiation has a nasty habit of destroying paper...” Moira sighed. “It’s a shame, really. I sometimes wonder how much knowledge we lost to our own follies.” The scientist shook her head, as if that were enough to scorn humanity for its shortcomings. “But, good things have come out of the fallout! We’ve got mole ratties, which I’ve been able to tame after declawing, de-fanging, and lobotomizing them. I tried to make an easier way of taming them with a few leftover chems, but after I had Zachy test it out on some live specimens, we found out that it... kinda killed them. Didn’t really work out too well...”

Twilight took a few moments to process this. The proverbial toaster of her mind told her that Moira perhaps was a bit more off her rocker than she had initially analyzed.

“So, um,” Twilight stammered, hoping to move on from the subject of lobotomies and destroyed books, “who is this ‘Zachy’?”

“He’s the Wasteland’s personal saviour,” Celestia told her student, allowing Moira the gift of not explaining anything she already had all over again. “He helped purify their water, kicked out an oppressive government, and in general defends the weak.”

The lavender unicorn took another moment to process this. She had a feeling that this was going to become a common occurrence. “What kind of world did she come from?”

“Well, it’s honestly not that bad,” Moira said with a slight chuckle.

“Your general populace doesn’t have access to pure water, you had an oppressive government that needed a rebellion to get rid of it, and something called ‘radiation’ destroyed almost all the books!” Twilight cried out in exasperation. “How could it get worse?”

“It couldn’t be habitable at all. Things could always get worse,” Moira reasoned. “I, for one, and very thankful Zachy came along. He pulled us out of a pretty bad mess.”

Twilight gave Moira a skeptical look. “Well, ok then. I still don’t think-” The unicorn was interrupted by a sudden surprised gasp from the scientist.

“You’re one of the Elements of Harmony!” Moira walked over to the stained glass picture of Discord, who was being zapped by six beams of light. Moira looked down at the purple stained glass figure, and looked over Twilight. “Not exactly a perfect likeness, but it’s you!”

“Yes, I’m the Element of Magic,” Twilight said with the hint of a smug grin. “The rest of the Elements are back in Ponyville...”

“Yes, I heard!” Moira looked over at Celestia. “Is she here to take me to Ponyville? I hope so! I haven’t really been to many places, so I always enjoy heading out! And this time, I’m almost entirely certain that I won’t be ripped to bits by a super mutant!”

“Almost entirely certain?”

Moira nodded cheerfully at the royal alicorn’s question. “One can never be certain, can they? That’s one of the many things I learned in the science field! One day, something you thought previously will just get smashed to bits by a new discovery. Just because you haven’t seen any super mutants in Equestria, doesn’t mean they’re not out there hiding in holes!”

Twilight scoffed a bit at this, and rolled her eyes. “I’m fairly certain we don’t have these ‘super mutants’ here in- did you say holes?”

“We-ll...” Moira looked off to the side with an embarrassed grin. “I haven’t had that much first hand encounters with them, but after a few accounts from Zachy, I think they live in holes!”

"Oh, since you have a source to back it up, I suppose you-”

“But Zachy was whacked out on jet when I talked to him,” Moira interrupted once more, earning her a slightly annoyed look from Twilight and an impish grin from Celestia. “So I don’t think he was quite a reliable source since he was also yelling about squirrels and someone named ‘Amata’. But, that’s more than I get out of most survivors of super mutant attacks, most of which just scream in horror.”

Twilight and Celestia both stared at Moira in horrified silence. Moria continued on, her happiness unaffected. “So, are we going to go to Ponyville? I want to take a look at some of the books in Twilight’s library!”

Celestia shot Twilight a look. Twilight blinked quickly and smiled nervously. “Um, yes! Come with me, I’ll show you how we’re getting there!” The unicorn set off down the throne room towards the large doors, the peppy scientist at her hooves.

As the two walked down through the castle’s many corridors and pathways, Moira questioned the purple pony beside her. “So, what are your friends like? You know, the other Elements of Harmony?”

Twilight’s smile transitioned from nervous to genuine at hearing this. “Oh, they’re just great. There’s Rarity, the Element of Generosity and resident fashionista; there’s Rainbow Dash, the Element of Loyalty and a weather pony; Pinkie Pie, the Element of Laughter and a frequent party thrower. I think you’ll like her!”

Moira made a mental note of this. “Well, generosity isn’t unheard of in the wastes... but people generally hold onto whatever they can. Loyalty is something we value, though! Zachy will be loyal to Megaton until the end, I’m positive of it! He’s really got his priorities straight.” Moira paused for a moment. “I can’t think of anyone who could be the Element of Laughter. Everyone’s so grumpy all the time! I keep telling them to keep their spirits up, but they mostly just yell at me.” Moira sighed, and Twilight giggled. “Still, I’ll look forward to meeting her!”

“Oh, I don’t doubt it,” Twilight remarked, laughing a bit. “We’ve also got Applejack, the Element of Honesty. She and her family are the owners and workers on Sweet Apple Acres, the biggest apple orchard on this side of Canterlot. Last but not least, there’s Fluttershy, who’s the Element of Kindness. She takes care of a lot of the animals.”

“Takes care of the animals?” Moira was practically bursting with excitement. “Ooh, I wonder if she’ll let me experiment on them!”

“Um, I wouldn’t count on that...”

The two were now standing on a large balcony that overlooked Canterlot, and out into the rest of Equestria. It was a breathtaking scene. Green forests and rolling hills, small towns here and there, dotting the landscape and adding to the beauteousness of the scene.

“Wow... And here I’m used to looking and the skeletal remains of a giant empire wiped out in a nuclear holocaust!” Moira observed. “Really puts things in perspective.”

Twilight gave Moira a somewhat disdainful look. “Every time you talk, you make me feel guilty about living in Equestria. Well... I guess you were right about it putting things into perspective...”

Moira opened her mouth to respond, but was immediately sidetracked when she caught a glimpse of the royal chariot that Twilight had arrived in. The two royal guard pegasi who had pulled the chariot were discussing a matter of great importance upon Moira’s arrival.

“So what I’m saying, Cloud, is that if you ever want this relationship to work, you’ve gotta be powerful! You’ve got to be commanding!” The first one was saying in a zealous tone.

The guard named Cloud Strider meekly responded with a false sense of confidence. “Yeah, you’re right, Rain Breaker! I’m having the drapes my color!” His voice trembled as he spoke.

Rain Breaker patted on his armored back. “Glad I could help, buddy.”

“Interesting,” Moira said, to herself more than anyone. “So they have winged ponies carry around the chariots. Talk about literal horsepower!”

The guards looked over at the human. Expressions blank, they stared at this strange new creature. Their minds were unable to comprehend what they saw for a few moments, before Rain Breaker broke the silence.

“Dear sweet Celestia, what is that thing?” the pegasus’s voice was one of abject horror. Cloud Strider, instead of answering, decided to play it safe and faint rather than to wait around to find out.

“Oh, sorry!” Twilight’s face burned with embarrassment. “This is Moira Brown! She’s a human that Princess Celestia... erm, found.”

The still conscious pegasus cringed. “Geez, a little bit of notice first? I want to know if I’m going to have the croup scared off of me before it happens!” He looked down at the passed-out pony next to him. “Ey, Strider! Get up!” He kicked his partner a few times.

“But Mommy, I don’t want to join the circus...” the unconscious one mumbled, causing the others quite a bit of confusion. Moira was the exception, who merely smiled wholeheartedly.

“I’m sure she had a good reason for wanting him there,” Moira reasoned.

Twilight trotted to Cloud Strider. “Here, I’ve got a spell that should help.” The unicorn’s horn lit up, and a blast of electricity shot from it.

“Cloud, who had fainted from a shock, was awoken by a shock. Fitting,” the other royal guard said with a bit of a laugh.

“You can create electricity from your horn?” Moira asked in astonishment. “Oh, this is wonderful!”

“Actually, it was synthetic lightning created through magic,” Twilight explained. “I suppose I should have mentioned that we could use magic earlier...”

