Derpy's Protector

by Sneaky

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Adventure, Pinkie Pie, Derpy Hooves, Human, Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 18186

Derpy, you're going to drive Sweetie CRAZY these next couple of weeks. Months. Years.

The innocent need protecting. That's why Hunter has come to Equestria! Well, he didn't actually have a choice. And would really rather be home. But still.
A fic starring a Navy SEAL and everyone's favorite cross-eyed blondie!

Published 2013-01-05 19:30:01 UTC
Last updated 2013-04-04 03:15:23 UTC

Hugs

"Let's get back on track here," Hunter said once the gun was back in his holster and he was sure there was nothing else in the room that Derpy could do any major damage with.

"What were we talking about again?" Derpy asked, still slightly dizzy from her earlier mishap.

"I was asking you why you saved me..."

"Oh yeah! Because I'm the Muffin M-"

"No! I mean, no. I know that. But I'm still wondering why you would do that. I mean, weren't you worried about the health of your," he twiddled his fingers, searching for the word, "Filly?"

She crossed her hooves in thought, frowning. "I kind of was. But you didn't seem like you were going to wake up, especially after I rolled you down that hill and you didn't even twitch."

"Not to mention the gunshot while I was sleeping," he added.

"Gunshot?"

He rolled his eyes. "Lightning rock."

"Oh. Yeah," she blushed, embarrassed.

"Besides, what is her father going to think when he comes home and finds an alien on his couch?" he pointed to Derpy's belly.

She just looked down and twiddled her hooves.

Oh...

Well, you're a jerk.

Shutup, I know that.

"Uh... Sorry I asked."

You really couldn't think of anything better to say?

Didn't I tell you to shut your mouth?

"Its fine... He said he would come back, but it's been seven months now..."

Think of something. All that mental training with the SEALs didn't pay off?

I don't think this is what it was for.

"Seven months, you say? Does that mean she'll be born in... what, two months?"

"Four, actually," she started to brighten up, glad for a change of subject.

Hunter was confused for a moment. "But that adds up to eleven months."

Her eyes crossed, and she stuck out her tongue. She sat there, frozen in this position.

What the hell?

...

Okay, this is getting weird...

"Derpy, what are you-"

"Yes! You're right!"

He blinked. "What?"

"Seven plus four IS eleven!"

"What were you doing there, with the sticking out your tongue thing?"

"I was thinking!"

He groaned. "Derpy, I'm going to kill myself."

She gasped. "No! Why?!" She then sprung onto the couch and squeezed him as tight as she could.

The cuts. It fell like a swarm of angry hornets was stinging him in the chest and arms.

"Fuuuuuccckk!!"

Derpy looked at him in the face. One eye was trained on him, while the other one drifted off to the side.

"What does that mean? Is that another word for 'hug'?"

This won't end well...

"You must really like my fucks then, if you yell it that loud! Don't worry Sweetie, I'll fuck you all night if it keeps you from killing yourself!"

She then continued to 'fuck' him, making an 'mmmmm' sound while she was at it.

I don't think I'll ever be able to tell her what that word means now.

...

You know, all pain and fucking aside, she's actually pretty cute.

He pried her off of him. Somewhere in his subconscious, he knew this was going to be a big mistake, but he really had no choice.

"I'll tell you what. If I can stay here until I find some way to get home, I'll help you with your baby. I have some experience with this type of thing, since I have a daughter of my own."

Her eyes widened. "Of course I'll let you stay! Pinkie Pie was supposed to help me out, but I guess she doesn't have to now! Well, she can if she wants-"

Hunter cut in. "By the way, wasn't she supposed to come over today?"

An impossibly rapid knocking was heard at the door.

Her Pinkie senses were tingling. A familiar sensation told her there was a new pony in town, but another unfamiliar one told her something strange, something she just couldn't grasp the meaning of. It was new, definitely new, and indescribably foreign.

She became curious when the feeling strengthened as she came closer to Derpy's house.

Maybe she had the foal already, Pinkie thought, but quickly dispelled the thought.

No, she's only been pregnant for seven months.

...

Maybe she had the foal, and she's only been pregnant for seven months!

She zipped to the door and knocked rapidly with her forehead.

The door opened, and a smiling Derpy appeared.

"Hi Pink- Ow ow ow hey!"

Her wound up head hadn't stopped knocking, and collided with Derpy's face several times before she realized the door had already been answered.

"Sorry Derpy," she said, looking down at Derpy's midsection. The foal was still there.

She sighed, her earlier worries refuted. "Are you okay?"

Derpy rubbed her snout. "My nose hurts, but I think I'll be fine."

Pinkie shook her head. "No, I didn't mean that! I meant, is everything else okay?"

Derpy brought a hoof to her chin in thought. After a moment, she chimed, "Yep! Everything's fine!"

Derpy's confidence was convincing enough, but she still couldn't ignore the strange things her Pinkie Sense was telling her.

"Okay, then. Can I come inside?" she asked, returning to her normally bubbly self.

"Oh! Sure, come on in," Derpy stepped aside, allowing her guest to enter.

"I hope you won't mind, there are a few holes in the ceiling and an alien is living on my couch..."

It was all wrong. Everything was going wrong.

Planning and predicting. They were the key components to precision.

Precision was everything to Celestia.

And yet here she was, the fate of Equestria and/or her returning sister, resting in her hooves.

All because of a lack of precision.

She had planned for him to land in a spot where he could do no harm, to himself or to anypony else. There she would explain to him what was going on.

However, instead of landing neatly in front of her in the middle of a flowery meadow, he ended up in Ponyville six hours later.

She hadn't planned for this. She thought that everything had been covered, all variables considered. Instead, she released a potentially dangerous, not to mention armed, alien.

Think about it, Celestia. You picked him because he's smart and reasonable. Surely he wouldn't go on an immediate killing spree.

Besides that, you teleported him here right before he got torn to shreds by a rigged door. Add that to any injuries he might have sustained upon his arrival, and most likely he's a lame duck.

That put her more at ease. She began to think clearer, and tried to imagine where he might be now.

"So, let's see... So far he hasn't caused any observable trouble. There were hoofprints leading away from the scene, and as far as I know, I didn't teleport a hoofed creature here. A pony must have helped him."

She pondered that. Who in their right mind would help a carnivorous creature twice their size? Not to mention an unfamiliar species.

"Well, maybe this is good. If he becomes friends with a resident, then maybe he won't be a threat after all. Who knows, maybe he'll want to stay?"

She dismissed that last thought. No, he needs to go. He has a family waiting for him. Once he's done with his task, I send him home.

She went over her options.

"I could send guards to Ponyville and have them search the houses, but that would take too long, and I don't want to piss off the residents a week before the Summer Sun Celebration."

She brought a hoof to her chin, and thought some more.

"I could announce a warrant for the arrest of a human. Everypony knows about the humans from the old pony's tales. Of course... It might cause a panic. And I definitely wouldn't want that."

She frowned. There seemed to be nothing she could do without causing a panic or violating her citizens' rights.

"Wait a minute... Of course! That would be perfect! Why didn't I think of it sooner!" she facehooved.

"Who do I always send to do my dirty work when I'm too lazy to do it myself?

"Twilight Sparkle!"

Processing... Processing...
Processing complete.

Pinkie stared in disbelief at the mystical creature on the couch.

i]A human! No way!

"Look, I don't know, or care whatever the hell you are, but to humans it's considered rude to stare."

"She's an earth pony, Sweetie! And her name is Pinkie Pie."

"I don't care! She's creeping me out! And..."

Hunter stopped when he realized Pinkie was no longer staring, but bouncing around the room.

"A human! A human! Ohmygosh I always thought they were just a fairytale because that's what my mother told me but I always wished they were real 'cuz that would be so cooooool!" She ended her last word on a high note.

Hunter was unsure of what he had just heard. "Wait... So you're saying that here, humans are like mystical creatures?"

Pinkie hyper-nodded. "Yep!"

Derpy rubbed her chin. "What's a human?"

Pinkie pulled out a pair of old, very teacher-looking glasses. "A human," she tapped on an ominously appearing chalkboard with a stick figure drawn on it, "is a mythical creature that dates back to the pre-Celestia/Luna era."

Hunter looked shocked. "How did that chalkboard-"

Derpy shouted and pointed at the stick figure on the chalkboard, "Hey! That's Sweetie!"

"Shh! If you want me to answer questions, you'll have to raise your hoof."

Derpy raised her hoof.

"Sorry Derpy, but I'm not answering questions right now. Please let me finish the lesson, and you can ask your questions later, okay?"

Derpy crossed her hooves and frowned, much like a schoolchild.

"You know, Derpy," hunter spoke flatly, "You're a grown woman. Letting her treat you like this isn't-"

"NO TALKING IN MY CLASSROOM!"

Derpy raised her hoof again. "What's a woman?"

"Annnnyways," Pinkie continued, rolling her eyes, "humans had a special connection with lightning, and because of their ability to control and use it to make contraptions, they were known as the Keepers of Lightning!"

"Ah-ha!" Derpy jumped up and pointed at Hunter, who was now scowling and shaking his head.

"Oh lord..."

Hunter awoke, hungry but feeling much refreshed after his sleep.

He carefully lifted himself off the couch and hobbled over to the bathroom.

The other day, he had re-learned to walk when the incessant yammering of Pinkie Pie proved to be worse than the searing pain of walking on roasted shins and a sprained ankle.

It was worse this morning, but with strong resolve he limped his way across the room and into the hallway.

Eventually, he made it to the bathroom. He felt uncomfortable with the fact that the master bedroom, occupied by Derpy, was right next to the space where he planned to noisily release the floodgates.

Nevertheless, when you gotta go you gotta go.

After packing up his unmentionables and freshening up, he opened the door and planned to return to his spot on the couch until Derpy awoke.

I really don't know what to eat besides those chocolate muffins that the pink menace left. It's pretty early, I might as well go back to sleep until Derpy wakes up. By the way, how is Derpy doing?

He turned towards her room's entrance. The door was open. It couldn't hurt just to check on her, just for a moment.

Have you stopped to consider that since so many things in this world are parallel to your world, that maybe some of the unsaid rules would carry over? Such as, "Don't creepily watch people while they sleep?"

...

The door creaked as Hunter poked his head in. Everything appeared to be normal. The sun's morning rays gently streamed through the window, and a small blonde head poked out from underneath the covers.

Well then, everything appears to be alright. I'll just leave now before she notices I'm here.

*Sniffle*

Guess I spoke too soon...

"Derpy?" he said, limping his way over to the bed. He came around to the other side where Derpy was facing, and realized she was asleep.

"Derpy... Wake up. Are you okay?" He gently shook her awake as her tear-stained eyelids slowly opened. She seemed genuinely surprised to see him at her bedside.

"Sweetie? What's wrong?" She sat up, wiping her crossed eyes with a hoof. She studied her hoof, confused by the wetness that laced its outer rim.

"Oh lawdy!" She sprang up. Any thoughts about Hunter or the wetness disappeared as fast as her outburst came. "It's almost eleven o' clock! I need to deliver the mail!"

Hunter looked at the clock on the wall, then gently pushed the flailing pony back down. "It's seven o' clock. You still have four more hours."

She blinked her eyes straight, then chuckled at the mistake she had made. "Must'a had my eyes crossed." She settled down, then looked inquisitively at Hunter. "Sweetie, what are you doing in here?"

He groaned internally at the pet-name, but maintained a
calming tone. "I heard you crying in your sleep, so I came in here to make sure you were okay."

