\The Ausgezeichnete Tour/

by Tyreese-le-Tyler43

Rating: teen
Tags: Tragedy, DJ P0N-3, Thunderlane, Roseluck, Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark, Comedy, Octavia
Length: 3689

I'm Vinyl scratch. Most ponies know me as DJ PON-3, but that name is overrated. On the road again, I make a tour journal.

DISCLAIMER: If you can read German, this story's ending will be ruined for you by the fourth chapter
I'm Vinyl scratch. Most ponies know me as DJ PON-3, but that name is overrated. On the road again, I make a tour journal. Me 'n 'Tavi are gonna open for an artist from Germaney. His name is Ende Eines Datensatzes. 'Tavi doesn't like the guy. I can see why. He doesn't even speak English well. It's freaky.
Also, our roadies are Roseluck and Thunderlane.
The tour we're on is promoting three new albums. Mine: Spinout, get it? Like a spinning record? Octavia's: Les Sabres de Malheur, which is French for The Sword of Doom. Cool, right? And the freaky guy, Ende Gario, his name, with his new record Ableben Mit Meiner Hand. It's all untrustworthy.
The tour's name is Ausgezeichnete, German for Excellent. That I like.

Published 2013-01-02 19:10:02 UTC
Last updated 2013-02-20 01:59:10 UTC

New Roadie

A gray Pegasus stallion with a blue and white mohawk moved into view. It was my best roadie, Thunderlane. He moved a box into my house, wearing a new fedora, carefully avoiding 'Tavi's lamp. Although I didn't care, the "This Side UP" section of the box was pointing down. He dropped it with a loud "BAMPF" and backed away.
"What is this stuff, Vinyl?" he asked and scratched the back of his head. I shook my head.
"Nothin' important. What's up with you, Thundey? You look... different today," I gave him a confused look. He nodded. "What's up?"
"Well, first off: don't call me Thundey. I can't stop Pinkie Pie, but I hate that name," he groaned. I smiled
"A'ight, Laney," I teased. He mouthed 'not that either'. "What else is be on yo mind?"
"Since when did you talk like that?" he asked. I shrugged. "All right, I... met a girl..." he admitted.
"Oh? Who's your special filly?" I teased.
"STOP THAT!" he shouted and blushed brighter than ever. "You have to guess. I'll give ya clue. You know her..."
"Oh Celestia... don't tell me it's..." I started. I mouthed the name of my roommate. Then I burst into laughter.
"Not Octavia! That would be super messed up!" he said and threw his fedora at me. "I think you would know if I did by now!"
"I know you have a crush on her!" I continued to badger. I raised my eyebrows and made an exaggerated serious face. "You look at her plot."
"That is a sick, twisted, LIE!" he exclaimed, but he knew I was kidding. "Do you want to know who it is or not?"
"I do, but you won't tell me, will you?" I asked. He nodded. "Who is it then? Another clue?"
"Red hair."
"Ivory Wisp?" (A/N: For that reference, see my friend wtfboom88's Ponies on Red Dwarf)
"No... Another clue: She applied to be a roadie after the incedent with Derpy. Remember? You sent that application saying how she injured herself and we needed a new roadie that would'nt do that?"
"Yeah... Is it... Berry Punch?"
"No..."
"Is it... Roseluck?"
"DING DING DING DING!"
"Well have I news for you! We hired her!"
"Really?" Thunderlane looked really worried now.
"Can't handle the mares?" I asked. He would be surrounded by mares now. He sheepishly nodded.
"For some reason, being surrounded by mares makes me uncomfortable, for some reason. Rumble calls it 'fillytrapped'. Too weird for me. I went with pouliche piégé, the Franchay way to say it!" he said with an accent.
"Franchay as in French?" I asked. "That sounds stupid. Like something that stuck-up bitch Rarity would say. Oh, don't you just love my divine new spring line, dahling? I call it 'Franchay!'."
We both laughed until we could hardly breath. I wiped a stray tear from my eye and let out a few more "hee-hee-hoo-ha"s. Octavia walked in the door with us rolling on the floor in laughter. She rolled her eyes.
"Have you a new roadie yet?" she asked and helped us to our hooves.
"Yes, we have a roadie, Roseluck. Why, I just heard that our Thunde--" I began. Thunderlane stomped on my hoof and I stiffled a scream.
"What for?" asked Thunderlane.
"I haven't much time to book us a flight. We have to be in Los Pegasus by tomorrow. We are to preform as an opening act for a Ende Eines Datensatzes. I haven't met the gentlecolt yet myself, but I've heard he's quite talented. A new genre... house..." explained 'Tavi. I jumped with joy
"I do house! And dubstep!" I exclaimed.
"We know!" Thunderlane and Octavia moaned in unison and rolled their eyes.
"And it sound's like this!" I shouted and pulled my glasses down and got behind my turntable and equalizer and began to preform a song.

