Good Advice?

by SonicRainboomGirl

Rating: everyone
Tags: Slice of Life, Comedy
Length: 4151

Cranky Doodle Donkey decides to open an advice stand so that the good ponies of Ponyville can learn from his wisdom. But has he bit off more than he can chew?

Cranky Doodle Donkey decides to open an advice stand so that the good ponies of Ponyville can learn from his wisdom. But has he bitten off more than he can chew?
Cranky gives advice to both OCs and Canon characters of all breeds.

A collaboration with a few different internet friends- will be updated as it's written. Thanks for reading- if you like this story be sure to thumbs up and comment with what you thought! :) If you'd like to somepony from the show, just let me know!

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2013-01-08 01:50:02 UTC

Razor

GOOD ADVICE?

Cranky Doodle Donkey sat by himself on a park bench, a small hand-made sign at his side that read "Good Advice". Matilda had been talking with him the previous night and noted how wise he had grown, so worldly and good at giving tips. This had sparked a brilliant idea in his head- why not start up a small stand and give advice to ponies? Relationships, health, all those sorts of things! It was definitely a good choice, he really had learned a lot from his days of travel.

Promising himself not to lose his temper (or at least TRY not to lose his temper), Cranky adjusted the sign and looked around at the surrounding ponies. Surely somepony would come talk to him? Maybe he'd even make friends this way! Not that he really cared about friends, but still.

Meanwhile a young, handsome griffin named Razor walked through the town of Ponyville. He didn't really like coming here much, due that well...everypony was taller then him by various margins. In fact, Razor didn't like staying in towns for long period due to this, cause you never knew who was gonna make a comment. But he had his reasons, one was work. Two it was the easiest place to receive mail from his family back home. Three, he had a dilemma on his talons. One that Razor was grumbling, sometimes out loudly, to himself.

"A wedding? Why do I have to go to a wedding? Especially for one of my brothers?" Razor snarled, venting his irritation verbally. In his talon he held a note. "Yeah sure mum, I'll just give good heart warm blessings to one of the jerks that tormented me for most of my life," he thought bitterly, "oh and Razor do try to wear something nice." Razor said in a mocking, mimicking way of a female voice. "I don't even own a suit, and even if I do decide to go buying or renting one is gonna take a chunk out of my income and I got to save up for the Wind Rush Derby 9000!"

Razor sighed and rubbed his beak, feeling a headache coming on. He seemed to be getting them a lot. "Maybe I should see a doctor."

While Razor contemplated his thoughts he noticed something that stood out among the ponies of this town. And Razor knew about standing out. It was a donkey, and an old one by the looks of it. What made Razor chuckle though was the sign.

"Advice. Oh this I gotta see." Razor said chuckling a bit more before heading over. He could use a good laugh, and maybe Razor could just vent more. That's what old folks were for right? Venting anger out and they just give you some mystic mumbo-jumbo that makes no sense.

"Hey pops, never seen you before in this town. So what advice are ya offering exactly?" Razor asked.

Cranky looked carefully over his new companion- a griffin no less. He'd seen many of their kind, usually alright but with the occasional bad temper. He seemed slightly agitated...actually a lot more than slightly. His rude tone of voice was quite appalling and Cranky's first reaction was to feel angry. Taking a deep breath, soon remembering his place, the donkey looked Razor straight in the eye and replied in the most friendly manner possible.

"I'm kinda new here, spent my whole life searching for what lies inside this town. What kind of advice do you need? I'm a pretty worldly mule. You seem a bit frustrated to me..."

Razor chuckled, "Oh you have no idea. My mother wants me too come back home to see one of my brothers get married. Frankly I'd rather be trapped underwater in a burlap sack with nothing but a dog, monkey and snake with me for company."

Cranky chuckled and gestured to the seat next to him, moving the sign. This was the sort of conversation he was awfully good at keeping, and he knew he could really help this young griffin with family issues.

"Have a seat, go on. What is your problem with your brother exactly? Or is it your mother?

"Brothers. Plural." Razor said as he sat down, "my mother is an angel. I love her with all my heart, its my brothers that are the problem. My brothers are evil incarnated, disgusting viles beings that it has been my misfortune to grow up with."

