The Doctor Gets Wasted V2
A Most Excellent Adventure V2
"Hmmmm...."
A single, saddened sigh was all that could be heard from the control room of the TARDIS. The Doctor himself stood by a flickering hologram with a solemn, nostalgic look upon him.
"Next image, if you please..." he said mournfully.
"Complying," groaned the monotone voice of the time ship's computer.
Within a second, another hologram replaced the old one, this of a beautiful, blonde-maned mare with a single rose for a Cutie-Mark.
"Rose..." the Doctor whispered, gulping slightly after. "Rose Rose Rose..." he repeated, shaking his head. "Yes, I still think about you. A Time Lord's memory is quite sharp, you see... " The Doctor took a deep breath. "I never forget any of you..." He stood still for a moment, before ordering, "Next image, please..."
"Complying."
There stood another pony, this one a stallion wearing an old, wool flight jacket.
"Been a while, Captain Black..." the Doctor sighed. "I should probably stop in for a visit from time to time... and yes, I'm proud of you, too. Despite who you're working for." He chuckled slightly. "Everypony lived... just for once... thanks to you." He then gave another angst-filled gulp. "N-Next image..."
"Complying."
Another holographic pony stood in his place, a strikingly beautiful mare with a fiery red mane.
"Shimmerpond..." the Doctor chuckled. "Sometimes, there's things I wish I could forget about, for my own sake really. Remember what I told you? I'm a very selfish pony... always have been... always will be... and now... it's my fault... it's my fault you're gone. It's my fault all of you are so unhapp-"
"Doctor?" a voice perked from behind him.
The Doctor stood still, not bothering to turn to face the origin of it.
"Who are you talking to?" it asked curiously.
"Nopony, Derpy... nopony," he said solemnly. "Computer, end program."
"Disabling hologram."
"You were looking at those holograms again, weren't you?" Derpy said, walking up beside him and throwing him a sympathetic glance. The main doors were open behind her. "You shouldn't be torturing yourself like that! You don't deserve it!"
He gave a shrug. "Every day's a new day... sometimes I feel I deserve it, sometimes I don't," he muttered, before throwing her a forced, perky smile. "But anyway, shouldn't you be out enjoying the New Year? You know - fireworks, pies, um - "
Derpy gave a grunt. "I would be... but a certain time travelling grouch seems to think he's not worth celebrating the very thing that wouldn't even be happening without him! Unless the Dalek Golems or Cyberponies have New Years celebrations, of course." She then giggled. "It'd be kind of funny seeing a Dalek get drunk, to be honest."
"Thus implying that the lot of them aren't already drunk," the Doctor chuckled, before his sorrow returned. "It's just a turn of a calendar date, Derpy.... nothing more. Something created by ponies to bring linearity and order to their existence... linearity never suited me."
"Oh don't go acting like some hipster, New Years Skrooge," Derpy said, rolling her eyes. "You're better than that, and you know it!"
"Mph - don't you talk down to me, missy: I've been celebrating the New Year before it was cool! Before there even were New 'Years', as a matter of fact!" the Doctor said, sticking his tongue out before turning away from her. He closed his eyes. "I appreciate the effort Derpy, but pep talks never really work on me...."
"Pleeeeeease, Doctor," Derpy pleaded, giving him her patented, googly puppy-dog eyes. "Come on, seriously!"
The Doctor sighed, still glancing away from her. "Derpy... please... just let me be in here with my memories."
"Your memories are what's making you miserable!" Derpy said.
"Well, maybe I want to be miserable!" the Doctor argued. "I'm over eight hundred years old! I deserve the right to be a grumpy old stick in the mud! I should be yelling at colts to get off my lawn at this point - well, if I had a lawn, but you get the picture."
Derpy rolled her eyes. "So let me get this straight, then, you're just going to sit in here the whole evening and look at holograms? Is that right?" she said, stamping an angry hoof. "Gee - I wonder what's causing your depression?!"
"Yes, Derpy, I'm just going to sit here the whole evening and look at holograms, and then possibly listen to Prince Blueblood rant about the state of the country on the radio for a laugh..." the Doctor groaned in an annoyed tone. "Finally, I'll be taking my New Years vow: to never visit a place that has a New Years celebration!"
At that, Derpy narrowed her eyes.
"You can't be serious!" she grunted. "That's it - IT'S INTERVENTION TIME!"
The Doctor's eyes widened. "Derpy! What are you-"
She began dragging the Doctor towards the door by his tie, giggling slightly.
"Ugh! What?! Seriously!?" the Doctor moaned. "Derpy Hooves! Please! I don't feel like going out there! All those loud, drunken ponies and fireworks - nonono, not in the mood!"
"Too bad! We're getting you out of this stupid ole TARDIS so you can get some fresh air and have some fun!"
"B-But there's going to be dancing!" the Doctor cried, struggling to get out the grip she had on his tie. "You know very well I can't dance! Is making an ass out of myself supposed to be fun?!"
"Since when have you ever cared what people think of you?" Derpy chuckled. "You can dance if you want to, just never leave your friends behind!" She then smirked slightly. "Plus, it'd be funny for me!"
"Oh yes - let's all laugh at the dancing Doctor!" he grumbled.
"I'm only kidding! Plus, you love making people laugh! You're like a slightly less weird version of Pinkie Pie in a way!"
The Doctor raised an eyebrow, smiling slightly. "Well - I suppose that's true to a small extent, though I'm bound by the laws of physics. I never did get around to figuring out if she was some sort of non-corporeal entity... her abilities are like a cartoon character's!"
