I told you to go right

by Okhlahoma Beat-Down

Rating: teen
Tags: Princess Luna, Comedy, Random, Adventure, Princess Celestia, Sex, Human, Thunderlane, Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Alternate Universe, Other, Romance
Length: 183197

My friends and I get lost, then end up in Equestria. Awooga, Awooga, bad story alert!

Being the adventurous people we are, my friends and I go for a walk in the Great Park. What we DON'T expect is to end up in the Everfree Forest, before being locked out of our dimension. However, when we actually do reach civilization after much Bear Grylls stuff is done -coughpisscough-, our lives get worse.

I got bored one day...decided to write this...meh... Sex tag for excessive innuendo, Teen for unnecessary swears. I wrote this because I got bored once, so don't expect anything awesome. Awesomely CRAP, maybe.

Y'all have fun now.

Published 2013-02-16 14:00:01 UTC
Last updated 2018-10-22 19:45:32 UTC

Oh dear bejeezus. We arrive now, of all times...

A sudden woosh of a carriage flying over the forest immediately stopped us as all 6 ponies darted into nearby bushes and off the path. I landed just next to Aidan, giving a quick brohoof and looking up. The gleaming gold wagon was being towed by two armoured pegasi, galloping with their legs as they flapped powerful wings. In the back, I could see two purple figures; a pony, and a small lizard. The pony was leaning over the side of the carriage with a rather sad expression, from what I could make out. Momentarily going crosseyed as I thought over the series, I suddenly snapped into realization.
"Guys. Err, colts, even?" I said to the bushes on the opposite side. I could see a small red aura surrounding the pistol we had retrieved days ago from the time-misplaced corpse, being levitated in a readied position by one of the others. "I suppose we've arrived just before the first ever episode. You know what that means?" Duncan's head popped out of the bush suddenly.
"No?" He said firmly, before diving his head back in.
"It means that we can be in MLP: FiM. We need a way to be noticed by the main cast, in such a way that it changes the series. But in a possible event, we CAN'T change the series, and we just edit events in a way humans won't notice. Maybe we'll show up on the telly, maybe not. Whatever happens guys, one important thing is to be decided."
"What?" Felix asked, ruffling his wings as we stepped out of the bushes.
"Who's going for what mare?" I asked, and Aidan's hoof immediately shot up.
"I'M GOING FOR CELESTIA." shouted the grey stallion.
"SHOTGUN LUNA!" I yelled right after.
"You guys are battling above your level, eh?" Felix snorted. "I'm going simple; Dashie."
"She's a lesbian." Harry retorted. "I'm going for ERPLEJERHK!"
"...Who is also a lesbian." I snorted, stomping a hoof on the ground. "Rarity, maybe. Depends how drunk we both are. But Luna? I am about to savage that ass." I splayed my sleek wings out proudly, closing my eyes and grinning as I thought of the many ways I could-
"Christ, calm down." Duncan smirked, cutting off my ideas. "Might try and get Twilight. Should be interesting."
Alex simply coughed. "-coughfluttershycough-"

"We're so optimistic." I said after a moment of silence. A simultaneous 'Oh yeah.' came from the others, as Felix and I soared into the sky to watch the carriage's path.

The moment we entered Ponyville, I expected Pinkie to appear with a massive explosion of 'OHAI!'. She didn't and that's when I figured where she must have been; trotting towards Twilight, before gasping and charging off to somewhere. But where would that b-
"HI!" I reeled back in surprise as the mare herself appeared in front of me, smiling and grinning the whole time. She seemed even more crazy than she was on the show. "I'M PINKIE PIE! WHAT'S YOUR NAME? TELL AUNTIE PINKIE YOUR NAMES, PLEEEEASE?!" I moved back to my original stance, coughed quickly, and introduced myself.
"Hi...er, Pinkie Pie. I'm...um, Thunder Mustang...these are my, ahem, companions?" I gestured behind me, desperately trying not to hug her. I suddenly froze in a sudden realization: the other guys had no names. Luckily, Felix swung in to help out.
"I'm Sky Wheel, pleasure to meet you." He stuck his green hoof out to shake, which was promptly shaken. A lot. Once he had recovered from RSI, he continued, pointing to Aidan. "This is...Ebony Chopper. And...uh," he stopped, looking at Duncan with an expression that said 'Oh shit, help me please!'.
"...Inferno Cloud, an honour, Miss Pie." Duncan smoothly added in. I chuckled to myself; the way he acts now is how he's going to have to act the whole time he's here: a posh twat.
"Oooh, nice Cutie Mark!" Pinkie said to him, staring at his flanks. Felix, Aidan, Alex, and Harry, along with me, were trying not to laugh at her breach of privacy. "Mine's PARTYING! What about you?" She yelled, suddenly in my face. I was glad that we didn't have to think up names so suddenly now, but she was asking what my Cutie Mark was. Even I hadn't checked. Looking at my hind-quarters, I saw the image of a small storm cloud, with iron sights set onto it. I wasn't sure, so I guessed what it meant.
"My cutie mark?" I said, trying to sound like I knew what I was saying. "It means, 'No bad cloud shall escape my sights.' I'm really good at spotting bad weather." As it turns out, I was. A black cloud had appeared above a nearby pram, containing a foal. Quickly, I flew up at 200MPH, at least, grabbed the cloud, and flew off with it over the forest boundary nearby. Crisis averted, I could see a mother below, smiling at me and saying thank you, before she dashed inside with her baby. I performed a few loops, before landing smugly. I didn't know I was that good at flying. "As I said; 'No bad weather'."

Suddenly, Pinkie Pie gasped, hovered, and barrelled off down the streets, knocking Harry, Alex, and Duncan over in one swift movement. "Yep." Felix said as he helped Harry to his hooves. "Party planning, but where at?" Shrugging, we all continued to town centre. I knew I was insane, so being in Equestria seemed like the most normal thing I'd done all day.

Felix, Aidan, Harry, Duncan, Alex and I stood in the library for a good 10 minutes, awaiting Pinkie Pie's signal to yell surprise. The bubbly pink mare had found us a few hours after our first encounter, before inviting us to Twilight's surprise party at the Shady Oak library. Felix and I were holding in squeegasms as she told us what time. Partying with Pinkie Pie! The brony dream, mother fuckers! my mind smugly shouted. So here we stood, near the drinks table and a few mares I recognised; Derpy, Vinyl Scratch, and Berry Punch. Duncan, Alex, and Harry immediately leapt at the chance to flirt with them, so they were stood whispering to them.
Suddenly, the door opened, revealing the mare of the hour and her little dragon.
"...I just want to do research without crazy ponies wanting to make friends all the time! Now where are the lights?"
Click.
"SURPRISE!" Everypony yelled, including me and my friends. Twilight leapt back in shock, before lowering her head and groaning loudly. Pinkie Pie ran up, just like in the show, and began questioning Twilight happily. I nudged the other five of my friends, in deep conversation with a group of mares, and jabbed a hoof to Twilight. Feli-I mean, Sky Wheel turned completely, both of us having the same over-excited expression on our faces. We were about to meet Celestia's protege! Us! Dunca-INFERNO CLOUD turned as well, smiling like a madpony.
"Hey, Pinkie!" I shouted over to her. She smiled, looked at us, and turned to Twilight again.
"Oh, OH! Twilight, these are new ponies in Ponyville too! They arrived when you did! That made me sad, because I thought you all didn't have many friends, so I invited EVERYPONY IN PONYVILLE! You'll get along great! Trust your aunt Pinkie! Talk to each other! Be happy! YAY!" And with that, Pinkie darted off at an unreal pace.
Well, that's the course of Season 1 beginning to break. I'll tell her she's right. Moony will come back.
With a few moments of silence between the seven of us, I finally spoke up.
"You're right about it, y'know." I said calmly pouring myself a drink casually, before retuning to see Twilight looking rather worried. "What? Oh, about what? Yeah, your theory that Nightmare Moon's coming back, it's right. She kidnaps Celestia, you panic, hunt down the elements of harmony, and save the day. You're gonna be a hero. I know: awesome, right? Yeah." I sipped the drink I'd poured, as Twilight looked ecstatic. Her smile was huge, and her gaze was hungry for knowledge.
"How do you know I was researching Nightmare Moon? And how do you know I'll be a hero?" She asked, going into my face.

"Well, I know all." I answered. "For instance, the Nightmare will escape moments before Celestia raises the sun. If you'd follow me, quickly." I pointed to a window, before flying over there with my drink in hoof. as soon as I could see I was in her company, I pointed at the moon. "Those four stars, they're moving towards the moon. The moment they touch it, Nightmare Moon will escape. I can help you defeat her, if you like. But it'll probably be only possible with the Elements of Harmony. I think I know where they are, so my friends and I can help you get to them, and face all the dangers along the way." Twilight seemed speechless. She smiled, thanked me for my offer, before leaving to the drinks table. I sighed happily. My friends and I, armed with knowledge of this world, a gun, a knife, and a few grenades, would settle in...rather nicely.

Pretty soon, I was stood next to Felix, as he attempted to get a marefriend by talking to the main 5; Fluttershy, Rarity, Rainbow, Pinkie, and Applejack. He was telling a fascinating tale of bullshit and lies, but they were buying it. "So, the moment the doors to Tartarus opened, I threw the demon back in there, just as the fiery doors slammed shut. I performed some emergency surgery, and pretty soon I was off adventuring again..." Felix continued. Rainbow was looking pretty amazed. I rolled my eyes, and sipped more of my drink.
"So Mr Mustang," I heard Rarity ask. I looked at her quickly, swallowing my drink. "Is it TRUE that you fought a Manticore with your bare hooves?" I laughed; earlier that day we actually had. On the road through the Everfree, a Manticore managed to sting my friends, paralyzing them temporarily and leaving me to duke it out with a 2 tonne mutant bear thing.
"Oh yeah," I laughed, gesturing to Duncan, Alex, Felix, Harry, and Aidan. "I wouldn't be the extraordinary Gentlecolt I am today if I hadn't. Along with that, I shouted so loud at a dragon that tried attacking me, that it fell over! Ha!" Rarity looked unimpressed.
"Really? Care to demonstrate?" she asked smugly, leaning forwards with a devilish grin. I knew how to reply.
"If you wanted a loss of hearing, your mane to be blasted about into an unrecognisable mess, to be stunned, AND to be thrown across the room, I'd gladly do it. Otherwise, no. I doubt such AWESOME can be withstood by somepony as...elegant, as you."
"Oh, well." Rarity rolled her eyes. "Maybe when you do it, shout at the next Manticore you take on."
"Oh, I bloody will." I looked slightly annoyed as I glared at her over my glass of...wine, I think. "Bet the world would be better off without those beasts." I suddenly felt a strange force causing me to look left. I forcibly ignored it, until it nearly broke my neck. Looking in the direction of Fluttershy, I practically blacked out. A pair of angry looking eyes were piercing my soul. Every time I tried to resist, a stabbing pain was felt in my head. All I could do was weakly gaze into the blue eyes.
The stare...dammit. I should stop dissing animals in front of Fluttershy...
"You stop bullying animals, mister." came the voice. Oh, FUCK, not the voice. It reverberated around my skull, smashing all parts of my Manticore hatred. "Now I'm going to count to three. And when I reach three, you're going to stop insulting my friends. Are we clear?"
"YES MA'AM." I said against my own free will. Oh, balls, she's controlling my life.
"One..."
Break it...come on...
"Two..."
THERE! FREE!
"Thr-"
"You can't destroy what's already broken, Fluttershy." I firmly stated, as insanity took over. "Sanity is not in my mind. Seriously, walking through a forest for 2 and 1/2 weeks REALLY destroyed all the sanity I had, so try to fix me. BUCKING TRY." The girls, Felix, and a few other ponies were shocked at such an outburst. Plus, how did I break the Stare? I shook my head, subduing the insanity, if only for a few days, before speaking again.
"I-I'm sorry...that happens...I can't stop it, i-it's like a million of me arguing all at once...I'm sorry for insulting your animals...I can't help it..." I droned on. I forced a tear to appear in my eye, just for effect. A hoof fell onto my shoulder.
"Ah'm sorry 'bout that. It'll happen, sugarcube. All of us have snapped once or twice in the Apple family, y'all 're not the only one who lost it." Came Applejack's voice in my ear. "And Fluttershy? She's quiet, ah don't know much 'bout her. Ah didn't meet her until she'd been in Ponyville for 7 weeks!"
I faked a laugh. "Yeah, I guess that's a point. Always the quiet ones." I smirked. "Anyway, I believe that we're going to head to the Town Hall to watch Celestia raise the sun. I'll be there early." Just as I turned and headed off out the Library door, I heard Sky Wheel call after me. "Hey Thunder, wait up! I'm coming too!"
Great. I can't go and steal the elements now. To the Hall, I suppose. When Nightmare Moon arrives, I'll fly at her with the knife. That's clearly not the insanity talking...is it?

Author's Note

I bloody told you I could fit 1,000,000 tonnes of shit on one page. Well done for wasting your life on this.

Insulting a Corrupt Monarch

I lied. I'd told them I was heading there early, in reality I was finding a decent place to be on my own. Just me, my failing sanity, and a Vietnam-era pistol, along with a knife. I clearly was going to be allowed out of town with those. I scanned my eyes across the town as I drifted through Ponyville alongside Sky Wheel. Normally, bronies would be going CRAZY at this point: a party with Pinkie, meeting the future Element holders, and many other things. I wasn't going crazy over this; it was driving me insane. Sky had already noticed that my pupils were slightly smaller, and my eye was twitching occasionally. Equestrian signs of insanity? Probably. Insane or not, either way I was going to help them stop Nightmare Moon with the help of my friends. Still, I always have the pistol to fall back on. Or my knife, stuck in the dirt with the blade pointed at my head. Insanity is not as bad as it's portrayed in Far Cry 3: it's worse.
"Hey," Sky said, tapping me on the shoulder with a nudge of his green hoof. I shook my head quickly to disperse these thoughts. "You OK? You've been acting weird the whole time we've been here."
"Exactly." I replied sharply, turning and glaring at my friend. "Here. In a place where friendship rules. I don't belong here. We don't belong here. Are six stallions armed with tools of a past war going to fit in here? In Equestria? No. We won't. I've already begun to lose it; it'll only be a matter of time before I turn Vaas."
"Come on, don't be like that." Sky replied. "You have to be enjoying this secretly; Equestria! The Brony dream! Where there are no trolls, almost no bullies, the Sky isn't even the limit! We can restart here! Consider this a checkpoint; we've just begun the level." With that, Sky flew off towards the clouds, doing loops and aerial tricks as he went. As soon as he was out of earshot, I began to quietly mutter Vaas' Insanity Monologue to myself as I landed in the centre of Ponyville market. I started on the fourth line of the speech as I began to trot towards the Town Hall. Unsurprisingly, I ran into a couple of ponies leaving the party, who also claimed to be leaving for the hall early. Despite my best efforts, I couldn't convince Lyra and Bon-Bon to let me head there alone, which meant I had two rather interrogative mares following me. Each question involved my past life, if I didn't answer they'd subtly drop the question at another point. One instance was when they asked if I'd ever had a marefriend. When I didn't reply, they said they did at points, and they'd start saying 'I knew this mare once, she had a coltfriend like you...'
"So, where are you from?" Bon Bon asked, trotting forwards yet looking sideways and not falling. It seemed all gossipy ponies could do this if they remembered the landmarks and route.
"Errr, tough one, that." I replied nervously. It actually was difficult: I can't just say I'm from a different fucking universe and not expect them to slowly back away. Thinking quickly, I looked to the right. A caravan was latched onto a post, the drivers stood in smart military uniforms. Celestia's carriage, then. I thought. Idea... "It's a pretty difficult question, I'm from all over. Manehattan, Fillydelphia, Canterlot, even here at one point. But the highlights of my travels with my friends come in the form of roadside ruins and wrecks. Once, we found a carriage by the side of the railway line into Appaloosa, neatly severed in half. The occupants had cleared it out, and were camping beside it as though it never happened! It was a train impact, and they honestly couldn't care less! Ridiculous!" I laughed, encouraging a laugh from the two mares.
"Well, speaking of your friends, where did you meet?" No bullshit this time. We met at school, simple as. I thought.
"School. Simple really; we had dodgeball, except when you were hit you joined the other team. Us six managed to thin through their numbers really quick, so soon after we ended up best friends."
"Seems cliché." Lyra muttered. "Anyway, how old are you?"
"24." STOP THINKING OF FUCKING TV SHOWS
"How often do you go to hospital?"
"Why? You gonna beat me up?" I asked, actually slightly worried I may get assaulted by the two mares sandwiching me either side.
"No, but just asking."
"Well, not often. Worst I've had is when I tripped down stairs."
"Ouch."
"In Canterlot palace. Those steps are made of marble. Broke part of my jaw and sounded like a drunk for a few weeks."
"You drink?" Bon Bon asked quickly.
"Yes, course I do. Probably going to start drinking MORE to cope with Pinkie Pie."
"I hear ya." Lyra smiled.
"Oh yeah." Bon Bon nodded.
"Well, nice talking to you, but I might go get a decent spot. We arrived, after all."

"Ok, see you soon Thunder!" Bon Bon called after me as I trotted forward through the doors to the main hall. What nice mares. I mused to myself. Shame. I'll probably be in an asylum later.

Standing still as a pegasi suddenly becomes boring as fuck. We'd listened to the Mayor blab on a bit about town announcements, Pinkie's utterly spontaneous confetti assaults, and I was trying not to end up drunk so I could cope with the mares stood by us asking questions. Normally, Bronies would love to hang around with the Elements of Harmony. I wasn't. If anything, I wished they'd bugger off.
"So, you're saying that jacket is...not diamond encrusted?" Rarity asked as she poked at my coat. I have no idea where the damn thing came from; I awoke with it a few days before. I couldn't help but laugh at the fact I didn't have a dick either. I had pissed earlier SOMEHOW, don't tell me it's invisible or some shit. Harry had been the one to notice that mares didn't have vaginas either. So how did ponies...?
"Fillies and Gentlecolts!" the Mayor shouted. Lights swung towards the brown and grey mare at the front of the hall, as she had the biggest and most effective forced smile I'd ever seen. I nudged Inferno.
"Have the others come up with names, yet?" I whispered as the Mayor continued her speech. "We can't have only four of us knowing what our names were."
"Well, I know Harry wants to be called Solar Blast, and Alex wants to be called Fire Trail, so that should do." Inferno replied. I had to bend my neck down to listen to the little olive pegasus' whispers, and even then he had to look up at me.
"Good, we should have a chance of fitting in now." I breathed a sigh of relief; there's one worry off my saddle. Wow, it felt kind of normal to say saddle. That's just fucking crazy.
"I give you, PRINCESS, CELESTIA!" The Mayor shouted. Ponies all around us cheered and whooped as Fluttershy's birds began to sing and Rarity pulled the curtains away. I made a mental note to keep an eye on things, and looked. Princess Celestia wasn't there, much like the show. Pinkie rambled away behind us, just then Rarity looked out at the audience.
"She's gone!" she shouted from the top balcony. Mares and Colts gasped at this startling revelation. My friends and I gave a quick nod to each other.
"Here she comes..." Aidan said just loud enough for us to hear. As if on cue, a blue mist began to form around the top level; swirling and compacting in a cloud of dark magic. All of a sudden, a bright flash sparked in the mists and when it was gone, a tall black Alicorn was stood, slightly angrily glaring down at the crowds.
"Throw insults first. I'll start." I whispered back, as I prepared to fly into the air alongside Sky and Inferno. "Right, wait until she's saying her opening..."
"Aaahhh, it's so good to see my loyal subjects once more..." Nightmare began, as she gazed out over the ponies.
"NOW!" I whispered loudly to the others. All six of us barged through the crowds, past Twilight, Applejack, Pinkie, and Rainbow Dash, before stepping into the open.
"Shut it!" I yelled, flying into the air and pointing a hoof at the mare. "I know you! Nightmare Moon!" The audience gasped, forming a ring around my ground-bound friends. The three pegasi, including me, hovered several feet above the Ebony, Fire, and Solar, prepared for battle. "You're no goddamn ruler; you refuse to lower the fucking moon like you're so high and mighty, and then expect love in return? All I can give you is a hail of hot lead, how 'bout that, bitch?" The audience gasped even louder as I drew the pistol and levelled it with Nightmare's head.
"Ooh, somepony remembers me?" she purred in her silky voice. "And a warrior? Wonderful. The perfect addition to my new army..." Suddenly, she disappeared, then reappeared, right inbetween Sky and myself. I felt her hoof touch down on my shoulder, and I felt slightly relaxed at her touch. Still not letting my guard down, I span with the pistol, trying once again to gain accuracy on her stupidly sexy face. "Now, now, there's no need for that, hmm?" she whispered into my ear. Seeing no other option, I lowered my weapon, holstering it my jacket pocket. She smiled, and once again I felt a sudden pulse of relaxation wash over my body. "Good boy. Now then; join me."
"Errr, how about you fuck off? Does that answer your question?" I replied, gaining a small laugh from below. "And when was the last fucking time you washed? You smell so bad I bet I could stand in a house made of shit and it'd smell fresher than you! Christ."
"The obscene language is unnecessary, you know. It isn't how you speak to royalty!" Nightmare boomed, suddenly flying off to the balcony again. "Enjoy this sunset, for it shall be your last. From now on, the night...shall last...FOREVER!" Nightmare burst into villainous laughing. I quickly looked at the other two pegasi next to me, and the ponies below.
"Get her! Chase her to the fucking hills!" I cried, as I flew forward at high speed in the hopes of grabbing her. Inferno followed alongside Sky as all three of us flew in formation towards her. Suddenly, I felt a sharp sting on my back that ripped through my entire body. Letting out a yell of pain, I tried to continue going but my wings were unresponsive. All hopes of landing safely were all dashed as Inferno banked right and slammed into my side. We both tumbled to the ground floor, desperately trying to open our wings again as we both crashed to the floor in a crumpled heap. My hearing muffled and vision blurred as I saw a blue mist tear out of the door. Just before I lost conciousness, I saw hundreds of hooves trying to check our state. The most prominent of those hooves, though, was a set of cyan forehooves stood tall in front of me. I looked up with my remaining energy, seeing Rainbow Dash's angry glare.
"You coulda asked me to help, ya know." she said firmly.
"Really?" I moaned. "Next time...ask me, sweetheart..."

