If there had ever been a night more perfect, then I had yet to see it.
It was a clear night, one that was ornamented perfectly by the gentle darkness of the dark shroud above, and by the constant, omnipresent sounds of nature that always accompanied the night. It was perfect for stargazing - the very reason I had invited Fluttershy out to the balcony of my library to do as such. The sounds of crickets, cicadas, and various other chirping animals graced my ears, and were gone just as quickly under the imposing presence of the night. But yet, it was never completely silent outdoors, for there always had to be a breeze here, a crinkling of leaves there as some nocturnal animal made its way around its habitat. Or, as was the current spectacle, the mating calls of various insects had to fill the air.
"Beautiful, isn't it?"
It took me a brief second to realize that the constant backdrop of chirping was disturbed by something that was not, in fact, the desperate cry of a grasshopper searching for a suitable companion.
I turned my head to my left, and found a pink and yellow lump lying carefully on the ground, distinguished from an amorphous blob only by the gentle rising and falling of a pony's breathing, and by a pair of light cyan eyes that glimmered innocently as they remained locked on the night sky. I smiled briefly at the sight, before turning my gaze to the same point that Fluttershy's gaze rested upon. I noted silently that she had chosen her focal point well - from it, the stars clustered around and shone in their usual, quiet yet radiant light. I knew then that ponies called the night sky beautiful not because it was fun to - but because Luna did such a marvelous job herself. I could only think of one word to say in response:
"Yeah..."
My view of the radiant starlight was obscured briefly by a streak of violet that I faintly recognized as my own mane, followed by the sensation of the frigid night air tickling my fur and brushing against my body with a chill that was difficult to ignore. I was aware of a sudden tremble from Fluttershy, who whimpered slightly in protest against the icy tendrils of the wind. I faintly heard her teeth chatter, followed by an accompanying "Brrr..."
I let out a slight giggle at the reaction, though not of spite or disdain - merely from the humor of such a clichéd action actually making itself known in the world. Still, the intention was quite clear - she was most likely cold, and subsequently, didn't particularly like it. As a friend, it was my job to help her. "Are you cold?" I asked, though the answer I thought I already knew. It was confirmed by a nod, and I continued. "Do you want anything? A blanket, hot chocolate...?"
It was a few seconds that Fluttershy spent chattering with wild abandon in the air, before she managed to stutter a reply. "A b-blanket would be n-nice...if it isn't t-too much trouble..."
I smiled in what I hoped was a reassuring manner, slightly warmed by her ever-present kind attitude. Even with her friends, she did hold herself back from being a supposed bother, which was very admirable in my eyes. "It's alright," I told her. It was, honestly - sometimes she did worry just a little bit too much. It was almost as if she had something to be nervous about at all times...
Shaking the thought aside, I stood up, trotting quickly towards the exterior door, eager to bathe in the inside's warmth. While the outside was as cold as the rest of the town, I'd made special care to cast a warmth spell on the inside long ago, so that ponies who browsed for books in the winter wouldn't be so cold. And as I let myself in, I noted with a small sense of pleasure that the spell still worked, and drank briefly in the constant pulses of warmth it provided.
I made my way to the closet in my bedroom, which was curtained off as to allow easy access, but to allow an equal amount of privacy as well. Of course, you couldn't lock a curtain, but I had no need to. I pulled aside the curtain, darting my gaze from corner to corner the instant that the lavender curtain made its debut at the other end of the pole it hung suspended from. My eyes alighted on the place where I kept extra blankets, but yet something seemed wrong...
I carefully levitated the stack out of its rightful place, before discovering what I had found wrong. The stack wasn't actually a stack - rather, it was only a single blanket that remained held in my magical grip, one that was a light blue with splotches of pink. While I knew that it was comfortable and warm, no less, it...was only a blanket, not the stack I'd come to expect. If I expected both of us to stay warm, then it would take more than one - now that I looked at it - small blanket to cover us both. It was likely that I'd have to go cold, but I was willing to if it meant helping a friend.
