When You Give a Pony a Box of Plutonium...

by Lord Camembert

Rating: teen
Tags: Twilight Sparkle, Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Adventure, Pinkie Pie
Length: 3280

... she'll want to investigate where it came from, of course!

Twilight makes a startling discovery in Ponyville one day. Pinkie Pie has stumbled across a box of weapons-grade plutonium! The mane six set out to find whomever left the box in Ponyville and keep their beloved home safe from harm.

Who is responsible for the plutonium? Will the meddling ponies (and their dragon, too) be able to stop them? And, most importantly, who left a half-eaten cupcake on the table? Read and find out!

Cover Picture Credit: United States Department of Defence. The image is in the public domain as a work of the US Federal Government.

Published 2012-12-31 16:20:01 UTC
Last updated 2013-05-25 21:17:57 UTC

Foreword

Dear readers,

Greetings to you all! That's right, I am going to say hi to all three of you actually reading this!

First of all, welcome to my first fan-fic... ever. This is also my first foray into creative writing, so feel free to give constructive criticism (if you're going to say it sucks, at least tell me WHY it sucks). I will do my best to respond to any comments, questions, or concerns, though I can almost guarantee it won't be in a timely manner.

This started more-or-less as a stream of consciousness bit of writing (I tend to get "creative" at 4:00 AM), but got turned into a story as I started to like where the train of thought was headed. It's nice to write about something other than the interactions of molecules for a change.

If you are in anyway unsatisfied with this product, call my customer service hotline at 1-800-876-967, and a customer service representative will be with you shortly to give you a full refund on the purchase price of this story. In fact, I'll give you back double what you paid me for it.

Signed,
The Lord of Cheese
Lord Camembert

Peppermint Cupcakes

“Pinkie, where did you even get weapons-grade plutonium?!”

With a single eyebrow raised, Pinkie turned to look at Twilight.

“Weekend’s graded wha? Are you talking about my new pirate balloon sparkle dust?”

Earlier that day

Twilight, out shopping for groceries with Spike, had spotted Pinkie walking by Town Hall with a container marked with skull and crossbones. The exchange had gone something like this:

“Hello, Pinkie. Found some supplies for Pirate Week, I see.”

“Oh no, silly, it isn’t Pirate Week. I found this box in an alley by Sugarcube Corner!” Pinkie was, as usual, her cheerful self.

“Pinkie… that box has a skull and crossbones on the side… if you found it in an alley it might be something dangerous.”

Spike concurred, saying, “Twilight’s usually right about these things, y’know,” before jumping off the lavender mare’s back to talk to Rarity, who had just walked by carrying a basket of amethysts.

“Don’t be silly, Twilight! It was outside Sugarcube Corner and we’re in Ponyville! Since when has anything bad ever happened here?”

Twilight glanced at the damage done to the town by the latest monsters of the week, a gang of juvenile dragons.

Her expression confident, Pinkie proclaimed, “Besides, Twilight, my Pinkie sense would have warned me if anything bad was going to happen!”

As if on cue, Twilight saw Pinkie’s tail start to twitch. Pinkie pushed Twilight to the side immediately before a potted plant landed where she had been standing. Pinkie continued, saying, “See? Still working!”

Twilight’s confusion at a potted plant falling in the middle of the clearing near Town Hall was quickly replaced with concern when she saw what lay on the ground. In her haste to push Twilight out of the way, Pinkie had dropped the metallic-grey box on the ground, spilling its contents.

“Pinkie! Is that what I think it is?!”

“Of course it is! I was just as surprised to find it laying around as you are!”

Too panicked to correct Pinkie’s grammatical error, Twilight teleported both them and the box to her library basement. The now-panicked librarian began pacing nervously. Pinkie had a worried expression on her face.

“Uh oh, Twilight, did you forget to send a letter to Princess Celestia again?! Don’t panic, Twilight, we’ll find Spike!”

Pinkie reached to the side then pulled her hoof back, having somehow conjured a quill and paper. Both were slapped out of her hands by Twilight, who seemed to have gained a small measure of composure.

“Pinkie, where did you even get weapons-grade plutonium?!”

With a single eyebrow raised, Pinkie turned to look at Twilight.

“Weekend’s graded wha? Are you talking about my new pirate balloon sparkle dust? And I told you, I found it near Sugarcube Corner!”

“You’re absolutely sure? You didn’t see anyone put it there? No shady ponies wearing trench coats?”

“Well, Rarity walked by wearing a new hat…”

“No one suspicious? I really need to know, Pinkie!”