"Sill Doctor, cartoons are for kids!"
"And the Master, of course," the Doctor chuckled, still smiling, before putting on a mischievous smirk. "You know what? I'm actually starting to feel a little better... if you could just let go of my tie..."
Derpy returned his smile, letting go of his tie. "Does this mean you're going to-"
The Doctor took off into a gallop towards the door to the TARDIS' interior, grinning.
"DOCTOR!" Derpy roared. "Oh you- I can't believe you! COMPUTER! SEAL ALL DOORS TO THE CONTROL ROOM! CODE MUFFIN-TANGO-ALPHA!"
"Compyling, muffin overlord."
The doors to the control room sealed shut.
"Ugh, what?! Have you been messing with the computer?!" the Doctor gasped.
"Maybe," Derpy smirked.
"Oh, I can't believe this- computer! Override door controls! Code timey-wimey-tango-beta!"
"Negative, cannot comply without muffin overlord password gamma-six."
The Doctor's mouth parted as his eye began to twitch.
"RaaauuUUGHHHHH - DERPY!"
"Hah, now there is no escape!" she grinned wickedly, stepping towards the Doctor. "You will be assimilated into this night's fun! Resistance is futile!"
"Haw haw haw," The Doctor rolled his eyes, before he gasped slightly. "Hmmm, wait: new theory. Pinkie is part of some sort of sentient... fun-loving... hive-mind thing. She's trying to assimilate us into it!"
Derpy gave a slight, evil chuckle. "Maybe she is, and speaking of Pinkie: I think I know how to get you in a better mood!"
"What? Suicide? That sounds good," the Doctor grinned. "Wait no... I'd just regenerate. Mph, I can't believe I'm saying this, but if only Riversong was around..."
"Very funny," Derpy said, glaring. "No, it's something better than that! Something Pinkie can easily provide!"
"I'm not getting a bloody option in this, am I?" the Doctor said, giving a hefty sigh. "Fine, fine... I suppose resistance is futile: let's go commence with the fun then, shall we?"
"You won't regret this," Derpy chirped, leading the way to the TARDIS' entrance. "Getting you out of the TARDIS and away from your memories is going to put you in a better mood, I guarantee it!"
The Doctor shook an incredulous head as he stepped into the cool night air. "I think there's more of a chance of me getting a holiday card from Davhorse."
☼☼☼
Music blasted through Ponyville as Derpy, smiling, led a still disgruntled Doctor towards the center of town. His sight was filled with dancing and laughing ponies, all wearing goofy New Years getup.
"HAPPY HAPPY NEW YEARS!" Pinkie cheered, bouncing into the scene and holding two party hats in her hooves. "Want a party hat?!"
"Er... thanks and no thanks, Pinkie," the Doctor sulked. "My head is fine being va-"
"Oooooh no you don't," Pinkie beamed, with what best could be described as 'happy anime eyes.' "Nopony is complete on New Years without a party hat!"
"Then why even bother asking if I wanted one?!" he said.
Pinkie shrugged. "To give you the illusion of free will."
Lightning quick, she strapped it onto the Doctor's head.
"Uggggggh," the Doctor groaned, narrowing his eyes. "Why did I agree to do this, again?"
"Because we're about to do something you've never done before," Derpy smirked. "Something you've always felt wasn't fit for a Time Lord."
"Pin the tail on the pony?" Pinkie said, quirking her head.
"Staying dead?" the Doctor suggested.
"Nope!" Derpy chirped. "For this, I'm going to need access to your stash, Pinkie!"
Pinkie raised an eyebrow, beaming as she whipped out a fake mustache. "By that you mean my... mustache?!"
The Doctor blinked. "...Wat?"
Derpy gave her a blank look. "You know what I'm talking about. Pleeeeease Pinkie, the Doctor's really depressed!"
"I am not depressed!" the Doctor argued. "I'm just sulking... there's a big difference!"
"Uh huh..."
"Ooooooooh, wait a minute, you mean my... special stash, don't you?" Pinkie grinned, before gesturing towards Sugarcube Corner. "I think I can help you out with that. Nothing like a depressant to kill depression, I always say." She then lowered an eyebrow. "That makes sense, right? Oh well! But yeah - I couldn't let anyone have a sad New Year! That'd just be wrong!"
"Please, Pinkie, just for once... make an exception," the Doctor groaned.
"Nope!" Pinkie beamed. "It's time to turn to that frowny upside-downy! We're gonna take those sorrows and make them drowny!"
"Wait... what?" the Doctor said, raising an eyebrow. "Did you just say 'drowny?!'"
"Awesome, Pinkie! Thank you so much! Come on, Doctor, your evening is about to get better!" Derpy smirked, leading the way.
He let out an exasperated moan. "Oh good god... I hope this isn't going where I think it's going..."
☼☼☼
"I can't believe this is where I thought it was going..." the Doctor grunted, staring at a bottle of Sweet Apple Acres' twenty-proof Butterbeer Pinkie was shoving in his face, grinning. There they sat, in the basement of Sugarcube Corner on a small, chill couch. "Derpy... no... just no..."
"Oh come on, Doctor! It's One-AM on New Years day! If there's any time to put away your grumpy Doctorness, it's now!" Pinkie chirped. "Everypony gets a little buzzed on New Years!"
"Technically, I'm not a pony," the Doctor huffed, glancing away from Pinkie. "Therefore, this rule doesn't apply to-"
Derpy and Pinkie gave him a blank look.
