A Tale of Two Lunas

Chapters

Dumbledore's Office
Crumple-Horned Snorkacks
A Letter from Canterlot
Nightmares
Discord
Christmas at Grimmauld Place
Lyra
Snape's Dreams
Portals and Pinkie Pie
Spellbooks
Magic Stick
Quidditch
Our Only Hope
O.W.L.s
Deus Ex Lapide
The Department of Mysteries
The Return Home
Epilogue
A Disturbance in Ravenclaw Tower
The Princess and the Potter
Professor Luna
The Canterlot Dungeons

Dumbledore's Office

NOTE: I'll be alternating characters between chapters. Don't worry. I haven't forgotten Lovegood.

It was slated to be a normal Tuesday at Hogwarts Castle, but something was amiss. Morning classes had been cancelled. The students enjoyed their sudden break, while some discussed why exactly Dumbledore would decide to hold a meeting with all of the teachers in his office. Only the Ravenclaw girls had some insight as to the true reason for today’s disturbance, but they said they had been told by Professor Flitwick to discuss nothing. It wasn’t until lunch that anyone commented on the sudden absence of one Luna Lovegood.

“No offense, Professor,” the Princess of the Night said to the Headmaster, surrounded by a cavalcade of strangers in all manner of dress, “but it feels a bit like I am being interrogated”.
“Nonsense,” Dumbledore responded, “I merely felt it necessary to invite the staff to our little meeting” he said, smiling in a way which made one feel as if it’s all going to be all right. Still, she was a bit hesitant. “So, what you’re saying,” she said, “is this is a school for.. wizards, as you call them?”

“Exactly. Hogwarts is an ancient institution, founded over five hundred years ago by four great wizards. It–” He was rudely interrupted by a female wizard to his left. Luna knew nothing of this world’s customs or fashion, but couldn’t help inferring that, in any universe, she must be extremely ugly.

“Professor Dumbledore, it would be best if we… skipped over the entire history of Hogwarts School. Now– for the main point of this meeting;” she turned a hideously inquisitive pair of brown eyes towards the alicorn, who slightly staggered back in disgust. “Why, exactly, are you here, Miss Luna?” she said, in a not too friendly voice; “Why have you come to Hogwarts?”

“As I have said countless times,” she retorted, “I have no idea how or why I came here, I just–” The ugly one interrupted again.

“Just what, decided to forcibly enter this school, and endanger the lives of all of our students?”

“Er, Professor Umbridge–” interjected Dumbledore, “She has answered your question, and I believe that will do. As to any threat she may pose, I believe Professor Hagrid can affirm to the fact that unicorns are not violent creatures” he said, gesturing towards the large man on the far right, whose beard was the only one Luna had ever seen to rival that of the great unicorn Starswirl of Canterlot.

“Yeh’re correct,” he said, his words barely discernible through his thick accent. “unicorns ‘re peaceful creatures, but, I done never seen one that could talk like this ‘un!” he said, chuckling. Luna half-smiled.

“I belief his testimony is enough, Professor Umbridge?” Dumbledore said, turning back to the ghastly mass of pink that at one point may have been a human being.

“Yes, as Professor (said in a repugnant voice) Hagrid has said, ordinary unicorns are harmless, but, I think you will agree with me when I say that she is no ordinary unicorn. For all we know, she could be some sort of dangerous half-breed”.

Luna had now decided that, upon her return, she would find a nice place for Dolores Umbridge in a tidy little corner of the lowest level of the Canterlot dungeons. “I would watch your words, Dolores;” Dumbledore said, “For, I believe we are in the presence of royalty”. Luna raised her head proudly.

“Now, Your Majesty–” Dumbledore asked, in the most respectful voice possible. “You may call me Luna” she said. She found it embarrassing whenever anyone addressed her as Your Majesty. “You say that you just went to sleep, and then you had a strange dream, and then you awoke here?”

“That’s correct.”

“Tell me, what exactly was this strange dream?”

“I– I can’t remember, honestly.”

“Interesting. And, do you know anything of the student whose bed you occupied? Luna Lovegood?”

“I don’t. Although, the fact that we share a name may not be entirely coincidental.”

“Hm. Interesting, quite interesting indeed. Now I believe, unless my colleagues have anything else to add, this meeting is very much finished. Until we find a solution to your conundrum, I believe it would be best for you to stay here, within the castle. There is a room on the seventh floor which can be easily set up to accompany you. I will inform Argus Filch, our caretaker.” “Thank you very much, Professor. It is nice to know that there are some here–” she said, giving Umbridge the eye, “that are welcoming to a lost stranger.” Dumbledore nodded, smirking gaily at her quip. “However, I have one request, if you would be so kind as to grant it.”

“Anything you wish, your m–, er, Luna” he said, still smiling.

“It would be interesting if I could observe some of the classes here at your fine school, as a study of the magic taught here, in comparison to that which is taught at the Canterlot Academy, as a purely scientific study, as ‘twir.”
“I could not agree more. Unless any of our instructors has any objections–” he said, looking around the room. Umbridge was giving her the death glance. The short one from the dormitory looked absolutely delighted. The tall one with the long black hair sighed sullenly, but gave no protest. Dumbledore looked at Luna and smiled. She smiled back, and slowly began to make her way towards the staircase that led to the exit.

“One more thing, Luna?” said the Headmaster as she was almost out of sight.

“Yes, Professor?”

“Try not to scare any of the students.”

Princess Luna smiled a bit malevolently, and was gone.

Crumple-Horned Snorkacks

WHUMF.

The familiar sound of paper hitting table was all too familiar for Princess Celestia. At some point during her reign, her royal duties, apart from raising the sun each morning and lowering it each night, had somehow shifted from warring against barbaric tribes of griffins from the north and executing traitors in the public square of Canterlot to the more mundane tasks of reading, revising, drafting, approving, and signing all manner of bills, official documents, affidavits, royal pardons, et cetera. As the stack of five-hundred-plus papers for the day made contact with her desk, she couldn’t help being nostalgic for the days when Equestria was governed not by a pen, but by longsword. The calamity of yesterday did not help her suffering.

She couldn’t help think that solving the mysterious disappearance of her sister, the Princess of the Night, ranked somewhere above a petty trade treaty with Coltnada. The duty of controlling the moon was no problem, she’d already done it for centuries in her sister’s absence, however, the biarchal government couldn’t survive long with only one of its leaders present. Also, Luna was always pretty fun to have around. And then there was…..
….her.

She really defied all explanation. Celestia had heard of humans before, but she had never heard of any acting quite so….. strange. When the princess had tried to get any information out of her, she only kept going on about something called a ‘crumple-horned snorkack’, whatever that was. The only useful intel Celestia had been able to coax out of her was that her name was Luna Lovegood, that she had no idea how she suddenly appeared in the chambers of her sister, and that she attended some sort of school of magic. Celestia had been slightly confused how anyone without a horn could perform any sort of magic, but the girl seemed to be able to do it with the help of some sort of stick. Utterly confused by almost every word she said, Celestia had let the girl roam the castle while she got down to business, as she seemed like no immediate threat to the safety of Equestria, nor any help in the investigation of Luna’s disappearance.

At that moment, the light-haired girl was roaming the Canterlot Gardens. She was still wearing her school robes, as they were the only clothes she had in this universe. She also wore a pair of spectrespecs, golden glasses in the shape of two hands, with pink and blue lenses. Luna always carried a copy of the Quibbler, the wizard tabloid published by her father, Xenophilius Lovegood. She believed the Quibbler like a scripture, even though most of its articles were of dubious factuality. Currently, she was searching for said crumple-horned snorkacks, wrackspurts, grindlemoogs, or any other sort of elusive magical creature. She suddenly looked up from the Quibbler (Held upside-down) to get a better view at a certain statue. This statue was very interesting to Luna. It detailed a very odd creature, with the head of a horse, the horns of a deer and gazelle, and long, feathered and serpent-like body. Its limbs were mismatched, having a lion’s paw, an eagle’s claw, the legs of a mule and a lizard, and the tail of a dragon. Its mouth was filled with long, pointed teeth of all shapes and sizes. Luna flipped furiously through the magazine until she found an image of a creature that looked much like this statue. She looked at the picture, then at the statue, then at the picture again.
They were identical.

A Letter from Canterlot

My Faithful Student Twilight Sparkle,

I am sorry to ask so much of you again, but I am afraid we find ourselves again in a dire situation. Discord has returned, I do not know why or how. His power has been weakened significantly, but it is possible for him to take control of Equestria if we do not act swiftly. Luna and I could easily defeat him, except my sister disappeared mysteriously a few days ago. So, I regret that I must ask you and your friends to return to Canterlot and wield again the Elements of Harmony (which I have insured the safety of) to defeat him. I am sorry to trouble you with this, but you are our only hope.

Signed,
Princess Celestia

Twilight could not believe her eyes. Discord returned? And Princess Luna missing? Surely this was a misunderstanding, surely this was some sort of joke? She read the letter again, and to her disappointment, the words were all there in blue ink.

“Well?” said Spike, who had just delivered the message to the perplexed purple unicorn.

“Look at this!” said Twilight, shoving the parchment in the young dragon’s face. Spike grabbed it away from her and held it so he could read it.

“So?” he said, “You and the other ponies have used the Elements of Harmony a bunch of times. You just gotta go up to Canterlot and zap Discord again, right?”

“Well, yes, Spike, but it’s not that simple! Didn’t you see that Luna is missing?”

“Ah, she’ll turn up eventually. Remember that time she went to the chocolate festival in Vanhoover?”
Twilight Sparkle’s worried look transformed into a frown.

“Don’t remind me” she said, remembering the weeklong search for both the princess and an entire metric ton of assorted confections.

“Well, anyway, she’ll be fine. Just get the gang together and go help the princess. I’ll make sure your books are fine.”

About two hours later, Rarity, Rainbow Dash, Fluttershy, Pinkie Pie and Applejack were gathered at the library. They had assumed something was wrong when they all heard their friend Twilight running about the town screaming “Princess…. Elements….. Discord….” repeatedly at the top of her lungs. Before they could talk about it, however, the unicorn returned, nearly breaking down the door.

“Hi girls! No time to talk now, we’ve got to plan our journey, got to buy train tickets, oh, what if he’s already– no, no, we can..”

“Ah, ‘scuse me, Twi’, but, uh, why exactly are we here?” Applejack interrupted.

“OH! Sorry.” Twilight blushed. She lifted the letter from her desk and read it aloud to the others. They were mostly not surprised, except for Rarity, who fainted as usual.
“ I don’t really see what the big deal is. I mean, we beat Discord once, we can do it again, right? Plus, she said he’s a lot weaker this time! Let’s go kick some flank!” Rainbow Dash had to be stopped from breaking out a window by Applejack.

“Now, hold on there, Dash. Now, Twilight, what’s all this ‘bout Luna disappearing’?”

“I don’t know, Applejack. Spike says she’ll turn up eventually, but I don’t know. I mean, Discord returns and she’s gone? Something’s not right here.”

“Well, whatever, Princess Celestia’s counting on us, so let’s go!”
Twilight Sparkle was in accord, so the six young ponies went to the station and boarded the next train to Canterlot.

That night, on the other side of town, Lyra and Bon Bon shared the couch in the living room of their cottage, wrapped up in either side of a large blanket. Bon Bon yawned, and set her book down on the coffee table.

“I’m going to bed. You coming?”

“Eh, in a minute” Lyra replied.

Bon Bon shrugged, and then turned and walked away into the pair’s shared bedroom. As soon as Lyra saw the light turn off and could hear Bon Bon’s audible snoring, she quickly stole away to a corner of their library. Pulling a copy of Crime and Punishment and Ponies from the many leather-bound tomes, the bookshelf flipped over, revealing a secret passageway. Lyra looked around to be sure she was not being followed, and then headed down to the cellar.

When she had made her weekly trip to Canterlot, she never figured she would have made such a great discovery. The floors, walls, and ceiling of the dusty basement were covered in magazine articles, newspaper headlines, pages from books, anything giving any insight to the mysterious and fantastical creatures known as ‘humans’. And now, she had finally found one.

She greedily spied her plunder tied to a chair in the centre of the room. The blonde female was still asleep, most likely due to the chloroform. Lyra laughed maniacally as she waited for the mythical biped to awake. A half hour later, she had almost fallen asleep at her desk when her prisoner regained consciousness.

“Oh, hello. I’m Luna Lovegood.”

Nightmares

The days flew by for Princess Luna like an oiled gazelle. She had eagerly joined Dumbledore’s Army after that first night; the idea of an organization existing for the sole purpose of tormenting Dolores Umbridge was music to her ears. She continued to observe classes, with the exception of the Defence Against the Dark Arts (She had been banned from Umbridge’s classroom after utilizing the Royal Canterlot Voice). Although she was beginning to enjoy the world of Hogwarts School, she could not help but wonder what her sister would do without her in her absence, assuming that this wasn’t one of those epic dreams that seemingly goes on for months until you finally wake up bewildered and confused. She was pretty confident that some ancient evil wouldn’t reappear in her short absence (after all, it was only halfway through the season), but one could never be certain.

Dolores Umbridge was seated at the desk in her garishly pink office. She busied herself with organizing the many quills in her top right drawer, the pink ones, the magenta ones, the fuchsia ones, the amaranth ones, and also the jet black ones she used to imprint propaganda onto the tender flesh of naughty students. It was a calm scene, the room only seen by Umbridge, and the dozens of enchanted cats portrayed on tiny pieces of ceramic on the wall. The quiescence of the scene was interrupted by the slamming of the door and the sudden presence of a biarchal equine deity in the centre of the room.

“You!” Umbridge said, slamming her desk drawer.

Luna smiled at her. It was not her usual smile, but a sort of cruel “Woman-you-are-so-going-down” smile, a sadistic smile, the kind of smile you usually see from the kind of person who is habitually formulating evil plans.

“What are you doing in my office‽” said Umbridge, half afraid and half enraged.

“Trying to annoy you”. The princess’ blunt honesty was somewhat shocking to Professor Umbridge.

“Get out! I will inform Professor Dumbledore!” Luna didn’t seem to care about what she was saying, instead focusing on Umbridge’s gaudishly decorated office.

“You really do have terrible taste–” she said, disgusted at the utter pinkness of the room. Umbridge was paralyzed at her desk.