Pinkie was silent for a moment as she thought.

“Well,” she said, slowly, “there was this one pony…”

Twilight leaned in. “Yes?”

“He was near Sugarcube Corner…”

Her voice rising, Twilight leaned in further. “Yes?”

“And he was very suspicious!”

Her voice at its highest, Twilight leaned in so close her face nearly touched Pinkie’s. “Yes?!”

“He didn’t come in to Sugarcube Corner! And we had just made a batch of peppermint cupcakes!”

“YES?!”

“And… that’s it!”

“Did he go by the alley, Pinkie?!”

“No. But he was veeeeery suspicious! No pony can resist a fresh batch of peppermint cupcakes!”

An exasperated Twilight let out a frustrated grunt and slumped to the ground. In her new position, she closed her eyes and mused about what they should do with the contents of the box. When she next opened her eyes, Pinkie lay in front of her, supine, staring her right in the eyes.

Twilight was the first to speak. “Ok, Pinkie, we need to tell the princess about what you found. It’s really dangerous!”

“Why? It’s just decorations!”

“No, Pinkie, you don’t understand. The fact that you found this in the middle of nowhere means that someone may be trying to hurt a lot of ponies.”

Confused, Pinkie inquired, “With decorations?”

Twilight sighed. Acquiescing, she replied, “Yes, Pinkie. With decorations.”

Pinkie gasped. She spoke rapidly, saying, “Who would even think to do such a thing? Decorations are meant for decorating, not hurting ponies! Why, when I find the pony who did this, I’m gonna—“

Twilight had covered Pinkie’s mouth with her hoof. While Pinkie continued trying to speak, making various muffled noises, Twilight calmly explained. “You’re right, Pinkie. I can’t imagine who would want to do this. However, right now we need to get in touch with the princess. For now, we’ll leave the box in here, okay?”

Still unable to speak, Pinkie nodded energetically.

Twilight levitated the box and tucked it into a corner of the laboratory, behind a box of Erlenmeyer flasks and graduated cylinders before covering it with a fire tarp. Worrying that the pony who left the box near Sugarcube Corner in the first place might come looking for it, she cast an invisibility spell over it.

“Good. Come on, Pinkie. I just need to lock up, and then we’ve got a dragon to find! Erm, Pinkie?!”

A flash of pink had whisked past Twilight and out the door, leaving Twilight to catch up.

“Pinkie! Wait up!”

Twilight raced out after the pink blur, leaving the lab door open behind her.

From his perch not too far away from the Ponyville Library, a stallion in a trench coat watched a pink blur fly past, followed by a lavender mare that clearly had never before needed move so quickly. With an ominous laugh, he took a bite of the freshly made cupcake on his plate. He quickly spat it out before getting up from his table. He muttered to himself as he walked towards the library.

“Eugh,” he said.

“I hate peppermint.”

The Chase Is On!

When You Give a Pinkie a Box of Plutonium

Chapter 2

The Chase is On!

“Welcome to the Carousel Boutique, where everything is—OH MY DEAR CELESTIA!”

Rarity’s usual greeting was interrupted when a pink blur broke through the front window of the boutique, showering everypony inside in glass.

“What’s going on? Who’s there,” Spike questioned. He had burst from the top of a large pile of gems in the middle of the boutique, apparently having been tasked to search through them by Rarity.

Lying on the ground was Rarity, her expression locked in a mix of rage and shock. She was covered in glass, much of which had gotten caught in her hair. As she got up, she surveyed her surroundings. Immediately near her was even more glass, as well as a set of shattered crystals she had been carrying. Looking to her left, she saw several new dresses, each representing days of inspired hard work, torn to shreds by the glass storm. To her right was the pile of crystals topped by Spike. In front of her was Pinkie Pie, raising a megaphone to her mouth. Rarity tried to move her forehooves to her ears, but was too late.

“HI, RARITY!”

That had done it. Rarity heard her heart shatter, which seemed strange, as it sounded exactly like the sound of even more glass shattering. Once she was able to raise herself from the floor again, she turned around to see that the large wall mirror, as well as every small vanity mirror in the boutique, had shattered underneath the pink pony’s aural assault. The room turned silent, save for the soft thud of a white mare’s jaw hitting the floor.

The door opened, causing the attached bell to ring sweetly. Twilight stood at the doorstep and froze. She looked left. Then she looked right. Then straight ahead. When she saw Rarity, she ran to her side, attempting to calm the flabbergasted fashionista.

“Rarity! Rarity, are you alright? Please, talk to me!”

