Battlefield Bad Company: Equestria

by Razormane

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Adventure, Crossover, Random, Alternate Universe
Length: 2073

A bunch of misfits from Bad Company manage to get themselves into Equestria

When a bunch of rejects and misfits from Bad Company manage to find out that Kirilenko did not die by hand of Marlowe, during that fateful flight over Texas. Instead he was severely wounded and managed to limp his way back to Russian Lines. A squad led by one Sergeant James Adrian are sent to Alaska on unconfirmed intelligence of a new Russian super weapon. Upon arrival their luck goes from piss poor to worse in the blink of an eye. After somehow landing in Equestria due to a confusing set of circumstances, the four unlucky men of Zulu squad must figure out a way to get back home…and kick Kirilenko's ass on the way back.

This was also Assisted by a close friend of mine, who as of yet wishes to remain unknown.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2012-01-19 08:14:55 UTC

Chapter 1: Cold War

This is largely an untested area of writing for me. Cut me some slack and use actual constructive criticism rather than being a pointless arse.

My name is Preston Marlowe, and I’ve been a member of B-Company for most of my military career. B-Company is comprised of all the rejects and misfits the army didn’t want, but couldn’t throw away. So anyone stuck here was either really unlucky or a complete nutjob, I fell into the first category. I’ve done some pretty amazing things that have gone completely unnoticed and for all that, I’ve not even gotten a pay raise.

By far one of the most amazing, and by far weirdest things I’ve ever done involved Kirilenko and his mad plans for a complete Russian victory. First one was filled with some crazy Japanese experiment from the Second World War that was supposed to EMP the entire US power grid. Though that plan ended up crashing into Texas in a flaming heap and left Kirilenko with a bullet in his back…Or so we had thought…

Turns out Kirilenko had survived by making us think he had been killed…though he was severely wounded in and was barely able to limp to Russian lines in Mexico. From there he began plotting a whole new plan against the United States…and B-Company Delta Squad for that matter. Unfortunately for the mad Russian, Delta squad broke up not two or three months after that.

Redford finally retired and went on to fish in the gulf, which was before he was nearly blown kingdom come by a Russian destroyer. He quickly reenlisted, and was instated as Colonel Redford, though he is now in charge of some spec-ops unit operating in Columbia.

Sweetwater joined the CIA for more “thrills” and to be the super awesome special operations guy he wanted to be…He disappeared a month after joining and knowing the CIA, it involved lots of beer and hookers.

Haggard joined the air force, becoming one of their top bomber commanders…though a bit unconventional in his methods and choice of payload, he got the job done so command left him be.

Me? I got left in B-Company and reassigned to some new squad called Zulu. They seem to be worse than my old squad! One is some German bastard who fills in just about every stereotype in the book; another is some aggressive creep who loves to break things way too much. The last one is the quietest but I think he’s going to be the one to slit my throat during the night.

All in all, I still feel like my luck was improving. I wasn’t under the command of some guy who sent units to their death every day. Usually our missions were clean up jobs that no one else would do, but heck it was something to do. Even better, I’m now the guy farthest from the danger since command decided I was good enough to get issued a M95 .50 sniper rifle.

That was until we got sent to Alaska, now I am sitting in the snow, freezing my balls off and moving to provide demolitions on some Russian installation in the middle of nowhere. Don’t you just love missions where command leaves you in the dark?

I looked to James, the German I mentioned earlier, and he was holding his SAIGA12K like most men would a child. His eyes never strayed far from what the encampment we were watching, hoping for a lapse in the guards so we could do the usual B-Company method and blow it all to kingdom come.

He looked back at me and spoke in such a thick accent that anyone who wasn’t used to it would think he was speaking foreign-ese. “So, ve move up soon and kick these guys’ asses…I do so hope zhere is something left vhen dummkoph “Otter” gets done…I hate getting zee leftovers!” I looked at him and saw that maniac glint in his eyes, even through the thick lens of his goggles, which were almost frosted over.

Rocco or C-Zed as everyone else called him was busy playing with his M416. He seemed anxious to go in and start butchering Russian soldiers like a bull in a china shop. Then there was Roshek, or as James called him: “Otter”. He was a nimble bastard despite the fact he was holding a M60E1 which easily came close to his size.

As I settled my rifle on a fallen log and looked over at the soldiers patrolling the area around the facility. One of them separated from his group to take what appeared to be a leak, and then he slumped to the ground as the heavy .50 bullet that had exited my rifle slammed into his head like a metric ton of pain.

The rest of the soldiers on duty easily tracked where my shot had come from and soon an all out firefight was unveiling across what had originally been a pristine winter wonderland. It was quite obvious that maybe I should’ve picked my shot better as heavier weapons began to rapidly tear our cover to pieces.

James or “Doc Sawbones” was the first to say anything and he shouted it, “Dummkoph! You had to fucking give avay our position! Otter is stealthier vith his fucking machine gun zhan you are!” Amidst the whole line of complaining he had moved to the more solid cover of a boulder and Otter had gone prone and begun returning withering covering fire as the rest C-Zed and I scrambled for better cover.

