This was going to be legendary.
That was all that was going through my mind as the minibus pulled away from the Scout hall. I was eighteen years old and this was going to be my last ever camp. And it was in Switzerland! I’d heard only good things about this northern European country. Most of the Scouts were going the next day on an aeroplane. However, my two best mates were here on the minibus with me. We’d left it too late to book a place on the plane, but our absolute legend of a leader, Max, had let us hitch a ride on the bus with the kit, and for a discounted price too!
“Hey, you know there’s gonna be like, twelve hundred people at this camp right?” asked Ed.
Ed was tall, with blue eyes and straight blond hair that just reached the bottom of his ears. He wasn’t a muscled lad, but could hold his own in a fight. Most people underestimated him because of his thin, scrawny appearance. But boy was he fast.
“Yeah, that means it’s gonna be the greatest crusade we’ve ever been on!” said Sam, loudly.
Sam was the complete opposite of Ed. He had dark hair, skin and eyes, and was a tank. His dad had played rugby for Wales in his day, and Sam dreamed of following in his footsteps. Or bootsteps. He was already the top player in his school and the national under eighteens, even though he was only sixteen. The muscles in him looked like they were practically fighting to get out of his upper torso, and his thighs were like concrete slabs.
“Nah bro, it means there’s bound to be some fit girls there.” retorted Ed.
I couldn’t help laughing. “Shut up Ed, we all know you’d shag anything with two legs and tits!”
My name is Jack and I was known for my hair. It was dark ginger and the envy of many. It grew big, wild and curly, and came halfway down my back. Even girls grew jealous of its thick smooth curls. I’m not proud of it or anything... hehe... anyway, I was the geek. Anything electrical or mechanical had my immediate and undivided interest. I’d spend hours disassembling and reassembling old laptops, game consoles, and once, the engine from our old car. As a result, I wasn’t exactly fat, but I could do with losing a few inches off the waistband. Exercise just didn’t seem to fit in around all the tech I messed with. Hell, I even still played with Legos.
I’d thankfully put in a good few sessions in the gym before the camp, so I was thinner and more muscled than usual for the activities.
Ed scowled at me in good humour, and then joined the unanimous laughter.
“Yeah, this one time when we went to Jersey, I managed to overhear some muffled screams coming from your tent.” chimed in Max. The guy was in his late fifties, had awesome grey and brown facial hair, and a faded bushman’s hat to hide his balding head. He was not what you’d expect of a leader; he was officially one of our drinking buddies and was as laddish as they come. If Max was at a camp, the camp was good.
“Oh my God, I thought the pillow she put her head in would help.” said Ed, embarrassed.
“Yeah, I saw that bird come out, you needed the pillow for more than one thing eh? That face looked like a truck hit it!” cut in Sam.
“Hey, that’s why pony style was invented!” replied Ed.
“Good point.” I said, as the bus erupted into more laughter, Max’s beer belly jiggling slightly.
Also, as well as being the ultimate mates, we were all bronys. Even Max. Therefore, we had affectionately renamed ‘doggy style’ as ‘pony style’. See what we did there?
The banter continued down the motorway with music blasting out, mostly Alestorm, Muse and Kasabian. The talk mostly ranged from past scout camps and what we expected from this one, to school, life in general and other trivial stuff. Before going under the English Channel in the Eurostar, we arrived at the Travelodge we’d be spending the night in.
“Booking under ‘Phoenix Explorers’ please.” Max said to the receptionist.
“Certainly sir. That’s one triple room and one single room, correct?”
“Yes, that’s us.”
Max gave us our key.
“Why not just a family room?” asked Ed, not the brightest bulb in the box.
“I’m your Scout leader.” He explained whilst we walked down the corridor. “I’d be carted off to prison faster than you can say ‘Foal fiddler’.”
“...Oh yeah...”
“Well done Ed.” I said. “Way to ask the obvious. Whadda ya want from the bar, I brought my driving licence.”
“You legend!” said Sam and Ed together, as they handed me a tenner each. (Ten of my British pounds. Spiffing.) I was the only one of the three who was above the age limit.
Sam wanted as much cider as I could buy with his money, and Ed demanded Jack Daniels.
“Lashings of ginger beer for everyone!” I cried as I jogged off in the direction of the bar and the sweet delicious alcohol.
“Not too much!” shouted Max. “You need to be conscious and healthy at seven in the morning!”
I grinned to myself. That definitely wasn’t going to happen.
I kicked the door to room 307 and Sam opened it. His eyes went wide as dinner plates. I wasn’t able to knock as my arms were filled with bottles of booze. I stomped into the room and grandly dumped the JD, cider and ginger beer on the bed. We each grabbed one of our chosen beverages and opened them. Ed ripped the top off with his teeth; I knocked the cap off mine against the table, making a scratch. Sam however, picked up a spoon from the coffee tray and wiggled it around under the cap of his cider. To the surprise of me and Ed, the cap popped off. Sam looked at our amazement, gave a cheeky grin, and pocketed the spoon.
We each raised our bottles high and said ‘grace’ as we always did before drinking:
“For wenches!” shouted Ed
“For alcohol!” yelled Sam
“For the strength of thy brothers!” I added.
We all gave the final line: “In the presence of these three, may our mothers never see.” And glugged our drinks until we’d each finished one.
The morning was not kind to us. At least one of us had had the sense to close the curtains so the sunlight wouldn’t torture our eyes. What woke me was a loud knock at the door.
“Oi! Get up you dolts! We need to leave in an hour!”
Great. Max was outside.
“Urrrgharble.” I replied.
Wow. I really need to work on my hangover talk. I dragged myself up off the floor and leant on the bed, in which Sam was sleeping like a baby. A baby surrounded by copious amounts of empty bottles of alcohol. Staggering to the door and using the walls and furniture for support, I managed to say in a croaky voice: “I’m coming...!”
“You guys had better be ready or I’ll...”
I opened the door.
“Kick... your... faces... in?” He mumbled as our leader gazed past his extremely hung over Scout into the chaos that was our room. With heavy footfalls, Max strode past me, grabbed a half finished bottle of cider from the table, and wordlessly emptied the contents onto the face of Sam, who was suddenly very wide awake.
The noise he made was utterly outstanding.
“AAARGH! WHAT THE F-GLUBGLUB-BLAAA! YOU DICKWEE-BUBUBU- *PPPFFFFFFSSSHHHHH!!!*”
I paused, somehow not laughing at what was easily the most comical scene I had ever witnessed, just to embrace the moment. To treasure and cherish the sheer amazingness of what had played out before me. Eventually, I managed to manoeuvre myself so that I was next to a spluttering Sam, and I grasped his hand in a firm shake.
“I must hereby give you the heartiest congratulations, my good sir. If I were not in the same state of post-drinking pain as you, I believe I would have wet myself.” I said, in the most posh British accent I could muster whilst some unseen God of Hangovers was cleaving my head open with a battleaxe. I turned back to Max to ask if he’d seen Ed, when I noticed his iphone pointing at us.
“Oh fuck no!” said Sam. “You fucking recorded that didn’t you?!”
The horror on his face, combined with embarrassment and drips of golden cider was a true wonder to behold.
Max decided to grace us with a pearl of wisdom after he’d finally stopped howling with laughter.
“In all my years of Scouting, I have never seen something so damn hilarious. I’ve got an easy two hundred and fifty quid if I sent this off to ‘You’ve been framed’ and have it shown to the world on TV.”
“You fucking dare!” challenged Sam.
“Oh but I do.” said Max. “Now where’s that other tit.”
