The Equestrian Snowball Brawl
“Ah’ll give ya a free bushel ‘a apples if ya do it,” Applejack said to Rainbow Dash, who had a single snowball at the ready, sculpted perfectly by a masterful hoof. Rainbow smirked devilishly, a trademark of hers.
“It looks bigger than usual, doesn’t it?” said Dash.
“Don’t be mean,” Applejack admonished, “just hit it.”
Dash turned around to face AJ, who shivered slightly in the cold, though she wore a green scarf and matching hat for protection. “Weren’t we just about to be mean, though?” she asked.
Applejack answered Dash with a light thump to the head.
“Throw it,” said Applejack, and grinned.
Rainbow Dash shrugged. Both ponies were, of course, referring to Twilight Sparkle’s plot, which they were staring at from behind the safety of a tiny snow bank, perfectly concealed. No, they were not staring at it in that way. Pity.
“This one’s headed straight for that cutie mark,” said Dash, and raised the snowball to hurl it at poor, unknowing Twilight Sparkle.
Dash slung her foreleg forward. The ball of packed snow rocketed away from her hoof, flew out into the open with great velocity, and it was right on course. Both Dashie’s and AJ’s eyes were open wide in great anticipation. Both wore an unrelenting smile.
Smack. Twilight Sparkle yipped as she felt the cool ball of snow impact her backside, and it stuck there, concealed her cutie mark.
Applejack and Rainbow Dash immediately ducked back down behind the relative safety that was their bunker, stifling laughter with numbed hooves and frozen lips. They looked to each other, which only made them laugh harder, and so they tried to muffle themselves with double the effort. Applejack stuffed snow into her mouth, and Rainbow only cackled at how ridiculous that idea was.
“Funny, girls,” came a voice from above them.
Both Dash and Applejack looked to the rim of the snow bank, and the snow immediately dribbled from out of AJ’s mouth.
“Twilight, ah can explain.”
“Oh, no need,” Twilight Sparkle said as she telekinetically lifted a massive mound of snow from a nearby tree branch, the lavender glow from her horn placing fear into the eyes of the two now at her mercy. Judging by the look in her eye, it was quite clear that she was not to be merciful on this particular afternoon.
“See ya!” said Rainbow Dash, and darted away in a flurry of wingbeats.
Applejack turned and watched helplessly as Dash made her escape solo. “Dash! Ya little-!”
AJ was effectively cut off as a pile of snow easily the size of a small wagon fully engulfed her, to the point where only the little green poof ball on her hat shown out the top.
Twilight could only see the blur of rainbow colored light as Dash streaked away.
“This means war!” Twilight shouted out to her as Dash faded from view. “Ready a team, Rainbow Dash! Prepare to be thoroughly defeated!”
Twilight Sparkle raced away from the snow bank, back into town to find a good and capable team. She’d need to make a list of supplies, as well as blueprints and a book on how to make her fortifications. Only then would she be sure to have “fun”.
“Mmf?” came a muffled voice from behind the snow bank.
A good hour passed. Twilight Sparkle had rounded up her team, as well as a rather hefty and unnecessarily long book on how to build snow forts. She had come to the spot where they had agreed to meet after a team was built. Well, not so much agreed as much as Twilight yelling to a distant Rainbow Dash. Still, Twilight Sparkle knew that Dash never backed away from a challenge. She was much too confident in herself.
And today, that would be Dash’s downfall.
Twilight Sparkle’s team consisted of Rarity, who after much deliberation decided that she would participate in this barbaric event after the Cutie Mark Crusaders came by and said they were spending the day at the boutique. Pinkie Pie was the other member of
Twilight’s team, and though this was uncertain, Twilight wasn’t entirely sure that Pinkie Pie even understood what was going on.
Rainbow Dash was not yet here. Twilight figured that she would be the first to show herself, offer a piece of her mind, maybe brag a little bit about how eggheads aren’t suited to play in the freezing cold. But Dash wasn’t anywhere to be seen.
“Hm,” Twilight Sparkle muttered. “Nopony’s here.”
