It was a beautiful summer morning, and Twilight Sparkle was just getting out of bed. Her normally tidy, and well kept mane was disheveled, with hair protruding in all different directions. Her eyes were hefting two enormous bags, and her face was stuck in a near permanent frown.She slowly trudged in the direction of her bathroom, the bags under her eyes feeling like two enormous barbels that dragged her head to the floor.
Twilight opened the door using her hoof, her magic failing her due to her immense fatigue. It wasn’t her fault that she was so tired, all night she had been tossing and turning, trying to enter the land of slumber despite a terrible aching pain that ailed her. Twilight was suffering possibly the worst pain in Equestrian history. A sore on her inner lip.
Her eyes wandered to her hairbrush, and she frowned at it. Prodding at her sore with her tongue she wondered just how she was going to brush her hair without any magic. She wouldn’t be able to hold it in her hooves, and the idea of trying to use her mouth almost made her chuckle. After a while she decided to abandon brushing her hair, it was only for a day after all. Or at least she hoped.
It wasn’t as though she hadn’t tried to rid herself of this horrible affliction, but medical science had only come so far, and a sore on one’s inner lip was about as severe an injury as one could get. Broken bones, AIDS, hell, even death had been taken care of. But a sore on the inner lip was surely an incurable horror the likes of which Equestrian officials had never seen before.
Dispelling her woes, if only for a moment, Twilight moved her eyes to her handy toothbrush. It was long and slender with purple bristles that had a line of pink bristles running down the middle. She wouldn’t need her magic for this, although she would definitely make a mess.
She turned towards a neary tube of toothpaste and thanked Celestia that she had left the cap off overnight. She placed her hoof on top of it, carefully sliding it towards her brush. Once it was alongside her oral cleaning device she applied a bit of pressure to the tube, causing a small amount of cleansing paste the cling to the brush’s many bristles.
Bending her neck to the brush, Twilight took the bristled end into her mouth and flexed her cheeks, while moving the brush around with her tongue. Every so often a bristle or two would graze her sore, and she’d have to stop.
Just as she was finishing up part of the brush scraped particularly hard against her sore, and she cried out in pain. The brush flew out of her mouth, along with most of the now liquidated toothpaste, causing it to form a small puddle on the floor.
Groaning angrily, Twilight knocked one of her washcloths off of the counter and onto the ground.She then swirled it around with her hoof, soaking up all of the minty toothpaste water. Once the mess was cleaned up she took the washcloth in her mouth and placed it back onto the counter.
Twilight, went over to her toilet and lifted the seat with her hoof. Unfortunately for her, she didn’t raise it all the way, causing it to fall back down upon the rim of the toilet, creating a loud sound, a sound that I simply cannot describe. Seriously, how do you describe porcelain hitting porcelain...is it like a CAKONK or something? I don’t know, and you shouldn’t care, but I bet you do. I bet you’re gonna sit on your bed late at night going “What the hell is that noise supposed to be called?” Heck you’ll probably fiddle with your toilet seat and do test runs.
Regardless, Twilight ended up having to lift the seat a second time, only to have it once again come CAKONKing down. Groaning, she moved the left of the toilet and grabbed the plunger in her mouth, the splintery wood aggravated her sore, but she couldn’t focus on that now, she had a toilet to prop open.
Sticking the plunger in between the rim and the seat, Twilight, effectively opened the toilet permanently. She stood on her hind legs and was preparing to empty her bladder when she remembered a very important detail. She’s a girl, and girls pee sitting down. Twilight cried out in exasperation, swatting the plunger out of the way with her hoof, causing another CAKONK of the toilet seat.
Both angry at the fact that she had wasted so much time, and happy about being able to finally urinate, Twilight Sparkle sat down on the toilet and emptied her bladder into the large porcelain bowl. She sighed contentedly as the stream of water produced a gushing noise that echoed throughout the entire bathroom.
Once she finished relieving herself, Twilight got up off of the toilet and pressed the lever. A loud draining sound was produced, signaling a successful flush. Twilight did a little wiggle dance as she made her way back to the sink.
Twilight grabbed the knob on the faucet in her mouth and slowly rotated it with her tongue. The water slowly turned on and increased in pressure as Twilight cursed her current inability to use magic. Normally it’d be no problem, but today she was going to have to heavily rely on her morning coffee.
Twilight scrubbed and washed her hooves, applying soap when necessary. Once she felt as though she was clean enough she dried off her hooves and headed out of the bathroom. She walked over to her dresser, and opened the bottom drawer. Inside was a large collection of her cutie mark. Oh you didn’t know? Yeah, cutie marks are actually just something the adults make up so that kids have a reason to pick on each other. It’s terrible I know. but it is the sad truth.