“Why, take this for example..” she said, telekinetically lifting one of the lurid cat plates from the wall. The fuzzy tabby magically pictured on it scurried out of the frame. Luna inspected it, and then unceremoniously dropped it on the floor. Ceramic bits of kitten dispersed across the room. Umbridge looked at the scattered bits on the floor in utter terror.

“What are you doing‽ Get out!” Umbridge stood up. She and Luna were about the same height. The purple pony ignored her, directing her attention to the lace curtains hanging on the tidy office’s only window.

“Don’t. You. Dare!” Umbridge said, but before the words could leave her lips, the frilly fabric was immolated in a holocaust of ice-blue flames.

“That is it! I am going to alert the headmaster! I was right about you, you… you… filthy half-breed!”

That was it. As the pudgy professor ran for the door, she found it locked.

“You undermine the Headmaster. You fire professors, you torture your students (you suck at teaching, by the way), you discriminate against those you find below you, and now, you insult my very lineage, the Royal House of Canterlot, which has existed for millennia longer than your beloved Ministry.”

Dolores Umbridge’s face twisted into a wicked shape.

“How dare you insult the Ministry of Magic! I should have you taken before the Wizengamot!”

“Go ahead and try, after all, this is only a dream.”

“What‽ What are you– How?”

“As I have said before, I possess powers beyond your mortal comprehension.”

“I– How dare you invade my privacy! That is simply uncivil!” Luna smiled again.

“What, call me uncivil? I’m not the one who abuses her students.”

“They should have considered the punishment before committing the crime! I’d whip them all, if I could! And you, invading my mind, peering into my deepest thoughts! I should torture you! Crucio!” The curse flew past the alicorn, merely rustling her mist-like mane.

“You’re going to have to try harder that that, old woman.”

“Why, I never! Crucio! Crucio! Sectumsempra!” Luna still laughed as curse after curse sailed past, to no effect.
“Avada Kedavra!”

Luna had no idea what the words meant, but the infliction was clear as a streak of electric green struck her directly in the face. She was slightly fazed, but remained notably un-killed.

“What is your purpose‽ What are you doing here‽”

“I want your job,” The princess said, turning towards the door,
“Bitch”.
The equine disappered in a haze of lavender. Dolores Umbridge awoke in a cold sweat.

Discord

Princess Celestia usually didn’t get this irritated, but then again, her throne room usually wasn’t covered in six feet of liquid chocolate. It had been almost two days since she had sent her letter to Twilight, where were they? True, Discord wasn’t likely to overthrow the Kingdom of Canterlot in two days, but he wasn’t the most cordial of visitors. At least the barbaric griffins tried to cut your head off without the sarcasm.

“Oh, why so glum, princess?” The voice emerged from the depths of the olympic-size pool. Discord slowly rose from the sugary abyss, his serpentine form saturated with brown goop. Two yellow and red eyes opened, and a tongue the length of a locomotive began to lick its owner clean.

“You simply must try this, Celestia.” He said, smacking his lips, “It’s– no pun intended– divine.” Discord smiled quirkily with his mismatched teeth.

“Discord, as soon as Twilight Sparkle and the others arrive, I swear I’m going to wipe that grin off of your stupid–”

Her threat was interrupted by the opening of the great doors of the throne room. The whole “big damn heroes” entrance of the mane six was ruined profoundly by the tsunami of chocolate that assaulted them as soon as the doors flew open. They all looked significantly less badass covered in liters of liquid confection, and they all seemed thoroughly disgusted (Except for Pinkie Pie, of course). Discord chortled.

“Oh, has the heavy artillery arrived? Oh, my heavens! I am quivering in my boots!”

“You’re not wearing boots, silly!” Pinkie said, the sarcasm flying right over her head with an audible whoosh.

“You were always my favourite, Pinkie Pie”. She smiled.

“Anyway,” said Discord, turning back to the princess with a churlish expression, “I’ve had my fun. I’m sorry to leave you so soon, but I’ve got to be off before the Friendship Squad here find their magical MacGuffins and rainbow-rape me into the next season. Auf wiedersehen” He said, taking a metaphorical sledgehammer and driving it directly into the fourth wall. He then began to fly up and away, until he made contact with the roof and fell back into the chocolatey brine. “Oh, right. Forgot I can’t do that anymore. Well, anyway–” He began to fly door-wards, until the great iron portals were shut by a magical purple haze. His face again was briskly introduced to solid metal.
“Ouch.”

Discord lay in the centre of the throne room (now mostly devoid of chocolate), petrified in stone up to the neck, and surrounded by Princess Celestia and the mane six.

“Well, it seems like the sparkly technicolor ponies have once again triumphed against mean old Discord. Equestria is saved! I have no regrets! Do your worst, send me once again into the infinite silence of my rocky prison!” He said, hamming it up more than Brian Blessed in a well-stocked deli.

“Not so fast,” said the princess. “We’ve got a couple of questions for you.”

“Well, if you must know, I’m a Pisces, I enjoy long walks on the beach–”

“You know what I mean”.

“I am terribly afraid that I don’t”.

“Yes, you do!” she roared, “Now tell me, Where is my sister‽”

“What, Lulu is missing?” he said, intrigued. “‘Tis a shame,” he said with a sigh, “She was the fun one around here”. Princess Celestia was bemused.

“You mean– you didn’t kidnap her?”

“Kidnap her?” Discord said, barely able to contain his laughter, “Why in Equestria would I want to kidnap her, for Faust’s sake?”

“I– You–” The divine ruler of Equestria just didn’t know what to say.

“Oh, poor Celestia. Missing her wittle sister and can’t find her.” The confusion once again turned into rage.

“How did you escape‽” she asked furiously.

“It’s the most interesting story, actually. Here I am in the gardens (you need to execute your landscaper, by the way, that place is an eyesore), just minding my own nonexistence, when suddenly, this… this human comes up to me, and sets me free.” Princess Celestia looked up in sudden understanding.

“Wait– she freed you?”

“Who are you talking about?” inquired Rainbow Dash. The princess sighed.

“A few days ago, the same day that my sister disappeared, a human named Luna Lovegood appeared in the castle for unknown reasons.”

“um- what exactly is a human?” asked Fluttershy.

“A human,” Twilight chirped in before Celestia had time to respond, “is a mysterious creature that only lives in different dimensions. I’ve read that some of them are almost as intelligent as ponies”.

“That is correct. I see you have been doing your research, Twilight” the princess said. The purple unicorn blushed. “But yes, a few days ago, a human appeared in the castle. And most surprisingly, this human could perform magic”. The mane six looked shocked.

“Sorry to interrupt your little lecture, princess,” interjected Discord, “but could we make with the whole ‘eternal imprisonment’ deal? My foot’s fallen asleep.” Celestia glared down at him apathetically.

“Based on what Discord has said,” she continued, paying no heed to him, “I think this ‘Luna Lovegood’ may be some evil demon from another universe. And if I’m correct, this may be just the beginning”.

“Sounds like fun. Now, please, take me out of my misery” begged Discord.

“One more question. After she freed you, where did this human go?”

“I haven’t the faintest idea. I was occupied with turning the Grand Ballroom upside-down. You all should really see it. It’s just marvelous” he said.

“Hope you find her, anyway. Well, I’m done here. You may fire away, Miss Sparkle” said Discord, yawning, as if being transfigured into granite was now just part of his routine. Twilight looked up to her mentor for some confirmation. Princess Celestia nodded, holding back a single tear. Together, the six ponies activated the Elements of Harmony, and the draconequus was petrified, his face eternally frozen in a laughing position.

“Now then,” said Celestia, turning her attention away from the stone grin of Discord, “If this human really is what I believe, we must act without haste.” She addressed the earth ponies, the pegasi, and Rarity. “You five must take the Elements back to Ponyville. Twilight, I would like you to stay with me here, to assist me in my research.”

“Of course, Your Majesty” said Twilight Sparkle, an excited gleam in her eye.

Lyra had once again snuck into the cellar. The eccentric human girl still stood tied to her chair. Lyra opened the top drawer of her ancient oaken desk, and applied a pair of latex gloves to her seafoam hooves.
“Now, the fun really begins…”

Christmas at Grimmauld Place

Luna ran to the Headmaster’s office as fast as her hooves could carry her. Strangely, she knew exactly why Dumbledore had summoned her in the dead on night. It was the Potter boy. She hadn’t really officially met him, but his dreams were another story.
“Professor Dumbledore!” she exclaimed, almost knocking the door to his office off of its hinges. The elderly wizard was standing in front of his desk in a dressing-gown, examining her sudden presence with his steel-blue eyes. The Potter boy was sitting in his pyjamas in one of the leather chairs opposite him. Professor McGonagall and the other red-haired boy were also in the room.

“Ah- I see that you’ve received my message. Mr. Potter here has had a rather, well, inexplicable dream, and I believed that you could possibly contribute some insight.” Luna knew instantly what he was referring to.

“I– I– saw Mr. Weasley, he– he was–”

“I know” said Luna. Harry looked at her quizzically.

“But… how?”

“In Equestria, where I come from, I am the Princess of the Night. I can– well, I can see into other’s dreams, if you could call it that”. Harry Potter just kept staring, dumbfounded.

“So– you… you know about… about the–”

“Yes”.

“So… you saw… That I… I…”

“All I witnessed was a man being attacked by a snake, Mister Potter”.

Harry Potter was very confused. Eventually, it was decided that Potter and his friend (whom Luna had learned was the attacked man’s son) would go home for the holiday early. After they had left, Luna was left alone with Dumbledore in his office.

“You realize that the fall term ends in two days?” He said. The princess was quite surprised by this; she’d been having so much fun tormenting Umbridge that she had lost track of time. When had she arrived? October? “I am assuming that you have no plans for the winter break?” Luna nodded, a bit embarrassed. She really had not figured on staying so long as to needing somewhere to stay until January.

“Uh… yes.”

“Then, I would like to invite you to follow Mr. Potter, to his godfather’s home.”

“I– what?”

“Mr. Potter and the Weasleys are traveling to the headquarters of the Order of the Phoenix, a.. er, well, a society devoted to the destruction of dark magic, more specifically, Lord Voldemort.” Luna nodded in understanding.

“You wish me to keep an eye on the Potter boy?”

“Yes, and I also wanted to spare you from spending all winter here at Hogwarts.” He chuckled. “Rubeus Hagrid is not much for company”. Luna smiled, remembering the immense man with mighty rivers of black hair flowing from his magnificent scalp.

“The Headquarters of the Order of the Phoenix is located at Twelve Grimmauld Place, London. I trust you are familiar with portkeys?”

“Well, er, I–” Luna replied hastily. Dumbledore laughed, handing her a rusty spoon, which she held aloft telepathically.

“Now, how exactly does this w–”

By the time she had arrived, all of the other temporary residents of the house had absconded to their bedchambers, so it was quite a shock to Harry, Ron, Fred, George, Ginny, Mrs. Weasley, and Sirius Black when the blue mare descended the stairwell mid-breakfast.

“Y-you‽” Exclaimed Harry, “What are you doing here?”

“Professor Dumbledore has invited me to stay here until the spring term”.

“Erm– excuse me, but– who are you?” inquired a bewildered Molly Weasley.

“Oh. Excuse me. I am Princess Luna. I mysteriously woke up at Hogwarts one day, and I don’t really know how to go back”.

“But– Your, um– Princess, where exactly is back?”

Over the next fifteen minutes Luna explained everything, from Equestria, to her disappearance and simultaneous reappearance, being thrown out of Umridge’s class, et cetera, wondering why they all couldn't just go back and read the first seven chapters of this story instead of making the illustrious author deign to summarize the plot yet again. When she had finally reached the beginning of this paragraph, there was a very pregnant silence. Not pregnant in, like, expecting a baby, but, well, just look it up. Finally, Ginny, noticing the already shabby condition of the fourth wall, asked a question.

“So– you’re staying?”

“Unless this is all a part of one of Dumbledore’s complex plans, then yes, I’m assuming that I will be staying”.

“So, you’ll be here for Christmas?” inquired Ron, spitting out a bit of hash browns as he talked.

“Christmas?” Princess Luna assumed this was of some importance, as all seven at the table began to stare at her in the way that one stares at a friend who has just said that he’s never seen Inception.

“You’ve– you’ve never heard of Christmas?” said Fred, slightly appalled.

“Well, no, based on the fact that I’m from an alternate universe and have been here for a sum total of less than two months”.

“Anyway-” said Mrs. Weasley before George or Fred could even consider anything mischievous, “We were about to leave for the hospital, to check on Arthur. Would– would you like to join us?”

“Oh, no. I would not want to impede upon your generosity. I shall stay here”.

“Wonderful!” said the older man with untrimmed hair sitting near the rear, who was yet to get a word in edgewise.

“I’m sorry, you are–?”

“Sirius Black, Harry’s godfather, internationally-loathed criminal”.

“Pleasure to make your acquaintance”.

As the days went by, various members of the Order came through the house, slightly but not completely shocked by the presence of inter-dimensional equine royalty.

“So, you said that you control the moon?” asked a particularly intrigued Remus Lupin one night.

“Yes, except for the thousand years that I spent on it”.

“What for?”

“Attempted regicide”. Lupin whistled, apparently impressed.

“I see we have a similar problem with that, the moon”.

“We may have another thing in common, come to think of it” Luan said, winking suggestively.

“And that is?”

“Starting next term, I may be taking your old job”.

“Impossible,” Remus said, laughing. “No way in hell you’re taking Umbridge down”.

“You’d be surprised at how often I manage the impossible, Lupin”.

“I’d like to see you try”.

“My pleasure.” She turned to Hermione Granger, now seated on the other side of the table. “I’m really sorry, Miss Granger, I–”

“You can call me Hermione. And it’s no problem”. Lupin looked, puzzled, from Luna to Hermione, then from Hermione to Luna.

“Anyway–” she said. A small silver tape recorder emerged from her ethereal mane, coaxed by the soft byzantium aura of her magic. “I meant to return this to you earlier.”

“It’s been quite useful” she added.

Christmas day arrived, and Luna awoke in her small bed on the top floor. She was still in the same place that she had fallen asleep, which was good. The last thing she needed was to mysteriously teleport into another plane of existence. Again.

