U-Harmony

by Ebon Mane

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Twilight Sparkle, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Romance
Length: 17840

Twilight's curiosity pushes her to go were no bookworm has gone before: On dates.

Twilight's curiosity pushes her to go where no bookworm has gone before: on dates. Dates with lots of unfamiliar (and not so unfamiliar) mares. It goes about as well as you'd expect.

A parody of dating websites in general, named after eHarmony.

Published 2011-09-09 13:37:20 UTC
Last updated 2012-06-18 11:57:16 UTC

Her Eccentric Education

Twilight Sparkle had come to Carousel Boutique expecting a sales pitch. Rarity was a businesspony; most of her suggestions came in the form of pitches, whether she was charging or not. Twilight wouldn't have minded her friend trying to push other clothes or accessories on her during the fitting of a new dress. That sort of thing was par for the course. What irked her was that the white unicorn was discussing something that filled her with a potent blend of fear, shame, and horror.

Dating.

"I'm telling you, darling, it's all the rage in Canterlot. All the hip single unicorns are getting in on it early. U-Harmony has only been operating for a month and it's already gained a simply enormous following. It's the Next Big Thing in unicorn society. Much better than any dating service to have come before, I hear. I've even been trying it a bit myself, truth to tell," The dressmaker said, starting on her fifteenth attempt to convince Twilight to sign up. Seeming to think that the revelation might cast some sliver of doubt on her beauty or charm, she was quick to add, "Not that I, Rarity, need such an aid to get a date. But I do need to keep up with the trends. Fashion, after all, trots on."

Twilight's long-suffering glower darkened. With the unfinished dress she wore pinned in so many places, she didn't dare move. She was a captive audience; only Spike would have envied her position. Attempting to shift the focus of the conversation away from herself, she asked, "I thought you were trying to marry that prince?"

Rarity's reply was icy, each word spat with venomous intensity, "Not. Any. More." She 'accidentally' poked Twilight in the flank with a needle. The librarian winced, then warily eyed the intimidating swarm of small, pointy objects that Rarity was levitating around her. She decided against further questions.

Still, her ploy seemed to have worked; The dressmaker spent the next few minutes grumbling angrily to herself as she worked on the final alterations. Eventually, she stepped back, and looked Twilight over from nose to tail before giving a nod and a satisfied smile. The white unicorn levitated a mirror and showed her customer the finished work. "So, my dear Twilight, what do you think?"

Twilight Sparkle beamed, "It's just what I wanted, Rarity! I look so scholarly." In truth, she might have had one or two suggestions, but the pins and needles still hung in the air, glinting menacingly.

"What did you commission this for, anyway, Twilight? I wouldn't have thought that you could need another dress; is the one I made you for the Gala insufficient?" Rarity asked.

"That dress is amazing, Rarity," Twilight Sparkle reassured her, "And that's sort of the problem. It's way too fancy for academia. I need a more conservative dress for my presentation."

The white unicorn leaned forward, intrigued, "Oh? A presentation? You didn't mention that. Don't you know that you simply must tell me these things? Where? When? What? Details, Twilight!"

"Oh, um, I'm giving a speech at Canterlot University about some of the magic research I've been doing in my spare time. It's in three weeks, but I wanted the dress to be ready early. Just in case," Twilight said.

A gleam entered Rarity's eyes, a gleam that Twilight Sparkle recognized. For the first few months that she had known the other mare, she wouldn't have described Rarity as 'crafty'. Of course, the craftiest ponies know how to keep themselves from being recognized as such. "Magical research, Twilight? That must be quite fascinating. You know, even if you aren't interested in getting dates from U-Harmony, I'm sure that an academic such as yourself can appreciate the advanced magic that went into its creation."

The librarian knew that she was being manipulated, but the bait was irresistible. Her insatiable curiosity forced her to ask, "Advanced magic? What do you mean?"

"Why Twilight, U-Harmony is built on a spell that somepony cast such that any unicorn anywhere in Equestria can tap into it. It requires no more than the tiniest bit of magical ability or power. It can send scrolls, gather and compile information, and then make judgements automatically to generate nearly instantaneous estimations of personal compatibility. But the most amazing part is that it can teleport ponies between cities remotely without expending any of their energy. All the power seems to come from the existing spell. Remember how long it took you to master teleporting even short distances?"

Twilight rolled her eyes, "Geez, Rarity, how much are they paying you to be a walking advertisement?" Still, a part of her was thinking about the sort of epic magic a system like that would require. Her interest was only growing. "In any case, if I had the ability to create a spell framework that complex, I certainly wouldn't waste it on something so trivial."

Rarity ignored her friend's jabs and continued, "The best part, Twilight," she leaned forward conspiratorially, her volume dropping, "Is that nopony knows how it works. All contact with administration is done through the spell itself. Nopony knows who or where they are. Isn't that exciting? Oh, the intrigue! Imagine, being the first researcher to crack their system." She turned with a dismissive wave of her hoof, "Not that you would be interested in anything having to do with romance. I'm sorry that I brought it up. What was your presentation topic, again?"

"Light refraction magic," Twilight replied, not nearly so proud of the fact as she had been ten minutes before, "A couple minor improvements that I made to the basic spell."

Rarity's voice dripped pity, "Yes. I see. I'm sure that Princess Celestia will be very satisfied with that use of her star pupil's time."

Twilight sighed, "Sometimes, Rarity, you're evil,"

The white unicorn purred appreciatively, "Yes, darling, but I make evil look good."

* * *

The finished dress was safely stored away in Twilight's saddlebags, which rested near the Boutique's exit. Rarity had taught her how to access the spell for U-Harmony sign up. She was ready. Or something like ready, anyway. The bookish mare figured that if she was going to investigate this 'U-Harmony', she might as well actually try the service out for herself. First-hoof observation was, after all, the quickest way to get results. Perhaps she could even learn something to put in a friendship report. If it was too horrible, she could always stop. Taking a deep breath, she channeled a bit of power into her horn.

The cantrip was simpler even than levitation, and she preformed it perfectly on her first try. A scroll and quill appeared in the air in front of her with a flash. Before the purple unicorn could react, her friend wrapped them in a sheathe of magic and began to fill out the form.

Rarity murmured as the quill danced. "Let's see now. Name? Twilight Sparkle. Birthdate? That's coming up, I hope you enjoy your inevitable surprise party. Pinkie Pie throws one every time."

Twilight moved next to the other unicorn, wanting a better view of the sheet.

The dressmaker turned matchmaker continued, "Location? Ponyville. Race? Unicorn. I'm not sure why they ask that one, since only unicorns can work the spell. Ah, now we're to the good stuff! I'll just go ahead and check the box for 'mare seeking stallion'."

Twilight made a choked noise and Rarity paused, slowly turning her head to look at her friend, enigmatic smile on her lips, "Unless there's some objection, Twilight?"

The purple unicorn muttered something, looking away in embarrassment.

"What was that, dear? I couldn't quite catch it," Rarity said, smile growing.

Twilight lowered her head, squeaking something at the very edge of perception.

The white unicorn sighed in mock impatience, "Yes, Twilight, you do a delightful Fluttershy impression. Now could you speak up, please?"

The librarian cringed, finally managing to speak, "...Other box."

Rarity's grin only got wider, "Oh? Which other box? Stallion seeking stallion? I've taken your measurements; I know you're no stallion, darling. That box is more for Hoity Toity's type."

Twilight growled in frustration, "Mare seeking mare!" Her eyes widened as she became aware that she had shouted the words at an incriminatingly high volume.

Her friend only laughed, raising an eyebrow, "Oh my, our little bookworm, a fillyfooler? Who could have guessed? I suppose I'll have to send for a new form.... Oh wait, look, it seems that I had already accidentally checked 'mare seeking mare' instead of 'mare seeking stallion'. How fortuitous! It's almost like, on some level, I already knew." After a brief pause, amusement crept into Rarity's voice as she added, "Oh, and on a completely unrelated note, I know this advice is about a year late, and I doubt that your little sleepover book mentioned this sort of thing explicitly, but still. Even during your first sleepover, you should have known better than to leave mare on mare erotic novels under the pillows of the beds. And under your bed. And in that hidden compartment under the trick floorboard. Ponies could stumble across things in places like that."

Twilight Sparkle's ears folded back as she stammered, "Those... those aren't mine!"

"Then why did so many of them have writing on the cover... what was it... 'Property of Twilight Sparkle, Do Not Read', with 'This Means You Spike' in parenthesis?" Rarity was clearly taking great pleasure in her friend's embarrassment.

"Er... Uh..."

The white unicorn laughed, "Don't worry, dear, just taking my revenge for not trusting me with this earlier. I'm your friend, and that won't change no matter what gender you're attracted to. Your secret is safe with me. And Applejack, who confiscated a few of the books that night. And Pinkie Pie, Rainbow Dash, and Fluttershy. But come now, they would have found out eventually anyway. You can't keep things like that from your closest friends. And the princesses, of course, but Celestia already knew."

Twilight dropped to her knees, utterly mortified.

"Look on the bright side, Twilight," Rarity said, "Now you don't have to worry about how to tell us. Not that you seemed likely to. It would have been rather awkward if you just brought home a mare one day, right?"

"It's still awkward, Rarity. Really, really awkward," the librarian said, shell-shocked.

"It doesn't have to be! You can be out of the closet now. It's your time -to borrow a turn of phrase- to shine all over Equestria!" Rarity's encouragement lifted Twilight's spirits just a bit. She began to see the bright side. Celestia clearly still accepted her, and if she had the princess's stamp of approval, who was anypony else to object?

Well, there was her parents. Then again, what they didn't know wouldn't hurt them.

Rarity floated the scroll back over to her friend. "That's all there is to this form," she said, "be a dear and send it off, if you would. Enough distractions, as amusing as they may be."

Twilight activated the U-Harmony spell again, and the scroll disappeared, only to be replaced nearly instantly by another. She looked to the other unicorn for advise.

"That's for the billing information. I'll leave you to that, and shall be back in just a moment." Rarity said.

By the time the white unicorn returned, her friend was working on another scroll.

"Ah, yes. That must be the question scroll. Answer everything yes or no, and all the questions will disappear and be replaced by new ones. When you've answered as many as you like, send it off and the matching will begin. You'll have a date in no time. But..." Rarity hesitated, "It would be unwise to rush. The more questions you answer, the better off you'll be. The matches seem to be better if you answer more questions. I was less than thorough on my first attempt, and the first m- er, pony they matched me with was...," She shuddered, "Less than ideal, shall we say? Take your time."

Twilight Sparkle raised an eyebrow and fell back on her old sarcasm, "Anything else you want to warn me about in this delightful service that you've insisted I take part in?"

"Hmm, let's see," Rarity said, tapping her chin with a hoof in thought, "Well, I guess I should tell you about how the actual dates work. They're all blind dates, you don't get to know who you're going to end up with until the spell teleports you to the location."

Twilight scoffed, "Why would it be set up that way? That seems like a terrible way to make it work. What if you end up on a date with somepony you already know? Or an ex-marefriend? Or somepony that you're not just not attracted to? Or...or... I don't know. Any number of disasters."