Realizing she couldn’t apply the magical butt sticker through her normal means of just using magic, Twilight had to go with Applejack’s method. So she took one of the butt stickers in her mouth, threw it on the ground, adhesive side up, and smacked it with the side of her flank. Then she repeated the process on the other side, effectively deblanking herself as it were.
Twilight proceeded to exit her room, not bothering to shut the door behind her. She walked downstairs, and into the library area before a heavenly aroma caught her attention. She pulled the classic cartoon gag of following the aroma by floating in the air, which now that I think about it is probably much better as a visual gag. Oh well, live and learn.
The beautiful smell lead Twilight into the kitchen where she was greeted with a veritable smorgasbord of delicious breakfast treats. There were chocolate chip pancakes stack literally ten feet high, Freshly baked flaky rolls were strewn about in flower patterns, and more haybacon strips than you can possibly imagine littered the entire thing. It was a feast for both the eyes and mouth.
Twilight walked right past it and made herself a latte, after drinking it she felt rejuvenated enough to use her magic, so she picked up the entire breakfast meal and threw it into a nearby garbage can.
“Spike, you know I’m on a diet,” Twilight said as she sauntered over to the fridge and prepared herself a small bowl of oatmeal.
Spike could only fall to his knees and tremble as he muttered something about hours of work being completely wasted. He sobbed and shook as he felt his soul shatter. His heart broke, as his life flashed before his eyes.
Naturally Spike easily brushed aside the wasted hours he’d spent making breakfast for Twilight, after all, he’s a freakin dragon, and as P. Diddy said “Dem dragons live a long ass time.”
So there was no true issue.
Twilight decided that since she didn’t want to be with any of her friends, now would be a good time to actually do her damn job for once and open the library. She cantered over to the large doors at the entrance to her enormous tree library, or treebrary as it were. She opened the door and switched the little sign on her front door from “closed” to “open” with the grace of a swan.
Immediately upon the stores opening absolutely no ponies rushed into the library. This surprised Twilight. Where was everypony? She was finally open but no one cared. Had everypony lost interest in reading?
Twilight noticed a delicious looking pony trotting by. It was staring at some weird rectangle, which as far as Twilight knew could only mean trouble. Twilight prodded at her sore again, unsure of why she kept subjecting herself to such horrible pain. She called out to the mysterious background character, simultaneously basking in her main character status.
The pony in question dropped what she was doing, why it was Colgate, the town's local Proctologist or something like that. She trotted up to Twilight, licking her heavily chapped lips with every step.
“What is it Twilight?” she asked in her Bullwinkle voice.
Twilight directed a hoof towards the strange contraption that was levitating in front of Colgate.
“What is that thing?” she asked.
Colgate looked down at her metal rectangle, and then back up at Twilight.
“Oh this old thing? It’s just a Nook.”
“What the Charles Xavier is a Nook?”
“Well it’s a small little thing that allows you to carry books without all of the weight.”
“Bull, what can this carry, like five or six books?”
“More like ten thousand.”
“Holy shit!” exclaimed Twilight, expertly referencing The Office.
Colgate frowned at Twilight’s use of language, and decided to run away, not even sparing a glance at the cursing equine behind her.
Twilight for her part decided to ignore the pain in her inner lip and go get a Nook, so she walked out of the door of the treebrary, closing the door behind her with her magic. She passed many colorful background losers, being sure to brag about her superiority to each and every one.
It was rather hot out, and Twilight began to sweat, her coat glistening with delicious, salty pore juice. As she walked she began to get hotter and hotter, if you know what I mean. By which I mean her core temperature was rising, and if you thought I was insinuating that there was some sort of innuendo then I am very disappointed by your immaturity. This is a classy story and I don’t need you sullying it with your disgusting smut. Honestly you people sicken me right down to my very cockles.
Anyway, as she was out and about, wallowing in her own corpulence, when it occurred to Twilight that she had absolutely no clue as to where she was going to procure the electronic marvel that she was pursuing. Deciding that it would most likely be a wise decision to actually learn where she was going, Twilight scoped the town of Ponyville with her moist, supple, and tasty ocular lenses.
She looked around and was utterly flabbergasted by what she saw, everypony had a Nook. There were digital reading devices everywhere, big ones, small ones, some as big as your head. She saw BonBon and decided to approach her for some answers.
“BonBon, what’s with all of these Nooks? I understand the practicality of the product, but for it to have literally sprung up overnight is highly improbable.”
BonBon shuffled in place, trying to think of what to say.
“Well Twilight, it’s kind of hard to say, but I think I can best express it through song.”
Suddenly, a loud and ridiculously catchy tune emanated across Ponyville, as if it was being played by some giant invisible boombox.
