Anger Without Passion

by Befallen Tragedy

Rating: teen
Tags: Tragedy
Length: 7456

Sadness is only anger without passion.

My life is going nowhere, let's face it. I have a dead end job, I never sleep in the same place, I've alienated all of my friends…I don't need any help, any sympathy, or any charity. What I need is someone to believe in me.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2013-01-07 16:20:02 UTC

Passion

Rescue Squad, what a joke. Trust me, I get it, I’m not good enough to be a weather pony.  Poor little orphan Scootaloo with her lame wings and distant attitude needs to be cared for, oh we need to stick her with a nothing job and tell her that’s where she’s actually useful.

Sometimes I hate this freakin’ town.

I sigh and run my hoof through my magenta mane. Not exactly the best color, ponies tend to not like that color for some reason. Maybe they think its dyed, maybe they think magenta should just stick to eyes and not manes.

I slowly lift off from the ground; ahead of me is another day of rescuing cats from trees and helping the foals fend off bullies. Here I thought that some day Rainbow would see my worth and give me some awesome job….nope. Guess I’m just Safety Squad Scootaloo.

“Mornin’ Scoots.” Applebloom walks into the barn. Celestia how she’s grown. Tall, strong, beautiful…whoever gets that mare in their herd is one lucky equine.

“Hey A.B.” I try to act nonchalant, but frankly I can barely hide the excitement from my voice. I’ve had a crush on her since we left school, since her family gave me a simple job, steady pay, and a place to stay. Since I realized what an amazing mare she is…I owe her my life, I only hope that one day I can pay her what I owe.

“Y’know, y’all can come and sleep in the house if y’want.” Applebloom smiled and finished tying the bow in her mane with her teeth. I try not to think too much about her, I would hate for my thoughts to go to certain places with her in the immediate vicinity. “You know yer practically family Scoots, no need to sleep like livestock.”

“Oh I would love to Applebloom, but I’m sorta impulsive and would hate for you to wake up with me hovering over you or on top of you, so sorry.” I wanted to say that, I really did, but my logical half tore me away from that train of thought.

“You know how it is Applebloom,” I force down the blush that I feel creeping up my orange face; jeez I’m a wreck around her. “Hard day of work, I just kinda stay where I fall.” That is more the truth than she realizes, I fell after I left Sweet Apple Acres. I fell to the bottom of the social and economic ladders and have stayed there ever since.

“Well…alright. Have a good day.” Something about the way she said that…almost like she was disappointed. Then again, I would be disappointed in me too if I was her.

I fly out of the barn, that now ten year old barn. I remember when the Apple family first raised it; it was the day of the Pinkie Pie invasion. Ugh, such a weird day that was.

I struggle to gain optimal altitude. My wings aren’t exactly the strongest, they never have been. I didn’t learn to fly until I was almost fifteen, even then I could barely glide. The doctors always told me I had a congenital muscle defect in my wings; they said I would never fly quite as well as I should. That hurt, a lot. After all, it was my dream to be another Rainbow Dash: fast, strong, awesome. Instead I’m slow, weak, and a loser. I suppose we can’t always live up to expectations.

As I fly across the orchards of Sweet Apple Acres Big Mac and Applejack wave and say hi. They’ve been like the guardians I never had, now Applejack is somewhere in her early thirties and Big Mac is in his late forties…so they are kinda like my parents if you get down to it. They’re the right age.

Then, past the east orchard, there is a lone tree. Underneath it rests four graves, I know them well. Two of them belong to the parents of Applejack, Big Mac, and Applebloom…their names aren’t on the gravestones, it just says ‘Ma’ and ‘Pa’. So I don’t know their names.

The other two graves are more recent. Granny Smith is one, she passed away about six years ago. Not only did the whole Apple Family come together for the funeral, but all of Ponyville and most of Canterlot came as well. As it turned out, a lot of ponies were affected by Granny Smith: Her family developed modern day orchard planning; they pioneered seed storing, and even set up Canterlot’s famous market. The funeral was paid in full by an anonymous benefactor.

The last grave is not as important to the world, but was a personal tragedy for the Apple family. Wynona died a few years ago at the ripe old doggy age of sixteen. Applejack and Big Mac mourned for weeks, the dog was their parent’s last gift to their children before they left for their fateful trip to the Macintosh hills.

I sigh at the memories. Too many good creatures have died before their time was truly up; I think that’s the very definition of a tragedy: something not just being taken, but being ripped away and leaving a hole that can never be filled. Celestia knows I’m just one big tragedy at this point.