She calmly descended the stairs, quickly overtaken by Harry, Ron, Fred, George, Hermione, and Ginny, who seemed to be excited to wake up at six o’clock in the morning for some strange reason, which she immediately saw upon entering the dining room. The normal table was stacked nearly to the ceiling with packages bound in colourful paper. Luna was a bit excited as she saw that there was even a small pile of bounty at her usual place, and sure enough, all four packages were addressed to her.

“Well, go ahead then” encouraged Molly Weasley, entering from the kitchen, coffee in hand. The six eager children made like angry termites before a mahogany canoe, ripping the neatly folded paper to molecular bits, eager for the mysterious loot within. Following the crowd, Luna began to politely unwrap her gifts. The lumpy one on top, wrapped in plain brown paper, was from Mrs. Weasley.

It was a sweater, midnight-blue, with a silver L embroidered on the breast. Luna looked around. The other six had received similar garments, but treated them with much disdain.

“I’m sorry if it’s the wrong size,” she said, as Luna laid eyes on her gift. “I had to guess really, plus I’m not used to making them for your…. figure”.

“It’s…. It’s….” Luna said, as Mrs. Weasley looked at her nervously. “Magnificent!” finally came, and Molly exhaled in relief. She was quite surprised when the alicorn leaped from her seat and embraced her with the fatal grip of a ball python.

“We have not received such an excellent gift in ages! Oh, most wonderful of days!” She utterly failed at suppressing tears of joy. Mrs. Weasley looked awkwardly around the room, ensnared in the vise-like embrace of the grateful pony. The four Weasley children, Harry, and Hermione, couldn’t help staring at the scene. At some point, Luna saw what she was doing, and returned to her seat, blushing. The evisceration of the presents continued. Luna looked again at her presents, now numbering one sweater and three enigmatic boxes. The one on top was from Dumbledore.

She looked at it once, twice, three times, still unsure of exactly what it was. It was a stone bowl, ornately carved with some indecipherable writing. Luna looked around it, turned it upside down, placed it on her head, but still couldn’t figure out exactly what it was. “Is that… a pensieve?” asked Sirius Black, who had just joined her on the opposite side of the table.

“I… guess so?”

“Who gave that to you? Dumbledore? Bloody hell. Those things are valuable. Useful, too.”

“Um.. but what does it do?”

“It lets you store memories, and go back to them later. Quite useful, for someone as–” he searched for the right word, Luna looking a bit menacingly towards him. “...enlightened as you”.

“Interesting”, she said, pushing the pensieve aside, attacking her remaining presents. In addition to the sweater, she also received a book on the history of Hogwarts from Lupin, and a score of home-baked Cauldron Cakes from Professor Flitwick, which had passed into nonexistence by lunchtime.

“I quite like this ‘Christmas’,” thought Luna.

Lyra

Ordinarily, any sane human would go insane over the thought of being captured by a blue-green unicorn from another dimension and being held for days underground. However, Luna Lovegood was by no definition ‘ordinary’, and toed the line a bit when it came to ‘sane’. On the contrary, she was quite quiescent.

“So, do you want me to take off my clothes or anything?’

“What? No! Eww, why would I make you do that? I don’t want to see you naked” said Lyra, herself wearing nothing except two latex gloves and two fuzzy slippers.

“I thought all of you didn’t wear clothes”.

“Well, yes, but humans are… different”.

“I suppose so,” Luna said, her voice trailing off as she examined the room one more time.

“Do you see humans very often?” she asked.

“Mhm.. what?” Lyra responded, looking up from a piece of equipment she was holding. “Oh, no, never. You’re the first one I’ve seen, except for pictures”.

“Have you ever seen a crumple-horned snorkack?”

“A–what?” Lyra responded, her curiosity piqued. “No, no I haven’t. Why? Are there a lot of them where you come from?”

“No, but they exist. My father told me. He runs a magazine. We’re going to Sweden this summer to find some.”

Lyra’s curiosity once again got the best of her with the mention of a place where humans live.

“S-Sweden? Where is that?”

“In Scandinavia. It’s very cold there.”

“Where is Scandinavia?”

“In Europe”.

“Where is Europe?”

“It’s a continent”.

“Oh…” Lyra said, desperately wanting to know more.

“So, what exactly are you doing?”

“I–” Lyra came to a sudden and unwelcome realization. “I– I have absolutely no idea. I’ve never actually found a human before”.

“Oh. Interesting. I’ve seen lots of unicorns before.”

“You– you have‽”

“Oh, sure. But the ones I’ve seen don’t talk very often”.

“Huh”.
Their interesting conversation was interrupted by an explosion. Lyra turned around, horrified to see two Royal Guards standing in the doorframe where the secret passageway once stood. Luna, still tied to a chair, was utterly stoic. The two guards walked into the room once the smoke had cleared.

“Lyra Heartstrings, you are hereby under arrest for aiding and abetting a known criminal and trespassing in the Royal Canterlot Gardens”.

“What‽ How–” she said, turning perplexedly to Luna. “You’re- a criminal?”

“Oh. I am. Interesting.” Her utter apathy was interrupted by the entrance of a certain purple unicorn.

“Tw-Twilight‽" What the buck are you doing here?”

“Thank you, officers, I’ll take it from here” she said, gesturing towards the two pegasi blocking the only exit. She then turned to Lyra.

“Special assignment from Princess Celestia. I’m afraid that your little experiment, while extremely interesting to science, is wanted for heinous crimes against Equestria”.

“By Celestia’s beard, what the holy buck did you do‽” Lyra exclaimed at Luna. She shrugged.

“Your friend here is accused of breaking into Canterlot castle, freeing Discord, possibly kidnapping Princess Luna, and littering”.

“Daaaaaaaammnn” said Lyra.

“...Which is why I’m unfortunately going to have to arrest you both for further questioning.”

“What did I do?” Lyra shouted.

“You brought her here to Ponyville, thus aiding her in her escape”.

“I wasn’t trying to escape, she kidnapped me” said Luna, ignored by both unicorns.

“B-but… what about Bon-Bon?”

“I’m afraid we’re going to have to take her too.”

“You can’t do this! I have rights! I–”

“I’m so sorry about this Lyra, but I have no choice. Princess’ orders.”

“But I–”

“Trust me, it’s for your own good. Goodnight, Lyra”.

“Good night? But it’s only n–” she said, interrupted by a large blunt object impacting the back of her skull.

Snape's Dreams

WHUMF.
Luna sighed as the gargantuan text made contact with the stage that had been set up in the middle of her classroom. Teachers and national sovereigns have very similar job descriptions, in that they both deal with large numbers of idiots and large amounts of paperwork. Her usual ‘Dump-it-all-into-Tia’s-pile’ strategy was useless here; she was somehow expected to teach this crap to a class of moody, hormonal teenagers.

“The bloody ‘ell is that?” Ron Weasley said, breaking the pregnant silence.

“This,” Luna said, lifting the titanic tome from its resting place with a swirl of blue ether, “is your O.W.L. review book”.

“Jesus Christ, you expect us to learn all of that?”

“This wasn’t my choice, Mr. Weasley. If it was up to me, I’d give all of you an ‘Outstanding’ as long as you didn’t die in here” she said. “And I’d be quiet, Ron, unless you’d like the whole class to learn about a certain dream of yours about a certain student in a certain article of clothing”.

Ron’s face went red as a fresh-picked tomato. The ability to see into another person’s dreams has its advantages, even if it involves seeing Hermione Granger in a bikini.

“Any more questions?” Luna said.

“Is it true that you were banished for trying to kill your sister?” asked a voice near the back of the room. Luna’s eyes focused on its source with a cold stare.

“This room has two exits, Mr. Malfoy. The door, and the window. I’ll let you decide which one to take today” she said, after which Draco astutely edged further back into the crowd.

“Now,” she sighed, “Let’s begin”.

The door to the small room on the seventh floor shut with a percussive slam. Although her office was much larger, Luna had grown sort of fond of this little space. It lacked the grandiose opulence of her chambers in Canterlot, but really anything is acceptable once you’ve spent a millennium sleeping on solid rock. Wasting no time, she heaved herself into the small bed in the corner, and instantly fell asleep.

Although she wasn’t exactly envious of the massive loads of legislature, the annoying dignitaries, and the other assorted burdens of running a government that her sister was burdened with, she was a bit jealous of the fact that, at the end of the day, Celesta could just rest peacefully for hours before doing it all again at sunrise. Luna’s job was pretty much 24/7.

She was technically supposed to only visit the dreams of the ‘highly disturbed’, but this archaic, unwritten rule went pretty much ignored. The dimensional shift had also affected this aspect of her life. Disconnected from the familiar web of Equestria’s dreamscape, she was now before a universe of six billion sentient beings, all with problems and night terrors of their own. However, seeing that most of these people would not be welcome to psychiatric help from a talking horse, she mostly focused on Hogwarts students and staff.

Tonight’s dreams were pretty much par for course for most of the night. Harry with his constant terrors of Voldemort, Neville’s irreconcilable fear of dragons, Professor Flitwick’s fantasies of being six feet tall, they all played like reruns of terrible reality shows. Unlimited divine power comes with an eternity of bad television. One of them, however, was new.

It began like a lot of them, with Luna appearing in a generically placid field. She groaned as she saw two young humans walking over a hill.

“Great,” she said, “Another love story”.

The two looked vaguely familiar. The boy’s face was pale as snow, with shiny black hair coming down to his shoulders. As happy as he might have been, he had one of those faces that was eternally drawn into a frown. The girl, by contrast, looked overjoyed, with brilliant eyes as green as emeralds and long, straight hair of scarlet. As they were both wearing robes and scarves, Luna could only assume that they were Hogwarts students, or possibly staff at a younger age. They looked like they both should be in their fourth year. They were talking about something, something that seemed to distress the boy. She nonchalantly walked towards the couple, wanting to get whatever this is over with.

However, something strange happened. The young boy looked away from the girl for a second in Luna’s direction. As soon as their eyes met, the boy and the girl disappeared and the pleasant hillside lost its colour and faded into nonexistence before her eyes, and Luna was left floating in an empty, black void.

“One should not go peering into other’s thoughts,” came a somber, yet familiar voice like a loudspeaker.

Suddenly, the void disappeared, and Luna fell into nothingness. She was suddenly catapulted into consciousness with a jerk, suddenly understanding the meaning of “waking in a cold sweat”.

Portals and Pinkie Pie

“Just as I suspected” Princess Celestia said, magically retrieving an archaic brown volume from a shelf. The alicorn had brought the six young ponies from Ponyville to the older section of the Canterlot Library, where books from the earliest years of the sisters’ rule were kept, preserved by ancient spells now lost to the ages.

“The Possibility of Multiple Universes?” Twilight inquired, seeing the title.

“An old work, by the philosopher René Descolts. Mostly ignored in its time, but a valuable historical text nonetheless. Descolts believed that, instead of just one world, there are actually infinitely many universes, each mostly separate from each other”.

“He couldn’t possibly– wait, did you say mostly separate?” Twilight asked.

Princess Celestia nodded. “It’s only a theory, but he proposed that there can be rifts, ‘warp zones’, as he called them, where two universes could interact with each other. Some only the size of molecules, some large enough to devour planets. And some,” she said with emphasis, “just large enough for one pony”.

“Luna”.

“Exactly. Now, I am only speculating, but I believe that one of these… warp zones could have appeared, and she could have fallen into it, while the human fell from the other side, coming into our universe”.

“Well, then we just need to find this warp zone, right?” asked Rainbow Dash.

Celestia shook her head sadly. “If only. According to Descolts, these zones exist for only brief amounts of time. If he’s correct, then it has probably disappeared”.

“Is it possible that we could… make one of these holes?” Rarity asked.

“I’m not sure. It would be very dangerous, considering the fact that we don’t know the exact location of this other universe”. She sighed deeply. “There is one more thing. Descolts says that, if left unchecked, a warp zone can possibly destroy both universes that it connects”.

The six ponies gasped appropriately, except for Pinkie Pie, who had become absorbed in the same magazine she had discovered earlier that day.

“Pinkie Pie, would you please put that down? This is serious!” Rarity said to her urgently.

“I can’t, Rarity! I’m glued to the pages!”

Rarity looked at her hooves, and yes, she had in fact glued her hooves to the tabloid. If there was anything Pinkie was serious about, it was visual puns.

“Pinkie, please! It’s all just garbage, anyway” Twilight pleaded.

“Twilight, I think we could learn much from that ‘garbage’”, Celestia said. Twilight looked away embarrassedly. “Now, Pinkie Pie, what exactly have you learned?”

“Oh, lots! There’s snorkacks, and rhongos, and zombie beetles…”

Pinkie Pie’s voice continued like a frantic typewriter in the hands of an over-caffeinated monkey. Her friends rolled their eyes, but Princess Celestia was quite engrossed in what she had to say. After a few minutes, they began to get quite bored. Twilight looked at her mentor, who was still listening attentively to the pink mare. Without losing a single word, Celestia nodded, answering the question that was never asked. Taking the signal, Twilight led her friends out of the archives, leaving the princess alone with Pinkie Pie, still speaking at full speed.

“So do you actually believe this Descolts guy?” Rainbow Dash asked, once the five were outside again.

“I don’t know, Rainbow. I guess it’s all we have for now” Twilight answered.

“I, for one, would never put my faith in such an outrageous theory” Rarity added.

“I think it’s…. nice” said Fluttershy.

“Well, ah’ just don’t know,” Applejack interjected. “Ah mean, it kinda makes sense, if y’think about it.”

“I guess so” Twilight said.

“Also, I don’t really trust this… human. I think she’s a spy” Rainbow Dash said.

“Rainbow, you think everypony’s a spy” Applejack retorted.

“Who would she be spying for, anyway?” Rarity asked.

“Isn’t it obvious?” She said, stopping abruptly in front of the other four. “Discord! He opened this… warp thingy to another dimension so that this human could set him free!”

“She’s not a spy” Twilight said.

The other four turned to her, the only one who had so far had contact with the alien.

“How do you know?” Rainbow Dash asked.

“The Princess interrogated her. She’s not a spy, she’s just a confused student that accidentally fell through the portal. She only freed Discord because she thought he was some sort of dragon”.

“A likely story!” Dash said.

“Where is she now?” Rarity inquired.

“She’s being kept in the North Tower. The Princess doesn’t think she’s much of a threat anymore” Twilight said.

“I think we need to have a little talk”, said Rainbow Dash.