She smiled bittersweetly. "Aww. That was sweet of you." The smile faded as she remembered the past night. "I was just having a bad dream."

"Oh? What was it about?"

Tears welled up in her eyes as she recalled the dream in her mind. She blinked them out, turning away, then turned back to Hunter and asked, "Sleep with me?"

Wat.

"Derpy, I just met you yesterday. Don't you think it's a little weird to be... Sleeping, together?"

She just looked at him like what he was saying didn't make sense.

"I was just thinking that we should get to know eachother more before we... You know... Oh, that came out wrong."

Something seemed to click in her head. "Ohh... I see what you're saying."

He smiled. "Yes! I'm glad you understand."

Her face took a slight red tint, and she fluttered her eyes. "I'm flattered that you would think of me in that way. But no, I just meant sleep in the same bed as me."

He stuttered, blushing and fumbling over his words. "No! That's not what I meant at all, I mean-" he looked at her again, and she was giving him puppy eyes. Big puppy eyes.

They had no effect. "Derpy, I'm not sleeping with you."

She dropped the act and frowned at him. "So, this is the thanks I get for saving your life..."

He sighed, accepting defeat. "Fine..."

Her face brightened, and she shifted to allow space for him to fit. He hesitantly climbed in, trying to ignore the pulses of pain his nerves were sending to his brain.

Once in, he decided to set some ground rules. "Okay, I'm just here to comfort you until you fall asleep. Don't try touching me, or-"

Derpy was snuggled up against his side before he could finish.

He sighed. What could he do? He wasn't about to force her off, and if it came to an argument, she had the advantage.

Well. What do I do now?

Try to enjoy it?

...

He turned to her so that her snout was in his chest, and hugged the back of her head. He ran his hands through her mane, to which she sighed contentedly.

She really doesn't understand the meaning of 'warming up to someone'', does she?

She's innocent. Didn't you hear her talking about the guy who got her pregnant? She just recently figured out that he's not coming back.

Well, she doesn't need him. She has you.

For the time being, at least.

He soon felt Derpy's heartbeat slow, and her breathing took on a steady rhythm. She was sound asleep now.

Hunter didn't follow suit. He lay there, gently massaging the back of her neck, wondering just what it was the future had in store for him.

__________________________

A/N

Thanks to Night Spring for really helping out and putting up with getting spammed by my glitchy internet! Really though, he helped immensely with these first two chapters. If you're enjoying this story, you should go thank him.

Remember to Chew

Derpy's Protector: Chapter III

Hunter crouched next to a window, occasionally poking his head over the edge to check if the gunfire had ceased.

Every time he did this, PFC Greg Keller, or the soldier standing across from him near the doorway, would cuss at him in a hushed tone to get down.

Hunter continued to ignore him, quickly bobbing his head around the corner despite the fact that they would know when the gunfire stopped by listening for the roar of the machine guns to end.

"Hunter, if you don't get the fuck down, I swear I'll kill you myself."

"And give away our position? Not likely."

They both knew that Private Keller would never do this. It was more of a grim joke than anything. The two were buddies from the getgo, as they had both arrived in Pakistan at around the same time. Hunter's light-hearted character seemed to match up with Keller's serious personality well, and so they became fast friends.

"It'll give our position away anyway if they see your big white ass stickin' out the window," he gestured to Hunter's face.

The sound of gunfire abruptly ended. Hunter gave a triumphant smirk, then turned to look out the window.

Keller whispered to him frantically, "Don't be stupid. Just because we don't hear anything now doesn't mean-"

His next words went unheard, as a loud ringing filled Hunter's ears and he fell backwards. The sound, it was so unbearable, his head felt like it was going to explode. No, wait, it wasn't the sound doing that.

Blood ran down from his forehead. He dipped his fingers in it, and licked his hand to make sure it was real. He tasted dirt, sweat... and a metallic flavor. Blood.

He watched Keller despite his vision being nothing more than blurred shapes. Somehow, even with the dull pain in his head, he was becoming relaxed. Bullets zipped around him, kicking up dust and making holes in the wall, but he didn't care. Keller's lips moved, but all Hunter could hear was the ringing. Blliiinnngg! it continued, even as his friend pointed his gun out the window and began firing.

Hunter had a funny feeling everything was going to be alright. Everything's gonna be alright.

Everything's gonna be alright...

Hunter's eyes wafted open. There was a funny mumbling coming from the pit of his throat, and he realized he was talking in his sleep.

He tried to recreate the sounds, making guesses as to what he could have been saying. Though he already knew.

"Everything's gonna be alright..."

"Sweetie? Wake up, Sweetie. You're talking in your sleep."

He snapped his attention to her. She must have been startled, as she suddenly clamped his chest like a vice.

Ooh, those cuts are a bitch...

She saw him wince, and let go of her death grip.

"Sorry about that. You kind of startled me."

He chuckled and brought a hand to massage his sore cuts. "Apparently, I've done worse."*

She smiled, but there was a hint of concern etched across her lips.

She voiced her concern without any prodding. "Sweetie, you were talking in your sleep. Were you having a bad dream?"

He swallowed. "Yeah, I was just dreaming about some... experiences."

"What experiences?"

His eyes darted about. "Oh, you know. Just... Nothing to worry about."

"Why won't you tell me then?"

His mind frantically searched for a way out of this. "It's... Not something you would enjoy hearing."

"Is it inappropriate?"

Was it? "Uh, yeah, I guess."

"Oh," she giggled, "I see."

Not exactly the reaction he was hoping for, but it was better than the alternative. "So, how 'bout we agree to just forget about the dreams, and get some breakfast. You hungry?"

She looked down at her stomach. "I'm always hungry now!"

He picked her up, and set her aside. "Great. Then I suggest we-"

She was already off the bed, springing her way towards the door. Unfortunately, it was closed, and she slammed into it face first with a house-shaking WHAM!

Hunter sprang up and looked over the edge of the bed. "Derpy, are you alright?"

She lay with her face in the ground, flank in the air. Her wings twitched for a second, until she finally got up to her hooves and wobbled around.

Eyes crossed, she gave him a salute and smiled. "I'm okay!" She then proceeded to open the door and step into the hallway, followed by a loud crash a few seconds later.

Hunter shook his head, wondering at how the grey winged pony ever survived this far.

"So you still haven't told me how you got your wings."

Hunter and Ditzy sat on the couch, Ditzy eating a particularly large muffin and Hunter setting one aside for later.

"Whath?" she asked through a mouth full of muffins.

"Yuck," Hunter remarked, wiping wet Derpy crumbs off his face, "I was wondering how you got those wings. I mean, the pink horse didn't have wings, so I'm guessing it's not a common thing, right?"

She gulped down a piece of muffin large enough to choke a grown man, then addressed his question. "Well, Pinkie Pie is what's called an 'earth pony'. Earth ponies don't have wings, only pegasus... pegasuses... pega- pega-"

"Pegasi?"

"Yeah! Wait, that's not right either. Well anyways, only pegasus ponies have wings. There are also unicorns, but they have horns and do magic."

Magic?

"Wait... Magic? You mean, there are beings here that can perform magic?"

She smiled and nodded.

An idea formed itself in Hunter's head.

"These... Unicorns. Do you think that with their magic, they could send me back home?"

Her smile dropped, and she quickly shoved another muffin into her mouth.

"Derpy, come on."

She just turned away and continued stuffing her cheeks full of muffins.

"You're gonna run out of muffins real soon if you keep that up."

She quickened her pace.

"I'm not gonna help you if you choke-"

Derpy dropped the plate of muffins and began gagging.

Do you have to say things like that?

She fell over, holding her neck with a hoof and choking on the ground. Hunter sprang into action, moving in position to perform a heimlech maneuver.

Arms around her belly, he had a sudden thought.

I don't think squeezing her child out of her is going to help the matter.

That's a disturbing thought.

He let go of her, trying his hardest to think of something that would help save her life.

Be constructive, Hunter. What could you possibly do to dislodge a piece of muffin from a pregnant horse's throat, without injuring or killing her or her baby?

The answer presented itself when she flopped onto her back, coughing upwards with her mouth wide open.

You know what you have to do.

I did say 'horse', right?

Well, are you just going to let her die then?

...

Fuck you, conscience.

He clenched his fists, bracing himself for what lay ahead.

He knew that blowing air into her mouth may lodge the offending pastry even deeper into her throat. Instead, he took a different approach.

The opposite approach.

Knowing he would regret it forever, he emptied his lungs as much as was physically possible.

Eyes clenched almost to the point of tears, his lips met with Derpy's, and he sucked as hard as he could.

With a plunk, the muffin slipped up her throat, and she began to breathe again.

As fortunate as it was that Hunter saved her, he had forgotten that it could go the other way around too, and ended up with the muffin lodged in his throat.

Immediately, he hit himself full force in the stomach, causing the troublemaking pastry to fly out of his mouth.

And land right on Derpy's face, covering her features with a mound of soggy goodness.

Oh God, I'm gonna puke-

A tongue protruded up from the pile, and wiped clean all that remained of the mutilated muffin.

Hunter stumbled his way into the bathroom, trying to control his heaving until he made it to the bowl.

"He saved my life..." Derpy said, breathing again, shocked by the sudden realization.

She gazed dreamily in the direction he had gone. "He saved my life."

"My dear Twilight, there is more to a young pony's life than studying. So I'm sending you to supervise the preparations for the Summer Sun-"

"Please stop reading that letter, Spike. I already know what it says."

Spike frowned, and rolled up the scroll. "Y'know, you should really lighten up. All you ever do is read and study, read and study. And it's our break, too! Like the Princess said, you should go out, make friends-"

"The fate of Equestria does not rest on me making friends!" she whined.

Spike searched for some way to cheer her up. "Well, that lightning bolt did strike in Ponyville, right? Maybe it'll give you a chance to study it. And the Princess arranged for you to stay in a library, doesn't that make you happy?"

Her ears perked up, and she smiled. "You know what? You're right! I'll just take care of the preparations for the Summer Sun Celebration, then get back to my studies on Nightmare Moon! Maybe I'll check on the lightning bolt, too, if I feel it's of any importance."

"So, in other words, you're going to directly disobey orders from the Princess, and-"

The chariot suddenly lurched forward, causing Spike to slam against the railing. Twilight let out a relieved sigh.

They touched down on the ground. Twilight gave her thanks to the guards pulling the chariot, and trotted off to begin her assignment.

"Did the Princess give us a map?" Twilight asked.

"Nope," Spike replied, rubbing his head, "Looks like you're just going to have to meet somepony."

"Spike, I know we had a map. Did you lose it?"

His pupils shrank, and his grin disappeared. "Uh, it depends. What map are we talking about?"

She sighed and shook her head.

"Well, maybe the ponies in Ponyville have interesting things to talk about," he gestured to a pony standing nearby, "Come on, Twilight! Just try!"

"Ugh," she groaned, "Alright."

She timidly approached the pink earth mare. "Uh, hello?"

"Hhhuuuiuuiuiungg!" the earth pony leapt into the air, and with physics-defying motions, dashed over their heads without even touching the ground.

However, she did manage to smack Spike in the eye, knocking him down in the process.

Twilight cocked an eyebrow. "Well, that was interesting, alright."

Spike got up off the ground and sighed, rubbing his eye whilst following Twilight.

"Summer Sun Celebration Official Overseer's Checklist," Spike read aloud.

This is kind of hard to read with one eye.

"Step one: make, um, reparations at, uh, Sweat Apple Acres."

Twilight cocked an eyebrow. "Make reparations? I'm not a craftspony or anything. Strange."