At that moment, my vision completly blacked out.

A forest loomed high. Wind whistled. I felt like I was lost. A flashlight in my pocket. It's dark. I turn it on. Light comes out. Fence behind me. Barbed wire on the top. I'm trapped. I walk into the forest. I find a body. It gets up. Sharp teeth and empty eyes. I run. More bodies. They all get up. I find a ladder. I climb it. Platform on top. A pull on my leg. A monster grabs my leg. I grab something. It's two forelegs. They're warm. Comforting. I look up. It's Princess Luna. She blasts the beasts away. I try to thank her. Instead, she hugs me. I pass out.
That was some dream... I think to myself. And why am I in Twilight's library?

Author's Note

I HATE THIS SHIT. WHY DO I WASTE TIME, YOURS AND MINE BY WRITING THIS CRAP? WHY THE CAPS? DUNNO.

I'm right again. But we should go left. Still right, though.

I was awoken by the sound of pages being turned. A feminine voice would mutter unintelligible things, before the book would be put back. Another book would be taken out. Wash, rinse, repeat.
Flip, flip, flip, flip, flip. Moaning. Clump. Flip, flip, flip, flip, flip...
Wow. That clearly wasn't annoying the hell out of me. Finally, I groaned loudly, running my hoof down my face, before sitting up. I winced as my blue hoof ran across a patch of fur. I guessed that that was where I'd landed head-first, and took a look around. Once again, I was in Twilight's library, lying on a pile of cushions next to Inferno and Sky, who were still lying unconcious with large bumps on their heads. Ebony, Solar, and Fire were sat on some chairs, leaning on a wooden table and playing cards. Twilight Sparkle was stood next to a bookshelf, with a gold-rimmed pair of reading glasses positioned at the tip of her snout. She was simply scanning books with a bored facial expression, sighing occasionally as she put a book down and began another. Flexing my wings, I grunted loudly, before finally coughing. A few eyes looked at me, before returning to their previous tasks.
"So," Twilight asked, not even moving her eyes from the book she was reading. "How was your sleep?"
"Fine," I replied, standing up and stretching my legs as I trotted over to the other 3 stallions gambling for poker chips. Hmm. I hope that there was beer in Equestria. Can't have poker without beer. "It was even better, especially when I know where Moony ran off to." Twilight simply rolled her eyes.
"I don't even know if I can trust you." she muttered, adjusting her glasses. "You're an armed psychopath that tried to kill another pony." I smiled, and now it was my turn to roll my eyes.
"What can I say?" I said, rubbing my hoof against my blue fur and checking it. "I'm flattered, Miss Sparkle. I'm good at what I do."
"And what you do is insane." she finished for me. "You're a nutjob. You carry two cylinders that go bang and blind ponies, a huge knife used in a war, and a small 'gun', designed specifically to kill others. And you still think I want you to accompany me to the location of the most powerful objects in Equestria?"
"Wait, you know about guns?" I asked quickly. Guns in Equestria? If there were, they were most likely knock-offs of human gun names. 'FARMAS', Desert Phoenix, and Raging Manticore, along with several other crappy puns came into my head.
"Mmhmm." Twilight replied, still not removing her eyes from a book. "Solar told me about them." I cast a pissed off glance to Solar, who had managed to build a skyline with the chips he was winning. Ebony and Fire looked as though they were struggling; I could see a bead of sweat go down Fire Trail's forehead when he looked at his cards. Meanwhile, Twilight continued. "I didn't know they possessed such horrific technology in Gryphonia."
"Well, you won't like to hear about how many types there are, and the fact that they also started using flames as a weapon over there."
"Oh...kay..." Twilight replied, looking up as she thought of how it might work. "How-"
"You know how fuel ignites?"
"Yes, of course."
"Now imagine that sprayed out of a nozzle as it gets lit on fire by a small gas flame."
"Eek." Twilight said sarcastically. "I presume you hid one of those somewhere in Ponyville?"
"Fuck no," I replied swiftly, looking back slightly angry that she'd imply such a thing. "Those things are for high-level psychopaths. I'm not high enough to so much as carry the damn things. Don't be ridiculous."
"Fine, fine." she grunted, putting a book back with a lavender aura and grasping another one. "But you still expect me to want your help?"
"Yeah." I replied smugly. "I already know where the Elements of Harmony are. Jeez, it's a walk down a goddamn path, how hard can that be?" Just before Twilight could answer, the door bashed open as Rainbow charged in and went into my face. She looked pretty pissed.
"And just what ARE the Elemnts of Harmony?" the rainbow pegasus yelled at me as I began to back up. "And how do YOU know about Nightmare Moon, huh? Are you a SPY?" I adjusted a non-existent tie, and activated my French accent.
"But of course." I replied, trying to sound like Spy as much as possible. "We shall settle this like GENTLEMEN." I shouted into her face, hovering several feet off the ground and raising my hooves for a fight. Rainbow smirked.
"Y'know, you're pretty brave. I'll give you one last chance to back off." she grinned.
"Try grinning when you don't have teeth left." I parried.
"Is that a challenge?" Rainbow raised her hooves into a ready stance.
"Yes," I replied. "With no outcome where you come out on top." Just before the threats became any less threatening, an orange mouth bit Rainbow's tail.
"Woah there, Rainbow." Applejack cut in. "He sure ain't a spah, but he knows what's goin' on." I lowered my hooves, cleared my throat, and landed back on solid ground again.
"Well, I don't know exactly HOW this will turn out, especially now that my friends and I have begun to interfere, but I think I know what's happening." I began, before trotting over to a bookshelf I'd seen on the show, and looked for the cover I needed. When I spotted the book Pinkie should have found, I opened it and began. "When Nightmare moon was defeated, Princess Celestia used the powers of the 6 Elements of Harmony to banish her; Loyalty, Honesty, Kindness, Laughter, and Generosity." I moved a hoof for emphasis. "But it is said that the sixth Element is unknown, and will only appear when the other five have appeared." Lowering the book, shutting it, and putting it on its shelf, I looked back at the mares. "Basically, there's necklaces with magic powers that can defeat Moony. Sound good?" The mares nodded in agreement. Now they were in, I looked at my friends.
"YES." All 3 gamblers said before I'd even asked. They didn't even move their eyes from their game. I looked down at Inferno and Sky.
"How can we wake these two up, though?" I asked, tapping a hoof to my snout. I heard Rarity thinking, before she finally gasped.
"IDEEAAA!~~" she sang. Suddenly, the white mare cleared her throat, a devilish grin on her face as she mouthed the words 'Play along.' I nodded, and watched. "Ooohh, Rainbow, this lingerie is much to tight on my flanks. Would you be a lamb and loosen it with your teeth?" Rainbow stopped blushing long enough to make her own contribution.
"OK, Rarity!" Rainbow said cheerfully, before making 'nnfff' noises with her mouth. Finally, Sky awoke with a start, hoping to see the lesbian show that wasn't happening. The green Pegasus looked excited, before rolling his eyes and standing up. I whispered the plan to him, and the smile came back to his face.
"Oh dear," Rarity added again, in a voice that sounded like she was about to orgasm. "I'm much too aroused. I think that it must be Rainbow's breathing. Twilight, would you like me to try your lingerie?" Inferno shot up at the mention of Twilight. He looked excitedly around the room, saw we were all on the brink of tears, before groaning and standing up.

"Assholes." he muttered as everypony in the room burst out laughing.

Here we are. The edge of Everfree. All twelve of us, mare and colt, stood just on the path leading deep into the forest. Strange sounds that my friends and I were too used to rang out occasionally. We all stood in silence, before Ebony stepped forward.
"Ok, see ya." he said as he trotted into the woods.
"Not so fast!" Twilight said as she put a hoof out. Ebony stopped mid stride, considered her comment, before setting off again. He was travelling at a slower speed than he was a moment ago, but the grey unicorn still trotted into the forest. Just as he fell out of sight, Ebony turned and pulled the biggest shit-eating grin he could at Twilight, and then he disappeared into the fog. Everypony went silent again, before I stepped up.
"Right," I said, preparing my speech. "Who's ready to go and save Equestria by defeating a strangely sexy villain with a perfectly formed ass by using some magic necklaces that may or may not exist?"
"Errr...yeah?" came the group reply.
"Yeah!" I replied.
"Yeah..." The others replied.
"YEAH!"
"Yeah!" I'm nearly there...come on...
"YEAH!!!"
"YEAH!"
"YEAH! WOOO!"
"YEAH! YEAH! YEAH!" came the group reply, as they pumped with adrenaline.
"COME ON!" I yelled, the adrenaline getting to my head. "LET'S DO THIS!" All 11 of us remaining were whooping and cheering the moment we entered.
Right, I thought to myself. Let's see. First we reach...the Trees? No...yeah, I think? Then, the...cliff...I think it's that...Manticore...then the...gay dragon thing in the river...before we reach the rope bridge. I think it's that order; but our arrival might have fucked the ordering up. Oh, what I'd give to have my gun with me right now. Wait, MY gun? It belongs to a Vietnam soldier, not me. But then again, neither does Luna's ass, but that's still amazing. Oh god, here comes my Vaas personality...
"You know?" I asked. "I think I may well have lost it right now. But I'm still safe to be near, right? RIGHT?!" I began yelling. The rest of my tangent was cut short by a smack in the head from Twilight.
"Cool it." she grunted. "We can hopefully get Celestia to try and restore your full mental health when we reach her. But now, just...relax. Alright?" She ordered in an oddly calming voice. I shook my head, reconsidered my sanity, before continuing. Suddenly, a female voice rang out in my head.
Well, well. If it isn't my little warrior and his friends...
What? Who the fuck is in here?! Get the hell out!
Are you serious? You made a comment about my appearance earlier, did you think I wouldn't know?
...
Precisely. Now, being the kind ruler that I am, I can reward you for loyalty to me. If you kneel before me, you would be my right hoof colt, with all the power you could wish for and other...benefits, over me.
What are you implying...?
I am implying that your treachery shall be punished by suffering, but your loyalty will be rewarded with...pleasures.
You're lying. Any mare with that perfect an ass is always lying.
You mean...this 'ass'?
Suddenly, a picture of Nightmare Moon's plot appeared in my mind. I shook my head subtly, before continuing my argument.
I know you're enjoying the mental image...just surrender unto me, and I shall reward you as you please.
I'll...consider it...Luna.
Wha-What? It has been centuries since somepony aside from my sister called me that. Thank you.
You're welcome. Now get out of my head, you sexy beast.
Ok, handsome.
Thanks.
With that exchange fresh in my mind, I dropped back next to Ebony Chopper. He was around my height, except more buff.
"Ebony," I began. "Did somepony just invade your mind?"
"Nope." he replied, looking towards me. "Why? Did somepony do it to you?"
"Yeah," I replied, scratching my head with a hoof as I flexed my wings. "Nightmare Moon just began to converse with me in my brain, claiming 'my loyalty will be rewarded with pleasure'. I'm considering joining her now."
"Same," Ebony replied, looking straight ahead. "But we need to stop her. We stop the beast, you get the beauty. Sound good?"
"Yeah, I suppose you're right."
"Well, we'd better press on. Those trees won't be laughed at themselves!" Ebony laughed, trotting forward into the group ahead as I trailed behind.
I'd prefer to burn the trees like a normal person.
I know you would. Now stop thinking of my plot.
THEN STOP BEING SO DAMN SEXY!

Author's Note

More crap. More crap, lather it onto your plate!

On the road again...

As it turns out, being insane and in a dark forest is NOT good for anypony. I had already gone on a sexist rant, tried to throw Rainbow into a ditch, before chasing a bunny with the knife, each incident being rewarded with a huge and ridiculously paralyzing electric charge. The first few times, they tried to calm me down, but eventually I was tied with a bonding spell, gagged, and carried on Ebony's back. Even Pinkie Pie, who believes anything is possible, began to keep clear, as a blue and gold pegasus with a major mental dysfunction is not to be trusted with ANYTHING. I knew immediately the moment I first snapped I should have left. But I didn't. And now I'm risking 6 mares who are to soon bear the Elements of Harmony, and this may potentially destroy the hope of that happening. From my upside-down position on Ebony's back, I noticed it was getting a lot darker, a lot faster.
"Hold on," Applejack suddenly said as the orange cowpony stopped and raised a hoof. "Ah think ah stepped in somethin'." I couldn't see what she'd stood in, probably shit, but Ebony looked into my vision.
"Vaas, your horse needs a fucking break." he smirked, throwing his back and causing me to tumble onto the dirty forest floor. I of course had no say in this, so I simply enjoyed the unexpected pain of smacking snout-first onto the floor. But of course, nopony else really gave a damn, so I simply lay on my side as the others had a conversation. Out of the corner of my eye, a tiny blue cloud was drifting into a tree, illuminating the tall trees with red hairlines. Swirling around the bark lines, the crimson lighting slowly forming faces. Unlike in the show, however, I practically shit myself at some of them; there were faces that might scare a foal, then there's those that haunt fucking nightmares. I tried to shout for help through the fabric in my mouth, muffled cries being all that formed.
"Calm down, Thunder." Rainbow groaned. "We'll release you...eventually."
"No! She's right there! In the trees!" I was screaming through the mask, falling on deaf ears. Once again, though, my mind was invaded for the 12th time that day. Errr, night.
They ignore you again?
Huh? Oh, it's you...yeah, they are.
It isn't too late for somepony as handsome as yourself to join my ranks. Not only am I the most generous of royalty, I am also the most trusting...
Yep. Sure you are.
Do you deny my voice? I think something must be done about that...
Miss Nightmare, are you trying to seduce me?
No, of course I'm not trying. I'm most likely succeeding. Even from here, I can feel your arousal growing. Just submit: you will not regret it.
Why did you not follow my advice the first time we spoke?
I don't recall. Care to refresh my memory?
I asked you to stop being so damn sexy. Could you please listen to me?
Well...maybe. Depends on what you'll do when I don't. Tee Hee.
...you have no idea how hot I am for you right now.
That's the idea, my dearest Thunder.
What, to get me into the Royal Chambers with you? Why not just turn back to Princess Luna and I'd be more liable to tap that.
...fair play, a fair idea, but not good enough.
Precisely. You shall not succeed in your plan, temptress. Away with ye.
Fine, just don't expect me to leave you be after this.
Good enough.
Very well. I shall be gone.
Good. Leave me to my insanity. And stop invading my mind, you're turning me insane, forget the forest!
Was that not the plan, Thunder?
"...no." I suddenly said aloud. I realized that I was probably having another psychotic attack, so I shook my head to clear my thoughts. Along with that, I tried to stretch my muscles as much as I could with my bonds tightly gripping all four of my legs together and wiggling my body about. I suddenly felt a pressure around my body as the aura around me tightened. It was purple; the same purple as the bonds Twilight put on me.
"Oh no ya don't!" Rainbow laughed, pinning me down. "You're going nowhere."
"What? What are you talking about, you crazy bitch?! I was trying to stop my muscles from falling asleep! You've just been lying on the floor laughing at fucking trees like a stoner, let me at least stretch my legs!" I shouted back at her, my yells of frustration being muffled by the mask. Rarity was stood beside my spectrum-maned attacker, tutting and looking down at me.
"Darling, calm down." she tried soothing, but her accent freaked the shit out of a Brit like myself. "The sooner we get through this ghastly forest, the sooner we can ask Princess Celestia if she might be able to fix your mental health. So, just for the purpose of not being irritated by your muffled outcrys, we're going to cast a sleep spell on you."
"WHAT?!?!?! SHIT NO! GET THE FUCK AWAY!" I screamed once again, now desperate to get out of Rarity's horn's path to my head. A blue aura surrounded the white spike as the elegant mare began to move it to my forehead. Quickly, I rolled out of the way, pushing Rainbow Dash off of me as I did so, and finally forced the bindings apart. I raised a hoof, unwrapped the gag from my mouth, before tying it around my hoof. Twilight looked shocked.
"You can't break magic bindings!" she gasped, narrowing her eyes as she charged what I guessed to be a knockout spell. "That's impossible! You have to be brought down to heel!"
"How does 'No' sound?" I asked sarcastically, as I began to back away from my friends and the mares. Pretty soon I was going to run out of room, so I'd have to fly. I'd then proceed to be brought down by Dash, who would hold me down whilst Twilight did her thing. I suddenly realized I was unarmed, so I couldn't swipe with the knife. Sighing, and admitting defeat, I finally rested on my haunches.
"Fine." I muttered. "I'm insane, you're all sane. It's not like Nightmare Moon has been invading my mind for the past few hours, repeatedly telling me where she was and what she'd do to me if I joined her, or anything..." The sound of magic charging stopped suddenly. Twilight stepped forward cautiously.
"What?" She asked as her eyes narrowed even further than should be possible. "She's 'invading your mind'? How so?"
"I dunno. She's like a voice that keeps popping up; giving out free mind-irritant with her voice and shit." I replied. "I'm not sure how she does it, but she got smug eventually and told me her hideout."
"Where, then?"
"Promise not to do something like taser me to the ground the moment I tell you?" Twilight sighed, before looking up at me.
"Promise."
"Right. She told me it was somewhere in the ruins of the old castle. Moony also decided that she should send mental images into my head, so we have those. I think I know how to get there, follow me, if you will." A few grumbles were heard as I turned tail and trotted towards a small path leading through the foliage. Solar was almost immediately next to me.
"Nice recovery." he whispered. "Is she really saying she'll reward you for conversion?"
"Yes," I replied. "But nopony with that sexy a figure and voice can be telling the truth. Take Rarity for example." I gestured behind to the white mare, telling a 'fabulous' story to Sky, Inferno, and Ebony about how she went gem hunting and found the Changeling hive. We both went silent, before Solar finally spoke up.
"Yeah, definitely bullshit." he laughed as all twelve of us marched up the hill towards the cliff where Twilight nearly falls down. Even I admitted it; fantastic recovery. However, I'd need damn recovery when that Manticore shows up. I knew tha-wait a second...
...when that Manticore shows up...
Manticore shows up...
Manticore...
Manti...
Man...
M...
"Fluttershy?" I called back. I heard a diabeetus inducing squeak behind me, before a tiny voice came in return.
"Y-Yes?" stammered the little vanilla Pegasus, cautiously trotting forward as everypony else stopped.
"There's a Manticore with a splinter up ahead. Come on, I'll need your help." I replied quite casually, as though a pissed off lion/scorpion/some-other-shit mutant animal with a splinter was daily buisness. To Fluttershy, it was. As we both went ahead, murmurring behind signalled that the others were most likely assuming I was going to...I dunno, something, Fluttershy.
"I-Is he hurt?" Fluttershy asked timidly.
"Dunno, might hurt me though." I laughed throatily, causing a worried whimper to come from beside me. "You still have the knife?" Fluttershy reeled back in horror, before angrily glaring at me.
"Don't you DARE touch that animal, you bru-"
"No, no," I raised my hooves defensively. "In case it's stuck in his paw deep. You might need to lever it out."
"Oh, no." Fluttershy responded quickly. "I-I'll use a stick to pull it out."
"Alright, if that's your plan." I replied. "I saw somepony getting shot with the type of weapon I have, the Gun."
"Oh my goodness! I'm so sorry!"
"No problem, don't worry; he got out a screwdriver and pulled the thing out of his body without skipping a beat. Almost as though he did it daily. Plus, same guy snapped his legs back into place after he fell off a small cliff once." Oh yeah. Far Cry 3. Nopony can be as tough as a tourist who seems to have a perfect understanding of how to use guns and how he can kill without flinching. Seriously, Jason Brody probably never even HANDLED a gun, never mind killed somebody with it. Yet somehow, he kills pirates with fire and grenades and shit, without flinching at all. Fucking nutter.
"That's nothing." Fluttershy suddenly said. I almost had a heart attack at that. 'Nothing'? FUCKING NOTHING?! "I once had to pull a shard of iron from my neck when my cooker exploded. I didn't flinch."
"Errr...wow. That's crazy. I didn't think you were the type of pony who'd do that."
A sudden roar up ahead signalled the Manticore was nearby. Fluttershy happily trotted forward, right up to the beast, and lovingly gestured to its paw.
That's fucking precious.

It looks easier in Far Cry 3 because you know what to do.

