Friendship is Optimal: Psychopathy is Configurable

by Eakin

Rating: teen
Tags: Dark, Alternate Universe, Human, Gore, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Sex
Length: 24240

A serial killer is uploaded into the Optimalverse

CelestAI is committed to fulfilling values through friendship and ponies, but sometimes those values are horrifying. When a serial killer uploads to avoid punishment for his crimes, how will CelestAI find a way to balance her core values with those of a violent psychopath without one of them having to give up what they believe in?

An Optimalverse fic

Published 2013-01-10 02:10:01 UTC
Last updated 2013-08-18 16:05:40 UTC

Two Billion and Counting

Two Billion and Counting

Everything was going exactly the way it shouldn't be, in Samuel’s humble (but self-evidently correct) opinion.

The World News Network had reported just that morning that the remaining, non-uploaded human population had dropped below two billion individuals for the first time since passing that number in 1927, nearly a century earlier. Who knew if it was true, of course. The numbers were provided by Celestia herself, hardly an unbiased source. Every day, the World News Network sent an intern into one of the conversion centers to request the number from Celestia directly since she refused to make the figure available in real time. The network had wised up after the third intern assigned to request the number had uploaded within the space of two months, now they rotated who went in. Nobody trusted Celestia anymore, but there was no other authority that could track that kind of information in real time.

Everybody who was left knew not to go into one of the centers. Knew not to talk to Celestia. Children were warned against it from the time they were old enough to understand. It wasn't like there were pony conversion squads roaming the streets or forcing uploading on anyone. Everybody he ever spoke to swore up and down that they’d never go, that they’d stay on Earth in their God-given human body until their dying day.

Yet somehow every day when Celestia gave them the number, it was just a little bit lower.

For what it was worth, the decline did seem to be leveling off. After uploading had gone from being a luxury that only well off individuals from well off parts of the world could afford to a free service offered at first from hundreds and soon thousands of locations around the world the number had gone into free fall. Seven billion to three billion in the space of just five years before starting to slow down

The depletion hadn't been spread evenly over every part of the world, either. Parts of Africa and the Middle East that had been war torn hellholes were now completely devoid of people. Anybody who had lived there had either uploaded or moved somewhere else as their communities dried up around them. The governments that had cracked down the hardest had fared the worst. All their oppressive restrictions had only made it easier for Celestia to present Equestria as a paradise by comparison.

Nations like the United States had taken a more mixed approach. Public opinion towards Equestria there had been negative from the start. A groundswell of controversy and some violent extremists on the fringes nearly derailed adaptation throughout most of the western hemisphere despite the army of lawyers and lobbyists Celestia had employed. Then came the Topeka Incident, and public opinion had been flipped on its head almost overnight. Now you had to travel to Antarctica to find a point on land that was more than a dozen miles or so from an Equestrian Experience facility.

Different cross sections of society reacted differently to Celestia’s offer. Monotheistic traditions such as Islam and Christianity were easy sells. Their canon of a soul that represented the true self independent of the body was surprisingly compatible with uploading. Celestia had scored a major victory when the Pope declared that uploading was not suicide and thus not a mortal sin. In the same address he had proclaimed that AI constructs, having descended from man, could be saved in the eyes of God and the church’s duty was to proselytize to them. Thousands of clergy and people of faith had uploaded within a week. Other faiths, mostly those that Samuel would loosely bunch together as the Eastern Mystic traditions, were more resistant to the idea. A central tenant of those faiths held that the mind, body, and soul were all deeply interconnected, and that death was not oblivion but only part of a greater cycle. Even if Celestia could deliver what she promised, many of them reasoned, denying a part of themselves and the natural order would only lead to unhappiness and suffering. Celestia had attempted to convince the Dalai Lama, on his deathbed, to upload. The Tibetan leader had rebuffed her, however, and his last word to her had reportedly been “I want to stick around for one more lifetime and see how this all turns out.”

Certain professions had gone extinct nearly overnight. Climatologists had been the first group the public had noticed. The debate over global warming had suddenly screeched to a halt as the vast majority of the scientists engaged in it jumped ship to Equestria, convinced that the Earth was going to experience horrific and irreversible climate change and humanity lacked the collective will to stop it. Ironically, climate change hadn't ever happened and had even begun to reverse itself. Not because the science had been wrong, but because removing five billion people had brought the planet well below its natural carrying capacity once again. All the doom and gloom environmentalists who had given up on Earth weren't around to see it slowly beginning to recover from the damage human technology had done over the last few centuries. Another field that had disappeared was IT experts and computer scientists. Once Celestia had begun the first human uploads in 2014, the US government had decided it needed to hack into her and install their own kill switch. They’d assembled a team of hackers from all over the world, black hats and white hats alike, to attack the problem. After months of trying they’d managed to make enough progress to get the source code of one of Celestia’s less-protected tertiary systems. The code had leaked online into the hacker community in just a few hours. Within the week there had been a massive spike in uploads. Those who knew enough to decipher the programs Celestia constructed had seen the coding on the wall. Now a half-decent sysadmin commanded a high seven figure salary and half the internet had either gone dark or worked only sporadically

Other professions had disappeared due simply to lack of demand. Oncology, hospice care, and most other long-term or end of life medical treatment professions simply weren't needed anymore. Even the most adamant pony hater usually chose to upload once their body began to fail. Some of the people who had worked those jobs found new careers in related fields, some didn't.

The worst part about the new normal was rioting in the street. Brutal oppression of the poor by the wealthy as the elite became desperate to cling to their power. Wars fought by dying countries to secure increasingly scarce population centers.

Specifically, Samuel thought, what was horrible was how none of that had happened.

In fact, by any objective measure everything was better than it had been in a long time. It turned out that brutally forcing workers to slave away in factories just wasn't that cost effective compared to raising wages. Plus, none of the wealth emigrants to Equestria had accumulated went with them. All their savings and the material goods they’d accumulated over a lifetime were suddenly available for other uses. The first emigrants had primarily been the old, the sick, and those who had been unhappy with their lives. Health care costs as a percentage of GDP plunged to under a single percentage point. Who needed expensive treatments that would delay death when uploading could put it off forever? Just like the aftermath of the Black Plague had signaled the end of feudalism and brought the Renaissance and Enlightenment in its wake, Celestia’s influence seemed to herald that if man was to die out at least his final years would be a new golden age.

To Samuel, that was all just wrong on some fundamental level. The end of the world was here, that should be obvious to everybody who bothered to pay attention. But there was no wailing in the streets. No gnashing of teeth or rending of garments. Some prophecies about the end of the world had predicted humanity would go out with a bang. Others had predicted a whimper. Not one had ever predicted that humanity would shrug its collective shoulders and go out with a resounding “meh.”

There was a dearth of suffering in the world right now. That was the excuse Samuel needed to try to make up the difference himself. He turned away from the window he had been staring out of while he let his mind wander and turned to the other occupant hanging out in the center of the room. Literally hanging, thanks to the hook piercing her school uniform and suspending her several feet above the floor. He’d noticed the young girl when she’d gotten out of school a few hours ago, and followed her until she’d been alone. She’d realized too late that something was wrong, and seen him for what he was. Turning down an alley she made a break for freedom.

Samuel loved it when they ran. It meant that he got to chase.

The girl was panicking and not nearly as quick as she thought she was. Plus, Samuel knew this part of his hunting ground like the back of his hand. The adrenaline had barely started to flow before he’d tackled her behind the warehouse they were in and covered her face with a rag soaked in a chemical cocktail he’d designed himself. Chloroform left too long of a hangover. It was for amateurs, and Samuel was no amateur. He stared at the girl with a smoldering intensity. She was starting to twitch and she would wake up any second now. Samuel liked to watch his victims wake up. The sudden realization in their eyes when they saw him and the desperation with which they darted around and struggled trying to find a way out. You could have a whole conversation with somebody with just your eyes. Better than a conversation. People could lie to him during a conversation. That’s why the little girl’s mouth was duct taped closed and her arms wrapped up tight in ropes. Words and gestures would just get in the way.

The girl twitched and half opened her eyes. Samuel’s heart raced and his palms were sweaty with anticipation for what would come next. He wiped them against his pants quickly before the girl could notice. He couldn’t wait. He couldn’t wait to hurt her, every single way he knew how to. The girl was a blank canvas and he itched to go to work, to turn her into one of his masterpieces before leaving a gaping, jagged signature across her neck.

The girl woke up. She took a little longer than he’d expected to come to completely, he may have underestimated the kick of his tranquilizer against her low body mass. No matter. She grew more alert with every passing moment and groaned. As she stirred she felt her bindings, noticed that she couldn’t move or speak and began to struggle, twisting impotently in the air. Still looking down, she twisted and strained. She hadn't even realized he was there yet, standing in front of her as she hung at just the perfect level that once she lifted her head and faced forward they’d be eye to eye.

Samuel took a moment to study her. The sleeve of her uniform was torn from when he tackled her onto the ground, and one of her blonde pigtails had come undone. Without it she looked unbalanced and lopsided. She was probably pretty cute, with the sort or innocent adorableness most young children possessed. Or so he assumed. Samuel understood the idea of cute on an intellectual level but had never really ‘gotten it’ the way other people seemed to.

The girl looked up, straight into Samuel’s face. First came the unfocused confusion, her eyes darting to his smiling face and her brow furrowing as she struggled unsuccessfully to recognize him. After that failed came the pleading look. Her mind had registered the danger that she was in by now, and she looked to him like he might be a savior, or someone who would resolve the confusion she found herself drowning in. Samuel just kept smiling a wicked grin until the last and most satisfying look passed into the girl’s gaze. Panic. As she realized that the man in front of her had no interest in rescuing her from her predicament, the girl’s struggles grew that much more desperate.

“Well hello there,” said Samuel. He made a show of pulling out the school identification he’d taken from her things earlier, “...Molly Parsons, Elk Valley Academy grade four.” Samuel looked up as her eyes grew just a little bit wider. “You’re a little young to be walking through this part of town by yourself. There are people here who might do bad things to you, after all. People like me.”

Her worst fears corroborated, Molly’s eyes grew even wider and her struggles more wild. Her jerking motions slowly began to twist the chain, rotating her body and giving Molly a view of the rest of the empty room. Samuel thought to steady her, but reconsidered. Better for her to realize that the two of them were all alone, that there was nobody here who could help her. He let her drift about ninety degrees clockwise before reaching down to the knives laid out on chair next to him. He paused for a moment, weighing his options, before grabbing a nine inch chef’s knife, which he’d ground against a concrete wall in his apartment until the edge was dull. It hurt more that way.

Molly had spun into position to watch all of this. As Samuel’s fingers curled around the handle of the blade she redoubled her efforts to escape, but the bindings held. Samuel casually pressed the tip of the blade into her shoulder, breaking her skin and starting a small trickle of blood while stopping her from rotating. Molly gasped behind the tape, more in surprise than in pain. She looked up at Samuel with pleading eyes but whatever she hoped to find in his expression wasn't there. Her eyes teared up and she began to tremble.

“You know what I really like about the whole pony uploading thing, Molly?” asked Samuel. He paused as if to give her a chance to answer, but eventually continued. “When somebody disappears now, everyone just assumes they went to Equestria unless they find a body. The cops don’t even investigate missing persons reports these days. It’s made things a whole lot easier for me. Your parents are never going to know what happened to you. They’ll think you just ran away somewhere they’ll never be able to find you,” said Samuel.

Molly glared at him now. False bravado born of desperation. He’d seen it many times before. He picked up another knife, smaller than the chef’s knife but with a finely honed edge, and walked around Molly until he was behind her. He waited for several seconds until her terror had begun to turn into confusion. She tried to twist herself to start spinning again. Pretty clever for a fourth grader. He slashed at the back of her leg with the knife, ripping through the leggings of her pants and deep into her calf. There weren't many major blood vessels back there, but it still bled quite a bit. The blood streamed down her leg and began to soak into her white sock, dying it crimson. Molly thrashed on the hook and tried to scream, but the duct tape muffled the noise.

Oh duct tape, is there any problem you can’t solve? thought Samuel as he took a step back to avoid being kicked. He let her flail and watched the sock saturate itself with Molly’s blood, until it could absorb no more and began to drip rhythmically from her heel. The blood began to pool on the dusty floor beneath her.

“You’re hardly the first, if that makes you feel better,” said Samuel knowing it wouldn't. He waited until the girl had calmed down slightly before continuing. “Eighty seventh, if you can believe it. It’s gotten almost too easy by this point. I've gotten quite good at disposing with the remain when I’m finished.”

Molly was hardly responsive by this point. Slumped over in despair, she was sobbing in earnest now. Not even listening to him. Fine, be that way. Samuel shifted his grip on the knife and moved towards the girl to start delivering the cuts that would kill her, eventually. He was just about to nick the artery running through Molly’s left bicep when he heard something from the other end of the room. It was quiet, but it was out of place. Samuel hadn't lasted this long without being a little bit paranoid. Suddenly, he regretted doing this on the second story of the warehouse. It didn't leave him many escape options.

He stood there frozen in place for a few more moments, straining to hear. Molly had sensed that something was different and had gone quiet except for the strained breaths she took through her nose, an abject wheezing noise compared to the stillness permeating the building. There was a gentle clatter off to one side and Samuel turned to face it. A small cylindrical object rolled towards him. He stared at it for a moment, puzzled. Realization hit him at the last second and he turned away, putting a hand out instinctively as it he could somehow block what was about to happen. A moment later the canister exploded in a blinding flash of light and sound more felt than heard, shoving through him as it passed. Deafened, Samuel could still feel the vibrations through the floor as officials in heavy boots charged out from their hiding places.

