Friendship isn't exactly all that sexual

by Sectus

Rating: mature
Tags: Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Spike, Comedy, Sex
Length: 10092

Spike starts using his writing talents for more than just friendship reports!

Spike starts using his writing talents for more than just friendship reports. But when one of his more... embarrassing works is accidentally leaked to the public, Spike gets on the nerves of his best friends.

Published 2013-01-09 00:10:01 UTC
Last updated 2013-01-09 00:10:01 UTC

Trouble in Ponyville

By Sectus
Co-written by RWG

Twilight exhales deeply, and slowly sits back down on her haunches as Spike finishes his messy business atop her exhausted, sweaty face. The lavender unicorn's breathing manages to maintain a steady pace while her scaly companion presents her yet another excuse to take a good bath in the near future.

'That's why...' Twilight gasped, pausing between every other word, 'you're my number one assistant.'

Spike stands up tall, dragonhood in hand, as he congratulates himself on another fine day's work.

'Oh please, it was nothing.' He states, placing his clawed hand upon the mare's shoulder, 'I'm just glad to help!'

***

"SPIIIIIIKE?!"

The high pitched cry rang throughout the library, giving the young purple dragon a good jolt. In a state of near panic, he dropped his quill and parchment and quickly pushed away from the table at which he sat.

"Uh," He stammered, crouching under his desk to retrieve his work from the wooden floor. "Y-yes, Twilight?"

"We've got to hurry, Spike! We're supposed to meet Rainbow Dash in thirty minutes with my presentation on cloud seeding! Stop fooling around and help me find my papers."

Spike gave a disgruntled sigh as he hopped down from the wooden stool, landing on the floor with a soft 'thud'. Obediently, he hurried over to help his mentor in her search for the missing report. Within the span of a minute, he had somehow found himself digging frantically through the bedroom mattresses in pursuit of her lost papers.

"Oh, and Spike," Twilight began, suddenly remembering something important. "Did you remember to send yesterday's friendship report?"

"Huh?" Spike replied, briefly surfacing from a pile of blankets and other assorted bedding. "Oh, that thing. Yeah, I sent it right before I went to bed," he replied, offhandedly.

***

"I must say..." The elegant, white alicorn blushed, taking another sip of her tea. "This isn't much like Twilight's usual reports, but still very educational! I had never taken the time to appreciate all the effort that goes into creating cirrus clouds."

***

Twilight's horn glowed a hearty lavender as she levitated several old books from around her study.

"No... Wrong... This one's been outdated for hours now..." She droned as she pushed aside paper after paper in frustration. "Okay, breathe, Twilight. Breathe. Where was the last place you left it?" her eyes drifted to a few pieces of paper left haphazardly on her desk. Without hesitation, she trotted over to check if they were what she was looking for, levitating them up as she ran.

"Okay … white and gooey … licked like an ice cream cone …" Twilight read to herself, her eyes narrowing before she took another glance at the paper. "Wait, filled with wet cream? That doesn't sound like-"

Spike interrupted her examination of the paper by tumbling down the stairs claw over foot, the blue blankets still wrapped around his form. He gave a soft groan as he stood up, shaking free of the cloth.

"Never mind, Spike, I found it. Let's go, before we're late!" Twilight flared, her horn igniting with light purple magic as she strapped on her saddlebags, stowing the papers inside of it in a hurried rush.

***

In about five minutes, Spike and Twilight had reached the town square. It hadn't been easy, and they had both managed to bump into several ponies, offering many subsequent apologies before arriving at their destination.

"Ugh, finally," groaned Spike from atop Twilight's back, folding his arms. "I was starting to think we were running in circles!"

"Oh hush, Spike. Stay here, and try not to get in trouble while I am gone," Twilight lashed back in a harsh tone. She sat on her haunches long enough to allow the small purple dragon to slide from her back, before dashing off towards the stage that was the center of all the gathered ponies' attention.

"It is with great pleasure that I welcome Twilight Sparkle! She is here to give her long awaited presentation on cloud seeding!" Mayor Mare announced with a graceful sweep of her hoof, before backing off of the stage. Twilight soon had the attention of the entire crowd as she trotted up to the podium.

"Thank you, madam Mayor!" Twilight bellowed appreciatively to the graying pony who had stepped down from the platform. Twilight sighed in preparation, her horn glowing bright purple as her magic grabbed the few papers that were stowed inside of her saddlebags, bringing them up and setting them atop the podium in front of her.

The lavender pony gave a gentle cough, clearing her throat as she looked down at the papers, and began reading.

"'Rainbow Dash finishes licking up Twilight's warm fluids with a sigh and begins panting. 'This is getting tiring, Twi ... is it my turn yet?' she asks of the purple unicorn.'

Twilight gives an irritated grumble. 'Won't even let me finish ... fine, I suppose you did expend all that effort to fly me up here ...' the exhausted pony says before shifting up from lying on her back.

Rainbow Dash grabs a piece of the cloud and begins to form it in her hooves, crafting something in much the same way one might make a snowball. The blue Pegasus rolls the piece of cloud between her hooves, sculpting it into the vague shape of an un-folded party balloon.

'So whaddaya think, Twi?' She brags, 'I call it Little Macintosh!'"

Back in reality, Twilight Sparkle's face turned a deep maroon as she looked up from the paper to the crowd, which stood nearly paralyzed in disgust at what they had just heard. Though she had stopped reading, it was clear that she had revealed more than enough to embarrass herself into oblivion.

***

About an hour later, Spike was walking the streets of Ponyville, his head bowed in shame of what had happened in the time since Twilight's speech. Immediately after Twilight had managed to escape from the many spiteful glares of ponies all around, she had given Spike a long scolding that involved many creative curse words, including one about a donkey and every apple tree in Sweet Apple Acres.

The small, purple dragon gave a pitiful sigh as he walked, stepping through a small puddle of mud in the ground. He couldn't seem to understand why he was being yelled at when it was Twilight's fault for not being more careful.

"Uh ... hay there sugarcube ..." came a familiar voice from behind Spike. He stopped in his tracks, raising his eyebrows in surprise upon noticing that somepony had bothered to address him after all this.

"Hi, Applejack ... are you still mad at me?" Spike asked nervously, dust moving in the air with a gentle poof as he kicked the ground, awkwardly.

