It’s Hard Loving a Purple Pony

by benger

Rating: mature
Tags: Twilight Sparkle, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Other, Romance, Sex, Slice of Life, Human
Length: 4586

If I stay in my house, I can't see Twilight. If I can’t see Twilight, she can't talk to me. If she can't talk to me then she can't dump me. If she can't dump me then Twilight Sparkle will be my marefriend forever.

If I stay in my house, I can't see Twilight. If I can’t see Twilight, she can't talk to me. If she can't talk to me then she can't dump me. If she can't dump me then Twilight Sparkle will be my marefriend forever.

Now I am finding that while I might love Twilight, some aspects of our relationship are hard. Mostly the "I'm a human and shes a pony thing".

This is the story of the many problems we face, how we overcome them, and how they hopefully strengthen us for the future.

Published 2013-01-10 09:30:01 UTC
Last updated 2013-01-14 02:51:37 UTC

Calm

It's Hard Loving a Purple Pony

by Benger

Calm

The heat of a flame interrupted my dreamless sleep. Dropping from the green fireball, a scroll fell before me. It looked to be made of high quality parchment, rolled up and bound by a red ribbon tied in a bow. Against my better judgment, I pondered opening it until I recognized my marefriend’s perfume wafting from it.

It was promptly crumpled and stuffed under my mattress.

Or I would have if it let me. The scroll had other plans, wrestling from my grasp and levitating before me; it stretched and straightened the creases I had made moments before. As it unfurled I was bombarded by the fragrant smell of lilac and lavender, further strengthening my resolve not to read it. Instead I opted to stare at it absently, willing it to disappear while it hung before me, unwilling to leave until its job was properly completed. Our stalemate crept on for some minutes, eventually broken by the tips of the scroll curling in, as if it was attempting to furrow eyebrows in warning. Thinking of the scroll’s creator, I decided the punishment could be genuine, and reluctantly began reading.

I have a surprise for you. Please

come to the Library.

And I’m not angry, I know it

wasn’t you fault

I love you.

Your Marefriend,

Twilight Sparkle

I of course ignored her request, knowing I could never live down the embarrassment of what transpired three nights prior. The only thing she could do was break up with me. Turning over, I steeled my resolve, determined to return to my blissful slumber as if to say to the world “if she can’t speak to me, she can’t dump me.”

A second fireball proved my marefriend had other plans.

What are you doing? Don’t go

back to bed!

Come to the library at once.

This is the last time I ask nicely.

-Twilight

Thoroughly disturbed by my lack of privacy, I grudgingly rolled out of bed. Annoyance that my plan failed permeated my thoughts, but I was not all that surprised. In the back of my mind I always knew that staying in my house forever couldn't be a long term strategy to avoid Twilight. I guess now was as good a time as any to face life.

After a shower and a much needed change of clothing, I exited my front door for the first time since the “incident.” The light of a mid-morning spring day blinded me and as my eyes struggled to adjust, I could only imagine the scene that would unfold before me.

All of Ponyville would stop, shocked I dared to show my face. Then, after an unbearable moment of perfect silence, a single pony would let loose a snort, breaking the dam and letting loose a raucous tidal wave of laughter as all of Ponyville joined together to ridicule me in my failure as a man. At this point I would probably run back to my house, bolting the door behind me, never to be seen again. It wasn't the worst fate. Maybe I could lift the floorboards and grow potatoes. Then I would never leave and at least I wouldn't know I was the laughingstock of all of Ponyville.

I preemptively cringed as my vision un-blurred. Surprisingly, all that lay before me was Ponyville in its idyllic state, a normal mid-spring day. No uncomfortable silences shattered by the jeering of fillies and colts could be found. I didn't even draw any awkward glares, or at least no more than a six foot tall hairless ape normally do.

My fear was replaced with shock, only to be overtaken by wonder and confusion. I just couldn't understand how nopony could know. Gossip is practically Ponyville’s life-blood; probably the town's largest export after apples. A story like this would spread faster than a Parasprite infestation. Unless…

“Unless she didn't tell anypony.” I whispered to myself, letting the thought sink in. Letting my mind process the implications and my eyes widened with realization.

“Unless she didn't tell anypony!” I said louder, immediately bounding off towards the Library, attracting the attention I dreaded only moments before.

My running evolved into a sprint to see Twilight as I wound my way through Ponyville’s small streets. I grew more and more exited as the Library drew closer, until I rounded the last corner and its green leaves were in sight.