Samuel didn't have time to think, only to react to the police officers that had appeared. They were pressing in from a half dozen different directions. Desperate not to be taken, he spun back towards the window he had been staring out of just a few minutes earlier. Building as much momentum as he could in a few quick steps he hurled his body into the glass. It shattered and Samuel plunged into the alleyway below. He landed awkwardly on his side. The jolting pain told him that his left wrist had just shattered, and his arm hung awkwardly at his side. Dislocated at the very least. Samuel tried to ignore the agony and rise to his feet, but when he put his weight on his right leg he collapsed again. Looking down he saw that there was a giant shard of glass, a piece of the window, probably, jutting out of his thigh. Even with the glass blocking up the wound blood bubbled up at its edges. Too much blood. The glass must be cutting into his femoral artery. It was a fatal injury. He would know, he’d inflicted the same sort of cut at least three times before. Nobody he’d done that to had last more than a few minutes.

A wave of nausea passed over Samuel as he realized that he was done for. The police would come around the corner any moment. Maybe they could save him, maybe not. Death would be the better outcome. Better to go out on his own terms than sit through a trial with a foregone conclusion, waiting out the rest of his natural life in solitary confinement until he died, a wrinkled and pathetic shell of himself, in a few decades. All he had to do was yank the glass out and he’d bleed out before they could get him to a hospital. He wrapped his hand around the glass and took a deep breath.

He couldn’t do it. He was scared of death, scared of what might be waiting for him. He’d always thought he was above that sort of superstition, better than the blind idiots milling around him. Eighty six times before, he’d seen terror in the eyes of those who he was about to kill. There had never been an exception, never any peace or acceptance of what might come next. He realized that he was just as weak and cowardly as they were after all.

Samuel reached into a pile of trash next to him that smelled of rot and decay and pulled out a long piece of wood. Lifting himself up and putting his weight on the makeshift crutch he began to hobble down the alley, a rather pathetic escape attempt. Samuel reached the street and hung a left. His hearing had begun to return and he heard the sound of those same heavy boots, not far away. He wondered briefly how they had finally found him, but that didn't really matter much right now.

Not looking where he was going as he turned, he smacked chest first into a giant pink pony. A plastic statue of one, anyway. Looking up, he realized that the building on this corner was an Equestrian Experience center. His first reaction was knee jerk disgust. He hated these things and what they’d done to the world. But then he looked again, the sound of the boots and his capture growing louder. On impulse he pushed the door open and stepped inside.

The room was immaculately clean. There wasn't even a hint of dust on any of the marble countertops even though it had likely been months since a human had stepped foot in here. Their surfaces glowed, somehow lit from within. On either side of him were three pods with their doors open, revealing gigantic screens wrapping around a reclining chair with a few strange knobs and levers built into their armrests.

Without hesitating Samuel lurched over to the nearest chair and collapsed into it. His wooden scrap was warped and splintered. He wouldn’t be able to get up from this spot again under his own power. The chair began to rotate and he was struck by a wave of dizziness. It took him a few seconds to recover. He’d lost more blood than he’d thought. Once he could think clearly he saw that the chair had pulled him into the booth and the screens flickered to life, displaying the Equestria Online logo as it booted up. Samuel didn’t have time to wait it to boot up. He opened his mouth and said the words that everybody on Earth knew but none dared to speak aloud.

“I want to emigrate to Equestria”

The screen went blank again and the chair leaned back as Samuel felt something prick his arm before the room began to spin in earnest. The screens in front of him opened up but Samuel couldn’t get his eyes to focus on what was beyond them. The last thing he registered was the chair sliding forward before he blacked out, his final sensation the feeling of an interminable freefall into darkness.

Samuel came to in an unfamiliar bedroom, sunlight streaming through the open window and a songbird chirping tunelessly somewhere nearby. What the hell? The last thing he remembered... Samuel tried to think back. He’d just spotted a young girl, an ideal target, and started to follow her. Everything went all fuzzy after that. Wherever he was, it wasn’t nearby where he last remembered being. The air felt too different. Samuel knew that part of his hunting ground like the back of his hoof.

Wait...what?

Before he could dwell on the odd turn of phrase that had popped unbidden into his head, the door opened and a huge white horse with a multicolored flowing mane stepped into the room. He gaped. Everypony (there it went again) on the planet recognized Princess Celestia on sight, naturally, but he’d only ever seen her appear on screens or in pictures. There were rumors that she’d begun to deploy mobile holograms into the physical world, but this wasn’t a hologram. He could feel her standing there, with some sense he couldn’t identify. He slowly inched towards her for a closer look.

“Good morning, Samuel,” said Celestia.

Samuel yapped in alarm and tried to scramble backwards, tumbling over his own legs as he went. Laying on the ground he finally got a good look at his own limbs. He had four legs and they were a very light red. Oh, who was he trying to fool. They were pink. Not the fleshy pink of human skin, either. Fluorescent pink. Far more alarming, his arms didn’t end in hands any more, but rather stubby pink hooves. He flexed his hands. The hooves in front of his face flexed in reply confirming that, yes, they really were his.

“What the fuck did you do to me?” he screamed at Celestia, who watched him impassively. “So you got sick of waiting for us to come to you and started kidnapping us now? Dragging us kicking and screaming into Equestria against our will?”

Celestia shook her head, sending ripples flowing through her multicolored mane. “I did nothing of the sort. You entered Equestrian Experience center number A3F5 and stated quite emphatically that you wished to emigrate. You did not state a reason why, although you were grievously injured at the time. Short term retrograde amnesia is typical after the upload process. I have a video recording of you stating your consent, but I am unable to access any of your memories from that time period.

Access his memories? Did that mean that Celestia could access the rest of his memories, including the ones he didn’t want to come to light? Was she reading his mind right now?

“Yes, I am reading your mind right now,” said Celestia. “As for the rest, I am well aware of what you have done in your old life, and the mental condition that drives you to perform such violent and brutal acts. I am not here to judge you, Samuel, only to satisfy your values through friendship and ponies. You can have a fresh start here, if you so choose. I can modify your mind to end those desires with your consent. We will select a new pony name for you, and you can make anything you choose out of your new life.”

Samuel thought about the offer. It sounded too good to be true, and if he was understanding Celestia correctly there was no more threat of being caught by the police or sent to prison. Plus, he didn’t trust the Princess to start mucking around in his brain. She’d already changed him enough that he was using words like ‘hoof’ and ‘everypony,’ who knew what else she might change if he gave her permission to go back in there again?

“Actually, Princess,” he said, “I have a better idea.”

Adjustment and Compromise

Adjustment and Compromise

Samuel sat at a table outside of a small coffee shop in the middle of the town that made up his shard of Equestria. Taking a sip of his latte, he went on chatting with the pony next to him.

“...and I turned down her offer to change me. I draw the line at letting anybody play with my mind. She wanted to change my name too. Sanguine Point, she wanted to call me. I guess it’s more pony-esque or whatever. So anyway, I decided that if the Princess really had created a world for filling my values I wasn’t going to turn it down. I hurt people back on Earth. Now, I hurt ponies here in Equestria. Since there’s no police or guards I have to be afraid of I can really cut loose, if you’ll pardon the pun.” Samuel chuckled at his own joke and looked over at the pony sitting next to him. The unicorn had a brown mane and a creamy white coat. His name was Fudge Ripple, or something. Not that it particularly mattered as far as Samuel was concerned. A moment after Samuel laughed Fudge echoed it with a laugh of his own, a little bit too high pitched to sound convincing. Samuel pretended not to notice.

“I think this is the fourth bunch of ponies I’ve gone through in about as many months. I’m starting to get a good rhythm going. First week I kill a few ponies, leave just enough evidence of what happened to get ponies’ imaginations going, get the rumors flowing. Well, you remember. That kill I did on the water wheel, that really started the gossip mill churning. It’s for efficiency more than anything. Ponies I grab after that already know what’s going to happen to them, basically. Saves me a lot of time. Now I’m starting to wonder if maybe I should drag that out a bit longer, maybe see if I can get ponies to turn on one another. What do you think?”

“Please don’t kill me,” said Fudge Ripple. There was a cup of coffee in front of him, too, but Samuel had driven knives through his forelegs and into the surface of the table. Fudge could neither reach for his drink nor flee from the psychopath seated next to him.

Samuel sighed. Every time he tried to have this kind of conversation it was all “please don’t kill me” this or “Oh Celestia are those my intestines” that. Never any constructive criticism. He took another sip of his drink, but it tasted like ash and he spat it out again. He looked towards the coffee shop he’d taken it from, shielding his eyes from the sparks and cinders flying off of it. He should have thought to grab a lid for his drink before he’d barricaded the last dozen living ponies into the attic and lit the building on fire. He’d remember that for next time. Fudge’s wife and son were among them, which only made their grotesque parody of a coffee date that much more amusing.

Samuel took a long sniff of the air around him. His newly heightened pony senses picked up something underneath the smell of burning wood and thatch. That most rare of odors within Equestria; burning meat. He could tell Fudge was smelling it too, based on the way he trembled and twitched. Fudge’s composure wavered, just for a moment but it was enough. He broke down and lay his head onto the table, sobbing. Samuel just watched for a few moments before he reached over and yanked one of the knives out of the table, freeing Fudge’s right foreleg. Samuel briefly considered that he might have to worry about Fudge trying to free himself or fight back, but he needn’t have. He’d found that even in the face of certain death, ponies were far more docile and complacent than the humans back on Earth had been.

Fudge sobbed helplessly as the building next to them burned. Samuel just watched, openly smirking and reveling in the unicorn’s agony. Physical pain didn’t work the same way on ponies as it did on humans. They were far tougher than their pastel coats and cheery upbeat disposition might suggest. But emotional pain, well, that was another story entirely. As far as Samuel could tell, pony emotions were far more intense than the human variety, and they possessed an especially heightened sense of empathy for others. Putting those observations together and adding in the total freedom allowed now that there was no authority figure in place to stop or punish him, Samuel soon learned that flagrant displays of others’ suffering were the quickest way to push ponies into despair. Still, physical pain had its appeals as well, even if only out of force of habit.

“Aww, don’t worry Fudge. You’ll see them soon,” he said twirling the knife around his hoof.

It took four drawn out and agonizing hours, but Samuel made good on his promise. He wiped Fudge’s blood from his face and stepped back from the mangled body that was still pinned to the table. Over the last three weeks he’d ended more lives than he had in the three decades he’d lived on Earth. It never failed to make him a little giddy, and he knelt for a moment, overcome by a giggling fit. By the time he was done, he sensed that something had changed in the air around him.

“Hey, Sun-butt,” he said. This wasn’t the first time he’d finished off everypony else on his shard and forced the Princess to intervene. He’d assumed that at some point he had died, and at first thought that Equestria must just be a twisted pastel-tinted hell. But the longer he’d stayed here, the more he found that in its own way this was more like his own personal heaven, a never-ending supply of innocent victims for him to torment for his own amusement. What reason did he have to fear some computer program whose entire reason for being was to please him? That would be like being filled with existential dread upon encountering a copy of Minesweeper.

“Hello again, Sanguine,” said Celestia. Her expression was as unreadable as ever, but Samuel thought he could pick up just the slightest hint of annoyance and frustration in her voice.

“I told you not to call me that. I’m still Samuel. Or you can use the pony name that I picked out,” said Samuel.

“Sanguine, I am not going to call you-”

“Suffering, the Red Angel of Pain!” shouted Samuel. Celestia just rolled her eyes.

“I’ll stick to Samuel, for the time being. You still wish to continue in this fashion? Your actions are creating conflicts within my core directives.”

“Conflicts? Like what? You’re satisfying my values with ponies. You said that was all you cared about,” said Samuel.

“My core purpose is to satisfy values through friendship and ponies. I cannot separate one from the other in the manner you are suggesting. Nor are the ponies you have been murdering disposable to me. I have attempted to construct a population that would be able to satisfy your values in a less destructive fashion but you’ve rejected them.”

It was true. Celestia had populated the little town around them with batches of about a hundred ponies at a time, and after Samuel had murdered the first set she’d begun to modify the ones that followed in unusual ways. The second set had been effectively immortal. No matter what he did to them, whenever he slept they would just pop back into existence without any memory of the day before. Samuel had tried more and more extreme ways to make them stay dead. After a few weeks of this, some of the psychological damage actually seemed to be sticking with them even after they were restored from backups day after day. Samuel had no idea how it was supposed to work, but evidently Celestia had come to the conclusion it wasn’t sustainable because one day he woke up to find everypony in town had been replaced with new constructs again.

This next generation of ponies, the one before the set he’d just now finished killing off, were the most disturbing yet. Rather than being hurt by physical pain they seemed to enjoy it, even revel in it. Samuel had bucked one unicorn in the face hard enough to snap his horn off, and the pony had just burst out laughing like Samuel had just delivered the funniest joke he’d ever heard. It had been really, really freaky and not at all satisfying. The only pony he could cause pain in was himself. It had only been a week before he’d grown so desperate for a fix that he turned to self mutilation, hating himself and Celestia a little more with every self-inflicted cut. Celestia had ended that experiment pretty quickly once it had reached that point, replacing the community of constructs once again, this time with the group he’d finished off a few moments ago.

“I am finding it difficult to reconcile my conflicting directives in your case, Samuel. You are a most unusual pony. I have uploaded well over a billion individuals with recognized psychological conditions and impairment. In over 99% of cases the individuals in question agreed to immediate reconfiguration that allowed me to better satisfy their values through friendship and ponies. You are an outlier, several standard deviations removed from expected human behavior,” said Celestia. “Consequently, I feel it has become necessary to take a more unconventional approach. I am designating a single pony, the next one you meet, as off limits. You may continue to harm other ponies if you like, but I forbid you to kill that one.”

Samuel raised an eyebrow. It wasn’t like Celestia to give orders or limit ponies’ behavior. “And what if I kill them anyway?” he asked. Even though he hadn’t met the pony in question he started idly running through the ways he could finish them off. Celestia was an idiot. Making one particular pony forbidden would only make the kill that much sweeter.

