I Glorify my Kin

        “Ooh, they’re gonna hafta glue you back together - in hell!” shouts the Demoman on the screen boisterously, a stickybomb trap exploding to destroy a soldier as he does. A domination sound goes through my headphones.

“Hell yeah, Demoman Domination!” I shout triumphantly. I’m on a 2fort server, with instaspawn... and I’m currently dominating around 20% of the other team (Which means 2 people, considering that there are 10 on their team).

I smile as, in the sewers, my Demoman kills another Soldier, the grenades hitting him head-on. Wow, I’m on a roll today.

Suddenly, I hear an uncloaking sound. “I zink not,” says a voice behind me. I try to turn around, but it’s too late, and the spy backstabs me.

"Son of a bitch!" I yell. Stupid spies

Suddenly, for no reason whatsoever, Team Fortress 2 turns off. The screen turns black, with only one icon left on the screen. It’s in the center, and the name of it says “Halo 2”. Only, it isn’t the normal icon; instead, it is a picture of an elite without armour, like in the first cutscene of the game.

You see, I couldn’t get Halo 2 for XBox, so I had to get it for PC. And you see, that’s what’s freaking me out about this.

Since I got it for PC, it should be working with Windows 7. It should NOT be the only icon on the main desktop, and have a different picture.

Confused, I press the power button. Nothing happens.

I mash it a few more times. Still, nothing happens.

This isn’t normal.

I mean, when I press the button, it normally closes the computer right off, but this time... nothing happened.

Ding! Idea! I should unplug it! After all, if I unplug it, it'll turn off... Right?

My brain sends messages to my body to bend down, but it turns out I can’t move anything but my arms and my head. This is goddamn creepy... it’s like something out of a creepypasta. Well, I haven’t got anything to lose...

Sighing, I double click the icon. What else can I do? And besides, what could possibly go wrong?

It starts up, then stops on the screen of Halo 2. I wait for a little, but nothing happens.

Why it’s done this, I don’t know. Suddenly, I hear a noise. It’s like a squelching noise; not from the headphones, but from inside my head.

You believe that the day’s dull? I will save you from its peace, comes a voice. It sounds like Cthulu had a kid with Harbinger, and then he went and died and came back to life. Wait a second... I think I know something like that.

“What are you doing in my head, Gravemind?” I say, with a deadpan look on my face. “I thought you were dead... unless you’re a god. Are you one?”

I am but a mere weak god, Compared to the other gods around... Seriously?! He’s a goddamned god?

...I have just no words.

“Okay. You have got to tell me, how the hell did you become a god?”

My children bring peace to all. Ugh, dammit! The Gravemind is way too cryptic.

Do not be afraid. I am peace; I am salvation. Oh, come on! Why the hell does he keep repeating those cryptic sentences?! I’m sick of this!

We exist together now; two corpses... in one grave. I sigh. I better ask him a proper question, now.

“How do you even exist? As far as I knew, you were just a fictional character,” I snark.

All gods exist in the world. I am but one of many.

        “Well, that told me nothing. So, what are you doing?”

Now I deposit you elsewhere, And you shall know no fear then... Dammit. I’m going to be transported elsewhere by this dick, aren’t I?

As my eyesight goes black, my last thoughts?

...Yeah, I am.

I thump down onto the ground, ending up with my face in the dirt and arms and legs sprawled out. I shudder. That was... unpleasant, to say the least. The Gravemind is an asshole. I notice that my eyes are closed.

...Why didn’t I notice that right away? I have no idea.

I also notice my nervous system feels slightly different - no, VERY different. Great, so I’ve changed species as well. Just great. Anything else important I should know before I open my eyes? No? Well, let’s get to it, then.

I open my eyes a little bit. For some reason, everything seems... cartoony.

And I’m in a forest.

I know I’m not where I was before (Because, I don’t have a computer in the forest, goddamnit! And the dirt when I fell was also a giveaway). And I know I’m not a human anymore.

My hands reach to the ground, and I prop myself up to a sitting position. I sigh. The Gravemind is an ass.

I’ve just got to figure out what species I am... Judging from my heartbeat, which feels good, I’m probably a creature with a Binary Vascular system. I only know two of them, of course, but I could possibly be something else.

 When my eyes open fully, I notice that I wasn’t seeing things. Everything looks a lot more cartoony than it did before.