"Mad? Now why n' tarnation would ah be mad?" Applejack scoffed, sarcastically. "Since that speech, everypony in town starts whisperin' every time ah mention a family reunion. Heck, Big Macintosh has even been askin' ta have his name changed ta 'Normal Macintosh'," she admitted, a small amount of spite held within her sarcastic phrase.

"I'm sorry Applejack, I really am ... it's just kind of boring at Twilight's library, and I thought it would be an interesting project," Spike replied, ruefully, folding his arms as he tried to contain his embarrassment from bursting forth.

"Well next time, try thinkin' about how other ponyfolk are gonna react to somethin' before ya actually go n' do it," the southern pony shot with a soft frown down at the purple dragon.

Applejack had no sooner turned and began trotting off down the lane than Applebloom had shown up following behind her big sister.

"Hey, Applebloom!" Spike called out politely. "Did you catch the game last ni-" The baby dragon was unfortunately interrupted by a pair of bright yellow hooves colliding violently with his jawline.

The last thing Spike heard before he slipped into unconsciousness was Applebloom shouting "Yeah, who's a pecker pincushion now, Spike?" the lights in his head going dark as he viewed her trotting off merrily beside her big sister.

***

The green, purple, and now black and blue dragon awoke what seemed like hours later surrounded by a horde of adorable woodland critters. He sat up with a jolt, the small horde of critters around him dashing away as he did so. After a few minutes, he realized that he was sitting safely inside Fluttershy's wooden cabin on the edge of town. He felt his head gently in his stupor, finding his claws wrapping around a warm red water bottle that had been placed gingerly over his injured jaw. He removed the bottle, lying it down on the couch beside him.

The room had a cozy feel to it. All around the small interior of Fluttershy's cabin were various play forts and animal chew toys. There were at least four entrances to the room Spike was in, to his right was a tall wooden staircase which he suspected would lead to Fluttershy's living quarters. The front door straight in front of him was closed, and firmly locked. To his immediate right was a small wooden table that held a bowl containing various fruits and vegetables. Beside it was a glass of cold milk. The door to the kitchen was slightly ajar, suggesting that someone had passed through it recently.

"H-Hello?" Spike called, looking all around the interior of the small wooden abode for his savior. He found it difficult to move his jaw without causing pain to shoot all throughout his head. After a few moments, a small yellow Pegasus timidly peered into the living area from the kitchen before giving a bright smile. A moment later she had eagerly stepped into the room.

"Oh ... Spike, I'm glad you're okay," the yellow Pegasus asserted in a soft and anxious voice. It was clear that her care for Spike was genuine. "I was so worried ... I found you lying on the street, and you wouldn't move," she croaked, her bright green eyes going wide as she told what was obviously a terrifying tale for her to the small purple dragon. He didn't seem as phased.

"Yeah," Spike grunted, awkwardly scratching the back of his head with a claw. "Apparently Applebloom didn't like my story so well." He gave the yellow Pegasus a weak chuckle. The young dragon gently cupped his sore jaw as another bolt of pain shot through it.

"Oh ... that," Fluttershy whimpered in her soft, silky voice. The timid Pegasus seemed to almost shrink away from Spike at the very mention of such a thing.

"Don't tell me you've read it all too!" Spike wailed, face-clawing at the situation he was now in. It didn't seem like this day could possibly become any worse. His self-pity was soon washed away, as a new wave of pain overcame him as a result of this ill-decided motion. He gave a grimace, barely able to contain a groan of misery.

"Oh Spike, you really shouldn't exert yourself or you'll wind up with an even worse injury," Fluttershy whispered tenderly, stepping forward and gently nudging Spike back further into the couch with her hooves.

Spike looked to his side after he was back firmly on the couch and noticed a familiar cute little white rabbit standing on the table next to him, tapping its foot impatiently.

"Looks like someone's a little cranky that they aren't getting any attention, aren't they?" Fluttershy cooed, trying to soothe the irritated rabbit.

The rabbit pointed accusingly at Spike before hopping up onto the wooden table beside the couch. Once on the table, the rabbit reached into the food bowl that rest on it, pulling out a ripe yellow lemon from among the randomly assorted healthy foods. It began to do a rather vulgar thrusting motion into the lemon it had just grabbed, wiping 'sweat' from its brow as it continued the tantrum.

"Oh," Fluttershy sighed, her eyes avoiding the grumpy rabbit and lowering timidly to her hooves. "I know, Angel," piped the pink-maned Pegasus shortly after being interrupted by an angry squeak from Angel. "But he really does need help, and at least another hour or two of rest."

Angel Bunny dropped the lemon and hopped back to the bowl of produce, grabbing a baby carrot and rubbing his paw up and down its surface repeatedly. The tiny rabbit held the carrot up, sucking on the tip suggestively, never actually biting into it. The rabbit hopped over to a nightstand once more after dropping the now-wet carrot and grasped a glass of milk between its paws, throwing the glass's contents into face and mane of the yellow-coated Pegasus.

Angel's innuendo-filled tantrum seemed to have fallen on a blind eye. Fluttershy gave a gentle sigh as she wiped the frosty milk out of her soggy, pink mane. Eventually, after a few minutes of the angst-filled bunny scurrying from spot to spot, and performing lewd gestures on varying pieces of furniture and produce, the small rabbit gave up, sitting down on the soft green couch beside Spike, panting for air.

"I'm sorry, Spike," gently flapping her wings for balance, the lemon-coated mare stooped over and gently scooped up Angel with her forehooves, holding him close to her breast for comfort. As Fluttershy floated away, Angel in hoof, the small rabbit continued to squeal in irritation, aiming several vulgar hand gestures in Spike's direction.

"Angel is just grumpy because he hasn't had his usual carrot casserole for breakfast. I'm going to go get him some food to fill his little tummy, you stay right there and rest," Fluttershy chirped, shortly before disappearing back into the kitchen once more.

***

Spike felt as though he would not be able to bare the embarrassment of the situation for another second longer. After Fluttershy had finished tending to him, and only when she was completely convinced that he had healed entirely, she had reluctantly allowed him to leave. Oddly enough, he was actually rather glad to be free of her tender care; this allowed him to avoid stumbling upon the subject of his story a third time.

Despite the events at Fluttershy's cabin, Spike was resolute, keeping his mind firmly locked on the errands Twilight had entrusted him with. She couldn't still be mad about this, could she?

