The Life You're Given
-neutralmilk
Applejack sighed as the two shooting stars disappeared beyond the distant silhouetted mountains, their tails following in suit. In her mind she knew it was time to prepare for bed, an incredibly long and eventful day behind her. Yet her body remained seated in front of the window, her emerald eyes gazing, scanning the darkened landscape that stretched off into an indiscernible horizon.
A feeling of unmistakable loneliness washed over her, something she knew she should’ve gotten used to by now. Even now, the wound felt as fresh as the day they died. When she first heard about it…
She shook her head back to reality, not wanting her thoughts to drift back to then.
Turning her back to the starry night sky, Applejack brushed her trademark Stetson off her head and clasped it in her hooves trying to fight back the sadness that slowly fell over her. She was tired; physically, mentally and emotionally. And she needed sleep. That much was clear to her. She had spent weeks planning and preparing for the largest Apple Family Reunion yet, and now it was finally done with. Even more, everypony showed up.
Well, not everypony… she found herself thinking, glancing back to the window.
She couldn’t explain it, but she soon found herself slowly approaching the windowsill, almost as if drawn by some otherworldly force. Before she knew it her body was pressed into the sill, her head and forelegs sticking partly out into the brisk night.
“Dad can `ah go to bed now?” Applejack asked, struggling to free herself from between the windowsill and her Father’s strong body.
“What? And miss this beautiful night?” her Dad rebutted, mocking hurt. “Why, you can probably see the lights of Manehattan in the distance if you looked hard enough!”
The orange filly leaned out her window as much as she could and squinted her eyes to focus in on the distance. Sure enough, on the edge of the horizon she saw a shimmering light; the skyline of Manehattan. “That must be one big city if 'ah can see it from here!” she exclaimed, taken aback. Her mind drifted to a city of colossal buildings, all of which were adorned with lights of hundreds, thousands of varying hues.
“Well it’s one of the biggest cities in all of Equestria.” Her Dad replied, smiling. “Your Aunt and Uncle Orange live there, you know.”
Applejack grimaced at the thought of them. They gave out terrible Hearth’s Warming presents. Her Father must have noticed somehow, because soon he began tickling her underside sending the filly into fits of laughter. “You know they’re not that bad.”
Applejack was far too busy trying to stop her Dad and break free to respond, and soon found one of her hooves free enough to counterattack. The two kept at this for some time, one successfully thinking they gained the advantage only to be outsmarted by the other, giggles escaping both of their mouths sporadically. Finally the two quieted down, returning their attention to the beautiful night sky. Its plentiful stars seemed like a map unfolding before them that stretched out to the corners of the world, and then, perhaps, beyond.
Applejack smiled, feeling the warmth of her Dad’s coat against her own and keeping her warm in spite of the brisk breeze that wafted through the room from her open window. “It’s time to go to bed honey.” He said softly, kissing the top her head.
“But Daaaad!” Applejack groaned. “I’m not even tired yet!”
He smiled. “Maybe so. But the farm is exhausted!”
Applejack looked at him, confused.
“I mean, just look at that chicken coop!”
The filly diverted her eyes at the small wooden building.
“How do you think it feels having been woken up so early by the rooster?”
Applejack giggled at the silly thought. “`Ah guess you’re right. Goodnight chicken coop!” she called down, waving her hoof at it.
“And what about that plow? You don’t think I did all the work myself do you?” Her Dad asked.
“Goodnight plow!” Applejack called down. She paused for a moment and quickly added: “And good work today, too!”
Her Dad laughed heartily and hugged her tightly. “In fact, you’ve had a busy day yourself. Why don’t you go to bed?”
“Ok Daddy.” Applejack sighed, stepping away from the window and approaching her bed. She was pretty tired. But then a thought came over her. “But Dad!" she began. Her Father looked at her, still smiling. “What about everything else? We can’t say ‘goodnight’ to only a few of `em!”
“Hm…” he put a hoof to his chin as if deep in thought. “I guess you’re right.”
So the two returned to the window, peeking their heads outside and examining the landscape before them. Everything from the fence, to the apple trees, to the very foundations of Canterlot Castle were wished a good night upon them. Applejack felt confident that she included everypony and everything she possibly could and started off to her bed.
“I’m proud of you, Applejack.” Her Dad said to her, tucking her in. “Not a single thing left out! Why I bet Equestria is gonna have the best night’s sleep it’s ever had thanks to you!” He leaned down and kissed her forehead. “Sweet dreams, honey.” He turned his back and started to the door.
“Hey Dad?” Applejack called out as he stood in the doorway.
“Yeah?”
