Being Awesome, a novel

by Twilightclopple

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy
Length: 3287

Based on true events, we swear.

"A national treasure." -R. B. Dash

"Author Rainbow Dash never fails to amaze with another gripping literary gem." -D. Wainbrow

"Instant classic." -Ainbowray Ashday

"The greatest book ever written by the greatest, sexiest author ever to write, and fly. No one can prove I didn't say this." -Spitfire, Wonderbolts team captain

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2013-01-04 02:20:01 UTC

"What's a Mary Sue?"

       "Hey, hey!"

     Five pairs of searching eyes swiveled in their sockets, converging at the source of the holler. The yeller hovered both of her hooves before her, as though she were literally trying to pat down the conversation into silence, her eyes narrowed and flicking between the circle of watchful, waiting ponies.

      Rainbow Dash spoke, eagerness sprinkled with annoyance. "Come on you guys, talking time is over. Listening time starts now."

    Twilight, ever the proper guest and the first to adopt a classroom attitude, folded her hooves in her lap and opened her mouth, looking very much like she might have preferred to raise a hoof for Rainbow to call upon instead. "Are you going to read an excerpt from your novel to us?" She asked, silently pulling for an affirmative answer. As much as she tried to circumnavigate the bookworm stereotype she was always filed under, the unicorn had to admit that she could use a dose of good literature.

     Assuming of course that Rainbow Dash could write.

     Fluttershy interjected, putting her hooves together in glee. "You finished it? Oh, that's wonderful!"

      "What? No," Rainbow Dash scrunched her nose. Fluttershy looked as though Rainbow had just pimp-slapped her. "No, it's a work in progress. Needs editing." She grinned, the familiar smell of boast permeating the room. "But probably only a little."

     "Then," Applejack adjusted her position in one of the library's large, cushioned armchairs, her face taking a comically inquistive countenance. "Why are you readin' it to us now?"

      Rainbow Dash groaned, as though her motives could not have been clearer and it was just AJ's AJ-ness compelling her to ask silly questions. She could have been reading beautifully-crafted novel words by now. "You know, to make sure I'm headed in the right direction."

      She took a stack of crudely-scrawled pages into her lap, holding them expectantly as though she were holding the gilded, historically-glorified leaflets of a classic work rather than the scribbled manuscript of a half-finished autobiography. Wait, no; despite the obvious, Rainbow swore that the novel was not about her, no way would she do that. It was clearly about another distant pony, one without any parallels whatsoever in dreams, ambitions, or general attitude.

      She looked around the circle, before taking a deep breath and finding the first line of the page, marking it with a hooftip as she addressed her audience. "Welcome to the first reading by me, Rainbow Dash, and now, without further ado, here is 'Being Awesome, a novel."

Ponies say she's the best.

It started a while back. A stallion met a mare, that mare decided the stallion wasn't half bad, and she could probably do worse. But really though, that's everyone's story, right? Right? Right.

So, anyway, and let me spare you the details, they fall in love, mushy stuff, birds and bees, and then a stork comes knocking on the door. But with his feathers, so it doesn't actually make a knocking sound. You know, figuratively.

Let me tell you, to this day I have no idea how that bird--y'know, figurative bird-- was able to carry that package, because it was more than a foal inside. Way more.

That stork was carrying awesomeness.

     Rarity made an involuntary noise, almost a snicker, as she quickly covered her mouth, looking down in shame with a stifled grin still being fought down behind her hoof.

     "What?" Rainbow snapped, catching the helpless mare in an inescapable death glare.

     "I-It's just..." She removed her hoof, replacing it in her lap and stretching out her face muscles, regaining a serious expression, albeit with difficulty. "Nevermind dear, it's nothing. Please continue, Rainbow Dash."

So suddenly, those two ponies had a foal. Legend has it that on the day of her birth, a giant rainbow dashed across the sky, right over their cloud house, and her parents did the only logical thing with her name. From that day, everypony knew that little Color Smash was something special.

    Applejack grunted under her breath in amusement as Rainbow Dash continued reading, the skepticism on her audience's faces slipping under her radar. The farm pony leaned to her side, whispering in Pinkie Pie's ear.

     "Color Smash? Really?"

