Living Lingerie

by Idiotcornball

Rating: mature
Tags: Rarity, Random, Sex, Human, Applejack, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy
Length: 11085

(humanized) Applejack gets turned into panties, which Rarity wears.

When Applejack finds herself transformed into a pair of panties, Rarity can't resist the urge to take advantage of the opportunity.

Published 2013-01-17 04:10:01 UTC
Last updated 2014-01-24 02:13:20 UTC

In Which Applejack is Suddenly Panties

Applejack opened her eyes, and immediately realized that something was wrong. First off, the ceiling above wherever it was she was lying was most definitely not the ceiling of her bedroom. Second, her body felt weird. In fact, it felt like she did not even have a body. She had a sort of sense of awareness that she was laying on something made of fabric, but she couldn't quite feel it. None of her limbs seemed to be where they were supposed to be. It wasn't that her arms and legs wouldn't move, it was like they weren't there at all.

She turned her attention back to the ceiling. Definitely not anywhere in Sweet Apple Acres. It was far too fancy for that. Carousel Boutique. It must be. Only Rarity would have such an outrageously fancy ceiling.

"Hey, anybody there?" She called. No answer. She tried to wiggle herself. She moved, somehow, despite the fact that she obviously didn't have arms or legs. She still had her eyes. That was something. Her mouth was still there as well. And she had some means of locomotion. "What the hell is goin' on here?"

She heard some rustling from the next room. She craned her... whatever she now had in place of a neck and brought the door into her range of vision. Almost immediately, Rarity stumbled through it. Both of her hands were pressed to her head, and her normally exquisite hair was disheveled in a rather un-Rarity-like manner. If she hadn't been concerned about her inability to move outside of a few wiggles, she would have noted that she actually preferred that hairstyle to Rarity's usual coiffure. That, and Applejack was distracted by the fact that Rarity inexplicably wasn't wearing anything other than a camisole and socks. Of course, even down below, Rarity had taken the time to groom herself.

"Rarity, what in tarnation is goin' on here!?"

"Uggghhhh!" Rarity blinked a few times and searched around for the source of the voice. "Applejack, must you yell like that? I have a rather awful headache."

"I got a right to yell! There's somethin' pretty dang wrong with me, and I have no clue what it is or how I ended up here!"

"Oh, there you are!" Applejack watched as Rarity bumbled towards her, and plopped her bare ass down next to her. The springy movement told Applejack that they seemed to be on a bed. "Do you not remember the events of last night?" Rarity continued.

"I remember invitin' y'all out to the farm for a cider tastin'. After that everythin' gets a mite bit hazy. What the hell happened? Why can't I move?"

"Because you're a pair of panties, dear."

"A what?"

"A pair of panties. You know, the undergarment?"

"What in the blue blazes are you talkin' about!?"

"Fine, allow me to show you." Rarity reached towards Applejack, her hands appearing utterly enormous. She felt Rarity's fingers take hold of her... something, and was lifted up. Despite her lack of lungs, she gasped as Rarity held her in front of a mirror. She was, indeed, a pair of orange cloth panties. The only vaguely human characteristics she maintained were her eyes and mouth, which appeared to be somehow embroidered on, just below the waistband.

"But...but how!?"

Rarity turned the panties around so Applejack could look at her. "Twilight's magic."

"Why would Twilight turn me into a pair of panties?"

"Drunken bet from Rainbow Dash. You had just fallen asleep. She wanted to use a marker to draw... certain body parts on your forehead, but Twilight wouldn't let her. Somehow they got to talking about underwear, and Rainbow Dash convinced Twilight to turn you into a pair."

"Dammit, this had better not be permanent."

"I'm pretty sure Twilight said that it would wear off rather quickly."

"It had better! I'd kinda rather not be a pair of panties for the rest of my life. How'd I end up here anyway?"

"I'm not entirely sure. Maybe someone put you in my purse. Again, I don't really remember much of what happened."

"So what do I do now?"

Rarity shrugged. "I guess you just make due until the magic wears off."

"This is such bullshit. Wait, what are you doin'?" The room had suddenly started to jerk and spin, listing crazily. She stabilized and realized a moment too late what was going on. "Are you putting me on!?"

"Well, I needed a pair of panties-"

"Find another pair then!" Applejack could tell that she was around Rarity's ankles. "Why aren't you wearin' any panties, anyway?

There was a long moment of silence. Applejack guessed that it was silence of the awkward variety. "Rarity? You didn't go and run through town naked or anythin' did you?"

"Heavens no!" Rarity barked. "Nothing so crass. If you must know, I was sleeping rather... deeply last night. As I'm sure you know, cider has a tendency to go right through you, and I imbibed a rather large quantity of it."

"So you wet the bed?"

"Not exactly. I woke up with mere seconds to spare. I managed to get out of bed. I did not, I regret to say, make it to the bathroom."

"So you did piss yourself?"

"To put it in the crudest possible terms, yes." She began to slide Applejack up her legs.

"What are you doin'!?"

"Like I said, I don't have any other panties. You'll live."

Applejack groaned as she slid into place. The first thing she noticed was that Rarity had an impossibly smooth ass. The second things she noticed was a rather weird tickle. "This is so weird. I can feel your pubes on my... well, I'm not sure what I'm feelin' 'em on, but they're there."

Rarity just snorted as she wiggled her hips, settling herself into the panties.

"Seriously, they're like ridiculously soft. I thought crotch hair was always kinda scratchy."

"Just because some of us neglect to groom our nether regions doesn't mean we all do. You ought to know I put more stock in myself than that."

"What, you mean you go and shampoo your pubes with half a dozen shampoos like you do with the rest of your hair? I bet you style it, too. Do you put a bunch of little curlers in there before you go to bed? That can't be comfortable."

"I am not even going to dignify that with a response."

"I don't know why you'd go to the trouble," Applejack continued. "Everybody knows you guard your cooter tighter than the royal treasury. The only time that thing ever gets any air is when you take a bath. You don't exactly go flashin' it everywhere after a few drinks."

"Just having a sense of modesty does not make me a prude! If was a prude would I be wearin' you right now?"

"I have no clue, cause I think you still got a bit of alcohol in your system. If you weren't hungover you'd freak out at the prospect of me touchin' your pussy, even if I was a pair of panties."

"Pish posh! Of course I'd let you touch it! In fact, when you turn human again, I promise I'll let you play with it! Just go right ahead and stick your hand in!"

"Okay, now I'm pretty sure that you ain't even hungover, you're still drunk."

"What makes you think that?"

"Well, for one you still reek of alcohol, and if you weren't you wouldn't even joke about lettin' me stick anythin' up your crotch. Hell, I remember when we went to the beach and you almost had a nervous breakdown because one of your nipples slipped out."

"Fine, so I'm not happy about putting my private parts on display! What's it to you!?"

"I'm just saying that you shouldn't be wearin' me now, because once the buzz wears off it's gonna be awkward as hell for both of us. Y'all don't really wanna keep wearin' me, do ya?" There was silence. "Do ya?"

Rarity belched in response.