"Well," Rarity said, "You can call on the magic to send you back where you came from at any time. Though it's considered rude to do so the instant you see your match. Of course, that sort of thing would never happen to me. Nor would I do it to another; a lady is always gracious." Self-satisfaction seemed to radiate from the unicorn in waves. "Anyway, darling, all you'll know is the time, location, and most significant consideration in the match. The thing you most have in common with the other pony. I think. That last bit can get a tad... odd. You'll see."

"O...kay...," Twilight felt a strange sense of foreboding at that, but banished the feeling.

Rarity spoke again, "You just keep filling out that sheet. I'll be in the back working on an order if you have any questions. Feel free to stay here; if your first date ends up being tonight, you simply must let me help you get prepared. With Rarity's help, darling, you'll look just fabulous."

The purple unicorn nodded and turned her attention to the seemingly endless parade of yes or no questions.

* * *

Twilight Sparkle was still working diligently when Rarity emerged, hours later. The dressmaker paused, blinking in confusion, "Still here, dear? I expected you to have left by now. How many questions have you answered, anyhow?"

The purple mare slumped to the ground, groaning. The quill and scroll fell as the levitation magic around them disappeared. "Hundreds. Maybe thousands. They never seem to end. How many are there?" Twilight asked.

"I don't know, dear," Rarity said, "I certainly didn't fill out all of them. After a while, some of them started ask about things that I felt were... well... unimportant."

"Unimportant!?" the other unicorn shouted, "You have a gift for understatement, Rarity. Half are totally irrelevant. Only one in twenty seems really worthwhile. Of course, I want to answer all of those, it's just so frustrating. Wading through pointless questions. Why does it matter whether or not I prefer the lyre to the contrabass? Or that I prefer the crescent moon to the full moon? Or whether or not I like seedless grapes? Or that stage magicians put on better shows than mimes? I just hope I don't get matched up with anypony ancient because I put down that I prefer older mares to younger mares." She crossed her hooves over her head, burying her face in the carpet.

"I think you've answered enough, darling," Rarity replied, her voice gaining a subtly mocking air, "Far more than enough, it seems. Just send the mean scroll away to where it can't hurt you. There's a good filly."

"Har Har. Very funny," The librarian replied dryly, but her horn glowed and the offending materials disappeared.

"Oh, I'm sorry Twilight. I didn't hear anything from you, and I just assumed that no news was good news. I should have checked on you. But I certainly didn't expect you to take the task so seriously," The dressmaker tilted her head in thought, "You know, Twilight, some days I believe that your perfectionism may rival my own," she said, before adding with a dismissive wave of a hoof, "But then I see your mane, of course."

Twilight Sparkle glared up at her, "Of course." She pushed herself up to her hooves, and a small, off-white card appeared in the air in front of her. It was a uniform white aside from a few small lines of neat, black text in the precise center:

TIME: 7:00 PM, CST

LOCATION: CANTERLOT ROYAL SYMPONY HALL, CANTERLOT

REASON FOR MATCH: INTEREST IN CLASSICAL MUSIC

THIS IS YOUR TICKET; PRESENT AT DOORS

Twilight considered the text as she floated the card to Rarity; the other mare would surely want to examine it. Then her eyes widened in shock, "Seven PM tonight!?"

The dressmaker nodded, studying the card, "Yes, that appears to be the case. And since it's just past five now, I'm glad you're already here and ready to be prepared. We'll have you looking simply amazing for that lucky mare!" She looked up and recoiled slightly when her gaze returned to her friend. She hurriedly added, "Now don't be nervous, dear."

"Who's nervous?" Twilight asked, one eye wide while the other twitched erratically as she vibrated in place. Her mental state was much closer to mortal panic than anything resembling nervousness. "What could go wrong? Well, other than possibly making a foal of myself in front of the Canterlot Phillyharmonic Orchestra. Or if she turns out to be awesome and I don't know enough about classical music to interest her. I only have two hours. I can't study enough in that time. I haven't read 'The Intellectual Mare's Guide to Dating and Courtship' in ages, and it was for mares that wanted to go out with stallions anyway! Well, I'm sure some of the basic principles apply. It was written two hundred years ago, but not much has changed, has it? I'm sure the library has something...."

Rarity let Twilight rant as she pushed the bookish mare into the nearby powder room. She sighed to herself, "The things I do for these ponies."

***

Very nearly two hours later, Rarity had Twilight prepared. Where appearance was concerned, anyway. She'd pulled out all the stops; such a grand event as a classical concert in Canterlot deserved the best: Makeup, mane, tail, a final check of the new dress, and, of course, accessories. As she'd worked, the fashionable mare had lectured her friend on general etiquette for dates. Only slight corporal punishment had been needed to keep the librarian from tarnishing the back of her hoof with notes. Rarity had done all she could; the rest was up to Twilight.

"...And remember, darling, you're a catch; act like it! You look simply marvelous, and that dress is quite fetching, you're the smartest mare in Canterlot, and anypony would be lucky to have you. Carry yourself with confidence," Rarity gave last minute encouragement as the clock approached the appointed time, "And remember, things can go wrong, but that's no reason to be discouraged. It's not like this is your first date ever, and no date is quite as awkward terrible as a mare's first."

"But Rarity," The other unicorn replied, her ears folding back, "This is my first date ever."

The magic of the card activated, and Twilight Sparkle disappeared with a flash.

Rarity blinked. "Oh. Oh my." She should have known.

Her Improper Introduction

TIME: 7:00 PM, CST
LOCATION: CANTERLOT ROYAL SYMPONY HALL, CANTERLOT, EQUESTRIA
REASON FOR MATCH: INTEREST IN CLASSICAL MUSIC
THIS IS YOUR TICKET; PRESENT AT DOORS

Twilight Sparkle found herself in a familiar courtyard, just in front of the Royal Sympony Hall. The shock of teleportation wore off quickly; the mare found the spell to be very similar to her own, and was accustomed to its effects. She began to look around and immediately noticed another unicorn standing just to her left, wobbling as the aftereffects of the travel wore off; it had to be her date.

Curiosity momentarily overpowered nervousness. Twilight studied the other unicorn in a way that she'd rarely allowed herself to do with mares before. Her date's coat was light green, her mane and tail a grayish teal with a couple of streaks of white. The coloration wasn't caused by age; she seemed to be just a few years older than Twilight, if that. It seems that she, too, had put on makeup and had her hair done for the date, the latter playing host to an array of decorative clips that shone silver and gold. The mare was wearing an elegant white dress, and looked quite stunning; Twilight found herself humming appreciatively. She blinked. Where had that come from? She had no time to wonder; the other mare turned to look at her. The pony's eyes were amber.

"Hi! Nice to meet you," the strange pony said, beaming. She seemed familiar, though the librarian couldn't place where they'd met. If they ever had.

Twilight smiled nervously, "L-likewise."

The light green unicorn began to walk slowly toward the entrance, "Do you mind if we go in early? I hate having to press past a bunch of stallions to get to my seat," she turned back to look at her date. "Though I don't mind pressing past mares nearly as much," she added with a wink.

Something seemed to flutter inside of Twilight. That feeling was definitely new. She blinked, tried to focus, and trotted to catch up with the other unicorn.

They spent the next few minutes chatting idly; the introverted mare was only too content to let the older pony take the lead. Twilight Sparkle's replies became less terse as she warmed up to the conversation. She found that her date was not just a fan, but also a player of the classical style. When she asked what instrument the mare played, the response was surprising. "It's not often that I get to meet somepony and not have them know immediately what I play. I think I'll keep it a secret for now," the green unicorn replied with an enigmatic smile, "Maybe you'll be able to guess, by the time I let you see my cutie mark." The prospect interested the bookish mare more than she would have cared to admit.

By the time they found their seats, Twilight was discussing enchantments that could be laid on instruments with the fascinated musician. The concert hall filled slowly but surely with the Canterlot nobility, more elaborately dressed than could ever be necessary, and so arrogant one could almost smell it. The volume of the room increased steadily, and before long the purple unicorn was struggling to hear her date's story about a disastrous attempt at a tuning spell for stringed instruments.

Eventually, something occurred to Twilight. "What's your name!?" she practically shouted over the mounting din.

"Lyra!" The other unicorn replied with similar volume.

The purple mare beamed at her date, "Sorry I forgot to ask before! I'm Twilight Sparkle!"

Lyra blinked, then narrowed her eyes, "Twilight Sparkle as in Princess Celestia's personal student Twilight Sparkle?"

Twilight's brows furrowed, "Um.... Yes?"

Her date's eye's widened, "Ponyville librarian Twilight Sparkle? That lives in Ponyville?"

The purple unicorn's eyes darted from side to side. Did the other mare know her? "That's me," she replied with a hopeful smile.

"Clop!" Lyra cursed, "I didn't recognize you through that sexy academic getup. Listen: if anypony asks, I was never here and you did not see me tonight." With that, the green-coated unicorn disappeared in a flash.

Twilight Sparkle blinked, trying to process what had just occurred. Lyra had recognized her, and now that she thought about it, that name seemed vaguely familiar to her, though she still couldn't place the other mare. Objectively, the date was probably a failure; Twilight had somehow managed to drive the other unicorn away before the concert even started. Still, the librarian was more confused than embarrassed, so she supposed that it could have gone worse. She figured that she might as well stay for the concert before using the card's magic to teleport back to Rarity. It would probably take that long to get rid of the goofy smile that Lyra's words had left on her face.

'Sexy academic' indeed!

***

The spell returned Twilight Sparkle to precisely where she'd been before the date: Carousel Boutique. She was still blinking away the disorientation of teleportation when Rarity's questions began. "Oh darling you must tell me every. Little. Detail. How was the concert? How was the mare? Were you better dressed than her? Did she... spark your interest? Did you -"

"Rarity!"

The white unicorn blinked, then chuckled, "Sorry dear. I'm just interested. For your sake."

"I'm sure," Twilight stated flatly. She sighed, "Well, it didn't go quite as I'd expected. I don't think a second date is going to happen."

"Well, chin up, Twilight. Nopony finds love on the first try. There's plenty of grass in the field. You'll just have to get a new match; U-harmony seems to have a never-ending supply of them," her friend said, placing a reassuring hoof on her shoulder. "Now. What did go wrong, if you don't mind my asking?"

Twilight looked away as her ears folded back. "Well, to tell the truth, I wasn't with her most of the time I was gone. Lyra left before the concert even started. She teleported away as soon as she found out who I was. I guess she recognized me; she knew I was the librarian here." The mare's mouth twisted sourly, "I just wish I knew where I'd seen her before."

Rarity frowned. "Her name is... Lyra? Did she have a light green coat?" Twilight nodded. "Was her cutie mark a lyre?"

The librarian raised an eyebrow, "I didn't see her cutie mark, but I'm fairly sure she played an instrument with strings. Why? Do you know her?"

The other unicorn sighed. "I'm afraid so dear. And I do believe that Bon Bon and I are going to need to have a little chat...."

"Who's Bon Bon?" Twilight asked.

"Lyra's wife."