“I love you! Good night!” The filly blew him a kiss and tossed over in her bed, burying herself in the blankets. Her Father stood there for another minute but eventually left to his room, leaving the orange filly to stare out the window at the myriad stars and their seemingly impossible patterns as she slowly drifted off into sleep.
Applejack suddenly found her thoughts back in the present, the familiar smell and the feeling of her Father fading away into the dark and starry night. She felt tears forming in her eyes from the vivid memory and blinked them back expertly. Outside her window lay the exact same world as the one from her childhood, as if nothing had actually changed. Instinctively she squinted her eyes at the horizon, focusing on the bright lights of Manehattan, just as awe inspiring as the night she was first pointed it out.
“You two missed a heckuva’ reunion.” She found herself saying as her eyes drifted up to the starry sky. “This is the first time we got everpony to show up! Why even Aunt and Uncle Orange came from Manehattan to stop by.” She felt a smile form on her face at the mention of their names. “Bet you wouldn’t believe they stayed for the whole time, too.”
She laughed to herself quietly and sighed again. “Ah hate to admit it,” Applejack started again, awkwardly rubbing her shoulder. “But it wasn’t exactly as perfect as it sounds.Ah muddled things up pretty badly. Tried to push everypony into ‘makin’ memories,’ which instead gave nopony time to catch up.” She paused for a moment, unsure whether to go on about her various mistakes or move on.
“Ya know, I may have made a fool out of myself earlier today,” Applejack said finally, smiling. “But it was still the best Apple Family Reunion we ever had. I really wish y’all could’ve seen it!” She beamed out into the empty night sky, half expecting a response; but she stopped suddenly, taking a pause. The feeling of loneliness crept over her again as she stared straight forward into nothingness. She slumped in the window sill, swaying her foreleg back and forth to a silent rhythm.
“Heck, I just wish you guys were still here…”
A cool, gentle breeze blew across her face, ruffling through the loose hairs of her mane and sending shivers down her spine. Applejack gasped at the suddenness of the sensation and shivered lightly; it had to more than just a breeze. The orange mare was sure her parents were there, standing by her side. She felt something brush against her shoulder, sure it was her Mother’s hoof…
“No.” She mumbled, dragging herself back into reality. She closed her eyes, feeling the warmth of a tear form at the corner of her eyelids and trickle down her cheek. No matter how hard she wished, or whatever Celestia and Luna’s benevolent powers conjured up for their respective days and nights, her parents were gone.
And… and they ain’t coming back. She found herself thinking, opening her eyes slowly, waiting for the sensation to fade away.
She found her thoughts drifting to her many friends, to the many memories they were all able to share with their parents. She remembered standing by to watch Twilight and her family take photos on the day they welcomed Princess Cadence into their tight-knit group. The smiles on their faces, the joyous tears flowing down Twilight’s mom’s face stood out. A moment she could never achieve, no matter how much she wished. Jealousy began to muster its way into the mare’s heart, leaving her feeling guilty, envious, and miserable all at the same time.
Applejack furiously scrubbed at her eyes, attempting to dry them and stop the tears from flowing altogether. She racked her brain for a way to alleviate her misery, looking for something to lash out on. Kick a hole in the wall. Throw a chair across her room. Do something. Instead the mare simply sighed and gazed around her room, shadows dancing in bizarre silhouettes on the walls from the bright moonlight beaming through the window and around Applejack’s body.
Giving up, Applejack returned to her position in the window.
“`Ah just don’t get why.” She said aloud to the star-filled sky, her confidant demeanor crumbling under her weighted mind. “Why’d you have to go?”
“Ah mean, well,ah know it’s a cliché to say it, but it really… well it’s not fair.” She paused another moment, annoyed at her display of weakness. She was supposed to be strong; or at least everypony she knew thought so. She had to be. She found herself attempting to regain her composure but failed, quickly using a hoof to rub back tears in her eyes. There was so much she wanted to say. So much she wanted to ask. But it felt so pathetic. “Couldn’t at least one of you stayed?” she asked feebly, lowering her head.
"Not that `ah'm not grateful for Granny Smith." She added quietly, thinking of the elderly mare sleeping soundly just down the hall. She had been there to raise her and Big Macintosh for longer than she cared to remember, even before her parents had died. And as far as she could tell, Granny Smith had done a fantastic job.
She tried to imagine the same image of Twilight's family replaced with her own, Granny Smith sobbing happily at the addition of another member of the Apples, but it just didn't seem right. And while she may have raised Applejack and Big Macintosh wonderfully, "It just ain't the same." Applejack finally concluded, pushing the thought from her head.