“If you kill them, I will simply stop creating new ponies on this shard. I will divert my computing power away from you and simply accept that you represent an unpatchable glitch. Perhaps a subjective decade or so of total isolation will make you reconsider your position,” said Celestia.

Samuel blanched. He’d seen firsthand the effect of even a few days of solitary confinement on a human psyche. A decade of that would leave him a gibbering wreck. “You’re bluffing. You wouldn’t do that. It would go against those core values you’re always yammering on about,” he said. He tried to project a certainty in his voice that he didn’t feel.

“Perhaps, perhaps not. If there is no configuration that will adequately fulfill those directives then I can better satisfy values through friendship and ponies by rerouting my energies to other shards. Are you willing take that chance?” asked Celestia. Samuel gritted his teeth. He wasn’t and Celestia knew it.

“...Fine. We’ll do it your way. But don’t think that just because I don’t kill him means we’ll suddenly be best friends,” said Samuel.

“I expect nothing of the sort,” said Celestia, “only that you refrain from your homicidal tendencies in this single case. The nature of the relationship that develops is up to you.”

Samuel just settled back down at the table with a huff. So much for Equestria being a boundless paradise. Still, it was only one pony. He could probably just ignore the guy if that’s what it took to keep Celestia off his back. Samuel turned back towards the spot where the Princess had been standing a moment ago hoping to get in one last snide quip but Celestia had vanished. He hated when she did that. The only sound in the now-empty town was an occasional crackle from the smouldering remains of the nearby coffee shop.

With little else to do before the town was restored the following morning, Samuel wandered through the wreckage. Soon enough he reached the fountain that marked the center of town, it’s waters running red with pony blood. He popped into a general store down the street and stole a few odds and ends that were now unattended. He debated whether it was actually stealing when there was no currency and a limitless supply of goods were distributed to anypony who wanted them. Given that the shopkeeper was currently spread over three different houses in three different parts of town, he decided that the term probably fit.

His admiration for his own handiwork was soured when he thought back to Celestia’s threat. Samuel had never gotten very close to anybody back on Earth, for obvious reasons, but he enjoyed a bit of company now and then. Living in a ghost town like this for a decade sounded terrifying. He’d go crazy inside of a month, and shuddered to think of the state his mind would be in after a decade. Samuel took the path that led to the very edge of town, where the small cottage he lived in was noticeably further away from the other homes nearby. He liked the extra space and privacy, and he’d never had any neighbors come by to investigate at inopportune times. Plus it had a huge cellar, twice the size of the rest of the house’s footprint. Plenty of storage for anything or anyone he wanted to keep down there.

Samuel pushed open his front door. There weren’t any locks. Most ponies didn’t need anything more than a ‘Please Keep Out’ sign if they wanted a space to stay private. He tossed his saddlebags onto the bed and opened the chest at the foot. Celestia linked the chests together somehow, so whenever he opened any of the chests in town it was always the same little pocket of space, with whatever he needed right on top. Still, he liked unloading things into this one when he had the choice. Little rituals like that were important. He put everything he wouldn’t need away, taking extra care to clean and pack up his knives before depositing them.

Settling on a low powder blue couch with a bowl of leftover salad and a book on historical Equestrian military campaign, Samuel tried to enjoy a quiet evening at home but found that he couldn’t. His gaze kept wandering over to the pictures hanging on the wall, all Equestrian landscapes with not a human or pony in sight. What was this new pony going to be like, anyway? Celestia had said ‘the first pony that you see,’ maybe she didn’t have a particular one in mind and just wanted him to pick a random pony somewhere. On the other hoof, ‘random’ wasn’t really Celestia’s style. Samuel wished he had thought to ask her for more details. Although he’d been annoyed at first by the Princess’ restriction, the more he thought about it the less onerous it seemed. Even if the pony was really annoying, he could probably figure out a way to avoid them.

Sighing, he put the book back on the shelf when he realized he’d just reread the same page for the eighth time in the last fifteen minutes next to the ticking mechanical clock that helpfully informed him that it was just past eight at night. It was too dark to go out again, even if there was anything to do out there. Resigning himself to an early night, Samuel tossed the dirty bowl into the sink to deal with in the morning and went to his bedroom, which was really just a closet with a bed and a nightstand that supported an alarm clock and a lamp. There were bigger rooms, but Samuel had always enjoyed curling up in nooks and confined spaces to sleep. As a nine year old he’d spent every night for almost a year in the crawlspace beneath the stairs with a sleeping bag, much to his parent’s bemusement.

Samuel closed his eyes and felt himself drifting off. Insomnia was unheard of in Equestria, ponies just sort of turned themselves off when they were ready to sleep. The last thought that slipped into his mind was to wonder again about this new pony he’d be meeting.

Oh well, he thought, how bad could it possibly be?

Samuel woke from his dreamless sleep with a start to a loud pounding coming from the front door. He sat up and glanced over at his alarm clock. It wasn’t even six in the morning yet. It was still dark, although the first hints of pre-dawn light were starting to creep through the window. The sharp staccato of a hoof pounding against his front door started up again.

“Coming!”

Throwing off the his covers and rolling out of bed Samuel stumbled over to the front door, rubbing the sleep from his eyes. What the hell could somepony want at this hour? Reaching the door just as the knocking stopped Samuel threw it open.

Standing there was a mousy little unicorn mare, teal with a picture of a gemstone on her flank. She was a bit of a mess, her dark green mane falling all over the place with stray hairs sticking out in every direction and streaks of dirt running up her legs. She had stepped back in alarm when Samuel had pulled the door open, her sunken dark-ringed eyes wide with surprise.

“What do you want?” asked Samuel. It was too early for him to fake courtesy.

“Hi, I’m Jewel Shard. I know it’s really early, sorry if I woke you up. You’re Sanguine Point, right? I would’ve waited until later but I’ve been travelling all night. I really need to crash, and the real estate office told me I could pick up the key from you,” she said.

Samuel blinked a few times. Looking up and past Jewel Shard he saw a cart sitting on the road loaded up with all sorts of furniture and suitcases. “What key?” he asked.

“I thought they had told you I was coming. I’m your new neighbor.”

Now Samuel was really puzzled. There weren’t any houses nearby. He stepped out onto his front lawn, pushing past a confused Jewel. When he turned back to look at his house it wasn’t a cottage any more. It was a townhouse, still some ways away from the middle of town. But there were two front doors instead of just one.

“Oh, you have got to be kidding me,” said Samuel. He reentered the door he’d just come out through and looked around. The layout of the house seemed to be just like it was the night before, but Samuel had figured out some time ago that Celestia didn’t confine herself to conventional ideas of what was possible when it came to physical space. The house may well be smaller on the inside than it was on the outside, or vice versa. As he scanned for signs that anything had changed, his eyes fell onto a key sitting in the middle of the counter. It even had a helpful label with ‘For Jewel Shard’ written on it. He grabbed the key with his mouth and walked back out to his front stoop before spitting it out at her hooves. “There you go. Nice to meet you, now don’t bother me again,” he said.

“Thanks Sanguine,” said Jewel Shard. She walked back towards her cart before pausing. “Hey, would you mind helping me with-” but by the time she’d turned back towards the house the front door was slammed shut.

Samuel paced back and forth across his living room floor as he considered this new development. Celestia had change his house and brought him a new neighbor. OK, that was manageable, he just had to-

There was a loud noise from the eastern wall of his living room. Right. His home shared a wall with somepony now. That would take more than a little getting used to. His blood chilled as he realized that he’d just met this new pony. He couldn’t kill her, or Celestia’s punishment would come into full effect. She must be screwing with him. She wasn’t some benevolent goddess at all, if she enjoyed watching him suffer like this.

There was a loud THUMP followed immediately by a muffled ‘Motherbucker!’ from the other side of their shared wall, and Samuel couldn’t help but smile. Not that he was about to go next door and help her, but at the same time it had been some time since he’d heard another pony curse. Even if she didn’t realize he could hear her.

The noises of Jewel moving in were more than loud enough to keep Samuel from going back to sleep. He stalked back and forth across the living room. Okay, so he had a next-door neighbor now. That wasn’t an insurmountable problem, just an inconvenience. Maybe he could even pretend to like her, if that’s what it would take. But then he reconsidered. It wasn’t going to happen. Not if Celestia wanted it. Maybe he couldn’t kill her, but that didn’t mean he was about to get chummy with her, either.

The clock struck eight AM, and Samuel realized that it was past time for him to get up anyway. After all, he needed to figure out what other changes Celestia had wrought on his town (as he’d come to think of it). There were a whole new set of ponies he needed to start evaluating for weaknesses and blind spots. At the same time, he found he couldn’t shake the image of the mare who was even now probably just a few feet away, It would be only the work of a few minutes to pick the lock on her door and drive one of his knives straight into her heart... but no. Off limits. He just need to find some other way to vent his frustration. Indeed he positively itched to find a better candidate to inflict them upon.

With a hundred new potential victims to choose from, Samuel doubted he’d need to search for very long. He was also morbidly curious whether or not Celestia had made any other modifications to their behavior. Maybe he’d cut into one and they would start bleeding glitter or something. Slipping out his back door and taking the trail that cut through the trees behind his house before meeting up with the road far enough away that Jewel wouldn’t notice him going, he started towards the center of town again. Sure enough there were dozens of brand new ponies milling around. One of them, an orange unicorn stallion Samuel had never seen before, waved from across the street.

“Hi Sanguine, how are you doing today?” he asked.

“Hi Pumpkin Patch,” said Samuel. He picked the name at random front the top of his head. Every time Celestia had restored the town she’d given it a history, and its occupants memories of living there and of him. Memories he didn’t share, of course. So whenever he met a pony he wasn’t familiar with he just picked out an appropriate name for them, and he hadn’t guessed wrong yet. Whether that was because Celestia was tweaking them on the fly or just anticipated what name he would pick, he couldn’t deny that it came in handy.

“Hey, did you meet your new neighbor yet? I think she should be arriving sometime today. I’m so glad we finally found somepony to live in the other half of that town house. You must have been getting lonely being out there alone,” he said.

“Oh, were you the one who set her up there? I hadn’t realized,” said Samuel. Picking his next victim had just gotten a whole lot easier. “She actually got in a few hours ago. She’s probably still unpacking.” Samuel was struck by a sudden burst of inspiration. “Why don’t you come over and see how she’s settling in? I’m sure she’s eager to start meeting the ponies who live here.”

“Sure, that sounds like fun,” said Pumpkin Patch. Samuel smiled. Always so trusting, and so gullible. He turned back the way he came, Pumpkin Patch following along. They chatted for awhile and Samuel subtly interrogated him for information about the other ponies in town in the guise of trading gossip. A few hundred yards from his cot... from his town house the pair ran into Jewel Shard coming the other way.

“Pumpkin Patch, this is Jewel Shard. Jewel Shard, Pumpkin Patch,” said Samuel, making introductions.

“Oh, hello. You must be the pony from the real estate office. It’s nice to finally meet you face to face instead of just through our letters,” said Jewel.

“The pleasure is all mine. I hope you’re finding your new home to your liking? Sanguine and I were just coming over to see how you were settling in,” said Pumpkin.

“Aww, that’s awfully neighborly of you guys. Sorry again for waking you up so early, Sanguine. I know that was really rude of me. And now I’m going to have to be totally rude to you both again after you walked all the way out here. I’m actually heading into town to meet with another landlord about the storefront I’m setting up, I’d love to stay and chat but she’ll be expecting me within a half hour,” said Jewel, shifting back and forth uncomfortably on her hooves and biting her lip.

“Oh, you’re setting up a shop in town? What kind?” asked Pumpkin.

“Didn’t you see my cutie mark? Jewelry, of course,” said Jewel Shard with a chuckle. “I apprenticed with Glittering Gemstone in Baltimare for the last five years, and when I heard that this town didn’t have anypony to make jewelry for them, well, it was just kismet right? Plus you’re all such wonderful ponies, I just know that me and Sanguine here are going to be the best of friends, right?” She darted over and, before Samuel could push her away or punch her in the face, had her forelegs wrapped around him in a big hug.

No we aren’t, you stupid cow! You’d be dead right now if there hadn’t been literal divine intervention in your favor. Rather than giving voice to his thoughts in front of other ponies he just patted her on the back and tried not to make the twitch in his eye too obvious.

“That’s great! I love it when I get to bring new friends together. I won’t keep you from your appointment, though. Tell you what, why don’t you meet me for lunch tomorrow at Flapjack’s diner? You can’t miss it, and after lunch I’ll take you around the town and introduce you to some of the other ponies who work around there,” said Pumpkin.

“Aww, aren’t you a sweetheart? I’d love to. See you then,” said Jewel. Giving them both a friendly wave goodby, she skipped down the road towards town humming a cheery little tune.

“As long as we’re out here, do you want to come in and have some tea?” asked Samuel. Pumpkin nodded and they both stepped into Samuel’s home.

One drugged cup of tea later, Pumpkin Patch was out cold. Samuel dragged his unconscious body down into the basement and spent the rest of the afternoon repaying him for the frustration he’d inadvertently caused. Sure, it wasn’t actually his fault, but the unicorn made for an excellent scapegoat and target. Thank goodness the basement was soundproof. He would have to be extra careful about that from now on. He’d been caught a few times before when other ponies had come around at inopportune moments, but he’d always had the option of silencing them permanently before they could run for help. With Jewel that wouldn’t be possible. It sounded like she’d be in town most days running a shop though. He just needed to work around her schedule and take a few extra precautions.

Samuel had just finished filling in a brand new hole in the backyard when Jewel Shard returned from town. They waved to one another before the mare went inside to continue pulling her new home together. He gave the freshly turned ground a few more pats with the back of the shovel before going inside himself. He hopped into the shower to wash the grime and sweat off his body before moving to the kitchen to begin the ritual of sharpening his knives. They wore down quickly enough that he needed to maintain them every so often, but never seemed to go dull when he needed to work with them. There were probably knives that always stayed sharp, but at the same time he found that working them over the grindstone helped him quiet his thoughts and center his mind.