“Oh, I gathered that from Celestia. I do have a knack for noticing things!” Moira gave Twilight a bit of a searching look, as though she was evaluating her entirety. “I wonder where your magic comes from. Really, a simple blood test would really clear some things up-”

Twilight coughed loudly, and trotted over to the carriage. “Well, it’s about time we got going! I’m sure all my friends in Ponyville are just dying to meet you!”

“Alrighty then!” Moira stepped into the carriage, the side going up to about her waist.

Twilight looked at the human’s size in comparison to the chariot. “Yeah, you may want to crouch a bit...”

Moira did so, leaning forward a bit as she did this, her head coming close to Cloud Strider’s wings.

“You don’t seem very aerodynamic...” Moira brushed her fingers along side the chariot-pulling guard’s wing feathers. “I wonder if it’s got something to do with your feathers...”

Cloud Strider looked at Rain Breaker with a worried look. The other guard was trying best he could not to burst out laughing.

Cloud groaned. “This is going to be a very long ride...”

Karma Police

Thanks to EricKilla for editing and proofreading this chapter!

The chariot glided to a halt on onto the Town Center. The two guards who had been pulling it whinnied as they dug their hooves into the dirt to bring it to a complete stop.

“That was fun!” Moira exclaimed. Cloud Strider had had an entirely different experience, but he was currently trying to forget that.

“Well, I’m glad you thought so,” Twilight muttered under her breath. An avid researcher herself, Moira’s constant babbling and general Pinkie Pie-ness had grated on her nerves.

“I can’t wait to get acquainted with the town!” Moira turned in a semicircle, observing her surroundings. The vivid colors that Equestria possessed seemed to be somewhat amplified in this setting. Various ponies were out wandering, going about their business. None of them had noticed the strange alien in their presence just yet.

“I think that I should probably get you into the library first before we have any sort of... undesirable reactions to you.” Twilight said, taking a glimpse around. “I’ll see if I can cast an illusion spell on you...”

Twilight screwed up her eyes, and shot a bolt of magical energy at Moira. The woman felt a slight tingling sensation as she was enveloped in the magic.

“Hm, I don’t appear any different...” Moira said as she observed herself. Twilight chuckled at this.

“That’s because you’re not native to this dimension, at least that’s what I assume from Celestia having pulled you out of wherever she did.” Twilight flicked her ear absent-mindedly. “It happened when we were attacked by wolf-squids a few months ago.”

“Wolf-squids...” Moira tapped her chin thoughtfully. “Interesting! I may have to do some studies on those creatures, they sound magnificent!”

Twilight’s smile grew ever-so-slightly. “I do have some notes in the library, if you want to look at them...”

Moira squealed, which startled the royal guards who had brought them here. “I’d love to see them! I hear squids were related to crabs, so I can use some of your notes to see if there are any parallels to Mirelurks!”

Twilight giggled, and lead the giddy human over to the Golden Oaks Library. The door swung open to reveal a veritable paradise for Moira. Rows upon rows of unspoiled and unburned books. The human’s jaw dropped as she ogled at the huge array of knowledge before her.

“Oh my... I’ve never seen so many pure, unspoiled books in front of me all at once!” Moira walked in, and ran her fingers over the spines of the many leather-bound tomes. “In fact, I don’t think I’ve ever seen so many unspoiled books, period!”

“I’m glad you like it!” Twilight said with a hint of smugness to her voice. Moira selected a book at random and read the title aloud.

“A Journey to White Wolf Mountain...” She brushed a few ants from the cover, and smiled. Twilight cringed at the ants, and opened her mouth to holler.

“Spike! There were ants in the ‘A’ Section!”

“Zachy was always terrified of ants...”

The unicorn raised an eyebrow. “Why is that?”

“Well, not always... after he went to Greyditch, he came back covered in burns and screaming about how so man named ‘Doctor Lesko’ had ruined his life. He was very high on psycho and jet... after that, he wouldn't even so much as LOOK at ant meat...”

A small thud was heard from upstairs, and a scampering of claws resounded through the treehouse. Moira turned to see the closest thing to a human that had crossed her path so far on her journey running towards them.

He was reptilian, but was standing upright with like a hominid. He possessed a green underbelly, but the rest of his scales were purple. Upon his cheeks were frills, also green. Large green frills also ran down from the top of his head to the tip of his tail, getting progressively smaller as they went further down.

The creature spoke. “Yes, Tw- Um, why is that book floating?”

“Oh, the illusion charm must still be up,” Twilight said with a shake of her head. “Hold on a sec, Spike.”

Twilight focused her magic on Moira, and in an instant, she was visible again. Spike fell back in shock at seeing the new creature, seemingly incapable of comprehending what was before him.

“Twilight... what IS that thing?”

“Hey, now that’s not very nice,” Moira said in a bit of a hurt voice.

“Oh, um...” Spike was not prepared for it to talk. “Well...”

“Oh, it doesn’t really matter, I am a bit strange compared to the rest of you!” Moira’s smile returned.

“Spike, this is Moira Brown. She is the owner of the Craterside Supply General Store, and a human. Moira, this is Spike. He is my personal assistant, and a dragon,” Twilight said, introducing the two.

“So that’s what a dragon looks like!” Moira exclaimed excitedly.

“What’s a human?” Spike asked, obviously still very baffled by the whole experience.

“Who?” An owl hooted from its perch.

“Ahem,” Twilight cleared her throat. “Spike, a human is an out of dimension being of that belongs to the war-torn planet of Earth; Moira, Spike is still a baby dragon, so I’ll have to show you some pictures and diagrams of full grown dragons to strengthen your spectrum.” The owl flew down from the perch, and landed gracefully onto Twilight’s back. “Oh, and of course, this is Owlowiscious. He’s my pet owl!”

Moira examined Owlowiscious further. “Hm, so that’s what a real live owl is like. My books described them as less... boxy.”

Owlowiscious gave a small indigent hoot. Moira raised her arm and patted the owl all the same. “But you’re still beautiful!”

Spike was still staring at Moira lopsidedly. “A human, huh?”

The scientist turned to the dragon, her red hair swishing a bit as she did so. “Yup! Homo sapiens if you want to get technical.”

Spike continued to stare on at her in wonderment for a few moments before turning to Twilight. “Um... what is it that you wanted me to do?”

“Oh yes, Spike! I need you to check if there’s an ant nest in the ‘A’ section!”

Spike giggled. “See, it’s funny because ‘ant’ starts with ‘a’...”

Twilight gave Spike a blank look, but Moira joined the giddy dragon in his giggling. Spike smiled and shot a thumb back at the human. “I like her.”

After Spike went off to check the shelves, Twilight approached Moira. “So, what do you want to start studying on first?”

Moira’s grin faltered for a second. “Oh, I don’t know where to start! Dragons seem like a fascinating subject, but I would like to know more on the history of your country. And I can’t even begin to describe on how much I’d like to observe your social structure and native creatures!”

Twilight put a hoof to her chin. “Hmm... tell you what. I’ll get you started on a book about dragon physiology while I draw up a list and schedule for all the things you want to get done!”

The human nodded cheerfully. “Sounds like a plan to me!”

Twilight levitated a quill and inkpot over to herself. Settling on a nice long roll of parchment, she began to mutter to herself as she planned out the next few days.

Moira headed off to the “D” section of the library, and after passing books on Danny J, deserts, Death Colt for Cutie, and drowsiness, she came across a rather large textbook entitled Dragons of Equestria: A Complete Guide.

Settling down on the floor with her back propped to the shelves, Moira prepared to get started when something in her back pocket poked into her skin.

“Ow! What’s this?” Unzipping the pocket, she rustled through it to pull out a small remote control-looking device with a small screen on it. Moira’s grin reached critical levels upon this discovery.

“I still have it! Ooh, I hope it still works...” Moira aimed the device at Twilight, who was now triple-checking her list for grammar errors and spelling mistakes. With a click of the small green button just below the screen, the device made a few beeps and clicks, and a green image appeared on the device. A halo with the number “3986” next to it. Quite a high karma level, but that was only to be expected from an Element of Harmony.