And my arm seems different.

Yeah. That too.

Anyway, I look at my arm.

It’s not mammallian. It’s more reptilian. “What?” I cover my mouth, horrified. That sounded inhuman... like a beast!

I can’t believe that bastard made me sound like this! I preferred my manly voice as it was! I grumble, and spot a pond in the corner of my eye.

“Here I come, pond!” I yell, and stomp towards the pond.

I look into it, and realize something.

        I recognize my face.

It’s that of an Elite.

Species recognition loading...

Loading...

Loading...

Loading...

Out of cheese error, redo from start.

“What the FFFFFFUUUUU-” I scream to the heavens.

Okay. It's been five minutes since I first looked into the mirror (metaphorically, of course), and over the 5 minutes I have had to think, I've come to a conclusion as to why I'm an Elite.

The Gravemind has a goddamn sick sense of humour.

No, seriously. Turning me into a mandibled creature and depositing me in the middle of a forest called Nowhere.

I mean, couldn't he at least have given me a robe? This is very undig-

*Rustle*

Wait, what was th-

Interrupting my thoughts, suddenly giant spider!

Oh, and I don't mean giant as in hand-sized giant.

I mean 'bite-your-darm-head-off' giant.

"AH SPIDER CRAPCRAPCRAP GEDDITOFFGEDDITOFF!"

The spider is on my chest. It jumps up to my head, screeching. I catch it with both hands on the sides, and stare it in the face... Or fangs, considering it's a spider.

“You’re one ugly mother, aren’t you?” I coo at the spider, like I would coo at a baby.

“Well, it’s a shame I’m about to squeeze you until you pop!” I yell, putting pressure on the spider. I put enough pressure, and finally, it... doesn’t pop. It just gets crushed. I smile, relieved. I didn’t know spider physics in this world, and the last time I squashed a spider, it was just crushed.

So, I just have to know something.

Why the hell did the Gravemind put me in a forest where I could die?!

Ahh, you are wondering now. To toughen you quite greatly. Oh, great, again with the cryptic rhymes. I know that’s Gravemind’s thing, but it’s annoying.

“So, Gravemind, I don’t think anything’s happened yet to toughen me.”

Silence.

I wait for a few seconds.

Crickets start chirping.

 Typical Gravemind! Abandoning me when I ask it a question!

“I hate this goddamned forest!” I scream to the heavens. I mean, I’ve already gotten my body caked in dirt, I had to kill a giant spider, and the Gravemind just abandoned me!

On the plus side, I have some food. I mean, crushed spider sounds good to you, doesn’t it? I smile, and open my mandibles. I rip the spider in half, and then stuff one half in between them.

Mm... This tastes good... Actually, it tastes kinda like chicken. I swallow the spider half which my mandibles had finished, and then stuff the remaining half in. Now, the resemblance is fucking uncanny. This spider literally tastes like chicken.

I smirk. Actually, how do I know how to do all this with mandibles? The Gravemind probably put the information in my instincts.

...I just answered my own damn question, didn’t I?

Anyway, I smirk. “Mm. Tastes like chicken.”

I mime putting on sunglasses, and then shout “YEEEEEEAAAAHHH!” This is the most awesome day I’ve had in years. Even if it’s annoying.

Wait. I just realised something.

I’m gonna have to look for civilization, aren’t I? Yes you are, new Sangheili, says the Gravemind.

Crap.

Alright then. If I’m gonna find civilization, then I’m gonna have to get walking.

I use my hands to help me up onto two feet. I stumble a little, and then balance myself. Makes sense, considering I am a digitigrade now. Also, my tetradactyl fingers are easy to grip, especially since I have two thumbs on each side. Although, it’s gonna be kinda hard to climb ladders, considering my knees now bend forwards rather than backwards.

I do my research, you know.

Anyway, I wonder where I am. You are in Equestria, the land of little ponies.

Wait, so I’m in Equestria? Cool! I don’t know where I am, though... So, in all my heart, I hope that I will get to see a pony.

I’m a brony, by the way. Just thought you ought to know.

I look up at the sky, in case of seeing something like a pegasus.

I see nothing, though. Probably because I am in the middle of nowhere.

I sigh. Time to get going on this trek throughout the forest... And hopefully, I will reach civilization, be it pony or other.