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Shade the Starcunning man
I'm a man of magic damnit! Stop trying to make out with me!
There I was, lying in a hospital bed while the fearsome Princess of the Night smiling a very false smile at me. So what is the first thought that crosses my mind in this situation? How I'm still not wearing underwear! I've been visited by TWO members of royalty and I'm naked as the day I popped into the world. Once I'd put that idiotic thought to bed, I notice the local field dip slightly as the door quietly closes behind her. She comes up to the side of my bed.
"Hello Princess Luna." That fake smile just got bigger, what the hell?
"How are you feeling?"
"All things considered, pretty good." I laugh nervously and she seems relieved? Her smile seems to become marginally more genuine.
"Well that's good. I was worried you would be angered because of my memory removal spell, since Equestria is a peaceful nation and we have to consider our subjects safety along with..."
Oh so that's what Celestia meant by other plans! She's guilty over messing with my brain! Well, at the time I was just so happy that I still had my life to live and my arm fixed that I just couldn't drum up any sort of rage. Spells could be remade, I mused, but being alive was everything. I tune back into her finishing up on her monolog.
"....And I'm so sorry for any pain I caused you, Shade." And would you look at that, she's looking at the floor, her last words sound sad.
"Princess Luna?"
She's still having a staring contest with the floor, so I reach out with my hand and gently lift her head. Her expression is remorseful, her eyes moist with unhappy tears. Although I suppose if you're looking for absolution for attempted murder, trying the old puppy dog eyes is worth a shot because it certainly worked on me! Cursing my feeble human heart, I whispered to her.
"It's alright. I forgive you."
For a moment, she simply looks amazed at her easily accepted apology. Then she rushes forward, her hooves grabbing me under my arms and holds my body. Naturally, my first reaction is to panic, that is until she starts making a pleased 'squee'ing noise in her throat. She's hugging me! Thank you Gods for that!
"Thank you Shade!" I return her hug, letting her head rest on my shoulder, circling my right arm just behind her head and stroke her long regal neck gently with my left.
"Yea, well I'd be more annoyed with you if I hadn't shot that firestorm spell off near you." Her grip seems to get tighter, but its not uncomfortable. "Actually, I'm surprised you aren't angry with me for doing that."
I notice she's started to gently rub her snout against my neck, her fur is soft and warm. Wow these pony hugs are awesome! Naturally, I don't have a snout to return the gesture, so I simply use my nose to mimic it, rubbing gently against her cheek. She sighs happily. Well! Now all I've got to do is apologise to those Lunar Guards, maybe I'll even give them a tip or two about combat operations... Hahaha, yea right, like I'd dare tell professional soldiers how to do their jobs.
My revelry is broken when I hear something incredibly disturbing, even the tiny part of my brain that enjoys making fun of my stupidity has gone deathly silent at the noise being emanated very close to me. What sound would that be? A soft, pleasure filled moan. I must have magic massage hands, well, ponies have hooves so I guess they haven't felt anything like this touching them, right? Not thinking about the alternative. Not thinking about it.
I stopped what I was doing, gently moving my head away, removing my arms and then give her the lightest pat on the neck. She pulls her head back, her expression dreamy from my completely platonic hug and she smiles at me softly. I return it with a completely poker-faced smile, fake as all fuck it was.
I notice she hasn't actually released her grip on me as she moves her head closer to me, her eyes locked onto my own. She whispers in what could only be described as the most sultry and disturbing tone I've ever heard in all my life.
"No stallion has touched me in a thousand years." Out of the motherfucking frying pan and right into the goddamn fire!
"That's. Not. Good." Oh gods, she's getting closer! Hmm, her breath smells like blueberries... FOCUS DAMNIT! TASK AT HAND!
"When we were in bed, when you touched me so softly and held me so lovingly. And the kiss.." Her breath hitches and my smile disappears. "And then, even after I hurt you badly and took away some of your magic, you forgave me . You even nuzzled me." What the fuck is nuzzling?! DANGER WILL ROBINSON! DANGER!
"Err, you're welcome?" I squeek out, her lips less than an inch away even as I try to push the back of my head through the mattress, but her death grip is preventing any sort of escape.
"You're very sweet, Shade. I think you deserve a reward.." Her eyes close, her head tilts slightly as she comes in for a kiss that I do not want, nor can avoid. If there is a higher power out there, please come to me in my time of need! I'll give you anything! My loyalty! My soul! Even my left testicle!
"I'm not... interrupting anything, am I?" OH THANK YOU SWEET CELESTIA! Her sister immediately scrambles backward and tries to look nonchalant.
"NO. NOTHING. NOTHING IS HAPPENING." I practically scream at that lovely white saviour of mine. Luna is blushing and if the furnace heat on my face was any indication, so was I. "I WAS JUST TELLING LUNA ABOUT MY MAGICAL PROBLEM." The white pony looks completely unconvinced.
"Looked to me like you two were getting comfor.."
"NO. YOU ARE MISTAKEN." I should really stop yelling and interrupting the leader of this nation. Atleast she looks bemused by all this. I probably look horrified, I couldn't tell from the unbelievable amount of adrenaline coursing through my veins.
"Anyway. The doctor informs me you're free to go, with one of my own caveats: You need to continue to wear the amulet while you're here in Canterlot. I can't really have you bursting into flame when someone uses magic near you." I am so pleased to have something to think about other than being the subject of an enforced make-out session! Fortunately my brain comes up with some rational questions about my new jewelry.
"Sounds fair. How do I take it off or turn it off though? I might need to use magic at some point in the future and I'd rather not get caught without it." She seems to consider this for a moment.
"The jewel at the center controls the magical shield, simply rotate it with your claws and it will stop generating the shield. It with reactivate if it senses it's been off for too long. As for taking it off..." She looks at me with an amused expression. "You just take it off." She giggles when I slap my head in a full on 'duh' moment. Why hadn't I thought of that originally? Oh right, I was fearing for my life.
"May I?" I gesture at it and she nods.
This thing is an absolutely amazing piece of magical work. Turning the stone, I feel the energy flooding back through into me like a warm river of pure joy. Flexing my magical muscles, I reach out with my sense and peer through the ether at those two ponyforms. What I see is very intimidating, they glow in power. Here I am, a newbie wizard, being attended by what could only be described as walking talking demigods. One of whom wants to make out with me! Pushing that horror aside, I focusing inward and check myself out.
Oh dear. I look like shit, every energy pathway looks damaged and all of my offensive spells are simply gone. Actually, it would appear nearly all of them are gone! Damn that Loony Luna! Shield remains along with Torch and one I call Click. But what does Click do? I hear you cry. Well, its a spell designed by a highly bored wizard for annoying the birds that kept crapping on his car. I fire it off, it flies through the air and impacts with a loud *Click* sound. Those bloody birds never stood a chance! Ah! Lets see if they weren't lying about this amulet thing being off. A quick sample taster of the local field and....
*CLICK*
Celestia and Luna both turn their heads towards the noise I made appear on the other side of the room. Good, so I can still cast stuff.
"Very amusing, Shade." Celestia smiles warmly. Aw, they knew it was me, suppose that was pretty obvious anyway. I turn the amulet back on, just in case.
"What happens now? I'm really grateful that you took me in, didn't murder me when I Firestorm'd and healed me. But I'm kinda lost and without a home for the foreseeable future." Luna gasps excitedly, a little too loudly and I'm fairly certain I can ballpark guess what the moony lunatic has in mind for me.
"HE MUST STAY AT THE CASTLE! " OH GOD, WHY HAST THOU FORSAKEN MY EARDRUMS!
"Luna, please, you're hurting our guest." Celestia softly smiles at her now bashful looking sister. "Of course. Shade you are more than welcome to stay here, until we can get that magic problem under control. I'll let Luna show you to the guest room." Really? Celestia, I hate you so much.
They looked rather amused when I kindly asked for some privacy to get changed, but in hindsight I guess they're always naked so its not a big deal for 'em. One of them must have apparently seen fit to launder my clothes. A freshly pressed cream-colored t-shirt, a pair of carefully folded jeans and a small box of my unmentionables including my shoes. After I'm fashionably dressed, I mentally prepare myself for another round of insanity and step outside.
There is Luna again, looking way too excited. Was this really the creature who mindfucked me not half a day ago? Before she was a high and mighty Princess, now she's more lusty teenager with personal space issues. Taking off in what was presumably the direction of the guest room, she walks ahead of me, swishing her tail and rear in what is presumably an attractive display. Not to me though. Not in the least.
So we're walking through Canterlot castle. By the way, its amazing! It's really hard to describe without using big words, but the best description I could come up with is: Expensive without being gaudy, like someone has gone through the entire place and carefully considered everything. I wouldn't have been surprised if they'd individually checked each fiber in the carpets, that's how intense it is. The other thing about ye olde C-Castle is the fact that, outside of the rooms, everywhere is amazingly cold! Vast, kilometer long stretches of completely unheated corridors!
Naturally, my guest room is at the furthest point of that damn place. Ponies have their coats of fur, so they don't feel how cold it is, but my t-shirt covered body certainly does. After a minute or two of walking, my teeth start to quietly chatter, I involuntarily shiver and that was possibly the worst thing I could have done. Luna slows down enough so we're walking together, then suddenly I feel something on my shoulder that pulls me towards her so we're touching side to side. Glancing at what pulled me, I find a large blue wing touching and covering most of my back. I'm moderately surprised at the sudden feeling of warmth from that feathered appendage when she turns her head and smiles at me.
"Better?" She asks coyly.
"Err. Yes. Thank you." What? I'd rather not die of hypothermia! Yes, I'm technically encouraging her, but fuck it, I'm freezing!
After another couple of minutes walking together in silence, for which I am eternally thankful for, we arrive at the door to the guest room. Luna opens the door, we go inside to reveal an absolutely massive room! There's a four poster bed, a wardrobe the size of a small tank and several massive windows. Seriously, I've been to some posh hotels and this place makes them look like 2 star Bed and Breakfast. My shock was obviously written all over my face as I hear the door shut, followed by a gentle giggle.
"So I take it you like it?" There's even a chandelier in the ceiling!
"...."
"Equestria to Shade, hellooo?"
"If this is where the guests sleep, I can't imagine what your room must look like." Luna blushes and I feel a tremble in my gut. It was just an idle comment! It means nothing! Fuck. I need to nip this in the bud before I get roped into a serious bondage... NO, bad imagination! Facing her, I put on my most sincere voice.
"Listen, Luna, I like you b..." Before I can finish, she slams me forcefully to the ground and jumps ontop of me. Jesus christ! She's grinning like a madman. Woman. Mare. Whatever! It looks crazy!
"I like you too, Shade!" Her face is a mere inch from my own.
"That's great, b..."
I'm quite a young man, but before I got magic I strived to experience new things as much as I could. I've been diving, flown single engine planes, fired assault weapons and pretty much tried every food on the planet. My catchphrase was 'I'll try anything once'. Well, that day I had to modify it slightly to 'I'll try almost anything once.' Why? Because that batty horse kissed me and then suddenly... MOUTHFUL OF PONY TONGUE!
Incidentally, if you're wondering what a mouthful of pony tongue is like, go to your nearest shop and get three or four packets of ham (Thin slice for four, thick slice for three) and a single blueberry. Open the packets, stack all the ham together and cut the sides off so its long and roughly tongue width. Smoosh that blueberry on the top for flavor and then try and shove the whole thing into your mouth. Congratulations, you are now an idiot. Also, you've experienced MoPT! You're welcome. Sort of.
Back to the moment, I use the term 'kiss' in the loosest possible way. Actually, forget that, it was more like a dental examination with the dentist using her tongue instead of proper instruments. Slavering over my wisdom teeth, she seemed to be having the time of her life as I reached up and pushed her off me. Pulling back, her eyes filled with a look of schoolgirl-like glee.
"Oh Shade, you naughty human." She apparently didn't understand the look of sheer disgust on my face. "I didn't know you liked it rough ." You've got to be kidding me.
"I don't." I splutter out while debating the idea of simply punching out a demi-goddess and legging it.
"Uh huh." She smiles coyly. "Oh is that the time? I have duties to attend to, I'll come back later so we can have dinner together , we can 'talk' more then!"
There is a blinding flash of light and suddenly Luna has vanished into thin air. Huh. Teleportation spells? Well that's... NO! FOCUS DAMNIT! CRAZY DEMI-GODDESS DITCHING FIRST! CURIOUSITIES LATER! I pull myself off the floor, wiping some pony drool off my face. Right, time to escape before I become some sort of concubine to that nutbag. First thing I try is the door, which turns out to be locked from the outside . 'Be our guest' Celestia said! This is just her civilised punishment isn't it? Summon a deadly firestorm and get mouthraped by Luna! Play royal tongue dueler until it falls off! Well not today you white-hearted bitch! I'm Shade and if there is one thing I actually know how to do, it's running away!
Ok, calm down, there are windows with balconies. Maybe I can slip out and do the old 'Assassin's creed' ledge walk to some safer place. Walking to those windows, I do admit this would be a really nice place to crash were it not for the neighbors. Throwing them open, I walk out into the glorious mid-afternoon air. I put my hands on the handrail and just soak up the view for a moment. The sun beaming down on me feels like its warming my very soul, the air is incredibly refreshing and the view is absolutely beautiful. I almost forgot the reason I was panicking about escaping it was so good, until I move my tongue slightly and the taste of blueberries brings reality crashing down on me.
Finally, I look around to see how I'd be escaping this nightmare. A quick survey of the place reveals how fucked I am. The castle is built on a mountain side, the next balcony is about fifteen feet away and the very worst part?
It's atleast a 200 foot drop to the ground below.
Well. Fuck.
View Online
Shade the Starcunning man
When a pony offers you alcohol, decline politely.
When a pony offers you alcohol, decline politely.
Ok, so technically I'm a captive in a castle with a demigod who has some seriously twisted designs for my meatbag body. It's probably safe to assume that she's going to be gone awhile with her 'duties' and since I have absolutely nothing to do, I decide to do a little spellcrafting. Lying down on that absolutely amazing bed, no really, it was like resting on air! Right, anyway, turning the amulet off, I push out with my focus to check there are no sudden surges in the local field. Better safe than seared. Since there isn't any movement in the field, I turn my focus back to myself.
Before we continue, let me tell you the interesting part about spell casting. You've got three basic types of casting methods: The safest to cast is the good old 'One shot', it's casting a spell you've spent time perfecting. Throwing a one shot is as simple as recalling the spell you want, tap the fields for some energy and use the fire word. Usually works fine as long as you've developed failsafes to stop unwanted triggering, which is something I'm definitely doing from now on.
Second type is the much less efficient, much more draining 'Free cast'. The process is largely simple to do, try and recall whatever effect you want. The more basic the better. Then shunt in that lovely local field energy and pray that it actually does roughly what you want it to. That's also the reason why those lunar guards didn't get thrown away. The process is dirty and usually ineffective. On the plus side, its fast and not very draining at all.
Third and final type is by far the more dangerous, yes, its 'Channeling'. Now how can I describe this to you non-wizarding types... Well, basically its the continuous application of power either through a spell matrix or a 'free cast' effect. Doesn't sound dangerous at all, right? WRONG! In reality, what you really need to imagine is this: You want a fire, but all you've got is a can of petrol (Or gasoline if you're American) and a box of matches. So you light the match box on fire, then just pour the petrol on the fire. Continuously. Until you're done casting or it's burned you.
Now why the hell would any moron channel anything? Because otherwise you'll be sitting there, yelling 'Torch!' every few seconds and probably end up having a seizure from all the flashing. Besides, the danger in this method is dependant on how much energy you need to push through to run the spell and how much attention you need to cast said spell. Tiny, basic is easy, big and complicated is hard. To make an easy analogy for channeling the latter: Imagine trying to run a marathon while also writing a book. In your head. In Klingon.
That's enough teaching. You didn't come to me for a lecture, you came to be entertained by me! Shade! Master of memory! Now, where wa... No, that joke is old. Whoever laughed, get out. Yes you, with the stupid expression, out with you. Ugh, look you can stay as long as you stop tearing up. There, that's better, now where was I? ....Damnit!
So, lying on that bed, my focus turned on myself, I wondered what spell I would create. Hmm. I did consider recreating some of my offensive ones, but the idea of getting mind raped so soon after my previous one wasn't appealing at all. Especially since I was almost sure they'd utilise the opportunity to go have a 'Happy Ending' in a completely obvious case of 'Oops, I just happen to levitate the wrong boo... Mmm. Oh my. ' So what to do? Ah, that telekinetic spell did seem awful useful and, to be honest, I've never even thought of using magic to move stuff! Fire, sound yes, but never the ability to reach out and touch somebody.
Recalling back to that fateful Firestorm night, I tried to remember that strange telekinetic energy Loopy Luna tried to restrain me with. Maybe I've still got a tiny smidge of the stuff on me somewhere. Yes! A tiny piece! Perfect! Grabbing it with my focus, I studied it and holy shit this is amazing stuff! But, unfortunately, way too complicated for me to cast in its current form. But I don't really need the full whack of telekinesis, I just want to push things around, so I carve that little sucker up until just the pushing bit is left. Right, now we need to make this a one-shot!
Spell matrices, by their very nature, are a pain. You'd think it'd be simple. Energy input here. Effect you want in the middle and finally, output here. But as with most of my magic, its never as easy as it sounds. Something always manages to find a way to either interrupt me while I'm creating or the spell generates something completely different from its intent. Or as experience has taught me, its like: 'I'm gonna cast my new illumination spell... Jesus Christ Balls!' And then end up paying for an entirely new shed after the old one vanished. Didn't burn down, didn't vapourise, it just disappeared. I'm pretty sure it teleported, but I haven't gotten any 'Thanks for the sit-on lawnmower!' cards from an alternate universe. Well, not yet.
Anyway, eventually I manage to form a spell matrix around that annoying jot of energy. A touch of my skill to smooth the input, alittle refining of the output and done! One pushing spell! Now, to name my little beast. Do I really want to call it push? Pfft! Nah! How about... punt? Haha! Yea that'll do. With a quick magical scribble to confirm the fire word, we're complete! Now, to test!
Whoa, I forgot how I get when I'm spellcrafting. The sun has lowered significantly since I last looked and I'm covered in a thin veil of sweat. Well that's good! Maybe if I smell like a boys locker room she won't find me so appealing! Right, so back to the testing. Grabbing acouple books that the room had, I set them up at various points across the room with the idea of figuring out it's range and effectiveness. Lets do this!
30 minutes later, I collapse on the bed. Not only was Punt! Effective, it was also tremendously fun to play with! Like a kid with a new toy, I punted the books, I punted the curtains, I punted the windows and even, at the apex of the silliness, tried to overcharge the spell and punt the doors open. Actually, that's why I stopped playing with it. The doors were magically charged and reflected that energy back onto me, giving me a nice punch to the stomach. Fucking magical pony doors.
I feel the darkness slowly closing in on me, for once not due to a shadow creature or a magical misfire. A soft smile on my face, I drift off to sleep.
I was back at home, in the field I own behind my house. Yes, I own my own home AND a massive field behind it. How did I accomplish this without a job? Well, horses back on Earth are remarkably stupid and easily distracted by certain clicking noises... Make acouple of long shot bets on the right ones, add some magical fixing and serve to a delighted Shade. What? Yes, I realise that utilising my magical abilities to win bets at horseracing seems like an abuse of these gifts, but even a wizard of my exceptional caliber needs a place to rest his head. Besides, I still had Rachel.
Ah, Rachel. In the dream I was sitting next to our favourite tree, the picnic I'd prepared laid out infront of me. She was sort of running to me, her older legs not really able to go that fast but she was so excited to be in the glorious afternoon sun. We'd come out here on the nice days, run around the field and generally have fun when the weather was good. Some of my favourite moments are just me and her playing together.
Eventually, she got close enough and pounced on my chest. Laughing, I encircled her neck with my arms and smiled at her. She looked back at me with so much love! Running my fingers through her lovely blonde tangle, we shared a tender moment in that wonderful summer's day.
"I love you, Rachel." I said.
"Woof" she replied. Rachel's a dog, by the way. Probably should have mentioned that before.
She was the only one I ever showed my magic to. When I'm lying to myself, I like to think the only reason I did show her my tricks was because there was no chance of her betraying me to another human. But in reality, I really did love that damn dog. First time I showed her 'Torch' her tail wagged for an hour straight. She's dead now, she died of old age a month before I arrived in this crazy pony land. I had her cremated and buried her urn under our tree. She would have liked that. No goddamnit it, I'm not crying! I just got something in my eye!
Anyway, as the dream continued, we ate many foods (Her favourite was pork belly, fried. She chose that over everything. Mine was the simple ham sandwich, alittle mayonnaise and lettuce.) After consuming our delicious lunch, I laid down on the picnic blanket and she rested her head on my chest. I sighed contentedly as I stroked her fur and she looked up at me with her beautiful blue eyes. Hold on, the dream seemed to distort as I noticed the difference, her eyes are green. Not blue! Those eyes look suspiciously like Lu....
KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK.
Waking with a start, I heard the door being hammered by an obvious hoof. A quick look out the window confirmed the worst, it was night. Which means Luna is probably outside the door waiting to do battle with my tonsils.
"Shade, may I come in?" I hear her voice from outside the room. Suspicion confirmed!
"I suppose." Rising from the bed, I'm debated if I should just shove past her and leg it again. But since I have no idea how to get down from the hellish mountain-castle I might as well just get on with it.
Luna slowly opens the door, trying her best to look as arousing as possible as she gently trots into the room wearing what on a human would be a lovely short black dress. On a pony, it looks fucking silly. Honestly, who makes these clothes? You're naked ALL THE TIME! Sorry, that's always bothered me. Anyway, she eyes me up as she closes the door and poses.
"Well?"
"You look..." I have to stifle a laugh at the stupidity. "... Nice." Which wasn't sincere at all, but she still took the compliment with a smile.
"Are you hungry?"
"Luna, I'm not really all that hung.." My stomach growls. Shit. I forgot it's been atleast twenty four hours since my last meal, but still, fuck you traitor! After I've been raped by this pony princess I'm going to eat a vindaloo curry just to spite you!
She laughs. I notice local field went all wobbly as Luna's horn began to glow, jesus what is she doing now? Trying to magically... Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light and the snap of thunder. Blinking away the blindness, I find there is a table absolutely covered with food in the middle of the room with two chairs on either side. Wow, that's what I call room service!
"Shall we?" She says, gesturing with a hoof.
Reluctantly, I sit my hungry ass down on one of those chairs and look at the feast of food. Not one bit of meat to be had, but it still looks incredibly well prepared. I go with what appears to be a stuffed red pepper with rice. Luna picks the salad. Using her magic, she tried to eat a lettuce leaf in an erotic manner. Nota bene: There is no way you can eat a salad erotically. You'll just look like an idiot.
"Luna." I eventually say just before she starts on the string beans, because I see where that's going and it won't be pretty. She stops and looks at me.
"Yes, Shade?" Ok Starcunning man, we need to be subtle here. Let her down gently!
"Can you just... Stop that please. I get that you like me, but you've only known me for like, five minutes. The last twenty four hours have been the worst ones of my life. First that Shadow creature, then that firestorm, then that whole business with you removing my spells. I'm just not ready for any sort of.." Ugh. I'm not going to call the idea of dating a pony a 'relationship', I just can't. "...Anything right now."
"But I thought you... Forgave me." She sounds adorable and sad. Fuck sake, stop reacting you wishy-washy heart!
"Yes, I did. But you're very... forward. I don't know if it's a pony thing, but humans tend to need a little longer than the five minutes you've had to know me. Hell, the only thing you could know about me is that I can magic up stuff..." I stopped speaking as she grimaced. Oh what the fuck did you do now?
"Luna. What did you do?" She stares at the floor, unable to meet my eyes.
"It's been longer than a day." She finally says. "You were unconscious for a week." Fuck! "And Celestia and I needed to be sure you weren't a threat to our subjects." Ah, so we're back to the mindrape again. Fantastic.
"How much of my life did you see?" I was starting to get angry. Fucking mindbreaking ponies princesses! Checking out one memory was one thing, but how much did they get to watch before I threw them out?!
"Ever since you got your magic. Your life after then is one of the reasons I was so forward. Please forgive the intrusion, I just.." Her voice cracks, but I'm too pissed off to have any nice feelings at this point. "... I know what its like to be different from everypony else."
My anger fades into confusion. I'm not that different from other humans, I just have these wonderful magic hands! Yea, even to my own brain, that rationale sounded pathetic. Lately, well, before Equestria, I did feel lonely after Rachel passed, but I'm Shade! Starcunning man of dying alone. I couldn't do magic infront of anyone before, but now I can finally do it in the open! And Luna's alright. For a talking animal with magic... Christ, all this introspection is making want to drown myself in alcohol. Fortunately, a single bottle of wine sat on the table. Picking it up, I notice Luna is sniffing quietly, clearly assuming I'm going to hate her after her admission of her tour of my history.
"Luna?" I say as I finish pouring two glasses of wine, she looks up with a sad expression on her face. "Lets just pretend none of that happened and start fresh. We've got food, our health and wine here! So, Hello pony who I don't know, my name is Shade and I'm a human." I smile at her, but she doesn't return it.
"I was also the shadow creature that chased you through the forest." She flinches as she says it. Really? Fuck sake Luna I was just going to forgive you. Whatever, you're getting forgiven regardless. Sighing, I start talking again.
"HELLO PONY WHO I DON'T KNOW." Ok, that was too loud, easy up on the old lungs. "My name is Shade and I'm a human." Luna looks relieved and tries to smile, but its a feeble one. Apparently she still thinks I'm going to be mad.
"Hello Shade," She finally replies. "I'm Princess Luna."
"Would you like some wine, Princess Luna?" I offer a glass, which she takes with her magic.
"Thank you, but please, call me Luna." She takes a sip and her smile returns. Victory! Now I won't have a pissed off Celestia trying to ruin my shit.
"Why don't you tell me a little about yourself?"
"Well, every night I raise the moon." What. "I like long walks in the royal.." I interrupt.
"You do what to the moon?" She looks confused.
"I raise it. It's one of my royal duties." What the flying fucking shitballs is she talking about? "And Celestia raises the sun. I thought you knew."
Luna was looking moderately uncomfortable as I stared at her with a look that was half horrified and half terrified. I knew those two princesses were powerful, but goddamn! Moving a fucking stellar body? And not having it be a metaphor for disco dancing?! Finally, I composed myself somewhat, grabbed the glass of wine and downed the entire thing in a single motion before I spoke again. Luna's expression morphed into a look of amusement and concern
"Moving. The. Moon." I felt the wine's warmth flow from my stomach, wow that was some good shit. Not good enough to distract me from the underwear soiling terror of a magical moon mover, but still. "That must be one hell of a day job." Luna finally laughed.
"You really shouldn't have drank the whole glass. It's my Special Reserve wine." I feel a tremor in the local field and get the feeling shit is about to hit the fan.
"I'll be fine, it's only wine. I can handle my alco..." Was as far as I got, before the overwhelming feeling of both magic and alcohol consumed my senses. My memory blacked out almost immediately afterward. Fucking pony wine.
"Shade? Shade?! SHADE!!" I heard the voice of that bleach white pony as I tried to remember what a Shade was. Oh right, that's me!
"Afurgle" I replied, before I realised where I was.
Ever gotten so drunk, you can't remember how you got home? Or why you're still wearing your 'going out' clothes? Well, I do. That said, I've never woken up in a bathtub in a magical pony land. Celestia's face was looming over me as I tried to remember what the hell happened the night before. Normally, I would have patted myself down to check for my wallet and phone, but it didn't seem appropriate at that time.
"Maybe you would like to enlighten me as to why an establishment called 'The Sticky Stable' has sent us a bill for a thousand bits. One hundred and fifty of them for 'furniture destroyed during the brawl' and the rest for 'beverages consumed.'"
"Err." As I tried to call on my magical wit, I found myself somewhat debilitated by my drunkeness. Apparently, I was still completely ruined from the night before and by that I mean that even the idea of standing up was making want to hurl.
"Ah wuz drinkin wassle whiskulse adn den Luna! Maek fuzzle wuzzle the truzzle!" I managed to say. Good god, what the fuck do these ponies drink that can turn me into a wreck after a single glass of wine? What was so special about Special Reserve anyway?
"How drunk are you?" She glared at me in the same manner as my old boarding school mistress used to when she caught me sneaking around at 2 am.
You know how people represent other people's height with their hands? I did that. Slowly drawing my right hand up from my side, first to my chest, then paused briefly at my forehead before finally gesturing to the other side of the bathroom. Yes, I was completely shitfucked infront of a Goddess. Celestia looked less than pleased as her horn began to glow, some magical energy lanced out of it and impacted my chest.
"What the fuck?!" I cried as sobriety hit me like a sun going supernova in a dyson sphere.
"Detox spell." She said. "Now, perhaps you'd like to explain."
"The last thing I remember is Luna.." And then the lost night suddenly rematerialised in my mindbrary with all the grace of a wingless pigeon filled with birdshit.
"Do you believe in Magic, in a young ponies heart?" I winked at Luna as I belted out the lyric from the stage. The ponies in the crowd were either cheering drunkenly or singing along. The band replicated the music perfectly, wow, they know their shit!
"...I'll tell you about the magic and it'll free your soul..." This was the Sticky Stable, I drunkenly recalled, with live music every night. By the patrons. One of which is a very drunk me and Luna. She's smiling from a booth in the corner, apparently unnoticed by the drunk mob of ponies in the bar. Probably because they're all staring at me, the wierd ass thing singing on stage.
"Your hooves start tapping and you can't seem to find..." Microphone in hand, I start dancing as only a bipedal creature can while singing. Which is basically shuffling from side to side in a one-two step move. The ponies love it anyway, some even try and replicate it. Funny stuff.