\m/-.-,,|,

One Hour Later

"So, I'm Roseluck. Nice to meet you all!" Roseluck greeted as she saluted. "I will be a great roadie, I promise!"
"'Sup, Rosy?" I returned and pulled my goggles off my face onto my horn. "I'm Vinyl Scratch."
"Nice to meet you!" Roseluck smiled.
"Bonne journée, madame" said Octavia with a snarky grin. "I'm Octavia."
"Ah, vous parlez Français? C'est merveilleux!" marveled Roseluck.
"French classes, every Tuesday and Thursday," 'Tavi whispered to me.
"Cut it out with the 'lay front say' stuff!" I begged. Octavia shrugged. We turned over to where Thunder was hovering.
"So, you're Thunderlane? I've heard alot about you!" Roseluck smiled. He glowered at me and I shrugged.
"Yep... That's me, good ol' Thunderlane. So I'll be with y-- uh... working with you? Sorry, slip-of-the-tounge, happens a lot."
"Is it frustrating roading for two artists?" asked Roseluck. Thunderluck came down onto the ground while shaking his head.
"Naw! When they work together so often, it's easy. Besides, it's just a turntable, a cello, rosin, bow, and records usually. And the light show, but we're a lot more cautious ever since Ditzy broke her hoof."
"I thought it was Derpy."
"That's just The Doctor's nickname for her."
"I know him!"
"Neat dude."
"Guys? Los Pegasus flight leaves in two hours, stop flirting!" I inturrupted. They both turned a deep shade of red and we moved on.
As Thunderlane flew by, he had a lovesick expression, and I could have sworn I saw a trail of little hearts following him. As he passed me, he whispered: "Her prefume smells like flowers."

\m/-.-,,|,

Thirty Minutes Later

In the self-drawing carraige recently innovated by some magic chick named Twilight, Thunderlane was putting "the moves" on Roseluck, but she treated it like nothing.
"So they do work together?" asked Roseluck. Thunderlane nodded.
"Oh yah!" he said with an accent. Roseluck giggled and Thunderlane made a small 'yes'.
"May I, 'Tavi?" I asked. She rolled her eyes.
"J'imagine..." she grumbled. I put on a record in my built in record player and let our song play. She wrote it and does some strings, that I made to sound awesome with graphic equalization! Then I told her to quit it with the French again. "I have to keep practicing. I can't exactly bring my French tutor on tour with me, can I? So I have to stay dans un état optimal on my own"
"No you don't. You can speak almost fluently, I hear you around the house, blah blah blah, Je suis Octavie je parle Français, regarde-moi, la dee da, it's ridiculous!"
"I could've taken German, you know," pointed out 'Tavi, and a point she had. "That'd be annoying!" I nodded.
"Ich nahm Deutschen, wissen Sie!" said Thunderlane, agrivated. I rolled my eyes. "Fine then, what's your name in Deutschen?" challenged Thunderlane.
"Schallplatten," I sighed. He said he meant full name. "Schallplatten Kratzen."
"Schallplatten Kratzen. Not bad. I'm Donnerfahrspur. Roseluck is Stieg Glück, though directly it translates 'increased happiness'. To be understood," went on Thunderlane. Roseluck blushed, giggled, and hid her face.
"I only know French," she said. 'Tavi nodded.
"Mieux que de savoir inutiles futilités!" she said.
"Oui," nodded Roseluck.
"Are we almost to the LPIA?" ased Thunderlane. We gave him odd looks. "Los Pegasus International Airport? That thing? The place we're going?"
"No idea, kiddo," I admitted. "But let's stick with English from now on, I didn't take beyond German 2, I'll run out of material eventually!"
As the next song on the record that starred both me and Octavia played, I had the sudden realization that: I had no idea where we were going. And I had thrown away the map.

Author's Note

The credits to these songs go to Omnipony, Living Tombstone, and TuXe, in that order, I in no way created or helped create these songs, nor did Vinyl, but it's fun to have music.

