Just Another 'Phantom'

by Felixdragoon

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Adventure, Alternate Universe, Human
Length: 2111

Riley 'Phantom' Calterran goes on an epic adventure through Equestria. But only for the money.

Meet Riley 'Phantom' Calterran; one of Earth's assassains, even at the age of seventeen. But he remains unknown to the governments of the world. Why? His father, Jonathan Calterran, is currently the world's unknown head producer and distributor of drugs. Being in such a position makes him heir to his father's throne. But, one job his father sends him on goes terribly wrong, and he ends up in a strange new world. With multicolored ponies.

That have tattoos on their flanks and can talk.

But, Riley isn't stupid. He knows that in the fragile state the world is under, worshipping 'harmony' and without understanding of astrological physics, these ponies are stupider than he could have imagined. Phantom can finally get to see his wish come true…..

……To overthrow a government and take control……..

………If they stop using their cheap-ass magic…..

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2013-01-12 20:04:43 UTC

Bright Lights Don't Like Me

"That went well." I remarked sarcastically, glancing over my shoulder at the three dead guards laying on the ground. I gripped my knife tightly, remembering their arrogance once again.

That's the last time that any of them ever fuck with me.

I glanced back towards the stairwell, a small smile gathering on my lips. I quickly scuffled down the short flight of stairs, turning right and heading to the end of the hall as instructed by my father.

Great, I'm here. Now I just need to find this 'Doctor Ambrosa', which shouldn't be too hard. I thought, my smile growing slightly larger.

I opened the door that lay before me and I could clearly see Ambrosa running between desks scattered around his laboratory to a large, strange machine that lay on the far end, it's polished chrome surface vibrant before the solid grey of the concrete wall. Ambrosa was wearing a cliche lab coat. I let out a dry cough and he turned to me, shock filling his eyes as he took a step back.

"W-who are you? How did you get past my guards?" He asked angrily. I snorted.

"You didn't expect a seventeen year-old wearing a black hoodie and jeans to break into your lab, especially one who is armed and clearly is here to set you straight?" I asked sarcastically. "Because if the fact that I have a dragon tattoo printed around my eye and a pistol strapped to my waist, not to mention a bloody knife in my hand, I have no words for you."

He quickly fumbled with a switch for a second before turning back to me. The machine started to emit a low hum as it burst into life, blue energy starting to appear in the gap in the middle. Doctor Ambrosa smiled evilly.

"Neither you nor your father will be able to catch me now, Phantom. I bid you farewell." He sneered before running into the blue light.

I sighed and took a step towards the electric feild, before stopping and thinking for a second.

Alright Austin, what should I do?

My subconsious flickered for a second, the voice kicking in soon enough.

What's up, Riles?

The crazy bastard just ran into some sort of electric thing. Thoughts?

Chase him, kill the fucker.

Glad you agree. It's settled then.

I sprinted after him into the portal, feeling my mind spin as I entered a state of... Nothing. It was odd, but I could faintly sense a strong presence enveloping a certain direction. As if someone was nearby.

Well, you know what to do from here. As the voice in your head, I decree that I will... Be taking a nap. Good luck, bro.

You piece of shit.

I try.

I mentally sighed and started stretching towards the presence, feeling reality warping around me for a brief instant. I was suddenly shot out onto grass, but my eyes remained closed.

Well, I guess I should probably get up. First, lets open our eye-FUCKLETSNOTDOTHAT-God damn that was bright. Well, seeing as the sun wants to fuck with me, I'll get up first instead. I quickly regained my balance, and I stood up fast. My eyes shot open, and I only had to blink them a few times to get used to my surroundings now.

Shit.

What's going on, Riley?

Everything's too bright. Is everything going alright in there?

Well.....  I think so. Well, you did just go through... something. We may be high.

I can't hear you when I'm high, remember?

Oh yeah... Well, I guess the only other option is that we went through a portal.

A portal? Well, shit. How are we getting back?

Aww, so soon? But I thought you liked fucking up places like this.

.....You're right. Well, let's go look for something. Or someone.

...Is it possible for me to be sarcastic?

Yes, but shut up. I need to find out just where I am.

I glanced at my surroundings once again, focusing on the fact that I was indeed on grass, but was surrounded by trees covered in apples. Without thinking, I quickly tore one off it's branch and took a bite, feeling satisfied at the resounding taste filling my mouth, and a feeling of ecstacy came over me. I swallowed, savoring every last flavor that graced my taste buds. When I finished, I threw the core on the ground and turned around to find two ponies standing in front of me. The orange one was wearing a cowboy hat, while the purple one had a horn protruding from its forehead. They seemed to be glaring at me.

I take it back, I think I really am high.

I noticed a serious expression on the orange one's face, and the purple one looked at me like she was experiencing the ultimate mindfuck. I burst out laughing, leaning against the tree for support against what would have been an embarassing fall.

"What is this thing?" The purple one asked in a female' voice.

I paused for a second.

Austin, we have a problem.

I thought we had lots of problems.

Smartass, I mean that this problem is a little more major than what we had experienced before.

Invading a rival assassain's headquarters in southern china wasn't a major problem?

I said more major. The purple unicorn-pony thing just talked.

Ability to communicate shows sentience. So stop pissing around and communicate already.

"Hello?" I asked, glancing between them as they stared at me, befuddled.

"Um.... H-hello? My name is Twil-"

"I don't care."

"Excuse me?"