Razor was hyperventillating as he dug his claws into the chair, but he took a few deep breathes and calmed down a bit, "I'm cool....I'm fine."

Once calmed a bit Razor continued, "There is no real love between me and my brothers. They've picked on me and bullied me since I could fly on my own. I won't even go into the number of times or things they did. And my father, ughhhh!"

Razor growled, "My father, he is no help. In fact I think deep down he wanted me brothers to bully me. The only griffons in my family to show me any kindness were my mother and sister, and that didn't help. They just called me a mama's boy!"

Cranky looked sympathetically at his comrade and shook his head. The mule remembered his own days of family troubles when he was younger. This sounded like a really bad situation, especially with the father figure. Noticing that Razor had both brothers and sisters, he wondered if it was a very big family. Cranky shuddered at the thought of having children, especially more than one of them. Not that he hadn't wanted them when he was young, but he'd come to realize they were kind of an ungrateful waste of time.

"So, big family huh?"

Razor nodded, "Two older brothers and a younger sister. Pretty common size griffon family."

Razor was beginning to calm down now, and reached into his delivery bag and pulled out some pieces of jerky from a small pocket where he kept his snacks. "What about you? Got any family?" Razor asked as he started to eat, not caring if him eating a meat product would be awkward or discomforting.

Cranky raised his eyebrows in surprise, he couldn't believe the two griffin parents had remained sane for all that time! He certainly would have gone mad, Cranky was NOT a fan of children. He eyed Razor with disgust as the griffin bit into a meat product of some sort. It was probably made out of something related to Cranky, no doubt. He just barely managed to hear Razor's question and replied with barely any care.

"Me? No family to speak of except my Matilda. They all died off or I haven't heard from 'em in years."

Razor tore a good chunk of his jerky off. He could tell the donkey was not enjoying the sight of him eating meat, but Razor didn't care.

"Hmm, well least you got some. Never good to be alone." Razor said. The griffin took another bite, finishing off his snack, "Mmmm, rabbit. They're pretty good, if you're like me." Razor chuckled slightly.

The thought of eating rabbit made Cranky, a vegetarian, feel a little sick. He tried very hard to remain patient, breathing in a long deep breath and thinking of the freshest lettuce and carrots. Still, the thought of a tiny bunny hopped across his mind once more and he felt saddened again. Cranky decided to try and ignore Razor's rabbit comment and focus on the family aspect again. Matilda was an easy topic to talk about, he loved her so much.

"Well, my Matilda and I met when we were just young things and I've been in love with her ever since. Have you got a fillyfriend, Razor? Or, uh, whatever you griffins call it?"

Razor stiffened and felt like a ton of bricks landed on his head.

"Ehhehehe," he laughed nervously, "uhh sure...why not."

Razor was horrible at telling a lie, and he was sure the incident with Pinkie Pie had been an isolated incident. "Uh, yeah. Sure..." Razor said nervously.

Cranky looked suspiciously at the griffin, he'd lived long enough to know something was clearly up! What an awkward lie, too! Cranky looked Razor straight in the eye and tilted his head slightly for emphasis.

"Really, now. Who's the special girl?"

Blast! Razor mentally screamed. He hadn't thought ahead for this. What was he going to do?! Think! Think! Razor thought, as he tried to think of...something. Oh why did this donkey have to ask for specifics, why couldn't he have done like Pinkie Pie and take it as it was and not ask any more details?

"Uh...she...is...uh..." Razor stammered as he tried to think, and that's when it hit him. "Uh...the hyperactive pink pony girl. I think it's...Pinkie Pie?" Razor said, sweating with nervous energy.

Razor knew he was probably stepping into a dragons nest of all sorts of ruffled feathers, but hey its not like this would get out of hand. After all this was just to cover up this one moment in time, nothing could go wrong. Right? He thought to himself.

"Yeah Pinkie Pie, she and I are going on a..." Razor gulped, "date..."

Now that was close to the truth, but perhaps not the full truth. He did agree to spending a day with the hyperactive pony, but then again he also remembered being squished of air and life at the time. But surely it wasn't a date...just them...doing stuff for a day. That wasn't a date; right!? Razor could feel himself starting to sweat, and he groaned inwardly as he rubbed his forehead.