Rarity shook violently in the bitter cold. She wrapped her scarf tightly around her neck, to the point where she was choking herself. “Good,” she said. “If that’s the case, then I suggest we go back inside and enjoy a nice, warm cocoa and perhaps visit the spa.”
“No,” said Twilight. “She’ll be here.”
Rarity’s teeth were ceaselessly chattering away. “Oh, but my hooves are getting all pruny!” she complained.
Twilight said nothing to this. Pinkie Pie stood in the background, forming various snowbeards onto her chin, and giggling foalishly throughout the frivolous process.
“Pinkie Pie!”
Pinkie stood at attention as Twilight barked her name, her smile fading, her best representation of ZZ Top falling from her face.
“Begin preparations for the snow fort. Here.” Twilight tossed Pinkie the book and a scroll that contained the blueprints. “Use these. I’ve got a bad feeling about Rainbow Dash.”
“Got it, boss!” said the bodacious pink mare, and went to work, starting by furiously digging out a trench into the snow.
Across the way, Rainbow Dash hunkered down behind the bunker, where she and Fluttershy both went to work scraping piles of snow away to get to the prize at the center of the mound, Applejack. They both donned army helmets they had obtained from the surplus store. They were both chilled to the bone. Perhaps not so much as Applejack was, however, as they had only just now uncovered her head.
“What makes ya think Ah’ll help ya?” Applejack said as piles and piles of snow were being tossed away from her trembling frame.
“‘Cuz you’re my co-captain,” Dash replied. “And I got stuck with Fluttershy, so I need somepony who knows how to make a snowball.”
Fluttershy didn’t seem so bothered by the insult, and in fact kept on scooping snow away. She understood that she was the weak link, and she was only just so happy that her dear friends accepted her.
“Ya left me fer dead!” Applejack snapped.
“You took one for the team,” said Dash. “Besides, I came back for your... dead, er, whatever. So you should be happy.”
AJ only frowned at this. “Ah oughta buck ya real hard when Ah get outta here.”
“Save it for someplace more private.”
Applejack rolled her eyes while Fluttershy blushed, embarrassed for her.
“Not what Ah meant, Rainbow,” said the still half buried mare.
And so the tedious process continued. Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy obediently scraped away at the snow using only their hooves. Also, the whole “not having phalanges” thing was proving to be quite a burden for once. It was sort of like digging with one, oversized, frozen solid thumb.
Suddenly, a voice was heard from over the snow bank, back across the way.
“Rainbow Dash! I know you’re out there! Come to the middle, and we’ll lay down the rules!”
Rules? Dash thought to herself. There aren’t any rules in war.
“Fluttershy? You wanna take care of this?” Dash asked as the snow gave way to finally reveal Applejack’s legs.
Twilight Sparkle asserted her presence by standing out in the middle of no man’s land, where she yelled out into the snow covered grasses, asking for Rainbow Dash to mare up and show herself. In the distance, she saw a pretty pink mane in an army helmet timidly pop up over the edge of a small snow bank.
“So that’s where you are!” Twilight yelled to Fluttershy.
Fluttershy ducked her head back down behind the bunker. She could hear the pegasus conversing with somepony from behind the wall of snow, but the words could not be deciphered. After only a moment, it was Fluttershy’s head she could again see jump up over the top of the bank.
“Um, we’re busy right now!” Fluttershy called to Twilight. “If you could come back later, um, it would be very nice of you!”
Just like Rainbow Dash. Twilight thought. Biding for time using whatever means necessary.
“Letting your teammates fight the battle for you?” Twilight yelled, disregarding Fluttershy. “C’mon! You aren’t scared, are you?”
At that moment, Fluttershy disappeared from the top of the bunker, exiting with a startled squeak from her lips. She had obviously been yanked backward, and in the next instant, a pegasus with a multicolored head, also sporting a military helmet, shot up from behind her cover.
“Whaddaya want?” asked Rainbow Dash, throwing her hooves lazily out over the side of the snow bank.
Twilight smiled. “Come out to the center! We’re laying down the ground rules. Only then can we start!”
“We’re closed right now,” said Dash. “Mare out front shoulda told you.” Dash rudely ducked back down behind the bunker again.
Twilight stomped a hoof into the snow, and it sunk in a bit deeper than she had anticipated. She stumbled, but managed to stay upright.