Something in my head clicked and I stopped dead in my tracks. It dawned on me; why didn't Twilight telling anypony? I had no clue what it meant. Maybe she was ashamed, embarrassed that she even dated me. For all I knew, I had disgraced Twilight, her family, and being the nobles they were, all of Equestria. Could it be that my surprise was the two Princesses, having decided that a disgrace such as me has no place in Equestria. Along with the courts, they might have tried me in absentee, and be here to carry out the final sentence: banishment from the universe. Where would they send me? What should I pack? What if I never see Twilight again? What if…

“Hi! How’ve you been?”

I was confused for a moment from the interruption. Apparently a small purple dragon broke my internal monologue. I took a deep breath, trying to reorient myself.

“I haven’t seen you around in a while” Spike continued. “You two are normally attached at the hip, but I guess I’m not surprised, Twilight’s been on another of her study binges.”

I knew those.

“Twilight said you were coming over, and wanted some alone time, so I’m off to play with the Crusaders. Anyhow, what have you been up to?”

I just stared at the dragon, half oblivious. I finally realized I was being asked a question.

“Oh you know, stuff” I replied dully.

“Ummm, ok.” the dragon said, seemingly put off by my response. “I guess I’ll see you later then”

I continued the last leg of my trek to the Library at a slower pace, no longer so sure of the outcome. Approaching the door, I knew the real reason I avoided her was shame. I could do so much, used my knowledge to build so many contraptions which helped thousands of ponies since I arrived, but couldn't do the simple job of pleasing my mare. And it wasn't even my fault. Other than the Princesses, the largest pony didn't even reach my neck, yet the stallions were where it counts, at least twice as big. All the stallions of Equestria are hung like a horse, and the mares are equally sized to fit.

I would like to say that I didn't know it until I attempted a home-run, but in the pit of my stomach I knew. I think I knew even before my first date with Twilight, it’s not hard to tell when nopony wears clothing. The fact is I never met anyone who was as perfect for me as she was, I didn't want anything to go wrong, and until three nights ago, it was perfect. I would change anything for her, so why is it that the one thing I can’t change, that is out of my control, is the one thing that needs to be different. I don’t think even Twilight biggest surprise can fix this.

Author's Note

This is the first thing I've written in a while, so criticism is appreciated. I plan for this story to have three parts, and just as a warning, their will be clop. I don't have a pre-reader because I know my previous ones IRL and would be too embarrassed to show this to them, so if any one wants the job, I am currently accepting applications.

Magic

It's Hard Loving a Purple Pony

by Benger

Magic

Twilight Sparkle fidgeted with a white lily placed cleverly in her mane, watching through the curtains as I conversed with her dragon assistant. I know this because while she has many talents, stealth is not one of them. I attempted to keep this knowledge to myself but I must have looked at her window one too many times as I approached, because she quickly retreated from view.

If I were to describe Twilight in a single word, I would choose the “unpredictable”. Not in the Pinkie Pie “I have no clue what the fuck that filly will do next” kind of unpredictable mind you, but more like the “I don’t know which Twilight I am talking to” kind of unpredictable.

What’s unique about Twilight is how profoundly her moods and swings affect who she is and what she does. It’s actually interesting to consider; while she is unquestionably one of the most intelligent ponies in Equestria, instead of leveraging her brain in her day to day life, she seems to relinquish control to her feelings and emotions. Often times this isn’t a bad thing; driven by her excitement and obsession over an idea or experiment she has accomplished feats beyond the capabilities of most, and through her intuition she sniffs out problems and solutions in ways only she could have imagined. But still, she can go too far, at times the results are disastrous.

Raising my fist to knock on her door, I wondered if this was going to be one of those. Thinking about how my day had progressed so far, I began believing this was the case. In the two years I had known her, I have never once seen her violate anypony’s privacy like she did mine today. Furthermore, she is normally a fairly self-conscious mare; those letters were out of character. And if there is one thing she does not like to do with her magic, it's show off, yet that's exactly what her tricks with the scroll were. My fight or flight instincts kicked in and I wondered if maybe I should get some help.

I lowered my hand in preparation of leaving, now sure that once again I could not handle Twilight. She must have noticed my retreat because following some hushed whispering, the Library door swung open.

To my surprise, Twilight was not the pony standing before me. Instead, an alabaster white unicorn with a purple mane beckoned me to come inside.

“Mr. Artemis, don’t leave so soon, Twilight has been expecting you.”

I responded with a puzzled frown.