“Dunno.” I shrugged. “Haven’t seen Ed this morning.”
“Right.” relied Max and wrenched open the bathroom door. He then stared in for a few seconds before bursting into newfound laughter. “Come take a look at this!”
I helped Sam out of bed and over to Max, only to behold Ed sleeping curled up on the floor next to a pile of brownish puke and snoring slightly.
“Hold this.” Max handed me his iphone after setting it up to record video. I pointed it at Ed. Max crept over to him, leaned in next to him, and bellowed into his ear:
“WAKEY WAKEY LAD!”
Caught on tape was Ed screaming awake, jolting up, whacking his forehead on the toilet bowl, and falling back down in groaning agony. A few moments later, a decently sized chunk of white porcelain fell off the bowl and knocked him unconscious.
“That was the second funniest thing I have ever seen. Of all time.” I stated.
“Not my fault!” said Max quickly. “Someone put a toilet in his way.”
Unlike me and Max, Sam could not hold his laughter well. He was struggling to breathe as he rolled around on the floor in hysterics. I grabbed a couple of seconds of that on the video and shut off Max’s iphone. I shifted the piece of toilet away from Ed and flushed it. Because of the missing piece, a good amount of water flowed onto Ed’s face, rudely rousing him again. Unlike Sam, Ed simply got up and stepped fully clothed into the shower and started to wash.
“Well, didn’t expect that.” said Max in surprise. “Right. Jack go after Ed in here, Sam come with me. I’ll wait outside my room while you shower. We’ve still got forty five minutes until we need to go, so let’s move. We can leave the empty bottles and stuff here, just take the full ones.”
“Spoken like a true Lad.” I commented. “Let’s do this!”
As Ed and Sam washed any and all evidence of our forgotten night of drunken debauchery form themselves, I rounded up the empty bottles and put them under the duvet, then piled the unexpectedly large amount of remaining alcohol on top after covering the empties. I whizzed around like a hurricane finding all our stuff and throwing it in the general direction of our suitcases. I was about half done when Ed strode gallantly out of the bathroom in a fresh pair of undies. I leapt into the shower and began to wash. (I’ll let you fill the gap here dear reader. As much fun as describing myself taking a shower is, you can just imagine it yourself.)
When I returned to the room and got dressed, Sam was back, and he and Ed were packing their bags. I joined the frenzy and we were all ready with ten minutes to spare.
“Well done Lads.” I congratulated them with a high five each before we exited the room and met Max in the lobby. After a hasty retreat from the Travelodge with our bags, we were on the move again. Well, not so much ‘on the move’. We could have been beaten to the Channel Tunnel by an asthmatic ant carrying heavy shopping. We waited for the abysmally slow queues to shorten. Sam and Ed fell asleep. I waited more. It wasn’t long before I joined the other two Scouts and fell into the clutches of a hangover nap.
Three and a half hours later, Max had had enough of the silence. One good blast from the radio later, and our protests joined his laughter as we were startled awake.
“We’re getting close to a services, anyone need anything?” asked our leader.
“I need to play fireman.” I replied. Sam and Ed agreed.
After we’d emptied our bladders and Max got a huge ass bag of sweets, we hit the road again and munched on the snacks.
After five more hours of conversation, this time mostly featuring that goddamn addicting show and fanbase that we all loved called ‘My Little Pony’, the campsite was in sight! We learnt a lot. Max had never read a fanfiction on the show before, and his favourite was Pinkie Pie. So it was with great pleasure that we recommended a sweet innocent story known simply as ‘Cupcakes’. Damn we’re mean. Sam’s favourite turned out to be Applejack because as he said: “She’s a friggin’ tank. She took out most of Sweet Apple Acres with her two back legs! If she wouldn’t win at rugby I’ll eat my kettle.” We guessed Ed’s favourite as Rainbow Dash, and whadda ya know, we were right. He used to be as much of an obnoxious show off as the cyan mare, and with twice the self-righteousness. But Sam and I had hammered it out of him (quite literally) not long after we met him. Now he was a bit more humble and thought about the feelings of others. ‘My Little Pony’ had taught him that.
We pulled up next to the minibuses from other Scout groups around Europe in the large field dotted with trees that hopefully would not be our home for the next week. The place would be absolutely brilliant for a Scout camp, but that’s not the main reason we were here, in Switzerland, home of the Large Hadron Collider. This mammoth machine, bigger than our home city of Cardiff, was built to accelerate atoms and molecules to near light speed and smash them into each other. In my mind, it was brilliant. In most other people’s minds, it was just some big sciency thing. This field was perfect, both because it was so big and because it was only eighteen hours hike to the bunker that lead to this machine.
After exiting the minibus, we were greeted by the rest of our troop and some friends they’d already made from Denmark and Spain. Us three didn’t bother with long introductions. If all went well, we’d be out of this universe tomorrow.
We set about setting up our tent. Max had offered a small three man, but Sam had brought instead a large six man tent, which was perfect for our belongings. We’d packed all necessary equipment and some un-necessary equipment, so we each had a hold-all and a monster of a 65-litre Duke of Edinburgh Challenge rucksack. With the tent up in ten seconds flat, we set out our beds for the night even though it was still mid-afternoon. If you can call a thin roll-out mat each a bed.
The rest of the day passed almost wordlessly between us as we prepared for our secret trek. We’d snuck into the nearby forest and were using our Scouting abilities to the max. To explain our absence, Ed was gathering branches while Sam used a hand-axe to fell a few small trees. I however, had found an ancient yew tree and was using some branches cut by Sam and some thick climbing string to craft three large bows in order for us to catch game/deter wild predators. Four hours later gave us an excuse, a bow each, and about sixty arrows between us. Sam had started fletching while I found a shale outcrop and was knapping the rock into arrowheads and fixing them to the shafts, and Ed hunted for feathers.
Just before nightfall, we stowed the weapons in the tent along with Sam’s axe and my rock hammer, and joined the dwindling queue for dinner. We sat together on our own.
“So Jack, have you got the... thingamajig...” asked Ed.
“Yep, the little bitch needs temperatures of below a hundred Kelvin so it’s being stored in a canister with liquid nitrogen.” Their blank looks said enough. “...I need to keep it very cold so it’s in a container to keep it that way. It’s also very heavy which is why you guys are lugging the tent between you.”
“Fair enough” commented Sam. “We’ve done longer hikes before but these packs will be our heaviest yet.”
“I’ve taken that into account.” I said. “It’ll take us eighteen hours to get there if we don’t stop, but we’ll need to so I’d say about a nice even twenty-four hours walk with stops for food and rest and stuff. We’ll have some sleep time as well.”
“We can do that.” agreed Sam, and Ed soon followed. “What is it you’ve made again?”
“I couldn’t give you its proper name, but I’ve taken a benzene ring and shoved some appropriate elements on it. Benzene is made of six carbon atoms arranged in a regular hexagon with one spare bond and the remaining valence shell electron delocalising into a pi-bond system above and below the ring...”
“English please.”
“Thank you Ed, anyway, I picked calcium for kindness because of the strong bonds it makes with other atoms and the fact that it is present in bones, shells and stuff that help protect and support organisms. For generosity, caesium. It’s the most reactive non-radioactive element and will always give its spare electron to any atom or molecule that needs it. Aluminium is for honesty. It’s very hard to wear down this metal, but if it does, it changes some of its properties drastically, like a warning that it’s changed. Loyalty is obviously argon, the most common of the noble gasses. I had to shove this gas through an electron gun to get it to even consider joining onto the benzene ring, but now it’s on; it’ll take a lot of heat and pressure to remove it. For laughter, I picked oxygen. Not only do we need it in order to breathe and therefore laugh, but I also bonded it with hydrogen to make an alcohol group. Lastly, magic. I chose nitrogen because of its ability to have either three or four bonds and still be stable. As far as I know, this is a unique ability.”