BonBon changed her voice yet again, perfectly imitating Cascneighda.
“My Nook is my castle, need it next to me.”
Hundreds of ponies surrounded BonBon, holding up their Nooks like lighters.
“I see it each night in my dreeeeeaaams.
I just can’t stop reading and I don’t know why.
Without my Nook it's hard to suuuurrrvviiive.”
The beat suddenly picked up, and began to sound more like a pop song.
“Cause everytime I read, I can't stop turning,
the pages on the screen, or I swear I'll die.
Can’t you hear my heart beat fast?
I need this to last, I need my Nook by my side.
‘Cause everytime we touch, I feel your static
an electric shock that makes, me reach for the sky
Can't you hear my heart beat go?I won't let you go
I want you in my life.”
BonBon stopped singing, and started acting as though she was on a catwalk, shaking her moneymaker as the hundreds of ponies surrounding her simultaneously did the Pop ‘n Lock. Twilight could only watch in awe as a legion of ponies did the Russian tea dance in perfect unison, each half turning in the opposite direction to reveal BonBon who now had a microphone.
“My Nook is my castle, it’s chips are my sky.
It's stories keeps me up at night.
The good and the bad books, we have read them all
My Nook makes me rise when I fall.
“Cause everytime I read, I can't stop turning,
the pages on the screen, or I swear I'll die.
Can’t you hear my heart beat fast?
I need this to last, I need my Nook by my side.
‘Cause everytime we touch, I feel your static
an electric shock that makes, me reach for the sky
Can't you hear my heart beat go?I won't let you go
I want you in my life.”
BonBon stopped, panting and gasping, feeling spent after her big musical number. She was about to say something to Twilight, but when she looked over to her friend's previous location she found that Twilight had gone. BonBon couldn't believe how terribly rude Twilight was being today, here she was, singing a deliciously slippery musical number, and Twilight didn't even stay for the whole thing.
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Twilight was running, she didn't care how fast, or where she went, all that mattered was getting that damn song out of her head. The sore on her lip was causing her almost unbearable levels of pain, but she had to get a Nook, it was all that mattered to her at this point, and nothing, not even the excruciating pain of a lip sore could quell her pursuit of the legendary Nook.
Twilight was running so fast that she almost didn't notice the unfamiliar building that was barely visible in her peripheral vision. She turned to look at it. It looked like any other generic Ponyville building, with the only exception being that it was all white. It had an enormous neon sign that read "Books 'n Nooks" and literally billions(one pony) of ponies were pouring into the building, each one leaving with both a Nook and an enormous smile on their face. Twilight facehoofed and cantered into the store, throwing ponies out of the way with her magic.
Once inside, Twilight looked around the store, deciding that describing the innards of the beautiful building wasn't important she walked up to a stand that was full of Nooks. I'm disappointed too, but Twilight told me to tell you to picture a 711 but with books. I'm mad too, don't blame me.
Well anyway, she grabbed the Nook with the most memory and walked up to the cash register, skipping the entire line because she's totally swagalishus like that.
"Hello," said the cashier in a gravely and very disturbing voice.
Twilight placed the Nook on the counter, and the cashier scanned it with his sticky scanner gun.
"That'll be thirty bits ma'am," said the cashier, moving his eyes up and down Twilight's body with each syllable.
Twilight took her Nook and high-tailed it out of the store, glancing behind her with utmost fear in her eyes. She ran towards her home, gleefully sprinting. Twilight couldn't wait to play with her new Nook. On her way home she saw a rather unsettling sight, it was Derpy, and she was crying in the middle of a clearing. Twilight slowly approached her, placing a comforting hoof on her shoulder.
"What's wrong Derpy?" Twilight asked, voicing her genuine concern on the matter.
Derpy sniffled before she turned her head and sobbed into Twilight's shoulder. She shuddered with every tumult of sadness that hit her.
"Come on now," Twilight said softly," You can tell me what's wrong."
Derpy looked up at Twilight.
"It's just awful, while I was out at my routine checkup I found out that I have cancer, and when I flew home to tell my kids I saw that my house had been burnt to the ground, and the huddled remains of my two children were all that was left of the horrible blaze that destroyed my entire livelihood."
Twilight pushed Derpy away.
"Pfft, is that all? Just a dead family?" Twilight said incredulously," I have a sore on my inner lip, and I keep poking at it with my tongue, but that's only making it worse."
Almost instantaneously Twilight was surrounded by hundreds of ponies, all of them offering their condolences or telling her how brave she was. Derpy could only look on with tears in her eyes, her family was dead, soon she'd be dead, her house was gone, and even after all of that nopony cared about her.