“No need to look at me like that, I was just helping your marefriend a little in preparation for your arrival. Now come on in, you don’t want to keep her waiting!” she accentuated the last bit with a sing-song.

Following Rarity, I bent down to fit into the pony sized door. She led me over to the Library’s sitting area, motioning for me to take a seat on the large couch across from Twilight's.

“Twilight, I’m just going to get my errr…” Rarity’s eyes searched around the room as if the right words could be found on the wall “Going upstairs to grab my crystal, then I’ll be out of your hair”

She scurried up to Twilight’s bedroom so fast my marefriend was unable to respond.

I shifted my gaze over to Twilight. She was sitting with her legs tucked under her body which rested along the back of the couch. Apparently, Rarity had done more than “a little” to prepare her; managing to pull off a complete fashion coup. Gone was the slight nerdiness that Twilight seemed to radiate and instead she exuded a grace and beauty more characteristic of her friend Fluttershy.

As I approached I saw how Twlight’s coat was combed to a level of perfection that I doubt she could ever master, giving off a faint blue shimmer as the light played across it. Only once I sat down did I see the twin miniature braids, one made from each of Twilight’s natural highlights, falling to the right side of her horn, only to curve up and fasten underneath the white lily peeking out from behind her ear. The rest of her dark indigo bangs were brushed to the opposite side and given a slight curl to mimic her braids. Rarity had also applied some light makeup, accentuating Twilight’s violet eyes and furthering their mystical quality.

The greatest surprise was a red ribbon wrapped around the base of her tail, tied in a bow. The first date when she wore that bow ended in misunderstanding. She asked me if I wanted to come over to the Library once we finished eating. Not knowing the significance, I told her I was tired and wanted an early night. The next morning I woke to Applejack and Rainbow knocking at my door, livid at how I lead Twilight on for a little more than eight months. Only after calming them down and narrowly avoiding a beating did I discover Twilight had run to them in tears the night before. They explained it was tradition for unicorn mares to wear the bow and it was passed from mother to daughter down the generations. Twilight had asked her mother for it only when she felt ready to use it and it is considered shameful, even tantamount to rape by some, to have intercourse without it. By not going home with her, I had unintentionally dumped Twilight in the worst way. For a month I pleaded with her to take me back and it wasn’t for another two that Twilight wore the bow again. That was three nights ago, but now we are sitting here, our third try. The good news was that it was now clear she had no intention of breaking up with me.

“You know, when a couple gets together, especially when the bow is tied, they generally don’t just sit there, staring at each other like a pair of statues” Rarity joked as she walked down the stairs. "I remember my first time, Blueblood could barely contain himself during the dinner." When she reached the bottom I noticed she was using her body to conceal something she was carrying with her magic. "It was magical." She sighed.

She opened the front door to the library and flipped the sign to say closed. “I’m off. Now you two, make sure to have some fun. And don’t get too naughty” Rarity said with a smirk and a wink, followed by one of her patented polite giggles as she left the library.

She popped her head back in. “And don’t worry about making too much noise, I’ll sound proof the Library for you.” Outside I could see a shimmering dome envelop the Tree. With her gone and the shield in place a thick silence overcame the Library.

When I looked back at Twilight she attempted a smile, but only managed to reveal how nervous she really was. I attempted returning the smile but fared no better. Instead I began drumming the couch’s arm rest with my fingers as her eyes began wandering around the room until she found a certain spot on the blank wall incredibly interesting.

It appeared that Twilight had caught some disease, reverting back to a school-filly, unable to talk to her crush. This sickness turned out to be incredibly contagious and I soon found myself stricken with a serious case as well. The silence continued and I could feel our anxiety building. Neither of us knew what to say, how to approach the elephant in the room. To use a cliché, the tension was so thick you could cut it with a butter knife.

This lasted for some time, but like a spring or rubber band, once the tension is released, it jumps back, exploding out all at once. In this case the tension wasn’t released by a knife or a rat trying to get some cheese. Instead it was broken by something only somepony still in gradeschool would find funny. By a fart.

Pftpftpftpftpftpftpftpftpftpftpftpft

Being the gentleman that I am, I tried to stifle my laughter, while Twilight’s face expressed her horror at her release of such noxious fumes at such an inopportune time.

Between Twilight's face and the absurdity of it all, I just couldn’t hold it in any longer. My body slammed into the floor, having fallen off the seat in laughter.

Seconds afterwards I heard high pitched laughter and an audible thud as Twilight followed suit.

We both struggled to breathe through our raucous noise making.

“What was that?” I tried to say between fits of laughter.