“What are you doing over there?” Twilight yelled.
“Digging out the mare that you buried alive!” came the reply.
“Oh,” said Twilight. “So you have a full team! Okay, great.” Twilight pulled her foreleg out of the deep pocket of snow she had stuck it into. “Have your team meet my team out at the exact center of the battlefield when you’ve, well, unburied her.”
There was no response forthcoming.
“Right,” said Twilight, and trotted back to the base that Pinkie was building.
It was not long before all six mares cantered out to meet at the center of the battlefield, the two captains, Twilight Sparkle and Rainbow Dash, leading their respective groups. Dash trotted out heroically, head held high and mighty, with pride. Twilight trotted out in quiet confidence, perhaps cracking a smile at the unimpressive showing Dash was putting on.
They stopped before each other’s hooves.
“Welcome to the war,” Twilight Sparkle greeted in a casual manner. “We’re going to have a clean, fair fight, but above all else, we’re going to have some fun!”
“Cut the crap,” said Dash. “Let’s get started so I can glue you to the carpet with some snowballs.”
Twilight chuckled. “In time, in time,” she said. “Okay, let’s get to the rules.”
“Shoot.”
“One!” Twilight proclaimed. “There will be no use of wings, or magic, or anything else that may give a great advantage to one side. You may only use your hooves and your smarts.”
“Sounds easy to me,” said Applejack.
“No, no,” Dash interrupted, shaking her head. “Do you even understand what a war is? That’s like, kinda the whole point.”
“Rule number two!” Twilight said. Dash grunted. “We will all have fun, nothing more, nothing less!”
“Okay, thanks Mr. Rogers,” Dash panned. “By the way, is that your fort over there?” she asked with a smirk, pointing to a puny little mound of snow not so far away. “Heh, good luck to you guys.”
Twilight turned around. “Oh, are you referring to that pile of snow over there? Goodness no, that isn’t the fort.” Twilight pointed much farther to the right, down near a small cropping of trees. “That’s the fort!” she said.
Pinkie Pie had outdone herself. The monstrous heap of snow in the distance wasn’t a simple snow fort, but was instead a castle of sorts, complete with turrets and not to mention two stories, plus extra fortifications.
“Well, buck,” said Dash, her mouth agape.
“Um, maybe we should give up?” Fluttershy asked in earnest.
Twilight and a shivering Rarity trotted away, an over-excited Pinkie Pie bounding along beside them.
“Good luck, girls!” Twilight called backward.
Applejack stared, disheartened, out at the impressive and fear-inducing fortress that they’d have to storm. “Mutiny. Ah declare mutiny,” she said.
“We haven’t even started yet, AJ,” Dash replied.
“Yer gonna get me killed, Dash.”
Fluttershy didn’t like the sound of that. “Maybe we could just go back inside... where it’s warm?”
“No,” Dash said stubbornly. “We’re going to win. By whatever means necessary, we’re going to win.”
Rainbow Dash heard funny noises drifting out into the open air from behind the safety of her bunker. They had dug in a bit deeper now, but the noises kept coming from out over the top, and it left her feeling a bit uncertain and discomforted.
They had built up a large cache of premade snowballs for themselves, and those rested
in the corner of the fort, a hooflength away from everypony. Everything was at the ready for them, they had all the familiar weapons available to them to put up a decent snowball fight. However, they didn’t exactly have the appropriate force to bring down a snow castle. That hadn’t exactly been in the game plan.
Again, Dash heard funny noises coming from the distance, from the castle. She rubbed her ears to rid of the sound.
“Anybody else hear that?” Applejack asked to reassure Dash of her fears.
“It’s nothing,” Dash lied. Oh, it was most definitely something. But what?
“Ah don’t think we’re safe here, Dash,” said Applejack as Fluttershy clung close to her side. “We should move. Or at least have’a lookout. What if they attack us?”
Dash’s brow furrowed. “Attack us?” she said. “They have a castle, AJ. Why would they attack us?”
“I dunno, surprise,” AJ replied.