"Just one beer, Doctor. And that'll help you enjoy the evening more! You don't need to get totally wasted," Derpy smiled.
The Doctor shook his head, furrowing his brow. "Derpy, I'm the Doctor for god sake! Me getting even buzzed is a very bad idea! What if an emergency comes up?! What if the Daleks try to come and kill me, thinking that I'm doing this right now: or even worse, they don't try to come and kill me!"
"Then it'd be an even fight," Derpy suggested. "Besides, I'll be keeping an eye on you, anyway."
"But you're getting drunk too!" the Doctor argued.
"True..." Derpy then squinted in thought for a second, glancing at Pinkie. "Well, she's not getting drunk. She has the tolerance of Princess Luna!"
Pinkie gave a terrific belch, throwing down her fifth butterbeer, though still looking quite sober.
"Er, Derpy, I'm not sure Pinkie is the best pony to be playing timelord-sitter," the Doctor whispered to her.
"Oh come on, she can be serious if she wants to be," Derpy whispered back.
"Oh my gosh! They call it butterbeer, but it doesn't taste like beer!" Pinkie grinned. "Hehehe - isn't that awesome?!"
Derpy sweat-dropped. "If she... really wants to be."
"Hey, what are you two whispering about?!" Pinkie said suspiciously.
Derpy and the Doctor's eyes widened. They looked at each other.
"Oh um..."
"Er..."
The Doctor raised a hoof. "Time secrets!"
"Yes! We were... talking about the workings... of flux capacitors!" Derpy nodded. "They call them flux capacitors... but I never see them... flux..."
"Yes, except at eighty-eight miles an hour, which we both agreed on," the Doctor nodded.
"Indubitably, Doctor."
Pinkie lowered two suspicious eyebrows. "Okie-dokie-lokie." She then returned to her drinking.
"Wait- what's a flux capacitor again?" Derpy asked.
"Oh, something I just made up," the Doctor smiled innocently. "Now, back to the future, shall we-"
Pinkie then waved another beer in front of the Doctor's face. "IT'S TIME, DOCTOR!" Pinkie grinned maniacally. "IT IS TIME. TO GET. WASTED!"
The Doctor groaned yet again. "Pinkie. I don't care what you say! I am not drinking any beer!"
There was a pause, as Derpy slowly turned towards Pinkie.
"That's it - Pinkie, get the funnel."
"You got it!" she said, bouncing towards a particular section of the basement.
The Doctor's eyes widened in horror as he quickly sat up and began scurrying towards a door of the basement. "You've got to be bloody kidding me!"
"Oh no you don't!" Pinkie growled. "Computer, seal all doors to the basement! Code party-alpha-beta!"
"Complying, party overlord."
"NO!" the Doctor cried, as a metal bulkhead slammed down in front of him. "And what the bloody Hell, Pinkie?! How did you - what in the -" He then sighed, slumping down on his rump. "You know what? I don't even care anymore."
"She's Pinkie Pie. Don't argue," Derpy smirked.
"Probably an Eldrich Abomination in pony form..." he muttered "Though a friendly one, I suppose..."
"Just sit tight, Doctor," Pinkie grinned wickedly, holding up a funnel and a bottle of beer. "This won't hurt a bit. Hold him down, Derpy."
"Yes, ma'm!"
The Doctor's jaw nearly dropped. "OR MAYBE NOT SO FRIENDLY! I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'RE ABOUT TO DO THIS!"
☼☼☼
Five minutes later...
"I can't believe you just did that..." the Doctor groaned. He had two empty beer bottles sitting near him. "I cannot. Believe. You just did that... I knew you ponies were nuts, but this... this is ridiculous..."
"Give it a second, Doctor, it'll kick in very soon," Derpy chirped.
"Yep! Soon you'll be in a world of pure imagination!"
"Ugh, that's your job, Pinkie," the Doctor moaned. "Though replace 'pure imagination' with 'acid trip.'"
"Oh that's just silly, silly," Pinkie giggled. "Acids don't take trips!"
"Oh be nice, Doctor," Derpy grumbled, folding her arms. "This is for your own good."
"Be nice?! You just FORCE-FED ME ALCOHOL!"
"No need to thank us!" Pinkie chirped.
"Ugh! If I wasn't already drinking, you ponies would drive me to do just that!" the Doctor shouted, glaring at the two of them. "I didn't want to do any of this! I'm not feeling better! I just want to go back to the TARDIS and-"
He paused, a curious look suddenly overtaking him.
"And..." Derpy and Pinkie smirked.
"Hmph," the Doctor said, quirking his head as a smile slowly overtook him. "My... that is an interesting feeling."
"It's working! It's working!" Pinkie bounced, giggling.
"His two hearts are growing two sizes," Derpy smiled warmly. "How are you feeling, Doctor?"
"I feel... so tingly inside," the Doctor said, his smile widening. "Oh my... it feels kind of good!"
"That's butterbeer for ya! So much better than vodka and hard liquor and never gives ya a tummy ache," Pinkie chirped.
"You know what?" the Doctor grinned, gesturing towards another case of butterbeer. "Can I get another one of those?!"
"Does Princess Celestia like sweets?!" Pinkie grinned back. "Of course! Drink up!"
"Well then, ALLONZ-Y!" the Doctor beamed, gripping another beer and snapping off the cap. Before drinking, however, he threw the two a serious look. "Whatever happens, though, we are not going back to the TARDIS, alright? I don't want to be the drunken arsehole who causes a space-time-continuum rupture. Nopony wants to be that guy."
