The Equestria Key: Ignota Colonus
by: Anunymau5
edited by: Elwynn13 & Jaico
Act I
Ignota Colonus
"Did we catch the soul?"
"Confirmed. The soul is in our custody."
"Good, activate the Equestria Key"
"Understood."
"Let's pray this works. It's all we have left."
The humming of an idle truck slammed me back to reality and brought me to the fact that I had been dying. I looked around to see a grey truck parked about three feet away from me, blood staining the tires. Of course, it happened to be my blood.
It was always in my blood in these kinds of situations. Granted, these situations usually didn’t end with me dying.
What? It’s my life. I’ll do what I please, even it cripples me.
I had maybe thirty seconds left... forty-five if I was lucky. Not that I was too lucky—the bumper chewed me up and spat me out by the time the truck came to a dead halt. At least the driver pulled up on the side of the road. He ran over and ripped off his blazer, intending to use it to stop the bleeding. He could go ahead and do that. The exterior bleeding wasn’t the problem. It’s the interior stuff that gets ya every time. The man seemed quite panicked. Probably because he just killed someone or maybe this was cutting into some important business meeting. It was a nice blazer and truck.
But I’m getting off topic again, the important part here was me dying. I didn’t feel that scared, probably because of shock but I want to sound manly here so let’s just say death doesn’t scare me. That, and I didn’t really have enough time to get scared. I did have enough time to notice his truck and blazer though, it’s interesting how you prioritize stuff when you’re about to die. I felt my vision grow dim and I detached myself from reality. I thought I had died.
To be honest, you could ask me what happened and I wouldn’t be able to tell you. One second my vision blacked out on that highway and in the next I was floating amongst a sea of stars and other celestial bodies. Thousands upon thousand of galaxies, whole universes even, flowing past me. I had begun to cry from their beauty. That and the realization that I may not be dead. They were so beautiful and the only thing I could think was So this is what death must be like. Not bad. Not bad at all. I could easily have learned to enjoy this and I probably would have if not a sudden blotch of darkness began to envelope the starry field. It was terrifying to see this black void suck up everything around you. Like the closing shot of an old film. I screamed. I screamed a lot.
Visions flickered by. A human fighting a strange, sickle-armed creature. A human bleeding in a courtyard. A shadowy creature controlling galaxies like a conductor. All sorts of weird stuff like that. Then the black void and remaining stars cracked and shattered, pulling me deep down into the bottomless depth of nothingness, leaving me with nothing but my own thoughts.
Then, almost as quickly as I had entered the void, a strong surge tugged at me and whipped me around towards a beam of light.
I opened my eyes and looked around. My thoughts were jumbled and fragmented, although one constant had remained. I exist . . . to some degree at least. I looked over and saw a creature approaching me. It was wearing a strange look on its somewhat elongated face, busying itself with looking around, one hoof prepped up in case it needed to flee, almost as though it didn’t know what I was. If my biology classes taught me anything, it could be considered a quadruped.
Apparently we all become deer people in the afterlife.
The deer-thing, or maybe the goat-thing, walked behind me and pushed me into a sitting position with a slender hoof. Of course her effort was fruitless as I just flopped onto the floor and groaned. Look I had just died ok? I shouldn’t be expected to sit up right afterwards. My arm then began to burn painfully and I cradled it. But I still couldn’t sit up.
It was then when I noticed that the area around me was covered in ancient sigils, runes drawn in chalk, subsequently smudged by me. I actually kind of felt sorry for messing up the creature’s picture.
"Please hold still. You're thrashing around too much for me to be able to help you," the creature whispered. I sort of nodded sluggishly. Well, it was more of a head twitch like when you’re really sleepy and trying to stay awake.
"What happened?" I asked. I had 1.7 billion other questions to ask but that was the first one (And yes, I counted). But I felt a prickling sensation in my face and suddenly my arms exploded in pain as if going through a blast furnace. They didn’t actually explode. But that would be cool.
Everything then faded to black… again.
Chapter 1:
What… I’m a what?
"You find yourself in cold flames, you find yourself all alone."
After possibly pseudo-dying again for the second time in under a day, I awoke to find myself now lying in a forest. It was lush, green, and very... forestry. I rolled onto my belly and pushed myself to my feet. But I instantly fell back onto my rear with a thump. What the... Apparently at some point throughout my metaphysical journey, my hands had turned into hooves. But not the usual cloven hooves one might find on a deer, these were strange, rounded, soft stumps creating an almost egg shape and coated in grey fur. My torso had also been replaced with a... smaller torso covered in similar grey fur. Oh, and a tail and hind legs also coming with their own pair of hooves. I really hope I never end up near a glue factory. Funny story about that actually, but thats for a different time.
"Wait. Hold on, what the hell?!" I was genuinely surprised at the new form my hands had taken. I guess it was all in succession to the horse I had seen earlier.
"Hello?" I called out loud. Then it hit me, the stars, the darkness, the voices, all of it. I crawled forwards and found myself retching over the smooth pebbles lining a nearby pond. Nothing came up and I ended up just resting my throbbing head on the cool stones, a small puddle of drool forming in the corner of my mouth. After spending several seconds in this state, I finally rolled over, everything blurring. I reached a hoof to my head and it came away covered in blood. I groaned again and fell back. Maybe this had all been a hallucination. Hopefully it had been the second one.
The sudden chittering of some hidden animal drew my attention to the forest around me. If I was to understand what happened, I needed to be elsewhere. But sadly I had no clue as to where elsewhere actually was. Other than it was elsewhere.
Right I have hooves. Goddamn hooves and I'm bleeding... still. I thought to myself as I tried again to stand up. But I had learned from my previous mistake and used four skinny legs instead of two. Or at least I thought they were skinny. I didn’t have much by means of reference at the time. So anyways I managed to stand up but it felt awkward and I wobbled horribly.
Well this is just fantastic. I thought as I attempted my first step. Which resulted in me staggering forwards and doing what could easily be construed as some sort of Irish jig meets a rain dance across the pebbles. Yes I still hadn’t made it the four feet forwards to get off this semi beach. I skidded along them before culminating in a clatter at the edge of a pond. Although this had hurt like hell, it gave me a good vantage point to see if anything else with me had changed. So I looked into the waters reflection and saw a pair of golden eyes poking out from under a dark crop of hair and grey coat. Actually it was less of a hairdo and more of a mane. Yeah like the one that horses have. Which would in a way explain the hooves and the rest of the body for that matter. Judging by what I was seeing, I was definitely an equine. Or horse in layman’s terms.