I made myself go back outside, feeling all more prominently the chill that seemed to have gotten stronger in my absence. I steeled myself, setting forth once more with only the slight reluctance of the cold holding me back. While I did want to stay inside, I could only enjoy the view from outside, so I would have to stick it out.
I plopped down next to Fluttershy, who was now shivering with a fierceness that convinced me that the temperature had indeed fallen in the past minute or so. I held the blanket out to her and she took it as soon as she noticed it, wrapping it carefully around her shoulders as she tried to find a spot that would cover as much as possible. She settled on a position eventually, and gave me a timid smile. "Thanks, Twilight."
I nodded briefly, turning my gaze back to the night sky once more in the hopes I could ignore the cold, but it was an empty hope. The mere knowledge that there was a potential source of warmth next to me that I was denied did little to help. I found myself chattering as she had been herself, but she wasted absolutely no time in noticing, to my gratitude. "Twilight? Are you alright?" she asked.
I almost nodded, but caught myself. I was cold, right? Even if I had given my friend my only remaining blanket, in spirit of refuting her kindness, it would do me absolutely no good to beat around the bush and lie to her. I shook my head, managing a weak 'no'.
"Oh, I'm sorry!" Fluttershy apologized. "I didn't realize I would be making you so uncomfortable by taking it. Do you..." she faltered for a brief second, as if either embarrassed by some invisible prospect or thinking something over. "...do you want to share it? Or something?"
I nodded vacantly, silently thanking her propensity to put others before herself no matter what the situation. I wasn't sure how she would manage to even achieve such a feat, but evidently she had an idea - else she probably wouldn't have spoken.
I watched her with the sort of hunger a starving beast might eye its prey as she carefully disentangled herself from the blanket, and subsequently, blushed a light shade of pink. It was something hardly noticeable, but common - coloring of the cheeks was not uncommon in extreme temperatures.
After a few moments of deliberation, slightly frustrated whispers of 'oh dear', and shivering as the temperature reasserted itself, Fluttershy scooted closer to me, coming to a rest as soon as I came to feel the warm, soft bump of her wings folded close to her side. I was especially grateful for the extra warmth that her body itself provided as she tossed the blanket high, and in one graceful, fluttering motion, brought it down across both of our torsos and allowing its cotton-fleece blend to subvert some of the cold.
It was silent for a few seconds after that. I supposed that with absence with a common enemy, it would be a lot quieter - though that wasn't exactly unwelcome. I was perfectly content, then, to avert my gaze back to the star-dotted heavens, and to find every constellation that I could.
It was somewhere around constellation 45 that my concentration broke. At first, I had no idea why, since my attention was normally rapt when I set my mind to a task. But when I listened, it sounded like the lonely cries of the crickets had found a pattern, and oddly enough...a tone. It was hardly noticeable at first, but I could eventually discern a pattern that should both have been impossible for a cricket to replicate, and was also so familiar. In particular, it was a lullaby that was known by ponies from now and generations past. It was called 'Filly Fly', and I hummed the words in a moment of spontaneity as the chirping reached back to the start:
Filly Fly, your goodnight,
Is a time that has drawn ne~ear
Sle~ep tight,
And you'll hear
The birds chirping so near!
It was only when I finished the first verse did I open my eyes, only to find Fluttershy watching me with a sly smile spread wide across her face. I choked off my humming quickly - though the crickets continued the song on their own - and I could swear I felt my face burning in a bout of self-consciousness, despite the frigid air. I faked a cough, before blinking, as if clueless. "What?"
She giggled, and I could feel it all too well in the tight space we shared. "Oh, I just...that was nice, Twilight."
I blinked, truly clueless now. "It was? I was just...humming..."
Fluttershy nodded in return, the smile on her face widening slightly. "Well yes, you were...but...I just thought it was beautiful. Especially since you did it with the crickets...I mean, they're shy, but...if they sing to you, they have reason to..."
