"What the hell Pinkie?"

by Pyrefly_91

Rating: teen
Tags: Dark, Alternate Universe, Comedy, Random, Crossover
Length: 4960

We all know that Pinkie doesn't always do things that are possible with physics, right? Well Pyrefly is gonna get mind fucked one random afternoon when Pinkie manages to break the fabrics of denominational separation. Ohhh, this is gonna suck.

The day was progressing like any normal day in Ponyville would. But somehow, Pyrefly manages to get messed up in a typical Pinkie Pie antic. But things quickly change from bad to worse to "Oh shit, Pinkie! What hell have you done?"

First quick, free flow fic with no prewriting. I'm not even editing this, so you guys are my eyes. You see something, PM or leave me a comment.

A Gremlins Crossover
Also rated teen for Language and other things that I have no idea that will happen.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2013-02-20 09:27:35 UTC

All Was Quiet....

"Pyrefly! Are you still asleep? It's 1 in the afternoon, get your lazy ass out of bed!"

'Why is it that almost every day I don't have anything to do, I wake up to Icy screaming at me?'

"Did you hear me! Get up!" My sister continued to scream through my bedroom door.

"Yeah yeah, I heard you. Now find you snooze button for me and give yourself a good hit. I'll be out in a minute."

'Man, if Dash was here, she may have already had me up to go work out. I really hate waking up to screaming. At least with Rainbow its a cuddle and a kiss before we head out. Not to mention Ice wouldn't dare scream at RD.'

Suddenly my bed sheets flash froze, forcing me out of bed. "What the hell Ice! Why the fuck did you go and do that?" I asked in a rage as I opened the door to my room and walked out, heading for the kitchen, where my evil sister was making lunch/breakfast.

"Next time I'll just freeze you and drag you out. "

"I don't have any duties today and Dash is in Cloudsdale till the weekend. Why do I NEED to be up?"

"Because its Handsome Thunder's birthday next week and I NEED you to go to Sugar Cube Corner and ask the Cakes if they could bake him something special and ask them if they could ship it to Las Pegasus for me." She spat at me with malice.

"Really? Why can't you do it." I complained, really not wanting to have anything to do with her pen pal crush. "I mean, come on! He's your friend! Take care of your own damn errands."

Ice Dancer simple shot one of her trademark glares of loathing at me, shrinking my bravado down to the size of a pea.

"FINE! You win. Just stop starring at me like that. Damn!" I said in defeat.

"Good," she responded as she levitated my saddle bag into the room with her magic and dropped it painfully on my back. "Everything you need is in there. Just go to the Cake's and drop off the contents. And don't you dare look in there, or so help me Celestia! I'll freeze you till Rainbow comes back. Got it!"

"Yeah, I got it. Drop the bag off to the Cake's WITHOUT opening it  and RD wont come back to find I've been turned into a snowpony." I repeated defiantly.

"Yay!" Icy squealed, reverting back to her happy-go-lucky demeanor, which is pretty much whenever she gets her way, and I usually end up suffering for it.

So, with my saddle bag full of who knows what, I started out towards my destination. But there was no way in hell I was going straight there. Oh no, I had other plans. For example, I slow-mo walked to the library to see what Twilight was up to.

I arrived at the library home of the book smart, street dumb, unicorn, and I was greeted by a cacophony of yelps that I assumed came from Spike as something, or somepony, was chasing him around the interior of the hollowed out tree.

'Well, this should make for an interesting visit.' I think to myself as I open the door and narrowly dodge a stray spell intended for the draconic assistant.

"Spike, stay still! I need to use you to try this gender-bending spell on!"

"Oh, no Twilight! I have no problem being your guinea pig for a lot of your spells, but I refuse to do this one!"

"Oh come on Spike," I say as I walk through the door into the foyer. "For all you know, Rarity may not be attracted to you because she's into mares. This could be your way in."

Spike stopped run and thought about my entering words. Then his face twisted into several different features that happened way too fast for me to catch more than a few. I could have sworn I saw one of intrigue, and then a look of disgust, then quickly to a look of sear puzzlement.

