King of Chaos

by ProfCharles

Rating: teen
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Princess Cadance, Dark, Alternate Universe, Romance, Comedy, Random, Adventure, Discord, Princess Celestia, Pinkie Pie, Twilight Sparkle
Length: 9179

When Discord defeated the Alicorn sisters during the War of Chaos, he declared himself King of All Equestria. Now, 3000 years later, he rules with the help of his Royal Mage, Twilight Sparkle and Pinkie Pie, his Jester.

When Discord defeated the Alicorn sisters during the War of Chaos, he declared himself King of All Equestria, banishing Celestia to the Mirrorworld and turning Luna into a shadow. Now, 3000 years later, he rules with the help of his Royal Mage, Twilight Sparkle and Pinkie Pie, his Royal Jester. Together, the trio go on many strange adventures thorugh a world of chaos.

But Twilight holds a secret that could end Discord's rule.

Assuming she can stay sane long enough, that is.

Published 2013-01-05 01:20:01 UTC
Last updated 2013-01-17 18:58:45 UTC

Chapter 1

“Twilight! Wakey-wakey!” a voice yelled into the purple Unicorn’s ear, waking her up with a fright. Jumping up, her legs became tangled with her bedsheets, causing her to tumble to the floor.

“Ow.” Twilight nursed her head, turning to glare at the fiend that had disturbed her sleep. “Pinkie, why did you have to be so loud?”

Pinkie giggled, her royal jester hat jingling as the bells bobbed up and down. “It's time for Royal court, silly! And I could have just carried you there whilst you slept, but the last time I did that you got so angry, I thought you were going to banish me to the moon or something! Hah, I wonder what it's like to live on the moon, I bet we could have lots of adventures!” She pulled out a map from under her hat, folded it into another hat and placed it on her head, before grabbing Twilight around the shoulders with one foreleg and pointing the other at some far flung location only she could see. “Think of it! We could be Pinkie and Twilight—adventurers on the moon!”

“Thats nice Pinkie,” Twilight said, not paying attention as she pulled herself out of Pinkie’s grasp and gathered her mages robes. “But it can’t be time for court, it's only—” she glanced at the clock against the wall, only to flinch as the travesty against physics came into view. “—quarter past watermelon. You know court doesn't start for another fifteen ducks.”

“Yeah, but Dissy thought it would be funny if we held court early today.” Pinkie said, edging towards the door. “And you don’t want to be late again, do you?”

Twilight froze, an expression of horror coming over her face. “...So much Gak...” she whispered, lost in some horrible memory. Pinkie Pie, seeing her friend frozen, bounced over to her and waved a hoof in her face. When this elected no reaction from the Unicorn mare, Pinkie decided to bring out the big guns. Rooting around in her pink mane with a hoof, she pulled out an air horn, however before she got to use it Twilight snapped out of her daydream and disarmed the Earth pony with a flash of magic. “Pinkie! No, bad jester!” Twilight levitated the air horn onto a high shelf, where Pinkie should be unable to reach, although she held little hope of this. Stranger things have happened, after all. “And anyway, you shouldn’t call him... that, his name is, ahem, ‘His Grand Majestic Highness King Discord the First and Last’.”

Pinkie giggled at the grandiose name their King had chosen for himself, putting the air horn back away in her mane. “I know, but Dissy sounds so much funner.” She edged closer to the door. “Are you ready to go now?”

“Yes, yes, I’m ready. Let us go meet our King,” Twilight said irritably, leaving her room and stepping into the maelstrom that was the Castle of Chaos. Fixtures and furniture hung from the walls and ceilings in all the wrong places, the laws of gravity were applied erratically at best and absent at worst, incompressible, swirling designs lined the floors and the walls moved and shifted, creating a new labyrinthian layout every 3.14 minutes (except on Tuesdays. You don’t want to know what happens on Tuesdays).

Home sweet home, in other words.

“Right then,” Pinkie said, concentrating, “we need to go this way.” She pointed her hoof at a blank wall moments before a door materialised in it. The two mares swiftly walked through the portal and down another corridor of twisted architecture. Twilight shook her head, partly in wonder, partly in confusion. Even after knowing the strange mare for several years, she had never quite figured out how she was able navigate the maze that was their home. Even Discord had gotten lost once, although he vehemently denied it. After walking down many corridors, past servants, spots of warped reality, abominations of nature and many other such things, they made it to King Discords throne room. Placing their hooves against the grandiose, golden doors at the same time, they pushed them open revealing a perfectly empty room, devoid of both the King and his many nobles.

“Huh,” Pinkie said, frowning in thought. “I could have sworn court was supposed to have started early today.”

“Pinkie...” Twilight growled menacingly.

“I mean, really,” the pink pony carried on chatting obviously, “when I woke up, I had a floppy knee, and that means that court is going to start early. Well, that or a friend is going to be annoyed with me, but I don’t think thats the case, right Twilight?” She shot her friend a smile, which faded upon seeing her friends glare. “Oh hey, Twilight, you look annoyed at something.”

“You don’t say...”

Pinkie gulped and gave a nervous laugh. “Say Twilight, that wouldn’t be because I woke you up early because I thought my Pinkie Sense was telling me court was going to start early, causing me to wake you up early, when in fact it was telling me that you were going to be annoyed with me because I woke you up early because I thought that my Pinkie Sense meant that court was going to start early?” Pinkie backed away as Twilight’s eye began to twitch and her horn glowed with arcane powers. “OhwouldyoulookatthetimeI’vegotthingstodososeeyoulater!” Pinkie ran out the door almost as fast as she spoke, leaving Twilight in the throne room by herself. She made to follow, but hesitated, knowing full well that if she stepped into the corridors without a guide, she could easily become lost. The last time she had gotten lost, it was days before anypony had found her. Which, incidentally, was how she met Pinkie Pie.

Sighing, Twilight turned away from the door, resigned spending the rest of the day in the throne room. It wouldn’t be too bad, since as Court Mage she had her own purple pillow at the foot of Discord’s throne, next to a matching pink one for the Royal Jester. Heh, maybe I’ll be able to get some sleep.