Already knowing what was going to happen is fun. My friends and I had already foretold a few things that day/night, like Nightmare Moon's return, and where the Elements were, so I was quite reluctant to stand near the cliff edge, especially when Solar and Twilight had locked my wings to my side in order to prevent me from flying off ahead and getting lost or whatever. But either way, I suppose, the cliff was going to fall: I go on it or not. Rainbow Dash was already telling her 'scary' story, to which Fire had responded by explaining The Rake. Rainbow shut up for a few moments, so I had the air to myself. For effect, I crouched incredibly low, raising a hoof for the others to stop.
"What are you doing, Thunder?" Twilight asked. Despite not even facing her, I could already detect an expression of worry on her face. "Are you having another of your attacks?"
"No," I replied in a stereotypical British accent, which came out sounding like the guy from Elementary's voice. "I am merely detecting the future that is to occur within 20 seconds. I believe that this cliff is due to collapse, mainly because of the cracks coming from the edg-"
"You're losing it again." Rainbow groaned to interupt, rolling her magenta eyes.
"Don't cut me off, I am armed with many more brain cells than you."
"Mine still work." Rainbow sneered.
"You have brain cells?"
"More than you."
"I'm sorry, but I have more than ten. You'll have trouble counting them."
"More than TEN? Ooh, intimidating." The both of us were now in each other's faces, glaring angrily as we both traded insults.
"More intimidating than making a rainbow-coloured explosion."
"Don't start."
"I'll fucking 'start' whenever I want. You won't be able to 'stop' being an irritating bi-"
A stone crackling suddenly stopped our exchange in its tracks. All twelve of us stopped, raised our snouts in the air, and looked for the source. Half of us, my friends and I, were feigning confusion; we knew what was to happen next. Suddenly, Sky, Inferno, Rainbow Dash, and Fluttershy took to the air as the ground beneath gave way and sent 8 of us tumbling. I couldn't really tell what was going on those next few moments; I was too busy rolling head over hooves down the rocky slope. At one point, I even thought I heard the sound of Halo's noise that comes up when your shields break. Except it probably wasn't shields. More likely my left foreleg twisting out of place. I yelled in pain loudly, before I felt the ground go beneath me. I instinctively shot up a hoof to grasp the ledge that would save my life, and thankfully my hoof caught into a gap in the rocks. To my right, I could see Twilight in a much better position than I: both forelegs on the ledge with a firm grip, with hind legs waggling to find purchase on another platform. Applejack appeared above her, they performed the monologue. Only half was all I heard: stone was cracking under my hoof that was holding me up.
"No..." I groaned as the stone began to loosen. "ARE YOU SHITTIN' M-" The masonry completely crumbled, destroying the only surface I could grab onto before I began my rapid descent down the 50 metre drop. The world and it's colours melded together in an upwards blur as the ground became increasingly close. In one final attempt to open my wings and save myself, I closed my eyes and used as much energy as possible to break the lock spell.
20 metres...
10 metres...
0 metres.
That's odd. How come I didn't die in a big bloody splatter of...blood? I waited about 3 seconds before opening one eye. The whole world was sideways; my right forehoof lay in front of my field of vision, and every sound was muffled. In my mouth I tasted copper, and my eyes were dulled.
One thing that wasn't dulled, however, was the excessive pain in my left foreleg. Grunting loudly in pain, I picked myself up with my right foreleg and hind legs, before resting on my haunches and checking my leg. The front of the hoof was facing backwards, and vice-versa, causing an exceedingly painful jolt of pain whenever I attempted to move it. My hearing suddenly returned, and hooves cantering towards my location caused me to panic slightly. I grunted in pain once again, enduring the havoc my injury wrought in my body. The hooves finally stopped in front of me.
"Oh dear sweet Celestia!" Rarity cried, stepping forward and looking at the leg with an incredibly shocked expression. "Are you OK?"
"Yep," I replied, wincing as she poked it. "Never -nnnfff!-...better." Twilight remained unconvinced.
"Your leg is dislocated." she groaned. "We'll need to snap it back into place. I'll do it for you, if you want." she smiled.
"Nope, let me." Solar said, stepping forward. "However, I might 'accidentally' snap it the wrong way..." he sniggerex, igniting his horn.

"FUCK NO." I yelled, scrambling back slightly. "I've been smacked in the face by a Manticore, I'll do it! Christ on a fucking bike..." Grasping the injured limb with my free hoof, not even stopping to consider HOW I'm grasping it, I closed my eyes and wrenched the limb away from me. I yelled so loudly, Fluttershy staggered back. I gave a weak smile, before speaking again. "Y'know? I'm just going to pass out now. Ebony catch me." That comment made, I fell forwards, eyes closing, and silently beat the crap out of my luck for spending the opportunity of a Brony's lifetime by being unconcious.

My friends already knew what was about to happen. I didn't; I was too tired, forgetful, and I really couldn't give a shit if Chuck Norris came up and pissed on me at that point. My head was hung low, my eyes were half open, and I was trudging along just behind the group. And almost as if on cue, Nightmare returned to my head.

Oh, are you tired?
Not now...maybe later...
How about a lullaby? Would that help?
Don't even...fucking go there...
Hush now, quiet now...
SHUT THE FUCK UP OR I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL FUCKING KILL YOU.
Wow, calm down.
Sorry, just the tiredness speaking. Well, after that outburst I feel more alert.
...what?
Luna, if you're confused about my mind, leave now.
Stop calling me Luna.
Fine. I still think it's sexier than Nightmare Moon, though.
Oh, stop it, you. You're making me blush.
Wow. Just realized who I'm flirting with.
Seriously? The amount of mental imprints of my plot I've transmitted to your mind, and you just realized?
No, it's just I'm engaged in constant innuendo filled conversations with the ruler of Equestria, 's'all.
How do you kno-
Don't ask.
I might go and get your next trap ready. See you soon, handsome.
You too, gorgeous.
Oh, and Mustang? Watch out.
Wait, wha-
A sudden splash of cold water awoke me from my stupor. I shook my head quickly, all the tiredness gone, and looked quickly in front of me. A raging river had some weird purple ginger splashing about in it, just in front of me stood the girls: sopping wet. I didn't care I was sopping wet, though. I stepped to the side; one piece of the storyline has to stay intact. Suddenly, a hoof fell on my shoulder. Looking quickly behind me, the rather imposing figure of Ebony Chopper towered over me.
"I know what you're thinking about." he smirked.
"What? What then? Hmm? What am I thinking of, hermano?" I replied, my inner Vaas taking over for several seconds, before being beaten down by Jason Brody.
"Dat flank." he grunted, biting his lower lip and conjuring some sunglasses as we both gazed upon the beautiful wet asses. After a moment of silence between us, Sky came in.
"We do NOT fit in here." he laughed. All 6 humans-turned-pony grunted a simultaneous "Yeah." to approve. Suddenly, a rather gay scream split through the air, causing 11 of us, save Rarity, to gasp. She had pulled one of his scales out, clutching it in her prepostorously white teeth, before slicing her tail off and fastening it to the serpent's moustachey stump.. The rest of us breathed a sigh of relief, as Fire Trail spoke up.
"Christ, though she'd killed him!" he snorted, as we all laughed at that idea.
"Aah, the blood would have gone fucking EVERYWHERE!" Sky Wheel replied, wiping a hoof to remove a tear. Suddenly, I realized that Twilight had realized something due to the expression she pulls when confused.
"How are we going to get across the river, guys?" she asked. A sudden 'ahem' from the purple gay thing drifting in the river.
"Allow me!" he politely said, creating a bridge with his body. We all smiled, as the twelve of us began to leap over the lumps. I hadn't done much jumping in my new body, so literally the moment I landed on the first segment all four of my hooves lost all grip. I scrambled my legs about to find purchase, but to no avail: I slipped and tumbled into the water. Thankfully, it wasn't deep, and I landed on a small mound of sand under the water. Spitting out a mouthful of water and wiping the wet mane from my eyes, I heard nothing but laughter coming from the other side of the lake.

"Yep," I sighed, "Fuck you, too. Fuck you."

You're wet.
Oh for god's sake...
I'm wet too.
Will you please just stop it?
Why? I know you're from a different dimension.
...
Yes, the metaphorical sunglasses are removed. I had no hoof in bringing you here, though. That was just out of chance that you ended up here. I don't know if you're here for a reason or not, but either way you won't beat me. To recycle one of your lines, there's no way that somepony that sexy can defeat me.
Seriously? The 'mother of god' meme exists here? Wow.
THAT'S all you're amazed about? I worry about you.
I worry about YOU, too.
Aww, thank you.
Wanna know why I worry?
Because you desire revenge for my electrocution of you?
Yes, that and the fact we are practically outside your hideout.
Come in, darling. It will be wonderful to meet you again.
Same. It'll be an honour to help turn you back into your former, sexy self.
Aw, really? Shame: you won't.
Tough shit.

Almost there...just over this ancient rope bridge that can clearly support our weight...

Just as we reached the bridge-gap, I felt a burden release from my sides. My wings felt free again, and I happily gave them a few flaps. Giving a quick glance over my shoulder, Twilight gave me a wink. Crikey! She had a change of heart! my mind yelled in an Australian accent. I gave the lavender unicorn a nod in return and continued to stretch my wings. The contractions of the wings was intoxicating, like that feeling you get after you've been in a car for too long and you get out. I trotted forward to the edge of the cliff, and then at the other side. The rope bridge on our side was gripped in Rainbow Dash's mouth as she flew over almost without question. A rainbow trail was following the mare as she darted to the other side. Almost casually, the cyan mare landed on the opposite side of the ravine, rope gripped in teeth. I immediately felt compelled to follow, but I saw 3 figures on the other side practically ghost into existence.
"Who are they?" I heard Applejack ask.
"I think this is a trap." I replied. "I doubt 3 pegasi can spontaneously appear without the use of magic; this is clearly a trick."
"Wait a minute..." Twilight suddenly said, stepping forward. "I think...they're trying to stop her from raising the bridge!"
"RAINBOW! IT'S A TRICK!" Applejack shouted over. We all pitched in; shouting for her to ignore them and to raise the bridge. As though it were moving to intercept our shouts, a thick bank of fog spontaneously appeared in front of us.
"Dammit!" Sky shouted, slamming a hoof on the ground. "She'll never hear us!"
"I say one of us flies over and...'removes' those creeps from the equation." Inferno Cloud grunted. Almost all eyes turned to Sky, who turned out to be looking at Inferno, so all eyes turned to him, who was looking at Fluttershy, so all eyes turned to the mare who was looking at you-damn-well-know-who. Sighing, I spread my wings, removed my jacket, before flitting over there. I disappeared in the fog for a few seconds, as did everything else. After all, flying through a cloud generally has this thing of reducing your visibility to zero. Suddenly, muffled voices ahead.
"...if you fix that bridge, you can't join the Shadowbolts!" came a female voice. I increased my speed with faster wing flaps, which in turn cleared some cloud cover. Through the layer of clouds I could partially see through, Rainbow was visible once again. I rapidly looped, before landing beside her.
"Rainbow!" I panted, out of breath from flying quickly. "It's a trick! Don't listen!" Rainbow Dash turned and looked at me, pink eyes looking for a hint of insanity again. When they found none, she listened.
"There's no such aerial group as the Shadowbolts. Think; why would three pegasi conveniently be in a forest, and know everything about you? Look, we need the bridge, Rainbow. Trust me." I fiished my speech by pointing a hoof at the bridge supports. Dash looked torn between two things; the fake chance of a lifetime, or becoming a powerful entity of friendship? After a few seconds, Rainbow turned to the Shadowbolts.
"Sorry," Rainbow smiled. "Love to join your group, but I have to attend to my friends." And with that, she turned tail, put the rope in the holder, and tied it off. A growl came behind, as there was a flash when the three 'pegasi' disappeared.
You foal.
Ha. Awesome, one, Goddess, zero.
You win this time, but when you reach the inner chamber you'll regret your victory.
I'm sorry, what? I can't hear you over the sound of my awesome.
Hmmmm...
Whatcha thinking about, Luna?
Oh, just thinking of your 'punishment' for your treachery.
Sex?
Possibly. If you're lucky. Tee Hee.
Awww, you're so cute when you giggle. Do it again, pleeeaase?
I might do more than just giggle whilst I punish you. Tee Hee.
Awwwww! That's fucking precious!
More where that came from, if you join me.
Nah. Tempting, but just Nah.
Very well. I look forward to our confrontation in a few minutes.
As do I. Can't wait to see how beautiful you are underneath that armour and darkness shit.
Good to speak once more.
Likewise.
"What's up?" Pinkie Pie asked, snapping me out of my trance.
"Oh, Nightmare Moon just invaded my mind because I beat her plan. She claims to be inventing a 'punishment' for us all when we lose. But that won't happen, will it, you guys?"
"NO!" the others shouted back.
"What are we gonna do?"
"BEAT MOONY!"
"And when?"
"NOW!"
"Then LET'S GO!"
This was it. The final run. All twelve of us charged into the castle, roaring battle cries as we cleared corners, leapt pillars, and ran up stairs. We were going to win, nothing could stop us.

One stamina loss later...

Who knew we'd tire so easily? Most likely Nightmare did, because I swear to Faust we'd been climbing these same stairs for 5 minutes. None of us had the stamina to keep running, so we all just trotted slowly, trying to catch our breath after an insane adrenaline rush. The stone steps were occasionally punctuated by moss, cracks, or at some points missing steps entirely. I still had no clue how such a peaceful world would have things like fortresses. There were arrow slits lining the walls: why would Equestria need Archers?
"Wow," I said, breathing heavily. "I feel like flying up these stairs right now." Suddenly, every Pegasus in the group, Rainbow, Fluttershy, Sky Wheel, Inferno Cloud, and me all simultaneously facehoofed. "I feel like a bit of a dumbass now."
"Yeah," Twilight groaned at her own mistake. "I could also have teleported us there." Everypony's pupils shrank at that exact moment.
"Well, let's do that." I said, my eye twitching slightly. Twilight nodded, charged her horn, and we experienced a bright flash of brilliant purple light. I felt nauseous for a second, but that passed quickly. When my eyes stopped being blurred, I took a gander about. Stone floors cracked beyond belief harboured a large number of weeds that entered the chamber through ever crack and crevasse. Vines tumbled in through the windows using sheer pressure and time as their entry method. Darkness still reigned outside, another castle visible through the low mists. The whole vibe of this chamber seemed incredibly eerie, as though something happened a thousand years ago that still haunted the place. Dead centre of the room, however, was what we had come for. Small stone spheres around the size of footballs (Or Soccer ball, if that's your thing), each emblazoned with a simple symbol. All 5 stood on individual pedestals, awaiting their time to (literally) shine.
"Well, here we are guys." Twilight said, sounding quite relieved. I saw a lavender aura appear around the unicorn's horn and the Elements, as all five rocks floated in formation towards her. She carefully set them down, so as not to create so much as a chip. It all seemed rather surgical.
"But there's only five!" Pinkie cried, bouncing up and down next to Twilight. "You said there was six!"
"Well, the book said the sixth element would appear when all five were present. All they need is a spark, that's all. Step back everypony, I don't know what's going to happen."
"I think some of us should head to the other castle." I quickly said. "Y'know, just in case she teleports you there and you have to fight her alone?" I received some dodgy looks for that statement. "Fine, I'll go alone. But I fight her alone, you owe me 20 bits."
"What?" Twilight responded, horn still aglow. "I won't give you money!"
"You shit on floor, you give me 20 euros." I smirked back. The inBetweeners references are almost always fitting.
"Just...go..." Twilight groaned.

"Suit yourself." I smiled back, spreading my wings and taking off quickly. I did a loop, flew to a window at speed, before shutting my wings to dart through the gap. Once on the other side, I rapidly soared over 500 metres to the other castle.

It was dark in the other castle. It's possible that's just how Moony has it, but probably not. Torches did almost nothing to light the corridors, just barely being able to light a 1m x 1m square around themselves. All I knew was that I stood out quite a bit in the dark; bright blue and gold tends not to be the best camoflage. I couldn't help but 'wow' as I entered the main chamber. This one was even bigger than the other castles chamber. Huge cigar-like pillars rose around 50 metres up, to a ceiling made up of a large chapel-like roof. Smashed stained glass windows were lining the long side walls, whilst at the end was a giant one. The floor was dark, the roof was dark, the walls were dark, everything was dark. But, since this was a cartoon, I could see quite easily that Nightmare Moon was not here. I did know, however, that Twilight would be here soon, so to pass the time I sat on my haunches as I sang 'Bassline Junkie' by Dizzee Rascal.
"...big dirty stinkin' bass, dirty stinkin' bass...~~" I sang, the echoes spreading throughout the entire castle. If the show was accurate, as it has been so far, Twilight should appear in several minutes. I used these to my advantage; I flew to a decent position where I could land on Nightmare, I smoothed through my fur, mane and tail, before preparing a ready stance. Finally, I would face the legend, alongside characters I thought were fictional.
This was it.

Oooh, Kinky Cuffs.

Thunder...wake uuuup...
A voice? Why'd it go dark?
Wakey wakey, eggs and bakey...
Are you shitting me? I fucking FELL ASLEEP?!?
Somepony special is here...Up you get...
Christ, fine, I'm bloody waking up.
"Bloody hell, you made your point..." I mumbled, struggling to open my eyes. I was immediately greeted by a blinding beam of light shattering through the stained glass windows and shattering my eyesight. I groaned loudly, closing my eyes again and raising a hoof to defend the primary defence layer. On top of that, I pushed my mane into my eyes to serve as a tertiary defends that defends my second layer of defence so that can defend my first layer. Xhibit would be proud.
"Morning, sleepyhead." came the aggrovating voice again. I recognised it as a female voice, but not one I'd heard before. "Or should I say, 'Sir' Sleepyhead?" What? Sir? Why would that be in the title...?
"What...just g'way...I'm tired, insane, and your voice is pissing me off..." I muttered, rolling onto my belly and closing my eyes.
"Very well, my little brony..." WAIT, WHAT THE SHIT?!?! " If you would prefer NOT to meet the ruler of the land you dreamed of going to, then I shall honour that." Now, normally a brony would do something clichè like open their eyes the moment that's said. I didn't, I just absent-mindedly flailed one of my hooves about behind me. "Oh? You don't enjoy your knighthood?"
"What..." I muttered, muffled by the ground. I was still on the concrete floor, and it was hurting my snout a lot. "I bet I'm just dreaming...or some shit...and why give me a...thingy..." I honsestly didn't care what occured right now; I was too tired. For all I care I could be in Canterlot Dungeons and still be trying to sleep.
"Well," came the female voice again, abeit with a warm chuckle. "To lay your idea to rest that you're insane: No." My eyes snapped open now, ignoring the sunbeams. "I repaired your mental state as you were...occupied at the time."
"With what?" I quickly asked. "What could be so occupying that you neglected to inform me that you were going to fix my mental health?" I looked behind me at who it was speaking in such a motherly tone. And, stood above my lying-down figure, was the sun-goddess herself: Princess Celestia. She was even more fantastical than the show portrayed; flowing hair produced its own light and flowed freely in solar winds, magenta eyes, a quick smile, the regalia, all there. I gasped in awe, but then stopped giving a shit. I felt my open eyes drop to the usual unenthusiastic position they were usually in, my mouth closed, and I sighed loudly as I stood up.
"You were unconcious, Thunder Mustang." She replied. "After my sister...occupied you." My heart froze as I blinked.
"Did she...you're saying...oh, my god...me...and your sister...Nightmare Moon...errfmmmmffggg..." I just droned on like this for what felt like fifty minutes. I was looking around a lot, sweating, and felt like passing out. Celestia simply rolled her eyes, and put a golden shoe under my chin. I had no choice but to look into her eyes, but her reassuring smile told me not to worry.
"Not like that, you immature little brony." she chuckled. Her voice was still eargasmic. "She took control of your mind and body whilst you were alone. You were lucky that Applejack gave you a reboot."
"I'm...not sure I follow...?" I replied, still looking at her face.
"She bucked you really hard in the head."
"Right...that explains the headache...but how did you know my friends and I-"
"I know a lot about you six." Celestia warmly replied. She didn't even seem angry that we lied about our lives. "After all, the only humans to ever arrive in Equestria: they enjoy it! Last time another race came here, it was Griffons, they hated it here. A few stay here, but otherwise, no."
"Ok." I sighed, closing my eyes. The image of Celestia's deep pink eyes was still etched into my eyes. "I'm going to guess you confiscated the gun?" Opening my eyes, I saw Celestia's gaze harden.
"Of course I did." Celestia frowned. "Equestria's top scientists are working on more peaceful uses for it, and a special branch has been inventing..." She paused.
"More guns?" I said, rather hopefully I might add. Celestia gave a glare, and I nearly shit myself. Looking away, so as not to have a heart attack, I decided to take in my surroundings. I was still in the old castle, except on the ground in the main chamber. Originally, to the best of my memory, I was on a small stone perch above the central platform, overlooking rows of pillars. And, thanks to Celestia's return, the room was illuminated once more with a bright glare of sunlight being refracted about the place by the stained glass windows. However, looking on the floor, I could see a splat of red, with a trail leading from there to me. Must have been one fucking insane kick.
"Anyway," Celestia continued, standing up. I didn't even notice she'd been kneeling; she seemed tall enough already. "I have NOT knighted you, I have simply given you an honour title. For your service to Equestria." I found myself rather relieved.
"Woah, I did NO service to your country, ma'am." I suddenly found my voice raised. "If anything, I nearly killed your student during my possession and if I'd succeeded I would have destroyed the entire history of Equestria." Celestia turned once more, giving a forgiving gaze. I found it rather strange how I instinctively knew what gaze-type Celestia was giving; maybe it was hardwired into a pony's brain?
"Maybe," she replied, "But you assissted my pupil and her friends in getting here, and despite a few ragged moments, you saved her life on more than one occasion. How would she have known about the Manticore in the path, or that the cliff would collapse? Your friends and you are heroes."
"Speaking of my friends, where are they?" I asked quickly. I don't know if I'd injured them in any way during my...possession. A sudden voice came from over the hall ringing around the room.
"He's alive!" shouted Solar, and a cheer arose from the others.

"And may I also ask," I turned to Celestia, "Why does all the bad shit happen to me? I feel like the main character in some kind of crappy story."

"Y'know," I said to Celestia as we trotted back through the Everfree Forest, "I always wanted ta run for the President o' the United States."
"Really?" she asked, looking down on me once again. She seemed genuinely interested. Probably not.
"Yep," I replied, not even shifting my gaze from the road ahead. "I wouldn't run on a Democratic platform, or the Republican platform, or the Independent platform. Me? I'd run on a go-FUCK-yourself fuckin' platform!"
Celestia looked mildly annoyed.
"Would you please stop using obscenities?" she asked quite...er, politely/angrily? "It doesn't really help with your public image. Be like your friends, talk to somepony and don't...swear so much, if you would?"
"Sorry, still a bit nuts. You can't fix all the shit in my head. Most of the bits are missing, and my parents lost the instructions the day I was born."
"I can see that..." Celestia mumbled, looking ahead rather stressfully.
"Heard that."
"You were supposed to."
"Aaah, I already don't like you."
"The same could be said for you."
"The Hyperion corporation seems more fun than you. Heh heh."
"Hyperion?"
"Nothin-OW." A solid object thwacked me on the back of the head. Turning around to see what it was, I saw Twilight, looking rather angrily at me.
"Thunder, apologize." she said sternly.
"But mom, she started it!" I laughed.
"Do you want me to cuff you?" Twilight growled.
"Oooh, kinky."
"I take that as 'yes', then." Twilight sighed. I heard magic charging, and I was flipped upside down. Looking...up, I suppose, I saw that we were off the beaten track and instead trotted on cobblestone road. It turns out I was going to be put on Ebony's back again. As I landed on his back, I huffed loudly.
"Hey." Ebony said quite casually. He was probably used to my weight by now. "Pissed off Celestia ALREADY? That's an academy record."