I raised my hoof to brush at my forelock so I could find the source of the bleeding and sure enough, there was a gash above my right eye. Because after being hit by a van driven by a man with a blazer, I ended up with a gash, not even a gash, more like a big cut really. I rolled onto my back and sighed. My voice sounded both alien and similar. It was my voice, just something was different. I couldn’t tell what it was though.
Then I heard the snapping. It was like every bone in my body suddenly shattered. I crumpled to the ground with an almost inaudible shriek of pain while my body twisted and contorted. Strange sigils covered the rocks around me and runes slowly flicked into various shades of glowing blue. The runes danced and flailed around me as I huddled in pain, various voices running through my brain.
Images danced in front of my eyes, people standing around my corpse while the faint whine of a siren could be heard in the distance, the sounds of someone running along a tile floor, various urgent voices talking until a loud crackling drowned out everything else. I heard the sound of glass shattering for a second time that day and hit the ground with an audible grunt. The pain instantly subsiding and replaced with a sort of tranquil calm.
I peeked one eye open and looked around nervously. I had returned to the forest and yet I was now in a different part. Although by different, I had moved about a hundred feet to the left. It was a weird experience to say the least. I stumbled to my “hooves” with a slight groan and stared blankly at my limbs for a few seconds. Seriously I had never thought I would be in a situation in which I needed to learn how to walk again. From there, I began to try moving multiple appendages at once. Left foreleg and right hind leg at the same time. Then the right foreleg and the left hind leg. Repeat ad nauseum.
"Something isn't right. He's not supposed to behave like this."
"Do not worry, dear sister. It is simply the vessel adapting. He should be back to normal in a few seconds."
"But what is he seeing?"
"He's seeing his power. He's seeing his capabilities. The vessel is showing him what it can do."
"Why won't he listen?"
"Because he cannot hear its voice."
Now of course instead of simply staying with the walking like a normal person - er pony, I decided that I would spice it up a little using a very limited knowledge of equine physiology mostly acquired from the pink section of toy stores I used to pass while on my way to get more legos. So I tried jumping, it didn’t work. Then I tried galloping, it also didn’t work. Finally I tried skipping, because I had a strange delusion that equines could skip. Turns out they kinda can but I didn’t know how. Long story short, I wandered away from the beach with significantly more bruises than before. At that time, I had no clue as to why I was leaving the rocky beach, It just made sense to. No reason staying there as it had granted me nothing but crippling pain and several bruises along with some minor teleportation. But I mean, thats nothing compared to what was down the road for me. But I don’t want to spoil anything yet.
Anyways, I was wandering the forest for a few um... minutes? Hours? My sense of time was a bit fuzzy. Transdimensional movement has a habit of doing that. But back to my walk through the forest. Really I had no clue as to where I was going and the fact that I stumbled onto a hut at all was surprising. It was sitting in a clearing with a small fire pit in the center. However smoke was coming out of the hut itself. Was it burning? Was there someone inside? Was it going to turn into a deliverance type of situation? Honestly the last one seemed a tad far fetched but my fear was genuine. Maybe more apprehension than fear. So in all of my classic good ideas, I wandered inside the hut. Don’t ask me why, I had just died.
“Oh hello, how are you? Is it just me or are you new?” asked a strange voice from farther inside the hut. Whatever had spoken to me was silhouetted behind a curtain and I decided to ignore the part of me that was screaming that this was building up to the opening scene of an adult film. Instead I tried to respond as rationally as possible.
“Umm... Hi?” I asked somewhat stupidly. The creature came out from behind the curtain and observed me curiously. It was another quadruped with black and whi- ok it was a Zebra. Forget the annoying description, it was a cartoon Zebra. Well, less 2D, more almost cel-shaded or... Look it’s hard to explain what exactly it looked like.
“So you are new, I say it’s nice to meet you?” She asked holding out a slender hoof. I held mine out in return and sort of knocked it against hers, noting the clear difference in hoof shape and size.
“Uhh... Hi.” I stammered while trying to keep my balance on a tripod of legs. She then lowered her hoof and I followed suit. Better not try to upset the applecart with my ignorance on equine customs.
"Stranger with a dirty mane, whatever is your name?" she asked.
Riiight. What is my na- Seriously what the hell is my name? Oh god WHAT IS MY NAME?! ohgodohgodohgodohgod. Uhhhhh. Say something! Anything!
“Joh-- Dave Gravel,” I replied. Nope not that.
“So let me get this down pat: Joh-- Dave Gravel your name is that?” She looked at me curiously still. Yeah lets just go with it.
“It’s Dave. Sorry I got uh, stumped by the question.” Great job there mate. Way to tell them a name.
“Really you go--”
“I think my co-worker has a toy of you!” I blurted out, cutting her off. Ohboy. Way to go. Just go out and say it why don’t you! Also what is my name?
“I’m sorry, what?” she asked, shocked.
“You uh didn’t rhyme there and I said: I think my co-worker has a toy of you” Really? You’re just making this worse.
She narrowed her eyes at me. “Please explain this toy. It does not seem like a thing of joy.”
“Uhhh, I have to go and uh, not be in this umm, present location?”
“Hold on, little flea, do not leave until you explain this to me!”
“Ok first off, I’m not a po- ok I’m a pony, scratch what I was about to say. Second, the whole toy thing was a joke! Just a stupid little joke? Third, can I borrow that cloak?” I pointed to the ragged brown cloak hanging from a nearby hook.
"I apologize if I gave you a scare, but that head wound needs care!" I jumped. Stop jumping!
“Headwound?” Oh right the whole head bleeding thing.
“Yes come here, there is nothing to fear.”
“Getting kind of redundant with the whole don’t be scared thing.” I wandered back over to her and she pulled out a clay pot and a pile of cloth. Digging through the cloth, she produced a white bandage which she then covered with some sort of sap from a nearby potted plant. From there, she reached her hoof into the jar and it came away covered in a thick greenish salve which she rubbed on the wound.It stung. She then stuck the bandage over the strange goop and left it there.
“Unless you want infections and such, then this bandage you must not touch.”