"We'll dance until morning, 'till its just Luna and me..." The dark blue pony blushes at the overt reference. I can hear my internal voice screaming angry abuse as I do so, but whatever voice! I'm drunk, I do whatever the fuck I want and, right now, I want to motherfucking sing!
"...Believe in the magic of Rock and Roll..." I drunkenly flick the amulet to the off position. At the time I thought I was being very James Bond, but I'm fairly certain it looked like some idiot pawing uselessly at the thing. No pony notices.
"...Do you believe in maaaaaaagic?" As I gestured with my hand at the end of the song, free casting several 'torch's across the room to replicate a starry night. The ponies 'ooh'd' in drunken glee as the tiny motes of light drifted across the room. As I cut the energy to the micro-stars the room dissolved into what sounded like a stampede of hoove-aplause with a side order of cheering.
I bowed as only a drunk human could, which is looks like you've started to fall over only to catch yourself at the apex of the collapse. Taking that as my cue to leave the stage, I weave through the crowd of adoring ponies, receiving many a complimentary hoof to the arm from the stallions and what I can only think of as the pony equivalent of a butt pinch from the mares. Incidentally, that feels like someone punching you in the ass. Who could have guessed getting liquored up would have such a positive effect on my singing voice? My approach to the booth isn't noticed by Luna as she knocks back yet another glass of her 'Special Reserve' wine. Taking a seat next to her, I wait for her to realise I'm here.
"Shade!" She drunkenly splutters when she finally notices me. "That was wonderful!" I blush.
"Thank you. It's one of my favourite songs." She levitates another glass of wine to me. "Why Luna! I think you're just getting me drunk so you can have your way with me..." Yes. I said that. Usually when I do the woman I've said it to runs screaming the fuck away.
"Maybe." Luna replies coyly.
Whatever. I chug it down and feel the magic alcohol work its way through my....
"Come on Helga! You can do it!" I practically scream at the very large griffon as she tries to stuff another shot of hay-cohol down her beak. "I thought you were tough!"
"Ah am tuff! I'd wape you in a faight!" She says, clutching the bar with her foreclaws with all her might. We're at the main bar now and I've got my arm draped around that glassy eyed moon goddess while I watch a wasted griffon try to beat me in a drinking contest.
"Pfft! Look, I'll do it!" I say as I throw back that hay-based shot without a thought. As it burns its way through my digestive tract, I look at Helga as she eyes me with drunken contempt.
"I was gunna do it, you flank!"
"Thought you'd given up, chickenwing." I reply, angering her further.
"Blunt beak!" She replies. I notice the rest of the bar quiet down and Luna stiffens in response. I'm guessing that's a griffon insult.
"Lightweight." Rising from her stool, she puts her forehead against mine in an obvious display of rage.
"Freak." She practically whispers to me, her beak tapping my nose as she does so.
"P..." I pause for a moment, this creature as claws, what appears to be a razor sharp beak and wings. Do I really want to... "...ansy." Apparently I do want to piss off a griffon.
The moment is tense as we stare each other down. The rest of the bar patrons are looking at us with a mixture of confusion and fear. Helga raises her claw, keeping it around my chest area as if she intends to disembowel me. Then, surprisingly, she starts to laugh.
"You're a riot, Shade! I've never met a creature who could outstare an angry looking me!" She offers her claw and I shake it carefully.
"It helps when you're not intimidated by a guy." Helga chuckles.
"I'm a girl, you overgrown diamond dog!"
"Could have fooled me..." I reply, earning a sharp clawed punch to the shoulder. I laugh heartily and so does she.
"Shall we have another drink?" Luna had finally returns to the land of the 'merely wasted'. The griffon's wings shoot out as she cheers in drunken joy. The barpony looks like he's got pound signs in his eyes as he smiles at the wierd combo of me, an alicorn and Helga.
"Another round of Herbaceous shots!" That birdbrain yells.
"Coming right..."
"....And when he woke up, his wallet was missing and the guardsman was never heard from again!" They all roared with laughter. We were out by the firestorm lake. Helga, Luna, some other ponies whose names I can't remember and a supposedly teenage dragon. Who was absolutely wasted on what was apparently Diamond liquor, I did try it and it was like drinking gravel mixed with wet sand. Don't try it, it's as horrible as it sounds.
"So, naturally, I give the guy some money to get home and he tells me: 'Shade, you're my best friend!' and the wanders off. I never saw him again!" They chuckle at the end of my story.
Eventually, the rest of the group returns to their respective homes, leaving just me and Luna. I'm lounging against a tree, relaxing while Luna's head rests on my chest. The rest of her body is close to mine. She's wearing a soft contented smile on her lips. Without thinking, I've started to stroke her neck and she sighs quietly.
"Shade?" She whispers to me.
"Yes?" Luna pauses.
"I... Like this." She finally utters. I feel a tiny, TINY portion of my heart melt. She's a lonely soul and, to be frank, so am I. I'm a Starcunning man of magic from a world that would probably carve me up to understand why I can do what I do. And here is a creature who not only understands magic, but actually likes me! Luna's eyes bore into me as I come to an alarming realisation.
"I... Like this too." I finally say, leaning forward to nuzzle that crazy....
"FUCKING SHITBALLS!" I screamed from the tub. "FUCKING ASSRANGING FECALSNIPER RAGEMONKEY TITFUCK..."
"SHADE!" Celestia interrupts my mono-swear-a-log.
"Cockwrangler." Finally, I manage to stop the cussing.
"So, I take it you've remembered what happened last night?"
"Bits of it." I feebly reply.
"And?"
"You. Don't. Want. To. Know."
"That bad?"
"I remember singing at a bar. Having a drinking contest and... other stuff. I don't want to talk about it."
"Do you know where Luna is? And why you're wearing her crown?"
"Celestia, I have no memor... Wait, her crown?" Reaching up, I feel the cold metal against my head. Holy shit. "Hmm. No idea. I don't even know how I got here last night. Last thing I remember is nuzzling Luna near that lake."
Celestia's expression changes from annoyance to pleased. Fuck! STUPID DRUNK ME! I'm swearing off alcohol for the remainder of my trip! God, why do I need to be such a needy fucker when I'm completely spannered on booze!?! Fortunately, the stellar pony picks up on my internal argument and tries to distract me.
"I've organised a magic tutor for you, she should be able to assist you with your... premature magic problem. She'll meet you here at four, assuming you ever leave that tub." Oh Celestia, why you've got to be so mean.
"While this is a very nice bath, I think I'll make it. Thanks." As she turns to walk away, she seems to notice something in the other room.
"Shade, why is there a traffic cone in the bed?" Wow, really?
"Because.... Because.... Its a human tradition when you consume alcohol to excess. It means you've had a great night out." I hear a small giggle. Yes!
"Well, I have duties to attend to, including paying that bar tab." I grimace, hopefully Luna's got some mon... "My sister will naturally cover your half, since I'm fairly certain she's responsible for most of it." Fuck yea!
"Thank you, Celestia." She finally leaves.
Wow, that detox spell is bloody magic! But I'm still knackered from all that drunken fun I had. Lying in the warm ceramic of the bathtub, I try and recall what happened after I nuzzled Luna. Well, while internally kicking myself for being a fucking idiot. But I find no memory of anything past that point. Well, atleast I didn't end up in bed with her. Again. Unintentionally, I fall into a warm dreamless sleep. Time must have passed quickly, because I'm very suddenly awoken by what appears to be someone kicking my door down. Practically falling out of the tub, I see a olive green unicorn mare marching into the room cladded in golden armor.
"SO THE PRINCESS WANTS ME TO HELP YOU, FOAL, WITH YOUR LITTLE MAGIC PROBLEM!" Christ, she sounds just like a drill instructor from the movies. "WHAT'S THE MATTER, STALLION? YOU AIN'T GOT NO ANGLE ON YOUR LITTLE DANGLE? WELL BUCK UP AND PAY ATTENTION! MY NAME IS HOOFBEAT, BECAUSE I'LL BEAT YOUR FLANK IF YOU DON'T PAY ATTENTION! NOW GET OUT HERE!"
What the fuck is this shit?
Author's Note
I've got a feeling this chapter is going to get me my first dislike.
Shade the Starcunning man
You don't ever say no to The Hoof.
You don't ever say no to The Hoof.
So, to recap from we left off: I've gotten drunk in magical pony land, sung a song to a cheering drunken mob, made friends with a mystical creature and nuzzled a god who can move the moon. I remember when my life was easy. Wake up, eat breakfast, cast some spells, lunch, then more spells followed by some internet and a tv dinner. Now I've got some psychotic stroke victim screaming at me from the bedroom and a mild hangover. Well, I'm sure this won't be that bad and hey, maybe some new spells!
As I haul myself out to the bedroom, I place Luna's crown on the table as Hoofbeat gets a good look at me. Her expression is an angry glare, which makes it funny when her eyes widen slightly in surprise at my form. Why yes Hoofy, I am a startlingly attractive man, thank you for noticing. Laughing internally, I smile at the mare who immediately frowns.
"WHAT ARE YOU SMILING AT?! IT'S TRAINING TIME WHATEVER THE HAY YOU ARE! GET YOUR BUTT OVER HERE SO I CAN MEASURE HOW MUCH MANURE I'VE GOT TO WORK WITH!
"Human, Hoofbeat, my name is Shade." I say, losing the smile and standing directly infront of that nut. Looking at her, I notice she has a strange mark on her behind that looks like a sparkly horn and a weird stick thing. Because I'm busy pondering that, I don't see the levitated riding crop until its been firmly shoved into my gut. The fuck?
"FIRST AND LAST WORDS OUT OF YOUR MOUTH ARE TO BE 'SIR'. SIR YES SIR. SIR NO SIR. SIR THREE BAGS FULL SIR. DO YOU UNDERSTAND, BOOT?" Holy shit.
"Yeah, I don't think so. Look, I've had a terrible night's sleep, so if we could talk like adults..." Apparently I have displeased 'The Hoof', because I'm rewarded with a sharp crack across the bicep. Christ! That hurts!
"SIR. SIR. SIR." She adds emphasis to her words with three more rapid fire hits to my other bicep and both my thighs.
Fuck this shit, I'm not putting up with a mental patient just to learn some new spells. I don't care if I have to wear this amulet for the rest of my natural born fucking life, I'm not going to be subject to a beating from a pony. Especially one with a retarded name. Jumping back to avoid yet another hit, I deftly twist the amulet and point at that bloody riding crop.
"Punt!" The spell works perfectly as the crop sails out of the room. As she turns to look where it went I give a satisfied grunt and turn the amulet back on. Better safe than sorry.
"Now, 'sir', I don't mind playing along with the whole drill sergeant yelling routine, but hitting me with that crop is a bridge... To.." I pause as I notice her turning back towards me with a grin that the Marquis de Sade would have probably blown his load over. The local field dips, her horn glows brightly and there is an almighty bang.
Teleporting, incidentally, is rather unique experience. The only way I can really describe it is like a ride at a waterpark with those inflatable rings. You can't actually see anything, but you can feel these water-like waves of power physically pushing you through to your destination. You'd think the process would be instanteous, but it actually takes a moment or more dependant on the distance. If it wasn't so debilitatingly draining I would probably sleep there, it's so nice.
So Hbeat had 'ported us outside. It took my brain a moment to process what the fuck had just happened, as it did so I looked around at where ever this is. Wooden obstacles, what appeared to be walls and hoops. Its a bloody fenced-in army training course, pony style! Laughing, mostly because my cardiac fitness is terrible thanks to a month long diet of Torch cooked bacon after Rachel passed, I turn back to the mare.
She's moved a few feet away while I was collecting myself, standing infront of a wooden wall. I go to open my mouth to tell her there is no way in hell I'm running this course, then I notice what is on the wall. Riding crops. Hundreds and hundreds of riding crops of every shape, color and size. Oh my God! This pony, who is currently staring at me with the biggest shiteating grin I've ever seen, must be a dominatrix in her spare time or just really enjoy beating the shit out of her recruits. The local field wobbles and about ten levitate into the air.
"BOOT! YOUR FLANK IS MINE! NOW GET RUNNING!"
I'll start running alright, I'd like to be running out of the course, but she's cleverly placed herself infront of the exit. Come on Shade, you can outsmart this four-legged shewitch! Magic her back to whatever hell she was spawned from! Reaching for the amulet, I manage to get about a quarter of the way there before a crop slams into my hand.
"BAD BOOT! I SAID RUN!" Another crop hovers meancingly close, cocked back and ready to do its thing.
"WHAT DOES THIS HAVE TO DO WITH LEARNING MAGIC?!" As I yell at her, the loaded crop fires off into the meat of my thigh. Fucking guardspony!
"RUN. RUN. RUN. RUN." She continues to wail on me until I just give the fuck up and start running the course. I can hear her hooves clopping along behind me as I jog to the first obstacle which is a low wall, laughably short, so I easily leap it.
"MAGIC, BOOT." She yells as I reach a series of overly large wooden blocks, spaced out so I need to jump from one to the next. It's obviously designed for a quadruped, so it's almost trivial to land on them and I pass it easily. Well, not too bad so far.
"IS ALL ABOUT CONCENTRATION, DETERMINATION AND STRENGTH OF WILL!" Thank you Hoof, I never would have guessed! Whup! Next up is some wierd wall/rail combo, what am I supposed to do here then? I stop to ponder a moment, only to recieve a crop to the left ribs.
"OVER!" She screams. I scramble over the much higher wall, feeling the much talked about burn they're always going on about on those exercise videos. "UNDER!" The rail is much shorter than I can crouch, so I have to roll on my side to get under it. "OVER!" She repeats. Yes Beatmare, I get it now as I barely manage to get over the wall and land on my ass. "UNDER!" How many of these fucking things are there? Rolly rolly goes the Starcunning man. "OVER!" Oh come on! With the last gasp of my upper body strength, I just about get over it and my arms flop to my sides. "UNDER!" Well, atleast rolling when you're tired is easy. Grabbing the rail, I haul myself to my feet, coughing and gasping. The Hoof gently encourages me to continue by smacking me across the shoulders. Twice.
"GET MOVING BOOT!" Trudging at maximum sludge speed, we round the fenced bend and see what is next. A barbed wire tunnel, designed for ponies to crawl through. Looks like I'm getting a faceful of mud! Half-collapsing to the floor, I barely manage to drag myself along the tunnel.
"AND WHY ARE WE DOING THIS? BECAUSE THE SPARK THAT ALLOWS US TO DO MAGIC COMES FROM INSIDE US! IF YOU'RE WEAK, YOUR MAGIC WILL BE WEAK!" The spark? Magic comes from the outside, you useless witch! I'm a conduit, not a generator! Anyway, the mud of the tunnel smells like a mixture of horse shit and wet dog. It's going to be a bloody nightmare to get out of my clothes, assuming ole Hoofy doesn't give me a heart attack from all this exercise. Eventually, I hit the end and stand up, sucking in air greedily. There is a bang and the shewitch teleports next to me.
"THAT ALL YOU GOT, STALLION?! I THINK NOT! DODGING PANELS NEXT! RUN RUN RUN!" She 'encourages' me again by wacking my right ribs. Dodging panels supposedly train for sideways movement. Probably tough for a pony to coordinate their limbs in such a manner, but for a biped like me? Easier than eating whipped cream, but I still take it slow so I can get my breath back. She doesn't notice as she spouts another piece of information.
"WITH A SOUND BODY AND A FOCUSED MIND, YOU'LL BE CAPABLE OF MUCH GREATER FEATS OF MAGIC! PERHAPS YOU'LL EVEN BE ABLE TO TAKE OFF THAT NECKLACE AND NOT LOOK LIKE SUCH A FOAL!"
"Hey! Fuck you Hoof!" And I recieve a couple crop hits to the ribs. Smart moves, buddy.
"THAT'S 'SIR, FUCK YOU, HOOFBEAT SIR!' BOOT! DON'T EVER CALL ME HOOF! NOW IT'S THE DITCH! RUN FASTER AND LEAP!" The ditch was just a small trench-like hole in the ground. Sounds trivial, right? Well so was jumping over it. Then it was around another bend to some spaced out wooden poles that rose up and down like stairs. Piece of piss.
"THE APEX LADDER! LIKE MAGIC IT LOOKS EASY, ONE MISSTEP CAN RUIN YOUR CHANCES OF HAVING FOALS!" Wait, what are those poles then? Magical nut removers? "AND YOU'LL NEED ALL YOUR FOCUS TO DODGE THE BARRAGE! TIME TO TURN THAT AMULET OFF NOW BOOT!" Alrighty! I'm gunna punt those fucking crops if they get close! Turning off my necklace, I take to the first log only to see something fly infront of me and embed itself into the wooden wall. IS THAT A FUCKING ARROW?! WHAT THE FUCK?!
"NEAR MISS THERE BOOT!" Bitch is laughing at me. "BETTER THROW UP A SHIELD IF YOU KNOW WHAT'S GOOD FOR YOU!" Another arrow shoots out and clips my leg. Letting out a tiny, breathless scream, I bubble myself and check out the damage. There is none, the arrows must be magically designed to cause pain but not cut. Still hurts like a fuck.
"OH BOOOOOT!" The shield gets hit by a barrage of pain arrows and weakens significantly. "YOUR SHIELD WON'T LAST FOREVEERRRR!" Releasing my shield, I look to my right and see that Hoofbeat is on some sort of contraption that is firing those bloody arrows. She depresses her hoof on something and another arrows slams into my chest. Christ on the cross! Feels like I've been shot! And yes, I do know what idiotic statement that was. Through the pain, an idea strikes me and I pull on the local field. Hoof raises her leg to press it again as I wrap her and the entire turret-thing in a shield. Hah! Feeding that shield, which is currently taking a pounding from the inside, I get over the Apex ladder and as I touch the last step release the demon instructor.
"WHAT A CLEVER BOOT!" She screams as she teleports beside me, scarring the shit out of me. "FIRST TIME SOMEPONY HAS THOUGHT TO BUBBLE THE ENEMY! MAYBE YOU AREN'T SUCH A USELESS PILE OF MANURE AFTER ALL!" Wait, was that the end of the course? That wasn't so bad, all things considered.
"NOW, WEIGHTED RUN!" Oh for fuck sake. "AND WE SHALL BE PRACTISING MAGIC WHILE WE DO IT!" No, we won't because I'll be dead after 300 meters. There is a familiar sounding teleport bang and something wraps around my shoulders, torso and hips. Checking it out, it appears to be a saddle. Hold on, that means... There is another teleporting bang and a weight drops onto my back, practically pushing me to the floor.
"ALRIGHT BOOT! LETS SEE WHAT YOU KNOW!" Her voice appears from above me. Yes, that's right. I'm being ridden by a pony. If everyone even thinks to say 'In Soviet Russia...' I will punt you in the face with magic. Anyway, Hoof has got weigh an easy 50 kilos which isn't terribly heavy. I start plodding away from the course.
"I SAID WEIGHTED RUN! RUN BOOT!" She wacks me in the ass with her crop. Racehorses, you have found a new ally against the evils of crops.
"Sir." The word tastes like poison on my tongue. "This is literally as fast as I can go with you on my back. Sir. " Hopefully my deference will allow me some respite.
"SINCE WE'RE POPPING YOUR CHERRY HERE, CANTER THEN!"
"I have no idea what that is." And recieve a crop to the ass. Again. Forgot the sir, didn't I?
"FASTER THAN THIS BOOT! PICK UP THOSE LEGS!" Struggling, I manage to up the pace to a rather uncomfortable jog. We've easily gone a hundred meters and already my legs are burning with the additional strain of carrying that shebitch.
"BETTER! NOW, SHOW ME SOME MAGIC! WHAT CAN YOU DO, BOOT?"
"Can... Shield. Make a torch. Punt things." I huff, barely able to catch my breath between each stride.
"BASIC SPELLS! PAH! SHOW ME YOUR FIRE!"
Remember way back in the beginning, after I torched the forest, when I said casting while being distracted is always a bad idea? Hoofbeat had apparently not been reading from the same rulebook as I had. Thing is, for all her banging on about focus she had apparently forgotten that I wasn't using a horn or wasn't a unicorn and therefore not naturally able to control magic.
Calling on my focus while jogging, I started to draw on the local field and prepared to channel a torch. Energy flowed into the torch matrix with ease as I raised my hand in a cup shape so Hoof could see and I let the spell form in my hand. A tiny flame burst into existance in my palm and the pony riding me snorted in disapproval.
"PATHETIC! EVEN FOALS CAN CAST BIGGER..." Well fuck you Hoofbeat! YOU WEIGH A BLOODY TON! YOU'RE A BITCH AND I MIGHT JUST BURN YOU TO ASH IF YOU DON'T SHUT THE FUCK... She's stopped talking? Oh dear.
My hand was now just below the epicenter of a football (Soccer ball for Americans) sized fireball, with small streamers of flame coming from the center. I stop jogging for a moment, only to feel through my magical sense that Hoofbeat is now trying to wrap a shield around the fireball. This, unfortunately, raises the local field and causes the fireball to grow in size to that of a beach ball. She tries harder, causing the ball to increase in size once again. Now its nearly touching my and her faces.
"Hoof. Beat. Stop. Trying. To. Help." I say through gritted teeth, trying to dispell the fireball before I become a well-done, fire roasted steak.
"STUPID BOOT! ITS MAGICAL FIRE! JUST STOP FEEDING IT!" Easier said than done by stupid military enemy. I knew I shouldn't have cast while distracted and enraged.
With careful focus, I slowly begin to taper off the energy flow, reducing the ball down slowly. Cold-turkey'ing the ball would probably have set fire to us both, atleast that's my theory. Eventually, it simmers down to a tiny flame which goes out with a tiny pop. Relieved and very sweaty, I take a deep breath only to hear the sound of teleporting. Hoofbeat now stands infront of me.
"WELL BOOT, HERE I WAS THINKING YOU WERE CLEVER! THIS TIME WE'RE SKIPPING THE REST OF THE WEIGHTED RUN IN FAVOR OF A MORE TRADITIONAL APPROACH!" Her horn glows and the saddle disappears. "RUN UNTIL THE BOOT DROPS! GO GO GO!"
I think I'll just shorten the very long run I had and give you the condensed version to save on time: Ow. Ow. Ow. "FASTER, BOOT, FASTER!" Ow. Ow.... Repeat that in your head for the next twenty-odd minutes and you're there. At the end, I collapsed into a sweaty breathless wreck of a man. She rewards me with another crop of encouragement to the kidneys.
"WEAK BOOT! I THINK WE'LL END THAT THERE IF YOU'RE GOING TO BE A LITTLE FILLY ABOUT IT!" She hits me in the gut with her hoof, keeping me pinned to the ground. Her horn glows and there is a bang. Atleast teleporter space is nice.
After Hoofy berates me some more for being weak, she eventually leaves me in my guestroom. More specifically, on the floor of the guestroom. At some point, I eventually manage to drag up enough energy to rise from the floor. I'm muddy, sweaty and knackered. What I need is a fucking hot bath and something to eat. Preferably something fried, with enough calories to feed a family of four. Moving to the bathroom, I strip off down to my underwear and just leave my clothes where they fall.
The bath, that ceramic relaxation station for the drunk. Time for you to be used as your creator intended! But how the hell do you fill it up? All that's there is this wierd scale-like thing where the taps should be. I push one end of the scale but nothing happens. I push the other end, but again nothing. I try pushing the hoof-shaped thing in the middle. Ahah! Eureka! I can turn on a ponytap! After some more playing with it, I eventually figure out that where the scales are set relates to the temperature of the water. Inventive piece of ponytech! Soon, the bath is filled with warm water and I remove my last piece of modesty armor and get in.
Ahhh! The relaxing warmth soon eases my aches, although not the tens of vivid red welts that practically cover everywhere my clothes was. My entire chest is just one slowly forming supermassive bruise, tomorrow I'll probably be black and blue. Ah well, that's future-Shade's problem now. My thoughts turn to introspection as I lather up a sponge and, gently, wash myself down. I'm stuck in ponyland, with a demonic magical instructor and two demigods who fuck around with the sun and moon. I have no clothing besides what I'm wearing, no money and I'm immediately identifable as an alien to the ponies. So no way to escape and hide out while I figure out how to get home. I must have displeased the Gods in some way. Perhaps its all the blasphemy and taking the Lord's name in vain. Besides, If I do escape I miss out on all the potential spell knowledge, plus Luna would be heartbroken... NO! Shut up! Stupid feelings! NO PONY LOVIN' YOU MISERABLE BLOODPUMP! HUMANS DO NOT DATE ANIMALS! Well, technically some of them do, but I'm not one of those wierdos! SO CUT THAT SHIT OUT RIGHT NOW!
Finishing up on my washing, I decide to just soak up that delicious warmth and relax. For the first time in two days, I correct myself, nine days since I arrived, I've a chance to simply be . Reaching up to the amulet, which I quietly hope is waterproof, I turn it off and cup my hands around a torch. The flame burns smoothly as I channel the tiniest amount of power into it. The simple act of summoning it banishes all that annoying introspection to the nether as it sits happily in my palm, the slight but lovely light cascading over my face and I enjoy the almost zen-like state of focused casting.
A quiet knock on the door at some undetermined point later distracts me from my peace, followed by a voice that breaks my calm into tiny pieces. Luna is apparently outside of the room and wants to come in. I sigh, put out the torch, click the amulet back on and tell her she's welcome to. I hear the bedroom door open quietly, followed by the familiar sound of hooves on stone as she presumably enters the other room.
"Shade, where are you?" She calls.
"I'm in the bath!" I yell out.
As I grab one of the fluffy towels that are usefully located near the bath, the bathroom doors open and Luna walks into the room. I let off a manly yell as I throw the towel over my naked body, drenching it but covering me from neck to foot. She looks somewhat confused as I point at her in blushing annoyance.
"When I said you could come in, I didn't mean the sodding bathroom!" I half-yell at her and she smiles in response.
"I've already seen you without your clothing, Shade." Ugh. Yes. She has and isn't that just a horrifying enough of a thought?
"GET OUT!" I throw the soapy sponge at the lunar god and she retreats with a giggle, closing the door. Phew! Slowly, I get out of the tub and throw together several towels to make a toga-like thing that covers most of my flesh. Not precisely fashionable, but I don't see why I should be encouraging her with more views of my manly meat.
As I enter the bedroom, I find Luna lying on the bed. She's managed to relocate her crown and tries to look regal. She fails but only because of the small, but noticable, bags under her eyes. An obvious side-effect of our little drunken partying. I offer her a small smile and she returns it in kind. The sun is barely lighting the room, but is enough for me to notice my clothing has disappeared from the floor-drobe.
"Your new attire is certainly... Fashionable." She deadpans, but fails miserably as she starts to laugh.
"Yea yea, laugh it up. I've only one set of clothing, remember?" I retort weakly.
"Oh my." She stops laughing eventually. "Well, I can have a tailor measure you for some other clothing, if you like. And I thought we might have some supper after I raise the moon, although perhaps without the wine?"
"Clothes sound good." Another box on the escape plan checked! "Food sounds better. But, to be honest, I'm really tired after today's training. All I want to do is crawl into bed." Luna's eyes light up at the mention of bed. "To sleep." I add, hoping to avoid a human-pony sandwich. She looks disappointed but not as much as I'd hoped.
"Ah. Well if you are tired, I will leave you to your rest." Rising from the bed, she seems sad as she trudges to the door. I feel a small pang in my chest as she does so. Fucking heart.
"You don't have to go so soon." Wait, did I really just say that? "Just don't expect much conversation is all I meant." Or any rape, kissing or snuggle attempts. She looks suitably happy as she makes her way to the balcony.
"Good! It is almost time for me to perform my duty! Come!" She opens the doors and takes a step out into the cool almost-night air. I follow a moment later, the warm shield of towels protecting my giblets from the cold.
"So raising the moon, don't you have to have some sort of magical amplifier or something? Or perform some ritual to get that hunk of rock up?" I say, more curious than anything. She laughs.
"Nothing of the sort. Observe."
Her horn glows and the entire planetary energy field flows to her. My magical sense screams, even though the singing strings of power cannot actually touch me. Slowly, but surely, the sun dips below the horizon and the moon begins its majestic climb to the heavens. Although for all its hype in my mind, its actually rather boring. Like when you're older, having seen fireworks a bazillion times, it just doesn't excite anymore. After a moment Luna's horn stops glowing and she looks at me, expecting me to be impressed.
"Well?" She asks with obviously baited breath.
"Well, that was kinda under..." I stop speaking as the sky slowly fills with stars, as if they were hiding from the evil sun. Expanding, they fill the night sky with tiny specks of light that fills me with child-like wonder. Like the first time seeing those fireworks I talked about earlier. Luna giggles.
"I'm glad you liked it." She finally says as I drag my maw from off the floor.
"When... When I was younger, I used to dream of building a spaceship and going to those stars." I tell her, spellbound and apparently talkative. "Visiting new worlds, meeting aliens, spending my life adventuring in the bosom of the cosmos. Its one of my oldest dreams. One of my favourites."
"And now you have." She says, her eyes sparkling in the moonlight.
"I..." And, with my defenses down, my stupid fucking heart takes over and wraps an arm around that demigod. Softly, I run my hand through the fur on her neck and look back to the sky. "I guess I have."
We spend a rather pleasant few minutes just staring up at the stars before my brain finally kicks back in and I realise where my arm is placed. Gently returning it to my side, Luna looks at me and smiles warmly. Why do you do this shit, heart? I was perfectly happy sending her away! Stop encouraging the demigod!
"Shall we eat?"
"Absolutely, I'm so hungry I could eat a horse." Her smile disappears. Thanks for that slip, brain. "It's a phrase from where I'm from." That's not helping, judging by her confused and slightly horrified expression. "We don't eat horses." Well, most of us don't eat horses, but that's probably not a good piece of information to share with ponykind.