"Righto!" Pinkie said with a hint of a smirk.
"You got it, Doctor! We'll stay out of the TARDIS!"
...
A beat.
"Do you swear?" the asked said sternly.
"Of course! No time travelling shenanigans for us!" Derpy smiled.
"You have my Pinkie Promise," Pinkie nodded.
The Doctor smiled. "Righto! Well then, let's have ourselves one heck of a New Year!" he proclaimed. "But seriously, no time travelling, alright?"
"Right!"
☼☼☼
One Hour Later
Music blared from a massive speaker...
"
Shots, shots, shots-shots-shots,
Shots, shots, shots-shots-shots,
Shots, shots, shots-shots-shots,
Shots, shots, shots-shots-shots,
EVERYPONY!"
The TARDIS
"WOOOOOOO YEAH!" the Doctor cackled, pushing levers and pressing buttons within a rattling TARDIS. "LET'S GET THIS PARTY STARTED, BABY."
The Doctor's Alcohol Levels: Slightly Drunk
"YAYYYYY!" Derpy cheered, Pinkie pouring another shot into her glass. "Come on, Pinkie. Bottoms up!"
"Wah?" she blinked.
"DRINK ZE BEER! WIN A PRIZE!" Derpy giggled.
"Oh, right!" she called, before downing an entire bottle of butterbeer. "Hah! What'd I win?!"
"Another beer!" Derpy called.
"YEEEEEEES!" she shouted, before downing it as well.
"Hahaha! Sweet Celestia, Pinkie! Were in you in a sorority or something?" Derpy laughed, vodka burning down her throat, before turning towards the Doctor. "Hey Doctor, where are we going, anyway?"
"Oh, just a visit to an old friend I've been putting off," the Doctor smirked.
☼☼☼
Horsehood Headquarters
Canterlot
"Ugh, two in the morning on New Years and I'm stuck in here reading over old reports," a pony sighed, him wearing an oldschool, wool flight jacket. "It's times like this that make all the perks of leadership go down the can. 'Oh, come on, Captain Black,' Luna says. 'It'll just take a few hours...' she says... already drunk, too. " He then sighed. "There goes my big chance to cross her name off the list."
He then glanced at a clock sorrowfully.
"Wonder what you're doing right now, Doc? Having some sort of weird time lord party?"
Black then chuckled. "Yeah - like the Doctor would ever get wasted. If he did, he'd be off the list, too!"
Suddenly, his ears perked at a peculiar whirring sound nearby.
"Wait a second... what?!" he said, furrowing his brow.
Right on the metal floor of Horsehood, the TARDIS materialized, the Doctor and his companions leaping out of it dramatically and staggering towards Black.
"HEEEEYOOO, CAPTAIN BLACK. GUESS WHO'S MOTHER BUCKING BACK?!" the Doctor sang.
The Doctor's Alcohol Levels: Moderately Drunk
"Doctor?!" Captain Black Harness cried, all but beaming at him. "Derpy?!"
"Long time no see, Black. Still looking cuuuuuute as ever," Derpy slurred, grinning at him.
"Heh, thanks," he smirked.
'Is it just me, or are her eyes uncrossed? Why is she not on the list, already?'
"Woah, Derpy!" the Doctor gasped. "Your eyes are all un-derped!"
She blinked in surprise. "Really?!"
"Yeah, they are!" Pinkie grinned.
"It's an alcohol-induced miracle!" the Doctor beamed.
"But uh... what are you doing here?! This is supposed to be our secret headquarters! And why do you three smell like alcohol?!"
"Well, you know me, Black!" the Doctor smirked. "Always trying new things! And I've discovered something most wonderful with the help of my new, crazy pink friend here!"
He gestured towards Pinkie, who giggled with a wave at Black.
"Wait, isn't she an Element?! Doctor, you've been time travelling drunk with an Element?!"
"Oh come on, Black... get that stick out of your flank," the Doctor said, sticking his tongue out. "Come with us and have some mother bucking fun!"
"Uhhh... I dunno... I have a lot of names to scratch off the- I mean... paperwork. Lots of paperwork..." Black said, scratching his neck.
"But I have plans!" the Doctor grinned. "Most glorious plans! And you need to be in them! Come on Black, just like old times! Besides: your immortal, and I'm a time traveler. And what's your favorite thing to do?!"
Black's eyes widened in glee, shimmering. "Literally everything that moves... do you think it's possible? To live the dream?"
"Only one way to find out!" the Doctor beamed.
"Pleeeeeeeeasssse," Pinkie pleaded.
Black chuckled, giving the three a blank look. "So let me get this straight. You three break into Horsehood headquarters at three in the morning on New Years, drunk as can be, and want me to come on some time travelling adventure that's likely going to cause the end of the universe?"
"YUP!"
Black gave a bright smirk. "Whelp, what are we waiting for! Just let me grab a pack of... um... phallic shaped balloons! Say, Doc - think Princess Celestia was even hotter in her younger days?!"
"Hell yeah she is!"
"WOOOOO YEAH!"
"Ooooh man, I can't wait for Phase II of Operation: Awesome Night of Awesome!" Pinkie grinned.
"Hehehe, in that case, did you bring the baseball bat, Pinkie?!" the Doctor smirked.
"You bet I did!"
"THEN LET'S GET TO IT!" the Doctor cried.
