Bumbling Around Equestria

by Dyon

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Random, Human
Length: 2351

Set in the Chess Game of the Gods Universe. A young spoiled rich kid finds himself transported to the magical land of Equestria, but it isnt all it was chalked up to be. He is now put in the middle of a game that will likely be his death.

Tell me if you have heard this one. Somebody is just sitting there minding his own business when a stranger walks up to him and offers to send them to Equestria with no strings attached. He obviously accept right? No! If some guy comes up to you and offers to send you to Equestria throw your coffee in his face and yell at him until he leaves. That's what I should have done, but instead I now find myself in this world in the body of a small helpless creature. I don't think being a house pet is going to sit very well with me.

Takes place in the Chess Game of the Gods universe.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2013-01-02 02:14:21 UTC

Prologue: A Trip to Remeber

People continued to file in and out of the Starbucks I sat in ordering their drinks before taking off into the dull repetitive world. Sure, it was extremely pessimistic and a little bit emo to view the comings and goings of others in that light, but I didn’t really have much else to do on a Tuesday afternoon. I continued to listen to, Avast Fluttershy, which I had on loop on my phone as I continued to watch the pedestrians.

It was around two in the afternoon so most of them were probably on break from whatever boring job that they worked at, and only had thirty minutes to grab themselves a quick treat before returning. For some reason that I am still not certain of I pitied them. They had to rush back and forth doing repetitive meaningless tasks all day to scrape together a meager some of money in order to survive. I on the other hand had a nice trust fund that would keep me going for the rest of my life. Man, being a rich kid was awesome.

Don’t get me wrong there are certain drawbacks for instance you don’t aren’t really able to make many friends outside of your own social class. The middle class kids tend to think that you look down on them, or they just ask you to buy things for them all the time to prove that you are a real friend; which is fine if you are willing to, but I'm usually not. I only ever really had one good friend, but he had moved to France a few years ago leaving me without any real meaningful relationship. Oh well, I can always just throw a party and feel like I have someone to talk to, and in the end isn’t that what friendship is?

I stopped my people watching and turned my attention back to my Ipad, which I was browsing FiMFiction.net on. I honestly couldn’t care less if the people in the Starbucks saw that I like MLP as was evident by my derpy shirt. I hadn’t cared what other people thought in a long long time.

There were a couple of updates to my favorites that I would have to look through, but other than that it seemed that I had another lazy day ahead of me. My music cut off for a second and I heard Space Core scream some nonsense about space into my ear, signifying that I had a text message. I pulled my phone from my hoodie and saw that my mom was bugging me about wasting my time again.

Another drawback to having a trust fund support you, is that you are a slave to your parent’s every whim. It’s their money after all and if they don’t like how you are living your life they can just decide to cut you off at any time. My mom had been bugging me to make something of myself ever since I had finished high school, but I didn’t really see the point. The entire point of getting a job was to earn money and I already had that. Just because she came from a poor neighborhood in Brooklyn and had to work for everything she had didn’t mean I had to right?

I rolled my eyes and put my phone back in my pocket, and was about to turn my music back on when someone spoke up. “Parents suck don’t they?” The man that asked the question was standing in front of me drinking a vanilla frappuccino. He wore black, scratch that, this guy wore so much black that he looked like the offspring of ebony and onyx. He had on a black coat, with a black shirt underneath, and black pants below that, completed with black boots. I bet I know what this guy’s favorite color is.

“Yea, but the 'rents give the cash so what’s a guy to do?” I replied as I took out one of my headphones; this guy didn’t warrant enough attention to make me remove both.

The stranger took it as an invitation to take a seat. “There is plenty one can do, it is just a matter of actually doing it. The name is Randal by the way.” He extended a hand, which I hesitantly shook.

“Jake, and what did you mean by that?” I asked.

“Well I couldn’t help, but notice that you happen to be one of those, what do they call them, bronies. I know a bit about the show, and one particular question that I know you bronies love to ask each other is what if you could go to Equestria yourselves. So if you could go would you?” It was kind of hard to follow his train of thought, but I somehow managed.

“I’ve thought it over plenty, and sure I would go if I had the chance.” He smiled and started to inhale but I swiftly cut him off. “With a few conditions of course.”

He frowned a moment before speaking. “What kind of conditions?”

“Well for starters I wouldn’t want to be a human. Out of all the different things that they have in Equestria humans have to be some of the most ill suited for survival. Sure if we were there in large numbers we could take over the place, but just one human, and especially one as scrawny as me, no I would definitely want to be something else.” I really needed to get out and exercise more.

“Well that’s no pro…”

“And I wouldn’t want to be a pony either. I have read way to much bad HiE about humans getting turned into ponies.”

“We could work with th…”

“Also it needs to be unique. Something no one has ever done before you know? Can’t really think of anything off the top of my head, but eventually I could come up with something.”

“Well…”

“Magic too, definitely need magic if I was in Equestria.”

“Enough!” his outburst caused some of the patrons of the café to give us odd looks. “Sorry, it’s just you wouldn’t let me get a word in edgewise.”

“No problem; just try not to freak out in the future. I think you need to mellow out dude.” I leaned back and picked up my own coffee to give it a sip. I could probably mess with this guy for a while longer before he finally left.