Pinkie Pie, having finished her talk with the princess, was browsing merrily about the Royal Canterlot Gardens. She hopped gleefully from shrubbery to shrubbery, whistling a merry tune, until she came upon the statue of Discord, the Lord of Chaos. She sat in front of it for a while, reminiscing about the time when this godlike being had made the sky rain chocolate. She didn’t want him back, of course; nopony wants that much chaos, but he was fun to have around from time to time. She looked down his strange body, until her eyes finally met the base of the monolith.

“What’s this?” she said, eyeing an object in the tangled vines at the base of the monument. She lowered her head into the greenery, and emerged with a long, straight piece of oak, about thirteen inches in length hanging from her mouth.

“This will make an excellent addition to my stick collection!” she thought.

Spellbooks

“You really should consider a little rest,” Dumbledore said, walking calmly into Hogwarts’ massive library late in the evening. “This is the fourth night in a row you’ve been here”.

“What, go to sleep? And be tortured again to the endless succession of melancholy fantasies of strangers?” Luna replied, looking up from the veritable fort of books she had built upon a desk.

“Well, when you put it that way, it doesn’t sound very restful, does it?”

“Trust me. It isn’t.”

Dumbledore took a seat directly opposite the blue alicorn. She shoved aside a stack of worn spellbooks, to better facilitate conversation. The dusty books abruptly fell off of the desk and landed on the floor with a percussive sound.

“Must I remind you again not to damage school property?” Dumbledore said jokingly.

“Professor, if I could be convicted for that, I’d be out of a job months ago” she said, remembering fondly the fiery genocide of pink kitsch that occurred briefly after she had taken possession of Umbridge’s office.

Dumbledore smiled. “Nonetheless, many of these books are priceless antiques. I, for one, don’t mind them being tossed around every now and again, but there are some who value these books more than human life” he said, vaguely hinting to Madame Pince, the librarian.

“I’m sorry. I just need to figure this whole thing out”.

“I was not reprimanding you; in fact, I find your little capers quite amusing. I was merely saying that you should be more careful. There are some here who would not shed a tear over your departure.”

“Professor Snape?”

“Professor Snape is a man I can trust, however I am not yet sure if you can. Keep in mind that he has envied the job you now have for years”.

“Then why didn’t you give it to him?”

“Although I trust him, I feel that it may be too risky to put him in that position. Besides, you have much more practical experience” Dumbledore said.

“What is he hiding?” Luna asked, a bit demandingly, before quickly apologizing.

Dumbledore ignored her apology. “Severus Snape is a complex man. He was briefly overcome by forces of evil, but he redeemed himself when he saw the results of his actions” he said.

“Hmmm, who does that remind me of?” Luna said, quite facetiously.

“I know that you two have a lot in common. Snape is a talented Occlumens, so it’s pretty much useless to try and find anything about him from his dreams”.

“I know”.

Dumbledore was not surprised. Instead, he simply picked up the nearest book to him and began to browse nonchalantly.

“Have you made any progress in your research?” he asked Princess Luna.

“Not yet. While I admire your library, Headmaster, it has neither the scale or age of the one in Canterlot” she replied.

“I am sorry for our shortcomings” he said, looking around at the desolate shelves. “Hopefully, your sister is doing the same?”

“Hopefully” Luna said with a sigh.

Dumbledore’s smile quickly became an expression that might be worn by a concerned father; loving, yet stern.

“I must apologize profusely that I have not concerned myself more with this. Even though you are one of the best professors this school has ever had, I could not stand to see you stranded here, away from your own world, your family.”

“Th…. thank you..” Luna said, letting a single tear escape her eye.

“Now, I think you should retire for the night. I do not ask you to sleep, just to rest until morning”.

“I… Yes, that would be good,” Luna said, wiping away more tears. “I guess I just let the time escape me, I guess” she said, chuckling. “I should just take these back..” she said, organizing the books into a neat pile with her magic.

“Don’t bother. It will be taken care of. Go rest” Dumbledore said.

“Thank you, Headmaster” she said, getting out of her chair and walking towards the door.

“And, Luna?”

“Yes, Professor?”

“Thank you”.

“It is no problem, Headmaster” she said; “I am sure that you and this Grindelwald fellow would like your privacy” she said to him as she slowly disappeared behind the large wooden doors.

Magic Stick

Pinkie Pie triumphantly strolled around the Royal Gardens, holding her newly acquired stick proudly in her mouth. The art of stick-collecting was an ancient art, appreciated by few and practiced by yet fewer. There were many who chided these purveyors of pointy planking, but the laughing would stop as soon as the critics would find themselves in need of something with which to doodle in the dirt when they’re bored, or to throw for their dog when they couldn’t find a tennis ball.

This stick was especially interesting. A trained baculumatic* could deduce that it was, in fact, made of a very specific type of yew, and had a hollow core, filled with some strange material. It had been smoothed, except for the wider base, which had been made into some sort of handle. Pinkie Pie just thought it looked pretty.

“Weyf unfill the girlf thee whuff I’ff found!” she said, the twig still perched between her teeth. The pale wood lustered in Princess Celestia’s early afternoon sun. It gave her a strange feeling; it seemed like there was something else inside of her, something new, something she had never experienced before. And it probably wasn’t the quesadilla she’d had for lunch.

Suddenly, she heard something let out a loud chirp. Frightened, she turned her head rapidly in the direction of the noise. Before she could even focus on what had made the noise, a flash of silver light had come out of nowhere. It struck a nearby statue, transfiguring its august and triumphant equine form of white marble into a taco the size of a full-grown pony.

“Huh” thought Pinkie Pie. “I guess I shouldn’t have had Marexican for lunch”.

She turned back, continuing her walk despite the uncanny event which had just happened.

“Here…. huh… huh…. we are….” Twilight Sparkle said, gasping for breath as she conquered the final step of a long spiral staircase. “The…. ugh…. North Tower”.

Rarity and Applejack followed, likewise collapsing on the upper landing. Rainbow Dash soared in from a large, open window.

“Come on guys, no time to rest! Let’s go!” She said, utterly oblivious of her friends’ wingless agony.

“Coming… huh…. Rainbow… jus’… eugh…. wait a second, willya?” Applejack contested.

“There’s no time, Applejack! We have to get the Princess back! We have to save Equestria!”

“..And, we have to get this human back to her world” Twilight added.

“Uh, yeah, that too… I guess” Rainbow Dash said.

Eventually, the five ponies found themselves in front of a large pair of wooden doors, painted purple with golden handles. Twilight magically opened the doors, revealing a young human girl with wavy hair or pale gold, seated in a chair that was quite ordinary. She was under the close watch of two guard pegasi in the uniform of Celestia’s finest.

“The princess has decl… oh. Sorry, Twilight” the guard began to say, before correcting himself upon identifying the visitor.

“We seek consul with the alien,” she said with a certain regal air, “It is of an urgent matter”.

“Of course” the guard replied. He nodded to his counterpart, and they silently departed out the doors.

The five ponies were left alone with the human girl in an old storage room that had been hastily converted into a solitary confinement cell. She did not look frightened, nor confused, or even mildly upset, just strangely pensive and stoic. Escape was obviously not a problem; the doors hadn't even been locked. Even so, the five surrounded the convict, leaving only the open window to certain death as an exit.

“Have I seen you before?” Luna asked, looking at Twilight in the centre.

“I was with the Princess during your interrogation” she said, leaving out the part where she had knocked out her captor, drugged her, and brought her all the way back to Canterlot.

“How…. how did I get here?” She asked. This was no longer the emotionless, remorseless alien. This was a girl that missed her family and friends.

“We’ll ask the questions here!” Rainbow Dash added sharply. Twilight leered at her. Slightly embarrassed, the cerulean pegasus took a step back.

“We don’t quite know yet. What we do know is that unless we send you back soon, you may never go back” Twilight said, “because there won’t be anywhere to go back to”.

Luna was staggered. Before Twilight could extrapolate further, however, the doors of the room flew open, revealing the same guard that had left the room mere minutes before, now hyperventilating as he reached the door.
“The Princess… huff… situation… ugh… in the gardens” he was able to vocalize before promptly fainting. Without thinking, Twilight Sparkle, Applejack, and Rarity were blazing down the spiral stairs, and the two pegasi had flown out the window. Seizing her chance, Luna Lovegood followed the ponies down at a safe distance, stepping carefully over the unconscious sentinel.

The Royal Canterlot Gardens looked like a war zone, if the opposing forces had fought with party supplies and a buffet. Towering layer cakes stood in the place of statues. Confetti littered the greenery like morning dew. There were streamers everywhere. When the five ponies arrived, the Princess herself was being liberated from the soft yellow flesh of a gigantic pineapple.

“Dammit, Pinkie Pie” she said.

*baculumatic - a collector of sticks

Quidditch

In a shocking turn of events, it was not raining in Scotland on this particularly dreary day of February. The skies above Hogwarts castle were a uniform shade of dull grey, the morning sun completely lost behind a façade of clouds. A cooling breeze blew in from the North Sea and across the Highlands. More importantly, it was Saturday, which meant only one thing at Hogwarts School: Quidditch.

Princess Luna was equal parts excited, anxious, and confused as she strolled across the grounds towards the jade-green pitch. She had never actually seen the illustrious game, only having heard students and professors toss around a mysterious cavalcade of confusing terms and scores. Normally, she was not very interested in sport of any kind, due to it usually involving rules and some form of social interaction, but she figured that this shouldn’t be too boring, considering that it involved both flying and a high possibility of severe injury.

She took her seat in the staff box, a wooden structure a hundred meters high that she suspected was held up only by force of habit. She was a bit early, so the only others there were Hagrid, Dumbledore, and Professor Snape, whom she imagined was only here because Slytherin was playing; Snape was the sort of the person who would come to something as gleeful as this only under the Imperius curse. Down on the field, the teams, dressed in long robes of maroon, for Gryffindor, and emerald, for Slytherin, were doing stretches. Luna thought that this seemed rather pointless for a sport that was played on broomstick, but she figured that these kids had to get a little exercise somehow.

Sensing a prime opportunity for a nap, she closed her eyes and laid down on the wooden bleacher. She could usually find some sleep during the day, as her dream-invading powers only had a limited range and not many people had dreams at quarter past noon. She slept peacefully for a good half-hour, over the crescendoing roar of several hundred children arriving to the stadium. She was only awoken when Professor Sprout gently tapped on her shoulder to inform her that the match was about to start, and also that her royal flank was intruding in her seat. Luna got up with a grudge and trained her eyes back on the field. The two teams of students were gathered in a circle around the centre of the pitch, where Madame Hooch had placed a tacky old suitcase on the green.

“Now, I want a nice clean game from all of you,” she said, glaring equally at Harry Potter and Draco Malfoy, perched on opposite sides of her above the other players. With these words, she opened the suitcase. Luna was astonished to see two small black balls, about the size of her hoof, fly into the air and begin to rapidly sail about the teams.

“Those are the bludgers,” Professor Flitwick whispered in her ear from behind. Luna could imagine why, seeing the two orbs, possibly made of ebony, or worse, stone, fly through the air at a dazzling speed. Madame Hooch now grabbed the oddly-shaped brown object from the middle of the suitcase, and threw it in the air, causing both teams to jolt forward and upward, like moths drawn to a flame.

“The quaffle,” said Flitwick.

The game was quite interesting to watch, even if she had no idea what was going on. The quaffle was taken around the field by both teams, while the beaters flew in every direction before being redirected by players with heavy wooden clubs. Eventually, the physical dialogue had to go somewhere, and the quaffle was eventually hurled by an eager Gryffindor directly through one of the lower rings on the Slytherin side of the pitch. The cheer that arose from three of the houses shook Luna, who was dozing off in the possibility of another nap.

“Ten points for Gryffindor!” The announcer triumphantly declared.

She applauded without knowing why. She didn’t really favour Gryffindor, but as far as she knew, Slytherin was home to the most vile dregs of human society, to put it delicately. The action continued, ten points here, ten points there, until she suddenly saw a flash of gold, followed closely by Potter and Malfoy. Confused, she turned back to Flitwick.

“That,” he said, a cheerful smile coming to his lips, “is the Golden Snitch. The team that can capture it wins one hundred and fifty points, and the game ends”.

Luna was at a loss for words as she looked back at the pair, now chasing the Snitch hundreds of feet above the engrossed crowd. The way that the two skirmished in the sky was not just sport, it was art. This wasn’t just a Quidditch match. This was personal.

While she was enchanted by the pair above, the battle continued in the stadium. The weak Slytherin team was no match for Gryffindor, who had taken a decisive 70-20 lead. Crabbe, one of the unfortunate team’s beaters, was suddenly approached by his partner in crime, Goyle, when there was a lull in the action.

“See horseface in the teacher seats?” Goyle said, pointing his bat directly at the Princess, still mesmerized by the aerial ballet of Harry and Draco.

“Yeah. Why?” Crabbe responded, his meager intellect struggling to keep up.

Goyle said nothing, only looking around the field before smiling. An iron bludger sailed directly at the pair from nine o’clock low. Seizing his bat, Goyle struck the speeding ball, sending it hurling towards the stands occupied by the staff and personnel of Hogwarts School. The looks on Crabbe’s face was mirrored by dozens of observers, who saw the bludger flying towards the crowd, until….

Wham.

Now, immortality is pretty useful at certain times, but several pounds of high-speed metal directly to the face will still hurt like hell regardless. The bludger made direct contact with Luna’s raised jaw, preventing her from expressing her surprise before she was hurled back a few rows from the sheer momentum of the impact. Still conscious, she scanned the sky for the offending party, until her sttel-blue eyes met the terrified ones of Gregory Goyle, paralyzed in place with bat in hand. Spreading her wings, she took the sky in unrepressed fury before the other professors were able to contain her. Seizing the unfortunate student by the throat in midair, she was only stopped by the magically amplified voice of Albus Dumbledore.

“Please, refrain from violent activity, Luna. We’d like to avoid a murder this afternoon”.

Luna’s mind was a hurricane of rage and confusion.

“Just one?” she requested in response.

Dumbledore clutched his beard pensively for several seconds, before eventually saying “I’ll allow it”.

Luna poised one hoof with a direct trajectory with the hideous Slytherin’s face, and was prepared to strike, when she reconsidered. After thinking it over for a second, she then rammed her silver slipper directly into the young man’s groin.