     The pink pony giggled.

...until after the incident, even though the headmaster was never quite the same and sometimes, the walls still smelled like strawberry rhubarb.

If anything, however, it made her even more popular than she already was. Colts in her class were always trying to get at that flank, and Color was getting pretty tired of having to turn them down all the time. Like, one a day.

And none of them were cool or anything, so it was hard but necessary work.

When she wasn't beating fillies and colts off with a stick, Color Smash was flying. She made it her goal to be faster and more agile than any other pony in her class, probably even in Cloudsdale. Color wanted to live up to her name, of greatness, of victory, and of awesomeness. And to be honest, it probably wouldn't be so hard, but, like every other goal in life, it would take a little work.

      Five ponies passed quick glances between one another, pleased with Rainbow Dash's small but true sentiment.

At the crack of dawn every morning, she was out in the sky, working those feathery beauties 'til her muscles were beat. She did loops and flips and spins until they were as easy to Color Smash as breathing. The sky was empty, but she never flew by herself.

Color always pictured herself flanked by other pegasi, hair all wild as they flew next to her, blue suits like second skins on their tight, slender, glistening bodies...

Uh, yeah, that was her dream, from then on. Knowing Color, it was just a matter of time. Unless they let fillies join too, which to this day she regrets looking up, because that would've saved her a heck of a lot of trouble.

But life wasn't all fun and games in Cloudsdale for Color Smash. At first, she ditched a class or two every now and then, until she started skipping every week, several times a week. I guess she just realized that school can suck it.

I mean, not everyone is born to sit behind a desk. Color wasn't an egghead bookworm, she was a free spirit who wanted to go out into the world to make her own destiny, instead of sit at a dusty table and lick books all day.

     Twilight looked affronted. "Hey!" She crossed her hooves at her chest, as Applejack delivered a reassuring pat to the unicorn's back. "I only did that because it was an enchanted book, and it was made of jelly. You know that very well, Rainbow Dash."

     That was true, yes, but Rainbow Dash could not get the hilarious image of that ludicrous time she walked into the library to find the librarian sitting on the floor, quaintly licking a large tome like a kitten.

     Maybe she should put that into her novel.

     "Whatever. Anyway..."

Eventually, the law caught up to her. Apparently, you can't ditch so many days, because it slides you down the grading curve when you miss so much material, or something like that. Turns out, schools really don't like being told to suck it.

Schools won't suck anything.  Take that as a lesson, kids.

So Color moved on, punching the grading curve in the throat and leaving her school days behind her. When she got home, her parents were ticked off hardcore. They wouldn't let her back inside, and from that moment on, Color Smash, now a young mare, was on her own.

She would never return to that house again.

     As Rainbow Dash's voice took a turn for the somber, silence also befell her listeners. Even the perpetual-party-Pinkie sat still and tucked her hooves in her lap, watching, with sorrowful eyes, her friend swallow once and continue to read.

For the first week, Color Smash was pretty much a hobo, like eating cans and stuff, because that's the true meaning of being a hobo. It wasn't so bad though, she got way more flying in. Her wings must've gotten double as strong and fast by moving from place to place, just in that week alone.

After a few days, word got out that Color was hobo-ing it, and she was practically dragged to stay with a school friend, Flappin' Brave.

Color still thinks that Flappin' had a pretty ironic name; the filly was scared of everything. Like flying, falling while flying, breaking a wing while flying, getting hit by a bird while flying...

     Fluttershy looked around at her friends, before cloaking her face in thick curtains of pink hair, looking guiltier and redder than a filly caught muzzle-deep in the cookie jar.

    Rainbow Dash continued to read, her voice growing louder as the list grew more ridiculous.

...rocks, sticks, loud noises, flying sticks; there was a lot. Anyway, as soon as Flappin' Brave realized that Color was a hobo, she basically forced her to stay with her, and every time Color tried to explain that hobo-ing was awesome and she should give it a try, she couldn't, because Flappin' was shoving soup down her throat. One time, she even shoved the whole spoon down there, and Color just took it and swallowed and digested it like a pro, because that's just how she does.

     Fluttershy could feel the veritable heat of four other pairs of eyes on her, and looked up, mouthing words with a furious blush. "That didn't happen."