"I see." She looks less than convinced. Hey, wait a minute! Ponies are vegetarians! I can get this crazy mare off my back if I simply reveal I eat meat! Genius!
"Human's are omnivores, hence why I've got these babies" Opening my maw, I flick my canines so she can see. "There are certain amino acids my body needs but can't produce, if I didn't eat enough my body would eventually start falling apart. Consuming flesh replenishes my supply." Listen to me talk the talk! I'm Shade the biochemistry professor over here! Luna considers this for a moment, her expression pensive, before she speaks again.
"That does mean you'd eat me if you had the chance?" ARGH! IMAGINATION WHY DID YOU HAVE TO GO THERE?! SHE MEANT CONSUME NOT THAT! Ugh. I reply while trying to make the image of horse nethers leave my mind.
"As tempting as that sounds, no, you don't need to worry about me eating you. Besides, I'm really more of a fish and shellfish eater than anything. Well, aside from a nice steak." All this talk of food has got me practically drooling while Luna seems to be smiling. Wait, what?
"Wait here a moment, Shade." Field wobbles, big bang, teleporting, the whole deal. Leaving my stupid ass alone on the balcony.
Ever meet someone who just wants to please you, regardless of how obscure and repulsive your desires are to them? Luna's constant stream of acceptance is really starting to make her the lead runner in that unofficial competition. Part of me wants to just go mental and say I'm a mass murdering necromancer who raises the dead. But even I'm not stupid enough to admit to that, even if it was true. Eventually, the cool night time air forces me from the balcony just as the night Princess teleports herself and a table of goodies to my room.
"While the Canterlot kitchens are well stocked, I could not find this 'steak' you mentioned. Many of the chefs had no idea what such a thing was. I did however..." I stopped listening when I saw what was placed upon my plate.
Crab legs. Huge butter drenched crab legs. Forget what I said earlier, I fucking love this pony! While she continued to speak, I sat down with a silent tear rolling down my cheek. This is my favourite food in the whole wide world and she automatically brought it to me with only the slightest hint of a suggestion! As Luna finally notices my expression, I bring a single crab leg to my nose and inhale that divine ambrosial smell.
"I take it you like.." Was as far as she managed to say as I basically inhale the entire plate of collected crabmeat, not caring where the shell and waste fly as I chew through the lot with reckless abandon. Some point later, time having lost meaning in the orgy of consumption, I look up at the horrified Luna with the greasy smile of glorious satisfaction.
"You were saying?"
"..."
"My mother always said food is love and, right now, I fucking love you Luna. Crab legs! I could eat these for the rest of my natural life and still not get sick of them!" I lean back and sigh contentedly. Even my training wounds seem trivial after that feast.
"Well." She says as she finally composes herself, "I'm glad you enjoyed it." Looking like she might vomit, she slowly eats her own salad as I stare off into the distance in post-foodus awe.
Eventually, she finishes her own meal quietly and we spend a few moments just sitting there peacefully. Then, feeling the day's misadventures catching up with me, I quietly yawn. She doesn't take the hint, so I force out a louder one which she seems to understand. Feeling the warm feelings of a fantastic meal, I give her a hearty hug. She doesn't even go in for a kiss, although that's probably because I'll taste like crab. With a bang, she teleports herself and the table away.
A wave of exhaustion washes over me as I haul myself to the bathroom, removing my towel clothing there and start brushing my teeth. At the time, I just toothpasted and went for it, but who would have thought they'd have a toothbrush? Yes, its technically designed for a pony's hooves, but its still very strange. Anyway, after I finish doing that I left the room and collapsed into bed. In the depths of that lovely thing, I doze off.
I was in a field, not mine, just a generic green field with nothing to see for miles and miles. Well this dream is certainly boring! Wandering around, I can't see anything interesting at all, not even a zombie shuffling towards me or an adventure loosely based on a movie I've seen. Then there is a cracking sound from behind me. Ahah! ADVENTURE AWAITS! My dreamself spins to confront whatever it is.
Its a pony. A pony who's entirely composed of riding crops. And its smiling at me.
"Run." It says in Hoofbeat's voice.
And the nightmare begins!
Author's Note
The slight delay due to paintball pain.http://img195.imageshack.us/img195/2972/paintballwhoo.png
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Shade the Starcunning man
No idea what to call this, other than 'This will not make sense'
I was sleeping. Dreaming to be more specific. Having a goddamn nightmare to be 100% accurate. Chasing me was a pony made entirely of riding crops who seemed intent on beating me until my arms and legs fell off. So I ran. The cropy thing laughing at me as I ran to the endless horizon.
"BOOT MAGIC! MAGIC RUN!" It screams at me, before it devolves into just random noise and screaming like a Khornite Berzerker.
Terrified, I go over my options. Oh wait. I'm asleep! I can't do shit! I'm the idiot who's stuck on the rollercoaster until it stops. There are no brakes on the Hooftrain! While I'm busy thinking about that, I don't notice something sailing from over the horizon until it is practically ontop of me. It's... Oh are you fucking kidding me? It's Luna. Again. Seriously, why subconscious? Why are you doing this to me.
"SHADE, YOU ARE HAVING A NIGHTMARE!" She yells at me.
"NO SHIT!" My dreamself replies. If I wasn't nearly crapping myself, I'd laugh.
"WEAK BOOT! MAGIC APEX LADDER BOOT!" No idea what that cropy lunatic is on about.
Luna's horn flares and shoots something at the Hoof. I glance behind me, but the Hoof has stopped dead in her tracks at what has appeared infront of her. Its a pair of boots. Black military boots. What the fuck subconscious? That shit doesn't even make sense.
"BOOTS! BOOTS!" It screams and starts dancing around them. My dreamself frowns and I turn back to Luna. She's smiling at me.
"Don't I get a reward?" She asks coyly. My dreamself starts moving towards her.
No. No you don't! THIS IS NOT ACCEPTABLE BEHAVIOUR! Pulling on the dream with all of my mental prowess, I disrupt it before it turns into one of those disturbing ones. My efforts are rewarded when I finally manage to open my fucking eyes back in reality. Sighing loudly, I notice it is still night outside. Looks like I'll be taking another long sleep. Just hope there are no more ponies in my dreams again as I close my eyes again.
I can hear the sea. There is a steady thunk thunk thunk of a petrol motor. My dreamself has his damned eyes shut as he tries to steady his hands on the side of the boat. I can hear the unsteady laughter of rough-voiced men, making small talk that I can't understand. Then some guy yells out from the back.
"30 seconds!" I know that voice.
"I wanna see plenty of beach between ponies. Five ponies is a juicy target, one pony is a waste of ammo." Another voice says. Wait, did he say ponies?
My dreamself finally opens his eyes. Ponies. Ponies wearing 1944 military fucking garb with rifles. We are invading Omaha beach and this is the introduction to the movie 'Saving Private Ryan.' Ok. Atleast Luna isn't fucking here again. I can deal with this. Pulling my sidearm, I cock back the... This is a paintball pistol. I'm assaulting a heavily armed beach with a .68 caliber paintball pistol. You know what subconscious, I'm just going to roll with this. Its a dream, it doesn't have to make sense as long as I'm not making out with ponies.
The ramp goes down and the warponies let out a battlescream. The first two charge onto the beach, firing at random towards the towering bunker that is replying in kind with a stream of paintballs. Running, I take cover behind a tank blocker thing and watch two of my guys take shots to the flank. They fall over near me, so I pop my ass out from cover, grab 'em and drag them back to cover. Firing all the while.
"HOW BAD IS IT, SARGE?!" One screams at me while the other sobs. Their asses are covered in paint.
"You'll live, soldier." I reply grimly because apparently we're taking this seriously. "But you'll be sore in the morning." I gesture over to a pony who's wearing a red cross on his uniform. It is carrying a bucket filled with water. He comes over and starts washing off the two idiots.
The incoming fire slackens for a moment, the machine gun nests obviously have to reload, the beach goes fucking wild as the ponies let out another warcry and charge the barbed wire. I run along with them, watching as they all stack up behind the sandbank and hit the floor. Laughing, because I'm a badass apparently, I let off a few shots before taking cover again.
"Goddamn it! Where are the unicorns?! We need this wire cut!" A pony who sounds remarkably like Tom Hanks yells out, before being attended by a unicorn.
"Had a bit of business with some sour kraut." The unicorn says, wiping some of the cabbage from his face with a hoof. Really brain? That's a fucking terrible joke.
"Get this wire cut! We've got to get over there if we're going to punch a hole through the Hoof's beach!" Hoof's beach?
The unicorn's horn lights up. I can feel those familiar telekinetic energies forming from the ether, they hold for a moment, then rapidly descend on the barbed wire. There is a horrifying noise of metal been shown who's boss and then we're free to pass. A third warcry goes up and we're over the top and into the trenches. I finally get a good look at the enemy. They're all olive green. They all look like Hoofbeat. Awesome. I pop two in the flank and they go down screaming.
Eventually, we clear out the first stage of trenches and move up the hill side for the bunkers. Tom Hanks the pony beside me, his eyes now dark blue for some reason. Walking like to bosses who are invincible as we hose down every one of those Hoofy looking motherfuckers. At one point, ol'e Tom says he can't stand shooting mares and I reply with 'War is hell'. Then we hit a small snag. Tom takes a round to the face and falls.
"Go on.... without me..." He whispers as the green paint runs down his face, looking like Vulcan tears or something. Kneeling, I put my hand on his back and pat him gently.
"You shall be avenged." I rise, feeling epic. "Medic! We need an icepack over here!" Ok, now I feel less epic and more stupid.
Apparently, I'm the last guy alive on my team as I charge into a bunker and shoot the final Hoofbeat mimic right in the face. She falls to the floor and I throw my hands up in victory. Well. That was alot easier than I thought it would be. Guess this dream is over then I think as my dreamself turns and marches out of the bunker. For some unknown reason there is a castle off in the distance. It looks like Sauron's castle from Lord of the Rings had angry sex with a pile of spears.
My dreamself lowers his medievil visor and summons a horse. Wait, what the fuck is going on now? Oh great. All of my military garb has vanished and been replaced with a sword and board combo. This dream seems determined to just be a mishmash of every wierd ass movie I've watched. What the fuck ever, lets get on with it.
The horse is a big brown one with dark blue eyes. Man, why do I keep thinking of Luna when I look in those eyes? Jumping atop my Charger, for some reason I know its name, we ride out across the plains to that castle. The journey is relatively swift and boring. Eventually, I arrive at the castle and my horse eyes me up.
"You have wierd dreams, Shade." It says.
"Charger, you have no idea." I reply.
"Are you going to defeat the dragon then?" Big brown asks with a half smile. "And rescue the princess?"
"Noble steed." I draw my short sword. "Fuck off somewhere else while I rescue fair damsel from the clutches of the dragon. And then I'll rescue her from her virginity too."
"So 5 minutes for an epic battle with the dragon. I'll come back in six minutes." It laughs as it trots away. Fucking subconscious, always putting the boot in.
The castle doors look like they've seen better days. Cobwebs, burn marks and even a sword are on/in it. Giving them a gentle push, they immediately collapse to the ground. Right. Well, access is easy. Stepping over them, I get a good look at the interior of that place. The walls are covered in soot and there are human/pony outlines burned into them. So, dragon who eats heroes? Yea, this is gunna be good.
Walking through the place, I notice a suspicious absence of bodies. Armor and swords are everywhere, but no skeletons. My dreamself checks his shield for the third time, apparently a nervous habit, then continues stalking down there. Eventually, we reach a courtyard and the tallest tower in the place. That's gotta be atleast 30 stories high! Of course, its where the Princess is. I hear a roar to my right and I turn to face it.
It's the dragon. The same dragon I got drunk with a few nights ago. And, if the smell of the place is anything to go by, it's shitfaced. It looks over at me, confused, before slowly rising to its feet.
"What do you want?" It mumbles.
"Fearsome dragon, I have come to rescue the princess!" I hold my sword aloft. For some reason. The dragon looks at me and laughs.
"And who are you supposed to be? This is my keep. I am RAZORFANG! SHE IS MINE!" It's little speech would be more impressive had it not then stumbled over its own claws.
"I'm the Knight Shade!" Yeah. Nightshade. Ugh.
The dragon finally has enough of the bantering and decides to charge me. Well this should be entertaining! As it approaches I lower my sword, ready to skewer it. Seeing my blade, it unfurls its terrible wings and takes to the sky. Ahah! This foe is obviously going to be tricky! My dreamself returns his sword to its holster and then gestures at the beast with a single index finger. Oh! Magic time! Fire bursts forth from the finger and nails the beast in the face. Burn you motherfucker burn! The fire washes over it, doing precisely squat and it laughs.
"Fire? I WAS BORN OF THIS!" It yells and laughs. Unfortunately for it, it is somewhat distracted by all the laughing its doing and slams into the side of the tower.
Well that's a bloody let down! The dragon crashes to the floor, obviously out cold. Ah well. That just means more time laying that sweet Princess whoever-the-fuck. I drop my shield and charge up to the tower door. Its unlocked! My dreamself is grinning as he charges up the stairs. So many stairs. Boring stairs. Anyway, eventually after running up all those stairs I finally reach the top of 'em.
A small tangent, you see when I saw that door I noticed a funny thing happening in my head. It was like my inner caveman just kicked in and bloody hell if I wasn't getting unusually aroused. As my dreamhand pushed it open, it felt like someone had poured fire into my veins! The good kind, not actual fire.
Anyway, back to the dream. The highest tower bedroom, decked out in a similar manner to the guest room, but that's immaterial. The bed was four postered, screened off by whisper thin sheets so all I could see was a vague outline shadowed against them. Oh please be Sarah Michelle Gellar under there! My dreamself smiled and announced his presence to her.
"Fear not, Mi'lady, for it is I. Knight Shade. I have come to rescue you from your imprisonment." Ugh. That name.
I notice a single white hankerchief drop from behind the screens. I know what that is! Its a token! My dreamself smile went into a full on grin as he walked to collect the token and return it to fair lady. He reached out, moving the material to behold his prize as his eyes lock on the Princess.
No. This cannot be. IT'S FUCKING LUNA AGAIN. WHAT THE SHIT SUBCONSCIOUS?! My dreamself looks into her eyes as an intimate and familiar piece of my anatomy beings to climb. No. Abort. Let me out of here!
'WANT IT.'
Wait, who the fuck is that? Who's talking in my fucking head?
'LIBIDO'
Oh. OH. No you fuck off!
'NEED IT.'
You don't talk, you're just the animal part of my hindbrain! You just keep running the secondary systems onboard the USS Shade and leave the decision making to me.
'TAKING OVER.'
My dreamself moved forward as Luna rose from the bed. Slowly, I nuzzled that pony and she sighed with pleasure. My hands stroking her soft fur. She went for the kiss, a slow gentle one with no oral examination. It was lovely. As she pulled away, she placed a hoof on my chest and looked at me. Oh God, I'm going to have sex in my dream. Abort this!
'NO.'
"So boot, do you want me to take care of that?" Luna's mouth spoke with HOOFBEAT'S VOICE? WHAT THE FUCK?!
"What?" I finally say as the dream starts collapsing.
Pew! Saved by the bell! After I wrestle back control from my retarded libido, who by the way has never actually spoken before, I'm gunna kiss whoever woke me up. And hug them. And thank them for waking up at whatever the fuck O'clock it is. I can feel the warmth of the bed. I can also feel that I've got a bit of the old nocturnal penile tumescence or in laymans terms I've got morning woody. Well, that's kinda normal.
Then I notice something. A pressure on my chest. Precisely where Luna was touching my armor in the dream. Eh, what's that about? I open my eyes and see Hoofbeat staring back at me. She's not wearing armor, its on the floor. She's naked. And then the smell hits me.
"I asked you a question, do you want me to take care of that?" She whispers, flicking her hair in a sultry manner.
Oh god. What is that smell? Why am I so turned on by Hoofy? Is it something to do with that smell? Hoofbeat starts drawing little circles with her limb, slowly snaking it downwards. Oh god, she's getting lower but for the life of me I don't want her to stop. And, then, she's touching me on the dangle. I gasp and she smiles.
"I'm not hearing a no..." She starts rubbing.
Oh no. Oh yes. Oh God what the fuck is wrong with me. Is this good? Am I enjoying this? Its a pony! An animal for fuck sake! Don't stop! Stop! ARGH!
Smiling, her horn lights up and she starts to pull the covers away. Oh shit, I went to bed naked! The covers go away and I'm now wearing nothing but bruises, welts and my birthday suit. She steps up onto the bed and, leaning forward, presses her lips to mine. Internally, I'm having a fucking meltdown. This is happening right now and for some reason I'm actually wanting it to. She's going for it. Moment of truth Shade, do or don't do but make a fucking decision you idiot!
A realisation flashes into my mind. That smell is pheromones. So much pheromone that its overriding my brain and making me think I actually want this to happen. It's the same reason my Libido went fucking mental and could pull that shit off while I was dreaming.
Suitably armed and deciding to abort this shit, I notice Hoof's dreamy expression as she's about to... How can I put this in a classy sounding way.. 'Finalise her approach for docking'. I grab her around the middle before she can finish and she looks at me.
"Ooh. Boot. Those hands." Ugh. I may need to douse them in bleach after this.
Hoof only weighs 50 kilos. I can lift that, so I do. She looks faintly confused as I keep her at arms length and take her to the bathroom. Then her eyes light up as she sees the bath. Double ugh. I put her in the bath and turn on the tap-thing.
"I've never done it in a bath before..." She starts to say, but does not finish as I spray her psychotic ass with ice cold water. She screams.
"And you never will. What the fuck is wrong with you? Yesterday you beat the everloving shit out of me, which by the way still fucking hurts, and then today you're getting naked in my room, trying to hump me!" I give her another dose of icewater and she looks drenched.
"I'm in heat you idiot!" She yells at me. Ok, what the fuck is that. "I CAN'T HELP IT! IT JUST MAKES ME CRAZY! I'M SORRY!"
"What?" Did I just get an apology?
"I said I'm sorry. Whenever I enter a heat cycle I have to keep away from the Guards, but Celestia thought since you weren't a pony it'd be ok for me to train you while it passes." Celestia, you fucking bitch. "But when I saw you with your... Well, I couldn't help myself."
I may have to burn my bath after this. Horny psychopathic military mare in my tub. Fantastic. Hoof looks suitably chilled out after my rather uncreative use of the old fashioned 'Cold bath' technique. She also looks miserable and remorseful. Fortunately the smell had gone down to nothing, so atleast that's one less thing to worry about.
"What you're going to do." I say to her as I turn off the water and grab a towel. "Is never ever hit me with a fucking riding crop again. Never yell at me with your instructors voice again and refer to me as 'Shade' not 'Boot'. Then maybe I'll consider forgiving you for nearly raping me in there."
Kindness: Deployed! She looks suitably happy. For some reason I start toweling her off the same way I used to do for Rachel. She doesn't appear to be averse to it, she actually seems to be enjoying it. Not like that though, you filth. If she looked at me like that again I'd just pick her up and throw her out the window.
"I'm also calling you Hoofy." She looks at me. I'm honestly surprised to see she's smiling. "Do you know any healing spells?" I ask.
"One or two basic ones. Why, are you hurt?" She looks over my chest, apparently completely blind to the fact its blacker than night. "You don't look hurt."
"Hoofy. How do you not see this bruise?"
"I thought that was your coat color." Ok, that's retarded.
"It's a bruise. It's blood under the skin from where you were beating on me with that fucking crop. It hurts like a bitch and I'd very much like for it to go away." Her eyes widen at the idea she practically bled me yesterday.
Her horn glows. Well, this should be interesting. From it comes a blast of greenish energy that seems to curve around me, then it touches my skin and, buddy, that's a great feeling! Like the warmth of the sun on a beautiful summers day! As the energy goes to work, I see all that bruise slowly coming away like it's being erased. Awesome spell. I need to learn this. After a few more seconds, she stops and I'm good.. No, Better than good! Even my muscles aren't sore anymore! Hoofy looks me over and smiles.
"Thanks. Wow." I'm patting myself down, only to realise I'm naked. I whip a towel around me before she gets another look at my dangle. "Shall we do some nice, quiet training?" Hoof looks surprised.
"Probably not a good idea to stay inside, all things considered." She chuckles nervously. "Hmm. I'll show you the statue garden, lots of things to see and you can practice out there."
I nod my agreement as she gets out of the tub. As I walk back into the bedroom, I see the pile of golden armor and, surprisingly, my clothes. Only they've been laundered again. Along with my underwear. As I grab them, I turn to see Hoofy's horn glow and there is a bang. Her armor is back on. That's another spell I need to learn. Returning to the bathroom, I throw on my clothes as fast as I can. Then, she teleports us to the Canterlot Statue Garden.
That's a lot of fucking statues. Seriously. Most of them don't even make sense. Why are there two of that one? What's that even supposed to be? Hoofy's watching me hold a Torch! since we got here and hasn't stop talking. None of what she's saying makes any sense. How can a statue represent victory? Why is a pony tower of little ones a friendship thing?
"HELLO."
What the fuck. What the fuck is sitting in my Mindbrary right now. It's... Its a pink cloud. How did that even get in here?!
"I HAVEN'T SEEN ANYTHING LIKE YOU BEFORE! LOOK AT ALL THESE BOOKS! SUCH CHAOS TO BE FOUND IN THEM!"
Huh. Well. I stop walking as Hoofbeat continues on the tour, my concentration rattled I dispel the torch and withdraw my attention from the outside to the inside of the mindbrary. A pink fucking cloud is sitting in the middle. Not doing anything. Just sitting.
"EVEN YOUR INTERNAL MONOLOG IS FUNNY!" Whatever it is roars with laughter.
Another fucking mindrape go add to the list of attempted rapes on me. Fucking hell. Shutting out reality for a minute, I summon my driving glove of 'Get the fuck out' and reach for the pink cloud. As I do so, it skips away from me laughing. Get the fuck back here so I can kick your violating ass out!
"DON'T YOU WANT TO GO HOME, SHADE? WE CAN MAKE A DEAL!"
Ok. You have my attention, cloudy. Make it good.
"RELEASE ME AND I'LL SEND YOU HOME!"
"SHADE!" I feel something tugging me back from the mindbrary. "SHADE WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!" Hoofbeat is using her instructor voice again. Fuck sake.
Shaking my head, I fall back into reality not in the same place I left it. For some reason I've got my hand clamped around the leg of a statue and my right hand is wreathed in a green glow of Hoof's telekinesis. Looking up, it looks like a statue of what you'd find if you cast a healing spell on a cheap sausage. Pony head, lion and hawk paw. Snake tail. Fuckin' wierd looking thing.
"YOU ONLY NEED TOUCH MY LEG AND I'LL SEND YOU HOME! JUST SAY THE WORDS AND TOUCH MY LEG! DO IT! DO IT NOW!" The pink cloud is getting antsy.
"SHADE LET GO OF THE STATUE!"
Yeah, this is not a good plan. Its an obviously poisoned chalice. I'm an idiot but this guy might aswell have 'I'm the bad guy' written on his forehead with 'I WILL ALSO BETRAY YOU' underneath that. No way I'm letting him out. No way. Just gunna walk away. Walk away. Walk. My legs aren't responding. I can't let go.
"LOOKS LIKE WE'RE DOING THIS THE HARD WAY THEN!" The pink cloud says.
My hand starts to lower itself towards the leg. My mouth speaks with a voice that is not my own.
"Discord." It says. "I unleash you unto this world."
And then everything goes black.
Author's Note
I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I'M DOING ANYMORE.
Shade the Starcunning man
Dizzy Disco Drama!
Now, I know, normally I'd do a quick little recap about what happened the last time you were here. But I'm really not going to do that this time. Ugh. Alright, for those of you not paying attention or with long term memory problems: I had a very strange dream about being a soldier/knight featuring Luna....Alot. Then nearly got raped by the Hoof-'In a Heat Cycle'-Beat and then finally? Blacked out after potentially releasing something called 'Discord.' Whatever the fuck that is. Anyway, let's continue onward then!
I can feel grass on my back, soft and fairly moist. That's nice. But where am I? Who am I? These are important questions that need answers! What's that noise I can hear? Its almost like thoughts but made into sounds! Ah! That's called speaking isn't it! Something is speaking near me! Hmm. What's this sudden feeling in my lower body? It's a sharp feeling and it's not very nice. Oh! That's called pain! I don't like this very...
My brain finally decides that's enough of being stupid and I'm back in the land of the slightly less than retarded again. My head is throbbing like someone is throwing a dubstep party in my frontal cortex, my back is damp and my guts feel like someone just roundhouse kicked me in them. The best part of all these is the fact that my mindbrary is apparently covered in cotton candy, because that makes less than no sense.
When I open my damned eyes, I see Hoofbeat looming over me with a look that is half split between concern and fear. I notice she's speaking, but the words wash over me like so much rain on a rock. After I give my head a few good shakes, my hearing and capacity for understanding language return in full force.
"What was that about, Shade?" Yep, that's fear. I give a few good coughs before I reply.
"Something was in my head. Something talking. Told me how chaotic my memories were, how amusing I was and then offered to send me home if I released it onto the world. I refused, but it got pissy and somehow managed to take control of me. That thing had a classic case of 'evil villian syndrome' written all over it. What the hell was that thing anyway?"
"I would have thought your innate magic would have protected you from his influence." Hoofy looks away for a moment as I cradle my head in my hands. Ugh. I can feel a hoof-shaped lump on the side of my cranium. Did she punch me? "Every creature on the planet can resist Discord, thanks to their inner magic, so how is it he could so easily get to you?"
"Human's don't have inner magic, Hoofy, I'm a conduit not a generator. Besides, you didn't answer my question. What. the. hell. was. that?"
Hbeat considers what I've just said like I'm lying my ass off about my ignorance of her history before she realises I'm from another world. She then goes on to explain what dizzy disco Discord is all about. Apparently, he's all about pranking the shit out of everything on the world with his practically infinite chaos magic. To me, he doesn't sound that bad, but I guess if you're a pony the idea of chocolate reign and wierd animals is enough to freak you out.
Apparently, Discord got out recently and had terrorised a small town that had the 'Elements of Harmony' or as I like to think of them: The 'Get out of jail free' card. Apparently, he even went so far as to position himself in such a way that they had a clear shot at him even when he could just teleport away. God help these ponies if that dude ever got ahold of the 'Evil villain's guidebook'. He'd probably end up ruling the entire universe with all his god-like powers.
I do debate telling her that if he was a human, rather than a playful god, they'd probably have ended up with every pony not liking him becoming a corpse. But I don't really want to burn all my bridges with a single statement! As she finishes up on her monolog, I find myself somewhat surprised she hasn't dragged me off to be arrested for my near statue-break attempt. Maybe she's taken a shine to me? Ugh. No fuck you imagination, that's not what I meant you filth. Oh, she's finished talking.
"Sorry, what?" I finally say.
"You do have magic in you." She replies, "It's just never been used before." Yea what the fuck ever HoofB. "Touch my horn."
Gay! It's basically a bone-like dong coming from their heads. I'm not really a homophobe, but the idea of wrapping my ape-like digits around several inches of boner that isn't my own just doesn't feel right. Hoof apparently understands my reluctance and offers me some motivation that breaks me from my wide-mouthed horror.
"Either use your hands to touch it or I'll stick the tip in your maw." OH SWEET CAPTAIN JANEWAY! THE MENTAL IMAGES ALONE!
As I tentatively wrap my fingers around her marehorn, it begins to glow and I feel a familar tingle of the magic field course through my body. Hoofy closes her eyes as she does her work. I'm silently offering the dieties of this world a thanks that I remembered to clock the amulet back on or this would be going so far south of wrong you'd need a dustpan and brush to clean what's left of me up from the ground.
As the magic probes me, I decide to put the time that Hoof's searching me with to good use. More specifically, I start to gradually clean up my ruined mindbrary. Whatever the hell this pink shit is, it's not the most removable of materials, but atleast it does come off. It take's what feels like hours to eventually pry the stuff off the walls, leaving me with a relatively clean mental space in which to consider my next move. It is only after I finish that I notice a single out of place scroll on my desk.
As I mentally unfurl it, the message speaks to me:
"DEAR SHADE!
You're an amusing little creature of chaos!
If you ever get bored of that Celestial pain or her sister...
.... The one who you've been dreaming of since you got here, you dog!...
...Give me a shout! I've left my release spell right here for you. Look for the scroll on the door!
Signed, Discord.
P.s: If you can't stand the HEAT, get out of the bedroom! Teehee hahahaha..."
The laughing continues for longer that I care to listen. Fuck that guy. If he hadn't practically forced me to release him, I might have liked the guy. Whatever. It's at this point I can feel something in my guts doing a little dance, apparently I DO have inner magic if that's what that feeling is. As I return to reality, I can feel the familiar tingle in my hand that feels so much like pins and needles. Needing to get that limb some blood, I alternate my grip on her horn and she gets a serious blush on. Then the smell comes back. Congratulations Shade, you just turned on the horny mare again. Wash your hands you filthy fuck.
As she lets off a quiet moan I release my grip on her magical appendage. Ugh, I can feel my libedo wake up again from the smell and the moan. Shoving that foul instinct to just go for it back down the deepest mental bit I can find, I see Hoofbeat hasn't noticed I've let her go. She's just blushing with a half-contented smile on her lips. So I poke her in the snout. Now she's giving me a half-lidded seductive look. Fuck that look. No not literally.
"Don't even think about it." She shakes her head and that seems to clear her mind. Thank the gods.
"Sorry, you should know horns are an erogen..."
"SO!" I interrupt, "did you find any magic? I felt something going on there for a minute." She's willing to go along with me not wanting to know about her horn.
"It's very small." Critical hit to the ego! "But you should be able to use it even with the amulet on, although I can't imagine it'd be useful for anything more than a torch. Give it a try."