For the second time that day (or night, it’s hard to tell which is which when the sun and moon swap places every few minutes), Twilight found herself being rudely awakened. This time, however, the perpetrator had chosen to poke her in the side with a stick.

“Pinkie, leave me alone,” Twilight said groggily, brushing the stick away with a hoof. Still half asleep, she frowned. That’s no stick, it feels like a claw...

“Is that any way to speak to your King?” a very powerful and very mischievous voice asked. Twilight’s eyes snapped open, revealing the tall, regally dressed draconequus before her.

“My Lor-Ow!” Twilight yelled as she jumped up, only to collide with a frying pan suspended above her. She fell back to the floor, clutching her head as Discord and the rest the court laughed at her misfortune. “My Lord, that really hurt,” she said, glaring upwards into a pair of mismatched eyes, her own filling with tears from the pain.

“If it hurts so much, then just say the words, my dear,” Discord taunted as he sat in his throne. Twilight glared at him, but her aching noggin and the fact that she was up against an omnipotent spirit of chaos caused her to back down.

“Daddy, I got a boo-boo,” Twilight said, glancing away, allowing herself to be humiliated before the court. Discord bent down and kissed on the top of her head, banishing the pain, but it did little to alleviate her humiliation as the nobles once again laughed at her. Twilight lay down on her pillow, wishing she could sink into it and disappear, when she saw Pinkie trying to attract her attention. Glancing at her friend, she saw the strange Earth pony pull a series of amusing faces, until Twilight had no choice but to giggle. Pinkie’s always got my back, she thought to herself as the first wave of supplicants charged into the room.

“Right then!” Discord said with practised ease, clapping his forelimbs together. “Lets do this nice and chaotically now, two at a time please. You, in the waistcoat, and you with the stupid hat, lay it on me.”

“Appaloosa is making too much food and it's going to waste!”
“Trottingham doesn't have enough food and its people are going hungry!”

“Hum, two problems to do with food,” Discord said to himself, stroking his goatee. “What do you think, Magnus Sparkle?”

“Me, my Lord?” Twilight asked jumping up, wary of any more frying pans. At Discord’s nod, she began to speak. “Well, this is clearly a problem of resource distribution. I think that by constructing a trade route between the two towns, maybe a road, or better yet a railway line, we could export the excess produce from Appleoosa and send it to Trottingham, satisfying everypony!” Twilight finished with flourish, a proud and beaming smile on her face. There was a moment of silence, before everypony began laughing at her, Discord laughing the loudest.

“Oh Twilight, thats brilliant!” he boomed. “I haven't heard anything that hilarious in weeks! Are you sure you’re not the Court Jester?” Discord wiped a tear from his eye as the laughter died down. Twilight sank back down into her pillow, looking at the ground. “Heh. Okay, but seriously now, anyone got a proper suggestion? Jester Pie?”

“Oh, I know!” Pinkie said enthusiastically. “Why don’t we teleport all the hungry people from Trottingham to Appleoosa? Then they can eat to their hearts content!”

“Excellent idea, my dear! I love it!” He clicked his talons together. “There, done. Next!” The rest of the session continued in this manner with Twilight putting forth well reasoned and intelligent answers, whilst Discord laughed at her and choose Pinkie’s sillier, but more efficient ideas. It was only Pinkie’s presence and her determination to keep Twilight smiling that kept the Unicorn from becoming completely depressed.

As the session came to a close, only a handful of ponies remained, standing around nervously as they waited for Discord to choose them. He glanced this way that and that, trying to choose, but seemed to be unable to come to a decision.

“Jester Pie,” he said, looking at the mare in question, “would you be so kind as to choose one last supplicant before I close this session of court?” The ponies groaned, realising that Discord probably wouldn’t get to hear their grievances today.

Pinkie looked at those remaining, before pointing to a dark green stallion. “Him, I think he has something important to say.”

“Very well.” Discord indicated to the chosen stallion. “Speak.”

He stepped forwards nervously. “My Lord Discord, I bear heavy news. One of my neighbours has broken the law.”

Discord snorted. “Laws were made to be broken. Your point?”

“My Lord, you misunderstand me.” The nobles gasped. No one told Discord he was wrong. The King in question, however, merely leaned forwards, a frown on his face. “My neighbour broke The Law. He owns...” his voice dropped to a whisper, “...a mirror.”

The silence was deafening. Twilight and Pinkie looked at each other with fear and apprehension in their eyes. Mirrors were outlawed—the only unbreakable rule. This wasn’t because Discord hated his chimeric appearance—quite the contrary, he was rather proud of countenance. No, it was because of who lived in the mirror. Her. She was Discord’s ancestral enemy, his greatest foe; she had led a rebellion against him millennia ago and lost, banished to the Mirrorworld and forced to watch the world from the other side of the looking glass. Discord’s equal and opposite; The Mare in the Mirror—Celestia Dawnbringer.

“Guards,” Discord growled, his voice low and menacing, eyes dancing with anger. A squad of Giffin guards leapt from their hiding places around the room. “Find this ‘Harmony Lover’. Find him, and kill him. No mercy.” The griffins saluted, remaining long enough to acquire the relevant details from the green stallion, before departing. “Court is dismissed.” Discord vanished, his absence startling. As their shock at the preceding events dissipated, the nobles got up and began to depart themselves, until just Twilight and Pinkie were left.

“Well,” said Pinkie, blowing out a long breath. “I had no idea that was going to happen. I mean, where do ponies even get mirrors from anyway?”

“I have no idea, Pinkie,” Twilight said as she stood up and stretched her limbs, popping sounds coming from her joints. “Ah! That feels good. Come on, I want to head back to my room. I need to freshen up, maybe have a nap.”

“Ohh, that sounds nice. I might have to join you.” Twilight glanced at Pinkie, but if she noticed anything weird with her words, she didn’t give any sign of it. The two mares left the room and made their way through the twisted corridors of the castle, making it back to Twilight’s room in record time.

As soon as Twilight opened the door and stepped in, she was assaulted by a purple and green blur that attached itself to her leg.

“Twilight! You’re back!” It cried. “When I woke up this morning and saw that you were missing I was so worried!”