I couldn't help it but to smile just a bit myself, averting my gaze from the ever-widening grin on my friend's face, and from the praise that followed. It was always nice to be flattered, but yet somehow it was hard to look flattery in the face. "Oh come on, now," I replied, trying to dismiss it so that it might be quiet again. "It isn't anything special."
But Fluttershy pushed onward, to both my dismay and my delight. "Oh, but it is! I've heard you sing before, and...you have the most wonderful singing voice I've ever heard! It's just...so beautiful, and every time I hear it, I stop to listen!"
"Well, thanks, I gu-" I paused suddenly as I caught hold of a fact that was likely important. "...when did you ever hear me sing? I don't tend to do it very often, and even then, I'm always alone..."
She winked in a gesture that seemed out of place. "Let's just say...it was near the end of winter."
I waited for further elaboration, but it soon became clear that there was to be none. I moved my sight towards the sky again, and all became quiet once more.
The next few minutes were spent perhaps just as silently, and peacefully as the ones that had begun the evening. No longer interrupted by the sounds of our voices, the various cicadas and other nocturnal animals were free to begin their search for a mate once more. The night stilled itself once more, and the wind began whispering across the world when it pleased.
But somehow, it wasn't the same.
Throughout it all, I found it incredibly hard to focus on the stars, due to rather earthly disturbances. Fluttershy fidgeted this way and that, whispering silently to herself and shifting the blanket back and forth with such repetitive intervals and frequency, and it soon became clear she was bothered for whatever reason. I set to attempt to fall asleep - after all, the setting was fine enough to do so, and closed my eyes.
They were only closed for about a minute before Fluttershy disturbed my attempts with a gentle whisper, laced with a certain reluctance as if she were aware of the seeming awkwardness in the air, and sought to avoid it. "Hey, Twilight...?"
I shook my head slightly, clearing the sleep from both my mind and my eyes before turning to face her. I noticed, with mild interest, that she'd retreated behind her mane again as if to hide her face. She only ever did such a thing when out in public, or if she was truly frightened by something. "Yes?"
My answer seemed to only extend her anxiety, because she only breathed a shaking sigh in response. I briefly worried for her well-being, and was about to ask if she was okay, but she managed to stutter out a question that hardly peaked over the whistle of the icy wind. "Do you mind...I mean, um...could you...possibly...sing for me, or...something?"
Some small part of me hesitated in reply. I was more than willing to sing - I found it quite therapeutic, even - but sounding bad was not my worry, as it might have been in some other ponies. Instead, some warning bell went off in my head, stating that something had deviated from the normal, and that the something involved Fluttershy. But yet, in that respect, my eyes seemed rather inadequate in detecting the anomaly - the only things I could make out from behind the silky wall of pink that was her mane was a slight red tinge to her cheeks that had reappeared, and a certain way that she seemed to hold my gaze for a bit longer than she usually did. Usually, she dropped her gaze after a reasonable time; tonight, she seemed to be locked onto me well and truly, even if it was with a set of wavering pupils.
I'd read my share of books, and yet they have little to say about sudden reversal of behavior when anxiety seemingly increases, for whatever reason it'd be. The only theory I could think was, she could just like you, but I pushed it aside. I doubted any feelings of that sort were between us. Even if I didn't know what they felt like, I knew we didn't share them.
There was still some part of me that decided that, even despite some obvious unsettling issues, it would still be worth singing. Years of obedience and schooling in singing took over, and the emotion I'd held back over the weeks poured into my mouth, and of their own accord, formed into words and drifted gracefully out:
"He was different...
From the rest of the world,
He chose the lovely every time...
With a smile, he would bravely soldier on
Yeah, was that...such a crime?"