Twilight probably thought up a whole new slew of curse words to use on me, Spike thought, grimly.

Though the day outside was scheduled to be clear and sunny, Spike was still able to spot a rather low-hanging cloud by craning his neck only slightly. Upon spotting a pair of cyan colored legs dangling over the side of said cloud, Spike gave a panicked grunt and covered his face, hoping to avoid another humiliating encounter with one of his closest friends.

The rainbow-maned Pegasus sitting atop the soft puffy mass gave a loud cry, breaking into what seemed to be another of many fits of laughter. She kicked her hind legs up in the air as she clutched the manuscript close to her, struggling to breathe as she wiped a tear away with the side of her hoof.

Oh, Celestia! Rainbow Dash has one too, doesn't she?, Spike thought, as he attempted to creep past.

He had nearly passed by, and had begun breathing a sigh of relief, when he heard a raspy voice shouting after him.

"Hey, Spike!" Rainbow Dash called, unable to suppress the few stray whinnies and giggles bursting from her snout. "You're just a regular J.K. Foaling, arentcha?" the blue Pegasus squealed before rolling onto her back again, another wave of giggles and snorts overcoming her as she struggled to breathe.

Spike gave a grunt as he covered his face and continued walking down the cobblestone street. All of the embarrassment that had come from this one story was starting to take a toll on him, and he wasn't sure if he had enough bits for the next booth. Looking behind him, Spike caught a slightly out of place image. It was one of Rainbow Dash wobbling recklessly down from the low flying cloud, as she battled her laughter.

"W-wait! Hold up!" Rainbow Dash called after Spike. She swiftly flew after him, coming to a gentle hover that blocked his path. "S-Spike, you should make a sequel!" Rainbow stated, her tone completely sincere.

"What? Really?" Spike asked in a confused tone. He wasn't at all sure how to feel about Rainbow's reaction, but at least she was being encouraging.

"Yeah, I loved the original," began the cyan Pegasus, her lips curling into a devious smirk. "I'd love to see Part Two: The Elements of Horniness," Rainbow gasped, collapsing on her back again as she struggled with laughter, kicking her hooves in the air in a fit of hysterics.

Spike gave a loud groan, turning and hurrying off down the rough lane after planting his claws firmly over his ears so he would not have to bare Rainbow's deep enjoyment of his suffering.

Rainbow grunted, pushing up onto her hooves, and called after the purple dragon "'Now hold on tight, ya'll!' The rust-colored Pegasus groans as-" Rainbow's tangent was interrupted by another fit of giggles and squeals of loud, animated laughter.

***

It was a Saturday, so the Carousel Boutique was closed for the afternoon. This meant that Rarity, and sometimes her younger sister Sweetie Belle, would be the only ponies inside the store, if at all. Spike had been given chores as a partial punishment from Twilight, and though the lavender unicorn knew that chores with Rarity would be a reward more than a punishment for Spike, she had decided to go easy on him since she had given him a thorough set of words to add to the library's dictionary earlier that morning.

Spike gave a gentle sigh as he stepped up to the boutique, knocking politely on the door. He began pacing up and down the path in front of the store, and he was about to walk back to the library when the door chimed open, revealing an attractive unicorn with a white coat and a beautiful purple mane that Spike knew all too well.

"Oh, it's you," Rarity spat, her eyes narrowing in distaste as she looked the baby dragon. She sighed, turning and trotting back inside the boutique with her nose held high, leaving a confused Spike standing outside. After a few moments, Spike gave a rueful groan, almost knowing what would come next as he hurried into the store behind the white coated unicorn.

The circular interior of the boutique was a shocking combination of varying shades of pink and purple. All around the inside of the fashion shop were regal looking banners and curtains that hosted daring splashes of color that complimented the rest of the room. To the right of the entrance was a stand used for modeling costumes and dresses. To the immediate left of the entryway was a small desk that held a pile of papers and order forms from the varying clients of the boutique. The desk that Rarity was working at was situated next to a large dresser. This dresser usually contained the boutique's supply of materials and cloth for any of your dressmaking needs.

"Twilight sent me over to pick up some red bindings for her books," Spike began, shortly. His voiced trailed away as he watched Rarity work in silence, pointedly staring away from him and down at the fabric she was tending to.

Her silence was deafening, but he tried to work around it. He crept around the circular boutique, stepping up beside his idol with a sheepish grin. He raised a lone claw, gently prodding Rarity's side with it before scooting back a step to avoid any flying objects that may have come as a result of the poke. None came however, and he pressed on.

"Hey, uh, Rarity ... I hope you aren't mad because of my story," Spike mused, his hands behind his back as he tried to look his most polite for the charming unicorn mare. "I didn't mean to offend anypony, honest!" pleaded Spike, clearly desperate for her to understand his side of the story.

Rarity let out an irritated huff, but otherwise ignored the depressed dragon pleading behind her. She continued working, otherwise oblivious to Spike's presence in the room.

"Well, uh ... I'm just going to go get those book bindings then, Rarity," he muttered, disappointed with his failure at cheering up his long-time crush. He too gave a huff, and turned to stride over to the large dresser that Rarity often used for storing materials and sewing equipment. Opening the first and second drawers closest to the floor revealed contents consisting of only scraps of unused and cut up cloth, and spools that had run out of thread. The third drawer, which was apparently jammed shut, took a little more effort for Spike to open, but he eventually managed to pry it free.

Spike found himself doing a double, and then triple take upon seeing the contents of the third drawer. After a few moments of simply staring down into the wooden container, he decided that he now knew how Rarity was able to keep such a relaxed demeanor despite her stressful vocation. He stepped back from the drawer, the look of shock that had frozen on his face melting away as a look of pure horror replaced it.

The young, purple dragon soon found himself fearing for his life given the size of Rarity's 'assets'. He gasped and turned tail, sprinting out of the boutique at top speed with the bindings trailing on the ground behind him; soon they were ruined with the dust he had kicked up in his haste.

Rarity blinked, looking behind her after hearing the tinkle of the boutique's front door.

"Uhh, Spikey?" she muttered, looking around for a moment before shrugging. She had almost turned back to her work when she spotted her dresser in the corner, several drawers still open. She turned, casually trotting over and peering down into the third container. The white unicorn gave a gasp of horror at what she saw.