Fluttershy didn’t feel at all well about this. “We should keep a white flag with us, one with a very very long stick attached to it, so that they can see it from all the way over there.” Fluttershy was quaking in the boots that she wasn’t wearing. “Oh, and double the size of the flag, so that they can really see-”
“Shh! Shh!” Dash hushed her. “Listen!”
From across the way, they heard a lot of shuffling of hooves, a lot of trudging through the snow. They heard a lot of shouting, and it was quite a distance away, so an ambush was out of the question.
“See? They won’t attack us,” said Dash.
Suddenly, they heard a voice call “Pull!” quite loudly.
This was followed by an absurd booming noise, which was not unlike that of cannon fire. It carried all the way across the valley.
“Uhhh,” Dash muttered.
In the next instant, the entirety of their bunker was positively ripped to shreds, snow flying everywhere, this way and that. There was screaming and shouting. A massive wave of snow came down on them; this was the wall that had been their snow fort. It was no longer a snow fort, but instead a small mound of snow sticking out in the middle of nowhere.
The aftermath was not good. Nopony was out, thank goodness. Fluttershy helped to pull Applejack out of the snow. However, the snowballs had been blanketed, and now their cover had been absolutely obliterated.
“Pull!” came a voice from across the valley.
“Buck, buck, buck, go!” Dash yelled, and everypony followed her away from the mess.
Twilight Sparkle paced about the second story of her imposing snow fort, cannon fire blasting away from two separate turrets manned by Rarity and Pinkie Pie. Twilight smiled as she watched three colorful dots scurry away from the barrage in the distance. This was “fun”.
She trotted up to Pinkie Pie, who had built the castle, who had formed the cannons, who had exceeded expectations by a long shot.
“Hey, Pinkie?” said Twilight as Pinkie just finished loading an oversized pile of snow into the back of the snow cannon. “How... how did you make cannons composed entirely of snow?”
Pinkie grinned. “I have no idea!”
That was good enough for Twilight Sparkle.
“Right,” she said. “Pull!”
“Into the trees!” Dash yelled, leading the way, Fluttershy and Applejack racing after her to avoid the massive piles of snow being hurled their direction.
“Why ‘er we runnin’ toward the cannons, Dash!?” Applejack screamed, simultaneously leaping over a great pile of snow that had come down before her.
Dash heaved a sigh. “If we get to the trees, the cannon snowballs won’t be able to drive through the branches!”
Applejack gave pause. “That’s... that’s actually pretty darn smart.”
“I know, I’m brilliant,” said Dash. “Go, go, go!”
The three mares, hearts beating quickly, hooves pounding into the snow, approached the treeline, where the snowballs began to skim the tops of the trees and break apart on impact. Dash smirked, because the treeline extended all the way to the gate of the castle. If they had the cover of the trees, they could win.
Dash and company rolled up next to a tree, where they collapsed, breaths hot and exasperated, hooves burning, sides aching. But they had made it. The cannon fire stopped.
“We made it!” Dash cried. “Ohmigosh, my plan worked!”
Applejack smiled, knowing Dash’s leadership had led them here, though she wouldn’t admit that. “Reckon it did, sugarcube.”
Dash got up and looked through the trees. They had a clear shot to the castle from where they stood, and the trees would definitely provide cover for them as they trotted through. They would be unharmed coming out the other side.
“We have the advantage now!” said Dash, and began to trot farther into the wood.
Ka-thunk, came a noise in the distance.
Dash stopped. “What now?”
Perhaps twenty paces in front of her, a ball of snow came down and exploded there in the trees, leaving a deep pocket of snow. Snowflakes came raining down afterward. Mouths hung open in utter disbelief.
“This is still a friendly ‘ol snowball fight... right?” asked Applejack.
“Look, I made mortars!” Pinkie Pie chirped happily.
Twilight scanned the new device that Pinkie had constructed over, still awestruck; how the machine functioned was a horribly confusing mystery.
Rarity fired a mortar snowball into the trees. She shrieked as the shell was pushed out of the tube, and fell backward onto her flank. “This is positively ridiculous,” she said.
“Buck,” said Rainbow Dash.
“What now?” asked Applejack.
