Prologue: Stream of (un)Consciousness
Daring Do was in danger. No, it wasn't just danger; it was super-dangerous ultra danger! The kind that most ponies would take one look at and run away from, screaming "help! Help! Danger! Danger on the loose! Save me, Princess Celestia!" But what kind of specific dangers did she face, you ask? Why, she faced... she faced...
Buck it, what kind of danger was it? C'mon, think Dash, think! And nothing cliched! This isn't one of those froo-froo romance books like the kind Rarity gobbles up. I gotta be creative. Think outside the box! I gotta - wait, is this thing still typing? Argh! Okay, don't panic, let's just simmer down and try to figure out how to make that little paragraph go away. I think it's... this button? Ack! I didn't want to do that! Undo! Undo!
Did it work? Oh hey, it worked. Geez. I don't know how Pinkie got her hooves on this enchanted typewriter, but I can totally understand why she'd want to unload it. What kind of useless gizmo records everything you say, and doesn't even let you undo any of it? Lamest yard sale purchase ever. Sure hope Apple Bloom's faring better with that ouija board.
Maybe I should just forget it. I mean, how much writing can I honestly get done with this? I think about as quickly as I fly, and I talk to myself a lot - like, a lot a lot. All my awesome prose is gonna get lost in all my totally deep... uh... self-talking-to. But then, I spent good bits on this piece of junk, even if it is... well, a piece of junk. Ah, screw it. This is too cool of an idea to let it go to waste. And I guess it helps that it records every thing I say. That means I can go back and reread my super-cool thought process.
Okay, so, back to the drawing board. Think, Dash. Daring Do was in super-dangerous ultra danger. She was being... chased? Attacked? Harassed? Somewhat inconvenienced by? Uh... all of the above! Aw yeah, that's creative AND hardcore. Rainbow Dash, you are a creative genius! Now, to get that on paper.
Daring Do was in super-dangerous ultra danger! Dangers presented themselves all around her! A tremendous ape - no, an octopus ape! With eight tentacles, but instead of tentacles, they were swords, and instead of being an ape, it was a... fire elemental! And the swords were red-hot, because fire makes metal get super hot! And they were swinging around at her like... like a blender! Like she was cilantro and onions and tomatoes, and it was trying to chop her up and turn her into a delicious salsa for everypony to dip corn chips into and enjoy!
Ugh. For some reason, thinking about ponies getting turned into food just... makes my wings and hooves ache. Feels like my skin is crawling. Aw, suck it up, Dash. You're a writer! If you're getting freaked out by something you wrote, it just means you're doing your job right!
So, let's see. Fiery-bladed elementapus attacking her. So what was harassing her? Uh. I guess it depends on what I mean by "harassing". Maybe like the kind of harassment I nearly put Thunderlane in a sling for? Ah! Awesome, Dash. That's gritty and realistic. Readers eat that up. Eat it up like... chunky salsa. Brr, there goes my skin again.
Back to the story. Swing-swing-swing, went the elementapus's fire-swords! Daring Do dodged under and around his attacks, knowing better than to try hitting him back, because he was made out of fire, and fire bucking hurts. "Whoo, Daring Do," said the elementapus, after getting an eyefull of olive-coated flank. "You are getting me hot!"
Heh. I'm so clever. I bet I could write those romance novels no problem-o.
That's attacked and harassed. Two down. Now, for the mild inconvenience... hmm... aha! Daring Do, disgusted by the elementapus's cheap, Summer Flight Camp-tier pick-up line, flitted away, darting for safety in a nearby tree, only to find, to her dismay... a toll booth!
A toll booth? I can't believe I thought that. That can't be the best I got. This writing business is tougher than I thought. Think I'll check out for a moment for some brain food. Time to raid the fridge!
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Let's see here... for crying out loud! Why didn't anypony tell me my fridge was this grody?! Come to think of it, when was the last time I cleaned it out? Hmm. I guess that's just something to add to my to-do list. Where is that little - aha! Okay, so... hmm dee hmm hmm, writing, writing... hmm hmm hmm Cutie Mark Cruhmhm... hmm hmm hmhmhmhm who we are... never stop the... right, okay. Penciled in. After I finish writing the greatest Daring Do story of all time, this fridge has got a date with a sponge and a half a gallon of cleaner. Your days are numbered, grimy-ass food locker!
*grumblegrowlgrumblegrumble*
Alright, alright, sheesh. Quiet down, stomach. I'm on it. What've we got in here? Half-eaten Canterlot Cantalope Canapé? How old IS this? *sniff* Eesh. That's not royal wedding mold, that's garden party mold. I have REALLY got to step up my game on this. Better make it a whole gallon of cleaner. What else have we - oh, horseapples, a jar of jelly? I could get in trouble for having this, after that whole Smooze business last year. Should probably ditch it in a lake, or something.
Mold, mold, more mold - hey, cheese! Wait, no. It's just chunky milk. Well, that's basically what cheese is... might be tasty... mm, better not risk it. One trip to the hospital is one too many for one lifetime.
Cripes, it's like there's nothing in here! I don't wanna have to go out again; I don't get paid until Tuesday, and I'm already way overbudget. That typewriter set me back a lot more than I thought it would. And Pinkie swore I was getting it on a discount, too. I guess that's why she isn't the Element of Honesty.
I can't believe I live like this. If I wasn't so totally awesome in every other respect, I might be self-conscious about it.
Better run to the store. Be nice if they made planters out of clouds. I could keep a fern in every room; wouldn't ever find myself in a situation like this. Earth ponies and unicorns don't know how easy they got it.
Whatever. I'll just do some quick revision on what I've got so far, and then I'll hit the market. That is, assuming I don't get caught up in reading my awesome narration and thought process.
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Does this thing ever shut off?!
