The Best Stories Your Eyes Will Ever See

by Erebos

Rating: mature
Tags: Comedy, Random
Length: 2461

Just a bunch of random short stories

Have you ever read my stories. No of course not, but any way these stories are pretty insane venture onward and discover a treasure of tales from the 158th best author to ever grace this fandom.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2013-01-14 00:17:54 UTC

The Nick Cage experience

Nick Cage

A fiery comet crashed into the Everfree forest. It was slightly large enough to hold 5 ponies but when the doors opened ponies did not come out instead a man came out and his name was Nick Cage.

Nick was a human who was considered to awesome to keep on earth so he was sent to Equestria.

As Nick moved out of the forest he stumbled upon a small town known as Ponyville. When a purple pony with a dragon on her back suddenly galloped up to him.

“What the fuck are you.” The dragon asked

“ Now spike don’t be rude, hello sir what is your name?” and then with a voice as beautiful as an angels lullaby to a baby he replied.

“ I am Nick Cage.” At this twilight lost it throwing the dragon of her back saying.” Oh Nick please your so rugged, and your voice is beautiful take me now!” she was practically shouting during the end and so Nick cage made out with her.

Next Nick went to buy some apples he saw a pony an orange-coated pony talking with a rainbow manned Pegasus. Nick calmly said.” I would like some apples.”

The mares looked at each other then at Nick and smiled. As the orange one said. “ Sugar cube y’all are about as fine looking as the best red apple how would you like to show me and my friend RD here a good time.”

So Nick Cage showed them the greatest time of their lives.

After he was done with the two ponies he went to the boutique. As he walked in this alabaster mare pounced on him and said in an oddly British accent.

“ these clothes these magnificent clothes rut me and my friend Fluttershy now.” Just then Luna, Celestia ,  Shinning Armor , Cadence , Dave from accounting, and Trixie walked in.

“YOU HAVE BEEN ORDERED TO ALLOW US IN THIS FEST OF CORNICOPIA.” Luna said.

“Ok.” After nick said this shinning jazzed so hard he exploded and Trixie started orgasming so much and so hard she became a literal rocket going up through the roof of the boutique and not stopping until she crashed into the moon.

And Nick gave every one who wasn’t dead the best sex ever.

Except for Dave from accounting, fuck that guy.

As nick was finished Celestia told him that he would now be the king of Equestria as well as captain of the royal guard but there was still one pony to go.

As Nick walked into sugar cube corner he saw a pink pony.

“Hey I am Nick Cage.”

“I know who you are.” At this nick looked stoic like a Greek god basking in glory.

“ You are an evil man you are a horrible excuse for an actor that has somehow become popular on the Internet. I will never fall under your spell I’ve been beyond the fourth wall Nick, I know who you really are it is time for you to die.”

The pink pony finished talking and pulled out a gun and tried to fire but she couldn’t she looked confused as Nick began the most menacing evil laugh ever.

I mean honestly that laugh was a fucking masterpiece.

‘It can’t be helped the second I laid my eyes on you, your ability to resist is futile, now you and this world will be mine.”

As her body began to feel tingly she tried yelling through the fourth wall.

“ No please no, Erebos help me please pull some Deus ex machina, help me help I know you can hear me.

Erebos could hear her and so he sent the only thing that could stop his creation.

Unfortunately Erebos was really tired and instead of sending bees he sent Dave from accounting.

And so Equestria became Nick Cage’s kingdom. And Dave was killed.

The one with a haiku

Her virginity was

Lost on a dirty bathroom floor

Her name is Rarity

Mission impossible: rescuing derpy

The Mission to Save Derpy

Now once upon the time there was a fan fic author named Erebos. And he was the biggest dick ever.

Now he wasn’t the type that had sex with you with out a condom while he had syphilis (although he had done that.) he also wouldn’t “accidently spill” hot coffee on you so you couldn’t get that promotion (again also did).

No he was the type who raised a steroid induced rottwiler to eat the elderly.

