Greetings from Equestria.. Help Me...Please....

by Asylum

Rating: teen
Tags: Other, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Human, Comedy
Length: 1817

Yeah I hate my life sometimes...

Ever have a time where life just seems to decide that you deserve to suffer. Yeah, that's me... I guess these are my memoirs...

Published 2013-01-06 15:40:01 UTC
Last updated 2013-01-07 22:49:01 UTC

Day 1... I guess..

Erm… Hello there fellow bronies… Recently something happened to me… I know this will sound crazy, but I think I ended up in Equestria. Yeah right I hear you say, well I would agree with you if not for the fact that it seems true. I think it would be better to recount my experience, if you could call it that, from the beginning.

So imagine will you, going to bed like any other night, and in the morning (late afternoon for me… I like to sleep don’t judge me) when you go outside to bring in the garbage cans, that there is no driveway, nor garbage cans. Instead there’s just a forest and for some strange reason a white picket fence. No My house did not have a white picket fence before, that would be far to cliché. But lo and behold a picket fence there is. Seriously did people ever really have perfect lawns with picket fences in suburbia, really? Because to me that just seems like nonsense made up to represent the… I’m getting off topic… Point is, no driveway, no garbage cans, stupid overdone cliché.

As would be expected by any reasonable human being I automatically assumed that my friends were fucking with me. No don’t look at me like that; I’m a perfectly sane and rational individual… Sorta… Regardless I went and got my machete to go and so my asshole friends what was what, yes I have a machete… for erm gardening, yep that’s it. Marching outside, I stood in my boxers and yelling at the top of my lungs calling for blood, as would be expected no answer. Well to be honest looking back at that, that probably should have clued me into the fact that this was no prank. Well that and the fact that my friends probably lacked the resources to dig up and plant my house in a different location. Yeaaaaaah…
Oh well, too late to now, after my whole tirade thingy I decided to do it the proper way, and explore. After taking a shower, getting dressed, eating breakfast (lunch), and watching a few youtube videos. Why yes I have good priorities. By the time I finally got around to exploring the sun was beginning to set. What followed could only be described as the longest game of cat & mouse I have ever participated in. I think I finally realized that I wasn’t still on earth with you guys when the manticore came round. I could spend an hour explaining how I escaped in great detail or I could just give you a summary. Being the lazy person I am, I ran, it chased, It got its head stuck in a log. By sheer dumb luck, I managed to escape with my life intact and a few heirlooms. I’m sure he’ll grow that tooth back, maybe.

What I found after was something that could only be described as a dream; well I suppose for some it would be a nightmare. Ponyville. How did I know it was Ponyville? Apparently they never showed it in the show, but there is in fact a clearly labeled sign with a population count and everything. By the way, there are currently two thousand and forty-three residents in Ponyville. True fact. Now at this point you’re asking me if you’re in Equestria for realz, why would you bother writing and posting this to the internets? First off, shut up. Second off, because I want there to be a written record of my life in Equestria in case things take a turn for the worse. Third, because it would break your fanboy hearts and your tears are delicious. Other then that because I’m bored, but back to the story. Where was I? Oh yeah, me being an absolute coward.
So there I was standing outside of Ponyville with my jaw hanging, when something hit me. I’m in Equestria. After that came the realization that I was indeed in Equestria. Following this revelation I was able to piece together that I was in fact in Equestria. Basically I stood there for about 5 minutes staring off into space. ~~Now you would think I would be enthralled by this turn of events, quite the contrary to be honest. Being the perfectly rational sane man that I am, a thousand senarios of imminent doom crossed my mind (don't laugh at me, I can see you laughing..) clearly one can not trust colorful innocent ponies from a kids show... At that moment instead of euphoria, all I got was an intense sense of dread that completely overtook me and cause me to take hasty retreat with my figurative tail in between my legs… Yeah kinda sad I know… Believe me when I say it’s not my proudest moment, and I’ve bet on professional wrestling… Not to say that there’s anything wrong with professional wrestling other than the fact that its completely scripted. Sorry I seem to have gone on a tangent…~~ It was totally getting late so I figured I would just head home and explore it on the morrow.