Cranky's eyes widened in shock- someone could be attracted to Pinkie Pie?! She could be calmed down and civilized long enough to go on a date?! Surely if she had a coltfriend she'd scream it from the top of the Town Hall, something like "HEY EVERYPONY!! THIS GRIFFIN IS REALLY, REALLY CUTE!!". Cranky just couldn't believe that Pinkie Pie, his hyperactive, insane, bounce-off-the-walls friend was dating! And why hadn't he met Razor yet?!

"You're DATING Pinkie Pie?!" Cranky asked, astounded, "She was the first friend I'd ever made in this town- heck, she wont leave me alone to the day! Why haven't I met you yet!" Cranky shook his head in amazement. Could this relationship really last for long? Heck, probably not with Pinkie Pie!

Razor was shocked when Cranky exclaimed his surprise. He covered Cranky's mouth with his claw, "Shhh!" He looked around, making sure nopony heard before taking his claw off Cranky's mouth.

"Sheesh, no need to let the whole world know." Razor said. He actually bought it? Razor thought, astounded that he might have saved himself from some humiliating truths. Razor sighed in relief, when he realized something. Wait...he knows her...oh geez. Razor thought, groaning. This could be bad.

"Uh...well...I don't usually stay in town long so I guess I just...never had time to meet you till now." Razor said, nervous. Really, really nervous. "Anyway...perhaps we could move onto something else. I think you were going to give me advice with my problems with going to my brothers wedding." Razor said, hoping that it would steer the conversation into more...steady grounds. If this got any more out of claw, Razor was sure something would happen. Something that would sure to cause him a headache.

Cranky smiled and put a hoof out to shake, trying to be friendly. Pinkie's colt-friend! A griffin! She truly was strange, but this Razor seemed like a charming young gentlecolt. Despite covering his mouth with a claw. Claws were not only gross, but Cranky was NOT big on getting shut up. Then again, Razor simply seemed shy.

"Sorry to let the whole world know, it's so exciting to meet the griffin that Pinkie's dating! How did you two meet? How did you find one another? Where do you live if you're not in Ponyville much, and now that you're dating her will you move here?"

Such a bashful griffin! He was even trying to steer the conversation back towards the wedding, but Cranky would have none of that!

Oh this is bad. This is very bad! Razor thought in a panic. He hadn't intended for this to happen when he said he was dating Pinkie. He was just trying to avoid the embarrassment of saying he had never had a girlfriend. Ever. But now it seemed perhaps that was the wiser route. Okay...calm down Razor...just...just think! Razor thought.

"Uh...ehhhh...we met at that apple farm place. Sweet Apple Acres. It's a...a rather recent thing." Razor said. Okay....okay good start. Good start. Razor tried to keep his composure. "Uh...I travel around Equestria a lot. Part of my job, I run a small delivery business. Razor's Deliveries, I can get a package or letter anywhere at half the time it takes for others. I am after all the fastest griffon in the world. I don't really know if I'll settle down yet. Eh...what about you...how you meet Matilda?" Razor said, making the guess this Matilda girl was Crankys wife.

At that moment Harvest Moon, delivery pony extraordinaire, landed in the area. She decided to rest after a particularly heavy delivery. She spotted the donkey giving advice and moved to quietly and carefully land behind the Griffon to wait her turn in line! She had some pressing questions and wanted some advice, and the surly donkey looked like he knew his way around the world! Her Momma always did say that if you needed advice you asked an elder!

Pushing her goggles up and adjusting her scarf, Harvest sighed a little bit and straightened up proudly as she waited, though tilted her head slightly. She knew what a lie sounded like, and this Razor guy was full of 'em!

"It's not nice to fib ya know, mister!" she said matter of factly.

Cranky smiled at the thought of his beautiful Matilda, love of his life, as a new pony neared his discussion. He greeted her with a hoof-wave and heard her speak frankly to Razor. Fib? He was lying?

"And what's your name?" Cranky asked the mare, trying to smile. So Pinkie wasn't Razor's coltfriend? What was going on, and how did this new mare know anything?