☼☼☼
Skaroo Island
23 ARH
A single mailbox stood alone outside a large, strange, dome-shaped house...
A gust of lonely wind blew by, disturbing a silent night...
...
"YEEEEEEEHAWWWWWWW! GERONIMO!"
The Doctor's Alcohol Levels: Crazy Old Uncle on Thanksgiving
The TARDIS whirred into sight, Pinkie laughing maniacally as she held her baseball bat out the door of it. The TARDIS sailed towards the mailbox at breakneck speeds, rippling her mane in the wind.
SLAAAAAAAAAAMMMMMMMMMMM!
The baseball bat RIPPED into the mailbox, its shards for remains sailing to the ground. On its side was a single title: 'Dr. Davhorse: Junk Mail will be Exterminated.'
"HOOOOOOHAHAHAHA!" the Doctor laughed madly. "SUCK IT, YOU TRI-OPTIC, WRINKLY OLD DICK!"
The door to the house swung open, and an old, three-eyed, pruny pony appeared. He levitated outside upon a hovering wheelchair, shaking a hoof at the Doctor.
"OH, WHAT THE BUCK!? GOD DAMNIT! GET AWAY FROM MY LAWN! AND WAIT - IS THAT MY MAILBOX?!"
"That's for the Time War, you Dalek humping bastard!" the Doctor called, still laughing like a nut as the TARDIS circled about.
"UGH! I'LL GET YOU FOR THIS, DOCTOR!" Davhorse roared, shaking a hoof into the air. "AND YOUR LITTLE DERPY, TOO!"
"Yeah - haven't heard that before!" Derpy giggled, sticking her tongue out as she threw a roll of toilet paper at Davhorse's tree. "From me with love! It's the extra-soft kind, too!"
Davhorse' eye began to twitch, an insane expression overtaking his features.
"God damnit. GOD DAMNIT! BUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-"
The door to the TARDIS slammed shut.
"Pfffffffft-" Pinkie said, barely able to contain her giggles.
"BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!.!.!"
"Oh man, that was too rich," Black said, wiping a tear from his eye. "What are we doing next? Please tell me it involves an orgy!"
The group threw him looks.
"I'M GOING TO LIVE THE DREAM!" he shouted.
"Seriously, though, what are we doing next?" Derpy asked.
"Well... that felt good, but you know... I never was one for blatant destruction," the Doctor slurred, gulping down another bottle of butterbeer. "We should be spreading the bloody love, man!"
"But how do we do that?!" Derpy said, quirking an eyebrow.
"BY STARTING AT THE BEGINNING!" the Doctor said, holding up a triumphant hoof, before turning towards Pinkie. "Pinkie, did you bring the hippy tie-dye shirts?!"
"You bet, Doctor!"
"THEN LET'S DO THIS!" the Doctor roared triumphantly.
"Ooooh hell yeah," Black grinned. "I hope we're going where I think we're going."
☼☼☼
Equestria
Equestrian Civil War
1000 ARH
"Your time is up, sister!" Celestia roared, scowling as six Elements of Harmony circled about her.
"YOU SHALL NEVER DEFEAT THE POWER OF THE NIGHT, CELESTIA!" Nightmare Moon roared. "My will is eternal! My power is beyond anything you can comprehend! I will rule this pathetic land, or see it burned to ashes around me!"
"NEVER!" Celestia roared, the Elements beginning to power up with a brilliant flash of light.
Nightmare Moon's eyes widened. "NOOOO! NOOOOOO! NOOOOOOOOOOOO-"
She suddenly paused, both her and her sister perking their ears.
"Wait uh... do you hear that?" Celestia said, raising an eyebrow.
Nightmare Moon narrowed her eyes. "Yeah... it sounds like singing."
As the two put on the most baffled expressions anyone could have, a quartet singing ponies approached them. Each wore a tie-dye shirt.
"Whhhhhy don't we be friends!
Why don't we be friends!
Why don't weeee be friends!
Why don't we be friends!"
Doctor's Alcohol Levels: Very Drunk
"What the- WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!" Nightmare Moon shouted.
"Hi! I'm the Doctor!" the Doctor chirped. "And these are my bestest friends!"
"Hey hey hey!" Black smirked at Nightmare. "And I'd totally like to be your bestest friend, moonie! The bad ones are always the best..."
"What?!"
Captain Black Harnesses' Mind:
Nightmare Moon: Totally a Ten. Nice flank... could see some dominatrix stuff going on. Primary target acquired.
Celestia: Bit old at this time, but still a mega-GILB. Goddess I'd like to buck. Probably be missionary style... but I dunno, anything can happen. She must have gotten into kinkier stuff by her age...
"Stop looking at me like that, you pervert!" Nightmare Moon squawked, glaring at Black.
"I know who you are," Celestia said, lifting an eyebrow. "But why do you smell of alcohol?"
"Because alcohol is the key to peace, baby!" the Doctor grinned. "And it's time to turn your lock!"
Pickup line acquired, Black grinned.
"W-What?! What the heck is going on?!" Celestia cried, as Pinkie approached her.
"Oh come on Princess, you don't want to send your sister to the moon!" Pinkie beamed, placing a beaded necklace around a baffled Celestia's neck, as Derpy did the same thing to Nightmare Moon.
"Yeah, it's time to learn how to love, and forget how to hate!" she smiled merrily.
"Mmmm, nice sentiment," Black beamed, winking at Nightmare Moon. "You look like you could use a little R&R."
