The Hollow Kingdom of Big Macintosh

Exhibit Y

This is purgatory. Rarity reminds him once or twice that it's just the hospital waiting room, but that isn't how it feels. The white walls and fluorescent lighting make it look like a waiting room, but that just isn't how it feels. It isn't a hallucination, just perception.

Neither Big Macintosh or Rarity knew what the protocol was for declaring yourself mentally unstable, so Big Macintosh just ended up asking to see his doctor as if he'd come in for persistent headaches or constant fatigue or even a board he'd accidentally nailed to his leg. Coming out and admitting what was up still wasn't sitting right with him. Rarity and his family were one thing, but his doctor was another. It isn't that he doesn't trust his doctor, but he just doesn't know him all that well.

All the waiting wasn't helping Big Macintosh be any less nervous. He wouldn't dream of turning back now, but he can tell the experience is going to be a strained one. It helps that Rarity is here with him, sitting quietly and calmly beside him. At the very least, he can feed off the confidence she's giving off. She's doing more to help than she probably realizes, and at least one pony is helping calm his nerves.

"What's taking so long?" Applejack had insisted on coming along. Big Macintosh had several concerns about her coming, concerns he divulged to his sister, concerns his sister said he wouldn't have to worry about, and concerns she had done nothing to dispel since their arrival. Sure enough, Big Macintosh was subjected to watch his sister pace back and forth with her brow knitted tight as they waited.

"Just be patient," Rarity tells her in an even voice, doing her utmost to play Applejack's antithesis.

"I've been patient!" Applejack shouts in a half-whisper, having been reminded several times by Rarity, Big Macintosh, the receptionist, and several others in the waiting room to keep her voice down throughout her visit. "I just want this whole deal to be over with, you know?"

"Yes." Rarity and Big Macintosh answered in unison. After being told so many times, it was almost insulting for Applejack to think they forgot already. The pair could forgive her for that, but they just wished she would stop acting like the only one who is troubled by it.

"First there is all this sneaking around Big Mac's back with that project thing or whatever, then you two are together again I guess, and now Big Macintosh might be crazy." Applejack is not shy about speaking her mind, that much is certain.

Big Macintosh had already riddled out that Rarity's project, which was honestly something she needed to work on, was part of a plot for her to figure out why he up and left her in the past. She had an excuse to have him around on a regular basis, so she had hoped to jog his memory. In the end, the direct approach was far more effective. Considering how it all ended, Big Macintosh didn't mind being duped like that.

"Macintosh is not crazy... he's just troubled," Rarity says, correcting Applejack. She didn't like using the word crazy any more than Big Macintosh, but both parties struggled to find the right way to put it. It is ironic that they don't ignore the fact that here is a problem, but they hesitate to address the gravity of it right out loud. Applejack is not that way.

"Crazy, troubled, broken, whatever it is I just want to get on with it." Applejack wasn't alone on this, but she was the most vocal about it. "I need some fresh air. Come get me when the doctor comes."

Rarity and Big Macintosh exchange a look as Applejack sees herself out of the lobby. The pressure is getting to her, whether or not they feel it's justified. It would be insensitive to keep treating her like a nuisance.

"I'll go talk to her." Rarity gets up and starts after Applejack. "Come get us when the doctor comes, if you can."

He watches her leave, which leaves him alone in the waiting room. He was afraid this might happen in the end, even if he really wasn't truly alone. They would be back before the doctor came, or they would at least be waiting for him when he came out. Then again, he might not come out. He might not leave the hospital today or even tomorrow. It is all a mystery.

"So, you really did come?"

Big Macintosh turns his head. A pony has sat down next to him, but more specifically Hippocampy has sat down next to him. He first wonders what she is doing at the hospital, but then he remembers. This is exactly where she should be. Under different circumstances, this is where they would have met.

"Eeyup."

"I don't think you know what you're getting yourself into," she says to him. "They won't treat you like an intelligent pony after you tell them what's wrong. You're not just sick, you're sick for good. The doctors will try all sorts of treatments, give you all kinds of medicine. You might not feel sick now, but once you're taking medicine you really will. Once you're in front of a psychiatrist or neurologist answering all kinds of questions and taking all sorts of tests, you'll really feel crazy. They'll peer at you from over their clipboards like a judge might regard a show dog. If there is a way to help you, they will help you, but it will come at a cost.

"But you'll never be normal, not that you've ever been normal. Paranoia will follow you even outside this hospital. You're going to constantly look over your shoulder. You're going to question whether it is all really over yet. If you think you're going to gain some peace of mind from all of this, you're wrong. You're sick and you're wrong. You're sick and wrong, I suppose. A sickness of the mind is a much harder ordeal than a sickness of the body, at least in my experience. I might not have the same problem you have, but I've seen ponies like you around here all the time. I speak from experience. I know what you're getting into."

Big Macintosh listens to all she has to say in silence. At the end of it all, there is only one thing he has to say.

"You're just trying to scare me."

"You're right." Hippocampy admits her motivation without hesitation. "But I guess you're already scared. If you weren't, then you really would be crazy. Crazy in a different sense, at least."

"Everypony is a little crazy," Big Macintosh replies. "I think it's just part of being sane."

"That's an odd thing to say."

Hippocampy might be right, but Big Macintosh does not think what he means is strange. Deep down, everypony entertains something they know is a lie, something they know another wouldn't accept. Ponies allow the wool to get pulled over their eyes, if it suits them. Sometimes they allow themselves to be frightened against their better judgement; it isn't always about comfort. At the same time, some ponies don't have better judgement. Some don't stand a chance against the illusions. Hippocampy is no exception.

"Why did you pursue me like you did?" Big Macintosh asks. He has to wait a moment before Hippocamy speaks up. Even she herself isn't exactly sure. There was a reason, but it was subconscious. It doesn't take too much thinking to riddle it out.

"It's no fun being told who you are," she replies. "It's not like having expectations pushed onto you by your teacher. It is already established who and what you are. Everypony knows what role you play and who they are relative to you. They know what they think of you, how they feel about you. They know, but you don't. You have other ideas, but those aren't allowed. It's not up to you.

"When I ran into you for the first time, you claimed we met like a lot of ponies who didn't know what happened tend to do, but you didn't push an identity on me. You said you met me the day before, but I didn't remember that at all. For once I was convinced I was right, and for once you didn't insist I was wrong. You just accepted that I didn't remember. Nopony ever accepted that I didn't remember, that I don't seem to know anymore.

"I just wanted to be with somepony who wasn't going to force me to be the Hippocampy they remembered. That's all I wanted at first, but then I found out about your hallucinations. For once, I had to power to mold someone else's reality. I could be on the giving end, not the receiving end. I knew it was wrong, but I did it anyway. I just wanted to be in control."

"Are you sorry about it?" he asks her. Hippocampy gets up and stares at a distant point on the wall. Big Macintosh gets the impression that what she is about to say is something she has practiced saying. This is her big moment on stage, and she desperately does not want to mess up her line this morning.

"Nopony ever apologized to me." When she disappears out of the lobby, it is the last time Big Macintosh ever sees her. He doesn't seek her out or ask where she might have gone. He doesn't even question whether or not she was entirely real. He just remembers her. That's all he does.

"Mr. Macintosh Apple? The doctor will see you now."

There is much he still needs to do.