“I’m so sorry, Spike,” Twilight said as she bent down to return the baby dragon’s hug. “Somepony woke me up early this morning, and I must have forgotten to leave a note.” She glared at Pinkie.

“Whoopsies!” The jester blushed with embarrassment. “How about I make it up to you Spike? Lets say you and me take a trip down to the kitchens and get some ice cream, huh?”

Spikes eyes widened. “Really? Can I, Twi? Please?” Twilight tried to keep a straight face and say no, but under the brutal assault of the cutest puppy eyes in all of Equestria she relented.

“Yes, fine, go on then. I want to have a quick nap before dinner anyway. Just don’t ruin your appetite.”

“Yes! Thank you Twi!” Spike gave Twilight a quick hug, before jumping onto Pinkie’s back. “Away, noble steed! I hear there are bandits in the kitchens!” Twilight laughed as the pair ran down the corridor and around a corner that swiftly changed into a portrait of Discord. Turning back into her room and shutting the door, she leapt onto her bed and buried her face in her pillow, sighing. Three pencils later, as her clock counted time, she lifted her head up and closed the curtains, blocking out the moonlight—no, sunlight, no wait the moon is back—and began to reach underneath the pillow for something. Looking around one last time to make sure she was truly alone, she pulled out a small, blue hoof mirror.

Looking into it, she frowned as her frazzled, tired appearance looked back at her. However, as her reflection began to fade, replaced by the visage of a serene, white pony with a mane like the dawn, she smiled.

“Hello, Twilight,” The Mare in the Mirror said.

“Hello... Celestia.”

Author's Note

Don't you just love it when you sit down to continue writing a story, only to spend the rest of the evening writing a completely new story? You can probably tell I wrote this in one sitting. The second half of which I was drunk for.

When I first imagined this story (sometime this morning, I believe) I intended it to be a light hearted Slice of Life comedy about the worlds biggest stick in the mud living in a world of chaos.

Then I actually wrote it.

It came out a lot darker than I intended it to be (dat frying pan scene), and I've had to scrap not only a lot of the SoL stuff (since the story now has a very adventure feel to it), but also a potential Discolight ship. Don't worry, I give it even odds of there being a TwiPie ship, but since I have no idea where this story is going I have left off the romance tag for now. I'm not entirely sure it still deserves its comedy tag. What do you guys think? I'll try to keep the comedy in it, but Discord (paradoxically) kills a lot of the comedy by being a douche. Maybe keep it to the non-discord parts as breathing space?

Also, you have no idea how hard it is to find a picture of Discord wearing a crown.

Chapter 2

“Hello... Celestia.” A warm smile lit up both faces as they looked at each other.

“My faithful student.” Celestia’s voice was serene, compassionate and wise—everything Discord’s wasn’t. “How are you today?” There was the slightest hesitation when she said ‘today’, so slight Twilight nearly missed it.

“I’m...,” Twilight thought back to her day (or night—ponies stopped keeping track millennia ago)—how Pinkie had woken her up early, how Discord humiliated her, how worthless she felt in court, but most importantly how Pinkie stayed by her side and kept her laughing throughout it. “... okay. You know, same old, same old.” Celestia frowned and pursed her lips, but didn’t comment. “Um, Celestia?”

“Yes, Twilight?” The warm smile returned, filling Celestia's face as if there had never been a frown.

“In court today,” Twilight began, unsure how to word her thoughts, “somepony told Discord that their neighbor owned a mirror. He sent his griffin guards.”

“I am aware of this. Luna is handling it.” Celestia’s expression didn’t change, except for a flickering of her eyes.

“Luna...” Twilight breathed in awe. She had never met the Shadowmare, so named because Discord had cursed her with the body of a shadow. She was the weaker and most vulnerable of the two sisters, so she spent most of her time hiding, forging the mirrors Celestia used to contact the outside world from pure moonlight. Twilight always assumed it was Luna who had left her mirror in her room as a filly, but she had never quite plucked up the courage to ask. “Did he–” she began, but a look from Celestia cut her off.

“You know I won’t answer that, Twilight,” Celestia rebuked gently. “The less you know, the safer everypony is.”

“I know, I know,” Twilight said, sighing as she buried her head into her pillow. “But its just so frustrating. I feel useless. I can’t stop or hinder or even challenge him, I can barely spy on him—I’m either at his feet or trapped in this room, and you always seem to know whatever is happening before I tell you anyway. I’m just...” Twilight sighed again. “Sick of being useless.”

Celestia brushed her mane out of her face so she could look at Twilight with both eyes. “Just because a piece has been moved into its proper place, doesn’t mean it’s useless.”

Twilight cut her off with an angry wave of her hoof. “Is that all you think of me? A chess piece in a game?”

“Twilight.” This time Celestia’s rebuke was hard and stern, causing Twilight to flinch backwards, even though Celestia couldn’t actually do anything to her.

“I’m sorry, Celestia,” Twilight said, her whole body dropping with shame. “I’m just frustrated.”

“I know, Twilight, and for what it’s worth, I’m sorry too.” Celestia’s voice returned to its serene state. “Have you reconsidered trying to recruit your friend Pinkie? From what you have said about her, she sounds like a perfect companion for you.”

Twilight shook her head. “I don’t want to get her involved with this. This is my burden, and mine alone. Besides, she is rather fond of Discord and his... games.”

Celestia sighed. “Very well, Twilight, I will, as always, trust your judgement on this. Now, let us speak of something else. How are your studies going?”

Twilight perked up at this—finally, something she was good at. “Very well. I mastered growing magic the other day.” Twilight chuckled to herself. “Discord had me put mustaches on everypony in the castle. Even the mares got mustaches!” She smiled, lost in the memory. That had been one of the good days, where she had felt useful and appreciated. However, she was so wrapped up in the memory that she failed to notice Celestia’s brief frown.

“I’m glad to hear that,” Celestia said smoothly, covering up any traces of her displeasure. “Your magic is progressing at a fast pace. I’m going to teach you something a bit harder now. Transformation magic. We’ll start with a simple little spell—apples to oranges.”