“Hey squirt!” The voice nearly makes me fall from the sky, it’s a voice that I know well, It’s just that I don’t deal with surprises well when I’m flying.

“Rainbow, you scared me!’ I regain my form, lifting gracefully on a thermal up to where my hero rest on a cloud. “You know I hate surprises…” As soon as I land on the cloud I give the sky blue mare a punch on her shoulder.

“Yeah, yeah. I know, but hey, look at it this way: your surprise is that you get to talk to the coolest pegasus in all of Equestria.” After all these years she can still pull off that cocky smile and attitude perfectly.

“Lucky me, huh…?” I give her my best smile, the best I can manage. Her blue wing drapes over me, Twilight thinks it’s her maternal instinct kicking in. The egghead said that because Dash never had any foals, that she lets all of those instincts flow onto me…I guess Twilight thinks that will make me feel better. It doesn’t. Rainbow Dash is one of the few pegasi to ever connect with me…she’s the closest thing I have to family, yet we’re both so distant.

“You got it, Scoots.” She winks at me, again drawing out a weak smile. “I was thinking I’d join you on patrol today. How’s that sound?” When I was little, this was my dream, my only fantasy. Rainbow Dash wanting to hang out with me all day, now it only issued a feeling of weakness, like she thought I couldn’t handle such a simple job on my own.

“I can handle it Dash.” I lean up against my mentor and feel a sigh emanate from her chest; she knows what I’m going to say. “Plus, you have more important things to do. The weather-”

“-Won’t start itself.” Again another sigh, but this one deeper than before. “Mind thinking of another excuse, Scoots?” I flinch at that, it’s not often that Rainbow scolds me, but when she does it really gets to me.

“I…” I try to think of another excuse, anything, but no matter what; I know she’ll see through them all. “I’m not a foal…” Is all I manage to mutter. But, judging by the sad look on her face and the feeling of her wing lifting off of me, I think she got the message.

“I know…I just thought that maybe…” I have Rainbow Dash mumbling, it’s the first time I can ever say that, and it feels good. Knowing that just for one singular moment that she’s not as invulnerable as she wants everypony to think…I…something snaps in me and I just let loose.

“You thought what?” I practically yell at her, but I can’t stop. Twenty years of ponies feeling sorry for me and treating me differently is bubbling up like a volcano and I can’t stop it. “You thought that poor little Scootaloo can’t handle the busywork you gave her, is that it?” I roughly push the only mare that has truly ever cared for me away.

“No…I…” I can see it in her eyes, she wants to break. Rainbow Dash would never expect to be scolded by the shy little Pegasus who had everything spoon-fed to her.

I don’t let her finish, why would I? She’s going to try to sympathize with me…but I don’t need sympathy, I’m sick of it. I quickly turn around and jump off of the cloud, gliding away. Rainbow Dash’s next words are lost on the wind.

The rage slowly fades, and slowly gives way to sadness and guilt. I shouldn’t have yelled at her, it was wrong. She was only trying to help and I pushed her away and probably drove an irreparable rift between us. Only then do I truly get what Twilight used to tell me: ‘Sadness is anger without passion.’ My passion has faded and anger degraded to sadness.

Instinctively, I start into a slight dive and head towards the library. Twilight has been my unofficial guidance counselor for the past ten years. It all started when I was running away from some of the schoolyard bullies who called me a chicken…I ran into her, she saw I was crying and took me to the library to talk. Ever since then, if I needed to blow off some steam or just talk things out, Twilight would listen.

I ignore all of the other ponies on my descent, they all say hi but I just look to my destination, to my salvation.

I see Spike on the stoop of the library. The little dragon hasn’t grown much in ten years, Twilight said that it’s because dragons have such a long lifespan that Spike is barely a little kid even though he’s close to twenty-three years old now. It’s likely, Twilight says, that he won’t be an adult until we’re all dead and gone. That’s just how dragons are.

“Hey Scoots.” Spike’s reptilian tongue slithers out with each letter S he utters. The thing creeps me out, but also makes me a bit curious if anypony has ever had a relationship with a young dragon just for that long tongue….and that thought give me the shivers.

“Hey Spike, is Twilight here?” I’m quiet, too quiet. He notices the obvious sadness in my voice, but doesn’t say a thing. The little dragon knows when he’s needed and if he’s not, knows who to send you to.

“Her room, writing.” The little reptile gets up and opens the door for me like a true gentleman, amazing what growing up in Canterlot will do to a dragon.