I take a quick look around first, because who knows what's going to happen if this messes up? We're at the entrance to the statue garden, the furthest possible point from that Discord dude. Well, that should be far enough. I cup my hand to contain the spell, before digging deep into my magical abilities to find that tinest spark of magic that I apparently contain. There it is. Dear gods, have I always had this power hidden away? Pulling on it is like trying to lift a car! But slowly, very slowly, it starts to funnel into into the spell matrix and my hand is lit by the fire.
Only its not a typical torch. The flames burn not orange but dark blue and hotter, far hotter than usual. It might be no bigger than a ping pong ball, but its heat is already way too much for me to handle. Dispelling it quickly, I look over at the Hoof with a look of confusion. She looks suitably impressed with my little display but I have questions that need answering.
"Why was that dark blue? And way too fucking hot?" She gives a little shrug.
"Must be your natural magical color, we've all got one. As for the heat, well if you're not used to using your inner spark then the effects are always going to be different from what you use regularly. Speaking of which, what do you use for magic if not your inner?"
I'm not going to waste your time with a pretty much identical description of magical field theory from before. Hoofbeat's reaction is underwhelming anyway, she just nods and I pick my ass up from off the floor. It would appear that her reaction to most magical theory runs along the lines of 'Its magic, it works, who the fuck cares why?' A view I can entirely understand because I have no idea how I can do what I do and usually trying to figure out the why gives me a headache.
Hoof eventually decides its time for more practice in regions that aren't the near chaos Gods, although for the life of me I can't understand why you'd keep your most dangerous criminals where anyone can just come along and break 'em out. But whatever, I don't run the joint its not my place to comment on that. As we walk to the training grounds, I probe her for more information regarding these so called 'Elements of Harmony' and what the fuck they are.
Ok, so the EoH are apparently magical artifacts that Celestia and Luna used to defeat Discord the first time round. Then, when he got out again they had to be taken up by some other ponies and all was good in the world. When I ask why the two sisters didn't just man up and take him out she gets nervous. She says there was an incident and the elements no longer worked for Celestia. She doesn't elaborate any further. As I wonder what happened, we finally arrive at the grounds.
Hoof wants me to run again. After I tell her 'fuck that', her horn glows and my trousers disappear off my body only to reappear in her mouth. Images of her attempted docking of my dangle flash into my head, before I realise that she's running away from me, laughing through my trousers. Well, atleast I'm wearing underwear and shoes still. Acouple of what I think are stallions in guard armor look bemused as I peg it after that mare.
This crazy bitch is fast! I'm already at near flat-out speed and she's still getting away! As I finally ratchet up to full speed, I manage to barely start catching up with her. She turns her head to check out where I am and laughs again. Yea yea, laugh it up mare! When I catch you I'm going to do... I dunno, something you won't enjoy much!
As I close the gap to within grabbing distance, her horn begins to glow and she teleports away. Cheating bitch! But then I notice something off about the location she's just 'ported from. My magical sense comes alive as I hit the breaks, yes, there is something there. A tiny break in reality. Must be an effect of the teleport? Who cares! Angry Shade needs his trousers back!
Turning off the amulet, I freecast energy at the rift. Dear gods, its actually working! Am I seriously going to try and rip open space-time merely to recover my garments? Yes I fucking am! The rift opens before me, unseen to the naked eye but totally visible magically. I jump in.
Oh shit. This was a mistake. The ride is over in a second, but that's a second of just pure agony. While Hoof's teleport was smooth as Barry White, mine isn't. Its more like getting dragged over a cobblestone road face down while someone plays a combination of screaming death metal mixed in with the sound of nails on a chalkboard. I don't land gracefully at the exit, so much as get thrown from it and bounce onto the grass.
Hoof is nearby, first looking surprised and then bloody concerned. I pat myself down. Yep, I must look like shit. My t-shirt is ripped like something was clawing at me in teleporter space, my chest is slightly bloody from what feels like a million grazes and my legs look like I tried to fight off a rosebush. The only two positives of my attempt to Doctor Who my way through spacetime is the absence of any damage to my underwear and the tiny amount of pain I'm experiencing. Well, in relation to my wounds. As Hoof comes in close, she drops my trousers next to me and is about to say something before I cut her off.
"What? It seemed like a good idea at the time. Hell, that should be my catchphrase. Also? Ow." I give her a tiny shrug from my prone position, before my body kindly informs me that doing so is fucking stupid.
"That was foolish! You can barely cast a torch without burning yourself! Teleportation is an advanced spell, how did you even manage to pull it off!?"
"Just opened your entrance and popped in. Pretty hard, but I pulled it off. Sort of." Hoof looks slightly confused before the tiniest hint of rouge appears on her cheeks. I'm blaming my poor phrasing on the impact damage.
"So yea, anyway, how about you teach me how to teleport without ruining my shit? Because it's probably the most useful magical spell I've ever heard of!" She sighs. "You do realise I'm just going to keep trying, right?"
"Ugh. Fine. First, lets heal you up."
"Nah. Save it for after." She looks at me like I'm mad. "What? It doesn't hurt that much and I'll probably end up with further wounds later anyway! Besides, it's not like I can ruin my only set of clothes anymore than I already have is it? Unless you got a tailoring spell in your head..." She shakes her head, then appears to realise something.
"Oh, before we begin I recieved a note from Princess Luna. I am supposed to drag your behind to a dressmaker after session today, apparently she's something of a fashionista. Waste of time if you ask me, all that gemstone fussing." Temptation to make fun of her is off the charts!
"Come now Hoofy, I'm sure you'd look lovely in a glittery gemstudded smock." I recieve a hoofpunch to the arm and laugh at her displeasure. "Aww, I love you too." She does not look amused, but a moment later she's got the tinest of smiles. Then she starts the lesson.
I'll do you all a favour here and skip most of the boring techno-magical details about teleportation in favour of a simplified version. Teleporting is complicated, something about piercing through reality itself to enter T-space or something equally wierd sounding. Focus is required to not only start the teleport, but must be maintained throughout in order to keep the trip nice and stable. Energy required to start and travel is based on distance you want to go. Essentially, for every meter traveled the energy requirements double. Also, she actually ends with the most vital piece of information, you've got to have a target in mind when you start or there is the off chance you'll end up teleporting into something and die.
As I absorb that delicious piece of knowledge while also trying to get the image of men being found melted into the hull from the Philadelphia Experiment. Hoofy decides to demonstrate proper teleporting focus by getting closer to me and porting us around the grounds. As I said before T-space is lovely and relaxing. As she does so she goes through precisely what needs to happen for each motion, how she's focusing, how she's targeting and how she's pulling the spark from herself. Eventually, she finishes up on her tutorial.
"Ok, now you try." She sounds very concerned, I'd consider opting out from this if I didn't want it so damn bad! "But be very careful! Very short hops only!"
Alrighty! Amulet off baby! I'm about to rip open reality itself and fuck it like its never been fucked before! Ok, once I've talked down my ego for a moment I'm ready to begin. Drawing on the relative field is easy, but now requires focus and determination. Hoof explained that T-space is everywhere, its just a case of grabbing ahold of it. My focus goes out, feeling for that familiar bite, but finds nothing. Not a single damn thing. The familiar sensation of annoyance grows in my mind as I feel around for that damn space, rising up to the point where I just freecast what energy I've got and say fuck it.
Whoa! We have liftoff! A tiny rift appears infront of me, now what did she say? Destination first, right that spot 5 feet away, set. Then touch the rift or bring it to you, either way works. Then focus on keeping the T-space stable while you traverse it, so it doesn't bash you around like last time. Right, so its like water, so I need to be like a canoe. Ok, that's a wierd metaphor, but it'll do.
I touch the rift, here goes nuthin'! Immediately I'm assaulted by a fraction of a second of that wierd alter-reality as it bashes against me like so much water. Gods, it felt like being pushed underwater by a tidal wave, feeling hopelessly out of control of everything! But it was a billion times better than the last one considering there was no pain. Hell, I could get used to that horrible feeling if it meant I didn't need to walk, probably just need to focus more on it anyway. As I land, I kinda collapse in surprise that it actually worked. Hoof looks unsure as she watches me stare up at the sky for a moment.
"Shade, are you alrigh...WHOA!" She didn't really expect me to grab her around the midsection, lift her up and break out into a victory dance.
"I did it! I did it! Hoofy I did it!" I say in a sing-song manner to the confused mare, who is giving me a sour look. "I could kiss you!" Then the rational part of my brain kicks back in and I put her back down before she gets any ideas. She looks happy to be released and gives me a small smile.
"Well, aside from that little... Overreaction I have to say you did surprisingly well for your first time. How was it?"
"Felt like I was drowning." She looks horrified. "But what the fuck ever! I can put up with that if it means being able to teleport!" She frowns.
"You're a wierd creature, Shade." She finally says. "Why would you ever want to do that again if it causes you pain?" Oh boy, I need to drum up something epic sounding for this. Yes, that'll do.
"Pain is temporary, magic is eternal." I say, giving it the old 'Stare off into the distance meaningfully' look. Hoof just chuckles and then taps me on the leg with one of her hooves to bring me back to reality. I look at her and she smiles a little.
"Wierdo. Now, do it again. Practice boot." I'll forgive her that little jab, christ, I think I'm actually starting to like this mare. Not like that, you filth.
"Sir yes sir." I give her a tiny mock salute before gathering the field. Here we go....
Author's Note
sorry guys, last week was a shit one. I could not write for beans.
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Shade the Starcunning man
Shade the Showered, Dressed and OH GOD, NOT THAT! Man.
So, I learned how to teleport. Not precisely a huge recap, is it? Although I guess the ability to tunnel through to an entirely different space and then pop back out again at your destination is a pretty big deal. Whatever, lets get back to the thing I'm not looking forward to: The dressmaker.
Hoofbeat stops me teleporting after my 7th jump, I'm bruised, bloodied and severly battered. I've pretty much burned myself out at that point, magically I'm unlikely to be doing anything more exciting than lighting a torch for the next few hours and I'm sweaty as all-fuck. Not that the expression on my face would give that away, since I'm wearing a massive grin. Fuck yea, Shade the Teleporting man!
As her horn glows and she starts to heal me up, I consider my new skill. The range I can jump appears to be around twenty feet, give or take. Energy field in that wierd place doesn't really seem to stay with me much further than that and without power I can't really maintain any sort of meaningful stability. I guess unicorns with their 'spark' can do alot more, but my own isn't really enough to even manage a torch let alone stablise a transdimentional riftjump. Still, totally worth the injuries that Hoof's just finished fixing. She sniffs at the air.
"You smell like the guard locker room." I take a wiff and yes, but only if it had been used previously by a rugby team.
"Well, it was hard work!" I give her a shrug, "I don't suppose you have a washing spell?" She eyes me with a minor amount of distain, that'll be a no then.
"The training ground has some showers, I can't take you to the dressmaker in this state. Come on."
Those are not mechanical showers, I note as we arrive at the 'shower', those are clouds. Big, white fluffy clouds hovering over some waist high stalls. Oh I get it, showers as in 'of the rain variety'. Man, this place just keeps getting wierder and wierder. They've obviously got enough technology to build a bathtub, why not just run a pipe out here for a NORMAL shower?! As I think that, I see a pegasus guard float down yet more clouds, add them to the others and fly off again. Right then, they do it because its easier than running a pipe, Royal Guard practicality beats my small time wizard logic.
I give the back of Hoof's head a sarcastic look that says 'Excuse me, what the fuck am I supposed to do with this?' and as I do so her horn glows softly. The nearest cloud moves slightly, then a gentle drizzle of rain pours from it and directly into the stall. As she turns around I can tell she didn't even see my look, but she's still smirking all the same. I disrobe down to my underwear, then make a turn around motion with my index finger at her.
She raises a single eye brow in what has to be the most classic James Bond-esque look I've ever seen and I can practically hear her voice going: 'I've already seen you naked, Shade, I even touched it you silly man.' Narrowing my eyes, I give her a glare and she smiles warmly. Damn, she's good at this non-verbal back and forth. She eventually turns around, laughing, after I throw in a little angry fist shaking and I throw my underwear off. Then I jump in before she gets any ideas.
FUCKING COLD ASS WATER! Stupid Shade, you idiot, of course its going to be cold it's essentially rain! I can hear Hoofy chuckling from my manly cursing as I rush through the getting clean rituals of head, armpits and my lower process. Fortunately there is some neutral smelling soap and a wierd brush on a stick. Incidentally, if you're a human or soft skinned, don't use a pony back brush, their fur is thick and hard and that brush will hurt ALOT! Take it from me, it's not something you forget in awhile.
Finishing up, I cup my manilness in both hands and gently cough for that evil trainer to cut the water. Then I'm hit with something of a realisation, I'm soaking wet and there is no way I can put my clothes back on like this. Pondering for a moment, I don't notice the spartan looking towel until its landed on my face. I can hear her laughing at my stupidity.
"Having fun, Shade?" She says as she turns back around.
"Oh bite me." And she laughs again.
While guests and the princesses get the big white fluffy towels of extremely lovely, the guards do not get anything so refined. It's like trying to dry yourself off with a burlap sack. Whatever, I'll make the best of this situation by hurrying the fuck up. Eventually, I finish up with the drying and slip back into my underwear. Man, I really fucked up my clothes and my shirt is basically rags. That was my favorite one too! Ah well, I guess since I'm getting free clothes today it's not that big of a deal. I put my trousers, shoes and throw my shirt over my shoulder.
"All done." Hoof turns back around and gives me a tentative sniff.
"And now you smell like a Guard. Minor improvement. Minor." She stresses the last part. I don't know what she means by this, other than the obvious negative aspect, but I can't really be bothered to ask her.
"Come on then, lets go see that dressmaker." She gestures with her head and off we go.
As me and her walk, I see quite afew guardsponies patrolling around and a thought occurs to me: Why are they all white? Surely they can't all be that color from birth or that'd be a real issue with recruitment! Not to mention a subtle racist undertone! When I put the question to Hoofy, her answer is almost unsurprising at this point: Magic! Illusionary enchantment on the armor makes them all the same color and that was chosen by Celestia. I follow up with the most obvious question: Why are you olive green then? Because I'm an instructor, she explains at length, not a guard and it's kind of a guard-only thing.
She then goes on to tell me why she became an instructor. Now let me tell you, don't ever get Hoofy started on that. Seriously, it would not be good for your health! She was first in line to be the Captain of the Royal Guard at one point, first mare to ever be assigned the position, when a brash up-and-coming stallion started dating a particular Princess and BAM! Her chances disappeared. Of course, I'm paraphrasing what she said, there was a LOT more cursing and even a tiny little freak out that mussed up her hair. Funny as hell, until she stared daggers at me and I shut up.
So she lost out to him, then decided to throw in her guard job in favor of training up unicorn recruits and that's how she got to be there. We walked in silence for a moment, her mood obviously soured, before I cough politely and she apologises for getting huffy. I play it off as being fine and she asks me about my world. Do mares on my planet get shafted too? After I stopped laughing at her phrasing, which took me acouple minutes, I went on to explain that most of the time they do. But its very small shaft. That got her laughing and it was all good.
Somehow, with all this talking, I've missed out on the fact we've actually left the castle. We're walking down the streets of Canterlot and, fuck me, that's alot of noble-looking ponies. Oddly nobody seems to be paying me much attention, sure I notice the looks of curiousity, but mostly it seems to be idle comments like: 'What's that with the Guard over there?' and 'What are those things on it's hindlegs?' Perhaps getting a guard escort in their mind means I'm something a bit special or, at the very least, important to the Princesses.
Eventually, after enduring a few more stares and one particularly curious young pony who tried to have her father 'purchase' me from Hoofy, we arrived at the dressmaker's store. It was big, I mean seriously huge building with a massive entryway. When we enter, I hear a tiny bell tinkling and a voice echos from within. That's when I take a good look around and my years of finely honed gamer-instincts immediately start screaming at me.
The room was basically a long hallway, with pony manikins on either side of an expensive looking carpet. Those manikins were also wearing clothes and on those clothes was the reason my gamer-instincts were screaming: 'STEAL EVERYTHING!' Jewels. Gems. Diamonds. Sapphires. Expensive stones and cheap ones. There was atleast tens of millions of pounds worth of loot here, all waiting for me to slide over and help myself to it! Then I feel something bumping my leg.
"Shade? You're drooling." Hoofbeat bumps me again when I don't reply. "Pay attention, I can hear the mare coming." I snap out of it with a twitch. I gotta stop playing Fool Moon, its getting me all animalistic.
The supposed dressmaker comes into the room and I could already tell I wasn't going to like her. She trotted instead of walked in, like that strange 'Dressage' deal from back home, all frou-frou-y and completely impractical for anything other than showing off. Her fur was red and had the sheen of intense grooming. Hair was an off-color purple, curled, hiding a small but obvious unicorn horn. The worst part was what she was wearing, dear gods, it looked so gaudy and expensive. Kind of a saddle-like thing too. Although why a sentient pony race would wear saddles is beyond me.
As she approached us, I could feel her eyes running over me with a kind of disturbed... Hunger. Like I was a fine piece of meat and she wanted it all to herself. Her gaze then shifted to Hoofy and she recieved a similar look. That said, you have to remember I'm shirtless and roughed up. Hoofy has mussed hair so we must have looked like quite a pair. After a moment, the mare came to a stop near to us and her expression shifted to one of distain.
"Fittings are by appointment only." Even her accent was snooty as she ignored me entirely and focused on Hoofbeat.
"I believe we have one, for Princess Luna's guest?" Hoof gestures at me and I give the snooty bitch a half-hearted wave. She looks at me.
"I am Golden Thread." Jesus, what a name. "Who and what are you?"I give her a short bow and introduce myself.
"Well, I'm a human. My name is Shade and I need some clothing. If you couldn't already tell." I gesture at my torn shirt and she barely glances at it.
"I see. Well, this fitting will certainly take longer than usual." Her horn glows and the tiny sign on the door flips over to 'Closed'. "Will you be staying too, Guard?" Hoofy looks at me, then at the mare and her expression alone tells me all I need to know.
"I have other.... Duties to attend to. I will return shortly." With a nod, she practically runs out the door to escape.
"Guards. They never appreciate the finer things. Ah well, come along human, we'd best get started." She walks towards the back of the shop and I reluctantly follow.
"So tell me, Shade the Human, what items of clothing do you require? A formal suit perhaps? Or maybe something to wear for dinner? Since I am unfamiliar with your species you will need to tell me what pieces you require." Well GT, if you let me get a word in edgeways I might be able to tell you!
She stops talking when we reach the end of the hallway, opens the door she came through in the first place and gestures for me to go inside. Now this room looks more like a tailor's place! Rolls of fabric, sewing machines and TONS OF GEMS! For some reason my imagination slips briefly back to Fallout 2's 'TAKE ALL' button. Ehem, enough of that tangent. She motions her horn to a small platform which I'm apparently supposed to stand on. So pretty much the same as Earth tailors too, alrighty then! As I stand on it, she looks at me appraisingly.
"Take off your clothes." I explosively coughed in surprise. "How do you expect me to make clothes if I can't see your body shape?"
"Golden, we humans don't like being naked. It's one of our deals. Especially since we've only just met! You could atleast buy me a drink first." I throw the last comment out there to be funny although I kinda doubt that such a snobby bitch is going to find so.
My remark is met with a deathly silence. Apparently Golden Bitchthread doesn't find my jokes to be to her liking. The rest of the 'fitting' devolves into me being thrust into more than a few demeaning positions with my manly process only narrowly avoiding being 'unholstered'. Somehow she'd managed to remove nearly all of my clothes without me noticing. When I queried it, she said: "My special talent is clothing. Manipulating it, sewing it, making it do what fashion requires of it. Getting you out of yours is foalplay." Ok. That's moderately disturbing.
After what felt like an eternity of measuring tapes and other fitting junk, she led me to a small waiting area while she 'created' my new duds. As I sat on the sofa in the small room, I began to wonder what the hell was her problem. Then again, if I was called 'Golden Thread' and owned a massive fashion store in the capital of the country I guess I'd be snobby as fuck too. Perhaps she's alright under all that frou-frou and bullshit. Perhaps she's a really nice mare!
My consideration was interupted as she returned to the room. No. She was not a nice mare. Or even remotely what I would call fashionable. Levitated in her magic was a suit, a suit covered with gems, diamonds and rubies. It looked like something Elvis might have worn if he was drunk, high and eating deep fried lobster on a stick. There is no way in hell I would even have that shit grace my skin, no way!
Golden has other plans and by other plans I mean she's a fucking seamstress unicorn who can manipulate what appears to be clothing-space-time itself. Before I can verbally refuse I'm clad in my newest piece of clothing. The fucking thing weighs a ton! It's hot, sharp and fucking dangerous to wear! Fucking fashionistic magic users! Apparently my displeasure is noticed by the mare and she returns it by staring down her long face at me.
"You obviously have no taste." She informs me from over her raised snout.
"Miss Thread, I wear grey and black. Besides, this is way too flashy for the casual wear I require."
"Your other shirt was cream." Fuck, I'd forgotten about that.
"Most of the time I wear grey and black. I don't want to sound like I'm being ungrateful, but this is far too nice to just walk around town in." Although I say nice like I'm using a curseword. She doesn't pick up on it as she turns and leaves, presumbly to go gemify more clothing items.
Removing the jacket, I notice that the fucking thing even has a tie covered with yet more gems. Seriously? How can anyone consider this to be fashionable at all?! Still, if I ever manage to complete my escape back to Earth I'm gunna be one rich motherfucker if I can keep my hands on this gear. Running my keen eye... Ok, I'm just guessing what sort of value some of these rocks might have. I'd say that the tie alone would probably be worth tens of thousands alone! Assuming I can actually sell them without explaining where I got them from. Although I imagine the expression on the buyer's face when I explained I picked them up in a magical, talking pony filled land would be halarious. Well, until they locked me up in the nuthouse and I have to riftjump the hell outta there.
I think it's been about 5 minutes before the door reopens. Oh dear, Golden has returned. Christ has she got a sweatshop full of Mexican workers in that tiny room or what? She levitates something towards me. Now we're fucking talking here! It's essentially a copy of what I'm wearing, grey T-shirt and black trousers. She releases them and I hold them. They're soft and lovely. Golden's face tells me what she thinks of my fashion choice all at once. It looks like an entire field of lemons. I offer her a smile.
"Now we're talking! This is casual wear at it's finest!" Resisting the urge to just tear off this gemmy horror, I don't want to look ungrateful, I enquire about a changing room or privacy. She raises a single well groomed hoove and gestures at a cubical.
As I remove my Elvis impersonators costume, I actually start to consider why the hell these magical ponies would actually NEED a changing room. Folding that moneypile carefully, boarding school training did teach us this useless skill, I wonder if it isn't do the lack of magic for the non-unicorns. That said, how would a non-unicorn get dressed in the first place? Using their mouth? The T-shirt and trousers slid on with ease. Ah yes, Shade the stylish man is back! Exiting with my folded gemsuit, I gently enquire about my changing room curiousity and the answer is simple: No noblepony wants to be watched while they flail around trying to dress themselves with their mouths.
"Not everypony appreciates the use of magic on their body. Although I believe it is simply a case of magical envy." She gives me a haughty look. Normally, I'd light up a torch and prove her wrong. Instead, reaching into the shirt I pull the amulet and release it so it hangs infront of my shirt.
"I know all about magic, Golden Thread. Why do you think I was with Hoofbeat, the Royal Guard's instructor unicorn?" She snorts.
"Wearing a foals amulet?" Realising that regardless of what I say, she's always going to have a quip. I give up on this pathetic game, if she wants to call that a victory, all the power to her.
"Yes. Anyway, I really like these clothes." I gesture at my stylish form.
"I can make more if you require it, although it pains me to make something so plain ."
"Well, plain is what I like. Although I think I do need about four more copies, alternating color schemes would be good. And a jacket would be great too." As she levitates my folded moneysuit, she looks at the jacket part with irritation before tucking it on a nearby desk.
"Well, this will take me some time. I shall deliver your 'clothing' to the castle, if I am correct in assuming that is where you are staying."
I offer her a nod and my thanks as she leads me back out into the store. Fortunately, Hoofbeat has already returned from her obviously fake duties and gives me a smile. Oh yea baby, I'm back in black! Hoof looks worried about something as we return to the castle. I'm not blind, so I push her as to why. She wants me to tell Celestia what happened in the statue guardian, she'd do it herself but she feels I should be one. Reading in the subtext, I can tell the only reason she doesn't want to do it is because then she'd need to explain why we were out there in the first place. Damn horny mares.
I sigh at her. So what if Celestia doesn't like my explaination? What if she decides that I'm an annoying human and just incinerates me on the spot? What if... Ok Shade, shut the fuck up. This is a demigod who didn't incinerate you after you firestormed near her sister, she's not going to burn you for this! Well, hopefully! Hoofbeat seems to understand my reluctance, but insists.
So, we head to Celestia's throne room. Or rather the reception area near her throne room. Apparently there is a griffon ambassador in there and the two of them are wacking out some diplomatic matter. Although as we pass the door, I can hear the hushed but angry voice of a male and the calm collected voice of a female. It sounds like when two parents are having an argument but trying to keep it down for the kids.
Laughing internally from the diplomatic matters that aren't my problem, we meet with the receptionist who delicately tip-hooves around the ongoing argument and informs me that Celestia has two more subjects to see before I can meet with her. They haven't arrived yet and it'll probably be atleast an hour.
I shrugged, it's still only mid-afternoon and it's not like I've got anywhere to be. Hoofbeat apologises with a nervous smile. She can't stay because of 'duties' with I'm still absolutely sure is fake considering she's in heat! But I can't blame her for wanting to get away, since she did nearly commit a crime on my meatbag body today.
As she leaves the receptionist informs me that she also must depart, but that there are reading materials and refreshments on the tables. Well, bugger that, today's adventures in teleportation and fashion have taken alot out of me. Checking out the area, it looks like a simple white room adorned with Celestia's symbol on the walls and floor. Serious ego problems or just done because of another pain-in-the-ass fashionistia? Fuck this, I'm too tired to think anymore.
Finding a corner sofa, I throw up my tired little legs so just my feet are dangling over the sides and lay my head down in the crux of it. Ah yes! I think I'll just take a little relax while I'm waiting to explain how I nearly unleashed a chaos god into the world. It's not long before my eyes close of their own accord and I nod off into a blissful nap.
Usually, when I fall asleep, if I'm going to have a dream it usually just has me kinda 'turning up' in the middle with a fleshed out plot and purpose already known. Only this particular nap is something else. Starting with the sensation of being called by a whispering voice, I float gently through what, if this was my mindbrary, I would call the nether. Slowly, the insistent voice pulls me to what must be my destination and I find myself standing, eyes closed, somewhere.
Opening my eyes, I can see an ordinary looking wall. Something is going on behind me, involving giggling and creaking. I'd really like to check it out. Oh look, I'm turning. Hold on, I can move myself! I'm having a lucid dream! Fuck yea! BRING ON THE HOOKERS AND DRUGS! Grin reaching from ear to ear, I turn and see this is a bedroom. Just an ordinary castle-like bedroom with a bed located in the middle of the room, about two meters away from me. That's when I notice that someone is getting busy beneath the sheets! Aww yea! Play me a song, Mr White.
Sadly, the room doesn't fill with the soothing tones of Barry White but I can deal with this not being a full-blown lucid dream. Quietly, feeling all those naughty voyeuristic feelings that you'd never admit to having, I sneak over to the bed to watch for a moment. By the sounds and sights of it, we've already skipped the boring romantic introduction and have moved on to the starter course of hot and heavy making out. The heavy breathing, the kissing noises and the soft giggle of a woman recieving some attention.
Gently, ever so gently, I pull on that sheet before getting bored of my lack of progress and just whip it off. Let's get to the main course already! The sheet clears my line of sight and what confronts me is simultaneously disturbing and massively confusing.
I'm there on the bed. Or rather, it's a body double of me minus shirt and trousers. Looking very VERY happy to be there as he kisses the long, dark blue fur of a neck. Luna, the owner of said neck, moans softly from beneath my double as he trails gentle kisses slowly downwards. My mind is utterly blown from what the hell I'm witnessing right now. As I continue to watch, the sheer level of perversion making it impossible to actually think straight, I see my double slowly rise from where he left his last kiss on her shoulderblade. Reaching her ear, he whispers something into that that makes her blush even redder and he smiles.
"Oh Shade." She whispers as he slowly runs a hand downwards...
"SUBCONSCIOUS, WHAT THE FUCK?!" I scream before this scene breaks any more of my sanity. Both of them immediately stop what they are doing and lock their eyes onto me. Luna gasps.
"SHADE!" She practically blows my non-existant eardrums out. "HOW DID YOU GET HERE?!"
"WHAT DO YOU MEAN: 'HOW DID I GET HERE?' THIS IS MY BLOODY HEAD!" I point a finger at the double, who smiles dreamily back at me. "GET YOUR FILTHY HANDS OFF THAT PONY!" My double just continues to smile at me and Luna looks confused.
"Oh god." I say as a realisation hits me. "I've only been here for a few days, I can't have gone native already!"
"What do you mean, Shade?" Luna the dream-mare asks.
"Heresy so much heresy." I repeat over and over as I back up to the wall. When I hit it, I just slide down that thing and sit on the floor. Bringing my legs up to my body, I hug them and gently rock.
"Heresy. So much heresy." Repeating it, I can hear the gentle sound of hooves on stone. Then I feel the soft fur of a snout on the flesh of my exposed forearm, looking up I can see the torturous dream-mare looking at me with a hurt expression.
"Am I not.." The question hangs in the air like a goddamn tombstone over a grave.