Her Reluctant Reunion

TIME: 3:00 PM CST
LOCATION: PONYVILLE LIBRARY, PONYVILLE, EQUESTRIA
REASON FOR MATCH: INTEREST IN SCHOLARLY PURSUITS

Twilight was extremely surprised when she saw that her second date would take place in her own home. After some initial panic, the researcher in her took over. All she could think about were the implications that the choice of location might have for the way the spell determined where to send ponies. The reason for the match was interest in scholarly pursuits, and that would fit well in a library. It's not like she would mind having a date in one under normal circumstances; in fact, it seemed ideal to her. No matter what other ponies might say. Perhaps the spell didn't recognize her tree as a residence? She rather doubted that U-Harmony would teleport a mare into her date's home knowingly.

She considered the new information as she helped Spike clean. Twilight lamented the fact that she didn't have time to visit Rarity prior to the date, but she supposed that makeup and a dress weren't exactly appropriate for a library anyway. She only had a few hours to get everything in order; she certainly didn't want to be a bad host. After the library was as neat as it ever got, she sent her draconic assistant out to spend the afternoon babysitting the Cutie Mark Crusaders. It wouldn't do to have anything cramping her style, such as it was.

After Twilight finished an inexpert attempt at making herself presentable, she still had quite a while to wait. Everything was ready. The anticipation nearly killed her.

She was nervously fiddling with a random reference tome when the telltale flash of an incoming teleport lit the library. The unicorn noted that the spell recognized that she was already at the location; it refrained from trying to move her magically to where she already was.

The new arrival began to shake off the aftereffects of teleportation, and Twilight took the opportunity to examine her. A red mane and tail with a light blue streak behind the ear, white coat, and a very familiar cutie mark. A silver crescent moon on a field of red stars. The librarian gasped as she recognized her date. A fellow student at Celestia's school, one that she'd taken many classes with. She ran forward to greet her old associate, "Hi, Moondancer, welcome to my library! It's been so long."

The mare turned, and her jaw dropped when she saw the pony greeting her. "Twilight!?" she exclaimed, "I thought you'd dropped off the face of Equestria. Everypony's been wondering where you ended up." She tilted her head, "What do you mean by 'your' library?"

"Oh, I run this place now. And live here, actually. I've been doing research for the Princess."

Moondancer shook her head, "Always the princess with you." She looked around, brow furrowing when she didn't find what she was looking for. "Say, Twilight, is there anypony else here?"

Twilight giggled, "Looking for your date, Moondancer? Look no further. I didn't know that you were interested in mares too."

The other unicorn stared blankly in shock for a few seconds, then broke into an ecstatic grin, "Well, mostly just one mare. A mare that I'd been trying to forget until now."

"Oh really? Who?"

Moondancer began to walk slowly toward her date, swaying her flank seductively. She spoke in a low purr, "You, Twilight. It was you. But I didn't know if you were like me or not."

Twilight was caught flat-hoofed by the sudden change in the other unicorn's attitude. "Uh... Well, I wasn't very social back then. Wasn't nearly ready to let everypony know about.. well... this." She began to back away from the advancing mare slowly, more than a little creeped out by the development.

The red-maned pony continued forward, slowly catching up to her quarry. "But I still invited you to my birthday, every year, hoping to spend some time with you, however little," She said.

"I'd always wondered about that," Twilight replied, "I didn't even show up half the time. I'm sorry about that. Er... could you stay back a little?" The other mare was getting uncomfortably close.

Moondancer seemed to be ignoring Twilight. A manic hint entered her voice as her speech continued "But when you did come, it was such sweet torture. You were so close, but always out of reach. I felt better just knowing that you were there, curled up in the corner with a book. Adorable. It hurt that I could only look, not touch. But it's okay, Twilight. Now I know that you're a fillyfooler just like me. And we can be together." The librarian's rear bumped into a wall; she couldn't retreat any further. The white mare nuzzled Twilight's cheek.

The purple unicorn recoiled in shock, not knowing quite what to say. She stammered, "Er- maybe."

Anger flashed across Moondancer's face. She growled, "No maybe, Twilight, we will be together," her face softened as she added in a loving whisper, "Forever."

Twilight's ears folded back, "You're kind of creeping me out, Moondancer. Maybe you should go; you can contact me again when you're feeling a little more... sane...," She teleported across the library, hoping to put some distance between herself and the madmare.

Her date turned quickly and began to trot toward the librarian, her face contorted with rage, screaming, "I know where you live, Twilight! You will love me!"

In a burst of panic-fueled magic, Twilight Sparkle managed to access the U-Harmony transportation spell attached to Moondancer. Guided by her mastery of her own version of the magic, she was able to activate the return trip prematurely. The mare disappeared with a flash.

Twilight sighed in relief. That had been an unmitigated disaster. She tried to look on the bright side; her study of the spell was bearing fruit. Plus, it's not like any date could possibly be worse than that one was. Or so she fervently hoped.

Her Mirror Match

TIME: 7:00 PM CST
LOCATION: ZE GUILDED PLATE, MELBRIDLE, AUSPONIA
REASON FOR MATCH: EXTREMELY HIGH COMPATIBILITY

Twilight shook off the shock of teleportation quickly, and found herself sitting in a booth staring at her reflection. The image looked somehow... off... in the dim light. She leaned forward to get a better view, careful not to disturb the silverware and glass of her place setting; the reflection matched her movement. As she got closer, she realized the problem: the colors were wrong. It showed a teal coat and pink mane, with a yellow stripe where her pink and purple ones should have been. Otherwise, the reflection was indistinguishable from the one in her mirror in the library. She tilted her head, and her twin did the same. She wondered what enchantment caused the color shift, and why it didn't seem to affect the purple of her eyes. What use could such a thing possibly have?

She was leaning forward more, curiosity demanding a more thorough examination of the phenomenon, when a pointed cough from her side drew her attention. She paused, just a few centimeters from touching the glass. Twilight turned toward the source of the interruption: a grey unicorn pony waiter, impeccably dressed and looking as snooty as any she'd ever seen. When he had her attention, he spoke with a thick accent, "Excuse moi, mademoiselles, but no public displays of ze affection are allowed in ze restaurant. If I may take ze orders, instead?" He levitated over a pitcher of water, and filled the empty glass in front of her.

And then he filled the glass in front of the purple mare's teal reflection.

Twilight Sparkle blinked. For a moment, she didn't understand. And then it hit her.

"It's not...," she began.

"...a mirror?" The mare across from her finished.

Twilight's only consolation was that her doppelganger looked just as mortified as she felt. "What?" They asked in unison.

The waiter looked from one to the other, "I weel be back to take ze order after you ladies are done with ze existential crisis, yes?" He walked away, though neither mare was paying any attention.

Even knowing that it was a separate pony, Twilight couldn't find any noticeable differences in their appearance, aside from the obvious palate swap in coloring. The whole situation was just too surreal; she wondered if she was dreaming. Even so, her desire to understand the situation overwhelmed all other concerns as she spoke, "We should...."

"...make sure that we don't have the same name?"

"Yeah. I'm Twilight Sparkle."

"I'm Dewdrop Dazzle."

"Nice to meet you," They said in unison, beaming at each other.

Despite the fact that the two got along extremely well, the initial strangeness never seemed to fade. Neither mare could mention anything about themselves without the other chiming in with their own eerily similar experience. Eventually, over their twin orders of daisy sandwiches, the discussion dissolved into rapid-fire comparison of their pasts, friends, and personal lives. Each unicorn tried desperately to find some aspect of themselves that the other couldn't match.

Twilight learned that Dewdrop lived in a library in Ponyton with her baby sea dragon assistant. She regularly sent reports on friendship to her mentor Princess Aqua, alicorn ruler of Ausponlia, who had sent her to Ponyton on one fateful Autumn Tide Celebration day. There she had met five ponies who would eventually become her best friends, and together with them and the powerful magic of the Principles of Togetherness, she had defeated the evil Inferno Core. In a twist that by that time in Dewdrop's story Twilight had seen coming, Inferno Core turned out to be Princess Aqua's sister, Terra. Every detail of the other mare's life seemed to be just a minor variation on her own.

Twilight Sparkle wondered if the universe was screwing with her mind just to watch her squirm.

Eventually, dinner was complete, and the mares had grown tired of exchanging life stories. Dewdrop Dazzle leaned forward and dropped her voice, and Twilight moved closer to hear. The teal unicorn said, "So... I was reading something just this morning that applies to the situation we find ourselves in. The piece asserted that you could tell a lot about a pony by what answer they gave to this question: If you met an exact duplicate of yourself, which would you do, fuck or fight? Those are the only two options that take full advantage of such a situation. I don't think either of us is likely to find anypony more like ourselves. So instead of relying on thought to attempt a prediction of the results, we can just see what happens. No doubt the results will be fascinating. So what'll it be, Twilight...," she raised an eyebrow, "Fight... or fuck?"

Twilight Sparkle smiled knowingly. She saw exactly what her strange twin was getting at. She responded with just two words, shouted at the waiter.

"Check please!"

***

Spike was curling up for bed when he heard the bang and saw the flash of teleportation magic. Lights began to flick on in the library and the dragon sat up and shouted, "Hey Twilight, how did the date go?" He got up and walked to the edge of the landing to look down at the mare. He gasped when he saw her; Twilight's mane was disheveled, and she was covered in dirt, cuts, and bruises.

"I don't want to talk about it," the unicorn said. She groaned as she rubbed her swollen left cheek with a hoof, "But I'll tell you one thing, Spike. I throw a mean right hook."

Her League Limits

TIME: 1:30 PM CST
LOCATION: MUSEUM OF NATURAL ARCANA, FILLYDELPHIA
REASON FOR MATCH: INTEREST IN MAGICAL GEMS AND OTHER ARTIFACTS

The card that Twilight had summoned was a joke. It had to be. She glanced at the clock hanging on the library wall. One twenty six. She scanned the card again, then cursed. Her eyes flicked back to the timepeice. One twenty seven. Without thinking, she shouted one of the most profane oaths known to ponykind. Spike, who had been shelving books, stopped to clap slowly, nodding at the librarian with respect clear on his face. "Wow Twilight, I didn't think you had it in you," the dragonling gushed.

Twilight Sparkle was already rushing up the stairs. "Spike, if you ever think about using that word, you'll be eating nothing but coal, granite, and bran muffins for a month!" she called out over her shoulder.

"Bran muffins!?" The dragonling shouted up at her, "Do you want me to chip a tooth?"

The unicorn didn't bother to reply. Bursting through her bedroom door, she wrapped the brush on her dresser in a sheathe of magic and began furiously brushing her hair.

So what if U-harmony had only given her five minutes warning for her date? So what if she only had... Twilight glanced at the nearest clock... two minutes and fifteen seconds to get ready? That didn't mean the date was fated to be a disaster. The mare's eye twitched.

With a minute and thirty seconds left on the clock, Twilight felt the familiar pull of teleportation magic, and disappeared with a flash.

***

Twilight Sparkle reappeared fully aware, panic warding off any disorientation from the spell. She found herself in a quiet hall, surrounded by display cases filled with an array of glimmering stones; she could feel the latent magic resonating within the gems. A few ponies, mostly older couples and families, were making their slow way through the museum.