“Like I was trying to say. I represent a very important, very powerful individual who would like to offer you a chance to take a nice relaxing vacation in Equestria. You know, meet some ponies, make some friends, maybe slay a few monsters or something.” He said something else under his breath that I didn’t quite catch.

“Sure.” My frank answer seemed to startle him. Yea, this guy was way too easy to mess with. He probably expected me to disbelieve him immediately and then we would get into a long discussion on whether the offer was real or not. The look of disbelief on his face was well worth bypassing that whole part of the conversation.

“Just like that?” he asked.

“Just like that. Hell, I already gave you the only real conditions I had and if you were going to offer without anything to back it up then what’s the harm in accepting. If you are for real and I just passed up this opportunity. So yea I would be happy to accept your offer.”

A smile spread across the man in black before he pointed his finger at me. “Off you go th…”

“Lame!”

“What?” he asked, finger still pointed at my chest.

“At least say something clever or epic or something. Just saying ‘Off you go then’ is so played out I think that my grandma would roll her eyes at it.” I pulled my phone back out of my pocket and started to scroll through my song list. Frankly, this guy was starting to bore me.

“What epic thing would you have me say before I tossed you across universes then?”

“I don’t know. Do I have to give you the answer? If I had to tell you that would kind of remove all of the purpose from it. Think up your own zingers Randal, it will be more meaningful that way,” I said without looking up from my phone but out of my peripheral I could tell that I had just pushed him over the edge.

He raised his hand again, using all five fingers to point my way this time. “See you later, asshole!” he yelled and suddenly I felt something pull me backwards.

I started to fall through what looked like a black tunnel that led forever downward. Through the small patch of light above me I could see Randal staring down at me smiling as I fell into oblivion. I expelled the remaining air from my lungs in a final curse that would be recorded in the history books for all of humanity to read for generations.

“FUCK YOUUUUUUUuuuuuuuuuuuuu.”

There was no light to wake me up, but there was definitely plenty of noise causing me to drift from the sweet embrace of sleep and feel around. An incessant clopping sound against cobblestone beat me over the head repeatedly until eventually I had to clamp my paws down over my fluffy ears to stop the noise. Wait a minute… there are no cobblestone roads in Albany. Oh and also the paws and fluffy ears were new too.

I opened my eyes and looked around. The dark walls and shadows of a trashed alleyway were all that immediately greeted me. I blinked for a moment, and then suddenly everything seemed to pop out with an indigo tent. The colors were all off, but I was able to see much better. I could even make out the rough outline, and by outline I literally mean that the guy had an outline, of Randal who was smiling down at me.

I tried to stand up so that I could punch the douche bag in the face but just ended up falling forwards. I managed to catch myself with my front paws before I hit the ground. I stood there for a moment on all fours trying to get my bearings. I had four legs… I was a quadruped. What the actual fuck?

“So right now you are probably trying to figure out what exactly has transpired,” Randal said as he kneeled down to get on my level. I hadn’t noticed it at first because of how pissed off I was, but he was way taller than me now. By way taller I mean that he could scoop me up in his hands and scratch my head like I was a house cat or something. Oh god was I a cat. I hate cats!

“No you aren’t a cat, although that would have been incredibly funny, but also a violation of one of your conditions. No, you are something known as a billy bumbler, which is a creature from my world. Not native to Equestria so there you can have your originality.” He replied to my thoughts.

Oh my god can he read minds!

“Yes, I can read minds. Oh that’s very mature.” Apparently he could see mental images as well.

“What. Fuck. Happening.” That wasn’t what I was trying to say at all.

“Yes, you might have some trouble speaking. Part of being a bumbler and all, but that is just something to get used to. I did give you some magic, but since you have been so rude and obstinate through this entire thing I am not going to tell you exactly what it is. I am not entirely cruel so I will give you a hint, it has to do with your eyes.” Out of his jacket he pulled a small mirror and held it before me. "Take a look."

I did as bade and looked deep into the mirror more than a little afraid at what would be staring back at me. A small furry animal with shining golden eyes looked back from the smooth surface of the mirror and moved whenever I did. It looked like a cross between a cat and dog, and was almost the size of a full grown schnauzer. It had a light gray coat with black stripes running all along its fur and down its legs and tail. The tail itself was long like a lemurs and stuck up far in the air behind it. Its face resembled a raccoon in how the tufts of hair stuck out to the sides, but a dog's in all other respects. All in all, it was a really weird looking creature that apparently had some sort of speech impediment.

I heard someone gasp behind me, prompting me to turn around and look at a unicorn mare that was standing at the end of the alleyway. She was a blue unicorn and rather portly, but her eyes just lit up when she laid eyes on me. I really didn’t like the look in her eyes so I tried looking back to Randal for some assistance, but he was already gone. A large red C and K were quickly disappearing into the brick wall on the side of the ally.

Suddenly, I was no longer standing on the ground and was floating in a light blue aura. No longer under my own volition, I was turned around to look at the mare who’s horn was glowing as I was moved towards her. When I finally reached her, her magic aura cut out and she scooped me up into the most crushing excruciating hug that I have ever had in my life.

“I don’t know what you are, but you are just so cute. You are coming home with momma,” the gargantuan mare said as she started to levitate me again and leave the alleyway. A single word pretty much summed up the entire situation that I now found myself in.

“Shit.”