For the next pygmy goat and a half (Twilight frowned—she didn’t even know that pygmy goats could be used as a measurement of time) the two mares practiced the spell, turning various objects—since Twilight didn’t have any apples in her room—into oranges and back. Just as she was beginning to get used to the spell was when, rather predictably, Pinkie and Spike returned.

“We’re back!” Pinkie threw the door open with a crash, jumping at the noise and overbalancing due to the dragon sat on her back, sending the pair crashing to the floor. Twilight used this distraction to hurriedly stuff the mirror back under the pillow, before jumping of the bed.

“Spike! Pinkie! Are you two okay?” Twilight asked, helping the two to their feet.

“I’m okay!” Pinkie said chipperly. Spike merely groaned.

“Spike! What's wrong?” Twilight said, checking him all over for signs of injury.

“Too... much... ice... cream...” he wheezed out, clutching his stomach. Twilight unceremoniously dropped him on the floor, before turning to Pinkie with a glare.

“Pinkie! I told you to not ruin his appetite! We’re having dinner in a quarter of a gazeebo!”

“Sorry Twilight,” Pinkie said, ears drooping and eyes watering. “I just keep on messing up today (or night) don’t I?”

Twilight’s expression immediately softened. “Oh, don’t say that Pinkie,” she said, pulling her friend into a hug. “Mistakes happen. I’m sorry for shouting at you. I’m just feeling a little stressed at the moment.” Twilight subconsciously glanced at her bed, causing her to miss the fact that Pinkie also glanced at her bed. “Come, help me put Spike to bed, and then we can go off to dinner together, okay?”

“Okay-dokey-lokey!” The two mares tucked the barely conscious dragon into his basket before stepping out of the room. Just before closing the door, Twilight poked her head in, listening to Spike’s gentle snores. Smiling, she softly closed the door, and watched it turn into a bust of Discord’s laughing head.

“Which way, Pinkie?” Twilight asked, trying to ignore the chortles coming from the sculpture. Pinkie swiveled on one hoof (don’t ask), before pointing down the corridor. Without another word the two mares began to alternately trot, hop, swim and float down the various hallways, only pausing to allow a school of fish to swim past and to give some quick directions to a couple of lost statues.

“Soo...” Pinkie began, breaking the comfortable silence that had developed between them. “Did you have a good nap?”

“Huh?” Twilight said, confused, before remembering that she was supposed to have been sleeping. “Oh, not really, I couldn't sleep, so I started to practice a new spell—apples to oranges.”

Pinkie bounced around with excitement. “Ooh, that sounds like a good spell—show me!” She pulled out an apple from... somewhere, and held it out to Twilight.

“Okay, but I haven't got it perfected yet, and I haven’t used it on an apple either,” Twilight said, lowering her head and pointing it at the unsuspecting apple.

“Wait!” Pinkie interrupted, holding up her hoof. “You can cast it on things that aren’t apples? But it’s called apples to oranges!”

“It’s a beginners spell, Pinkie,” Twilight explained. “The spell is intended to teach the basics of transformation magic. As such, the name is more of a guideline than a description. Now hold still, I don’t want to hit you with this—I haven’t learnt the counterspell yet.”

“Okey-dokey-lokey!” Pinkie said enthusiastically, holding the apple as far away from her as possible. Twilight gathered magical energy to her, her horn glowing with power, before firing a beam of purple light at the apple.

Just as a gleaming shield fell from the ceiling, falling between the unicorn and the apple.

Bouncing off the reflective surface, the beam shot back at Twilight, striking her in the head before she could move. The shield clanged and bounced off the floor at the same time as Twilight did, collapsing under the shock of the transformation.

“Twilight!” Pinkie screeched, rushing over to her friend. “Twilight, are you okay? Come on Twilight, speak to me. Please, speak to me! I WON’T LET YOU DIE ON ME!”

“...Pinkie, I’m not dead.”

“Oh...” A short awkward silence ensued. “Um, Twilight, are you okay?”

“I feel a little woozy after... Ohmygosh, the spell!” Twilight grabbed Pinkie’s head with her forehooves. “Pinkie, tell me... Am I an orange?”

“Uh, not really...” Pinkie said, eyes glancing away.

“Oh good. Wait, what do you mean, not really?” Twilight asked with worry. Instead of answering, Pinkie lifted a hoof and tapped Twilight’s horn. Or rather, she tapped the orange attached to Twilight's head in place of her horn.

Twilights scream of anguish could be heard halfway across the castle.

Twilight stared glumly at the plate of oranges before her, before slowly lifting a hoof and touching the one on her forehead. Besides her, Discord was laughing uncontrollably, clutching his stomach as incoherent words fighting against booming guffaws.

“Oh... Hah hah... That is the funniest thing I have ever seen,” Discord said as his laughs died down, wiping tears from his eyes. “My own Court Mage, turning her horn into an orange. Bah-hah-hah! Classic. Once again, I have to ask who is the Court Jester around here.” He turned to Pinkie. “Watch out my dear, I think this one is after your job!”

“Ohh, does that mean I get to be Court Mage?” Pinkie asked, tearing into the giant cupcake in front of her.

Discord shrugged. “Sure, why not?”

“As if you even need a Court Mage...” Twilight muttered under her breath as she began to awkwardly peel the oranges with her hooves.

“Why don’t I need a Court Mage? Hm?” Discord asked, leaning over to look Twilight directly in the eye.

Twilight gulped. “You’re an immortal spirit of Chaos and Disharmony. You are far more powerful than I, a mere Unicorn, will ever be. Heck, you can do things I can’t do, like fixing my horn.” Discord ignored the rather unsubtle hint, and after a moment Twilight sighed and carried on talking. “You don’t need a Mage to cast spells for you. And you certainly don’t keep me around for my contributions to your government, as it is.” Twilight eyed the feasting nobles with displeasure as they gorged themselves on whatever food Discord had seen fit to summon for them. Each and everyone of them had a grey coat—the tell tale sign that they were under Discord’s mental alteration spell. “Which brings me to ask; why do you have me here?”

Discord shrugged again. “I’m the Spirit of Chaos. I don’t need no reasons for nothing.”

Twilight frowned and sighed. “So, I’m just here for your amusement then?”