The librarian was startled by a flash from behind her, and found that she was still levitating her hairbrush. Without thought, she flung the implement as far as she could in a random direction. She winced at the echoing clatter of wood on tile, then spun to meet her date. She put on a smile that she hoped would appear relatively sane.

There behind the purple-maned unicorn, facing away, was a very familiar pony. White coat, purple tail, three gems on her flank; there was no mistaking it. Rarity was just recovering from being stunned by the sudden transport. Twilight's head tilted as she considered the implications. Her mouth opened, but no sound emerged.

The dressmaker took her time composing herself, then spun gracefully. Her eyes began to sweep the room, and settled almost immediately on her friend. The white-coated unicorn's face took on an expression disturbingly similar to the one Spike got whenever Twilight found him with his hand in the cookie jar.

"Oh, hello Twilight, fancy meeting you here. Coincidentally. What brings you to this museum?" Rarity asked, deliberately casual. Her eyes studied the ceiling intently.

"The same thing that brought you here, Rarity," The other mare deadpanned, "Why didn't you tell me what you were using U-harmony for?"

"Why, what ever do you mean, darling," the fashionista replied, "I'm merely here to look at the... um...," her eyes flicked to a display case, then lit up, "The gems! Ha! I love gems. It makes perfect sense for me to come here and look at these gems." She spared another glance at the glittering stones, then nodded, "So there."

Twilight put a hoof to her face, shaking her head, "Rarity, have you ever heard of trying too hard?"

Rarity preened her impeccably-styled mane with a recently-pedicured hoof. "No," she said simply.

"You do know that I can sense your link to the U-harmony teleportation spell, right?" The other unicorn asked.

The dressmaker chuckled nervously, "What a delightful bluff, dear."

Twilight sighed, and reached out with telekinesis to where she felt the U-harmony card tucked into the other mare's tail. She pulled it out with perhaps a bit more force than necessary, eliciting an indignant cry from the white-coated unicorn. The card floated to the librarian, and she inspected it. "Well, what a surprise. This matches mine. I guess I'm not the only one who checked 'mare for mare', am I?" The librarian asked dryly.

Rarity turned her nose up, "I'll have you know that you can check more than one box." She spun away, focusing intently on the nearest array of gemstones.

Twilight smiled as she shook her head. She walked to stand beside her friend. "Well. This is awkward."

"Yes. Very awkward indeed."

The librarian shifted her weight from side to side. She spoke hesitantly, "So? You're a fillyfooler too? I thought... you know... with that whole prince thing...."

"I've always appreciated all kinds of beauty," the other mare said. Her lips spread into a thin smile, "The... incident with Blueblood has caused me to reconsider my primary focus."

"Ah." Twilight looked away.

"Quite."

They were silent for a long time. Rarity finished scanning the display in front of them, and began to walk slowly from case to case, taking in each in turn. Twilight followed.

Eventually, the librarian found herself asking, "So we're going to...?"

Rarity paused, turning to smile at the other mare. "We're going to enjoy an afternoon out as friends. We might as well make the most of things, darling," she said with a decisive nod.

"Okay. But, you know, I was thinking," Twilight looked at the ground. She kicked it with a hoof, then took a deep breath and let it out slowly, "I mean, you have more experience in this whole romance thing. And related fields, I assume? I'm sure that there are things you could teach me...."

Rarity looked at the other mare with pity. "Friends, Twilight," she stated softly but insistently.

Twilight Sparkle's gaze returned to the dressmaker. "Why just friends?"

The white unicorn bit her lip, her eyes darting around evasively. "Oh don't make me say it, darling."

"Say what?" the other mare asked, staring blankly.

"Dear... I.... There's no easy way to tell you this," Rarity sighed, "So I just will. I'm out of your league. As in way, way out of your league."

Twilight's head drooped and her ears folded back. "Oh." She stated petulantly.

Rarity put a reassuring hoof on her friend's shoulder, "It's okay Twilight. You're still one of my best friends, and I know there are other mares out there that would be just perfect for you."

"Uglier mares?" Twilight grumbled.

"Nerdier mares." Rarity insisted.

The librarian felt a ghost of a smile upon her face, "...I can live with that."

Her Open Opportunity

TIME: 7:00 PM CST
LOCATION: SEVEN PENNANTS AMUSEMENT PARK, MANEHATTAN
REASON FOR MATCH: CURIOSITY, INTEREST IN NEW EXPERIENCES, INSOMNIA
THIS IS YOUR TICKET, PRESENT AT ENTRANCE

Twilight Sparkle arrived in Manehattan. She was immediately stunned, not by the unstable mode of transport, but by the noise and activity. The unicorn stood in a relatively clear corner, where a fence intersected a stone wall. Vast crowds of ponies moved past her, the shifting of their garishly clashing coats causing her eyes to lose focus. For a moment, all the mare could see was a shifting sea of colors, and all she could hear was a dull roar, loud carnival music, and the occasional distant scream of excitement. She shook her head and forced herself to look past the swarm, to where grand monuments to earth pony engineering, pegasus construction, and unicorn enchantment rose. Metal boxes filled with colorful dots, so tiny in the distance, barreled along metal tracks at speeds that would put most pegasi to shame.

So these were the 'roller coasters' that she'd heard so much about.

"Awesome, isn't it?"

Twilight turned toward the source of the question, and she did her best to keep from drooling as her eyes took in the other mare's form.

The white-coated unicorn had a mane striped with light and dark blues, cut to fall effortlessly into style. She wore purple-tinted mirror shades and a casual grin that seemed to tell the world 'I'm more awesome than you and I know it, but it's not a big deal that I am a big deal.' She stood slumped to the side, relaxed into a balance that should not, by Twilight's reckoning, have kept her from falling. The purple mare's eyes lingered on the other pony's cutie mark: a music note.

The librarian could not imagine how U-harmony had managed to match her up with somepony so incredibly... cool! "Hi! Nice to meet you, I'm Twilight Sparkle," she said with a smile.

The other unicorn nodded as her grin widened. "My name's Vinyl Scratch but I don't want to hear the word 'Vinyl' out of you," she said with obviously mock seriousness, "all the cute mares just call me Scratch." Twilight couldn't tell past the other pony's eyewear, but she got the impression that the unicorn had winked at her.

The purple-maned unicorn's ears folded back as she blushed. "Okay... Scratch."

"So, never been to Manehattan before?" Vinyl asked.

Twilight laughed nervously and shook her head.

"Ha!" her date barked, "I can spot a tourist from a mile away. Don't worry about it, hot stuff, you're in good hooves. Come on!" Scratch walked forward, and the crowd parted around her. Twilight followed in her wake, trying to avoid the hordes of Manehattanites and tourists barreling across the crowded square. She was only able to avoid jostling other ponies when she followed directly behind her date, who seemed to have no trouble strolling forward at a leisurely pace without hitting anypony. The librarian found herself close enough to her date that she couldn't resist letting her eyes drift down to watch the other mare's flanks. The way they swayed from side to side fascinated her, and the motion seemed to grow more pronounced with time.

Twilight was startled out of her reverie by a bark of laughter in front of her. The mare realized that she had been biting her lower lip and humming softly to herself. She looked up to see Vinyl Scratch looking back at her as they walked. The librarian felt her face twist with mortification, but her date just smiled at her and shouted over the din of the crowd, "Like what you see, doll? There's plenty of time for that later. Right now, I'm just going to show you how we have fun around here. Get your ticket out, pet." The white-coated mare came to a halt, and Twilight managed to stop before crashing into the flanks she'd been studying so intently. She didn't know quite how to feel about that.

The purple-maned unicorn looked around, and gaped at the lines of ponies all queued up an ready to pass through the huge gates. A looming sign above easily dwarfed any building in Ponyville. All garish reds, blinding oranges, and enchanted lights, the beacon proclaimed: SEVEN PENNANTS, MANEHATTAN.

****

"Don't worry sweet cheeks, everypony's nervous their first time," Vinyl Scratch said.

Click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click.

Twilight had never heard a more ominous noise. She was strapped into what amounted to an iron box on wheels, suspended on a track high above the ground. The contraption was held up by what, in retrospect, seemed to be laughably flimsy metal poles. The garish paint job probably did not help any of it stay together. The unicorn stared intently at the cloudless sky; earlier in the makeshift train's morbid climb, she'd made the mistake of looking over the side.

Never again.

The unicorn breathed deeply and slowly, trying to calm herself. All the while, that horrible chain continued to rattle.

Click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click.

The Manehattanite mare patted Twilight on the shoulder with a hoof. When the purple-maned unicorn turned to look at her, she shot the panicked pony a cocky grin. "We're almost to the top. Just put your hooves in the air and pretend you're a pegasus. These rides are always best in the back car, so don't think I need to remind you to make noise," Scratch said, tilting her head so that her date could see her red-irised eyes over her shades, "besides, just looking at you, I can tell you're a screamer, hot stuff." She winked at Twilight.

The librarian tried to process that.

Click click click-.

Suddenly, the horrible sound was gone, but it was replaced by an even more disconcerting feeling of acceleration. They crested the hill, and Twilight saw the park laid out below her. She panicked, throwing her hooves up in an attempt to shimmy out of her restraints and screaming at the top of her lungs.

Vinyl Scratch laughed and shouted, "That's the spirit, luv!" as they went barreling down precipitous incline.

***

The train stopped at the station with a final jolt of metal on metal. The restraints released, and Twilight Sparkle climbed slowly onto the wooden platform, joyful ponies streaming around her as they exited the ride. Her eyes were wide, her body shook, and her teeth chattered furiously. She wondered how many years it would take for her heart rate to return to normal.

Twilight jumped slightly as Vinyl Scratch bumped her lightly with a shoulder. The other mare had the same cocky grin, shining almost as brightly as the purple shades, and didn't seem to have been at all affected by what the librarian had seen as a near-death experience. "What'd ya think, foxy lady?"

The purple-coated unicorn just stared at her date for a moment. Then, her face broke into a manic smile as she nearly shouted, "Can we go again!?"

Scratch chuckled and patted her on the shoulder with a hoof. "Sure thing, daredevil."

***

"What is it?" Twilight asked. She stared at the strange item her date was levitating in front of her. She hesitated to call it 'food'; it didn't look like any sort of meal she'd ever seen. A featureless grey tube as long as her shin sat on a peice of bread that seemed to have been designed to be split almost, but not quite, in half. The unnatural-looking item was covered in diced onions, lumpy green goo, and thick red and yellow sauces. At a glance, the mare probably wouldn't even have deemed the cuisine worth feeding to Spike.

Vinyl Scratch tilted her head. "Like I said, it's a coney dog."

"Yeah, but...." The librarian paused to lean forward and sniff the offering. At least the smell wasn't bad. "What's it made out of?"

The other mare looked up, bobbing her head from side to side each time she listed an ingredient, "Well, there's corn cobs, just the cob of course, no kernels, carrot tops, potato eyes, apple stems, peach pits, iceberg lettuce, broccoli, and basically anything else that nopony would normally choose to eat."

Twilight gaped at her date, then recoiled from the still-hovering coney dog in disgust. "Really!?"

"Ha!" the blue-maned unicorn barked, "That never gets old. Nah, don't worry about it, they're mostly tofu." She bit into her own dog, and Twilight couldn't help but follow suit.