Derpy killed herself later that night. Not that anyone cares. Just kidding, there was a huge funeral, with muffins and everything. Plus she killed herself in a safe, clean manner, so they were able to have an open-casket funeral. Pinkie Pie had a great time on the log ride, and she even got a hilarious souvenir picture, it was of her crossing her eyes and sticking her tongue out .
Twilight on the other hoof was having the best day of her life. Everypony was literally showering her with affection and sympathy. This made Twilight feel extra powerful, because as I'm sure you know, unicorns gain their power from other people's sorrow and sympathy.
Once she'd had her fill of delicious feelings, Twilight skulked away to her home, laughing like a super-villain the entire way there. The literal second Twilight arrived at her home she used her unicorn power to call her friends.
After a few minutes of waiting( and four rounds of naked Jenga) the other Elements arrived. They all looked very confused, but they were going to wait for Twilight to explain herself before they killed her. After all, nothing was more important to the mane six than sleep, especially Pinkie Pie. Pinkie was known for her ability to fall asleep in all kinds of weird situations.
"Hello assorted friends and other company," Twilight started,"as I'm sure you all know I have recently come down with a very serious affliction. I'm sorry that I have to tell you this...I have a small sore on my inner lip."
The room was filled with a chorus of gasps that sucked all of the oxygen out of the room, suffocating Spike in the process. No one mourned his loss. Anyway, once again Twilight was smothered in a serenade of sympathies and sorrowful statements.
"Yes yes, a terrible tragedy has befallen me, yatta yatta. The point is that we all know where medical science is nowadays, and a lip sore is far beyond anything that could possibly be healed by modern magic."
"But Twilight," replied Pinkie," how will we cure your terrible affliction?"
"That's just it Pinkie, we need the elements." Twilight said that statement with an incredible aura of despair and finality around her.
The entire room was filled with gasps once more, and this time Spike's pet phoenix was the unfortunate recipient of an untimely demise. They all agreed anyway, each of them knowing exactly how serious a lip sore really was. Without further dispute all of them ran out of the treebrary and towards the train station. Their combined hoof power literally caused the ground to tremble underneath them.
They arrived at the train station and ran to the ticket booth, unfortunately the rumbling of the ground caused the ticket booth to collapse upon the single father inside. Tragically however, it was take your daughter to work day, and his daughter ended up being crushed as well. Her pet bunny was with her at the time, as well as her brand new puppy. They died too.
Well, they say that there is a silver lining to every cloud, and such was the case of this unfortunate series of events, you see, the collapsing of the small ticket booth caused hundreds of bloody train tickets to scatter all over the place. Each of the mane six took a ticket using either their wings, mouths, or magic. Then each of them dropped four bits on the bloody, splintery remains in front of them, and headed towards the train.
The pony friends happily greeted the conductor and climbed aboard the pony powered locomotive. They all settled in, not having to bother with putting their luggage away, as they had left before packing their bags due to the urgency of the issue. Once everypony was seated the train began to chug into life, moving slowly at first, then gaining ridiculous speeds. The train shook, and everypony was jerked out of their seat.
Once the train stopped shaking, everypony returned to their seat and general discussions began. There was much stupid and irritating dialogue, be it whether or not they should alert the Cutie Mark Crusaders of the fact that cutie marks were utter bunk, and of course the occasional bridle gossip worked its way into the conversation, but for the most part it was just your stereotypical girl talk.
After a few hours of talking, the girls found themselves getting sleepy, and they all went to bed one by one. Eventually all of them were asleep, and the lights of the cabin were turned off. Shrouded in darkness, the final element of harmony drifted off to sleep, exciting day behind her.
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Deep underground, a forgotten king was plotting his revenge. Those ponies had thwarted him once, and he would not be defeated a second time. He was a figure shrouded in darkness, able to take the shape of a puff of smoke, allowing for fast travel. A part of him was on that train, watching, waiting for the perfect time to strike. It ruffled it's metallic wings, rustled by its windy perch. Its talons dug into the cold metal dome of the train, easily puncturing the steel outer shell.
Soon, soon my little minion of darkness, not now but soon. Last time they barely heard my voice, this time they shall know the wrath of King Sombra. This time I shall have my revenge.
The small metallic bird squawked anxiously, signalling his eagerness.
Sir, they are all asleep, it would be so easy to slit their throats with my talons. I'd be a silent as a mime, and nopony would be the wiser until it was too late.
ARE YOU QUESTIONING YOUR KING? Wait my little minion, remember, our revenge will come soon enough.
King Sombra chuckled to himself as he returned to his plotting. His revenge needed to be perfect, and a swift death simply would not do.
Author's Note
Why yes, BonBon's song was indeed a parody of CASCADA