"Dammit you really are still drunk, aren't you?"

"I... maybe have brought back a small keg of cider back with me. Hair of the dog, you know."

"Rarity, that doesn't work and you know it!"

"But the cider is so good!"

"Well, yeah, it oughtta be, but-- okay, no I'm not talkin' about that now. Why don't you take me off, and get some regular old non-talkin' panties?"

"But this is so much easier!" Rarity contorted herself so she could look at her ass, and by extension Applejack, in the mirror. "And I can keep an eye on you until you turn back to normal!"

"Unless you have eyeballs on your ass, I doubt it. And I'm quite sure you don't have eyeballs on your ass. You'd never stand for that."

"If they were particularly fashionable eyeballs, I might."

"This is dumb, Rarity. Just take me off and put on some other panties, and take me back to Twilight so she can turn me back to normal!"

"Why?"

Applejack groaned. "Because I ain't keep on bein' stuck on your ass all day!"

Rarity twisted back and scowled at her. "And what exactly is wrong with my ass?"

"There's nothin' wrong with it, I guess." Applejack grumbled. "It's just that well, it's an ass. You use it to poop. It ain't somethin' that you want to have your face plastered on."

"Just because I use it to defecate does not mean that I don't keep it every bit as sanitary as the rest of my body!"

"I don't care!" Applejack grumbled. "Your asshole is too damn close for comfort. Besides, I have no intention of gettin' myself smushed every time you sit down!"

"Smushed!" Rarity's voice was so indignant that Applejack immediately knew she had made a horrible error. "My bottom is not capable of smushing anything! Are you insinuating that my behind is unnecessarily large!?"

"No, not at all!"

"If that's true, why would you be afraid of me sitting down? That's what this is really about, isn't it? You're afraid that you're going to be crushed by my gigantic ass!" She began to sniff. Applejack braced for the worst. "It isn't fair! I work out when I can, but business is just so much work that I can't help but neglect it sometimes, and all it takes is one cupcake and suddenly it's like I have two balloons stuck to my hips!" She sniffed again, this time it was a good deal more like a snort. Her words began to wobble a bit. "I work so hard, and I'm still a complete lardass! It's so stupid! Pinkie does nothing but eat sugar all day, and even her butt is nicer than mine!" She threw herself on the sofa and wailed. "It's not fffaaaaaaaaaiiiiirrrr!"

"Oh fuck, I forgot that she's even more of a drama queen when she's drunk..," Applejack mumbled, her voice muffled by the couch cushions. "Rarity, your ass ain't fat and you know it."

"Yes it is!" She screeched. "No matter how I strive for the most callipygian figure, it only ends in failure! If my butt isn't the size of a pumpkin, it's pure bone! I strive and strive for a happy medium that I can never achieve. My whole life is a complete and utter failure!" Rarity rolled over and shoved her face into the cushions.

Applejack fervently wished that she had arms, if only so she could facepalm. She would never let Rarity touch booze ever again. Or at the very least she'd ensure that she wouldn't be the one who had to listen to her. Maybe she could make Pinkie put up with her for a while. "Rarity, there is nothing wrong with your behind. I am literally wrapped around it right now, and I guarantee you that it ain't fat or bony. I'm not gonna lie; your ass is pretty great. I'm not just sayin' it either. I've always thought you had a really cute butt. Like that one time when we went to that sauna and your towel fell off and I was all 'Damn, Rarity, you got an amazing behind'? I wasn't actually kidding."

"R-really?"

"Yeah. Your ass is fuckin' perfect. It's awesome. I wish I could use it as a pillow when I go to sleep. Now stop cryin'."

Rarity sighed, and sat up. "Ugh, you're right. I've been acting absurd. I'm always such a drama queen when I'm hungover." She began to massage her temples. "I feel like my brain is about to slide out of my ears."

"That ain't the only time," Applejack mumbled to herself. "Let's get some grub into you. Once you eat somethin' it'll take the edge off whatever hangover drunkness you got goin' on."

"Yes, a good meal would be quite welcome." Rarity stood, and took a few wobbly steps.

"So, are you gonna get another pair of panties now and take me off?"

"No need. You are quite comfortable, and you yourself just said that you quite enjoyed the feel of my bottom, so I believe you'll be quite content down there. Now then, what color sundress should I wear?"

Applejack groaned and resigned herself to her fate. "I like the blue one."

Author's Note

This is terrible. What was I even thinking? I should be able to write better than this.

In Which Applejack is Still Panties

"Really, Rarity? Do you spend this much time on your hair every mornin'?" Applejack sniffed, wishing that she hadn't retained her sense of smell through the transformation. Rarity used more hairspray on her own than the rest of the town combined. It was a miracle her lungs hadn't rotted away.

"Of course not. That would be foolish. Under normal circumstances half the work would already be done by my curlers. And needless to say my dexterity is not what it normally is."

"Wakin' up after gettin' totally wasted can do that to ya. Speakin' of which, I thought you wanted to get some food in you to try to get over the hump."

"I do, but I can hardly go out without making myself at least somewhat presentable. I'll have enough trouble maintaining composure without looking like a troll doll." She ran her fingers through the small bit of her hair that wasn't wrapped in a curling iron. "It's bad enough that I didn't have the opportunity to wear my beauty mask last night."

"I still don't know how you can stand to sleep with that muck on your face. I mean, you roll over in your sleep and you got a big old mess on your hands."

Rarity snorted. "Some of us don't feel the needs to flail around in our sleep."

"And some of us don't feel the need to put ten pounds of crud in our hair before we go out for lunch."

"Well, excuse me for taking some pride in my appearance." Rarity released her hair from the curling iron and teased it a bit. "Hmmm..." She examined herself in the mirror. "How does that look?"

"I can't see it, Rarity. I'm on your ass, remember?"

"Oh, right." Rarity held a hand mirror behind her behind so Applejack could see her. "How's my hair?"

"Looks fine to me." It wasn't a lie, although Applejack had to admit that Rarity would have looked pretty good even with an afro. She had put so much time into her appearance that a bit of it had become permanent. Of course, it only made it that much easier to convince Rarity that she was finally presentable enough to leave the house.

"Excellent. Now I just need to select my outfit."

"I already told you that I liked the blue dress."

"I'm aware, but blue just doesn't match well with orange, which is what you are."

"What the hell difference does that make?" Applejack wanted to facepalm but couldn't due to a lack of hands. She settled for a frown, which was just as useless because Rarity couldn't see her. "Nobody's gonna be able to see me anyway. Unless you planned on flashin' your underpants around town, but I kinda doubt that."

"I'm aware that no one would be aware of your presence, but the mere knowledge that my underpants don't match the rest of my ensemble would be unbearable! It just feels as if something is wrong."

"Well, if that's the case, why don't you just get a blue pair of panties?"

"All of my other panties are dirty."

"I shoulda known." Applejack grumbled. "Fine then, why don't you wear the yellow one."

"I believe I shall. But which yellow dress?"

"How many do you have?"

"About a dozen, give or take?"

"What the hell do you need that many yellow dresses for?"

"Variety."

