Molotov Cocktail: Equestrian Badass

"HEEEEEEEELLLLLP!" a helpless mare shouted.

It was close to midnight in Canterlot. A time for crime. A time for evil. The mysterious Big Red had finally pushed the last button, pulled the last straw, eaten the last goddamn piece of pizza at the party. He had wanted to capture his nemesis for weeks now, and he was sworn to do it by any means necessary. The criminal mastermind had taken over the Equestrian Steel Building, and had taken most of it's female staff hostage. The mares needed a hero.

"Muaaahahaha! Molotov Cocktail will never save you, beautiful helpless and possibly underage mares!" Big Red shouted, his red mane flowing behind him as lightning began striking with perfect timing.

Several mares on the other side of the room struggled and wriggled around, trying to escape the ropes tied tightly around them. It was to no avail however, Big Red's superpower was having extreme amounts of really strong rope.

"I'm going to do terrible things to your faces and then have sex with you even though you don't want me to, because I'm evil!" The menacing, red stallion shouted, more lightning striking in the background.

"Not today!" a voice sounded from just outside of the large tower.

"Oh my Sweet Celestia's Big Round Pink Puffy Nipples, is it-?" a civilian shouted from the streets, pointing to a large black spot int the sky.

"Is it a blimp?!" another civilian shouted.

"No you fucking idiot, it's-!"

"MOLOTOV COCKTAIL!" a black-coated, blue and green maned alicorn shouted, blasting through one of the various windows of the tower.

The initial blast sent glass flying in slow motion across the room as Big Red stared in disbelief, a facial expression of sheer terror plastered across his face. The super fucking hardcore alicorn landed in an epic pose, his head aimed towards the floor. He snapped his head upwards dramatically, revealing two glistening black irises laying atop bright, white eyes. Needless to say, all of the captive mares rejoiced and immediately had full-length orgasms.

"What do you think you're doing, Red?" Molotov said, his voice gritty and awesome.

Big Red looked around the room, frantically looking around the room for an escape because he was a complete and total pussy that couldn't fight. When he found no escape, he sighed and assumed a pathetic fighting stance.

"C-Come and get some... M-Molotov..." Big Red said, his voice choked and high-pitched.

Molotov quickly snapped his eyebrow upwards, giving a look that said "Whatchu talkin' bout' Willis?" to the pathetic pony that stood before him.

"Do you really want some of MOLOTOV COCKTAIL?!"

The chorus of mares all instantly came again.

"Stop that!" Big Red shouted, glancing over to the tied-up mares.

"Don't talk to those sexy-ass mares like that!" Molotov said.

It was then that Molotov's sworn villain pissed himself in fear of a grade A ass-whooping from everypony's favorite super hero, Molotov Cocktail. Molotov scoffed and aimed his horn to the pathetic pissing pony, ready for attack. Almost instantly, the words "Fuck Yeah" came out of Molotov's appendage in bright colored, fiery lettering, in perfect sync with an epic guitar squeal. The words were hurled at the Big Red Bitch with extreme force, and ended up completely disintegrating it's target, leaving nothing more than a pile of ash and worried piss.

"Oh my, thank you Molotov Cocktail!" one of the mares said dreamily.

"All in a day's work." Molotov said in a voice that was a mixture of Arnold Schwarzenegger piloting an attack chopper in an M. Night Shamamalamps movie.

He then proceeded to stride across the room as a disco ball fell and the theme from "Saturday Night Fever" played in the background. Upon reaching the mares, he ripped the ropes free with one swift movement of his hoof. After successfully freeing them, he grabbed one by the flanks and planted a passionate kiss on her lips.

"Now let us make intercourse movements!" Molotov shouted.

"CUT!" a pony in a stereotypical toupee shouted from behind the camera.

The mare instantly fell from the alicorn's grasp as he threw his hooves in the air.

"What's wrong now?!" The "alicorn" asked angrily.

"That's the 34th improvised sex scene today, Stage Hand!" The director shouted, facehoofing.

"So?! the fans like a little pizzazz." Stage Hand replied as a mare from off set came and began casting a spell on him.

Within seconds, Stage Hand was surrounded by a bright light that engulfed him completely.

"It's not pizzazz, it's a porno, Stage." the director said, still facehooffing.

After the bright light had dissipated, an orange coated, white-maned earthpony stood, a cocky grin on his face. He looked to the director with two dark-green irises and lifted a hoof under his chin.