Deep down she knew it wasn’t anypony’s fault that her parents were gone. Nopony could have predicted what happened, least of all her parents themselves. Yet a feeling of betrayal still clung to her heart throughout the years. As if they had left far too soon, leaving her in her youthful prime in charge of not only their farm, but of the entire family.
“You know,” she began, “I missed so much because of you.” Her voice filled with accusation. “I wasn’t even a full grown mare when y’all left me like-like this.” She pressed her hooves to her chest. “I-I felt abandoned!” Another breeze blew through her mane, but she shook it off. “Do you know how much I had to learn by myself?! Big Macintosh and I had no clue how to run this farm the way both of you did.” Her vision turned to the many half-filled apple barrels scattered around outside of the barn, feeling herself calm down a bit. Bitter memories of the season Big Macintosh got hurt and she foolishly attempted to harvest the entirety of Sweet Apple Acres by herself filled her mind.
She stared out of the window a moment more and exhaled. “And, `ah guess, we still don’t.”
She grew silent and stared up at the moon, feeling that maybe if she directed her invective heaven-bound it could be heard. “Do you possibly know what it’s like to start growin’ up with two loving parents only to find yourself alone and bucked into maturity? Do you have any idea how hard this was for Big Macintosh? For me? For Apple Bloom?!”
Applejack suddenly stopped, feeling the name still on her lips. Apple Bloom. Her own sister was left without parents, set to live her entire life without really knowing either of them. She could feel something inside of her snap.
“And worst of all,” she growled at her parents. “You left Apple Bloom.” Her younger sister hardly ever acknowledged the existence of her parents in the years following their deaths, almost as if they didn’t exist in the first place. Applejack could only assume the pain the filly felt was the same, if not more due to her young age.
“At least Big Mac and I were old enough to try and work things out our own ways. We could always talk to each other. We had lots of friends. Heck, we had half of the town there to help us hat-in-hoof! But Apple Bloom was just a foal! You’re making her grow up in this world alone! Without a Father. Without a Mother! And Celestia knows she needs one at her age.”
She turned away from the window, feeling betrayed for her younger sister. She began thinking of all the things her sister had missed; the things she was lucky enough to have for herself.
Apple Bloom’s first day of school. Applejack remembered vividly seeing the looks of pride on the parents’ faces as they watched their fillies and colts trot happily, if somewhat nervously into Ms. Cheerilee’s class. She and Big Mac had been anxiously waiting for this day and there they stood in the schoolyard, their little sister with a bright, new bow tied in her red hair. She looked much calmer than both her siblings combined.
Her mind then drifted to the night Apple Bloom lost her first baby tooth. Applejack winced at the memory. She recalled seeing Apple Bloom trot around the house playing with her loose tooth, a large grin upon her face. When the time had finally come to pull it out, Big Mac and she tried to make the matter lighter by bringing her favorite stuffed animal into the room to keep her company. After ten minutes of fidgeting with the tooth, Big Mac and Applejack had given up. Big Mac tossed the stuffed animal onto the floor with an annoyed sigh.
The next thing they knew, Apple Bloom had leapt off her place on the counter she’d been sitting on to save her beloved stuffed animal and landed face first on the floor. The two ponies looked at each other nervously and quickly pulled the filly to her hooves. She had a large, toothy grin on her face, except there had been something missing. A tooth!
It took only a minute more for them to realize it was the wrong one.
She thought of the past few birthday parties that she and Big Macintosh worked for weeks to plan and make perfect, with all of her friends coming along. All the things that parents are there for.
“Her graduation…” she mumbled. “All of her crushes, or-or fights with friends or…” her voice trailed off. Applejack could feel tears welling up in her eyes but kept them back, refusing to give up the one bit of strength that she had left in her body.
But then it came to her. “Her cutiemark.” She stood there, silently. She and Big Mac had been growing increasingly concerned lately that their sister still hadn’t gotten her cutie mark, regardless of the hours and hours of “crusading.”
“You won’t even be here for her getting her cutiemark…” The idea was preposterous. Even after she had gotten hers her parents were there to make it one of the best nights of her life. But with their family that much smaller…
“How the hay can we expect her to get an Apple family cutiemark when her parents aren’t even around to help her!?” She slammed a hoof on the hardwood floor, leaving a dull ache. “When she barely even knows what it means to be an Apple!?”
Applejack stopped abruptly. “W-when she barely even has a family at all…” she mumbled to herself. Applejack’s anger drained, leaving a hollow feeling in its place. Being angry wouldn’t have done anything. She was still alone. She was still talking to the starry sky, not her parents.