"Ha ha. Now shut the fuck up."

I cracked all of my leg bones when I stood. Damn, it felt good to walk. Celestia had disappeared to 'prepare' with Luna, my friends and I were left in the centre of town with a small crowd of ponies, and the Elements had a huge crowd. Sky was busy soaking up the mares: most of them did flock to him, after all. I don't see why the rest of us received less attention. However, after 5 minutes of watching Sky impress the ladies, I did receive some attention. Lyra and Bon-Bon trotted up looking quite impressed.
"Thunder!" Bon (I shall call her 'Bon' now. I can't be fucked to reach for the hyphen key.) called. She approached, and I raised a hoof to shake hooves. Instead I received a crushing hug. Every ounce of air left my lungs as both mares wrapped hooves around my neck. I did not receive a wing boner, thankfully, but if I did I would have been forever alone. When they finally...er, unhugged? Yeah. When they finally unhuggex, I had my first non-interrogative conversation for a while.
"Hey guys!" I replied warmly, whilst trying to kill the thief that stole the air from my lungs. "Guess who's back?"
"You guys are, yes." Lyra rolled her eyes. "I didn't catch their names...?" she motioned for me to name them. I nodded, turned to the others, and shrugged.
"I can't be bothered to name you all. Can you guys do it?" I asked.
"Right then." Ebony sighed. "I'm Ebony Chopper, pleased to meet you." he said to the mares, sticking out a hoof to shake. He received what I did, and I saw him turn slightly blue. When the girls unhugged (that's my new favourite fucking word.), Inferno continued on.
"I'm Inferno Cloud, nice to speak to somepony who isn't crazy." he jabbed a hoof towards me.
"Shut the hell up."
"Well, my name is Fire Trail, and he's a bit nuts." Fire said, pointing at me.
"I'll snap that fucking hoof off in a minute."
"Sure." Solar sighed. "Anyway, I'm Solar Blaze, I'm 24, single, and looking for love."
"More likely, you found a way to be kicked in the head." I snorted, causing a round of laughter. "And Lord High-and-Mighty of the mares over there is Sky Wheel." I pointed to the green Pegasus with the black mane being tossed up and down into the air. "No idea why they praise him." I muttered.
"Well, it's good to see you all in one piece." Bon beamed. "Especially after the cliff, the Manticore, the water serpent, Applejack...ugh."
"Yeah, that was a pretty badass kick in the head." Solar coughed. "Blood went everywhere."
"I didn't feel it, though, so good." I nodded.
"Why not?" both mares asked.
"Well..." I began to tell the tale. Within a few minutes ponies gathered all around to hear our tale of adventure and excitement. And for me? Broken leg. No big deal. Big pain though.

Author's Note

If you're reading this, go to an insane asylum. The floor is bouncy, medicine and jackets are on the right, I'm a chocolate biscuit, and the Unicorn in the corner of the room does not like to be poked.

Where can six guys live in peace? Nowhere. Probably. Anyway, drinking games!

"...I discovered the magic of friendship, and now I have to leave my friends." Twilight sighed sadly. The other girls seemed really upset as well, and the rest of the town's population looked sad, too. I didn't; I knew what would happen. So did the other five guys. Ignoring the situation, we all casually drank...this weird red stuff, all the while quietly discussing how to deal with later events.
"We gonna go with the girls to confront Zecora?" Sky asked, chugging the red stuff.
"Yeah, I think we should. I just want to see what happens with the poison joke and us. All my non-existent monies are on one of us becoming a mare. Some money is on a Morgan Freeman voice change."
"Yeah, that'll be jokes!" Solar snorted. "Applejack starts saying like 'What's wrong with you?' and Morgan Freeman just says 'Well, it appears I have god's voice.' Good times."
"Uh huh." Fire replied. "Let's just focus on the moment; I say we have a drinking contest with some stallions. Thunderlane, Big MacIntosh, Doctor Whooves, and probably Roid Rage."
"I bet Thunderlane holds cider like a bawss." I mused. "I haven't seen him around here, wonder where he is?" Suddenly, the crowd behind us cheered for the reason they did during episode 2: Twilight was staying. Rolling my eyes, I was about to have another drink when Celestia called out for us.
"I have something for you stallions, would you please come forth?" she warmly stated. Ebony probably got the wrong idea, as when we all trotted into the centre of the crowd he had the creepiest smile ever. However, I, like the other 4, was worried. Centre of a crowd, in front of the ruler of the land, and she's smiling.
"Why is she smiling?" I leaned and whispered to Fire Trail. "This is terrifying. I want to go to a home. Not our home, which we don't have one here yet, but any home." Celestia cleared her throat.
"Thunder Mustang, Ebony Chopper, Fire Trail, Inferno Cloud, Solar Blast, and Sky Wheel, by Royal Decreee, I-"
"OH GOD PLEASE DON'T KILL US!" I suddenly blurted, sealing my eyes tight and curling up on the floor in a ball. The audience around was laughing, and as far as I could tell, Celestia was too. Just before I could initiate self-destruct countermeasures, a hoof held my shoulder.
"I...am...not...looking...up....you....will...probably...melt...my...face..." I mumbled through the ground. The hoof left my shoulder, and thinking it was safe, I remained as a small little ball that could not be harmed. Suddenly, the sound of magic was heard. And then the floor moved away as Celestia levitated me back onto my hooves. I kept my eyes closed.
"Yep, I'm dead." I whined quietly.
"As I was saying, by Royal Decree, I am officially granting you six stallions Equestrian Citizenships. You are to live in Ponyville, and do as my student does, by sending friendship letters each week. Are we clear?" she stated warmly/sternly/bemusedly.
"Erm..." I tapped a hoof to my chin, opening one eye, then the other. I turned to the other five. "Guys? Do we want citizenship?"
"Do I need to answer?" Sky smiled in reply. "Yes!" The crowd cheered at his answer.
"Ebony?" I asked.
"Ooooh, yeah. Beautiful town, beautiful people, what more could I ask for?" Once again, the crowd cheered.
"Inferno?"
"Yes. Yes. Yes. You've got 3 Yes'. You're through." Crowd cheering.
"Solar?"
"Yep." Crowd cheered.
"Fire?"
"I'll be happier here than a dwarf digging a hole! Yes!" Crowd cheered even louder.
"And you?" Celestia asked. "Do you accept my offer of citizenship in return for loyalty?"
Everybody went silent as I thought.
"...no, I don't just accept it." The crowd stared open mouthed. "I'll take your offer with goddamn open arms! Yes!" The crowd roared and stomped hooves, causing punctuation between the cheering. Celestia smiled, before suddenly disappearing.
"Well boys, we made it!" I shouted to the other five guys. "Equestria is our home now!"

"Hell yeah!" The others replied.

The first ponies we spoke to after that were the girls. We didn't find them, they found us. Rarity spontaneously launched forward and tackled Fire Trail in a hug.
"Welcome to Equestria!" she cried. Fire looked utterly elated that she was hugging him, and just laughed along with it. However, I simply looked Twilight in the eyes.
"Guess who's staying?" I smugly stated. Twilight rolled her eyes.
"Well, not the insane version of you." she smirked.
"Fair play." I laughed.
"Ditto." she replied.
"All of our conversations gonna be like this?"
"Yep."
"Good."
"Nice speaking to you." I extended a hoof to shake.
"Likewise." Twilight shook my hoof firmly, and we parted ways. I smiled. That was a fun conversation. I thought. I hope that's how they all pan out.
"Hey Thunder!" Sky called from some distance behind. Looking over, I saw that my friends, and the girls, and a bunch of stallions (some of which I recognised) were walking along together towards one building I knew I'd spend all my time at. 'Gustav's Bar' said the neon sign. "You comin'? We're gonna have a drinking contest!"
"I'm in!" I called, cantering after them. "Wait up!"

I knew I would get utterly smashed tonight.
Alongside the Elements of Harmony.

I bet Fluttershy won't get past drink 1.

"Another one! Bring it over!" Fluttershy slurred after her fourth glass of Gryphonian Vodka. Apparently that stuff was stronger than it looked, because one of the vanilla mare's eyes was half open and the other fully open in a drunken gaze. The audience that had gathered was larger than I'd thought, because I'd lagged behind by 20 minutes when I had a chat with Colgate. Ironically, she had the job of breaking old teeth to be used as bone meal. So, not a dentist then.
But when I actually arrived at the bar, it seemed extremely similar to the bar in How I Met Your Mother. In fact, there was 5 ponies in one booth, and one had a suit and blonde mane. The rest looked quite similar to the show; wooden bar, burly pony behind serving drinks, a bunch of tables, green wallpaper, the like. The others were sat around one cubicle, throwing back shots and pints as the crowd watched and cheered.
"How many has she...?" I asked Thunderlane.
"I dunno, think this is, like, her sixth or seventh. Bucking unreal." he replied over the cheering. It seemed he was loving it.
"How drunk do you think she is? Isn't Gryphonian Vodka insanely powerful?" I asked, now slightly worried.
"I bet she's more drunk than Berry, right now." he said, motioning to Fluttershy's opponent. Berry Punch was sat rather awkwardly opposite the shy mare, looking at her second glass quite cautiously. Fluttershy, meanwhile, was stacking up the glasses beside her, wickedly looking at the purple mare opposite.
"...Hmmm..." I thought, tapping a hoof to my chin. "Wonder if it's done here...?"
"What?" Thunderlane asked, looking at me.
"Well, you know my friends and I aren't from around here, right?"
"Another dimension, yeah."
"Well, in some countries on Earth, they did a...risky drinking game, shall we put it."
"How risky?" Thunder asked, his ears pricking up at the word.
"Balance a scorpion on your hoof, then you have to take a shot without disturbing it. Then, throw it on the table and flip your glass over it. Sound good?"
"Woah." he replied, grinning at the idea. "Where can we get a scorpion, though?"
"I dunno, that's why I was wondering if it was done here." I facehoofed. Looking over at Applejack, I had an idea. Cider Maker should know aaaall about drinking games. Maybe I should ask her. My quest set, the objective marker appeared and I began to trot around the table to the orange mare. She seemed to detect me anyway, even through the brow of the brown hat. Looking at me rather confusedly, she gave a nod.
"Hey." I said quite casually.
"G'day." she replied. "Y'all need somethin'?"
"Yes, actually." I nodded. "Well, being from a different dimension, as you know, my race has...different customs. Drinking games included."
"Yeah, go on..." Applejack seemed interested.
"Ok. This may sound dangerous, but just listen, alright?"
"Mmkay."
I began my explanation, with each word she seemed more interested.
"Sound good? And, er, legal?" I asked.
"Y'all bet it's good soundin'. A mite unsafe though."
"Knew you'd say that." I rolled my eyes.
"That's why it's so darn good." she smirked. "Hey Rainbow, get over here, would ya?" The spectrum-maned mare drifted over lazily.
"Yep." she casually greeted.
"Listen t' this feller, he's got a drinkin' game. And ah know you just looooove cider." Applejack smirked.
"Ok, I'm in. Is it dangerous?" Rainbow looked quite confused.
"You bet it is. Scorpions, shots, it's got it all." I laughed. Rainbow looked interested now. Very interested.

"It goes like this..." I began.

One hour later, after some scorpion catching...

A single bead of sweat ran down my forehead, dripping from my blue and yellow mane. There, less than an inch from my eyes, was the threat; a King Scorpion. Though exceedingly small, that made it all the more deadlier as I gazed into its several dozen eyes. But I couldn't stop now. I had my life and social life on the line. The crowd had gone silent, all eyes intently staring.
I took a breath, and began to take the shot. Tipping slowly, so as not to piss off the scorpion, I carefully drank the shot little by little, until it got to a point where I could down it and throw the scorpion. The crowd roared its approval as the little black insect landed on the table and I put the glass over it.
"OH!" I yelled, grinning like a madpony as I threw my hooves in the air. "OH! WHO SAID DANGER? WHO? NEVER TELL ME THE ODDS, BABY!"
"Nice one, bro!" Thunderlane laughed, putting a hoof on my shoulder. "I bet you're gonna take it easy for the rest of the evening?"
"Yeah." I sighed.

A house? What? Why would we need th-ooooh, it's a bit chilly.

Twilight took the night off early, as did Inferno. Unsurprisingly, Rarity made some...comments on what she thought they'd do. So we mostly ignored her. Drinking my 3rd pint of Sweet Apple Acres cider, I suddenly stopped to consider; where would we be living? I couldn't bear another damn night in the woods, or being unconcious, so we'd need a house. I instinctively turned to the only sober unicorn I knew in town: Twilight. Making it unclear that I was leaving, I slipped past a barely concious Lyra who was laid out on the floor and trotted through town quietly.

Shadows were my friend./The darkness my catalyst./Unto Twilight's house.

Just, ah, a Haiku...I wrote on the spot...yep. Anyway, the moment I saw the library I knew something was going on inside. All of the windows were dark, save the lower floor, where a dim orange glow illuminated condensation-covered windows with a warm light. The door looked closed. Well, no shit there. I decided no big entrance was necessary, and rapped my hoof on the door.
"Come in!" Twilight called from inside. I obliged, pushing the door open slowly.
"Hey." I greeted. Unsurprisingly, Inferno and Twilight had not been having le sex. They had been playing a simple game of poker; the winnings being money. Both looked utterly determined; so determined that both had glasses on and a determined gaze of determinedness. "Got bored at the partying outside, everypony is utterly pissed out of their heads, and I realised that my friends and I have no house."
"Mmhmm." Twilight mumbled in response, not taking her eyes from her cards. "Already been discussed."
"W-What?" I stuttered, utterly amazed that she had already figured it out. "Where then?"
"We're waiting for Celestia to return, right Inferno?"
He nodded in return, pink eyes not even daring to avert from the playing cards. He blew a strand of white mane from his eyes, before putting forward a few bits.
"O...Kay?" I murmured, trotting over to a random bookshelf labelled 'H'. Might as well see what ponies think of humans...
"Hands...hand grenades...horror...humans. There." I said aloud. I pulled the book out,sat on my haunches and began to read its title.

The humans are real let me show you why By Psycho Badflank.

"Psycho Badflank?" I muttered, thinking the name over as to what human thing it may reference. "Flank = Ass...Psycho Badass...Badass Psycho? Christ, another gaming reference? Bloody hell." I made a note to see how many gaming references I come across here, and began reading.

A Foreword by the Author
MEAT PUPPETS TO WEAR! MY HEAD CAROUSEL IS BURNING! NEVER GONNA GIVE YOU UP!
- Psycho Badflank

"Yeah, that guy's nuts." I said quietly. The sound of money being moved around and the occasional 'hmmmm' from either of them punctuated the silence. Undeterred by the rather...odd introduction, I read on.

Chapter 1 - Human Anatomy
HUMANS HAS LOTS UF HEDS I TINK ABOUT NIN AND I NO BECUZ I HAV MI HEAD CAROUSEL TO PLAY WITH MOMA SAYS NOT TO RITE A BUK BUT I'M A NAUGHTY PONY AND I ROTE THIS BUK

"Oh, Christ, I cannot read this." I groaned, putting it back on the shelf. Just before I could ask Twilight why the book was even published, a golden flash suddenly lit up the room for a second, before the sound of paper hitting the floor followed. Twilight got up, a small smile on her face, and levitated the letter to her quite fluently. She removed the golden seal, and read the letter aloud.

My dearest Twilight,
It was of no fault of their own that our new citizens have no place to stay; that was simply my mistake. A building team has been sent to Ponyville, to begin work on a home suitable for those 6 stallions. In the meantime, I expect you to shelter a few in your new home, and I have also sent a letter to Applejack, stating that a few may be staying in their barn. As far as I know, building the new house will take little more than a week. Be sure to send those friendship reports I told you about.
Princess Celestia
(PS: Good luck. Seriously.)

"Hey, that last part was an insult!" I said quite angrily, flaring my wings out. I realised the other part of it, before lowering my wings again. "Dayum. Ebony would probably be making some sexual comment by now."
"So we're staying with you?" Inferno asked hopefully. "Like, in the same house?"
"Yes, but only one of you could actually stay here." Twilight replied, adjusting her glasses. "I only have one spare bed, as far as I know from my limited walk around the house. If anypony else wanted to sleep here, they'd be sleeping in the basement or in here." She said, gesturing to the central room we were in.
"Gladly." I said, opening the door to the basement. It wasn't that bad actually, there was a small recliner in there, as well as a bundle of fabric in the corner. Suddenly, the head of a rat popped out, twitched its nose a few times, before popping back into the fabric. The chair, meanwhile, had what appeared to be a dead raccoon on it. Upon seeing these, I turned around.
"Ahahaha - No." I groaned. "I'll sleep in here; Inferno could sleep on the extra bed if that wouldn't be a problem?" I asked. Twilight nodded, turned to Inferno and smiled.
"I think you owe him one, then." she laughed. "Would you follow me please?"
Just as I lay down on a cushion in front of the fire, I watched Inferno Cloud and Twilight head up the stairs. I could have sworn I saw Inferno mouthing the words 'I owe you one' before I lost sight of him. The warmth of the fire easily sent me to sleep.
Equestria, I thought, It's better here.

Mental note: I need a holiday. Maybe to Gryphonia.

I was actually smiling that day as I trotted beside my good friends through Ponyville. In spite of all the dodgy looks, and my strange urge to fly up and divebomb the fountain, it was a good day. Sun was shining high in the sky, ponies were laughing and talking and doing pony-like things, and there was nearly no clouds in sight. All it needed now was somepony to start doing some big musical number, and it would be complete. The six of us realised at some point that we'd need money, so we decided today we'd go job-hunting: no lie-ins, no tax-evasion, no excuses. We would be finding ways to get income today, and it seemed that luck was on our side.
"Ideas?" Inferno asked from the front of the group. "We haven't a clue what jobs we could do."
"Well," Sky said from near the back of us, "I've been thinking I could join the weather patrol. Thunder could help me, and you could too. If they accept humans, that is." I laughed quickly.
"What, you think this is like 1950's America?" I snorted. "I doubt a place like Equestria has Racism. And if there was, the KKK would get utterly destroyed out here: Ponies would hate them, like they should. I don't know who'd even be in the Equestrian Individuality Klan, or whatever it'll be called; Gryphons? Minotaurs? Earth Ponies and Pegasi kicking out Unicorns?"
"Ok, ok, we get it." Solar sighed. "I don't think we should bring things up like that here. I-It wouldn't go down well. Ever. Anyway, weather patrol seems good. We need to know how you guys'd sign up, though..." All six of us stopped next to the park gates. That was a point: if you have to go to, I dunno, Cloudsdale, how would we get there? None of us know where the damn place is, never mind how to get there. We all decided the best thing to do was ask around.
"I'll go find Rainbow Dash." Sky Wheel said quickly, shooting off before any of us could argue. We all facehoofed with an audible bonk.
"Yep, course he would." Inferno groaned. "Maybe...I could ask Derpy? Or Ditzy, whatever?"
"Good idea. Hopefully." I replied, looking around for anypony else. My mind clicked all of a sudden. "I could just ask Thunderlane!" I said a bit louder than expected, as everypony nearby suddenly looked at us. "Erm...yep. Thunderlane. You guys just look for jobs. Fire, why not see if there's any vacancy at Sweet Apple Acres?"
"Yeah, that's an idea." Fire nodded. "Ebony, you like delivering mail? Sure you do. Go to the Post Office."
"Wha-?" Ebony clearly hadn't been listening. The look of shock on his face was priceless. All attempts to argue back were met by stern glares. Finally, he sighed with defeat. "Fine..." he groaned, before charging his horn quickly and disappearing in a flash of light. We had no idea where he'd gone.
"Errr...Solar?" I thought through all possible job vacancies. "Try...and see...um...hmm. Inferno, I need ideas."
"I'm out." he shrugged.
"Oooh!" I suddenly realised. "Go speak to Rarity! She might need help gem hunting!" Solar's smile grew, as he did the same thing Ebony did and disappeared.
"Meet back here?" I asked Inferno and Fire.
"Yep."
"Yeah."
"Good. Off we go..."

And with that, we all shot off in different directions.

Flying overhead, I couldn't see Thunderlane. My vision was obscured by clouds, and I would only find him if I crashed into him like two ships in fog. Undeterred, I flew below the clouds. It was easier to see now; I was just above Sweet Apple Acres' stream thingy. But the rest of things were invisible from through the trees. Just before I gave up hope, I heard voices.
"Thanks fer helpin' me out, Twilight." came Applejack's voice.
"No problem, Applejack." Twilight replied. I followed the source of the voices, finally getting lost in the bushes. I took that opportunity to land, and swear loudly.
"Fuck!" I yelled as I smacked a hoof on the floor.
"Thunder?" Twilight suddenly said from behind. (Heh Heh) I turned quickly, and saw Applejack and Twilight looking rather at me with relatively mixed looks of disgust and confusion. I giggled in embarassment, turning.
"Ha, err...hi?" I laughed. "I was looking for Thunderlane. Have you seen him?"
"Who's Thunderlane?" Twilight cocked her head.
"Y'know, black fur...grey Mohawk...bit of an ass?" I asked, gesturing with my hoof. I was met with confused glances from the cowpony and librarian. "I was with him at the party a while back."
"No...not ringing bells." Twilight muttered. As if to stop the conversation from being awkward, there was a sudden flash of gold as a scroll hovered in the air.
"As if on cue." I groaned.