The library hasn’t changed much, there are some new shelves but that’s about it. The faded spines of books peak through the dust laden sunlight of the morning, worn rugs and wooden tables create a veritable time capsule from ten years ago. Faintly, I can hear Twilight’s voice coming from upstairs, so I follow it.

As I draw closer to Twilight’s room, I can make out what she’s saying. She’s saying what she’s writing for prudence, to make sure that her thoughts match up with what she is writing.

Right outside of her door, I feel like I should leave her alone. After all, she’s writing her life story, and I would rather sit and listen anyways. Right now she’s reciting her and the other elements’ struggle with Nightmare Moon. Sure, I know the story, I was there. But the way she describes it, her colorful and elegant language just makes me want to sit and listen.

My own problems get the best of me; I slowly push open the door with a tentative hoof. My voice, when it comes out, is quiet and barely audible.

“Twilight…?” She hears it apparently because she turns around. We both just…wait in that state of limbo for a few seconds. She looks me over, then trots over and gives me the hug I so desperately need.

I hug her back and bury my head into the crook of her neck and just cry. I let it all out, everything. I feel her coat getting wet with my tears, she doesn’t push me away though, and Twilight simply pats my back and strokes my mane.

“Mind telling me what happened…?” Her voice is soothing, like a dove’s coo. It calms me down just enough for me to talk. My voice, when it comes out again, is shaky and weak.

“I…yelled at Dash.” Twilight lets me go and wipes my eyes; the mare gives me a kind smile.

“Come on, let’s sit down.” Twilight leads me up to the second level of her bedroom, sits on her conservatively made bed and pats the spot next to her. I take the cue and sit beside her. “Now…slowly, explain what happened.”

Just as she instructed, I tell her what happened. How I finally snapped and yelled at Rainbow when she was only trying to hang out with me, how bad I feel about it. The whole time she just keeps up that knowing smile, that…motherly grin.

“It’s alright Scootaloo.” Once again, she hugs me tight; I can’t escape the feeling of calm that washes over me when she does that. “I think it was just the final straw. All of those years of idolizing Rainbow Dash, just to learn that you will never be like her…well, it took its toll on you. Now that she’s trying to connect with you, you feel like she’s patronizing you. It’s perfectly natural.” She’s right, heck she’s always right. It’s the reason I come to her, she knows exactly what’s wrong.

“Why do I feel so bad about it then…?”  It’s eating at my soul, how I shouldn’t have been so mean to her, my hero.

“Because you still idolize her…just like she idolizes you.” The quizzical look on my face is obviously anticipated. “Let me explain, she sees you as a little sister or a daughter, we’ve talked about that before.” I nod; we did when I talked to her the other day. “She wants to impose her maternal instinct onto you, she wants you to accept it but since you only see it as alienation, it hurt her badly.” Once again, she’s right. I can see her wanting me to accept her as a mother figure, but I just keep holding her at a distance. “And…and she’s going to be pushing more.”

“What do you mean…?” By now I’m laying on her bed, her hoof idly stroking my mane. I don’t want Dash to push more, it will just be met with the same by me, and we don’t need a bigger rift between us.

“Her reproduction cycle is coming to an end, she knows it, and she can feel it.” It’s true; Dash and most of the elements of harmony were or very close to forty years of age. Most of them had foals, or had adopted some. “See, I got my…desires out of the way early on. Spike is my son, I raise him and nurture him, Dash has no one to nurture or raise, she wants you for that…but then Dash sees me with you and it just makes her try harder, she thinks you’re going to pick me over her and she’s trying to compensate…” I feel bad, worse than when I came in. I’m pushing a desperate mare farther into desperation, farther into hormone induced emotions. For once, I can save my hero, for once I can be her hero.

“I need to go talk to her, don’t I?” I sigh and sit up; Twilight used her hooves to smooth out my ruffled feathers. I hope to Celestia that she doesn’t know wings were a sensitive spot on pegasi, because if she did…this is a whole lot more awkward.

“Well I think it would be for the best. But what do I know; I’m just a unicorn with a degree from Princess Celestia herself and a best-selling author.” I accompany that with a giggle from and she does the same with a smile. “Go on then, I need to get back to my writing.”

So I get up, give Twilight one last hug, then left. On my way out I give Spike a hug and tell him Twilight said it would be okay for him to go see Rarity. Sure, it is a lie but it won’t hurt anypony and will make the little guy happy.