“I, I, I, I, you, her, Spike, the mirrors,” stammered Rarity, clearly still unable to accept what had just happened.

“Pinkie Pie! There was a door!”

“I know, Twilight, but this was so urgent that I didn’t want to stop for anything!”

“But you broke all the glass in the building!”

“But I—”

“All the glass! How did you even… never mind. That’s not important right now. Spike! We need you to send a message.”

Spike attempted to climb down the pile of crystals, but tripped on the way down, hitting the ground unceremoniously.

“Ow… what is it, Twilight?”

“Here,” said Twilight as she levitated a rolled piece of parchment over to him, “send this to the princess, now!”

“Okay, no need to be pushy! What’s so important anyways?”

“All of Equestria could be in grave danger!”

“From what?”

“I’m not entirely sure, but I think somepony is going to try and hurt a lot of ponies, and we need to find out who. Pinkie Pie found a box of dangerous materials, stuff that wouldn’t be just lying around Ponyville.”

Rarity, who seemed to recover from her daze at the mention of ponies getting hurt, walked over to join Spike and Twilight.

“Pardon me, Twilight, but who would ever want to do such a thing?”

“That’s the thing: we don’t know. Neither Pinkie nor I saw anyone suspicious near the box.”

“And where is it now?”

“Safely stored inside the library. No one will be able to get past the locks I have set up in my lab!”

Pinkie interrupted, saying, “Hey, what about the pony I saw who refused a fresh batch of delicious cupcakes from Sugarcube Corner? He was real suspicious looking!”

“Pinkie,” Twilight replied, “for the last time, not buying a peppermint cupcake does not make a pony suspicious.”

“Oh, hey Fluttershy!”

Spike’s interruption caused everyone else in the room to look towards the door, where Fluttershy was hovering.

“Oh, hello Spike. And hi, girls. I, um, overheard Pinkie coming in.”

Every gaze in the room turned to the pink mare as Fluttershy continued.

“I heard you talking about a pony who refused to buy cupcakes… well, once you left, he bought one, then threw it away. I think he was walking towards the library…”

Pinkie Pie gasped, then shouted “Oh no! He must be going to steal the box!”

“Pinkie Pie, that’s ridiculous. He probably just wasn’t that hungry,” replied Twilight.

Rarity added, “And he was probably just going to the library to look for a book, dear—where are you going?”

Pinkie Pie was out the door and well on her way by the time Rarity finished her question, prompting the remaining Rarity and Twilight to chase after her.

“PINKIE PIE,” all of them yelled, “WAIT FOR US!”

Fluttershy, having been left behind, landed and waited for a moment, pondering her next move.

“Um, maybe I should go get Applejack and Rainbow Dash,” she suggested, as if waiting for a response. “Right, then.”

* * * * *

Near the Ponyville Post Office, a grey pegasus mailmare had just finished collecting all of the mail in her bag. A loud sound had startled her earlier, and, being a bit of a klutz, she crashed into the nearest wall. Giving her bag a concerned, wall-eyed glance, she prepared to take off to deliver the rest of her charges. She flapped her wings and began to ascend, bobbing up and down as she slowly gained altitude.

Just as she began to pick up forward speed, however, another loud sound caused her to lose her concentration, and she plummeted again.

“WHO WAS IN MY LIBRARY?!”

The mailmare tried to land on her hooves, but the ground seemed to be violently shaking, as if a massive earthquake had struck the town. She crashed into another wall, again spilling the contents of her mailbag. She glanced towards the library, and wondered what could possibly have inspired such rage.

* * * * *

Twilight was mad. Twilight was enraged. Twilight was seething. Her library was a wreck; books strewn about, the potted plants knocked over and the dirt scattered, every door open at an odd angle, and, worst of all, Twilight’s beloved gold-framed portrait of the sovereign Princess Celestia was tossed to the ground, the canvas torn. This affront to her mentor’s dignity and authority caused her to snap, and she briefly shone with the brilliance of a sun as she spontaneously ignited!

Rarity, concerned at the sight of her friend spontaneously combusting, walked over to her. “Twilight, dear, please calm down! Getting upset won’t help us find the culprit any more quickly!”

Twilight raged, “I WILL DESTROY HIM!”

Pinkie seemed to ignore Twilight and Rarity, instead opting to pull out a magnifying glass and begin searching the library. As she walked through the stacks of books, she approached the stairs to the lab, her laser-guided focus causing her to stumble down the stairs. Rarity and a newly doused Twilight followed.