Spike was more occupied with worrying about what kind of apples they might encounter.

The two walked through a large entrance, leading to a fenced-in area around a barn.

"Yee-haw!"

An orange earth mare rushed past, a slight odor following in her wake.

Spike gulped. Sweat Apples.

She ran up to a tree and kicked it as hard as she could. The force her hind legs delivered made the whole tree shake, causing apples to fall off the branches and neatly land in a couple of nearby barrels.

She stood by, proudly tucking one foreleg over the other.

Twilight inhaled deeply. "Let's get this over with."

She walked up, wondering if this new pony would react the same way the other one did. That would say a lot for the sanity of this town.

"Good afternoon. My name is Twilight Sparkle."

The orange took her hoof and seemed to be trying to rip it from its socket. "Well, howd'ya do, Miss Twilight! Ah'm Applejack. We here at Sweet Apple Acres sure do like makin' new friends."

Twilight chuckled nervously, aware of the damage the shaking was doing to her leg. "Eh heh heh... Friends?"

She let go of her blender shake on Twilight's forehoof. "So, how can ah do ya for?"

Even after Applejack let go, Twilight's leg continued to go up and down on its own. Spike grabbed ahold of it and held it still, letting some stifled laughter escape his lips.

"Well, I am, in fact, here to supervise preparations for the Summer Sun Celebration, and apparently we need to, um, make reparations?"

She tapped a hoof in thought. "Hmm, I don't know anything that's in need of repairin' right now... If you're wondering about the celebration, ah'm in charge of the food. Maybe you'd like to sample some?"

Spike frantically tried to signal to Twilight, but she didn't notice him.

"As long as it doesn't take too long..."

The stetson-wearing cowpony dashed away and rang a dinner triangle. "Soup's on, everypony!"

Twilight gasped as a hoard of various colored earth ponies trampled her to the ground.

The next thing she knew, she and Spike were in front of a small yellow table.

"How did that-"

Applejack popped up beside them. "Now, why don't I introduce ya'll to the Apple family?"

The great mass of earth ponies gathered around the table, cornering them.

Applejack began her long introduction of every pony in her extended family that was present.

Why do hillbillies have so many foals...

Each time a pony would set down a delicious looking pastry, Spike would get closer and closer to a green hue.

After the last apple dessert was stacked, Twilight was pretty well convinced the earth mare had done her part for the Summer Sun Celebration.

Spike, however, vomited into the middle of the pile of food. Nopony seemed to notice though.

"And that's the Apple family!"

Twilight gave everypony a nervous but polite smile, and said, "Well, you seem to have everything under control here. I'll just be on my way then-"

"Wait!" Applejack called, "You haven't even tried an apple pie yet!"

"I'm right next to you, you don't need to yell!" she retorted, then returning to normal volume,"And I'm sorry, but I really need to go."

"Aww," the whole family moaned in unison.

A little yellow red-maned filly walked up. Applebloom, Twilight was pretty sure her name was, just stood there and gave Twilight the cutest, most irresistible puppy eyes she had ever seen.

"But... Don't'cha wanna stay fer brunch?"

Twilight looked hesitantly at the filly. "I'm sorry, but I have to go..."

Applebloom's eyes began to waver.

Just don't look her in the eye, and you'll be fine...

Twilight turned away, trying to resist her cuteness powers.

Maybe just a peek.

Dammit, Twilight! Why did you have to look?

She sighed. "Fine. I'll stay for brunch."

The whole family erupted in cheers. "Yay!"

"Do you want a muffin now?" Ditzy asked.

Hunter glared at her.

"If you'd like to know, you've completely ruined muffins for me. I don't know if I'll ever be able to eat a muffin again."

"Why?"

He really hated that word. "Maybe it was because I choked on your upchuck, spat it on your face, and watched you lick it like Scooby-Doo covered in ice cream."

"Scooby Doo?"

"It's from my world. I'll explain later."

"Oh," she said, thinking on that. "Still, though, you did spit it on my face."

"True," he complied, finally seeming to calm down.

"Well, I still have an hour until I make my daily mail runs. Maybe going on a walk will make you feel better."

He raised an eyebrow. "Who said I was sick?"

"Well, you've been acting grumpy for the past two days. Basically the whole time I've known you. I figure you need something to unwind your nerves."

Unwind his nerves? Where did that come from?

She was right, though. As much as he hated to admit it, he was stressed, and the outside air would do him some good.

He reluctantly agreed. "Alright. Are you sure the other ponies won't react... Hostile, or something?"

"Please," she waved a hoof, "As long as you stick to me, everything will be fine."