It was far from the studious unicorn's normal fare, but walking through the crowds, the light, and the roaring din of the amusement park, it just felt right.

***

The pair rode about a dozen roller coasters that night, but Twilight never did figure out how her date managed to keep those sunglasses from falling off during the rides. It wasn't long before she just stopped caring; the librarian was having more fun than she'd had in months.

Eventually, though, a booming announcement informed the ponies that remained among the rides and stalls that it was nearly closing time. Vinyl Scratch led Twilight out of the park, and the two of them found a bench in the plaza outside of Seven Pennants and took a seat. A cold wind blew off the nearby ocean, and the librarian shivered. Her date scooted closer to her and threw a forehoof around her shoulder, pulling her in to lean against the other mare. It felt delightful. The pair looked up at the stars, and Twilight Sparkle sighed contentedly.

She wondered if this was the sort of date that luckier mares went on all the time. Fun times with sane ponies? The librarian could get behind that. It was nice to be matched up with a pony that wasn't married or a stalker. Her date was just a slightly eccentric DJ. Scratch's biggest quirk was that the mare never seemed to be able to decide on what to call her. Twilight had learned scores of affectionate nicknames in just a few hours. She wondered idly what 'sugar tits' were. Perhaps a type of candy? She'd have to ask Pinkie Pie sometime.

Eventually, Vinyl Scratch broke the silence, "I had a lot of fun tonight, sweet thing. You should visit Manehattan more often; the girls and I are looking for a fifth."

Twilight turned to look at her date, "You mean like a fifth band member?" She asked, tilting her head in confusion, "I don't play any instruments."

The other mare smiled sheepishly, "Uh... not exactly." She rubbed the back of her head with a hoof, "Maybe I should have made things more clear. See, not all relationships are two-pony things, y'know?"

The librarian blinked. "What?"

"Have you heard of polyamory?" The white-coated unicorn asked.

"Um... I've read about it once or twice," Twilight said, tapping her forehooves together and looking away from her date. "I don't really know how it... er... works?" She glanced back toward the other mare.

"Well it's really simple," Scratch said, the energy and confidence returning to her voice, "You see, babe, when a mare and a mare and another mare and a fourth mare all love each other very much, they move in together and buy a really, really big bed. We're talking huge here. And then...." She began to make squeaking noises in an eerily accurate imitation of bed springs.

"I get the idea! The gestures are not necessary!" Twilight blushed as the other mare stopped and chuckled at her embarrassment.

"So what do you think, Twilight?" The DJ asked.

"...I'll consider it."

Her Harmony Horror

TIME: 6:00 PM, CST
LOCATION: CANDLES' FLAME RESTARAUNT, FILLYDELPHIA
REASON FOR MATCH: SIMILAR VALUES

Twilight had more or less given up on finding romance through U-Harmony. She continued to send off for matches out of a sense of weary duty, knowing that it was the price she paid for brief flashes of insight into the dating spell's workings. The unicorn didn't bother to prepare; there was no point in putting effort into an inevitable disaster. As the appointed time approached, she wondered idly what horrors the spell would visit upon her this time. All too soon, she found out.

Twilight Sparkle recovered from teleportation's effects nearly immediately, as did the mare sitting across the table from her. She recognized the other unicorn at a glance, but shock kept her silent for a moment. Her date's teal eyes widened. Twilight desperately hoped she was wrong, but there was no mistaking it. The light gray coat. The mane, striped purple and white. The same old familiar face.

"Mom?" She found herself asking.

Twilight's mother disappeared in a flash of magic. The librarian just stared at where the other unicorn had been, hoping to wake up.

She had no such luck.

***

Eventually, she returned to her library, bewildered and slightly nauseated.

Spike was there to greet her. "Hey Twilight," he said, "Welcome back. How was your date?"

"More awkward than anything I could possibly have imagined, Spike," the mare replied, shuddering.

"Aww, that's too bad, Twilight. Anyway, a note came for you, not long after you left. It wasn't from the princess. It just said 'Never speak of this. Ever. And don't ask; you don't want to know. P.S. Your father says 'hi' and seems to find this hilarious. I will end you if you keep laughing. Yes, that was meant for you, stop looking over my shoulder when I'm writing.'" The dragon paused, "Or something like that. It vanished before I finished reading it."

Twilight had never more fervently wished for amnesia.

Dream Sequence: Her Twin Tormentors

Twilight Sparkle looked up from her magazine. The mare had never read Paint Drying Monthly before, and with luck, she would never have to do it again. Unfortunately, no other reading material had appeared on any of the coffee tables arrayed about the waiting room, so she turned her attention back to the pages with a slow sigh. It was, at the very least, an excuse not to look at the beige walls or the generic landscape paintings that hung from them. If Twilight had been forced to guess the motivation of the interior designer, she would have gone with ‘sadism’. The carpet reeked of acrid cleaning products, and a sundial on one wall ticked loudly every few seconds, though the shadow never moved.

Twilight’s eye twitched.

At the reception desk, an old grey earth pony with her mane in a bun reclined in her chair as she ran a file over one of her hooves. Glowing lines on the front of the desk spelled out ‘Now Serving Number: 5’.

The unicorn glanced at the small slip of paper she held in a hoof. She was number seven hundred and forty three. The mare looked around the waiting room; every other seat was empty. She glared pointedly at the receptionist.

The other mare was levitating a mirror and filing her own horn. With a click, the lines on her desk changed.

‘Now Serving Number: 6’

Twilight sighed and looked down, trying to find her place in the July copy of The Grass Grow Reader. She found the name odd; the publication was all pictures. She had just reached the centerfold when she heard another click and looked up.

‘Now Serving Number: 744’

With a frown, Twilight dropped her copy of Us Weekly and stood. She walked up the the reception desk, her hooves clopping against the cheap linoleum floor, and coughed pointedly.

The pegasus behind the desk ignored the librarian, opting instead to continue preening her wings.

“Excuse me,” Twilight said, “but I think you forgot to call my number.”

The receptionist glared at the unicorn, then pointed to a sign on the wall behind her, which stated in no uncertain terms, ‘No Smoking.’

Twilight frowned at the other mare. “What?” she asked.

The receptionist rolled her eyes with a sigh. She jabbed her hoof toward the same sign, which proudly declared, ‘No Refunds.’

The librarian’s head tilted as she stared at the words. Her mouth opened and closed, but she found that there was nothing that she could say. She scratched her head with a hoof.

“Twilight Sparkle!” a voice cried out from across the room, where the only door had opened to reveal a smiling unicorn mare levitating a clipboard and waving. The newcomer’s red mane and tail stood out sharply against her white coat and matching lab cloak, but it clashed with the puce walls of the waiting room.

Then again, Twilight was reasonably certain that every color clashed with puce. Even puce.

The librarian took an instant liking to the other mare; Twilight wore the exact same type of cloak when experimenting with potions or chemistry. She grinned and called out a greeting as she trotted across the room.

The red-maned pony nodded. “Good afternoon. My name is Close Counts and I’ll be your tour guide. Right this way, Ms. Sparkle,” she said, disappearing through the door.

Twilight hurried to follow and found herself in a hallway. Close Counts was well ahead of her, but the librarian didn’t rush; she was quite content to study the other mare’s outfit, a schoolfilly uniform with a particularly short plaid shirt. She hummed softly to herself as a smile grew on her face.

“You’re very lucky Ms. Sparkle,” Close said without looking over her shoulder, “You’re the first pony outside the company to ever be given a tour of the U-Harmony facility. Our state-of-the-art dating technology is a trade secret, but I’m honored to be giving our best customer a peek behind the scenes.” She pressed a button beside the double doors at the end of the hall and stood, tapping a hoof impatiently.

Struck by a sudden inspiration, Twilight lowered her head and peeked under the hem of Close’s skirt. She was curious about the other mare’s cutie mark. Yes, that was definitely her motivation. The mark was a stylized ‘U’. The librarian supposed it made sense, but she studied the mark for a bit longer, just to be sure. Yep, definitely a ‘U’.

A bell rang and Twilight shot upright. She stared pointedly at the ceiling as the elevator doors slid open.

“Down we go, Ms. Sparkle,” Close Counts said as she stepped into the elevator.

Twilight followed, and the mares turned around to face the doors as they shut. The tour guide pressed a button and the conveyance hummed to life. The pair stood silently, staring at the closed doors. Twilight fidgeted impatiently. Close studied her hoof. The elevator shook lightly. The librarian sighed.

“So how are you today, Ms. Sparkle?” the tour guide asked.

“Just fine,” Twilight replied with a smile, “and how are you?”

“I’m good.”

“That’s good.”

The elevator continued and the mares fell silent again. Close Counts examined her clipboard. Twilight Sparkle looked up at the ceiling and counted the tiles. There were thirty-seven. She sighed and glanced over at the tour guide, who was adjusting the straps on a set of golden armor. The mare’s red mane fit the crest well; it looked much better on Close than the royal guards, to Twilight’s judgment.

The librarian frowned. Something seemed off. She spoke without thinking, “Weren’t you just wearing...?”

“Wearing what?” the other mare asked.

Twilight’s head drooped and her ears folded back. “...Something else,” she finished lamely.

Close Counts tilted her head and frowned in confusion. “Why would I be wearing anything other than this?”

No adequate response came to mind, so Twilight fell silent.

The elevator hummed.

“How long does this ride take?” Twilight Sparkle asked.

Close’s eyes widened. “Oh, I accidentally hit the ‘vibrate’ button instead of our destination floor. Force of habit, sorry.” She smiled apologetically as she pressed another button. A metallic groan resonated through the conveyance and after a few seconds a bell rang as the doors slid open. “After you, Ms. Sparkle,” the guide added with a bow.

Twilight stepped out of the elevator into another bland hall and nearly lost her balance before she realized that she’d stepped onto moving ground. The black rubber floor appeared to be a kind of conveyor belt. She turned to her guide, frowning as she tried to figure out which question to ask first.

Close Counts attached her clipboard to one of the loops on the toolbelt she was wearing, letting it hang between a hammer and a hacksaw. The mare’s mane spilled out from beneath a vibrantly orange helmet. She smiled at Twilight and said, “Please save all questions for the end of the tour.” She gestured toward one of the walls with a hoof as the floor stopped with a jolt. “On your right, you can see our Match Criteria Processing department.”

What had once been a decidedly opaque wall was now a window. The change revealed a small grey rectangular room, its four concrete walls bare of ornamentation aside from a few black patches. Twilight was surprised to note that no matter how she craned her neck, she could see neither a floor nor a ceiling.

“Match Criteria Processing is essential to correctly determining matches,” Close Counts said with the cheerful exactness that comes from long hours spent reading a script that one loathes with every fiber of their being. Her wide, toothy smile could not have been more fake if somepony had drawn it on. “It’s one of the first parts of the U-Harmony service that most users spend significant time on. Here, new question sets filled in by all the delightful mares and stallions seeking love are received and appropriately handled by our automated system.”

A flash from above heralded the arrival of a thick ream of paper, which fell through the room. As Twilight watched, it separated into a swarm of white pages that drifted slowly downward into the dark depths of the chute. When the last page disappeared from her view, flames burst upward with a roar. The mare recoiled, falling to her haunches even as the momentary heat dissipated.