“Tidy.” said Sam, he seemed to have followed. “Just don’t think about the egghead nonsense and I guess it makes sense. I find your conclusions to be sound, Doctor.”
“I’m not a Doctor yet, I need to pass my A-levels first.”
“Wait!” said Ed. “Wait wait wait! Are you sure this will work?”
“Nope.”
“...okay.”
I roused my two friends at three in the morning after an early night and the tent went down by our hands, again in ten seconds flat. Thanks to years of practice, we were off by quarter past three. Our hold-alls were strapped to the top of our bags, each now weighing in excess of eighty kilos. We walked in silence, checking the map and compass on the go. I’d helpfully marked our route with a red felt tip, so there was no way we’d get lost. Two hours later at five in the morning, we stopped for a twenty minute rest. We set off after a snack and drink from our bags. We’d gotten Max to ignore our absence; he’d understood when we said we wanted some wild camping experience...
It was midday and we were completely drenched in sweat. The ruthless sun had decided to unleash its heat straight on us, boiling us in our own skin. At half past twelve on the dot, we collapsed for lunch. None of us had said a word so far since the trek began, and we weren’t in any sort of mood to now. I gratefully shed my rucksack next to a tree and lay a while sprawled out on the grass in the shade with my eyes closed. Ten minutes later I found the strength to lift my head. Sam and Ed were tucking in to a full-on sandwich feast they’d brought with them. Wordlessly, I grabbed my cheese and pickle from my hold-all and began to chow down. After scoffing three, I finally noticed the scenery. In our haste, we’d even forgotten to watch the sun rise! Our interpretation of the wonderful view was simply landmarks to be interpreted by map. I gazed out off the green hill we were on and onto a row of snow-topped forested mountains that pointed high into the sky, so that you’d think you could touch the clouds. The few clouds that did roll overhead were large, fluffy and bright grey, showing no chance of rain. A large farm shared our hill and the fields were so big, their animals grazed almost completely freely. Back home in Wales we had majestic hills and mountains, albeit covered in sheep, but they were there and provided great hiking practice and stunning scenery. But it had nothing on these green and white behemoths of natural beauty rising above us.
Our rest came and went. We had to trudge on. In silence we continued toward our goal. At eight in the evening we stopped in a relatively flat, unoccupied and inconspicuous field for the night. It took us an hour to set the tent up, get a fire going, and cook our meal. We’d camped like this so many times before, we practically ran like clockwork. Everyone knew their jobs: Sam would gather firewood with the help of his axe whilst Ed and I pitched the tent. When the tent was up, we’d help Sam until we had a large pile of wood. I’d then stay at the campsite and start the fire as Sam and Ed took a bow each and searched for some wild game. We knew it was illegal but we were hungry, and quick cook noodles can get a bit boring and insubstantial after a while.
The noodles were done; cooked in a pot over an open fire. Sam and Ed returned empty handed, as the norm, so we filled our bowls and ate. I was just about to ask what everyone thought the guys were doing back at the official camp, when Sam hissed “SSSHHHH!” Ed and I looked at him, puzzled, before he slowly picked up his bow, knocked an arrow, and waited; the readied arrow pointed at the shrubbery. Almost a whole minute passed. ~Twang~ *Thunk* ‘YELP!’
Sam jumped to his feet, dropped the bow, and bounded off into the darkening wood with a “whoop!” after an orange and white flash from the undergrowth. Ed and I just sat there looking stunned for a couple of minutes before we heard a rustling to the left.
Ed jumped over his bow and quiver, rolled, and sprang up with an arrow ready to fire. I snatched up my geological hammer in my right hand and flipped open a switchblade (illegal again, yes, but they’re too cool not to have!) to hold upside down in my left. Ed stood over me as I dropped into a low fighting stance I learnt from the internet. Yeah, I am so a ninja...
Thankfully, it wasn’t a bear. It was Sam with a dead fox slung in a fireman’s lift on his shoulders.
“Sharp as ever, lads.” complimented Sam, as he strode towards us, heroically.
“Oh thank Celestia; I thought it was a bear.” I sighed as I clipped my hammer back onto my hip, and snapped the switchblade shut and returned it to its pouch on my belt. I loved my belt. I felt like Batman when I wore it. I had on it my switchblade, a Leatherman penknife, a compass, a holster for my hammer, a long length of climbing rope and a quiver I’d made myself that sat sideways across the back of the belt and allowed me to pull out arrows from the right side of my hip instead of my shoulder. I’d also managed to make it so the arrows didn’t fall out by accident.
“You’re the best at this stuff.” Sam said, and unceremoniously dumped the carcass at my feet. He proceeded to start finding more wood fire while Ed constructed a spit for roasting. I won’t go into detail about the process of skinning and removing the internal organs of a fox, I was queasy enough when I got covered in the innards of a rabbit in more familiar woods back in Wales during a week of living off the land with the survival lads Sam and Ed, whom I love.
Twenty minutes later we had a fine net around a skinned fox while it bled out. It would be ready to cook by morning. I buried the head and some of the organs, but kept the stomach, lungs and intestines because ‘they can be useful’ says the internet. I thoroughly washed the skin and organs I decided to keep in a river nearby with some anti-bacterial washing-up liquid until they stopped smelling of fox and/or excrement. I returned to the tent to find Ed and Sam getting ready for bed. I couldn’t blame them, as it was nearly half ten at night and we’d been shattered almost all day from the moment we rose that morning. I wearily stowed the now clean fox parts in my bag and joined them for a well deserved sleep after sharing one of the leftover alcoholic ginger beers between us.
“So you really think you can get us to Equestria?” asked Sam through the darkness.
“...I honestly don’t know.” I replied. “But you know me; theoretical physics is a hobby of mine. And if the multiverse is as real as I’d like to believe it to be, what better way to prove it than zapping us off to Equestria?”
“Remind me, what’s the multiverse again?” asked Ed, severely behind on the whole idea, apart from the fact that we were trying to get to Equestria.
I replied enthusiastically: “The theory that states there are an infinite number of universes so therefore infinite possibilities of what these universes contain. So there has to be at least one Equestria that’s exactly like the show. You follow?”
“Uuuh... Yeah sure.”
“Good, so I hope my theory with the Large Hadron Collider works, otherwise it’ll just make a pretty picture on the screen and we’ll have to sneak out again.”
“Umm...” interrupted Sam. “About the ‘sneaking in’ part... How are we doing that again?”
“Well... I know my way around inside. I’ve used the virtual tours on their website and spoken over the internet with an employee of the facility. It’s just getting in that’s a bit of a problem.”
“...Well... Let’s go get shot.”
Thursday the twenty-second of August 2013. The day of our reckoning. The day that we’d truly know if we could fulfil our dream of travelling to Equestria. The odds stacked against us were too high to measure and we knew it. But we were gonna fuckin’ do it anyway!
14:32
We saw the facility in all its glory. We stood in a sparse village on the Franco-Swiss Border and marvelled at the simplicity of the outside of the building. No high-tech security, no armed guards, just a front door that helpfully stood ajar. I shrugged and began to walk towards it. My belt of awesome was safely stashed in my bag, and we’d burnt the bows at lunchtime, so we just looked like your regular backpacking trio of tourists. I guess our unwashed state helped appearances also. I confidently stepped through the door to find some sort of... reception area?