"That's what I was afraid of," he muttered under his breath.

~~~~~~~~~~
A/N:

I'm pretty sure Night Shine's name will end up at the end of each chapter if I mention him every time he helps out, but just know that with every chapter you read, he's saving you from a lot of messed up punchlines and bad jokes.

And prepare for a break/decreased production rate for chapters. I still need to finish the fanfiction collab with TheLionPaladin. I'll give you guys a link to it when it's finished, if you want.

Sweetie Gets a Job

"Why... What the hell are you wearing?"

"What? You mean my sweatpants?"

Hunter rolled his eyes."Yeah, your sweatpants. Why are you wearing them?"

"To keep the foal warm!"

He cocked an eyebrow. "You would literally go out in public with those on?"

She looked back at her back portion, contemplating his words. "Oh... Should I change the color?"

He groaned. "Ugh. You'll have given birth by the time I'm done explaining it to you."

She frowned. "Hey, I don't say anything about what you're wearing. It's all ripped and stuff, and the colors are weird. It's not even one color, it just looks like somepony splashed a bunch of square paint on you!"

Square paint...

Oh, the digital pattern.

But she's right about one thing. Your clothes have seen a lot of wear and tear since you boarded that boat.

He shook his head, coming back to reality. Upon finding himself there, he returned to the sight of two golden yellow eyes glaring at him.

He conceded. "Okay, okay, you're right. Let's just go, and maybe get some new clothes later or something."

Assuming that there's a shop that sells human clothes.

Derpy nodded, the usual ditzy smile plastered on her face. She walked to the door and waited patiently for her compadré.

Due to his injured legs, he was having trouble getting off the couch. He used his arms to try and lift himself, but his chest felt like it would rip apart if he strained. His legs, of course, wouldn't do any heavy lifting either.

After a few minutes of grunting and panting, he settled on keeping his knees bent and sliding off the couch in a squatting position. Slowly, steadily, he elevated himself up to full height.

As he approached Derpy's side, he heard stifled giggles escape her mouth.

"What's so funny?" he asked.

"Nothing," she answered, before covering up her mouth as more giggles left her.

"You're laughing, aren't you?"

She just continued to produce smothered laughter. Seeing as how he wouldn't get a straight answer, Hunter thought back.

Let's see... So you were having trouble getting off the couch. I don't see what was so funny about that.

Maybe it was the grunting sounds you were making?

You eventually got up by putting yourself in a squatting position, and-

Oh, the squatting.

By the time he was done thinking it over, Derpy had calmed her fits of laughter to minimal bursts.

"So, you were laughing because it looked like I was defecating?"

She cocked her head, oblivious to the meaning of the word. "What's defscibating?"

Um... he thought, looking for a subtle way to phrase it. "Emptying your bowels?"

Very subtle.

She still looked confused. "Emptying your bowls? Like eating?"

"Oh, for the love of... Pooping!"

Derpy started giggling again. "Oh, okay Sweetie. I get what you're saying now."

"Did you seriously not know what I was getting at?"

She smiled devilishly. "I knew what you were saying all along. I just wanted to hear you say 'poop'."

Hunter stared blankly.

"I underestimate you, Derpy," he muttered.

She walked past him to the door, nose high in victory. "I know my Bathroom, Sweetie."

"Are you sure you don't want to lean on me, or something?"

"Like I said, Derpy, I'm fine."

The duo walked through town, Hunter using a pony crutch as a walking stick and Ditzy showing off her new sweatpants.

For once, Derpy seemed to know what she was talking about. The sight of Hunter would elicit gasps from passers by, but once they saw he was with Derpy, their fear would turn to more of a surprised curiosity.

This... is actually going well.

Too well. Something bad's gonna happen.

Don't be such a pessimist. You came out here to relax, remember?

Taking a deep breath and ignoring the stares he was receiving, he decided to observe the scenery.

Wow. This is... Colorful.

Cottages and two-story apartments lined the streets. They were all painted bright colors that utterly clashed with each other.

The sounds of stringed music wafted from an open window and spilled onto the streets. It was pleasant, relaxing.

Hunter sighed. He could get used to this.

They soon came to a part of town filled with stalls, coffee shops and gift shops. Performers did stunts, entertainers played music, and the murmuring of a crowd of ponies all talking at once added to the 'center of town' feeling.

A loud, high voice cut through the tranquil mood like a machete through a goat's neck.

"BUY SOME APPLES! MAKE SURE YOU- B-b-b-b-buy-"

The voice faltered, either nervous or shocked. Or both. Hunter turned to the source, smirking.

A little red-maned filly sat behind an apple stall, mouth agape and eyes wide.

"Hey Applebloom!" Derpy waved, as if she didn't see the alien walking besides her.

"H-h-hey M-Miss Hooves... Who's t-that?" she pointed at Hunter.

Derpy smiled. "That's Sweetie. He's a human. He's staying in my living room!" Then, proudly, she added, "He lets me fuck him a lot!"

"Wait..." Applebloom's mouth opened wider. "A human? Ya mean like in the old pony's tales?"

Derpy nodded, grinning as if Hunter was a well-earned trophy.

Applebloom hopped down from a stool and hesitatingly approached him.

She stopped mere inches from his leg, looking him up and down from head to toe. She had to take a step back to take in his full height.

"Am I really that interesting?" he joked half-sarcastically.

"Wow, Ah've always wanted ta meet a hoomin!" she squealed and hugged his leg.

Applebloom's hug felt like a hundred needles had just gone right through his skin and pricked his bone.

Trying to suppress a scream, Hunter sucked in a lungful of air. However, his clenched jaws made the air pass through in concentrated streams through the gaps in his teeth, producing a hiss.

His hiss made Applebloom scream and jump back, attracting the attention of any pony within earshot.

"What's going on?" asked a voice all too familiar to Hunter.

Oh no... The pink menace.

Pinkie Pie stared, disbelieving. "Sweetie, why would you hiss at a filly? All she did was hug you!"

Hunter replied defensively. "It was an accident! My shins are burnt, they hurt like hell!"

"It's true!" Derpy said, coming to his aid, "He has burns and cuts all over his legs! See?" she poked his shin with a hoof.

He yelped, pulling away his leg. He stared daggers at Derpy.

She shrugged innocently. "I needed to show them you were really hurt."

"Well, I trust you, Sweetie." Pinkie smiled brightly. "Just remember: I got my EYE on YOU!"

This is... Really confusing.

Don't try to figure her out. Think about your sanity.

"You there! Do not take another step!"

Hunter looked to see a group of armor-clad ponies rushing over and encompassing him, Derpy, and Applebloom in a circle.

"Don't touch the filly, or the mare, or else your hoof comes off." He pointed a spear at him.

"Come on, little filly," a guard at the other side of the circle cooed, "It's alright. He won't hurt you. Just come to me."

"Fer yer information, Ah'm eight years old, mister! And ah know he won't hurt me, ah just touched his tender spot!" she argued rebelliously.

Two orange hooves shot out from the growing crowd and grabbed her hind legs. She shot backwards, arms flailing as she left the ground.

"Ah got 'er! She's fine now!"

"Applejack! What are you-"

Hunter spotted an orange mare in a stetson dragging away the smaller one. "C'mon, Applebloom. We're goin' home," she said gruffly.

How ironic. A horse wearing a cowboy hat.

All eyes turned back to the matter at hoof.

"Step away from the mare, ma'am."

"Ma'am? Are you kidding me?"

"Whatever you are. I can't tell."

Derpy took up a defensive stance in front of him. "I'm not leaving Sweetie! He's not a monster, he's a very nice gentlecolt!" She then whispered frantically, "Sweetie, I can't keep on making things up! You're going to have to do something!"

She didn't notice his frown.

The guard spoke again. "Whether or not he is an immediate threat, we have received orders from Princess Celestia directly to bring any and all aliens to her at once!"

The crowd murmured with whispers.

So, this Princess Celestia knew I was here? It think I'll take note of that.

"And what's she gonna do to him?" Derpy barked.

The guard seemed taken aback. "W-well, that is up to the regal judging of the princess herself! As for you, if you do not move immediately, we will be forced to arrest you for defiance of authority."

"Just try," she replied coldly.

Hunter felt the KA-BAR on his side, but looked to the number of guards around him. There were at least a dozen.

I could pull out my pistol, but after I'm done massacring helpless ponies, what then? More will come, and I eventually run out of ammo?

He raised his hands in surrender. "I give up."

Derpy looked up at him, confused. "But, Sweetie, they'll-"

THWOK!

It was the last thing Hunter heard before the ringing.

That damn ringing again.

"And that's the story of my whole entire life! Well, up until today. Do you want to hear about today?"

Fluttershy smiled. "Oh, yes please!"

"Well," he began, but something caused his eyes to go wide and his jaw to drop.

Twilight suddenly spun around, jolting Spike away from Fluttershy and coming face to face with the butter yellow pegasus.

"I am sorry! How did we get here so fast? This is where I'm staying while in Ponyville, and my poor baby dragon needs his sleep!"

Spike didn't even protest. "Twilight, what's that over-"

Before he knew it, he had landed on his hindquarters with an oomph!

"Aw, wook at dat! He's so sweepy he can't even keep his widdle bawanse!"

The dragon frowned and frantically tried to get her attention. "Twilight, this is serious! There's a monster over there!"

He was swooped up into the caring hooves of Fluttershy. "Oh, poor thing! He must be hallucinating! We must get him to bed!"

His stuttering seemed to only be further proof of his sleepiness, as nopony seemed to pay attention to a word he said.

She took him inside and set him down, saying something that Spike didn't hear. He was too deep in his thoughts about the monster.

The monster... It looked familiar... Like maybe it was from the old myths...

Fluttershy was pushed out the door, and Spike just sat there in his own little world.

"Thanks for pretending for me, Spike," Twilight said as she searched for the light switch.

He shook his head. "I wasn't pretending, Twi! I saw a monster out there! He was being carried by some guards-"

Once again, he was cut off. Any thoughts about the monster were instantly incinerated in the rapid brightening of the room.

"SURPRISE!" a hundred voices screamed at once.

Rinnng...

It was still in his ears when he woke up in the hospital bed.

He must have taken a hard hit to the head.

A bullet will do that.

What even happened back there?

He sat up, perhaps a bit too quickly. Vertigo overtook him, and he fell backwards as the room spun in a vortex around him.

"Eager to get up now, are we?"

The spinning slowed, and as he came to his senses, he recognized the voice.

"Keller?"

A tall, masculine figure moved towards him.

His friend seemed to shift from side to side, going from left to right and then returning to his original spot. The sight was nauseating, and made Hunter shut his eyes.

"You seem to have gotten smarter ever since you were knocked out. Yeah, it's me."

Hunter weakly smiled. Good ol' Keller.

"Greg... What happened after I got knocked out?"

His eyes weren't even open, but he could tell the question made Greg uneasy. "Well, to tell you the truth, I thought they put a seven-six-two round right in your head. So I kicked their asses. I shot out that window, and hit five of 'em."

Hunter opened his eyes, half-lidded slits staring in disbelief.

Greg saw this. He grinned. "Yep. After I realized you were still breathing, I dragged you away from the window and waited for reinforcements. Luckily, none of them tangos tried to come in after us. Probably scared," he shrugged.

Hunter chuckled. It was funny the way his friend belittled the enemy.

In the state he was in, there was only one thing he could think to say,"Thanks."

The words weren't much more than a barely audible croak, but they carried weight.

"No problem, brother," Greg replied, saluting before stepping out of the room.

Hunter sighed, the slight encounter leaving him exhausted. Or maybe it was the painkillers? He couldn't tell for sure.

He nodded off, snoring lightly as he drifted into the comfortable embrace of sleep.

Hunter awoke, head throbbing. He was in an unfamiliar but comfortable bed.

Why can't I ever wake up without a headache and no recollection of where I am?

He felt a warm rumbling on his chest, and found Derpy sleeping soundly atop him.

Of course.

He tried to move his arms, but with the clinging of metal, his wrists were yanked back.

This seemed to wake her. She jumped up, managing to land a hind hoof right on his unmentionables.

"Goddammit, Derpy!"

His legs also seemed to be chained to the bed he was in, making it impossible for him to defend himself against this attack on his tender spots.

"Oh, sorry Sweetie!" she tried to jump off of the bed, but an identical chain on her other hind hoof dragged her back and caused her to sprawl out beside Hunter. She sat up, leaning over him and cooing tenderly, "Do you want me to make it feel better?"

His frown deepened. "Please don't."

Right then, two guards rushed into the room.

"We heard yelling. What's going on?" one of them asked.

Derpy and Hunter glanced at each other, then Hunter answered, "Everything's fine. I just-"

"Shut up, alien! You have no rights here, and anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law!"

"Then why did you ask-"

"Silence! We were talking to the mare!"

Derpy's mouth formed an 'o', then she giggled and waved a hoof aside. "It's alright. Sweetie is just a bit... Jumpy this morning."

The two guards looked at each other, then turned back to the spectacle before them. The first one spoke, "Well, then. If everything is fine..." they began walking towards the door, "But if 'it' gives you any trouble, just holler. We'll be right outside."