“Oh my... that’s quite a high level!” Moira next aimed the device at Spike, where it too registered a halo, instead with the number “997” next to it.

Twilight, who was far too engrossed in her list making to notice the noises, didn’t react to this. Spike, however, walked over to Moira to see what had caused the commotion.

“What’s that you’ve got there?” The curious dragon asked the red-haired woman.

“Oh, this is my Karma Detector!”

Spike scratched his head. “A ‘Kramer’ Detector?”

Moira chuckled. “No, silly! A Karma Detector! When you do good things, you get good karma! When you do bad things you lose karma, and particularly bad people have negative Karma. The Pip-Boy 3000 has a built in Karma detector, but it’s only used on a personal level. So, I used parts from broken ones to build one that can detect other people’s karma’s from a decent range!”

Spike nodded his head, pretending he was following where the shop owner was going with this. Moira proceeded to continue with her explanation.

“I’ve managed to utilize their scoring system as well. Small acts of kindness give you five points, and heroic deeds can sometimes earn you up to one thousand!” Moira gave her device a quizzical look. “I’m still not sure how they managed to come up with this technology, but it appears as though some of the chips and boards in here are able to regulate your brain waves and have a built in morality database in which to compare it to.”

Spike licked his lips. “Chips?”

Again, Moira laughed. “Not those kinds of chips! These chips are pieces of circuitry that computers hold pieces of information and electronic discharges on!”

Spike’s eyes became unfocused again, and he nodded as though he understood. Moira looked out the library window. “Look at all the ponies out there... I wonder what their karma levels are...”

The curious scientist pushed herself to her feet, and headed to the door. She pushed it open, blinking a bit in the bright Equestrian Sunlight, and looked all around at the town. A brown pony was talking to a light magenta mare off in the distance. Clicking the Karma Detector at them, it registered a neutral “5” from the brown colt, and a good “175” from the light magenta female.

“Oh my goodness, what is that?” Moira turned around to see a white unicorn with a purple, well-styled mane staring with an odd sort of disgusted curiosity at her. The mare was accompanied by three younglings: A white one which looked like she could be related to the elder, an orange pegasus, and a normal yellow coated one with a pink bow in its red mane. All were female.

“Yeah, what is that thing?” The orange filly’s voice was filled with a sort of brash curiosity. The white one hung back a bit behind the older mare, but the yellow one with the pink bow in her mane trotted up.

“Wow, ya look so odd!” The little filly walked a small circle around Moira, who used the chance she had to get a Karma reading on the foal. It registered as a neutral “25”.

“Oh, and what is that strange contraption you’re holding?” Moira looked up at the older pony, who was not staring with a reserved curiosity at her electronic device.

“Oh this?” Moira said, catching the four ponies all off guard. “It’s my Karma Detector!”

The eldest was the first to recover. “Erm... what does that exactly do?”

Moira gave the four of them the same lecture she gave Spike in the library. The orange pegasus and the yellow filly seemed a bit confused by the talk, but the two white unicorns seemed to have at least some comprehension to what the Karma Detector did.

“I see... would you mind giving me a reading on my karma, darling?” The white one’s whole disposition had changed to one of moderate pleasantness. “I’m Rarity, by the way. This is my sister Sweetie Belle,” she pointed a hoof to the tiny white unicorn foal. “Apple Bloom,” this time she gestured to the little filly with the bow in her mane that was almost the same color as Moira’s hair. “And this is Scootaloo.”

“Hey, how come I’m always last?” The little orange filly protested with a bit of an angry jolt to her voice.

Moira grinned and shook Rarity’s hoof. “I’m Moira Brown! Just a visitor here, I’m afraid, but I’m going to try and make the best of my time out on your lovely world!”

Rarity nodded. “Yes, Ponyville is quite a charming town, if a bit small. But I trust you are still giving the karma reading for us?”

“Oh, of course!” Moira pointed the device at Rarity, who closed her eyes with a dainty cringe as Moira examined her karma levels.

“Hm...” there was a green halo with the number “2069” next to it. “You’ve got a 2069! You’ve been quite an astonishing pony!”

Rarity blushed. “Oh please, I’ve not been that good...”

Moira squinted at the unicorn before her. “Huh, you seem... familiar...”

Rarity’s eyes lit up with little stars. “You’ve heard of my fashion line, perhaps? My dresses? My scarves?”

Moira scratched the side of her left cheek. “No... No, I recognize you now! You’re from the stained glass in Canterlot! You’re an Element of Harmony!”

“Oh yes, that,” Rarity said with a roll of her eyes. “Well, I was hoping you recognized me for some of my fashion expeditions, but...”

“No wonder you have such a high karma level!”

“Do me next! Do me!” Scootaloo squealed, hopping up and down while her little orange wings buzzed. Moira aimed the Karma Detector at the hopping pegasus.

“You’ve got a nice readout of a ‘20’!”

Scootaloo giggled as Sweetie Belle stepped forward. “Oh, can you read mine next?”

Moira did so, and Sweetie Belle received a readout of “30”. Apple Bloom requested hers, and it was told to her. Soon, the three little fillies were chattering on about their karma scores. Rarity smiled down at them. “Now girls...”

“Yeah, ‘girls’,” came a snotty and rude voice. All of them turned to see a pink filly and a silver one walk towards them.

“Holy crap, what are you?” the pink one said with abject horror directed at Moira.

“Ugh, go away Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon!” Scootaloo’s voice was filled with contempt.

“Yah, we don’ want you ruinin’ our time with Moira!” Apple Bloom said to back up her friend.

“So that’s what this thing is? A ‘Moira’?” Diamond Tiara gave Moira a disdainful look. “And what is that you’re holding.”

“That’s my Karma Detector!” Moira said, the rotten attitude of Diamond Tiara not affecting her in any visible way.

“Yeah, that doesn’t tell me what it does,” the spoiled filly said rather rudely.

“It lets ya know if ya’ve been good ‘r bad, right Moira?” Apple Bloom looked up at Moira for support.

“Well, it’s a bit more complicated than that, but more or less!” Moira nodded, confirming Apple Bloom statement.

“Ok then,” Diamond Tiara said confrontationally. “Read my ‘karma’ then!”

“Yeah!” Her friend, Silver Spoon, said.

“Alright then...” Moira pressed the Karma Detector’s button. It beeped rather loudly, and flashed a pair of devil horns with the number “100” next to it.

“Oh!” Moira shook her head. “Sorry about this, but it looks like you haven’t been the best behaved pony out there. You’ve got a bad karma of 100.”

Diamond Tiara’s mouth hung open. “100?”

Moira nodded cheerfully, while the fillies behind her giggled madly. Even Rarity was holding back a smile.

“Come on, Silver Spoon, let’s get out of here,” Diamond Tiara told her compatriot. “It’s dumb anyway...”

The two rude foals scampered away, and Sweetie Belle broke out laughing, soon to be joined by her other friends. “Wow, Moira! You sure showed them!”

“Oh, I didn’t really do anything,” Moira said modestly. “It’s just the magic of science that showed on through!”

“Well, you certainly put them in their place,” Rarity remarked. Moira smiled brightly.

“Moira, there you are, did anypony see you-” The group turned to look at the new voice, only to see Twilight rushing from the library. “Oh no. Listen, girls, I can explain-”

“Oh Twilight, you don’t need to explain anything!” Rarity told her worried purple friend. “We’ve already become comfortably acquainted with Moira here. She’s quite the scientist.”

Twilight stopped dead her tracks. “What?”

“Yes, she’s quite an interesting... um, well... what is she, exactly?”

“She’s not supposed to have left the library,” Twilight said through her teeth.