“Yes,” Discord said simply. “Well, that, and of course there’s the fact that you’re highly resistant to my mind alteration spell.”

Twilight’s head shot up, her eyes wide. “I am?”

Discord chucked. “What, you didn’t know? I even tried discording you in court today (or night—okay, this joke is getting old now), but it lasted about only a few seconds before you shook it off.” At Twilight’s look of confusion, he elaborated. “When I kissed you on the head? Hah, see, you didn’t even notice!”

Twilight rubbed the top of her head with her hoof. “I didn’t even realise such a thing was possible.”

“It’s rare, I only see a couple of individuals with it in any given century. Usually the fools challenge me, thinking it gives them some sort of power of me.” Discord laughed as his eyes gazed into the distance, recalling a fond memory. “They were always surprised when I turned them into pudding.”

Twilight turned back to her food, mulling over this new knowledge. Does Celestia know? Is that why I was given the mirror? But it won’t help me if I ever have to face him—he said it himself, it doesn’t give me any power over him. She picked up an orange and resumed peeling it, fumbling and dropping it several times, much to Discord’s amusement. No, I won’t ask anypony for help. Certainly not him. I can do this. Eventually, she managed to get the peel off, but before she could begin to eat it she was distracted by a knocking at the window behind her.

Turning, she saw a grey pegasus mare with a blond mane and wonky eyes with a mailbag around her shoulders tapping at the window. Immediately, Twilight’s face lit up and she made to open it with her magic, before remembering that she couldn’t. Sighing, she turned to Discord.

“My lord, could you please get the window for me?”

“Certainly, my dear.” Discord reached over and pulled the window of the wall like a sticker, before holding out to Twilight, the window draped across his paw. Disconcertingly, Twilight could still see the mail mare on the other side.

“I meant ‘could you open it for me?’,” Twilight said with an exasperated tone.

“Well, why didn’t you say that then?” With a quick flick of his claw, the window, still draped over his paw, opened, admitting the pegasus into the room.

“Derpy deliveries!” declared the dopey dame (Say that five times fast!). “You post it, we’ll drop it!” She punctuated this by dropping a large brown package onto the table, almost squashing Twilights oranges and knocking several goblets over.

“Hello Derpy.” Twilight beamed at the pegasus. “Has Cadance sent me another package?”

“Yep, please sign here please.” Derpy held out a lump of cheese.

“Derpy, that’s a lump of cheese,” Twilight deadpanned. Derpy gave the cheese a confused look before shrugging and putting it back in her bag. Snapping a quick salute and bowing to Discord, she left out the window she came in, slamming it shut so hard that it fell off the wall.

“My bad!”

“So, what did Cadance send to you this time, Twi?” Pinkie asked, leaning over. Twilight picked up the parcel and ripped off the paper, her eyes lighting up with joy.

“Its a book!” Twilight exclaimed happily, causing Discord to snort derisively.

“Cadance never sends me presents,” he sulked, crossing his arms.

“Well, maybe you should have thought twice before sending her those enchanted shoes then,” Twilight snapped back, glaring at Discord.

“Oh come on,” Discord said, rolling his eyes. “She’s still not sore about that, is she? It was nearly three hundred years ago, after all. I don’t even know what she thought was wrong with them.”

“They forced her to dance the cancan nonstop for almost a hundred years!” Twilight said, still glaring daggers at Discord. “She still walks with a limp today!”

Discord looked at Twilight, a solemn look on his face, before a series of twitches sent him into gales of laughter. “Bah-hah-hah! She still has that limp? Hah-hah, Oh, its been too long since I visited the Crystal Empire. Hang on, brb.” With a snap of his claws, he was gone.

“What book did she send you, Twilight?” Pinkie asked, breaking the sudden silence that had descended over the table.

“It’s the biography of the warrior-mage Don Quicktrot, the famous Bitalian who gave his life defeating the windmills from space that attacked Bitaly four hundred years ago,” Twilight explained, stroking the cover gently.

Pinkie frowned. “Isn’t it Discord’s job to fight things like that though? You know how much he hates ponies dying.”

Didn’t stop him from sending his guards after that poor stallion earlier, Twilight to herself, mentally sighing. It was true, however, that Discord hated death in all its forms. The ‘apex of order’ he called it—after all, you can’t change if you’re dead.

“I was on vacation that week,” Discord replied, popping back into existence soaking wet with a big grin on his face.

“What happened to you?” Twilight asked with a frown.

“Well, it turns out that in the Crystal Empire they all go to bed at this time. Which is where I found Cadance. With your brother. Having—”

“Lalala I can’t hear what you're saying!” Twilight said over him, putting her hooves over her ears, causing Discord to chuckle.

“Yes, well, they were less than impressed with my entrance. So Cadance teleported me into a swimming pool. Full of sharks.” Discord looked thoughtful. “I’m actually rather proud of her for that. Might not actually ruin her wedding this time.”

“You’re not even invited to that. Family only,” Twilight said, her growling stomach reminding her to pick up and eat her untouched orange.

“Pft, as if that has ever stopped me,” Discord blithely said, waving a paw unconcernedly. “Besides, worst comes to the worst I could always marry you. That’ll make me family.”

“Don’t you dare,” Twilight growled, causing Discord to chuckle.

“My dear, you know that I am only going to see that as a challenge.”

“Discord...”

“Nope, too late.” Discord picked up Twilight and held her close to him. “We’re getting married, and then we're going to trash your brother's wedding!”

Twilight’s facehoof could be heard from across the room.

Author's Note

Holy crap, a wild chapter update! pokeball, go! (huh, that gives me an idea...)

I swear, this story has a mind of its own. I innitialy wanted to end this chapter with Discord, Pinkie and Twilight going into the book (which was a story, not a factual book) and having a couple of hairbrained adventures in fantasyland (despite the fact that they already live in fantasyland...). This was partialy inspired by the fact that my little sister was watching Alice in Wonderland the other day. Now, if you have read the above chapter (which I hope you have), you can clearly see that doesn't happen. Instead Twilight and Discord get engaged, so that Discord can crash Cadance's wedding.