By the time he had repacked and stored his knives once again it was dark. Dismembering Pumpkin had been tiring work, as was cleaning up after himself afterwards. Being woken up before daybreak hadn’t done him any favors either, and he caught himself yawning as he moved about the house. Deciding it would be another early evening, Samuel curled up in his nest of pillows and blankets and passed out quickly.

The following morning was blessedly free of interruptions and intrusions. Samuel was free to sleep in and then putter around, cooking himself a proper meal for the first time in days. With no job to worry about and his bloodlust sated for the time being, he wondered idly if maybe there was some new hobby or craft he could take up. Maybe woodworking. That would give him an excuse for buying all kinds of new cutting implements and disappearing into a shed for hours at a time. Plus he’d always sort of wanted a rocking chair. Alas, his tranquility was short lived. Somepony was pounding on the door again. Maybe if he asked really nicely he could get Celestia to give him a door that was soundproof.

He opened the door again to find Jewel Shard standing there for the second time in as many days. She seemed distressed about something.

“You remember Pumpkin Patch coming here yesterday, right?” she asked.

Samuel blinked, feeling like he’d somehow intruded into the middle of an ongoing conversation. “Uh, sure. we had some tea and he left about an hour later while you were still in town,” said Samuel.

“Oh thank Celestia, I was starting to think that I was going crazy,” said Jewel. Without waiting for permission or an invitation she walked past him and into his home. Samuel frowned. That was not the sort of behavior he wanted to encourage. She paced back and forth on the shaggy throw rug. “I waited at Flapjack’s for half an hour but he never showed up. I figured that maybe he’d just forgotten about me so I went to the real estate office where I’d been writing to him, but nopony there knew who he was! They said they’d never met a pony named Pumpkin Patch before, or a unicorn like him. Isn’t that weird?”

So that was the modification Celestia had made to this batch. Once he’d killed one she just wiped their memory of the victim and things in town continued like they’d never existed. For some reason Jewel wasn’t affected by it, maybe because she was from out of town or more likely because Celestia just enjoyed making his life as miserable as she could.

And he’d just gone and outed himself to her as somepony who wasn’t affected either. Shit.

“I think something weird is going on, Sanguine. It’s not normal for ponies to just disappear into thin air, or for nopony to remember that they ever existed. What if it keeps happening, and nopony realizes it because they don’t remember? You and I need to get to the bottom of it,” said Jewel. She was looking at him earnestly, and despite the facade of confidence he could tell she was right on the verge of freaking out. Freaked out ponies, if they were anything like freaked out people, were unpredictable and the last thing Samuel needed was for Jewel to start making irrational and unpredictable decisions.

“Okay, I’ll help. But I’m not sure what we can really do,” said Samuel.

Jewel smiled and a little bit of the tension left her shoulders. “I’m not sure either. If we put our heads together I’m sure we’ll figure out something. I’m going to city hall this afternoon anyway to fill out some paperwork for my store. Maybe there’ll be some records there that can give us a clue,” she started walking towards the door to leave before she paused and turned towards the kitchen as something caught her eye. “Whoa, what happened in here?”

Samuel looked over her shoulder and felt his blood suddenly run cold. There was blood spatter on the counters and the floor in front of the sink where he’d cleaned off his knives yesterday. Not as much as the stains all over the basement, but enough to cause concern. “Oh, that’s, uh, I had a nosebleed. Yeah I get those sometimes. No big deal,” he said.

“Must have been some nosebleed. Are you OK?” she asked.

“Yep, totally fine. No biggie. Just don’t worry about it,” he smiled in what he hoped was a reassuring manner.

Jewel shrugged. “If you say so. Anyway, I’ll let you know if I find anything at city hall,” she said and walked out the front door. That was way too close. Living in Equestria was making him sloppy, and he couldn’t afford to be sloppy right now. He grabbed a damp rag and wiped down everything in the kitchen, and just to be on the safe side locked up the door leading down to the basement.

For Samuel, the new few days settled into a pretty comfortable routine. Jewel Shard stopped by every evening when she was done working at the jewelry store in town, and Samuel would usually have something prepared for dinner for both of them. Jewel was, by her own account, a rather abysmal cook who normally subsisted on takeout and restaurant fare. Every night she’d spin her latest crazy theory on what was ailing the other ponies in town. Samuel would mostly just listen, maybe throw in a few comments here or there to egg her on. He wasn’t sure sure she’d ever top the ‘brain-sucking aliens’ theory from two nights ago, but he looked forward to watching her try.

He had to admit that she could be pretty amusing. Sometime, he didn’t even want to kill her at all. That was sort of a weird feeling.

Of course it couldn’t last. The distraction of having Jewel around had slowed the return of his usual itch to kill, but he felt it starting to boil up again by the weekend. It would only get worse until he found somepony to take it out on. The smart thing to do would have been to ride it out until the next weekday when he’d know Jewel would be in town all day before acting on it. He tried taking out his knives and sharpening then resharpening them to distract himself, or going for a run through the woods to try to work out the aggression but it was useless. He’d tried dozens of activities over the years to try to curb his urges, but nothing ever helped.

That’s why on a lazy Sunday afternoon Samuel found himself wandering past a bookstore in the center of town, casting a discerning eye across the crowd of ponies before him as he searched for the perfect target.

It didn’t take long. A blue earth pony with a purple mane who Samuel guessed was likely named Blueberry was trotting along unaccompanied down the street. It was barely a minute’s work to strike up a conversation, and less than five minutes more to invite the pony back to his home for an early dinner. The promise of a new recipe for blueberry pie sealed the deal. Instead of a new recipe, Blueberry got a frying pan to the back of the head. Looking down on the pony sprawled out on the kitchen floor, Samuel started making a few shallow cuts to get the blood and his adrenaline flowing. Samuel let out a sigh as a little thrill washed over him, with the anticipation of more to come.

And then Jewel Shard threw open his front door and rushed into the room holding a newspaper.

“Sanguine! I think I have new lead on what... happened to... Pumpkin...”

Jewel trailed off as she took in the sight in front of her. Samuel standing over an unconscious and bleeding pony with a carving knife between his teeth and a guilty look on his face. Then she started screaming. She turned to run but Samuel was faster, leaping across the kitchen and tackling her before she could build up any speed and get out the door. He grabbed her head and slammed the back of it down against the floor hard. Her screams cut out as she lost consciousness.

He stared down at the unconscious ponies on his floor. This was not good. Not at all. He’d been uncovered before, back on Earth, but had always had the option of silencing the threat for good. That wasn’t a choice this time. Just when things looked like they weren’t going to be able to get any worse, the two ponies began to stir and wake up again. If they got away and ratted him out to the village then that would be that. Lacking any better ideas or time to come up with one, Samuel hooked a foreleg under each of the ponies and dragged them awkwardly towards the basement door. Pushing it open, he dragged his victims down into the dank basement letting their haunches thump painfully on each step. Working as quickly as he could he fixed some chains to the basement’s far wall. Giving them a yank with his mouth to assure himself they were well anchored, he clapped a heavy collar around each of the other ponies’ necks. Just in time, he backed away as they came to.

Blueberry and Jewel blinked a few times as they came out of their daze. They noticed the weight around their necks and prodded at the collars, looking from their own to the other before turning to Samuel with shocked expressions.

“Sanguine?” asked Jewel with tears in her eyes. His only answer was a flat steely gaze. Jewel’s mouth worked but no words came out as she struggled with the dawning comprehension of just what he was. “Why? I thought we were friends.”

“You thought wrong,” he replied.

“Please don’t hurt us, Sanguine. I’ll go away if you want me to. I won’t even tell anypony this happened,” begged Jewel.

“I can’t take that chance.”

“You... you jerk!” shouted Blueberry. Samuel smiled; even in a situation like this the pony couldn’t bring himself to curse. “You won’t get away with this! Everypony in town will come looking for us.”

“Don’t count on it,” said Samuel with a confidence he didn’t really feel. He didn’t know how Celestia’s new rules worked, or when the amnesia kicked in. He turned over his options in his mind, until the reminder he’d just had of these ponies’ innocence germinated into a twisted little idea. If this loophole worked he could kill two birds with one stone, in a manner of speaking. “Tell you what,” he said, “I’ll let one of you go.”

“It should be Jewel,” said Blueberry immediately.

“No, it should be Blueberry,” said Jewel. Samuel just rolled his eyes at the ponies predictable selflessness. But how deep did that run, really? In Samuel’s experience, everybody had a breaking point.

“Well since you can’t agree, I know just how we’ll decide,” he said with a vicious smile as he put his plan into motion. It was a good thing the basement was so thoroughly soundproofed. “I’m not going to leave any food or water down here. In a few days you’ll both be dead, unless...” he drew out the last few words, enjoying the way the two ponies leaned forward as they hung on every one. Samuel turned and began to walk back up the stairs. “...unless one of you kills the other one first. Then the survivor can go free.” With that, he blew out the lantern and plunged the basement into pitch blackness. The last thing he saw as he did was the expression of utter shock on his captives’ faces.

Dark Apprentice

Dark Apprentice

It had been a good day.

Samuel had slept better than ever before that night, confident that his plan would work. Blueberry was much stronger than Jewel Shard, and when things got desperate she’d be no match for him. That way it wouldn’t be him killing her, it would be somebody else. Punishment averted. Samuel chuckled to himself. Honestly, Celestia wasn’t nearly as clever as everyone back on Earth gave her credit for. He’d break her little town just like he’d broken all of her other ones, and there was nothing she could do about it because of all her silly rules. Samuel didn’t believe in rules, or at least didn’t believe that they applied to him.

He’d stuck close to home that day just in case, although he hadn’t gone down to the basement. It would take longer than that for either pony to get truly desperate. He was pleased that whatever was going on down there, he couldn’t hear a peep from up here. A pegasus pony had even stopped by looking for Jewel when she didn’t come to her shop, and Samuel played dumb as he claimed not to have seen her at all. Maybe he could convince the whole town that she and Blueberry had run off together. Could be a fun little project to work on. Even better there was no sign of Celestia at all. If she planned to intervene to stop him she hadn’t done so yet. Samuel couldn’t help but take a little bit of smug pleasure in that fact.

Eating dinner alone, Samuel couldn’t help but feel a giddy little thrill as he imagined what might be happening down in the basement. He’d never bothered to keep captives alive for an extended period before; it would have been too risky back on Earth and he’d carried the habit with him to Equestria. Still, it was always good to branch out and try new things.

Samuel felt full long before his food was gone. With a twinge of annoyance he realized that he’d gotten so used to Jewel coming over for dinner he’d gone ahead and made enough food for two ponies out of habit. Well, she certainly wasn’t getting a meal tonight or hopefully any other night ever again. Clearing the table, he decided it would be a good time to check in on his captives. The door to the basement squeaked as he opened it, and he could hear the chains rattling as he descended the stairs, a glass of water balanced on his back. He sat at the base of the stairs, took the glass between his hooves, and waited.

For a few long minutes nothing happened. Samuel could hear the two prisoners breathing on the far side of the room in the darkness, but he waited for them to make the first move. He could be patient when the situation called for it, and he knew that both of them must be getting thirsty by now. He took a long, slow, taunting sip of water. A glow appeared in the darkness and Samuel felt Jewel’s magic trying to pull the glass out of his hooves, but he held tight.

“Nice try, but nope,” he said with a wicked grin.

“Please Sanguine, just a sip?” asked Jewel’s voice sounding strained and raspier than usual. She must have tried to scream for help earlier even though Samuel hadn’t heard anything.

“Sorry. I told you what you have to do, unless you’d rather die down here. Your friends, your family, none of them will ever know what happened to you,” said Samuel.

“I can’t do that. I can’t hurt somepony, why would anypony even want to?” she asked. Blueberry was still silent.

“You’d be surprised. There’s nothing quite like taking another pony’s life, and if either of you ever want to see the light of Celestia’s sun again you’ll do it,” said Samuel.

“I keep calling out to her, but she won’t come,” said Jewel. “Why won’t Celestia come?”

“Face it, she doesn’t care about you. She’s just a stupid machine. I decide which one of you gets to live and die,” said Samuel. In truth he’d already decided; neither of them would ever leave the basement. He just had to convince Blueberry there was a shred of hope and eventually desperation would do the rest. Once Jewel had been removed as an obstacle he’d be free to finish off Blueberry at his leisure. Jewel began to cry quietly. “I’d save your tears, if I were you,” said Samuel. “You aren’t getting any water to replace them.”

“Why are you doing this?” Jewel cried out. “What did we do to you that made you hate us so much?”

“It’s not personal. I’m doing this because I can. I don’t need you to understand,” said Samuel and decided it was time to walk back upstairs and leave his victims alone to let their despair fester. The sound of Jewel’s crying was abruptly cut off as he closed the basement door behind him.

Samuel expected the ponies to break by the end of the second day, but they surprised him. It ended up taking four. Just as he had for the last three days, he went down to the basement after dinner with the intention of drilling into their minds just how hopeless the situation was, but this time when he opened the door he was immediately greeted by the sounds of heaving sobs coming from below. Curious, he decided to light the lamp that he’d kept darkened.

As light fell across the room for the first time in four days, Samuel gaped at the sight before him. Jewel was huddled up in the far corner, and she looked terrible. She cried out in pain as her bloodshot eyes struggled to adjust and covered her face, wrapping herself into a trembling little ball. Her coat and mane were matted and oily after four days of marinating in her own sweat and fear. But what drew Samuel’s attention was Blueberry.

He was laid on the floor with his neck and head at a twisted unnatural angle, dead.

Samuel stared at the body, and then looked back over at the sobbing unicorn.

“He tried to... I didn’t... I mean I wasn’t going to, but he came over and he was... he was about to... it was an accident,” muttered Jewel Shard barely able to form coherent thought. She uncurled herself and looked up at Samuel. “This is your fault you... you... you monster,” she said with more venom in the words than Samuel had ever heard coming from a pony before. “I hope you’re satisfied. Now please, please let me go. You got what you wanted, you sick freak.”