“Wow!” Close Counts laughed, “What a flare! Somepony must have put a lot of effort into that one. Great timing, too.”

With a noticeable lurch, the conveyor belt started up again, leaving the odd room behind. Twilight Sparkle struggled to her hooves as her tour guide droned on.

“In U-Harmony’s six months of operation, we’ve sent over twenty thousand ponies on a half million dates and nearly ten ponies have found compatible long-term partners through our service! Our statisticians assure us that this ratio of success to failure is significantly better than that of normal methods for finding romance. Please note that U-Harmony is not responsible for the accuracy of any statement made by U-harmony employees.” Close Counts pointed behind Twilight, the sudden movement causing the feathers on the guide’s Buffalo headdress to shake. “Now, coming up behind you, Ms. Sparkle, you’ll see our accounting department.”

The librarian looked over her shoulder and gaped at the view. A window overlooked a huge room filled from cement wall to cement wall with a sea of bits. Two hills of shining gold rose out of the expanse. A blue unicorn stallion lounged on one, dozing peacefully.

“U-Harmony’s accounting department is responsible primarily for payment processing, payroll, denying expense requests, and informing customers that we do not offer refunds.”

The mound of gold across from the sleeping unicorn’s resting place began to shift. As Twilight watched, a green-maned mare poked her head out of the top of the stack, sending an audible avalanche of clinking coins cascading down the steep slope of the stack. The noise awoke the stallion, who levitated some bits, packed them into a ball, and lobbed them at his co-worker. The projectile barely missed the mare, and a wicked grin spread across her face as she levitated her own bitball.

The conveyor belt shuddered and hummed before starting up again. Twilight could only stare as the window drifted away. After a few seconds, the only evidence of its existence was a distant voice shouting, “Money fight!”

“On our right, you can see U-Harmony’s state of the art operations center,” Close Counts said, pointing to another of the sudden windows as the floor stopped again. Light from the room beyond cast a flickering illumination on the wall of the hall, its colors constantly shifting. “Our highly trained technicians ensure that U-Harmony’s services are available to everypony everywhere, twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week! This department is ever-vigilant in its dedication to swift and decisive action in response to any disruption of our essential magic.”

The room fascinated Twilight in a way that even the gold in the previous room could not. She barely glanced at the pegasus mare sitting at a desk in the center of the space, her eyes instead drawn to the source of the light. The walls glowed with an ever-shifting array of words and numbers, all flashing into and out of existence or drifting across one wall only to appear on another, but she paid even them little mind. Her attention was focused on the graphs: bars, charts, lines, pies, scatterplots, even a web or two. There was something viscerally satisfying about them to the unicorn, as though they were little visual lists. Still, something nagged at the back of her mind, and she leaned in, squinting as she took in the details.

“Every day over seventeen thousand...,” Close Counts droned on, her eyes firmly fixed on the ceiling.

Twilight Sparkle frowned as she noticed that most of the graphs showed a lot of red. Red spaces, slices, and dots overshadowed all other colors, and many of the lines showed a precipitous downward trend. She turned her attention to the words and numbers that floated serenely around the room and noted that the vast majority were zeroes, when they weren’t phrases like ‘Error: Thaumaturgy Failed’ or ‘Critical: Miscast Threshold Exceeded’, and at least once Twilight thought she saw ‘Caution: Apocalypse’ somewhere in the mix. She wondered why the pony in the room wasn’t reacting or moving at all, for that matter.

The pegasus slumped forward, her head impacting the desk with a thud audible even through the thick glass of the window.

“Is she, uh,” Twiight paused, “dead?”

Close’s eyes flicked into the room for a moment even as she continued her speech. “...in the great bakery explosion. At that time, our founder was just--.” The mare’s eyes widened and she spun toward the window quickly enough that her blue policemare’s cap fell to the floor.

The unicorns stared into the room, their eyes fixed on the still form slumped over the desk. Neither mare dared to speak. Twilight leaned forward as she chewed on her lip. For a few heartbeats, the lights on the walls danced in silence.

The pegasus stirred, her mouth falling open and releasing a snore loud enough to rattle the window. Her eyes snapped open and she sat bolt upright, her head darting from side to side as her eyes scanned the information on the walls. With a powerful flap of her wings, she launched herself into the air. The mare hovered above her desk and grabbed her head in her hooves as she unleashed a bloodcurdling scream.

The numbers and graphs, blissfully unaware of the noise, continued to drop.

“Well!” Close Counts shouted as her horn flashed and the window disappeared. “Clearly that department is very busy. I’m sure you understand. Let’s continue, shall we?” Her horn lit up as she levitated her cap off the ground and set it back on her head.

With a buzz, the floor began moving again.

“U-Harmony is powered entirely by renewable resources,” Close said as she pointed to her left.

The entire wall of the moving hallway had changed to glass while Twilight wasn’t looking. She wished that she could have been surprised by that, but she wasn’t. Through the window, a vast expanse of fan blades spun, all suspended over another bottomless pit. Occasionally, in the depths below, a gout of flame rose, and the fans above it spun a bit faster for a moment.

Close counts yawned as she studied her clipboard. “Uharmony is the industry leader... blah blah blah... Oh, I guess this part is kind of interesting: the enchantment at the bottom of this bottomless pit is used to capture and transport all of the hot air released when stallions complain about their ex-fillyfriends. This heat rises and turns the turbines. As an added bonus, the air usually contains traces of alcohol, which are collected and burned for additional power.”

Twilight didn’t even know where to begin with what was wrong with that.

“And on our right,” Close continued, “is what you’ve been waiting for. The secret mechanism that determines U-Harmony matches. Are you ready to see the ultimate secret of U-Harmony?”

“Uh, I guess?” Twilight replied.

Close Counts pressed the big red button opposite the window and a section of the wall fell away, revealing a small room. A purple earth pony mare sat on the floor between two tophats filled to the brim with small scraps of paper.

The mare looked familiar to Twilight, but she couldn’t recall when she’d seen the pony. The swirling mane reminded her of Pinkie Pie, but the style wasn’t as poofy as her friend’s, and the white streaks were rather... unique. The oddest thing was the headgear: a cap with a spinner on top of it, the sort that usually adorned the heads of young colts in paintings made decades before Twilight was born. She leaned to the side to see the pony’s cutie mark; it was a screw and a ball. Twilight wondered what that had to do with U-Harmony.

The Screw-Ball pony reached behind her back, pulled out a bottle of glue, and proceeded to dump the contents all over the floor in front of her. She dipped both of her front hooves into the pile, then stuck one into each of the top hats. After a moment, she pulled her hooves out and studied the bits of paper stuck to them intently. Then she nodded and pronounced, “Twilight Sparkle and Close Counts. Seven o'clock tonight. Pony Joe’s Doughnuts, Canterlot. High social compatibility.”

“Now, Twilight, there’s one last thing I’ve got to show you,” Close said, walking into the room with Screw-Ball.

“What?” Twilight asked.

“What U-Harmony does to get rid of garbage!” the tour guide shouted. She laughed malevolently as she pulled a lever.

The floor under Twilight dropped away, and she began to scream as she fell into a black void. The rectangle of light above her disappeared, and she hung in blackness. Her perception grew hazy as she struggled to right herself and gather the concentration necessary for teleporation. She flailed, but found her movements sluggish and restricted, and soon she gave up. She ran out of breath, and decided to stop screaming.

The darkness spoke, but the words passed straight through Twilight, all meaning falling away as each syllable faded.

Thou art interfering with her dreams now, too?

Do you regret teaching me how, yet?

We are well beyond that point, to say the least. Dost thou have a plan, or dost thou just make it up as thou goest along?

What's a plan?

That is what we thought. Thou art too cruel to her, forsooth.

Maybe, but she’s cute when she’s flustered, isn’t she?

That, we must admit, is true.

Twilight’s mind filled with the sound of lightly chiming laughter.

Oh, you’ve got it bad.

Perhaps. Still, what didst thou expect? She is just our type.

And you’re just her type, even if she has no idea that she has a type, but it’s so boring if you two just get together.

We never should have let thou talk'st us into this.

You know you’re loving it. I’m just glad we were able to convince Rarity to help.

Do you think that what we are doing is... questionable? In a moral sense?

Oh, definitely.

We do not find that evaluation reassuring.

I’m all about tough love.

We just hope this is worth it. We don’t know what we will do if Twilight Sparkle ever finds out about our hoof in these... shenanigans.

If she finds out, it will have all been worth it just to see the look on her face.

Twilight frowned just before she hit the bottom of the bottomless pit and awoke.

* * *

Twilight Sparkle, thoroughly tangled in her blanket, sat bolt upright in bed. Her heart pounded in her chest. For a moment, she stopped breathing, just listening. A snore from Spike reassured her, and she fell back onto her pillow. The memory of her dream was fading, but what she could recall was less than pleasant. “Well,” she sighed, “there’s another one for the therapist.”

Her Vision, Verified

Twilight Sparkle rolled out of bed and hit the floor with an unceremonious thud. Her eyes shot open, then narrowed as she took stock of her situation and realized that her room was flooded by a frankly unnecessary level of illumination. She might have cursed the sun, if not for the fact that she held its controller in such high regard. Instead, she took a moment to try to convince herself that the fall was somehow intentional, even clever. It was certainly a more effective way to wake up than her alarm spells; judging by the angle of the sunbeams assaulting her, she’d slept through at least three of those already. She groaned and stretched, but only managed to find a less comfortable position.

She’d been having such an interesting dream, too. Then again, that might have been earlier in the night. She frowned. There had been something about falling, and a mare in an extremely distracting costume, and a... money fight? That certainly didn’t make any sense. The details faded even as she tried to recall more, and soon enough she gave up. Twilight had never been one to dwell on dreams, not when there were so many books, which had the distinct advantage of a coherent plot. Well, most of them did. She sighed. The stray thoughts were only keeping her from getting on with her day.

She certainly wasn’t going to get any more sleep with her cheek pressed so thoroughly into the floorboard. Twilight had never been one for roughing it, and the wood was nothing if not rough. She’d definitely have to get up soon, so there was no particular reason why she couldn’t rest her eyes for just a moment more. Her lids fell as their weight grew, and soon enough they closed entirely.

An hour later, Twilight scrambled to her hooves. Her heart pounded in her chest for a panicked moment before she realized that she didn’t have anywhere to be; her presentation had been the day before. She grimaced at the latent nervous energy that lingered in the wake of the adrenaline rush, but resolved to put it to good use. She walked to her dresser and checked her daily list of things to do. The first item was the same as always: ‘Hygiene And Appearance’.

Twilight threw herself into the task with all the energy and enthusiasm of a reanimated corpse. Muscle memory sufficed, though she did at one point catch herself attempting to style her mane with the smooth wooden back of her brush. She was glad that Rarity hadn’t seen that. Rarity already joked on occasion that Twilight didn’t know which end of the brush to use; the last thing she needed was confirmation.