What now indeed. Dash planted her flank down into the snow. There, she sat in thought. She thought and she thought, explosions in the snow providing the background noise, leaving massive dents in the ground. She could think of nothing. How in the world did they even make that fort? What in the world were they using to do this?
Rainbow Dash was failing her team. She couldn’t stand for that. She had to think of something to get them out of the situation, sooner than later.
“I’ve got nothin’,” Dash said finally. “Heck, I just wanted to hit Twilight in the flank with a snowball. Now she wants to kill us, apparently.”
“Ya don’t think she overheard us, do ya?” asked Applejack in a worrisome way.
“No way,” said Dash. “She would have looked up and tried to find us sooner.”
They gave pause. Another explosion rocked the background, and they flinched as the fallout trickled down and landed softly on their noses. Both of them frowned deeply. They spun in a circle... but she wasn’t there anymore.
“Fluttershy?” Dash asked. “Wha- where are you?”
“Did ya see ‘er leave?” Applejack asked.
“No.”
Fluttershy had apparently up and left. Poor thing, all the violence must have proven too much for her, and she simply could not handle the pressure. She might have flown off to somewhere warm and cozy.
Dash checked the trees, for sometimes she liked to be a cat stuck in the branches when she was frightened. But the timid mare was not there, either.
“She bailed,” said Dash. “Ugh, I should have guessed! She totally wouldn’t want to do this!
“Fat chance we have of winning now,” said Dash somberly. The bitter disappointment of defeat was not something the competitive pegasus accepted graciously.
Applejack prodded her with a hoof. “Ya still got me, sugarcube. Even though ya, well, abandoned me earlier.”
Dash gave a slight chuckle. She brightened up a bit, and scooped up a small pile of snow. With it, she sculpted a perfect snowball, marked in it a “D” with her hoof, so that the recipient knew the sender.
“Guess we can still put up a good fight though, right?” Dash asked.
But Applejack was no longer focused on what Rainbow Dash had to say. Instead, she was staring through her, with eyes narrowed in shock.
“What?” Dash asked, and turned around. “Is that...?”
“Can you see them?” asked Twilight Sparkle to her friends who were firing away with Pinkie’s snowball mortars. “Perhaps we’re having too much fun.”
“Well, we don’t want to kill them darling,” said Rarity. “And to be honest, these things are rather frightening.”
Twilight half-frowned. “Perhaps we switch to snowballs now,” she said. “We’ll still be victorious, that I’m sure of.” She turned to face Pinkie. “Pinkie, can you make us some sn-sss-”
“All ya had to do was ask!” said Pinkie, and leaned against the mountain of snowballs she had just made.
“Um, great!” said Twilight. She trotted over to her fresh cache of snowballs, ignoring the fact that her ecstatic pink friend could inexplicably produce these things in a matter of seconds. She was like some sort of war machine.
Twilight picked one of the snowballs up and held it in her hoof. “So... do we wait, then?”
“I was rather hoping you would say we go back inside to escape the brutally cold conditions,” said Rarity, “but no, waiting sounds just as swell an idea.”
Twilight telekinetically tossed Rarity a snowball, and Rarity fumbled with it in her hooves that no longer possessed any feeling.
“This’ll be over quickly,” said Twilight. “No worries.”
“Worries!” Pinkie suddenly exclaimed.
Twilight turned. “Hm?”
Pinkie was looking out over the side of the castle, the left side of the castle. “I said worries! Look here!”
Twilight, concerned, trotted across to where Pinkie was looking, and peered over the edge. There she stood in awe.
“Fluttershy?” said Twilight. ”Spike?”
“Hi girls!” Fluttershy said from below. “Um, I hope you don’t mind, but I’m about to burn your castle down,” Fluttershy said meekly as she held Spike under one foreleg.
“Run away!” said Twilight from above, and immediately all three ponies from within the base turned and got the buck out of there.
Fluttershy opened Spike’s head, and grasped his underbelly as a brilliant green flame then shot from his gut, where it struck the walls and immediately began to melt them.
Twilight, Rarity, and Pinkie Pie each dove over the other side of the walls, and watched as their massive fort was burned to the ground.
“Fluttershy... you’re awesome!” Dash hollered as she watched the spectacle from a distance. Fluttershy had already burned down half of the fort.
