Steve Irwin Vs. Equestria
Rarity the unicorn was working on another dress that had been commissioned by one of the same ponies in Canterlot who had rejected her. She almost felt like making it... Ugh... green, but sadly she needed the bits so she could renovate the boutique after her younger sister's latest shenanigan.
A shiver ran down her spine as she felt like she was being watched. She stopped working momentarily and glanced behind herself, then around the room carefully. She sighed and went back to work. ”Well, that sure was strange...” She thought.
”Crikey...” An echo ran through the building, and the unicorn's eyes widened in fear and her ears splayed back to her skull. She turned around slowly, expecting to come face-to-face with her agressor, but she saw nothing out of the ordinary. ”What a beut, mate!” The strange voice said again. Were there two of them? Rarity's legs started shaking in fear.
She suddenly felt something jump onto her back and latch onto her neck. She screamed and started bucking to knock off what was attacking her, but it was to no use. It was far too strong for her. ”Wouldja look at that, mate?!” The same voice as before spoke up. ”I'm not sure what it is, but I'm quite sure that it's some kinda boar! Just look at the soize of tha' tusk!” The voice said in a chipper tone, but Rarity was far too insulted to even think clearly.
”Boar?! I am a unico-hmmph!” She was silenced as her agressor latched its... talon over her mouth. She had never seen something like that before, it lookes almost like Spike's claws, but they were five instead of four and they lead to a bare, furless arm. She screamed, but her screams were muffled by the hand covering her mouth.
”Boy it sure is a fighter!” The voice laughed and straddled her, then pushed her to lay down. Rarity whimpered. She felt the other hand trail down her back, and then to her cutie-mark. The hand patted her cutie-mark in a soothing manner, Rarity blushed furiously. Its hand stopped its moving and laid down on her flank. The creature gasped. ”Crikey! Would you look at the soize of tha' behind?! This one's a fatty!”
Rarity felt her face heat up in anger and embarassment. ”WELL, I NEVER!” She shouted and tried once again to buck the creature off her back, but her aggressor whipped out some rope and hogtied her legs together. Rarity tried to struggle against the bonds, but they wouldn't break. She started hyperventilating. The creature laid her down on the floor, and she finally got a good look at what had attacked her.
It looked almost like some kind of primate, but much taller and was hairless besides its head. Its mane was blonde and messy. Her fashion-sense withered and died as she saw the plain outfit it was wearing. A tan shirt with the top buttons open. It was wearing some kind of shorts in the same, plain colour as the shirt. Its blue eyes were staring down at her, and a massive grin which could rival Pinkie Pie's trademark grin was plastered onto its face.
“That sure was a foine struggle, mate! Just look at this fella! His eyes sure are something!” He said with a whistle.
Rarity seethed. First, she was attacked in her own house! Second, she was called fat! Third, it called her a he! All sense of compassion was drained out from the unicorn as her horn blazed to life with magic and untied the ropes. “I'll show you that a lady can fight, you brute!” She screeched and jumped toward it, cracking the rope like it was a whip. With a thought she opened the window, whipped the creature and making it yelp. When she was close enough, she turned around swiftly and bucked the creature in its stomach, making it fly out the window.
“Croiiikeeeeeyyy!” The creature shouted as he fell through the open window, straight to the ground below. When she didn't hear it land, she walked over to the window and looked down. It wasn't there, it was like it had just... Disappeared somehow... She shuddered and closed the window, then locked all the doors leading into the shop and closed for the rest of the day.
Twilight Sparkle sighed and rubbed her sore eyes with a free hoof. She had been up all night studying again, which she had promised to stop doing. She could stop at any time, she just... Well, she just had to do one last assignment for the princess! She reasoned and nodded stiffly, making her neck pop. She groaned as she stood up from the pillow and rolled her shoulders, throwing a quick glance outside. She thought she heard somepony scream, but she decided to ignore it and grab something to eat from the kitchen.
As she descended the stairs, she noticed how quiet it was. She rolled her eyes as she remembered that Spike had left to be with the crusaders for the day, and he would come home later. When she entered the kitchen and opened the fridge, she saw a daisy sandwich waiting for her. She giggled as she levitated it out of the fridge, she would have to remember to thank him later.
When she took the first bite, she couldn't help but to feel like she was being watched by somepony. She shrugged and continued eating, forgetting about it. When she felt it again, she huffed and stood up. “Is anypony here?” She waited for an answer, but none came.