"Okay. Thank you."

The two exited the room.

"Okay..." Hunter said, craning his neck to scratch his head with his chained hand.

Derpy stood over him. "You looked like you were going to ask me something. Were you going to ask me something?"

No, he thought, but I guess I do have some questions.

"Yeah, sure."

"So what were you going to ask?"

"Well, how about about this?" He tugged on the chain attached to his wrist. "I mean, what all happened back there?"

Derpy's face scrunched up into a little frown. "Well, they hit you on the head and brought you here to the Canterlot Palace. We're in one of the comfort suites right now."

His eyebrow cocked. So instead of a dungeon, I'm being kept in here. Obviously this Celestia, or whoever's holding me prisoner, wants to negotiate with me.

Hunter brought himself out of his thoughts, looking back to Derpy. "Alright, that tells me a lot. But it brings another question to mind. Why are you in here?"

Her expression became serious; one of duty. "I needed to keep an eye on you, to make sure you were safe."

He found that pretty funny, but didn't say anything. "Oh okay, thanks. But why are you chained up?"

She went from serious to embarrassed in the blink of an eye.

"I... Uh, I attacked a guard."

A grin etched its way onto Hunter's lips. "You what?"

"After he hit you on the head, I jumped on him and... Well, I guess I went kind of crazy." Derpy halfway hid behind her bangs. "I just didn't like him hurting you."

For the first time since meeting her, he actually admired the little grey pegasus.

"That's... That's awesome, Derpy."

She blushed and waved a hoof. "Oh stop it, you."

The guard from earlier burst inside, opening his mouth to speak.

"Thanks for knocking."

The guard shot an angry glare at Hunter for his interruption, but curtly stated, "The Princess wishes to have an audience with you."

Derpy looked shocked. "Me?"

Hunter trudged through the halls of the Canterlot Palace, wrists and ankles chained.

He almost wished he had company. Derpy had not been allowed to follow him, and had to stay locked up in that room. Consequently, she threw a fit.

Hunter felt genuinely lucky to have met her first. She took him in, 'fed' him, and even tried to protect him.

She's done a lot for me. I'm surprised at the amount of loyalty she's shown, even if it hasn't proven to be very useful.

"Halt!" one of the escorting guards yelled in his ear. Hunter was ready to deliver an angry headbutt to the guard, but held himself.

Steady, Hunter. First impressions, remember?

He thought back to his first encounter with Derpy.

Yeah. Definitely first impressions.

"We are just outside the throne room of Princess Celestia! Do not try anything unreasonable or brash, as we have many units guarding the perimeter, and there will be five of us standing right outside this door."

"Oh? Thanks for giving me your battle plan. I promise not to try anything unreasonable."

The great double doors were opened, and Hunter was shoved inside. His ankles and wrists in the state of being bound, he had nothing to protect himself as he tripped and landed on his face.

He looked back angrily. As the doors closed, he saw the mocking smile of the guard who pushed him.

What a dick.

A glowing aura surrounded him and a force took hold of him, leaving him unable to move. He panicked for a moment, trying to fight against his invisible opponent, until at last he was set upright on his feet.

"Do not worry. He will not remain without reprimand."

That voice. It was soft as silk.

Hunter looked up. His eyes met a sight of paramount majesty, one of impressive grace.

Princess Celestia sat at her throne, radiating the beauty of a thousand maiden nymphs.

Beauty, however, was not a trait Hunter appreciated well.

"I sure hope not," he grunted, brushing a piece of fuzz off his shoulder. The carpet was seemingly dustless.

The Princess did not seem at all surprised by his curt words.

"I understand the reasons behind your rather undignified behavior, but let me remind you that here, Princesses are treated with a culture of respect."

Hunter rolled his eyes. "And I understand that in a negotiation, you want the other party to cooperate. Correct me if I'm wrong, but knocking them out and holding them prisoner isn't the best tactic."

Celestia smiled. "Smart man. So you understand I wish to make a deal with you?"

"Yes. And my answer is no thanks."

She held a devious grin, as if she had some kind of trick up her coat. "Steve, do you ever feel a longing for... home?"

She had his attention now. He lent an ear, now more willing to hear her out.

Seeing this, Celestia took the opportunity to explain how she had learned of his presence in Equestria, and went over possible theories of how he had gotten here. It was mildly interesting, he had to admit, but he couldn't pay attention when something terrible caught his eye.

The pink menace.

Is behind.

Celestia's.

throne.

There she was. The semi-psychotic being was in a spy suit behind the throne, flashing him a thumbs-up.

Hunter froze. He really had no idea what to do.

"...After all that's happened, wouldn't you agree?"

Should I warn Celestia? From what I've seen, this Pinkie character is quite unpredictable.

"Are you alright in there? Have I been droning on too long?"

Hunter shook his head, simultaneously awakening himself and answering the Princess's question in the same motion. He was going to voice his concern, but Pinkie Pie was no longer visible.

Maybe I just imagined it. After all, with that one theory of Celestia's-

"Are you sure you're okay? You seem to be someplace else."

He blinked, wondering if the pink mare would reappear before him. She did not.

"Uh, yeah. Tired is all."

"I understand. It must be stressful, being in a completely new world, away from everything and everyone you know. Am I correct in saying so?"

He nodded. "Does this deal have anything to do with my home?"

"Yes," she said, magically removing his binds with her magic. "Remember, if you choose to decide against it, then you are free to go as you please."

"...Thanks," he said. His cuffs hit the ground with a clang, a testament to his freedom. "So what are the terms of this deal?"

"You see, there is an event coming up called the Summer Sun Celebration. A national holiday, if you will. Seeing as how it consists of staying up all night partying until sunrise, some ponies tend to get a little... wild. I just need a bodyguard, one who I know is capable."

"I see... And what do I receive in return?"

"You get to go home."

Hunter smiled. It was a complete no-brainer. Everything about the deal was perfect.

Too perfect.

"So what's the catch?"

She sighed. "I knew you would say that. Well, for one, I still need to perfect the spell that will send you home in one piece. It may take weeks, months even."

Hunter gulped. "I guess I could wait a little..."

Oh shit.

She's back.

Pinkie Pie was behind the throne again, urgently pointing at the bottom of her hoof. She was trying to tell him something, but he hadn't the slightest clue what.

"Wait a minute," Celestia said suddenly, narrowing her eyes. Her horn glowed green at the tip, and whites of her eyes did the same.

Suddenly, a flash of green flame engulfed the area where Pinkie Pie was sitting. It smoldered furiously, roaring for an instant until it- and Pinkie- were gone.

Hunter gaped. He couldn't believe what he just saw.

Princess Celestia smiled, as if nothing had happened. "I need to perfect that spell. Make it more precise."

Hunter was still taking it all in. "Uh-huh..."

I can't wait to get the hell out of here.

"Now, where did that scroll land?" she asked, looking around.

A pink hoof holding a sealed scroll reached over the edge of the throne and tapped the Princess on the shoulder.

Is that...

Without even a second glance, Celestia took it. "Thank you."

She looked over the paper for little more than two seconds, then crumpled it up and threw it in a nearby trash can. A few words caught Hunter's eye as the neglected letter flew through the air.

Your dearest student,

Twilight Sparkle

He heard a barely audible "Yes!" escape her lips as it hit the inside wall of the cylinder and landed at the bottom with a light thud.

She turned back to Hunter and silently smiled at him. In an eery kind of way.

Okay, is she going to say anything?

"Who in Discord's name-!"

She jumped up and spun around as fast as she could. The large throne was tossed aside like nothing, and shook the entire room when it hit the floor.

Ohh, shit.

Pinkie was revealed. She was fiddling with some goggles when she was caught.

She looked surprised, to say the least.

"Princess Celestia! You found me! Guess I'm 'it' now!"

She jumped off the elevated platform and began to trot off, but the same golden aura that surrounded Hunter earlier grabbed Pinkie by the tail and yanked her back.

She played that off surprisingly well...

"Pinkie, what are you doing here?" the Princess demanded.

Pinkie?

"Derpy wanted me to keep an eye on Sweetie for her. I'm sorry, Celly!"

Celly?

"Wait," Hunter questioned, "You know her?"

"Yes," Celestia groaned, "For the longest time, she has somehow been able to sneak past our castle security. Thanks to her, this castle may have the tightest security in existence, but she still manages to get in."

"You need to double-bar the cellar doors again!" she sang, bouncing around the room.

The Princess levitated a quill and paper over, then quickly scribbled something down.

"So, Hunter, what do you say to our little deal?"

Hunter held out his hand to shake on it, but a "Wait!!" from Pinkie Pie stopped him before he could make anything official.

The Princess rolled her eyes. "What is it now, Pinkie?"

"First of all, let's suppose it takes more than a few days to send Sweetie home. How will he support himself? He can't keep mooching off of Derpy! With the foal coming along, she'll barely have enough money to take care of herself, much less feed a giant for a week!"

She has a point.

"Secondly, he has two burnt legs and cuts all over his chest. They may be healing, but still present a danger to both of you. What if his wounds re-open, and he can't defend you from danger?"

Hunter and Celestia looked at each other. "Well, I suppose I can pay him. Technically, he will be working for me as a guard."

"But what about my injuries?"

"Hold on a second." She closed her eyes, concentrating deep.

Okay, what's she d- ZAP!

A bolt of lightning shot out from Celestia's horn and hit Hunter smack in the chest. He was knocked off his feet by the impact, somersaulting backwards a few times in the air before finally coming to rest on his back.

"You killed him!" Pinkie screamed.

"No, I healed his wounds."

Hunter moaned, "Yeah, and broke every other bone in my body. Why can't you warn me before you do something like that?"

"Better to just get it over with." She blew on her horn, which was steaming. "Stand."

With no little effort, Hunter stood.

It was true; he was healed. The burns on his shins were gone, and his chest wounds were closed, albeit there being some scars in place. Aside from a slight whiplash, Hunter was perfectly healthy.

A scroll levitated before him and unravelled itself. Giving it a quick scan, Hunter saw that it was a contract.

"So," Celestia said, "take your time on this. Let me know if there's anything you don't agree with."

Hunter read the agreement thoroughly. It seemed to be a simple employment contract, aside from the fact that it included magically sending him home in the end.

He looked up and nodded. A quill and ink pot floated over to him in a golden aura. He picked up the pen and was about to sign, when a thought crossed his mind.

"Wait."

The Princess raised an eyebrow, wondering what might be troubling him.

"I have a friend. A friend who's helped me a lot recently, and I want to return the favor."

Celestia cocked her head, interested. "Who, what, and how?"

Hunter unlocked the door to his room with the key he had been given, and stepped inside.

The first thing Derpy did was try to rush over to him, but she was caught by the chain on her leg. Even so, she continued to lean towards him and get as close as she possibly could.

It reminded Hunter of a dog seeing its owner.

"Sweetie! Are you okay? Did they try to dissect you?"

He raised an eyebrow, but smiled nonetheless. He pulled a separate key out of his pocket and unlocked the cuff around her leg. She never stopped applying pressure, so as soon as the binds were opened, she shot forward and slammed into his stomach.

She clung to him and hugged him like that, hanging a few feet from the ground. Hunter watched her slowly slip downwards, until her bum softly touched the floor.

He sighed, picked her up off the ground and set her on the bed, then sat down next to her.

"So, Sweetie, you didn't tell me what happened yet!"

He grinned at her, patting her head. "Derpy, you're never going to believe it."

Author's Note

So I just discovered this little box called "Author's Notes." It's pretty cool.

Thanks go to hwrogers for proofreading and editing!

Beetles and Memories

Before you read, just remember that when I say 'june beetle', I mean this.

They're pretty big. Oh, and they hiss. So yeah, it's pretty easy to get freaked the fuck out by one.

Now to the story.

Derpy's Protector: Chapter V

"Weee! Sweetie, you gotta try this!"

The wind washed over Ditzy's face and blew her hair back. She stuck her head off the side of the pegasus-pulled carriage and gave a toothy grin, the wind pulling at her skin.

"Don't let any bugs fly in your mouth."

"Whath? she said, turning to face him. Stuck in her teeth were various insects, unbeknownst to her.

Hunter stared at it for a moment, then returned to his talk with Princess Celestia. "So, we're just leaving Pinkie Pie behind at Canterlot?"

Celestia stopped her wide-eyed staring at Derpy and snapped her attention back to Hunter. "Well, if 'leaving behind' truly fits the situation. As of now, she's being questioned by our guards on how she managed to break into the castle. Nine chances out of ten, though, she'll be awaiting our arrival in Ponyville."

"Uh huh," Hunter said, hoping the Princess would be wrong in her prediction. They both sat in silence for a minute, Derpy's squeals competing against the wind for who could make the most noise.