“Atta girl!” Applejack added.
Dash, smiling, turned to Applejack. “Shall we?” she asked.
“Of course!”
Dash looked back to the melting fortress, and now, for real, they had the upper hoof.
”Charge!” Rainbow Dash screamed.
“Charge!” came a distant voice from across the way. Twilight gathered up a ball of snow.
“Quick! Get Fluttershy!” she said.
Rarity, Pinkie Pie, and Twilight all made snowballs as quickly as they could. They ran across the front of the melting fort as fast as possible, noticing that Rainbow Dash and Applejack had come out from around the woods and were running toward them.
“Oh-oh,” said Rarity.
“Get her!” cried Twilight.
All three mares came around the side of the fort, where they readied themselves to throw their snowballs at Fluttershy. But they stopped with their snowballs cocked. Fluttershy had turned to face them, Spike in hoof.
Standoff.
“Nice snowballs you’ve got there!” said Fluttershy with a pleasant grin. “But now, you’ve got to ask yourselves one question.” She was biding for time, as her teammates were coming to her aid. “Do I feel lucky?” Spike made some sort of strange noise, like the cocking of a shotgun. “Well, do ya, punks?”
All of them were now unsure of things. Wasn’t this a snowball fight when it began?
“Get Rainbow Dash and Applejack!” Twilight suddenly proclaimed.
They all turned around, and Dash and Applejack were bearing down on them. Twilight panicked suddenly, because everything was not going according to plan, and if that happened, then nothing was good.
It was now time to have some fun.
“Free for all!” Twilight screamed, smiled, and pelted poor Rarity with a slushy ball of snow.
Rarity wiped the ball away from the side of her face. “I did not sign up for this!” she said.
Then, everypony was throwing snowballs at each other. Rainbow and Applejack arrived just in time to witness the mess. Pinkie Pie had amassed a heaping pile of snowballs in a corner and was flinging them to and fro. Twilight and Rarity were in a heated battle, Rarity seemed to be warming up quite well. Her cheeks were flushed red and she wore a determined grin as her snowballs whizzed at a smiling Twilight Sparkle. Fluttershy was watching it all happen with Spike, and they laughed as all of them were pelted with snow.
“Did... did we win?” asked Rainbow Dash curiously.
“Reckon we did,” said Applejack. “But guess what?”
“What?”
“Mutiny,” said AJ with a grin, and stuffed an icy ball of snow up under Dashie’s army helmet. She then turned tail and ran.
Dash tossed her helmet aside and shook the snow from her mane. “You’re gonna get it, AJ!”
“Save it for some place more private!” she called back.
And so, all six of them, plus Spike, enjoyed a day in the freezing cold throwing snowballs at each other. They started to wind down after an hour or so, after Rarity had been hit in the face enough times, Twilight in the flank, Dash had swallowed some of the stuff, and the white fluff had clung to Applejack’s sodden mane.
Once again, poor wording, author. Poor wording.
In any sense, Pinkie Pie had remained relatively unharmed through it all, as she had dealt the most damage. And Fluttershy had sat on the hill with a flamethrower, so most thought it unwise to buck with her.
The other four collapsed in the snow after a good long while of fighting, winded, gassed. It was time to call it a day.
And so, they all met out at the center, where it had began, smiles on everypony’s face. It had been “fun”, just as Twilight expected it to be. There was no winner or loser. There was no bitterness. Just another day to lock up in the memory banks.
“Hey... where’s Rainbow?” asked Applejack.
In the next instant, Twilight yipped as a cold ball of snow impacted her flank, her cutie mark. She turned around to see a sniggering Rainbow Dash, pointing and laughing.
Twilight giggled and stomped her hoof.
“War!” she proclaimed.
Author's Note
Okay. So this one was done without me really looking back for corrections or anything and was all sort of freely written and everything. So before I get "Oh, the pacing is off" or stuff like that... remember to keep that in mind. Also, this was a lot longer than I thought it was going to be... wow.
If you can guess the three bits of movie dialogue in here, then you win! You don't win anything except the satisfaction of winning. So congrats. Whoop-de-fricken-do.
