Kawa's Attempts at Self Discovery and Squick

Twilight Sparkle was visiting her friend Rarity in the boutique.

“So I told him to wander around Ponyville a bit, ‘cause you know there’s always somepony who could use a helping hoof, right?” she finished.

“Quite so, darling”, Rarity agreed. “Why, I could imagine, if this mysterious stallion is as strapping as you make him out to be, he could make quite some bits in our dear Applejack’s orchards, wouldn’t you agree?”

Twilight sat and pondered for a short while, watching as Rarity floated a pot of hot water and some tea bags in from the kitchen.

“Actually Rarity, I don’t think ‘strapping’ is the right word here. I haven’t had that good an opportunity to look, but even though this guy’s easily as large as Big Macintosh or Shining Armor, he doesn’t seem nearly as muscular”, Twilight explained. “Still, from what I know about apple bucking, he could do pretty well, maybe.”

Rarity listened closely as she filled two cups with water and picked a bag. The white unicorn chose Ceylon.

“What I find most intriguing about our mystery pony is his accent.”

“Whatever do you mean, darling?”

“Well, it just sounds… I don’t know… ‘off’?”

Rarity gave her a look that simultaneously said “carry on” and “the great Twilight Sparkle doesn’t know, wow”.

“The first thing he did when he came to the library was read a dictionary, front to back, but then when I introduced myself he pronounced Caelesha’s name as ‘Celestia’. ‘Tee-a’, Rarity! Nopony – no-body ever puts a T there! I’ve read about all sorts of different accents, dialects, and languages, but this is literally the first time I heard somepony call her that.”

Rarity was duly impressed and gave Twilight an unbelieving gaze as she took a sip of her tea. “Honestly, dear?”

“Yes! And there’s all sorts of words he pronounces funny! Such as… words with an A in them”, Twilight continued.

“Do drink your hot water, darling. It’s getting cold.”

“Y’know, Rarity?”

“What?”

“He actually sounds pretty… exotic”, Twilight said almost wistfully.

“You’re kidding me, right?” Rarity replied as she carefully set down her cup.

“Exotic accent, obvious interest in studies…” Twilight mused as she hovered a few different tea bags around in front of her.

“I’m going to have to stop you there, Twilight darling”, Rarity half-jokingly interjected as Twilight picked a Darjeeling from the floating cluster and put it in her cup.

Before Twilight could continue her merry descend onto the path to nightmares, there was a knock on the boutique’s door and a perspective shift in the narrative.

“Just a moment please~”

I waited in front of the door for someone – somepony to open. A few moments later, I heard a latch click and the top half of the door swung away, revealing exactly who I expected.

“I’m so sorry sir, but the boutique is closed at this time. I’m in the middle of a lunch break with a dear friend”, Rarity explained. Somehow, her Midwestern accent in the show translated to a somehow even thicker Equestrian accent. Canterlot, maybe?

I just tipped my hat (somehow) once more. Ingrained hat-related behaviors were my best idea yet. And for a change, I merely smiled, keeping my teeth hidden.

“Yes ah… I expected as much. Mister Spike told me that… that would be the case”, I explained to the somehow much more attractive in person unicorn. Not that Rarity wasn’t attractive in the show, hell naw. This was just… even better. Somehow.

“Wait… you must be mister Kawa, are you not?” Rarity realized. Twilight must’ve been talking about me.

“That’s right”, I said near automatically, with the requisite memetic voice imitation. Something told me using a sensual voice like that would come back to haunt me big time.

“Please, come in. I take it you’re here for Twilight?” Rarity asked as she unlocked the lower half of the door and opened it.

“Yeeeaaah. Not that I wouldn’t… heh… Not that I wouldn’t eventually come ‘round to see you.” I managed to produce with my regular snarky asshole voice.

I could almost hear Rarity’s inner monologue. ‘Oh my, he does sound erotic. I mean, exotic.’ Her face was readable enough to make a rough inference, even to someone like me. Somepony. Whatever. The biggest clue was in the quick shift of her eyes, and the way she almost bit her lower lip.

Or maybe that was just me. I mean, let’s be serious here. Between Big Mac, Shiny, and Fancy Pants, who’d want a guy like me? I could very well imagine even fucking Caramel would be more eligible.

His girlfriend sure thinks so. NYUCK NYUCK.

“Right this way. My dear Twilight and I were just having some tea”, Rarity said as she ushered me into the boutique. “Would you care for a cup?”

I stopped to ponder a potential problem. “I’m… I’m not quite sure if I could ah… drink it without making a mess”, I confessed, uncertain if and how I could hold a cup. “Speshly in such a pretty place.”

“What was that, my dear?”

I snorted in thought. “Well… Sometimes I, umm, have this idea that a p-- pony’s home… reflects its inhabitants, yanno?”

Rarity looked at me as if she expected me to continue doing what (to me) felt like digging my own grave.

“So the ah… exterior? It’s a bit gowdy.”

She frowned. Nopony would dare call the Boutique gaudy and get away with it, after all!

“But now that I can see it, the inside is actually really beautiful.”

That helped. Rarity was back to smiling now. That was good. Now, to finish her off.

“And it’s really much a’ the same with you. Now, this… this is just my opinion but I think make-up ‘n such is highly overrated. You… jump through all these hoops erry day to make yourself look pretty, but you don’t--”

I interrupted myself to (carefully!) boop Rarity on the nose for emphasis.

“You don’t need to, cos you look great without allo’dat!”

For a few tense moments, Rarity just stood there with a distant look in her eyes and a slightly crumpled nose.

“… soooo… got any Earl Grey?”