“Twilight, do you think you might be overreacting to this? I mean, nopony got hurt, and-”

Twilight grabbed Rarity’ shoulders, her face holding an expression of utmost urgency. “No, Rarity! She is a creature not natural to this dimension, the likes of which nopony has probably ever seen before! I need to approach this situation very delicately, or else-”

“Hi, Twilight! Hi Rarity! Hi Scootaloo, Sweetie Belle, and Apple Bloom,” came a peppy and bouncy voice which did not belong to Moira, but rather a certain pink party pony. “What’re you all up to?”

Twilight facehoofed. “Before something like this happened...”

Waste

The door to the Craterside General Store creaked open, and the sheriff himself sauntered in through the door. His hat dusty, his overcoat frayed, and his rifle at his side. Just as usual.

Ok Zach. Act natural. Zach licked his lips to moisten them, as they had become dry from anticipation. “H-h-h-h-hey! Lucas Simms! My man, what brings you to the Craterside Supply?”

Lucas arched an eyebrow. “Zach? Is that really you?” His eyelids narrowed. “You been doing drugs again?”

Zach sighed. “Whatever. What do you want to buy, Simms?”

Lucas took a look around. “Where’s Moira, Zach? Normally you’re out getting buzzed and blowing the heads off raiders, not shopkeeping. Did something happen to her?”

Zach laughed rather loudly and uncharacteristically. “No, nothing’s wrong! Moira just went to... Rivet City! To get some... um... pieces for this new machine she’s working on!”

“Moira usually sends someone else to go get things for her, Zach.”

Zach began to sweat slightly. “Well, Moira works in mysterious ways, Simms.”

“Look, Wanderer.” The sheriff walked to the counter and rested his arm there, staring Zach straight in the eyes. “I know you’re a charismatic fellow. I know you’re good at smooth talking, bargaining, convincing, and fooling people. But you just can’t lie to me. I know something is wrong. And if anything happened to Moira, I don’t care how many towns you’ve saved, bombs you’ve disarmed, or organizations you’ve taken down, you will find this entire town on your ass faster than a radroach on a Salisbury Steak. Understood?”

The Lone Wanderer and the sheriff stared at each other, an odd sort of staring match that would definitely would have not ended any time soon if a rogue piece of dust had not landed in Zach’s eye.

Rubbing his tearing seeing orb, which I could have easily described as an eye if I were a better author, Zach scowled at the sheriff. “What do you want to buy, Lucas?”

“I need some stimpacks. I used the last one when Hadron fell running down the steps the
other day.”

“Why not get some from Doc Church?”

Lucas Simms scoffed at the mere mention of this idea. “Zach, the guy’s an ass! As much as I appreciate how he keeps the people of Megaton not-dead, if I’m gonna be getting my pharmaceuticals from anywhere, it’s gonna be here. Moira deserves the business. That fuck...” Lucas looked around as if he were afraid that the medic would show up and castrate him sans-anesthetic right there and then. “Well, let’s just say the patients he pulls in are already enough for him.”

Zach half-smiled. “Did something happen between you two?”

Lucas sighed. “Zach, you’ve live in Megaton long enough to know that no one in this town likes him. And I still haven’t forgotten about Moira, just give me some stimpacks, I’ll pay you, and we can be done with it.”

Zach shrugged, and accepted the caps. Reaching under the counter, he pulled up the stimpacks, and The Lone Wanderer delivered the healing drugs into the hands of the sheriff.

Lucas Simms sighed, and adjusted his hat. “I’m giving you one week, Zach, and if Moira isn’t back by then, there will be hell to pay. And this will be unlike any other hell you’ve been through, Zach.”

“Oh, you mean like the hell of losing a father?”

There was no noise for a few moments, and then Simms turned his back on The Lone Wanderer. “We all lose people, Zach.”

The sheriff left without another word.

Zach stared at the closed door for few more moments, then exhaled heavily. “Man, that got depressing far too quickly for my tastes.” The irony of that statement sunk in for a few moments, and then Zach decided that he needed to take a little break.

Heading out from behind the counter, he bent down and took a dusty Nuka-Cola from a plastic carton. Zach went up the stairs, through Moira’s room, and over to the ladder that went up to the roof.

For a moment, he lingered on the alien technology that had zapped Moira away to... who even knows where. For the briefest of moments, he pondered turning it on, just to see what would happen.

Shaking the feeling off, he ascended the ladder, and pushed over the metal sheet that acted as an ersatz trapdoor for the roof. Once outside, The Lone Wanderer took some time to appreciate the great view he got from here.

To the east, there was D.C. He could see the Galaxy News Radio building, where Three Dog was no doubt sending out tunes and motivational messages out to whoever would turn their dial to the station. Not that there really was much else to listen to since Zach had taken down The Enclave. Twice.

Cracking open his Nuka-Cola, Zach took a little sip as he looked out west, where Tenpenny Tower stood. Scowling as he remembered the vile man who once owned the tower, he was glad that he had shot the pretentious asshole that had been Tenpenny and then lead a group of wayward ghouls to slaughter the other inhabitants.

That was the thing about Zach; Despite helping out for the greater good most of the time, and being a good friend to the many beneficial factions of the Capitol Wastes, he was no saint. He often lied, and constantly scoping the wasteland for slaves to send over to Paradise Falls. Well, he used to, before a guilty conscience caught up with him.

He also killed when he felt someone was harmful to a community. For instance, just two weeks after coming to Megaton, and just a day before meeting his father at Project Purity, he had killed the bartender Colin Moriarty. Zach had felt that the ass wasn’t needed in Megaton, and Zach didn’t need him anymore anyway as Colin had already imparted all the information that concerned him anyway, and some that didn’t, unwittingly. Zach had broken into his computer terminal to get some information.

Zach also had a bad habit of lock picking, terminal hacking, and stealing whenever he could. This didn’t exactly help his good karma. He wasn’t any good at computers, but he was amazingly skilled with the lock.

Sure, Megaton had been pissed at the time when he had killed Moriarty, but after a few days of shooting at him and chasing away Zach whenever he got close, they let him back in, a far bit more wary than they had been of him before, but all worked out in the end. Gob ended up taking over the bar, and everyone on Colin’s shitlist could breath easy. Of course, now Zach knew what Colin had, but no one else knew or needed to know that.

Zach did as he pleased, and went where he wanted. Zach was a smooth talked, but often lied and cheated his way through places, and he didn’t have the cleanest of track records. So in the end, despite all the good he had done, and some of the more atrocious crimes he had committed, Zach had reached a verdict: He didn’t want to be too good, for he did not need Talon Company breathing down his neck, and he didn’t want to be too evil, because apart from his mind giving him trouble on that, the Regulators were not people he needed to mess with.

So Zach became neutral. He stayed right in the morally grey area, being neither good nor bad. He found that this disposition helped him in negotiations and smooth talkery quite immensely. It was just the way he liked it.

Taking a huge swig of irradiated cola, Zach sighed. It was flatter than a Little Lamplight hooker, but the soda taste was still there.

“One week, huh?” Zach looked down at Megaton from his little roof hideaway. He could see Lucas Simms playing with Hadron down near the deactivated bomb. “Dammit, Moira, I sure as hell hope you’re happy wherever you are, because I’m gonna be in some deep shit and it’d be a shame for your trip to have been a waste.”

Tales of a Scorched Earth

Moira ran the opal-encrusted comb through her recently washed hair. “We don’t get to bathe very often back in Megaton, they save the pure water for drinking. I tried to rig up a water distilling solution with Abexo Cleaner and ant nectar, but no one would try it out for me!”

Celestia had shown back up just after Moira had finished getting clean. One of the palace servants had her RobCo jumpsuit, and her underclothes washed and redelivered to the baths. “We also don’t get to wash our clothes much... I don’t think I’ve even washed my jumpsuit at all!”

The bath chambers were large, holding three swimming pool sized tubs built into the floor. Ornate taps, some of dragon heads, some of hydras, and others of different legendary beasts, lined the sides of the tubs. A few dispensed either hot or cold water, and the remaining ones dispensed soaps of all textures, smells, and colors. Moira had spent some time experimenting with a mix of each one, trying to find out which would clean the wasteland grime from her best. After a few minutes, she discovered it was a mix of one smelling faintly of some of the old perfumes that were occasionally sold to her, and a purple one that had a scent she could not place. To her, this whole chamber was one of the greatest gifts ever given to her, exposing her to new colors, feels, and especially smells. The wasteland didn’t have much to offer in the smell department beyond irradiated carcasses, unwashed bodies, rotting corpses, and gunpowder.

