The Underwhelming Adventures of Gary Stu
Clichès... Clichès Everywhere
Your adventure begins!
[youtube=https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=q0cjqLAoCUw]
We begin our tale with this unnecessarily long and prosy introduction, with the light beaming through the stained glass windows of the Canterlot Castle. The many hues wash the throne room in subtle glory as they shift in wanton fashion. Various servants and social elite litter the great hall with their unimportance and irrelevance to this story. It is here, among the doldrums, where we find our intrepid hero.
“Really narrator? 'Intrepid hero'? Got anymore clichès you wanna throw out there?” our audacious hero grumbles to no one in particular.
“Why are you explaining how I said it? I know what happened, I was there.”
“That wasn't the narrator,” a majestic voice interjects, interrupting our fearless champion's tirade, “That was me. And to answer your question; yes, we're going to milk these tropes for all they're worth.”
Turning around our hero, who is yet to be named, finds himself in the presence of the immortal ruler of Equestria, Princess Celestia. Any protest or indignation that had been primed in retaliation died in his throat.
“Firstly,” Celestia begins, her timbre demanding obedience, “I would like to welcome you to Canterlot.”
Shifting uneasily our confused hero replies, “Uh, thank you? I have a question though... Why am I here? Better yet, how did I get here? Last thing I remember is I was just sitting there minding my own business, then there was a blinding flash and here I am.” His droning grew tiresome but the good princess, being the benevolent sovereign she is, decides to humor his incompetence.
“For beginners, you have been summoned for a grand adventure! One full of danger, mystery, immeasurable fortune, and romance!”
“No. No, I-I don't want to go on an adventure. I-I just wanna go home where I... where I... do whatever it is I do,” he stutters like an uneducated fool, picking an uninteresting spot on the tiled floor to stare at.
“Hey! Don't think I didn't hear that!”
Princess Celestia recoils, taking offense to her ill-mannered guest's accusatory tone, “Before you go staking any wild claims, that was the narrator and I would remind you to whom you are speaking.”
“But... How? Wha-. Nevermind, I give up.”
“Give up? Neigh, you cannot give up for you are Gary Stu, the alicorn! The greatest hero Equestria has ever known! Oh and the narration will be done by William Shatner from here on after.”
“Come again? I think you have me confused with somepony else. I'm just a boring background pony.”
“Nope, you're an alicorn.”
“Dammit so I am, but why black and red? Everypony hates black and red. I hate black and red. And what did you do to my cutie mark? Why is it a banana? Quite frankly, it scares the hell of me,” says our oblivious and aptly named hero as he finally takes a moment to inspect himself.
What providential powers have been bestowed upon him? What unfathomable abilties does he now posses?
“Don't be silly, everypony loves black and red, and you should be familiar with cutie marks representing a ponies special talent,” Princess Celestia says reassuringly, her multi-hued waving in the nonexistent breeze, giving further credence to her statement.
“My talent is bananas?”
“Yes.”
“Right... I'm just gonna go now,” says Gary Stu as he turns to walk away, no doubt eager to go find adventure on his own.
“But you know not which direction your quest lies hero. You will find your mission far to the north where you must face the Bane of the Frozen Wastes. The Tyrant of the Crystal Empire. The Befouler of Kingdoms. The Black Heart of the North Lands. The...”
“OK, I get it,” our dimwitted hero rudely interupts. “Just tell me who this guy is.”
The tension hangs thick in the air as the silence grows. Everypony present waits with baited breath, frozen statues as they wait for the unveiling of such a terrible and powerful adversary. Without losing her composure Princess Celestia narrows her eyes, finally shattering the soundless void.
“You must conquer the dreaded King Sombra. You must engage him in an arena of less than honorable combat where you will pit your strength and wits against one another. I've no doubt you will prevail and emerge victorious.”
“Seriously?”
The horn of the ageless deity emanates an all consuming light that envelopes Gary Stu as he barely able to contain his excitement.
“No! Wait! Stop! I don't-”
Gary Stu's sight returns to him, revealing him to be in the throne room of the Crystal Empire palace. Any lesser adventurer or mortal would be reeling with sickness but not the greatest equestrian hero of all time!
“Oh Celestia I'm blind! I can't see! I-I'm gonna be sick. Hurk!” Staring at the contents of his stomach that now occupied a puddle on the floor, he pondered the wisdom of eating a large breakfast before embarking on his adventure.
A cry for help shakes our dauntless champion from his musings back into reality. He scans his surroundings with great vigilance, taking in the magnificent craftsmanship of the crystal pony architects. The flawless prisms that tear the very light asunder, dividing it into the spectrum of the rainbow illuminating the walls as though they were alive. The perfect acoustics of the crystal that resonate the continued pleas for help.
Of course! The shear beauty of this place is nothing more than a devious trap set to ensnare Gary Stu in its euphoria and distract him from his mission. Well no such trickery would so easily conquer our hero!
Doubling his efforts, he finally finds Princess Celestia laying atop a collection of very plush and comfortable satin throw pillows. Next to her, sitting atop a crystal throne was a unicorn, particularly sinister in appearance.
“Gary Stu! Help! You must rescue me from this madpony!”