My next step is to find Rainbow Dash, wherever she may be. Once again I struggle to lift off and gain altitude. Taking off is the hardest part with my defect, it requires the most power and coordination. After that, it was all about gliding and the occasional flap to stay on course.

First I point myself in the direction of Rainbow’s cloud mansion, but decide against that. Rainbow Dash would not go to her house, it would be too obvious. She would go somewhere to calm down; somewhere ponies would leave her alone.

Sweet Apple Acres.

That was it, when she wanted to nap, relax, or just be left alone, she went to the southern orchard and slept in the biggest tree with the longest branches. The Apple Family often left that tree alone due to fear that they would wake a tired or upset Rainbow Dash.

So that’s where I head. I pass over Ponyville, waving idly to anypony that may acknowledge me. I pass over the Apple Family’s personal graveyard, said hi to Applejack and Big Mac, and finally reach the southern orchard. In the middle of all the apple trees stands one larger than the rest. Barely, just barely, I can make out a rainbow tail hanging from a branch.

I glide over to the tree and hover just above it. There on one of the top branches is Rainbow Dash, laying on her back with tears occasionally rolling down her cheeks. The hollow pain from earlier is coming back, eating at my soul again. I lower myself onto the branch just above hers.

“What did I do wrong…?” She’s talking to herself. “I try to help her, I give her a job, try to help her…I just don’t understand what went wrong…” She sobs when she takes in her next breath, I flinch. I feel that it’s my duty to say something, so I do.

“Maybe she doesn’t want any help…” I didn’t want to say that exactly, I wanted to say I’m sorry, but I obviously still have some latent hostility.

Her magenta eyes open and stare into my own. She’s surprised, more than I thought she would be. Quickly, she stammers and nearly falls out of the tree, but Dash catches herself and sits up straight.

“Scootaloo! What are you doing here? I thought you were on your patrol…” Rainbow coughs and clears her eyes; she is obviously ashamed but won’t openly admit it.

“I thought I might find you and apologize.” I look away, avoiding her curious gaze. “I’m sorry for what I said, I just…I don’t like to be thought of as helpless, and you wanting to come on patrol with me, it made me feel like you were trying to do it for me…” ‘The truth hurts’ is the saying I think, I’m not entirely sure if whoever said it meant the truth hurts the teller or the receiver, but the truth hurt me more than her. I can guarantee that. Admitting my own weakness made me feel vulnerable and exposed.

“Don’t be, it’s my fault…even if I don’t know what I did wrong.” We both sigh, me out of relief that she is still herself; her because she probably honestly doesn’t know what she has done wrong. “I just want to help you, y’know? I mean…you’re my biggest fan and I just want the best for you. I don’t really mean to suffocate you…” Not much of an apology, but it will do for me.

I decide to take her statement not at face value, but what lay underneath the surface. Maybe my next words I’ll regret someday, maybe I’ll regret them after they come out. Only one way to find out.

“I love you too Rainbow Dash.”

I expected her to gape, or possibly even get defensive. What I didn’t expect was for her to launch herself at me and hug me as tight as possible. I’m shocked; I don’t know what to do. Only a small number of ponies have ever hugged me, the chief examples being: Sweetiebelle, Applebloom, and of course Twilight Sparkle.

“Thank you…” The voice whispers into my ear. I tentatively wrap my hooves around her, a little awkwardly at first. She has hugged me before, but never so…passionately. “I should have taken you when I had the opportunity, y’know that?” In fact, no, I don’t. I have no clue what she’s talking about, but I feel a story coming on. “Years ago, when you were little…the orphanage had an adoption fair. They had too many foals and not enough space, it was kinda like the fire sales the chariot salesponies have.” Yeah, that makes me feel better about how I grew up. “Fluttershy and I visited, she was curious, I saw you…and for an instant I thought about it. I thought that I could settle down right then and there with a foal, give up on the whole Wonderbolt thing.” Rainbow sighs heavily, lets me go and turns away. “I pushed that idea away. What a fool I was, thinking that a second-rate pegasus with an attitude problem could be a Wonderbolt…”

For the first time, I now understand a lot of things. Like why she tried so hard to be a Wonderbolt when she was younger. Rainbow’s stubborn and didn’t want to back away from her decision; she wanted to think that she made the right one. Now she regrets it.

“It’s not too late…” I will cheer her up, I will. It’s my job as her biggest fan, it’s my duty.

“W-What?” I smile at her confusion, sometimes it’s the little things in life that can make you smile. Just then, rain started falling. The raindrops splatter on our heads after they make their way through the canopy above us, scheduled rainstorm, ten in the morning.