C-Zed quickly went prone himself and began returning fire while I moved behind a tree and looked through the scope of my rifle trying to assist in spotting targets. We soon had the facility defenders on their last legs as they brought out an Old Russian cheap shot: a light tank.

I looked at that all too familiar metal death machines and shouted in warning. Everyone quickly redirected their attention with deep concern. Intel had really screwed the pooch on this one, they had said nothing about Russian armor guarding this place…thankfully I had the foresight to bring explosives…the only bad part was that you couldn’t simply fire C4 at a tank.

Otter looked at the tank and shouted, speaking to me for the first time in almost a week. “Move your ass up! I’ll draw the fire, just rig that thing!” I nodded and then James actually did the first selfless thing I had ever seen from the man: he volunteered to accompany me in case infantry were guarding the armored vehicle.

I looked at him and blinked, and then he gave a sadistic grin. “Vhat? I vasn’t going to let you have all zee fun, not every day I get to butcher zee Russians so close and do it for good!” I still felt uncomfortable around him but nodded and began moving along the tree line around the tank to get avoid being spotted.

As we drew close, I realized James’s prediction of infantry around the tank was painfully true, though twelve gauge buckshot did wonders to eliminate the problem. After firmly giving away our position, I managed to run up and plant the high explosives on the Russian armored vehicle. I lit that thing up like Christmas at the Griswolds, and boy was that fireball worth it.

With the Russian resistance at the facility firmly dead…James had made sure of that by shooting every dead body he saw in the chest, we continued through the facility towards our goal of building 4. As we got closer the ominous sound of a large machine running did little to ease the tension in the air.

I looked to Otter and motioned for him to open the door, he did so by emptying fifty or so rounds into the control panel of the door. I blinked but couldn’t deny the results as the door slid open slowly. Looking inside the huge structure, we saw what looked like some mad scientist had hit his head on the wall several times then built the resulting concussion based invention.

What shocked me more was when that prick that I had firmly wanted to believe was dead stepped into the room with a troll walk that would’ve made even Jesus angry. We all aimed our weapons and prepared to fire only to have to endure the bastard’s freshly prepared monologue…and boy was he ranting and raving about how the United States was going to fall and how he had such a big dick or something…I wasn’t listening.

I sighed and simply said “Just shut up so we can kill you already…” He looked at me and smirked, that greasy kind of smirk that made you think hadn’t bathed in weeks…which judging by the smell drifting too us, he hadn’t. Then he pulled the obligatory over sized evil lever that activated his so-called super weapon. With a raised eyebrow I just calmly turned and shot the power box.

He then shouted “You idiot! You’ve doomed us all!” and I swear he had rehearsed that line so many times…With that the device…super-weapon…THING began making very ominous noised and started falling apart. As we all jumped for cover inside the large building, we prepared for the earth-shattering kaboom…Which came about twenty seconds later.

As we were all blinded by the flash of light I could swear I could the cold fading away, and when my vision returned the squad and myself were all floating in some rainbow colored void you would only expect to see in some hippie’s acid trip. As we floated around we saw a British police box float by and with the door open, we could see some guy and what looked like a…a pony were sitting at a table having tea. I tried to remember where I’d heard of something like this before but drew a blank and soon dropped the thought as the weird thing passed by.

Sawbones was the first to speak, “Vas he having tea…vith a horse!?” I looked at him and nodded slowly. Again we were blinded by a flash of light and suddenly found ourselves in the middle of a dimly lit corridor looking at a man who seemed to have been to hell and back twice…

He was wearing a orange armored suit and holding an MP5, and by the disturbed look in his eyes…and the excessive amounts of blood covering his body I doubted he was going to be much for more than just gunning us all down in cold blood.

He blinked for a moment before speaking, “Are you soldiers…?” We looked at each other for a moment before C-Zed spoke up. “Depends, are soldiers here trying to kill you or not?” With that the armored man motioned the disturbingly large pile of bullet riddled marines by the doorway. We all gulped and C-Zed responded with a hasty “No!”

He looked at the weapons in our hands and raised an eyebrow. “Then why are you carrying weapons?” We all looked at each other and Otter spoke up this time, a faint quiver in his voice. “W-Would you believe us i-if I said we were military re-enactors?” He nodded and we all quickly blurted out, “Then we’re military re-enactors!”

He nodded and looked at the medical band on Sawbones’s arm. “So you’re a doctor…got any oxycodone…?” James smiled and pulled a bottle out his bag before stopping. “Vait…vhat are zhese for?” He blinked and then deadpanned. “Making this place float away…” James with the most straight face possible then handed the man the bottle with an “Ok zhen!” Just as he went to open the pill bottle, we were rudely yanked away by the same force as before.

This time we floated for a moment or two before being thrown to the dirt in a scattered heap. With a groan I uttered “That could’ve gone better…” Managing to pull myself free of everyone else, I looked around.

We had landed in the middle of a forest clearing and as I looked around, trying to figure out where the heck we had landed this time a Zebra wearing gold jewelry and with of all things a Mohawk hairdo was looking at us with curiosity. James, having also gotten up looked at the creature and simply asked “Can I shoot it?” we all looked at him in shock…Including the Zebra.