Twilight gasped. “Oh no! I must have left the door unlocked! I hope whoever it was didn’t find the… oh no….”

The box was gone. In its place was a small piece of paper, which Twilight picked up with her magic. She tried to read the contents of the paper, but couldn’t understand the jumble of odd symbols on the page. At this moment, Rarity chimed in.

“I think he must have just left; we weren’t at the boutique for long. Perhaps he’s still near the library.”

All three ponies dashed up the stairs and out the library. “There,” shouted Pinkie Pie, visibly irked.

“That’s the guy what didn’t want any cupcakes earlier! And he’s got my box!”

“Quick,” said Twilight, “let’s get him!”

The pony in the trench coat noticed his newly found pursuers and took off.

“I think he’s heading towards the train station,” shouted Twilight.

As Twilight and Pinkie raced after the mysterious stallion, Rarity paused and raised a foreleg in protest.

“But girls,” she whined, “I’ll get all icky!”

“Rarity! Now is not the time!”

Rarity let out an exasperated groan and began to run after the girls.

The chase was on! Leaving the clearing surrounding Twilight’s library, the suspicious stallion entered the crowded market, forcing his pursuers to slow down. As Twilight and Rarity struggled to keep sight of each other and their target, Pinkie Pie bounced up and down through the crowd, shouting “There he is!” with each hop. Ponies grunted and remarked as the bunch made their way through the sea of customers.

In a less crowded portion of the market, the pony with the box stopped and looked behind himself. At the sight of the pink mare hopping after him, he took off again, uttering some choice words as he leapt over a nearby fruit stand. Pinkie followed him unfettered, but Twilight and Rarity had been focusing too much on Pinkie to notice the stand. They were brought to a sudden stop as produce was sent flying in all directions, coating most of the ponies nearby in multicolor mush. Twilight and Rarity quickly came to their senses and shook off the remains of the fruit, and moved to catch up with the chase.

As the group left the market, the chase picked up speed. The stallion’s movement was aimed straight towards the train station, at the other end of another clearing in the town’s streets. With the stallion’s increased speed, Pinkie fell behind, regrouping with the others as they crossed the final few yards to the train station.

The station was full, as they had arrived just as the last train of the day was boarding. The stallion ran into the line to purchase tickets, and a large group piled in behind him. Twilight, Pinkie, and Rarity tried to close the distance, but their attempts were rebuffed by the ornery crowd.

“Hey, I was here first! Get back!”

“That’s my ticket, and I’m not letting anyone else get it!”

“Watch it, bub!”

Pinkie had stopped jumping, instead opting to try and conceal herself within the queue of irate ponies. Faced with little other choice, everypony involved in the chase stood in line to buy a ticket. They kept their eyes on the trench-coat-wearing stallion ahead, who didn’t seem to be paying much attention to them.

“He probably thinks we gave up,” observed Twilight. “Good. Maybe we can catch him if we get onto the train.”

Rarity’s face contorted into one of concern. “Twilight, you don’t mean to suggest that we follow this strange stallion all the way to Manehattan, do you?”

“Well, we don’t really have a choice. We’ve got to stop him before he gets away with that plutonium.”

Pinkie Pie spoke, having stopped trying to get past the line ahead of them. “We can’t let him get away with that box!”

“But don’t you two think it might be best to let the Royal Guard handle this? I know that we usually run to the rescue when there’s trouble afoot, but this might be beyond us, girls.”

Twilight opened her mouth as if to object, but simply said, “Maybe you’re right. But we can’t just let him get away now. At the very least, we’ll have to follow him to Manehattan, then we’ll try to find some members of the Guard. Besides, my letter to Princess Celestia should provoke an investigation anyways.”

“Well… alright, then,” said Rarity. Her face changed to one of determination. “We shall follow this stallion to Manehattan if we must!”

Time passed and the line dwindled, leaving only the three girls to purchase their tickets. The stallion they were chasing had already boarded, metal box in hoof. As they approached the train, Pinkie Pie insisted on wearing her spy outfit, complete with night vision goggles, eliciting a groan from Twilight and Rarity. They boarded the train and took their seats, leaving Pinkie to her antics.

Pinkie stealthily clambered into her seat. “He won’t see us coming, heh heh heh heh…”

Author's Note

The link is for a copy of "The Jazz Police," a tune which kept running through my head as I imagined the chase in this chapter. The original was a little long, though, so I arranged a short version for this story. Original tune by Gordon Goodwin.

I promise to update more frequently; I just got caught up in college work and didn't have any time to write, but now I should be able to put these out semi-regularly.