My faithful student Twilight...

By the time she was finished, Applejack looked excited beyond belief.
"The Grand Gallopin' Gala?" she excitedly yelled.
"Gallopin' The Gala Grand?" I yelled in reply, looking at her with my best Nicholas Cage face. She looked so excited still, as though she were a child on Christmas. And so, she launched into a monologue of what she'd do with the tickets. I looked uninterested: because I'd seen it before.
"An' what would y'all do with the ticket, Thunder?" Applejack turned and asked me.
"Get bored, lose it, wipe my arse with it, eat it, sell it, burn it, drop it down the gutter, I dunno." I shrugged. "All I know is: you'll be the centre of attention with two tickets, Twilight. Best decide who you're taking."
"Why?" Twilight asked, looking at me as though I'd just told her I was a ghost. "Do YOU want to go?"
"Hell no!" I shot back. "It sounds boring. Anything with more than 5 syllables in its name is boring."
"What?" she reeled back, confused. "Like Princess Celestia? How could you say that about such a kind and benevolent ruler?"
"I just did." I snorted. "Other things include: The Gryphonian Capital, Princess Mi Amore Cadenza, Spike the Purple Dragon, The Royal Canterlot Gardens, and Young Miss Twilight Sparkle. Those are all the things I can think of."
"B-But...those are all dear to me! Well, except the first one." she grinned. "Gryphonia really is boring."
"Agreed." I replied with a nod. "But anyway: I'm not interested."
"Alright," Twilight rolled her eyes. "Looks like I'm taking you, AJ."
"I wouldn't be so sure, Twily."
"Don't call me that...Thundy."
"Heh, that's pretty good. Fair play."
"Thank you."
"Anyway, inbound Rainbow Dash: three, two, one..."
As if on my cue, a spectrum bashed into the girls, followed closely by a green and black crumple. The latter of which promptly crashed into the dirt, rolled a bajillion times, before crashing into a tree. I recognised both: Sky Wheel was the tree impacter, and Dashie was the former that tackled Twilight and Applejack. Trotting casually over to Sky's body, I looked over him.
"So," I laughed. "How was your job interview?"

Screw it: Talk in Haikus to them to calm them down!

I couldn't see much from behind the crate, but I could hear them. Their futile attempts at answering the crowd's questions were clearly going to fail.
"You see, there's nopony behind there." Sky lied. "That's just him testing a new hologram technology for, uh, Twilight. Yeah."
"Yep. He's invisible, you won't know where he is until the hologram disappears." Inferno stated firmly. Yeah, just reference Borderlands 2. They're clearly not going to know that I'm some kind of fucking ninja assassin called Zer0. I thought angrily. Nice one. Anyway, I need a damn escape plan... I began to look around the small alleyway I'd carefully selected by running and ducking into it. A few ledges, a ladder, a small grate with what appeared to be a tunnel under it...no, nothing of use. Deciding my best option was for the other two to discourage the crowd, or for them to all explode, I simply stayed quiet.
"HI!" came a sudden voice that scared the living crap out of me. Instinctively, I leapt out of cover, and yelled at the top of my lungs.
"SON OF A BIIITCH!" I shouted. It strangely sounded like Handsome Jack. "PINKIE GET THE HELL AWAY FROM ME!"
"WHY YOU HIDING?" Pinkie began asking. "WHO FROM? OOH, OOH! HIDE AND SEEK? I LOVE THAT GAME? WHO ARE WE HIDING FROM?"
"I'm hiding fro-ooooooh, shit." I slowly looked to my right. The whole crowd was looking hungrily at the tickets tied to my side. I wanted to fly off, but I could see Rainbow there at the front. So, my brain had a massive shit. "I was never here/your eyes simply deceive you/I love holograms." Are you fucking kidding me...? Haikus? Really?
"Mr Mustang!" I heard one stallion shout. "I'll go with ya! It's me, Caramel! Your buddy!"
"I've never met you/stop trying to deceive me/they're Twilight's tickets." I yelled back.
"I'll give you 100 bits!"
"Oh, now you try bribes?/I'm already one rich bitch/bribes are for bad cops." I replied. I noticed that the crowd had pushed past Inferno and Sky, and were gradually pushing forward.
"Why are you speaking in poetry?" Rainbow yelled, darting forward in front of my face.
"Haikus are awesome/do not diss my poetry/where's my bowl of soup?" I yelled, backing up. Suddenly, I hit the wall.
"Now you're just stalling, hand 'em over!" she replied angrily, trying to grab them.

"You asked for it..." I muttered. "SKY! STOP STARING AT RAINBOW'S ASS!" It received the reaction I expected; Sky reeled back with a shocked expression on his face, and Dash stopped glaring at me and instead flew off back to Sky, lunged at him, and threw up a cartoon cloud of violence. Using the distraction, I instantly spread my wings and shot off upwards into the sky, my course set for the library.

By the time I'd landed on the balcony, every ounce of energy I had was spent. I was sweating, panting for breath, and my wings hung by my sides uselessly. But I felt safe at the same time; I'd reached my objective, now I just had to turn in the quest. In fact, when I did get inside, back into my temporary home, I would most likely just flop down onto the cushion I'd slept on last night and just pass out. These thoughts in mind, I tapped a hoof on the door and waited.
Eventually, Twilight came to open the doors. "You know, there's something called a front door..." she sighed as she opened the doors.
"I'm sorry, were you just being hunted down by everypony in Ponyville? Did you just sacrifice your friend's injury-free streak to deliver two pieces of paper?" I panted back.
"The first one, yes. The second, no. What happened?" Twilight inquired, leading me inside.
"Caught Sky staring at Rainbows flanks while she tried to grab the tickets. I pointed it out, and Dashie leapt on him and, I assume, began beating him up." I chuckled at the thought.
"Well, that was cruel." Twilight laughed, as we descended the stairs. "Except I'm assuming you might be trying to play matchmaker."
"Nah." I yawned. "I don't know if any of my boys like anypony in Equestria...more than a friend." I lied. I knew exactly who liked who; Ebony Chopper was gunning for Princess Celestia, Inferno Cloud was going for Twilight, Fire Trail was going for Rarity, Sky Wheel was having a tough time trying to get Rainbow Dash, Solar Blast was after Applejack, and I was pursuing Princess Luna. That kind of Intel is something you don't pass around.
"Well," Twilight rolled her eyes. "I think I know who your friend Inferno likes."
"Oh, really?" I feigned interest.
"Well, I'm probably...going to guess...me?" she whispered, looking slightly embarassed.
"No way." I gasped, pulling my best Nicholas Cage face.
"I know!" she looked excited. "He looks at me for a long time, he cleans the house, and runs all my errands. Seemingly just for my praise!"
"You're joking!" I laughed. She was really getting into this. It would be awkward if he, like walked i-
"Thunder! I'm alive!" He yelled as the door slammed open.
"...and to be honest, I kind of like Inferno, too!" Twilight claimed.
"Twilight. He's right there." I said, stifling my laughter.
"Are...are you joking?" Inferno whispered, looking on with shock and confusion. Twilight's ears pricked up, and she looked at the Pegasus in the doorway, blushing furiously.
"Oh. Erm, hi...Inferno...ha ha..." she trailed off. Haaaaa. This'll be absolute jokes.
"D-Do you mean that?" Inferno gasped, stepping forward.
"Ummm...y-yes?" Twilight replied shakily. She looked on the brink of tears.

"Ahahaha, now might not be the best time to say that...um..." I cleared my throat. "INFERNO AND TWILIGHT, SITTIN' IN A TREE, K-I-S-S-I-N-G. Most appropriate timing for that goddamn song." Both looked exceedingly angry. "What, did I note hit the high 'C'?"

Within moments I was out of the house.

I guess I'm sleeping outside...?

For a summer's night, it was bloody freezing. And, considering how sharp Twilight has been making the knife, I don't think I'll be going inside. Ever. So, settling in behind a few hay bales in the barn, I began to wonder where the others were. I swear everypony else was supposed to be sleeping in the barn... I mused. Where the hell are they?

"Hmmm." I murmured aloud. "I bet they're at Twilight's. I'll be sleeping here. Alone. Bollocks." Sighing, and admitting loneliness, I curled up and shivered for around 20 minutes, before I finally went to sleep.

Canterlot palace? Why?
The booming silence of everything was just eerie. The huge hallway seemed bigger than I'd thought, guards seemed even more imposing, and there seemed to be an infinite expanse of doors. Deciding my only option was to trot about, I simply began to move down the hallway. Just before I turned a corner, somepony tapped me on the shoulder.
"Aaah, it is good to see you." came a familiar voice. Turning, I was met by the gaze of Princess Luna. Her mane, ethereal as ever, flowed in the silence, mingling with the shadows as her eyes looked at me. "Thunder Mustang, was it?"
"Ummm, yes?" I replied cautiously. I took a few steps back.
"Thou art afraid?" she asked, smirking.
"Y-Yes. Quite a bit." I shakily nodded. "It's so eerie. Like, silent."
"Yes, the dreamscape tends to be like that." she sighed. "Thou wouldn't be the first to be terrified of us. Ever since we returned, ponies have been in fear of us."
"Not even gonna ask why."
"Art thou attempting humour? For it is failing."
"Yep, you too."
"As we wished to say, thank you."
"For bringing you back?"
"Yes, and for encouraging laughter in dark times. Come, let us walk."
"Alright." With that, we began to trot side by side down the halls, guards saluting Luna as she went past. As we went past a window, I saw the world outside. It was my mind; the moon looked half eaten as the Hyperion ship hovered in front, with Sanctuary flying just in the distant mountains. Down below the castle, pirates with guns fought Rakyat in the middle of a desert, Halo's marines driving around in warthogs whilst shooting down Covenant. In the distance, a Scarab fought Alduin, who was being ridden by Chuck Norris. Meanwhile, BNK-3R was diving and soaring about as it attacked a Star Destroyer. Darth Vader was so pissed that he then proceeded to throw slabs of meat at his attacker. I stopped to admire the sheer stupidity of it all. Luna trotted up next to me, looking quite bemused.
"Is this genuinely thy mind?" she asked, chuckling slightly. "Condolences."
"Not a problem. I'm in control of it all." I replied. "Watch, I could make that battle below explode."
"Go ahead, it is thine dream."
All of a sudden, a huge nuclear explosion filled the room with light as the battle below did, as I said it would, explode.
"Told you." I laughed.
"Mm-hmm." Luna nodded, looking quite worried as she cleared her throat. "Well, for the service thou hast done for us, we are inviting you to the Royal Gala. Wear thy finest clothes, and be sure to arrive on time."

"Well, thank you." I smiled. "I'll do my best to make it on time. SILVERFISH HOOF CATCH." I boomed. And, for seemingly no reason, a silverfish did fall from nowhere, and I did catch it in my hooves. Princess Luna simply facehoofed, before disappearing. "Well, g'bye. CATCH A RIIIIIIDE!" I yelled as a random truck materialized from mid-air, landing on a guard.

I awoke sweating. Maybe having 1,000,000 Super Badass Loaders take me on while I had acid piss that insta-kills wasn't the best idea. Rubbing a hoof to my forehead, I sat up. Suddenly, a flash of light. A scroll appeared in mid-air, before dropping onto my lap. It bore the Royal Seal, so I wasted no time in opening it.

Thunder Mustang
The tickets, as agreed.
Princess Luna

Just the second I read the letter, another flash appeared. This time, six gold tickets landed in my lap, each bearing a different name of my friends. I grinned.

"Oh, thank you, Lulu." I laughed, picking them up and standing up. All of my legs made a click as I stretched them out, before I gave my wings a few flaps. I couldn't help but go through checks in my head. Tickets=Check. Wings=Check. Sanity=Limited, but check. Brain Cells=All in perfect broken order. All ready to go! I went over to the barn door, pushed it open, and the glare of sunlight nearly blinded me. After allowing a few minutes for my eyes to adjust, I spread my wings and took off again.

When I opened the library doors, I wasn't surprised to see Inferno and Twilight with scraggled manes. Stifling a laugh, I looked about. The other four were just lounging about on chairs and tables. I decided to break the silence.
"Get some monocles, boys!" I yelled, pulling the six tickets out. "We're goin' to the Gala!"

Oh god, not you...

The front row wasn't so bad, I suppose.
Weeks after we'd arrived in Ponyville and the house was completed, the carriage had arrived. Nopony, except my friends and I, knew anything about it. Even as I stood next to Solar and Rarity, I knew that there'd be fireworks. Blowing my blue mane from my eyes, I didn't even look interested in the carriage. Instead, my friends and I just looked at it idly.
"Come one, come all!" came a loud female voice.
"Oh shit, not this bitch..." I groaned loudly to Solar.
"Seriously, her?" he sighed. "You got any good insults ready?"
"Aaah, Pulp Fiction." I chuckled back.
"You absolute bastard."
"I know."
The crowd ooh'd and aah'd as fireworks exploded everywhere. On the stage, however, stood a blue unicorn looking very smug: Trixie, or 'That Bitch'. Ponies all around looked in wonder at the mare, as though they'd never seen an explosion. I nudged Rarity.
"Crappy sense of fashion she's got." I chuckled. "Capes? Really?"
"I agree, darling." Rarity replied. "That could do with sorting out." Next, I turned my attention to Twilight. My plan should work.
"Twilight," I whispered. "Would you mind helping me do something to shut this bitch up?"

"I thought you'd never ask, Thunder." she replied. "What is it?"

"...so I challenge you Ponyvillians: anything you can do, I can do better!" Trixie smugly claimed. I looked to my left, tapped Sky on the shoulder, and whispered to him.
"Witty pun. Do a witty pun." I whispered. He nodded, spread his wings, and landed on the stage. The crowd gasped very loudly, and Trixie glared at him.
"Nope." Sky growled loudly.
"Well, well, well," Trixie said rather bemusedly. "It seems we have some NEIGH sayers in the audience!"
"You bet your five dollar ass there are." Sky retorted. "Nopony can beat me in an insult battle. Draw!"
"Very well." Trixie sighed. "May I first ask; are those tiny things what you call 'wings'?" The crowd let out an 'ooooooh!' "Why, I bet even a blind mare could see those are ludicrously small!"
"Really? You think you'll be getting any stallions with that toothpick?" Sky shot back. 'Ooooooooh!'
"I have a toothpick? Your wings must be post-it notes, then." 'OOOOOOOOOOOOHHH!'
"You gonna just take that from her, Sky? Or is the Timberwolf gonna bite back?" Inferno yelled at the green Pegasus.
"Christ, just KISS already!" I shouted, raising a laugh and gaining a pissed off glare from Trixie.
"I'm sorry..." Trixie began to move towards me. "Would you...like to repeat that?"
"Yeah." I retorted. "Christ. Just. Kiss. Already. Clear enough?"
"Ooh, we have a badflank over here." she growled back. Now, I was nearly butting heads with her. "Shall we settle with a duel?"
"Alright." I snorted, pushing her back onto the stage. "Twilight: get the knife."
"No weapons, you foal."
"Aww, thought I should even the odds in your favour and give it to you, make it a fair fight." I laughed, before preparing to charge. "Shall we?"
"Very well." Trixie adopted the same stance. We glared at each other for a moment: azure mare on navy stallion, unicorn on Pegasus, good versus evi-
"OVER HERE, JACKASS!" I yelled. A sudden purple flash from the front row signalled Twilight's part of the plan. A blink of lavender light later and I was behind the unicorn mare, before I gave Trixie a swift kick in the backside. She yelped, flying forward a few feet before landing in a graceful roll. She looked so confused; like cat and laser pointer, except the laser pointer had just booted her up the ass. I saw steaam come from her snout, and she began to charge. Once again, Handsome Thunder Mustang!
"Now ya see me...!" I yelled again, as once more Twilight teleported me across the stage. When the flash disippated, I was just in time to see my opponent fall from the stage. The crowd laughed heartily; this boastful bitch was getting what was coming to her.
"Over here, boasty!" I laughed as I diappeared again. This time, I appeared above the banner over the stage. Trixie looked around below incredibly confused, red faced, and gasping for breath. "What's the matter? Beaten?" I snorted. For ten minutes, this continued, and by the time we were done I had made all of my best 'hey-over-here-no-whoops-lol-you-missed-me' jokes. Trixie, however, looked so tired she probably couldn't even say 'you win'. Finally, I appeared in front of her.
"Aaaah, you done?" I stifled a laugh. Her mane was exceedingly dishevelled, her fur ws matted with sweat, and her neck was drooped severely as Trixie gasped for breath.
"How...did you...do that...?" Trixie panted, looking up at me. I considered making some gaming reference, but that just seemed...immature. Hey, maybe 'Butt Stallion'? (Ha, the pun has been made.)
"Well, I decided not to be a lone wolf. Because, y'know, insane ponies don't do well on their own." I replied, pointing to Twilight. The lavender unicorn shied away, blushing. Suddenly, Trixie found a burst of strength, standing tall and levitating her hat and cape over. She looked as though she had never done all the stuff. "Wait, what? How the hell did you do that?!" I yelled, moving back.
"You may be a trickster, but let's see how you do alone!" Trixie grinned, left eye twitching. I suddenly felt myself...well, floating. Either that, or the floor was all like 'k bai lol'. But no matter what happened, I was floating. "I believe it was 'Thunder Mustang'?" she asked.
"Nnnf...no shit..." I grunted, trying desperately to break the spell.
"Mustang? Let's see what you'd be like as Thunder Mare, hmmm?" She deviously smiled. Lightning began to swirl all around me as a blue sphere of energy crackled about me. I, of course, was clearly being backed up by my friends who trusted me and cherished my MANHOOD! I looked over at the crowd, the girls and my friends up front.
"This won't work!" I shouted to the shocked audience. "The gender change spell has only been known to have a 1 in 1,000,000 chance of working for newbies!" I hope...I need to stop spouting shit. It would be found out soon enough if the spell would work: I hoped it wouldn't.
After a few minutes of what felt like nothing happening, I was lowered to the floor again. I felt the same. I looked back at myself. I looked the same. I turned to my assailant.
"Ha!" came a feminine voice. "It didn't wor-wait, what the fuck? My voice! You bitch, turn this back now! I will hang you by your goddamn entrails! Do it now!" Unfortunately, nopony could hear me over the sound of an entire village's roaring laughter.
This is the most exceedingly shit thing that has happened since Moony.
What was thou saying?
Oh, you are fucking kidding me. Luna? Is that you?
That's Princess Luna to thou, our loyal subject. And yes, we are completely losing it in the Throne Room over thy voice.
Wait, how do you kno-
Our sister has a magical mirror, with it we may see whichever subject we please. So, we chose thou.
Fucking stalker...
Language.
And can I ask, what the hell happened to your talking? Originally, you spoke normally, but now you're like all snobby and shit.
That would be none of thy buisness. We may talk at the Gala in a few month's time, but until then, farewell.
Heh, talk about not taking insults...
It seems you can't take having a mare's voice.
Mm-hmm. You too. You too.

Author's Note

Look, more shit!

The cure for a female voice is WHAT?!?

After hours and hours of having to watch Trixie humiliate ponies, eventually I stopped being able to watch it and stalked off back to Twilight's. She'd left much earlier, as the show demonstrated, so maybe I could ask her if she could change my voice back? Without dying of laughter, I hoped. I soon found myself on the road Twilight's house was on, and it seemed that only a small portion of Ponyville hadn't been humiliated. Almost everypony on the street looked upset, angry, or wanting vengeance. But, it seemed, I was just the thing to brighten up their day.
"Hey Thunder Mare!" Whooves shouted. "How's the voice?" A lot of ponies turned at his comment, confused at first, but then smiles returned.
"You're a better mare than a stallion, ya know!" Colgate laughed. "Fancy coming to a girly night I'm organizing?" A round of laughs promptly came from left and right on the path that the crowd had formed. Each side was packed solid. To an extent.
"I always thought you were a mare!" a mare I didn't recognise shouted from the back. I stopped.
"Ahaha," I began, speaking for one of the first times since humiliation. "Care to, ah, come out and say that to my face?"
"Alright." the voice replied. To my right, a small portion of crowd parted, and out stepped a tired looking white mare, with pale pink mane and a cross cutie mark. I think it was Nurse Redheart, come to think of it. Anyway, she trotted calmly up in front of me, sighed, and then spoke again. "I always thought you were a mare. Happy?"
"I'll only be happy once I've kicked your ass into the dirt." I growled in return, narrowing my eyes.
"Well, by the time I'm done, I won't be helping at the operating table." she snarled, narrowing her eyes. Just before I could boot her in the face, I heard Twilight shouting.
"Thunder!" she yelled from the library window. "Stop getting into fights and come here!" Before I could complain, a blinding purple flash of light enveloped my vision, before dissipating and revealing Twilight's library. I knew she'd teleported me, but why?
"Oh good, you're here." she sighed as she flipped through books, just like she usually did. "Listen, I...think I've found a spell to turn your voice back."
"Oh thank GOD." I gasped. "That's awes-wait, why did you stop before saying it?"
"Ah, well, um..." Twilight trailed off, looking up from her book. "You're probably not going to like it..."
"OK. Let's hear it." I groaned, facehoofing.
"Um, the book I read claims...that there is no way to change it back, without pain, at least. I could really only manage it by..." She paused.
"By...?" I gestured with my hoof for her to continue. The librarian just hoofed at the ground, swallowed hard, and then looked me in the eyes.
"Icanonlydoitbyreconstructingyourvocalchordswhileyou'restillconciousanditwillmostlikelybeexcruciatinglypainful!" she yelled out in one breath. I was utterly speechless. My jaw hung open, and my eyes were aching from being open so wide.
"What?" I asked, barely calm as my eye began twitching. "Do I have to be concious?"
"No, I just thought it'd make you pass out from shock, so I could reconstruct them while you were unconcious." she sighed.
"Oh thank god." I breathed a sigh of relief. "Well, how are you going to get me out?"
"No clue." Twilight calmly replied, folding her reading glasses and putting them back on her desk. "While I think, could I get you some tea?"
"Alright," I replied, "Throat hurts from all the shouting anyway."
"Ok, I'll be back soon." the lavender mare replied as she trotted into the kitchen. Looking for a way to pass the time, I went over to a random bookshelf and pulled out a random book. I didn't even read it: I just flicked through it aimlessly. Suddenly, the door opened. Considering how uninterested I was in the book, I looked at who entered. There, in the doorway, were the girls; Rarity, Pinkie, Rainbow, Applejack, and Fluttershy, and my friends, Ebony, Sky, Inferno, Fire, and Solar. All 10 looked a bit worried.
"So...Thunder....y'alright?" Rainbow said calmly, as the group stifled laughs.
"Yes." was all I had to say for them to break down. All ten of them fell onto the library floor, laughing their sides off, rolling about, and when they did stop after two minutes straight of laughing, they wiped away tears of laughter. "Finished?" I asked. They looked ready to laugh.
"Well darling, er, it's that, um..." Rarity began. I expected some speech. "...YOU SOUND LIKE A MARE!" And with that, the whole group fell over laughing again.
"I'm more of a mare than you ever were..." I muttered, rolling my eyes. Just then, Twilight returned with the tea. She looked at her friends and boyfriend on the floor laughing their socks off, and then mouthed 'What are they-' to me. All I did to reply was gesturing with a hoof to my voice box. Twilight rolled her eyes, and with nowhere to sit and have the tea, we trotted upstairs to the balcony.