“I know I’m too old to be adopted, but you’re never too old to have a mom.” Rainbow’s face lit up like a fireplace during Hearth’s Warming Eve. I can tell I said the right thing, she hugs me tightly again and doesn’t let go this time.

“Thank you…so much.” I can’t tell if she’s crying because of the rain, I can just tell that for the first time in a long time, this mare is truly happy.

Just then, somewhere not far off, lightning flashes through the sky and a thunderous crash follows it. The sound wave shakes the tree and shatters the glass in the Apple Family’s house. That strike was way to close to a populated area and we both knew it.

“I need to supervise; Scootaloo get to Applejack’s house…make sure they’re all alright.” Without another word she’s out of the tree. I’m about to dive out of the tree and speed off to the house when I see her look back at me. “Be safe, okay…?” I nod as she leaves a rainbow wake, knowing that I have to be careful now that I have something to live for.

When I make it to the house, it’s alright. Well, aside from the shattered windows. The barn is another story, it’s in flames. The place I woke up from just a few hours ago is up in flames. It’s a little eerie, but I can’t dwell on that. One of the family members may be in there and as the only member of the Rescue Squad; it’s my job to save them.

Applejack is at the barn doors, Big Macintosh lay a few feet away on the ground. My guess is that he was near the barn and the shockwave knocked him out, but that’s only a guess.

“Scootaloo!” Applejack calls out to me, obviously something bad happened, and she has tears in her eyes. “Applebloom’s in there! Sh-She was cleanin’ up the pens when the lightnin’ hit!” I immediately know what I have to do, no other option, no other alternative. I have a debt I need to repay.

My mind goes back to what Rainbow Dash taught me about dealing with disasters, I never really thought I would have to use them…what were they?

1: Observe the situation.

I rise from the ground, I don’t notice the pain or struggle, Applebloom is more important. The barn is burning from the roof, that’s where the bolt hit obviously. That wasn’t good though, it means the burning debris would be raining down on anyone inside.

Look for an entry point.

If the barn doors were an option then Applejack would already be in there. Must be debris blocking them, smoke is pouring from the coop on the top level; the only other option was the burning hole in the roof.

Get in, save who you can, get the buck out.

So, I descend from the hole in the roof into what can only be described as hell. Flames lick at my wings, putrid smoke burns my eyes and lungs, but I force my eyes to stay open and my lungs to keep breathing.

Through the thick haze of the smoke I see a familiar yellow form laying on the ground with a load balancing beam on her. My breathing becomes shallow and my eyes start to water. I’m not sure if it’s from the smoke or I’m starting to panic.

“Applebloom!” I land beside her as I cough out her name. Unresponsive. I’m not too sure if it was the lightning strike or the beam falling on her that did it, either way I need to save her pronto.

The beam is too heavy for me to lift, only the combined strength of Applejack and Big Mac could move that beam effectively. Applebloom is trapped and that beam could catch light at any moment. I close my eyes and try to think.

“C’mon squirt, we can do this together.” The voice snaps me from my thoughts. It’s Rainbow Dash. “She won’t save herself will she?” This was my plan, save the damsel in distress with my…well…my new mom.

“Right.” I nod my head and narrow my eyes with determination. This is my time to shine, my time to show I’m not worthless. We each grab an end and lift, between the both of us we lift it just enough to throw it off of Applebloom.

The next few seconds happen in slow motion. Something cracks above us and I look up, a beam is collapsing on top of me. I see it falling towards me and I know that I don’t have enough time to move…it looks like I’m paying Applebloom in full right now, so I close my eyes and wait for the end.

Something hits me, it’s the beam. I know it is. Instead of hitting the ground full force, it feels like I get clipped and I’m pushed to the side. I open my eyes in time to see something that terrifies me to my core. Rainbow stands a foot away, the beam bearing down on her skull. She pushed me out of the way, she saved my life…

“DASH!” The voice isn’t mine, my voice won’t come out. No sound will, and no tears will come. All I can do is let out a squeak of terror when the beam and Rainbow Dash impact upon the ground. Not many ponies get to meet their heroes in life; I’m one of the lucky ones. Not many ponies get to see those same heroes die right in front of their eyes; I’m not one of the lucky ones.

A dome of purple magic erupts over Dash, Applebloom, and me. Instantaneously I know who cried out Rainbow’s name. Twilight. She’s standing over me, suffocating any fire in the big bubble of magic with smaller domes. She’s crying, not from the smoke though, that much is clear.