"Celestia, what is this?!" Nightmare growled. "Who are these ponies?! And why is the one in the coat... strangely attractive?"
"Oh hell yeah," Black grinned. "Why don't I take you back to the TARDIS so I can show you-"
"Black..." the Doctor coughed.
His eye twitched s he glared at him. "YOU SAID I COULD LIVE THE DREAM!"
"Ugh... for the love of - Nightmare Moon, meet the Doctor, Captain Jackass, and... two ponies I don't know," she moaned. "And he's interfering in time! Go home, Doctor, you're drunk!"
"Not until you two stop all this pointless fighting!" he said, giggling.
Celestia and Nightmare Moon glanced at each other, and then glanced back at the Doctor.
"You know what? Enemy Mine?" Celestia said.
"Yep, Enemy Mine," Nightmare Moon nodded, her horn powering up.
There was a large BANG! And the four of them were sent flying into the TARDIS.
"No pain," Captain Black groaned, sliding to the ground. "No game, right?" He then grinned at Nightmare. "Call me in a thousand years, hot stuff."
Another blast from their horns knocked him unconscious.
☼☼☼
The TARDIS
Ten Minutes Later
"Whelp, my bum hurts from that landing but I really think we made a difference!" the Doctor smiled.
"Yeah, but we totally shouldn't just stop with that!" Pinkie said.
"Uhhhh... don't you guys think that we're interfering in time a bit too muc-" Derpy said.
"Interfering?! Derpy, I'm doing time a favor!" Black grinned, before muttering, "If the Doctor would take off my damned collar..."
"Pffffft, yeah, don't be such a spoil sport, Derpy!" Doctor said, sticking his tongue out. "IT'S TIME FOR PHASE II OF OPERATION: SPREAD THE LOVE!"
"WOOOOOOOO YEAH!"
☼☼☼
Some Random Forest
Who the Buck Cares ARH
"EMERGENCY! EMERGENCY! WEAPON SYSTEMS DISABLED! MOBILITY IMPAIRED!"
"Oh will you just cool your jets, you meanie pants," Pinkie grunted. "We're trying to help you!"
"THE DALEKS NEED NO ASSISTANCE! ESPECIALLY FROM ALCOHOLIC SUBSTANCES!"
"Oh yes you do! It made me happy, maybe the same will be for you!" the Doctor beamed.
Squatting next to a downed Dalek Golem, he began pouring a bottle of alcohol into his intake port.
Doctor's Alcohol Levels: Approaching Critical
"WE DO NOT DESIRE INTOXICATION! PLEASE! NO! NO! NO-"
It paused. The group glanced at it hopefully.
...
"Think it worked?" Derpy asked.
Black grinned like a maniac.
Captain Black Harness' Mind.
Dalek: Minor chance of being intoxicated. Access point found. Pluses: Never done it with one of them before. Minuses: Not very hot, but I could totally see some more dominatrix stuff going on....
"Do I even want to know what you're thinking?" Derpy asked.
"Wait! Hang on! I think it's about to say something!" Pinkie squealed in delight.
...
The group held their breath.
"TASTE RECEPTORS... REPORT POSITIVE RECEPTION TO THE CONTENT OF THIS BEVERAGE! THIS UNIT REQUIRES MORE!"
"YEEEEEEEES!" the group cheered.
"PINKIE! Get this Dalek a tie-dye shirt!" the Doctor called.
"And my box of... balloons," Black smiled innocently.
"Okie-dokie-lokie!" she said, bouncing towards the TARDIS.
"NOW, OUR MISSION CONTINUES! BEEEEYA!" the Doctor grinned.
☼☼☼
998 ARH
The Crystal Empire
"Whhhhhy don't we be friends!
Why don't we be friends!
Why don't weeee be friends!
Why don't we be friends!"
King Sombra, Princess Luna, and Princess Celestia stood, staring blankly at the Doctor and his companions (including the new Dalek, him doing his best to sing) as they approached them.
King Sombra quirked his head as a necklace of beads was placed on him, looking as confused as can be. "Hrmph... slaves? Slaves...?"
"Slaves to love!" the Doctor giggled.
Oh Doctor, don't tease me, baby, Black sighed dreamily.
The Doctor's Alcohol Levels: Paris Hilton on a Friday Night
"Errr, that's really all he can say, Doctor," Princess Luna said, sweat-dropping. "You know those crystals he talked about mining? Well we uh... think he might be using them to make some sort of strange drug. Crystal Seth or something."
She then glanced at Captain Black, raising an eyebrow. "What are you drooling for?"
"Your voice is so hot."
Luna blinked, blushing fiercely.
New Target Acquired - Princess Luna: Totally hot body. Anger issues = more fun. New primary target.
Hmmm... King Sombra? Mentally retarded... not cool to hump. But - time travel can make possibilities happen. Into dominatrix in his younger days? I'd totally be his slave..."
"Doctor! Captain Black?! What the HECK ARE YOU DOING HERE?!" Celestia finally blurted out. "ISN'T THIS GOING TO BE A FIXED POINT IN TIME?! GO HOME, YOU'RE DRUNK!"
"NOT UNTIL PEACE COMES TO EQUESTRIA!" The Doctor cackled, as him and his group scurried towards the TARDIS.
☼☼☼
0 ARH
Equestria
"Whhhhhy don't we be friends!
Why don't we be friends!
Why don't weeee be friends!
Why don't we be friends!"
The Doctor's Alcohol Levels: Does it even need to be stated?