Yeah huge dick, but every dick must do something non dickish and this is that tale.

Now our story starts out with how Erebos spends many days, watching TV while paying a hooker for companionship. Just as the hooker walked out Lou walked in.

Now Lou is an oddball, he has some great ideas like watching MLP, and that’s it. Really that was his best idea. The majority of his ideas were bad, these are some of his finest ideas

Bro invest in MySpace.

Trust me bro that chick does not syphilis.

Dude lets burn an orphanage!

Do you think this guys a real Nigerian prince?

If I chopped of your toes could we reattach them?

Bad ideas, but today he had an unbelievable stupid idea.

“Let’s save Derpy I know where they are hiding her”

I was about to tell him that was the dumbest idea I had heard, and my rottweilier Rex needed to feed, but then I thought Rex is a big dog (literally he is like 500 pounds of solid muscle) he can take care of himself.

So we hop in my car and drive to the Hasbro HQ when we walked in the woman at the front desk’s phone call was interrupted by Lou’s fist. As he grabbed her collar he screamed.

“ GIVE DERPY BACK YOU BITCH!”

This as many of you know is not how you handle these type of situations so they hauled his ass off to prison so I hoped back in my car drove home get Rex my dog and Travis.

Oh no Travis isn’t a person, Travis is a nuclear engine powered train that built for these situations exactly.

Yup you guessed correctly running over cars so I can complete my drug deliveries faster,because otherwise the bomb in my ass will explode.

But today I was using him to break out Lou so we drive up to the prison every one is out side people getting shanked, that large black man violating a small white car thief, prison how I have missed you.so we saw Lou but he was behind this bartered wired fence so I did the only logical thing

I drove through the fence.

Killing a bunch of people. But Lou got in safe. “Hey thanks man, so what type of guns we got.” He said,And so I handed him my latest creation, the OTP gun

Ah so your curious, well the OTP gun traps people in artwork with the OTP( or one true pairing for those of you who are in here and avoided this I envy you.) And since everyone knows That Genghis Khan X Peyton Manning is OTP it makes for some interesting artwork.

"Wait, wait." Said a voice that I just knew was my editor.

"What editor, you know I don’t like you interrupting these things." I said

" my apologies Erebos lord of awsomeness and god of buttsex but they're are multiple OTPs" he replied

"What do you mean there’s more than one OTP!" I shouted

"Some people just have a different opinion" he replied calmly

"What do you mean people have opinions that differ from mine!" I yell.

" Also you can't ship real people." He adds on

"What do you mean I can’t ship real people! I can too just you watch!" I am practice punching babies right now.

All right next week editor  I ship Barack Obama X Russell Crowe

I begin typing this story as I believe it has potential

“Mr. president” Russell said “yes” replied Barack….

"My lord the story you were working on."

"What editor, oh woops well back to the story." I say and start typing

So we get to the Hasbro HQ and the goddamn OTP guns don’t work because of my stupid editor. Thankfully one black man named L’carpetron gave him some real guns and those worked fine, so after we go to the secrete room we to our surprise did not see Derpy, what we saw was worse much worse.

Without going into to much detail we saw these fat cat directors doing horrible things to our childhood favorites fortunately one of the directors told us to go to The Hub HQ. So we did just that and there was a line to get in.

Some charity shit going on but I was mad as I left Travis at the airport when I stole this plane to fly out here as I walked I decided no more silent protagonist.

Lou sensed this.” No E don’t do this think of the children.” But I jumped out, threw Rex into the crowd, and screamed.

“AMERICAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Rex was pretty impressive I trained him to eat only the elderly but he did very well murdering about 65 people when the cops tried to take him down not even a good shot to the head would work he even the police dogs how about that.

Any way I went guns a blazing. Like a monkey, spider, human combination just chugged 5 kegs of Four Loco and then gave himself a shot of adrenalin just cause. Also I was pissed because I missed my chance to watch the greatest TV channel ever the weather channel.