Our Only Hope

The Canterlot Chaos Suppression Force, a highly trained unit of the Royal Guard specially equipped to clear up massive and random disasters, was formed shortly after Nightmare Moon’s final defeat, and had experience from Discord’s escape and the wedding fiasco, and was now again earning their reputation by cleaning the Royal Gardens after Pinkie Pie’s magical rampage. The pink pony responsible was being held captive when her friends arrived. Princess Celestia approached, freed from the yellow, succulent clutches of a titanic tropical fruit. One could instantly tell her displeasure by her physiognomy. She did not look dissimilar to when she had to confront one of the many terrors that seemed to flock to Canterlot whenever a season was beginning or ending.

“Pinkie Pie” she said. The terrified earth pony looked up to the sun goddess.

“I am extremely disappointed,” she said as if addressing a dog that had just peed in the house. “I did not think you capable of such…. such… destruction! Look around! Look what you’ve done!”

Pinkie Pie scanned the carnage. Nopony had been hurt, mostly, but the material damage was immense. Wedding cakes the size of elephants stood where beautiful and exotic trees once were. Three guards were still trying to remove the head of a prominent senator from the bell of a sousaphone. The Princess herself still had chunks of tender pineapple flesh stuck to her pearl-white fur.

“I…. I’m so sorry…. I just didn’t….”

“There is no excuse for what you have done” the Princess interjected. “I have been patient with you for some time, Pinkie Pie. I thought that Discord’s fascination with you was merely due to your charming demeanor. Now, however, I must only suspect that you are in his service. It was you that freed him. I have no other choice but to banish you. Henceforth, you will spend the rest of your mortal days on the m–”

“It was me” a voice called from behind the Princess. Everyone looked back to see the identity of the interloper. Luna Lovegood was standing in her ruffled school robes, holding the implement of destruction in her hand, her fingers curling around the wood in a familiar way.

“Y–you?” The Princess said, dumbfounded as she turned to face the human. “But– how? How did you escape?”

“Your guards all seem to have come down here. I just left”.

Princess Celestia shot an incriminating look at the acting Commander of the Guard, currently standing astride of Pinkie Pie. He looked away guiltily.

“But– what is that… thing?” She said, referring to the object in Luna’s hand.

“It’s a magic wand. Where I come from, wizards have to use these to do magic. It’s not magic itself, it only channels the magic of whomever is holding it”.

“But– that means….” she said, looking to Pinkie Pie. The non-unicorn simply shrugged back at the confused alicorn.

“I must have dropped it when I was kidnapped. She probably just found it somewhere”.

Princess Celestia closed her mouth, realizing that her jaw had been hanging, almost dislocated, for quite some time. She closed her eyes, trying to internalize just what went on here. Staying perfectly calm, she came up with a plan. Without warning, she suddenly called:

“Twilight Sparkle. Meet me in my office”.

The purple unicorn looked suddenly shocked that her mentor should want a word with her. Was she in trouble? Was Pinkie going to the moon? There was only one way to find out, she said to herself as she knocked on the ornate oaken door in the lower floor of the castle a few minutes later.

“Come in. Lock the door behind you”.

She followed the instructions. When she came in, the magnificent white pony was seated in the middle of the room, and motioned for her student to take a seat immediately next to her.

“What is it, Princess? Is this about Pinkie Pie?”

“No. This is something much more important, something I should have told you long ago”.

“Should I get my friends?”

“No. This is for your ears only. I wanted to say this in the library, but I felt that it would cause too much panic. You must swear that you will keep this to yourself.”

“I swear”.

“Good. Now, when I was telling you about the warp zones, I left out one crucial fact. I said that I did not know how to open or close one. I was lying. It is actually a very simple spell. The only problem is that it requires the two most powerful magical beings in the universe”.

“So, what is the problem? Can’t you and Princess L–Oh. Right. Sorry.”

“That is exactly our problem, my student. With Luna gone, another has become the second most powerful.”

Twilight thought about what the Princess had just told her for a second. She came to the grim realization at the same time that Celestia broke the dramatic pause.

“Discord”.

O.W.L.s

Luna looked dismally at the plate before her. It all looked lovely: scrambled eggs, toast, lingonberry jam, bacon, the whole shebang, lovingly prepared using the magic of indentured servitude. And she didn’t feel like eating any of it. This general sense of malaise was not uncommon; she saw that most of the students in the hall slowly consumed their breakfast with a certain trepidation. Even Dumbledore’s hand shook as he delivered a glass of orange juice to his mouth. This fear and anxiety was not ungrounded, though.

It was O.W.L. day.

She managed to choke down some of her food, and then waited patiently with the teachers, fifth-years, and seventh-years as the rest of the students, free of care, merrily left the Great Hall. When the innocents had left, she surveyed the remaining audience. A small inferno of fiery red hair identified the three Weasley boys. Hermione with her nose in a book reminded the princess a bit of Twilight Sparkle. Harry Potter, as always. Over at the Slytherin table, most of the students looked at her with fear in their eyes, especially Goyle. She didn’t see why, though; he should have thanked her for not completely gelding him on the pitch, or worse.

When the noise had quieted to a dull murmur, Dumbledore stood up.

“Seventh-years will accompany Professor McGonagall to their N.E.W.T. examination rooms. Fifth-years will remain here to await further instructions” he said, with an uncommon and urgent clarity. Immediately, the older students got up from the benches and crowded around the door until the tartan-clad witch led them away. Luna was left watching over the nervous fifth-years. Obviously she wasn’t in any danger of losing her job (she had threatened several of her students, invaded their privacy, and almost castrated one), but she still cared about these exams.

Eventually, the students filed out to their other exams, leaving Luna to wait until the Defence Against the Dark Arts test, which wasn’t scheduled until later that afternoon. She figured she’d take a walk around the grounds until then. It was a lovely day, a cool mountain breeze gently rippled the surface of the sapphire-blue lake. She saw all of the other students that had been spared the burden of examination outside. Some greeted her, others just ignored her, and some of the younger students purposefully avoided her. Luna didn’t really mind; she was used to a certain degree of ostracizing. Again taking advantage of the daytime, she found a nice oak tree and laid down under its shade of greenery. As she watched the sunlight reflect off of the calm water, she slowly fell into a deep sleep.

Instead of a peaceful unconsciousness, however, Luna now found herself in a dark place, surrounded by rows and rows of high shelves. She was not at all distressed, however; she had been here before.

“Potter just had to fall asleep during his exam, didn’t he?” she said to herself, thinking of ways to enact her revenge upon the bespectacled boy. Suddenly, a loud scream came from her left.

“That’s not normal…” she thought. Usually these nightmares just featured Harry wandering aimlessly around this place, whatever it was. She rushed in the general direction of the noise, more confused and bored than concerned. From a distance, she could make out two figures, one standing, and one on the ground. Luna slowly edged closer, taking cover behind a tall shelf of glass.

“Get it!” the one standing demanded. He waved his wand, and the figure on the floor howled and writhed in pain. This is just a dream, she told herself. So why does it feel so real?

“I… will… never…” the man replied, deep in the throngs of anguish. Luna recognized the voice, but couldn’t quite place it. The other man lowered his wand again, and the man once again was thrown into wild spasms. Luna finally saw the face of the torturer. It was as white as death itself, the eyes serpentine and devoid of emotion or even life. This vile creature looked up, and as soon as his eyes made contact with Luna’s, the world disappeared into a cloak of darkness.

Princess Luna awoke with a start. The sun was setting over the western hills, dyeing the sky around it a bloody orange. No longer did schoolchildren play merrily on the castle grounds. The cheerful blue sky now wore a foreboding ensemble of clouds. Wasting no time, she immediately ran back into the castle. Just as she was entering, though, a mass of people went out, pushing her back out and dissolving her into the crowd. Confused, she looked for the leader of this group. Leaping into the sky, she saw Harry, Ron, Hermione, Neville Longbottom, and Ginny jogging towards the forest. Teachers tried to suppress the horde, but let the five through. They disappeared into the woods just as the the evening sun died and fell below the horizon. Landing in front of the blockade, she proceeded at full gallop into the dark and mysterious beyond.

“Are… are you sure about this, Harry?” Ron asked.

“I’m absolutely certain. Kreacher said that he had gone. And it just… it felt….”

“Like it wasn’t a dream?” Luna finished his sentence, emerging from the trees. The five students turned towards the equine. Harry and Neville were holding the reins of three undead-looking creatures.

“How… how did you…” Harry said, puzzled.

“I can see your dreams, remember?”

“That’s pretty useful, come to think of it” Hermione said.

“It actually gets boring after a while” she said. “I didn’t know you had thestrals here”.

Ron, Hermione, and Ginny looked to the other two, who responded with an “I–told–you–so” sort of look.

“Y–you can see them?” Neville said, frightened.

“When you can’t die, you tend to see a lot of others do it first” she said.

“Why are you here?” Harry asked.

“I am absolutely furious that you lot would just run away from school and into such danger…” she said, pausing dramatically to relish the worried looks on their faces, “...and you didn’t invite me”.

Luna smiled, and Harry responded with a sort of half-smile that looked both joyful and awkward.

“But… uh… the problem is, uh,” Ron said, “we’ve only got two thestrals”.

Luna shot a disappointing look at him before spreading her pair of midnight-blue wings.

“Oh…yeah… forgot about those…” Ron said, his voice dying out as he looked away.

Deus Ex Lapide

“Are… are you sure about this, Princess?” Twilight said. As per her orders, the six friends from Ponyville were now gathered around the statue of Discord, which now lay back in its original place in the Royal Gardens, albeit posed differently than before. He was never fearful or hesitant in his petrification, but faced eternal imprisonment with a wry smile.
“I am not entirely certain, but this is our last chance. Whenever you are ready, Twilight” Princess Celestia replied. She and Luna Lovegood were positioned a safe distance behind the statue and the mane six.
Looking around at her friends, who all wore a similar expression of doubt, she gave a nod. The golden tiara on her purple hair began to glow with a blinding aura. The six ponies rose slightly into the air. Pulses of light emerged from all six Elements, and a rainbow-coloured band of energy connected them all. This band moved slowly inward, until it closely enveloped the statue. The colourful tornado began to spin faster and faster, until the stone began to crack. There was a blinding flash, and Discord, the ancient deity of chaos, stood where the granite monolith once was.

“Ugggghhhhhh…… just when I was getting comfortable” he said sarcastically, streching his back.

“Discord” Twilight said, with austerity.

“Oh, you remembered my name. How touching” he quipped. “Truly the magic of friendship shines brighter than the sun”, he said, casting his gaze at Celestia.

“And who do we have here?” he added, slithering into the sky and coming face-to-face with Luna Lovegood. He extended a scaly talon. “I’d like to thank you for your services. I am forever in your debt”.

As Luna hesitatingly raised her hand to shake his upper appendage, Celestia magically jerked the draconequus away, until they were staring each other in the eyes.

“Oh, Celestia, mon coup de soleil,” he said, “you never change”.

“This is not the time for funny business, Discord”.

“Funny business!?” he chortled. “Who said anything about funny business!?”

“If you don’t cooperate, you’re going to be wishing to be petrified in stone”.

Discord frowned. “Your sense of humour is still dead as a doornail, I see. Now, what can I do for you, mon petit âne?”

“We need you to use your powers to open up the portal again” Rainbow Dash chimed in.

“My… my… powers? Oh, that’s a laugh” he said, breaking the princess’ grasp and flying back towards the mane six. “You see, Dashie, I’m not a can of green beans. You can’t just freeze and reheat me as much as you like, if you still want me to be fresh”.

“Oh, be quiet!” Twilight couldn’t help saying. “That’s a lie and we know it!”

“I’m afraid not, Miss Sparkle. You see, I overheard your little conversation. The problem with your theory is this: I’m just too weak. I stopped being the most powerful being in this cruddy dimension ages ago”.

“Liar” Rainbow Dash said.

“I’m also afraid that my enormous ego would prevent me from degrading myself in any way unless it were true. so there you have it. I’m weak. Schwach. Powerless.”

“Well, if you’re not the most powerful, then who is?” Pinkie Pie said, confused.

“I don’t know”.

“...Another lie” said Rainbow.

“Oh, go ahead. Use one of your truth spells of friendship, or whatever. Hit me with your best shot. I swear by Celestia’s beard that I’m telling the truth”.

Twilight looked to her mentor for approval. Princess Celestia nodded, gritting her teeth in animosity. Remembering a spell from Starswirl’s Principiæ Magickus, she unleashed it upon Discord, whose mouth became a waterfall of unstoppable veracity.

“Well, Miss Lovegood has romantic feelings for her friend Harry, but doesn’t know what to say. Applejack is planning to bribe the tax collector with cider. Pinkie Pie sometimes puts Splenda in her cupcakes because she ate all the sugar. Season Four won’t start until next October. Fluttershy has tail extensions. Rarity has gymnophobia. Rainbow Dash writes Daring Do fanfiction (very bad fanfiction, I must say), Princess Celestia uses generic-brand horn polish, and you, Twilight, you often force your pet dragon (whose name I misremember) to construct a fort made of books in which you pretend you’re a princess. Oh, and I don’t know whom the most powerful magical being in the universe is.”

All eight of the others stood with their mouths agape, looking at each other confused and aghast.

“Book forts?” Rainbow Dash inquired of Twilight.

“Season Four?” Fluttershy wondered to herself.

“Fanfiction!?” Rarity solicited Rainbow Dash.

“You’re afraid of gyms‽” Pinkie Pie said to Rarity.

“How do you know all of this?” Twilight said.

“I read” Discord replied. “You wanted the truth, and you got it”.

They all looked at each other again, still bewildered by what Discord had said. Princess Celestia, wanting to stop the confusion, stepped forward.

“You have been useful, Discord, and for that we thank you. However, your services are no longer needed. Goodbye”.

“That’s all? You just interrogate me, and then send me back? Oh, you’ll pay for this, Celestia. I’m going to come back, powerful as ever, and I’m going to kill you, you son of a–” he said, his monologue cut off by the transformation of his vocal chords into solid granite.

“What do we do now, Princess?” Twilight asked after the statue had been restored to its normal place.

“Honestly, Twilight…” she said,

“I have no idea”.

The Department of Mysteries

The velveteen British sky slowly faded from orange, to red, to purple, and finally into a deep and infinite blue void. Stars broke through like tiny holes in the fabric of the universe. Only a slim crescent of light reflected off of the silver moon. Below, the trees swayed gently under the influence of a gentle spring breeze. The serenity of the scene seemed unfit for such a dangerous quest.

