Oh. Good evening. Sorry I didn't see you there. Don't mind me. I'm just here to clean up a few things. I'm something of a repairman.
As a mater of fact, I am a human. My name's Jon. Nice to meet you. You're probably one of only a handful of ponies who even believe we exist, which is most likely how you spotted me. I guess I've just gotten too used to not having to have the awareness filters set at maximum. Terribly sorry if I've upset you.
Oh, really? Well thank you. I guess I'm just used to beings freaking out when confronted by someone not of their world. You're a bit of a welcome change from what normally happens when I'm found out.
Hmm? Oh, well the last time, the guy shot me.
No, really. Shot me right in the back. Lucky for me really. If he'd shot me in the head, it would have been the end of me. But these coveralls stop nearly all bullets, most energy weapons, and a good deal of chemical and biologicals. Necessary part of the job. But they're comfortable, so I'm not complaining.
My job? Well, my actual title is Reality Repairman 2nd class. I fix broken or stressed parts of your existence.
What? No, not yours personally. But I have had to clean up or patch a few things around you. My primary responsibility is the pony that lives in that house right over there.
Yes, Pinkie Pie. She is my nemesis.
What do you mean, "That's horrible"? First off, do you have ANY idea the damage that one pony does to your reality, on a regular basis, that I have to clean up? She causes more chaos by herself than all the super heroes and villians from the reality I did my internship in combined. There should be ten of us covering her, not just me by myself.
Second, because of the nature of the work we do as reality repairmen, the ultimate laws of the multiverse classify us as "evil" by strict definition. Just because we alter the fabric of the universe. I even had to join one of the sanctioned evil unions.
Okay, granted, the Evil Overlords 137th is rather tame compared to most. And there are a few of us from the "grey" careers in it who support each other. Heck, I'm friends with a Time Lord. He even gave me one of his old sonic screwdrivers. That's it in my toolbox there on the left end. Could you hand it to me? Thanks, frightfully handy thing. Helped me cut my tool load in half once I got it.
Right, as I was saying, being classified as evil, and being part of the union, one of the rules is that we must have at least one nemesis. Being as Pinkie Pie is my responsibility in this reality, by default she is my nemesis. It's nothing sinister, unless you think leaving all the reality damage she has caused go untended would be a good thing.
Like what? Oh, I don't know, there's her repeatedly bending or completely disregarding the laws of physics, breaking the fourth wall on a regular basis, things like that!
What's the fourth wall? Hmm, you know, you're flexible enough of mind to accept the existence of humans and not flip out, but I think if I tried to explain it well enough for you to actually begin to understand that concept, your little mind would just pop. And honestly, I think I like you, so I'm not going to do that to you.
However, that is precisely one of the fixes I need to make right now, so I'll try a simple analogy. Could you hand me the duct tape? Yes, one of those silver rolls there in the middle of the tool box. Thanks.
NO! Of course I don't think you're simple. It's just, well, even in reality repair training, they know we're all going to crash into the mental wall when we get to that part. They schedule a break around that time specifically because of it. I was out of action for three days coming to grips. My mentor said it took him a week. They lose about a third of the trainees right there.
Anyway, I've kind of enjoyed having you as an extra set of hands, so to speak, and would hate to loose the help, and the conversation, as you come to terms with one of the more crazy concepts in all spacetime.
Let me just put it this way, every now and then, Pinkie Pie will do something that basically cracks the boundaries between realities. Left untended, bits of one reality could leak into the other. If left unchecked, the barrier could fall and the realities would spill all over each other.
Let's say I have a fire and a bucket of drinking water; if the bucket leaks a little bit, bad, but not critical. However, if I take the bucket completely away, the fire is doused, the drinking water is fouled, AND we get mud, smoke and steam. And that is a mild example.
That is the kind of thing on a reality wide level I try and stop. Even though the card in my wallet says "evil" I'm the one out here trying to save the world from my "nemesis ". What, oh yes. If I did it right, the tape I just put up in that open air should just disappear like that.
Oh, most of what I actually do is mental. The tools are focus objects, more or less. I've trained my brain so that, if I do all the steps right, my belief that duct tape holds the universe together works to patch the break. There isn't anything magical about the tape at all, other than my belief in its power.
Bending physics? Well, yea, that is a bit of a trickier subject, especially with you guys. You have magic in this reality, and that makes things a bit squishy to begin with. But there are rules to your world, and sometimes she does things she shouldn't be able to EVER. Yet she does them.
Ah, I know an example. Have you ever seen her eat a cake in one bite? I know, horrifying isn’t it. First off, she opens her mouth wide enough to take in a cake bigger than her entire head. Second, her tongue comes out longer than her entire body, and LIFTS the cake with ease, drags it into her mouth, chomp, chew, GONE! She absolutely SHOULD NOT be able to do any of that. If I left things alone after that, either reality would eventually break, or physics in your world would have to change to make that the norm. And I don’t think you want to be eating cake in one bite. Agreed, I should say not.
