The tale of the poofy pink pony.
It was a lovely morning in Ponyville. The birds were chirping, the eels were singing, and the dewdrops on the blades of grass were drowning thousands of ants. But ants are too insignificant for you to care about, in fact, I might as well not have even brought them up. The point is it’s beautiful outside and there isn’t a damn thing you can do about it.
Pinkie Pie was out and about, humming to herself as she trotted towards Ponyville library, she was scheduling another party, and she was busy handing out invitations.
I sure hope Twilight is available,” Pinkie thought to herself,” None of my other friends were able to join me in my yuletide celebration. Fluttershy was too busy at trying to lose her virginity with Angel, Rainbow was busy writing a bunch of clopfics of her and Daring Do, Applejack was fucking Big Mac under an apple tree, Rarity was busy being a huge cunt like usual, and Twilight is basically the last pony I can even try to invest my hopes in at this point. If my beloved acquaintances were unable to join me in my festivities, then the psychological repercussions would be disastrous. Whoa, what was that? Brain, have you been learning without me? Come on, I’m already basically insane, I don’t need you using big words and driving me even crazier.”
Pinkie was so invested in her own thoughts that she crashed headfirst into Twilight’s door. Pinkie fell to the ground as her eyes swirled around in her head.
Twilight opened the door and looked down to see a disgruntled Pinkie Pie, so what did she do? She fucking regruntled her, what else?
Once she was gruntled enough, Pinkie Pie stood up and cleared her throat.
“Twilight Sparkle hello there I crashed into your door
I enjoyed partying with you, I’d like to do it more.
I am the queen of parties and I hope that you will see,
I’m running out of lyrics so just fucking answer me.
Wanna party?”
Twilight Sparkle was understandably confused by the song that Pinkie just sang. It wasn’t the swear word, ponies in Equestria swear all the time(it’s canon) no, she was more confused by the fact that an earth pony had the gall to talk to a unicorn. That was a crime punishable by death, so sayeth the incredible Celestia. Twilight decided that she’d have to come up with an excuse not to go to the party, in order to report Pinkie for her insolence. She used all of the power in her delicious, throbbing brain to formulate the most devilishly clever excuse in the history of ponykind.
“Sorry Pinkie, I have to tweeze my unibrow,” Twilight turned around and rubbed her hooves together, revelling in her brilliance.
“But Twilight, you don’t have a unibrow.” Pinkie noted not seeing one on her.
Being the Mary Sue she was, Twilight quickly lit her horn up and magically gave herself a unibrow. She didn’t care if Pinkie watched her put it on, Pinkie was too dumb to know any better.
“See? I need to get rid of this.” She said as she pointed to it.
“Oh...ok.” Pinkie said sadly as she thought her crazy mind must have been tricks on her to miss it.
As Pinkie turned around all depressed, Twilight slammed the door shut and started to think on what to write to her mentor Celestia so she could finally get rid of Pinkie.
“Fax machine! Get your scaly ass out off your room and make me a letter!” Twilight shouted to her personal slave.
Suddenly Twilight could hear the fault sound of fapping behind closed doors.
“And stop clopping to pictures of Rarity!”
Meanwhile Pinkie was walking down the street back to her home in the attic of Sugarcube Corner. She was pacing back and forth with her front legs folded behind her back. She wasn’t walking on two legs if that’s what you’re thinking, she actually just grew another pair to fold behind her back.
The now six-legged pony muttered nonsense words to herself, twitching violently every few seconds. Walking into her room, she looked in the corner and saw more of her friends resting against the wall.
“Those ponies think they can desert me? I oughta show them what for, it’s just too bad this is a kids show. Maybe I’ll talk to my real friends!” She said as her mane started to inflate a bit but then went completely flat.
“ROCKY, MADAME LEFLOUR STOP FIGHTING!”
Rocky pulled off his mexican wrestling mask and released Madame LeFlour from the vicious camel clutch that he had applied to her. Madame LeFlour collapsed onto the ground like a sack of flour.
“But Pinkie, she started it!” Rocky replied in a deep voice as he bounced away.