"Ugh, I keep telling Sweetie Belle not to leave mannequin legs in the supply dresser," Rarity spoke to herself. Her horn ignited with blue magic as she lifted the contents of the drawer up, setting them in a pile beside the dresser.

***

Stopping to catch his breath, the dragon turned to gauge the distance he had put between himself and the Boutique. Satisfied with the fact that his former crush had not come galloping after him with a blunt instrument, Spike took a seat on the ground to get his bearings before he would continue back to the library.

"Let's see," The baby dragon mused to himself, still panting from exhaustion, "We got Lyra's house, the town hall, Sugarcube Corner, Quills and Sofas," Spike's eyes widened as he looked back at the titular gingerbread-themed pastry house. His muscles tensed as his blood quickly filled with adrenaline. "Oh no."

Like a bat out of Tartarus, Spike took off in no particular direction. His only concern, seemingly, to get as far away from the bakery as quickly as his little legs could take him.

Though soon losing his way, Spike eventually found himself in the Ponyville marketplace, a bustling sector of town rife with mares and stallions buying and selling all sorts of assorted wares and foodstuffs. While he wandered the bazaar, Spike did his best to keep away from any apple stands, or anything else a hyperactive party pony would try to pop out of. The cute, green dragon did not actually have a fully-realized escape plan, but he wasn't just going to lie down and let her catch him.

Ducking down behind a cart of radishes (which he had hoped Pinkie hated), the dragon diligently scanned the crowd for any signs of his pursuer. He took a quick moment to thank his lucky stars that pink was such an easy color to spot in a crowd, and then moved on, at least semi-confident that she was some ways away. However, this confidence was soon shattered when he peaked at his right claw to find a small, red dot resting on the palm. A dot which hastily migrated to his forehead.

Clenching his teeth, Spike darted off through what he hoped was the path back to the library. He passed through several stands and carts, almost knocking a few over in his mad dash for life and limb. As he neared the edge of the market, and a suspiciously large house, a shadow began to form over him. Starting small, the silhouette of the eccentric assailant grew almost exponentially, culminating with the enraged earth pony mare, clad in a black stealth suit and yellow goggles, landing atop the unfortunate dragon, her left forehoof pinning his right claw behind his back.

"Spike, you broke a Pinkie Promise!" the eccentric pink mare growled through clenched, grinding teeth as she held the helpless dragon down against the dusty path. "You remember the deal, mister!" she added, threateningly as she pushed more into her scaled victim. "So now," she continued, her voice taking on a dangerous tone as she stepped off of him. Spike could only assume that she was rising to deliver a killing blow.

No strike came however. After a few moments of being tensed up in fear, the young dragon stood, looking cautiously behind himself to face his assailant.

"Ahem. Article 2, section 3B of the Neighvember 24th Pinkie Promise: Should the undersigned, that's you, ever write an erotic novel about the events regarding the return of Nightmare Moon, it is agreed that the contract holder, that's me, silly, should share a sensual scene with each and every one of my bestest friends."

Spike's jaw dropped.

***

Not long later, Spike was on his way home to give Twilight her book bindings. He still couldn't understand why Pinkie was so eager to see a 'special edition' to his story. He had assumed that he would meet a more sinister fate as a result of his story, but Pinkie had seemed to have gotten at least some entertainment from his writing. She was, so to speak, tickled pink at the idea of Spike's second edition.

In truth, Spike had been dreading this moment all day. He was tired, abused, and now downright baffled. The lights of the Ponyville library had been dimmed to accommodate the evening rays provided by the now setting sun. Pushing past the door into the library, Spike was greeted with the familiar creaking noise he heard every time he came and went through that front door for the past few years. A cursory glance around the library found Twilight Sparkle finishing up organizing the last of the papers that had been scattered on the desk earlier that morning.

"Hey, Twilight," Spike muttered, as he gently nudged his foot against the door behind him, closing it with a soft 'click'. "I got those bookbindings you asked for."

The lavender mare looked up in surprise. She turned to face Spike, raising a hoof in apparent concern.

"Spike, where have you been? I only sent you to get bookbindings, and you're nearly two hours later than I expected you back here," shot Twilight, her eyes narrowing as she inspected the young dragon with a pinch of scrutiny.

"Uh, well," Spike began, lifting his free claw and awkwardly scratching the back of his scaled head. "I got caught up in a few things, I guess. Lost track of time, y'know?" he offered, hoping she would see things from his point of view. He had not had an easy day, and it was all because of a few scraps of smut.

With that, Spike plodded over, carefully sliding the bindings up on the desk next to Twilight.

"I think I'm gonna hit the hay, Twilight. I had a pretty rough time today," Spike yawned, turning and heading off towards the stairs that led up to the bedroom. He had nearly begun to climb them, his stomach fluttering with victory at having avoided another shouting session, when Twilight suddenly called out to him.

"S-Spike, wait," The purple unicorn asked, sheepishly, her hoof kicking against the ground gently. Her eyes stared at the dusty, wooden floor as she seemed to contemplate her words seriously before speaking them. "I ... uhm, I enjoyed your story, Spike."

Spike froze in place, blinking repeatedly. He raised a claw and scratched his head, clearly confused, before turning back to face his mentor. She was looking up at him with a new found confidence that she had not had before.

"I liked it so well, in fact," Twilight announced in a loud whisper, slowly stepping forward, her long eyelashes batting softly as her voice adopted a more slow, sultry tone that gave Spike chills. "I wanted to give you a little treat."

Spike felt a warmness in his cheeks that he had come to know like the back of his claw. He couldn't remove his eyes from Twilight as she approached him, a slight sway in her step that had him blinking continuously, drinking in her image as she came closer with each passing moment. The warmness in Spike's cheeks had spread all throughout his body, as he felt himself becoming slightly intoxicated with the encounter.

Twilight let out a low purring noise one might associate with a cat, her horn igniting as a purple, magical field wrapped slowly around Spike and licked at his form.

He soon found himself lifted gently into the air by Twilight's magic. Soon after, chills spread all through his form as he slipped into a bucket, filled with icy water.

"Bath time!" Twilight exclaimed, a smug grin plastered on her face.