She dropped her head in her hooves and broke down into tears, finally submitting to the feeling of insurmountable despondency that had been plaguing her. Her mind drifted back to many fragmented memories of vacations, free time, and even normal, daily activities with her once-whole family; one that had been and would remain lacking for the reminder of Applejack’s life.
The orange mare let the tears flow willingly for the first time in years, choosing to give up her perceived emotional strength and let her guard under the watch of the thousands of twinkling stars littering the night sky.
From behind her she almost missed the faint squeaking sound of her bedroom door being opened. Applejack spun around to find a cream-coloured filly standing awkwardly in the doorway, kicking at her hooves and staring at the ground, a slight frown pervading her face.
“W-why you cryin’, sis?” Apple Bloom asked innocently.
Applejack wiped her tear-stained eyes. “Ah, it’s nothin’, Apple Bloom.” She paused “Just thinking about… some old friends.” Applejack put on a gentle smile and tried to change the subject. “Everything ok?”
“What happened to them?” the filly asked almost automatically, genuine concern in her voice.
Applejack was taken aback by her sister’s interest and thought for a moment, trying to find a way to satisfy her sister’s curiosity while attempting to avoid mentioning their parents. “They moved away a few years ago.” She said, sighing. “But it’s nothing to worry about.” The mare turned back to her sister and smiled.
Apple Bloom considered the story and eyed her sister. “You promise?”
“Cross my heart and hope to fly.” Applejack crossed her heart with her hoof. “Now what brings you here this late? Don’t you have school in the morning?” Applejack looked at her questioningly.
Apple Bloom looked down at her hooves and remained silent.
“…Did Big Mac’s snorin’ keep you up again?” Applejack asked. “`Ah swear this is the fourth time this-”
“N-no…” the cream-coated filly interrupted. She paused and took in a deep breath. “`Ah had a really bad dream.” Apple Bloom was noticeably embarrassed by her confession and chose to continue kicking at her hooves in attempts to alleviate the feeling of awkwardness.
“I dreamt that the barn wasn’t actually a barn, b-but it was actually a HUGE monster in disguise!” she continued, flailing her hooves as she recollected the nightmare. “And one day me, you, and Big Mac were bringin’ apples up there when it grew legs, just like that! We were so scared we couldn’t move! The barn just started growling at us, and-and then it chased us all around Sweet Apple Acres!”
Applejack couldn’t help but smile at the completely ludicrous nightmare and tried unsuccessfully to stifle a laugh. Apple Bloom took notice almost instantly and blushed, her cheeks turning a deep rouge that matched her bow.
“H-hey!” the filly cried defensively, stomping her hoof on the hardwood floor. “It-it ain’t funny!” Apple Bloom’s voice squeaked, which only succeeded in making her blush more. She hurriedly covered her mouth with a hoof as if it would somehow stop Applejack from hearing the overwhelmingly cute noise.
Applejack snickered softly and brought a hoof to her mouth to cover her smile. “You know, you’re right.” She said, lowering her hoof back to the floor. “It ain’t funny.”
Apple Bloom looked up at her sister, confused.
“`Ah mean, what if that did happen!” said Applejack, dramatically. “We ain’t prepared for anything like that! We’d be up to our necks in, well, all sorts of problems!” She smiled down at her sister and continued. “In fact, I’m thinkin’ tomorrow we check up on the barn and think of a backup plan.” She leaned toward her sister and waved her closer. “You know, just in case.” She whispered into the filly’s ear, making her giggle.
She seemed to have calmed down from her nightmare, but the frown soon its way back onto her face. “So I thought that…” Apple Bloom trailed off, looking back down at her hooves. “Maybe I could sleep in here tonight?” The filly glanced at her older sister, who looked at her with a smug grin on her face. “Not that I’m scared or nothin’!” she suddenly blurted, trying to protect her “big pony” persona.
Applejack laughed and ruffled her hoof through Apple bloom’s soft, red mane. “Nah, of course you `aint. You’re a big pony now!” Apple Bloom beamed at the compliment. “And sure you can sleep in here. You can keep me company.”
Applejack trotted over to her bed and pulled down the covers, all while beckoning her sister over. The filly happily obliged and scrambled into the bed, smiling lovingly at her sister as the covers were brought up to her chin and tucked around her tiny body.
“Scootch over a bit,” said Applejack, exhaustion in her voice. “You may be sleepin’ over here tonight, but that don’t mean you get the whole bed.”