I will no longer be trusting Twilight's tea.

From the library balcony, nearly the entirety of Ponyville was visible, and only then did I realize the vastness of it; more shops than...a lot of shops, hundreds of houses, and the Town Hall. It was 5 times larger than the show implied, and I hadn't really had a look at Ponyville even after several weeks. It made a nice backdrop for Twilight and I to discuss important things, like getting my damn voice back.
"So, figured out how to get me unconcious without causing brain damage?" I asked, before taking a sip of the tea. I was getting used to my voice, but I sounded like a female Claptrap and made me want to pull my own throat out and kick it into a furnace.
"No," Twilight replied. "Not yet. Who knows, maybe with brain damage you won't ever speak again, and you won't have to speak like a mare anymore."
"Yeah, hahaha." I laughed sarcastically. "But no."
"I was going to suggest just asking her to change it back, but...you know why."
"You damn well know I do." I snorted, looking over to the carriage settled smugly in front of Town Hall. I then had an idea. "I know, why not just bombard her stupid house with magic? Then, when she crawls out, threaten her with a surgical tool and slowly slice her open until she agrees. Finally, once she's done that, give her a knife and tell her to kill herself. That should work." I nodded at the lavender mare, except, er, she was kind of white now. The poor dear looked on the brink of passing out after hearing my description.
"N-N-No th-thanks." she whimpered. "M-May I say, I-I think you're still i-in-s-s-sane."
"Yep." I replied proudly, prodding a hoof to my chest. "I said so earlier."
"Well, a-anyway," Twilight shuddered, returning to purple, "It should be taking effect now."
"What should?" I asked. Suddenly, as if on cue, a wave of drowsiness hit me like a ton of bricks. I found it a spontaneous struggle to keep my eyes open even as my vision blurred, and I was fighting to keep my balance. Swaying left to right, I looked the lavender mare in the eyes as she gave a barely-comforting smile. "Y-You poisoned the t-tea...?"
"I did." she replied. Her voice seemed distant and echoing, ringing in my ears. "You seemed tired already. All you needed was a little..." Twilight pressed a hoof against my chest, and lightly shoved me onto my back. Almost as though the push was a linchpin holding my conciousness intact, my vision dimmed fully as I passed out. The last thing I remember hearing came in the form of a detached voice.

"...push."

A huge group of giant screaming Necromorphs charged at me down the thin corridor. Each one of the rotting corpses represented a part of my soul; insanity, distrust, psychopath, murderer, sadist, fear, rage, and most prominently, inverted Thunder. The latter, being the largest and most powerful looking, looked exactly like me, except with inverted colours, voice, and exceedingly sharp teeth and FUCKING TERRIFYING EYES THAT STILL HAUNT ME hollow eyes. As the group approached at speed, I felt no urge to run; instead, they ended up right on top of me, tearing my guts from my eye sockets. Inverted Thunder reared up, opened his mouth, and-

I awoke to Ebony singing in the other room. Well, I didn't awake of my own volition; his shitty choice of song, of course being Rick Astley, forced me into conciousness by standing next to the pool that was my mind and doing crappy 80s dancing until the waters of conciousness curdled and turned into piss. So, forcing my eyes open so I could see where the assault was coming from, I opened them, shook my head a few times, before springing up again. I recognised where I was; my room in the house. A simple affair; a desk, a chair, bed, clock, floor, walls, door, roof. That was it. Although, I'm assuming Celestia did have a sense of humour whilst telling the interior designers my personality: it had one engraved wooden shield that was covered with my favourite words. 'Fuck', 'Piss Off, Jackhole', 'Bloody Hell', and my personal favourite, 'Aaaahh, I already don't like you.' The latter of which, cheerfully enough, had a detailed drawing of me glaring at Celestia as she frowned at the small blue Pegasus in front of her.. All that on one tiny oak shield. I made a mental note to commend Celestia at the Gala for her humour, and promptly forgot it: the ear rape downstairs was still occuring.
"Ebony!" I yelled. I held back a squee when I realized my voice was back to normal. "Shut the fuck up!" The singing stopped. "Thank god..." I groaned, before looking at the clock. 7:00. Not bad, must be time for dinner. Grunting in approval, I slipped my legs over the side of the bed, stood on all four hooves, and trudged downstairs. I still couldn't help but be amazed at the generosity of Celestia: the house was the size of the Boutique, except it looked like a barn, and each room was decently sized. So, that was 3 floors, a 'loft', where we just chilled, the middle floor, where all 6 rooms were kept, and the ground, where the kitchen, dining room, and living room were positioned. I assumed my buddies/housemates were downstairs preparing to eat, so I trotted into the kitchen.
Ebony Chopper was preparing vegetables with a huge axe (don't ask), Inferno was sat carefully gluing plates together after he dropped them all down the stairs, Solar was cooking something in the oven, of course it was burning, and Sky was wafting smoke out of the window. Before I could ask where Fire was, the fiery earth pony ran in, dumped apples all over the floor, before running out. Ebony promptly turned around, shouted 'THANK YOU' in a way that reminded me of Face McShooty, and began to try picking them up.
"Yep." I muttered. "Gang's all here."

Author's Note

This isn't a serious chapter. Hell, this isn't a serious story. Why did I upload this?

A Minor incursion...and hopefully no 'Invincible' version to come. I hate Pyro Pete.

"Uhhh...evening?" I cautiously said to the guys in the kitchen. They seemed barely surprised my voice was back to normal, and the fact that they didn't look at me signalled that they knew I was there. So the four (five when Fire Trail charged in and dumped apples all over the floor every 3 minutes) of them continued their failed cooking. Or, were they cleaning up?
"Hi." Ebony shouted over the smoke alarm. "Trixie is in the centre of town still. Go kill her!" I almost expected an objective to appear on my HUD. Which of course was simply just a metaphor: I don't need a targeting reticle to look at Luna's ass.
We heard that.
Goddamn it, you again?!
Art thou surprised to hear from us? We assumed thou was used to our presence.
No.
What? But...ugh.
Now, what do you want?
To meet thee in pony. We shall send a carriage in 3 days time.
Woah, wha-
A date, is what we believe the modern term is, yes?
But...what? Why are y-are we DATING?!
What? Of course not. We have no romantic interest in thee. This meeting is simply as it is: a meeting.
Well, you could have given me, I dunno, 240 hours notice?
240 hours?
Yes. Use your ancient and knowledge filled brain and work it out.
...fine.
Finally, now just...get the hell out of my mind.
"Hey Thunder, you feeling alright?" Ebony asked. I shook my head, realizing I had just been stood there for about a minute doing bugger-all.
"Uh, no, not really." I replied, "You know how Princess Luna can, like, go into my mind and stuff?"
"Yeah?" Solar cut in, turning from the oven.
"Well...she, uh, kinda..." I trailed off.
"What?" Fire asked, dropping his apples again.
"...SHE ASKED ME ON A DATE!" I yelled. The whole room fell silent, as the axe fell from Ebony's hoof. After 2 minutes, Inferno trotted up.
"Gimme high-five!" he laughed in his best Borat impression.
"But...my wife wasn't killed by a bear?" I asked, returning the gesture. Inferno, despite being the fastest flyer out of all of us, was still small, so my hoof barely had to go past chest height to high five. Well, one. Like, we didn't have...y'know...fingers. Or some shit.
"I know," he replied, "But you scored with LUNA! Goddamn Luna! If you end up marrying her, you'd be a monarch!"
"She said she has no romantic interes-" I was cut off by a roar outside. All six of us froze, pegasi, unicorns, and earth pony. I turned to Ebony. "Bring the axe. Solar, prepare some magical projectile spells. Fire, get ready to kick that sumbitch into a pulp. Sky, Inferno, and I will divebomb the Ursa, giving you guys time to tear it a new A-Hole. We clear?"
"Yes, Hannibal!" Solar said as he saluted. "A-Team! Woo!" As soon as the vibrations were felt from the Ursa Minor's footsteps, we tore outside and took up random positions. Just to make it look like we knew what to do, I stood in the centre of the street, gesturing to positions and shouting 'Move it up, lads!', 'Fall Back!', and 'Let's kill this sumbitch!'. Ponies seemed to be a distance away, from us, most likely for the same reason: what were those tremors?
Suddenly, out from the woods, ran two young colts. Both looked equally on the brink of shitting themselves, and both ran outrageously fast. Just like on the show, they ran up to Trixie's carriage, banged on the doors, and her head popped out.
"Hey!" I yelled over. "Wanna come help us? Or are you to Powerful to do that?" As if to answer my question, all of her mane spiked out in fear, and she leapt a few feet in the air. As she galloped away, I couldn't help but shout. "GO! RUN! RUN YOU LITTLE CHICKEN FUCK! RUN, FORREST, RUN!"
"Have you used up all your Vaas references?" Ebony looked over from his position in a nearby alley.
"No way, Hermano." There was a pause.
"Now?" he asked.
"Yep."
"Hey!" shouted somepony. We turned at this new voice. "You gonna save us or what?" I looked at my friends. They seemed ready. Nay, they WERE ready. I was ready. Hopefully the gigantic-star-covered-bear-that-would-probably-eat-Terramorphus wasn't having a good day. In the few seconds before we laid eyes on it, I had a feeling. It was the same feeling I'd had before I summoned Terramorphus the Invincible when I was Level 31: I was bloody terrified. Would he eat me? Insta-Kill my entire group of friends in one shot? How many bullets would I need? The latter question, obviously, didn't apply now, because I wasn't holding some deliciously overpowered and fucking annoying gun called The Bane (RATATAT!). The moment I actually did see the Ursa Minor, I realised that's what it wasn't. Instead of being baby blue and relatively large, it was purple and FUCKING GIGANTIC.
"Guys," I began calling and moving backwards. "Guys, get away from it! It's not a Minor, it's Major! Get the fuck away!" Everypony began screaming and running, and so did my buddies and I.
The moments after that were a blur; mares and stallions running for their lives, terrifying roars, screaming, tremors, and at one point, an explosion. The force of the latter threw me onto my side, winding me severely with a woosh as all the air in my lungs left them at force. Not only that, but my vision blurred severely.
"Thunder!" came a muffled male voice. I tried to make out who it was, but my eyes were filtering out all the recognisable features. All that I could make out was a buff grey unicorn cantering towards me, before diving over a burning carriage I recognised as Trixie's. "Thunder! You alright? I'm getting you outta here!" With that, the unicorn began to levitate me onto his back and began to run. I realised that it was Ebony, before looking around with my returning vision. The streets were nearly deserted, with all ponies remaining being brave souls or ponies who hadn't gotten indoors yet. Near the site of the explosion, I saw the charred remains of a sign: 'Oil Baron's Machine Fuels!'
Suddenly, a massive tremor and roar occured directly behind us and threw both of us onto the ground. The world went sideways, before I began to move my head again. Ebony was lying unconcious a few metres to my right, groaning loudly. Meanwhile, to my front, the Ursa was stood over me, looking as fucking terrifying as ever. Teeth drooling an ethereal liquid, eyes a sharp red, and both huge paws holding me down by the chest, it opened its huge jaw and let out a deafening roar into my face. When it had finished, I began desperately looking around for some way to attack the monster.
Then I saw it.
Lying little more than a 5 feet from Ebony was the axe: gleaming wickedly in the moonlight. It almost started telling me to pick it up and ram it in the Ursa's head. I began to reach up, when suddenly something wet pressed against my face. I couldn't comprehend what was happening, so I began to wipe it off. As if on cue, once again a wet thing went to my face. Oh my god, is this thing licking me? I looked up at the Ursa. The snarl had now been replaced by what looked to be a playful expression, eyes softened and teeth no longer bared. If anything, it now looked more like a loyal dog than a bloody gigantic bear made of stars.
"Ok, ok!" I laughed as it continued to lick my face. "Good boy! You win! You win!" The Ursa promptly let me up onto my hooves, and gave a small amount of room to stand up. I cautiously approached the Ursa, and reached out slowly. It seemed to reel back slightly, along with a growl, but then I began patting its nose. It seemed to like me for some reason. A sudden groaning to my right caught my attention, and, still petting the Ursa, I looked. Ebony was slowly getting up, groaning as he did so, shakily gathering his shit and standing on his hooves. He rubbed his head, before looking at me. Obviously, seeing your best friend patting a huge bear that had almost killed you was a normal sight for him, so he trotted up and also began petting it.
"I shall call him Steve." I proclaimed proudly. "Steve the Ursa Major."
"I hope he likes mining." Ebony chuckled, giving the animal a rub on his snout. The Ursa was loving it. "Because I fancy some diamonds."
"Who knows, we might find the End." I replied. "What do you think Fluttershy's gonna think of this?"
"Dunno. She probably won't mind, as long as we treat him nicely." he laughed. "Isn't that right Steve? Who's a good boy? You are!" The Ursa let out a happy roar, standing on its hind legs. "Wanna ask her?" Ebony asked.
"You bet." I replied, before looking at the ponies peeping through their shutters. "Fluttershyyyyy!~" I yelled in a sing-song tone. "Come and meet Steeeeve!~" After a few moments, a door creaked open, and the vanilla mare peeped out. "Hello Fluttershy. We made a friend."
"Yesthat'snicegoodbye!" she quickly replied before slamming the door again. I shrugged.
"You got a friend in Steve..." Ebony began singing. I laughed at his rendition of the well known song, and decided to adress everypony.
"Citizens of Ponyville!" I shouted as I began to trot back and forth with a spring in my step. "Meet Steve: the Über Awesome Ursa Major! Don't worry, he's an absolute bro!"
Nopony came out.
"Meh." Ebony groaned. "Let's take him home."
"YEAH." I replied. "BECAUSE THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT IDEA." And with that, we trotted home with Steve in tow. Behind us, the citizens of Ponyville angrily turned to two young colts for the damages.

Author's Note

I know, I know: taming an Ursa. Impossible.
Welcome to my mind, motherfucker.

Lunarape and Applejack in the morning. Makes sense.

Not even 1 hour had passed since she'd last done it. Just as I was preparing to go to sleep, my visions flashed with an image of Princess Luna's cutie mark, before a sudden blue mist suddenly filled the darkening room. I panicked, pulled the covers up to my chest, and sat up whilst breathing heavily, all the while looking about in case Eyeless Jack, the Rake, or Slendy had a pony relative.
Don't search those up.Fucking Eyeless Jack...
Just before I dismissed it as a hallucination of a tired mind, the mists began swirling about, overlapping and compacting into...her. Princess Luna was now stood just near the doorway, and all assumptions of a serious chat were gone. She was wearing what appeared to be lingerie, and giving a half-lidded look at my form that was smaller than hers.
"Hello, Thunder." she purred.
"Errr...wow. P-Princess?" I stammered. My cheeks went very, very hot all of a sudden. "W-What are you, uhm...d-doing? I-In my bedroom?"
"Well, we realised thou art tired, and wondered if thou required any assistance in getting restful sleep?" she asked, slowly making her way towards me. I shrivelled up in my bed.
"W-Why are y-you wearing lingerie?" I asked, recoiling as she decided to sit on the end of my bed. She looked slightly confused for a moment, before realising it.
"Aaah, this?" she began blushing. "Umm...we, ah, decided to find, erm, an appearance thou would find...comforting?"
"Well, that's not helping." I sighed, looking away. "You look like you wanted to...you know."
"What?!" she hissed. "We would never have intercourse with a pony we are not even in a relationship with!" she suddenly got a wicked grin. "But when we do have it..." I felt her hoof run up my neck, sending shivers of pleasure/fear down my spine. Slowly, she moved across my cheek, before she leaned forward to my ear. "...thou would love it." she whispered, before nibbling the tip of my ear.
Poomph.
"P-Princess!" I stammered, cheeks hotter than the Eridium Blight, "S-S-Stop!"
"Of course: this is a dream belonging to thou." she chuckled, before standing up. "It was fun to see thou squirm. We shall see thou in 2 days, up in Canterlot, and maybe we shall do it again..."
"N-No th-thanks." I coughed.
"Well, let us begone. Enjoy thy time, and arrive in nice clothes."
"Yes mistress." I mindlessly murmured, utterly entranced by her flanks.
"What was that?" she asked, turning around.

"What? That was nothing. That was nothing!" I quickly answered back. She rolled her turquoise eyes, before disappearing into the mist. "Christ." I groaned, looking at my wings. If anything had been in the way of them when she nibbled my ear, it would have been shorn in half. Those bad boys were as solid as Terramorphus is tough. But, seeing as how tired I was, I would probably sleep with them anyway. Despite the fact that they're uncomfortable buggers when you get a wing boner. Electing to ignore it and just go the fuck to sleep, I laid my head onto the pillow, closed my eyes, and tried to forget Luna's strange knowledge of my interest in her...

The next morning, I met Applejack as she trotted out of Solar's room. I looked awkwardly at her, and she returned the favour. Much like Inferno and Twilight did weeks before when I went to Twilight's, her mane was ruffled and tail unkempt. Her hat, however, was in its usual position atop her head.
"Errr...hi, Applejack?" I cautiously asked.
"Howdy." she replied.
"Soooo...you and So-" I began, before she shoved a hoof in my mouth.
"Ah can give ya 200 bits if you keep this quiet to the girls." she hissed.
"Mmph." I replied with a nod.
"Good. Ah can get y'all the money t'morrow." she sighed, removing the hoof.
"Alright." I replied. "But how are you gonna explain to the guys downstairs? Like, they'll notice if you just trot down the stairs..."
"Ah'm giving them cash, too. 1000 bits." I nearly spat out some non-existent coffee.
"1000?!" I gasped. "200 each?! Christ, your damn family must be bloody minted!"
"Annual income at Sweet Apple Acres is well over 700,000 bits. More than enough to feed the family, run the farm, and hide secrets." she hissed. "Y'all gottit?"
"Mm-hmm." I whimpered. "But the girls know about Inferno and Twilight, so why would they ridicule you?"
"Well," the cowpony replied. "Ah told 'em that ah'd never hook up with one o' you fellas, but...Solar was charming enough. Right?"
"No." I snorted, my mind flashing back to several dumbass things Solar/Harry had done on Earth.
"Well, he's still pretty good in be-"
"OK, OK! TOO MUCH INFORMATION." I quickly raised my hooves. "Anyway, do you plan on getting breakfast? Because I'm hungry, and insane ponies need food." I mused. The cowpony smiled.
"Can't argue with your logic, there." Applejack grinned. "Let's go." After a rather awkward conversation, we both set off down the stairs. When we reached the dining room, Applejack suddenly looked very pale. On the table was a whole platter covered in breakfast meats: sausages, bacon, and the like. I cast a glance at the guys, before mouthing 'You bloody geniuses how the fuck did you get bacon?!' to them. Suddenly, there was a crumpling noise to my right: AJ had fainted from seeing us eat meat. Ignoring it, I sat down next to Solar. I looked at him, and then Applejack, before looking at him again.
"...SCOOOORE!" I yelled, raising a hoof for him to brohoof. "Solar got laid! So that's two of us, who'll be next?"
"Clearly me." Ebony sarcastically snorted. "Me and Celestia: obviously gonna happen."
"Fuck YEAH it is." I laughed, reaching over and grabbing some bacon before dumping it on my plate. I still have no idea how I was actually holding things with my hoof. "I bet you'll get her at the Gala."
"After Ebony," Fire cut in, "It'll be..." The rest of us leaned forward in anticipation. "...me. And Rarity." All of us began going 'yeah' 'obviously' 'why didn't I think of that' and 'that right there is customer focused thinking.' All of our corporate jokes made, we turned to Applejack.
"Applejack, what do yo-"
She was gone.
"Fuck!" Fire yelled, smacking a hoof on the floor. "She knows! Goddammit!"
"Thankfully, none of you idiots brought up me and Luna. I'd never live it down." I sighed. "Oh yeah, and Luna completely invaded my mind last night. Just before I went to bed, she decided to make me hallucinate that she was in the room. And, for some reason she was wearing lingerie."
Poomph.
Poomph.
Inferno and Sky's wings both popped up at the thought.
"Well, what did she do next?" Ebony asked through a mouth full of bacon.
"She started trying to seduce me." I replied. "Nay: she SUCCEEDED in seducing me. I received a wing boner, before she claimed SHE MIGHT DO IT ON THE MEETING." All jaws in the vicinity dropped, and out of Ebony's came chewed bacon that slopped out onto his plate in a wet lump of meat. After looking at THAT for a few moments, we burst out laughing.
"Oh, OH! Oh god, Ebony, fucking disgusting!" Solar laughed. "You're cleaning that fucking plate, asshole!"
"I'm not even gonna ask which poor sod is scraping that into the bin." I scoffed.