The first verse came as easily to me as the square root of 243 did, flowing outwards with a type of restrained beauty that, I noted silently, was hardly found anymore. Even from behind closed eyelids, I knew that the only place I could look for it was the night sky, which I seemed to embrace as deeply as my studies. It took only a thought to pull forth my memory of the sky, and to push onwards. I became aware of a slight, happy sigh from Fluttershy as I began the second verse.
"He did not wear cynicism well,
He chose the lovely every time.
And they cut him down, the world cut him down
Yeah, being peaceful was his crime..."
Somewhere, deep inside, I knew I agreed with the song. In a way, the figurative 'he' was referring to all the kind souls who were just underappreciated - such as Fluttershy, as it came to mind. It was this fact that made it so much more heartfelt, and true to myself and my morals that gave me the courage to sing brighter and more passionately. It was a gift, as I had once been told by my choir instructor, to be able to sing one's feelings. I actually agreed, for once. I seemed to have a 'haze' when I sang, where all that mattered was the words and myself. Nothing else would exist until the song ended.
"And I don't understand
The way we all behave
Yeah this world of ours..
This world we live in..."
The last word left me in a wavering, soft tone, before the air fell silent once more. As if on cue, I came out of my haze, and as I opened my eyes, I could make out an incredibly large smile on Fluttershy's face, which I could only smile back at. It always was liberating to see others enjoy my singing as much as I did, I had to admit.
I became aware of the blanket shifting around upon my back, and a shuffling as I assumed she was about to stand for whatever reason - but then, slowly, my mind registered the warmth and sleek softness of...well, I couldn't have been sure, but it felt almost like pegasus feathers. They extended slowly, but yet with full intent, coming across my back and wrapping around my side, before pulling me gently closer to Fluttershy and confirming my first theory with a gentle blush and a widened smile from her.
But yet, the confirmation only raised more questions - yes, that was Fluttershy's wing around me, and I would admit that I had snuggled into it without question, thankful for the warmth - but the fact that it was there was confusing in itself. A pegasus - if I had my cultural studies correct - would commonly wrap their wings around things they wished to hold or to keep warm, but it was rare that such a thing would be another pony. Typically, that gesture was reserved only for the most loved and revered ponies that they knew, not just... friends. So why, I had to wonder, was the gesture directed at me? But then I realized - she did care deeply enough for me. After all, we weren't just friends - we were best friends. The thought brought immense security that was already added by her wing, and I snuggled further into her side, content with the mood of peace and (self-realized) bonds.
"...do you...do you like me?"
And almost as suddenly as it had come, the air of tranquility was disturbed by a single, incredibly simple question. I'd answered it myself already, so it wasn't hard to repeat to Fluttershy. "Of course I like you, Fluttershy. We're best friends."
She nodded, but her gaze then tore from me and returned to the stars beyond. "I know," she said, seemingly with a hint of frustration. "It's just...I wish we could be more than friends."
Despite myself and the seeming nature of her worries, I let out a small giggle shortly after hearing her words. More than friends? What else could we be? Sisters? I rolled my eyes at the silliness of the thought. Though, thinking about it a bit more... having a sister would actually be quite fun. I had a brother, but having a sister would be a different experience indeed. I managed to wipe the smile off of my face before replying. “Me too, Fluttershy."
My response seemed to have done something to her, as her eyes immediately widened in excitement. "Oh, r-really?" I noted with mild interest that she seemed to be hiding less, and that her voice peaked with a curiosity that I only ever heard when she talked about something that particularly interested her. Perhaps I had found what had been bothering her - maybe she'd just been pondering what we could be. Closure seemed to have lightened her spirits considerably, especially with a single viewpoint.
I smiled and nodded, finally content that I'd ironed out the uneasiness I'd sensed earlier. "Of course, Fluttershy!"
Fluttershy seemed to smile even wider at this, and I could feel a similar smile stretching my lips. Perhaps this overly chilling night of stargazing might have turned out to be a fun night after all.
Absolutely nothing, however, could have prepared me for what happened next.