“I think this must be a bookworm in its natural habitat! Ain't she a beut?” Twilight froze. She looked around the kitchen to search for where the voice had come from, but to no avail. “It must be mealtime for her! She has to collect all the noutrients she can so her fat will provide warmth for her kin!”
Twilight's face flushed. She wasn't fat! But... But maybe a few laps around town wouldn't hurt? She shook her head to clear her thoughts. “Who are you?! Come out!”
“Oi! We have to be careful around this one! She seems to have quite the temper! Maybe she's in season when she's on edge like this?” Twilight had enough of the voice taunting her. She focused her magic and scried for any kind of lifeform inside the library. She became quite shocked when she sensed the size of the intruder.
She tip-hoofed out of the kitchen into the main library area. Her magic was still focused in case she had to use it to subdue the creature.
“Banzai!” The voiced shouted from behind her, but before she could react she felt a weight latching onto her. She started trashing and bucking instinctively, momentarily forgetting about her magic. The creature was much too strong for her to fight alone, so it managed to lift her. “Look at his! Boy, it sure is heavy, but that's a good thing! That means her kin won't starve when she'll be able to produce so much milk for 'em!”
Twilight had no idea what to make of the situation at hoof, but eventually rolled her eyes and teleported away from the creature's grip and appeared next to it. The creature looked down at its now empty arms, then at Twilight, then back at his arms. “Crikey! Didja see how fast it moved!?”
It tried to grab her again, but she teleported away from it to give herself a safe distant away from it. Twilight realized that she would run out of ~~mana~~ stamina eventually, so she needed help from somepony else, and quick!
Almost like her begging was heard, Spike opened the door and walked inside, immediately gaining the attention of the creature who know had wide eyes and a dropped jaw.
“Spike! Do something!” Twilight begged. Spike went into action immediately and inhaled sharply, then exhaled a green spout of fire at it. After a magical pop, the creature was gone. Twilight stared at him in shock. “Please tell me you didn't send it to the princess...” She bit her lip.
Spike's eyes nearly tripled in size as he realized his mistake. “Crap...”
Princess Celestia was enjoying a quiet day outside in the garden. She had walked around the palace, and was now enjoying her lunch in the cool weather. She sighed happily. There was nopony who needed her assistance with anything, and her sister was still asleep. “Oh, how I wish more days were like this...” She sighed once again. A small, sparkling mist of magic appeared in front of her. She rolled her eyes in exasperation.
“-EEEeeey”
*THUMP*
Celestia winced and closed her eyes, but when she opened them she saw one of the strangest animals she had ever seen! It was bipedal, but it only had hair on its head. It also wore clothes. It jumped to its feet and looked around, and its eyes set on Celestia with a shocked expression.
“That little bugger must've sent us to their queen! Never heard of lizards havin' a queen before, but this entire day has been quite wonky, though!” It inhaled. “This one's bigger than the rest, so it must mean that this one consumes whatever it's sent! Now's a good time for us to be careful!” The creature bent its legs and held out its arms to make itself bigger. Celestia arched an eyebrow.
She stood up, and the creature jumped and tried to make itself even bigger. “Crikey! I think it's making a move for me now!” Celestia hushed him, but he didn't calm down.
“I'm not going to eat you,” Celestia smiled softly “I can assu-” She wasn't able to finish her sentence as the creature charged toward her and tried to hold her down. Celestia wasn't moved at all, and just looked down at him in confusion “Please stop that.” The creature continued. “Stop!” It froze for a couple of seconds, but continued trying soon afterward.
Celestia growled as her horn started glowing. After a flash which blinded half the staff in the castle, the creature was nowhere to be found. She smirked and resumed eating.
Later that evening when Princess Luna prepared to raise the moon, her jaw dropped as she noticed a new face on the moon. It looked almost like some kind of primate with a huge grin, and the word 'crikey' was written in stars below the moon.
Luna sighed and rolled her eyes when she resumed her duty of raising the moon and the stars.
Meanwhile in the outskirts of Ponyville, another monkey-like creature stood to its full height. He rubbed his stubble as he looked around, eventually noticing the ponies in the village below.
“Huh... Smart horses who live in intelligent societies?
...Better drink my own piss.”
Author's Note
I am... Not quite sure why I wrote this, actually. Steve Irwin was brilliant.
Stupid one-shots, ho!