"Maybe we should join that industry instead..." the orange earthpony said.

The pony in the toupee shook his head, sighed, and stood up from his directors chair.

"I can't take him anymore. That's it for today." he said.

"D... Come on..." Stage Hand said, his face growing an annoyed expression.

"NO STAGE, I'M TIRED OF YOUR BULLSHIT!" the toupee wearing pony shouted in return.

Several hoofsteps were heard leading off of the set, followed by a loud boom as the door to the exit was slammed shut. Most of the ponies on the film crew looked around nervously, all of them holding shocked and confused expression.

"Alright... Well... Thank you all for your... Uhh... Work today..." Stage Hand said, breaking the awkward silence.

Everypony on set looked at each other for a moment before slowly shuffling out of the room.

After the room had been mostly cleared, only Stage Hand and a light blue unicorn remained. The cocky orange earthpony strode across the room to the pony and layed a hoof on his shoulder.

"How'd you like those takes today, Match Stick?" Stage said, expecting an answer along the lines of; "GREAT. YOU'RE SO FUCKING AWESOME, AND I'M GLAD WE'RE BEST FRIENDS."

He was sadly mistaken however.

"Bad. Really bad Stage. You pissed off the fourth director this month." the light blue unicorn replied, shaking his head.

Stage Hand's expression went blank as Match Stick continued gathering several wires lined around the set. After several moments, the orange unicorn shook his head and chased after his friend.

"But, the production company can just get another one, right?" Stage asked worriedly.

"Well, seeing as they've already payed for 68, I don't know." Match Stick replied with a heavy sigh.

"Oh come on, I'm sure they wouldn't mind paying for just one more. I mean, Trixie loves me, y'know?"

"Whatever you say. I'm just trying to get home in time for dinner." the unicorn replied as he continued gathering various pieces of equipment scattered around the deserted set.

Stage Hand put a hoof under his chin for a moment, before shrugging and heading towards the exit.

"Well, you know what they say. He who perishes in destiny, must have perished in change." Stage said, pushing a large steel door with the word "exit" written above it.

Match Stick sighed.

"I think you mean 'He who is resistant to change is destined to perish'." the blue unicorn corrected him.

"Well... I'm just over here... Trying to be facetious." Stage said before rocketing out of the door.

The blue unicorn sighed once again.

"Why haven't I killed myself yet?" he asked himself, shaking his head.

* * *

As Stage Hand waited for the magical lift to reach his floor, he thought on what Match Stick had said. Maybe The Great and Powerful Production company was getting upset about hiring new directors. But it wasn't his fault he was just so fucking awesome. He had single-hoofedly played Equestria's favorite badass for the last 7 years. Producing a new movie every single year was a stressful task, so he had the right to improvise a little bit, right? Yeah, seniority and all that good shit.

As the lift came to a halt, it's doors slowly slid open, surrounded in a bright and magical glow. The doors opened to reveal the large entryway to a penthouse loft, each wall lined with several gold-plated statues of Stage Hand. With a contented sigh of happiness, the earthpony stepped out of the lift and basked in the glow that was himself. After several minutes of accepting the fact that he was awesome, as he did every time he stepped hoof in this hallway, he continued down the entrance into a much larger room. Several more statues lined the walls and shelves of the room. Each depicting Stage Hand in a different way. One displaying him as his character, Molotov Cocktail. Another of him saving a small foal from griffons. Finally, the piece de resistance, a giant, solid-gold statue of Stage Hand, having sex with three mares at once. The glorified actor stared at his creation through starry eyes. Ever since he'd had it made, it had been worshiped every time he entered his home.

Several hours of statue-worshiping and pondering his best friend's thoughts later, Stage Hand looked to a large panel of windows. It was getting dark, and keeping a beautiful face like his still looking amazing needed plenty of rest. The unicorn yawned loudly and threw an empty box of tissues to the side as he lifted himself off of a velvety couch, then trotted happily to a nearby hallway, which was also lined with pictures and statues of the actor.

Upon reaching his room, he clapped two hooves together, and instantly a fireplace came to life, revealing possibly the largest bed in Equestria. Without a second thought, the earthpony jumped onto the soft surface of the bed and buried his muzzle in the angelic fabric of the nearest pillow.

"I love my life." Stage Hand said with a contented sigh, his voice slightly muffled by the pillow.