“Sc-scootaloo…g-get up….please.” I’ve never seen her this upset, not in all of my years. “Scootaloo!” I jolt out of my supposed stupor and get up slowly. My will is gone, not just my will to get up, but my will to live. “We…we’ve got to get out of here.”

I look at Rainbow Dash, her head under the beam. She’s gone, we both know it…but I don’t want to believe it. This mare inspired me, gave a little orphan hope, and gave me something not many could give: love. Now that she’s gone…I’m not sure what to do. Ponies need heroes and one more hero just died.

“No…” The words come out of my mouth like liquid, taking shape without me forming them.

“What? Not no! Yes! We’ll get Rainbow’s body later, I promise!” Twilight tugs at my leg with a strand of magic, but I don’t budge.

“Rainbow isn’t dead…” I’m not quite sure what I’m doing, I’m a mare possessed.

“Yes she is, you’re dealing with stress!” I know Twilight, I know.

“She didn’t die in here; she can’t…Scootaloo can though.” What the buck am I saying?

“You’re alive Scootaloo! You won’t be if we don’t get out of here though!” Twilight, just teleport us, please. Please stop me before I do something rash.

“Scootaloo is a dead end, she has a dead end love life with a dead end job and a dead end life…Rainbow Dash is a hero.” I know this train of thought, it occurred to me a lot as a little filly and I can’t believe I’m saying it. “The world can do without a Scootaloo…the world needs a Rainbow Dash.”

“Scootaloo, no…” She knows where I’m going. WHY WON’T YOU STOP ME?!

“Transformation spell, switch our appearances, nopony will have to know and the world will still have a Rainbow Dash.” She opens her mouth to protest. “Please Twilight, I can’t lose her…” Twilight shakes her head, thank Celestia she’s denying me, she’s saving me.

“No Scootaloo…” The dome around us collapses and she engulfs Applebloom and me in a sphere of magic. I both hate her with all of my being and love her with all of my heart at the same time.

“LET ME OUT!” I scream and thrash, pounding on the magic sphere and trying to get out. I have no idea what’s going on with me, for some reason I’m more angry than sad…why am I not sad. Then it hits me, my passion is still burning brightly, I can’t be sad.

Twilight stumbles out of the door and drops Applebloom and me onto the unforgiving ground. The stress gets to me, I feel my heart stop and I feel my life fade. I survive a fire just to die in the rain.

--

I awake sometime later, I don’t know how much time later; it could be twelve hours or twelve days. All I know is that it’s dark outside. I also know that my whole body hurts, mostly my right side which is heavily bandaged.

“Look whose awake…” Twilight and she doesn’t sound too happy. “I was afraid you weren’t going to come out of it…” And not mad anymore, this could swing either way at this point.

“Twilight…” It’s all I manage to choke out before I’m launched into a coughing fit. It hurts to breathe, heck it hurts to think. I must’ve taken more damage than I expected in the barn.

“Don’t talk, Scoots…” She strides over to me, a mix of a scold and a sad smile is on her face…I still can’t tell if this is good or not. “The smoke damaged your vocal chords; it will take awhile for your voice to come back to full strength.” So, no talking for however long it takes for my throat to recover. “You’re still an idiot for suggesting the switch though.”

I deserve that. I do.

“It was selfish of you to even suggest that! Rainbow…she gave her life to save yours. What you suggested was sick and twisted…it was disgusting. You were going to…twist it to make it seem like you saved her, you wanted to taint her memory!” I can see the tears in her eyes, and I can feel the tears in my own. I realize why I felt such an internal conflict with that decision…the selfish part of me wanted to be the hero, wanted to be Rainbow Dash. But the logical part, the part that was Rainbow’s daughter, just wanted to hold her body and never let go.

I hang my head in shame; it’s all I can do.

“I…I just can’t believe you, Scootaloo. I thought I raised you better than that.” With that perplexing statement, she was gone.

Her last statement got me thinking about the past ten years…ever since I got my cutie mark, she had been there to nurse my talent and help me along. I slowly realize that even though I grew up in an orphanage, I was raised by Twilight Sparkle. The education system only got me so far, it was Twilight who helped me improve my writing, it was Twilight who helped me read better, it was Twilight who took care of me when I was sick.

She…for her to tell me to embrace rainbow as a mother figure, and for me to ask her to basically kill me…it must have killed her. I…I am selfish, more selfish than I ever realized.

My passion is gone; all that remains now is sadness. All-consuming, soul-deadening sadness.