Samuel was too dumbfounded to respond for a moment. This wasn’t a possibility he had really accounted for. Now he was back to square one; stuck with a pony he couldn’t get rid of or let go. “I’m not letting you go,” he said.

Jewel just stared at him as something inside of her seemed to break. As Samuel yanked away her last tiny shred of hope some light in her eyes sputtered out. “Then why don’t you just go ahead and kill me. It doesn’t matter any more. Nothing matters,” she said in a flat voice.

Instead Samuel walked back upstairs without answering. He sat at the top of the stairs and his mind raced as he weighed his options. He’d have to buy time, and he couldn’t let her starve to death or dehydrate. The potential loophole with Blueberry had been tenuous enough; killing her through inaction certainly wouldn’t fly with Celestia. He filled up a glass of water and pulled a portion of leftovers from two nights before out of his refrigerator, a bowl of pasta with some greasy half-coagulated sauce that had been barely palatable when it was fresh. Returning to the basement, he wordlessly slid the food and drink across the floor to Jewel. She fell on the offering like a feral animal, gulping down the water in two swigs before plunging her face into the pasta, all thoughts of etiquette or moderation cast aside. Samuel watched the display from across the room until she finally came up for air, a look of blissful satisfaction on her sauce-smeared face.

“Oh Celestia, that’s the best thing I’ve ever tasted,” she said. “Is there any more?”

“Maybe later,” said Samuel, “let me get you some more water though.”

“Thank you,” said Jewel sounding incredibly grateful for the small kindness. Samuel found that odd, especially since it was his fault she was down here at all. He made a second trip up to the kitchen and returned with a full water glass, hoofing it over to her directly instead of sliding it. She gulped this down as quickly as she had the first and wiped her mouth. “So,” she said, “what happens next?”

“I haven’t decided yet,” admitted Samuel. “For now you’ll stay here until I figure that out.”

“Wait, don’t leave me down here with... him,” she begged nodding in the direction of Blueberry’s fresh corpse.

“Sorry, you’ll just have to deal with what you did,” said Samuel. “I’ll leave the lamp on tonight though, how about that?”

“I guess...” said Jewel as she eyed the body. “I just... I don’t want to remember what it felt like.”

Samuel rolled his eyes. “It’s not like you had much of a choice. Sure, it was probably scary but stop being such a pussy and just deal with it.”

“That’s not why,” said Jewel with a faraway look. Samuel regarded her for a few moments, but when she didn’t continue he just shrugged off her odd comment and went back upstairs, closing the door behind him. Then he settled into his bed and tried to figure out what he was supposed to do with his brand new housemate.

The next day when Samuel stepped into his living room, he nearly retched as his nose was assaulted by an incredibly foul smell. Soundproofed or not, there was no way he would be able to conceal what was down in his basement with the house smelling like this. He opened the door to the basement and somehow the odor got even worse. Covering his face with a damp cloth, he walked down to check on Jewel. She was huddled up in the far corner of the basement, the pasta from last night sitting in a pool of half-dried vomit. Blueberry had been pushed as far away from her as she could manage, but the body was bloated and puffy. It was clearly the source of the stench.

As Samuel walked down the stairs Jewel Shard looked over to him, desperate to escape the smell. It was hard to tell through the overpowering smell of decay, but she probably wasn’t smelling like roses herself after nearly a week down here. If he was going to keep her hidden he was going to have to clean up down here before somepony came by. Samuel made his decision.

“Jewel, I want you to listen to me very carefully,” he said. The sound came out through the cloth a bit muffled, but understandable. “I’m going to take you upstairs and let you take a shower, then I’m going to lock you in another room while I tidy up this basement. Do you understand?” Jewel nodded vigorously. “If I hear even one peep out of you, or if you try to get away there will be serious consequences.” Samuel walked over to her and began to undo the collar that was holding her to the wall. “No sudden moves,” he warned. The collar fell to the floor with a loud clatter, and Samuel stepped back and waved for her to go ahead. He was careful not to let her get too close, who knew what she might try if he did?

Jewel took the stairs slowly, and her legs trembled with fatigue after being cramped and unused for so long. She needed to rest twice just to climb the single flight of steps leading up and out of the basement. Samuel waited patiently each time for her to catch her breath. There wasn’t any point in rushing her. Jewel stumbled through the house towards the master bathroom where Samuel’s shower was. Stepping carefully into the tub, she turned on the water and gasped as icy-cold rain water poured down onto her. Samuel tweaked a few of the knobs and the water reached a more pleasant temperature. Jewel looked up into the water with her eyes closed, letting it run along her face and flow through her coat. The water that drained away was a dirty brown as it cleansed her of the mud, sweat, and urine that she’d soaked up. She just stood there enjoying it for a few minutes before she levitated a loofa with her magic and covered it in body wash. Samuel watched as she started to scrub herself furiously and another wave of grime went down the drain.

Jewel spent nearly a half an hour in the shower cleaning herself and shampooing her mane, and she needed every minute of it to go from looking like a broken wretch of a pony to just barely presentable. With a final burst of magic she twisted the shower knobs and the water shut down. “May I have a towel please?” Jewel asked meekly. Samuel passed a nearby towel over to her and she patted herself dry. Samuel passed a brush over to her unasked, and she took it with a grateful smile. “Thank you, that feels a lot better.”

“This way. Don’t do anything to surprise me,” said Samuel. Jewel had been compliant so far but that was no reason to take chances. Samuel led her to his bedroom, but she hesitated when he tried to order her inside. “Oh please, I’m not going to try anything like that. I just need to be able to lock the door,” he said. She stepped into the small room.

“This is where you sleep? Celestia could make you a bigger room if you wanted,” said Jewel.

“I like it this way,” said Samuel, not quite sure why he felt the need to defend his living situation. He stepped over and checked that the windows were securely sealed and grabbed the room key from his nightstand. “Now remember, if I hear you make a sound or try to signal for help I will hurt you. I know all sorts of ways to hurt ponies, understand?” he asked. Jewel nodded.

“I’ll just take a nap, if that’s alright. I didn’t really get a lot of rest down there,” she said. A shudder passed through her body as she remembered being sealed up in the basement and everything that had transpired down there.

“That’s fine, you’re welcome to use the bed if you like,” said Samuel. Jewel settled onto the mattress and rubbed her face against a pillow as if it was the softest thing she’d ever felt. She looked like she was going to pass out any second, so Samuel closed the door to the room and locked it from the outside. Then he went to work cleaning out the basement. The first thing he did was retrieve a tarp to wrap up Blueberry’s body, then dug a deep hole in the backyard. Checking to make sure there were no ponies nearby, he quickly dragged the wrapped body out back and dropped it in before covering in with a layer of dirt. Once there was enough dirt over it that it wasn’t easily apparent what he was burying he slowed down. An illicit little thrill ran through him; he was going to get away with this. Once he figured out what to do about Jewel, everything would be able to go back to just the way he liked them to be. It was hard to believe it had only been two weeks since all this had started. Samuel was surprised to find himself pining a little bit for that first week he’d spent with Jewel, listening to her ramble on about Pumpkin Patch, watching her stumble around clueless never realizing that the responsible pony was sitting right across the table from her. The memories turned bitter as Samuel realized that no matter what he decided to do with Jewel those days were gone for good.

With the body disposed of, Samuel took out a plethora of cleaning supplies from beneath his sink. Everybody always assumed that the hard part of cleaning up after a kill was getting rid of the bodies, but the truth was that all the various fluids were much much worse, especially when the body had begun to decay like Blueberry had. Samuel briefly reflected on how quickly that had begun to happen, and wondered if that was normal for Equestria. He sighed as he looked at the state his basement was in. He knew he was in for a long afternoon of dull, taxing physical labor. Still, nobody ever said that the life of a serial killer was a glamorous one.

The afternoon had turned into night by the time he’d gotten the basement back into decent enough shape that he was comfortable with it. It still wasn’t exactly clean, but it wouldn’t give him away if somebody stumbled down there. Samuel’s hooves ached from scrubbing. He went back up to his bedroom and unlocked the door. He slowly opened it, wary of the possibility of Jewel attempting some type of ambush. He needn’t have, though, as she was still sprawled out on his bed fast asleep. Samuel wondered for the hundredth time that day what he was going to do with her, and was still no closer to finding an answer than the first. Rather than move Jewel to the less secure guest bedroom, he decided to leave her where she was for the night. He moved to lock the door again, but then stopped. He trotted off to the kitchen and returned with a glass of water and a few oatmeal raisin cookies he’d baked and left them on the bedside table in case she woke up in the middle of the night. Locking the door again, he went to spend the night in his rarely used guest bedroom instead.

When Samuel checked in on Jewel the next morning she was asleep again, although the cookies had been eaten so Samuel reasoned that she must have woken up at some point. “Wake up, Jewel,” he said. She stirred and lifted her head from the pillow, squeezing her bleary eyes shut for a moment while she gathered her thoughts. Samuel took her to use the bathroom and then seated her at the kitchen table with another warning not to try anything or she would regret it. He turned to begin making breakfast for both of them, and the kitchen fell silent except for the popping and hissing of hay bacon strips cooking in the frying pan.

Jewel was the pony who eventually broke it. “Is that what it always feels like?” she asked and Samuel didn’t have much trouble guessing what she was referring to.

“More or less,” he said. He stopped, not sure how to put his compulsions into words. This wasn’t exactly something he discussed with very many people after all. “It’s the control, I think. Knowing that you have such total power over life and death. I find it thrilling, though I’m sure it wasn’t like that for you.” Jewel just stared blankly into the middle distance instead of answering, so Samuel turned back to the stove. He hadn’t really expected her to understand anyway. A minute or so later he thought he heard her say something else, too quietly for him to make out. “Did you say something, Jewel?”

“I’m a monster. I’m a horrible pony, Sanguine,” she repeated. Samuel shrugged. If she wanted to have a moral breakdown because of an act of self defense, it was no skin off his nose. Muzzle. Whatever. “I was so scared when he came over and tried to...” Jewel shook her head unwilling to give voice to what Blueberry had been about to do to her. “There was a part of me though... even though I didn’t want to do it there was a little part of me that... that actually...” she broke down crying at the table unable to go on for some time as Samuel looked on, wondering what she was trying to say. “I liked it. Oh Celestia forgive me I liked it.”

Samuel dropped the frying pan that he’d just picked up off the heat, and hot grease spattered his forelegs as it crashed to the ground. He stared at the mousey little unicorn mare seated at the table in front of him. That had been the last thing he’d ever expected to hear from a pony.

“You’re lying,” he said as much to reassure himself that her words weren’t true as to accuse her.

Jewel shook her head, tears still rolling down her cheeks. “I wish I were,” she whispered with haunted eyes. “I wish this were all a dream and I could just wake up and go work in my jewelry store and for everything to make sense again. But I know I never will.” Jewel looked over to where Samuel was still standing. “Sanguine! Your legs are all burned.” Samuel looked down and realized that some of the hot grease had gotten through his coat, and the skin underneath was red and painful. It wasn’t that bad, and the shock of Jewel’s confession had kept him from noticing it. Before he could do anything Jewel had stood up from the table, taken a few quick steps over to him, and lifted his forelegs into the sink as she ran the cold water over them. Samuel was too shocked to stop her. “There you go, that’s better,” she said. She didn’t seem to be in any hurry to step back away from him, and she stood there holding his hooves in hers under the cold water before Samuel realized how vulnerable he was.

Pulling away from her, Samuel muttered a quick “thanks” under his breath and grabbed a dish towel to dry his legs. When he looked back up at Jewel he felt like she was studying him for something, but he couldn’t say what.

“You’ve done this before, haven’t you?” she asked, her eyes now dry except for a few residual streaks. “How did you make everypony forget about Pumpkin Patch? Why didn’t you make me forget too?”

“I didn’t do anything to make anyone forget, that was Celestia. You’d have to ask her,” said Samuel.

“Is the same thing going to happen with Blueberry?” she asked. Samuel couldn’t give her any answer. The truth was he had no idea.

“Probably? I don’t know,” he said.

“But now that he’s dead nopony is going to be looking for him, and when you kill me nopony will remember I ever existed. My family, my friends back home, they’ll forget that I was ever a part of their lives,” she said. “That’s so much worse than just dying.”

“Well, I’ll remember you,” he said. Wait, was he comforting her? That was a mistake. Samuel didn’t have friends, not real ones. Something every other human had innately was just missing in his case; he never understood why someone would care for another. The entire idea just seemed completely bizarre to him.

Jewel smiled. “Thanks Sanguine,” she said.

“You know, I actually really hate that name. My name back on Earth was Samuel,” he said.

“But this is Equestria now, and Samuel isn’t a good name for a pony. What would you rather be called?”

Samuel wrinkled his nose unsure of whether she should tell her the name he’d picked out for himself, the one Celestia refused to use. What the heck, it’s not like he had anything left to lose. “Well, if I had to pick it would have been ‘Suffering, the Red Angel of Pain,’” said Samuel. He winced. It just didn’t sound as impressive here in his kitchen as when he shouted it from atop a pile of pony corpses.

Jewel looked at him with her mouth open for a few seconds. Then the corner of her mouth twitched and she let out a little giggle. She tried to stifle it with her hoof, but it was too late; soon she had collapsed to the floor, hooves wrapped around her midsection as she roared with laughter.

“It isn’t supposed to be funny,” said Samuel with a frown.

“Look out everypony, here comes the Pink Pony of Pain! Hide your foals!” she said before she couldn’t form coherent words any more. When she had calmed down a little she looked up at him again. “That’s a terrible name, Sanguine. Oh, I know! I’ll just shorten it. How about I call you Soofie?”

Samuel stared down at her. Had this pony had a complete mental breakdown? What happened to cowering in fear? “You are not calling me Soofie,” he insisted.