After living on soup for about a month, Color was out, flying around as usual. She noticed that the day was especially cloudy, and she figured that the usual weather team had bigger fish to fry, so she'd do them a favor. So, Color lined up all the clouds as fast as a whistle, and beat the crap out of every single one of 'em.

Turns out, it was a weather team drill, and they didn't like a random pegasus swooping in ruining everything, so that wasn't too good.

But, it actually was pretty good when a scout came to Flappin' Brave's house later that day, looking for Color. Flappin' wanted to mace him, but Color pushed her aside, it wasn't hard.

"Saw your moves out there with the clouds today," he said, squinting in awe of Color Smash. "There's an opening on the Ponyville Weather Patrol, we could use somepony like you."

He continued, "Plus, we can make you manager right away, there's great pay, and you get to lead the tornado patrol, which the Wonderbolts occasionally oversee."

And that's how Color moved to Ponyville.

So, now with a stable job and a pretty sweet life, Color got to focus all her attention on becoming a Wonderbolt. She had loads of support from her new friends in Ponyville too.

There was Commodity, who owned a fru-fru little shop in the town square, she was pretty cool, but a little obsessive.

     Rarity scoffed, plopping her head down in a hoof and looking more than a little displeased.

Greeny Vegetable, a crazy, bouncy pony who worked in the bakery, and laughed loud enough to wake an Ursa...

     Pinkie Pie shrugged, looking around at her friends with the darndest 'it's true' grin.

Orangebob, the local farmpony with a competitive streak, and Flappin' Brave, who moved to Ponyville not long after Color did, probably due to awesomeness withdrawal.

Everything was awesome, and Color Smash was having the time of her life with her best friends.

     Four listening ponies smiled affectionately, while the fifth felt dread bubble in her stomach. Had she somehow spun Rainbow Dash's life off it's good axis with her arrival?

One day, this new pony moved to town, on special orders from Princess Celestia. She wasn't supportive of her joining the Wonderbolts at first, but Color showed her up real good real fast.

Then this big deal happened, something with an evil enemy who wanted to send the world spinning into eternal darkness and despair, and they discovered that the six of them were more than friends forever and something with the Objects of Unison, but that's a long story, and writing is hard for a pegasus without magic.

So anyway, peace and harmony was restored, and Morning Dullness was now an official member of Color's Criminal Gang of Badassery.

After that, Color Smash and Company were national heroes, and things were double as awesome. Color didn't have to walk anymore, because everyone in town always wanted to carry her on their shoulders, but she turned them down, like a true humble champion.

After hearing of their awesome victory, Princess Celestia flew in from Canterlot to award Color a medal and a personal high five and a lifetime supply of cake, but the banquet got ruined by parasprites. So, that's why she never got any of those things and doesn't have them now. If you asked Color Smash today, that would be the reason.

So then another villain appeared pretty much out of nowhere, Order, the God of Organization. The Objects of Unison were called in again, and Color Smash led the assault with a perfect uppercut to the throat while simultaneously doing a Sonic Rainboom. She punched him so hard that his whole body didn't know what to do, so it turned to stone, and he's still stone today. And hopefully stoned too, because being a rock for all eternity must be boring as Tartarus.

Again, life was awesome. Princess Luna wanted to give Color Smash a lifetime supply of sunglasses, but was stopped by a manticore, and that's totally what happened.

A while later, Color Smash and the Gang got invited to a wedding, where Color single-handedly kicked the crap out of a Changeling swarm and saved everyone. The others were there too, but still.

You know who else was there? The Wonderbolts, that's who.

After Color Smash ditched them at the Large Trotting Ball, they were pretty desperate to catch her attention.

"Hey," Salivaflame said, coming up to Color. "You are the best flier I've ever seen, and the Wonderbolts would be honored to have you."

Color stared ahead of her, and didn't say anything.

Salivaflame came real close, right up to Color, practically whispering in her ear. "We could even make you captain right now, you know. And by we, I mean me." She said seductively.

Color Smash threw her arm around Salivaflame, pulling her up to the leather jacket she was wearing the whole time. She stared at the mountains, her eyes all narrow and steely. "Sorry babe, you can tie me down. You can't tie down a free bird."