"So, I see your working on spells again today, eh Twi?" I ask the lavender mare as she too tried to work out what all of Spike's expressions meant.

"Yeah," she responded. "I was hoping to actually learn a few of the spells we faked during the Trixie crisis."

"So you started this when?"

"A few hours ago."

"And you've been chasing Spike around for the whole time?"

"Yup."

"Ok, so one last question. Why in the hell would you start off with a gender-bending spell?!"

"I thought it was the most interesting of them all."

"Whatever floats your balloon Twi. Well, anyways, I just stopped by to see if you had the new Daring Doo book yet. I was hoping to get my hooves on it before Rainbow gets back from Cloudsdale."

"Yeah, its right over there with the others." Twilight said as she pointed to the shelf behind where Spike was standing, still lost in a sea of mixed emotions caused by my joke.

"Thanks Twi." I said as I flew over to the shelf and quickly grabbed the desired book and headed for the door.

As I flew out the tree, I heard Spike finally submitting to the spell. Twilight let out a yip of pleasure and then the area around the library flashed with the purple glow of the unicorn's magic.

'Man is Spike gonna be pissed to find out that I was kidding about Rarity being a Fillyfooler.' I laughed to myself as I made my way to my next destination, Sweet Apple Acres.

When I got there, I was disappointed to find that there was nothing interesting going on, Just AJ and Big Mac apple bucking like usual. I grabbed a few apples for myself and continued on my way.

"What the hell to do next?" I asked myself as I few back to town. Since I couldn't think of anything else to do, which was a shame, I decided to finally make my way to Sugar Cube Corner.

As I glided up to the confectionery, the sounds of screaming and laughter were erupting from the depths of the bakery. I was suddenly gripped by the desire to turn flank and get my ass home, far away from the menacing noises that reached my ears, but then the thought of being turned into an ice cube till the weekend forced me to enter. And what is it I find when I open the door? Well, none other than Pinkie Pie standing on her hind legs laughing maniacally in front of a swirling worm hole of unknown origin while Mr. and Mrs. Cake scream in utter terror at the sight in front of them. As I gawked at the scene before me, only one phrase was able to escape my mouth.

"What the hell Pinkie!"

...Then It Began...

"Um, Pinkie, what the hell is going on?" I yell, trying to be heard over the Cake's cries of terror. Pinkie had gone from laughing like a lunatic, to dancing like a nut job.

Pinkie just continued to dance around the tear in the fabric of existence, until she finally caught sight of my waving my forelegs frantically trying to get her attention. She then proceeded to casually saunter up to me like there was nothing wrong at all, as if a huge fucking wormhole was not swirling in the center of the bakery.

"Oh, hiya, Pyrefly! Why are you waving your forelegs around like that? You look crazy when you do that silly." She giggled. "So, what's up?"

"Pinkie, excuse me for asking, but why the hell is there a open fucking wormhole in the middle of the bakery!" I shouted after I was seen as the one out of place here.

"Oh, that old thing? Its just my Matter Re-positioning Displacement Matrix. Or my MRDM for short!" She replied, as if it was common knowledge to everypony what it was and that she had one.

"Right," I said, thinking about the 5 billion new questions that now popped into my head at this new information. "So, this, what did you call it again?" I asked.

"Its my Matter Re-positioning Displacement Matrix."

"Ah yes, of course. Its your Matter Re-positioning Displacement Matrix-"

"Or MRDM!" Pinkie chimed in.

"Yes, of course, how the hell could I have forgotten the acronym? Thank you Pinkie. So, where did you get your MRDM? I've never seen this before, and I've been around for sometime now."

"I made it silly. And you're the first pony to ever see it."

"What do you mean I'm the first pony to see this thing? It's impossible to miss! The damn thing takes up a whole fucking room!"

"Well, to be honest, I think somethings wrong. Usually its not suppose to be visible in this plane of existence. I made it so that only I knew it existed. I think something is trying to come through, which I didn't think could happen, since I designed it so that I could pop up in random places when ever I wanted."

'OH MY CELESTIA! Did Pinkie just pull a Twilight? What the hell!' I thought to myself as I listened to Pinkie sound uncharacteristically smart. Then something she just said hit me like a chicken riding a scooter. 'Wait did she just say what I think she just said?'

