Chapter one: Of cups and councils.
Or: Why archaeologists should never, ever, be allowed to have dinner.
In the heat of the Saddle Arabian desert east of Canterlot, Professor Relic and his crew of ten stallions dug into the sands, searching for anything ancient and valuable. The amateur archaeologist was not held in particularly high regard by the members of the Equestrian Archaeological Society, due to his lack of experience. But soon, Equestria would see his greatness, and he would-
His thoughts were interrupted by the cluck of his shovel on something hard and sturdy. As he looked down, he noticed that it appeared to be the tip of a large pyramid, similar to the ones in Neighgypt. He called his men over, and with a couple hours work, the full monument was unveiled. It was perfectly pyramidular, about fifty feet tall at the tip, with a doorway just large enough for the professor and his crew to enter.
All around them stood sandstone pillars, five feet tall, carved with strange images. There were creatures carved poorly into the stone, creatures that did not resemble ponies. The figures were depicted in all sorts of scenes. In one, the images depicted two factions of bipedal creatures engaged in combat, one holding what appeared to be mugs and canoe paddles, the others with filthy, tangled hair atop their heads and wavy lines floating up from them. Another showed a tall tower with a floating prism in the sky, an eye onlooking that, and strange text: Ø˙ µ¥ ©ø∂≤ †˙ø¨©˙ ˙å߆ ßπøˆ¬´∂ ˆ†.
The most peculiar thing about the pyramid, though, was how empty it was, containing, aside from the pillars, only a single, golden cup, similar to a martini glass, perched, bizarrely, on a dais which appeared to be resting on another dais atop yet another dais.
The air was still, the pyramid silent, as the Professor approached the tower of daises. he wiped his brow, knowing full well that as soon as he took it some ancient trap would activate. He finally mustered his nerves, and took the cup...
When suddenly, absolutely nothing happened.
The Professor and his assistants exited the pyramid, leaving behind the mysterious relic of a time long past.
Meanwhile, halfway across spacetime...
You're fighting a four-shadowed mime
When The Humorless Ones are preparing for invasion, they don't send in the clowns -- clowns make noise. For reconnaissance work, they turn to the inhabitants of the Silent Zones. The mimes.
As you approach hesitantly, the figure straightens from an insect-like crouch into an approximation of human posture. Even the light seems to hesitate to be near it -- the rail-thin creature casts four long black shadows that writhe and twist like smoke.
Its cold, emotionless eyes lock onto yours, and you are chilled by the sudden suspicion that its chalk-white face is not greasepaint, but rather it's the facial features -- the nose, the staring eyes, the black lips -- that are false, painted onto a head as smooth and white as a hard-boiled egg.
If you survive, you hope to eventually stop shuddering.
You get the jump on it.
You haul off and clobber your foe for 439 damage.
You win the fight!
You acquire an item: Strange gold cup
You gain 21 Beefiness.
You gain 10 Mysteriousness.
You gain 14 Smarm.
Back in Equestria...
"Well I don't see why WE have to come!", exclaimed the rainbow-maned pegasus, flying beside Twilight Sparkle in the headquarters of the Equestrian Archaeological society.
"Rainbow, I already told you. Princess Celestia is sick, and her sister needs to keep track of the sun and moon for her. SOMEONE of importance has to attend the banquet on her behalf, and she chose us."
"Why does she even need to go to this crummy thing?", Rainbow asked. "It's not like SHE's an archeologist."
"Yes, Rainbow, but someone needs to make them feel important. So just shut up, and look interested."
*******************************
The banquet was, overall, tremendously dull. It had been just under three hours of dusty old unicorns talking about broken pottery and fossilized food, and how little impact it would have on modern society. It was most certainly nothing like literature had depicted archaeology, and the blue pegasus got the slightest hint she had been lied to by the author.
The good news was, it was ending. There was only one, younger, particularly less dusty unicorn left to speak, and then it would be over. He walked up to the stage, cleared his throat, and began.
"Fellow archaeologists!", he exclaimed, practically beaming. "I have come to you today not with a mere dead goat discovered, or some windbeaten outhouse uncovered in the polar north. No, I have come to you with a vast monument, from an ancient race, and a sacred relic. Behold!"
A green earth pony trotted out, pushing a tray covered with a sheet. The unicorn archaeologist removed the cover, and there it was: Some kind of golden martini glass.