* * *

"Ey... Prick... Hey... HEY!" a burly yellow pegasus called, kicking his foreleg into the side of Stage Hand's bed.

Stage Hand jolted awake and jerked his head upwards. Daylight pouring through one of the nearby windows stung the eyes of the groggy actor, causing him to bury his head once again.

"What the fuck?! Where did my shades go?!" he asked, shielding his eyes.

"We took them. Now come on buddy, I've got a long day and-" the pegasus began.

"Wait." Stage said, immediately sitting up on the bed. "You took them?! Who the fuck are you?! PUT MY SHADES BACK YOU FAT, WINGED, FUCK BUCKET!" the orange earthpony screamed, furious that his priceless shades had been taken.

The yellow pegasus sighed.

"Listen, I don't have time for this. We're here with Trixie. She said everything's gotta go, now can you just sign this so I can leave?" he asked, an annoyed tone heavy in his voice.

Stage tilted his head to the side and opened his mouth in confusion.

"Trixie?" he asked, hopping up from the bed beneath him.

Upon leaving the bed, Stage nearly screamed as it disappeared in a purple cloud of smoke.

"Oooo... She moved that one herself... I feel sorry for you, buddy." the pegasus said, his eyes wide.

"What the hell are you talking about you incompitent shit-sticker?" Stage said.

After getting no response from the burly pegasus in his room, he rolled his eyes and walked to the door of his bedroom. The orange earthpony closed his eyes, tilted his head upwards and opened the door.

"Now please, leave my home or I'll be forced to call security." Stage Hand said in a snooty tone.

"Oh, great, they're already done!" the pegasus said, looking out into the hallway.

Stage growled and looked out into the hallway as well. His heart instantly dropped in his chest as he noticed that every painting and statue in his hallway was gone. The pony's jaw fell to the floor in sync with his eyes widening.

"Surprised they got it done so fast..." the pegasus said, trotting out of Stage's room.

Stage followed close behind however, examining the now empty walls of his penthouse.

"Hey! What's going on you over-sized package of used disposable beans?!" he asked in a furious tone.

He stopped dead when he entered the main room however, when he saw a familiar unicorn mare standing just outside of the entryway. Her mane was a swirl of white and powder blue, matching her coat. As she looked to Stage Hand, her purple irises seemed to cut holes directly through the frozen earthpony.

"STAGE HAND!" she shouted, her voice echoing throughout the walls of Stage's home.

"Trixie! What the hell is going on?! Why are these guys taking all of my shit?!" Stage replied, just as angry of the unicorn before him.

"Because. The Great and Powerful Trixie's Great and Powerful Production Company is sick and tired of dealing with you. We're canceling the production!" the unicorn snapped back.

Stage's jaw dropped yet again.

"Stopping the... You can't do that!" Stage said, a scowl on his face.

Trixie chuckled menacingly, a sly grin across her lips.

"Of course I can. I've really been meaning to get to it for a while, seeing as the Molotov Cocktail movies have been box office DISASTERS!" she said.

That, was a low blow.

"Oh come on... They haven't been... that bad..." the orange earthpony said, lowering his head slightly.

"They haven't?!" Trixie asked sarcastically.

The mare's horn began to glow for a moment and instantly, a graph appeared before Stage Hand, causing him to flinch and stumble backwards. The graph showed a large red arrow sloping downwards drastically over time. To add insult to injury, Trixie thumped Stage Hand on the head with the large cardboard graph before making it disappear in a large cloud of purple smoke.

"And to make matters worse, Trixie has to pay for over sixty directors! SIXTY, STAGE!" Trixie shouted, nearly breaking the glass windows on the other side of the room with her screeching voice.

Stage's ears flopped downwards, along with the corners of his mouth.

"Which is why your Equestrian National bank account has been drained of all bits, and all of your possessions are being sold, in an attempt to quell this massive debt that YOU'VE created." the powder-blue mare continued.

By now, the orange earthpony's lip was quivering as tears wormed their way into his eyes. He closed his lids tightly however, trying to shove them back down into the ducts.

"You... You can't do this..." Stage said quietly.

"Yes we can." Trixie said, turning around and walking calmly to the magical lift. "Come now, boys."

The burly pegasus that had awoken the orange pony nodded and began pushing a large cart. Stage nearly let his tears fall as he noticed what was on the cart. It was his prized possession, the statue of his epic foursome.

"This is going to look awesome in my house." the pegasus said with a grin, approaching the lift as well.