"Did you just say this thing is what lets you pop out of fucking no where? Then how do you defy physics all the time? And is it just me, or did the Cake's finally get tired of screaming and just walk away?"

"Yes, not telling, and yes." Pinkie said, still kind of lost in thought over what the hell her Re-placing Matter Displacement Matrix thingy was doing. "I just wonder what could be happening. The voices in my head helped me design it a long time ago, but never once did they tell me that stuff could travel through it besides me."

'Voices in her head? Great, everyone's suspicions where true. Pinkie is an escaped psychopath!'

"Pinkie, I think we should get this thing  over to Twilight. Maybe she can help figure all this out. After all, she is the brains of the band of misfits we are."

Suddenly Pinkie's mane deflated, and her eyes began to drift farther apart than Derpy's. She turned my way and I was suddenly filled with the fear that I would soon wake up in a basement about to be mutilated and gutted simple to make a batch of delicious cupcakes. But then just as suddenly, her mane re-inflated with a poof that sounded from no where and put on a huge grin.

"That's a GREAT idea Pyrefly! Lets use the MRDM and get there lickity split!"

"Ah, Pinkie, don't you think it would be SAFER if we just walked there, figuring the thing is acting all wonky right now?"

"That's a great idea too!"

'Really Pinkie, I never thought the day would come when I'd think you were ever gonna get weirder.'

"Oh you haven't seen nothing yet Pyrefly!" Pinkie said, bouncing past me with her 'thing' following close behind her.

"Did you just read my mind?" I asked as I followed behind her.

"Did you just say something?" The party pony asked, glancing back at me as she continued on.

"What? Ha? You know what? Forget it. Let's just get to Twi's and fix that damn swirling thing."

"Okie dokie Loki!"

'How did dropping off directions for a birthday cake for Icy's coltfriend turn into this?'

And just as that thought crossed my mind, the memory of my punishment for failing to complete my errand for my little sister flashed back into my brain.

'Fuck! I'm gonna go home and get flash frozen till Dash comes back for this!'

'Don't worry Pyrefly, Mr. and Mrs. Cake got you sis' instructions. I gave it to them before we left.'

'What the hell? Pinkie! Are you talking to me telepathically?'

'.....'

"That's it! I'm insane!" I whispered to myself in defeat and fear of how Pinkie was doing all that crazy stuff like read my thoughts and talk in my head.

Thankfully the rest of the walk over to Twilight's was uneventful. As we arrived, we where greeted by the sound of laughter erupting from within the tree.

"Well, looks like Spike found out about my joke first hand. Gullible little dragon." I chuckled to myself.

As Pinkie and I walked through the door, I narrowly dodged a stream of green flames.

"What the hell Pyrefly! I thought you said Rarity was a Fillyfooler!" said a gender-bent Spike.

Pinkie immediately burst into laughter, along with Twilight, who looked like she hadn't been able to breath fully from laughing for a while now. Also joining in on the commotion was AJ, and Rarity herself, whom I assumed where there to talk to Twi but got caught off guard by the now female Spike. And even more to my surprise was that Fluttershy was there too, rolling around on her back, holding her sides, also unable to stop laughing. Which was the second thing I'd never thought I'd ever witness in my life.

"Why are you all laughing at me? This isn't cool! Twilight, Stop laughing for a moment and change me back!" Spike shouted at the lavender unicorn.

"Ok, ok. Just give me a minute!" Twilight said in between bursts or laughter.

"You said that over two hours ago after Rarity and Applejack arrived shortly after Pyrefly left and you cast that damn spell!"

"Alright. Your right Spike. Stand stand still and I'll change you back." Twilight relented.

"It's about damn time," Spike scoffed.

"Hold on a sec," I said, stopping Twi before she could cast the reversion spell. "Spike, I just want to say that you're the one that chose to believe me. I did say she 'maybe' into mares. I never said for sure she was."

"Whatever, Twilight just change me back!"

"Alright Spike, get ready..."