"She's quite a mare, isn't she?"

Hunter broke his gaze from the window. "What?"

"Ditzy. What do you think of her?"

"Uh... Well, she did save me."

She raised a mocking eyebrow. "So what am I supposed to assume from that bit of information?"

Hunter thought on that. "Well, I owe her a lot. I guess you could say she's a friend. A good friend, probably the only one I have here."

Celestia brought a hoof to her chin. "So. A friend."

"Yeah."

"Hm."

The two of them sat in silence for a little while longer, until Derpy got bored of sticking her head out the window and walked up to Hunter.

"Hi, Sweetie."

She gave him a smile that showed two full sets of pearly-whites.

No bugs.

"Uh... Hey, Derpy," he replied, searching for any chewing movements she made.

She sat next to him. "What are you doing?"

"Just sitting here, I guess. And you?"

Celestia watched the two with interest.

"Good."

"That wasn't the question-"

Hunter stopped when Derpy laid on her back, and rested her head on his lap. She looked up at him, waiting expectantly.

Celestia giggled.

She's getting a bit cozy with you.

Well, what are you going to do? Push her off your lap?

He sighed in defeat. Derpy saw that he was letting her stay, and snuggled into him.

Soon, Ditzy's soft snores could be heard just above the sound of the rushing wind.

"Aww," Celestia cooed. She quickly turned away when the glare she received sent goosebumps down her neck.

"We're here!"

WUMP!

The sudden stop made Derpy roll off Hunter's lap and hit the floor of the carriage.

Celestia gasped. "Are you alright?"

Derpy shook her head. "I'm okay!"

"She's a lot sturdier than she looks, trust me..."

"Are you sure? What about the foal?"

Ditzy rolled on her back, then poked her belly. A little hoof kicked the spot she touched. "Yep! Still in there!"

What.

Hunter rolled his eyes, as if this were some common antic of hers. "Come on, Derpy," he said, bringing her back to her hooves.

Celestia watched the two exit the carriage. Once they were out of earshot, she mumbled to herself, "I'll never get used to the things that happen in Ponyville..."

"HI CELLY!"

Celestia gasped when she found Pinkie Pie sitting next to her.

"Pinkie! Don't scare me like that!"

"Sorry, Celly," she said, sounding more bubbly than apologetic.

"Forgiven, Pinkie." She wiped the nervous sweat from her brow. "So, how did the questioning go?"

A few hours earlier...

The interrogator sat down at the table across from his subject. "Hello, Pinkie."

"Hey Rick!"

They were quite familiar.

He put his hooves together. "How are you doing?"

"Great! How about you? Have you been exercising?"

He smiled. "No, actually, I-"

"Yeah, I didn't think so."

He groaned, popping a few pills in his mouth.

"So, Rick, have you ever thought about changing your name?"

"What?"

"Just the first letter, you know? Just to spice things up a bit."

"Pinkie-"

"Like I remember one time I went swimming in the lake. But there was a lot of algae, so-"

"Stop."

"-when I got out, I smelled! So then I started calling myself Stinky Pinkie-"

"This is completely irrelevant-"

"-but then when I told Mrs. Cake she said not to say that. I understand. I mean, who wants a Stinky Pinkie? So anyways-"

Rick slammed his head on the table.

The continuous stream of yammering stopped. "What's wrong?"

He groaned. "Just take my job. You'd be much better at it than me."

"Oh, that's what it was! I dunno, he didn't ask many questions."

Celestia groaned. "Is the Royal Psychologist paying you, Pinkie?"

"So, what are we gonna do next?"

Hunter plopped down on the couch. "Well, I'm going to sleep for a little while. I need to be awake for my shift in the morning."

Derpy cocked her head. "Shift? What shift?"

"I'm going to be guarding the Princess at the Summer Sun Celebration."

Her eyes lit up. "Oh! Yeah! Can I come with you?"

"No."

She frowned. "So, I saved your life, and you're just going to-"

"I got you a hundred-thousand bits from the royal treasury. Your argument is invalid."

He rested his head on the couch pillow. The little grey pegasus placed her chin on the cushion right next to his face, and her pupils grew humongous.

"Pleeease?"

He jumped up and swore. "Fuck, that scared me. I didn't know ponies could voluntarily control their pupils."

"It's just me, actually," she corrected, rubbing her eyes. Her pupils shrank back to normal. "It kinda hurts though."

He sighed. "Listen, aren't you going to the Town Hall to see the princess and watch the sun rise?"

"Mm-hm." She was still rubbing her eyes.

"That's where I'm going, except I have to be with Celestia the whole time. We can walk there together, if you'd like. And, most likely, we're gonna see each other during the party anyways."

She thought about that for a moment, then smiled. "Okay. Thanks, Sweetie!"

"You're welcome-"

He stopped when he realized Derpy was kissing him on the cheek.

She drew back, blushing. "Whoops. Sorry." She giggled and bounded into the hallway.

Hunter sat there, dumbfounded.

Not sure how to react, he put a hand to the cheek she kissed.

What the hell?

Something's squirming under my hand!

"HOLY SHIT!" he yelled, swatting a june beetle from his face.

Hunter woke up, not feeling exactly 'refreshed', but still well enough to perform his duties. He checked the clock.

Four-thirty-five in the morning. About an hour until I'm supposed to meet up with Celestia.

He yawned and sat up. The house was dark, and comfortably quiet.

Quiet.

In Derpy's house.

He got up. Slightly alarmed but not in panic-mode, he went from room to room in search of Ditzy.

What if she's just sleeping?

Well, she's not in her bed.

And the only other place she would sleep is on top of you...

He heard the click of a door unlocking, and rushed into the living room.

Derpy walked through the front door, a lampshade on her head.

"You're awake! Hi, Sweetie!" She waved at him.

All that worrying...

Worrying? I wasn't worried.

"Where have you been?"

Derpy lifted the lampshade high enough so she could see. "Well, Pinkie stopped by and told me about this party going on at the library. So guess where I've been for the past four hours!"

He scowled. "Why didn't you tell me you were leaving?"

Derpy frowned upon hearing this. "Sweetie, I'm a grown mare. I don't need to check in with you everywhere I go."

She's right, you know.

Guess you forgot about that...

He sighed, barely choking out the words. "Sorry, Derpy."

She smiled, and gave him a hug around the waist. "It's okay. You were just worried about me, right?"

"I wasn't-"

You were.

She let go of the hug, grinning up at him. Her expression radiated warmness.

Not paying attention, the lampshade fell back over her eyes. She squeaked, then giggled.

"Sweetie, I'm feeling light-headed!"

"Haha. Funny."

She began to wobble. "No, really, I'm getting dizzy."

She almost fell, but Hunter caught her and pulled the lampshade off her head. He then carried her over to the couch, and set her down where he had previously been sleeping.

"Thanks, Sweetie," she said, eyes spinning.

"No problem. You need some rest?"

"And some Tummies®. I think I had too much hot sauce..."

He got up to go to the kitchen. He thought he'd seen some medicine in the kitchen cabinet earlier...

He stopped. Something caught his eye.

It was the fridge. He turned, and approached it.

It was slightly smaller than the human-sized ones on Earth, but it reminded him of the one he had in his own home.

It was absolutely covered in pictures.

But while his was covered mostly in his daughter's drawings and various Christmas cards, this was stocked with photos. Photos that he thought would normally be placed in frames.

He looked at one. There Derpy was, a wing draped around a pink unicorn. They both looked young, maybe in their late teens if Hunter was any judge on the looks of ponies.

His eyes shifted to another photo. There she was again, holding an infant pony. Foals, he thought they were called. She looked much younger, not much more than a foal herself. The next photo over, she was kissing it on the forehead.

His gaze set on another picture. It looked like a small family photo. Her father, a grey pegasus much like Derpy but with blue eyes, sat on the left of whom Hunter guessed was her mother. Even with the little time he had spent here, Hunter knew she was probably considered attractive; her coat was a striking white, and her mane was dark blue with a lighter shade of the same color running down in a streak. In the same photo, Derpy was with the pink unicorn again. They had their forelegs draped around each other, and they both shared that same wide-mouthed grin.

"I thought you were looking for the Tummies."

Hunter jerked his head around to the voice. It was Derpy's; she stood in the entrance, one eye watching Hunter inquisitively and the other pointing towards the ceiling.

He stood awkwardly. "Oh, yeah. Sorry."

"It's okay." She paused. "Those pictures are something to look at, aren't they?"

He looked back to the fridge. "Yeah."

She walked over, and sat down beside him. She gestured for him to sit too.

The two sat in front of the fridge, looking at Derpy's photos.

"That one's one of my favorites," Derpy said, pointing to a picture of her and the pink unicorn eating cotton candy. "It was my fifteenth birthday. My sister and I went to the carnival in Manehattan."

What a terrible pun.

"Is that where you grew up?"

She shook her head. "We grew up in Trottingham. It's a town on the other side of Canterlot, a lot like this one. Small. Friendly."

"I see," Hunter said, nodding.

"There's my family right there." She pointed to the picture he had been looking at when she came in. "My dad's the grey pegasus, and my mom's the white unicorn. You can guess who the pink unicorn is."

"Right."

She sighed. "Sometimes, I miss them."

It came out before Hunter could stop it. "What happened?"

Derpy sniffled. "I ran away."

Why? Hunter thought, but didn't say it.

She stared at the ground. Apparently, she didn't need any further prodding. "Everypony in my family is smart. My dad, my mom, even my little sister is smart. I'm the stupid one."

"Come on, you're not stupid."

"Then tell me this. If I'm not stupid, why did I go out on my twenty-first birthday, get drunk, and have sex? My parents always told me not to do both those things, but I can't even listen to something smart."

Hunter was stunned. He really couldn't imagine Derpy doing any of that. Yet, here they were.

"It would be fun, they said." She was becoming visibly angry. "It sure was fun, going to the doctor a few months later and finding out you're bucking pregnant!"

Hunter was stock still. It was like one of those times when two people get into a screaming match, and you're stuck awkwardly in the middle. You don't open your mouth, not even twitch, lest you make a wrong move.

Tears fell freely from her eyes. "I was so ashamed. I didn't want to go back and tell them what I did. Of all the dumb things I'd ever done, that topped the cake. So I snuck in the house while no one was home, took some of my things, and boarded the next train to anywhere but there."

She put her face in her hooves. There was a puddle on the ground underneath her now, and her mane was become wet in the salty mixture.

"They all hate me now. I know they do."

Hesitatingly, Hunter began to stroke her mane. He spoke softly in her ear, "They don't hate you, Derpy. If you went back, right now, I'm sure they would be happy to see you."

She didn't stop crying, but looked at him out of the corner of her eye.

He continued. "No matter how stu- No matter what mistakes you make, they'll always love you. I have a daughter, and I'll tell you, there is no way in hell I could even think of hating her. In fact, I miss her a lot right now. I'm sure your family feels the same way."

She took her face out of her hooves, and looked up at him. The remnants of tears still stained her cheeks, but her eyes seemed full of hope.

"Fuck, please?" she asked, holding out her hooves.

Hunter looked confused for a moment. She didn't even wait for his his permission; she embraced him, taking him in a bone-crushing hug and burying her face into his chest.

A few minutes later, he placed her in bed. She had worn herself out from all the crying, and ended up falling asleep in his arms.

As he walked out the door, Hunter looked back. The blankets rose and fell in time with her snoring.

He couldn't help but chuckle.

When I leave here, she might be the one thing I miss about this place.

At exactly five-twenty-three, Hunter gently shook Ditzy awake.

Something he learned at that moment; never wake a pregnant Derpy within kicking distance.

Hunter cursed as he received a swift kick to the thigh, effectively knocking him to the ground.

"Oh! I'm so sorry!" Derpy gasped, immediately waking up, "I do that sometimes. It's been happening ever since the pregnancy, I don't know why!"

"It's... fine..." Hunter grunted, holding his thigh.

Derpy made her way off the bed. "Are you sure you don't want some ice, or-" Her foreleg buckled, and she hit the ground with an oomph!

Hunter chuckled. "I'm fine, but if you can't even make it out of bed, I don't think you should go..."

"Oh yeah, barbecue legs?"

He burst into laughter. After wiping the tears from his eyes, he corrected her. "Celestia healed that for me, you know."

"I know," Derpy said, grinning with him.

"...but yeah, some ice might help."

"Right. I'll go get some."

Minutes later, they were out the door.

The air was brisk. Rays of light shone from over the horizon, hinting at the coming sun. Minuscule stars sparkled in the dark morning sky, contrasting the twilight in the east.

"Don't you just love the smell of grass in the morning?" Derpy asked, taking in a long, meaningful sniff.

Hunter seemingly ignored her question. "Hey, weren't you supposed to go to work yesterday?"

"Nope."

He cocked his head. "Then why did you make such a big deal about waking up on time?"

She continued to daintily prance about. "I forgot that it was a holiday. Don't think I'm completely stupid, Sweetie," she chided.

"Just thought you forgot is all."

Suddenly, the air was electrified. The murmuring of an excited crowd could be heard in the distance.

"We're here!" Derpy exclaimed excitedly, pointing at the town hall.

"Good. Now, this way, Derpy."

She stopped, confused. "But the entrance is that way."