"You know what, Celestia. Why don't we be friends?" Discord smirked cheekily.
"You can be my friend," a now very drunk Captain Black slurred. "Let's see how... chaotic you are, hehehe."
"Oh shut up, Discord," she glared, as the Doctor's group finished circling beaded necklaces around them. "Don't encourage them."
"Oh, quit being such a meanie pants, Celestia," the Doctor giggled.
Celestia face-hoofed... hard.
''For the love of all that is- GOD DAMNIT, DOCTOR! Why are you here?! You're going to end up making some sort of time paradox or something! she yelled. "I should put you in the dungeon for this! IN FACT, ONCE I'M DONE WITH DISCORD: ONE THOUSAND YEEEEEARS - DUNGEON!"
"Is it the fun kind of dungeon?" Captain Black said hopefully.
Target - Younger Celestia:
I could probably make some cheesy pickup line about her being as hot as the sun she controls, but by the love of all things sexy, she's just too hot to risk it...
"RAUUUUUUUGH!.!.!" Celestia screamed, firing bolt after yellow bolt at him.
The Doctor's group giggled, before beginning to skip back to the TARDIS.
"Hard to get: I love that!" Black beamed, as a groaning Pinkie slammed the door shut.
"Finally," she groaned.
At that, Discord tapped his chin.
"Hmph, you know what, I think I'm going with them!" he grinned. "At least they seem to know how to have a good time!"
Celestia and Luna's eyes widened. "Are you serious?!"
"Serious as ever!" Discord chuckled.
"N-No! You can't do that! You'll create a time paradox!"
Discord paused, quirking an eyebrow her way. "Do time paradoxes create chaos?"
"Well... yeah."
"Then business as usual!" he smirked, before twaddling off...
...
"Is it just me, or is that Captain Black guy kind of hot?" Luna asked.
"Shut up."
☼☼☼
The TARDIS
The Doctor's Alcohol Levels: Utterly Wasted
"Hahaha! Good one, Discord!" the Doctor laughed. "You know, for an angel of chaos, you certainly have a decent sense of humor."
"Well, people often misjudge me," Discord said nonchalantly. "It's not my fault my nature is chaotic, I can't help it." He then took another gulp of vodka. "Haha, I never thought just drinking would be able to appease my appetite for fun, though!"
"Wooooah, speaking of chaos," the Doctor groaned, rubbing his stomach. "I feel like I'm about to-"
And the Doctor puked all over the floor.
"WOAH!"
"Ewwwwww...."
"Hahaha! Well, he held it in for a pretty long time," Pinkie chirped.
"Er yeah..." Black said, yawning deeply. "I think our fun's done for the evening. I think I'm going to turn in. I have to... modify my list a bit. The TARDIS still has spare rooms, right?"
"Mhmmm," Derpy said.
"THIS UNIT MUST ENTER A HIBERNATION CYCLE AS WELL," the Dalek stated.
"Mmmm, you can hibernate with me, metal-man," Black winked.
"ATTEMPTING FLIRTATIOUS CREATIVITY!" it gasped, twirling its plunger. "THIS THING ISN'T JUST FOR MIND PLUNGING - CU-TIE PIE!
Black's eyes widened in horror. "Um- right. I'm good!" he shrieked, before running out of the control room.
"Pfffffft - I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT WORKED! HAW HAW HAW!"
The group burst out into laughter.
"Hahaha! You're alright, my metallic friend!" Discord chirped. "Though really, Captain Black... well, let's just say: chaos was nice to him."
"Ewwwwwww," Pinkie gagged.
"Ugh..." the Doctor moaned. "I think it's time to wrap this up, guys?"
"Awwww - but I only just got here," Discord pouted. "I was about to show you guys how to dance... you would have made great marionettes!"
"Sorry, Discord," Pinkie said, frowning. "But hey, we'll see each other again in a thousand years!"
"Really?" Discord said, raising an eyebrow. "Ooooo, well hopefully it'll be a fun time!"
"Err, yeah," Pinkie coughed. "Just remember: be nice to Fluttershy in the future. It'll save you a lot of trouble."
"Fluttershy, hmmm? I'll have to remember that..."
The Doctor let loose another groan.
"Come on, Doctor. Let's get you tucked in," Derpy said, smiling warmly as she began to lead the Doctor to his bedroom.
☼☼☼
"So, worth it?" Derpy said as she lifted a set of blankets over him.
"Uggggh... well, I feel like my head is about to implode," the Doctor stated. "But you know what... that was actually pretty fun. I just hope we didn't cause any irreversible damages to the time stream."
"I'm sure everything will be fine. I'll make sure to return Discord to his own time while you're sleeping, alright?"
"Thank you Derpy," the Doctor said, smiling at her as she flicked off his light switch.
"No problem, Doctor," she said. "Good night. See you in the morning."
"Derpy," the Doctor said sternly, causing her to pause in her steps. "I mean it: thank you. My old assistants may have moved on to do other things, but... well... I'm glad you stuck with me so long. I just... wonder sometimes if it's all worth it. Do we make a difference?"
"You make a difference to me," Derpy said, turning back to him. "The way you talk about your past assistants... you may say you've screwed them up, but I don't believe that. I think you've helped them become stronger. So in the end, even if the rest of the universe isn't truly changed because of our actions: at least those in your own little universe are pointed in a positive direction."
The Doctor's eyes actually began to water ever so slightly at that.
"This is why... I don't like travelling alone," he said, his voice slightly shattered. "Good night, Derpy. If you could, tell Black I said goodbye if I don't see him again."