***

The next morning, Twilight and Rarity sat quietly underneath an umbrella table as they eagerly consumed their daffodil sandwiches. The air was warm, and the sun was shining brightly as ponies all across town ran about their various tasks, some stopping and talking to friends, and others simply passing through.

"I'm glad all of this Spike business is over and done with, Twilight," Rarity announced in a relieved fashion, before patting her cheeks gently with a napkin, wiping away bits of uneaten daffodil and corn bread.

"Me, too. I just hope that he learned a lesson from all this. In fact, I think this would make for a wonderful letter to the princess!" Twilight mused, smiling brightly at the opportunity.

"What was that awful story of his called anyway?" Rarity asked, her curiosity piqued as she touched a hoof to her chin.

Twilight shuddered, uttering the title with a vile air of disgust and revulsion capturing her voice.

"Friendship is Sexy."

Trouble in Ponyville (Clean Version)

By Sectus
Co-written by RWG

"SPIIIIIIKE?!"

The high pitched cry rang throughout the library, giving the young purple dragon a good jolt. In a state of near panic, he dropped his quill and parchment and quickly pushed away from the table at which he sat.

"Uh," He stammered, crouching under his desk to retrieve his work from the wooden floor. "Y-yes, Twilight?"

"We've got to hurry, Spike! We're supposed to meet Rainbow Dash in thirty minutes with my presentation on cloud seeding! Stop fooling around and help me find my papers."

Spike gave a disgruntled sigh as he hopped down from the wooden stool, landing on the floor with a soft 'thud'. Obediently, he hurried over to help his mentor in her search for the missing report. Within the span of a minute, he had somehow found himself digging frantically through the bedroom mattresses in pursuit of her lost papers.

"Oh, and Spike," Twilight began, suddenly remembering something important. "Did you remember to send yesterday's friendship report?"

"Huh?" Spike replied, briefly surfacing from a pile of blankets and other assorted bedding. "Oh, that thing. Yeah, I sent it right before I went to bed," he replied, offhandedly.

***

"I must say..." The elegant, white alicorn blushed, taking another sip of her tea. "This isn't much like Twilight's usual reports, but still very educational! I had never taken the time to appreciate all the effort that goes into creating cirrus clouds."

***

Twilight's horn glowed a hearty lavender, as she levitated several old books from around her study.

"No... Wrong... This one's been outdated for hours now..." She droned as she pushed aside paper after paper in frustration. "Okay, breathe, Twilight. Breathe. Where was the last place you left it?" her eyes drifted to a few pieces of paper left haphazardly on her desk. Without hesitation, she trotted over to check if they were what she was looking for, levitating them up as she ran.

"Okay … white and gooey … licked like an ice cream cone …" Twilight read to herself, her eyes narrowing before she took another glance at the paper. "Wait, filled with wet cream? That doesn't sound like-"

Spike interrupted her examination of the paper by tumbling down the stairs claw over foot, the blue blankets still wrapped around his form. He gave a soft groan as he stood up, shaking free of the cloth.

"Never mind, Spike, I found it. Let's go, before we're late!" Twilight flared, her horn igniting with light purple magic as she strapped on her saddlebags, stowing the papers inside of it in a hurried rush.

***

In about five minutes, Spike and Twilight had reached the town square. It hadn't been easy, and they had both managed to bump into several ponies, offering many subsequent apologies before arriving at their destination.

"Ugh, finally," groaned Spike from atop Twilight's back, folding his arms. "I was starting to think we were running in circles!"

"Oh hush, Spike. Stay here, and try not to get in trouble while I am gone," Twilight lashed back in a harsh tone. She sat on her haunches long enough to allow the small purple dragon to slide from her back, before dashing off towards the stage that was the center of all the gathered ponies' attention.

"It is with great pleasure that I welcome Twilight Sparkle! She is here to give her long awaited presentation on cloud seeding!" Mayor Mare announced with a graceful sweep of her hoof, before backing off of the stage. Twilight soon had the attention of the entire crowd as she trotted up to the podium.

"Thank you, madam Mayor!" Twilight bellowed appreciatively to the graying pony who had stepped down from the platform. Twilight sighed in preparation, her horn glowing bright purple as her magic grabbed the few papers that were stowed inside of her saddlebags, bringing them up and setting them atop the podium in front of her.

The lavender pony gave a gentle cough, clearing her throat as she looked down at the papers, and began reading.

Soon after, Twilight found herself reading a mass of smut and offensive rubbish. Clearly, this was something Spike had written, and didn't want Twilight to see, but the damage had already been done.

Back in reality, Twilight Sparkle's face turned a deep maroon as she looked up from the paper to the crowd, which stood nearly paralyzed in disgust at what they had just heard. Though she had stopped reading, it was clear that she had revealed more than enough to embarrass herself into oblivion.

***

About an hour later, Spike was walking the streets of Ponyville, his head bowed in shame of what had happened in the time since Twilight's speech. Immediately after Twilight had managed to escape from the many spiteful glares of ponies all around, she had given Spike a long scolding that involved many creative curse words, including one about a donkey and every apple tree in Sweet Apple Acres.

The small, purple dragon gave a pitiful sigh as he walked, stepping through a small puddle of mud in the ground. He couldn't seem to understand why he was being yelled at when it was Twilight's fault for not being more careful.

"Uh ... hay there sugarcube ..." came a familiar voice from behind Spike. He stopped in his tracks, raising his eyebrows in surprise upon noticing that somepony had bothered to address him after all this.

"Hi, Applejack ... are you still mad at me?" Spike asked nervously, dust moving in the air with a gentle poof as he kicked the ground, awkwardly.

"Mad? Now why n' tarnation would ah be mad?" Applejack scoffed, sarcastically. "Since that speech, everypony in town starts whisperin' every time ah mention a family reunion. Heck, Big Macintosh has even been askin' ta have his name changed ta 'Normal Macintosh'," she admitted, a small amount of spite held within her sarcastic phrase.

"I'm sorry Applejack, I really am ... it's just kind of boring at Twilight's library, and I thought it would be an interesting project," Spike replied, ruefully, folding his arms as he tried to contain his embarrassment from bursting forth.

"Well next time, try thinkin' about how other ponyfolk are gonna react to somethin' before ya actually go n' do it," the southern pony shot with a soft frown down at the purple dragon.

Applejack had no sooner turned and began trotting off down the lane than Applebloom had shown up following behind her big sister.