Three slender figures rode in the sky against the wind. Hermione and Neville rode one thestral, Harry and Ginny another, and, much to his dismay, Ron Weasley was perched on Luna’s back, clutching with trepidation to her lustrous fur. The thestrals, lacking substantial muscle mass, quickly fell behind the alicorn, after which she was required to proceed at a slower pace. She had been simply caught up in the majesty of flight, something she hadn’t fully enjoyed for quite some time. A feeling of ecstasy came over her as the air flew across her feathers, her eyes shining in the faint moonlight. This was her night.

A few hours later, they landed in a vacant street in London. While the other four quickly dismounted, Ron remained attached to Luna, his knuckles white as they maintained their death grip.

“We’re here, Ron. You can get off of me now”.

Ron said nothing, murmuring slowly and silently, shuddering from the cold air and paralyzed by acrophobia. Slowly releasing his purchase of her fur, he silently fell over sideways, hitting the pavement with a dull moan. Sighing, Luna magically lifted the traumatized boy, his semi-conscious inert body hovering inches over the street.

The motley crew piled into a neglected red telephone booth, clearly not designed for six. Luna, the largest of the group, was shoved back into a corner. Hermione, who was closest to the receiver, typed the combination (6-2-4-4-2) into the disconnected telephone. A young woman’s voice magically chirped from seemingly nowhere.

“Welcome to the Ministry of Magic. Please state your name and business”.

“Hermione Granger, Harry Potter, Ron Weasley, Ginny Weasley, Neville Longbottom, and– er– Princess Luna. We’re here to save someone, unless your Ministry can do it first!”

“Thank you” the voice said. “Visitors, please take your badges and attach them to the front of your robes.”

Hermione awkwardly distributed the metal cards distributed from the coin return slot. Luna, seeing nowhere to place hers, discarded it immediately.

After a long trek down to the lowest level of the Ministry, guided by Harry, the group found themselves in front of a large, black door with silver knob in its centre. Harry Potter attempted to open it, but it was locked.

“Alohomora!” he said, brandishing his wand. The door did not yield. Harry went through every possible spell in his mind, but came up empty. After they realized the dire situation they had fallen into, someone spoke from behind.

“Stand back”.

The students turned around to see Luna wearing a grim expression. As they slowly edged around the narrow hallway to what they conceived to be a safe distance, she approached to door.

“You know some sort of ancient, obscure spell to get it open?” Neville asked, both curious and a bit afraid.

Without hesitation, the princess telekinetically drew a long object from her vaporous mane. It was a wooden pole, with the blade of an axe and a long, sharp spike.

“The bloody hell is that!?” Ron ejaculated.

“A halberd” she said, juxtaposing the medieval weapon against the sealed entrance. Smiling, she politely introduced blade to door. She chipped away at the portal with a precise percussion.

“A princess—thunk—must be—thunk—prepared for—thunk—anything” she said, forcefully punctuating every syllable with intercourse of iron and oak. After about a dozen impacts, the door split in half, sending wooden fragments flying in every direction. Gently sheathing her weapon back into the infinite void, she bolted through the defeated entryway, followed by the five robed students.

Opening another door in the seemingly infinite labyrinth, the group came into a large, circular room. At the centre of this room, illuminated dimly by candles floating in midair was a large archway of stone. A long shroud of hung under it, ethereally rippling in a wind that wasn’t there. The six stood there for a long time, transfixed by this mysterious object.

“I… I can hear voices…” Harry said suddenly.

The group turned to the young wizard, bewildered. He continued to be mesmerized by the archway.

“Harry… are you okay?” Hermione said.

“I… I think maybe we should go back…” Neville added.

“I can hear them too”.

The group abruptly turned again to Luna, both shocked and confused. She alone stood there, austerely gazing deep into the void without a trace of fear.

“What… what are they?” Harry asked.

“The voices of the dead”.

After wandering through the maze of rooms for what seemed an incalculable amount of time, the small group finally arrived in a long, dark hallway, filled with long, tall shelves, full of glass orbs of all shapes and sizes.

“Are you sure this is it?” Ron asked Harry.

“Yes”. He and Luna chimed in at the same time, and then looked at each other.

They walked around this massive space for what seemed like hours, until Ron stopped suddenly in front of one of the shelves.

“Come on Ron, we don’t have much time” Hermione said.

“Harry… this one’s got your name on it” he said, nervously pointing to a foggy globe perched on a metal stand.

Harry rushed back, and read the engraved message on the shelf in horror. He slowly extended his hands to grasp it, and lifted it in front of his face. From a distance, it seemed like there was someone whispering, just below audible range. Harry’s eyes widened with revelation.

“Harry…” Hermione said empathetically, placing her hand on his shoulder, “we might be too late”.

“On the contrary, you’re all right on time”.

They looked around to find the source of the voice. To their horror, a tall, robed figure emerged from the darkness in front of them, wearing a lustrous silver mask. Removing his disguise, Lucius Malfoy smiled maliciously.

“What are you doing here!? Where is Voldemort!?” Harry screamed, his voice quivering in frustration and fear.

“Hand me the prophecy, Potter.”

“Where is Sirius?”

“The Prophecy, Potter; then all will be clear”.

“WHERE IS SIRIUS!?” Harry shouted, breathing heavily.

“I’m afraid that Mister Black will not be joining us”.

“WHERE IS HE!?”

“The Prophecy, Potter. Give me the Prophecy.”

“No.”

“Accio Pro–” he began to say, until a heavy, metallic object suddenly came from nowhere and struck him in the temple, knocking him off of his feet.

“Run!” someone shouted.

Lucius quickly got up, seeing the projectile that had struck him on the floor. It was an ornate silver slipper, obviously not shaped for any human foot. Furling his brow in anger, Malfoy set off after the group.

Harry, Ron, Hermione, Neville, Ginny, and Luna ran through the desolate hallway, until two more masked figures appeared from the void, standing directly in their path. They turned around to run the other way, but quickly noticed themselves surrounded. Lucius Malfoy appeared, stepping through two Death Eaters to confront the group. Harry stepped forward to face him, but Malfoy just pushed him aside, instead staring directly at Luna. Defensively, she spread her wings to compensate for her slight disadvantage of height.

“You think you can save him?” he said, brandishing the discarded slipper in his hand, throwing it aside. It clinked as it ricocheted off the floor, vanishing into the abyss.

“As a matter of fact, I do” she said sardonically.

Outraged, Lucius backhanded her in the muzzle, and firmly grasped her jaw, peering directly into her eyes.

“The Dark Lord will make quick work of you” he hissed.

“Yeah, well, fuck you too”.

Desperately trying to keep composed, Lucius raised a long, crooked wand to her neck, and turned to a horrified Harry Potter.

“Give me the Prophecy, boy, or the horse dies”.

Luna looked at Harry, and Harry at Luna, and there was an instant comprehension between the two. Harry nodded, and slowly stepped towards the incandescent Malfoy, orb in hand. As he was holding out the object to the Death Eater’s twisted, trembling hand, however, a brilliant flash emerging from her horn blinded them both. Seizing her opportunity, Princess Luna broke free of Malfoy’s grasp, magically summoning a shockwave that threw all of the robed figures to the ground. Harry pocketed the Prophecy as the ragtag gang sped off again, shielded by a mystical blue aura generated by the alicorn.

Soon, the group found themselves again in the room with the mysterious archway, pursued by the Death Eaters. A ferocious battle ensued, spells flying wildly like fireworks about the room. Just when they were cornered, surrounded by their adversaries in front of the veil, a door opened behind them. Looking around, they saw Sirius Black standing in the doorway with mad eyes. Quickly, he fired a spell at the Death Eaters as he rushed into the room, shortly followed by Mad-Eye Moody, Remus Lupin, and Nymphadora Tonks. The sight of familiar, friendly faces brought relief to Harry, Ron, Ginny, Neville, Hermione, and Luna. Taking advantage of their opponents’ surprise, they all simultaneously launched spells at them, sending at least half toppling over.

Luna continued fighting in front of the archway, the sounds of hexes, curses, and the restless deceased polluting the air. She soon found herself adjacent to Sirius.

“Nice to see you again–” she said, pausing to fire a disarming spell at an approaching Death Eater, “Sirius”.

“The pleasure is–” he answered, whipping out a flash of blue-green light with his wand at another, “–all mine”.
“Avada Kedavra!”

Luna only had milliseconds to act after hearing the harsh words exit Lucius Malfoy’s mouth. In slow-motion, she saw the bolt of sickly green approach them. Thinking at the speed of light, she swiftly bucked Sirius Black away just as she was hit. The momentum of the spell caused her to fly sideways, and the black nothingness behind the cloak swallowed her whole. The raging skirmish seemed to pause momentarily as all in the room looked on astonished as the princess was thrown into nonexistence. Breaking the silence, Malfoy laughed a dry, heartless laugh as he slowly approached Black, immobilized on the stone floor.

“Who will save you now, Sirius?” he said mockingly.

As he raised his wand to finish the man off for good, Sirius noticed something strange happen. Lucius’ eyes were frozen, staring into the distance. A new appendage sprouted from his neck. The pointed iron spike plunged itself directly through his windpipe and out the other side, blood gently rippling from the open wound. As it was retracted, the Death Eater’s lips foamed red, and his eyes continued to search the infinity for something that wasn’t there. He unceremoniously collapsed forward, his blonde hair matted with red.

Lucius Malfoy was dead.

Luna scabbarded her weapon once more as she casually walked out of the black veil. Sirius, sitting up, looked upon in both horror and awe.

“I have a terrible problem of not dying when I’m supposed to,” she said, cracking a smile.

The sudden death of their commander weakened the Death Eaters significantly, to the point where they were easily defeated by the five students, four Order members, and Luna. The group was now gathered in the main hall of the Ministry, waiting for the proper authorities to arrive. The Death Eaters, now unconscious, sat tied up near one of the fireplaces. Malfoy’s corpse was covered in a black shroud and left on the floor. Suddenly, there was an explosion far down the hall. The calm group looked down to see what had caused the disturbance. Lord Voldemort emerged from the grey cloud of dust. Wands were raised, warnings were made, but with a wave of his hand the Dark Lord threw the group of wizards to the side, leaving only Luna seated on the floor, delicately cleaning and polishing her polearm. She looked up to the pale-faced wizard, not looking terrified or shocked, just slightly irked. Voldemort stood a few meters away, wand raised into striking position.

“It seems to kill Potter, I must kill you first” he said coldly.

“Yeah, good luck with that” she said, putting away her weapon and nonchalantly standing up, stretching her limbs.

“Do you imagine this is some sort of game?” he said.

“No, but if it is, you’re definitely losing”.

Without saying anything, Voldemort thrashed his wand, throwing out a burst of energy. Luna dodged it.

“I have been told you will be a worthy adversary”.

“Come at me, bro”.

There was a rapid dialogue of spells, curses and hexes. Harry and the rest could not help but watch helplessly from the side, prevented from interfering by some protective spell. The two duelers slowly circled each other in the heat of battle, matching every assault perfectly. Finally, there was a temporary pause in combat.

“Your move” she said.

Frowning with all of his might, Voldemort theatrically whipped his wand about his body before lashing it forward.
“AVADA KEDAVRA!”

A lime-coloured flare flew through the dead air. Smiling, Luna summoned forth all of the energy she could, before releasing it all in a mighty burst of midnight blue. The spells met in midair, and something strange happened. Instead of merely bouncing off one another, or canceling each other out, they combined, fibers of pure magical energy intertwining into a single point. Two blue-green flashes emerged from this singularity, striking both Voldemort and Luna directly. Their face were paralyzed in anguish as they were overcome with a bright light. The unfortunate spectators had to shield their eyes until the light subsided. When they looked upon the scene again, their jaws dropped in unison as they noticed two charred spots on the clean marble where two great sorcerers once stood.

They were gone.

The Return Home

Princess Celestia, Twilight Sparkle, Pinkie Pie, Rarity, Rainbow Dash, Applejack, Fluttershy, and Luna Lovegood were gathered around a low table in a seldom-used sunroom of Canterlot’s West Wing. The room was constructed in a pleasing Baroque style, its tall, ornate windows designed for a bygone era. The sun still hung high in the sky, having just begun its downward course. Despite the pleasant surroundings, this was not a casual soirée. This was a war council. Around the table, there were looks of fear, looks of disappointment, looks of confusion. Finally, Twilight broke the heavy silence.

“So… why didn’t it work?”

Princess Celestia sighed. “It is as Discord said. The portal can only be opened by the two most powerful sorcerers in a universe, and he is not one of them”.

“So we just have to find the second, right? I mean, you’re obviously first, Celestia” Pinkie Pie said in an oddly upbeat tone.

Twilight glared at her friend for not displaying proper respect for royalty, but the princess merely smiled.

“It would seem so, Pinkie” she said jovially, and then suddenly resumed her grim tone. “However, we have absolutely no information on this mysterious enchanter. Who knows how long it would take to find him or her? It could be months, it could be years, we may never find this sorcerer. And what will happen to Luna then?” she said, referring to both her sister and the young Ravenclaw seated to her right.

“So… what do we do?” Rainbow Dash inquired.

Celestia sighed again. “There is no other choice. We must search”.

Luna looked down. The interesting novelty of this fantasy had worn away, revealing only a strange and unfamiliar land. She hadn’t seen her friends, teachers, her father… anyone in what, Weeks? Months? She had lost track. She hated being alone, she hated being a stranger, she hated being a liability. Suddenly, studying her wand in her lap, a wild idea came to her, one that she couldn’t contain.

“What if… what if it’s me?” she said suddenly, catching the attention of the others.

“No offense, Luna, but you are only a student. There are many, many powerful magic users in this universe, many that are more skilled than you. I appreciate your willingness, though.”

Luna looked down again, disheartened. She felt useless, just stranded in this world, with no way out. She still had her wand in her hand. She began to wonder. She hadn’t done any magic since she’d freed Discord. Could she even do it anymore? She searched her mind for a spell, but nothing showed up. As the ponies continued their dialogue, tears slowly began to run down her face. One by one, her tablemates noticed her distress, and tried to comfort her. Applejack abruptly glared at Celestia, as if it was somehow her fault. Not wanting to damage the fragile girl any more, she sighed.