Hunter smiled. "Not for authorized personnel."

She smiled, following him. "I don't know what that means, but it sounds good!"

He led her to the back door of the building, and rapped quickly.

A slot in the door opened. Hunter assumed it was eye-level to a pony, but in reality, it was no higher than his waistline. Two eyes stared at his crotch for a moment, confused, until Hunter coughed.

The eyes looked up, and studied him. Then, a gruff voice, "Passcode?"

Hunter sighed. "Solar cake." The purpose for that choice of code eluded him.

The slot closed. For a few seconds, they waited.

Then, the door opened. Hunter stepped aside, gesturing to the entrance. "Mares first."

Derpy giggled and walked inside. Hunter followed after her.

The guard manning the door rolled his eyes as he watched them turn the corner. Closing the door, he muttered, "I see some weird shit in this town..."

Another rapping at the door. The guard sighed.

Patience. That's what these ponies need to learn...

He slid open the slot and peered outside. "Passcode?"

Nopony was out there. He frowned.

"What the hell-"

All of a sudden, a blue mist filled his vision and caused his eyes to sting horribly. He was about to scream, but it came in through the slot and covered his mouth.

A few minutes later, the blue mist passed by. The guard was on the ground, out cold.

Author's Note

I just wasn't feeling it this chapter. Next one will be much better, I promise.

The Adventure Begins

Derpy's Protector: Chapter VI

Derpy sat in the main room of the Town Hall, spreading some butter on a piece of toast. Sweetie had left to go guard Celestia a few minutes ago, leaving her with nothing to do but wait.

As it was, simply eating the toast she made was getting boring. Instead, she decided to do some experiments, testing out a century-old adage.

"Ma'am, what are you doing with that slice of bread?"

Derpy looked up to see a unicorn stallion wearing a monocle. For some strange reason, he was scowling at her.

She gave him a smile. "I'm butterin' it, mister! And, for future reference, it's actually toast, not bread. Don't worry, I make that mistake too, sometimes," she assured him. She then returned to her work, her tongue sticking out and one eye pointing at the ceiling in concentration.

The uptight stallion raised an eyebrow, watching the knife go back and forth across the toast. After a moment of this, he shook his head. "No, no, no, you're doing it wrong!"

Derpy looked at him again, confused. "What?"

He took the knife from her using his magic. "See now," he demonstrated, gracefully bringing it back and forth along the toast, "You need to go up and down, not side to side or diagonally."

"Oh!" she exclaimed, plucking the toast off the plate once it was finished. "Thank you so much!"

"Pssh," he mumbled, "Common ponies."

She brought the buttered toast up to snout level. Then, she dropped it on the floor.

The stallion gasped. "Why did you do that? That was a perfectly buttered slice of toast!"

In response to this, she squealed, "Exactly! Now I know why it didn't work last time!"

"Huh?"

The unicorn walked around to her side of the table. He followed her working eye to the ground, where two pieces of buttered toast sat. One was buttered side up. The other, the one he made for her, was butter side down.

He snorted, turning his nose up in a posh manner, and trotted off.

Ditzy sighed. "That's the fourth pony today..." She looked at the doorway near the stage.

"I wonder what Sweetie's doing right now?"

"Get... Down..."

"Hah! And why should I?"

Hunter looked down the sights of his pistol. The gun was aimed at none other than Nightmare Moon.

His eyes kept shifting to Celestia, who lay bound, gagged, and unconscious on the floor.

Do not underestimate this figure. She took down the Earth equivalent of an amazon. She's dangerous.

Hunter's hand tightened on the grip. "Trust me, you don't want to find out."

A blue aura surrounded the gun, and the magazine fell out.

Nightmare Moon smirked. "I know about your weapons, human. Your species was abundant in these lands long ago. Though I must say, it was a surprise to see you walk through that door." She regarded him, then darkly muttered, "It would be a shame, should something happen to you."

She took a step towards him. Hunter remained unmoving, finger on the trigger. Through gritted teeth, he muttered his final warning. "Stand down."

She laughed. "Ha! What are you going to do, shoot me?"

CRACK!

Nightmare Moon howled in pain. Red liquid seeped out of her hind leg, staining her dark blue coat.

Hunter slipped the gun back into its holster and pulled out his knife. "You must not know us as well as you thought, Nightmare Moon. I still had a bullet in the chamber."

Nightmare Moon's smug demeanor didn't change. "The monkey knows my name. So, Celestia briefed you on my arrival?"

Hunter nodded. "She told me to kill you only if I deem it necessary." He pointed the tip of his knife at her. "Don't make me deem it necessary."

The dark mare began to chuckle. That chuckle escalated into full-blown laughter, making Hunter uneasy.

"Oh, my foolish little human," she jeered, standing, "You should have put a bullet through my head while you had the chance."

Hunter lunged forward, swinging his knife in a motion that should have slit her throat. Instead, it passed right through her with no resistance at all.

"Huh-?" He stumbled right through and out the back of her.

She cackled. "I've spent a lot of time on that forsaken rock. Enough time to learn new powers."

Hunter whipped around, in time for two hooves to come crashing into his stomach. The force of the blow sent him tumbling across the ground, losing hold of his knife in the process.

"Unfortunately for you, Celestia couldn't have informed you of that."

Gasping for air, he watched helplessly as the Mare in the Moon walked towards him, victory painting her features. He turned his head, and saw the knife lying on the ground.

It was only a few feet from him!

The knife... Gotta get the knife...

He reached out for it. Slowly, painfully, he inched closer and closer, until he was mere centimeters from his weapon.

Come on, just a little closer...

A hoof slammed down on his wrist.

He looked up, and saw Nightmare Moon standing over him. Her horn glowed, and she was saying something, something he couldn't make out at first.

"...but I'll give you a chance to live, seeing as how you are a fine warrior, and a rather handsome one at that. In the future, though, stay out of my way, and I'll stay out of yours."

Before Hunter could respond, her horn glowed. The glow grew, until his vision filled with white.

Everything was white.

Four troops sat in a Humvee, at the front of a convoy. 'Joey' was at the wheel, with Hunter beside him. Keller and John sat in the back.

"Ya'll ready back there?"

Keller scowled. "Don't do it-"

"Go!" Hunter yelled.

Joey put the pedal to the metal. The Humvee roared, racing past shacks and kicking up dirt everywhere.

After a few seconds of the soldiers being bolted to their seats, the vehicle slowed, eventually coming to a halt at the end of the dirt road.

Before Joey could even give a 'whoop', Keller was on him.

"What the hell, man!?"

Joey just laughed. "Come on, relax a bit. Ya been way too uptight ever since ya got here."

Keller had no intention of calming down. "We're not in the damned green zone anymore, James. We don't wanna piss off the locals any more than we have to."

'James' clicked his tongue. "The name's actually Billy-Jim if ya wanna be specific. But come on, man, we got a whole convoy behind us. Them ragheads ain't gonna attack."

As if the whole universe just wanted a laugh at him, there was a flash, and the ear-deafening sound of an RPG hitting a tank full of gas filled the air.

Hunter saw it first. The glint of a barrel in the sunlight.

"Get down!" he yelled, yanking Joey by the cuff of his collar. Gunfire erupted, bullets ricocheted off the dashboard and tore into the seats.

The rain of bullets seemed to go on forever. Hunter heard doors open and people shouting, but nobody in the car moved.

Finally, Joey's wide eyes caught his own. They stared at each other like that, until Joey yelled, "We ain't gettin' out a' this 'less we do sometin'!"

Hunter shook his head. "We can't do anything! We move, they riddle us with holes!"

Joey smirked. Hunter didn't like that.

"Wanna see somethin' so stupid it gets us out alive?"

"Not really!"

Joey went ahead anyway. He grabbed hold of the steering wheel, then floored the gas, all while too low to have any way to tell where they were going. The Humvee lurched forward, sending Hunter's head whipping around to face the back seat.

That's when he saw it. The image that would stay burned in his mind forever.

His friend, Greg Keller, sat upright in his seat, eyes wide open. His head hung forward, mouth dribbling what was either saliva or bile, mixed in with an unhealthy amount of blood. His face, if you could still call it that, held two bullet wounds; one through the cheek and the other right above the nose. Blood spread in a wide plume across his chest, almost covering his entire upper body.

Steve wanted to look away, but he couldn't. Those eyes. Those shocked eyes. He may not have even seen the bullets coming-

There was a wump, as if the vehicle had just run over something. Or someone. With a crashing sound, the Humvee abruptly stopped, sending Hunter to the front again. His helmet collided with the dashboard, and the lights went out.

Whap!

Ugh... What the hell?

Whap-whap whap!

My face stings. Am I being... Slapped?

Whap, whap-whap!

Hunter's eyes, bleary from sleep, slowly focused on the face hanging over him.

"Derpy," he croaked, "What's happen-"

Whap!

His cheek stung, and his face flushed red. "Ow! What the hell?"

He felt a drop of liquid land on his cheek. He realized it wasn't saliva this time, but tears.

"Oh, Sweetie!" Ditzy cried, hugging his neck, "I thought you were dead!"

He peeled her off and set her beside him, suddenly a bit worried about the whole situation. She was smiling, and the evident trails of tears stained her cheeks.

"Why would you think I'm dead?" he asked, afraid of the answer.

Her lip quivered, and she nearly snapped his spine with a hug. "The princess was gone, Sweetie! And I thought that if somepony ponynapped her, then they had to have gone through you, right?"

It all came back to him then. He remembered finding Celestia knocked out on the floor. He recalled the fight, and how Nightmare Moon won in the end.

"That little bitch..."

Derpy looked up at him, surprised at his brash expression of anger.

Hunter stood up, placing her on the floor. He looked to where he had seen Celestia tied up earlier. Of course, she was gone.

He looked back to the little grey pegasus. "What all happened? Did you see Celestia?"

She looked confused, but willing to cooperate. "No. There was only that mean pony that said she was going to make nighttime! Forever!"

Uh-huh. Nothing new here, but at least I know I got my facts straight.

"Come on, Derpy," Hunter said, first picking up his gun then grabbing her by the hoof.

"Where are we going?" she asked, stumbling on three legs and a pregnant belly.

"We're gonna play detective."

Hunter stepped out in front of the crowd. He waited for the murmuring to stop, as every head turned in curiosity towards the strange creature near the stage.

He cupped his hands to his mouth. "Alright, all you horses! Celestia's personal guard here! Clear out before I chop you all up and sell you to the glue factory!"

None of the ponies in the town hall's recreation room got the glue factory reference, but they did understand that a giant alien was threatening to chop them up.

A couple hundred equines flooded out through all exits, knocking over tables and the like but otherwise leaving the place deserted.

"Well, that wasn't very nice!" Derpy scolded, doing her best to look serious.

"If we're going to look for clues, we'll need the place to be clear. That means no ponies."

"Yeah, but now all the clues are messed up by the running ponies' hooves!"

Hunter looked at her, contemplating what she just said. She smiled at him, her left eye rolling upwards and her tongue sticking out.

"That's probably the smartest thing I've ever heard you say," he muttered under his breath.

But she was right.

"What about that note?" she asked, sitting on her rump and pointing somewhere with her hoof.

Hunter followed her hoof, until his eyes fell upon a pink sticky-note stuck on the wall. He walked up to it, Derpy right behind him after she managed to get back up.

Stevie. Meet me at the Golden Oaks Library.

-Pinkie Pie

"What's it say?" Derpy asked, trying to get around him to look at the note.

He pulled the sticky note off the wall, showing her in the hopes that she would know where this place is.

Her eyes lit up. "Oh! That's Twilight's house!"

Hunter's eyes showed hope as well. "Do you know how to get there?"

She quickly nodded. "Yeah! Follow me!"

She began to trot off, Hunter following close behind.

She's been very useful tonight.

Strange things are happening...

Author's Note

Yeah, it's been a long time since I last updated. I've gotten engrossed in my other story, Close Bonds.

Also, my proofreader, hwrogers, made a fic. I must say, it is quite good, standing out among the tons of HiE fics that are submitted. Winging it With a Ukulele is its name, go check it out!

First Impressions

Derpy's Protector: Chapter I

Stargazing was a favorite pastime of Twilight's. By now, she had memorized and could name all the stars that could be seen with the naked eye, and then some.

An incredible feat, yes. But, when asked if she had a special interest in stars (her cutie mark was often mistaken for a talent in astronomy), she always just said that it was one of her hobbies.

From stars to sand, Twilight was very knowledgeable. It was why she was currently in Celestia's School for Gifted Unicorns. So, when she saw the lightning bolt appear from a cloudless sky, she knew something was off.

She pointed her telescope into the city below, looking for clues as to where it had struck. She had read about instances similar to this, where lightning would appear under completely unnatural circumstances. Oftentimes, something was being transported through these bolts of electricity.