"Well, pick one and get on with it. I can practically hear your stomach rumblin'."

Rarity sniffed. "My stomach does not rumble, it purrs."

"Fine, whatever, just put a damn dress on and get your ass in gear!"

"Why are you so anxious to get me out of the house anyway? It isn't like you have anything else to do?"

"That's just it, as long as I'm stuck in these panties, I gotta basically just hang on your ass all day. If I can get you outta here maybe we'll run into to Twilight and she can turn me back to myself. As nice of a butt as you have, I'd rather touch it with my real body."

"Applejack, are you prepositioning me? If so, these are hardly the proper circumstances."

"What? No!"

"So you don't consider me to be adequate? Are you still bitter about that incident at Twilight's slumber party? Or am I not suitable for a long term relationship? Or am I merely not attractive enough for you to find desirable? Is it my chest? It's too small, isn't it? You probably just like enormous breasts. Those stupidly oversized melons that look like balloons stuffed down the front of their chests. It's so unfair. The giant boobs get all the attention, even though shape is every bit as important as size! Any bimbo can have big breasts, but everyone just fawns over them as long as they're big! They could be all saggy and downright pendulous, but if they're big, who cares? That's what matters, right? The whole idea that the size of the chest is the only thing that matters is such BULLSHIT."

"Rarity, your boobs are fine! I'm just sayin' that if I was ever gonna hit on you I'd do while you were sober, and while I wasn't a damn pair of underpants. And I ain't sayin' anything more about that until you get over this hangover, and I turn back into a girl."

"Fine, then." Rarity made a slurping sound.

"Rarity, are you drinkin' more cider?"

"...............................................................................................................................................................no."

"For fuck's sake, Rarity, you can't go drinkin' any more of that stuff! It'll only make you more hungover!"

"Au contraire!" Rarity's voice began to slur. "My head is actually starting to feel a bit better."

"Yeah, for now. When it wears off it's gonna feel like a steer took a dump in your skull. Now put that stuff down, put on some damn clothes and go get some food!"

"Fine, fine." There was a clunk as Rarity put down her mug. Let me just get my dress..."

Applejack's line of sight was blocked completely by yellow. She looked down and could see Rarity slipping her shoes on.

"Now, then..." Rarity said. "I think we ought be clear about how this is going to work. You, for obvious reasons, cannot say anything. People would be rather suspicious if my behind started to talk."

"Fine, I'll be quiet then. Just don't sit on me too hard."

"What exactly are you implying?"

"Nothing at all." Applejack rolled her eyes. Wasn't as if Rarity could see them. "Although I gotta say it would pretty hilarious if people thought you had a talking ass. Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash only wish they'd be able to pull something like that."

"Don't you dare! If you say so much as a word, I'll sit on you!"

"So?" Applejack snickered at the thought. "We already established that I'd probably enjoy gettin' squished by your not-at-all-fat butt."

"Well, then I'll- I'll--"

"You'll what?"

"I'll fart! I'll fart on you! And you won't be able to help but smell it!"

"That's bullshit! I've never in my life heard you fart! I don't believe for a second that you can even do that."

"I most certainly can fart! I'm just very good at muffling the sound. When one has my poise, you figure out how to do these things. Granted, I can't do anything about the smell..."

"So you go the silent but deadly route, huh? I guess if you gotta- wait a sec. When we all went to go watch Rainbow Dash's exhibition and somebody farted! That was you, wasn't it?"

"It... may have been."

"I ended up gettin' blamed for that! That ain't cool!"

"Who was I supposed to blame, Fluttershy?"

"Blame Pinkie, it's not like she'd care anyway." Applejack groaned. "Anyway, just don't fart on me, okay? If they're really that bad, you might kill me or somethin' and you don't wanna have to explain that." She pitched her voice up a few notches. "'Oh, Applejack's dead? How did that happen?' 'She turned into a pair of panties, I put them on, and then farted so hard it suffocated her.' Let me die with dignity!"

"I can assure you that you would probably survive."

"Probably ain't good enough! What are you gettin' for lunch anyway? You aren't gettin' a burrito, are you? If you are I swear I'll... I'll..."

"You'll what? You're a pair of panties. You can't move! You have no muscles."

"I can kinda move!" Applejack tried to wiggle herself. Suddenly, Rarity released a squeak. Not a shocked squeak, or a scared squeak, but one that sounded almost happy. Applejack grinned. "Oh, I know what I can do." She squeezed herself, and Rarity inhaled sharply. "Yeah, if you fart on me I'll start movin' around. I'll move around a lot."

"F-fine! See if I care."

"Oh, you'll care alright. I know how loud you can be. All I gotta do is rub a bit and everybody in the restaurant will think you have a serious burrito fetish!"

"I am not loud," Rarity said.

"Yes, ya are. I remember that sleepover at Twilight's house, and your ridiculously long shower. Twilight convinced me to not to say anythin' but it was pretty obvious that you weren't spendin' all that time cleanin' your hair." Applejack sniffed smugly. "And seriously, masturbating at someone else's house, during a sleepover? That's kinda weird."

"So I just happen to have an active libido. There's nothing wrong with that!" The dress shifted, and Applejack could feel Rarity cross her arms. "Like you've never had the urge in an odd location before. Come on, tell me where it is. What's the most awkward place you've pleasured yourself?"

"N-no!" Applejack said, in a voice that was far to emphatic. "I keep all that stuff at home."

"No you don't! I can tell. You're an awful liar."

Applejack only sighed.

"Well, you may as well admit it, dear. There's no shame in it! It's a perfectly natural urge."

"Yeah, but why should I tell you anything about it?"

"Because it isn't fair that you know so much about my... habits. Is it in the barn? You get a bit horny while you're working and find yourself rubbing yourself against a support beam or something?"

"Hell no! Those beams are splintery as hell. No way would I put my crotch on that."

"Is it someone else's house, then? Is it Fluttershy's cottage? You had a quick shlick in her bathroom? Or here! You masturbated in one of my dressing rooms, didn't you?"

"No! I'd never do that."

"Then where?" Rarity gasped. "You do it outside, don't you!? You get tired of harvesting apples, so you duck behind a tree and stick a hand down your pants!"

"I do not! I'd never do that someplace where Apple Bloom might see it!"

"Well, you must have done it somewhere..."

Applejack groaned. "If I tell you, will you quit pestering me about it and promise not to fart on me?"

"Of course, dear."

"And don't tell anybody. You mention it to anyone and I'll tell everybody about your farting thing!"

"Fine."

"Well, you remember that time I ran off to Dodge Junction?"

"Of course. All of you stranded me out in the middle of nowhere with Pinkie."

"Well, remember how Pinkie found me when I was comin' out of an outhouse? Well, I...uh... I wasn't really usin' it for it's intended purpose."

"An outhouse!? Ewwwww!"

"Oh, shut it! I was under a lot of stress, and givin' myself some stimulation helps me relax! Now can we please stop talkin' about this and get outta here?"

"Why are you so anxious for me to get my lunch, anyway?"