After things like that, I come in and stitch the fabric of reality back together where she has frayed it. Like over here. Hand me that thing there with the blue handle. Yes, the one that looks like a screwdriver ALMOST, but if you look at it too closely, you realize the tip just kind of fades away. Nifty little bit of technology there. This lets me tweak things across multiple realities at the same time. Just don’t watch too closely as I use it. The migraines are really not worth it. Even I look away sometimes, and just trust the training and the feedback my other senses give me do their work.
As I was saying, this spot here, you may have noticed Pinkie Pie jumping for joy here earlier today. Not terribly dangerous you would think, but the truth is, she was bouncing just a bit too high for someone of her size and strength, and then she followed it up with producing all those streamers and glitter. I still haven’t figured out where she is pulling all that stuff from. If I understood, it wouldn’t worry me as much, or I could stop her. As it is, they just appear, and my reality warning goes off. Yes, a tweak here, and adjust this… Ah, good. Now you won’t all start floating off into space.
What? Reality warning? Oh, that. Really, if one thing almost makes her my nemesis in the classic sense, it would be that. Whenever she does something that harms or endangers your reality, I get sent an alert. It’s like a cell phone on vibrate, only…
Oh, sorry. Yes, I guess you wouldn’t know what a cell phone is. Hmm, let me think a second. Ah, I know! It’s like a wind up alarm clock when the alarm goes off, only you are holding the bells as it tries to ring. Yes, it vibrates your hand like crazy, and may even sting.
Oh, sorry, yes, your HOOF, although you all use your hooves as if they were hands, I really do need to look into that more in the future if I ever get some free time. But yes, I must remember the local vernacular.
Anyway, as I was saying, the alert is like the ringing of the alarm clock, only it’s IN my head. Yes, that would be rather distracting and annoying. I mean, the blasted thing has gone off twice just while we’ve been talking here.
Yes, exactly then. My left eye does tend to twitch and squint when it happens. If it is a major event, it could even cause me to stutter a bit. Rather difficult to ignore, sleep through, or overlook. And they keep going off till the item is resolved. I swear, I haven’t had a moment’s peace since I took this assignment.
Actually, you can help me with one of those. Here hold this. Yes, I know it looks like a regular tennis ball, as I mentioned before most of the tools are just representations and focus objects. Just hold it, concentrate on it, and imagine it is blue. Sky blue would be best, but just imagine it being blue. I’ll tell you when to stop.
Not bad. I was able to get this other issue straightened out while you took care of that one. But, you seem to have a bit of a talent for this. Have you ever considered a career as a reality repairman, or, repairpony I guess it would be? The multiverse could always use a few more. The training is rarely fatal.
Ah well. Just think about it. If you change your mind, here’s my contact channel. However, if you need to get a hold of me in a hurry, just get around Pinkie Pie and ask her about kumquats. She will have no idea what you are talking about, but it will send off a thrum through my alert, and I will come as soon as possible. Just don’t be alarmed if everything and everyone around you just stops. Generally I don’t like to play with time, as it makes for a lot of paperwork and extra clean up, but if you feel something is urgent enough to try and get my attention that way, I’m sure it will be worth it.
Yes, as a matter of fact, that IS a lot of responsibility. But I think you can handle it. I’m sure you wouldn’t contact me that way about something frivolous. Again, if you just want to chat, use the standard channel, and if I am available I will get to you as quickly as possible. Um, however, if I am hung up on something and end up speaking directly into your mind, please don’t freak out. The return resonance is rather painful if you get too excited.
Noooo, why would I do that? I mean, I’ve spent all this time building a rapport with you, why would I wipe your memories of all of this now?
Oh yes, I most certainly could. See this here, yes, it’s a Nuralizer Model C. A lot more advanced than the reality we originally got them from. It kind of has to be; we have to wipe the memories of being far more wide ranging than standard human. But I’m not going to do that to you. As I said, I like you. And honestly, being the only reality repairman around here gets rather lonely. It would be nice to have a friend. However, you do understand, you can’t tell anyone about me, or I would have to take steps. It could be something as simple as wiping your memory, but being an official member of the evil section, I can go as far as deleting you completely form existence. And really, neither of us wants that.
Sorry. I wasn’t trying to scare you. Well, not really that way. I just wanted you to understand the seriousness of all of this. No, really, no harm done.
Well, I need to get going. There is a small ripple or two in some other areas that I have been meaning to get to for a while, and I have finally caught up on some of these major issues around here. Thanks to your help actually. Who knows, I may even get lucky and get enough taken care of so that I can possibly even get some sleep. It’s only been four days since my last nap. Almost a record where Pinkie Pie is concerned. Usually, it is at least a week between any form of sleep, and that usually involves passing out from exhaustion.
As I said, it’s been nice meeting you. I hope we will run across each other again soon.