“Alright. Hey, what’s your name?” I asked. Probably should have asked before she started putting goop and bandages on my head. Common sense is overrated.
“Zecora is my name and don’t worry, I am quite tame.” She gave me a smile and I returned said smile.
“So is there a town or settlement nearby?” Hopefully I could find some answers there.
“Yes there is Ponyville, at the edge of the forest it is just over a hill. Also take the cloak, incase it rains, you won’t get soaked.”
“Thanks!” I chirped as I grabbed the coat and attempted to put it on. Thank god my hooves had that weird magnetic property otherwise I would have just ended up strangling myself or something. Anyways I got the coat on and waved goodbye as I headed out back into the deep woods. I made sure to not get the coat caught on any branches although I doubt it would have mattered seeing as how the coat was already shredded.
Upon clambering through the forest for another expanse of time, I ended up near a small babbling brook. There I sat down and gathered my thoughts. Alright, so I’m a uh “pony” and I just talked to a zebra. Yeah this makes sense. Oh and I died, lets not forget that. So is this purgatory? Stuck as a horse? Honestly, it could be worse. Little did I know that I would get worse. A lot worse.
So I got back to my fee-hooves and stumbled away from the brook, hopefully towards the town she mentioned. Turns out I was right because a few minutes later, lo and behold: I was at the edge of the forest with the town spread out below me. The town was your traditional fantasy town, yellow roofs and wood/brick houses. Town square in the middle with a well. Stuff like that.
Of course I was at the top of a hill which meant I had to go down said hill. Remember I was still new at the whole walking with four legs type of deal. So it didn’t go well and I ended up just rolling down the hill and hoping I wouldn’t become even more bruised.
“Hi! I saw you rolling, was it fun?” asked a squeaky voice behind me. I craned my neck with a groan to see a small pony with a yellow coat and red mane. She gave me a lopsided grin and I tried to force a smile but I think it appeared as though I was baring my teeth.
“Uh hi. Sorry I was bored.” Yeah go ahead and lie to children just continue being a great fellow why don’t you!
“Oh well it seemed fun, are you ok?” She asked. I nodded and she beamed.
“I’m Apple Bloom, what’s your name?” Alright get it right this time, no Johndave Gravels.
“Uh, I’m Ivan Russia?” Really?
“Ooh are you new here?” She asked excitedly.
“Yeah I suppose you could say that. Hey listen, is there like some sort of information centre? Like a library or really smart per-pony I could talk to?” I asked stupidly. Clearly I am not one of the smart ponies she could direct me to.
“Oh I know, you could talk to Twilight Sparkle! She’s the smartest pony I know!” Twilight Sparkle, thats a name my Co-Worker dropped a lot. This should be interesting.
“Alright thanks.”
“My older sister says it’s always important to help those in need!” She said proudly. I smiled and followed her into the bustling town of Ponyville. I walked around in awe of the ponies around me. A few of them gave me strange looks as it was evident that I was new. But I mostly remained unnoticed. That was nice.
“Twilight actually works in a library so there’s both of your problems solved!” Library? I thought it was a tre- ah but thats a TV show! Learn to differentiate from reality.
“Awesome!”
“Yeah I know! Oh hey here we are.” And sure enough, we were. The Library was housed within a massive oak tree and although it was technically a library, it seemed to have a somewhat homely feel about it.
“I don’t think Spike is here right n- Oh hey Rainbow Dash!” She waved to a cyan blur that blasted by. Rainbow Dash? Is that like some sort of temporal anomaly? I mean something that fast cannot be a ho- yep its a horse. I stared curiously at the Rainbow Maned blue creature that approached us with a puzzled look.
“Sup Apple Bloom, who’s he?” She gestured to me. Oh dammit come up with a name! What did you call yourself befo- Holy crap why does she have wings?!
“Well, aren’t you gonna introduce yourself?” Asked Apple Bloom.
“Uh why do you have wings? Horses don’t have wings.” Yep, once again I was making a giant fool out of myself. Well so much for attempting to appear like I knew where I was.
“Uh I’m a pegasus bro. Do you really not know what I am?” She narrowed her eyes at me and crosses her hooves. Trust me, she’s a dangerous pegasus.
“Of course I do Rainbum Blast!” Dash’s eyes widened and she looked petrified for a brief second before her face transformed into an inhuman scowl. Wait she’s already unhuman.
“I’m sorry, what did you call me?” She gritted her teeth. Crap did I get her name wrong?
“Rainbow Crash?” Nope not it. Nope nope nope no- oh and there’s the angry punching. Yep way to go mate. Ow.
I pulled myself off the ground and backed away behind Apple Bloom who looked at me with widened eyes. I mean she didn’t really punch me, it was more of an angry shove into the dirt. But the message came across. Rainbow Crash was not her name.
“Uh sorry, I think I misheard Apple Bloom.” I rubbed the back of my neck and tried to stop shaking.
“What’s your name dude?” She gave out an exasperated sigh. Crap what did I introduce myself to Apple Bloom as? Ehh she probably forgot.
“Uh I’m Tele.. Scope Streetsign?” Yes another faaaaantastic name!
“Your name is Telescope Streetsign? Wow that’s stupid.”
“Better than Rainbo- whatever your name is!” I shot back. Her response was to roll her eyes and sigh. Yep won that argument!
“Hi I’m sorry can I help you?” Asked a calm and curious voice behind me. I jumped and turned around to see a smiling purple unicorn behind me. Well if pegasi exist then unicorns probably do as well. All we need is a griffin and a few norse gods and we’re set!
“Uh yeah, I think you’re the one I’m looking for. Apple Bloom said you were really smart and could probably help me with a problem I’m having.”
“Yeah I think I’m gonna go…” Mumbled Apple Bloom before running off.
“Alright, what seems to be the issue? I can probably suggest a book or two for you.”
“Ok I’m gonna be straight with you. I’m not supposed to be here.”
“You mean in Ponyville? Were you banned or something?”
“No I’m not supposed to be here!” I gestured all around me, “This place with the horses and Unicorns and Rainbang Fasters! I’m supposed to be at my house with a cup of tea which I can hold with my hands!”
“I’m sorry are you saying your from a different country?” She asked.
“Maybe? I don’t know! All I know is I was walking to class and a truck hit me and then I was dying and now I’m here!” I yelled, forcing her to step back a bit with a startled look on her face.