"I don't have anythin' else to do. I'm a pair of panties. All I can really do is hope that when your hangover goes away you'll come to your senses and take me off! Now get your ass in gear or I'll squeeze a big old orgasm outta you!"

"Fine!" Rarity began to walk, and Applejack heard the sound of her picking up her purse. "Although I should warn you, that if you do that, you may get a bit... wet."

"Duly noted. Now let's get going."

Applejack heard the sound of a door opening.

"Very well."

Author's Note

I fully agree with Rarity's statement about boobs. Shape > size.

In Which Applejack is Still Panties But Finally Gets Out of the House At Least

"See? Don't you feel better now?" Applejack said, quietly. Rarity claimed that she had taken a seat in a booth in the corner of the restaurant where no one would be able to hear her. Applejack couldn't confirm that, obviously; not being able to see anything but the tag stitched to the inside of Rarity's dress. "I told you gettin' some food would help your head feel better."

"Indeed it has." Rarity answered. Her voice was muffled by the food. "I had forgotten how good this places' burritos were."

"Burritos?" Applejack's voice took on a worried tone. "What kind of burritos?"

"Bean and beef, with extra spicy salsa!"

"Damn it, Rarity!"

"Why are you so exasperated over my choice of food? It's not like you have to eat any of it."

"I ain't worried about eatin' anythin'. I'm worried about what'll happen when all those beans and whatnot hit your stomach. I don't wanna be stuck down here when the side effects start up."

"What side effects could you possibly be talking about?"

"Don't play dumb, Rarity." Applejack wished she had a palm, so she could put it to her face. "You know as well as I do what happens when somebody eats that many beans."

"Are you implying that I pass gas!?" Rarity whispered harshly. "Why would you ever insinuate that I would do something so uncouth!"

"Oh please, not half an hour ago you were threatenin' to fart on me if I talked too loud. We had an argument about it and everythin'. You were even tryin' to convince me that you were capable of fartin'."

There was a long moment of silence. "That was the cider talking."

"Like fun it was." Applejack snorted. "I've seen a lot of people go overboard on cider and I know it doesn't make you say anythin' that isn't already bouncin' around in your head." Applejack grinned, even though Rarity couldn't see her. "You're secretly proud of your tootin' ability aren't you?"

"I most certainly am not!"

"Be honest, Rarity! You're all about passin' gas! Probably load up on beans and cabbage every night, let it stew a bit and start trumpetin'! Probably savor the smell, too. You're pretty flexible, right? Probably curl yourself up so you can let it go right in your face!"

"I do not fart on myself!"

The lull in ambient noise told her that Rarity had spoken a bit too loud. Applejack tried to stifle her laughter. Rarity snorted, and lifted her bottom off the seat, and dropped back into place.

"UGH!" Applejack grunted, and resisted the urge to make a snide comment about the size of Rarity's behind. "Okay, okay, point taken."

"Good."

"But seriously, take some antacids or somethin' just in case. I don't want to be this close to your butthole when it hits."

"There's no need to be so worried, Applejack," Rarity said. "I assume you that no scent coming from anywhere on my body would be anything less than smelling of roses or flowers. Besides, antacids do nothing for gas anyway."

"And just how do you know that?"

"I heard it somewhere. What, did you think that I would know that by experience?"

"Well, given that you were talkin' about your stealth-fartin' abilities before, I thought you mighta learned the hard way."

"As if I would ever do that!" Rarity stuffed the remainder of the burrito into her mouth. "This place has such good spicy salsa! So delicious."

"You realize that's gonna burn just as much comin' out as it does goin' in, right?"

"Not if I have some ice cream afterwards to cool the burn. Or perhaps a nice milkshake."

"Like that's gonna help all that much. All that dairy can cause problems too, you know."

"Quit fussing so much about my digestive system," Rarity said. "Why don't you find a more suitable subject of conversation. The weather, perhaps."

"I have every right to fuss about your digestion! I'm sittin' right at the end of it. It kinda affects me." She snorted. "Besides, I can't see the weather, and even if I could, It's a boring thing to talk about anyway."

"It is not!"

"Yes it is! Nine out of ten conversations about weather are just 'Hey, we're due for some rain. Rainbow Dash must have messed up the schedule again.' And the other one out of ten are even worse. 'Nice weather we're havin!' Yeah, that's real interesting."

"You must just not have been talking to the right people then. Just a few days ago I had a lovely conversation with Cloudchaser about cloud sculpting. She can make some truly beautiful cloud formations."

"That's not really weather, though. Weather is rain and wind and such, not cloud sculptin'. I mean, that's cool and all, but I wouldn't call it weather."

"Fine, but even then, I've been told that there is an art to manipulating the weather. Sure, Rainbow Dash is all about speed, but many other fliers put a great degree of care into how they fashion their weather. They very often makes patterns in the clouds and such. It's really quite nice."

"Yeah. Pity we never get to see that 'cause it's rainin' whenever they do it. At least when Dash does her speed runs you can watch the show without gettin' soaked. I know you'd never go out in the rain. You put too much effort into that hair of yours."

"There is no such thing as putting too much effort into one's hair."

"That's a load of bull. Fluttershy barely spends five minutes every morning on her hair and she got to be a supermodel!"

"Well, we can't all be that lucky." Rarity sighed. "If only I could have that luxury."

"Yeah, you sure do suffer every day," Applejack said, her voice dripping sarcasm. "It's not like you could-" Her voice dropped off. She sniffed. "Rarity, you didn't just let one off, did you?"

"Let what off?"

"A fart, Rarity. I don't even have a nose right now, and I can still tell that somethin' smells awful. You were even goin' on before what with how you were so good with your silent-but-deadly farts."

"I most certainly did nothing of the sort!"

"Rarity, I literally got my face like an inch from your anus. If you fart, I'm gonna know about it! You can't deny it! Either you farted or somebody else farted so bad that I can smell it all the way over here. And let me tell you, if it stinks that bad all the way over here, at ground zero it must be a straight up biohazard."

"You must be experiencing some sort of hallucination!"

"I don't see anythin' out of the ordinary. In fact, I can't see anything except the inside of your dress."

"Not all hallucinations are visual, you know. They can also be auditory."

"I didn't hear anythin' either!"

"Well, maybe you're just experiencing a... oh, what's the word? An olfactory hallucination!"

"Is that even a thing?" Applejack wished she had her hands. She could smack Rarity with one and hold her nose with the other. "What did you turn into Twilight or somethin'? Why do you even know that?"

"Just because I don't live in a library doesn't mean that I can't read. Now stop making false accusations about my behind." Applejack heard the sound of Rarity draining the last of her soda out of the cup. "Now that I'm done eating, perhaps we can go see Twilight about getting you turned back to normal."

"About damn time," Applejack said. She felt Rarity stand and step out of the booth.

"Oh my." Rarity stopped.

"What? Get goin'!"

"I will." Rarity said, her voice suddenly strained. "But first, I must make a quick stop." She began to walk, quickly. As she did, Applejack heard a very unpleasant sound.

"Holy shit, Rarity!" Applejack grasped, trying to keep her voice down. "That smells worst than my pigpen! I didn't know burritos went through you so quickly!"