But just as Twilight was about to cast her spell for a second time, she was once again interrupted. Yet It wasn't by anypony in the room. It was by the temporarily forgotten MRDM,, which suddenly began crackling with bolts of electricity. And then, with a burst of light, it vanished from sight.

"What was that light?" Twilight asked, looking around.

"Oh, it was just my MRDM. It must have fixed itself and returned to its personal hammer-space." Pinkie giggled uncontrollably.

"Well,I'm glad that's solved." I said with a sight of relief, just before spotting what looked like a little puff of fur on the floor right in the same spot as Pinkie's swirling vortex from hell just was seconds prior. "Ah, girls-"

"Excuse me?" Said the STILL gender-bent Spike.

Refraining from releasing another audible laugh, I continued as I was. "Ah, GIRLS, I think we may have a problem. What the hell is that thing?"

As all seven pairs of eyes fell on the bizarre puff ball, it began to move and unroll its self. It had brown and white fur, big brown eyes, pointy ears, and a piece of parchment secured to a collar around its neck. Little did we know that that moment was merely the start of a very bad series of events.

...And Then Multiplication Happened...

The silence that filled the library was deafening. No pony made a sound. The only thing that happened was everyone staring at the little ball of fur now fully un-rolled, standing in the middle of the the group of friends. It looked around, wide eyed and, scared?

Spike was the first to react.

"What the hell is that thing?!" He shouted, well screamed. Because of the appearance of the critter, Twilight forgot to turn spike into a boy.

"I don't know," Twilight responded. "I've never seen something like this before, both around Ponyville, or in any book that I've ever read. What do you thing Fluttershy? You're the expert on animals. What do you think it is?"

"I have no idea, I've never seen one of these either." Answered the cream pegasus.

"Well," Applejack started, "He doesn't look dangerous. Actually, it looks kind of -"

"ADORABLE!!!!!" Shrieked Pinke, bolting over to the weird creature, picked it up, and proceeded to trap the thing in one of her infamous 'Pinkie Pie Death Hugs'.

"Pinkie! Let go of it! You gonna hug the dear thing to death." Implored Rarity, who had been constantly gazing over at Spike ever since everyone stopped laughing their asses off

'I think Rarity may really be a Fillyfooler.' I thought to myself, catching her in the act of taking another glance at Fem-Spike. 'But the appearance of this new creature bears more importance than that.'

"Hey, before you crush the thing to death, let's figure out just what it is. Sound good?"

Pinkie, still squeezing the critter, looked over at me, starred a moment, and then tossed the puff ball into the air with an "Okie Dokie Loki!"

Seeing her toss the ball of fluff in to the air, Twilight was first to act, quickly catching it in her magic and gentle placed it at my hooves. Befuddlement shot across my face at this.

"Nice catch Twi, but why are you putting 'IT' in front of me?"

"Because the brave colt should be the one to watch it over during the time it takes a letter to reach Princess Celestia and for her to reply." She answered smugly.

"What? Who the hell came up with that rule?" I asked, my body begging to blaze with my newly risen anger.

" Twilight, I'll take it." Suggested Fluttershy.

"Yes," I said quickly, trying to relay just how much I liked that idea.

"Sorry Fluttershy. But I think Pyrefly should take care of it. After all, Ice Dance can watch it while he's out on weather duty."

"Oh, no! I refuse to contribute to the desecration of whatever the hell that is at the hooves of my little sister!"

Suddenly the room chilled to sub-zero temperatures, which could only mean one thing. Ice Dancer was coming, and she was PISSED!

'FUCK!' was the only thing running through my mind 'I took to long! I dont want to spend the rest of the week frozen!'

As that last thought zoomed to my mind, a flying chunk of ice destroyed the library door, which was exactly where Spike was standing, so he was caught in the explosion and sent flying through the air, and smashing into the opposite wall.

"PYREFLY! I SWEAR TO CELESTIA THAT IF YOU DIDN'T DROP THAT PACKAGE OFF TO THE CAKE'S I'M GONNA - What is that adorable creature doing frozen like that?" Ice started to rage before catching sight of the unknown creature now in cased in a block of ice. She quickly thawed the room, making all the ice melt away. Then she notice Spike unconscious, and that he was a girl. She looked at me, then Twilight, back to Spike, and finally off into space as is all came together. "Pyrefly, you're an ass, you know that right?"