“What talking about? You're not even tied up. Couldn't you just teleport away? How did you even get captured in the first place? And why are you wearing such skimpy and provocative clothing?”
King Sombra interrupts his line of incessant questions with a series of unintelligible growls and grumblings of crystals before clearing his throat.
“Excuse me. My apologies. Tis the flu season after all. As I was saying before; you will never defeat me! I will never relinquish the Crystal Empire to such a pathetic whelp or any lackey of Celestia!”
“Uhhhh, OK?” replies our intrepid hero as he takes a defiant step forward towards his adversary.
“You already used 'intrepid hero' earlier.”
Well excuse me. I'm running out of material here Mr. “I'm To Good For This Story.”
“Silence! Both of you! I swear to Tartarus I'm going to throw myself down the nearest staircase if I have to listen to you two bicker!” King Sombra grumbles, rising his seat at his immaculate throne.
“Fine, let's just get this over with so I can go home and be done with all these shenanigans and buffoonery.” our resplendent champion challenges as he continues to walk forward.
“Wait! Stop! Don't come any closer!” says King Sombra as he backs away fearing for his life.
“What are you talking about? I haven't done anything.”
No! For the love of Tartarus stop! I beg you, don't hurt me!”
“Is just me or is everypony else insane? Look, can we just talk or something?”
Gary Stu continues his menacing march towards his hapless opponent, like a merciless predator stalking its prey before halting his relentless assault.
“What the hay are you doing? OK, n-now your dousing yourself in lamp oil. Now your lighting yourself on fire. Great. This. This is just great,” our indomitable hero gloats over his victory.
“Are you kidding? I'm not gloating, or boasting, or anything of the sort! Another pony just set themselves on fire! I can't just stand here and watch!”
Harnessing all his might and will, our bold hero summons a most formidable weapon into existence with which to smite his foe. In a burst of candescence from his horn, Gary Stu was now wielding the most righteous of battle implements.
“A banana? No, I wanted to put out the damn fire. Is this a joke? This has to be a joke.Wait a second. Where did this music come from?”
[youtube=https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=q0cjqLAoCUw]
“My hero!” chirps a grateful princess as she throws herself at Gary Stu, wrapping her hooves around his neck. “This song is in honor of your gallant victory of course!”
“Can I go home yet?” he asks as he watches his former nemesis run to and fro, screaming in agony before collapsing on the floor in a charred heap of bitter defeat.
Withdrawing her embrace the benevolent goddess speaks, “You're journey is not yet over, for there is still evil that lingers in the land of Equestria.”
Before he could speak any praise, obviously unable to curb his enthusiasm, both were whisked away back to Canterlot where they stood in the palace gardens amid a congregation of statues.
“I'm blind again! I'm going to be sick... again....” chokes our unfaltering hero as he wretches in the most heroic way possible.
As he recovers, the divine ruler of the sun tells him of his newest adversary. “Discord; the Embodiment of Chaos, Entropy Incarnate, Spirit of Disharmony, Lord of the Dance, the-”
“Enough with the titles already. Can we just get this over with? I really don't want to be here,”
Conveniently, Discord chose this exact moment to appear.
“Wait. You're kidding right? Tell me you're kidding. Where are the Elements of Harmony? Can I deal with them instead? I'd rather set myself on fire and sing “I'm a Little Teapot” before engaging Gary Stu in combat,” says Discord as he mulls over his misfortune.
“Wait. If you know who I am, then get me the buck out of here!” our glorious champion bellows his challenge.
“Sorry, no can do. Now if you'll excuse me, I have an appointment.”
“Well, this is familiar... Yep, there's the lamp oil. Yeah, th-there's the fire, yeah. Oh, he's actually singing “I'm a Little Teapot”. Now he's turning to stone, at least that's new.” Gary Stu let's out a sigh escape him after his grueling and brutal battle with such worthy foe.
“Narrator. Just for the record, I really don't like you. And is the music really necessary?”
“You have done it! You have conquered all the evils of Equestria, save for one.” says Princess Celestia Jubilantly as she takes position at the supreme conquerors side.
“And just who or what would that be?”
“Nightmare Moon of course!”
Cocking a brow, Gary Stu turns to the gracious Princess Celestia in delight, “Wait, you mean your sister? No. Just no. I'm done. I quit.”
The prodigious sovereign huffs in disappointment, “Fine. I suppose I can handle it.”
A radiant light shown forth from Princess Celestial horn followed by a faint twinkle that graced the moon just cresting the horizon.
“Uhhhh what was that?”
“Oh, I banished her to the moon for a thousand years.”
“What!?”
Ignoring Gary Stu's obvious approval she spoke again, “With all darkness purged and evil vanquished you must now collect your prize! Ravage me hero!”
“Wait! No! Somepony help me!”
In another discharge of phosphorescence, they disappear from the gardens to a private chamber deep within the castle. Where the sounds and screams of what can only be interpreted as raw unbridled passion and ecstasy ring forth, filling the pristine halls with their mirth. Or perhaps bridles are involved. We may never know, but one this is certain; Equestria will forever be indebted to the fabled hero. The Legendary Gary Stu.
Author's Note