"Oh hush!" Rarity whispered.

Applejack heard Rarity open a door. It most definitely wasn't the door outside the restaurant. The smell was all wrong for that. There were no flowers, no fresh air, no wafting scents from other restaurants. What she did smell was more fart, and industrial cleaning solution. She heard another door-like squeak. She groaned as she recognized it. It was the sound and smell of a bathroom stall.

She felt the dress lift up. Then she saw it. A not-nearly-as-clean-as-she-would-have-liked toilet seat. Rarity's fingers slipped between Applejack and the skin of Rarity's thighs. "Rarity, I swear you had better not let me touch that floor! That's so gross!"

If Rarity heard her, she gave no indication. She found herself sliding down Rarity's legs. She tried to summon what little movement ability she possessed, trying to slow the descent. "NotthefloorNotthefloorNotthefloorNotthefloor!" She sighed in relief as she came to a rest around Rarity's ankles, dangling a few inches above the floor. Above her, Rarity had her dress hiked up to the waist. She all but dropped herself onto the toilet and not a moment too soon.

The sound and scent which bellowed forth from the toilet seat would haunt Applejack's dreams for years to come. It sounded as if a tuba filled with pudding had knocked up a diseased toad, and the resultant offspring was blowing the loudest, longest raspberry Applejack had ever heard while simultaneously suffering from a case of the runs. And the smell. The smell. If Stankobulon, god of refuse deigned to descend from his malodorous palace atop his mountain of rubbish, took the form of giant fist and socked her straight in the face, it would be preferable to whatever the hell it was Rarity had unleashed. The stink was so dense that she could almost see it. It was quite ugly.

"Aaaahhhhhh!" Rarity emitted a sigh of relief bordering on orgasmic. "Oh, that feels so much better!"

"Wow, Rarity, I didn't know you had it in you. Literally."

"Oh hush, Applejack."

"You had better do a thorough job of wipin' yourself after that."

"Applejack, please! There is no need to be so... lowbrow."

"It's a practical concern!" Applejack answered. "If I'm gonna be sittin' on you butt, I want your butt to be clean enough to eat off of. Not to mention that the smell alone could peel paint of my barn. You might end up burnin' a hole right through me if you aren't careful. I'm kinda surprised that the toilet's still in one piece!"

"Fine, I admit it! Burritos do horrible things to my digestion! Sometimes I... break wind, though I try to do it as discreetly as possible! Can you please stop talking about it now. It's a rather unpleasant subject."

"Okay, okay" Applejack mumbled. "With that smell it's just kinda hard to think about much else."

"Perhaps you can think of where you want to go after we get out of here."

"I say we make a beeline to the library so we can get Twilight to reverse this damn spell and get turned back into a girl."

"That sounds like a fine plan. The library it is. After a quick stop at my boutique, of course."

"The boutique? Why?" Applejack grumbled. "You aren't goin' to get more cider are you?"

"Of course not." Rarity sniffed and grabbed some toilet paper. "I just want to go get another pair of panties so that if Twilight does manage to reverse the spell, I won't be forced to go without underwear for the rest of the day."

"Huh, that's true. Maybe we should run back to the farm to grab some clothes for me, too. I'll probably end up naked when the spell gets turned off."

"It's settled then!" Rarity declared. "We'll pick up some clothes and then go see Twilight."

"Awesome! I can't wait to be back to normal."

Suddenly there was a knock on the stall door, an a third voice from outside the stall began to talk.

"Applejack? Is that you?"

"Rainbow Dash?" Rarity clamped her hands over her mouth, but it was too late.

Author's Note

Finally got around to updating this one. Apologies for all the butt-related humor. I wouldn't find it so amusing if it wasn't Rarity's butt.

In Which Applejack's Sorry State is Discovered

"So we're heading to the library, then?" Rainbow Dash asked.

"We had better be," Applejack grumbled, as loudly as she dared. Even though they were off by themselves on the side of the road, she didn't want to risk discovery. "I don't want any more delays. I want my damn limbs back!"

"Be patient, Applejack," Rarity said. "There is no reason to be so surly!"

"I got plenty of reason to be surly! I got turned into panties, and then you go and drag me to lunch and make me listen to you take a big shit before takin' me anywhere to get changed back! Would you like it if you got turned into a bra, and I insisted on wearin' you while I mucked out the pig barn before trying to fix things?"

"There's no need to be so crass, Applejack."

"This from the girl who shat out her entire digestive tract not ten minutes ago."

"That is a perfectly natural bodily function!" Rarity huffed. Applejack wished that she could see Rarity's face, which was wrinkled in frustration. "It isn't like I have any control over such a thing!"

"You had plenty of control. But nooooo you had to go and eat tacos with extra re-fried beans!" Applejack snorted. "It's like drinkin' poison and then complainin' that you died!"

"I did not order extra re-fried beans!" Rarity answered. "And furthermore, I--" She turned to Rainbow Dash, who was chuckling into her hands. "Just what is so funny?"

"S-sorry," Rainbow Dash said between giggles. "It looks like you're arguing with your own ass!"

Rarity gave her a glare intended to make the recipient shit themselves as hard as Rarity had been just a little while earlier. Unfortunately Rainbow Dash, as usual, wasn't paying enough attention and as a result didn't shit herself at all. Due to the lack of shitting, both literal and metaphorical, Rarity was forced to resort to talking. "Rainbow Dash, please! This situation is humiliating enough without you sitting there cracking jokes."

Rainbow Dash snickered so hard she snorted. "'Cracking jokes'? Like, your butt crack? That Applejack is all wedged up in, now?"

"Really, I would have thought that you were capable of being at least a little mature!" Rarity seethed. "I've known schoolfillies with a less juvenile sense of humor!"

"Not to mention that that joke was awful," Applejack added.

"Well, I'm not Pinkie, I can't come up with clever puns on demand!" Rainbow Dash crossed her arms and blew her bangs out of her face. "Besides, just because a joke is- oh shit here come the cutie mark crusaders."

Applejack clamped her mouth shut. The only thing that could possibly make this more humiliating was if her sister saw her like this. She'd never hear the end of it.

"Hey, Rarity!" Sweetie Belle bounded over and grabbed Rarity in a sisterly embrace. Applejack tried to not think about what part of Sweetie Belle was squishing against her. It was, of course, Sweetie's stomach, not that Applejack could tell. Scootaloo similarly latched onto Rainbow Dash. Apple Bloom just crossed her arms.

"Have you guys seen my sister? She didn't come back after you guys' party last night. Did anything happen to her?"

"Huh? What? No. She's fine!" Rainbow Dash sputtered. Applejack wished that she had a palm to put to her face. Rarity could bite her tongue if the need arose. Rainbow Dash, though... her idea of "acting" was yelling her lines as loud as possible. If anything, her denial would only make it more obvious that something was up.

Rarity thought so as well, which was why she shot Dash a glare icy enough to chill a bottle of champagne. "The last time I really saw Applejack was last night. I would suggest checking Sweet Apple Acres. She does live there, after all, and there's no reason why she would have left afterwards."