The next few hours pass in kind of a blur. Applejack and Big Mac came in; they were thankful but equally as sad. Rarity and Pinkie Pie came in together…not even Pinkie’s attitude could withstand the blow of a friend’s death. The usually jovial pony wasn't sobbing, but she wasn't exactly holding it together either.

After that, no visitors for awhile. It’s boring in a hospital, did you know that? I didn't. Every time I have been in the hospital I always had Twilight with me. She would read me Daring Do books or the latest excerpt from her memoirs…but I guess I burned that bridge now.

“Scootaloo?” It’s Spike, I hope he’s not mad at me. “Twilight seems pretty ticked, won’t tell me why though…” I’m not surprised. “But…I know how much you hate this place, so I brought a book to read to you.” Good old Spike, he deserves a struggling word or two.

“Thanks…bro.” I launch into another coughing fit. Ugh, talking hurts so much. No more of it.

“Smoke inhalation, huh?” How does he know? Doesn’t sound like Twilight told him anything. “I gave it to Twilight a few times, it’s murder on the throat, you just need rest.” I know, Twilight told me the same thing.

A few seconds of silence pass, Spike’s no good at one sided conversations.

“It’s an old book...I’ve never read it.’ Surprise surprise, Spike didn’t read a book. “It’s called…umm…” He looks at the cover of the book. “David Copperfield…” He sits on the edge of the bed and cracks open the tome. “Chapter One: I am born…” Something about this makes me smile, maybe it’s the fact of how unaware Spike is about the dreary situation. Ignorance is bliss, as they say.

--

It has taken a few days for my voice to return. Every day since I woke up Spike has come in and read to me that old book he has. Something about him is different today though, he seems angry as he walks in.

“What’s wrong…?” My voice, though recovered, is weak from non-use.

“You…you wanted to kill yourself…” Obviously Twilight didn’t tell him the real story; I hope she will never tell anyone the real story, not even her memoir.

“I wasn’t thinking Spike, I wanted to save Dash.” Celestia, my throat still hurts. It’s like sandpaper against my vocal chords.

“She was gone.” The little dragon hops up onto his spot on the end of the bed. He shakes the thoughts away; Spike is too much of an optimist now to dwell on bad thoughts. “Anyways, Applebloom is finally awake. I’m going to take you to see her…” He doesn’t want to; any foal with a brain can see that. Twilight put him up to this probably. She’s still looking out for me after what I’ve done.

“Alright…” I manage to croak out. I’ve walked around the hospital a couple of times since I got here. Applebloom’s room is the one three down from my own, I walk by it a lot.

Spike helps me out of bed and lets me lean on him. Believe it or not, the little guy is a lot stronger than he looks. We walk out of the room and down the hall to Applebloom’s room. When I went by there earlier the window on the door was blacked out like usual, now they’re unobstructed.

Applebloom looks fine; she’s talking with Sweetiebelle at the moment. Her bright eyes are practically alive with energy, she’s smiling, and her mane…has something added to it. A shock of gray now runs right down the middle of her once pristine red mane.

Spike opens the door for me, and announces my arrival as well. “Looks like the Cutie Mark Crusaders are having a reunion tour.” Both of my friends look at me, then Spike.

“But we’re not a band…” Sweetiebelle speaks first, go figure. She was always the one with the worst filter between her brain and her mouth.

Spike rolls his eyes and leaves, muttering about how the pretty ones are always dumb. Not that I take offense to that, he does seem to have a thing for white unicorns, not orange pegasi or yellow earth ponies.

“That was weird…” Once again, it’s Sweetie’s still squeaky voice that breaks the silence. “Why would Spike think we’re a band…?” Both Applebloom and I groan at our thick friend.

“Hello to you too, Sweetie.” Argh, darn voice. Quit slowly killing me, I want one conversation with old friends.

“Hey Scootaloo, you sound terrible.” An insult with a smile, she is definitely Rarity’s sister.

“Be nice to Scoots, Sweetie.” Applebloom’s twang enters the conversation. “She’s a genuine hero.” Right…I was really hoping she wasn’t going to bring that up.

“Ooh, I heard. It’s not every day that you’re best friend rushes into a burning building to save ponies.” Ponies? Plural? I only rushed in to save one.

“I went in for Applebloom.” I advance farther into the room, trying to shake the nagging suspicion that Twilight is covering for me yet again.

“No ya didn’t Scoots.” Twilight, what did you do? “Ya went into the barn for Rainbow Dash and me.” Crap, that’s what I thought. Twilight, I don’t know what you’re doing…but I don’t like it.