"My name's Harvest Moon! But feel free to call me just Harvest mister! I'm an over-night delivery pony," she added proudly, "I don't mean to pry, and I've never heard of the mare he's talking about, but I sure know a fibber when I hear one, and if he were wearing pants they'd be on FIRE NOW!" she said and huffed tapping Razor on the beak. "You should respect your elders and NOT lie to them!"

Cranky was very confused, wrinkling his brow and looking over this cheerful and well-meaning pony. Respecting your elders? Cranky fully supported that! But he was still very confused as to how Harvest Moon supposedly knew that Razor was a liar, what was going on? Before he could ponder more, Razor snapped at the mare and yelled,

"And you should just mind your business!" Razor did not need this, but...well he guessed he had no more choice. Razor sighed, "Fine you want the truth, I'm not dating Pinkie Pie. But, I did agree to spending a day with her so I do have a..." Razor gulped nervously, "date with her."

That was it, he was not gonna say anymore on the subject, "Perhaps we can move on?"

"It became my business when you decided to LIE to Mr Donkey to make yourself look cool!" Harvest huffed, "It was obvious from his voice and how his eyes shifted about that he was lying. It's not right to tell lies, even to people you don't know!"

Harvest turned to face Cranky, "And you should really just call me Harvest. See, me and my brother share near identical names and when I hear Miss Moon I think of him." she giggled, moving a hoof to her mouth. "Anyways, I'll wait my turn for some advice!"

Cranky looked at his new companion with a confused grin. She was odd, but he quite liked the way she presented herself. She obviously had a very good heart and cared deeply about her work, which was a great thing to find in such young ponies. Cranky had lived a long time and it was hard to find work ethic in the young ones anymore, in his personal opinion.

"No no, it's fine, come join in on the conversation!" Cranky invited Harvest to speak with them, thinking she might offer some good insight.

Razor groaned, this was getting to be another headache day. He was annoyed.

"Great...can we move on now? I do have things to do." Razor moved a bit from Harvest, taking to just floating a bit in the air. He wasn't in the mood now to be social, but he still wanted advice on what he should do about the wedding invitation. He was still set on just saying no, but who knows maybe the old donkey might say something to change his mind.

Cranky rolled his eyes at the young griffin who was clearly being a bit snotty. Sure, maybe he was just frustrated, but Cranky was not in the spirit to deal with ugly bad moods. He'd promised not to lose his temper!

"Not sure, kid. Where where we exactly?" Cranky asked in a very degrading tone, looking Razor straight in the eye. Hopefully he'd get the hint. Razor sighed, rubbing his head. He had such a headache right now. He took a deep breath, there was no sense it getting agitated anymore, besides it seemed to be making his head hurt more. Maybe he should get that checked.

"Uh...you were talking about Matilda or something..."

Razor seemed annoyed, but Cranky suddenly felt a rush of happiness. His darling Matilda was at home reading a book- she was so sweet, funny, and so beautiful. Even in her old age she still took his breath away. What was it Razor really needed though?

"Oh, that's of no importance. What do you really need from me? Wedding advice?"

Razor sighed and rubbed his head, "I don't know. A big part of me just wants to say no and not go even if my mother wants me to. My brothers just made my life a pain in the rear, but a small part says I should go, if just to make my mum happy."

Razor just didn't want to go. But at the same time it was his family, and to a griffon family was important. Heck, it was as important as breathing.

"I don't really know what to do."

Harvest absolutely had to pipe in with her two cents on the matter!

"I think you should swallow your pride and not be selfish and GO to make your Momma happy! Despite any issues you have with your brother you should support your family! If MY brother got married I'd want to be there for him!" she said,  putting both hooves on the ground, ignoring the Griffons earlier rudeness. "But, of course, me and my brother get along like two piggies in a mud wallow! So, hehe, we've got a different dynamic going on entirely!"

Cranky chuckled at Harvest's words- she had said exactly what he had wanted to in a very outspoken manner. Cranky did wish he had family to see and watching Razor waste his chance to go to a wedding- even for family he didn't like- was heartbreaking.

"Harvest is right, you know. Go to this wedding. If I had a family other than Matilda I'd spend every second with them before they passed away..."