“I have no idea” She replied, equally pained

“My sides hurt” I coughed.

“Mine do too”

Eventually our laughter died down and I rolled over; positioning my face so it was aligned with hers, our bodies splayed in opposite directions. Her mane was a mess, her coat matted, her makeup ruined, and her white lily destroyed. Twilight’s laughter devolved into small fits of adorably high pitched hiccups.

In the short span of a few minutes, she mostly reverted to her normal look, and honestly, I thought she looked better that way.

I closed the gap between our lips and kissed her.

“You know I missed you”

She repeated the gesture

“You know I missed you too”

~~~~~~~~~

A short while later we found ourselves on a couch together. Her head was resting on a pillow as my massage reached her tail and transformed into a brushing.

“Be sure you don’t damage the ribbon” Twilight said, breaking our comfortable silence. “You know, that was Celestia’s at one point”

“Yes I know. Who else has a great great great great great great great great great great –“

“I still can’t believe you called her an old fart when she told you” Twilight interrupted

“Well, who else has a great times one thousand grandfilly?” I asked

“It’s great times one hundred and sixteen grandfilly“ Twilight said with a twinge of annoyance in her voice.

“Whatever” I responded “It was only a joke”

Twilight's mood fouled every time the subject was brought up. “Just be careful with the bow, its special.”

I continued brushing.

"Should I take it out?” I asked.

“No” Twilight replied, shaking her head. “You’re supposed to leave it on until we do, well, you know…” She paused to think. “It’s kind of like a reminder of things to come. To build up the excitement.”

I grimaced. “That’s why I want it gone” I mumbled.

“What?”

“Nothing”

“You know” Twilight said “Blueblood told Rarity it kind of made him feel like a young colt, opening his hearths warming eve presents”

I scoffed. “Blueblood, now that’s somepony we don’t see enough. Always gives me the best wines when he’s in town.” I paused to reminisce. “It’s still hard to believe we only discovered his coltnapping because his impostor dropped dead from love starvation”

Twilight giggled “And how Rarity actually went through a fillyfooling phase because of what happened at the gala”

“I thought she told us” I straightened my back, preparing my best Rarity impersonation “to never speak of this again”

We both slipped back into laughter, but were cut short by our aching sides.

A peaceful quiet filled the Library once more. Twilight closed her eyes content with my brushing.

She yawned. “Anyways, you can’t unwrap you present until I give you your surprise”

I scrunched my face. “I thought the present was the surprise” I stated

“Nope” She responded.

“Then what’s the surprise?”

“I can’t tell you. If I do it won’t be a surprise”

Twilight stuck out her tongue.

“So when will I get the surprise?”

“Soon”

“How soon?”

“Soon soon”

“How soon is soon soon?”

“Very soon”

I gave her a deadpan look

“Let’s see, soon soon is…” She looked at her hoof as if she had a watch on, exaggeratedly tapping to count off the seconds. “It’s about right....... now.” She said flashing me a beaming smile.

I was not amused.

“So?” I asked in annoyance

She hopped off my lap levitating something over from the top of a nearby bookshelf.

“Put this bandana over your eyes”

“Why?”

“So I can give you your surprise”

“Can’t you just give me the surprise?”

“No. Then it wouldn’t be a surprise”

She was going to continue being difficult.

“Fine” I relented, fastening the blindfold around my eyes

“Is it secure?”

“Yes”

“Good”

I felt the tingle of her magic as she tightened it.

She took a deep breath. “Now, strip”

“Wha-“ I yelped

Before I could properly process what was happening, I felt tingling of her magic across my body as she tried to remove my clothing. I quickly shot my arms down, attempting to hold my shirt and jeans in place.

“What are you doing!?” I shouted.

“Taking off your clothes” she said, as if it were the most normal thing in the world. “I can’t give you your surprise if you are wearing clothes.”

At this point she began laughing manically; like, complete evil bond villain laugh, with the BWAs and the HA HAs and everything. Of course, if you ask her Twilight will tell you she was just giggling, but believe me, that’s not true.

Twilight eventually tired of fighting.

"I need to save my strength for the spell." She said before exploding my clothing literally off my body, ripping everything at the seams.

“Rarity’s going to kill me for that.” I scolded

“eh, not my problem” Twilight responded, enjoying this immensely.

I tried to cover myself up, but Twilight told me to move my arms.

“I can’t do this if you don’t move them.” She explained “I spent the last three days making this spell, but it needs you to be still and to not obstruct it.”

I began to get worried, what in Equestria was Twilight doing?

“Stop making so much noise" she complained ”Your are going to kill my concentration."

I opened my mouth to respond, but before I could she magically glued my lips together.

“There, now let me do this in peace.”

I could hear the annoyance in her voice, and decided I shouldn’t disturb her. Anyway, what could I do? I was blinded, gagged, and naked in the middle of Ponyville’s library, being held hostage by one of Equestria’s most powerful unicorns. Escape was impossible. "And anyway, shes my marefriend" I told myself. "I should be able to trust her."

My skin tingled as charge began to build up in the air. The smell of ozone began to permeate the Library and I could feel the air began to swirl around Twilight. I wondered what spell she was casting, or if she had ever cast it before. Fear began to fill the pit of my stomach as I began questioning if submission was such a good Idea.

Instantly, the majority of the charge dissipated and I felt a searing pain in my groin. I attempted to yell, only to find myself incapable. Twilight was burning my genitals off. “So she does want me gone” I thought. “This whole thing must have been an act.” Twilight, Rarity, maybe even Spike was in on it, all one big act. I concluded that Celestia must have decided me unfit to remain in Equestria, to banish me from the Universe, just as I suspected. But then, Twilight decided that wasn’t enough. She wanted to punish me for insulting her. For humiliating her. She decided to make me pay. She was going to make sure that I was no longer a man.

But the pain stopped as quickly as it began, replaced with pleasant warmth and a dull ache, similar to the feeling of an overworked muscle, spread throughout my lower body. I was too terrified to look at the damage. “It must all be gone” I thought “My body probably isn’t receiving any signals, and without that, my brain is unable to cope with the loss.”

“All done” Twilight panted. “That is one of the most difficult spells I've cast, but It looks perfect. Want to see the change?" Her voice grew softer as she progressed.

It took her a second of waiting for a response before she remember I was a temporary mute. She quickly unglued my mouth and removed the blindfold.

I took a deep breath, preparing myself for the worst. After making my peace, I opened my eyes, looking down to survey the damage. To my shock, there were no burns, in fact I suffered no damage at all; the results were closer to the exact opposite.

“You used to be about seven inches erect, normal by human standards” Twilight squeaked while blushing furiously. Even her lecture mode wouldn't save her now. “Now, you are about fifteen and a half, with an appropriate increase in all dimensions.” Twilight’s blush intensified to the point that she could have rivaled Big Mac. “I actually made you a little bigger than most stallions.” It was almost impossible to make out the last part as she buried her head in her hooves. One thing was certain, I undoubtedly rivaled Big Mac.