"Yes." I whisper, feeling both revulsion over my admitance that I find what essentially is an animal slightly attractive and a tiny amount of perverse pleasure. "And that just makes it worse. We both know what humanity thinks of guys who find animals attractive but you're sentient and jesus christ! Subconscious why you gotta be doing this to me!"
The dark blue mare doesn't speak, but instead gently brings her snout forward and nuzzles the flesh of my cheek. Since this is a dream, rather than filthy reality, I'm accepting of it and return the gesture. It's comforting in it's own way and we hold that pleasant position for a moment. Finding myself in a much better frame of mind.. Well, not curled into a ball chanting 'Heresy' atleast, I delicately move Luna's head with my hand and rise. This is a lucid dream, goddamn it, I'd like some fun before Celestia bitches me out!
"I know it's wierd to thank my own subconscious, but thanks buddy." I say, gently rubbing her cheek. "Just a pity it didn't happen in real life. Not that I'd want to encourage her anymore."
"Why is that, Shade?" She enquires, looking way too interested.
"You know, after all that mindraping business!" I chuckle as I look around for a way out of the room. "Encourage her too much and she might try and use her ability to slip into my mindbrary again to find out a way to please me. Lord knows, I'd fucking lose it if either one of those pony princesses tried that bullshit mind violating again."
As I utter the last sentence, I notice a single brown door on the far wall and start to move to it. Alrighty brain, let's have a standard funtime adventure please! The door appears to be thick, I note as I near it, the dark oak wood has a small peephole at eye-level and appears to be locked. Alright then, we'll get alittle scouting done and then perhaps a tiny bit of interest before this ends! As I align my dream-eyes with the hole, I can hear dream-Luna start to say something, but what happens next blows all concentration out of the water.
Returning my look is a single, massive blue eye. As I watch, it seems to almost move towards me through the peephole and I leap back in terror. As I let loose a scream, more schoolgirl than manly I might add, I can feel the dream shattering around me like so much glass. Suddenly, rudely, I'm returned to the reception area and as my eyes flash open I see a large pink face staring back at me.
"HI!" It yelled into my face.
"AHHHGRAWWBBLEE!" I replied.
Author's Note
Well guys, I know it's been awhile.Nothing but that , not fun to read and not fun to write.
So anyway, now I've finally gotten my groove back, I'll try to be better with updates.
Shade the Starcunning man
Being English does have its few advantages!
So, for once, I'm not going to recap what happened last. Actually, a recap isn't such a bad idea, I can't even remember where to start the next bit. Hmm. So, I learned to teleport. Well, I call it rift jumping but only because it sounds cooler. Enjoyed an ice cold shower produced by a cloud! Got fitted with some delightful clothes and one very silly but pricey gemsuit. Had a disturbing dream about, you guessed it, Princess-sodding-Luna. Again! And finally, fortunately, have awoken to a pair of light blue eyes on a pink face that isn't more than 5 inches away from my own. Recap complete, moving to the next chapter!
I screamed. I might be a fearless man of magic, but whatever else was I supposed to do? I've been hunted down in a forest by a terrible shadow creature! Ok, I know that was Luna, but still I thought it was some magical beast that intended to rip my innards out and dine on whatever meat happened to grace the forest floor. Those huge eyes screamed of untold evil, as if reality itself was responsible for the absolute and definitive terror that they promised.
So, I yelled at it and scrambled up the seat. My heart was racing, my blood screaming with fear hormones and adrenaline. What fucking abomination is that pink horror?! With uncharacteristic agility, I leapt onto the back of the sofa and balanced there. My hand went to the amulet around my neck and flicked it off. I was going to rift jump the hell out of there!
That was, of course, until I realised that the pink monster was actually just another pony. It, because I didn't know it's gender yet, had rather poofy hair not unlike cotton candy with a tail in a similar fashion. It also had light blue eyes and a big smile, which rapidly began to fade. Probably due to the fact that I look like I'm about to drop a chocolate log into my trousers.
"Pinkie!" A female voice spoke up, somewhere behind this pony, sounding exasperated. "You scared..." The voice stopped for a moment. "It."
With my heart rate now returning to normal, I took a gander around the room to find that voice. Ah, there are two other ponies here, one near the pink one and the other several meters behind them. One is purple with dark blue hair. with a streak that makes me think she's either a follower of the music genre called 'Punk' or is just a hipster. The other is a plain white unicorn pony, with dark brown hair. It's levitating a notebook/quill combo and is alternating between looking in our direction and writing furiously.
"Excuse her.... Um. Sir?" Purple says, gently pulling the pink one back with a hoof. I give a half-arsed glare at the pair.
"Thank you." I say through my gritted teeth. "For the most terrifying wake-up call in the history of wake-up calls. Have you not heard of 'personal space'?!" I gesture at the pink one who immediately looks like she's going to start crying. Jesus-fucking-Christ.
"I'm sowwy! I just wanted to say hi." It replies sadly.
Leaping off the back of the sofa, I land a few feet away from them. Purple's expression changes to concern, as if she's suddenly realised that she's looking at an alien creature whose disposition is entirely unknown. Well, that's what I'd be thinking anyway. The pink one is now giving me the good old heart melting puppy dog look with her moistening eyes. It takes a not-inconsiderate amount of mental fortitude to not go 'd'aww' like a little girl. A few moments pass before that look fractures what little annoyance I had for it.
"Look," I say, "Just... Don't do that again, ok? And I'm sorry about being angry. I was having a nightmare about a giant eyeball looking at me and then I woke up to yours looking at me. Freaked me out!"
"A giant eyeball?" The pink one says, "Through a peephole?!" What?!
"How did you know that?!" I half-cry out.
"Well, silly! You'd only see an eyeball through a peephole! Or maybe what the doctor uses to look at eyes! Were you a doctor in your nightmare?!"
"No." I reply, trying not to freak out again.
"So it could only be a peephole, silly!" Inexplicably she's gone from practically crying to smiling in the blink of an eye. Not the weirdest thing I've seen today.
"So sir, " purple looks no-less concerned, but speaks anyway. "If I may ask, what is your name?"
Oh boy! I've dreamed of the day I could use my full fake name! All that time daydreaming wasn't wasted after all! Puffing out my chest, I splay out the fingers of my left hand and place them on my chest. With my right, I hold it slightly outstretched with palm skyward.
"I am Shade, Starcunning man of Earth. At your service." Bowing, I offer them a warm smile because fuck yea I just got to use my fake name! The pink one giggles while purple looks somewhat unimpressed.
"You're silly!" The pink one is grinning. "I'm Pinkie Pie!" She leaps into the air..somehow. I have to practically force myself not to laugh out loud. With a name like that she's either a baker or a porn star.
"And I am Twilight Sparkle." The purple one offers me her hoof. Alright then. I kneel down and wrap my digits around it. She quietly gasps in what I presume is surprise. I give it a gentle shake before releasing it and standing back up.
"Twilight, you shook hooves with an alien! " Pinkie bar-whispers to the purple pony. I'm not looking at her expression because I'm too busy staring at my right hand, frowning.
"What's wrong?" Twilight asks, that concerned tone in her voice.
"I'm just thinking how strange it is that you know what a handshake is. I can't see why you'd use hooves in that manner when you could just nuzzle each other." My statement is met with a very slight blush from the unicorn. Oh Gods, please not this again. No more ponies who are into me, please!
"Nuzzling is rather... Intimate. Hoofshakes are physical contact greetings that do not have that element but still show respect." Whoa, she sounds knowledgeable. Thank you Gods for her not being a human-o-phile "Can I ask what you are, Sir?"
"Please, call me Shade, Twilight Sparkle." I give her a small smile. "I'm a human." I pause for a moment. "Well, I guess I might be a mutant human or something. Eh." I shrugged.
"Why do you say that? Oh, you can call me Twilight."
"Well, I can do magic." Her eyes roam briefly over my body.
"But you haven't got a horn. How can you?"
"You don't look a gift horse in the mouth." She looks confused. Oh yea, pony. "An expression from where I'm from. Basically, when something this good falls into your lap you don't question it, you just say thanks and move on. When I got magic, and no I'm not going into an origin story here, I just went with it."
It's at this point that my brain actually recognises the sound of paper being folded over. Glancing up I can see that white pony still furiously scribbling away with it's quill, then I feel a tremble in my gut. There is no way it could be writing down anything other than the conversation I'm having right now. As I said before, my modus operandi has always been to hide my skills, so I'm incredibly uncomfortable with the idea of having my talks on magic being on paper. Twilight starts to say something but I interrupt her.
"Excuse me! White unicorn pony, may I ask you to stop doing that." It stops writing momentarily and looks at me.
"But I have to make a record of this! Princess Celestia has tasked me with this and I cannot disappoint the Princess!" Oh brother.
"Erm, why do you need to make a record of this?"
"I have to record the interactions of Twilight Sparkle and Pinkie Pie! The Princess wants her experience's with her friends to be known across Equestria. She'll be very disappointed if I don't make a note of when they met a new pon...err." She quickly flips the notepad over to check for my species name. "Human!" She finally says.
"Well, can you just not do that, m'kay? It makes me very uncomfortable Ms..?"
"McCarthy." Well that's a weird pony name.
"Well Ms. McCarthy, I'm going to see Celestia in a few minutes and I'll make sure you don't get in trouble. She'll be ok with it, I promise." The white mare considers this for a moment, then her quill and notebook go into a pair of saddlebags.
"Well, if you promised then ok. Ooh! I could take a break." And with that, she goes over to the table of refreshments and goes to town. Well that was easy! I look down at Twilight who looks curious and confused.
"Why don't you like being written about?"
"It's one of my deals from back home. I had to hide my magic there. And while I'm ok with showing off here, writing about it just fills me with fear."
"Why?"
"Well, I'm the only one who can do magic from back home."
"No, I mean why be afraid?" I chuckle at that. Have to really.
"Because if anyone ever found out I'd likely find myself being kidnapped, experimented on and then taken apart to find out why I can do magic while no-one else can. My world is kind of messed up like that. Heh."
Judging by the horrified expression on the faces of those three mares, I must have said something wrong. Derp, you idiot Shade! You've just made your homeworld sound like it's filled with psychopaths, murderers and crazed scientists! Of course they're going to be horrified! Making light of being killed because you're magical, that'd be a horrible idea for a unicorn to visualise! As I silently chastise myself, I notice the pink one looking at me with pity for a moment before snapping to a determined expression. Then she leaps at me.
"Hug time!" As she somehow manages to grab my entire torso with all four of her legs and squeezes. "Hugs make things all better!"
[ERROR] Oh god, what the fuck is this thing?!?! It feels like my entire body is magically trembling with strange energy. My magical sense snaps on and I stare at that mare. WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS THING?!?! To call it indescribable would be an understatement. Streamers of something that, on the surface, looked like magical energy flew from it's surface. But they were certainly not magic, because magic isn't supposed to loop in on itself! Some of the streamers of energy even managed to somehow leave reality entirely , only to reappear meters away unharmed! I'm fairly certain that the English language lacks the necessary syntax and words to fully explain it. Then, suddenly, my entire visual field turns pink like someone had draped a cloth over my eyes. A memory slams into my mind, a horrible realisation that taunted my sanity:
'I am a conduit, Hoofy, not a generator'.
AND NOW I'M PLUGGED INTO WHATEVER THE HELL THIS THING IS!
Without warning, because warnings would require that this thing made sense, I find myself unintentionally riftjumping. Only, it's completely abnormal jump. The space I leap through is pink! I'm assaulted by incredibly happy feelings. My mind burns with discomfort at the thought of any creature that is unhappy!
There is no way of telling up nor down in this alterverse, but I'm apparently flying through it without the need of focus. I see a cloud of party balloons ascend into the heavens on my left, a pair of winged hearts swoop through the sky on my right. I can hear happy music that sounds like a Polka band. Then I see them, two barely lit sparks in the alter-reality of wherever the hell I am. These are unhappy beings! I must fix it! I make my exit, fuelled with the magicks of that pink one, wearing a grin.
I emerge from the rift to the sound of trumpets and a blast of confetti. I've arrived... In Celestia's throne room. Oh dear. The occupants of it, one very pissed off looking griffon and one very regal looking Celestia, look at me like I'm some sort of weird alien. Which, being that I am an alien, is entirely understandable. The griffon was huge , decked-out in a gleaming chest/body plate with medals and other accompaniments befitting a diplomat. When his brain seemly kicks in, he gestures at me with his right foreclaw. He doesn't look happy.
"WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS!" The griffon roars.
His right foreclaw is wrapped in bronze, the tips look razor sharp. Obviously some sort of weapon. I look over at Celestia and I can see the wheels of her mind turning furiously. But her expression barely wavers. Mark of a true monarch, that is, and that's coming from a guy who's a staunch royalist. A moment later, she speaks in a very motherly voice that I'm not entirely familiar with.
"Ambassador Shade, you are early. We were still negotiating."
Fuck. Fuck that pink pony. Fuck her right in the ass for this. Atleast my innate British nature stands for something here. I'm diplomatic as fuck. Although in reality that means being a compulsive liar who switches roles at the drop of a hat. I think I get plus points for my accent too, Cambridge born and bred, so I already sound refined. I offer Celestia a most elegant head bow, my eyes closing momentarily.
"My apologies, Princess, my watch must be fast." I say, hitching my accent up from 'refined' to 'I'm so wealthy, I shit gold' level. The griffon still looks surprised, so I figure it's time I... Wait a second. Why the fuck am I holding a string, that turns out to be attached to a pink balloon, in my right hand? And why is a single cupcake on a plate in my left hand?! Shit, no time to think about that.
"Shade," Celestia says, "This is Ambassador Vémundr, son of Végeirr and Lord of the isles of Faeroe. He is a griffon." Come on diplomat Shade! New species, new rules, no fucking idea how to play this other than being so cool that I'm ice!
"A pleasure to meet you." I respond. Goddamn I'm good! He looks at the items in my hands.
"And what is the meaning of this?" He gestures with that bronze claw at the cupcake and balloon. Fuck! Suddenly, I get a flash of brilliance! Remembering the hand/hoof-shake from before, I recall why humanity invented the handshake and pervert it to my own end.
"A human greeting ritual." I say, attempting and managing to sound sincere. "In my right hand I hold a symbol of my intent, which in this case is peaceful, so it is an object that signifies either joy or happiness. In my left, I hold a different symbol, one of my hopes. As I am abroad, I must limit myself to a simple dessert, to show that I am hopeful of peace and, potentially, many a good time together. Of course, if I was at home, I would offer you a feast. But one can only do so much."
"How do I know it's not poisoned?" The griffon asks warily. Christ, aren't you supposed to be a diplomat? That's not diplomatic at all!
"Have you met a human before?" It's a rhetorical question, so I don't bother waiting for his answer. "It is part of the ritual that we share the food together. It is meant to show that, while we are open to our new friends, we are not so foolish as to trust them immediately. Trust must be earned, as I'm sure you understand."
The griffon's expression softens a tiny fraction. Fuck me, is this actually working?
"I apologise, once again, for the size of the cake. But needs must as the devil wants, as they say. I see you have a fine weapon, and while I would never normally ask that such a trivial task be undertaken by such finery, I feel I am obliged to ask that you cut said cake. Princess, would you care for a piece?"
As I turn to look at Celestia, I hear the sound of metal grinding upon metal. It is a vicious sound, the sound that warriors of my history would have cringed at hearing, but it meant little to me. Celestia nods very gently. As I look back at the ambassador, I see that the cupcake has been equally divided into three sections and he looks pleased with himself. Not that I could blame him, it doesn't even look like any kind of edged blade as passed through it. Must be a damn fine weapon. Oh listen to me, being all English and shit!
"You shall have this piece." The griffon commands, gesturing at the slice furthest from me. Fuck, I refuse to let this asshole have the upper hand, I'm Shade the diplomatic man now, bitch!
"You must have met another human!" I smile warmly at him, transferring the string of the balloon to my other hand before picking up the piece he gestured at. "For you knew that it is customary for the guest, or in this case the one being greeted, to select the offerer's piece of food for their consumption! An exercise in mutual trust, you see, to prove that I could not have poisoned it. We humans are also paranoid." From beneath his obviously practiced veneer of contempt, it's pretty clear that he's got the tiniest of smiles from all the back and forthing. Celestia takes her piece and he does the same. I raise mine to the heavens as if I'm raising a glass.
"To new friends, may they never falter." They raise their own and we eat. It is barely a mouthful and they both chew conservatively. Then they swallow and the moment passes.
"Well Ambassador Shade, Ambassador Vémundr and I still have business to conclude. Would you mind waiting in the reception area for a moment longer?" That commanding, off-Celestia tone from Celestia herself is really starting to get to me. But I'm still playing at diplomat, so better be guarded about it.
"Of course. A pleasure to meet you, Ambassador Vémundr."
"Likewise." His tone betrays a certain unease, but then again I did just teleport into the middle of an argument.
Giving them both a quick bow, I move slowly but formally to the exit. The secretary gave me a startled look as I emerged from the double doors. I returned her look with one that said: 'Don't fucking bother me right now' and enquired as to where the nearest bathroom was. Leaving the confused secretary the plate and ballon, I follow the given directions, running my stupid ass all the way there and, for a moment, stared into the ceramic bowl of the toilet.
Then I chucked up my guts.
The combination of rifting through 'Pink space', the magical training I'd done that day and also the huge amounts of adrenaline fuelled British bullshit.. well, it does have a cost! As I let the last of my fried egg breakfast... Hold up. Ok, so I'm telling you about what happened, don't be surprised if I miss out on the irrelevant (And boring) details like 'What I had for breakfast.' or when I used the bathroom last. I mean, really, who wants to hear about a guy taking a piss? Anyway, at some undetermined point later, I finish, then clean my maw up and made my way back to the reception room.
Slipping quietly back into the room, I can see that the pink pony is currently seated on a bench in the middle of the room next to a deeply confused looking Twilight Sparkle. Pinkie herself is just staring off into the distance in a classic 'Thousand yard stare' kinda way. They haven't heard me arrive and I'm debating on playing this off as funny or annoyed like the good little human. Hmm. I am still pretty angry, but it was kinda funny to ruin a diplomatic meeting. Why not do both? Funny angry. Ooh. I have an idea for that.
Turning off my amulet, I pull on the field and prepare two seperate spells. Sure, this is a terrible idea, but if I pull it off it'll be halarious. Well, to me atleast. Using a freecast, I throw some energy and make a rift, setting the destination to 3 feet infront of them. For the other spell, I call up Torch! and hold two balls of fire in each of my hands, my arms in the air for intimidation effect. Limbering up my face with a quick stretch, I then put on the angrest look I can, baring my teeth and frowning my brow. Well, I think it looks like I really need to take a poop, but hopefully they won't know the difference.
Alrighty, Shade the Angryman is a go! With the help of what little remains of the adrenaline before, I riftjump. Surprisingly, my focus is rather good and the jump only feels slightly bad. Abit rough, but whatever. The exit collapses and I emerge with a bang at my destination. The two ponies immediately notice and their eyes widen.
"PURGE YOU WITH FLAME!" I yell. God, I'm such a 40k nerd.
The effect is immediate and, as I predicted, is completely halarious. They leap into the air, screaming, before taking off towards the door. Oh sweet Jesus, that was a good one! I dispel my torches and laugh. I laugh so hard infact that I nearly start crying, collapsing onto my knees and hit the floor with my fist acouple times. Man, their faces were a picture! I can hear they've not actually left the room, but I can hear what appears to be the sound of magic. After a moment, I finally look up to apologise and I'm greeted by the sight of something that I didn't expect.
"Is that a fucking cannon?!" I scream at the pink pony, who's hoof slams down onto the button at the back of said cannon. Farewell world, you're a dick!
Cream pie right to the face. Yes, a cream pie firing cannon. Even then, my broken brain can't make a dirty joke outta that!
"I suppose I deserved that." I say, wiping off most of the cream with a single pass as I stand up again. I can see both of them are in quasi-combat poses. Looks like my little prank wasn't so smart after all. Shit. What the fuck do I say now?
"YOU WON'T HARM ME OR MY FRIEND!" Twilight Sparkle yells fiercely.
"Well, your friend there just made me riftjump into the middle of Celestia's meeting with Ambassador Vémundr. But I was only kidding anyway." And with that statement, the atmosphere of the room chills out a little. Twilight looks wary, still ready for a fight, but confused by what I just said.
"I did?" The pink pony enquires, confused.
"Yes. You did. You see, I'm a conduit for magical energies and I just got a little taste of your magic. What are you anyway?"
"She's Pinkie Pie, don't bother asking why. Trying to find out will drive you nuts." Twilight explains after groaning at my question. Since it's obvious we're not going to be having any epic battles, I flick the amulet back on.
"Well, sorry if my little prank scared you. But you should have seen your faces. Priceless!" Pinkie giggles.
"Yeacuzyouwereall 'raar' andwewereall 'ahh!' andthenwewhereall 'letsgetthemonster!'" Her little blabbering is quickly stopped by Twilight's hoof.
"Sorry." She sheepishly offered my confused little head.
Eventually, they return to their seats and I sit down next to Pinkie. Twilight, who apparently is a student of magic, asks me about my own and I dutifully explain about my conduit/generator theory for the second time that bloody day. Seriously, I should just write it down and have them read it instead of wasting my breath. Anyways, after I finish the description Pinkie asks me the weirdest question.
"Do you like to party?" I look at her with a twinge of concern. I've seen those American movies where the girls ask the guys that!
"You mean like 'Getting drunk and dancing' or the other meaning?"
"There's another meaning for partying?" She looks confused. Ah, thank you Gods. "What's the other meaning?"
"Yes. I do like to party." I'm completely ignoring that question.
Pinkie cheers, throwing her hooves into the air. Had to smile at that. Once she's finished, her hooves come down and one lands on my thigh. Oh fuck! Not this agai....Nothing's happening. She gasps when she realises she's just touched me again. A moment more passes. Still nothing.
"What?" Looking down at that leg. "Why is this so damn inconsistent!?" She moves her leg away. Twilight coughs quietly.
"You're wearing a Radiant Sol amulet, Shade, it generates a magic shield. It's very likely blocking Pinkie's...Pinkieness." Naturally, that makes perfect sense!
"Ahh. So that's how that thing got in my head."
"What thing?" She asks. Whoa, danger Starcunning man! Discord's a chaos God, remember! Let's not burn these bridges!
"Just some dumb magician, nothing very important." I play it off easily. "Where's that other pony gone off too anyway?"
"Well, when you left she was feeling tired, so she's gone off to find the other writerpony. Larson, I think his name is."
Our conversation stops at that moment when the doors open and the secretary pops her head in. Apparently Celestia is finished with the Griffon and can now see these two. They get up and offer me a smile and a goodbye which I return. The door closes and now I'm alone again in the room. Looking down, I pick up the amulet and inspect it. It's funny how I went from not having this thing around my neck to it being practically part of my body.
Actually, now I'm becoming a bit introspective, my mind goes back to thoughts of Earth. Would I ever find a way back there? Sure, it has it's good and bad points, but that's my home with my stuff! For some reason, thinking of home makes me think of my parents. Sure, I haven't spoken to them in ages, but that's kind of our deal. No contact for months at a time, then we all get togther for the slew of birthdays that, for some ungodly reason, nearly all are at the beginning of the year. Except my brother's birthday.
Oh shit! My brother's birthday! That's in a few weeks! Ok, I'm overstating my level of caring for that. He didn't even get me a birthday present last year. Fuckin' dick. But me not being there means they'll head over to my house and think I've disappeared. They might sell my shit! Or my house! Or both!
The door opens, breaking me from this rather strange tangent. It's the secretary again and it looks like Celestia will see me now. Good, I don't really want to do this, but I'll make it quick. Like pulling off a plaster! The secretary, who incidentally is called 'Front desk', no I'm not kidding, shows me into the throne room. It's a massive room, with the huge golden throne sitting on a raised dias with a red carpet leading to it. The thing is gaudy as fuck, I note, I mean it has waterfalls for God's sake! Celestia gestures at me with hoof, in a 'royal wave' style, to come closer. She smiles warmly.
"Ambassador Shade, do come in. Front, you may leave us." The she bows and leaves, closing the door behind her. I grin at her.
"That was some quick thinking there, Celestia." I offer her a small, informal bow as I arrive at the foot of the dais.
"Yes, well you didn't give me much of a choice. In future, please refrain from doing that unless I also know about it." She giggles. Whoa, her voice is back to normal. Wierd.
"Ahh, so you thought it was funny? And there I was thinking you'd be mad."
"Did you see the look on old Vémundr's face?" She's started to giggle again, which by the way is a really nice sound. Melodical, almost.
"He looked like he was about to.." Not saying shit himself to a princess. "Lay an egg!" We both share a small laugh about a pissed off griffon for a few moments.
"So, that 'human greeting ritual', is that a real thing for your kind?" She asks, curious now.
"Hah! Nope. Completely made it up on the spot. Well, I used the history of the handshake and then just started adding bits on. Convincing though, wasn't it?"
"It was very. But why have you asked to see me today? Is my sister bugging you too much?" She's got this cheeky glint in her eye. Oh Celestia you...
"No." I'm reluctant to the extreme now, damn nerves. "It's about something that happened today. See me and Hoofy.." I start, but she interrupts.
"Hoofy?"
"It's what I call Hoofbeat."
"Hoofbeat. The Royal Guard unicorn instructor?" She sounds incredulous.
"Yeah."
"The very same Hoofbeat who screams all the time and is never seen with a smile on?"
"That'd be the one."
"And you call her Hoofy " I'm starting to get a bit nervous.
"Yep." And with that, she starts to titter, which then devolves into full blown laughter, regal style. I'm looking around like 'what the fuck is funny about that?' look and she bangs her forehoof on the ground. After a few moments, she recomposes herself.
"I honestly don't know you got away with that, but kudos on not being made to run a thousand laps around Canterlot." Oh Celestia, if you only knew the reason why I got away with it.
"Anyway, me and her were outside practicing magic in the statue garden when something there started talking to me in my head." Celestia frowns. "It offered me a deal: I release it, it sends me home." Her frown deepens as I pause.
"Since we're not currently drowning in chocolate rain, I take it you said no?" Her tone of voice hardens slightly, obviously understanding to whom I was referring.
"I did say no." Her expression softens. "But then it kinda... Took control of me." Now she's looking at me with some surprise. "And very nearly succeed in breaking itself out, only Hoofy managed to stop me by... Kicking me in the head."
"I would thought your amulet would have shielded you."
"It was off, we were practicing magic at the time. Sorry, if I'd known..." She descends her throne and puts a reassuring hoof on my bicep.
"It's alright, Shade, you didn't know and there was no harm done. Well, except for getting kicked in the head, I suppose." She smiles at me as she lowers her hoof and I return it. The smile, not the hoof.
"Thanks."
"How is your magical training going?"
"Err. Good. I think. Today I learned how to teleport, although I call it riftjumping because it sounds cooler. I managed to do 7 jumps before Hoofy stopped me!" As I'm telling her this, I can't help but notice her demeanor has changed. She's got this kind of glint in her eye, like she's really enjoying hearing this.
"And then?" She asks.
"Well, she stops me because my amateur jumps caused me some damage. She does some of her healing magic and then we went to get me some clothes." I grandly wave my arm over my new clothes. "From a seamstress called 'Golden Thread', the funny thing is she tried to give me this piece of clothing covered with gems ! It looked so...Gaudy."
"Gemwear is common in Equestrian society, Shade." She explains.
"Oh," I replied, "Well anyway, then me and Hoofy came here. Oh! I also met two of your ponies in your waiting room. Well three technically. Ooh! While I remember, the one called 'McCarthy' tried to write about me. But I'm really not comfortable with any written record, would it be alright if I'm not mentioned in those stories?"
"Why aren't you comfortable being written about?" She enquires.
"Basically, a wizard on Earth would be experimented on and then likely killed so they could perform an autopsy. And with me being a wizard..."
"Your world is horrible."
"Preaching to the choir, sister, preaching to the choir."
"If that is the case, I will have the references removed if it'll make you feel better. So did you learn anything else? Or have a subtle way of summing up your experiences into a heartfelt explaination of today?" She looks REALLY eager now. Is she getting off on this?
"Erm. Err." Well, I don't want to disappoint her! Furiously wracking my brains, I try and think of something. "Don't... Forget to wear protection around chaos gods?" Seriously brain? We're no longer friends.
She looks confused. "Yes, well I suppose that is a good lesson to learn." That glint has disappeared from her eye, which at this point I'm glad. That was starting to freak me out alittle. "Well, if that is all Shade, I have other duties to attend to."
"Of course, thanks for this little chat."
Offering her a little bow, I turn and make my way out of the throne room. But as I get halfway to the door, I'm struck with a strange feeling. Looking over my shoulder, I look back at Celestia, only she's staring at my back with the strangest of smiles. Almost fox-like. Instantly she notices I'm looking back and that look morphs into a motherly smile.
"Is there a problem, Shade?" I frown from over my shoulder and face her.
"Nothing bad, Celestia, just got a feeling." Her head tilts ever so slightly, which I take as permission to continue. "Like there is something going on, but I'm missing some piece of the puzzle." I explain, then shrug. "Actually, you know what, it's probably just me being tired."
"You should get some rest, you've had a long day, by the sounds of it."
"Yea, I should." Walking to the door, I put my hand on it and turn back to her. "By the way, I've been dreaming of your sister." Celestia's motherly smile grows larger and I chuckle nervously. "I think my subconscious is trying to tell me something."
So I left that throne room and made my way back to the guest room. I actually was kind of tired after all! I mean, I've nearly been raped, got hurt during a debilitating teleportation lesson, got a freezing cloud shower and then interrupted a diplomatic meeting because of some random pink pony! I think rest is entirely appropriate. I'm blessed by the fact that Luna isn't coming due to 'other duties' and has sent along some food, which I don't so much eat as basically gorge myself on. Luna, you've just earned yourself another gold star for this shellfish bonanza!