“Guten Tag, wie kann ich Ihnen helfen?” Too bad the lady behind the counter was speaking a language we couldn’t understand.
“Umm, English please?” Sam requested.
“English...? Good afternoon, how may I help you?”
I walked up to the desk like I wasn’t trying to hijack one of the most expensive pieces of scientific equipment in the world.
“Hello, do you run tours of the facility?”
“Sadly not, but feel free to chat with one of our free scientists in the room over there.” She pointed to the third door on the left. “Here is a leaflet. It has the rules of the conversation. No violence or rudeness, that sort of thing.”
“Thank you very much.” I concluded, and lead Ed and Sam to some chairs on the far side of the room. We skimmed over the leaflet and I whispered a plan.
“Right, we actually need the middle door so we need to move when the reception lady’s not looking. Then, we just hope that no-one tries to stop us before we reach the control room and I put our magic molecule into the machine.”
“How long are we gonna need to walk before we get to the thingy?” asked Ed.
“Not five minutes. Provided I remember the way...”
“Darnit Jack!” butted in Sam. “Do you know the way?!”
“...Yes.”
“Then let’s hear no more about it. Miss Reception has already gone for coffee or some shit, so let’s do this!”
After hiding my embarrassment that I’d missed that vitally important detail, I scooped the metallic container from my bag and crept silently through the room and across the threshold. Right into a white, featureless corridor that, apart from the doors, would make the early Doctor Who prop directors jealous. I took the lead, walking past doors a little more brisk than normal. I’d heard that if you act like you belong somewhere, you’re less likely to get caught out. Unless you open the wrong door. I’m a bloody genius.
“Who are you?” asked a confused looking elderly gentleman in a lab coat.
Think, Jack! Thinkthinkthink...
“...Delivery for Dr. Halsey.” I answered, holding out the wine-bottle sized cylinder.
...Shit.
“She’s in room eighty-three. Go out, turn right, and it’s third on your left.”
“Umm... thanks.”
I backed sheepishly out of the room wearing my best poker face and carried right on walking. Sam sidled up to me and whispered:
“You utter prat.”
“Thank you, thank you, I’m here all week.” I replied, sarcastically.
From then on, I triple checked every door and corridor with my memory. Until eventually...
“This one.”
“It’s locked.”
“I know.”
“We’re screwed.”
“I know.”
Sam picked the perfect moment to cut mine and Ed’s conversation in half with his hatchet. Right into the locking mechanism of the wooden door.
*BEEPBEEPBEEPBEEP*
Wonderful.
I charged the door and it swung inwards, red lights flashing inside. I whacked the container against a desk so the lid would fly off, the liquid nitrogen rapidly becoming a gas. After the smoke cleared, I grabbed the test tube containing my precious molecules and ran to the control booth while Sam and Ed held the door closed against the angry scientists. I looked hurriedly around the controls. Nothing seemed to want to work. I spotted a hole labelled ‘sample bottle’. “Yeah that might work.” I said to myself as I transferred my liquid into one of their special bottles. I jammed the flask into the opening as the head of a fire axe burst through the door, narrowly missing Ed. Sam took the moment to wrench the axe through the door to our side. I pulled a giant handle down and pressed some promising looking buttons. A computerised voice said:
“Sample accepted.”And I burst through the door.
“Come on lads, we’ve only got to hold the fort for ten minutes while the machine does its work!” I joined Sam and Ed, fitting the axe across the door frame like a sort of bar. I saw a heavy-looking metal filing cabinet on the adjacent wall. “Sam! Move that thing in front of the door!” I shouted, gesturing to the cabinet as I took his place against the tide of researchers on the other side of the door.
Sam quickly unscrewed the cabinet with his penknife and cast it aside as he shifted the metal weight towards the door, inch by painful inch. After about half a minute, he shouted:
“FUCK THIS!” He then did something to make every brony truly proud. He spun around, put his hands on the ground, and gave the cabinet a two-footed buck to the middle. “MOVE!” Ed and I dove either side of the door and the cabinet slammed down on the floor, blocking the bottom half of the door perfectly. We jumped on the fallen metal instantly to stop them breaking the top half of the door in. With Me, Sam and Ed holding the door and no fire axe, the boffins were helpless. Well, until the police arrived.
“Dudes... it’s ready. Let’s run!” I shouted. The machine had warmed up and ionised my molecules. As we fell with style down the metal stairs to the viewing room, I had my own little private sciencegasm thinking about this unique compound that I’d created, being accelerated to near-light-speeds and smashed together. Twilight would be proud.
Twilight.
I couldn’t wait.
Of course there was every possibility we’d get shot, arrested or something, but I am both stupid enough to believe in unproven theories and clever enough to know how to use them.
The computer’s voice sounded as we stopped in the viewing room.
“Collision in five, four, three, two, one...”
Blackness. Or maybe whiteness, I couldn’t tell. No vision, no hearing, no feeling... wait. There was something. Oh yeah, my ridiculously oversized bag crushing my torso as I lay face-down. I checked a few things. Breathing: good. Heartbeat: slow but there. Movement: none yet.
Great. I’d probably been thrown into the back of a police van and knocked out.
“Umm, hello?”
...
“Twi, that’s not working.”
...
*WHACK!*
“Dash! Don’t do that!”
“Uurgh... geddoffme.”
Sam. It was Sam. Sam! Ed! Switzerland! Finding... Equestria!
Boom. It all came back. I turned over and sat bolt upright. There we were, in the middle of a small crater, right in front of Ponyville library. An angry looking cyan pegasus zipped in front of my face.
“What are you and what are you doing here?”
“Umm, we come in peace...?”
“Not buyin’ it.”
I grabbed her by the shoulders.
“Look missy, we’ve been through quite a bit to get here. Just... Just let me lie down for a minute okay?”
I picked her up and put her on the ground. Then I took off my bag and used it as a pillow, while she just glared at me with a mixture of ‘startled’ and ‘annoyed’. It was then that I noticed the whole town was surrounding the four of us in the crater; us three humans and Rainbow Dash. I couldn’t blame them. It wasn’t every day three aliens popped into existence and then demanded to lie down. I spent a minute recovering my strength and looking around. I spied most of the Ponyville background ponies including Bon-bon, Vinyl, Colgate and Derpy. Five of the mane six were present, Fluttershy probably scared off, and the local Apples were there too.
There he was. The only pony who I thought could help.
“You there! Brown Stallion!” I pointed.
“M...me?” Yes, he was the one. Sounded exactly like Matt Smith.
“Could you come down here a sec, please?” He stood his ground.
“Why are you here?” He asked, confidently.
“I shall answer you in time. You are Doctor Whooves, yes?” The crowd murmured and whispered to each other:
“He knows them?”
“Does this mean they’re safe?”
“I still have doubts...”
Doctor Whooves walked towards me slowly, taking his time to get a good look at me and my semi-conscious companions. When he got sufficiently close, he asked:
“How do you know my name?”
“There’ll be time for that later; I understand that you are familiar with inter-dimensional travel?”
“...Yes, what of it?”
“Well, my friends and I just managed it and I was wondering if you know of any side effects we should be aware of.”
“Hmm... Let’s try this.” He pulled out the sonic screwdriver with his hoof and pointed it at me, varying its pitch and frequency. He pulled it up to his eye and the top opened up. He looked into the green crystal at its tip. “Well well... look at you!” He said with glee in his voice. “This won’t hurt a bit.” His smile was un-nerving to say the least. Once again, he pointed the screwdriver at me and buzzed it.