She  turned down. "You gotta let me fly, babe. Gotta let me be free." Salivaflame fainted.

Color Smash walked away, and suddenly, there was a huge explosion behind her. She just up and flew into the sunset, kicked Discord once right in the kisser for good luck, which kind of hurt because he was stone and all, and didn't look back. She never bucking looked back.

The end.

     Rainbow Dash plopped down her pages, looking up and surveying her listeners, beaming a smile grander than Twilight's at a science fair. "Well? Told you it was awesome."

    Five pairs of incredulous eyes stared back at her, none wholly sure of what they'd just heard. While the others froze more solid than stoned stone Discord, Rarity fidgeted with her hooves in her lap, twisting them nervously as she looked around the circle, imploring someone else to speak. Twilight met her look and opened her mouth, taking one for the team.

     "It was..." The words backed up in her mouth as she dumped file after file out in her brain, sifting hastily for the right words. "It was...interesting."

     Rarity chimed in. "Yes, interesting. A bit factually inaccurate, dear."

     "And a little offensive..." Fluttershy chirped, quiet as a hummingbird.

       "I liked it!" Pinkie Pie disagreed, thrusting a hoof into the air and waving it about, smiling wide.

     "I tend to agree with Fluttershy on this one, sugarcube." Applejack sighed, looking very much like she would have traded Elements with anyone else right then. "You're not gonna try to get it published, are ya?" The truth hurt.

     The cyan pegasus fell silent, as the atmosphere became a glass orb, suspended by a string and ready to shatter at any moment. Twilight chewed her lower lip. What had they done? Had they, by not supporting her insane novel, destroyed her ambition for literature and demolished possibly any and all  appreciation the athletic mare had for the written word?

     In a moment's decision, the unicorn was ready to lie, launch compliments for the sake of her friend, when, suddenly, Rainbow's face broke like an egg, a huge smile cracking across it.

     "Bahaha, what, you thought I was serious with this? Haha, that's rich!" Catching their confused expressions, she continued, wiping a tear of mirth from her eye. "No way! This was just about getting you guys off my tail about doing something other than flying!"

     "So, you're not going to publish that dreadful novel?" Rarity asked, looking aghast and confused, and earning herself a whap from Twilight.

     "Haha, no duh, it sucks."

      Pinkie looked disappointed.

      With that, Applejack stood, thumping Rainbow playfully on the shoulder and giving a hoot of laughter. "That's a relief," she said, "I can always count on a trick from you, Rainbow Dash."

    Twilight followed. "I'm thankful those shenanigans are over, but," she leaned into Rainbow, "Don't stop writing. Or, reading at least."

     The pegasus gave a short laugh.

     "Yeah."

*~*~*

     Night fell quickly and Rainbow Dash found herself back in her room, watching the moon inch up the pitch sky. She turned, adjusting her seat at her one and only wooden desk, equipped with all the fixings for a night of literary production.

     Ah, finally.

     Finally, she had her friends off her back about the whole "using her brain for something constructive" deal. It was tiring, resisting them, and even more tiring to be under the scrutinizing eye of Twilight whenever she admitted to doing something of intellect. It was almost paternal, the way the unicorn and the rest of her friends would act when Rainbow mentioned anything other than flying, as though she were a filly messing with fine china she had no business handling. Constantly trying to prove herself as more than a dumb Jock was exhausting, and even when she had read the Daring Do series, the pegasus had still felt as though the others expected her to trace her hoof along the words so she wouldn't get lost.

     Finally, the wouldn't bug her anymore. Not with that last novel. No way.

     Now, she could REALLY write.

As a filly, she stood hardly taller than any other, or was hardly more conspicuous or outstanding, but brushed the stars with the top of her mane as she watched the sky, dreams of performance and greatness molding in her pliant young mind, grand dreams of Wonderbolt excellence that would stay with her through maturity...

     Rainbow Dash paused, spitting out her quill as she leaned back to survey her work, grinning. Being awesome was a full-time job.

...Even if she had to make time for friends, over books...

     She snorted with laughter, almost dropping her quill.

...Or friends that licked books.