Cranky felt a sudden wave of emotions wash through him, remembering his dearest mother and father. He'd left home and never even spoken to them after he met Matilda, never returned home until it was too late. Cranky's family was already gone...if he'd have had the chance to speak to them or see them once more he might change things...Cranky felt a rush of tears exit his eyes. Everything hurt.

"Razor, I never got to say goodbye to my parents and I never had siblings. Please, do this for me." Cranky wiped a tear away and sniffled, dragging Razor near for a tight hug. He really needed it now.

Razor blinked as he was pulled into a hug. He seemed to get that a lot when he was in this town. Was there something on his back? A hug me sign maybe? Oh geez, sounds like something Pinkie might do. He thought.

"Uh...." Razor said, patting Cranky's back lightly. He thought really hard on it. In fact his brain had a intergalactic, civil world war in doing so on this subject. They had a point, and among griffons family was THE, THE most important thing they could have. Even Razor would admit that if push came to shove, he would risk his life to save his brothers.....and maybe they would do the same.

He bit his tongue, thinking and then finally decided, "Oh...oh okay. I guess you do have a point. Can you....let me go now....please." He said the last part as nicely as he could. He was not much of a hugger...especially in public where somegriffon or pony could see him. It made him a bit uncomfortable.

"Sorry for eaves dropping, but I take it somepony...or should I say somepony and somedonkey are offering some relationship advice?" Willow Wisp, a mysterious black pony with a bright blue mane, had been secretly listening for quite sometime and finally decided to speak up. The spooky Unicorn was good at blending into the shadows, even in the light of day, and that's just where she had been, in the shade of a tree. Though it seemed the Griffon present was looking for a way to get away from the conversation. Perhaps he'd had enough of the free advice about his family troubles.

"If you don't mind, I could use a little advice of my own." She plopped down, sitting on the ground near the bench and let out a yawn. "Sorry, I'm usually not a day-pony...but anyway..." she looked between those gathered. "Care to hear a spook out?"

Harvest stared at the strange pony that just sorta plopped in "...Well maybe you could wait? I mean it would be awful, AWFUL rude if you cut in front of me!" Harvest proclaimed and frowned lightly. "I've been here waiting for my turn..." though she knew she shouldn't be selfish, "...Aw never mind. Go on right ahead..."

"Oh, sorry, I wasn't trying to cut in line," Willow insisted, "But since I heard her giving advice or pitching in I thought she was part of gig." Willow Wisp gave an apologetic shrug then waved her right front hoof dismissively. "Go ahead, you were here first. I actually had been dozing under the trees and woke up when I heard the three of you talking."

Cranky let go of Razor and wiped his final tears away, awkwardly.

"Sorry...you can go now. Er, nice to meet you Razor. Hopefully this isn't our last encounter...?" Cranky said, feeling sorry for himself and the griffin he'd just met. He watched silently as Harvest asked if this new pony, who hadn't really identified herself, could please wait her turn for advice. That certainly did seem fair, after all Harvest had waited a while for advice by this point.

"Uh, yes, I'd be the advice giver here, I'm Cranky. Yes, as Harvest said you'll need to wait your turn. And you are?"

Willow looked between both Cranky and Harvest and with another yawn offered an introduction, "I'm Willow Wisp. I live in that house just outside of town here that's "haunted". Course, only spook in there is the one on my flank. But I've been away on a research project for a few months and I'm just settling back in. Then again even when I'm home most ponies never see me, I'm usually sleeping all day."

Razor was glad the hug was over, "Yeah...thanks. Maybe we will see each other around, and if you ever need anything delivered just let me know or drop a letter at the post office. I find it easier to collect my mail here. Less lines and its a very prominent stopping area for me."

Razor got off the bench and stretched his wings, if he was going to that wedding he had a lot to do. He would skip the suit, he had some pride, but if he wanted to be there on time then he better get flying.

"Anyway...thanks for the advice. See you around." Razor said, running off before jumping into a take off and flying off into the distance. Cranky, Willow, and Harvest waved goodbye. Even though he hadn't been to keen on it, Cranky had just made another friend in Ponyville.