Several more pegasi floated towards the lift as Trixie reached it. Each of them carrying a different item, personal to the earthpony it belonged to. As the lift reached his floor, Stage Hand could only watch as the rest of his possessions were
taken away. Trixie turned back quickly before closing the door to the lift.

"Oh, and Match Stick killed himself earlier this morning." she said nonchalantly.

After they were gone, Stage fell to his haunches.

"I hate my life..." he said in a pitiful tone.

MOLOTOV COCKTAIL: EQUESTRIAN BADASS

For the next several hours, Stage sat on a cardboard box, staring out of his various unshaded windows. His mouth was open, and a brain-dead expression had taken hold of his face as a small line of drool fell from his bottom lip. His mind was having trouble processing what the hell had just happened. He blinked, wiped the spit from his lip, and looked around at the blank, white walls of his empty penthouse. All of the gold statues, the priceless paintings of himself. All of it was gone. He sighed and hung his as a slight chuckle escaped his lips.

"This is a joke... Its got to be... Trixie's just fucking with me..." he said in what was almost a growl.

"It's not a joke." a voice called.

Stage snapped his head upwards and darted his eyes left and right, searching for the source of the voice. He was shocked to find nothing however.

"Who's there?!" Stage called, tensing up in fear.

"Me... Fucking idiot."

"Who's me?!"

"Me!"

"You?!"

"YES ME."

"BUT WHO?!"

"KID, DO I NEED TO JUMP THROUGH THIS GLASS AND GUT YOU?!"

Stage paused momentarily.

"Glass...?" he asked, looking to the window once more.

There, in the reflection of the windows, stood a tall, black, alicorn. He stared daggers at Stage hand through two black-as-night eyes. Seeing as he had just been noticed however, he smirked and flipped his perfectly quaffed blue and green mane. Stage's jaw immediately fell open.

"M-Molotov?" the earthpony asked absentmindedly.

The alicorn nodded.

"It's me, baby." Molotov said with a smile.

Stage got up and trotted closer to the window, along with Molotov. When both ponies reached it, they were inches from the polished glass of the window.

"Holy shit... It really is you! What are you doing here?! I thought you were-" Stage said.

"Fake? Ha. I laugh at your comment. Ha." Molotov said shaking his head. "I'm as real as you are, my friend."

Stage sighed and bowed his head.

"Not real anymore... It's over... The production company shut us down..." he said in a depressed tone.

"So?" Molotov replied.

The orange earthpony looked back up to the reflection and tilted his head.

"So?" he asked.

"Yeah, so?" Molotov replied again.

"So, if we don't have a production company, we don't have a movie, we don't have Molotov- Uhh... You."

"Bull shit. You don't need a movie to be me." Molotov said.

"Dude, it's a costume... And lights... None of it's real." Stage replied, shaking his head again.

The depressed earthpony sighed and turned away.

"Just forget it... Maybe I can act in something else... Celestia-knows I can't do other shit..." he admitted to himself.

"Then make it real." Molotov said with a devilish grin.

Stage stopped dead in his tracks and slowly turned around.

"What?" he asked.

"You heard me... Make it real. Show them that Molotov aint' no movie that gets canceled." Cocktail continued.

The orange earthpony looked to the floor, a small smile growing on his face.

"Yeah..." he whispered quietly to himself.

"Show them how Molotov Cocktail does it in the real world!"

"Yeah!" Stage replied slightly louder.

"Become. MOLOTOV MOTHER FUCKING COCKTAIL!"

"YEAH!!!" Stage shouted at the top of his lungs.

The orange earthpony nodded and saluted the alicorn before him, who saluted in return. After waving goodbye awkwardly, the actor stormed out of the main room and down the entryway of his penthouse.

"Time to show these motherfuckers why they love Molotov Cocktail." he said, entering the lift.

Outside of the window, a tan unicorn in a white shirt and hat sat on a large platform, a dumbstruck expression on his face. After a few seconds, a pegasus wearing the same gear floated by and eyed the unicorn with an eyebrow raised.

"Saw. What's wrong?" the pegasus asked.

The unicorn slowly lifted a hoof to the window and pointed inside.

"Some dumbass was trying to talk to me through the window..." the unicorn replied.

The pegasus chuckled and shook his head.

"Must be drugs... Come on, we've got to finish the next floor." he replied.

The tan unicorn nodded and flipped a switch on the platform.

"Yeah..."