Man, I was tired.
In ten seconds flat, I was unconscious on the floor again, but not before Rainbow Dash came back out of her stunned state and exclaimed:
“What the hay?!”
Couldn’t have put it better myself.
(A/N: This chapter hasn't been proofread, so feel free to point out any mistakes you see.)
...
......
... “JESUS FUCKING CHRIST I HAVE WINGS!”
Boom. I woke up and tried to jump to my feet. It didn’t work. Taking in my surroundings, I found myself chained down like a starfish to a rough bed staring up at a stone ceiling. Also, I was naked except for my underwear. Oh the irony. Despite actually making it to Equestria, we’d still managed to get arrested. Curse you Discord!
“Ed, what are you talking abou... oh.”
“Sam, what is it? He doesn’t actually have wings does he?”
“See for yourself.” Sam replied.
I tried to look up, only to realise my head was fixed in place too.
“Dude I can’t, they’ve chained me down completely. Even my head!”
“Fine. I’ll tell you about Ed. Two bloody great feathery wings burst out of his back when he tried to run at the door to his cell. Too bad his left leg is chained to the wall.”
“If you think that’s weird, Sam’s turned into an actual Earth Pony.” said Ed, idly, as he stroked his own wings.
“I have not... HOLY TROMBONE ON A POGO STICK! GET ME BACK! GET ME BACK NOW!”
I could only listen as Sam freaked out; rattling the chains that I could only assume kept him from reaching the door of his cell. The noise died down.
“Hands... My beautiful hands! Let me hold you...”
“Ed, is he back?”
“Yep.”
After listening to Sam marvelling at his human form returned, I spoke up.
“Sam?”
“Yeah?”
“How did you change form?”
“...I just wanted and tried to be human again?”
“Really? That cheesy?”
“I know it sounds cheesy, but that’s it.”
I was about to try and turn myself into a pony, but first, another interruption:
“Hello there, ex-humans! Good to see you’re finally all awake.”
“E-e-ex humans?!” I spluttered.
“Yep. Different universe, different rules. Now you’re a completely new creature! One that no-one has ever seen the likes of before! Isn’t that great?”
“Who are you?!” demanded Ed and Sam simultaneously.
“Your friend here knew me well enough, I am Doctor Whooves.”
I sighed with relief. “Oh thank Luna; can you get us out of here?”
“Get you out?” I put you in!”
“Not cool.” said Sam. “We’re not criminals, why’d you put us in prison?”
Our captor laughed before saying: “You’re not in the dungeons, you’re in the TARDIS. I just had to get a look at you before introducing you to the authorities.”
“So... What are we now?” I asked, tentatively. I wasn’t sure I really wanted to know.
“You are a sort of... combination... between a human and an Equestrian. My best guess is that your version of reality doesn’t have as much magic as ours, to the ambient magic in our universe gave you some. Mr. Wings here...”
“My name is Ed.”
“...Mr. Ed here is now a half-Pegasus!”
“...This. Is. AWESOME!”
“You there on the floor...
“Sam”
“Sam, is now an... Earth Human... I suppose...”
“So what does that mean?”
“It means, my dear Sam, that when you want to be, you can be three times your usual strength.”
“HA! Those bitches from Llandaff Rugby Club won’t know what hit ‘em!”
“...and finally you.”
“What? Am I now a Unicorn-Man or something?” I said, in a sarcastic tone, still believing they were having me on.
“...Yes.”
I struggled to comprehend. I could use magic?! I’d dreamed of coming to Equestria, but this was something else. Something far beyond my wildest dreams. Just think! The possibilities were endless! Back on Earth, this could revolutionise the study of science and the universe! But above all, I wanted to meet Twilight even more. Not only could I give her brain a workout with all the learning I’d done back on Earth, but in turn, I could learn magic from the best! I could... I could... I didn’t know. This hadn’t even crossed my mind before.
“Haha! From the look on your face, you can’t wait to get learning! I like that.” said an enthusiastic Doctor Whooves. “But just to be on the safe side, there’s an inhibitor ring on your horn for now. I’m sure you understand.”
I put myself in the Doctor’s hooves. Random alien with a horn appears into town, of course you’d put an inhibitor ring on it.
“I understand.”
“Good. Now, I did most of the tests whist you were all unconscious...”
“What?! What did you do?”
“Be calm! Be calm! Just full-body examinations, a blood and tissue sample, and some measurements are all...”
Sam and Ed began to rant something about dignity and privacy, I called the Doctor over.
“So... What happens now?”
“I bring you and your luggage to Day Court where we can meet Princess Celestia, who will choose what happens to you next. I’d suggest you all take a leaf out of your friend Sam’s book, and use your newfound abilities to become Equestrians. Just for this.”
I heard a noise upstairs, and a green light swelled and dimmed. Sam and Ed had already stopped yelling and were listening to the Doctor and I, Sam already back to his deep red Earth Pony form
“Hmm, I wasn’t expecting a letter. You all try and transform while I go read it... Well done Sam.”
Our host wandered off.
“...So you just... try and transform, is it?”
“Yep.”
“Here goes...” said Ed, his face screwed up in concentration. I wished the Doctor had removed the inhibitor ring so I could watch.
“Yes!” exclaimed Ed. “I’m sexy and I know it!”
“What does he look like, Sam?” I asked.”
“Scrawny yellow Pegasus.”
“Knew it.”
“...Damn! These chains changed with me!” reported Ed, sadly.
“Well, I’m more confident now. I was worried my chains would stretch me.” I said as I... well... tried to become a Unicorn. Several weird-feeling seconds later, I felt transformed. I tried wiggling my fingers. ‘What fingers?’ my body replied. Good. It worked.
“How do I look?”
“Well you’re blue.” answered Ed.
“Am I still ginger?”
“Head and tail.”
“Good. Cutie mark?”
“None.”
“Aw crap.”
“...I don’t have one either!” shouted Sam in disbelief.
“Haha! You all suck! I got a... shit I don’t have one either!” bellowed Ed in embarrassment.
“Hey guys!” I said. “Let’s join the Cutie Mark Crusaders!”
We all had a good laugh joking about what each other’s cutie marks could be, when the stallion with the hourglass cutie mark walked back in, and sighed.
“Nopony’s cutie mark is going to be a penis.” He informed us, sarcastically.
“But what if it’s my... special talent?” asked Ed, in a seductive voice.
“Don’t worry. I understand that there’s ancient magicks in place that prevent a pony’s cutie mark from being inappropriate.”
“But I’m not a pony.”
“I still don’t think it’ll be... that.”
“ANYWAY...” I interrupted. “When are we seeing Her Holy Majesterious Princess Celestia?”
“There’s been a slight change of plan.” replied the Doctor. “We’re arriving after Day Court.” He explained as he unchained Ed and Sam. “Because the Princess says she wants to have rather a long discussion with us.” He arrived at me and said: “It’s just a formality, but I’m afraid I’m going to have to leave the inhibitor ring on you. It’ll attach under your chin, totally painless.”
“Go ahead.” I sighed. It wasn’t as if I had a choice.