"I checked! She ain't in her room." Apple Bloom said with a huff. "I checked all the regular places she goes and she's nowhere to be found. If y'all had let me in on the party maybe I'd know where she is."

"Yeah! It's just cider! We coulda handled it!" Sweetie Belle's voice squeaked in a way that didn't help emphasize her statement.

"It's hard cider, Sweetie," Rarity said sharply. "You three cause enough trouble sober. Who knows what could happen if you got drunk. You'd probably end up burning down the town."

"We would not!" Scootaloo protested. "Probably."

"Yeah, loosed up a bit, Rarity," Rainbow Dash said as she slapped her friend on the shoulder. "We wouldn't have to give them that much. A little alcohol never hurt anyone."

Rarity gave her another tree-withering glare. "Rainbow Dash, I will not have you giving booze to my little sister."

Applejack twitched at the unfortunate phrasing of Rarity's statement. She answered out of reflex. "It ain't booze, it's cider!" Then she bit her lip and hoped that no one else had heard her. They had.

The Cutie Mark Crusaders stared at Rarity's butt. Rainbow Dash was split between giggling and facepalming. Rarity's face couldn't even display the mixture of feelings that she felt. She blushed.

Sweetie Belle took a step forward. "Rarity. Did your butt just talk?"

"No," Rarity said. "My butt would never do such a thing!"

"I'm pretty sure I heard a voice, and it was comin' from your behind," Apple Bloom said. "It sounded kinda like my sister."

"So her butt can talk, and it can do impressions?" Scootaloo asked. "I wouldn't have thought that she'd have a skill like that."

"That's because I don't!" Rarity snapped.

"Then who was talkin'?" Apple Bloom asked. "Unless you got a miniature person livin' on your butt or somethin' I don't know where that voice would've come from."

Rarity tried to answer, but all that came out was "Blrblrb!"

Rainbow Dash decided to cover for her, in a way that only she could manage. "Yeah, it's kind of a secret, but Rarity is a ventricle!"

The Cutie Mark Crusaders, plus Rarity, stared at her. Applejack would have stared if Rarity's butt wasn't facing the other way.

Sweetie Belle squinted. "One of the chambers of the heart that pumps blood? I'm pretty sure I'd know if my sister was one of those."

"Maybe she meant one of those thingies where people can throw their voices!" Apple Bloom said. "A Ventilator?"

"Vendetta?" Scootaloo offered.

"It's a ventriloquist!" Rarity snapped, unable to take any more of the CMC's limited vocabulary.

"Yeah, a ventrilogey!" Rainbow Dash said, folding her arms and nodding. "She can make it sound like her butt is talking. Her butt can't actually talk. That would be stupid and dumb."

"Really? Cool!" Sweetie Belle smiled widely. "I never knew you could do that!"

"Yeah, you sounded just like my sister, too!" Apple Bloom said. "Say something else."

Rarity's eye twitched. "I... er..."

Applejack jumped on the opportunity. "Rarity sure does like tacos, huh?"

"I do not!" Rarity said sharply, then clamped her hands over her mouth.

Apple Bloom laughed. "It sounds just like her! And she can even have a conversation with herself. That's great. Maybe we could learn how to do that!"

"Yeah!" The other two chimed in.

"I- I don't think so. It would be too much trouble." Rarity blustered.

"Yeah, it would be a pain in the butt," Applejack added.

"Um, about that..." Scootaloo said cautiously. "Why the butt? I mean, don't those ventwhatevers usually have like a doll or something? Why would you want it to look like your butt is talking?"

Rarity was at a loss for words. If she were a ventriloquist, she certainly wouldn't talk through her butt. Then again, she wouldn't ever want to be a ventriloquist, period. It was such a gauche profession. Or hobby. Or whatever. Once again, Rainbow Dash stepped in to save the day. Or at least to try to.

"Puppets are expensive. And have you ever seen how creepy those things are? You think that Rarity would want one of them hanging around all the time?"

"Yeah, I guess you're right." Sweetie Belle stroked her chin with her fingers. "Those things are pretty freaky."

"But why would she talk outta her butt, though?" Apple Bloom scratched her head. "Why not, like, her hand or somethin'?"

"Why, indeed!" Applejack said, stifling a giggle. Finally, she could get some revenge on Rarity for putting her through all of this bullshit. "I'm far more eloquent."

Rarity cleared her throat, hoping that Applejack would take the hint. "I realize that this particular approach is a bit odd, but I felt it necessary to do something unique. Although you are probably right that it is probably a bit too crass. I ought to find a different way of doing things."

"Nah, I'm good," Applejack said.

Rarity frowned. "I think not."

"I think so!" Applejack would've shook with laughter if she had had a body. Then she pursed her pseudo lips together. "FFRRRTT!"

Rarity's face went bright red as she instinctively smacked her own ass. "Stop that!"

"Nothin' doin'! If you don't want me to do that, you gotta treat me better! If you wanna--"

"Shut up!" Rarity nearly screamed. Then she closed her mouth so hard that her teeth hurt. She had made a grave miscalculation. In a rather unmistakable fashion, her own words had overlapped with Applejack's in a rather blatant manner. Hopefully the CMC weren't so knowledgeable about ventriloquy that they'd recognize the impossibility.

"Wait just a second!" Sweetie Belle said, getting a dangerously quizzical look on her face. "You and your behind just talked at the same time! I'm pretty sure you can't do that."

"Uh..." Rainbow Dash jumped back in. "She's a very good ventriloquist!"

"Something fishy is going on here," Scootaloo said.

Applejack fought the urge to make a snide comment about the scent of Rarity's nethers. As hilarious as it would be, it would blow her cover completely, and the CMC were too young for that type of humor anyway.

"Yeah, you've never been able to imitate my sister that well. Does this have somethin' to do with where she disappeared to?"

"Of course not!" Rarity forced herself to laugh humorlessly as she tousled Apple Bloom's hair.

"Really? Cause I was tryin' to sleep last night when there was a big magic flash thing that woke me up." She narrowed her eyes. "And then all of a sudden your butt starts talkin' like my sister? That ain't no coincidence."

"Apple Bloom, I have no idea what you're talking about," Rarity said crossly. Hopefully if Apple Bloom thought that there was a chance of getting in trouble, she would back off. "I would greatly appreciate it if you would stop bothering me about this, or when your sister turns up, I will have to tell her that WHAAAA!"

"Aha!" Sweetie Belle grabbed the hem of Rarity's dress and whipped it upward. All three crusaders stared at Rarity's ass in a confused and non-sexual manner. Rainbow Dash was also staring, but in her case it was more of a leer.

"Is that Applejack?!" Apple Bloom gasped.

"N-no, of course not!" Rarity twirled out of Sweetie Belle's grip. "It's just uh... a unique pair of panties!"

"Yeah, like you'd ever be caught wearin' orange panties?" Sweetie Belle said.

"And why would they have Applejack's face on them?" added Scootaloo. "Are you two-"

"No!" Rarity looked to Rainbow Dash and mouthed the words "help me out here!"