“Hmph! I merely said he should try to be a bit more civil around a lady, and then he got mad because he’s just a no good brute!” Leflour replied brushing a bit of dust off her bag.
“Lady? Hah! You’re just a stuffy bag of flour!”
“And you’re just an uncultured pile of rocks!”
“Will you two stop fighting!? Geez you both sound like Dashie and Rarity. Next thing that will happen is that you’ll start having sex on the Boutique floor!” Pinkie cut in as she felt a twitch in her jaw.
“But I thought this was a kids show!” Rocky said.
“Everyone knows they’re sluts anyway so why hide it.” Pinkie replied.
“Some friends they are! Just imagined if the both of them somehow gave birth to a foal! Well, at least the child would know how it’s parents are!” Leflour said rather uppity as she turned to Rocky.
“What that directed at me!? I’ll show you, you no good overstuffed bag of flour!” Rocky replied quickly putting his mask back on.
"Don't even think about it," said Pinkie in a dark and menacing tone as she brandished a hairbrush.
"Whoa Pinkie, settle down okay? There's no need for such horrors," Rocky said as he slowly backed away, a deep look of fear in his eyes.
"But Rocky, if I don't brush your hair you won't learn anything," Pinkie laughed maniacally as she tackled Rocky to the ground and furiously rubbed the bristles on her brush against the top of Rocky's head.
"NOOO! My beautiful blonde hair!" Rocky screamed as he thrashed and struggled in Pinkie's powerful grip," Sir Lintsalot, Help me please!"
Sir Lintsalot was totally badass and cool, so he formulated a super sexy plan with his sexy lint brain.
"Pinkie' tell me about your parents," he said, willfully changing his voice to an endearing and trustworthy Cockney accent.
Pinkie dropped Rocky, normally she'd have ignored Sir Lintsalot and just continued brushing Rocky's hair, but there was something about that accent, something that made her want to open her heart to him. So she pulled a couch from wherever it is she gets things and took a seat.
"It all started twenty four years ago, I was just a sperm in my dad's testicle, and I hadn't a care in the world, my dad, Tom The Rock was just sort of sitting there, waiting to fall on someone. Now don't ask me how, but Rarity went back in time for the sole purpose of having delicious sex. Like I told you, she is an enormous slut. Immediately she fell in love with Tom and they started fucking right there in the rock field. She moaned so loud that I even I could hear her from my warm zone. It didn’t take long for him to finish up and 11 months later Me and Rocky were born. Rarity was so distraught that she birth to a pony and a bunch of rocks that she returned to the future and fucked abunch of stallions which made Sweetie Belle get born.” Pinkie said to him as she pulled out a blank book and began to read from it.
“Wait! You mean you’re my sister!?” Rocky said shocked to learn about his past.
“Yep! And you’re my little oni-chan!” pinkie replied putting on a kawaii desu expression.
Wait! Then where did I come from?” Sir Lintsalot asked.
“Why that’s simple! Your mother is Twilight and your dad is a-”
“STOP RIGHT THERE CRIMINAL SCUM!!” Shining Armor bellowed as he kicked open her door and glared at Pinkie.
Everypony turned to Shining Armor.
"Pinkie Pie," he shouted," I have found reason to have you sentenced to death!"
Everypony and inanimate object gasped in utter surprise, especially Mr.Turnip.
"Why?" Pinkie questioned nervously," Whatever could I have done to deserve the death penalty?"
"Come with me and I'll show you!" So Shining Armor, Rarity, and the assorted inanimate delusions all walked down the stairs and outside of Sugarcube Corner, coming to a stop in front of the Cakes' delivery cart," Were you the last one to use this cart?" Shining Armor asked Pinkie.
"Well yeah, but what's the problem?"
Shining Armor paced back and forth angrily. He huffed, he puffed, hell, he damn near blew Pinkie's house down. After awhile he regained his composure and proceeded to explain to Pinkie the heinous crime of which she was most certainly guilty.
"You parked the cart way too close to the curb, and for that you must die," he stated with great finality.
Pinkie looked utterly shocked. She inspected the cart closely before replying.
"You're right, this is too close to the curb. Take me away."
So Pinkie Pie was hung, and nobody showed up to her funeral.
The End.