“Um are you sure that the head injury you’ve got there doesn’t have anything to do wi- Oh Spike, what is it?” She turned around to face a small purple lizard thing that had come from the same house as her. It was holding a scroll in its claw which it handed to Twilight.
:This just came from Celestia.” Twilight’s horn glowed and the scroll floated into the air then unfurled, showing long thin letters but none of them seemed even remotely familiar.
“Uh huh, sorry but I have to read this. Oh hey I think it’s about you! Dear Twilight, this is more of a pre-emptive measure but there is a solid chance that a young grey stallion may have appeared in Ponyville. Odds are he will be quite confused about his surroundings and may even be aggressive. Don’t worry, at this stage he’s relatively harmless, I just need you to keep him occupied until I can get there. I’m afraid my sister and I are forced to clear our own mess here. Don’t worry everything will be explained, sincerely Celestia.”
“I’m sorry but who is Celestia?” I asked. She raised an eyebrow at me before nervously looking around and gesturing towards the Pegasus and I.
“How about you come inside before you cause a scene or something. You too, Rainbow Dash, he might be dangerous.”
“Hey I’m not dangerous! I couldn’t even hurt a fly! You do have flies here right?” I complained as I followed the Unicorn into her library. The pegasus was behind me keeping a wary eye on me.
“Sigh… Yes we have Flies here. Do you have a name?”
“No. I’ve made up 3 now. Each one was worst than the last. Actually no if I were to rank them they would be 3, 1, 2,” I rambled on, my nervousness continuing to build.
“Right. Whatever. I’m gonna go ahead and try a spell on you. It’s an identification spell normally used to find out if somepony is using an alias.”
“Som-some pony? You know what nevermind.” Their language was puzzling.
“Alright stand still because this might feel a little strange.” Her horn glowed brighter and a warm purple light washed over me, making me feel content. Her face was scrunched in a combination of confusion and intrigue as the light slowly died and she opened her eyes to stare at me.
“Well, that was uh interesting. Apparently you're both 18 and two thousand years old. So would you care to explain what’s going on there?” Her eyes narrowed a bit.
“Are you sure you didn’t just get the spell wrong? Cuz theres no way I’m two thousand years old.”
“Look, I didn’t get the spell wrong. Or at least I’m pretty sur- no theres no way I di- Do you remember meeting Princess Celestia recently?”
“Who’s Princess Celestia? Can she help me get home?” I asked. Twilight slapped a hoof to her face while the Pegasus snorted.
***
“So, do you understand who Celestia is now?” Asked Twilight.
“Uh sure. She’s the Princess of your whole country. Right?”
“Sigh… Yes, she is the Princess of Equest-Hey what happened to your head?!” Interrupted the Pegasus.
“Uh I cut it on a rock?” Man I was really terrible at this. Not much of a conversationalist.
“Walk much?” She yawned, stretched, and then flopped onto a nearby couch. Twilight on the other hand, wandered over to a bookshelf and started flipping through various tomes, muttering under her breath.
“So what now? Can I go home?”
Twilight groaned and threw down a book.
“Look Mr. Streetsign or whatever your name is, I’m supposed to keep you here until Princess Celestia arrives.”
“Can she send me home?”
“Sigh… I think you are home, you just might have some memory damage or so-” Suddenly she had gone silent and stared at me in shock.
I opened my mouth to ask what made her become mute only for a cascade of pain to wash through my body. Causing me to fall to the ground screaming as every nerve in my body burned. As if I was skinned and then rolled in salt. I reached out a desperate hoof out as everything became decorated in runes like before.
"Please help..." I croaked out before contorting as another burst of pain fireworked through my head. Someone somewhere was offering me comforting words and I felt a hoof on my back, but this was overshadowed by the pulsating agony which began to have emphasis in my left foreleg. I pried one eye open and watched as large gashes carved themselves in my arm.
A collection of symmetrical spirals and non-euclidean geometric shapes decorated the hide in blood and ripped skin. I watched as the trenches in my arm filled with some black, oily substance that smelled of rust, leaving a strange and elaborate design decorated on my left foreleg. Large gaps dotted this design, some appeared to be intentional as though something was supposed to be there. Others appeared to be a simple design mistake. It was in every sense however, unnatural.
I clutched my foreleg and groaned as more gashes entrenched themselves in me. Various circles of runes dug themselves into my flesh. Foreign shapes and letters filled in the gaps culminating in a keyhole-design above my left elbow. Leaving me gasping with a heavily decorated and rune dotted arm. I sighed and fell back as the pain finally receded and felt myself going faint.
Something sparked. Then burnt. Then finally exploded, flinging me backwards into a bookshelf and forcing me awake. The air around me had begun to crackle and fizz with energy a faintly I could hear a wet ripping sound again. A second explosion then hit me, flinging me into another shelf causing someone to yelp. This continued for several explosions until I finally hit the ground with a loud smack and the faint spatter of blood.
“Uh, Mr. Streetsign? I think we should go to the hospital.” Twilight had shook me back to reality and I sat up with a yell! She looked at me horrified.
“Wha- What happened??” I looked around frantically and held up my arm with a yell.
“Um… I’m not too sure, but you’re lip is bleeding. Also you were using magic there! Are you a- but you don’t have a horn!” She looked at me suspiciously while the Pegasus held her head and blinked a few times.
“Whoah guy, you kinda trashed Twi’s place huh.” She had pushed her mane somewhat back into place and idly kicked a few smouldering books. That was when I really noticed the damage “I” had caused. Several stacks of shelves lay shattered on the ground as burning pages slowly drifted onto the already large pile of destroyed books.
“Uhhh… Look, Twilight, I’m sure we can work out some sort of an arrang-”
“You’re name isn’t Mr. Streetsign is it?”
“No? Did you really just get that now?” Seriously? How was that even remotely believable?
“So then what is it?” I stammered a bit while trying to back away from the ever advancing unicorn, her horn had begun to glow and her eyes flashed with rage.
“Uh… I don’t know sorry!” I had curled up into a ball to protect myself from her. Man I barely even knew her, how could I be this scared?
“You have no idea what your name is?” She gave me a concerned look as the glow on her horn faltered and died. The pegasus in the meantime began shoving burnt papers into a pile before a flash of light threw us all back!