I have no idea where that came from. Heck, Cadance wasn't even going to be in it (mainly because she keeps killing all my alicorn origin ideas), but I couldn't think of a good reason for Twilight to have a book (orginaly, Discord was going to give it to her, but I couldn't think of why he would do so), so Derpy Deliveries came and messed up the plot. Now I have to write up a double wedding arc. Le sigh.

But it does give me a good reason to add Rarity.

As for the Crystal Empire—yes it exists, and Cadance is the empress of it. Twilight's family all live there (she grew up their, but isn't a crystal pony herself), and is widly considered the most peaceful region of Equestria.

I don't know why Cadance has a shark pool, but I suspect its something to do with living next door to Discord. Also—being forced to do the cancan is funny. Being forced to do the cancan for a hundred years, isn't as funny. Yay for dark humour.

Don Quicktrot is a blatant referance to Don Quixote, the infamous fictional spanish knight. I made him itialian because I couldn't think of a good Spain pun (...Maredrid...:facehoof: Buck it, I'm not changing it now.)

Also, added the romance and random tags, cause buck it, thats why. However, is this story Discolight or TwiPie? Don't look at me, I haven't a clue.

Chapter 3

The Crystal Palace

“I love you, Cadance,” Shining Armor said as he buttered a slice of toast. The royal couple were sat in one of the many dining halls of the palace, enjoying breakfast together. Or at least, they would be, if Cadance, Empress of the Crystal Empire, Alicorn of Love and Vassal of Discord, wasn’t anxiously staring out the window to the south.

“Hm? Did you say something, love?” Cadance replied, turning from the window. She chuckled at Shinings exasperated eye roll. “I’m sorry, I guess I’m just a little worried.”

“Worried? About what, Discord?” Shining walked over to his fiancee and embraced her. “You know that I’m not bothered about last night, right?”

“It’s not that...” Cadance said, looking back out the window. “But his appearance last night reminded me of the fact that he has always ruined my weddings. I love you so much, and I want everything to be perfect.”

“It’ll be perfect as long as you are there, by my side,” Shining whispered into Cadance’s ear, causing her to blush and nuzzle him affectionately.

“You are so sweet.” Cadance’s good mood quickly vanished however as she turned back to the window with a sigh. “I’m still worried. About Twilight. She actually lives with that monster.”

“We all worry about Twilight,” Shining said. “But she’s strong, you know that. Besides, you know who is watching over her.”

Cadance’s eyes grew wide. “Shining!” she hissed, panic entering her voice.

“It’s okay, my love. We’re alone. No one to hear us,” Shining whispered into Cadance’s ear, holding her close until she calmed down. “See, we’re all alone–”

“Derpy Deliveries! You post it, we’ll drop it!”

“–apart from Derpy, of course.” Shining rolled his eyes and turned to the mail mare. “We have mail?”

“Yep! It’s from Twilight.” Derpy dropped an envelope into the toast rack, taking a slice for herself and flew out the window, disappearing as suddenly as she appeared.

“Come on back to the table, love,” Shining said, Candace leaning on him as she limped back to her seat. “Lets see what Twilight’s sent us—probably a thank you note for the book.” Settling down, Shining picked up the envelope and a mug of coffee with his magic, opening the former and swigging the later.

The resulting spit-take was entered into the record books, and wouldn’t be beaten for another 150 years.

Dear Empress Mi Amore Cadenza and her royal consort Shining Armor,

You are both hereby invited to attend the wedding of His Grand Majestic Highness King Discord the First and Last and Twilight Sparkle, Court Mage, to take place at the Castle of Chaos at his Lordship’s convenience.

We hope to see you soon,
Love from the happy couple,
Discord and Twilight

P.S–Bring lots of gifts. D.
P.P.S–I still haven’t agreed to this. T.
P.P.P.S–Oh, hush, it’ll be great. D.
P.P.P.P.S–You said that about ‘Everypony is an Alicorn Day’. T.
P.P.P.P.P.S–I thought we agreed to never mention that again, Miss ‘Orange for a Horn’. D.

The Castle of Chaos

“WHAT?” Twilight backed away from the mirror in fear. She had never seen Celestia this angry before. Her ethereal, dawn like mane surged and whipped as if it were caught in a storm, both of her eyes were wide and her lips were curled in a savage snarl. “You’re getting married to that monster?”

“Hey, it’s not like I have any choice in the matter,” Twilight said, raising her hooves defensively. “Besides, it’s only one of his games. It doesn’t actually mean anything.”

“Twilight, take this seriously,” Celestia implored.

“Why? Discord isn’t. Then again, the only thing Discord takes seriously is you, and thats because you are the only plausible threat to him,” Twilight said, lying back down on her bed. “Speaking of which, did you know that I’m resistant to his mind alteration spell?”

Celestia was caught off guard by the sudden shift in topic. “Well, we always suspected that would be the case, but we were never able to confirm it.”

Twilight closed her eyes and leaned her head backwards, so she was looking at the ceiling. “I see,” she said simply. We? Does she mean herself and Luna? Or is there more to this?

Celestia had calmed down by now, and resumed the peaceful mask she normally wore. “Enough of this, shall we carry on with your studies?”

“Uh, about that...” Twilight gulped, before lifting her hat off her head, revealing the orange stuck to her head. “I, uh, had an accident with the spell earlier.”

“I see.” Celestia’s face was still and unmoving.

“I can’t cast any spells until the spell fades,” Twilight said, looking sheepish. “I think Discord might have actually enchanted it to remain like this as well, as it should have faded by now.”

“Twilight, you must simply be more careful. What happens if I need you, but you’ve incapacitated yourself?” Celestia said sternly, a hint of anger returning to her voice.

Twilights shoulders sagged. “I’m sorry, Celestia.” She was about to say more, but a knocking at the door cut her off. “And thats my cue to go—I’m being fitted for a wedding dress.” Celestia frowned, but said no more, allowing Twilight to stash the mirror away. “I’m coming, I’m coming,” she said as the knocking intensified. “Who is—” she said as she threw open the door, but was cut off as Discord kissed her on the mouth. Without thinking she punched him on the snout, sending him to the floor. “What was that for!”

Discord picked himself up, covering his nose with his lions paw. “You just punched me,” he growled, glaring at Twilight, who backed up, eyes wide with fear.