By the time Twilight Sparkle was ready for the second item on her list, her mind was nearly as awake as her body. Admittedly, that wasn’t strictly necessary. By now she didn’t need much mental focus to send for a card from U-Harmony. It wasn’t exactly rocket magic. In fact, she suspected that the very act should cast doubt on the intelligence of any sane pony. She was willing to admit, internally at least, that her obsession wasn’t compatible with complete sanity. Alas, the damage had already been done.

With a shake of her head, the unicorn turned her attention back to business. A spark of magic disappeared into the aether and a heartbeat later one of U-Harmony’s cards appeared. Twilight scanned it quickly.

TIME: 7:00 PM, CST
LOCATION: PONY JOE’S DONUT SHOP, CANTERLOT, EQUESTRIA
REASON FOR MATCH: HIGH SOCIAL COMPATIBILITY

Twilight’s eyes narrowed. There was something about the card that felt too familiar, like she’d read it somewhere before. She just couldn’t place where. She racked her brain for a bit, but she’d never been on any similar dates and hadn’t even been to Pony Joe’s shop since her first Grand Galloping Gala. With a shrug, she did her best to dismiss the thought, though she suspected it would bug her for the rest of the day at least. She continued to the third and final item on her list, ‘Plan Rest of Day.’

“Spike!” she shouted.

* * *

The first thing that hit Twilight after teleportation was the smell. The mouth-watering scent of fresh doughnuts was as strong in Pony Joe’s as ever, and a wave of nostalgia washed over her as she reveled in the sweet air. Then she blinked. She was sitting at a booth; she didn’t remember there being any booths last time she was there. It threw her off, but not greatly. Pony Joe had probably just scrounged up enough bits to finally remodel the place.

The Joe in question was busy wiping down the counter, which was as reassuring as it was familiar; the surface seemed to collect sprinkles as much as Pinkie Pie’s mane. She nodded at him and he waved back. He was the only pony there, other than her. She frowned at the empty seat across from her. Wasn’t she supposed to have a date?

Right on cue, a unicorn appeared with a flash of magic. The white-coated mare blinked listlessly, head tilting, and her close-cropped red mane fell over her eyes. Twilight’s mouth twisted with a mix between pity and amusement; the spell hit some ponies like a ton of bricks.

There was something familiar about the other mare’s appearance. Twilight felt like they’d met before, but she couldn’t remember when or where. The thought nagged at her for a few heartbeats before she dismissed it. She was certain her date would mention it if they knew each other. That is, the mare would mention it if she ever got over the effects of teleportation. Twilight sighed. Best to shock her date out of it, she supposed.

“Hi there!” Twilight shouted in as pleasant a tone she could manage while actually shouting, “Not a frequent teleporter?”

The other unicorn gave her head a shake, then blinked at Twilight for a few seconds. When she’d collected herself enough for the question to register, she said,“Uh, not exactly. First time, actually.”

“Really?” Twilight asked, leaning forward in her seat. “So it’s your first time using U-Harmony, then?”

“Yeah.” The mare’s eyes darted from side to side, refusing to meet Twilight’s. She tapped her front hooves together. “You are my date, right?”

Twilight blinked. “Oh! Yes.” It briefly occurred to her to wonder whether she had always been this rude, but she pushed the thought aside. Extending a hoof across the table, she introduced herself to the other mare with an enthusiastic, “It’s nice to meet you! My name is Twilight Sparkle.”

The other unicorn’s lips twitched upward and she reached out to give Twilight’s hoof a single vigorous shake. “Yeah, you too. I’m Close Counts.”

Twilight suppressed an involuntary shudder when she heard the name. She frowned, puzzled by the unexpected sensation. Where had that come from? Was it the name? Close Counts, Close Counts... there was definitely something about it. Where had she heard that before? Something about it just gave her the creeps, though she could not for the life of her say why. It reminded her of a factory, of all things. Her eyes narrowed as she studied the other mare.

Close, for her sake, merely leaned away from Twilight and glanced at the door. “Is something wrong?”

“Not at all!” Twilight insisted, remembering herself with a start and assuming her best expression of noble innocence. “It’s just that your name seems really familiar. Have we met?”

“I don’t think so,” Close Counts replied.

Twilight put a hoof to her chin, stroking it as she attacked the problem as she would any line of scientific inquiry. “Ever been to Ponyville?”

The other mare merely shook her head.

“Written anything I might have read?” Twilight asked, trying her hardest to suppress the hope in her voice.

Close snorted, her lips twitching with amusement. “Not unless you’re into reading the training manuals for thaumaturgic grenades.”

“No, not yet, but it’s on my list.” Twilight sighed. “I could have sworn I heard your name before, but I guess I was mistaken” She hated being mistaken. It was almost as bad as being wrong.

Close Counts shrugged. “It happens to the best of us. I mean, your name sounds a bit familiar too, but it’s probably just similar to someone else I’ve met.” She adopted a flippant tone as she continued, “It’s just a coincidence; it’s not like you’re some famous hero everypony in Equestria should have heard of or anything.” She grinned, looking quite proud of her little joke.

Twilight blinked. “...Right. Right!” She forced herself to smile. “It’s just my mind playing tricks on me. Sorry about that.”

The other mare flicked a hoof dismissively. “Not a problem.”

They sat there staring silently at each other for a few seconds before Twilight recalled that they were on a date and panicked, filling the silence with the first thought that came to mind. “So you’re new to U-Harmony? You should get out while you still can.”

To her credit, Close Counts barely missed a beat. “Why, so you can keep all the good mares to yourself?” she asked with a wink.

“Ha! Totally.” Twilight rolled her eyes. “I’ll admit that I might be a bit tempted to try if I thought that there were any good mares using U-Harmony. I’m beginning to suspect that there aren’t.”

Close snorted. “I’m not sure whether I should be offended.”

“You’re already above average, actually,” Twilight insisted. She meant it, even if there was still something off about the mare, something nagging at the back of her mind.

“I can only hope you’re not basing that on my obvious physical superiority,” Close replied with a cocky grin, “That would hardly be fair to the others.”

Twilight called upon her considerable reserves of sarcasm. “If only they were all as modest as you.”

Close snorted, then giggled, and finally burst into laughter; Twilight quickly joined her.

When the steam of the shared joke died out and the pair fell silent once again, Close asked, “But honestly, If everypony else is so bad, why do you still use U-Harmony? Why did you start in the first place? It took my boss calling in a favor to get me to even sign up for one date. What got you into it?”

Twilight rubbed the back of her head with a hoof. “I guess this might sound a bit strange, but I’m studying the magical framework; it’s a truly stunning feat of horncraft that’s radically different from most modern persistent interactive spells. Also,” she added, speaking as quickly and quietly as she could justify to herself, “I may have an obsessive vendetta against it.”

Close raised an eyebrow. “An obsessive vendetta?”

“Just a small one,” Twilight Sparkle replied, holding her hooves just a hair’s breadth apart in demonstration.

The other mare grinned. “Is everypony using U-Harmony as crazy as you?”

Twilight snorted a dismissal of the jab. “Actually, most are worse. You’re only seeing the crazy that’s managed to rub off on me.”

“How bad is worse?”

“That...,” Twilight replied, trailing off with a sigh before focusing with a shake of her head. “That is a long story.” She stroked her chin with a hoof, considering. “Then again, it’s at least entertaining. Why don’t I grab us some doughnuts and tell you what I’ve learned about crazy in the last couple months?”

Close Counts reclined in her seat and hooked her front hooves behind her head before nodding at Twilight. “Sounds like a plan.”

* * *

“...And even after that, there was a bouquet of flowers on my doorstep every morning until I was able to convince the judge to enforce the restraining order with magic!” Twilight shouted, throwing her hooves into the air to emphasize her point.

This only served to make Close Counts laugh even harder. She’d long ago collapsed forward, leaning heavily on the table as she pounded it with one arm, gasping for breath that immediately escaped as more mirth.

“At least someone finds my distress amusing,” Twilight observed. Her voice was cold but the subtle smirk on her face dulled its venom. She crossed her front hooves in front of her and snapped at a hovering donut, tearing off a generous section. Putting on the best pout she could muster, she made a valiant effort to bludgeon the decidedly inanimate pastry to death with her teeth.

“Now that’s dedication,” Close said, slowly catching her breath. After a moment and a few silent shakes of her shoulders, she shook her head in disbelief. “You know, I’m almost jealous; I can’t get even one mare to develop a crazy obsession with me.”

“Trust me,” Twilight insisted, “it’s a lot more trouble than it’s worth.”

“I don’t know,” Close Counts said as a mischievous grin spread across her face. “I mean, if I were you, I’d get them both in the same room and watch them duke it out over me. That would would be worth more than its share of trouble. Especially if you could get your hooves on a large enough supply of jell-o.”

“That’s the worst part!” Twilight huffed. “I actually did get a chance to see them in the same room just yesterday, and that’s not how it went at all. You see, I was invited to give a presentation on light refraction magic as a guest lecturer at Canterlot University; I had a new dress made for the occasion and everything. It was going to be perfect, but what did I see when I walked into the lecture hall?” Her voice fell to a growl. “None other than Trixie and Moondancer, holding hooves in the back row.”

Close put a hoof to her face, shaking her head back and forth slowly. “How does something like that even happen?”

“U-Harmony makes it happen,” Twilight replied in the same sort of voice she might have used to tell the other mare something like ‘the sky is blue’ or ‘books are cool.’ “I’ve studied the spell enough to sense the connection that returns ponies home when the date is over. I could feel it on them. I just wish I’d been close enough to snap it and get rid of them, but I didn’t want to cause a scene, though they certainly did.”

“I’m almost afraid to ask,” Close said, but the eager light of curiosity in her eyes and vibrant relish in her voice told a very different story.

“Oh, it could have been worse, I suppose. They weren’t actively disruptive. Still, it was more than a little difficult to retain a scholarly tone and calmly discuss arcane theory with two creepy fanfillies in the back row staring at me pointedly as they made out. They were really going at it! It was...,” Twilight bit her lip and squirmed in her chair, trying to find the right word. “Distracting.”

“Distracting?” Close Counts waggled her eyebrows and grinned. “I bet.”

“Not like that!” Twilight huffed.

“I totally believe you.”

“Fine, maybe a little like that.” She fell silent as she thought back to the sight of the two stalkers practically sharing a seat, their lips locked as each mare ran her hooves over the other’s body. Was it just her, or was the doughnut shop beginning to feel a bit warm?

Close Counts pounded the table with a hoof and Twilight shook her head, shocked out of the recollection.

“Yeah,” Twilight conceded, “Definitely like that. Still, venomous snakes can be beautiful but I know better than to go anywhere near one of them.”

“How about two venomous snakes making out?” Close asked. “Would you go near that?”

Twilight just rolled her eyes.

“Well, I think we’ve all had enough stalking for one night,” Close Counts said. “How about a less creepy topic? Is light magic your special talent?”

Shaking her head, Twilight replied, “No, that’s just a bit of a hobby.”

“Then what is your talent?”

“All magic, actually.” Twilight paused. “Though I do specialize in the magic of friendship.”

Close Counts sat silently for a few seconds, staring blankly at Twilight. Then, with the suddenness of a dam bursting, she let loose a deafening peal of laughter.