As I lay my head down to sleep, I pray to the silent but ever-watchful gods of 'whoever the fuck wants to listen, just help me!' that I can actually get some decent rest. And no dreams about moony!
Please?
Author's Note
And there it is. Took me forever to figure out if Celestia/Twilight/Pinkie were in character or not.
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Shade the Starcunning man
This made alot more sense in my head: The levitation and consumption chapter
No recap this time and, this time, I mean it! Except to say, argh, that I've just gone to bed after a day of strange and wonderfully wierd stuff.
The gods of 'Whoever the fuck' were obviously smiling upon me that night, because instead of another semi-nightmareish dream featuring the audio and visual talents of one particular Princess, I'm instead rewarded for today's wierdness with a lovely relaxing dream about lying on a beach. No real storyline for it either. Just chilling on your average beach with the warm sun gently caressing my face, on a cool lounger with a virgin Pina Colada in your hand. Yes, I like virgin Pina Coladas! Coconut and pineapple juice is amazingly refreshing! Ahh. A little taste of paradise in a glass.
Anyway, eventually, I arise from my slumber to a brand spanking new day. The sunlight gradually slinks into the room. The potential of this new day is limitless, so full of delicious possibilities! Perhaps today I could learn a new spell! Or, better yet, go on a fantastic adventure that makes me find out who I really am! Haha, nope, that only happens in bad movies. But still, lots of things I could do! Like exploring some unknown ruins, like in Skyrim! Actually, now I think about it, the idea is far more attractive than the reality. After all, you can't quicksave before finding out that the room you've just entered is covered in deadly traps. Oh boy, I'm in a good mood today.
Someone knocks on the door, hurrah! Whipping out of bed, I slap on yesterday's trousers and answer it. Disappointingly, it's the maid with breakfast. Ah well, adventure can wait until after I fill my stomach. Oh look, what appears to be two eggs on toast with a side of some sort of salmon-looking fish! How did they know I liked that? I haven't had it since I was young! Then, naturally, I remember what they did while I was in a coma. Fantastic. Breakfast, I hereby proclaim you: 'Mindrape-a-la-ouef'. Still, food is food and this food is good.
After scarfing down the most important meal of the day, I take a quick bath and do all the boring routines of waking up. You know, brushing teeth, changing clothes, debate throwing yourself off the balcony, the usual stuff. Throwing open that tank-like wardrobe, I find that at some point Golden Thread must have turned up. Within are 6 shirts, half are black and half are grey. Surprising, considering her hatred of plain styles. Along with six trousers in a similar theme. I'm surprised to find that she's even included several 'versions' of underwear with her creation. I say 'versions' because some of them are.... Well, they're little more than posing pouches for male strippers. I'd ask how she got my 'measurements', but I decide that embracing my ignorance works out better for my sanity.
There's even a jacket, although she did manage to sneak in some gems for the buttons. Seems to be some bizarre leather-like material, although for the life of me, I can't figure out what the hell it is. Whatever, it's to keep warm, not to run through bad weather with. Once I'm done considering my jacket and throwing what's left of those posing pouches I ignited with my 'Inner Spark!' from the balcony, I recline on the bed lazily. Hoofy is going to be turning up any time soon and I can always daydream or throw some magic around if I get bored.
"Come in." I yell from the bed. The door opens and Hoofy walks into the room. "Hey Hoofy."
"Hey Shade, ready for another day of training?"
"I'm sorry, Hoofy, but I have... Other duties." And then exaggeratedly yawned before relaxing further into the bed. "Oh. Yes. This is so very important and so obviously not an excuse to avoid something I don't want to do. Yes. Totally." Oh, I amuse myself sometimes. Hoofy's expression has taken on a faint blush of, what I assume, is embarassment. She looks away from where I am.
"Sorry." She mutters quietly.
"What was that?"
"I said sorry. For the running away." I chuckle and she looks up at me, annoyed. "What's so funny?"
"You are. Royal Guard unicorn instructor who can't stand dressmakers. It's pretty funny, if you ask me." Now she's glaring at me. "Oh come on Hoofy! I'm only playing." Still getting that glare. "Hey, I didn't give you a hard time the last time you were in my room and I was in bed." My brain kicks in again. "Well that was some terrible phrasing, eh?" Finally, she breaks her glare and giggles.
"Yes, it was. Are you going to get up now or do I need to push you out of bed myself?" I grab the other pillow from the side of the bed.
"Bring it on. My body is ready!" I throw the pillow at her, then quickly get onto my knees and scoop up the pillow I was relaxing on. She grabs hers with her magic.
"This is so immature." She says, rolling her eyes.
"Yeah, it is." I say sadly, looking down at the pillow in my hands. Which is somewhat unfortunate because I fail to see her pillow flying towards me until it smacks into the side of my head. "DISHONORABLE WENCH! YOU SHALL TASTE DEFEAT THIS DAY!" I cried, before lobbing both pillows back at her.
And thus, the greatest pillow fight of the century began. Alright, bards probably won't be writing epic ballads about it, but it was still damn fun! Christ, I'm a 27 year old amateur wizard and I'm having a pillow fight with a goddamn magical talking unicorn. Goodbye maturity, it was nice not knowing you!
She counters my double tap by throwing up a quick shield, which I think is cheating if you ask me, then kicks one back at me while levitating the other in a semi-combat stance like a sword. Catching the kicked one, I swing it around like a mace as she approaches. Oooh yea! She leaps onto the bed, which I forgot to mention is a king sized one, then she swings at me. With a deft and entirely unintentional block from me, I gain the upper hand and land a decent smack to her side. Which is unfortunate for me because she's still wearing guard armor. It's either a headshot or nothing!
Her reply to the side shot was a flurry of blows to my now exposed head. Shit, I forgot this is Hoof-'Riding Crop'-Beat. Her entire job is beating the crap out of recruits! Using my left arm as a shield, I throw another sidelong blow, which actually causes her to wobble! Quickly, I move away from her to get a moment's reprieve, but she's too quick to recover and lands another wack on me. Soon, the entire thing devolves into her giggling and me yelling phrases stolen from Duke Nukem while we wail on each other. Well, where else can I use the battlecry of 'I've got balls of steel'?
At some point later in the melee, she apparently realized that this was a stalemate and 'playfully' (See: Brutally) tackles me. Our combined mass falls off the side of the bed, me taking the brunt of the impact as we slam into the floor. I won't say it was painful, but it wasn't precisely my idea of a good time. Especially since she also follows me down and lands on my chest with a thump.
"Well, that was fun!" She says.
It's at that moment that we both seem to realise the rather intimate position we're in, she's straddling my entire torso with her own, with all the plumbing in the right parts. Jesus, what a fucking mental image that is. It doesn't help matters that, for some ungodly reason, I actually find her look somewhat attractive. I mean, not attractive but sultry. Ah fuck! Captain Kirk, take your spoken rap elsewhere! Fiend!
She's looking into my eyes and I find that I can't do anything but look into hers. The moment seems to drag on. If this was one of those terrible romance movies, this would be the part where the two people kiss and then tear each other's clothes off. I swear to God, Dr Dick, if you pop up right now I swear I'll cut you off!
"I know I'm comfortable, but I'd like to breathe at some point in the future." I eventually blurt out, breaking that moment into awkward little pieces. She complies with a nervous laugh.
"Yes. Well." Hoofy rubs the back of her head.
"So, how about some magic then?" I offer, picking myself up.
"Magic. Yes." She's blushing. Dr Dick I'm serious! Don't you fucking dare!
"So I noticed you were using some levitation there. That's a useful spell. Is it hard?" Oh fuck you brain. 'Is it hard.' Why don't you just rape me, you grey matter bastard.
"Energy wise, no. But it does require careful focus." Hoofbeat seems to effortlessly slip from awkward mare to instructor at my prompting. "Let's take a seat and I'll run you through the foal's guide to basic levitation." I interpret this as 'Relax on the bed and get ready to learn' and return the pillows to their place. It turns out that it is actually what she meant, which I realise as she joins me on there. She's sitting alittle too close for comfort, our bodies touching, but with her clinical tone it kinda defuses the tension.
"So, to start, first you must..."
And this is where I, again, skip the boring details. For your benefit you see, because while magic is a wonderful and great thing, actually hearing about the exotic methods of magical energy manipulation is boring. It's alittle like when I went to an art gallery and had to hear several people having a deep discussion about a picture of a tin of tomato soup. I mean: IT'S A PICTURE OF A TIN OF TOMATO SOUP! WHAT'S SO SPECIAL ABOUT THAT?!
Anyway, she finishes up on described the techno-magical details of levitation. In short? It's alittle like casting a shield spell, except it's alot more fluid than your standard solid shield. I'd describe it as akin to clingfilm. The pushing-field needs to wrap around the object, to delicately hold it aloft. And to me, being the guy that I am, it sounds like a hell of a lot of concentration for an effect I can already generate by simply picking shit up with my hands!
Hoof, after I explain said sentiment, is less than impressed. And by that I mean she throws her pillow at my head. After a moment of chuckling with the mare, I deem it the time to actually try it. A swift flick to my man-jewelry and one collect-call to the local field, I try and lift the pillow that Hoofy had thrown at me.
Four hours later. Yes, four hours of trying to levitate a fucking pillow. Lord knows, it wasn't like I didn't put some effort into it! Every attempt I tried basically ended up with the pillow being punted across the room at random speeds. Although I do manage to refine my control of punt to the point I can push it away delicately, small positive. The worst part of those four hours was the lack of progress in complete telekinesis. Sure, Hoofy got a bit of a giggle when I strained to lift that damn thing. But she'd spent a very long time coaching me and when she looked away, I couldn't help but feel a bit pathetic. It's that moment that I decide to cheat.
While she isn't looking, I summon up a rift. My logic was decent, if I can't lift it, I can still teleport it over to the bed. Sure, it's not what she wanted, but fuck the means, it's the results that matter! As far as I know, it's not like a teleported object even needs focus to get through such a short 'port through T-space. With an entirely unneeded wrist-snap, I gestured at that pillow and brought the rift to it.
My reward for cheating the lesson and using T-space was a cloud of feathers popping out of the ending of the rift and raining on the both of us. As they gently settled onto our collective shoulders, Hoofy looks over at me. She's frowning. Fan-fucking-tastic work, Mr Starcunning, have a gold star.
"So." I say.
"So." She replies.
"You're telling me that kids can do that?" I hope she just doesn't realise I'm trying to divert her attention from my idiocy.
"Goats?"
"Err. Little ponies I mean, you know, foals. Can do that?"
"It's one of the first things they learn." She explains. "And they all can do it."
"Shit. Can they teleport too?" She shakes her head. "Well, atleast I've got something over the little buggers." She giggles at that.
"Anyway, I think it's about lunch time." She says and my stomach agrees. "Let's go get some chow."
After shaking off the feathers, I throw my jacket on so I don't freeze in the corridors and we head out. Apparently we're headed to the Canterlot kitchens that serve the entire castle and the guard. I'm picturing a massive industrial kitchen, with an angry looking pony swearing up a storm as everyone else cowers from his screaming commands. That'd be great!
As we walk there, I spy a stallion having a heated, but friendly, conversation with another unicorn from afar. By the way he's talking, and the silly looking collar piece of a tuxedo that he's wearing, he's obviously some form of royalty or atleast thinks he is. The topic seems to be about 'The style and quality of manedressers in Canterlot', which doesn't really help my almost immediate conclusion that he's a wanker and a serious fop. As he makes some quip, his eyes lock onto my own and he gasps. Why yes, mr Fop, I am some high quality meat! His gaze passes from me to Hoofy and he seems to visibly relax. As from before, having a member of the guard with you does seem to make everyone chill the fuck out in the presence of moi. The other unicorn has a similar reaction, but instead of actually playing it straight, he runs the hell away as fast as his little hooves can and makes Mr Fop look embarrassed. As we get closer, he speaks up.
"Well hello." His voice is refined, but slightly nervous. Not that I blame the poor bugger, it's not everyday you meet an alien. Being a polite individual, I gotta return his greeting.
"Hello."
"My name is Prince Blueblood." Oh sweet baby Jesus, what's with all these members of royalty? I swear if I me... Why is he eyeing my crotch? Oh fuck no.
"I'm Shade and I'm up here." His eyes ascend to meet my own. "And this is Hoofbeat."
"We've met." They both reply at the same time.
"Well, we're off to the kitchens. Nice meeting you." I give him a half-hearted wave before slipping past the foppish stallion. The gods do not smile on me, since he starts to follow us.
"One is curious as to what you are." Well, that's some obnoxious phrasing.
"I'm Starcunning. Also, a human." I reply with a 'Fuck off, I'm not interested' tone that he doesn't pick up on.
"A human. One hasn't heard of such a... interesting species before." Even with my back to him, I can practically feel him eyeing me up like I'm meat and he's hungry. Hoofy looks like she's about to explode with laughter. The bitch. "Are you a male or a female of your race?"
I stop walking, then turn pointedly and just stare at him for a moment. He seems to realize his mistake with a short but nervous sounding chuckle. With a quick 'sorrygottago!' he turns and walks away. Only instead of walking like an ordinary stallion, he trots in that godawful dressage style while sashaying his hips. The only part of my visual cortex that is winning is the bit that is now trying to work it's way out of my nose. Once he rounds a corner, Hoof roars with laughter at my situation. I turn my baleful glare to her after a moment and she eventually manages to reign in the giggling.
"Oh my! That was just... I think I wet myself." Stand down, Starcunning, burning her to a crisp won't make it better. Oh, but it would feel good! NO! BAD SHADE! NO COOKIE!
"Well. What the fuck was that?" I finally say once Hoofbeat has managed to chill out.
"He's a libertine." She explains, well, I say 'explains' but that really doesn't explain shit to me.
"A what?"
"Libertine. One of those ponies who does whatever they think is pleasurable, regardless of how that'll make everypony else view them. Most of the time it just means they eat cake or play games, but in his case, it's bedding everything in sight. He's also the reason the other non-pony races don't send female ambassadors anymore." Ugh, now that's an image I'd like to delete. We start walking again.
"If he likes the company of girls, why the hell did he just eye me up like I'm the newest attraction in Canterlot?" She raises her eyebrow at this.
"Well, after his 'royal trip' to Las Pegasus that lasted one hundred and twenty days, his particular tastes extended beyond females. Trust me when I say you don't want to know the details of that little horror." OH FUCK YOU BRAIN! SO MANY MENTAL IMAGES THAT SHOULD NEVER EXIST!
"Hoofy?"
"Yes?"
"I'd like to go throw myself off a very high balcony, so I'll be shut of those horrible imaginations you've just implanted in my head. Can you direct me to one?" She laughs. I don't join in with her.
"Come on Shade! It's just sex."
"I'm English, I'm repulsed by the very notion of talking about that sort of thing." Her response is to rub my side with her body while wearing a semi-seductive expression. "Oh fuck you, Hoof."
"Mmm." Moaning gently. "Maybe later." She says with a chuckle, before removing herself from my side. It's only dumb bloody luck that the kitchen door is ahead of us, because right now all I can think about is how erotic that moan... NO. NOT THINKING ABOUT THAT. PURGE HERETICAL THOUGHTS!
The kitchens, or atleast what they called 'the kitchen', was actually a massive banqueting hall. Almost immediately, it reminded me of the dining hall from my old boarding school. Huge tables with long benches, three across and ten down. Easily enough space to accommodate 300 people (Or ponies). The walls were painted Canterlot white, which to me is basically the starkest white possible. Banners adorned the walls, split equally between Celestia's sun and Luna's moon. The surprising thing about that room was the absolute lack of any ponies in it. A lunch room with no diners, it was wierd!
As we walked along one of the aisles, I happen to spot a griffon wearing armor. Oh by Slaanesh's 40 foot dongs, it's Vémundr again. He's currently having what appears to be a polite conversation with another griffon who's head is currently hanging out of a door on the north wall. He's wearing a chef's hat and is chuckling. The two conversing pair don't notice our approach, so we unintentionally sneak up to them and I catch a slice of their conversation.
"You didn't." The chef says surprised and humored.
"She's actually letting you serve cow now!" Vémundr whispers. "Do you think you could get the homeland to send some over?"
"You mean aside from my secret personal supply? How much do you want?"
"Tell them to send three hundred steaks." The other griffon coughs explosively.
"But there's no way you could eat that many before they turn bad. It'd be a waste!"
"True, but imagine the expression on their face when they have to take delivery! It'll be worth it just for that." Vémundr chuckles. "Silly vegetarian ponies."
"Namby pamby ponies." The chef agrees.
I look over at Hoofbeat, who looks decidedly annoyed at the two griffons mocking the shit out of her species. Normally, yes, I'd do the gentlemanly thing of defending my newest friends honor by interrupting them and making them apologise. Only, in this instance, my normal reaction is overridden by the words 'Cow' and 'Steak'. Because red meat! Reeeed meaaaat! Caveman Shade needs his meeeeeaaaat!
"Did someone say, 'Steak'?" I say slightly too loudly, scaring the ever-loving shit out of both the griffons and earning me a look from the mare at my side.
"Ambassador Shade!" Vémundr's voice changes from what was an immature tone to a far more refined one. "My friend Eskel and I were talking about his latest winning streak at the Canterlot sports center..." He gestures ineffectually with a claw and I just look at him like he's an idiot.
"No you weren't. You were talking about steak, as in 'made from cow' steak." His eyes look everywhere that isn't at me and Hoofy as he obviously tries to find a way out of his little mistake.
"Well, erm. Yes. We're omnivores after all, we do eat meat." He says, apparently surrendering to the truth. It's kinda funny really, here he is talking to a massive carnivore and he's getting all flustered. Score one for being undiplomatic, Mr Vém! I offer him a small smile and he's surprised by my reaction.
"I guess I could keep your secret, Chef Eskel." The cook Griffon looks at me somewhat surprised, but that's probably the alien thing again. "If I might steal a small bit of your supply..." His eyes light up like Vegas at Christmas.
It's probably less than five minutes later that I'm sat down at one of the tables, the chef-hat wearing winged hybrid is grinning like a goddamn madman/bird. Vémundr's own expression is eerily similar. Apparently to the griffons, the idea of consuming flesh is both a curse (Because nobody else in the world actually eats meat) and a point of pride (Since they're the only ones who do it). Eskel disappears in a flash of brown feathers, but quickly reappears with a silver platter. If it wasn't for Hoofbeat's disgusted expression, I'd swear I was in heaven.
Inhaling delicately, I can smell though long-chain molecules that most normal people would call a scent. But that seems like such a trivial way to describe that divine smell! As he places the plate infront of me, I'm becoming more and more excited for my impending lunch meal. With gusto, he pulls the covering away to reveal the most perfect looking steak I've ever seen! The marbling, the ratio of fat-to-meat, even the coloring was flawless. I swear, Gordon Ramsay could sacrifice his soul to every chaos God in the 40k mythos and still not produce such perfection!
Grabbing my knife and fork, which incidentally I have no idea why they'd have such things, but that doesn't matter. I have a steak! I cut a tiny slice of the deliciousness and place it on my tongue. By Riker's beard, this is AMAZING! I swear, I'll start weeping if this gets any better! As I start carving up the meat, I can't help but notice that both griffons are nodding sagely while Hoofy looks on with semi-horror. As I cram another piece of it into my gaping maw, she decides to speak up.
"Enjoying your murder, Shade?" Her voice is icy cold.
"Wut?" Well fuck her, I'm a carnivore for god's sake, I can take a little abuse for this non-Hindu-friendly meal!
"Cows are sentient." What?
"Wut?"
"They can talk. And think. And reason. Just like ponies." And with that, I spit out the mouthful of amazing and stare at her.
"They're just like ponies?" She nods. "I've just been eating a sentient creature?" She nods again as I look over at the two, now confused, griffons. "You eat sentient creatures?"
"Well, we wait until they die of natural causes first, it's quite a delicacy in the griffon kingdoms..." Chef beings to say, before I cut him off.
"HOOF!" She recoils at my yell. "Nearest bathroom." She gestures with a hoof at the door with a mare and stallion sign on the door.
I'm not ashamed to say that I threw up every single piece of that horrifying meal. I mean really, who the fuck eats something that can reason like a goddamn pony?! Ok, so it was super tasty but eeesh! Well, I guess you can't really judge a society for it's... Haha, yes you fucking can judge a society that'll eat a goddamn sentient creature! Even if they do just eat the dead! Fucking vultures!
After I finish expunging my stomach contents, I splash some water down my acid-etched throat and look at myself in the mirror. Mr Shade, sentient creature eater, looks back at me. Ugh. Gunna be a long while before I forget this particular misadventure in the culinary art, assuming Hoofy will even look at me again. Oh lord, I'm starting to care what she thinks of me. Fucking ponies.
As I return to the room, I see ambassador brain-eater has buggered off and the chef has decided to return to his abattoir. Only the mare remains on the bench, looking decidedly appalled at my eating habits and, frankly, I can't blame her. As much as I'd like to play it off as if nothing has happened, I can't help but feel like I've just violated some unspoken rule between the two of us. Taking a seat near, but not next to her, I sigh.
"You know what Hoofy? I'm suddenly not hungry anymore." I weakly say, my voice box still not at 100%.
"You didn't know about cows?" Her reply is meek, unexpectedly restrained for her.
"No, I didn't. "I would never let the fluids of anything sapient run down MY throat." At which point, my brain decides to inform me that my statement could be taken in more than one way. With that thought, I slap myself in the face in the most epic facepalm in the history of the series of tubes. "I swear, it's like my brain has a bloody vendetta against me."
As Hoofy forgets her previous judgement in favour of laughing her olive green flank off at my inappropriate Freudian slip, I'm quietly thankful for my funny slip up if it means I get to avoid the awkwardness of being a bipedal-carrion carnivore to a veggy pony. As her giggle-fit eventually subsides, she eventually looks at me with a stern look that doesn't fill me with good-feelings. I'm reminded somewhat of when we first met and she beat the ever-loving crap outta me.
"You've been a bad boot." I want my mother. "Hoofbeat doesn't like bad boots, you need to be punished."
"Stop it Hoofy, you're not funny." She just smiles at me as she whispers in the most sultry voice I've ever heard.
"Run "
Author's Note
I'd say I was drunk, but since that's abit redunant for me, I'll blame it on 'Defiance' the show/mmorpg and Kerbal Space Program.
Shade the Starcunning man
I live a charmed life.
So, in recap, cows are sentient and I suck at telekinesis. Then I tried some bovine products and ended up chucking them into a basin. Seriously, how can anyone eat a talking animal? Yes, I know it's an unpopular view, but really? Even when I read that 'Hitchhiker's guide the to the galaxy' novel where they dined in the Restaurant at the end of the universe. You know, the one with the talking cow who intentionally slaughtered itself. It made me feel uncomfortable about consuming anything that could voice dissent about the process.
Let's get this straight: When an alien being who looks like a pony, who has just watched you trying to consume a sentient creature decides you should run. What would you do as a magician? Shoot fire at it? Shield? Riftjump away? Well, what do you think I did? Bravely, I stood there for a moment before bravely running the fuck away like the goddamn coward that I am. Shade the Running man powers activate!
Leaping from the chair and putting on a burst of speed, I leave the dining hall at a speed that would be considered dangerously reckless by anyone nearby. With a quick turn to the right, I'm belting it down the corridor as the sound of hooves hitting marble grows louder behind me. I don't know why Hoofy is doing this, but the combination of that look and her using the word 'Punish' does not bode well for my meatbag body! Especially considering her love of riding crops!
Slightly larger room up ahead, with a door being guarded by two guardsponies. As I belt past them, I notice one of them smirking at my situation. Little white bastard would be receiving a punt to the face, but is saved by the fact that I'm currently concentrating on not becoming a bruised mess.
It seems like I've been running in this 'race to save myself from pain' for ages, but it has to have only been atleast five minutes since we left the kitchen. But that said, the interior passageways of Canterlot castle are practically identical, after you've seen a couple hundred meters of the place you've seen it all. Haven't any idea what particular part I happen to be pegging it through, but that's irrelevant right now!
"Shaaaaddeee!" Hoofy draws out my name with a creepy tone, there is a crack of a crop. I dare to glance back at her for a fraction of a moment.
There she is, all 50 kilograms of golden armor clad olive green mare with a smile on her face. She's levitating a large crop with her magic. Now, that's pretty horrifying, right? Well, not as horrifying as the text written up the crop which read: 'The big one'. Fuck that. Fuck this. Shade, it's time to open up your bag of tricks and get the hell away!
With a swift check of the local field and a swish and flick to the amulet, I break one of the first guidelines of magic by trying to cast while semi-distracted. Not that I really care about that right now! Pulling down on the energies around me, I summon up an entrance to T-space and start to concentrate on where I'm going to exit. The plan is to do acouple rough jumps until she can't see me, then dive into a side room and wait her out. I know, my design is crude but what you do expect of me right now?!
Taking a final glance backward to see how close she is, which reveals she's barely ten feet away. Hah! My escape is practically assured! It's enough that I even feel that I can throw in a little snide comment to the multiple-personally mare at my rear!
"Laters Hoof!"
I'm starting to learn that boasting is never a good idea in this crazy world when I turn back to see a pair of frightened eyes staring back at me. In being cocky, I'd failed to notice a maidmare coming out of one of the side rooms until I was practically ontop of her. She screams as I glance off her backside, the impact causes me to almost literally bounce off the left hand wall, knocking my concentration way out of alignment along with my breath, before I fall forward.... Directly into my rift with no set destination.
As quickly as humanly possible, I focus on holding back T-space so it doesn't crush me to a pulp. It's only fortunate that I've had some practice with this, otherwise I'm sure I'd be exiting as shredded Shade. The only dangers I face now are my steadily decreasing energy levels and the fact that I could exit T-space at random and end up embedded into the walls of the castle. I'm sure it would make for quite an Avant-garde statue, but I'd prefer to be alive than appreciated in the artistic sense! Offering up a quiet, generic, prayer to whatever gods care to hear it, I tear open that alter-reality and leave.
Now, there are two interesting things that I notice as I depart that place. One: Rifting conserves momentum. In essence, speedy thing goes in, speedy thing comes out. And two: Blind rifting apparently means your exit vector is random. It means that you can enter running on your two feet and end up leaving head first. It's the reason why when I left T-space, I shot out at speed at 315 degrees from normal and sped directly into the side of something, causing me to fly headfirst into a four foot deep pool of bubbly hot water. My hips slammed into the side rather painfully a fraction of a second later, forcing my legs to wheel over my head and splash down afterward.
As you can imagine, it took a moment for my brain to fully process what had just happened. I was currently submerged in a tub of heavily perfumed water, jets of warmth coming from the sides and the floor. Hauling head out of the waters of the, now identified hot tub, I gasped for breath. In the process of getting said oxygen, I accidentally suck down a good mouthful of that horribly-scented lilac water, which is an experience you'll never want to have yourself. Rubbing my burning eyes, I hear something gasp quietly in the dark.
Shit, I just crashed someone's bathtime! Or, actually, probably relaxation time, given that they're in a hot tub! Regardless, I'm sure they're not going to appreciate a random-ass alien crashing the party!
"Erm." I offer them while still trying to rub the evil from my eyes. "Sorry about this intrusion. Slight miscalibration on my teleport attempt." Having finally rid my peepers from the soap, I add: "You have my most sincere apologies."
"Well." A voice replies. "You certainly know how to be discreet , Mr Shade."
My vision is far too blurry to make anything out immediately, but a blink reveals some of the scene. This is a large tub, probably twice my size, filled almost to the brim with pink soapy bubbles. The rim of it is inlaid with fine golden filigree, depicting several scenes of what is presumably Equestrian history. I can feel several jets of heated, bubbly water from below. Blinking several more times reveals the large bathroom the tub occupies, it has a large mirror and what must be hundreds of grooming products of various sizes, shapes and colors.
But the thing that draws my attention most is the pony in the tub with me. Currently levitating a half-filled large champagne flute in a white aura, the unicorn's blue eyes lock upon my own. A small smile fixed upon it's lips as it gently flicks it's, slightly wet, blonde mane over it's shoulder. Those eyes go half-lidded as they slowly break from my own and, presumably, take in what part of me is upon water. It doesn't help that I notice that my jacket and shirt are currently plastered over my torso, which wouldn't leave much to the imagination.
"I have to say." The pony says as it's eyes return to my own. "That your particular entrance has been one of the most unique ways of entreating me. And now, you have my full attention ." Whispering the last part suggestively, he slowly blinks his eyes.
The phrase: 'Deer in the headlights' is an apt description of my reaction. Not fear, no horror or shock, just freezing on the spot like the dumbass that I am. But that said, how often does anyone accidentally riftjump into a situation like this? I'm pretty sure there is no evolved response to this sort of thing. Atleast, not until the rest of humanity develops magic. Taking my silence as a cue to continue, he gently places his glass down and takes two steps forward which knocks me from my brainlock.
"Actually, it really was just an accident, Prince Blueblood." He takes another step forward, which leaves him far too close to me. "And, no offense, but I'm not into stallions." I offer weakly, but in response his smile grows larger.
"Well..." I tense as I feel a hoof gently touch my knee under the water. "How about you be the stallion." The hoof inches very slightly up my leg. "And I'll be the mare. "
I've spent time on the internet, including that wretched hive of scum and villainy, I've seen some seriously disturbing shit there, enough to have grown somewhat immune to shock sites and the like. But this. This happening right here. It's so far off the scale that in the far future, when humanity takes it's place among the stars and pushes out to the furthest reaches of our expanding universe, they will find right at the end of it a little sign with this moment written on it.
"And if you like." He whispers as his limb starts to trail further upward, "I've got some lovely frilly socks that I just look so sexy.."