“Tell me more about... this world you live in,” Celestia said with intrigue lacing her voice. “I’m afraid earlier you didn’t quite go into much detail other than the... Unitied States, did you say?”

Moira thought for a moment while she did her red hair up into a bun. “Well, the United States got into a war with this so called 'China' place...” The scientist rolled her eyes at this. “I don’t think that place exists, to be honest with you.”

“Yes, you told me earlier.”

Moira nodded. “Silly me! I’ve been told I’m a bit of a space head... among ‘other’ things.” She sighed slightly. “Well, we nuked ourselves. Bit of a shame really, from what I’ve read the world used to be beautiful!”

Celestia’s more a sombre expression as Moira recounted her planet’s mutilation. She could never imagine such a horrible thing ever happening to Equestria and the countries beyond. “Did it really get that out of hoof?” she asked the wastelander before her. “Your species was just that suicidal they needed to devastate themselves that terribly?”

“Us humans sure are funny creatures,” Moira said with an upbeat smile and a giggle. “We do so many great things, yet insist on tearing them down.”

“Well, continue on.”

Moira cleared her throat. “Anyway, a lot of people decided to gather into underground shelters! Vaults, spread all around the United States. After the bombs dropped, they began to open one by one... and soon, the wastes began to repopulate!” Moira slipped herself into the freshly cleaned RobCo jumpsuit that had lain folded beside her. “We’ve got all sorts of interesting characters out their. There’s the Brotherhood of Steel, who keep us safe from super mutants and the Enclave.”

Celestia rose an eyebrow at this. “The Enclave?”

Moira nodded. “Oh yes, some nasty folks who want to rebuild the United States to it’s former glory. Sadly, they’ve got it in their heads that the rest of us don’t matter, and they seem to think it's okay to kill all the wastelanders!” Moira crossed her arms, her voice containing the first hints of anger Celestia had detected from the seemingly ever happy individual. “I don’t think that’s fair. We’re people too, you know!”

The Princess of the Sun shook her head, her long, multi-colored mane drifting about as she did so. “It’s a shame when beings feel like they need to stoop to such low standards. Your world seems... bleak.”

“Oh, but it’s not all bad!” Moira’s voice returned to normal. “I’ve been able to get a lot of studies down even since I moved to Megaton from Canterbury Commons, and then there’s Zachy!”

“Zachy?” Celestia inquired.

Moira brushed off a soap bubble that had landed on her from the bath residue that was left over.. “Oh, I can’t believe I forgot to mention Zachy! He first showed up from Vault 101, the Vault closest to Megaton. He came into my shop, and I sent him off to help me write The Wasteland Survival Guide! It’s been doing really well, even selling over in the Mojave Desert, a place far off west.”

Princess Celestia smiled. “You wrote a book?”

“Well, I couldn’t have done it without Zachy!” Moira’s smile grew. “He really was quite the help. I’ve never had a research assistant that’s been so great at, well, researching! Also, he’s the one who’s lived the longest, so I have to give that to him as well.”

“Lived... the longest?” Celestia didn’t like the sound of that.

“Well, my research assistants have a bad habit of dying on the job. Sometimes it’ll be a group of raiders, other times a pack of super mutants...” Moira frowned for a moment, before smiling again. “But Zachy is just fantastic! He’s beaten up plenty of mutants, cleaned out whole raider gangs... heck, he even took on The Enclave by himself!”

The regal alicorn’s eyes opened in surprise. “He took on them by himself? I’m assuming they’re quite powerful.”

“From what I here, he walked out of Raven Rock with the whole facility exploding behind him. He took down President Edan, their leader, by himself,” Moira recounted in a hushed whisper. “They killed his father, you see. He took it real hard, even though I keep telling him he’s not to blame for it, and that James was bound to die sooner or later anyway.” Celestia gave Moira a reproachful look, and the shop owner grinned nervously. “Guess I didn’t really help.”

“Anyway,” Moira continued on hurriedly. “He’s also the reason we’ve got pure water being distributed around the wastes! Megaton used to be one of the only places that had clean water, but now with Project Purity up and running, every settlement in the wastes can enjoy it!” Moira laughed a pleasant laugh. “He really is quite an amazing individual. Sometimes I worry about him, though. He can be kinda rude, and rarely talks to anyone if he can help it.”

“Well, I wouldn’t be very social either after what happened,” Celestia pointed out. “He really did all that? Just for the wastes?”

“Well, I think the whole Enclave mess was just him attacking back at them for killing his dad. But I’m sure glad he did it! Three Dog talks about him all the time on the radio,” Moira responded, running her fingers through her hair.

“Come, we’ll continue this one in the throne room. I’ve had food been delivered there.” Celestia opened the bath chamber door and beckoned Moira to follow. The human did so, pausing one last moment to savour the smells of the soaps that still lingered in the air.

As the two walked back to the throne room, Celestia continued on her questioning. “So, this ‘Three Dog’ character...”

“Oh yes, he runs the best radio station out in The Capital Wasteland!” Moira ran her fingers along the wall of the corridor, savoring the architecture. “Well, really the only radio station besides the occasional emergency broadcast frequency now that The Enclave isn’t on the air anymore,” she added as an afterthought. “But, I’m glad for that! The Enclave never really broadcasted anything good, and now that Three Dog can get his voice to more wastelanders, we can all learn to ‘Fight the good fight’!”

“It’s one of his slogans,” Moira responded to the silence that followed that statement. “Three Dog is really a great guy. He used to not be able to get his voice out to many places because of a faulty radio dish, but Zachy got him a new one!”

“Zachy seems to be like a very generous person,” Celestia observed as they turned a left into the throne room. Besides Celestia’s throne was a cart covered in various vegetarian food items, ranging from salads to pies. “The Wasteland must be quite a different place now that he’s around.”

Moira grinned and looked over the food. “Oh, is this all for me? You’re too kind!”

The white pony smiled a warm smile. “Well, you did look famished, and I can’t imagine you’d have gotten much proper food in the place where you live...”

Moira took a fork, and poked a tomato. “Well, I haven’t really studied foods that much... I did figure out a new way of preparing radroach meat, however!” Moria bit into the tomato, and gasped a bit as she felt the juices of the fruit bleed over her tongue. “Oh my, this tastes much better than radroach!” Soon, the famished wastelander was digging into every tomato she could find, she moved on to lettuce, onions, and all the other foods. She didn’t find hay to her liking, and wasn’t very fond of peppers. Nothing beat tomatoes, however.

After a few minutes of eating, Moira patted her stomach. “Boy, was that good! Those amazing red fruits-”

“Tomatoes.”

“Yes, they are amazing! I still have a hard time thinking of them as tomatoes, anything in the wastes that advertises themselves as having tomatoes in them are nowhere near how amazing that was!” Moira placed her fork down. “The only fruit that really grows out in the wastes are muttfruits, and their an irradiated mix between apples and pears. We also have dried ‘Dandy Boy Apples’, but those aren’t any good. At least, not compared to this!”

The Princess’s smile was radiant. “That’s good to hear. Oh, I informed a student of mine that you were here. I think you too are going to get along just fine.”

As if on cue, the doors to the throne room burst open, and a purple pony ran in. She was considerably smaller than Celestia, and lacked the wings that The Princess had. Her mane was purple, with a streak of pink resting on the side of her horn.

“Ooh, is that a unicorn?” Moira walked over to meet the new arrival. “I’ve read about them... humans had many legends about them. You don’t prey on virginal women, do you?”

The purple unicorn who had just arrived had shown up slightly out of breath, and now was sporting a confused look. “Um, Princess Celestia? Who is this? Is that the ‘human’ you were talking about?” She had a pleasant voice, with the slight air of a know-it-all.