Desert Guard

"'Tavi...?" I asked, growing nervous. "Where's the map?"
"Well, you threw it in the dustbin before we left," she replied.
"You always bring a map!" I protested. She nodded.
"Indeed I did, mon ami, but not this time. I figured it was well time for a lesson," she said briskly. I rolled my eyes.
"Yeah right. Jig's up, where's the extra map?" I laughed.
"You threw out the map, didn't you?" asked Thunderlane. I nodded. "Well, were doomed!"
"Don't say that! We can always pull over and ask for directions," suggested Roseluck. I shrugged and pointed.
"There's a convienience store over there. I could use a break on the old horn," I decided and rubbed my horn. You see, the only thing self-run carriages ran on at the time was unicorn magic. It was exaughsting. "Break?"
"Break!" everypony decided. I pulled over at the Fresh-'n'-Go that I pointed out earlier.
The mare inside was named Tulip Morning. Nice kid, she had a minor acne problem and braces. She had fiery orange hair, and a light blue coat. Not cyan, or whatever, just light blue. She had on a bow tie and frycook hat. Probably the gas station uniform. It was strange, seeing as we had left Ponyville hours ago, and hadn't hit civilization until Greensdale a while back.
"How may I help you today?"
"A'ight, my name is Vinyl Scratch, and I am dead lost. We are supposed to get to Los Pegasus in one hour to play a show and catch a flight to Manehattan! And my stupid ass threw away the map, so we're stranded. So we stopped here to get directions slash map, use the bathroom, and Thunderlane... Is stocking up on snacks, apperantly," I explained our situation. I gave Thunderlane a wierd look as he got down a pack of Kickers and Milk Bucks. (A/N: That's a play on Snickers and Milk Duds, for those of you following at home.)
"What? I brought my own bits!" he protested. I rolled my eyes.
"Fine. Don't spend them all, this is a six show tour!" I warned. He sighed and put back some assorted candies.
"Fine, but I'm getting the Milk Bucks and Colt-a-Cola!" Thunder demanded. He placed his goods on the counter, and the cashier rang him up.
"That'll be fifteen bits!" Tulip grinned. "Cash or credit?"
"Fine, but I'm not getting the Milk Bucks or Colt-a-Cola," he sighed and put everything back. Tulip rolled her eyes.
"You guys ready to go?" asked Octavia, adjusting her mane. "We have to get going. While we're there, we need to talk to that stallion who made that stupid video for Big in the Clubs."
"That's Big in da clubs. We do. The whole eastern Equestria will think we're fillyfools. Speaking of which, let's hear that!" I said and grabbed a map. It was about 3 bits. I threw that on the counter and galloped out the door. I jumped in the carraige and put on Big in da Clubs, trying to keep the video out of my mind. (A/N Seriously, avoid that video. It's a good song, tho.)
"This is good. What is it?" asked Roseluck as she jumped in the back of the carraige.
"A song me and 'Tavi did a while back. Just avoid the music video," I warned. She gave me a wierd look.
"How do 'music videos' work?" she asked. I shrugged.
"Some fool takes a bunch of pictures and runs them together to music," I continued and made a swirly motion with my hoof. "An idiot made the video to this song include me and 'Tavi make out. Disgusting. I'm no fillyfool, dunno about her."
"That is disgusting!" agreed Thunderlane as he entered. Octavia nodded as she followed. She got in the passengers seat and grabbed the map.
"A quaint little city named Appleloosa is up here, a few miles," she explained. "Why don't we head there?"
"Why?" I asked and magic-ed the carraige forward.
"Because it borders Los Pegasus. You, Thunderlane, and Rosemary..."
"Roseluck," corrected Roseluck.
"Roseluck, sorry, and Roseluck can go forward and get ready for the show, I'll book us a hotel room, and you'll pick me up after you set up, and we'll play when we have to," plotted 'Tavi. I nodded.
"Good plan!" I agreed. A sign reading "Appleloosa City Limits" passed by us, and a train track was next to us. "We're here!"
"This... city is watched by... Desert Guard?" read Roseluck off another sign. "What's Desert Guard?"
"I have no idea," I said. "But if it's creepy, I have the music!" I said and bucked the record player.
"Not this again!" moaned Octavia as my awesome wubs filled the vehicle.

