I Don't Want to Be in Equestria Anymore

by Ravenmane

Rating: teen
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Human, Original Character, Comedy, Random, Sex, DJ P0N-3
Length: 1185

There are somethings even a Brony can't tolerate... eventually...

Blake had a niceish, simpleish, good enough life with Vinyl Scratch. Things went south once they decided to take it further.

Warning: Story contains strange humor and strange circumstances. This is not my normal brand of comedy. It is rated WTF for sheer randmoness and PL (Princess Luna) for everything else. Don't say I didn't warn you.

Published 2013-01-08 20:40:02 UTC
Last updated 2013-01-08 20:40:02 UTC

Before Everything Went South

I’ve enjoyed my life in Equestria so far. It’s a very environmentally clean, industrious, and happy place to live. Three months ago, I wandered into a place I thought I knew all too well: Ponyville. As per what I expected, the first pony I met was a pink pony that acted like she was on a sugar rush inside a sugar rush.

“Hey there,” she said as she mysteriously appeared on my back, “I’m Pinkie Pie and you’re new! What’s your name? What are you? Are you friendly? Do you wanna party? Can we be friends?”

I felt violated, she shattered my personal space completely and utterly. “Um, I’m Blake, I’m a human, I’ve been known to be friendly, I don’t know if I want a party yet, and I’d be willing to be friends.”

Name: Blake
Species: Human

Status: None

Pinkie showed me around town all day before dragging me off to a party later on that night. It was an awesome thing, filled with a bunch of other ponies. However, one particular unicorn seemed to stand out. From her electric blue mane to her sunglasses, I felt a little star struck.

I felt the weight of Pinkie Pie this time as she hopped onto my back. “Oooh,” she said, “found something you’re interested in?”

“Yeah, who’s she?” I pointed my finger at the unicorn who caught my glaze.

“Nice choice, that’s Vinyl. She’s single, has an extra-large bed, and is looking for a special somepony. Wait,” the party pony jumped over my head and trotted up to Vinyl, “I thought you were the deejay here Scratchie.”

Name: Vinyl Scratch
Species: Unicorn

Status: None

“Taking a break now,” she told Pinkie. Her gaze turned towards me and she lifted her shades to get a clearer look. “Who’s that?”

“His name’s Blake. He’s a bit interested in ya, go and talk with him!”

She looked me over, appraising me like a slab of meat. “Eh, I’m adventurous.”

That’s really how things began. I know it isn’t the most clever of things, nor is it the most interesting of introductions, but that’s really how it happened.

*****

After the party, I moved into Vinyl’s house just down the road and mostly spent my nights in the guest bedroom. From time to time, she’d drag me out to parties with her to have a little fun. Before too long we became a lot closer. We spent a lot more time spending nights out on the town, going to restaurants, and even wasting afternoons relaxing in the park.

At first, I thought it was a bit gross, liking one of these ponies. After a little while though, I appreciated her more for of her personality than her appearance. So what if she was a pony and I was a human, she said it herself, she was adventurous and when we spent that first night together we went straight for a relationship we weren’t planning.

“Gotta admit,” she said as she rested her head on my chest, “at first I was thinking we’d try it out and go our separate ways if it didn’t work out.”

“Something change your mind Vinyl?”

“Yeah, you’re hot stuff.” She looked up at me, her pink eyes meeting my brown ones. “You make me feel alive.”

“I know how that feels Vinyl, you make me feel all sorts of things I’ve never felt before.” I bent over and we kissed, the hue of her magic pulling the covers over us for round two.

Name: Blake
Species: Human

Status: ~~None~~ Vinyl Scratch (Very Intimate)

When I awoke the next morning, I heard the sizzling of a skillet downstairs and I slowly got out of bed. I think that was when everything started to change. I don’t think the change was my relationship with Vinyl, but something strange was in the air along with the smell of blueberry pancakes.

“Think you can get the newspaper and mail,” Vinyl called from the kitchen.

“Sure,” I replied with a yawn.

“Hey Blake, commere a sec.”

I cranked my head into the kitchen.

“Best night ever.”

I smiled and went to get the mail and paper. Yeah, life was great. Until I creaked the door open at least…

“Here’s the mail,” said our mailmare with a pleased grin. She was a bit cute, nothing compared to my Vinyl, but still cute. What bugged me was she already had kids and I don’t think I could get used to that eye condition of hers.

Name: Ditzy “Derpy” Doo
Species: Pegasus

Status: Single Parent

As soon as I took the mail however she planted a kiss on my lips just before flying off with a slight wobble. I just scratched my head and grabbed the newspaper.

*****

While waiting for Vinyl to finish making breakfast I flipped through the mail and one particular letter caught my eye.

Blake, urgent!

I set the rest of the stack down and opened it carefully.

I hope this reaches you in time. I understand that you are not native to Equestria. I wish I could write to you under better circumstances but whatever you do, do not leave your residence under any circumstances.

Princess Celestia

“Hey, you finally got a letter from somepony that wasn’t Pinkie,” said Vinyl as she offered me a plate of pancakes and a fork. “Who’s it from?” She began to rifle through the mail.

“Princess Celestia an-”

“Woah, I never get mail from royalty. Think you can introduce me?”

“It’s a warning, says not to leave the house.” I showed her the letter.

“Huh, wonder why.” She went back to looking through the stack of mail and stopped on one particular letter of her own. “I got a letter from Pinkie, says it’s from Canterlot.”

“I thought she lived down the street with the Cakes.”

“I heard she and a bunch of her friends went up to Canterlot for some wedding.” She opened the letter and began reading it. “Yadda, yadda, yadda, stuff about the fun shops around town, planning a party, wedding enthusiasm, wait, deejay at the wedding of Shining Armor and Princess Mi Amore Cadenza? Blake, you know what this means?”

“I’m stuck at home while you go off to Canterlot?”

“Yeah, but, look I’m sorry but you know we need a better place and we could use the money. If you wanna ignore the warning that Princess Celestia sent then I’m totally fine with that. It’s just, ya know, it’ll get us a better place where the pipes don’t leak when we draw a bath while the oven’s running or blow a fuse when that washing machine is running while I’m working on a new mix.”

“I know, I know. We need the money so you go and make us that money. I’ll try and find something to do all day for a while. Maybe I can find out why we have that really stupid leak.”

She checked the envelope carefully. “Pinkie did send two tickets. Wanna play hooky?”

“I’ll get your shades.”