Slightly offended by her date’s reaction, Twilight crossed her arms and scowled at the other mare. “Don’t laugh; it works!”

Wiping a tear of mirth from her eye, Close put on a conciliatory smile. “Friendship is good as far as it goes, but I guess I just have too much of a martial perspective to appreciate magic for it. I mean, of the two, light sounds more threatening.”

The opinions of the uninformed often drew Twilight ire, but in this case she found the irony a bit amusing. She grinned despite a lingering annoyance. “Ah yes, I find that most of my opponents think that way, and it’s precisely what I want them to believe,” she said, leaning forward and dropping her voice to a conspiratorial whisper, “They see me as harmless until I have them right where I want them, and then bam! I fill them with the power of friendship and they end up redeemed and repentant. Or turned to stone. I’m not an expert; there are still a few kinks to work out.”

Close snorted, clearly not believing a word of it. “I can see how that approach would be advantageous.”

“So what about you? Is your special talent... what was it?” Twilight thought back. Manuals for something, something military, if she remembered. “Grenades?”

“Nope, it’s actually all kinds of throwing. Watch.” Close’s horn glowed as she flipped a dougnut upward and caught it with her mouth. She turned toward Pony Joe, who was still busy with his eternal battle against the counter. She squinted at the oblivious stallion, then snapped her head forward in a move too quick for Twilight to follow. The doughnut flew across the room in an unerring line toward its intended target.

Pony Joe cried out in horror, then again in confusion as he reached up and found that the impact he’d felt was a doughnut, which now hung from his horn by the hole.

Twilight clapped her hooves together in applause and Pony Joe joined in shortly after, as he realized what had happened. “Well done,” Twilight said. “So you don’t use magic for that?”

Shaking her head, Close replied, “I can, but they don’t allow it in the professional horseshoes leagues, so I learned to do it the normal way.”

Twilight scoffed and rolled her eyes.

“Yeah,” Close agreed, “but what are you gonna do? Fair’s fair, I guess.”

“So you’re a pro horseshoes player?” Twilight asked.

“Not anymore. Turns out it’s easier to get a steady paycheck as a contractor for the Canterlot Guard.” Close Counts shrugged. “I’m following in my father’s hoofsteps, I suppose.”

“He did the same thing?”

“Thank you for setting up my bad joke for the night,” Close said, rubbing her hooves together as a grin of sadistic anticipation grew on her face. “My father was a grenadier. My mother was a pro horseshoes player. My name was the only thing they ever agreed on.”

The attempt at humor was painful enough that Twilight didn’t even feel the impact of her hoof striking her face.

“Nothing?” Close asked with a pout, “Not even a pity chuckle?”

“Your delivery could use some work,” Twilight replied, her voice flat.

“Anyway,” Close Counts continued, “horseshoes will always have a special place in my heart, and two special places on my flanks, see?” She half-stood on the booth’s seat, turning to show her cutie mark over the table.

It didn’t look much like a horseshoe; if Twilight hadn’t been told, she wouldn’t have guessed. To her, it looked like a stylized ‘U’, and she recognized it immediately. Her eyes widened as memories of her dream returned in a rush of sights and sounds and horror. She remembered the waiting room, and the tour, and its guide. Most of all, she remembered the Screw-Ball pony reaching into a pair of hats and predicting the very date she was on. She racked her brain, trying to recall everything she knew about the magic of prophecies and dreams. Her vision blurred as she stared into the distance, eyes unfocused.

“You okay there?” Close asked. “Hello? Did a horseshoe kill your parents or something? Am I just that hot?” She waved a hoof in Twilight’s line of sight.

The reply spilled out in a panicked rush as Twilight Sparkle returned to reality. “I’m really sorry to do this but I have to go. Now.” With that, she disappeared in a purple flash of magic.

* * *

The bell on the door of Pony Joe’s shop rang as Shining Armor walked in. He greeted the proprietor with a courteous nod and made his way to the only occupied both, settling into the seat so recently vacated by his sister.

Across from him, Close Counts rolled her eyes. “My date disappears and the stallion who convinced me to get into this mess shows up. Why don’t I think this is a coincidence?”

“So suspicious!” Shining Armor replied with a grin. “I assure you I had no intention of ruining your date. How was that going, by the way?”

Close shrugged. “I thought I managed to avoid screwing up too badly, but she’s gone now so maybe I was wrong.” She sounded more than a little disappointed by the fact.

“That might not be your fault, actually. It could be that I’m a terrible spy and she noticed me.”

With a long, slow roll of her eyes, Close Counts replied, “Maybe you’d be better without all the loud, shiny, cumbersome armor?”

“Maybe,” Shining Armor said before leaning forward to add in a faux-conspiratorial whisper, “but then I wouldn’t have a good excuse for being a terrible spy.”

“Why were you spying in the first place?” Close asked.

“I happened to see you chatting with a familiar mare, remembered that tonight was the night for that favor I called in, and put two and two together.” Shining Armor’s tone had a forced casualness to it that set Close Counts on edge.

“Familiar? How do you know her?”

Shining Armor rubbed at the back of his head with a hoof. “Well... here’s the thing: she’s my sister.”

Close Counts raised an eyebrow. “You set me up with your sister?”

“I didn’t know about that... particular detail until just now.” He frowned. “I was simply following orders, and that information was not related to me in the briefing.” He muttered a few dark words under his breath, but Close didn’t catch them.

“Orders from who?” she asked.

“From the only pony I’m afraid to even consider disobeying.” Shining shuddered.

Close leaned forward in her seat. “Celestia?”

Shining Armor shook his head. “Worse. My wife.”

Her Nefarious Nemesis

TIME: 2:00 PM CST
LOCATION: MUSEUM OF MAGIC, CATERLOT
REASON FOR MATCH: INTEREST IN MAGIC AND ITS APPLICATIONS

A mage! Twilight Sparkle was ecstatic; how could a fellow practitioner of the arcane sciences be a bad match? Well, there was that unfortunate incident with Moondancer. Twilight dismissed that as a fluke. Her bad luck had to end some time. At least, she hoped so. Perhaps she would finally have somepony willing to discus the subtler aspects of magic theory. The unicorn sighed wistfully. She was finally looking forward to a date, instead of dreading it like she had with most of the others.

For once, Twilight didn't put too much thought into her appearance. She knew that any pony of magical inclination would care about her knowledge, not her mane. At least, any that she would want to associate with. The mare idly hummed a cheerful tune as she studied the morning away; when the time came, the teleportation took her by surprise.

***

After the flash cleared, Twilight Sparkle looked around. She was in one of the familiar marble halls of the Museum of Magic. Trips to the museum had been a favorite weekend activity for the mare, before she took up residence in Ponyville. The displays around her were all concerned with the magic of illusion or items enchanted with tricks of light or appearance. It reminded Twilight about her refraction research and the upcoming presentation, and she wondered if her date would be interested in hearing about it. Where was the other unicorn, anyway?

Twilight looked around, and her gaze immediately fell upon a mare. She simply stared for a few moments, then turned around, looking for somepony else. Anypony else. She had no such luck; she was alone in the museum with.... the librarian sighed. With Trixie. Even from behind, the magician was unmistakable. The hat and cape were a dead giveaway, identical to the costume that she had worn to preform in Ponyville. The self-proclaimed great and powerful mare was busy examining herself in the largest of the magic mirrors in the exibit hall. It hadn't been there the last time that Twilight visited; she wondered briefly what it did.

The purple unicorn considered just teleporting away to escape another inevitable bad date. It would be so much easier that way. She dismissed the line of thought. She was in too deep, now. It had become personal. U-Harmony just wanted to break her will, to make her give up, to watch her fail. Twilight couldn't give it that satisfaction. Her eyelid twitched. She would show that dating service that it couldn't get the best of her; she would get a good match eventually. She just had to pony up and keep trying. Maybe she had been wrong about Trixie. Was there any reason not to give her another chance?

Something within Twilight wondered briefly if U-Harmony had already succeeded in destroying her sanity.

The librarian trotted toward the showmare, seeing how close she could get to the mirror before Trixie noticed her. Twilight stopped just behind the other unicorn and tried to think of a way to greet her, nervous despite her resolve. "Uh. Hello again, Trixie. I see you replaced your, um, outfit. What enchantment does this mirror have?"

The magician looked over her shoulder, and gasped when she realized precisely who was addressing her. She turned to face Twilight and frowned. "Twilight Sparkle. The Great and Powerful Trixie's old arch-nemesis. Have you come to get your revenge on The Great and Powerful Trixie?"

Twilight blinked and tilted her head questioningly, "Arch-nemesis? We only met once. We barely spoke. What is there for me to get revenge about? And how do you know my name? Ugh, never mind," Twilight sighed; this was going about as well as she should have expected, "I'm here for the date, Trixie. U-harmony." At least the purpose of the mirror had become clear: it showed a giant image of whatever was closest to it. Trixie had been admiring her own face. When the blue mare had turned around, the image changed. Easily four ponies high, the reflection of Trixie's hindquarters loomed behind the showmare. It was distracting in a way that made Twilight Sparkle extremely uncomfortable. She struggled to maintain eye contact with the other pony.

If Trixie had heard Twilight's objections, she didn't show it. She just grinned and spoke much louder than was strictly necessary, "The Great and Powerful Trixie knew that you could not resist her charms for long! That you'd come running back to beg for The Great and Powerful Trixie's forgiveness... and affection!"

"Trixie, this is a blind date. I couldn't have known it was you," Twilight said, her voice flat with weary cynicism.

The other mare was not put off in the least. "Then it is fate that brought us together. The Great and Powerful Trixie is the only unicorn that is equal to your magic, Twilight Sparkle! Clearly, we are a match in more ways than one," she said, nodding in agreement, presumably with herself.

"You can drop the stage act, you know. It's not like there's anypony else around," Twilight said, eyes darting to the mirror to watch as Trixie idly shifted her weight from one hoof to another and back. The librarian bit her lower lip subconsciously as she stared.

"What act?" Trixie asked, seeming genuinely curious.

Twilight's gaze returned to the other mare's face and she sighed again. "Well, whatever. I'd like to get to know you better. Whatever else you may be, Trixie, you are a great magician, and we didn't get a chance to talk shop when you were in Ponyville," she said. She forced herself to keep focusing on the other pony's eyes.

Trixie leaned forward, and she spoke seductively, "Yes, The Great and Powerful Trixie would also like to get to know you, Twilight Sparkle. Every inch of you."

The librarian wondered if the other pony was even participating in the same conversation as her. "That's not exactly what I had in mind, Trixie."

The showmare seemed to hear exactly what she wanted to hear. She waggled her eyebrows suggestively, "Your place or Trixie's?"

Twilight stomped a hoof in frustration, "And that's my limit for actually trying on this date. I can't tell which end of you is the bigger ass! It's not worth... I... why do...? Ugh. Just... Goodbye Trixie." She shot a final glare at the other mare's reflection, then turned and trotted away. She would enjoy the museum on her own; she wouldn't let Trixie ruin the day for her.

As she left the illusion displays behind, the librarian heard desperate yelling from behind her, "Wait! Don't you have any sense of foe-yay? Please come back. Trixie is so lonely!" Twilight studiously ignored the calls.