\m/-.-,,|,

In Appleloosa

"So this is Appleloosa?" asked Thunderlane. "Who's the gay guy with the vest?"
He pointed at a lingering Braeburn, greeting everypony who walked by. "I don't think he's gay. I've met some gay-ass ponies in my time, and he doesn't seem like it," I argued. He nodded.
"I didn't mean gay as in homosexual, I meant gay as in stupid. Besides, I think he's related to Applejack," Thunder went on.
"Pff. Who isn't?" asked Roseluck.
"Don't poke fun at the Apple family," 'Tavi insisted. "They're nice ponies. I think his name is Braeburn."
"They have a tendancy to name theirselves after apples, don't they?" I asked. Thunderlane and Roseluck nodded.
"Pull over here," 'Tavi demanded and pointed to a far-off saloon. The Salt Lick.

\m/-.-,,|,

Later

"Hi. My name is Vinyl Scratch. You may know me as..." I began. The bartender cut me off.
"Deejay pone three! I know you! I'm yo biggest fan. I'm Yugdab Ami. Odd name, no? Parents was wierd. Well, is pleasure to have celebrity down here in Appleloosa!" he greeted and shook my hoof vigorously. "Yugdab Ami, again."
"Wow. I'm a celebrity?" I asked. He nodded.
"Oh yeah. I especially like Dodge This. Good, good song!" he continued.
"O-kay..." I began to back off, but he wasn't done.
"It go like this: WUBWUBwuhwuhwuhwuhWUUUBwahwuhuhuhuhuh," he made noises.
"I know... I wrote it..." I said, half out the door.
"And it's my favorite song, too. I--" I was already out the door.

"Vinyl? What took you so long?" asked Roseluck. I shrugged.
"Fan. Wouldn't shut up. Let's try somewhere else," I suggested. "How about that guy over there?" I said and pointed at Braeburn. "He seems to know his way around. Hey! You! With the vest!"
"Oh, hi there. Welcome to Aaayuhpalooosa!" he said and reared up. "We got here our horse drawn car-"
"Look, bro, hate to cut you off, but we need some help. We've got to be in Los Pegasus in thirty minutes to set up for a show, and we need a hotel room or two. The guy in the bar was no help, you seem to know what you're doing, does 'Aayuhpaloooosa' have a friggin' hotel we've been looking for a place to stay for an hour now," I explained. Well, I lied there, we had been looking for a map for an hour now, and we found one.
"The bartender at the Salt Lick?" he asked, face going pale. "You... didn't walk out on him, did you?"
"How couldn't I 'ave? I'd lose hearing in an ear!" I joked. "Now, you all right?"
"THERE! SHE THE ONE WHO WALKED OUT ON ME!" yelled Yugdab Ami. A pair of buffalo ran at me and the world went black.

Author's Note

Lucky, lucky. I found an artist under the name Vinyl Scratch. Good job, ol' me!

3604/Ende Eines Detendsatzes

(A/N: This is what I call a double-chapter. It's two chapter ideas shoved into one chapter! I are smort.)
3604
I woke up in a moving MPC, that stands for Magically Propelled Carraige, that I didn't recognise as my own. A buffalo and a seeming prision guard sat opposite of me. I blinked a few times and shook my head. My muzzle hurt.
"Okay. Where am I?" I asked. The prision guard turned to me. He had a scar running down the left side of his face, starting at his eyebrow. He had a white coat with a gray mane and held an M40 in one hoof.
"You have strictly violated a rule of the Desert Gaurd. Such a transgression comes with one warning. and a one way ticket out of Appleoosa. Your friend Thunderlane informed us you were headed to the Los Pegasus Ampitheater. Ende Eines Detendsatzes says he knows you and will pick you up from the drop-off zone," he said in a low voice, slightly resembling gravel running under tires. I gave him a strange look.
"Okay, I've never been to Appleoosa, and I don't know what the hell is going on here! What's a desert guard, who was Yoog-deb, and who are you two?" I asked. The buffalo shook her head.
"Well, for starters, my name is Little Strongheart," she got up on all fours. "I don't know his name, he's just an Enforcer. The Desert Guard is an alliance formed with the ponies of Appleoosa and the bison tribes around here, after the... thing with the Element wielders. Yugdab is one of the higher-ups in the Guard, and cutting off an authority figure is, well, a transgression, like Enforcer 3604 here said." She nodded her head in the direction of Enforcer 3604. He nodded.
"Can I call you 3604?" I asked.
"If you so wish," 3604 responded. I gave him a wierd look.
"If I so wish? Use the force, Luke. Jeez, 3604, you don't like fun," I laughed. "Why so uptight?"
"It is code, ma'am," he responded. I shook my head, still laughing.
"First off, don't call me 'ma'am'. It's Vinyl, Vinyl Scratch, or Scratch. And second off, you really like rules, don't you?" I went on. He rolled his eyes.
"Rules are the system that keeps civilization together, Ms. Scratch," 3604 said, as if repeating something for the umpteenth time.
"Nice to see you have an opinion, or is that what the sarge told ya?" I joked. "Ms. Scratch. I like that. Helluva lot better than DJ PON-3, tell you that."
"I believe that. And you are DJ PON-3? My children listen to you," 3604 admitted. His expression loosened.
"Nice to meet a fan every once and the while. So, we almost there, or... what?" I asked, then added. "You have kids?"
"Well... yes, we all have children, accept 5846, the lucky bastard. Well, mine are 9897 and 10037, but... I guess you don't care..." he said. I shook my head. I did care, foals are cute, you're a heartless bastard if you don't think so. "Really?"
"I do care, foals are cute, I'd be a heartless bastard if I didn't think so," I repeated.
A loud bump came from up front. A red glow came from behind the mesh wall that seperated us and the driver, and a loud explosion could be heard.