Rainbow Dash shrugged. "I got nothing."

Applejack groaned. "The jig is up, Rarity."

"There, I heard her voice again!" Apple Bloom pointed at Rarity's butt. "You turned my sister into a pair of panties!"

"I did not turn Applejack into a pair of panties!" Rarity screamed. Then she noticed that every head on the street had turned toward her, and lowered her voice. "Yes, the panties are Applejack. But it isn't my fau- HEY!"

Apple Bloom had crouched down by Rarity's butt and was occupied in lifting up Rarity's dress to talk to her sister. She tried to ignore the fact that her sister's face was on Rarity's rump. "What happened to you?"

"I have no clue," Applejack said. "Last thing I remember, I was on my seventh cider, and I fell asleep on the couch."

"Weren't you the one who was always telling me not to drink too much of that stuff?"

"Now's not the time, Apple Bloom."

"I'll say!" Rarity yanked her dress back over her bum and held it there. "You realize that we're in public, right? I'd rather not half the town see you talking to my bottom!"

"But what are you gonna do with my sister? I've been lookin' around all day for her! How are we gonna turn her back?"

"Well, you and you friends are going right back to building a tree house or rocket powered sled or giant teddy bear or whatever and forget that you saw us." Rarity glared at them so hard that they didn't dare answer.

"Yeah, we were just headin' to Twilight's to get her to undo this crazy spell," Applejack said. "You don't go worryin' about me. Just keep this quiet, okay? It's kinda awkward and I rather it not get even more weird by everypony in town findin' out about it."

"You got it, Applejack!" Apple Bloom gave a thumbs up that Applejack couldn't see. "Come on, guys, let's go back to workin' on the boxin' robot."

Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo followed her back toward Sweet Apple Acres.

As soon as they were out of earshot, Rarity contorted herself, talking half to Rainbow Dash and half to her own ass. "What the fuck was that? Why couldn't you have just stayed quiet? But noooooo! You had to go on and on about my butt ventriloquism skills!"

"Relax, Rarity. You ain't the one who got turned into underwear by a drunken unicorn," Applejack sighed. "And don't get all mad at Rainbow, either. It's not her fault she can't think on her feet. Dammit, I'm never gonna hear the end of this from Apple Bloom."

"Heh," Rainbow Dash chuckled awkwardly. "Yeah, that wasn't my finest moment. But hey, at least we got rid of them!"

"Yeah, I don't want my sister seein' me like this any more than she has to. This whole thing is fucked up enough already. Now can we please go to the library so we can put this whole clusterfuck behind us?"

"Yes, I think that would be a good idea. Come on, Rainbow Dash. Help us look for Twilight." Rarity strode down the street in the direction of the library. Then, she suddenly wiggled suggestively. "Applejack, what was that for? Haven't you embarrassed me enough already?"

"Uh, that wasn't on purpose." There was a disturbing degree of worry in Applejack's voice. "It's just... you better get to the library right quick." Her words carried far more gravitas than talking panties should have. "I think the spell's startin' to wear off."

Author's Note

I just want to say that the "Did your butt just talk?" bit is pretty much the first thing I thought of when I started this story.

In Which Applejack, in the Form of Panties, Attempts to Narrowly Avoid Detection

"Rarity?" Rainbow Dash's shoes appeared under the stall door. "I coulda sworn I just heard Applejack's voice coming from that stall."

"Applejack? No. Just me. As if I would share a stall with Applejack!"

Applejack snorted.

"There, you hear that!?" Rainbow Dash said. "That sounded like AJ. Are you sure she's not in there?"

"Rainbow Dash, this stall is so tiny that I can barely fit in here myself. Obviously, Applejack is not also in here. Why would she be? What conceivable reason could there be for the two of us to share a bathroom stall?"

"I don't know," Rainbow Dash said, her suspicion evident in her voice. "Maybe all the other stalls were full, and it was an emergency, so you guys decided to share."

"What an absurd idea!" Rarity gasped. "As if I would ever share a toilet. Defecation is an intensely private experience. Merely talking to you is quite awkward, let alone having someone else in the stall with me! No, I could never share it."

Applejack made a motion that approximated a shrug. Apparently sharing a stall wasn't a big deal if the other person was an article of clothing. Then again, it wasn't really sharing, per se. It wasn't like Applejack was pooping too. She didn't even know if she could poop. Or whether she could eat, for that matter. Did sentient panties ever need to use the restroom? It was a question that had baffled and perplexed absolutely no scholars since the history of time, as this particular situation had never arisen before.

"Yeah, but what if it was like a real emergency for both of you?" Rainbow Dash continued. "Like if you both had to take a dump so badly that whichever one of you didn't get in the stall wouldn't be able to hold it! You wouldn't make Applejack shit on the floor, would you?"

"Putting aside the fact that her... business would probably be contained to her pants and not reach the floor, I suppose you are right." Applejack detected a note of frustration in Rarity's voice. Probably because the hangover was finally wearing off and as a result she actually wanted to be done with this idiocy. Or she just wanted to get Rainbow Dash out of the bathroom before the second wave hit. Applejack hadn't ever shared a bathroom with Rarity, but she knew that when Rarity got the burrito poops, they always came in waves. "I suppose if such an extreme situation did arise, I might allow her to attempt to share. However, I must point out that this is not one of those cases. First of all, the other stalls are unoccupied, meaning that she could choose any of them that she wanted. Second, Applejack is most certainly not present in this bathroom in any capacity!"

"Alright, alright, I get it!" Rainbow Dash said, stunned by the sudden emphatic-ness of Rarity's voice. "I guess I just heard wrong or something. Do you have any idea where Applejack is? I haven't seen her since last night. You know, after Twilight's spell? I thought Twilight was gonna take her home."

"I... I wouldn't know." Rarity said. She shifted her body a little. Applejack guessed that the second wave was on its way. It wouldn't be pleasant, but at the moment she was more worried about the fact that she had slipped an inch or so closer to the floor. She used her limited range of movement to cling to Rarity's calves, and resumed listening to the conversation.

"But seriously, how hilarious was that? Why would Twilight even know a spell that does that? I wonder if she could turn Fluttershy into a bra or something."

"She- she likely picked it out of a book somewhere..." Rarity's voice was labored, as if holding back the inevitable was taking its toll. "You know Twilight. A-always reading."

"I mean, that was totally one of the funniest things that I've ever seen! And your reaction was even better!"

"M-my reaction!?" Rarity's voice was suddenly anxious. "I-I uh, I don't remember anything."

"Man, you must have been more smashed than I thought!" Rainbow Dash rapped her knuckles on the stall door. "When Pinkie put on the Applejack panties and did her booty dance, you laughed so hard that you pissed yourself!"

Applejack tried to bite her lip, but couldn't because she didn't have any. She was going to have words with Rarity. And Twilight. And especially Pinkie.

"I did no such thing!" Rarity snapped. "I already explained to you that I simply spilled my cider on myself!"

"Yeah, right. I might not be Applejack, but I can tell the difference between pee and apple cider, even if they are the same color!"