After standing up, I was able to take in the appearance of my ponified friends. Ed was indeed a scrawny yellow Pegasus, but still slightly taller than me. He’d kept his straight blonde hair, and it mirrored in his tail, which was straight and down to his knees. There was also a lighter stripe running through it, and his mane stood outwards instead of falling down. His light blue eyes stood out like aquamarines. Sam on the other hand, was still hugely muscular and tall. He may have been able to give Big Macintosh a run for his money, although Sam was a much darker shade of red than the apple farmer. His deep brown hair and eyes had been retained, and his preferred short hairstyle also showed in his tail, which only just covered the top of his legs. I looked back over my body. I was indeed blue, but a deep blue. Kind of like looking at a deep, calm ocean in the tropics back home. I didn’t need to ask about my hair, it was still long enough for me to see its flowing dark ginger curls bouncing around my shoulders. My tail was also the same shade, and took on the chaotic curliness of my... mane; I guess I should call it now. And, as promised, all three of us were blank-flanks. Not suspicious at all for stallions in their late teens...
We gaped in awe of the interior of the PonyTARDIS (as we had so lovingly dubbed it) and how it was so similar to the TARDIS we knew and loved from the TV series back home. The only difference I could spot was that the controls, railings and chairs were slightly lower down. Doctor Whooves punched some buttons, pulled down a leaver like a tractors handbrake, and the great machine screeched to a halt. I had to calm myself. We’d just done a trip in the ACTUAL TARDIS! The Whovians back home would kill for this kind of opportunity, and here I was, just experiencing it by sheer luck!
I removed myself from the fangasm, and followed the other three ponies to the door.
With a familiar creak, the blue doors swung open to reveal a room full of Royal Guards, along with both Princesses, in all their stunning glory.
“Doctor Whooves! It’s been a while.” Started Princess Celestia.
“Maybe For you, my dear, but I saw you not six hours ago, and fourteen years into the future!”
“Is the future bright in fourteen years?”
“Not really, we met at night-time.”
Celestia knew that the Doctor couldn’t tell her anything about the future, so the Princesses and the Earth Pony Time Lord shared a friendly laugh. I guessed they knew each other better than the show let on, which makes sense seeing as all three are pretty much immortal.
“So these are the three stallions we’ve heard so much about?” asked Luna, eyeing us suspiciously. “They do not seem to have gained a cutie mark, which should have happened for them over seven years ago.”
“Let us not be so quick to judge, sister. I would hear their part of the story.” Celestia looked at me directly. “Why is it that you three came to our fair land?”
I eyed the guards, wondering if they’d tell anypony about us...
“Don’t be afraid, our noble guardsponies are sworn to secrecy concerning the goings-on in the palace.”
I perked up, feeling strangely relaxed in the company of Royalty.
“Who wouldn’t want to come to Equestria?! It’s so much more friendly and interesting that our home ever was.”
“And where, may I ask, is your home?”
“We come from a planet called Earth in the Orion Arm of the Milky Way galaxy. Have you heard of it?”
Luna took over from her sister.
“The galaxy you speak of is not in the night sky. Perhaps you could point it out to us?”
Doctor Whooves, in turn, took over from me.
“I’m afraid, Princess Luna, that that is quite impossible. These three have arrived from a different universe altogether. A different dimension! Even my TARDIS can only just manage that if I quintuple her power!” He said, with an excited grin wrapped around his light brown face. Celestia and Luna were less enthusiastic.
“Then how, pray tell, did they manage it?” asked Luna, pointing her hoof at us.
Doctor Whooves was stumped. He turned to look at us with a mixture of confusion and admiration. He’d been so preoccupied with the arrival of a new alien species that even his TARDIS computer didn’t recognise, that he’d forgotten to find out how they’d even arrived.
“I second that question.” He stated, gazing expectantly at me.
“Do you want the long version or the short version?” I asked, knowing the answer.
“The long version please.” said Celestia, her eyes as curious as the Doctor’s. Yes! I would be able to make yet another corny, yet funny reference! I cleared my throat.
“A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away...” I began, in my serious storytelling voice.
I turned, grinning, at Ed and Sam. They were already in helpless peals of laughter on the floor. Sam was rolling around whilst Ed lay upside down, flapping his wings. They almost cried.
“Only you, Jack. Only you.” wept Sam, as he rose to his hooves.
Celestia, Luna and the Doctor just wore confused looks, and glanced at each other.
“I’m guessing that is some sort of ‘inside joke’ to you ponies. Now please continue with the tale.” demanded Luna, with such a serious face that we were silenced, and I sheepishly continued.
“Back on my home planet of Earth, a machine was invented that could accelerate molecules to nearly the speed of light...”
“Light has a speed?!” Celestia asked, showing extreme surprise. I paused, wondering why this wasn’t known to a Goddess of the friggin’ sun. You know, the entire object behind the discovery of the speed of light.
“I obtained this knowledge whilst playing guest to my sister on the moon.” said Luna. She turned to the white monarch. “Celestia, I would speak to you further after we finish here.”
“Very well, Luna, It seems you still owe me a lot of catching up time. Carry on, young Unicorn.”
“Ahem, about that... You see... We’re not actually ponies. Would you like us to change back to our original forms? Also, before you ask, we aren’t Changelings either.”
“Oh yes please!” replied the Doctor and Luna.
“...Very well.” said Celestia. She showed a bit more restraint than the other two quizmasters. I should ask her about that some other time... I turned back to face my friends.
“Right then lads, bring out the goods. And eyes off my package!”
The princesses both facehoofed as the Doctor let out a small giggle. We concentrated on our previous forms and, with eyes tight shut, morphed back into humans and stood up.
“Oh my goodness!” exclaimed Luna.
“That’s... interesting.” responded Celestia.
I opened my eyes to see Celestia with narrowed eyes and a hoof at her chin, whilst Luna stared openly, her mouth agape. Doctor Whooves trotted over to Celestia and began a conversation:
“I’d compare them to diamond dogs, or maybe bears.”
“Hmm... I’d say they’re more like minotaurs. They don’t have fur.”
“I see what you mean, yet there are no horns.”
Ed chose this as the perfect time for some input:
“I’ve got a horn right here for either of ya...”
“SHUT UP ED!” I yelled, whilst Sam gave in to roaring laughter. “Your brain is up HERE...” I rapped his head with my knuckles. “NOT down HERE!” I bellowed, delivering an earth-shattering punch to his Prized Possessions. He let out a faint squeak and dropped to the floor, writhing in pain, and clutching his Family Jewels.
“Oh Sweet Mother of All Things Gracious! I think you’ve popped one!” Ed said, in a temporary ‘I’ve Been Slammed in the Phutooeys’ slightly higher pitched voice, as tears leaked from his eyes. Sam, meanwhile, was crying for a totally different reason. He punched the tiled floor repeatedly muttering:
“No... no more! I just can’t!” through his laughter. Celestia and the Doctor were doing well concealing their amusement; being aware of the ‘righteousness’ of my justice. Luna looked horrified.
“Wait... Ed? Where are your wings?” I asked.
“What...? Aw crap!” He stood up, scratching his back hurriedly. “No... no... come back! Wings I need you!”
“Calm down, you haven’t even flown yet.”
*POOF*
With a feathery whooshing sound, his wings once again burst forth. My brain clicked, and I felt my forehead. My smooth, hornless forehead. Damn. I focused on my horn, willing it to re-appear. (ALL of the cheesiness!) But I wasn’t expecting the feeling of it happening. As my horn slid out of my head, it was like having a hole drilled through my skull. Only painless. Still felt weird though. I crossed my eyes for a second, as a reflex, while my head underwent this drastic change. I felt the bony new addition to my anatomy with my hands. Its twenty centimetre length protruded from my hairline, and I could fit my thumb and forefinger roughly two thirds around the base. It spiralled in a clockwise direction and was tipped with a slightly blunted spike. I looked in a mirror on the wall, and was a bit unnerved when I noticed that my horn was the eerie white colour of bone. This thing was actually part of my skull! Hang on... The inhibitor ring had fallen off when I’d had no horn! There it was, the ring and its straps lay in a tangled heap at my feet. I stepped toward the Princesses and the Doctor, hiding it behind my feet. You never know when an inhibitor ring might come in handy... (Insert evil laugh here!)