“Indeed it is, my faithful student.” Celestia hoped to her hooves from her seat on the throne. “This is Moira Brown, owner of Craterside Supplies in The Capital Wastelands.”

“Pleased to meet you. I’m Twilight Sparkle, student under Princess Celestia.” Twilight held out a hoof to Moira. Moira ignored this, and instead walked around the unicorn, observing her in full.

“Oh, you look amazing! What are your measurements? What can you do with that horn? Can your blood really heal the sick?”

Twilight’s confused look worsened. “She’s another Pinkie Pie, isn’t she?”

Princess Celestia chuckled and smiled a not-so-innocent smile.

Wasted Science

The old door to Craterside Supply opened with its hallmark creek. Through it stepped a regular customer and supplier of the shop, one Zacharias Hadar. Zach, in addition to holding the record for most Nuka-Colas being drank in one hour, also held another, slightly more important achievement. He was none other than the Capital Wasteland’s saviour, The Lone Wanderer.

Zach stood at a height of 6 feet and 1 inch, was in possession of brown hair which he took the habit to of styling into a mohawk and dying bright purple starting at the age of 13, and loved cram more than anything else in the entire world that wasn’t living. He had taken on The Enclave, super mutants, countless raider and slavers, and was currently the poster child of goodness in the depressing sea of destruction and horror that was the Capital Wasteland.

This story is not about him.

Rather, this story is about one Moira Brown, the owner and chief employee of Craterside Supply, a small shop nestled in the scrapheap town of Megaton. Moira wore a plain grey jumpsuit with the lettering “RobCo” imprinted on the back in white, possessed dark red straight hair, and always had a cheery smile on her face.

Craterside Supply, her pride and joy, was where anyone went in Megaton(and places nearby) for their general supplies. Need a stimpack? Moira’s got it! Need something repaired? She’ll be glad to help! Want to risk your life and limb to go and create a wasteland survival guide? She’ll only be too glad to employ you, as Zach found out the hard way.

The only thing about Moira that seemed to get people a little on the creeped out side was her disposition. She was an avid lover of animals, even when said animals only wanted to rip her apart and feed her organs to their young. Mole rats seemed to be her favoured of them all, and more times than once Zach found himself saving her from a pack of the marauding mutated mammals.

She enjoyed history too, and held the pre-war society of the United States above all others. Even when Zach pointed out on numerous occasions that they were directly responsible for the whole mess they were currently living their days out in, she would dismiss that with a wave and a cheery “Everyone makes mistakes!”

In addition to those, she was fascinated with the human body. A few days after Zach had saved the settlement of Arifu from gang attacks(although he insisted that they were vampires), she commissioned him to go out and find as many anatomical books as possible. Moira, in addition to a scientist and a tinker, was a doctor of some skill. When The Lone Wanderer had injured himself heinously in order for her to take documented research on injury, she was able to fix him up nearly perfect. Her neuroses shone through, however, when she sticked a smiley face into the side of his arm to seal up on of the nastier gashes. This became a subject of humor amongst the wastes, and many raiders would begin to laugh uncontrollably after catching sight of it when Zach came to clean them out. After that, The Wasteland Saviour took to the habit of wearing as many types of armor that covered his arm as best as he could.

Moira always held a bright demeanor with everyone and everything. She was one of the three people who currently believed that the Capital Wastes would one day be rejuvenated back into its former glory. She used to be the only one, but a pair of jet addicts who had shown up once Project Purity began working again now held that belief as well.

So, when Zach sauntered into her establishment, adorned in his power armor that he had sanctioned from falled Brotherhood of Steel Paladins, and covered head to foot in bits of gore and nuclear grime, she greeted him with a cheery wave. “Hello, Zachy!”

Zach sighed, his exhale of breath distorted by the power armor helmets breather system. “Please stop calling me that.”

Moira smiled, and picked up her broom to sweep away the gore and dirt that Zach had tracked in. “So, what have you got for me today, Zachy?”

The Lone Wanderer walked over to the counter and dropped a large bag upon it. “I just fought my way through an alien ship. A FUCKING ALIEN SHIP! Anyway, I grabbed some parts from the thing, along with a couple of weapons, and I thought you might be interested.”

Moira open the bag, and pulled out several pieces of very strange technology. “Ooh! Thank you, Zachy! How much do I owe you?”

“Nothing, you can have it for free.”

Moira looked up at the armored head of The Lone Wanderer, a tear of joy brimming in her left eye. “Oh Zachy... that’s so thoughtful of you... but I have to give you caps! It wouldn’t be right for me to just accept it for free!”

Zach held his arms and and shook his head. “No, please! I literally have over fifty thousand caps. FIFTY THOUSAND. I’m purposely going out of my way to build bottlecap mines just to get rid of them. I’m donating as much as I can to every church I can find. I’m letting people overcharge me on purpose. I don’t need more money. Seriously. I have so much it’s getting hard for me to hold it all.”

Moira, of course, didn’t listen to Zach and bestowed upon him one thousand caps for his haul of alien technology. Zach sighed, muttered a distorted ‘thank you’ and left the establishment. Moira looked down at the pile of electronics, giddy as a schoolgirl whose class had ended early.

“Oh, I wonder what sort of things I could build with it!” Moira’s eyes twinkled as the mercenary she had hired to keep the peace around the store coughed dryly.

“I suppose I could try and build something from scratch... or add it onto laser rifle...” Moira pondered to herself as she took the technology upstairs to her bedroom. A flash of inspiration stuck like a mini-nuke. “Of course! I’ll add it to the teleporter!”

The teleporter she was talking about had been a birthday gift to her from one Lucas Sims, the sheriff of Megaton. Lucas had likewise procured it from a traveling vendor in exchange for some purified water. The vendor himself had gotten it from Zach, who had “borrowed” it from a crazed scientist in the Commonwealth. The teleporter wasn’t finished, and even then realistic science pointed towards it being unable to work in any circumstance. Still, Moira had spent endless hours tinkering and experimenting with the teleporter, never losing hope in that one day it would function.

However, once she reached the teleporter, Moira ran into a slight problem. She had no idea on how to add the alien technology to the device. She wasn’t even sure that the extraterrestrial mechanics would be safely compatible with the experimental teleportation apparatus. However, she knew someone who was always in the mood for crazy experiments.

Zach sat on his stained mattress that was held by the rust bedframe in his room. He was in an armored utility suit that had been given to him by Moira when he first visited her store. The lettering “Vault 101” was ripped, painted over, and otherwise obscured by recently added metal plates. The desk was cluttered with papers, inane scribblings on most of them. He had taken up writing down poetry as sort of a catharsis for the horrors he had been through. Drawings of deathclaws ripping apart Enclave soldiers and doodles of raiders being mowed down by a minigun hung on the wall.

The room was smoking from several cigarettes that had just been snuffed out into the ashtray he had rescued from the ruins of an abandoned metro. The most prized items he could salvage from the various ruins of the former United States of America were pencils, cartons of cigarettes, vodka bottles, and packs of unspoiled paper.

Zach had earned this house through disarming the bomb that had created the crater where Megaton had been built around. Surprisingly, it was easier to disarm a nuclear armament than it was to disarm a bouquet of grenades. Go figure. Zach tried as best as he could not to think about what was going on in this crazy roller coaster ride of death and radiation that was the wastes.

The Lone Wanderer sighed, and pulled pulled out a plasma pistol. The plasma pistol was a weapon that could be very effective, as could it’s slightly stronger counterpart, the plasma rifle. If they hit in just the right place, any plasma weapon would reduce an enemy to a slightly glowing puddle of green goo. Laser weapons achieved a similar effect, however, people on the receiving end of a laser would be reduced to a pile of ash.

Zach took the pistol and recalled upon how he had come about this weapon. He had pulled it from the mutilated hands of an Enclave Officer over at the Capitol Building. He still had a faint scar on his left calf where a bolt of plasma had melted through his power armor. The stimpack hadn’t done a good job of erasing the mark, and it was a bitch trying to find replacement parts for the power armor. In the end, the job was done.