"Hey, Applebloom!" Spike called out politely. "Did you catch the game last ni-" The baby dragon was unfortunately interrupted by a pair of bright yellow hooves colliding violently with his jawline.

The last thing Spike heard before he slipped into unconsciousness was Applebloom shouting "Yeah, who's a peter pincushion now, Spike?" the lights in his head going dark as he viewed her trotting off merrily beside her big sister.

***

The green, purple, and now black and blue dragon awoke what seemed like hours later surrounded by a horde of adorable woodland critters. He sat up with a jolt, the small horde of critters around him dashing away as he did so. After a few minutes, he realized that he was sitting safely inside Fluttershy's wooden cabin on the edge of town. He felt his head gently in his stupor, finding his claws wrapping around a warm red water bottle that had been placed gingerly over his injured jaw. He removed the bottle, lying it down on the couch beside him.

The room had a cozy feel to it. All around the small interior of Fluttershy's cabin were various play forts and animal chew toys. There were at least four entrances to the room Spike was in, to his right was a tall wooden staircase which he suspected would lead to Fluttershy's living quarters. The front door straight in front of him was closed, and firmly locked. To his immediate right was a small wooden table that held a bowl containing various fruits and vegetables. Beside it was a glass of cold milk. The door to the kitchen was slightly ajar, suggesting that someone had passed through it recently.

"H-Hello?" Spike called, looking all around the interior of the small wooden abode for his savior. He found it difficult to move his jaw without causing pain to shoot all throughout his head. After a few moments, a small yellow Pegasus timidly peered into the living area from the kitchen before giving a bright smile. A moment later she had eagerly stepped into the room.

"Oh ... Spike, I'm glad you're okay," the yellow Pegasus asserted in a soft and anxious voice. It was clear that her care for Spike was genuine. "I was so worried ... I found you lying on the street, and you wouldn't move," she croaked, her bright green eyes going wide as she told what was obviously a terrifying tale for her to the small purple dragon. He didn't seem as phased.

"Yeah," Spike grunted, awkwardly scratching the back of his head with a claw. "Apparently Applebloom didn't like my story so well." He gave the yellow Pegasus a weak chuckle. The young dragon gently cupped his sore jaw as another bolt of pain shot through it.

"Oh ... that," Fluttershy whimpered in her soft, silky voice. The timid Pegasus seemed to almost shrink away from Spike at the very mention of such a thing.

"Don't tell me you've read it all too!" Spike wailed, face-clawing at the situation he was now in. It didn't seem like this day could possibly become any worse. His self-pity was soon washed away, as a new wave of pain overcame him as a result of this ill-decided motion. He gave a grimace, barely able to contain a groan of misery.

"Oh Spike, you really shouldn't exert yourself or you'll wind up with an even worse injury," Fluttershy whispered tenderly, stepping forward and gently nudging Spike back further into the couch with her hooves.

Spike looked to his side after he was back firmly on the couch and noticed a familiar cute little white rabbit standing on the table next to him, tapping its foot impatiently.

"Looks like someone's a little cranky that they aren't getting any attention, aren't they?" Fluttershy cooed, trying to soothe the irritated rabbit.

The rabbit pointed accusingly at Spike before hopping up onto the wooden table beside the couch. Once on the table, the rabbit reached into the food bowl that rest on it, pulling out a ripe yellow lemon from among the randomly assorted healthy foods. It began to do a rather vulgar thrusting motion into the lemon it had just grabbed, wiping 'sweat' from its brow as it continued the tantrum.

"Oh," Fluttershy sighed, her eyes avoiding the grumpy rabbit and lowering timidly to her hooves. "I know, Angel," piped the pink-maned Pegasus shortly after being interrupted by an angry squeak from Angel. "But he really does need help, and at least another hour or two of rest."

Angel Bunny dropped the lemon and hopped back to the bowl of produce, grabbing a baby carrot and rubbing his paw up and down its surface repeatedly. The tiny rabbit held the carrot up, sucking on the tip suggestively, never actually biting into it. The rabbit hopped over to a nightstand once more after dropping the now-wet carrot and grasped a glass of milk between its paws, throwing the glass's contents into face and mane of the yellow-coated Pegasus.

Angel's innuendo-filled tantrum seemed to have fallen on a blind eye. Fluttershy gave a gentle sigh as she wiped the frosty milk out of her soggy, pink mane. Eventually, after a few minutes of the angst-filled bunny scurrying from spot to spot, and performing lewd gestures on varying pieces of furniture and produce, the small rabbit gave up, sitting down on the soft green couch beside Spike, panting for air.

"I'm sorry, Spike," gently flapping her wings for balance, the lemon-coated mare stooped over and gently scooped up Angel with her forehooves, holding him close to her breast for comfort. As Fluttershy floated away, Angel in hoof, the small rabbit continued to squeal in irritation, aiming several vulgar hand gestures in Spike's direction.

"Angel is just grumpy because he hasn't had his usual carrot casserole for breakfast. I'm going to go get him some food to fill his little tummy, you stay right there and rest," Fluttershy chirped, shortly before disappearing back into the kitchen once more.

***

Spike felt as though he would not be able to bare the embarrassment of the situation for another second longer. After Fluttershy had finished tending to him, and only when she was completely convinced that he had healed entirely, she had reluctantly allowed him to leave. Oddly enough, he was actually rather glad to be free of her tender care; this allowed him to avoid stumbling upon the subject of his story a third time.

Despite the events at Fluttershy's cabin, Spike was resolute, keeping his mind firmly locked on the errands Twilight had entrusted him with. She couldn't still be mad about this, could she?

Twilight probably thought up a whole new slew of curse words to use on me, Spike thought, grimly.

Though the day outside was scheduled to be clear and sunny, Spike was still able to spot a rather low-hanging cloud by craning his neck only slightly. Upon spotting a pair of cyan colored legs dangling over the side of said cloud, Spike gave a panicked grunt and covered his face, hoping to avoid another humiliating encounter with one of his closest friends.

The rainbow-maned Pegasus sitting atop the soft puffy mass gave a loud cry, breaking into what seemed to be another of many fits of laughter. She kicked her hind legs up in the air as she clutched the manuscript close to her, struggling to breathe as she wiped a tear away with the side of her hoof.