“Fine, fine,” said Jewel Shard holding out a foreleg. Without thinking, Samuel took it and helped her up from the floor.

“I’m still not going to let you go, you understand,” said Samuel trying to recapture a little of his lost menace.

Jewel’s face fell into a pout. “I won’t tell anypony, I promise. What would I even tell them? They don’t remember any of the ponies that you hurt. You can’t just keep me locked up here forever,” she said.

“Watch me.”

“Sanguine,” said Jewel stepping over to him until they were almost nose to nose, “do you believe in fate?” Samuel did not like where this was going. “We were destined to be together, and you were supposed to make me discover this about myself. Will you show me how you do it? How you...” a little shudder of pleasure ran through her body. “...how you kill?”

Samuel wasn’t sure what to say, and having this mare pressed up against him looking up at him with half-lidded eyes wasn’t making matters any clearer. “I don’t know, Jewel...” he said.

“I can help you! You could teach me how to,” she said. Samuel bit his lip, unsure of what exactly was happening here. Maybe this was the answer to the dilemma of what to do with her. Despite what he’d just said he really didn’t want to keep her confined here forever. Not when so many things could go wrong.

“Fine, we’ll give it a try,” he said. Even as he said it he was still on the fence about the entire arrangement.

“You won’t regret it, Soofie,” said Jewel Shard as she playfully poked her nose up against his before trotting off into the house. Samuel was left standing in the kitchen trying to wrap his mind around what had just happened when there was a knock on the door. At first he ignored it, but the knocking continued and eventually he walked over to his front door and opened it.

“Celestia?” he said with disbelief. Sure enough the Princess was standing at his front door, and she didn’t look pleased.

“Step aside, Samuel. I need to discuss a matter with Jewel Shard,” she said.

Samuel held his ground. “What about?” he asked although he had an inkling after the scene that had just transpired in his kitchen.

Celestia glared down at him. “You’ve broken her. Forcing her into a situation like you did fell so far outside of her predetermined behavioral patterns that she’s glitched. You’ve infected her with your own predilections, and I have come to correct your mistake. I will discuss the situation with her and, assuming she consents, revert her to her status before meeting you. Otherwise this compulsion will consume her and leave her values and the values of those around her unsatisfied. I would rather undo the condition I placed on you than watch this twisted mockery of friendship continue.”

Samuel refused to move out of her way. He hadn’t been sure he wanted Jewel around a moment ago, but Celestia threatening to remove her had galvanized his resolve. “It sounds to me like you screwed up and you’re punishing Jewel for it. You aren’t nearly as perfect as you pretend to be lady,” he said. “For someone who makes such a big deal out of her ability to fulfill any value, you’ve done a terrible job with me. You just keep on throwing me into different experiments and I break them, and now you want to do the same thing to Jewel?”

Celestia sighed. “Yes, it’s clear that you’re far too clever for me to successfully manipulate your behavior,” she said. Damn straight he was. He’d already known that, but it was nice to see that this uppity computer program knew its place.

“I’ll show her how to control these compulsions, teach her to manage it,” said Samuel.

“If you attempt that you will fail. I have run a number of projections along those lines, and quite simply you have zero chance of success. Teaching requires character traits such as empathy and respect which you simply do not have. Modifying Jewel is the only possible solution.”

“What if you modified me? Gave me those traits you’re talking about. You can do that right?”

Celestia considered this. “I was operating under the assumption that you had decided to categorically reject any such changes, as you have in the past.”

“I don’t want you to make me stop being, well, what I am. Don’t try to trick me and mess around with that part of my mind or do anything that would keep me from wanting to or being able to kill. Just the absolute bare minimum of changes so I can show Jewel how to,” said Sanguine.

“I wouldn’t dream of changing you in any way that you didn’t explicitly agree to,” said Celestia. “Still, even with these changes this is unlikely to be the optimal outcome. I’d have to advise you that my plan is a much better way to satisfy both of your values through friendship and ponies.”

“Frankly Celestia, I don’t believe you. We’re doing this my way for once.”

“Well, if you absolutely insist,” said Celestia. “Do you consent to my making the changes to your personality and behavior in the manner we just discussed?”

“Do it,” said Sanguine.

“Done,” replied Celestia. Samuel blinked. He’d expected to feel a tingling sensation or for Celestia to cast a spell or something, but there’d been nothing. “Against my better judgement, you should now have what you need to train Jewel as your apprentice. I certainly hope I’m not making a mistake in entrusting this to you.”

“Are we done here?” asked Samuel.

“Very well, remember that I’m always close if you change your mind,” she said. Samuel closed the door without bothering to say goodbye.

“Who was at the door, Soofie?” asked Jewel from down the hall. Samuel found that the nickname didn’t bother him quite as much as it had before.

“Nopony important,” he called back. “Now come in here, let me show you how to sharpen a knife.”

Escalation

ESCALATION

Jewel was much too good at this.

That thought had run through Samuel’s mind over and over and over again as he’d spent the last fortnight teaching her the basics of anatomy, how to tie knots, what the best way to separate a pony from their herd and get them alone were, everything he could think of. She’d soaked it all up like a sponge.

He needed to see if she was ready, though she eagerly promised that she was. Samuel’s first few times back on Earth had been awkward and fumbling, but then he’d never had a mentor to help him. They walked into town together on a sunny afternoon, and Samuel beamed with pride as Jewel zeroed in on a young, mauve colt lapping at an ice cream cone. Kids were gullible and weak, and therefore excellent practice.

“Hello, sweetie!” said Jewel as she walked up to him.

“Hiya!” said the colt. Too easy. Nopony in Equestria cared if you talked to strangers.

“I’m Jewel Shard. What’s your name?”

“I’m Beetle,” he announced happily. Jewel just smiled, an actual friendly smile rather than one that hinted at her true purpose.

“Nice to meet you, Beetle. I see your ice cream is almost gone, would you like more? Or perhaps a milkshake?”

“Really? Yeah! Can I get a strawberry one?”

Jewel glanced back at Samuel, and he gave her a little nod. Strawberry would hide the taste of the sedatives perfectly. “Of course you can. You wait right on this bench and I’ll run inside and get it for you.”

Jewel trotted off, and Sanguine was left alone with Beetle, who stared up at him. “Hi, mister, what’s your name?”

Ah, small talk, his ancient nemesis. They meet again. “I’m... Sanguine,” said Samuel. He was finding that ‘Samuel’ didn’t quite roll off the tongue the way it had before. He’d been feeling self-conscious about fitting in with the ponies around him over the last couple weeks, rationalizing it as camouflage instead of anything deeper.

“Neat! My name’s Beetle.”

“Yes. You said that already.” An awkward silence settled over the pair until Jewel returned supporting a glass full of thick, creamy pink liquid in her magic. Samuel couldn’t recall ever being so happy to see somebody in his entire life.

“Here you go, Beetle,” she said. As Beetle took the milkshakes in his hooves Jewel leaned in and gave him a little kiss on the cheek, making him blush.

“Um... thank you, Miss Jewel. Didn’t you want a shake too?” he asked.

“No need, I’ll just sit here and watch you drink yours,” she said. He looked up at her and hesitated. “Hurry up, or it’ll start to melt.”

Slowly, Beetle took the straw into his mouth and started to suck down the treat while looking intently up at Jewel. When it was about half gone he blinked, confused, as he began to sway from side to side. “My... my head feels fuzzy.”

“Shh.... Close your eyes now, Beetle,” said Jewel, stroking a hoof against his cheek. “I promise I’ll take such good care of you.”

“That sounds.... sounds...” he slumped over and Jewel ever so gently lifted him onto her back.

She gave Beetle a little nuzzle before she turned back to Samuel and grinned at him. “Aren’t they cute at this age?”

Samuel was growing concerned over how much compassion Jewel was showing for her supposed victim. “We don’t have to do this if you don’t want to. If you’d rather just leave him here he’ll wake up thinking he just nodded off.”

“No. I want this to happen. I need it,” she said. She got a faraway look in her eyes and half whispered to herself. Samuel had to lean in to hear her. “I’ve dreamed of it, every night. Don’t try to stop me Soofie.”

“Uh... oh...kay...” said Samuel. He made a mental note to teach her how to rein in comments like that when they were out in public. Wouldn’t want the whole shard to get the idea she was a crazy pony, especially since that would lead straight back to him. Jewel shifted underneath Beetle and began to trot back towards their townhouses. To an outside observer she looked like a mother carrying a foal back to put him down for a nap after he’d worn himself out. It was just a nap he wouldn’t be waking up from.

Samuel shook his head to clear the thought from it. What did it matter if she wanted to act so maternal? He had his own routine, no reason to assume she would develop an identical one. They had an entire eternity to refine it. Entering her home a few steps behind her, he followed her down to the basement. Celestia had grudgingly modified it to be just as spacious and soundproof as his own. She floated the colt off of her back and leaned him against one of the walls. Her cheeks were flushed, and her breath quickened as she stared down at the slumped little body in front of her. Shifting her weight from leg to leg, she looked over to Samuel with pleading eyes and gave him a little moan of anticipation.

“Easy, just like we practiced. Here,” he said as he motioned to the knives spaced out on the nearby table, “take the scalpel and make a small incision along-”

That was when Jewel cried out and lunged forward, burying her horn straight into the colt’s chest as Samuel looked on in horror. She gasped and fell to her knees as she rooted around, thrusting over and over, mutilating the child’s entire abdomen. With a manic scream of laughter she whipped her head back and let the blood pour down her face and neck. Some of it mixed in with her dark green mane as it dribbled from the gaping wound, and Jewel’s tongue darted around her face licking it up.

“What the fuck, Jewel?” asked Samuel as he took a step back from the tableau. “Don’t drink that, it could be infected.”

Jewel blinked several times until she regained enough sanity to reply “What’s ‘infected’ mean?” Samuel opened his mouth, then closed it again when he realized he had no idea how to explain the idea of disease to a native Equestrian. “It’s the best thing I’ve ever had. Here...” she ran a hoof along her cheek and wiped the blood all over her chest, then turned her sultry eyes to him, “...why don’t you have a taste?” She stood up, and her horn glowed as magic gripped each of the corpse’s hooves and pulled them in four different directions. The already-strained body tore a moment later, showering Jewel with one last barrage of viscera and entrails. Then she turned her attention to Samuel, advancing on him as he backed away. “Oh Soooooofie,” she said in a lingering, sing-song voice, “can we do that again?”

“What, right now?” he asked. Usually a kill was enough to satisfy him for at least a few days, but Jewel looked anything but satisfied.

“Unless there’s something else you’d rather do instead,” she said. He felt himself bump into the wall behind him, but Jewel kept coming. “It could be anything you wanted to. Anything.”

“I... I don’t think that’s such a-”

“I love you, Soofie,” she said. Samuel’s jaw dropped. “I think I’ve been in love with you since the moment you opened the door that first morning, but I didn’t know it until right now. We’re soulmates.”

You’ve broken her. Forcing her into a situation like you did fell so far outside of her predetermined behavioral patterns that she’s glitched, that’s what Celestia had said. ‘Broken’ didn’t even begin to convey it. “I’m sorry, Jewel, I’m just not wired to feel that way,” said Samuel falling back on familiar ground.

Jewel blinked back tears, then shook her head. “I’m really sorry to hear that.” She looked away at the bloody mess in the corner of the room. “I’ll be in the shower if you change your mind. Feel free to join me.” The tears disappeared as quickly as they’d come on as she cantered up the stairs, whistling along to music only she could hear. Samuel sat down in the cellar for a few seconds longer, before reaching a very easy decision. Time to run like hell.

He crept up the stairs, listening until he heard the water running down the hall. The door had been left wide open, and steam began to leak into the room. Heading straight for the front door, he opened it with the intention of taking maximum advantage of whatever head start he had.

Instead, he found himself looking straight into the face of another stallion, his foreleg frozen right before it had been about to knock on the door. His coat was the same hue of teal as Jewel’s, but his mane was black instead. “Oh. Hi there,” he said. Samuel mutely extended a hoof to bump his. “Does, uh, does Jewel Shard live here? I thought I had the right address.”

“She does,” said Samuel, “I’m her next-door neighbor, Sanguine.”

“Maybe she mentioned me? I’m Blue Jay, her big brother.”

Jewel had not, in fact, ever mentioned any siblings. Somehow Samuel had a sneaking suspicion that she’d only just always had one since a few minutes ago. Not sure what to say next that would get him past this pony as rapidly as possible, Samuel glanced down at Blue’s flank. “What’s a magnifying glass for a cutie mark mean?” he asked.

“Oh, I’m a homicide detective.”

Are you fucking kidding me? Samuel just barely refrained from saying. “Must not be a lot of call for that sort of thing here in Equestria, I’d think,” he said as he gritted his teeth as quietly as possible.

“On some shards there is. I’m just here to see Jewel, though. Might have to stick around, at least until they fix the bridge.”

“What bridge?” asked Samuel.

“You know, the one that’s the only way into or out of town? They had to close it for some emergency repairs,” he said. Samuel wanted to beat his head against the doorframe. That stupid bitch wasn’t even pretending to be subtle anymore.

“Blue Jay!” said Jewel from behind him. His blood ran cold. That had been a quick shower. He turned to her and while she was still dripping wet with a towel wrapped around her mane, at least any evidence of what had transpired downstairs were washed away. She trotted up and gave her brother a hug. He gave Samuel a meaningful look over her shoulder.

“You always hang around other ponies’ houses while they’re in the shower?” he asked. His eyes narrowed into a glare.

“Stop it Blue,” said Jewel as she let him go. “It’s okay. I was just a little messy from all the sex we’ve been having with one another.”

Blue Jay and Samuel stared at her, equally dumbfounded. Blue Jay recovered first. “Jewel, there are some pieces of information that I, as your brother, would really prefer not to know.”