His desk also held one of his most prized possessions. It was a framed picture of him and his father, taken on his tenth birthday. He had reclaimed the photo from the lab coat of Jonas, his father’s assistant, after his return to Vault 101. He had been unceremoniously ousted not forty-five minutes later by one of his oldest friends. He tried not to think about it whenever possible.

Zach took the plasma weapon and flipped it over a few times before holding it up to his head. “If i fire right into my temple, it’ll dissolve me. No amount of twisted DNA or hardiness or perks are gonna save me from that.”

With a deep breath, he prepared himself for the inevitable. His silence and suicidal refrain was shattered by a loud knocking on his door.

Sighing, The Lone Wanderer put his gun down on the desk and walked downstairs. He opened his door to see Moira Brown standing there with her ever-present, slightly annoying smile.

Zach rolled his eyes. “What do you want Moira?”

“Ooh! You’re wearing my Vault Suit I gave you!”

Zach pursed his lips. “Yes, I am. You gave the thing to me, remember?”

Moira laughed. “Yes, but you’re normally in that clunky, dull power armor! I’m glad you’ve decided to start wearing the suit again, it fits you so much better!”

Zach scanned over the Craterside Supply owner. “Look, what do you want, Moira? I was in the middle of doing something...” his voice trailed off at the end. The sun was setting, and streaks of brown-orange light stained the sky.

“Here, I figure you know more about the alien technology than me-”

“I actually have no idea how it works-”

“And since you always love the work I give you-”

“Not so much ‘love’ as ‘do it out of extreme boredom or pity’-”

“I figured you’d help me install the parts into the teleporter!”

“Look, I don’t want to-” Zach stopped, and looked down at Moira. “Wait, teleporter?”

Moira nodded enthusiastically. “Yup! I got it for my birthday from Lucas! He says he traded it for some purified water a few weeks before my birthday!”

Zach starched his head. “Huh, I wonder if it’s the same one I sold to the vendor after I got back from the commonwealth...” Of course it is, you moron! How many other teleporters do you know of?

Moira smiled at Zach, and handed him a wrench. “Well, we’ll never know unless we head on over to go check it out!” She grabbed Zach’s gloved hand and practically dragged him down the slope that lead to the ramp where Craterside Supply resided at the top of.

Zach groaned. “Oh well... suppose this beats what I was gonna do otherwise...”

Upon reaching the teleporter, Zach noticed that Moira’s room reflected his somewhat. But instead of drawings of monsters and violence, and scribbles of poetry, anatomical drawings and schematics hung on the walls and littered her desk. Zach took a moment to admire a sketch of a centaur, those hideous gibbering monstrous mess of human parts and tongues. He shuddered as he remembered the cold, slimy touch of one of those irradiated tendrils.

The teleporter had been moved by Moira up onto her bed. It had a round base, and several tubes and nozzles sticking out of it. The sides were covered with microfusion cell holders, and wires of both green and red coloration spreading about. It was obviously unfinished, pieces of terminals uncovered, and electronics laying out for any and all to see. A control panel with a few buttons, two red ones and a blue one, was on the part closest to them, jutting out slightly.

The Lone Wanderer took a piece of machinery, and placed it down next to a green tube. Taking a wire, he hooked it up to the electrical plating of the extraterrestrial mechanism. Moira pulled down a large yellow textbook detailing jet engines. “Since planes got people places, that’s the same basic idea as a teleporter, right? I mean, sure teleporters are a lot faster, and scramble your atoms about the world before rebuilding them again... but same basic principle, right?”

Zach gave Moira a blank stare as he tightened several loose screws near the control panel. Moira giggled, and started to assemble pieces of the machinery together.

A good fifteen minutes of working in silence later, something extraordinary happened. While plugging in a microfusion cell to a alien transformer, the whole machine began to light up. LED’s, nozzles, and buttons alike began to glow green. In the center of the machine, a beam of green energy shot out, slightly transparent, and coming to a stop at the roof, apparently not traveling through.

“Ok, now that looks fucking deadly.” Zach eyed the beam with disdain, not daring to get any closer to it. Moira, however, seemed enticed.

“Oh, it’s beautiful!” Moira gazed upon the beam created by a combination of human and alien technology, starry eyed. “Look, Zachy! We made it work!”

Zach shook his head in disbelief. “The chances of this working are what... one in a million? Fuck, I was never good at math...”

Moira grabbed a clipboard and a pencil, and began to write furiously upon it. “Ooh, this is wonderful! Say, Zach, would you mind going and touching it? I want to see the effects...”

Zach stood up, shaking his head. “No. No, I won’t. Look, Moira, I’ve gotten irradiated to the point of puking my guts out for you. I nearly lost an arm for you. I fought off giant crab monsters from hell, scavenged through a minefield while a maniac took potshots at my head, and had my allergies irritated by dust from old books for you. But I’m not sticking my hand into a freaking alien laser beam!” Zach threw his hands up in resignation. “I’m sorry. I just won’t. You’ll have to test it out yourself for once.”

Moira’s face fell. “Oh... but I’m the scientist! I document what the research assistants do!” She looked back up at Zach with pouty eyes. “Please, Zachy?”

Zach shook his head. “Sorry, Moira. I’m out. Also, come to think of it, I better find a way to shut of this power beam. I don’t want you hurting yourself or accidentally blowing up Megaton because you’re left with this unsupervised.” Zach sat back down, pouring over the mechanics. “I suppose if I just cut the wire leading to-”

“NO!” Moira shot her hand out, nearly poking her ring finger up Zach’s nose. Zach fell back, startled. “If you cut it, who knows if it’ll turn back on! You've got to find a different way!”

The Lone Wanderer was beginning to lose his patience. “Look, Moira!” He grabbed his wrench, and bent over the teleporter. “All I’m gonna do is twist this bolt, and-” As he did so, the beam of energy redirected at a sharp 90 degree angle, blasting Moira right in the chest. Without even time for her to scream, the beam disintegrated her, leaving not a trace of the peppy scientist.

“Fuck.”

Moira’s vision had gone green. The whole world was a mess of color, sound, and gooey textures. Stars flashed by, memories of Canterbury Commons, Moira’s hometown, and the ever present gooeyness all made up a crude soup of experiences.

There was a blast of white, enveloping light, and it was almost over. Almost.

There was a startled, feminine gasp. The white light was warm, encompassing her entirely. The scientist saw nothing but the blinding light, it’s entirety filling existence. Emotions fluttered through Moira, ranging from awed excitement to chilling fear. All in all, she knew this was going to be a great experiment. She wasn’t dead, so the shop owner knew that her abilities would come of use to her.

“Oh, my... what are you?” The voice seemed... what’s the word Moira was looking for? It was like the one anyone from the Commonwealth used, just like that nasty Mr. Burke fellow, but more calm and less arrogant. It was... regal.

“Well, no matter what you are, you deserve a chance. Let’s get you out of there.” Moira’s stomach swooped as she was wrenched from the white light that was her environment just moments before. She fell with a clatter to a flagstone floor, cleaner than she had ever seen anything before.

When she looked up, she was stunned. A being similar to that of a brahmin, but with one head and pure white coat looked down upon her. It was remarkably akin to how pre-war books described horses, but this one seemed to carry an air of importance and great intelligence, as well as sporting a mane of several colors from purple to green to pink, all flowing gently despite their not being a breeze present. A large horn protruded from her head, like a deathclaw’s only straight as an arrow, and two large white wings curled at her sides. The being gave off warmth like the sun’s rays on a lazy afternoon, something Moira hadn’t encountered since her childhood in Canterbury Commons.

The creature wore an expression of shock, reading her silently with large pink-iresed eyes. Moira, of course, felt her researcher's instincts begin to kick in, and instinctively reached for a clipboard and pencil. As she was still laying on the cold stone floor in front of this creature who sat on its throne, there was no documentation device available.