Oh crap I’m dead I’m dead I’m dead. She closed her eyes, awaiting whatever gruesome end awaited her. Instead, she heard Discords booming laugh. Opening her eyes, she saw him clutching his sides, laughing uproariously at her.

“Hah-hah! This is why I’m marrying you, you’ve got spirit! I like that!” Discord cried out, pointing at her. "There aren't many willing to stand up to me like that these days!" He continued chuckling, his laughter dissipated slowly. When Discord next spoke, his voice was somber. “But seriously, hit me again and I will unmake you, understand?” Twilight nodded, not trusting herself to speak.

Finally, Twilight found her voice. “Why are you here? And why did you... kiss me?”

“Well, firstly, I wanted to have a look at your room so I could see what changes I need to make to mine.” At Twilight’s expression, he clarified. “After we’re married, you’ll be moving into my room.” Twilight paled at that. "I mean really, just think of the gossip that would go around if the royal couple didn't sleep in the same room."

"We're not going to... You know, are we?" Twilight asked nervously, pushing her forehooves together.

Discord looked at her confusedly before comprehension dawned on his face. "You mean...? What, ew, gross! How can you even think that?! And I thought I was the twisted one!" He clicked his talons together, summoning a bottle clearly marked 'brain bleach' and took several gratuitous swigs from it. "Please, I'm the Spirit of Chaos, not... That!"

Twilight breathed a sigh of relief. "But then, why did you kiss me?"

Discord shrugged. "For the same reason you're moving into my room—we are going to be a happily married couple. We're going to act the part completely."

Twilight face hoofed. "So basically, you're not content with just holding this sham of a ceremony, but you're insisting we pretend to be married for what, the rest of my life?"

Discord, however, had turned his back to Twilight and was now investigating the room. "Hm, you like to sleep with an oxygen atmosphere... Bookcase with books... arranged alphabetically? Bleh. What's this basket for?" He asked, holding up Spike's basket.

"That's Spike's. He sleeps in it." At Discord's confused look, she rolled her eyes. "You know, the baby dragon I hatched with my magic as a filly?"

"Oh yeah, I forgot about him," Discord said with a nod. "I suppose you'll want him to move in with us?"

Twilight hesitated. As much as wanted to stay with Spike, she also wanted to keep him away from Discord as much as possible. Eventually, she decided against separating herself from him. "Yes, I want him near me." Discord put the basket down and sat on Twilights bed, causing her to blanch—the mirror was only under the pillow!

“Hm, your bed is quite soft. Not as soft as a cloud of course—You ever slept on a cloud, Twilight?” he asked, bouncing on the bed. Twilight could only shake her head. “Huh, we’ll have to fix that.”

“Shouldn’t...” Twilight began, gulping. “Shouldn’t we be going to that dress fitting?”

Discord clicked his talons. “I knew I was forgetting something. And after I had that dressmaker brought in especially.” He leapt of the bed and landed by the door, opening it. “After you, milady.” Twilight bounded out the door, grateful for the chance to drag Discord away from her mirror. “Eager, much?” Discord said, with a twinkle in his eye.

“Maybe I just want you out of my room before you ruin my books,” Twilight said, not untruthfully, sticking out her tongue at him.

“Me? Ruin your books?” Discord said innocently as he lazily floated down the corridor. “How would I even begin to do that?”

Twilight trotted alongside him. “Well, you could... No, wait, I don’t want to give any ideas.”

“Snap,” Discord said, clicking his talons together. “You saw right through my nefarious plan. Oh well, plan B it is.” He clicked again, causing a translucent red thundercloud to appear over Twilight's head. There was a rumble of thunder before it began to gently snow a yellow powder all over her, causing her hair and coat to gleam with a yellow sparkle.

“Lemon sherbert?” Twilight asked incredulously, raising an eyebrow.

Discord shrugged. “I was growing bored of chocolate milk.” He licked his paw, ran it over Twilights coat and then licked off the sherbert. “Bleh, I got fur on my tongue.”

“I wonder how,” Twilight muttered to herself. “And the cloud?” she asked, looking up.

“Strawberry jam.” Discord poked it, causing it to wobble slightly.

“I think this one needs to back to the drawing board.”

“Agreed.” Discord clapped his hands, causing two large slices of bread to materialise on either side of the cloud. Plucking the newly created jam sandwich from out of the air, he placed into a pocket (despite the fact that he was naked). “I’ll have that later.”

“Ew.” Twilight snorted with disgust. Unfortunately, this caused some of the sherbert on her head to fall off and up her nose as she breathed in. “AGH that burns that burns that burns!” She hopped about, shaking her head, but that only agitated the situation, until she was partly obscured by a yellow cloud of dust. “AGH my eyes!” Coughing and choking, she stumbled her way out of the cloud, her eyes and nose red.

Throughout all this, Discord was beside himself with laughter. One of the Discords turned to the other. “Hah-hah! We should totally do this more often.”

“Tell me about it,” the second Discord said. “This is hilarious. Ooh, maybe we should make a cloud that snows itching powder!”

“Guys,” a third Discord said. “I think Twilight needs our help.” He pointed at the distressed unicorn, who was rolling around on the floor trying to get the sherbert off her coat. Her eyes were bloodshot and her nose was sore from where she had been rubbing them.

“I have totally got this!” declared the first Discord, holding his arms above his head. With a quick clap, a cloud made of sage and onion stuffing appeared over Twilight, drizzling tomato puree over her, staining her mane and coat red.

“Thank you so much,” Twilight deadpanned, wiping tomato puree off her face. “Now, not only are my eyes and nose red and sore, but you’ve stained my fur and I smell of tomatoes. This dress maker is going to have a fit.”

“You’re welcome,” the three Discords said at once, bowing, unphased by Twilight's death glare.

Twilight sighed and lowered her head. "You're impossible. Come, let's get this over and done with."

The three Discords smoothly slid back into one being, before turning around and opening a door that had just materialised behind him. “After you, my ickle lickle Twiglet.”

“Please don’t call me that,” Twilight said exasperatedly.