I threw my hoof up to shield my eyes but the light had vanished as soon as it appeared leaving a tall while creature with both wings and a horn standing in the centre of the room. She had a regal pose about her and stared at us with a mixture of kindness and curiosity. She looked a lot like the creature from earlier. Yes, the damn horse.
“Hello, Twilight, Rainbow Dash, and you, my little confused pony.” She smiled at me. Oh god… I’m gonna die.
“Princess! Please can you tell me who or what that is?” Twilight pointed at me excitedly. Jeez why the spotlight al- actually its been on me for most of today.
“I can explain in time, but I am sure our little friend is confused. I’m afraid he’s gonna have to come with me back to Canterlot first. In the meantime Twilight, could you please round up the rest of the Elements of Harmony and come to Canterlot as well?” Twilight nodded vigorously and ran out of the library with the pegasus in tow. Still no clue what her name is.
Then, The Princess focused her attention on me and smiled again, tapping her horn against my forehead. I was engulfed in a white light and felt a spinning sensation, along with my devastated leg aching. The latter seemed to have become a constant of late, really.
When I opened my eyes, I was situated in a grandiose room. The walls were a pale gold with thick red carpets lining the floor. Around me were various pictures of ponies. Some were wearing sable robes while others were wearing silvered armour. I looked around in awe as The Princess reappeared beside me in a flash of blinding light, as if the sun itself had just materialized next to me.
"Now, don't worry—I'll have that damage you caused fixed up in a heartbeat!" she said, no doubt to assuage my doubts as she stared at me intensely. "I suppose you are very confused right now," she added.
I nodded and she paced around a fair amount.
"Don't worry, your questions will be answered. However I need to tell you a tale of years past first, and I would prefer it if Twilight and her friends were here to hear this. It is a good tale—one of love, hate, life and death. It is a tale of two thousand years ago."
I looked at her, puzzled, and her horn glowed.
"Now I suppose you should get some rest, Equestria Key," She said as I glowed in a faint blue light.
"Wait, what did you just call me?" I inquired. Equestria Key? That feels like it should sound familiar... However, my eyes began to close and, despite struggles against it, I drifted off into a deep sleep.
Author's Note
There. Rewrote the entire chapter after first publishing this almost a calender year ago. So yeah, enjoy there's a lot more to come. Don't forget to rate and review!
How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Live as a Horse: Gaiden
Have you ever woken up feeling more exhausted than when you fell asleep? Well, that’s pretty much how I felt upon waking up on the floor in Canterlot Castle.
Still a horse. Still had no clue as to what was going on. Still in a garishly-coloured room, except I had some weird looking unicorn at the door watching me struggle back to my hooves with a yawn.
“Ah, good. You’re awake… Now, come with me.” He nodded and headed out the door, his white cloak flapping behind him.
“And hello to you too,” I muttered and followed him out into the cross hall. The unicorn had an air of importance and self-respect about him. Judging by the ornate gold emblem holding his cloak at his shoulder, he was also maybe some sort of royalty?
Oh, and he was male, which was a first for this place.
“Why are you staring at me?” he asked.
“You’re a guy?”
He rolled his eyes. "Why are you so surprised?”
“Nothing… I... just that all I’ve met so far are chicks.” I chuckled a bit. He didn’t find it to be the least bit funny and left without another word. Seeing as how he knew the layout of this damn castle, I decided to follow him. And because he told me to earlier.
“So am I going to see the really tall pony again? The Princess of whatever?” I inquired. That struck a nerve. He spun around and shoved me against the wall.
He narrowed his eyes at me. “That is my Princess. Meaning you will be formal and show some damn respect when talking about her!”
“Relax, Novel. Who cares if he isn’t formal? He shouldn’t have to be!”
Coming down the hallway was another unicorn-pegasus hybrid, this one sporting a dark blue coat and similar mane that also seemed to constantly flow. She was about a head shorter than her sister but held it up high as she laughed.
“I meant nothing of it.” He bowed deeply to her and she giggled.
“Jeeez, you’re so uptight, Novel! Whatever happened to the bright eyed colt I remember, who claimed he was gonna marry me when he grew older? Besides… I think he’s fine.” Novel lowered his head and tried to hide his reddening face, pretending not to have heard the comment.
“Yeah, I already got the shit kicked out of me earlier today. Y’know the truck and all that…” I commented.
“Oh, yeah, sorry about that. We had assumed you would die instantly.” She bit her lip and winced.
“What… what? You knew that would happen!?”
“Well not exactly. I mean we saw the ‘truck’ coming at you and there was nothing we could do. So we just sort of waited it out.” She awkwardly smiled at me.
“I’m sorry but ‘waited it out?’ I died there you know! I was dead! So what the hell is going on with me?”
“Look, uh, my sister can explain it better than me so let’s just go see her.”
“Alright, fine. But I would really like some answers…”
“Don’t worry, you’ll get some.” She smiled and headed down the hall with Novel and me in tow. He still seethed with anger at my alleged “improper manner.” Hey, I’m new.
***
After following Luna through an elaborate network of tunnels and halls, we ended up in a throne room. Although it was more on the unconventional side. Instead of a throne, there was a sort of beanbag chair/giant plush cushion which The princess sat on. So I suppose it couldn’t be called a throne room. Then again it does sound better than giant-plush-chair-with-a-princess-sitting-on-it room.
“Ah, Equestria Key, I hope you slept well!” called out the Princess as we approached her giant plush chair.
“Actually, I slept horribly. I don’t know if it was the fact that I was on the floor, or the fact that I still have no clue as to what’s going on, or the fact that I’m now a horse talking to another horse," I shot back, causing her to giggle. Seriously? This sadist is laughing at my misfortune?
“You're feeling tired because your body is perpetually exhausted—a side effect of shifting.”
“Shifting?” I asked. I hoped that I wouldn’t require a thesaurus for this stuff, but all signs were pointing to that route.
“Yes. It would only be right to explain…” She clapped her hooves and the great doors at the far end of the hall opened with a slow creak showing a group of six other ponies, including the pegasus from earlier, and Twilight von Unicron or whatever her name was.
“Ah, my little ponies, I was just about to explain everything to the Equestria Key! Perfect timing!”
“Yeah about that, why do you ke--"
“Oooh! Are you new?!” yelled the pink member of the new group before launching herself right at me and stopping an inch away from my face, filling my vision with corneas and pupils.