Now I’m pretty sure you saw this coming (I sure as hell shoud’ve), remember that manticore from a few paragraphs before? The one whose fang just so happened to have been on my person. Yeah he was apparently still a little upset, cue another long chase scene. Feel free to imagine me ducking branches and fleeing a pissed off manticore in the dusk of a thick forest to the Benny Hill Theme, I’ll give you a moment…

So yeah here I am back home in one piece more or less, posting this for prosperity and in the hope that maybe someone might be able to come help me one day. Now to address a few more things before I go. As you might have guessed I still have the internet, I would love to explain how the hell this is possible, but I have a feeling that “magic” is the explanation. Shit, I really just did air quotations after typing “magic”… Let me just remind you that I am a perfectly reasonable and sane man, still. No I don’t care what you think.

Tomorrow I plan to go and visit Ponyville again, this time to actually accomplish something other then humiliation… I just realized I didn’t need to degrade myself to the internet and could’ve just came up with an excuse… Anywho, if you happen to be a theoretical scientist feel free to pm me with any portal plans you might have. You know just in case this isn’t actually the canon Equestria… So yeah just a recount of what I discussed, going to Ponyville tomorrow, “magic” explains everything, do not take souvenirs from living animals, and I’m a sane and rational man.

Oh just as a side note in case I don’t get around tomorrow, I’m most likely dead and the manticore from earlier will most likely be full. In that case I’d like to give a shout-out to Lukasz, you know what you did… asshole...One last thing, since some of you seem to suffer from rampant laziness, such as myself *cough* I’ll include a TL:DR section at the bottom of each entry. Adios, see you tomorrow. I hope.

TL:DR Shiz is fucked, help me...

Day 2

Day 2

You remember how I said I’d tell you about my trip to Ponyville, well sadly I never got there. Actually I didn’t even make it out the door. That manticore from yesterday was on my porch this morning, sleeping. Now as a rational individual, I made a decision that was clearly the only option available to me. Not the only option I suppose, but by god it was funny. How to best describe it… I guess you could say the manticore had a “shocking” surprise when he woke up. Now as I’m sure you inferred from the god awful pun, I tased the over grown cat. It seemed like a good plan at the time, the cat in its surprise would sprint away in fear much like I had last night. BUT NO! It just HAD to destroy my new picket fence after my friendly wake up call. I know me and it didn’t get along very well. It being a horrible cliché, and me being a sane man, but I’m going to miss that fence. Maybe I’ll make the headstone out of what’s left of it… Hmm that might be in poor taste…

Well I am currently trying to wait out the beast within the comfort of my home, which for some contrived reason still has heating… I know its “magic” and all that, but it still gets on my nerves. I don’t like magic on my nerves, gives me a headache. Ignoring that I’m basically doing what I would normally do before coming to Equestria, waste time on the internet! I mean why bother going outside and meeting the characters of the show when I can just watch it. Hmm if any of them ever get access to the Internet I’m doomed… Bah no point thinking about that right now. Besides these videos won’t watch themselves! Maybe I’ll get around to actually exploring tomorrow when there aren’t angry cats waiting to maul me… That is assuming that manticore is willing to leave… I’m going to go ask it, I’ll be right back… Yeah that ain’t happening anytime soon. I guess I’ll to do something about it eventually why today.

Well I guess I’ll cut off this entry for now, I’ll write some more after I get the pussy patrol off my lawn… That sounded worse then I thought it would…

So I’m back, stuff happened, manticores gone. To be honest I didn’t actually think that was going to work. I know it’s a cartoon and all, but by god that was an awful plan even by my standards. Either way, I guess I figured out how to repel incredibly dangerous feral beasts. Well I minus as well tell you guys considering I’m still here to talk. Although theres not particularly much to say in the matter. I got a hose and sprayed the beast from my second floor window. I’m actually a little disappointed, now I actually have to go to Ponyville… Didn’t think about that… Well I guess I could just say that I don’t want to, but I’ve made a commitment to the faceless hordes of the internet, the only promise that matters. Still…

I’m sure nothing bad will happen at all and I’ll get along with all of the characters just fine, I mean it’s not like ponies are paranoid xenophobics with a mob mentality. Yep Zecora was welcomed and accepted, right away… I’m doomed… I’m going to go and try to find a manticore to piss off before tomorrow… Maybe some timber wolves...

TL:DR Filler