“Oh, you look awful,” the being whispered. “You’re malnourished, covered in grime, and have hints of... something I don’t even know the name of, but I can tell it’s abhorrent!” Moira raised a grimy eyebrow at this.

The being stepped down from her throne, revealing gold palting upon her hooves. She wore a crown with a purple jewel set into it, and it glinted slightly. Moira gazed up in awe at the creature, stunned by her immaculate appearance.

“You look... gorgeous!” Moira pushed herself up to her feet, shaking slightly. The world’s colors were brighter, and no longer covered in what seemed like a green tint. Everything was brighter and... happier.

The being looked taken aback by the scientist's compliment. “Why... thank you!” She blushed slightly, and shook her head. “I suppose I should introduce myself. I am Princess Celestia, co-ruler of Equestria and raiser of the sun. And you would be...”

Moira’s smile widened. “Ruler of Equestria? I’ve never heard of such a place! I bet you’ve got all sorts of interesting things to tell me! Since you said ‘princess’, you must work on a monarchy! What’s your principal trade? Your current population? Your standing with other nations, if there are any?” Princess Celestia’s baffled look grew with every sentence Moira spoke.

“Of course, we hardly have anything you could call a ‘nation’ back in the Capital Wastes, but I’ve read about them in some of the books Zach’s brought back, and now I’m here talking to a real Princess!” Moira sighed dreamily. “I’m Moira Brown, owner of Craterside Supplies!”

Celestia’s mind raced for a few moments trying to process all that had happened. While she was focusing on raising the sun in her meditative state, a strange being had appeared in the ether. She had rescued it, and now... it kept babbling on about something to do with Equestria’s internal structure.

The Princess sat back down on her throne, and sighed. The day had only just begun, and it looked like she was in for a wild ride.

Moira, meanwhile, had wandered over to the windows. She had stopped to admire the stained glass, huge ones that spanned from about waist height all the way to the ceiling. The one she was currently looking over was of six small, various colored ponies defeating a larger blue one.

“Ooh, what’s this? Do these tell a story of some sort? are they what you use instead of books?” Moira ran her hand along the slightly warm glass.

Princess Celestia trotted regally to the wastelander’s side. Something about her inquisitive nature, yet general innocence intrigued her. “Well, yes and no. We have normal books and scrolls to keep track of things, however, when something momentous happens, we put it down in stained glass.” Celestia waved a hoof at the glass. “Right here, the Elements of Harmony are defeating Nightmare Moon.”

Moira’s curiosity was piqued by this newfound information. “The Elements of Harmony? What are those?”

Celestia smiled at this display of enthusiasm. “The Elements of Harmony are ancient artifacts left over from The Chaos War. They can quell great evils, and are able to restore peace and harmony to disturbed individuals.”

Moira dwelled upon this tidbit of info. “Huh... maybe we can use them to help the raider problem.”

Celestia began to move into the next stained glass, and Moira was close behind. “So, Princess, the whole land is populated by equines? Ponies and such?”

“Not entirely,” Celestia stated matter-of-factly. “We do have griffons, diamond dogs, dragons...” Moira’s eyes filled with wonder as the pristine white royalty listed the various races.

“Oh, I bet we’ve got lots of things here to go and test out... too bad Zach isn’t around to go and do the testing for me. Always complaining about ‘risk of death’, and ‘horrible pain’... oh, he was nearly as complainy as my other lab assistants.” Celestia found it a bit creepy how Moira’s voice didn’t change tone as she went into a tangent about how her research took things a bit too far.

The Princess stopped walking, and turned to face Moira. “Tell me, you’ve asked so many questions... I must ask you a few.”

“-and as I’ve always said, ‘Humanity’s sole purpose is for science’! I suppose my natural curiosity is what leads me to... ” the human paused at Celestia’s question. “Huh? Oh, alright! What do you want to know?”

“Where exactly are you from?”

“Oh!” Moira’s voice indicated that she was expecting quite a different question. “I’m from the former United States of America, now the Capital Wasteland.”

Celestia didn’t like the sound of “former” and “wasteland” in Moira’s statement. “Oh my... that sounds... well, terrible. What happened?”

Moira smiled pleasantly. “Oh, we got bombed! A war between us and China, although I don’t think that place really exists, to be honest...”

Celestia’s expression grew to to one of horrified curiosity. “At the risk of sounding redundant, that sounds terrible! So, it’s all a wasteland now?”

Moira nodded peppily. “Yes-siree! We’ve got horrible things like mirelurks, raiders, and super mutants... the radiation really did a wonder on old mother nature.” Moira sighed, her smile faltering for a second as she reflected on just how bad humanity had screwed themselves over. Her happiness returned not a second later, and she remedied her previous statement. “But, we wouldn’t have mole rats if it weren’t for the radiation, nor would I have met Zachy! Probably. Anyway, it’s always good to look on the bright side of fallout!”

Celestia took a slightly guilty look at her lush and fertile kingdom that lay sprawled before her just outside her window. Whomever this mysterious visitor was, in less than thirty minutes she had already introduced her to barely a sampler of what the sun goddess envisioned to be tartarus incarnate.

Moira had moved on to another stained glass picture, this one of the Elements defeating Discord. The odd mismatch of animal parts was the Lord of Chaos, and his reign was possibly the closest thing Equestria would have to the horror Moira had just escaped from.

“Ooh, these must be the same Elements defeating another one of those monsters! This one looks nearly as badly mutated as a centaur,” Moira practically squealed. “This is fantastic! I wonder if there are any books of them...”

“Actually,” Celestia said with a soft smile. “They’re still alive. Currently, they live in a town called Ponyville that’s a night’s ride by train from here. I’m sure I could arrange to get you there by tomorrow.”

“Oh, that would be splendid!” Moira hugged Celestia, whose eyes opened in surprise. Trying to ignore the grim and the other material that seemed to be ever present about the scientist, Celestia put a hoof around Moira’s back.

From what she’s described, it’s a wonder anyone could develop such an innocent personality and sunny disposition from that obviously hellish environment, Celestia thought to herself. Moira disengaged from her hug, and took another look around the room. The Princess of the Sun smiled. Moira reminded her a lot of a certain Element of Harmony...

“Oh, hey! Want to test a radiation theory for me?"

“A... what?”

“You know, radiation! the thing that makes the geiger counter tick, the nukes so deadly, and twists with DNA like a kitten plays with string?”

Celestia’s expression came up blank. Moira laughed it off, her optimism causing her to switch topics quickly. “Do you guys have mole rats here? I want to see if I can try and come up with something to tame them with, I’m sure you guys have all sorts of new chemicals and plants I can use!”

Celestia took a look at Moira’s mostly disheveled appearance. “I’m sure we can get right on, erm, that whatever you plan on doing right after we clean you up a bit. Is it hard to get food out in those wastes out in those wastes you come from?”

Moira shook her head, a lock of her hair russet hair coming loose from her bun and landing in front of her eye. “Nope, Megaton is pretty well stocked! Moriarty normally has some pretty good packaged foods, so does The Brass Lantern... I was always one for iguana on a stick, but there's always some pre-war stuff preserved by the radiation out there! Well, preserved used in its loosest meaning, but it tastes all the same with a good glass of brahmin milk!”

In all of Celestia’s reigne, she had only been baffled like she was when she talked to Moira three times before. Once when fighting through Discord’s continual mindfuck, another time during the attack of the psychopathic ones, and whenever Pinkie Pie was around. Celestia had shoved every experience with Pinkie Pie together to save time and brain space.

“Well,” Celestia responded, deciding not to waste another moment of frivolous ponderings, “I think we should get you a nice decent meal... after we clean you up first.”

Moira shrugged, and followed Celestia as she headed towards the royal bath chambers. “Oh, alright! Hm, do you mind telling me if you’ve ever tried expanding any of your cities or towns with explosives?”

Celestia gave Moira the “Are-you-sure-you-haven’t-sustained-major-brain-damage” look she occasionally gave Twilight. “I’m afraid not...”

“Oh, drat!”