“Uh… I suppose you could say that…” I stammered and leaned back as she bounced around me excitedly until a white coated unicorn grabbed her and pulled her aside.
“Now, now, Pinkie, we mustn’t scare the guest. Apologies, darling, for my friend’s ah… erratic behavior,” she drawled and dragged the pink pony away.
“Uh, right. So, princess, care to explain why I’m here with these other ponies. ‘Cause I sure as hell have no idea...”
The various ponies jumped their concentration between Celestia and I as she cleared her throat.
“Yes, I’ve postponed this far longer than I wanted. I hope you won’t take offence to my stalling, for this is a hard story to tell.”
“Yeah, yeah. Now why am I here… wherever ‘here’ is?”
Celestia sighed. “It was only ten thousand years ago when my father was the King of Equestria. Back then, life was not so tranquil as it presently is. We had adversaries from every corner, whether it was changelings, griffons,or dragons, something always wanted to invade. But one issue that stood were three siblings, not Ponies, Griffons, or Dragons but something else entirely. Three beings that bridged the gap between mortals and gods.
“They didn’t like seeing the Equestrians living a harmonious life while the Griffins and Dragons fought tirelessly. They wanted to be on top, the bourgeoisie while the mortals became the proletariat.
“My father didn’t stand for that and began working on a way to stop them. All of our current magic did little to nothing while the Elements of Harmony simply delayed them. He put all of his effort into building a new for lack of a better term “weapon”. He wanted an Equestrian that could help stop them. Something they wouldn’t expect.
“But he vanished before he could finish his work, leaving us with a soulless body and 3 angry demigods. So my sister and I turned to a world we had discovered, a parallel universe and took a soul from there. It worked and we used the weapon to stop fight the spirits while we trapped them with the Elements of Harmony.
“But now there’s a problem, the spells are weakening and they will be returning soon. That’s where you come in.” She finished.
“Wait… So I’m definitely dead and there’s no, like, undoing that?”
“Is that honestly all you got out of everything that I just told you?” asked Celestia.
“Hey! Look, this is a lot to take in! So am I perma-dead or not!”
“EKey, you aren’t dead. You’re clearly alive. For goodness’ sake, I’m talking to you.”
“I get that, but am I undead?”
She sighed and adjusted her… throne.
“Imagine this as less of a death and more of a… relocation. A change of… scenery.”
“Okay, that makes more sense.” I guess. “I was just evicted after all… Just not from my apartment, as expected… instead, from my planet.”
“Oh my! What happened?”
“It’s… uh… it’s a long story involving coffee, music, a stud gun—I think there were bees at one point—anyways, I don’t really want to get into it. Believe me, you don’t want to hear it.”
“Right… we should focus on the matter at hoof: you being here and your role here.”
“I gotta stop those three siblings from reappearing right?”
“Yes.”
“And how exactly am I supposed to do that?”
“Well… you know how you used that magic earlier? When you destroyed Twilight’s library?”
“That was magic? Holy crap, that was badass! It hurt but still…” I blinked. Oh, right. Blowing up a library. “Oh yeah… uh, sorry about that whole ‘exploding library’ thing, Miss Sparkle.” I blushed sheepishly. Yeah, I blush. Guys blush sometimes. Got a problem with it? We have blood vessels in our face as well! Twilight looked away mumbling something. Aww she’s shy. Wait no she isn’t. This is something else…
“EKey, are you listening?” Asked the Princess sternly.
“Uh...what? Sorry, spaced out for a minute there.” I was shaken back to reality, the soft flapping of the imaginary butterfly already fading away back into the darker recesses of my mind.
“I said are you willing to receive training from Twilight Sparkle along with her friends in order to properly prepare yourself for the upcoming fights?”
“Uh, I…hold on… what?” I stammered as the other ponies protested loudly.
“Wait, princess! Why would I be training him?” asked Twilight curiously. Is it gentlemanly to refer to a woman by her first name inside your head? Ah, probably. Carry on, chap.
“It could be a learning experience for both of you. Additionally, you have been studying old magic far more recently than I have. That, and my sister and I will both be quite busy preparing for their return.” She and Luna both nodded, causing Twilight to partially deflate with desperation before straightening herself out and nodding seriously.
“Understood, princess. I swear as a student of yours that I will not take this responsibility lightly. I will spend every waking moment, making sure that he will be perfect. I will not falter or weaken in my work. I will make sure that he doesn’t either. It’s like Ponificus said, ‘Ponies will always render those around them into perfection as they themselves strive to be perfe--”
“Jeez, egghead. Did you prepare this earlier or something? She says ‘Yes’, princess.” The rainbow one sarcastically replied before dragging Twilight back to their group. I chuckled a bit and received several angry stares in return. Man, tough room to —ah, forget it.
“So, EKey… do you accept this responsibility? Because we can always evict your soul again and find another.”
“Whoa, what? You never said you could do that!” I yelled.
“Didn’t I? So sorry of me… now, answer the question.” She smiled almost menacingly. I put on my best serious face and narrowed my eyes at her. Trying to find a balance between being understandable and gritting my teeth for masculinity… And trying to find my physical balance.
Seriously, it was hard standing on all fours!
“Yes.”
“Good. Welcome to Equestria, EKey.”
* * * * * * *
“EKey, wake up!” a voice yelled at me. I jumped out of bed wide eyed and delirious, pulling me out of a particularly strange dream. I don’t want to talk about it, okay?
“Mushrooms inside him! The mushrooms are inside him! No mushrooms in me!” I yelled frantically causing a voice to giggle. I looked over to see a purple pony standing in my room. Wait… I know her.
“Ugh… Why are you still here?” I groaned and pushed my mane out of my face.
“What are you talking about? We have training today.”
“Oh, god… I thought I dreamed about saying yes to that!”
“EKey, it’s been over a week since you said yes. How can you still believe that this is a dream?”
“Hey it could be one of those coma dream things! People can spend years in a coma and be dreaming at the same time! For all I know, you guys don’t exist…” I laughed at my flawless logic. Twilight rolled her eyes, snatched up a pin and jabbed me in my foreleg. I yelped and jumped back.
“There! See? We’re real.” She turned to the entrance and headed upstairs to the first floor. “Now, get ready for some more spell work.”