“Right…right…head injury, sorry.” It’s all I can manage to mutter. My brain is racing to figure out what Twilight’s angle is.

“Well, I have to get going. Biig day tomorrow, you know.” Sweetie practically bounces out of the room. Judging from the look apple bloom and I are exchanging; we don’t know that tomorrow is a big day. Must have something to do with her career or something.

“That was really brave of you, Scoots. To come in and save me and Dash.” This is killing me more than my throat…I don’t like this lie. “I…I’m going to thank you, for me and Rainbow.” Dammit, you know that feeling you get after you tell a big lie? That feeling that your own stomach is trying to digest itself? Yeah? Well multiply that by ten for me right now. I’m no hero…I was doing my job and Dash saved me.

“Yeah, no problem…”

“But it was dumb, you know that right?” Wait, what? “Rainbow was already putting her life on the line…maybe she could’ve saved me without losing her life…” My head automatically droops. I see what’s going on, I’m not dumb. What Rainbow Dash did was dumb, just plain stupid even. I could have saved Applebloom without getting hurt, Twilight knows it…but she didn’t want the last thing Dash did to be stupid. She wanted Rainbow Dash to die a hero and me to play the fool.

“Yeah…totally…stupid.” I leave the room, its oozing bad vibes at this point. Applebloom calls out to me, but I’m not listening. I sincerely don’t want to hear it…

“Scootaloo…” Great, the one voice I didn’t want to hear. “Scootaloo, what I did…I did it for the best.” Buck. Off. Twilight.

“For the best? Really?” I spin on my hooves to face her, this mare who thinks she can twist things against me. “You made me kill my hero…for the best?” I’m not mad, I’m just disappointed.

“You have to understand, what Rainbow Dash did was impulsive and ridiculous…if ponies found out well, she might not be remembered as such a hero…” I know she’s right, but I still hate her for it. “Ponies are never remembered as a whole, they’re remembered by key events, by their last moments.” Why is she always right…? “You…you have your whole life ahead of you, Scootaloo. You can be remembered for so much, Rainbow can only be remembered by this…” I turn; I don’t want to hear any of this. It’s blasphemy. “Her funeral is tomorrow…I want you to give a speech if you’re feeling up to it…” After that, she’s gone.

I’m not sure what is coming over me, but I march to my room…and just start writing.

--

The funeral of a hero is always a beautiful affair. I remember Shining Armor’s funeral, I attended it with Twilight after he disappeared during supposed peace talks with the Griffon hierarchy.

There’s a statue of the fallen hero unveiled at the start of the event, it’s always behind the casket just to remind us that in that box is somepony larger than life. Hundreds, maybe thousands of ponies show up, they watch through magical projections cast over the crowd.

Then come the speeches. First the family, of which Rainbow had none, then other heroes. The other Elements of Harmony in this case: Fluttershy couldn’t make it through her first sentence of hers without breaking down, Applejack was stalwart and honest about her friend, Pinkie didn’t show up, Rarity and Twilight shared a speech…stating that they couldn’t come up with the right words separately.

Now it’s my turn. I stand at the podium; my hooves are sweating, tears are fighting to break free from my eyes. I can’t tell if I’m nervous or just sad beyond recognition. Either way I know I have to talk.

“I-I’m no good at giving speeches…” I start out, my voice and body shaking in tandem. “They tend to be long winded and get off topic easily…but here I go.”

--

Dear Princess Celestia:

This week I learned that heroes are meant to be heroes, nothing more. The closer you get to your heroes, the more you try to identify with them, the more you realize that they’re just like us. They’re impulsive, foolish, and will always let you down even if they give their life for you.

Rainbow Dash died for me…no, because of me. If I didn’t go apologize to her, maybe she would have focused on putting out the fire with the rain in order to avoid talking to me. If I would have confessed to Applebloom how I feel about her that morning and skipped work, I wouldn’t have fought with Dash and maybe the barn wouldn’t have caught on fire.

But life isn’t about ‘could’ve been’s and ‘should’ve done’s. Life is about regretting the decisions you made and envying the ones you didn’t. Life is about passion…because without passion, anger turns to sadness.

But we shouldn’t let passion dominate our lives; sometimes you need a friend to grab you tight, slap you, and tell you that you’re throwing your life away. Passion’s only natural enemy is logic, and logic comes from love…so I guess what I’m trying to say is that we all need someone to love us and tell us we’re an idiot.

~Scootaloo