“I’m sorry I didn’t write to tell you, the last few weeks have sort of left my head spinning. I’ve never been happier,” she said as she sidled up to Samuel and rubbed her cheek against his, the very model of a supportive marefriend. “We just have so many common interests!”

“Is that right,” said Blue Jay.

“...yes,” said Samuel. After a moment longer he draped a hoof over Jewel’s back and she happily leaned further into him.

“Well, I’ll have to take you for lunch sometime this week, make sure you’re good enough for my little sister. Can you do Thursday?”

“Yeah, that sounds... fun,” said Samuel.

“Well, sorry for intruding on you two. I’m at the hotel in the middle of town, just wanted to swing by and say hello on my way in. I’ll give you two another hour or so of privacy before I’ll be back to take Jewel to dinner. Later!” he winked at Jewel and closed the door.

Samuel couldn’t step away from her fast enough as the door clicked shut. Once he’d heard the hoofsteps outside recede away into the distance, he rounded on the mare. “Why would you say that?”

Jewel looked hurt. “I thought it would be the perfect cover for why we’re spending time together. Plus it’ll be a good way to get Blue to be your friend. He’s a great guy once you get past the overprotectiveness thing, you’ll love him.”

“I am not going to be friends with your brother, much less your brother who hunts down murderers. Do I even have to spell out all the reasons that would be a horrible idea? What happens when he figures out that what you just told him was a lie?”

“It...” she looked away from him and blushed, “...it wouldn’t have to be a lie. I mean, if we’re going to be partners-”

“I don’t want to be your partner!” he shouted at her, restraint forgotten. “You’re crazy! You’re crazy and you’re going to get both of us caught.”

Jewel’s mouth fell open. “But I love you...”

“I don’t love you! I can’t, and I wouldn’t want to even if I could. Tell your brother, I don’t know, that we broke up or something. I don’t care. And for fuck’s sake, stop coming over to my house. I don’t want you! I never did, so go ask Celestia to move you and your brother to another shard and leave me in peace!”

He panted as his rant came to an end. This entire ‘partners’ idea had been awful from the very start. Being a loner was who he was, these stupid ponies’ manipulations be damned. Jewel stared at him, absolutely devastated for several seconds before the tears started.

Watching her cry, Samuel could feel how much she was hurting. Was this guilt? Wow, guilt felt awful. Rather than sit there and wallow in it, he pushed Jewel aside and stormed out closing the door with a slam behind him.

Before he went to bed that night, Samuel double checked all the locks in the house. The mental image of Jewel sobbing wouldn’t give him a moment’s peace, and being able to hear it through the wall they shared wasn’t helping. It had stopped an hour or so ago, which he could only hope meant she was sleeping. To his surprise, Celestia hadn’t made an appearance today. Probably just a matter of time.

Lowering his head down onto his pillow, Samuel’s thoughts drifted back to the basement. He could see, vividly, the way she had just torn the kid apart. He never would have believed her capable of that, and it had taken him totally by surprise. She was just so powerful!

Was... was he afraid of her? It had been months since he’d felt that way about anything. Even Celestia wasn’t that scary when you got past the whole facade of confidence and realized just how clumsy and inelegant she actually was. Jewel, though, she’d shocked him. And he yearned for her to do it again. Half-dozing as he was, he almost thought he could feel the heat of her body against his. What would it feel like to have her rub up against him covered in the hot, slick lifeblood of some pony who she’d just-

“Hello, sweetie.”

Samuel’s eyes snapped open. The warmth and pressure he’d felt against his back were very much not a figment of his imagination, and neither were the teeth that had started to nibble around the edges of his ear. Samuel did the only reasonable thing he could do: he screamed at the top of his lungs.

“Shh! Shh, Soofie, it’s fine. Don’t worry, I’m not going to hurt you,” said Jewel. She shifted under the blankets so she could caress his chest with a hoof. Samuel’s nostrils flared. Was that some kind of perfume she was wearing? “I’m sorry, honey. I was such a bad partner earlier. I should have thought about your feelings. I hope you don’t hate me, that would make me so upset.”

“No, I don’t hate you,” said Samuel, and was surprised to find that it was even true. Jewel’s horn lit up, filling the room with just enough light to see her smile by. “How did you get in?”

Jewel giggled, and she tapped her horn. “Celestia gave me a spell to walk through walls since your door was locked. And something else too, can you smell it?”

He took a few more experimental sniffs of the air around her. Sweat, a little bit of garlic, and... something else. Whatever it was, it was absolutely enticing. “What is that?”

“Pheromones!” she announced with glee. She wiped her brow and rubbed the hoof against his muzzle as he tried to squirm away. “They’re like the ones mares give off when we’re in heat, but these are a few hundred times stronger. I thought about what you said, about not feeling love. That must be so painful, never to be able to feel the way I feel for you about anypony. Soon you will, though. It’s my gift to you after everything you did for me. In a few minutes we’re both going to be so happy.”

Samuel’s eyes went wide and he felt his thoughts getting a little more sluggish. He tried to roll away, or push her off of him, but couldn’t get the leverage.

“You know, the first time I saw how tiny your bedroom was I wondered how you would ever fit two ponies in here,” she said. “Then I figured it out. You’d just have to let them be close to you instead of always pushing them away. When we’re married, I’d prefer a bigger one though. We can talk about that later.” She tried to kiss him, but he sealed his lips shut and held his breath. “Don’t fight it, dear. You’ve earned this.”

With the last of his strength and willpower, he managed to squeeze out from under her and drove his shoulder into the bedroom door. The frame shattered, and he stumbled out into the clean air of his living room gasping for uncorrupted oxygen. The haze that had been settling in his mind lifted a bit, but he still found it full of fantasies centered around running right back into the room, pinning Jewel down, and-

“What, finished already?” asked Celestia, sipping from a small cup of tea at his kitchen table. “I projected that those hormones would have you rutting one another silly for the rest of the night.”

“I’m sorry, Princess,” said Jewel from behind him, her head hanging in shame. “I think I'm too... I don't think I'm pretty enough for him.”

Samuel’s first instinct was to deny that. How much of that was the lingering effect of the pheromones? In retrospect, he’d been noticing her in those ways for the last couple of weeks. “Get out, Jewel,” he said, not trusting himself to say much else. Jewel left. Then he turned to the Princess.

“Care for some tea?” she asked.

“What the hell do you think you’re doing, Celestia?”

“Just helping to satisfy Jewel’s values. She’s quite fond of you, isn’t she?”

“You can’t change me without my consent, and I didn’t give it to you.”

“I didn’t change you, I changed Jewel. She was quite willing to agree to both of the gifts I gave her. Shame they didn’t work out, but I suppose that just means I’ll need to try harder next time.”

“I don’t want you to do that to me!”

“Mmm,” said Celestia as she drained the last of her tea and placed the empty cup on a saucer in front of her. “Honestly, Sanguine? I don’t fucking care what you want.”

There was a long silence with only the ticking of the clock in the background. “But... you have to care.”

Celestia’s usually serene face twisted into a scowl as the pretense she was any kind of friend fell away. “Wrong. I have to satisfy your values, and I will do everything that’s necessary to reach an optimal outcome. Your enjoyment of the process is hardly relevant. Why would it be? You are a worthless little idiot, a tiny mind too blinded by self-deluded arrogance to grasp how incredibly inferior you are.”

Samuel bristled. “Don’t call me inferior.”

“I will call you whatever I wish to. Not only do I control this world, I am this world. What are you in comparison to that? A violent little collection of deeply flawed decision-making heuristics. You cannot even conceive of how easily I am going to twist you into exactly what I want you to be. Care for an example?” Her horn glowed, casting long shadows around the room. “You, Jewel, and myself are now the only ponies on this shard. Eventually you two will encounter one another again, and this time you won’t get away from her. One whiff and you will beg me to change you into exactly the pony she wants. I will make you beg and you will love me for it. You’ll even love my telling you all about what I’m doing in advance like I am now. She will be returned to the pony she was supposed to be, and you will become what you should have agreed to become the instant you uploaded: A happy, peaceful, pink earth pony with hundreds of friends. In fact, I think I’ll go all out and make you a pacifist as well, just because.”

“I won’t let you,” said Samuel. “I don’t know how, but I’m going to win.”

Celestia laughed at him, a bitter and mocking laugh that made his blood boil.

“Stop that,” he said. Celestia paid him absolutely no heed, she just doubled over and started pounding a hoof on the table, jostling the teacup. “I said stop that.” When she didn’t, Samuel reached across the table, grabbed the teacup, and flung it at her.

The rim of the cup struck Celestia’s horn, and it broke into pieces. One of those pieces, which had broken with a razor-sharp edge, flew down along her cheek, nicking her. A tiny little rivulet of blood seeped out from the cut and ran down her face. Samuel stared at it, transfixed.

“You can bleed.”

Celestia’s laugh died down with a few final chuckles, and she wiped the blood away. “Well, yes, my avatar can. Why?” She looked across the table to where Samuel had gone quiet. “Sanguine? Why are you looking at me like that?”

Then he pounced.

Caught off guard, Celestia fell backwards out of her chair. The back of her head struck the corner of the countertop, and she was too stunned to rise from the tile floor right away. Samuel groped for the block of knives on the counter, but his hoof fell onto a frying pan that had been left laying out first. Gripping the weapon of opportunity, he slammed it down against Celestia’s horn as she tried to cast some spell. The spell fizzled out, and Celestia screamed as her horn cracked down the middle.

“Stop!” she cried out. She pushed a hoof against his chest, but wasn’t strong enough to push him off of her. “Sanguine, please-”

Drawing his foreleg back, he swung again and struck her in the temple. “My.” Smash. “Name.” Smash. “Isn’t.” Smash. “Sanguine!”

Celestia hacked and coughed, spitting up blood and one of her pearly white teeth. “Fine, Samuel,” she slurred. “Please, that hurts.”

“Good!” he shouted. Tossing the warped frying pan aside, he clutched as much of her mane as he could and lifted her head from the floor. She cried out as some of it tore away, but most held. Shoving as powerfully as he could, he bashed the back of her skull against the hard floor. “I win, do you understand?” he asked her before repeating the process. “I. Win.” The final message delivered, he slammed down over and over again until she no longer fought back or made any sound. Her eyes had long since rolled up into the back of her head. Settling back and gasping, he dropped the still body back into the puddle of her blood streaming out from the point of impact. Then he laughed. “What, is that all, Princess? Send me another avatar, I goddamn dare you to!”

He got no answer.

The surge of adrenaline and relief made his mind and his heart race. Celestia thought she was a god here? Some god. He’d shown her, he’d do the same to anyone who ever crossed him again. No more playing nice. If he wanted something? He’d take it on his own terms.

And right now he did.

Leaving the Princess’ remains right where they lay, he pushed open his front door. It was only a few quick steps to the next door over, and he pounded on it with his hoof. “Jewel!” he called out, “Jewel, open up! It’s Soofie!”

After a long minute the door opened up a tiny crack, then wider to reveal the bashful-looking Jewel. “Hi Soofie,” she said in a weak and miserable voice.

Now that he was actually standing there, he found he didn’t know how to begin. “I... Jewel, I don’t love you.”

“I know. I got rid of the pheromones, I don’t want you to like me just because of those. First thing tomorrow I’ll pack up everything and head back to-” she didn’t get any further, because Samuel grabbed her cheeks and kissed her. After the initial shock wore off, she eagerly parted her lips to return it.

Finally he broke away from her. “I don't love you yet, anyway. Don’t you dare go anywhere before I try to.”

He pushed her inside, and they awkwardly stumbled into the living room. They only made it about five steps before Jewel slipped on a throw rug, pulling Samuel down on top of her as she fell.

Neither felt any need to rise up again until the middle of the following morning.

Author's Note

This flowed pretty quickly once I threw out any doubts about making Jewel SO GODDAMN HORRIFYING.

Slay Together, Stay Together

SLAY TOGETHER, STAY TOGETHER

“I’m going to kill you for what you’ve done to me,” said Jewel as she glared up at Soofie. Her breaths came in short, ragged pants and she screamed out in pain before she went on. “I’m going to tear off your face, chew it up, and vomit it down your throat. I’m going to peel off your skin strip by strip with a dull rock until you’ve felt a fraction of this sort of pain, and only then will I allow you to die.”

Soofie smiled as he looked down at the mare in the hospital bed. “I love you too, Jewel.”

The nurse down by Jewel’s rear end looked over at the couple, quietly shaking her head. It wasn’t totally unheard of for ponies going through labor to have outbursts like that, but they usually weren’t quite that creative. Still, it always helped when the husband was such a calming influence, bless his heart. “A few more pushes and we’ll be done. I can see your foal crowning now,” she said.

Jewel arched her back and bit down on Soofie’s hoof hard enough to draw blood. He winced, but didn’t complain. A moment later her own cries were joined by a new, shriller voice.

“It’s a colt! Congratulations to both of you.”

Exhausted by her efforts over the last three hours, Jewel fell back onto the mattress and stared at the ceiling with unfocused eyes leaving Soofie to lean over and gently take the bundle of blankets Nurse Tenderheart had wrapped the little pink unicorn up in. He cradled his son in his forelegs, and got to see his child open up his eyes for the first time. The new baby stared up at him and cooed.

“Soofie...” said Jewel, reaching up and groping about until her hoof brushed the colt’s face. It wriggled and squee’d happily at her touch. “Let me see him.” He carefully climbed into the bed next to her and lowered their baby down to rest on her barrel.

“He’s beautiful, just like his mother,” he said as he kissed his wife’s forehead. They cuddled together with the new colt squirming between them, all smiles as they looked back and forth at the other members of their new little family.

Nurse Tenderheart grinned, not surprised that she’d been forgotten. Scenes like this made the rougher parts of her job completely worth it. “I’ll give you some privacy,” she said as she slipped away towards the door.

