Kawa's Attempts at Self Discovery and Squick

As I sat there, slumped against a wall and openly weeping – I should elaborate on that a little and mention that I usually remain stoic as a windrammer until I’m alone and then weep – I barely paid any notice at all to any passing ponies that happened to spot me.

I figure such a sort of emotional display is relatively acceptable here, socially speaking. So fuck it, bring the waterworks. Let them see.

What I most certainly did not expect was for one of them to approach me. Between the sobs and popped eardrums I couldn’t quite make out who it was, but an oddly male-sounding, sing-song voice asked me that one thing that revealed their identity right there at the final question mark.

“You okay, mister? Anything I can do to help?”

It couldn’t be. But yeah, it was her. Derpy, the one other pony in this Celestia-all-but-forsaken hole in the ground that was probably more fucked up in the sensory department than I. Not to mention fashion.

“Mister?” she repeated, and prodded me on the forehead with her hoof. That was easy, as my hat had finally fallen off when I hit the wall with the back of my head.

“Yeah”, I mumbled as I pulled myself back off of the wall. “Fo’ now… one thing.”

I embraced Derpy in a careful but still sort of jerky-like hug and cried some more on her shoulder. It felt nice, really, another pony’s body warmth and all that. Derpy seemed surprised at it all if the short gasp was any indication to go by, but soon hugged me back.

“Why are you crying, mister?” she asked as I wondered for just a moment if ‘Derpy’ really was her name. “Did you get any bad news?”

“No… not news. I’m just…”

I stopped trying to formulate the rest of my sentence right there. Derpy didn’t need to know I was crying for being too much of a cowardly little shit to get out there and sweep Cheerilee off her hooves… and I really shouldn’t have thought that. Two-thirds through the thought, the dams burst once more. I just held Derpy tight and made a mess of the fur on her back.

“You shouldn't be hiding when you're sad, you know”, Derpy softly said in my ear. “You never know what might happen when you're alone and things look glum.”

“I guess. Could run into a pony like you”, I whispered back. It was out and done before I realized what I was saying, and I quickly released my hold on Derpy. I’m pretty sure I must’ve been red in the face right then. “I mean – I din’t – you just…”

“You’re silly, mister.”

Very acute observation ma’am, please continue.

It took me a good two seconds or something (I dunno, could’ve been ten, you know how it goes by now) to realize I was staring. My active eye at the time – the left one – was focusing squarely on Derpy’s one eye that was facing in the approximately correct direction, the other looking slightly off to the side. I blinked, switched to the right, and looked right into Derpy’s clear white sclera, my own undoubtedly tinged red from crying like that.

To be entirely honest, a guy could get lost in those eyes. And since I’d spent several seconds staring at them, I reckon I did just that.

“Scuse me for staring”, I half-mumbled in apology. Derpy just giggled.

“Ponies do that sometimes. I got used to it. But maybe you should head home, pick up something sweet on the way. That might cheer you up.”

Thank you for giving me the opening, dear sweet Derpy.

“I feel like muffins”, I said, pretending I had just gotten the idea and watching for a reaction. Derpy’s ears perked up and for a moment her eyes aligned in attention. “Y’wanna come with?”

“Sure, mister. I’d love to go out and buy muffins with you!”

“Call me Kawa, please”, I said with rapidly rebuilding confidence as I looked around for the nearest waypoint to guide me towards Sugarcube Corner. “Ah, there it is.”

Now, I knew a whole bunch of things about all the main characters, like Twilight and her friends, but all my knowledge about background ponies like Derpy was entirely based on fanon. The suggestion to go get muffins was a total shot in the dark in that regard, and it seemed a hit – I just couldn’t tell how on-center it was.

“Kawa… that’s a strange name for a pony, isn’t it?” Derpy asked as we left the alley.

“Maybe. Maybe… what’s your name then? Bubbles?” I replied half-jokingly, with a quick glimpse at her butt for good measure and acting.

“No it isn’t. I’m Derpy!”

“I know you are, but what’s your name?”

“You’re such a joker, mister Kawa. You should meet Pinkie Pie.”

“Nah, been there already”, I shrugged, then put on my best Christopher Lee voice. “What a strange little pony.”

About two minutes and a whole lotta pink later, we had a paper bag full of muffins. Enough of them to share between us, no less, because that shit apparently came pretty cheap for some fortuitous reason, which might have had something to do with my current companion.

“If you wanna stick around some more, Derpy, I really suggest we don’t go to my place”, I said as we left the store. “Place is a total mess right now.”

“How big of a mess do you mean, mister Kawa?”

Oh cut it out with the ‘mister’ bullshit already.

“Lessay… ah… papers everywhere”, I admitted. “Also, food wrappers and empty soda bottles. Lots of ‘em.”

“You sound like a sloppy pony”, Derpy said. It didn’t sound like much of an admonishment, really.

“I’ve had a rough time”, I said to try and excuse myself. It wasn’t even a lie – at least not with regards to the wrappers and bottles.

For a moment, I let my sensibilities slip, and my dick speak for me. “But there’s… other ways I can be a sloppy pony”, I said unthinkingly. In my mind, I bucked my own face in and somewhat expected Derpy to do so for real, even as I flashed a smile.