"This chalice was discovered by me and my crew of ten stalwart stallions three hundred miles east of here! As you can see-"
He was suddenly cut off. The cup had begun to rattle, and now it glowed, in an otherworldly manner, a dark blue, all the while wobbling more frequently. There was a flash of green light and a horrendous, monochrome tentacle emerged from a swirling portal within the glass, grabbing hold of the six mares seated at the head of one of the numerous tables. There was a sudden ghastly noise, and all at once, the room quieted down, the cup ceased glowing and shaking, and the elements of harmony vanished.
"Oh dear," muttered the amateur professor who had been so eager to show his discovery. "I don't think that was supposed to happen."
****************************
Twilight Sparkle was the first to awake. She looked around, taking in her unfamiliar surroundings. As far as she could see, everything was monochrome, black and white, forever. The landscape was barren, with only a few notable features. A hill lied to the northwest, a sign posted in front of it. To the southwest, there was a large hole in the ground, with a ladder leading into it. And approximately right where she was standing, there was a small burnt patch on the ground.
The others began to awaken, one by one. Applejack yawned, looked around, and asked, "Where... where are we?"
"I don't know," Twilight answered. "I don't remember reading about anything like this."
Suddenly, in the distance, they heard footsteps, distinctly nonequine ones. They turned, and coming from the far northwest, there was a man, clad in the most peculiar outfit they had ever seen. On his back was a flaming cloak, fire swirling about it. He wore a filthy, patched-together overcoat, a pair of filthy, slimy greaves, an admiral's hat, and a belt of frayed rope. He smoked a corncob pipe, and in his pocket they could see the top of a carrot. In one hand he clutched a large key; in the other, a filthy, beat-up book, the name "Almanac" crudely penciled on the front. Following behind him floated a stone eyeball, three equally stone eyestalks extending from it.
"Finally, you're awake," the strange warrior muttered. "The Council wishes to see you."
******************************
They had been escorted to a town by the sea by this strange man, a sign outside the border marking it as "Seaside Town". In the center of town stood a tall building, like an ancient Greek temple, with an inscription on the front: "Council of Loathing headquarters".
They walked in, and in the center of a large chamber, a crescent-shaped podium stood, five men seated behind it. "Welcome, adventurers," they said in unison. "Please, have a seat."
The elements of harmony sat in comfortable armchairs, and the council continued.
"We understand that you are... not native, to these lands. Your arrival was unexpected, to say the least, and we believe dark forces are at work. We might be able to assist you, on one condition: You aid the kingdom's war effort."
"You see, until recent times, the Kingdom of Loathing was a relatively peaceful place. King ralph reigned, and we all got along reasonably well. But then, a naughty sorceress came to the lands, and brought havoc. She kidnapped the King, and every able-bodied person has been conscripted as an adventurer. We think, don't quote us on this, that if we defeat her, you can return to your home. What do you say?"
Twilight Sparkle shook her head. "You're asking us, after less then a day here, in an unfamiliar land, to join in on your war effort?"
Suddenly, Rainbow Dash piped up. "Do we even have a choice?"
The council turned to discuss it among themselves, murmuring to each other. At last, they reached a decision. "Not really, no."
Twilight sighed. "Fine," she said, "Let's get this over with."
"Excellent," the council replied. "Now, given those horns on your head, you two must be good at magic, correct?"
"Yes, I suppose so," said Rarity.
"Well then, you two may join the legion of chef-magi. One of you will have to be a pastamancer, the other a sauceror. We wish we could have more then one of each, but unfortunately, the equipment for one of each kind was all the guilds were willing to lend us."
"Pasta?", Rarity asked.
"Yes," said the council. "Pasta."
"As good a material for an outfit as any."
"Alright then, so that leaves you four. Your options are Seal Clubber, Turtle Tamer, Accordion Thief, and Disco Bandit."
"Clubbing seals sounds cool," answered Rainbow Dash.
"Well, I don't want any turtles to get hurt," whispered Fluttershy.
"Excellent. That leaves you two 'ordinary' ponies. I trust neither of you wish to be a disco bandit?"
Both shook their heads.
"Well then, we'll settle this the old-fashioned way. Tic-tac-toe."
After a quick match, Pinkie won handily, having had approximately thirty-nine games straight of practice. Pinkie took her accordion in hand, Applejack her disco ball.
To be continued...
Author's Note
Alright. Hello Fimfiction! I feel reasonable about this first effort, except the whole council scene. Characters are hard, man! Anyway. Constructive criticism would be helpful.
Also, Kingdom of Loathing is a great game and you should go play it.
