The One with Blackjack and Hookers
The Story of Angel
Hey kids want to hear a story? No, well to bad because today we tell the tale of how the most jaded son of a bitch in the entire MLP universe came into existence.
He is Angel the mother fucking rabbit.
This little assholes life began the way most bad ideas start, from shit.
You see the devil went to special part of Equestria known as Georgia. Now the devil being the devil was looking for a soul to steal, but got tired and hit up this Mexican place known as La Mierda llamas based on yelp reviewer Swaggmac404’s review.” My friend Casey lets me smoke in the storage room so yeah this place is chill.” So the devil walked in ordered the Burrito Supreamo and waited.
Now out side the restaurant was a rottweiler named Jaws. Why was he named Jaws?
He ate small living creatures.
Seriously didn’t matter rabbits, ants, small children he didn’t care so when a rabbit escaped him and got inside the restaurant he killed himself out of sadness.
The waiter, Paco saw this took the rabbit and used it as beef. The devil enjoyed the meal but had to take the biggest shit of his life now since it was a Mexican restaurant that wasn’t up on the whole health code thing.
Since he was the devil he just went in the alleyway and shit.
The shit was about 30% rabbit and 70% sins of this guy named Marilyn Manson whoever that is. So the devil finished and left but then a homeless man and his whore came and had sex on the shit.
Also some vodka and brake fluid got in the mixture but after the man jizzed all over he threw a page from the bible he got art one of those soup kitchen onto the shit and departed.
Know this is the recipe for life and because the devil takes the devil also gives. Now there were to candidates for the body the rabbit that had been originally killed, and a man named Septimus
Now Septimus wasn’t a person he was just a combination of 5 other souls who had traded their souls to the devil and get screwed over. Also he hated Malachi Roth. Who is Malachi Roth? The fuck if I know back to the story.
Now Steve the guy in charge of making these decisions was a nice guy, but today he was really fucking hung over.
This was unlike Steve but last night he was knocking them back like there was no tomorrow claiming his wife was cheating on him and he saw the doing it on there bed. But I digress back to the tale.
So Steve picked Septimus in a hung-over state and the bunny was tortured for eternity now when Septimus’ soul filled the shit it became a rabbit with one mission kill Malachi Roth.
The rabbit walked back into the restaurant. Jumped on the waiter/cook/janitor/porn cameraman Paco and ripped his throat out. He took his keys went to Paco’s locker took the two guns inside and got in his car.
The rabbit knew this car sucked but he needed money for a new one so he found meth lab on the GPS.
As he was driving there this song was playing (trouble on mind by Pusha t to lazy/ technologically incompetent to hyperlink)
Oh you don’t like rap well then I guess Aces High by Iron maiden would work also.
Wait you don’t like rock or rap, well get a batter taste in music you communist bastard.
So angel barged into that shit hole guns a blazing. This bitch of a bunny hops up.
Bang
Shot right in between the fucking eyes. Another hop by this hell spawn rabbit.
Bang Bang
Two more motherfuckers meet death’s sweet embrace. One more hop by this goddamn rabbit
Bang Bang a Bangity Bang
Three bitches lying dead
There is one more an older gentleman he looks as though he is dying soon. This man will call him Walter realizes he is toast so he grabs a crowbar and runs at our anti-hero screaming.
“I am the one who knocks!” (Bump if you get this reference)
After putting more holes in his ass than Swiss cheese. (Bump plus BJ if you got that reference) The little bitch took a shotgun 2 SMGs and an Ak along with a big bag of money.
After our little pal drove to the car dealership the salesman refused to sell him a car mainly because of his nonexistent credit score, and because he reeked of crystal meth and gunpowder. But after showing the salesman the blood money (literally, most of the bills were soaked in blood to the point that they were useless.) he drove off in a brand new dodge running over a man and his wife while leaving the lot.
Eventually our favorite bastard got up to a forest.
“Whoa you can’t go in there little guy.”
Just as our friend was about to pop a cap he looked at the nametag of the man and pointed at it.
“Yes my name is Malachi...”
He didn’t get finish, as our little rabbit killed him thinking he was Malachi Roth.
Unfortunately, the man killed was Malachi Ruth. On a completely unrelated note Malachi Roth got over the death of his bitch pretty quickly realizing he liked dicks he dyed his hair blond moved to Hollywood and became known as Neil Patrick Harris.
Our good protagonist walked into the forest and was met with these goddamn honey badgers talking all this smack. Then one walked up to him and said.
“Hey man this my part of the woods get out you white jackass I am a honey badger I don’t give a shit more than any other animal.” Now the rabbit was mad he wanted that title.
So he went rata tat tat and put 20 honey badgers on their backs.
After our friend became known as the angel of death because he killed everything bears, cockatrices, manticores, and griffons
He killed a hydra once, how I have no idea he just did.
So one day he was scavenging this chicken for food right and this pony says.
“ Mister that’s not nice say you’re sorry.” Now our friend was a certified B.A.M.F and decided fuck this pony as he pulled his gun this pony stared at him and he froze.
Holy shit those eyes
He put the gun down and said sorry to the dead chicken.
“Good, Now what’s your name?’ asked the pony
He made a symbol of a halo and she squeed.
“Oh your name is angel oh that’s so cute I cant wait to introduce you to “ angel stopped caring his future caretaker missed the monition of death but he thought free food and went along with the yellow mare.
“The end” Pinkie said to two very disturbed, very scared, and very confused foals
“Well good night.” Pinkie said turning out the light and then bouncing out of the room.