I was still suitably caught in the moment, and all my senses were so sharpened - the chill of the wind against my face and the contrasting warmth of Fluttershy and the blanket were all too clear in my mind. But perhaps what took the most attention - no, what demanded it - was the moment when the blanket rustled, her position shifted, and when, in a single blur, she leaned in to touch her lips to mine.
It was a motion so sudden that I couldn't react. One second, I was smiling at an amusing exchange...and the next, my own friend's lips were pressing against mine, gently at first, but with soon enough force to lay me back against the floor. And indeed, I could not ignore the passion beheld with each slight movement, or with the surprising physical stubbornness that pressed me so hard upon the balcony floor. Every single hot, quick breath taken through her nose rapidly stole my focus nearly as much as the kiss itself had. But the thing that most crossed in front of the others was...why? Why was she kissing me? Why...why did I actually - very slightly, mind you - enjoy it? And why didn't I try to break away?
The questions were still running through my mind by the time Fluttershy pulled back, and the only things I could feel were the furious thumpings of my heart, the burning of my cheeks, and the sudden shaking of my forelegs. The faint scent of a gentle lilac still tickled my nose, and filled it with its soothing aroma. But yet, I could only frame a single thought in the midst of it all ...what had just happened?
It was while I lay stunned that things seemed to bring themselves to a head. Fluttershy once more resumed her previous behavior, but now shook about as much as I did, and was babbling so fast as if to hide what she was actually saying. "Oh my gosh Twilight, I'm so sorry! I don't know what came over me, but you...said that you...and I guess I...but I...oh, I'm just sorry! I just don't-"
Somehow, I realized that this would likely continue in endless circles. I managed to raise a shaking hoof into the air, and guided only by pure shock and the now strangely tunnel-like vision I possessed, it managed to find its way onto her mouth. I was faintly aware of a very, very rapid vibration as Fluttershy kept trying to speak, which slowly diminished as she slowly realized that she wouldn’t be getting anywhere at the rate she was going at. As if by some unseen agreement, my hoof lowered itself, and our eyes locked in one moment that might well have been forever. I was faintly aware of a quick debate between my brain and my heart, as to whether I should ask questions, or to simply give in to the...the...just...I didn't even know what I could call what I felt, but I knew it had begun with that kiss. It was, regardless, no less a fierce debate that made my head begin to throb very, very quickly.
Resist it.
No, give in! You know how good that felt, so what's the harm in it!
But...she's Fluttershy...she's only my fr-
Did you see yourself caring DURING that?
Actually, yes, that's probably why I'm arguing with you.
...but I'm you.
Then why can't you AGREE with me - er, you?
Because we have alternate psych-
The argument came to a quick halt as I soon realized I would be no match for myself in an argument. I sighed, standing up slowly and stretching my legs in an attempt to abate the feeling of my head splitting in half. “I’m sorry, I’ll be right back.”
I turned with that (rather hasty) apology, trotting quickly inside and doing my best to ignore my duelling personalities, instead focusing on what few facts and intuitions that I could. My brain was still quite clouded, however, distracted almost with inpony ability by the gentle tickling of a flower's scent against my nose, the faint lingering taste of my own friend on my tongue, and the fact that I had actually liked it.
A sudden bump to my head - and a welcome diversion from my self-arguing - alerted me of the bathroom door, which had either conveniently materialized in my path, or had been walked into by me in my rather unfocused trot. Taking it as a minor haven from the confusion that remaining in Fluttershy's vicinity would bring, I quickly pushed through.
In one fluid motion, I slammed shut the door and slid to the floor with a groan that was almost perfectly in unison with the groaning of it being rocked slightly on its hinges. The floor was incredibly cold on my fur, but I was much more focused on my furiously beating heart, and - upon a few deep breaths - my ferociously burning cheeks. There followed a blessed silence in which I was aware of only my rapid breathing, and the chirping crickets from outside that had finally started up again. Where could I start, now that I had silence?