Oh, Celestia! Rainbow Dash has one too, doesn't she?, Spike thought, as he attempted to creep past.

He had nearly passed by, and had begun breathing a sigh of relief, when he heard a raspy voice shouting after him.

"Hey, Spike!" Rainbow Dash called, unable to suppress the few stray whinnies and giggles bursting from her snout. "You're just a regular J.K. Foaling, arentcha?" the blue Pegasus squealed before rolling onto her back again, another wave of giggles and snorts overcoming her as she struggled to breathe.

Spike gave a grunt as he covered his face and continued walking down the cobblestone street. All of the embarrassment that had come from this one story was starting to take a toll on him, and he wasn't sure if he had enough bits for the next booth. Looking behind him, Spike caught a slightly out of place image. It was one of Rainbow Dash wobbling recklessly down from the low flying cloud, as she battled her laughter.

"W-wait! Hold up!" Rainbow Dash called after Spike. She swiftly flew after him, coming to a gentle hover that blocked his path. "S-Spike, you should make a sequel!" Rainbow stated, her tone completely sincere.

"What? Really?" Spike asked in a confused tone. He wasn't at all sure how to feel about Rainbow's reaction, but at least she was being encouraging.

"Yeah, I loved the original," began the cyan Pegasus, her lips curling into a devious smirk. "I'd love to see Part Two: The Elements of Horniness," Rainbow gasped, collapsing on her back again as she struggled with laughter, kicking her hooves in the air in a fit of hysterics.

Spike gave a loud groan, turning and hurrying off down the rough lane after planting his claws firmly over his ears so he would not have to bare Rainbow's deep enjoyment of his suffering.

Rainbow grunted, pushing up onto her hooves, and called after the purple dragon "'Now hold on tight, ya'll!' The rust-colored Pegasus groans as-" Rainbow's tangent was interrupted by another fit of giggles and squeals of loud, animated laughter.

***

It was a Saturday, so the Carousel Boutique was closed for the afternoon. This meant that Rarity, and sometimes her younger sister Sweetie Belle, would be the only ponies inside the store, if at all. Spike had been given chores as a partial punishment from Twilight, and though the lavender unicorn knew that chores with Rarity would be a reward more than a punishment for Spike, she had decided to go easy on him since she had given him a thorough set of words to add to the library's dictionary earlier that morning.

Spike gave a gentle sigh as he stepped up to the boutique, knocking politely on the door. He began pacing up and down the path in front of the store, and he was about to walk back to the library when the door chimed open, revealing an attractive unicorn with a white coat and a beautiful purple mane that Spike knew all too well.

"Oh, it's you," Rarity spat, her eyes narrowing in distaste as she looked the baby dragon. She sighed, turning and trotting back inside the boutique with her nose held high, leaving a confused Spike standing outside. After a few moments, Spike gave a rueful groan, almost knowing what would come next as he hurried into the store behind the white coated unicorn.

The circular interior of the boutique was a shocking combination of varying shades of pink and purple. All around the inside of the fashion shop were regal looking banners and curtains that hosted daring splashes of color that complimented the rest of the room. To the right of the entrance was a stand used for modeling costumes and dresses. To the immediate left of the entryway was a small desk that held a pile of papers and order forms from the varying clients of the boutique. The desk that Rarity was working at was situated next to a large dresser. This dresser usually contained the boutique's supply of materials and cloth for any of your dressmaking needs.

"Twilight sent me over to pick up some red bindings for her books," Spike began, shortly. His voiced trailed away as he watched Rarity work in silence, pointedly staring away from him and down at the fabric she was tending to.

Her silence was deafening, but he tried to work around it. He crept around the circular boutique, stepping up beside his idol with a sheepish grin. He raised a lone claw, gently prodding Rarity's side with it before scooting back a step to avoid any flying objects that may have come as a result of the poke. None came however, and he pressed on.

"Hey, uh, Rarity ... I hope you aren't mad because of my story," Spike mused, his hands behind his back as he tried to look his most polite for the charming unicorn mare. "I didn't mean to offend anypony, honest!" pleaded Spike, clearly desperate for her to understand his side of the story.

Rarity let out an irritated huff, but otherwise ignored the depressed dragon pleading behind her. She continued working, otherwise oblivious to Spike's presence in the room.

"Well, uh ... I'm just going to go get those book bindings then, Rarity," he muttered, disappointed with his failure at cheering up his long-time crush. He too gave a huff, and turned to stride over to the large dresser that Rarity often used for storing materials and sewing equipment. Opening the first and second drawers closest to the floor revealed contents consisting of only scraps of unused and cut up cloth, and spools that had run out of thread. The third drawer, which was apparently jammed shut, took a little more effort for Spike to open, but he eventually managed to pry it free.

Spike found himself doing a double, and then triple take upon seeing the contents of the third drawer. After a few moments of simply staring down into the wooden container, he decided that he now knew how Rarity was able to keep such a relaxed demeanor despite her stressful vocation. He stepped back from the drawer, the look of shock that had frozen on his face melting away as a look of pure horror replaced it.

The young, purple dragon soon found himself fearing for his life given the size of Rarity's 'assets'. He gasped and turned tail, sprinting out of the boutique at top speed with the bindings trailing on the ground behind him; soon they were ruined with the dust he had kicked up in his haste.

Rarity blinked, looking behind her after hearing the tinkle of the boutique's front door.

"Uhh, Spikey?" she muttered, looking around for a moment before shrugging. She had almost turned back to her work when she spotted her dresser in the corner, several drawers still open. She turned, casually trotting over and peering down into the third container. The white unicorn gave a gasp of horror at what she saw.

"Ugh, I keep telling Sweetie Belle not to leave mannequin legs in the supply dresser," Rarity spoke to herself. Her horn ignited with blue magic as she lifted the contents of the drawer up, setting them in a pile beside the dresser.

***

Stopping to catch his breath, the dragon turned to gauge the distance he had put between himself and the Boutique. Satisfied with the fact that his former crush had not come galloping after him with a blunt instrument, Spike took a seat on the ground to get his bearings before he would continue back to the library.

"Let's see," The baby dragon mused to himself, still panting from exhaustion, "We got Lyra's house, the town hall, Sugarcube Corner, Quills and Sofas," Spike's eyes widened as he looked back at the titular gingerbread-themed pastry house. His muscles tensed as his blood quickly filled with adrenaline. "Oh no."