“Anything for you, my ickle Twiglet,” Discord said, his semi-permanent smirk growing wider.

Twilight adopted a false grin and beamed at Discord. “Why, thank you, Discy-poo.” Discord glared at her, causing Twilight’s grin to become genuine. “What, can't take your own medicine?”

Discord maintained his glare for a moment, before sticking out his paw. “Truce?”

“Truce.” Twilight put her hoof into his paw and the two shook, sealing the deal. Without another word the two strode into the room, where they were assaulted by a flurry of words.

“Who’s there? Where am I? I don’t appreciate being held against my will like this!” screeched a white Unicorn with a curled violet mane and three blue diamonds for a cutie mark. “I’ll have you know that—” She stopped talking when she saw Discord, her eyes boggling. “Oh, my Lord! I see how it is. I, the beautiful Rarity, have been taken prisoner so that you can ravish me.” She leapt up into Discord’s arms and place her forehooves around his neck. “Go on, my Lord, I am all yours! Ravish me, you devilishly handsome villain!”

Discord unceremoniously dropped her. “What? Ew! What's wrong with you ponies? I don’t ravish anypony! That’s Cadance’s job!”

“So... You’re not going to ravish me?” Rarity said meekly, oozing disappointment.

“No! No no no no!” Discord stomped his foot repeatedly, causing the room to shake. “All I want from you is a wedding dress for my fiance!” he said, pointing at Twilight.

“Well, why didn’t you say—” she began, only to cut off with a shriek. “Oh my stars, darling! Whatever happened to you!”

Twilight briefly looked at herself—her stained coat, her frazzled mane, the bloodshot eyes she just knew she had and her running nose, before turning to Rarity. “I had a wardrobe malfunction,” she deadpanned.

“Well now, I don’t think tomato puree is in this season, my dear,” Rarity snarked back, approaching Twilight. “We really must get you cleaned up before I can start to work on your—wait, wedding dress? Fiance? Oh you lucky thing, getting married to our glorious king!” Rarity swooned, trying to fall back into Discord’s arms, picking herself up with a “humph!” when he failed to catch her.

“Yes, lucky lucky me.” Twilight’s retort had lost none of its deadpan delivery. “Anyway, I don’t think we properly introduced ourselves. I’m Twilight Sparkle, court mage.”

“I’m Rarity, a dressmaker from Ponyville, and yes, I have heard all the jokes,” she said, rolling her eyes. A snort from Discord drew their attention.

“Oh sweet heavens,” Twilight cursed. “That’s his punning face.”

“So, you’re Rarity?” Discord chuckled. “As in, you’re a rarity? Ho-ho!”

Twilight covered her eyes. “I can’t watch. Tell me when it’s over.” She heard a clap, followed by a loud shriek.

“You’re not a rarity anymore, my dear!” Discord boomed. Twilight slowly lowered her hooves, and stared at the twelve Rarity’s staring back at her. “In fact, I’d say you now rather common!”

There was a moment's silence, punctuated only by Twilight's groan, before all the Raritys began to talk at once.

“What did you do to me?”
“Oh this is just dreadful!”
“Whatever will my family say!”
“So thats what the back of my head looks like.”
“My word, I am rather beautiful, if I do say so myself.”
“Finally, I get to use myself as a model!”

“Silence!” Discord all but roared. “You’re giving me a headache.”

“You should've thought of that before you made the extras,” Twilight chided. “Speaking of which, how did you do it?”

“I teleported a bunch of changeling drones in, forced them to take Rarity’s shape and then copied her memories onto the drones. Simple, really.”

“So, which is the real Rarity?” one of the Raritys asked.

Discord shrugged. “I don’t know, I lost track of her.”

Twilight groaned. “Ugh. Can we please get on with the stupid dress fitting already! We’ve traveled down so many tangents I’m starting to collect frequent flyer miles!” She held up a card showing that she had a considerable number of miles collected. “I don’t even know where this card came from!”

“Huh,” Discord said, taking a closer look at it. “‘Pinkie Pie Airlines. Taking you to the party!’ Well, I think that explains that.”

“No it doesn't,” one of the Raritys said. “That doesn’t explain anything.”

“Trust me,” Twilight said, turning to her. “Around here thats the closest to a rational explanation you can expect to get. Now, can I please be fitted for this dress?”

“Oh, yes, of course. But we need to get you cleaned up first.” Several of the Raritys gasped at once, and as one the entire group sang out. “Id~ea!”

“I’m not the only one filled with a sense of dread, right?” Discord asked Twilight.

“Nope.”

“Oh good, I thought it was just me.”

“Oh, don’t you worry none,” one of the Raritys said in a totally-not-comforting way. “A spa trip will do you the two of you a world of good!”

Author's Note

New chapter! Party!

This one was challenging to write. Two words: Unfortunate Implications. When I was a kid, the villian marrying the love intrest was always an acceptable villian goal. Which is what I was mostly thinking of when I wrote the last chapter. Of course, then I started to think about it, and about why the villian wanted to marry the girl, and what would happen afterwards. Unfortunate Implications indeed.

So I found myself with a choice. Do I follow through with it, or do I try to brush it of to one side. Now, I know I call this a Dark Comedy, but if I was to go in that direction, it would either kill of all the comedy and take the fic in a direction I wasn't prepared to take it, or I devalue its impact and get called out on mishandling an obviously sensitive subject.

So I brushed it off with a joke. Twice. Now, I was concerned that it would negate the dark tag at first, but then I remembered that dark simply means that bad things happen to a character, usually making them afraid. Well, Twilight's pretty much in a perpetural state of fear, as is every other character, maybe baring Pinkie. And bad things have happened to lots of characters, and will contiue to do so. So thats all fine and dandy.

Also, why does every Discord fic have cotton candy clouds? He is the spirit of chaos, he would change the clouds every so often! Heck, when the clouds first appear in the show, Dash says, and I quote; "There's crazy weather all over Equestria! Cloudsdale is getting soaked by a major cola storm right now!" I never see a cola storm!

Oh, yeah, and we have a cover pic now. Yes, I did it myself and it was a pain to do so. Stupid inkscape not having a rainbow pattern thingy. Had to draw it myself.