“Um... excuse me, would it be possible to at least get some shorts or something to wear?” I asked meekly.
“Yes!” replied the Time Lord. “I’ll get your clothes now, back in a tick.” He trotted back to the TARDIS where I guessed our clothes were. Luna began to talk.
“I... umm... what?... I don’t even...” She spluttered. “You have some explaining to do, aliens!” She pointed at us with her hoof. “What are you?!”
“We are known as ‘humans’ Your Highness.” I replied, in the most graciously sarcastic tone I could, with a bow.
“Where are you from?!”
“A planet called Earth in a different universe, Your Highness.” Same tone. Celestia was giggling nervously at her sister behind her back. Luna probably hadn’t gotten used to the whole ‘tone of voice’ part of conversation yet. I glanced around at the guards. None of them had moved a muscle since we’d walked in! They seemed to be very well trained.
“In order to believe that, I am going to have to scan your memories.” Luna demanded.
“Yes Your Highne... What? No! These are my memories!” I dropped the tone. The very thought of what could happen if anypony knew about Earth was terrifying. How would they react if they found out that their universe occurred in our televisions? They might think it to be a declaration of war! And the fanfics... Oh shit, the fanfics I’ve read would send her over the edge... Not to mention the ‘activities’ I’d got up to with my ex girlfriend in the past. No. There was no way that she was EVER getting into my head.
“Here’s your gear! I brought out your luggage too, just in case...” The Doctor was cut short when Princess Luna levitated the trolley he was pushing, and grinned at me, knowing she’d won.
“That’s a very nice collection of luggage you have there. It would be a shame if something were to... happen to it.” and as she said ‘happen to it’, she slowly moved the trolley over to a fire that magically burst into life in front of her. I had to admit it. She’d won this time.
“Okay, I submit. But only because I brought my most valuable possession with me, and it’s in that trolley. However, I will not be held responsible for your sanity.”
Luna set the gear down behind her.
“In what way could my sanity be damaged by your mind, young human?” she asked, now very suspicious.
“I don’t know how different our worlds are. I’m worried that the circumstances of my discovery of this universe may be somewhat unorthodox and demeaning. Also, there are many concepts in my world that I have found no evidence of here...”
“I am sorry to interrupt, but there will be no getting out of this if you wish to leave the castle again. Now hold still...”
She levitated me. I felt weightless in the air as the dark Alicorn floated me towards her horn. I couldn’t let her in! I struggled against it, trying in vain to swim through the air, use my own magic, nothing worked. I looked back at Sam and Ed. They too were encompassed in a light blue aura from Luna’s horn. Probably to keep them from helping me. The Princess of the Night lowered her horn at my forehead as I squeezed my eyes shut for the inevitable banishment to Tartarus...
“Sister, wait.”
Oh thank all things great and glorious!
“Allow me; I have a greater experience of the social aspects of the modern world. I believe I will be able to handle this better.”
Holy. Fucking. Shit. I began to float toward Celestia’s horn, this time gripped in a bright yellow glow. My completely frozen form glided over to her curious face. I hoped she wasn’t too curious. Her horn touched my forehead in a flash of bright white light.
I stood next to Princess Celestia inside the confines of my own mind.
‘Where am I?’ I asked her, wearily.
‘You are inside your memories. From this part of your brain, we can access everything your brain has stored. Sights, sounds, feelings, it’s all here.’ She explained. For some reason, I had to instantly believe her. It sounded like she was talking, yet her mouth didn’t even move! She noticed my puzzlement and rectified it for me.
‘We are inside your mind, so we speak with our thoughts. What would you like me to see first?’
‘What about how your universe is known in mine? I’ll just tell it to you straight: it’s a television show for children.’
‘I do not know this “television” of which you speak, but as you wish, we will view this memory first.’
The memory began. I sat down with my cousins to keep them from under my Auntie’s feet. They were great girls, all three. The oldest was seven and there was a two year gap between them. Maria, the five-year-old, chose the video that we’d be watching for the next two hours. She pulled out a large plastic VCR case from the shelf, opened it, and slid the first tape into the TV.
~My Little Pony~
~My Little Pony~
~Naa Naa Naa Naa Naaaaaa...~
Really?! I’d hoped they’d pick something at least half-decent for a kid; like Toy Story or something, but this? It didn’t even try to pretend to be mature in any way! Seriously, who’d want to watch a show about magical multi-coloured ponies? Meh, may as well try and enjoy myself...
‘But... but that’s our world! In that small box! There’s Twilight! ...Is that really what I look like from the side?’
‘Princess?! This really isn’t the time to be thinking about... stop laughing at me!’
‘Be calm, I was just having a little joke. I accept the circumstances of your discovery of our world, and I am grateful of them. I can now be certain that you offer us no malicious intent.’
‘You’ve got a good head on your shoulders; I was worried about what you’d think.’
‘When you’ve had thousands of years to mature, you think about as many sides of an argument as you can. This is why I took over from my sister; she tends to jump to conclusions more readily than I do.’
‘Thousands of years eh? So how old are you?’ Celestia looked taken aback.
‘A stallion never asks a mare her age! You should know that, it’s basic courtesy!’
I had to pull a save out of the bag. I decided on a basic LADs phrase:
‘Well, I’d never of thought you were that old with a complexion as beautiful as yours.’
Celestia giggled.
‘I thank you kindly, but I knew you didn’t mean to ask my age in that way.’
‘Shall we carry on, before I say something else stupid?’
‘That wasn’t stupid; many of my little ponies are genuinely curious about my age. But I think you’re done here now, I’ve stored your memories in a gem so I can view them later. I assure you, I will keep them safe.’
We exited my head and returned to reality. As for my memories, I guessed that there wasn’t much better protection than that of a Sun Goddess. I flicked through them. All were present and correct, she must have copied them.
I was lowered to the ground and clothed in what I arrived in by Celestia’s magic. I noticed Sam and Ed undergoing the same fate. Lastly, they would inspect our bags and after that we’d hopefully be on the next train to Ponyville for the biggest damn party Pinkie could throw! And I could get to quizzing Twilight about how this world worked, as she would probably do the same to me when I told her my origins and made her Pinkie Promise not to mention it to anyone or anything. Also, memories stored in a gem? I’d have to research how that worked...
Ed’s bag was opened first, and all its contents arranged itself on full display, thanks to Celestia’s telekinesis spell. Most of it was pretty standard camping equipment; pots, pans, half a tent etc. He did have to explain a rather extensive collection of knives and he did have all of our arrows stashed away, so we bailed him out and said that ‘they were for construction and recreational purposes’ which earned a giggle from Celestia and a suspicious glare from Luna. He’d also packed most of his wardrobe; obviously not remembering that a certain mare named ‘Rarity’ lived in Ponyville and made clothes. After looking few a couple of bags of leftover food and basic survival gear, the Princesses approved his baggage and packed it all up again. Sam’s bag was also approved; only containing survival gear, his hatchet, a couple of changes of clothes, the rest of the tent, and some personal items. They were fascinated by the phone and iPod. Sam allowed them to borrow the iPod for examination so long as he got it back soon-ish. His bag also contained the remainder of the alcohol, but the Princesses just assumed it was a normal drink and passed over it without comment. Lastly, the royal duo rounded on my luggage.