“Spell work, schmell work,” I muttered and readjusted the various bandages on my forelegs and torso, before kicking the rest of the blankets off. I then proceeded to stretch, hearing a series of pops, clicks, and shudders suggesting several days of physical abuse. I ran a hoof over my swollen black eye and recently split lip. Then came the constant numbing pain in my left ear. Yeah… I had been in better shape. Regardless of my mutilation, I re-wrapped the bandage around my wrist -- it was pretty hard with hooves, yet not as hard as when I first arrived -- before heading upstairs.
“Wow. You look even worse than I thought,” Twilight commented with a bit of a smile as Spike placed three plates down on the small table in her kitchen.
“Yeah, it’s all because of your rainbow friend. Seriously. She can pack a punch… Or fifteen. She know karate?”
Adeptly dodging my question, Twilight tapped a hoof on her chin. “Hmmm… You want to postpone today’s session with her?”
“Nah she’ll just make it twice as bad tomorrow.” I groaned and sat down across from her. It was eggs, toast, and a fruit salad for breakfast today.
“Huh… Have you tried talking to her about it?” She asked. I shrugged.
“Don’t get me wrong, I get why she’s doing it. I just think there’s probably a less painful alternative,” I said as I rubbed my foreleg.
It had been a week now since I said yes to Princess Celestia’s request. However many days that was in the real world was still beyond me. I mean, who knows what the time differential is when you’re in a coma?
Anyways, after my agreement, I was flown back to Ponyville to see a house that had been given to me. Except, no one ever actually checked the house because it was about two light breezes away from crumbling into itself in a shower of rotting wood and broken roof shingles. Heck the stairs didn’t even work. I was limited to a damp rotting first floor. So Twilight, in all of her friendliness, said I could stay in her basement which, for a tree, was surprisingly dry. Guess it was enchanted or something? I didn’t understand this magic stuff, honestly.
After moving into my new temporary living arrangement, I got a job at a local package delivery company which came packaged (see what I did there?) with the most terrifying job interview I had ever experienced. My boss was named Leafy Green. All things considered, he was a pretty nice guy. It was also rather nice getting paid even though Celestia already said she would cover the repair costs of my house. But, whatever money I made was going towards a sort of thank you party to the various ponies that had helped me so far this week. Except Rainbow Dash, she wasn’t invited. Seriously I spent every day getting the shi-
“EKey, are you listening?” demanded Twilight angrily. I blinked a few times before turning back to her with my winning smile.
She sighed and facehoofed. “Yes, definitely.”
“EKey, you need to focus… This is real.”
“Yeah? Well, I don’t think you’re real!” I yelled back. She rolled her eyes before getting up and walking out of the kitchen muttering something along the lines of “I don’t have time for this.”
I stretched my forelegs and finished up my breakfast. When I first arrived, I had been craving meat but now it had mostly passed. I honestly doubted that this body could digest it anyways. Okay, I lied. Every night I had the shakes as visions of steak floated through my mind... taunting me. Tempting me.
* * *
A taped hoof slammed against the side of my face and everything exploded into stars. I’m not gonna lie, getting the crap kicked out of me by a pegasus who I had earlier insulted isn’t an enjoyable experience. Not even remotely pleasant. I might even go as far as to say that it fucking sucked, if I was feeling particularly charitable.
I wasn’t.
The pegasus in question hopped back and forth behind me, balancing nimbly on her hind legs while I tried to stand back up, ignoring the aching pain in my back.
“Seriously can we please take a break?” I groaned. She shook her head and spun around into a kick that knocked me back into the dirt.
“Come on, Ekey! Defend yourself!” she yelled, ignoring my cries of pain. I hate her. Seriously. When I inevitably go postal, she will be the first victim. She swung at me again this time with her left hoof aiming at my ribs. I rolled back and stuck out my elbow as an attempt to defend myself. It worked. Kind of. She was knocked back with a yell but the force of her punch reverberated through my entire arm! Her eyes widened slightly as she clutched her now injured hoof before a sadistic grin slowly grew across her face.
“Look who’s finally getting the hang of it!” She laughed.
I spat out some more blood and possibly a tooth before standing up and facing her, my forelegs in a defensive position but most of my attention was diverted to not falling over. Seriously... standing on two legs while using the body of a quadruped was not easy in the slightest. It was akin to running a marathon by hopping on one leg.
She dove at me in a flurry of limbs while I vainly tried to defend myself. I blocked one, two, maybe three of her hits before I finally collapsed into the dirt with her standing over me triumphantly. I tried to crawl away, my hooves scrabbling in the dirt.
“Not so fast, EKey! We still need to go over what we learned today.” She looked down at me... almost with pity. But that’s when I get her, I kick out her back leg causing her to fall over so I can pounce and finally have my revenge so no one will fear me and I will be unstoppable and I wi-
*THWACK!*
“...Ow” I held my nose gingerly, walking alongside Rainbow Dash, who had now finished untaping her hooves and was watching me curiously, trying to gauge the degree to which she mauled me today.
“Any chance you can be a bit less hardcore tomorrow?”
She laughed, her voice a tad on the raspy side. “Not a chance, EKey. If anything, it’s gonna be harder.”
“Okay hold on.” I stopped her in the middle of the road “Look. You’re gonna have to explain what exactly you’re trying to accomplish here. All this has been so far is you mercilessly beating me under the pretense of it being… ‘combat training’. How is this training me for anything other than pain tolerance,” I frowned. Clever girl. “Oh. Gotcha.”
“There… now you’re starting to get it. Also, I was joking, if anything it’s gonna be a bit easier tomorrow.”
“Wait… why is it now easier?”
“I was joking.”
“No, you weren’t.” Stop messing with my head like that! I was already paranoid about the possible subjectivity of my reality and stuff like this wasn’t helping!
“Look, you proved to be learning something. That means we should take a break from working on endurance and instead shift the focus onto strength. How does that sound?” she gave me a comforting grin. I couldn’t handle that.
“Uh sure. Sounds great. Would be nice to return home with some feeling still in my face.” I muttered back. What’s she trying to pull?
“Hey, Ekey, wanna get something to drink?”
“Drink?”
“Yeah, the bakery has pretty good milkshakes. You do have milkshakes in your world right?”
“No, we just have horse burgers and glue factories,” I replied but she didn’t seem to notice my sarcasm and recoiled with horror.
“What?!” she yelled. I shook my front hooves nervously and stammered out a response.