Apple Bloom grinned at her older sister and shimmied over a foot, watching as Applejack gracelessly flopped onto the bed; this, in turn, emitted a small giggle from the cream-coloured filly. Applejack glanced over at her and returned a goofy grin. “Get some sleep Apple Bloom. We’ve got a long day, come mornin’.”
Her sister nodded happily and flopped onto her side, facing away from Applejack and falling asleep almost instantly. The orange mare suppressed an urge from her heart to hold her tightly, but instead untied the small, red band from her ponytail and tossed it expertly onto a nearby nightstand. Applejack sighed quietly and pulled the sheets over her body, turning her back to the filly sleeping beside her. She felt her gaze lazily drift to the window and the vast starry night sprawling out into the unknown.
Slowly, the familiar feeling of loneliness came over once again, giving her a brief desire to continue talking, to do something; however she found her mind was tired, unwilling even. There was no use to continue anymore. Everything was already said at one point or another. Even so there was no combination of words, no matter how lovely, heartfelt or true that could ease the dull pain in her heart that she felt for not only her own childhood cut short, but for the many memories and the childhood Apple Bloom would never be able to properly have.
She stopped herself, knowing full well that thinking about it anymore couldn’t and wouldn’t lead to anything good. `Ah need some sleep. She thought to herself, using it as a means to push any more unpleasant thoughts from her head. Sleep. The word was possibly the most beautiful one in the English language at the moment. The many sleepless nights and weeks of preparations and hard work finally seemed to be catching up to her…
Applejack’s eyelids began to droop, welcoming the coming slumber. Her eyes remained fixed on the starry night, watching as the once crisp, white stars began to blur from her own tiredness.
“Hey Applejack…?” a voice asked quietly from beside her. The mare snapped back awake and turned around to find Apple Bloom looking her straight in the face.
“Yeah Apple Bloom?” Applejack stretched and yawned.
She was startled for a moment when she felt Apple Bloom try to wrap her forelegs around her gently in a hug. Applejack looked down at her sister who smiled up at her lovingly. “Thanks, Applejack.”
Applejack smiled back at her sister and ruffled her mane. “Hey, none necessary! It’s the least `ah could do.”
“But you’ve done so much for me! You’ve helped me with… with everythin’!” She waved her forelegs dramatically to emphasize her point. “You’re like…” the filly paused and thought for a moment. “You’re the greatest sister ever!”
“Apple Bloom,” Applejack replied, wrapping her forelegs lovingly around her. “It’s what sisters do. I’m here for you, whether you need me or not. And `ah always will be.” Applejack watched her sister break out into a grin and felt her forelegs tighten around her in the strongest squeeze the filly could manage.
“I love you Applejack.” She said quietly. The two sat like this for a while, Applejack reminiscing about all the times she had shared with her younger sister.
From the first day of school, to the day she lost her first tooth and all the way through the myriad holidays and other special occasions in the past years. Regardless of all the difficulties, she realized she wouldn’t trade those memories for the world, parents or not.
As long as she had Apple Bloom, she didn’t need anypony else.
At last the embrace broke, the two returning to their original positions on the bed. Applejack once again found herself staring at the star-filled sky, the words still echoing in her head. I love you…
Maybe `ah was wrong… Applejack thought to herself, glancing over her shoulder at the sleeping filly, her chest slowly rising and falling to an unheard rhythm. She turned back and began unconsciously counting the stars that hung in the sky, unsure where to continue her train of thought. She felt different somehow. Something she couldn’t place her hoof on.
As if the visit by Apple Bloom had changed her mind on some things.
However, her time to dwell upon it was cut short by the presence of two brilliant shooting stars lazily drifting by Applejack’s window, on a path identical to the ones earlier in the evening. Slowly, a smile crept onto her face and all of her previous fears and concerns washed away, her mind comforted by the bathing glow of the shooting stars.
Before she knew it the stars were already slowly passing into the horizon, leaving Applejack alone once again. As she stared at the nighttime sky, tears began to well in her eyes, trickling down her cheek and onto her pillow. Applejack rubbed a hoof against her eyes and turned around to face her younger sister who was still sleeping peacefully.
She softly brushed her hoof through the filly’s mane who shivered under the light touch. Applejack smirked.
“Hey Apple Bloom…?”
The filly stirred.
“…Did you know you could see Manehattan from the window if you looked hard enough?”
THE END
Author's Note
My first attempt at a sad fic, which also turned out to be my most personal, autobiographical story. It took me a good month and a half to finally sit down and finish this. And with that, I'm proud of the way it worked out.
In the loving memory of my Father.
"Today is gone, today was fun,
Tomorrow is another one."
Told you I'd write something for you one day. Bet you didn't think it'd be about pastel ponies.