"What? It's not my fault he believed me when I told him Rarity may be a Fillyfooler! But can we please get back to the manticore in the room, please?"

At almost the exact moment we all returned our attention back to the puff ball, it started to bubble and steam, almost as if it was liquefying. Shrill screams escaped its little mouth and it rolled back into a ball. This continued for what seemed to be forever, But then out now where, six more balls of fluff shot out of the back of the creature. Upon hitting the floor, the new puffs unrolled, revealing themselves to be clones of the original, just with different colored eyes and fur patters.

"Amazing!" Twilight announced in awe, "It multiplied after it thawed! Does that mean that when expose to liquids, it is capable of asexual reproduction? This is incredible! I need to experiment on it to learn what else it can do!"

As if it knew what Twilight had said, the original removed the parchment that was attached to its neck and ran into hiding behind my forelegs. Frantically it waved the paper before me, pointing at it repeatedly.

"I think it wants me to read this." I said as i grabbed the paper and unrolled it.

"OK, well what does it say?" asked Icy, who was now playing with one of the clones, rolling a ball of magic ice to it and watching it roll it back.

"I'm getting there. Here - "

Hello, and enjoy your new Mogwai. Oh, PS Don't get it wet....

"Well, thanks for the heads up, dick!" I coyly said out loud.

"Please finish Pyrefly. We ain't got all day, some of us have work to git back to." Retorted AJ, who was now playing with one of the clones. Matter of fact, everyone but me and Spike were screwing around with one of the little bugger. But Spike was STILL out cold, so she really can't be counted.

"Alright, it also says - "

and DO NOT feed it after midnight. Follow these rules and enjoy your new Mogwai!

"Ok, so... just don't feed it after mindnight, i guess...?"

But everyone was so absorbed with screwing around that they didn't hear a word I said.

...And Then They Changed...

For hours everyone sat around Twilight's home, playing with their new pets. As for me and the one Twilight placed in front of me, we took a nap.

As the Sun fell and the Moon rose, Twi was the first to notice how much time had past.

"Oh no! How long have we been distracted?" She  asked, looking around at her friends. Then she noticed me and the original passed out in the corner. "Hey, girls. Look at Pyrefly."

"Daw, They look so adorable." Ice Dancer cooed as she gazed upon my sleeping form. Then a devious smile began to creep across her face. Then, with a light glow, she levitated the puff ball away from me, and then with a flash, she froze me solid.

"Icy! Why did you go and do that, dear?" Rarity asked with confused look on her face.

"He didn't tell me he was done delivering my package." She deadpanned. "Ok girls, I'll take this dumbass home now. See you tomorrow."

As the mares all said their goodbyes, each one grabbed one of the clones and headed their different ways.

As Ice Dancer strolled off, levitating me behind her as she walked home, the first creature followed close behind her, watch the clone perched upon my sister's back.

"I warned you Pyrefly." Ice said to my froze body "So now you're gonna stay frozen till Dashie comes back. It will be good to have some quiet for the rest of the week. Oh, and don't worry yourself, I only froze the area around you. You may not be able to talk or move, but do you really think I'd kill my big brother? Hahaha!"

'So she only froze my skin?' I though, surprised that I was still able to do that. 'Damn she's gotten better! Now I'm stuck like this till Dash comes home. Fuck!'

"Oh, and if you're thinking of getting back at me later on down the road, forget about it. Cause I'll freeze your room next and wont Thaw it for a month. And because of our agreement, you can't stay with Rainbow for more than three days a week. Just keep that in mind." She laughed.

'How did she get so damn cynical? Where did I go wrong in raising her?'

We soon arrived back home. My diabolical sister simply floated me up to my room and dropped me hard on the floor.

"Now to go have fun with you little guy. Shoot, I forgot to name you. How about Droiture? Do you like that name, little guy? Now how about a late night snack?"

'Damn it Icy! Didn't you hear the last warning! DON"T FEED THEM AFTER MIDNIGHT! Wait, I'm frozen, and she can't hear me...fuck.'