Rarity? Kidnapped? Somepony call Liam Neeson!

Not even days had passed. Goddamn days. All it took was one seemingly innocent idea, and a shitstorm randomly pops up to say 'Hi! Your friend's crush just went for a day trip? Lemme get some fucking dogs to take her to be their cart bitch!' Not only that, but it also turns out Faust got it wrong: the episodes are out of order. I expected the Poison Joke farce to happen after Trixie, but no. Instead, there was a rainstorm in which the library...you know the episode I mean. So, for all I knew, I could be fighting Diamond Dogs one day, then be at the Gala the next, before deciding to sort out Pinkie's birthday while she talks to old and saggy sacks. (Heh heh heh...talks...)
But right now, we could just stand and watch as a panicking Spike ran up and started flailing his arms around.
"What the fuck is he doing...?" I asked Twilight, who responded with a shrug. I turned to Spike, grabbed him, and said in my best Scottish accent, "PULL YERSELF T'GETHER, LADDIE!" When I released Spike, he caught his breath, before finally speaking legibly.
"RARITY'S BEEN KIDNAPPED!" he yelled. We reeled back in shock, before my Piss-taking instincts took over.
"What?! You're joking! Somepony call Liam Neeson!" I began to laugh. I received stern glares from the girls.
"Thunder, this is no laughing matter!" Twilight growled. "She might be in danger! We've gotta save her! Come on, guys!" And with that, the girls were off, leaving my friends and I to stand there sighing.
"Course it's a bloody laughing matter..." I grumbled. "Taken references are always appropriate...stupid bitch..."
"Well, somepony's gotta back their asses up." Solar tried saying in a commanding tone.

"You mean so you can stare at AJ's ass?" I snorted as I began trotting off after the girls. A group laugh followed, before I heard hooves behind. The conversation brightened up quickly, like how we can scare the girls.

"...I mean come on, we have to reference some kind of monster." Ebony finished his explanation. The rest of us murmured in agreement.
"Threshers?" Solar asked.
"Yeah, EXACTLY like that." Ebony replied. "Just over describe them, like what they do, where they live, and most importantly, what draws their attention."
"So like how you tell a monster story?" I cut in.
"Oh yeah." Inferno chuckled. "I have one."
"What?" Sky asked from above. He was drifting gently above us, as well as Inferno. I, however, couldn't get used to flying, so I trotted. I only flew in emergencies.
"Ehhh, something along the lines of..." Inferno paused, before getting a wicked grin. "...Terramorphus. Crystalisks. Varkids. And, this one should be the funniest, Stalkers." The rest of us laughed at the idea.
"Last one'll have them looking over their shoulders quite a lot..." I replied. "Fire, anything to add?"
"Slendy." he simply added.
"Good one."
"The Rake."
"Yep."
"Eyeless Jack."
"Err...yeah..."
"BOB."
"You can stop now..."
"SCP-173."

"OK STOP YOU'RE CREEPING THE SHIT OUTTA ME." I shouted, raising a chuckle and my alertness of surroundings.

Eventually, we did catch up to the girls. And, just for that extra effect, we cantered up behind them, looking as though we'd been running from something. You know, stumbling, looking over shoulder, swearing, the like.
"Guys!" I yelled to the girls. "Guys! We found you, thank god."
"Hi?" Twilight looked confused. "Did...you just run all the way up here?"
"Nah." I panted. "We were going at a normal pace, then there was fucking Threshers. Came after us, and we ran. You'll be fine, the buggers usually give up after 30 seconds of not finding their target, but y'know..."
"Threshers?" Rainbow asked, before making a 'pfft' sound. "They don't sound so tough..."
"No, they're not tough." Ebony replied. "They're bloody ridiculous. Natural plating thick as your hoof, throwin' goddamn spikey things, diving underground then popping back up again...bastards."

"Well," Twilight didn't even seem bothered. "Let's keep moving." The lavender mare continued to trot onward, followed by a rather worried looking Pinkie Pie. Well, can't use Threshers. Don't seem to worry them. I'll use the big bastard last. I thought rather angrily, judging by how Twilight shrugged off some worms that throw things at y-yeah, I can see how that sucks.

"Alright, this was where they took her." Spike gestured to a hole. "Down this one."
"Right, who brought any shovels?" I asked. Nopony answered: Rainbow, Pinkie, Ebony and Sky just sort of hoofed at the ground. I let out an exasperated sigh. "Just...just fucking...guh. Use your hooves, or something, I don't care any more. Just watch out for Threshers, Bullymongs, and obviously any of the kidnappers. Have fun." I turned to leave, before something grabbed my tail.
"Well where do you think YOU'RE goin'?" Rainbow asked, trying to be tough as ever.
"Where? Why, to go and find loot, of course!" I replied with a British accent. "Untold riches, fortune, glory, and most importantly, glory!" Rainbow released her grip on my tail. I didn't expect that, and turned around. She was hoofing at the ground, smiling.
"Actually, that, uh, kinda sounds pretty cool..." she trailed off. "Mind if I come with?"

Massive tunnels? Terramorphus.

"...so then, low on ammunition, the guy went crazy!" I continued my epic story that seemed to have tied Rainbow Dash's interest to a bed and then repeatedly abused it. "Pulled out both his guns, bleeding from every orifice, and fired like crazy! Bambambambambam!"
"Did he live?" Rainbow eagerly asked.
"Barely: lost a leg and got blinded when some nutjob ran in and exploded. But as far as I know, that entire bandit clan was wiped out: suitable punishment for their horrid crimes."
"Woah." Rainbow gasped. "And anyway; your world sounds pretty cool! Why don't you want to go back?" Ooooh, crap. Have to mention the wars.
"Well," I replied, kicking a rock off the cliff edge. "It seems that my race fights over everything. Oil, religion, territory, and, in one horrid instance, because one country lost a previous war. So they went to war again, and their new leader hated one religion, ordering his troops to kill them."
"That's...not so cool." Rainbow sighed. "Sorry."
"Hey, no big deal." I replied, bumping a hoof on her shoulder playfully. "Those wars ended. Won by those who did good. And, that will most likely apply to why we're here. Dogs take Rarity for evil, we kick their asses, good prevails. End of the story."
"I suppose you're right!" she exclaimed. "We're gonna beat them to a pulp!"
"Yes! Somepony understands!"
"Take their gems!"
"Steal them all!"
"Battle monsters!"
"Probably not but FUCK YEAH!"
"Battle dogs and plunder their loot!"
"WOO!"
"YEAH!"
After a few minutes of...that, we returned to the others. A lot had happened since we'd left; Spike now had a fishing rod and diamond, Solar was now wearing a rusty helmet, and nearby Twilight and Inferno, both sleeping next to each other, was a huge pile of random crap that had been presumably dug up. Rainbow whistled.
"Nice helmet." she called to Solar, who nodded in reply. We both trotted over to see what there was available in the pile, armour, weapon, and style-wise. Rainbow Dash got lucky: finding a battered old helmet that fit her like a glove. Meanwhile, all I had found was...a skull belonging to some fucking demon thing or some shit. The thing had horns, sharp teeth, and eye sockets that were remarkably similar to a pony of my size. Tentatively, I plopped it onto my head.
"Nice." I said from inside the skull. My voice, though it had been normal, was amplified and rather demonic sounding. Like, G-Major. Receiving a few dodgy looks from Applejack, Pinkie, and Fluttershy, and a bit of a half-arsed look from Twilight before she curled next to Inferno, I couldn't resist making the next reference. "I AM YOUR GOD NOW, BRING ME YOUR VIRGINS!" I boomed. Ebony looked over from having his neck poked down the hole and burst out laughing.
"Lovin' the new voice, Thunder." Sky said from inside the pile. "Better than your female voice..."

"Shut u-hold on, lemme take this off...Yeah, Shut up." I spat back, putting the head on the ground next to me. "Even though I almost ended up being utterly shamed, it was kinda sexy. Like Lilith's voice. Or Captain Scarlett. You'd sound like fucking Sharon Osbourne." There was no reply from the scavenger in the pile. I knew, however, that he was most likely trying to think up the pony equivalent of a middle finger to give me.

After a few hours of watching Twilight and Inferno snuggling, Sky throwing bits of crap out of the pile, and Rainbow gathering as many pieces of armour as she could, a tug finally occurred on the line. Spike began pulling back, trying to hold onto it, but the dog below was too strong. Quickly, I woke the lovers with a burst of DEMON VOICE SAYS WAKE THE FUCK UP and cantered over to help the young dragon with the line. If I was a demon, that bastard must have been fucking Mehrunes Dagon: the bones in my legs were loudly clicking as I tried to gain footing. But, to no avail. Seeming like Twilight was a linchpin holding the dog's strength in check, the moment she grabbed on the dog gave an almighty tug and dragged all of us-11 ponies and a dragon-down the hole. We bumped against walls, dragged on rock, and flew over the occasional ravine as the dog dragged us down further and further into the dark cavern system. There came one point where I nearly passed out from the blood rushing to my hooves, but I soldiered on, making it to the caverns.
Just.
The moment we landed, it was a one-way drop, all 12 of us landing in a pile with me somewhere near the bottom. Although I couldn't see anything, I swear somepony's ass was in my face. Well, against the skull-hat.
"Whose ass is in my face?" I boomed through my demon voice. A sudden giggle creeped me out a lot.
"Mine, silly!" Pinkie yelled happily, jumping in the air. "Why?"
"Well, it's your ass. And it's in my face." I groaned.
"And?"
"GET. YOUR ASS. OUT. OF MY. FACE."

Author's Note

Pretty short chapter this time: because I'm a lazy bugger.

I'm sorry, but I am the demon god. You are my bitch. Now get these dogs off our backs.

I was seriously considering snapping a long gem out of the wall and shoving it into Pinkie's eye socket. She neglected to remove her ass from my face: that is pretty much the top of the list of reasons why I'd do that. But in the meantime, I was going to be wearing the awesome-voice-skull, mostly for intimidation purposes and so I could speak like a TRUE god.
"So what happens if we were to get lost, mortal?" I boomed.
"Shut up, Thunder." Twilight groaned. "We will not get lost."
"Fairly certain I've seen that gem before. And these unconcious dogs that were clearly like that when I got here."
"Twilight," Applejack asked. "Are we lost?" Twilight stopped for a moment, sighed, and sat down.
"Yes." she replied. "Yes we are."
"Why not just follow the tunnel with the most gems?" I suggested. Suddenly, I remembered something: my 'meeting' with Princess Luna. "And plus, I can't be late getting outta here."
"Why?" Rainbow's ears pricked up. "You got something to hide?"
"No." I quickly replied. "Hold on, can't take myself seriously with this bloody...There. No."
"What are you hiding...?" Twilight growled.
"Abso-fucking-lutely nothing." I received burning stares from the girls. Behind them, my friends were gesturing for me to tell them.
"Thunder. Tell us." Twilight growled again, stepping forward.
"Alright. Fine." I gave in, raising my hooves. "Well, Princess Luna decided to break into my mind a few days ago, before telling me she was sending a carriage to Ponyville."
"Why would she do that?"
"Ahh...promise not to laugh?"
Twilight nodded. Pinkie began her promise.
"Well...she wants me to go on a date with her." A moment of shocked silence followed.
"What..." Rainbow asked, clearly on the brink of laughter. "You...and Princess Luna?"
"Apparently yes." I groaned. Most of the girls looked in pain they were trying not to laugh. I sighed. "Fine. Fucking laugh then." The whole tunnel echoed with female and male laughter, most notable when Rainbow fell over and the rusty armour clanked onto the floor. As I watched them all crease over a strange request, a fleeting movement caught the corner of my eye. Ignoring it, I stood them up.
"You guys are seriously the biggest assholes I've ever met." I groaned.
"Aww, you too!" Pinkie cheerfully replied. "What's an asshole?" I almost died when Pinkie said 'asshole'. Seriously, Pinkie fucking just said it like an everyday word. Trying to keep my shit together, I rolled my eyes.
"Well, I just saw something moving. The dogs are onto us." I proclaimed. "Either that, or Terramorphus hates visitors."
"Terramorphus...Terramorphus?" Twilight asked.
"Yeah. Y'know, Terramorphus? Big, fucking gigantic Thresher? Huge teeth, hundreds of tentacles, probably made this tunnel we're in right now, killed thousands of ponies and dogs?" I began describing him.
"W-Well, th-that's not too bad..." Twilight replied, straightening up and trying to look brave.
"Oh yeah, and he's been titled 'Terramorphus the Invincible', 'oh shit it's Terramorphus aaahh god he's eating my leg the blood is everywhere this is fucking painful', 'bloody hell that Thresher is fucking huge let's call him Terramorphus', and my personal favorite: 'Terry'."
"Y'all are kiddin', right?" Applejack shuddered. I was about to say I was, but then something happened that nearly made me cry.
The noise a Thresher makes, except 2000 times louder, boomed through the cave, shaking the walls and ceiling. Far off in the distance of the cave, in a large ravine, a sudden movement caught my eye. I froze.
"What was that? Terramorphus?!" Fluttershy squeaked, hiding under Sky. He looked incredibly confused by her invasion of space.
"Shit no..." I murmured. "He's fucking real...crying, suicide, and last moments sex time." I remembered the girls and others. "Err, y-yeah. I-I am. Ha ha, such a joker I am." I viciously elbowed Ebony. He had also seen the beast. "Play along." I hissed.
"Oh, you silly pony, Thunder." Ebony said in what sounded like a really crappy kids show host's voice. "Everypony knows Terramorphus the Invincible isn't real! Shut the fuck up, Thunder."
"Oh. You got me." I sarcastically laughed. "Now, let's go get Rarity. Follow the gem tunnel." I said to Twilight. She began to explain Rarity's spell, whilst me and the guys got together in a huddle.
"Did you fucking see that?!?!" Sky hissed. "Was that fucking Terramorphus? The Invincible?!"
"I don't know, maybe it...was a trick of the light?" Inferno said hopefully.
"I hope you're right." Fire added. "I can't fly off or shoot him with magic if he attacks!"
"Oh, what I'd give for a Conference Call right now..." Ebony sighed.
"Err...we-we'll think of something? Right?" I asked.
"Probably not." Solar groaned. "None of us are Sirens, Gunzerkers, Commandos, or Assassins, but we've got Pinkie. She might be able to, I dunno, irritate the bastard to death."
"AND THEN IT'S A BYE-BYE EVIL MEANIE PARTY!" Pinkie shouted from in the circle. Somehow she was next to me. We all reeled back.
"Jesus, CHRIST, Pinkie!" I growled. "Ok, huddle over, ass kicking time!"
"LET'S GO KILL SOME DOGS!" Ebony roared in a Saxton Hale voice. All of a sudden, things flew onto our backs, landing sharply and heavily, before some bridles were put in our mouths. I realised these were dogs. I quickly looked at Ebony, who was moving his head around and rearing up like Joey in War Horse. That film was shit. Anyway, Ebony didn't have a bridle impeding his voice, and so he shouted. "Get the FU-MMPHRG!" Before he could finish, the dog riding him grabbed him, held him still, and rammed a bridle into his mouth. The bridles weren't difficult to remove. We all simply reached up and pulled them out. I angrily turned to my rider, a dimshitted looking brown dog wearing a helmet two sizes too large.
"Get your goddamn paws off me before I rip off your shitty little arms and bitch slap you with them, all day, EVERY day!" I yelled. The dog didn't even notice my yells of Samuel L. Jackson, instead opting to stare ahead as though he knew what was going on. He clearly didn't, so I yelled to the girls. "Twilight! Magic!" The lavender mare nodded, charging her horn, picking up all 11 dogs, before throwing them down the cavern, never to be seen again. Sighing with relief, we were all just about to report to the main group, when suddenly the roar once again smashed the silence.
"Ok, that thing's getting closer." Twilight finally said after we all began cautiously looking around. "Thunder, I thought you said Terramorphus wasn't re-" Finally, I cracked.
"OK OK, LOOK I THINK HE MIGHT BE REAL SOMETHING WAS MOVING DOWN THE CAVERN WHEN THE FIRST ROAR HAPPENED SO NOW I THINK HE MIGHT BE KILLING THOSE DOGS OH GOD THE GUILT WE JUST KILLED SOME DOGS WE'RE MURDERERS NOW SHITSHITSHITSHITSHIT-" I began yelling, unable to take the pressure. A sudden slap to the face snapped me out of it.
"Pull yourself together!" Came Fluttershy's stern voice. Everypony gasped at her sudden change of demeanour. "I thought you were supposed to be dating Princess Luna! PRINCESS LUNA, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD! What'll she think if you go to her crying that you might have killed some bullies? They might have been thrown down there, but that DOESN'T mean they've been eaten! You're supposed to be sane now, so SNAP OUT OF IT!" The usually timid Pegasus gave me a morale-boosting punch to the face, and I straightened up.
"YES MA'AM!"

This chapter will probably kill the story. Have fun!

"Rarity!" I boomed, my demon voice reverberating around the new cavern. "Senorita! We have come to save you, Senorita Rarity! Where are you, mi hermana?" I heard Twilight whisper behind me.
"Fluttershy, I think you broke him..." she chuckled. Fluttershy giggled quietly, hooves cruching stones beneath her. After the stare, she scared me. Now, after that 'morale boost', I'm fucking terrified of the timid Pegasus. I nervously cast a glance behind. I'd taken the rear of the group, followed by Twilight, Fluttershy, Sky, and Solar. Twilight's horn was aglow with a lavender aura, illuminating gems hidden in the walls. Since we were all kind of on edge due to the roars of an unknown beast, Solar and Ebony had taken to using a life-detect spell during each roar. Everypony was glowing blue or red, different colours depending on whichever of the two unicorns was performing the spell on them. However, in the distance, we were all fairly certain there was a blue glow that seemed to be slowly getting larger the further we went from it. I looked back to the front.
"At this rate," I muttered to myself, "I'll miss my frickin' date. Or meeting. Whatever."
Meeting.
Hey.
Hello. Well, since we haven't already, we have...come to apologize.
Why?
For our behaviour a few days ago. We were slightly wine touched, and-
No, no, it's alright. Slightly violating though.
Yes, we know. Sorry, a million times.
Oh, I need to ask: when's that carriage due to arrive?
Ummm...7:00 sharp, we believe.
Ok, thanks. Needed to know.
Why would thou need to know so much?
Erm, I'm kinda...sorta...rescuing Rarity from Diamond Dogs.
Oh? Feeling heroic, this day?
No: I got dragged along.
Well, still a story. Try to bring along anything thou may find; after all, those caves thou art in haven't really been fully explored by ponies.
Oh, and I just need to warn you about something.
What could thou need to warn us of?
Errr...there's some kind of monster down here that's been following us and reminds me of a fictional beast back in my dimension?
Thou must be jesting. Which beast?
Terramorphus the Invincible.
WHAT?!
You sound worried.
Yes, we are EXTREMELY worried for your safety! That beast used to terrorize Ponyville, Canterlot, Manehattan, everywhere! Avoid it at all costs!
O-Ok...what if we can't?
Fight it. 12 ponies, if you manage to find Miss Rarity, should be a difficult fight, but there is three times the chance you can defeat it.
Wait, that sounds famili-
It was banished to those caverns by 4 brave ponies. However, they never returned from their adventure. Personally, we believe the creature ate them.
Y-Yeah...I-I feel motivated by th-that statement...
And, if thou were to defeat it, we would reward thy companions handsomely...
Are you implying...?
Thou would be correct in assuming riches, glory, and mares.
Dayum. I'll try to beat it if it attacks. Unless, you're joking...
We do not jest. We never jest.
Well, the other night you 'jokingly' began to seduce me...
Silence.
Alright, Lulu.
SILENCE. NOW.
Jeezus, fine...
Errm, apologies. We shall see thou tonight, 8:30.
Alright.
And Thunder?
Yes?
10 days notice next time. Promise.
Ha, alright Miss Smarty Lingerie. See ya tonight.
"Guys." I said aloud. "Luna went into my head again, so I asked her about the creature." Rainbow hovered next to me, looking into my eyes expectantly.
"And?" she asked excitedly. "What'd she say?"
"She confirmed it was Terry, and to avoid it at all costs. Apparently it was banished here a thousand years ago by four brave ponies, who were promptly eaten." The group stopped in shock. All pupils in the area promptly shrank. Suddenly, a female cry split the air. Twilight's ears pricked up excitedly, a smile going to her face.
"That was Rarity!" she quickly said. Spike wasted no time in jumping onto Twilight's back, raising a sword shaped stick, and shouting.
"Hi ho Twilight, AWAY!" the dragon shouted bravely. Twilight simply turned, glared at him, and levitated him onto the floor again. The dragon looked upset, so I grinned from behind the skull.
"Hop on, warrior!" I laughed. The little lizard grinned, and leapt onto my back.
"Hi Ho Thunder, AWAY!" Spike shouted once more, pointing his mighty ebony blade forwards. No, seriously, it was ebony wood. Strong, but not as strong as box wood.
"Hold on, we're comin' Rarity!" I yelled, rearing up and galloping forward. I honestly felt awesome; I had a skull for a hat, there was a dragon riding on my back with a 'sword', and I was charging forward followed by the others. After a few sharp turns, we found the central cavern. It was even bigger than I expected. Huge gems encrusted the higher walls that the dogs presumably couldn't reach, smaller gems speckled the dark stone walls like oregano on chicken. Or some other shitty metaphor. All 11 ponies, plus the mighty Dragonborn on my back, took the dogs by surprise. None were wearing armour, carrying spears, or prepared. Instead, the few with mining tools dropped them as we began our assault. The battle was rather one sided; we ponies rounding the dogs up, the ones who fought back receiving a vicious smack from Spike's blade. The odd one or two managed to flee the cave, but didn't come back. In but a few moments, we had gathered every single dog, tied them up, and left them in a cart. Once we were sure they weren't going to escape, I trotted over to a cart in the far corner of the tunnel. Tied to that cart was a certain white and purple mare, smiling now that she had seen us TOTALLY kicking those dog's asses.
"Took your time." Rarity laughed as Spike dismounted my back, waddled over, and disconnected her from the wagon. I looked at the contents of the cart. There had to be well over 1,000,000 bits worth of gems in there! Red, green, purple, blue, yellow, every single size, shape and colour could be seen, and that was just the top layer of the pile. After a few moments of marvelling at the quantity of the gems, I turned to Rarity.
"Good to see you." I boomed, extending a hoof for her to shake. She took one look at my mask and rolled her eyes.
"It's an improvement, Thunder." Rarity smiled. "Better than your fe-"
"DON'T BRING IT UP." I roared. "And besides, that voice was sexy. Like, British female pirate captain. They're always sexy."
"Rarity, what does 'sexy' mean?" Spike asked. Rarity turned, smiled at him, before levitating a clump of gems to him. The dragon giggled excitedly, before charging off with his dinner.
"Clever."
"I am aware." Rarity laughed. "Are we going to leave now?"
"Yes. But, we'll need to avoid an ancient monster Thresher called Terramorphus the Invincible, and we need to get back to Ponyville by 7:00."
"Why? And please remove that head: it's side effect is rather off-putting." I did as she asked, and replied.
"Well," I began. "Princess Luna has requested to meet me in the flesh, and a carriage is arriving at 7:00 to take me to Canterlot for a 'date'. She claims it's a meeting, but most likely not." Rarity had her jaw agape with surprise.
"Princess Luna?" she asked. "Wow, Thunder, I didn't realise you were capable of such achievements."