I don't let him finish as I shift back just enough to break contact with him before explosively riftjumping the fuck out of there. With just enough focus, I hope I'm aimed towards my previous jump location and leave T-space. The Gods must be pleased, because I exit just a few feet from where I left along with a good amount of bubbly water. Said water immediately loses it's form and splashes to the floor, drenching the none-to-impressed Hoofbeat. As her eyes lock onto my 'thousand yard stare', her expression quickly morphs into concern and she tries to speak, only I cut her off.
"Hoof, If you touch me with that crop, I will break the first rule of being a gentleman and smack you so hard, you'll be feeling it all week."
"Shade, what happened to you?" She replied as she quickly tucked the crop back into her armor, not looking afraid of my threat.
"I need a fucking drink. Something strong. Something that will obliterate what just happened from my memory, my body and my soul." She cocks her head to one side.
"What happened?"
"Liver destroying - brain deadening - 'Waking up with no memory of the night before wearing nothing but a bra and pink underwear' - drink first." She pauses for a moment, before gesturing with a moist hoof and we set off down a corridor.
"Shade, are you alright?"
"Perhaps Hoofbeat, you'd like to tell me why you were threatening to hit me with that fucking crop? Huh?" She flinches slightly at my angry tone as I ignore the question.
"I had to get you to run somehow , Shade." She offers with a nervous chuckle. "It worked, didn't it?"
Halting suddenly, I turned to face the mare with an angry glare all over my face. But Hoof's made of stern stuff, so she doesn't recoil at my furious expression. A tense moment passes between us as either one of us waits for the other to do something. I find my anger simmering down very quickly, I mean, she does have a point about making me run. It's actually pretty funny if you think that this mare has somehow gotten such a quick read on how to motivate my lazy ass.
Sighing, I break the glare, close my eyes and rub my forehead. It's not Hoof's fault that I just rifted into one of the most awkward situation's I've ever experienced in my entire life, although technically she is partly to blame for the setup to that event. Ugh. I wasn't kidding before, I need a fucking drink to wash away that... Whatever the fuck that was. As I look up back at Hoofbeat, she frowns at me with a twinge of worry on her face.
"Were you actually going to hit me with that crop?" I finally ask.
"No. I said I wouldn't and I meant it." She replies sternly.
"Never do that again, Hoof. It wasn't funny at all."
"Sorry." She offers me sheepishly and I feel bad for dumping on her.
"Well, you can say sorry by buying me a drink." I gesture for her to lead the way and we set off again.
"So why do you suddenly need a drink, I know I'm scary.." She smiles a small smile and gently rubs the side of my legs with her body affectionately. "But I'm not that scary." I sigh again.
"I'll tell you after I've had a stiff one."
After walking in silence for a few minutes, we leave the castle proper and enter the lovely city of Canterlot. Again, I'm met with curious but unafraid stares as they acknowledge the guardmare at my side. I have to admit, I'm certainly not hating all this nice attention they're giving me. Although they never actually bother coming up and talking, but considering my mood that's probably for the best.
Soon, we're approaching a very obvious looking bar. The sign outside bares the symbol of a mug of ale atop a strange structure that I can't immediately identify. As we get closer, I can see the faint outline of worn text below it. Oh dear. This is the 'Sticky Stable'!
"Err. We might not want to go in there." I mutter to the mare at my side. "I had an... Incident here a few nights ago." Hoof looks at me curiously.
"What kind of incident?"
"I sang a song, had a drinking contest and then apparently had a brawl." She frowns.
"'Apparently'?"
"I don't know, I was completely dogbuggered. I woke up in the bath." She chuckles at that image.
"Did you pay Smooth Draught for the damages?" Huh, must be the name of the barman. I nod in the affirmative to her question. "Then as long as you pay the pony, he won't care. One griffon once got in a tussle and destroyed all the barstools. But once she'd paid up for them, he actually thanked her for doing it. Said they'd needed replacing for the longest time! So you'll be fine."
"She wouldn't happen to have been called Helga, would she?" She shakes her head dismissively as she opens the bardoor.
"Called Hervor I think." And that's when I get a good sober look at the double SS.
It's a roughly 50 meter long room, with a, currently unoccupied, stage to the left with many tables and boxes set up so the bar-goers can see a performance. The bar itself starts almost immediately next to the door and extends the length of the room. It's your standard bar deals really, counter at the front with space for the barman to move followed by the usual bottles of mysterious fluids on the wall. Beer taps cluster together at discrete intervals with unknowable names written on them. Then the smell hits my nose.
The hoppy scent of cheap beer, the sharp tang of alcoholic spirits, the faintest aroma of a sweat and tobacco smoke. It almost immediately took me back to my days as a student, before they banned smoking in pubs and clubs. Hanging around with afew of my single-serving friends, chugging down cider and laughing at jokes that the soberest of souls wouldn't even think was very funny. Without the smoking, it just doesn't smell right. As I took a step forward towards the bar, I notice that the place lives up to it's name. The floor is sticky.
I love this place already.
"So, you've come back to destroy more of my bar stools, have ya?" I didn't even notice him walk up, but I'm not that surprised, barmen tend to be quiet.
"Erm. I wasn't really thinking of doing that, no. Just a quiet drink." The brown unicorn stallion laughs at this.
"Pity, I was going to ask if you wanted to destroy the stage next." He looks over at Hoofy with his dark green eyes.
"Early for you." I look over at the mare, only to find her armorless. "Usual, Hoofbeat?"
"Make it two." She says as she mounts a stool. "I'm buying him a drink." The stallion raises one of his black eyebrows and smirks.
"Well well, Hoofbeat buying drinks for a stal.... male. Have I been transported to an alternative Equestria then?" Hoofy just gives him a look.
"I haven't seen you with any mares lately either, lost the angle on your dangle?" Are they fighting or flirting? The stallion laughs for a few seconds, clearly enjoying himself.
"I don't know, why don't we go upstairs and check?" He winks. Ugh, this day is getting worse!
"Nah, I haven't brought my microscope with me." Draught overacts being hurt.
"Hoofbeat, you wound me so!" He laughs, then stops when I cough. "Ah, you never cease to amuse. I'll go get your drinks." As he turns to walk away, I take a stool and look at her.
"I'd ask if you were a regular here, but I think that's pretty much a redundant question given what I've just heard." I say to her and she smiles.
"Draught and me always have these little funny games, he's a good barpony like that. Makes you feel welcome." She says as two glowing wooden tankards of some dark, foamy, boozy fluid slid over, stopping perfectly in front of us. Hoof takes hers as I take mine.
"Cheers." I say as we knock them together and I take a sip.
It has the faintest taste of a farm, like hay and grass. Kinda bready in a way too. I say faintly because everything else was overridden by huge amount of alcohol in this drink. Alright, so it's not like drinking straight spirits, but it's still enough that about 5 of these and I'd be blacking out. Not like that Special Reserve wine either, I mean the regular blacking out after excessive drinking. Coughing gently, I rested the tankard on the bar.
"Sweet Picard, that's a strong drink." And the mare chuckles.
"'Sweet Picard'?" She uses verbal air quotes. Shit. This is going to be an awkward conversation.
"He's a fictional character from a show about meeting other species, having a disagreement of some kind before finally realizing that: 'We're all good inside' and resolving the situation. It's pretty preachy, but it's still good entertainment."
"I didn't know you liked the theater, Shade."
"Naw, it's a TV series. I watch it online."
As the words left my lips, I came to an annoying realization that she would have no idea what I was on about and would likely ask me to explain. And I seriously cannot be fucked to try and find a way to describe the network of computers, TV's and all of the Earth-tech. I'm not in the mood to have a long and boring conversation about stuff that is so far advanced in comparison to the technologies I've seen on this world. Hell, the most advanced piece of tech I've seen is the goddamn electric light! How do you explain away a hundred years of science to magic users.... Wait. That's it!
"What's TV and Online mean?" She asks.
"A TV is a box that uses the magic of 'Science' to make visual images and sounds appear on one side, like the theater, but that can be enjoyed whenever the user wants." Hoof interrupts.
"Like a movie projector?" Oh they have projectors?
"Yeah, but instead of a screen, they come on a box."
"And online?"
"With the magic of 'Science', humanity has made a network of boxes that let you..." Oh fuck, how do I describe this simply? "Send letters, sounds, images or even your voice to someone on the otherside of the world. We call it the 'Internet'." Hoof rubs her chin with her hoof.
"The magic of 'Science' sounds alot like our magic." She says after considering my words for a moment.
"Well, any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic." I replied, quoting the Clarke. Hoof just laughs. Apparently, she's not going to bother to inquire about the 'magic of science', but I take that as kinda her thing to not question stuff. If it works, it works! I smile as the barpony returns to our side of the bar and begins to absentmindedly polish a wine glass he's levitated from behind the bar.
"So about what happened earlier." Hoof says. Oh lord, here we go. Well, I guess it does make for a good story!
"Well," I begin, taking a slug of my drink. "I was going to rift away from you, but..."
So I tell her, I tell her how I ended up in the bathtub of a horny stallion who probably had some rather obscene plans for my meat and two veg. I know what you are thinking though. 'Shade, you're English! You hate taking about sex and the like!' Well, I don't mind this referencing bit, it's just when people get all technical that I get all awkward. Besides, it wasn't like I was actually doing anything other than receiving.... Ugh. Fuck you brain! Anyway, after I finish telling them, Hoofy starts laughing so hard she falls off her stool and that bastard Draught starts crying from all the humor.
"Yea, I lead a charmed life." I say with tiny shrug.
"Oh buddy!" The stallion says, "you're the unluckiest pon.. Dude I've ever met! Wait here, I've got just the thing for this." He ducks under the bar as Hoofy returns to her seat.
"Shade, seriously, you are unlucky." She grins.
"Yea, that's only the second time a pony has tried to get their leg over me..." I deadpan and her grin immediately disappears. It takes me a minute to realise that she doesn't find that funny at all.
"I was just lost in the heat.." She practically whispers. Shit, damage control my good man!
"Pfft. I know that's your excuse, but really, when you're as hot as I am, you're used to people wanting to get under..." I pause and flick my head like those supermodels do. "The Shade."
Honestly, I swear I heard someone yelling 'YEEEAAHHH!' somewhere in the background. But Hoofy is giving me a look that speaks volumes. Volumes of 'Did you seriously just talk about yourself in the third person you complete nutter?' Then, seconds later, breaks it by giving a quiet chuckle. It's at this point that Draught finally decides he's found whatever the hell he was looking for and levitates over a neon blue bottle of fluid and a shot glass. With his magic, he pours a shot of that glowing drink and shoves it infront of me.
"Here you go, Mr Shade, this'll make everything better."
Quietly, I'm debating whether or not I should be getting dogbuggered just after lunchtime. Infact, drinking on an empty stomach actually isn't the smartest of ideas, even for a relatively capable drinker such as myself. Not to mention that Luna will probably want to eat dinner togeth.... Cut that shit out brain! Even if Sub-Conscious is for this, I refuse! Maybe not as vigorously as before, but still! Hmm. Well, fortune favours the bold and the bold are usually men with Dutch courage running through their veins.
Slamming that shot down, I note that there doesn't appear to be any burning. It's kinda cold and tastes faintly of ozone, but no bitterness. As soon as the fluid passes into my stomach, I feel a weird sort of coolness that flows from that organ and out through my entire body. It's like a breeze that gently washes away nearly all of my concerns and fears. Christ on a cracker, this drink is amazing!
"Like it?" Draught says.
"Christ, what was that? It's incredible."
"The Sticky Stable Special. Secret family formula with alittle magic mixed in. Gets you happy without losing your inhibitions." Fuck me, that's cool. "Only lasts as long as a single shot and you can't have more than one, but it sells like crazy on the weekend."
"What happens if you have more than one?"
"Instant blackout followed by a mountain sized hangover the next day that magic can't cure, I'm the voice of experience on that one. Anyway, I need to get setup for tonight, you guys give me a call if you need anything else.
Anyway, me and Hoofbeat start shooting the breeze. I'll save you the boring back and forth that one goes through when getting to know another person and give you the short and sweet version about her. She's from a single foal family, who are now dead. I offered her my apologies for that, naturally. Went to school in a place called: 'Celestia's school for gifted unicorns.' Which, as the name suggests, is one of those real elite places. Did very well there, not the top but close to it. Then she pretty much went straight into the Royal guard and started working her way up the line. She's also, apparently, an 'older mare', although when she details what that means I get to feel old myself. With a quick (See: I haven't done math in a decade quick) mental calculation, I work out that comparatively she's just shy of a year older than me in terms of lifespan. Not that I tell her that, of course.
When she tells me about her likes.... Jesus, this is starting to sound like an E-dating profile. She says that she enjoys collecting (Who'd have guessed?) riding crops from around the world, a nice garden and, unamazingly, the study of magic. It's only when she starts talking about 'Cutie marks' that I interrupt her, because what the fuck is that? When she displays her flank and that strange symbol on it do I speak up.
"Excuse me, but what the fuck is your tattoo got to do with anything?"
The response is a ten minute long lecture on the 'Tattoo' that represents her 'special talent'. Seriously, if I hadn't been burned and maimed in this world, I'd have thought I'd slipped into a kids show or something. Apparently the marks represent what they're good at, which they discover... You know what, I can't be fucked to repeat it. I almost immediately shoved it into the overflowing 'It's fucking magic asshole, just deal with it.' excuse box and let it sit there. Hoof got hers when she 'saved' a younger foal from some creature by using a riding crop and her magic or something. The entire story felt kinda strained in the reasoning, if you ask me, but whatever it's her crazy world.
This conversation has gone on for quite awhile, I eventually notice as quite afew more ponies enter the bar, each giving a world-weary sigh before taking a stool. I've already had two drinks and I'm feeling a pretty good buzz. There's a lull as she orders yet another drink for the two of us and I check out that cutie mark again. I mean seriously, sparkly riding crops? Actually, where's her armor too? As the barpony lands acouple cool ones on the bar, I speak.
"Hoofy, how did you get your armor off so quickly? You teleport it?"
"No, that'd be a waste of time. I'm still wearing it." She says nonchalantly. "Illusionary spell."
"Cool, but what if someone touches you or something? Won't they feel it?"
"Nope, go ahead and touch me." I do, ignoring that little voice that makes dirty comments, and only feel fur. Whoa!
"That's really cool. How the hell does it work?"
"Well..."
Trust me when I say it isn't worth me repeating the explanation of illusionary magic. I'll skip the boring bit and sum it up. Essentially, illusionary magic is alittle like the 'Someone else's problem field' from 'Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy'. Wait, you've read that, right? No? Fucking kids these days... Anyway, a SEPF convinces the viewer of an item that whatever they are looking at is, unsurprisingly, 'Someone else's problem' so they ignore it. Illusionary spells are similar, they convince the viewer that it looks like whatever the caster wants them to see. It's an amazing spell, but has some major downsides. One, it needs to be bound to physical material, so no casting fake ghost or anything. Two, if you cast it on yourself, you're also effected by the spell. Hoof is really adamant about that, because apparently acouple unicorns cast invisibility SEPFs onto themselves and ended up throwing themselves off a roof because they were convinced that they were dead. Dark stuff. Anyway, the spell lasts for around half a day but, and this is a big but (Pun not intended), any unicorn can dispell it.
"That's so cool!" I've finished me third drink at that point. "I mean.... That's so cool!" Yay, I'm pretty drunk. Hoof's also a bit out of it.
"Yep. Handy too." Hmm. Clock says 6 over there. Night's usually at nine, better stop drinking. "I think it's time I got my happy ass back to the castle and into a bath. I still smell like that bloody soap."
"Alright, I'll walk you back. Wouldn't want you to get lost. Put it on the tab, Draught!" She yells the last part out to the busy bar and gets a yeah in return.
The streets are relatively quiet on our return to the castle, presumably because everyone is getting ready for dinner, so no queer stares. Didn't mind all that much though, my brain was still in the buzz-stage and was more than happy just walking. At about the half way point, I clock on that Hoofbeat is humming some random tune and it puts an idea into my drunken little head. Could it be magic or is this impulse to sing coming from me being buzzed?
"Hey Hoofy, wanna hear a song?" She nods in agreement. "Well, this one is from a game called 'New Vegas', it's called 'Ain't that a kick in the head'."
Recalling back to those lazy days in the wasteland of Nevada, shooting plasma at radroaches and killing NPC's. Ahh, oh wait, I'm supposed to be recalling the song! Shaking my hand to get the tempo, I take a breath and begin to sing.
"How lucky can one guy be..."
Author's Note
11 weeks?
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Shade the Starcunning man
Remember when I used to be (somewhat) responsible? Yea, neither do I.
Previously on Defiance...
Wait, that's not right! That's an entirely different story! One sec....
...Previously on Shade, the Starcunning man...
So yea, I'm recapping some shit! Somehow, I managed to avoid getting my rump cropped. But only because I accidentally teleported into a lilac scented hot-tub of one particular libertine. Then, after being offered to be the 'Stallion' in the relationship, I rifted back to Hoofy with a grim expression and a desire to drink myself to oblivion. After we found the 'Sticky Stable', we downed several beverages of an alcoholic nature and I learned some stuff about her. Time eventually caught up with us, so we left the bar (Praise be to the alcohol gods for their bounty) and then I ended up singing in the middle of Canterlot.
Like the fella once said: Ain't that a kick in the head! So, after drinking some more of this awful ponybooze, I'm apparently belting out the lyrics to one of my favorite songs to the night while doing a horrible one-two-half walk/half dance step.
'Like the sailor said, quote: Ain't that a hole in the boat!' Through the haze of alcohol, I figured I was the reincarnation of Frank Sinatra! I'm probably sounding more like a reject from American Idol or, worse, 'Britain's got talent!' Seriously, that stage needed to be purged with fire.
'If this is just the be-ginning, my life is gunna be... B-E-A-UITIFUL!" Wait, why the hell am I singing this song again? Oh who the fuck cares! Drunk Shade Singing demands moar!
'Tell me quick... Oh ain't love a kick...' Hold on. That accompaniment, that I thought was just merely my own mental background track, doesn't sound like it's in my head anymore!
'Tell me quick, ain't love a kick....' My voice loses traction in my maw as I turn around. Behind us is around 50 ponies, some wearing song-specific instruments, some wearing outfits and some just humming along to the tune. They're all looking expectantly at me as the song crescendos and I sputter out the final line.
'In the head(?)'
I'm met with an outpouring of applause and cheers. As I stare dumbfounded, two ponies come up to congratulate me on my 'stellar performance', the pink-ish mare flutters her eyelashes at me while the stallion just says 'Jolly good show' and departs after I gently nod in thanks. On my side, Hoofbeat gets a single mare who comes up to her and then congratulates her on finding 'a great special somepony'. As the crowd disperses, I look over at Hoofy with a bewildered expression on my face. She notices it and chuckles.
"You started singing in Canterlot, Shade, What did you expect?" She finally said.
"But that's a human song, Hoofy, how the hell did they know the tune to it?!"
"...Because it came out a year ago and was really popular? The only difference is that it was called 'Ain't that a buck to the head'."
"'Ain't that a buck to the head'?"
"Yes?"
"I hate this world."
She just laughs.
Eventually, after the musical event that I almost immediately threw into the mental bin of: 'Just don't bother questioning this shit, it's another world and it just likes mucking with you!'. I decided to keep my damn mouth shut and waited until we finally reached the castle. Then, still keeping silent, eventually my room. As I go to open the door, Hoofy looks at me and giggles in a very childish way.
"Well," I finally say to break the moment, "I guess, err, goodnight 'special somepony(?)'"
Honestly, when she looked at me confused, I was too. It was only when she started laughing, no more like a giggle, that I kinda felt like I'd done some pony-faux-pa. But thanks to the magic that was being drunk, I was still running buzzed.exe and the fact that the definition of 'special somepony' was unknown didn't really bother me. She left a moment later but I was, briefly, still stuck in my own little ethanol-enhanced trance and didn't even register her departure but I was aware enough to know that I stank (And was three steps away from an AA meeting).
As I stumbled towards the bathroom, shedding my clothing that was a cocktail of sweat, lilac soap and alcohol (which was probably something Elton John would be drinking while wearing those funky glasses of his). I decided to take a well-deserved bath and hopefully the water and the alcohol would clean me from today's misadventures.
After giving my maw a good ol'e brushing with the minty toothpaste, I slipped into the warmth of the water in that ceramic pool. As the loveliness of that cleansing water wrapped around me, I felt my drunkenness lessening as I began the process of rub-a-dub-dubbing my meatbag body. After what could have been five minutes... Or fifty, I eventually left that, significantly cooler, bath and after drying myself off dressed myself in some of Golden Thread's clothes and left the bathroom.
Apparently, it was more fifty than five minutes and it is now rapidly approaching night time which means Luna will no doubt be approaching this guestroom soon. But I'm kinda looking forward to her arrival.... Well, only because I want to show off my flashy riftjumping abilities AND ABSOLUTELY NOTHING ELSE! Hmm. On one side, I'd rather not push my luck regarding her 'desires' for me, but on the other hand I'm starting to smell a rat. So she's gone from lovestruck teen, to slightly more mature woman-err-pony-thing, to finally ignoring me? Yea, I think I either need to go nip this in the bud right now or find away to escape this place. This place that has her as one of the co-rulers. Who is basically a demi-god..... So, nipping some buds then!
As I finish that thought, there is a quiet knock on the door and I go to answer it. Behind said door is a unicorn with a small mustache, a very french haircut and has the garb and posture of a waiter. He immediately looks somewhat surprised at my form, before immediately reverting to a obviously practiced neutral-but-snooty expression that I've come to expect of upper-crust butlers.
"Ambassador Shade?" Celestia is just mocking my idiocy, I swear. "Would you care for something to eat?"
"Strange, I thought I was having dinner with Luna?" He frowns very slightly before correcting his expression.
"I was simply told to inquire as to what you would like. I have no idea if you're joining the night Princess for a meal."
"She probably just forgot to tell you. Can you take me to her?" His facade drops slightly and he looks very reluctant and alittle scared. Not really surprising considering I'm bigger than he is and I'm an alien. Ugh. "If you want, you could ask a guard to escort me."
He nods quickly and departs at a rapid clip. Sighing, I close the door and grab a seat on one of those big cushions that sit next to a small table. I mean Christ, I'm not that terrifying, am I? It's not like I'm covered in spikes and scales and shit. Ah well, guess I'll just have to smile more. Atleast with a guard around they are alot calmer.
Pondering for a moment longer, I hear another knock upon my door and answer it. Holy shit, it's the goddamn batpony! Heavy dark blue armor, yellow eyes with a slit for a pupil and a pair of goddamn leathery wings on this, very obviously, male guard. The only other thing worth mention was that he was much larger than that waiter-pony. We stare at each other for a moment before he speaks. And no, he doesn't start asking me where 'Ponvy Dent' is.
"Ambassador Shade, I'm here to accompany you to Princess Luna's quarters. Please follow me."
Without waiting for my reply, he turns and begins marching off down the corridor. Quickly shutting my door, I race off after him and we walk. After a couple of tense minutes of silence, I figure I should probably make some small talk since this journey is obviously going to take awhile. Hell, it's not a holiday village, it's a goddamn castle! Of course it's going to take time to get to the other side!
"So, if you don't mind me asking, what kind of pony are you?" He snorts quietly in obvious annoyance.
"Pegasus." Well, he's obviously not a happy bunny.
"But your eyes and wings are diff.."
"Illusionary enchantment in the armor."
"Oh, but why are there two different sets of guards? I mean surely..." He interrupts again.
"Look 'Ambassador', I was one of those guards you chucked around with magic and then nearly got burned. I don't trust you with our Princess, but she's said you're to be treated nicely and so how about we just walk to her quarters in silence, ok?" Oops.
"Alright, but first I'd just like to say I'm sorry for that. I was in a panic." And with that, he immediately stops and turns to look at me.
"A panic? You blasted a 200 foot high pillar of tartarus-damned fire near our beloved princess because you were in a panic?! "
"Erm, yes?"
Judging by the look now spreading across that batpony's face, I can tell I've just made a fuck up of titanic proportions. He looks at me with rage in his eyes and literally snorts steam. I feel a tiny touch of fear as he slams his hoof down, but really he's not magical so I'm not totally afraid. As he continues to glare at me, I find my right hand automatically reaching for my amulet. If this goes south, he's going to get punted.
"You're telling me that you can summon that by accident? There is no way on this moonkissed earth that I am letting you anywhere near the princess!"
"Not anymore I can't! I didn't even want to do that! Besides, your Princess ensured that all of my offensive spells were destroyed!"
"And why should I believe you?"
"Well, A: Because you could just ask her when we get there and B: Because it damn well nearly killed me. " Hah! He looks less sure of himself now!
"Killed you?"
"As it turns out, channeling hideous amounts of energy into an injured mind is a bad thing. I was in a coma for a week afterwards."
"Oh."
"And my control problems? Luna assigned the Royal Guard Instructor mare to help me and also gave me this enhanced amulet." I shake it with my right hand. "Keeps my magic under control." His glare has softened, it seems that the idea of his perfect little princess nearly killing someone has broken his rage.
"Well." He finally said. "Well, I didn't know you had a RGI assigned to you." He finally finished.
"It's a mare called Hoofbeat." I said, filling the silence as he looked at me with two parts disbelief and one part confusion.
"RGI Hoofbeat?" He whispered.
"Yes?" He rubbed the back of his helmet with his hoof.
"She assigned you Hoofbeat ?"
"...Yes. Hoofbeat. Is that supposed to be significant?"
"Err. No. Just surprised." And as he starts off again, I only just manage to catch him whispering under his breath: "You unlucky bastard."
Soon, we finally reach the steps to the moon goddess' quarters. Now, I am not a fit gentlemen! Hell, after eating magically cooked bacon and basically drinking myself into a stupor, I'd consider myself lucky if I could do fifty steps. But, of course, Luna's quarters are mounted on a tower. So, after silently cursing all the gods I could think of, I began my horrible journey to the top.
There are significantly more than fifty steps. I lost count after about the 90th one when it felt like my heart was going to explode out of my chest, followed closely by my lungs and spleen. The guard, who's name I now know is 'Nightwing', is trying very obviously not to laugh at my absolutely abysmal fitness level. The bastard.
Not soon enough, we arrive at the Princess' quarters and my newest buddy turns around to the sound of me weezing like I'm a heavy smoker. He eventually gives the door a gentle knock before requesting entry. Luna bellows her agreement and he goes in. What follows is a quiet but obviously serious conversation behind closed doors, I'm almost worried by the length of time it's taking them. Then, strangely, I see a flash of white out the corner of my eye but before I can turn to see what it was the door opens.
"Princess Luna will see you now, Ambassador Shade." Nightwing announces in an official sounding voice before opening the door wider while he tries to make himself small against the door.
So Luna's quarters are large, and by that I mean: 'Holy shit, this place is massive!' It'd take me a good five minutes to walk from the entrance to the other wall! The moon demigod is apparently wrapped up in a scroll, so I have a moment to really look at the room. It's got a fireplace, a huge desk that she's currently sitting infront of and this huge cloud that is just hovering above the floor. As I stare at it, she looks at me with amusement but I interrupt her.
"Is that.... Is that a cloud?" I point feebly and she giggles.
"That's where I sleep, Shade."
A bed. A bed made of clouds . Somehow, in my brain-locked state, I forget the normal social contract of not walking into people's bedrooms and go over to it. It's a fucking cloud! It's a bed made of fucking clouds! Honestly, the mental bin marked: 'It's magically lala land, just deal with it' is going to need to be emptied so I can fit all of this craziness into it! Finding myself not more than a foot away from it, I look over at Luna who's expression is half-amused and half-concerned.
"May I?" I gestured at it with my index finger, she giggles slightly.
"Of course, but you should know..."
But of course, I'd stopped listening at this point as I threw myself atop that magical wonderbed without a care in the world. I just manage to see Luna's surprised expression as I fell onto, then through said wonderbed and cracked my back on the stone floor beneath it. Yes, a reasonable person would have actually checked the bloody thing before trying that feat but I was still abit tipsy from the drinking and also I thought it would work ok?! After letting out a groan, I heard the sound of hooves approaching before I popped my head up out of the mist.
"Your bed is stupid." Was the best thing I could come up with to say. Her look of concern abaits somewhat when she see's I'm alright as she offers me a hoof so I can get up, it's only when I'm standing upright that I can see she's braced herself on the bed itself with her other hoof.
"Only pegasus ponies can walk, or sleep, on clouds." She informed me, but I was more transfixed on her other hoof. Again, forgetting myself, I gently reached over to that hoof and wrapped my fingers around it. Even more gently, I pushed down on it and found the surface of the cloud to have a similar texture to a soft downy mattress. It's at this point I remember I'm basically doing what would be the equal of holding hands and quickly let go.
"Err, sorry." I laughed somewhat awkwardly. "Had to feel for myself." Err, captain you might wish to amend your previous statement, she's starting to blush... "I mean, I had to feel the cloud. The bed cloud. Myself." Oh sweet Jesus, I'm an idiot.
"I see." Oh man, now she's got that coy little smile. "Well, I did have some work but I suppose a break would do me some good." She says as I'm extracting myself from that wicked little trap. "Tell me, Shade, have you seen the lake at night?"
"The firestorm lake?" She titters.
"The official title is the Royal Canterlot lake, but I suppose we could always rename it."
"Err, no actually I haven't. Well, not for any great length of time if my previous visit was any indication."
"Then we could go for a walk! Come!" Oh come on, I only just about managed to get up those sodding steps and now we're going for a walk! But before I can voice those complains, her horn glows bright and I feel the familiar sensation of T-space around me. Stairs: 1, Shade: 1!
Author's Note
I HOPE YOU'RE PLEASED WITH YOURSELVES.
BECAUSE I'M NOT PLEASED WITH YOU.
Also, a girl came into work today with a Rainbow Dash wallet and my first thought was: "THEY KNOW."