“It is worth a shot”.

Minutes later, Luna and Celestia stood side-by-side in the sunroom, facing the north wall from a distance. The sky had begun to paint itself pink with the coming twilight. Turning to each other, they nodded, faces showing resolute determination. Luna lifted her wand, and Celestia aimed her long, pearl-coloured horn. With lyrical precision, they recited in unison the mystic quatrain that provided an incantation, in High Old Equestrian. The archaic language resonated with fricatives, sharp and rough like oxidized iron. Celestia’s tone was clear and practiced, while Luna’s accent stuttered and hesitated, like any beginner to a foreign language. The instant the verse concluded, a brilliant beam of golden energy shone from both wand and horn, met in midair, spun about itself, and concluded in a point high in the air. As light and energy rapidly shone into this point, it expanded, eventually creating a large oval in the air. Pure, white light shone through the dimensional egress.

The clockwork mechanism of existence groaned as two gears clashed, two parallel existences coming together for a mere moment, pushed into each other by the sheer might of four powerful beings. The gears came together and flew apart just as quickly, propelled by entropy, until they once again came to rest in their usual position.

As the sun was setting over Canterlot, Celestia and Luna Lovegood were struggling to maintain their spell, both quivering under the force of the energy flowing through them, jamming the infallible workings of the space-time continuum. And then, it happened.

Instantaneously, something emerged from the portal. Barely visible, a flash of blue shot from the portal, directly striking Celestia in the face, breaking her concentration, and thus the spell.

As Princess Celestia opened her eyes, a set of cobalt blue ones looked back at her.

“Hey” Princess Luna said.

Epilogue

Minutes later, Luna (the alicorn) was seated at the table in the sun room, the last vestiges of the sun’s pink aura fading under the horizon. Luna (the human) was on the opposite side, looking a bit weakened by the powerful magic she had just performed, but otherwise okay. A much needed ration of hot tea had been brought at Celestia’s request. The Princess of the Day was still recovering a bit; her sister’s momentum was enough to give her a concussion, albeit a mild one. The initial shock had worn out; now came the awkward aftermath.

“So” Twilight said, trying to defrost the room’s icy atmosphere.

“It is good to see you again, my sister. I have missed you” Princess Luna finally said. A blanket had been laid over her shoulders; she was visibly shivering.

“Oh, come on now. You didn’t miss me one bit”.

It might have been the mild brain damage, or it might have just been the relationship between the two, but Celestia’s tone seemed unusually casual. Luna laughed softly, staring into the liquid abyss of the steaming mug held between her hooves.

“If I’ve learned anything, Tia,” she said, carefully sipping her tea, “It’s that I can always rely on you not to screw things up while I’m gone”.

“You do seem to disappear quite often” Celestia replied. The gang from Ponyville seemed a bit bewildered at the apparent lack of gentility between the royal sisters.

“Although I don’t always want to” Luna deadpanned. It was as if the inter-dimensional void had taken something from her, almost as if she was just coming back to life.

“Well, anyway,” her sister said, sighing and looking out the magnificent glass windows to see a final streak of light fall behind the curtain of night. “It’s good to have you back. I’m getting tired of doing your job, Luna”.

Luna laughed again, this time looking up and smiling at her sister. Suddenly, she noticed the lone human on the other side of the table, and the smile nearly vanished. She looked worse for wear, her blonde hair frizzled and matted, her scholarly robes tattered and disheveled. Sensing her attention, Luna Lovegood looked the princess straight in the eyes, and there was a certain understanding between the two, an uncommon sympathy.

“So” the Princess said affably, still looking at her companion. “You’re Miss Lovegood. I think you may have some studies to catch up on”.

Luna Lovegood laughed once, a chuckle that faded into melancholy. She didn’t seem to care that she was speaking to royalty, didn’t care that she was imponderably distant from Hogwarts, didn’t care about anything.

“Can… can I go home now?”

The inter-dimensional spell proved no match for the two ancient princesses. Again the poetic chant was spoken, this time by two tongues in perfect synchronization, speaking their native language. The crevasse opened gladly, white light shining into the darkened room. Saying nothing but nodding gratefully, Luna Lovegood stepped through and was consumed by the light.

The mood in the Great Hall was jovial. It was the End of Year feast, and all of the students (minus one) were gathered at the tables, merrily exchanging banter, contact information, and generally having a good time. The Hall was decked from floor to ceiling in amber and black, Hufflepuff having won the House Cup for the first time in one hundred and thirty-six years due to a minor error in the points system. Even the Slytherins didn’t seem to mind the upstaging. It was a good time for wizards; Voldemort had disappeared months ago. Professor Dumbledore’s face shined with a youthful grin, his cheeks as red as Fuji apples. Occasionally, though, he looked to the vacant seat to his left. The Defence Against the Dark Arts professor had disappeared along with the Dark Lord, and hadn’t been seen since. Since exams had already passed, however, there was no great rush to find a replacement.

Suddenly, a great wind from seemingly nowhere began to whip through the atrium. Goblets of pumpkin juice were overturned, hundreds of wizard caps escaped their owners and took to the sky, windows slammed open to let the wind through. In the middle of the center aisle, a line was drawn in the air from a few meters up down to the ground, like a sword cutting a sail. Individual rays of light shone through. Suddenly, the line expanded, becoming a sort of convex oval, almost touching the students seated at the nearby tables. A shadow emerged from the other side, and slowly increased in size until it became that of a human. Luna Lovegood stepped out of the portal and onto the granite floor. As soon as she disembarked, the passageway shut like a zipper, sounding like a vacuum cleaner. Professor Dumbledore stood up.

“Welcome back, Miss Lovegood,” he said, “We have been waiting for you”.

A singular light flooded into the caverns, reflecting off of every crystalline surface until the subterranean world was as bright as the morning sun. The source of the sudden illumination floated inches above Princess Luna’s horn as she panned through the ancient cave system, her determined expression imitated in hundreds of quartz mirrors. It was just past midnight and she was at least a mile below Canterlot; she had escaped the castle unseen. Finally, she reached the corridor she was searching for, and gleefully cantered in, the floor narrowing and the ceiling lowering until she was almost crawling. After what seemed like ages, she emerged from a small hole into a large rotunda, a circular atrium with walls of shining crystal, reminiscent of a Baroque cathedral. She focused her attention on the massive object in the centre of the room.

Magic, as many academic wizards and witches have noticed through the ages, is not definite. It can be warped, stretched, contracted, and manipulated in almost any way if one knows how. This underground chamber was constructed for this purpose. Its walls were carved to reflect and refract magical energy, concentrating and focusing it, its mystical acoustics perfectly tuned. Most had forgotten about this place, or written it off as a mere novelty. It served no practical purpose to most, as the extreme amplification of energy was concealed within, unable to be used without. Luna, however, had not forgotten.

Still remembering the incantation, she once again recited the portal spell, her lone voice echoing in the empty room. A burst of white light shot out from her horn. It impacted high on the wall directly opposite her, and split into two beams, which then snaked their way around the rotunda until finally meeting in the centre, their individual magnitudes now greater than the original. With a polyphonic moan, the fabric of existence was once again ripped open, and the warm light shone on her face. Closing her eyes, she stepped through the portal and into Dumbledore’s office.

A Disturbance in Ravenclaw Tower

Professor Dumbledore jogged briskly down the corridor on his way to Ravenclaw Tower. Normally, he wouldn’t get involved in a disturbance in the student dorms, but Flitwick said that this was no ordinary disturbance. He climbed the spiral staircase from the fifth floor and arrived at the large wooden door. He placed a thin, bony hand upon the brass eagle and knocked twice. A voice from nowhere asked:

“At night they come without being fetched. By day they are lost without being stolen. What are they?”

“The stars”, Dumbledore said in his ever calm and reassuring voice. The door found satisfaction with his answer, and swung open before him. A large crowd was gathered in the common room. Gently pushing his way through the confused mass of students past the statue of Rowena Ravenclaw, he opened the door to the girls’ room. The students had already been evacuated from here, leaving Filius Flitwick alone between two rows of four-poster beds lined up on either wall. The abnormally short man breathed an audible sigh of relief as he saw Dumbledore enter.

“You’d better have a look at this” he said, gesturing to one of the beds near the centre of the room. Dumbledore stood in front of him, his tall, lanky form dwarfing that of the Charms professor, and turned his gaze to the bed, which was magically inscribed with L. LOVEGOOD upon a small brass plaque upon the footboard. He raised a single brow with inquisitiveness and bewilderment.

The bed was occupied, not with the student whose name graced the frame, but rather by a small equine creature, deep blue in colour, with a shadowy mane that shimmered in the morning light. The creature was wearing no clothing, save for four slippers of luminescent blue glass, a necklace bearing the image of a crescent moon, and a tiara of midnight blue that highlighted the horn on her forehead. She seemed to be sleeping quite peacefully. Dumbledore was at a loss for words.

“What do you suppose?” asked Professor Flitwick, ever curious of the labyrinthine workings of the great wizard’s mind.

“I suppose,” said Dumbledore, “that there is a horse in this bed”.

Flitwick frowned at the headmaster’s quip. “The student, Luna Lovegood, has disappeared”.

“Interesting” was all that Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore, Headmaster of Hogwarts School and former Chief Wizard of the Wizengamot, could verbalize.

Suddenly, the interesting creature in the bed began to stir. Professors Flitwick and Dumbledore responded immediately by drawing their wands at the same time. They looked as if prepared for a duel, when the thing in the bed finally regained consciousness.

“Ugh… what a strange dream” thought Princess Luna, still a bit asleep. “I should have the Night Guard bring some tea before I raise the moon tonight. If Celestia thinks–” Her train of thought was instantly derailed, killing hundreds of metaphorical civilians, when she opened her eyes to the sight of two strange creatures, dressed in ridiculous costume and pointing some sort of sticks towards her. “Uh– Hello?” she said, a bit nervous and very confused. The creatures reeled back, as if surprised by the very fact that she could speak. She looked around. She was no longer in her own bedroom, but in some strange, communal one.

“Who are you? And what are you doing here?” asked the short one, still holding that ridiculous twig in his hand.

“Uh– I am Princess Luna, and, er, frankly–” looking around again at her surroundings, “I don’t know, really”. The tall, bearded one put away his stick, but the short one still remained in a defensive position.

“What do you think, Headmaster?” he said, looking to the tall one.

“I think,” he said, straightening a pair of glasses that hung in front of his deep blue eyes. “that she is just about as confused as we are”.

It was almost dusk, and the brilliant sun was approaching the horizon in cloud of red, orange, and purple. Princess Celestia breathed deeply, and sighed.

“Luna should be up by now. I wonder where she is?” she thought to herself. Suddenly, she was almost knocked off of her feet by a loud BANG emerging from the lower floors of the castle. She galloped as fast as she could, trying to find the source of this cacophony. She was close to falling down the castle stairs when the percussive hammering repeated. She followed the noise, until she found herself in the corridor leading to her sister’s room. To her surprise, she found a large company of Royal Guards, hoisting a large tree trunk towards the door. The Guards were about to have another go at the oaken portals when they suddenly heard a thunderous voice exclaim “STOP!”

They dropped their makeshift battering ram and turned to Princess Celestia.

“What is the meaning of this‽” She said, confused and slightly afraid.

“It’s Princess Luna. She’s locked the doors and she won’t say why”.

Typical, thought Celestia. My little sister, up to her old antics.

“I’ll settle this” she said, giving a sigh. She approached the door, and tried to listen in. Nothing.

“Luna, what are you doing in there?” she asked, trying to find out what her sister was doing in her room when it was almost time for her to perform her royal duties. No answer. She gave another sigh, and raised her magic horn. With a cloud of cream-coloured magic, the door unlocked. She nudged them open, and was surprised by what was inside.

She was not greeted by the sight of her younger sister, but by a confused-looking young girl. The stranger did not seem very troubled by her appearance. She turned her head like a deer in the road approached by an oncoming car. She was wearing long robes, with a strange coat of arms on the left breast. Light blonde hair fell over her shoulders, and two blue eyes were transfixed upon the sight of Celestia.

“Oh. Hello” she said, apparently undisturbed by the sudden appearance of a large equine deity in the room.

The Princess and the Potter

That night, there was a stranger present in the Great Hall of Hogwarts Castle. There was hardly a student who didn’t notice the appearance of the midnight-blue pony next to Professor Snape, whose sulking frown seemed to have dropped by a few degrees. However, not Dumbledore nor any of the other teachers said anything. Harry Potter was sitting at the Griffindor table, when his friend Hermione pointed out the unexpected addition to the teacher’s table.

“Harry,” she said, “do you know who– or what that is next to Snape?” Harry looked up from his meal and was taken aback a little at the sight of the alicorn princess, who had apparently forsaken the dinner entirely and was now devouring a large pile of Cauldron Cakes.

“No idea. You don’t figure it’s something of Hagrid’s?” Hermione frowned.

“If it was Hagrid’s, why would it be at the staff table?”

“Maybe,” interjected Ron Weasley, through a mouthful of potatoes, “It’s another scheme by Professor Umbridge.” As he said this, however, Umbridge began to leer at the strange creature, who in turn shot a death glance back at the magenta monstrosity.

“Definitely not” said Hermione.

The mystery was as yet unsolved when, after the dinner was finished, Professor McGonagall tapped a silver goblet with a golden spoon, and called the students to attention with her Scottish brogue, as Professor Dumbledore stood up to speak.

“As some of you,” he said, glancing in Harry’s general direction, “may have noticed, we have a new addition to the staff at Hogwarts School. I would like to introduce you all to Princess Luna” he said, pointing in the general direction of the equine, whose face was now almost covered in an even layer of orange frosting. She smiled sheepishly and nodded. Dumbledore chuckled under his breath. “Princess Luna arrived, rather unexpectedly this morning. Until such time when we can return her to her own world, so to speak, she has expressed a desire to observe some of the classes at our distinguished school. I expect you all to welcome her and treat her as an honoured guest.” He began to clap in a polite way, and the teachers followed suit (with the exception of one Dolores Umbridge), and then the students joined in. Luna, slightly embarrassed, raised a napkin to clean up what she hadn’t already licked off. Dumbledore dismissed the students, and they all returned to their dorms, a bit curious of this newcomer.

After the students and most of the staff had left, Luna was approached by an absolutely grotesque old man, accompanied by a silver cat with blood-red eyes.