~~~~~~~~~

Twilight spent the next half hour get over her embarrassment. Afterwards, she insisted on running a series of tests to make sure the spell worked as planned. Me and my new manhood passed them all with flying colors, but I did learn from the treadmill that I would need to strap it down. She wanted to take me to a medical professional as well, but I decided I didn’t need Nurse Redheart fondling me. By the late afternoon Twilight declared me fit. We just had one test left.

By this point, my fear of “unwrapping my present” had changed into excitement. We made out way to her bedroom. Twilight once again stripped off my clothing, but this time she used her teeth and hooves, and I was significantly more corporative.

After she was done unwrapping me, I turned to her tail and delectably unwrapped her, placing the ribbon in its box on her nightstand.

“So what do we do?” Twilight asked, poking it with her hoof like a lab specimen.

I opened my mouth to respond, but before I could Twilight decided on her own. She grabbed the shaft in her magic and popped the head into her mouth.

"Its kinda salty" she tried to say, but I couldn't understand anything.

Rubbing her hooves up and down the shaft, her tongue began making circles around the head because she couldn’t fit much more than the tip into her mouth. I began to harden.

The feeling was extraordinary; it had never felt this good with girls on Earth. It was so great I was getting dizzy.

“Keep going” I moaned.

Twilight fired her magic up, using it to help her hooves further stimulate me. It felt like she was touching me in a thousand different places at once.

The feelings were immense and the edges of my vision began to fade. I barely managed to see as I reached my full length for the first time.

She popped me out of her mouth, I was finally ready.

And I promptly fainted.

Author's Note

Sorry for the Clop-Block, but that's how the story goes. It will be worth it and trust me, there will be plenty of time for that later. I would know. I'm the author.

I hope you enjoyed, this chapter, it was a lot of fun to write.

I would like to thank my Pre-Readers.

I think I will expand this story. It will probably end up being longer than the three chapters I originally planned. I'll see.