"Rainbow Dash, please, the alcohol must be affecting your memory! I did not do any such thing."

Rainbow suppressed a chuckle. "Fine, don't believe me. Ask Pinkie or Fluttershy about it. And I'm pretty sure you're the one who's havin' memory issues. You must have had twice as much cider as I did! I mean, I couldn't drink too much. I have training to do."

"R-right," Rarity all but growled.

"But seriously, you're a hilarious drunk! You should get smashed more often."

Rarity clutched her stomach and gritted her teeth. "Rainbow, you'd better be going."

"Sorry, sorry. I couldn't resist."

"No, I mean..." Rarity's stomach gurgled audibly. "I you should probably... get out... of the..."

The second wave hit, so hard that it almost lifted Rarity off of the toilet seat. Rainbow Dash made a gurgling sound.

"Holy shit, Rarity. I knew you liked burritos, but damn. I'll see you later."

Applejack wriggled around Rarity's ankles. She didn't have a nose, but somehow she could suffer the full weight of the foul stench that emanated from Rarity's behind. It was only by the intervention of some sort of magic that the toilet hadn't melted into a slurry of acidic death. She had to cover something that would deaden the sensation that her not-nose was perceiving. It failed. In fact, the only thing she succeeded in doing was losing her grip on Rarity's legs. She gasped as she realized that she was sliding towards the floor. She tried to regain her grip, but it was too late. As the tip of her... bottom part brushed the tile, a shutter ran through her. The floor was sticky.

"That's just disgustin'!" She immediately clamped her mouth shut, but it was too late. Rainbow Dash stopped halfway out the door and turned around. "Okay, now I know I heard that."

"What? No!" Rarity made a shooing motion, even though Rainbow Dash couldn't see her. "You heard nothing!"

"Come on, Rarity, I heard that clear as day. And I know you did, too. You aren't deaf."

"Well, you must be mistaken," Rarity said. "Perhaps there is something wrong with your- WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING!?"

She nearly jumped off the toilet as Rainbow Dash's head emerged from beneath the stall door.

"Aha!" Rainbow Dash's face was right in front of Applejack. Applejack had the feeling that she would be blushing if she had any blood vessels. "So I guess Twilight's spell didn't wear off yet."

"No. No it didn't," Applejack said with a sigh. "I woke up this mornin' at Rarity's and she was so hungover that she thought it would be a good idea to put me on."

Rainbow Dash looked up. "Really, Rarity? How much did you drink?"

"Shut up!" Rarity barked. "And get out of my stall!" She made a weak kick at Rainbow Dash's head and Dash darted out.

"This is all your fault, ya know!" Applejack grumbled. "Why'd you have to go and get Twilight to turn me into these things!? Rarity ended up takin' me home, and she was so hungover she thought that wearin' me would be a good idea!"

"Oh wow!" Rainbow Dash giggled. "You need to get drunk more often! This is hilarious!"

"No, it ain't!" Applejack grumbled. "Next time I oughta convince Twilight to turn you into a bra or somethin'."

Rainbow Dash shrugged, even though neither Rarity nor Applejack could see her. "Hey, if that means I get to hang on Rarity's tits all day, that would be fine with me!"

"W-what!?" Rarity gasped. She was very proud of her breasts, of course, but it wasn't often she heard them referred to in such crude terms.

"What's it like being panties on Rarity, anyway?" Dash asked. "Does she shave?"

"Rainbow Dash, my personal grooming is none of your business!"

"She trims," Applejack said, "and styles. It's kinda ticklish."

"Applejack!" Rarity gasped.

"What? Why would you go to the trouble of makin' your pubes all pretty if nobody's ever gonna see them anyway?"

"It's the principal of the matter!"

"I really shouldn't be surprised," Rainbow Dash said with a chuckle. "So how do you like being pressed up against Rarity's crotch all day, anyway?"

"Honestly, it's not that bad. It's kinda weird not having a body, but on the upside I get to grab Rarity's ass all day, so it's a fair tradeoff."

"Applejack, please!" Applejack wished she could see Rarity's face. She was obviously blushing, but Applejack wanted to know if Rarity's eyebrow was twitching. It was. "Can the two of you please stop discussing my... attributes? I'm quite flattered, but this really is rather awkward. Not to mention that I have... uh... business to take care of, and I'd prefer to not have to deal with the two of you going on about me."

"Fine. I'll wait outside for you, then. It kinda stinks in here anyway."

"Just so you know, it was like that before I came in!"

"Whatever you say, Rarity." Rainbow Dash rolled her eyes and sauntered out of the bathroom.

"Well, that was thoroughly embarrassing," Rarity grumbled. "Did you really have to encourage her?"

"Hey, if you woulda taken me right to Twilight instead of puttin' me on, this wouldn't have happened. After you finish cleanin' your ass, we're headin' over to the library and I'm gettin' turned back into a girl."

"I thought you liked being wrapped around my sensuous figure."

"I like havin' arms and legs a bit more. Bein' able to grab your butt would be a lot better if I had hands.

The toilet paper roll clattered. "This is absurd," Rarity said.

"What, me wanting to grope you?"

"No. Whoever put this toilet paper here has it hanging behind the back of the roll rather than over the top! Atrocious." Rarity shifted on the toilet as she all-too-carefully folded a few squares of toilet paper. She slid it gently under herself, being exceedingly careful not to touch the seat. She wiped. "Oh my, this may take a while."

Applejack groaned. "You had better do a damn good job up there. Seriously, I want your butt to be clean enough to eat off of. Not that I want to eat off of your behind. That would be kinda creepy."

"Rest assured that I will do a perfectly fine job of cleaning myself. I must admit that this is not the first time that this has happened."

"I'm just sayin', I'm literally right up against your butthole. I want to make sure that it's totally poop-free before I get smooshed against it! I like your butt, but not if it's got poop on it."

"Just trust me, will you? I promise you, we will not leave this bathroom until my behind is every bit as clean as the rest of me!"

"Alright, then. Just be warned, if I get even a trace of your shit on me, I'll squeeze you so hard you'll scream!"

Ten minutes later, Rarity emerged, and walked quickly through the restaurant, and toward Rainbow Dash, who was waiting by the entrance, helping herself to the free chips and salsa. She looked up to see Rarity speedwalking toward her. And then Rarity strode past her and out the door. Rainbow crammed a final chip in her mouth and started off after her.

"Wow, AJ must really have you in a rush to see Twilight, huh?"

"No, I just... needed to get out of the restaurant as soon as possible."

"Why, you bounce a check or something?"

"No."

"Than what?"

Rarity snorted and blushed. "I clogged the toilet. Again."

Rainbow Dash did her best to stifle her grin, but failed miserably. She opened her mouth to make a snide comment, but never got the chance.

"Don't even say it," Rarity said. "Let's just get to the library."

Author's Note

Apologies for taking so freaking long to update. I wasn't really sure where to go with it and decided to wait until I thought of something. Hopefully it won't be as long for the next chapter. Also, sorry about the density of toilet humor in this chapter. I don't usually go for that kind of thing, but I couldn't let the situation pass without playing with it a little.