“I guess we should go to my house then. I cleaned up this morning”, Derpy considered out loud. She mustn’t have noticed my sleaze was showing. “If my little muffin hasn’t been playing too much it should still be…”

“Presentable?” I offered, taking note of an increasing possibility of Dinky.

“Yes, ‘presentable’. Thank you mi–Kawa.”

“Lead the way, m’lady.”

We got to Derpy’s house in what seemed like no time at all, possibly because I spent most of our walk there thinking about how not to fuck up. I was just considering a topic to talk about that did not have anything to do with my feelings or my growing needs, when Derpy led me into the living room. Sure enough, there were some child’s – I mean, foal’s drawings pinned to the wall, and at least two more on the fridge. As Derpy tried to be an excellent host and checked her stock of suitable drinks, I checked out one of the drawings. It depicted a little purple unicorn sitting on the back of a gray pegasus twice her size, helpfully labeled “mom” and “mɘ”, with “dinki agɘ 3” in the corner. Yeah, with the reversed Ǝ’s and everything.

Theory confirmed. Thank you, dear sweet Dinky.

“Can I get you anything to drink, mi–Kawa? Hot cocoa, maybe?” Derpy offered with her head in a kitchen cabinet.

“No thanks, I prefer my chocolate cold”, I replied in all honesty. “Yanno what? Forget about drinks, I’ll pass.”

Truth be told, the longer I spent with this mare, the more I thought this could be it. Drinks were the last thing on my mind.

“So eh… this ‘Dinky’… your daughter?” I asked knowingly.

“Yep. She’s my little muffin”, Derpy confirmed. Her voice was almost sickening when she said that, so I reckoned she must really love the foal. Which was, all things considered, a very good thing. Still, I braced for impact and asked the one thing I feared to ask.

“If ya don’t mind me asking… who’s the, eh… sire?”

Was that right?

“Not sure”, Derpy admitted as she entered the living room, a plate with our newly-bought muffins and a single cup of hot cocoa, probably for herself, balancing on her back and supported on the sides by her wings. I raised a single eyebrow and watched as Derpy sat down next to me. “I never caught his name, but he was a really sweet guy. He said he’d be back… but when he did, it was like he didn’t recognize me anymore.”

I had my fears on the identity of “the guy”, but I decided not to pursue it. Instead, I put an arm – yeah, arm – on the back of the couch, careful not to touch Derpy. Not yet.

“After a day or two, I decided not to pursue it. Sometimes, ponies just look alike, I thought, and…”

“It’s okay, D. From where I’m standing, you’ve… held up great, since then”, I said, trying to comfort Derpy and maybe kinda fix my mistake of bringing “the guy” up.

“You really think so, mister? I mean, Kawa?”

“Hey”, I started as I put that arm around Derpy. “I just met you, right? I may be crazy, but you’re a very beautiful lady.”

“Beautiful? But… my eyes are all…”

“Derpy?”

“I guess. And I’m such a klutz sometimes.”

“Everypony’s a klotz, sometimes. At least you have an excuse. Me too, kinda. No depth perception worth a damn. Really gets in m’way, sometimes.”

It was almost like Derpy hadn’t noticed it before, but it was her turn to stare at my eyes. I’m sure they weren’t nearly as pretty as hers, but what the hay, y’know?

One of her eyes drifted south, and she gasped.

“Wha?” I asked as I snapped out of my slowly building reverie.

“You have a… Am I that beautiful?” Derpy asked between giggles.

“Fuck are you talkin’bout?” I muttered as I tore myself away from Derpy’s face and glanced oh dear princess Celestia where the fuck did that come from?

“…I guess so”, I replied as I shifted my legs in a feeble attempt to regain some dignity (AS IF!) and cursed the overall lack of pants. Which was not to be confused for the pant lack of overalls.

Yeah. I’ll get my coat.

“Curse you, biology”, I said as I pulled down my hat, as if to hide the shame on my face.

“What’s wrong, mister Kawa?” Derpy asked.

I made some sort of non-committal growly noise to buy some thinking time.

“Eh… personal principles, low self-esteem…”

I stood up on my hind legs for added drama, ignoring the horthcock such an act would release. Fuck the cock – I had a giant cow to milk and no fucking fingers! Still, up they went to gesticulate. I was gonna go balls out on this, literally and figuratively, and if Derpy still accepted me in her house, that’d be a real triumph.

“Fear of history repeating itself one more fucking time. Mind sayin’ I shouldn’t take risks, that I shouldn’t… I dunno, ‘take advantage’ of a single working mother, while my body’s quite fucking clearly being a hormonal douchenozzle and sayin’ I should do you right here on the couch until you do see straight!”

I paused for a breath, and to regain my balance. I must’ve made such an ass of myself. Still, the switch was flipped back, and the only remaining signs of my outburst were my breathing and Derpy’s silence.

It remained silent in the house for a good half a minute, when Derpy finally spoke up.

“Is that why you were crying earlier?” she asked.

I sit back on the couch, a little further away from Derpy than before, and slump.

I nodded.

“Did it make you feel better to say all of that?”

“…Yeah.”

Oh well. At least my boner subsided, and I haven’t been expelled yet.