Like a bat out of Tartarus, Spike took off in no particular direction. His only concern, seemingly, to get as far away from the bakery as quickly as his little legs could take him.

Though soon losing his way, Spike eventually found himself in the Ponyville marketplace, a bustling sector of town rife with mares and stallions buying and selling all sorts of assorted wares and foodstuffs. While he wandered the bazaar, Spike did his best to keep away from any apple stands, or anything else a hyperactive party pony would try to pop out of. The cute, green dragon did not actually have a fully-realized escape plan, but he wasn't just going to lie down and let her catch him.

Ducking down behind a cart of radishes (which he had hoped Pinkie hated), the dragon diligently scanned the crowd for any signs of his pursuer. He took a quick moment to thank his lucky stars that pink was such an easy color to spot in a crowd, and then moved on, at least semi-confident that she was some ways away. However, this confidence was soon shattered when he peaked at his right claw to find a small, red dot resting on the palm. A dot which hastily migrated to his forehead.

Clenching his teeth, Spike darted off through what he hoped was the path back to the library. He passed through several stands and carts, almost knocking a few over in his mad dash for life and limb. As he neared the edge of the market, and a suspiciously large house, a shadow began to form over him. Starting small, the silhouette of the eccentric assailant grew almost exponentially, culminating with the enraged earth pony mare, clad in a black stealth suit and yellow goggles, landing atop the unfortunate dragon, her left forehoof pinning his right claw behind his back.

"Spike, you broke a Pinkie Promise!" the eccentric pink mare growled through clenched, grinding teeth as she held the helpless dragon down against the dusty path. "You remember the deal, mister!" she added, threateningly as she pushed more into her scaled victim. "So now," she continued, her voice taking on a dangerous tone as she stepped off of him. Spike could only assume that she was rising to deliver a killing blow.

No strike came however. After a few moments of being tensed up in fear, the young dragon stood, looking cautiously behind himself to face his assailant.

"Ahem. Article 2, section 3B of the Neighvember 24th Pinkie Promise: Should the undersigned, that's you, ever write an erotic novel about the events regarding the return of Nightmare Moon, it is agreed that the contract holder, that's me, silly, should share a sensual scene with each and every one of my bestest friends."

Spike's jaw dropped.

***

Not long later, Spike was on his way home to give Twilight her book bindings. He still couldn't understand why Pinkie was so eager to see a ‘special edition’ to his story. He had assumed that he would meet a more sinister fate as a result of his story, but Pinkie had seemed to have gotten at least some entertainment from his writing. She was, so to speak, tickled pink at the idea of Spike's second edition.

In truth, Spike had been dreading this moment all day. He was tired, abused, and now downright baffled. The lights of the Ponyville library had been dimmed to accommodate the evening rays provided by the now setting sun. Pushing past the door into the library, Spike was greeted with the familiar creaking noise he heard every time he came and went through that front door for the past few years. A cursory glance around the library found Twilight Sparkle finishing up organizing the last of the papers that had been scattered on the desk earlier that morning.

"Hey, Twilight," Spike muttered, as he gently nudged his foot against the door behind him, closing it with a soft 'click'. "I got those bookbindings you asked for."

The lavender mare looked up in surprise. She turned to face Spike, raising a hoof in apparent concern.

"Spike, where have you been? I only sent you to get bookbindings, and you're nearly two hours later than I expected you back here," shot Twilight, her eyes narrowing as she inspected the young dragon with a pinch of scrutiny.

"Uh, well," Spike began, lifting his free claw and awkwardly scratching the back of his scaled head. "I got caught up in a few things, I guess. Lost track of time, y'know?" he offered, hoping she would see things from his point of view. He had not had an easy day, and it was all because of a few scraps of smut.

With that, Spike plodded over, carefully sliding the bindings up on the desk next to Twilight.

"I think I'm gonna hit the hay, Twilight. I had a pretty rough time today," Spike yawned, turning and heading off towards the stairs that led up to the bedroom. He had nearly begun to climb them, his stomach fluttering with victory at having avoided another shouting session, when Twilight suddenly called out to him.

"S-Spike, wait," The purple unicorn asked, sheepishly, her hoof kicking against the ground gently. Her eyes stared at the dusty, wooden floor as she seemed to contemplate her words seriously before speaking them. "I ... uhm, I enjoyed your story, Spike."

Spike froze in place, blinking repeatedly. He raised a claw and scratched his head, clearly confused, before turning back to face his mentor. She was looking up at him with a new found confidence that she had not had before.

"I liked it so well, in fact," Twilight announced in a loud whisper, slowly stepping forward, her long eyelashes batting softly as her voice adopted a more slow, sultry tone that gave Spike chills. "I wanted to give you a little treat."

Spike felt a warmness in his cheeks that he had come to know like the back of his claw. He couldn't remove his eyes from Twilight as she approached him, a slight sway in her step that had him blinking continuously, drinking in her image as she came closer with each passing moment. The warmness in Spike's cheeks had spread all throughout his body, as he felt himself becoming slightly intoxicated with the encounter.

Twilight let out a low purring noise one might associate with a cat, her horn igniting as a purple, magical field wrapped slowly around Spike and licked at his form.

He soon found himself lifted gently into the air by Twilight's magic. Soon after, chills spread all through his form as he slipped into a bucket, filled with icy water.

"Bath time!" Twilight exclaimed, a smug grin plastered on her face.

***

The next morning, Twilight and Rarity sat quietly underneath an umbrella table as they eagerly consumed their daffodil sandwiches. The air was warm, and the sun was shining brightly as ponies all across town ran about their various tasks, some stopping and talking to friends, and others simply passing through.

"I'm glad all of this Spike business is over and done with, Twilight," Rarity announced in a relieved fashion, before patting her cheeks gently with a napkin, wiping away bits of uneaten daffodil and corn bread.

"Me, too. I just hope that he learned a lesson from all this. In fact, I think this would make for a wonderful letter to the princess!" Twilight mused, smiling brightly at the opportunity.

"What was that awful story of his called anyway?" Rarity asked, her curiosity piqued as she touched a hoof to her chin.

Twilight shuddered, uttering the title with a vile air of disgust and revulsion capturing her voice.

“Friendship is Sexy.”

Author's Note

Clean version