Smooth moves, Chosen One. Gonna follow up by proclaiming yourself the god-king of the country and start issuing orders to citizens?
“No, it was just a joke! We have milkshakes, and there are no glue factories! Just a sick joke,” I laughed awkwardly and rubbed the back of my head. Her eyes narrowed before shrugging and leading me down a different street.
“So… you don’t eat horse in your world?” she asked cautiously.
Hey, Ikea was putting horse meat in their meatballs! Remember that? Man! That was weird!
“No, we don’t eat horse in my world. Nobody I knew, anyhow.” Great. Way to just lie to the one who actively beats you as a form of recreation.
She narrowed her eyes, examining my expression. I maintained my best poker face. “Good to know,” she muttered.
Damned if I do, damned if I don’t.
Just a harmless little lie to keep my ass out of the fire… Oh the eventual poetic irony.
***
I sat across from my abuser, both of us casually slurping down chocolate milkshakes. Honestly they were delicious here, probably had something to do with the milk. Maybe less hormone treatment. Or it could be cat milk. Who knew.
“So, Ekey, tell me a bit about yourself. What was your life like before you were killed by a… what was it called? An astromobile?” asked Rainbow Dash, pausing to wipe her lips with a napkin.
“Umm… Well there’s not really much to say. I mean I don’t remember much of Earth, stuff like my name and whatnot.” I began, “But there’s some stuff I remember.”
“Well, spill it, pal!”
What, I was her pal now? My ribs said otherwise.
“Let’s see, I worked at a failing tax company as their IT guy. But these guys kept wasting their money and I was fired along with a ton of other staff members. They called it a ‘employee relocation and redistribution program.’ After that I was evicted from my apartment due to an incident involving bees, among other things. I was then forced to move back in with my roommate who spent every waking moment pantsless. That’s a taboo on Earth, by the way. Oh and I may have developed appendicitis.” I shrugged, “I never found out. Life kinda sucks, but death has its benefits,” I admitted with a sardonic smirk.
“Uh… I only understood about half of the words you just used. What’s an IT guy?” She asked curiously. Wow. She’s actually listening to what I’ve been saying.
“An IT guy is someone who repairs computers and does server maintenance. Fixes all the digital stuff that breaks. In short -- well, shorter, people who had no idea what they were doing broke things, I fixed them, and then the people in question presumably broke them again,” I explained with a wave of my hand… hoof. That would take a fair bit of getting used to.
“Right…” She took a slurp of her drink and then groaned, holding her head.
“You okay?” She nodded and winced before violently rubbing her temples.
“Brainfreeze.” She groaned and shook her head furiously.
“Uh, what are you doing?” I asked. She continued to shake her head.
“My uh… Mom used to tell me that shaking my head would get rid of brainfreeze but… uh, nevermind that… It’s not important.”
“Uhm… okay…” I replied awkwardly.
Great. Stranded in a strange world, marked as the Chosen One, and my only friend was a sociopath with minor schizophrenia. Not the worst week I’d had, honestly.
…
We finished our drinks in silence and eventually Dash left, mumbling something about visiting a friend. How can she have friends? She hits stuff! For fun! I stretched and tossed the person behind the counter a few bits -- golden coins with horseshoes engraved on either side -- before leaving myself, heading back to Twilight’s where hopefully I could get some rest.
Wait a second, She said she was gonna pay for the dri- Oh that motherfu-
“EKey!”
“Huwhat I swear that the cheque’s in the mail!” I shook my head and blinked. Twilight was standing in front of me again her eyes narrowed suggesting annoyance, possibly sleep deprivation as well.
“You’ve been staring off into space for the entire lesson!” She passed me a book. “Read this, it’s called Paradoxical Anomalies in Temporal Magic.”
“I can read the title, dammit...” I muttered and snatched the book from her, sitting down on the couch and opening the first page. Now I considered myself to be a relatively well-read individual but… my God. The text was tiny! I could barely make out the individual letters amongst the stains.
“Twilight, do you have a copy tha-- ah forget it. I’m going to my room.” I stood up and headed downstairs, my limbs aching with each step.
“EKey! Wait, is everything okay?” Twilight called behind me. I turned around and she had a concerned look on her face.
“Uh yeah I’m… Okay, never mind. I can’t keep lying about this. I’m tired, pissed, sore, and stressed! I mean just over a week ago, I was living in a crap apartment with a pantless roommate! I mean it was boring and asinine but at least it was familiar! It was home! Now I’m a horse living in a tree with a unicorn and a dragon and spends every day alternating between reading about magic and being beaten by a rainbow maned pegasus!”
Okay, maybe I was a tad frustrated. But I’m sure most people would be if they were in the same situation as me.
“Why didn’t you mention this earlier, EKey? I mean, we could have tried to help!”
“Tried to help? One member of your group has spent every day this last week openly bea-ghuuugh!” I groaned, a blast of pain slamming through my body, the runes again appearing all over the walls. I contorted into a ball, Twilight voice of concern quickly being overwhelmed by the buzzing sound filling my ears. But then with a flash it was gone!
“I uh… Sorry the body converted again… I think. Do my arms look thinner?” I held them out with a grunt, my face covered in a thin layer of sweat. Twilight looked at me with a huge grin.
“Hey EKey, look in the mirror.” She pointed to the bathroom, still grinning.
The hell happened to me this time? I wandered into the bathroom and examined myself in the mirror. Holy crap. All the bruises had vanished and as a whole I had become a bit slimmer. So I was right about the arms. I held the emblazoned one out, they had also shifted to better match the shape of my arm.
“Oh hey… First time in a while that the change was so drastic.” I stepped out of the bathroom where Twilight was smirking, “What?”
“Nothing, you just look a bit older now. More fleshed out.”
“You saying I’m fat?” I raised an eyebrow and she stammered nervously.
“Nonono not at all! I’m just saying you look more like an adult now!” She blushed a tiny bit. “You should go show Rainbow Dash!”
“That’s a terrible idea! I’m bruise free for the first time this week! I gotta celebrate! I’m gonna go and show off to Rainbow Dash!” I yelled before running out of her house and down the street.
Wait… I just did what she suggested. Dammit!
Author's Note
Sorry about the massive delay between chapters. University, looking for work, trying to find time to write, and trying to find an apartment can suck up a lot of your free time. Although a large portion of it was mostly spent working on other stories.