Ende Eines Detendsatzes
"Wh-What happened?"
I felt myself around. I was in one peice! I let out a 'yeehaw!' and looked around. 3604 was sitting over next to the hood of the car, which was about thirteen feet away. The windshield was a bit blackened, and the recoil of the blast dented up the MPC a bit, seeing as it was made out of alluminum. I had hit my head on the back of the door when the blast happened, and Little Strongheart pulled me out. I sparked my horn to make sure it still work, and drew my initials in the sand to clarify, so my horn was fine. I asked what had happened.
"Well, the magic-to-energy converter... blew. The driver is all over himself for letting it happen," Little Strongheart explained and motioned to a red stalion with achromatic gray hair, moping up against the side of the MPC.
"Well, he's a ball of sunshine," I mumbled and meandered over to 3604. I sat next him on the sand. "So, what're we doin'?"
"Well, until Ende Detensatzes arrives, we can't go anywhere," 3604 rolled his eyes. "I don't like him. My brother did some security work for him, and from what I hear, he's quite the pompous asshole. And his name is a bad pun, too."
"What's the pun?" asked Little Strongheart as she walked over to sit with us.
"Well, Ende Eines Datensatzes is 'one end of the record', but his name is Gläschen Ende Detensatzes. Datensatze is 'D-A-T-E' and Detensatze is 'D-E-T-E'," 3604 went on.
"That is bad," Little Strongheart agreed. I nodded. Suddenly, 3604's horn began to glow a dark blue. A faint German accent could be heard, but what it was saying was incomprehensible.
"Nicht viel, du?" 3604 responded. The other voice grew angry as the two got in an argument. "Nein, aber wir haben sie. Sie ist nett. Irgendwie süß, aber ich habe eine Frau. Nein .. Nein .. Ja ... Ich weiß ... Wen rufst du an eine 'gentechnisch entwickelt imbecil?' Du bist nicht besser. Alles klar, ich werde auf sie. Nein, sind ihre Freunde sicher. Ich denke, dass der Barkeeper kümmern brauchte. Braeburn ist nicht allzu glücklich, dass wir die 'Wüste Garde Initiative' zog in auf diese. Nun, ich weiß nicht um ihn kümmern. Verdammt. Das ist in Ordnung. 3604 aus." 3604 looked angry and shut off his horn with a hint of annoyance. "That was Detensatzes. He wants to see you immediatly."
He then muttered something under his breath along the lines of "he'll kill her", but I think that's a misunderstanding. Maybe he'll just work me to death, so to speak.
I had to talk to Octavia.
RIGHT THEN!

The Reason You Haven't Been Getting Chapters: An Authors Note

Not only have I been under a lot of emotional stress recently, I'm also an editor, and I'm editing 5 stories as of now. Awesomedude17's Six and another one about zombies, Thorn buck's Things You Never Expect, Camo Flash's New Ponyvillian Desktop Adventures, and wtfboom88's Ponyville Connundrum III: Saving Simon. And I was editing Ponies on Red Dwarf, and I'm going to edit Flywest. And I'm working on a collab project with wtfboom88 and Mindless Dream, and I'm going to edit Mindless Dream's Full Album when he gets around to writing it.

So, expect a chapter within then next two months.