Right. Focus, Twilight. One confusing issue at a time.
She...she kissed me. Obviously, the question was why she had done it, but that was the least important thing I could answer. Instead, why did I like it? Maybe...maybe, subconsciously, I did like her in some way, and that kiss had just brought it out. Sure, she was..rather kind (as it was in her element), and I had to note that the kiss was very tender. In fact, her lips had been just...so soft, and it felt just like the first kiss I'd always imagined ever since I'd been old enough to think of such a thing.
With that revelation, I managed to haul myself up and over to the sink, before splashing my face with a spritz of refreshingly icy cold water. First kiss. Yes, that must have been it. The whole process of waiting for it had swelled my expectations, from something seemingly so simple to the most magical moment in my life – though I had to admit my head had spun throughout it – and so, when I'd actually gotten it, regardless of circumstance, I reacted in kind as though it were the exact one I'd dreamed of. After all, most ponies hold the belief that your first kiss is the most special.
My face gazed back at me as a pale, disheveled reflection. No, no... That wasn't it. Somewhere, I knew that though my expectations had definitely been met, it wasn't simply that. I was talking about something so incredibly serious here, something I couldn't fool myself about. That is, if I knew the answers at all. I mean...it was Fluttershy who'd given me my first kiss. It was her who'd chosen to break every single barrier, for...for whatever reason. She'd gone against every...wonderfully ideal nuance that she always portrayed...which only highlighted her undeniable natural bea-
I smacked my head against the sink with a loud thud, and I let it sit there for a while as pain invaded my head once more.
Obviously, there was so much more to it than I let on.
"T-Twilight...?"
I was only faintly aware of Fluttershy's voice drifting through the door, but it was enough to distract me. I opened my mouth to reply, but as I found no words, she continued on regardless.
"I...I just wanted...to say that, I'm...I'm sorry. I...I shouldn't have acted like I did, and I...I'm sorry if I scared you at all. And, I'm..." I faintly caught a hint of tears in her voice. "...I'm sorry for potentially ruining our f-friendship..."
The silence that followed only made me want to smack my head on the sink a second time, but I held off for reason that I might accidentally crack my skull if I did. And there was no need, because suddenly, it was all so clear.
Well, not all of it was clear. But I did know what I had to do.
I found the strength to drag my head off of the sink, and to open the door. I caught sight of a retreating Fluttershy, whose head hung immeasurably low in the depths of her sorrow. In the split second I had before literally all hope would be lost on both sides, I called out. "Fluttershy!"
She stopped, and I could see her weighing the options in her mind as she hesitated. But still, she eventually relented, and turned a mildly interested, but thoroughly crushed, face towards me, where I took it as a cue to continue.
"Fluttershy..." I repeated, shuffling briefly as I waited for the words to come back to me. "I...I'm not sure exactly how strong my feelings are towards you, but...I know that they're there. I...I'm willing to give things a chance, as a kind of experiment...so if you can forgive me for running off like that, then...maybe something can happen...if...if things...you know..."
As I tried to find a way to close my speech, I was only made twice as aware of my stammering as my uncertainty showed its true light, and in the most important moment of my life (at the moment).
I suppose I've always been lucky, though.
As I watched, my pegasus friend's eyes switched from sadness, to questioning, to hope, and finally to pure joy as she swept me up in a hug so sudden that it nearly made me fall over. And, even though I had a warmth spell over the library, I could feel a warm sensation 5 times as warm as it flow through me as the hug continued, for a long few seconds.
I smiled absently, throwing my hooves around her, and returning the hug in full. My muzzle, now buried in her mane, detected once more the sweet scent of lilac that I enjoyed so much. I closed my eyes, taking in the scent and allowing myself to fully enjoy the moment while it lasted. I pulled away from the hug, but only slightly, so that I could turn to face her cheek, pressing my lips against it.
Turns out that I would likely end up enjoying the set of circumstances.