"Will do, Doctor. Sleep tight."
☼☼☼
The Doctor woke up the next morning, his head aching and throbbing, though still... he felt somewhat good. He walked into the control room, the Dalek Golem making a strange, electrical snoring sound and talking in his sleep.
"ZZZZZZZZ..... DALEKS ARE SUPREME..... ZZZZZZ....."
Pinkie was curled up next to him and sleeping in a little ball, bottles of alcohol everywhere. Discord was gone, and so was Derpy.... though he'd soon find out why.
"Doctor, get out here!" her merry voice cried. "There's... uh a few people who want to speak with you!"
The Doctor quirked an eyebrow as he walked out the door to the TARDIS. His eyes widened: standing there was Princess Luna, Discord, King Sombra, and Princess Celestia, all beaming at him merrily.
"Doctor!" Princess Celestia cried, wrapping her arms around him. "It's so good to see you!"
The Doctor shook his head, baffled. "Princess Celestia? What's going on? Why is-"
"Slaves.... sorry.... slaves," Sombra said, frowning mournfully.
"What he means to say is-" Luna stated, beaming. "After you started talking about peace to us during the battle for the empire, it got us thinking..."
"We decided to try to negotiate with King Sombra, to talk to him and see why he was being such a... prick," Princess Celestia stated.
"After a bit of investigating, we found out why he was acting so foolishly! He fell down a flight of stairs early in life, and ever since then he's desired to conquer his fear of them by building more and more stairs... and figured the best way to do that was to enslave an Empire!" she beamed. "He used all the Crystal Seth he mined to pay for them."
"Needless to say, we managed to talk him out of it, and with a bit of psychiatric help - as well as some rehab, we got him to reform! The Crystal Empire is now a prosperous nation thanks to you!"
"No slaves! No slaves!" Sombra smiled, bouncing slightly.
The Doctor's jaw fell. "W-What?! B-But we were drunk- how did-"
"And partying with you made me realize that I could have fun through means other than chaos," Discord smiled. "I decided to surrender peacefully to Celestia, and I've been helping her rule ever since that day!"
"With Discord's help, and with your own intervention, I managed to free my sister of the Nightmare that possessed her."
"Awwww," Captain Black groaned from within. "She was -hiccup- hot in that form, too..."
Celestia blinked.
"Anyway - Your peace offering threw her off balance just when I needed it!" Celestia beamed. "She's been ruling Equestria ever since with me! Without your intervention, Derpy here says I would have had to banish her to the moon! How crazy would that be?"
"Y-Yeah," the Doctor gasped, blinking. "How crazy would that be?" He then turned to Derpy, smiling. "So, I guess we can make a positive difference after all, huh, Derpy?"
"Darn straight!" she chirped.
His smile widened. "Heh, and you know what? I can dance if I want to, as long as I never leave you behind!"
"Awwwww," the group cooed.
Before they could finish cooing however, an evil, mechanical voice rang from the heavens:
"NOT SO FAST, DOCTOR!"
As the Doctor gasped, a thousand Daleks descended upon Ponyville, led by a hovering wheel-chair bound Davhorse.".
"IT'S TIME TO PAY FOR SMASHING MY MAIL BOX ALL THOSE YEARS AGO! HAW HAW HAW!"
"Or not," the Doctor gulped, his ears sagging, as he closed his eyes, awaiting the end.
Yet it never came.
"You're not hurting the Doctor!" Luna cried.
"Mmm hph!" Sombra nodded in agreement.
"Pffft, you call that chaos? I think not!" Discord smirked.
"EXTERMINATE!" a voice called, the friendly Dalek inside the TARDIS hovering out of it and aiming its laser cannon at the approaching menaces.
"Ima chargin' mah lazor gun!" Captain Black grinned, holding up a strange, massive weapon. "My not-as-fun one."
ZAAAAAAAP!.!.!
SNAP!.!.!
CRACKLE!.!.!
POP!.!.!
KA-POWWWW!.!.!
With a snap of the fingers, three beams from three powerful horns, and a friendly Dalek laser cannon, the assault force was all but exterminated.
"GO HOME, DAVHORESE, YOU'RE DRUNK!"
And he was sent flying away by a blast from Celestia's horn.
"NOOOOO! LOOKS LIKE TEAM DAVHORSE IS BLASTING OFF AGAIN!"
The entire town broke into cheers.
"Peace over war, baby!" Derpy cheered.
"Wooooo yeah!" Pinkie cried, bursting through the door to the TARDIS and smiling merrily. "And that is how Equestria was made!"
"And how you have a jolly good New Year," the Doctor winked.
"So, what have you learned, Doctor?" Princess Celestia smiled.
"Hmmm... well - I think I know what lesson I learned. And that lesson is simple: if you have a time machine, don't get drunk."
He slapped on a pair of cool-shades.
"Unless you're the god damned Doctor! YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!"
...
...
...
"Hey, Doctor..." Derpy said, nudging him.
He continued staring ahead, his shades still on, while grinning.
"Doctor..."
"Huh?"
"You know we need to go back and set everything right, right?"
He then gave a sigh. "Oh fine... just let me get another bottle of butterbeer!"
Derpy gasped in horror.
"Mmmm... mind if I help you with that?"
The Doctor raised an eyebrow.
Derpy gasped yet again, glancing at new figure. "Y-You...?"
The figure narrowed her eyes, smirking.
"Hello, sweeties."
To Be Continued...