Write a short recap of this entire story and you'll win a prize!*
*Prize does exist. No Lulzy you can't win it. Entries will be judged at how amusing they are, not based on length, width, tonnage or how environmentally friendly they are.... Right, now they're all busy doing that I can go back to not getting shit done today.
...And that's assuming anyone's even reading this anymore.
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Shade the Starcunning man
I once set fire to a forest, I don't need a damn title!
I woke up. Now let me tell you, waking up in the middle of a forest in the dead of night with a banging headache is not fun at all. Especially when, if you think about it, there could be God knows what kind of wild and poisonous crap just waiting for you to make a misstep. But I'm powerful man of magic, right? I've been practicing for atleast a year. In secret. Alone. With no help. Ok, so I'm probably not powerful at all, but since I'm the only one with this ability I'm number one by default. So I call on my least powerful spell which I call 'torch', because: A. It uses fire to light the way and B. I'm unoriginal as all fuck. Raising my right hand slightly, cupping it to contain the spell and trigger the torch.
Have you ever heard of the Tunguska event? No? Well, there are alot of myths about what caused it, but the end result was a huge area of a forest got knocked down like a nuke went off in the middle. Guess why I'm mentioning that? Well, I looked around after the completely unsuccessful spell to a similar sight on a much smaller scale. 50 meters of forest, trees and various schrubs had been knocked down. A further 20 meters out, there were black marks on nearly everything as the surface was burned away. I looked at my right hand in horror, expecting it to be burned to nothingness, only to find it perfectly alright. I chalked that up to my amazin..ok, my semi-decent focus on self-preservation. Now I knew I was fine, but the question remained: The hell was that all about?
I shook my head to clear it as I walked away from the epicenter. I'd tried to cast while I was distracted with my headache, perhaps that explains why it went so very wrong, but then I've never been able to pull that much energy with so little focus before! I reached the edge of the desolation, found a burning stick to light my way and headed deeper into the forest. I should note that my modus operandi has always been to hide my skills, I don't want a government agency to abduct me! Or crazed Harry Potter fans! Or... You get my drift.
Walking for about 5 minutes, I decided to rest for a moment and really find out what happened. My headache had largely gone down and that rock looked mighty comfortable. Drawing my focus inward, I delicately started to check myself for any new magical injuries or alterations. Oddly, there was nothing different inside me, nothing to indicate any new massive increases in power or skill. That must mean something strange is in the forest, but what could that be? I reached outwardly with my magical sense to probe the energy field of this place.
Holy shit! No wonder the spell went off like a bomb! The energy field here was huge, its like pure power sings through the air! What do you mean, 'What's an energy field?' Oh yea, you're not a wizard. I'll explain. You know anything about space-time? No? Alright. Well, the easiest way to explain it is if you imagine that the world is covered in an uneven invisible blanket, in some places it's higher and in others its lower. My unique skills allow me to tap that field to perform my abilities, with the gradient deciding how much focus is required to cast. So in high energy fields, simple spells are easy as pie. In low EF, simple spells are harder. I'm sure you understand now.
Back where I live, the relative field wasn't huge but it was enough to perform and work on new spells easily enough. But this place made it look tiny by comparison. Through my magical sense, I could practically feel the strings of power around me. Then, slowly, I noticed the gradient started to rise even higher. Something else was manipulating the field, something utterly massive, something that was apparently moving towards me at high speed.
I stopped focusing, grabbed my firestick and ran. Self-preservation instinct screaming at me. I dared to look over my shoulder as I rounded a particularly large tree, only to see what appeared to be a large shadowy cloud gaining on me. I didn't even need to focus to see a huge amount of energy spilling off its magically cloaked form. In fact, simply thinking about my sense brought it back with barely any cost. I would have thought harder about the implications of that, except I was doing my best to stay ahead of a nightmare creature of unbelievable power.
"SURRENDER! WE COMMAND IT!" It screamed at me in English.
Yeah right. With another rush of adrealine I sped up. But by now it was mere tens of meters away, gaining all the while. I finally came to a decision, I was going to shield myself as hard and as powerfully as possible so I'd have a minute to think and maybe find a spell or six. Pulling out my magical focus ball, I threw myself to the hard ground and put all of my mental ability into creating the bubble. The field popped into existence with startling ease, a thick silvered barrier that obscured the outside world. I breathed a sigh of relief, shielding spells were really hard for me to do as they required significant focus to be maintained at all times. Yet here was this one, only requiring me to hold my ball to keep it up.
Why a ball? Well I'm sure you've read stuff about wizards before and their 'enchantments'. This ball isn't enchanted or any such rubbish, its just a way for my brain to remember that particular spell the right way and to maintain my concentration on it.
I pondered my predicament. The energy field outside the bubble was now truly gigantic, blocked only by the shield, moving around as if looking for a way in. I was pulling a blank card on how to escape, maintaining the spell wasn't difficult but I needed to sleep at some point, plus the thing outside sounded pissed.
The local field gradient dipped in power and magic slammed into the shield. It weakened it significantly. I concentrated harder, forcing more energy into it. Another dip, another blast of power and I upped the energy oncemore. Only two blasts, but I could feel the effects of channeling this much energy already. Another blast and my nose started to bleed. The forth knocked the wind out of me. The creature outside was just too powerful to resist and very obviously wanted me dead. The fifth blow utterly annilated my protection, but at this point I was having trouble remaining conscious, my mind utterly drained and my body magically burned out.
I tried to look at the shadow creature, but I couldn't really focus through its cloak so I just settled on looking at the black blob that spoke.
"ART THOU DEFEATED?"
"Just kill me and get it over with." I closed my eyes and felt the clawing darkness of unconsciousness start to take me.
"Thou art not a..." It said quietly as reality faded to black.
Ever had a titanic hangover from a drinking session? Times that by five. That's how I felt when I finally regained consciousness, barely able to even think for the first few moments. Then it ebbed slightly and awareness flooded painfully back to me. I was alive! Hah! Ow! Ok, no internal cheering for me. Apparently I was on something soft and warm. I gently stirred, it was a bed with the softest pillows I'd ever encountered and I was apparently naked. Maybe I'd gotten lucky? Did I get drunk last night? I could hear the sound of someone gently breathing nearby. Ahah! Ow!
I tried to crack my eyes open, but the room was absolutely pitch dark. Reaching out slowly, carefully, I felt the indentation of another body in the bed with me. I touched its shoulder gently, it felt off somehow, but through my hangover I couldn't tell how. I gently ran my hand along its strangely formed shoulderblade and it quietly moaned. Let me tell you, that soft of a moan to me is just fantastically arousing and it banished any doubts that this was a lady! Shuffling forwards, I nuzzled her neck eliciting another one of those moans. As I felt her turn, I moved my head away from her neck and gently ran my hand along it. Her warm breath hitched as I did so, she started to lean in dreamily and our lips met.
It was one of the softest kisses I've ever experienced, a gentle purring moan coming from her throat, that soft fur on my...
Soft. Fur.
My hangover evaporated. The two of us paused, lips still touching as we both must of come to what must have been to shockingly different realisations. I rolled out of bed as the sound of it scrabbling to do the same. The shocking pain of tired muscle instantly reminding me of the night before as my legs refused to move and I landed, hard, onto the solid floor. But that pain was quickly forgotten as I rose to my feet to confront whatever furry abomination was there, although honestly, I was kinda hoping for a girl in a fursuit. Don't know what that is? Then I envy your ignorance and DON'T LOOK IT UP.
Something long started to glow in the darkness, my magic sense felt the tiniest wobble in the local field and the lights came on brightly. My eyes adapted to the burning illumination and before me was a dark blue horse looking back at me from across the bed. I think my reaction was entirely justified, I mean what sort of rational man would I be if I didn't go wide-eyed and scream like a little girl when confronted with that alien strangeness.
The horse screamed a fraction of a second later. I'm guessing mutual surprise of something that shouldn't be screaming actually doing so is scary too, because the two of us both stopped at that point. The room returned to deathly silence as we shared a moment of terror. I tried to think of something to say, but only the most primal part of my brain could come up with something to say and, boy, it was stupid.
"You are not a hum-" I said, dumbfounded.
"You are not a pon-." It said at the same time, dumbfounded.
If you were to grade this moment level of fear with numbers, ten being highest and one being fearless. A strange talking horse who could do magic and speak English? That's a solid eight on the fearscale, just below pissing yourself level. While I was still mired with paralysing fear, it somehow broke of its own and started to speak.
"What thou art, creature?" I worked my jaw, trying to find my voice.
"Hu. Hu. Human." I spluttered.
"We have not heard of this race, 'Human', does thou kind give names?"
"Yes," I'd always hated my birthname and always used my nickname. "I am Shade."
Oh I know what you're thinking, its a dumb nickname ripped from some kids tv show or something. Well, its not, when I was alot younger I read the book Jurrasic park like it was a bible and I was practicing for finals. A character in the book, 'Chaos Theory' Ian Malcolm said all his clothes were either grey or black, so he could get dressed in the dark. I took it to heart, since to a 14 year old boy, he was cool. A year of grey and black later, an art teacher refered to my clothing as 'the definition of Shade' and the damn thing stuck. But in the grand scheme of things, it could have been alot worse. No really, we had a kid in our school called 'Milky Bar Kid' because he was fat, albino and from Texas. I got off lightly.
"Shade." The blue horse rolled that off her tongue. "We like it."
I'm honestly shocked at how quickly my fear of this strange thing went away, until I started to really think about it. I'd only recently just detonated a firebomb in a forest with a metaphorical snap of my fingers, was a talking horse really that much of a stretch? Apparently not.
"And what art thou?" I said, before kicking myself for copying its strange phrasing.
"We art a pony. Our name is Luna."
Ok then. Looks like I got a stupid nickname and it got a stupid name. Luna means moon, its dark blue, maybe its not stupid just unoriginal? Hell, I named a torch spell torch, who was I to judge its name.
"Luna. Why do you refer to yourself as 'We'?"
"It its appropriate to speak in the Royal 'We', for our subjects."
"...Royalty?"
"Yes, we art Princess Luna. You shall address us as such in future, it is only proper."
Oh bugger me and call me June. I just made out with a princess! I'll be honest here, I started fearing for my life again, I don't know what ponies do to humans who defile their princess' sacred lips, but I'm guessing it involves tying my limbs to four strong ones and tearing me asunder.
"We ask what thou did with our royal lips? Is this known as 'kissing'? We have yet to experience it."
I'm not a brave man, I'm a cunning man which is the English way of saying wizard, but I am not brave. I could hear my self-preservation instinct go into a frenzy at that knowledge and the fear factor hit a full ten. Kissing a princess was one thing, but being her first kiss probably meant the tractorpony-pull would be canceled in favor of just taking me apart piece by piece with magic and then parading my barely-alive body to a noose. Then they might set my hanging body on fire and probably throw acid on it too. I did the only logical thing left to a tiny monkey-evolved creature who was royally screwed could do.
I ran my buck naked ass out of there. I felt the local field in the room bow as telekinetic energies tried to wrap around my body, but with my level of fear-heightened concentration I diverted all of that power to the door and blew it off its hinges. I swung a left out of the wreckage as a hoarse cry of surprise echoed from behind me. The hallways were done up in a strangely familiar hospital style, even including a nurses station with occupied pony-thing sitting at the desk. I drummed up my best doctor voice.
"Nurse, where is the exit?!" I commanded. "STAT!"
"Two doors on the left, doctor." She didn't even look up from her paperwork.
"Thank you nurse!" But that made her look up at my naked form as I raced past her.
Two doors on the left, here! I was through them and out into the glorious predawn air! The scene was magnificent, or atleast it might have been if it wasn't a massive blur as I ran through the darkened cobble streets towards a park area to hide. I hit the edge of it, noticing a green pony tending to some fallen leaves with a rake in its jaw. It took one quick look at me and mumbled a quiet greeting before returning to its leaves. Slightly shocked by the complete lack of a fuck that pony had just given me, I slowed my pace through the park and eventually hit a small lake area within it. I had escaped probably torture and eventual death from that Moony princess and her subjects. Well no, I'd probably just put off my capture, but I'll take what I can get at this moment.
"Stop right there, hooman!" Oh bugger, "Princess Luna commands it!"
Eight midnight black ponies had appeared in a rough semi-circle from the treeline, each wielding a vicious looking spear and savagery on their faces. Well, I'm going to die anyway, might aswell give them abit of a battle first. I focused on them for a moment, that strange telekinetic energy fresh in my mind, pulling the energy from the ambient field I let loose on those unfortunates with a broad wave of force.
My intention had been for them to be bowled away, blown from my sight in a glorious display of telekinetic ability. Instead, all it accomplished was their spears flew backward in their jousting harnesses and rendered them useless. Still, I considered that a win. Ghandi would probably be happy with that, right before they beat him into tomato sauce. Yet, the guards strangely started to retreat back into the park, hiding behind the trees and shrubs before I heard them whispering.
"Get my spear back in position!"
"I'm trying for Luna's sake!"
"Why did nobody tell us he had a magic...thing?!"
"Why are there no unicorns in this squad? We're the Nightguard and we don't have a bucking unicorn!"
I took that as my cue to dive into the lake and make a swim for the other side. The water was exceptionally warm considering it was night, feeling refreshed I stood in the shallows of the other side and looked up right into the face of another squad of night guards and an annoyed Princess Luna.
"Thou art foolish, Shade, if thou thinks thou can escape us."
I felt the local field bow once more as the telekinetic field tried to envelop me, I shoved it down into the water trying to divert it into the wild liquid but only succeeding in accidentally spraying the royal pony and her guards.
"HOW DARE THOU SPRAYEST US WITH WATER! WE ART THE PRINCES..."
I stopped listening, something was happening with the local field gradient, something that made that shadowcreature look like a bug in comparison. It was as if the entire planetary energy field was being pulled to this point on the world, something vastly powerful was drawing it in. I shot a look over the still enraged princess to see a small dot of white rising into the sky, glowing with a golden aura. The energy was flowing towards that dot, through everything here, even through me. Spells that would require years of patient energy collecting became instantly possible! With this power I could probably burn this entire park to ashes with a simple sweep of my arm! I could probably even move a mount..
"Shade!" The pony princess broke my revelry with a slightly fearful voice. "Your arm!"
I looked down. My right hand down to my forearm was wreathed in orange magical flame, the beginnings of a terrible firestorm spell. I got drunk one night and designed it, a magical tactical nuke. I'd only ever dreamed of using it, but even the mere thought of burning this park down had somehow activated it. I threw my all into cancelling it, but I'd never bothered to work up a failsafe because it was so vastly out of reach of my energy to cast it. I took a different route, trying to modify it so instead of unleashing an omnidirectional pulse, it would fire through that burning limb of mine. But I wasn't about to burn a princess and her innocent guards for my magical hypotheticals, I'm no murderer.
"Get back. Can't stop. Will. Channel. Sorry."
I tried to look at them, but my magical sense was overriding my natural vision, just sending a constant sun-like brightness right into my brain's visual cortex. With my will buckling under the strain of trying to slow the casting, I threw myself backwards into the lake and kicked my legs. Hoping I'd give them atlittle space before the firestorm, I landed in a slightly deeper section which left only my shoulders above water while my feet rested on the bottom. I raised my infernal right arm, feeling the spell reaching its apex, gestured with a single burning index finger to the sky before the modifications to the spell were broken and spoke the word that would unleash hell.
"Burn."I did mention I was unoriginal, right?
Self-preservation would not serve here, this had to be the focusing effort of my entirely short career as newbie wizard! With my arm aflame, I spewed that pillar of hellfire into the heavens, feeling the energy course through my already burned out body. I could feel the spell wanting to rip free of my new instructions, to burn everything around as was intended on its creation, but my will was adamant. UP! I demanded of it, UP AND NOWHERE ELSE!
It resisted, but I was winning. Well, the incredible burning pain from my right arm indicated that this was likely to be pyrrhic victory. Atleast I was dying in the glorious flames of my own creation, right? The energy field had started to fade now as the sun rose in the sky, all that immense energy returning to cloak its world once more. Firestorm was also receeding, that huge flame losing its mighty size as it returned to my arm and was extinguished. I looked at my blackened, overdone meat-like limb with a detached sense of caring. Too tired to muster up a care. Muscle, sineous, bone were all visible in the bicep and forearm. The hand suffered better, retaining some of its skin along the fingers.
The lake itself had suffered, the water level had gone down atleast a foot and now stood around my midsection. Its temperature was more akin now to a hot-tub. I looked towards where the Princess Luna had previously been, only to see a blue shield bubble containing her and her night guards behind it. Her eyes were wide with horror and looked almost concerned for me. I would have liked to make some comment, but I was barely able to think let alone make any smartass remarks.
I could feel the approaching darkness coming as I collapsed down into the water, floating on that gloriously warm water and let the darkness take me for the second time that hour.
The darkness was pervasive. But I was there too. Took me a long time to realise that I couldn't sense any magic here, not a single crumb of glorious energy. Then I kicked myself, I was still alive! I'm...wait a second where the hell is this? Did they banish me to some wierd-ass cell in space or something? No, wait, here we go. Something is happening with my body! I kicked myself again, we're waking up! Sensations of...wait, I'm numb from the jaw upward, well that's not good. I tried to open my eyes and, thankfully, they responded.
Looking up, I can see a very medical looking light streaming light onto me. So this is a hospital, I thought to myself, good! The numbness must be from the analgesia! As my eyes adapted to the glaring light, I noticed the eight unicorns with glowing horns hovering over my bed, humming some tune and speaking quietly. So this was death by medical examination then, huh? Well atleast I couldn't feel shit.
I saw my right, hellfire burned arm raise into the air with a red glow around it that I thought was an oddly appropriate color. Slowly, the glow was suffused with a multitude of other colors and the flesh and sineous began to reach towards each other. The process was agonisingly slow, but as the nerve endings reconnected to their damaged brothers my internal scream would have broken windows and probably eardrums.
"Doctor, your patient is awake." A commanding voice echoed from somewhere close.
I looked past the doctors and saw what was presumably a viewing gallery. Within it was the recognisable form of Princess Luna, her sparkling dark hair moving even without any obvious wind. She was attended by another form, it was whiter than white with subdued rainbow coloured hair. I had expected a look of hatred or fear, but they looked at me with pity and concern. Didn't expect that. One of the chanting doctors leaned its head towards me and its horn glowed slightly brighter.
"Night night." It said as sleep was forced upon me.
The mindbrary was a quaint little thing, painted in a delightful light blue. The books that lined its walls looked mass produced, differing only in their coloration and titles. They represented memories, movies and sensations. The color represented the emotional content and the titles told of the experiences. One read 'Flying a plane solo', another 'Christmas dinner'.
I became aware of the library, this was my mind after all. I'd built it off the back of an idea from a movie called Dreamcatcher. It was a pants movie, but the idea of using a mental construct to remember stuff was brilliant. There was something new here now, something not of me. An aura that pervaded the place, warm and gooey like melted goats cheese. Moving through the racks of books, I followed it back to its source.
A white, fluffy cloud was hovering over some of the books. It levitated one from a shelf that read 'First date with happy ending'. Oh fuck no! Nobodies allowed to watch that but me! I reached out and my hand brushed its surface. Their was a snap and the library was gone.
The restaurant was called 'Ask!', no I don't know why. It was quite a stylish place, with lots of that strange modern art that to me just looks like colored squares. We were sitting by a window, with a view of the road just beyond it. Nothing like a main road to get a ladies' heart racing, right? Across from me was her. No I'm not telling you her name, its irrelevent.
She was shorter than me, around 5'5. Long dark hair framed her face, her beautiful face, very well. Her hazel eyes looking into my own, a spark in her eyes of real joy. Her full lips formed a small smile as we shared a moment in silence. I, on the other hand, was a nervous wreck. Heart pounding, blood pressure off the chart. This had to go absolutely right!
"So that is a female human."Oh fuck me, that cloud is sentient. "Lets skip forward to the ending." NO NO NO NO.
"GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HE..." I screamed at it before there was another jarring snap. The cloud hadn't obviously heard me.
My head swirled. Those lips are slowly approaching mine, her lips. She's coming in for the kiss. My blood ran hot, I was aroused as all fuck both in the dream and in the mindbrary as the emotion ran off the memory. The cloud gasped as our lips met. They were soft, so warm, so inviting. She tilted her head slightly, rubbing her nose with mine as she deepened the kiss. Our tongues met tentatively, then slowly we played the game of L'amour.
"Oh my." The cloud said, sounding patently aroused as the memory collapsed back to the mindbrary. "That WAS a happy ending."
"GET OUT!" I yelled at it as I pulled my hand back. The cloud didn't hear me. What the fuck was wrong with my voice? Was it deaf or something? A piece of rolled up parchment appeared on the shelf. The fuck? I don't use scrolls, I'm not some savage who distains technology. The cloud noticed, levitating it and started the memory. And me, being a fucking idiot, tried to stop it by grabbing it again. Then I was in the memory too.
The restaurant was called 'Ask!'. Wait, what?
"I've watched this already." Even the cloud sounded confused. "What is going on?"
"So that is a female human." The cloud stated.
"Oh fuck me, that cloud is sentient" My voice stated.
"Lets skip forward to the ending."
"NO NO NO NO. GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HE..."
Oh great. My brain kicked in. I'm watching a memory of us watching a memory of my first date. Brilliant! As it snapped forward, the cloud must have had a similiar realisation.
"How is this possible? He's asleep!"
"NO I'M BLOODY NOT." Othercloud gasped in arousal as the kiss began.
"Hello? Can you hear me?"
"Yes! Now piss off!"
"If you can hear me, you need to speak up! Try saying something! Like...Apple!"
"FUCK YOUR APPLES." I was fucking pissed. It's mocking me!
"Just say apple! Simple word. Classic really. Apple!"
"I'M GOING TO BURN YOUR HOUSE DOWN." Assuming that princess didn't murder me first.
"He must be asleep. Maybe its an odd reaction to the spell, this scroll."
The memory snapped and we were back in the mindbrary. Well, I'd had enough. I am Shade! Starcunning man of magic! I have... well done bugger all really, but nevermind that now. This is my mind! With force of will, I summoned a great and mighty gauntlet of pure power! Ok, it was a driving glove I wear when I'm out cycling, but who needs mighty tools for tiny jobs anyway? So gloved, I grabbed that fucking cloud safely and turned it around. Then I shat myself. Metaphorically.
The cloud had two burning suns, hovering at eye level. My immediate guess would be that those were its eyes, but I'm not up on meteorlogical stuff. They spoke of immense power. There was little else except those oddly surprised fusion orbs. My first instinct was to run the fuck away, but when you're in your own head that's downright impossible. So plan B!
"GET." I said as I grabbed its form. "THE." I lifted it, fortunally it was about as heavy as a cloud too. "FUCK." I ran it over to the door, willing it open. "OUT!" And I threw that motherfucking cloud into the nether. Job done! Now, to find out what happened to my body. I'm obviously still alive. Perhaps I'm unconscious?
Blackness came suddenly and I thought no more.
"Oh my!" A voice, a fucking voice in my mindbrary! Another sneaky fucker deciding to check out my unmentionables! Standing, I took in its aura. It was different, not warm and gooey like before but cold, loud and dark. Walking forward, I found a black cloud looking over my internal spellbook.
"Doom Siren? Firestorm? Bladeburner? What art thou, Shade, if you have need for these spells? We cannot risk you using these, they must be removed from your mind." The cloud was monologing. Fantastic, that fucking thing was announcing its every... The floor shook and what felt like a dagger embedded itself into the mindbrary. The cloud had begun to channel hideous amounts of energy into my sanctum, tearing the very foundation of my mind! The spell book burst into magical flame as all of its knowledge was removed. I gripped my imaginary head, the process was agonising and apparently not very quick. Somehow, on some level I knew I was dying as that evil thing tore my mind from its mounting.
The blackness came again and then there was nothing.
If this was the afterlife, it was good! Warm bed, soft pillow and a blanket! To say I felt like a million dollars would be hyperinflating the value of that currency, because I felt like shit that had been hammered so hard it had broke down into its constituent elements, but the bed was nice! Something that wasn't me started making noise, pressing cold metal into my chest and tutting quietly. I stopped breathing, hearing a singular breath in the darkness. Embracing my nick-namesake, I decided to try and stealthly obtain some knowledge about this environm...
"I know you're awake." The feminine voice said. "Your nose flares when you are asleep."
"My nose doesn't flar.." I started to say, then cursed my idle tongue.
"I'm Doctor BoneMender," the voice continued, "By your...body I'm guessing you're male, but not ponykind. Are you feeling well?"
Well no shit, sherlock! Was it the fact I was a biped among quadrapeds? No, I don't feel well, I've just blasted hellfire into the sky. OF COURSE I DON'T FEEL WELL!
"I'm ok." Damning myself with as many internal kicks to my innate Britishness.
"Well that's good. The Princess wishes to speak with you."
I opened my eyes in horror. The voice turned out to be an effeminate looking unicorn. It's fur was pale yellow, its blue eyes staring at a levitating chart that hung just inches from its eyes. A quill, an honest to God quill, rose from its pocket and started writing on that chart. After a moment, it returned the chart to the end of the bed, turned and left the room.
Acouple of terrifying minutes passed. Time I spent trying to work out what sort of horrible torture they'd inflict on me, when the door reopened. OH GOOD GOD! Even disabled, I could feel the energy field gradient ramp up massively and scream in power! The white pony took a step into the room and I yelled at it.
"GET BACK! TOO MUCH! CAN'T CONTROL..."
"Calm yourself." The motherly voice commanded and I found myself immediately complying. Something around my neck was glowing. It was a necklace, a golden smegging necklace. The white pony entered the room fully, a concerned smile upon its lips.
"I am Princess Celestia." And I was naked, covered by only a blanket.
"If this is to be a public execution, can I atleast request my clothing?" Her smile became a smirk.
"I suppose so." My clothes levitated from some unseen table beyond my vision. "But that would depend on the severity your crimes. Tell me of them." The clothing stopped mid-air.
Well bugger it, I thought to myself, I'm dead anyway.
"Shooting a pillar of hellfire. Assaulting those, if I'm being honest rather pathetic, guards. Escaping. Exploding part of your royal forest. And, best of all, defiling a princess." Celestia's eyes widened slightly at the last part.
"My sister didn't mention any defiling." SISTER?! FUCK EVERYTHING!
"Oh."
"I have decided on your punishment, Shade. It will be..."
"Hold on, how do you know my name?" I said. Yeah, I know, interrupting royalty is a bad idea, but I was dead anyway so why not?
"You do not remember? That first kiss memory was very.." She paused, a very slight blush on her white cheeks. "Pleasant."
Bitch! Mindraping bitch! Fuck it! I'm a breathing corpse anyway, lets up this to homicide! I reached out with my focus and started to pull...nothing. The hells? Its not working! No magic at all? Not even a smidge? Damnit, its this fucking necklace isn't it. These ponies think of everything. Oh well, I'll rebuff her brainrobbing with some righteous fury!
"YOU! IT WAS YOU IN MY HEAD! YOU STOLE ALL OF MY OFFENSIVE SPELLS TOO!" I was spitting, but didn't care. "MINDRAPER!"
To her immense credit, she doesn't immediately incinerate me for my rage, but that could just be her not understanding what I was talking about in reference to my spells being gone.
"I'm afraid I don't know what you're talking about." Oh fuck off!
"Black cloud. In my Mindbrary. Erased all of my offensive spells and very nearly killed me! AND THEN YOU SAID IT WAS YOU WHO WAS POKING AROUND IN THERE!" Huffing, I crossed my arms.
"That was Luna, my sister. She informed me you had stored several extremely offensive spells in your 'Mindbrary' and that she had erased them. I apologise for the distress she put you through, that action could have been accomplished in a much less risky manner, but she is still relatively young and inexperienced with memory spells."
I honestly tried to work up more of that righteous fury, but it just wasn't coming. Her reasoning was sound and I couldn't really be mad at someone for trying to do what it thought was the right thing. I gestured to the golden necklace lying on my chest.
"And this?"
"The Amulet of Radiant Sol. It generates a small magical shield, allowing inexperienced unicorn foals to test their powers without blowing anything up. Did not your tutor have a similar enchanted item?"
"Heh. I don't have a tutor, all I have is myself and my mindbrary. Nobody back home can even do magic, I'm just a special little snowflake who's about to meet his end in crazy-pony land. Even assuming I could get this necklace off, I'd still have to get past you and I can feel the field gradient screaming. I'd be lucky if I didn't burst into flames the moment I remove this."
"Ah yes, your...'crimes'." And here it comes... "In light of our little... trip down memory lane I've decided that as penance, you shall apologise to Luna's guard."
"And?"
"There is no 'And', that firestorm you summoned scared them quite badly, although they'd never admit it, so it is only right you apologise."
"No death sentence? No gallows?"
"My, Shade, what a world you must come from if that is the first thing you assume would happen to you. Even if you did defile my sister." She giggles. "I wouldn't dream of killing somepony for merely kissing her."
"Oh."
"She also expressed an interest in meeting with you again, when you were well enough."
"Oh."
"She's outside, shall I send her in?"
"I. Err." Stop stuttering you foolish mouth! "I guess? Provided she doesn't want to use the oppotunity to string me up by my nethers and beat the hell out of me."
"No, I think she has... other plans." Emergency alert! Obvious foreshadowing of a slowly declining fate! ABORT ABORT ABOR...
Celestia turns on her hoof and leaves the room before I could stop her. Silently, I wonder what this dark pony could possibly want from me. Perhaps she needs a jester to entertain her? A butler? Waiter? Sex-Slav...oh God, no, please not that. I'm not into Man-on-pony stuff.
While I'm busy freaking out, a dark horse strides into the room with an air of faked-confidence that fools nobody and speaks loudly.
"Hello again,Shade ."
Oh fucknuggets.