She spotted a small scorched crater in the park of whatever town she was looking at. Ponytown or something like that, she couldn't remember at the moment.

She refocused the lens, but once the spot was in clear vision, there was nothing peculiar about it, other than the peculiar lightning bolt hitting a peculiar spot making a peculiarly deep, and must she say peculiarly shaped hole.

Other than that, it was completely normal. But wait...

Another peculiarity.

Some of the grass around the point of impact was flattened, not in a perimeter as if the force from the blast had made a circle around the crater, but as if a large figure had been rolling around on the ground.

She smiled, her suspicions about this peculiar lightning bolt confirmed.

"Spike, take a note."

No answer.

"Spike?"

Still no response.

She whipped around, cranky from sleep deprivation. "SPIKE!!!"

A little purple dragon nearly jumped out of his scales, his half-asleep mind frantically trying to work out what was going on.

After running into a wall, he (almost) straightened himself out and dizzily saluted Twilight.

"Spike here, reporting for doozzzyy..."

His voice trailed off as he passed out on the ground, retaking the form he had been in prior to his abrupt awakening.

At this point, Twilight had already floated a notebook and a quill in front of her, manually taking notes instead of having Spike do it.

She paused for a second, and turned around to gaze at the sleeping baby dragon on the floor.

"Aww, my little Spikey-wikey needs his sleep," she cooed, using her telekinesis to float him into his basket and cover him with a star-patterned blanket.

"Sleep well, my number-one-assistant," she said, kissing him atop the forehead and trotting back to her telescope.

"Let's see... A pair of hoofprints, leading back towards what seems to be the heart of the city, if you can call it that." She chuckled for a moment at her stab at the small town. The houses were so small and old-fashioned, compared to the marvelous manors of Canterlot.

After she was done listing her observations, she neatly packed everything away, including the telescope, and slipped into bed. She thought about tomorrow, and how she would report first thing in the morning to her mentor about the strange bolt of lightning, that may or may not have contained an extraterrestrial being.

With her thoughts of aliens and science, she soon fell unconscious into the warm embrace of slumber.

Oh fuck... What happened?

Everything hurt. His back, his legs, his head, even his eyelids groaned as he tried to open them.

This definitely isn't my bunk...

He recalled the events prior to waking up here.

Let's see... I boarded an unknown cargo ship with my squad, because we had spotted weapons. Andrew was leading us. He told me to breach the first door. When I kicked it in, there was a flash.

He tried to remember anything past that. Recalling nothing, he decided to inspect his surroundings.

He painfully turned his head to the side, observing the room around him.
Is this some kind of midget house or something? Everything is fricken small!

Indeed, in comparison to what he was used to, everything was tiny. Even the couch he lay on almost wasn't large enough to accommodate the full length of his body.

Besides, why am I even in ahouse? Last I checked, I was in the middle of the Indian Ocean.

His brain hatched a brilliant explanation to it all.

Maybe I triggered a trap when I kicked open the door, was knocked unconscious by the explosion, then a civilian took me in.

No, wait, genius. Indian Ocean, remember?

Oh. Yeah.

He decided he would check himself for injuries.

He took a deep breath, counted to three, and hoisted himself up. A burning sensation overtook his legs, and he let out a yelp as his spine cracked into position.

He shouted a few curse words before being met by a shadow on the floor.

"Hello? Are you okay?"

He had failed to realize that someone may have been watching him all along, hearing him blurt out profanities in their household.

Unclenching his eyes, he looked up and tried to redeem himself.

Wincing, he spoke. "Hello, my name is HOLY SWEET MOTHER OF-"

She cocked her head. "Well, that's a funny name. I'll just have to call you 'Sweetie', okay?"

He shook his head. This had to be a dream. He had woken up in a midget house that was occupied by a grey, blonde-haired talking pony with wings.

Either a dream, or he had been given extra-strong painkillers.

She saw that he wasn't talking, so she introduced herself. "My name is Ditzy. Ditzy Hooves. Most people call me Derpy though, I don't know why."

At that exact moment, her yellow eyes decided to cross, giving 'Sweetie' a full understanding of the nickname.

This disarmed him a bit, though he was still slightly unnerved by the whole 'talking pony' thing.

He decided to ask the first thing that came to mind.

"Where am I?"

She smiled brightly. "My house, silly!"

Well no shit.

Actually, just a second ago you were wondering-

Shut up brain.

He half-attempted a smile, and specified. "No, I know that. I meant, what city am I in?"

She said it like it was the most wonderful little place in the world. "You're in Ponyville! You didn't know? Well, I suppose you wouldn't, considering you came out of a lightning bolt."

Wait wait wait, hold on there. What?

"Okay wait, back it up. So you're saying I," the implication sounded preposterous, "came out of a lightning bolt?"

She nodded her head rapidly.

"And I'm currently in a town called Ponyville?"

"Yep!"
He gulped, fearing the answer to his next question. "Which means I'm in a town full of... Ponies?"

"That's about it!"

He realized at that point that he probably wasn't going to be home in time for Christmas.

"So you say a lightning bolt hit Ponyville last night?"

Twilight nodded, but had to clarify. "Yes, but it wasn't just any lightning bolt. It was very peculiar."

Celestia eyed her student. "How so?"

Twilight pulled out a book. "There were no clouds, it left a large hole in the ground, and on top of that, there were signs of struggle and hoofprints around the point of impact."

Celestia was becoming curious, trying to figure out where this was going. "What are you implying?"

Twilight smiled, glad that she had gotten her mentor's attention. She opened up the book. "Since there were signs of struggle, somepony had obviously been affected by the lightning. But there was no body, and the hoofprints leading away from the area showed no signs of limping."

The princess was indeed interested. "Go on."

"Well, I recalled something I had read a while back, about beings being transported by lightning. So I searched for it again, and sure enough," she flipped a few pages, and slammed her hoof on a certain paragraph, "here it is!"

Celestia read it out loud. "Brontotransportation; the transportation of objects through lightning. Usually achieved through magic." There was more, but it was mostly stuff about when it was first seen and the effects it had on history, yada yada.

Twilight looked expectantly to her. She said nothing, causing an unnerving silence.

"You don't believe me, do you?" Twilight finally asked, breaking the silence.

Celestia donned a pleasant, but obviously fake smile. "I believe you, Twilight. In fact, you have helped me more than you know."

Before Twilight could respond, Celestia had already walked out of the room, the double doors swinging closed behind her.

"Are you okay, Sweetie? You've been sitting there for ten whole minutes."

He snapped out of his trance, realizing that Derpy had pulled up a chair and was sitting in it, observing him.

Although no tears escaped his eyes, his face was plastered with despair. "I'm not sure if I'm okay. I... I have a wife and a daughter back home. Are we still on Earth?"

She cocked her head at first, but after her slightly slow mind put two and two together, she shook her head sadly.

He buried his face in his hands. It took a strong man to realize he may never see his family again, and not go crazy at the thought of it.

He had to outsource his grief somehow, however, and stood up suddenly. He was going to beat the living fluff out of that couch, but an extreme burning sensation even worse than the one before clawed at his shins. His ankle bent at an unnatural angle, and he collapsed back onto the couch, screaming with both pain and frustration.

Derpy rushed out of the room, and returned with two ice packs. Gently, she placed them on his shins.

He nearly kicked her in the face from the initial surprise, but after a few moments, the burning went away and he was left feeling grateful to her.

"Thanks, Derpy," he said, relaxing as the pain subsided.

"No problem, Sweetie," she said, hugging him.

Wow, she's a brave little pony, he thought, taking care of and hugging a complete alien. I admire that.

He wanted to clear something up though, before it was too late. "By the way, the name's actually Hunter. Steve Hunter."

She raised an eyebrow. "I thought you said your name was-"

"I was actually about to shout a profanity, but you interrupted me before I could."

She frowned, pondering this. The frown dissipated, and she casually stated, "I think I like Sweetie better."

He groaned. It was too late; the nickname had stuck.

Then something strange happened.

Did a small foot just kick me in the side?

Derpy released herself from the hug, looking down at her belly. He hadn't even noticed the bump between her legs prior.

"Ooh! I just felt the foal kick! Did you feel her kick?"

He scratched the back of his head uncomfortably. "Yeah, I did. It was... pleasant. But that brings up something important."

"Yes?" she responded, feeling her belly for any more signs of movement.

"You said I arrived in a flash of lightning. Now, since I don't remember anything, I assume I was unconscious, right?"

She didn't even look up, just nodded and gave an "Mm-hm."

"So does that mean you carried me from wherever I was, all the way back to your house?"

She smiled and said, "Yep!"

Hunter looked shocked. "Weren't you worried that something might happen that could harm your... Foal?"

Derpy's careless expression suddenly changed to a serious demeanor. "It's my job as Muffin Mayor to ensure the safety of all those in need, even the Alien Keepers of Lightning!"

He looked at Derpy like she had just told him that the world was flat and the sun and the moon were controlled by magic wizards.

"Derpy, what the f- no, you know what? One, what the hell are you talking about, two, what did you just call me?"

"Well," she said, eager to explain, "I have a special ability to sense things about muffins. I call it my 'Muffin Sense', kind of like Pinkie Pie's 'Pinkie Sense'."

Hunter face-palmed, not believing the crap he was hearing.

"Who's Pinkie Pie?"

Derpy brought her hoof to her forehead, a loud smack sounding. "Doi! You haven't met Pinkie Pie yet! Well, she should be coming over soon, I'm sure you'll love her!"

I'm sure I will.

"So, anyway," she went on, "I first discovered my muffin sense when there was this really creepy stallion, and he said-"

"Derpy, let's move on to the next thing."

She stopped in the middle of her sentence, slightly confused by the interruption. "Oh. Okay." She brightened up a bit once she began her story.

"So I was taking a walk last night, because I read that it's good to take walks when you're pregnant, right? And so, I get to the park, and right and front of me there's a huge bolt of lightning!"

"How exciting," Hunter said nonchalantly, "Go on."

"Well, anyways, after I nearly gave birth on the spot, I walked over and saw you lying there in a hole. I admit, I was scared by how big you were at first, but you looked hurt, and so I decided to check for injuries. I was surprised when the only burns you had were on your legs, but was worried when I saw your broken foot, and right there I decided that you needed help. And so, I resolved to take you back to my house."

She paused, looking up at Hunter to see if he was still listening. He was, and upon being reassured of this, she continued.

"The first time I tried to pick you up, I slipped and you rolled down the hill. But I successfully lifted you onto my shoulders the second time, carried you home, and pulled all the little sharp pieces of metal out of you."

"Pieces of metal?" he thought out loud, one thing coming to his mind.

"Mm-hm," she nodded, and gestured to a bowl that had apparently been sitting by the couch the whole time.

He leaned over, grunting a bit, and looked into the bowl.

His suspicions were confirmed Shrapnel.

He turned over onto his back, and resumed conversation. "Okay, but I'm still not exactly sure why you call me the 'King of Thunder' if I was almost killed by it."

"'Keeper of Lightning'", she corrected, "and I assumed you were, because of that lightning rock you had on your belt."

His eyes shot wide open. "The what?"

"Well, you had a weird shaped rock that shot out lightning. I found it in your belt-pocket-thingy, and when I pulled it out..."

Hunter didn't hear anything past 'weird shaped rock', as his hands flew to his holster in search of his handgun.

Nothing there.

"Where is it??" he shouted, afraid of what damage someone like Derpy could inadvertently cause.

"I left it in the kitchen. Here, I'll go get it."

"No, Derpy! Don't touch it!"

His cries went unheard as Derpy bolted out of the room, and came back holding Hunter's Mark 23 pistol, barrel pointed straight at him.

"I don't know how it works, so-"

"Derpy! Point that thing away from me!"

She wondered what he meant by that, then noticed the barrel.

"Oh! So that's where it comes out of!" She then proceeded to point the thing straight at her face and curiously look down the hole.

Hunter face-palmed so hard his hand almost went straight through his face. The damn horse is gonna get herself killed...

As if the universe conspired with his thoughts, a loud bang resounded through the house.

He looked up, expecting the worst. Derpy stood there, eyes spinning, wobbling slightly with a hoof on her head. The gun lay on the ground, probably knocked out of her hooves by the recoil.

Hunter let out a relieved sigh upon finding no blood.

"That was... Loud," she said, looking up at the ceiling. Two holes allowed sunlight to stream through the roof.

Two holes.

"Derpy, did this happen last night too??"

She shook her head, trying to clear the ringing in her ears. "Yeah, it did," she said, slightly guiltily.