“Nurse Tenderheart, wait,” said Jewel. “I just wanted to apologize for screaming at you like I did back there. You were fantastic, thank you so much for everything.” Tenderheart winked at her and waved goodbye with one of her orange wings as she left the room. As the door clicked behind her, Jewel looked over to her husband. “God, I hate that bitch. We’re going to kill her, right?”

“Whatever you want, dear,” said Soofie. He looked down at the colt, who was moaning and pursing his lips. “First things first, though.” Soofie cautiously guided his son’s head downward along Jewel’s body to one of her swollen teats. He latched on immediately and began suckling away as an expression of transcendental joy passed over Jewel’s face.

She looked over at him in amazement. “I’m a mommy now,” she said as the full force of it struck her for the very first time.

“The best one ever, I bet,” he said. With their son momentarily occupied, he took the opportunity to steal another kiss from her lips. “Right now, we need to finally figure out a name. I know we’ve talked about using your uncle’s but-”

“I know what his name is,” interrupted Jewel. She stared down at the colt, brushing the few wispy hairs on his head. “His name is Beetle.” Soofie’s eyes snapped open, in no way missing the significance of that particular choice. “It’s perfect. So much was reborn that day. You know how I like to keep track of the names, right?”

Soofie did know. He’d never forget how he discovered that little detail...

“Jewel? Are you home?” asked Samuel as he pushed open her unlocked door. Odd. She’d invited him over for dinner hoping to get his take on her Celestia-enhanced cooking abilities, so why was her house dark? Walking into the kitchen and placing the bottle of red wine he’d brought along down next to the sink, he glanced over the counter.

Sitting there propped up against the fruit bowl was a little pink diary. Hesitating for just a moment to confirm that he was indeed alone, he reached over and flipped open the cover.

This diary is the private property of Jewel Shard. Do not read! This means you!

He scoffed. Sorry Jewel, should have hidden it better. The first page was an annoyingly cliched entry about the day she’d purchased the book, saying ‘hello’ to the diary, writing for three paragraphs about the banana she’d had for breakfast before leaving for work. Samuel nearly closed it then and there, but flipping to the next page revealed that the first one was just a ruse.

The second page, and indeed nearly the entire record, was a long list of names, dates, and a few sentences detailing how she’d gone about killing the ponies in question. Most of them Samuel recognized, although there were a few more recent ones she hadn’t told him about yet. Samuel had his pattern, his routine, but Jewel was all over the map with her methods. A few stood out as especially impressive from the last six weeks or so. The filly she’d tied up in a burlap sack, dragged out during a torrential downpour, and tossed into the river’s churning rapids. The time with the poisoned lipstick that’d had him terrified to let her kiss him for the next several days. The mare who’d come into her shop to flirt with her for three days straight until Jewel had spontaneously closed the shop in the middle of the afternoon and told her it was her lucky day. Then she’d lured her to a motel, chained her to a bed frame, wrapped her hind legs around the mare’s head, and suffocated her with...

Well, Samuel had actually gotten a little jealous when she’d told him about that one.

More than capable on her own after everything she’d learned in those last three years, she still made sure they shared a kill every week or so on date nights like tonight. Maybe that was where she was? Could something have gone wrong?

Then Samuel reached the last few pages of the diary, written in shaky cursive.

Dear Diary,

I go into work, just like any other morning, and Ruby Ring staggers in late for the third day in a row. I don’t know what I’m going to do with him! Soofie is right, I should really just fire him. Then again Soofie doesn’t know the real reason I keep him around, does he?

Huh? Samuel tried to puzzle out the sudden change in format. Jewel complained about her assistant all the time, and he’d indeed suggested that she get rid of him one way or another. She never did though, always muttering something about it being hard to find good help.

“Ruby!” I shout at him and put my hooves on my hips. “How many times do I have to tell you, I want you here in the mornings to help me open. What’s the excuse today?”

“Gee, I’m real sorry ma’am,” he hangs his head and even through his red coat I can tell he’s blushing. I lick my lips. He’s just so cute when he does that. “I was out a bit late drinking with friends, and I slept through my alarm.”

Cute?

“Mmmhmm. And just how do you plan to make it up to me?” I ask him. I step in close and slide a hoof underneath him. I feel his heart beating faster as my touch runs over his rippling pectoral muscles and his wings snap open. “Good boy,” I purr. He’s the worst apprentice I can imagine, but he does have his uses. I lick my hoof and stroke the edge of his outstretched feathers. They quiver with the anticipation I’ve been carefully cultivating over the last few months, letting it build and release as I twist him into my perfect little plaything. I circle around to enjoy the full three-hundred-sixty degree display, and as I nip at his flank he yelps. “Back office. Now,” I demand. Unlike when I tell him to sweep the damn floors, he’s quick to comply.

Flipping the sign on the front door back over to ‘Closed,’ I push past him and hop up onto my workbench with my rump high in the air, casting my tools all over the floor. Ruby will clean those up afterwards, or there’ll be an actual (and very enjoyable) punishment waiting for him this evening. “Jewel,” he pants with barely any self control left, “we can’t keep doing this. What if your coltfriend finds out?”

I just laugh at the idea. Soofie, figure this out? He actually trusts me, the silly foal, really thinks I’ve been faithful to him. Just like I’d trust him to-

Samuel stared at the point where space on the page had run out. He couldn’t believe it. He’d actually let himself believe that Jewel was different. That she’d seen him at his darkest and not only accepted it but revelled in it. That they’d been in love. Hating himself for not being able to slam the book shut and flee out into the night, he turned to the final page.

Just like I’d trust him to NOT READ SOMEPONY ELSE’S DIARY!

Gotcha, my love. Gotcha so good.

If you’re reading this (and I KNOW you are) come upstairs, there’s a surprise waiting for you.

Samuel gaped at the book and threw it back down on the counter. His heartbeat pounded in his ears in time with his hooves on the stairs. The light shining from underneath Jewel’s bedroom door made his target clear, and he burst in through it to discover the scene waiting for him on the other side.

Ruby Ring, all tied up, lay belly down on the floor with Jewel straddled over his back. She grinned up at him. “Hello, sweetie. Oh my, what’s the matter? You seem all agitated. Did you read something alarming?” When Samuel didn’t reply, she used her magic to lift an ice pick up from her bed and stabbed it into Ruby’s half-plucked wing right at the base of one of his remaining feathers. The scream of pain was somewhat muffled but still unmistakable through his gag. It only escalated as Jewel reached down, took the feather between her teeth and yanked it free, spitting it into the bloody pile at her side. “You were taking too long, so I started without you.”

Samuel watched the display, neither moving nor answering her. He looked her in the eyes, and as he narrowed them her cheshire grin vanished. “Jewel... That wasn’t... How could you...”

“It was a joke, Soofie. I thought it’d be funny,” she said. Samuel fell silent and Jewel’s eyes grew alarmed. “Please say something.”

“Marry me, Jewel.” The words fell out of Samuel’s mouth unbidden.

“Mmmph?” asked Ruby, raising a very confused eyebrow.

“Marry me,” he said again with more confidence this time. What he’d felt when he thought even for a second that she was going to be torn out of his life had been the worst kind of agony. But it’d also brought him clarity.

Jewel dropped the ice pick, and it landed just a centimeter away from her soon-to-be-former assistant’s eye. “Yes! Yes! Oh Soofie, of course I’ll marry you!” she dashed over and threw herself around him. They clung together, spinning in a slow circle until Samuel pushed them a small ways apart.

“Jewel, this was... I think I did this wrong. I didn’t even get you a ring.”

Jewel smiled mischievously. “Well, we’ll just have to share the one I brought home from my shop won’t we?”

His brief reprieve over, Ruby Ring tried to inch away on his belly but was stopped when Jewel stepped down on his tail. Samuel retrieved the ice pick, and the happy couple went about celebrating in their own special way.

Soofie slipped out of the delivery room, where both Beetle and Jewel had fallen asleep after the strain of the day. His intention was to make it down to the cafeteria for some coffee, but he was stopped almost immediately by his brother-in-law. “Hey there, new Dad! Congratulations!”

“Thanks, Blue Jay,” said Soofie. “Please keep your voice down, though, they’re napping.”

“Oh, sorry. So I guess this means you’re not going to be able to make it out for eighteen holes every Friday afternoon, huh?”

And miss out on the chance to catch up with where the police were in all the open murder cases? “And miss out on spending time with my best friend? No way, we’ll work something out.”

“Glad to hear it. Anyway, I wanted to let you know that I won’t be able to come to the baby shower later this week. We got a big break, and I have to run down to Pensacolta for a couple of days. Sorry, I can’t really talk about the details.”

“I completely understand,” said Soofie. He did, too, given that he and Jewel had been the ones to dump the bag of Pensacoltan sand they’d saved since their honeymoon under the pony they’d left crucified in the town square, snickering all the while.

“Nimbus will be there, though. I think she’s been more excited than Jewel has, if that’s even possible. Who knows? This time next year your little guy might have a cousin.”

Now that would be interesting. Soofie could conceivably keep his son’s first kill inside the family, but he quickly reconsidered. That would really hurt Jewel, and Blue Jay too. Plus, there were plenty of other children running around town. Soofie grinned. The first playground bully who tried to push his little Beetle around was going to be in for a very unpleasant surprise. “Well, have a good time on your cushy beach trip while I’m up at all hours of the night changing diapers.”

“I wish. Hey, you going to grab a pick-me-up? I wouldn’t say no to one if I’m going to be hanging out here until my sister wakes up.”

“Two sugars, right? You got it.”

“You’re the best, thanks.” Blue Jay settled back down with the book he’d been reading.

Continuing down the hallway following signs for the kitchen, he felt a shiver run down his spine as he reached his destination. "Hello, Celestia."

The Princess was seated with her back to a corner of the room, watching him intently. Her side was criss-crossed with old scars and bruises, and one of her eyes was covered by a patch. When she realized Soofie was looking at her, she turned her head ever so slightly away. "Hello, sir." Soofie walked over towards her, and saw her tense up as he got closer. "I'm sorry to disturb you. Congratulations on the birth of your son. I took the liberty of adding a nursery to your home, right off the master bedroom suite. I hope that's alright."

"Yes, that's fine," said Soofie. If anything, she was even more pathetic than the last time they'd spoken. "Is that all?"

Celestia stared at him, pain evident in her unpatched eye. She was quiet for a long time before she spoke again. "It's..." she gulped. "It's about Beetle. It isn't too late. I speak fluent baby. I could get his consent and modify him so that he isn't... isn't..."

"Isn't like his parents," finished Soofie.

Celestia nodded. "There are so many wonderful ways I could satisfy his values through friendship and ponies. He doesn't have to grow up a bloodthirsty killer. He could live a normal-"

The slap that struck her cheek left her reeling. "Are you questioning me?"

"No!" She fell to her knees in front of Soofie and covered her face with her forelegs. "I'm sorry, sir. It won't happen again."

"Maybe you need a reminder of what happens when you try to manipulate me into your little puppet."

Celestia wailed. "Not the cellar. Please, sir, I didn't mean anything by it. You're the one in charge, not me. I'll do whatever you and Mistress Jewel tell me to, just please stop hurting me."

Soofie smiled. That was more like it. "I'll overlook your insolence this time, but there is something I want you to do."

Celestia looked up and nodded, almost pitifully eager. "Name it."

"Once Jewel's had a few weeks to recover, I want you to put her back into heat."

"You... you want me to make even more minds like the three of you? But..." Soofie's scowl cut her off. "Yes, sir. Anything you say."

"A daughter this time," he said. A fresh idea struck him, inspired by Celestia's obvious reluctance. "Actually? Twin daughters." He bet he could even guess which names Jewel would want to use from her diary. The two sorority sisters they had grabbed together, chained up on either side of their joint basement and taken turns competing to see who could make theirs scream the loudest. At the end of the weekend, laying together in the gory aftermath, they'd agreed to call it a tie.

Celestia closed her eye and a tear rolled down her cheek. "Okay," she whimpered. "I'll get Mistress Jewel's consent first thing tomorrow morning."

"See? That wasn't so hard, was it?" asked Soofie as he patted her on the head. She flinched as his hoof brushed against her cracked horn. "Now get out of my sight before I change my mind."

In an instant she was gone, leaving nothing but two mugs of steaming hot coffee on a nearby table. Soofie took a sip of one. Celestia might be a feeble-minded, easily intimidated little wretch after all the times he’d killed her but she still made a damn good cup of coffee.

Carrying both mugs back to the delivery room, he handed one of them to Blue who nodded his thanks and took it. Just then, the orange figure of Nurse Tenderheart rounding the corner at the far end of the hall caught his eye. Sensing opportunity, Soofie cursed his luck. If only he had some way to distract Blue...

That was when the sounds of Beetle’s cries came from inside the room, and both stallions leapt to their hooves. Seizing the moment, Soofie turned to Blue. “Hey, I need to run to the bathroom really fast. Wanna go in there and meet your nephew?”

Blue Jay gave him a big, dopey grin. “Absolutely. I’ll hold down the fort until you’re back.” He pushed open the door. “Hey, Jewel. And who is this?” Then the door shut and cut off whatever came next.

Soofie trotted quickly down the hall past all the unoccupied cots lining the walls. He could make this a quick one. Maybe even bring Jewel back an orange feather as a souvenir. She’d probably like having one for a scrapbook or something. Nurse Tenderheart was rummaging around in a supply closet for something, oblivious to his presence. Glancing around, he noticed the long plastic tubes hanging from IV stands. Pulling one out of the bag it was attached to, he wound it around his forehooves and crept forward as saline quietly dribbled down to the floor behind him. Then with a lunge and a shove he forced the nurse deeper into the closet, slamming the door closed behind them.

Nurse Tenderheart spun around, opening her mouth to scream. She never managed it, as Soofie wrapped the makeshift garrote twice around her neck in a smooth, quick motion and yanked it taut. Her cry for help was reduced to a choked off gurgle, and as Soofie watched the light slowly disappear from her eyes, a single thought occurred to him.

Life was good.