So every one is dead, after some searching and a very odd encounter with a janitor (he kept spewing stuff about how his name was scruffy and he was reading a very inappropriate magazine)

But he told us were we needed to go, unfortunately there was a pass code lock right as he was about to say something I entered in nipple and the doors opened.

How did I know it was nipple well I was a…

"Stop!" Ugggh it's editor,again.

"Editor stop interrupting these, why are you doing this?" I question

" it's just well they shouldn't hear this story why don't you tell them about the time you tazzed those hobos.

"What do you mean they shouldn’t hear this story?" I reply, slightly smiling rembering those seizing hobos

"Well that story is illegal and could get you in big trouble, not to mention no reader needs those skills of yours."

"But what if they need someone to take down an influential Moldavian arms corporation."

" I highly doubt that any of our readers know any Moldovian arms corporations."

"Or they need someone who knows the ins and outs of the chineese banking system."

"Again I highly doubt you will need to stage another fradualent transfer."

"Or they need to know when the Czechoslovakian New year is who will tell them?"

"For the love of god it's the same as every other goddamn new year." Editor screamers he looks at me and just flat out leaves.

So anyways we go in and to my surprise there she is Derpy I break open the bars and she says. “Hey that was cool lets go back to your place” and so we fly off into the sunset mission accomplished.

The End

Except for the next morning when I woke up and found out that derpy stole my booze before she left.

Wow I didn't say i just don't know what went wrong during the entire story let me check something. yep i am about to be killed by rabid Derpy fans goodbye cruel worjwfopiphfpiuhwhjgoiehbiybhl,p

Twilight sparkle looses her doomsday device

The Lost Device

The ritual was just about to begin so Twilight went over her pre ritual checklist.

A pentagram with exactly 7 candles with flames of different colors.

Check

A book that had been desecrated not once not once not twice but three times with animal feces

Check

144 deliciously hard-boiled eggs in a bag shaped like a raccoon

Check

The decapitated body of a unicorn

She looked over at what was Sweetie Bell

Check

The lexicon

As she scanned the sacred area she couldn’t see the lexicon so she left the basement and went upstairs.

“Spike” she shouted “Have you seen my…” before she could finish talking the green dragon popped up holding a black cube with red writing on it.

“ Twilight are you looking for this.”

She grabbed the lexicon out of his hands, ran back to the basement, turned the lexicon puzzle into the correct position, releasing the dark lord

“My name is Skittles McJurgensondauruinspanorg who hath released me from thy slumber.

"I did" replied twilight

Then the world ended

Berry punch looses her shit

She just lost her shit

Berry punch was a pony of simple tastes she liked booze.

That's basically it, she was a huge fan of alcohol but she never went full drunk. Just like you never go full gay or full retard you never go full drunk.

So it was a day like any other, berry was moving through the streets slowly and very uncoordinated, throwing up and shitting on whatever or whoever was near her. But as she got to her house there was a bottle on her doormat with a note she picked up the note and began to read.

Dear Ms.punch I am running out of ways to see ponies go wild if you drink the whole bottle you will be able to drink without the side effects ever again. And you will definitely not go full drunk.

from,The bottle bringer

Now Berry wasn't smart and couldn't figure out that she was going to go full drunk so she chugged.

When she was finished her mind was doing circles, she wanted to hurt someone then she saw pinkie.

"Hiya berry nice day isn't it."

Berry responded by punching pinkie so hard pinkies head exploded. Like just fucking blew up.

Berry went inside and made makeshift weapons she started throwing Molotov cocktails everywhere burning and destroying everything killing many ponies. Eventually Applebloom ran up to her and said. " why are you destroying our town."

Berry punch looked at her and with a straight face said." Because they drank my my mother fucking milkshake."

She then set Applebloom on fire and laughed an evil laugh.

In reality

Berry punched was sprawled out on the ground passed out, foaming at the mouth, and somehow still shitting herself.

As A mysterious pony  looked on he said. " That really didn't turn out the way thought it would."