“So tell me, what is this ‘most valuable possession’ you spoke of?” asked Luna. “Is it a family heirloom? An enchanted piece of jewellery? Maybe a weapon?”
“It’s a work in progress. I’m making a musical instrument, actually, so drop the suspicious act please, it’s getting annoying.”
RCV ACTIVATE
“THAT IS NO WAY TO ADDRESS ROYALTY! WE HAVE EVERY RIGHT TO BE SUSPICIOUS OF STRANCE NEWCOMERS TO OUR KINGDOM!”
“Sister...”
“WE DO NOT WANT TO RISK THE SAFETY OF THE PONIES WHO TRUST US TO PROTECT THEM...”
“Sister please!”
RCV DEACTIVATE
“...We apologise, Celestia, but we did think him rude, arrogant, and un-empathetic towards our duties towards our subjects.”
“I can only agree. But do you think it would be more appropriate just to tell him that than shout at him?”
“Ah yes, I remember now, you said that the Royal Canterlot Voice causes ponies to become too scared to remember what they heard.”
“Yes, sister. But that doesn’t happen all the time, just most of the time.” She turned to face me and took a breath to attempt to tell me off, but I cut in, in my ‘mature adult’ mode after I’d recovered from the RCV to the face.
“I realise that what I said was inappropriate and I shall do my best to avoid it in future.”
“Thank you, young one.” said Luna to me, staying calm and trying to be more like her sister. “Please ensure that you do. Now, let us review the otherworldly contents of your belongings.”
The possessions I’d decided to bring were spread out on the floor. I immediately noticed three problems:
One – My unfinished instrument would take a while to explain.
Two – I probably wouldn’t be able to wear my belt in Equestria.
Three – There were still some fox organs in my bag that I’d forgotten about.
Sam and Ed noticed point three, and facepalmed while I looked nervously at the offending items.
“What on Terra is this?!” asked Celestia, levitating the tangled wires and bits of guitar and keyboard.
“That is my unfinished instrument. I started making it back on Earth and brought it along so I could complete it.”
“Very well... Is this some sort of belt?”
“Yes, it has a lot of useful items on it. Some are dangerous but all have helped me to survive in the past.” It was a slight exaggeration, but it worked. They’d approved my belt after I’d promised on pain of a Moon Banishment that if I used any part of it to harm anypony unless in a self-preservation act.
“And these had better not be what I think they are.” said Luna, levitating the fox’s lungs, intestines and stomach to her eye level. “Are these internal organs?”
“No! No, of course not! ...Yes. Yes they are.”
“Why do you have the stomach, lungs, and intestines of what appears to be a small mammal?” asked Celestia, looking slightly disgusted.
“Umm...” I started, nervously. “What if I told you that we’re omnivores?”
“Then I would accept your species having a different diet to ours, and remind you that the consumption of meat in Equestria is banned for ponies. I would heavily advise against it whilst you live here.” she said, incinerating the goods. They’d managed to either miss the tablet computer and 3DS, along with other technological marvels among the stack of books I’d also brought, or they deemed them too unimportant to quiz me about.
“I understand, Princess. It is possible for us to not eat meat... wait... Did you say live here?”
“Indeed I did, my little humans. I shall send a letter to Twilight this evening to let her know that a Pegasus, an Earth Pony, and a Unicorn are coming to live in Ponyville and require temporary accommodation until their new homes are built.”
“I... you’re giving us houses too?! I don’t know what to say...”
Sam stepped forward.
“Start with ‘thanks’, you ungrateful git.” he said, jokingly, and elbowed my arm. He then addressed the royal pair in front of him. “On behalf of my dumbstruck friend and Mr. Vacant over there, I would like to thank both of you. So I will: Thank you both.” He gave a bow and stepped back.
“Why would you do this for three strangers you don’t even know?” I asked.
“I saw and felt more of you than you know when I entered your mind.” began Celestia, “Had you been dangerous, we would have sent you back to your own dimension with the help of Doctor Whooves here. Besides, having you here will greatly increase the learning of both us and my student, along with her friends.”
“We return your thanks, young human, and hope that we do not regret allowing you hospitality in our fair country.” said Luna, and gestured to the TARDIS. “Go now, and arrive in Ponyville tomorrow afternoon. Please make sure you are in your equine forms and do not change.”
“Very well, Luna. And thanks! I’ll keep an eye on them. Or two if I can spare them.” said Doctor Whooves, cheerily, and lead the two of us back into the TARDIS. I punched Ed on the shoulder to wake him from his daydream, or stupor, and he followed.
“Whassappenin’?!” he exclaimed, surprised.
“We’re moving to Ponyville.” I deadpanned.
“Sweet.” he commented, as he shut the TARDIS door behind him.
Why did I feel that the princesses were eventually going to ask us for something in the future, and use their generosity now as leverage?
“Well isn’t this exciting!” grinned the Doctor, rubbing his forehooves together before doing some TARDIS-y stuff with the controls. “You get to live your dream, and I get to be friends with three extra-dimensional beings who have adapted to our universe! It’ll be great watching you all learn how to use your newfound talents; I wonder what your cutie marks will be... Speaking of which, you’ll all need to transform into ponies. Come on now, get out of those clothes. We’ll be at tomorrow afternoon in about two minutes!”
“This is confusing...”
“Ed, just shut up and strip.”
“Fine.”
All successfully ponified, we departed the TARDIS into the outskirts of Ponyville. We’d adjusted our bags to fit our new forms, and tied the hold-alls to the sides, so we were all good to go. When the blue doors closed behind us, The Doctor pointed his sonic screwdriver, and the TARDIS became invisible.
“Handy little trick, that.” commented our guide, as he pocketed his device in his jacket. “Stops just any random pony blundering into it.”
About two minutes after our arrival, we spotted the picturesque houses and trees of Ponyville. When the roads came into view, and bright splodges of colour were walking or trotting around, we noticed a familiar pink colour stop, then canter towards us as fast as it could.
“Brace yourselves, lads.” I whispered.
“No need to warn us, we’ve all seen this before.”
“HelloImPinkiePieandIhaventseenanyofyoubeforeareyounewhereareyoumovinginbecausethatwouldbesuperspecialawesomeandevenifyourenotwecanstillhaveapartytowelcomeyoutoPonyville!”
“Excuse me what?” asked Ed, dumbstruck, with his mouth wide open.
“I know how you feel.” I said to him. Sam, however, did something that none of us expected. He understood Pinkie Pie.
“No I don’t suppose you have... and yes, we are moving in and a party would be the best thing ever.”
Pinkie’s smile shot out so far around her face, we thought it would fall off.
“OHMYGOSHyourethefirstponyEVERtogetwhatImsayingyaknowwhatImsaying?”
“Actually yes I do. Could you please show us around Ponyville? We’ve never been before.”
“Okie dokie lokie!”
“Maybe slow down a bit for these guys though, yeah?”
“Okie dokie lokie!”
The overexcited pink Earth Pony started walking towards Ponyville with us, hoping and jumping in her enthusiasm.
“Come oooon! There’s so much I want to show you, this is gonna be GREAT!”
“Relax, Pinkie, we’ve got loads of time.” said Ed, not realising that this wouldn’t work on somepony as hyper as Miss Pie.
“But nopony can wait to meet you all! If anypony sees you, they’ll want to know more about you. I’m not just showing you places, silly, I’m introducing you to everypony!”
Man, it was going to be a long time before I got to sleep. And the explanations would be killer! How many ponies in their late teens don’t have cutie marks?