As this last thought crossed my mind, I suddenly felt drowsy. And as my consciousness began to slip, the last thing I say was the original peer though my open door, it's big brown eyes filled with a look of shear fear, as if it knew what was about to happen. Then, I blacked out.

I awoke the next morning still encased in the ice my sister had imprisoned me in the night before, but I defiantly felt the ice had a much weaker hold on my skin and coat. I tried to move my wings a little bit, but it was no good. The ice had thawed a bit over night, but I was still stuck. Then I tried to move my mouth. Luckily, my breathing had melted the ice around my muzzle just enough for me to be able to talk.

"Ice Dancer! If you don't get up here and defrost me I'm gonna burn up all the letters you Coltfriend Handsome Thunder has ever sent you!"

But even though I was screaming at the to of my lungs, only muffled noises were able to escape my frozen prison. However, my cries did not fall on deaf ears. For it seemed that I was heard by the little fur ball creature that came out of Pinkie's MRDM. From under my bed it crawled out. But something seemed off. It was being really cautious, almost as if it was hiding from something. I tried again to call out to it.

"Hey there little guy." I said through the thick ice cube that surrounded me. "Is everything ok?"

Upon hearing the question, it raced up to my Icy cage, put its tiny little paws on the wall, looked me in my eyes and shook its head.

"Do you understand me?" I asked in awe.

Once again it took a look around before reconnecting with my gaze, and quickly nodded its head.

"That's incredible!" I exclaimed. "Can you talk?"

It lifted one of its little paws off the ice and use two of its appendages to form a small gap between them. Now I had remembered talking to Lyra a little bit not too long ago. She had told me that with 'hands' one could go about making all kinds of different gestures. I believe she said the one the creature was making meant 'A little bit'.

"A little bit?" I asked, trying to put what I spoke with Lyra to use. To my luck, it nodded its head. "Sweet, well do you have a name?" Again, It nodded its head. "Awesome, well I'm Pyrefly, what is your's?"

It stood there, trying to will the words out of its mouth. It seemed it hadn't spoken in quiet some time. Though it may remembered it could talk once, maybe it forgot how. But then it spoke.

"Gizmo" It said.

"So your name is Gizmo, huh? Nice to meet you. So do you think you can tell me where the pony that froze me is?"

At that, it became mute once more and simply shook its head once more.

"Ok, well, do you think that you can-"

Just as I was in the middle of the question, a lanky, green, pointy eyed creature came creeping through my still open door.

"Hmm, so after a century of confinement, here we are on an alien realm, and you are as stupid as those damn humans that got rid of us last time. But not this time."

'What the fuck is this thing talking about?' I thought 'And did it just mention humans? Damn, Lyra was right, they do exist. But what the hell is this thing-'

My train of thought was interrupted when the green being came closer to my frozen cell. It had warts all over its body, and was nothing but skin. Its eyes were blood shot, and bore the look of something pure evil.

"You damn creatures just can't follow directions, can you? The fucking paper said don't expose to water, and don't feed after midnight! But what the fuck do you do? The exact opposite!"

Now it was pacing around me, its hands behind its back. As it strolled, it continued to talk.

"You know, a century really is a long time. Long enough for us to evolve. Believe it or not, but back in the day, we couldn't form full sentences. Ha! Those was the days! Grunts and laughs were all we could muster. But know we have grown. And do you want to know something, we want to kill everything here! And then we will expand, and concur this WHOLE DAMN WORLD!" And with that it let out a deep, maniacal laugh. Then it turned back to me, and continued to speak. "Now unfortunate for you, you're already dead. Looks like one of your on kind got to you before we arrived from those ridiculous undeveloped forms. I was more just talking so that I could hear my own voice. You see I'm narcissistic like that. And because I love the name I was given, I'll use it. I'm Droiture, leader of the Gremlins, and life as you, ponies, know it, is about to become HELLISH!"

And with that, Droiture turned his back to me, and walked right out the room, laughing his head off.

'When I get out of this Ice Cube, I'm gonna burn you to ashes!' I thought, my anger building, ready to explode.