"I said, I don't care."

I wonder if alien ponies understand trolling?

They glanced at each other before fixing me with a glare.

"That was mighty rude." The orange one said in a southern accent.

I snorted before shrugging and starting to walk away. I heard a shout from behind me as suddenly a lasso was wrapped around my waist. I didn't waste a moment, quickly slicing through the rope with the knife I still held in my hand. I turned around and glared at them, before finally decided to talk to them legitimately.

"What the fuck do you want, orange?"

She glared daggers at me. "Mah name is Applejack, and I would appre-"

"I think the name Orange suits you better."

Come on, stop it, you're being a dumbass.

Scrooge.

She opened her mouth to retort, but I realized something for the first time, and I burst out laughing again when I saw it. "You have tattoos on your asses? What kind of fucked up world is this?" I roared, losing my balance and lying on the ground, laughing until my sides hurt.

You're a pain in the ass to work with, you know that?

I try.

Ass.

Trees Don't Like Me Either

After finally managing to calm down for a second, I glanced back up to see Orange scowling with annoyance.

"What's wrong, Orange? Never seen a human before?" I asked with a sly grin.

Purple looked shocked for a second. "You're a human? But.... You're nothing like the other!" She stamped her hoof in frustration.

I slowly leaned my head back down, rolling my eyes at her typical stereotyping.

Of course I'm not like any other humans. I mean, come on, I'm like-

How does she know about other humans?

Austin. Piss off. I'm in the zone here.

I can't piss off! I'm you! You have dissociative identity disorder, remember? After therapy you managed to keep me in your head, and you only let me out when I really need to take control of the situation.

Oh yeah....... Well, at least Shane isn't here. You may be my logic, but now is really not the time for emotions.

Hey, guys, did someone call me?

Shit.

Shane, piss off. Me and Austin are in the zone here.

I glanced up again with a slow shake of my head to see that Purple's horn was glowing. A sudden jolt of my knife and I was literally pulled to my feet.

"What the hell?" I whispered as I noticed that my knife was surrounded in the same aura that her horn was. And she was pulling with enough force to make any lesser human give up.

Riley... Wait. There's a flaw in her plan. She's trying to take the knife by pulling it towards her... If you let go of the knife, it should fly directly into her and at the very least give you some time to escape.

I flashed a shit-eating grin as I continued to pull on the knife for a second longer, before letting go of it and watching it fly into.... the tree right behind her.

We're screwed.

You still have your desert eagle, and there's no way this place has any legitimate weaponry.

You're right but.... Wait.... Where did Orange go?

I felt a sudden pressure around my waist as a rope was pulled tight and I fell to the ground, arms tied to my side.

"Not cool, Orange!" I shouted as she started to drag me across the ground.

She went on a winding path through the orchard, and I was desperately trying to wriggle my way out of the lasso. But, it was to no avail, as I continued to be dragged on paths that sent me careening into trees and knocking the apples off them. I swear I could hear some of my ribs break on one of the harder collisions.

As we neared the original location where Purple seemed to be studying my knife, the red from the earlier guard's blood long since gone, from the tree bark and the teleportation if nothing else.

I could feel my brain pounding against the inside of my skull, and I knew that I probably had a concussion. I slowly turned my head to where Orange was now standing over me with a smirk on her face.

"Well?" she asked. "Ready to go again?"

I coughed up some blood once before fixing her with a glance. "No, I'm good." I replied.

I flashed a small smile. "That was, by far, the most badass form of torture that anybody has ever done to me. I'm glad to know I'm among professionals." I sighed, before laying my head down on the cool grass.

She just snorted and walked back over to Purple, and they started conversing just out of my audio range.

How am I holding up in there?

We're fucked, just saying. You just had to go and make fun of an alien race of ponies. didn't you?

Not my fault she's into bondage.

Oh, shut up!

I let out a quiet groan as the headache returned with a vengeance, and I glanced down at my body. Dirt and blood stained every inch of my clothes, and I could only see the few black spots that were left untouched. My Deagle was still safely strapped to my waist, though I felt it crash into me when I hit some of the trees. I slowly raised my eyes as Purple and Orange came back towards me.

"Well, since I never got the chance earlier, I'm afraid we haven't introduced ourselves. My name is Twilight and this Is Applejack." Purple calmly stated, but with a hint of sarcasm in her voice.

I opened my mouth to reply, but Austin stopped me.

Let me handle this, I don't want you fucking everything up again.

Fine.

"I'm Phantom. I wish I could say that it's nice to meet you, but, I'm kind of dying here." Austin stated through me, and I could vaguely feel that I was still in control of my body.

Actually, It's pretty smart you kicked in there, or I might have gone on another run.

What would you have done without me?

Dying on almost every mission comes to mind.

Purple- er, Twilight shot me a confused glance for a second. "Are you alright? Your voice seemed to change while you talked." She pointed out.

I rolled my eyes. "I suffer from D.I.D." I told her.

The two mares glanced at each other before Applejack sighed.

As long as nothing major happens, we should be good,. Pray for the best.

I'm atheist, remember?

You still may need something other than me for comfort.

Yeah, let's go with that.

"We're taking you to meet our Princess, and she'll decide your punishment for nearly killing me. However, as we don't trust you at all, we're going to leave you in ropes for the time being." Twilight told me before I felt myself being dragged again, albeit this time more gently.

Nope, we're fucked. Good luck bud.