“Mr. Filch, I presume?” she said, a bit nervous.

“Aye. Let me show yeh’ to yer’ room.” He then turned away, the cat following him, and walked to a large chamber filled with stairs, which moved from landing to landing randomly. Without giving any sign to Luna, he began to ascend a stairwell, then another, and another, until he found himself on the seventh floor. He turned around, and was shocked to find the princess not there. Before he could look, though, she landed with a THUD on the top stair and folded away a pair of indigo wings. Argus Filch made a disgusted sound, and silently led her to a small oaken door. Without a word, both he and the cat turned away, leaving her to her own devices. She opened the door, located the bed, and immediately fell asleep despite the jetstreams of sucrose in her royal blood. She woke up to the sounds of students scurrying about in the hall. She went to leave, when she found a schedule in the hand of Albus Dumbledore on parchment nailed to the door, with directions to each room.

Severus Snape sighed as he began another notch in the endless succession of days that was his miserable life. His already-subterranean mood was not improved by the arrival of a certain blue pony to his gloomy Potions classroom. The students all looked for a second as she took a seat near the back of the room.

“I’d like you all to welcome our esteemed guest,” he said in his normal monotonic drawl to a group of fourth-year Hufflepuffs and Slytherins, “who has.. excitingly selected to observe our class this morning”. His speech was once likened to that of a suicidal NPR reporter.

“The instructions,” he said as if delivering an extremely nihilistic version of This American Life, “are on the blackboard, as usual. Attempt not to create any explosions”. He then withdrew to his desk, which is where he usually went to consider all of his failures.

The art of potion-making was not in the least foreign to Luna, however some of the ingredients selected by Professor Snape for this, a potion that was apparently the antidote to love potions, seemed a bit obscure. She was doing very well, until she encountered a snag in step twelve.

Stir six times clockwise with wand.

With a wand? Were those the sticks that all of these wizards carried? Was she supposed to receive one? She guessed not, for as she looked around the room, the other students seemed to have their own wands. She thought for a second that she would fail this class, until she remembered that she wasn’t being graded but was here of her own volition. Still, she was determined to get this potion right. Sighing, she slowly lowered her head and placed her long, navy-blue horn into the brew and began to awkwardly stir with it…

“What are you doing?”

The voice of Professor Snape, who now didn’t seem so much disappointed but curious, scared her, and as she looked up, she caught the rim of her cauldron, and sent a spray of green liquid across the room, until it finally landed atop her head, cauldron and all, and began to run down her neck and mane. The other students looked away from their potions towards the unicorn, and began to laugh until Snape quieted them with his normal leer.

I’m not very good at this, thought Luna.

Her next class wasn’t until after lunch (at which she again ignored everything except dessert). She was excited to see a class called ‘Defence against the Dark Arts’, until she walked into the room and saw the fat, rose-coloured abcess that was called Dolores Umbridge.

Professor Umbridge said nothing about the visitor to the class of fifth-years, only told them to put away their wands and begin reading Chapter Eleven of Dark Arts Defence: Basics for Beginners, which Luna found a tattered copy of on her desk. After a good quarter of an hour in which nothing particularly exciting happened, she raised a hoof to ask a question. Professor Umbridge tried to ignore it as long as possible, until at least half of the class had noticed as well.

“Yes, Miss Luna?” She asked, a sour tinge to her voice.

“Would it not be more helpful if the students were to practice these spells in class?”

Her question caught the attention of most of the class, which included Harry, Ron, and Hermione, who had all asked the same on the very first day of school. Dolores’ face twisted into an awful shape, then sprang back into its standard cheeky smile.

“There is no situation that would ever require the use of these spells in class, Miss Luna”. The sour tinge had now accrued into a cupful, and was almost enough to make a glass of metaphorical lemonade.

“Well, surely–”

“Sorry to interrupt, Miss Luna, but I do not believe you are a Ministry-trained expert in the Dark Arts.”

“Well, no, but–”

“I also do not believe you scored an Outstanding in your Defence O.W.L., so–”

“The point is–”

“The point, Miss Luna, is that I am the teacher of this class, whereas you are no more than a–”

“YOU HAVE NO IDEA OF THE POWERS WE POSSESS, OF THE MILLENNIUM WE HAVE SPENT IN EXILE, OF THE WAYS WE KNOW OF THE DARK ARTS IN A WAY WHICH YOUR MORTAL MIND COULD NEVER UNDERSTAND”

Her eyes glowed white with fury, and a few students in front of her had been blown out of their seats by the sheer power of a well-executed use of the Royal Canterlot Voice. Dolores Umbridge’s face turned the same ugly shade of pink as her sweater, as she slowly edged her way towards the door. As she left, the class erupted into applause as she regained her breath.

That evening, after observing a Herbology class (which had miraculously occurred without a single disturbance on her part), she tiredly flew up to the seventh floor, and threw herself into bed. However, there was a disturbance from the next room which prevented her from falling asleep. Irritated at the noise, she went to the hall to investigate. To her surprise, there was no door next to hers for a while. Confused, she walked the length of the hall, then back, then again, only wanting to find the source of the cacophony. As she gave up to return to her chambers, though, she noticed a large iron door, that she could’ve sworn was not their the last time. This was definitely the room from which the din originated. Opening the door, she was surprised to find a large group of students, who immediately noticed her presence. Distracted by Luna’s entry, a tall, lanky boy was thrown back by a charm launched by a black-haired boy with glasses opposite him, who had seen her arrive a second later.

“Oh…. sorry….” she whispered, as she slowly shut the door.

Professor Luna

“I still think this is a terrible way to travel” said Luna, emerging from the fireplace in Professor Dumbledore’s office, blowing green embers off of her wings. The professor looked up from his papers.

“I have been expecting you, Luna”.

“You don’t say,” she said facetiously.

Dumbledore chucked, adjusting his small glasses. He set down what he was working on, and rose to greet the blue alicorn.

“You may be shocked to learn that we are a bit understaffed of present”.

“Oh?” she said, faking bafflement.

“Dolores Umbridge has been relieved of her duties as Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher. It seems the Ministry has been shown evidence of her…. unusual teaching methods."

“If that’s what you call it,” said Luna, under her breath. “But, how could you sack her? I thought she was the Grand Inquisitioner, or whatever?”

“I will remind you that I am still the headmaster of this school”.

“Oh…. right.” she said.

“Now then. As I have said, we are short one teacher for this term. I wanted to ask if you–”

“Yes”.

“I did not even ask you the question, Princess Luna”.

“You didn’t need to” she retorted.

“Who do you think Dumbledore got to replace Umbridge?” asked Hermione as the Gryffindors left breakfast, heading towards the familiar classroom.

“I think it’s Lupin, although he didn’t tell us over Christmas” said Ron.

“He couldn’t hire Lupin, he’s a werewolf” Harry added.

“Whoever it is, they won’t last long”.

“Of course” Harry went over a list of previous professors, Order of the Phoenix members, and Aurors, but couldn’t think of a single wizard that wasn’t a wanted criminal, a puppet of the Ministry, dead, or otherwise unable to take the job.

And then it hit him.

“Say, have either of you seen Luna since we’ve been back?”

“No,” Ron said, “I haven’t seen her since we left Grimmauld”.

Harry suddenly dashed up the stairs, running towards the Defence Against the Dark Arts class. A group of students were clustered around the closed doors, as clueless as Harry, Ron, and Hermione.

“Harry, what’s wrong?” Hermione said, trying to catch her breath.

Suddenly, the closed doors flew open in a flash of blue. The students entered the room like a flood, only to find the desks, chairs, and books with which they had become accustomed were gone. In their place was a long wooden stage, covered in a lavender cloth. A familiar equine stood at the far end. A pair of black-framed fake glasses gave her an appearance of intellectualism. Harry, Ron, and Hermione stood petrified.

“Welcome, class”.

“My name is Professor Luna”.

Defence Against the Dark Arts as taught by Luna was about one trillion times better than the class under Umbridge. There was no torture, for one. The class was obviously inspired by the lessons of Dumbledore’s Army. Most of class had become somewhat familiar with her in the fall, but some were a bit uncomfortable with their new instructor. On her first day, still very unfamiliar with the points system, she had unknowingly awarded one thousand points to a Hufflepuff third-year for correctly identifying a boggart, leaving Argus Filch to clean up the shower of golden crystals which had suddenly materialized in the now-broken hourglass in the Great Hall. After that, her students were still terrified, but content that they had a competent teacher that wasn’t sadistic, an impersonator, a fraud, a werewolf, or hiding a dark wizard on the back of their head (not that they hadn’t checked).

“Now, who would like to volunteer?” she asked, frowning as not a single hand was raised. She looked at Potter, who just shrugged.

“Ah– Mr. Longbottom, would you like to demonstrate for the class?”

Neville Longbottom, standing as close to the door as humanly possible, was paralyzed with fear, his face pale. He began to slowly walk up to the stage opposite Luna with a march not entirely unlike that of a man on death row.

“Now, (don’t be afraid, I’m not going to hurt you), would you care to demonstrate what you’ve learned about fighting Death Eaters to the class?”

Neville raised his stiff arm, holding the wand quiveringly towards the princess. She smiled.

“E… Ex…. Expelliarmus!”

A scarlet bolt flew from the end of his wand and struck her in the face. She didn’t even blink.

“Very good, Mr. Longbottom, but it’s very difficult to disarm someone when their weapon is also attached to their face” she said, as the class began to laugh. She silenced them effectively with a single raised hoof.

“How about trying a Shield Charm, then?’

Neville made no reply, but slowly nodded his head.

“Uh… Pro…. Protego!” he said, and a blue flash of light met a similar one from Luna’s horn, overcame it, and struck her. She was thrown into the air, across the room, and, to the horror of the entire class, directly out an open window. Neville fainted as the pegasus went plummeting from the classroom, which was unfortunately on the top floor of a high tower. The rest of the class rushed to watch her fall, crowding the window. Just as they noticed the lack of a corpse on the castle grounds, a shattering sound was heard from the other side of the room. The students turned around, shocked to see their professor standing directly in front of the newly broken window, brushing shards of glass out of her mane.

“Good work, Neville, although you may find me quite difficult to kill. Twenty points to Gryffindor.”

The Canterlot Dungeons

No matter what the dominant species or level of technology, most dungeons tend to look very similar. For this reason, when Luna Lovegood awoke, she believed that she had somehow gotten back to her world, as the lower chambers of castles Hogwarts and Canterlot were not entirely completely different. The illusion was somewhat broken when a brawny grey pegasus about her height came into the room, dressed in black armor, and stood at attention in front of her. Always the social butterfly, Luna attempted to strike up a conversation.

“Oh, Hello. Who are you?”

“The prisoner shall not speak unless spoken to” answered the pegasus, austerely.

“Where am I?”

“The prisoner shall not speak unless spoken to”.

“Have you ever seen a crumple-horned snorkack?”

“The prisoner shall not speak unless spoken t– wait, what?” the pegasus answered, breaking his stone-like concentration to stare confusedly at the prisoner. He snapped back, however, when the oaken door opened once again and another armored pegasus of the same build escorted a white alicorn and a small purple unicorn into the dimly-lit room. Luna recognized them both.

“You are relieved, Sergeant. I’ll take it from here” the tall white one said. The grey pegasus raised one hoof in salute, and then hastily backpedaled out of the room, leaving the two ponies and the confused witch alone in the depths of Equestria’s capital.

“Am I in trouble?” Luna asked, utterly oblivious of her situation.

“We know what you’re up to! We–” the purple one began to say, before being silenced by the other one.

“I am Princess Celestia, as you may know. This is my student, Twilight Sparkle. We need to ask you a few questions” the alicorn said, placidly.

“First, how did you come to be in my sister’s room?”

“I don’t know”.

“Tell the truth, please. The oubliettes here haven’t been used for a while, but they should still be in order”.

“I don’t know. I was just in my own bed, at Hogwarts, and then… I woke up there”.

“Hogwarts?” interjected Twilight, confused.

“It’s a school for young witches and wizards. A magic school” Luna reliped.

“So you ARE magic!” Twilight said.

“Well, yes, I guess”.

“So, you are a student at this school?” Celestia asked.

“Yes, I’m a fifth year”.

“Where is this school?”

“Britain. Scotland, more specifically”.

“Where is that, Princess?” Twilight said, her geographical knowledge having failed her for the first time.

“I– I’m not sure, my student” she said, then turned back to Luna. “Do you know where my sister is?”

“No”.

“Are you sure?”

“I don’t even know who your sister is.”

“Luna, princess of the night. We have ruled the heavens since time immemorial. And now she is gone again”.

“That’s…. that’s my name.”

“I know. And I’m not quite sure that it’s a coincidence” Celestia said. “Is it true that you released Discord?”

“What?”

“Discord. The statue in the Royal Gardens”.

“Oh, you mean the Slovenian Suqenocard”.
The Princess and her student, bewildered, looked at Luna, then at each other, at Luna once again, then at each other, and then finally stared at Luna again.

“A– What‽” Twilight asked.

“A Slovenian Suqenocard. There was a picture of it in the Quibbler”.

“And what is the Quibbler?” Celestia inquired, in her tone implying the existence and availability of several torture chambers in the subterranean catacombs.

“It’s a magazine. My father is the editor. I had a copy with me…”

“How did you free him?” Twilight added.

“Oh, a simple destatifying spell. Harry taught it to me.”

“Harry?” Celestia said.

“I do hope they come back soon,” Rarity said, sitting at a table in a Canterlot café with her friends.

“I wonder what they’re doing..” Pinkie Pie said. “What if they’re having a party? I can’t miss a party!”

“Ah’ doubt that they’re havin’ a hoedown, Pinkie”.

“Yeah, Pinkie. I don’t think Celestia throws parties for criminals” Rarity added.

“What if it’s a You’re-Going-To-Jail party?”
Rarity and Applejack just stood there, confused, until Rainbow Dash entered, almost breaking the door off of its hinges.

“Hey guys! Look what I found!” she said, proudly displaying a discarded tabloid.

“An… an old newspaper or something? Ugh, why would you pick up that garbage?” Rarity said, as the article was placed in the centre of the table.

“Uh, Rainbow, where exactly did’ja find this?” Applejack asked.

“Someone just left it in the Royal Gardens, right where Discord’s statue is”.

“The…. Quibbler?” Pinkie Pie said.