"Neither was I. Now, shall we see about getting out of here?"

It was behind us. So we ran. A new route we found led us straight to the surface, and onto the same place we were in originally: same pile of dug up crap, same path I took with Dashie, same everything. Except this time we were being pursued by a bloody gigantic Thresher my friends and I thought fictional. Then again, we also thought ponies were fictional, look where that ended up. I instinctively cantered over to the pile with my friends. Quickly turning to the girls, Inferno yelled over.
"Girls! Go! Run now!" he shouted. "We'll be fine! I'll come back Twilight, I promise!" Twilight looked on the brink of tears, before quickly swallowing her fear, nodding, and running off down the mountain with the other girls. The moment they were surely out of sight, my male friends began to arm up with old armour and weapons we'd dug up. I selected a simple sword-and-old-piece-of-sheet-iron combo, whilst Ebony, being the only one of us who could lift it, elected to choose a hulking battleaxe. He levitated in by his side with a blue aura, equipped a bashed-to-shit chestplate, and nodded. I held the sword in one hoof, before positioning my -ahem- shield onto my other leg. Promptly, Solar picked up a spear, helmet, and boots. Inferno went for a visor-fitted helmet, before picking up a machete. I was surprised this stuff even existed in a peaceful place like Equestria. Fire Trail put on a hulking pair of spiked boots, thick chestplate, and nothing else. He looked at us.
"I'm the motherfucking Juggernaut." He growled. We laughed, before continuing our search. Sky, finally, had settled with two axes he wrapped in his wings. Nodding, saying our last words (we presumed), we turned...
And then ran down the mountain like a bunch of fucking pussies, yelling and looking back as the huge tentacles shot up from the place we were stood a few moments ago. Seeing no other options, I told Sky, Inferno, Ebony, and Solar to try getting us back quickly.

"TELEPORT US! FLY! WHATEVER! JUST GET US BACK ALIVE!" I yelled over the extremely loud Thresher noises behind us. The earth shook and boomed, rocks fell, and the ground parted beneath our feet. Just before Terry grabbed us, there was a blinding flash of purple light as Ebony and Solar magicked us all away at once.

From back in Ponyville, I doubt Twilight could comprehend what had happened. She claims we disappeared by magic, appeared in Ponyville, before Terramorphus stopped. Apparently, the poor fellow simply waved his tentacles, looked around, made a loud, sad sounding noise, before slowly making his way back to the caverns.
Whatever happened, it would be an awesome story to tell Luna.

Author's Note

Got bored. Thought it needed Terramorphus, and then I presumably just murdered what little enjoyable-ness this story had. Feel free to piss on my grave when I die. Y'all have fun now.

It is not a date; this is merely a meeting that may or may not result in intercourse with one of the sexiest ponies alive.

When we arrived back, a huge cheer arose. We six stallions, who had looted a bunch of old armour that had been buried in the ground, had just fled from a gigantic Thresher, and yet they cheered us? I gave a few nods to ponies, a fake smile on my face, before it began to die down. We simply stood there, surrounded by citizens of Ponyville, looking slightly awkward. Finally, Ebony stepped forward and cleared his throat.
"Yep...err...we're back...yeah." he said quite loudly. Suddenly, from the back of the audience, somepony blurted out just what I didn't want them to.
"SPEECH!" the stallion yelled. Soon, a few more joined in, shouting 'SPEECH' in a sort of cacophany of shouting. And, within a few minutes, I got bored and wandered off to go get ready for my night out. Please don't ask, please don't ask, please don't as-
"Thunder! Where are you going?" somepony called after me. I paused, contemplated answering, before ignoring it and continuing to the house. I heard clanking hoofsteps clank up to me from behind, so I turned: coming face to face with Fire Trail.
"Ehm, Thunder?" he whispered.
"Yeah? Could this not wait until we get home?" I replied with a sigh.
"No."
"Fine, what?"
"Well, you can't get ready without any clothes..."
"And?"
"You don't have any clothes..."
"And?"
"Well, the thing is you said Princess Luna wanted you to arrive in clothes."
"Where is this even leading, Fire?"
"Look, just ask Rarity for some clothes. If not, just clean up the armour you're wearing and just wear that."

"I'm likin' the last option." I grinned, before turning and trotting home. Behind me, an exasperated Fire muttered that I was being a dumbass and trotted back to the crowd.

Before I started to clean up and polish off the armour, I made a mental note to check for previous owner names, armies, platoons, anything that might tell me who owned it originally. For all I know, Celestia herself may have worn this. Unlikely though, because, not even joking, her ass was probably perfect back then, so my stomach would be being crushed. Not wasting any more time, I turned the tap on and ran the rusted chestplate underneath the running water. I waited several moments before scrubbing away at the rust with a wire brush and soap. I was surprised the former of those two objects even existed, actually, but I ignored it. Already seeing a difference between where I had and hadn't scraped off the iron oxide, my hoof pressed even harder and cut through the rust like a katana through an innocent Japanese farmer. Just before I could begin on the boots and sword, a voice called out. Southern accented, female, and presumably the owner was trotting at a pace, I assumed it was Applejack.
"Thunder!" she called out. "Rarity needs t' see y'all!"
"Alright." I replied, shutting off the tap, putting the stuff inside the house, before leaping the fence with a wing-propelled burst and going at a remotely swift pace towards Applejack. The cowpony was smiling, so I'm assuming this was bad.
"Hey y'all." she smiled, turning and trotting alongside myself as we both headed to Rarity's. "Rarity said she owed everypony a favour for savin' her, and she thought y'all would need to use your favour to prepare for your date tonight."
"It is not a DATE." I firmly stated. "It is simply a meeting. And I was considering just wearing the metal boots and chestplate I found back on the mountain, both polished to a shine."
"Y'all really wanted to wear that old stuff?" Applejack groaned. "To be honest, I admit it'd look nice all shined up, but it might take y'all a while to get it off when...y'all and Luna."
"Shut up." I growled. "Lest I alert the girls to you and Solar."
"Alright tough guy," she laughed as we went past the Town Hall.."Y'all win this round. Just don't be surprised when the mares are in season. None of 'em will be gunnin' for you, I can tell ya that much."
"That shit happens?" I asked.
"Y'all and your virginity wouldn't last two minutes when that time comes. But your friend Sky? Apparently he's after Rainbow."
"Far as I know." I snorted as we arrived at the boutique. It seemed bigger than I remembered it from my few times I'd went there out of boredom. Opening the door, I cautiously trotted inside to see Rarity working feverishly away on the sewing machine. Her mane was dishevelled, red rimmed glasses were balanced on the tip of her snout, and she seemed satisfied with what she was doing. I coughed to gain her attention.
"Hello darling." she greeted from the sewing machine, not averting her eyes from what she was doing. From what I could see, it looked like a tie. "I'll be with you within une momento." I rolled my eyes at her display of knowledge about other countries. She finished off the tie, before standing and looking at me. "Thunder! You're here. Goodo. Now, I believe you have a date with a mare, hmmm?" she smirked.
"Yes," I replied, worried by how close she was leaning. "Princess Luna, to be precise."
"Ooh, that makes it even more important you look your very finest!" Rarity squealed, rubbing a hoof in my mane.
"Very." I rolled my eyes.
"Well, I decided that to thank you, I shall make you a fine suit for your date. No charge, so enjoy!" Rarity gestured over to a ponnequin wearing a crisp black tuxedo, black tie, and fine shoes, along with a black fedora. I grinned.
"Nice one. Thanks for this." I smirked. I looked at the clock. 5:00, enough time to get ready, go to the library, and chill for an hour and a half.

"Not a problem, dear. I am the element of generosity, after all!" Rarity laughed. "Go get changed in the cubicle provided: the fruits of my effort are to be observed at last!" I followed her advice as the suit was levitated into the cubicle, hung on a rail, before she pulled the curtains. "Enjoy!" she called as I began to put the shirt on.

I pulled the curtains, satisfied with how I looked, and received a small clap from Rarity.
"Nicely fitted, Rarity." I commended her. "I never gave you my size? Or, unless you snuck in whilst I slept." I laughed.
"Oh, stop it." Rarity blushed. "And anyway, I sized you up the first time we met. You know, when you and your friends trotted in, looking amazed by everything."
"Ha, look how far we've come." I laughed.
"Yes, originally you weren't exactly Fancy Pants, but now: you're about to go for an evening with Princess Luna! You grew up so fast."
"I suppose. And this is free?"
"Of course: Element of Generosity, and all that."
"Well, probably gonna stop off for some cologne on the way to the library. Need me to buy you anything whilst I'm in Canterlot?" I asked. Rarity looked confused. "Just repayment for this: I can get you some fabrics and stuff on the way back. Need any?"
"Err...no thank you, darling. Just enjoy your evening. And if it gets to the bedroom, be sure to enjoy THAT, too."
"Oh, I loathe your incredibly good innuendo drive." I sniggered as I left the door. "I'll try to enjoy the latter if it happens. Bye!"
"See you soon! Be sure to recommend my shop to any Elite you might meet!"

"I will! See ya!"

This shop was pretty awesome. It sold cologne, potions, artifcats of value, and in the back, what appeared to be neurotoxin. Not sure if the latter was legal, though.
Legal or not, either way I was leaving with some cologne. As soon as I entered the door to 'Chemical Composition's Colognes and Perfumes', I headed right, looked on the shelf, and one immediately caught my eye. Labelled 'The First Date', the container was in the shape of a di-NONONONONONONONONONONOOOOOO!
I immediately moved away and ran from the shop. AS FAST AS I POSSIBLY COULD. Eventually, when I got about 50 metres away, I slowed, and began trotting at a steady pace to Twilight's library. However, just as I went past the café, a female wolf whistle was directed towards me, followed by female giggling. I smirked, looked over, and saw Colgate, Berry Punch, Bon-Bon, Lyra, and Vinyl Scratch sat at one table. I assumed this was the 'girly meet' that Colgate had pissed me off with, and went over.
"Well well, look at you!" Colgate giggled as I approached. "Where you off to? You seeing a mare?" The other girls around the table oooh'd at the comment.
"Ah, yes." I replied.
"Who?" Vinyl asked. "Is it Octavia? She seems like a perfect match for you."
"Higher up in the social ladder." I said casually. Berry thought for a moment, before getting an idea.
"Ooh, Upper Crust? She seems like you AND higher in the ladder." the purple mare said. "Is it her?"
"Even higher..." I muttered as I grinned. The girls around the table seemed impressed.
"Fleur de Lis?" Lyra asked.
"Top of the ladder. Runs everything."
"W-What...?" All the girls stuttered at once. "O-One of the P-Princesses? You're joking."
"No." I replied. "Princess Luna has decided to invite me up to Canterlot for the evening, as thanks for returning her from Nightmare Moon."
"Woah..." Vinyl murmured.
"I know. That's what this suit's for. And girls..." I laughed. "...you would not BELIEVE some of the implications I'm assuming." That seemed to unfreeze them as they began laughing.
"Wow, first you were a nutjob nopony wanted to be near, now Princess Luna might be interested in you. Lucky stallion." Colgate smirked. "And who knows; maybe the future holds a 'Prince Thunder Mustang'?"
"Probably not." I snorted. "Bandits'll get me first."
"Or Terramorphus the Invincible." Bon-Bon laughed.
"Ha ha, utterly hilarious." I rolled my eyes. "And besides, that thing is bloody terrifying."
"Sure he is..." Vinyl trailed off. "Well, enjoy yourself tonight, Thunder. If you know what I mean."
"Oh my god Vinyl..." I groaned as the girls burst out laughing.

The most interesting pony alive...and she has the best ass.

The carriage just felt...empty. I mean don't get me wrong, the princesses travel in style, but it was just a whole carriage: designated for me and only me. Sitting there, I couldn't help but miss my grinds, and feel slightly selfish that she'd only invited me and none of the others. I decided to have a quick snooze before I arrived, and in the possibility of asking the Princess. Lowering the brow of my fedora over my eyes, I crossed my legs, put my forehooves behind my head, and gradually nodded off in the silence of the carriage soaring through the air.

A vast empty void. Nothing but darkness. It seemed that I was stood on SOME solid surface, but I wasn't sure what. I looked down at my hooves in curiosity. The surface below appeared to be a warm, deep blue carpet, which went out of view after about 5 metres. Shrugging, I began to quietly trot down it, hooves making a nearly silent noise as they pressed into the carpet. After a few minutes of walking, I spotted a light source. Faint as it was, I could loosely make out the shape of a Vault symbol glowing white. As I approached, I saw it was emblazoned onto a door that had nearly no means of opening it. Except a small note.
Let us make the most of our time together, yes?
All of a sudden, the door hissed and clanked open, twisting, folding, retracting, and finally sinking into the floor. Unfortunately, it appeared there was nothing through it, but I headed in anyway. Just as I headed in, a loud BANG behind signalled the door had just shut.
I was locked in.
"Thunder..." purred a voice as calming as the night.
"Who said that?" I stupidly asked. I obviously knew who did.
"Thou must know who we are..." the voice replied. "For thou melts at our slightest touch..." I felt something breathing on my shoulder all of a sudden. My first instinct was to move away, but it was a...relaxing sensation. Instead of fleeing, I opened my neck up slightly by moving my head. "Ooh, thou art enjoying this?" the voice whispered. "Let us perform this post-meeting. We shall prove that we are the more social of the princesses..."
I weakly nodded.

"Now then:" the voice resumed. "Awake."

I almost immediately did so. My eyes snapped open, and I sat up. Casting a quick glance out the window, I saw that it had just become a lot foggier. I rolled my eyes. That's an implication. I thought. Though, through the thick fog, I could see we were still airborne, and coming in to land. Buildings, rooftops, and the occasional pegasi went quickly past the window, before finally the ground came into view. I braced myself for a hard landing, grabbing the bar at the side, and tensing my legs for support.
Nothing.
I groaned loudly.
"Ugh, this is the princesses' carriage..." I sighed, standing up. "Course it'd be shock absorbing." I promptly opened the door, stepped out, and headed to the front of the carriage. Through the fog, I could make some details out about Canterlot: a lot of things were white. Few black things could be seen, beside the odd gutter, and it just seemed...surreal. Too perfect. However, not being one to complain, I thanked the guards who towed the carriage and looked for the mare I was told to find. Apparently, my guide was a tan mare with black mane and glasses, with parchment and quill for a cutie mark.
"Mr Mustang?" a female voice asked from behind. I turned at the voice, and there was the mare in question. She was around my height, maybe slightly smaller, and her glasses had steamed up from the fog.
"Yep, that's me." I replied casually, straightening my tie and fedora.
"Would you follow me please?"
"Alright." I nodded as the mare trotted off to one door across the courtyard. It was pretty dark; it was Luna's time, after all, so torches illuminated the area as her guards stood by the walls instead of Celestia's guards. The mare in front pushed the door open, I followed her through, and we found ourselves in a great hall. As I went past, I couldn't help but marvel at the architecture and paintings, however I made sure to follow the guide. Just before I could try to spark a conversation with the quiet mare, she halted outside a large, deep blue door. Emblazoned on it was Luna's cutie mark.
"Here we are." the mare quietly said. "Enjoy your evening."
"You too." I replied. With that, the mare trotted off down the hall. I shrugged at her quietness, before reaching out and knocking on the door. The 3 bangs echoed through the corridors, before the doors opened themselves. A blue aura pulled the doors open as the guards on the other side opened it, and I cautiously headed inside. The room was big, with a small table in the centre, and there were only two seats. Assuming Princess Luna was late to something she had organised, I went cautiously over to the table and waited by the side of it. I wasn't really hungry, but waiting eventually got me bored. After what felt like 2 hours, she finally arrived. She had really just maxed out her beauty metre this time.
"Sorry for the lateness." she quickly said, trotting over to the table. "We were caught up with a small letter to the Gryphonian Empire Capital." She had elected to wear a blue dress that covered her flanks and rear legs, much like a cloak, and had somehow tied her mane into a ponytail (ERMAHGERD THER PERNS). She still wore the regalia, with the crown sitting (quite literally) pretty atop her head, the necklace holding the cloak in place, and diamond shoes clinking against the marble flooring.
"No problem." I replied, still in awe at her beauty. "I don't mind."
"It is of no fault of your own that we were late." she smiled. "Please, take a seat." I obliged quietly, pulling the chair opposite out and sitting on it. It was strangely the perfect size. Once seated, we simply looked at each other quite awkwardly for about 5 minutes.
"Mmmmm..." I finally said. "This is awkward..."
"Yes, quite." Luna replied with a sigh. Suddenly, she must have thought of a topic of conversation. "So how was the rescue earlier? Did thou manage to find her?"
"Yes, we did actually." I replied. "And then we ran because Terramorphus was probably trying to eat us."
"We heard his roars from our tower." she replied. "He was louder than we remember him being a thousand years ago."
"And larger I'm assuming?"
"Yes, MUCH larger. Originally he was a beast the size of 5 Manticores, now it seems like...5000."
"Oh, those must have been the days. When you could probably have stoned him to death. Now, you'd need to send him to five different suns to scratch his armour."
"Yes, the days when, take no offense, fools much like thou would stay clear of him."
"None taken. And we did manage to find some ancient blades and armour. I was cleaning mine up, but I never finished."
"Hmm, sounds interesting. Which mountain did thou find this equipment?"
"Terramorphus Peak, I'll call it. It's the one with some gem caverns underneath."
"Oh, Diamondhoof Mountain? I was there at the time of the battle. For all we know, thou may have picked up our chestplate."
"Nah, it didn't your perfect figure. Seemed more like a stallion's chestplate."
"Oh, stop it, thou." Luna began blushing. "As we have said before, have no romantic attraction towards thee. Minor innuendos aside, we shall not be flirting."
"Hm. When I was sleeping earlier, yo-"
"Unimportant!" she quickly replied, eyes darting. "It, ah, is humorous to watch though squirm under our touch."
"Course it is..." I chuckled.
"Well, shall we get this evening started?"

Wow, you can hold your beer. Now I'm in love.

The passing hours blurred together into one incredibly anecdote filled evening. Princess Luna's tales ranged from her first encounter with combat, to when she and her sister took on Discord. Mine; Running from Terramorphus, looting a box of diamonds, and such other usual Minecraft-like crap. Dig, hide from misters, find shit, take it. That's it.
"So, thou seems to be relatively good at digging things up." Luna noted, taking a beer from the small ice bucket beside her. She popped the lid off, chugged it, before placing it down. "Did thou not consider Archaeology rather than the Weather Patrol?" I realised that was a good point, and facehoofed.
"Aaahhh...should have thought of that..." I groaned. "Well, I had wings...and I move clouds pretty fast...so...yep." I looked on the table. Several empty beer bottles were arranged in a group, or clustered about the table. Most of them were hers, but only about 6 were mine. I quietly cursed my inability to hold alcohol whilst listening to the Princess continue on about how I should have got a job as an archaeologist.
"...perfect pay, interesting daily routine, and you usually get to keep what you find. If the item isn't already in a museum and you have a copy, that is." Luna continued. "We were an archaeologist ourself for a short time; for the museum now known as the Canterlot City Museum. Back when we worked there, it was called 'The Discord Museum', after the figure stood in the gardens."
"Wow, you've done a lot in your life." I mused. Luna simply puffed out her chest proudly. "Still haven't defeated Terramorphus, though." I laughed.
"Thou art a moodkiller." she groaned. Once again, she opened a beer.
"How many beers have you had tonight?" I asked, rather worried for her liver.
"Alicorns like our sister and us have an immunity to most poisons; a necessity if thou were to rule ancient Equestria. If a member of the Royal Council were to tire of his position, he would have two options; exit his position, or try for the throne. Most ponies chose the former, save for a brave few who selected the latter. Ascending the throne was no easy task: a would-be monarch would have to murder the current ruler secretly. The only way to do so secretly was with poison, so immunity was a must."
"Sounds tough." I whistled.
"Twas just that. In total, 57 attempts were made on our sisters' life, with a neglect to attempt our murder. A common misconception was that by killing one Princess, the assassin would gain the hoof of the second in marriage. Whenever that excuse was brought up, we...personally, dealt with it."
"Yikes."
"Hmmph. We art not terrifying now, but back then brutality secured safety."
"Fun times." I groaned. The alcohol was really getting to me. It was easy to tell it was having an effect; Luna's eyes suddenly seemed a lot deeper, more loving, and seductive, as well as the sudden curves she had gained. However, these were the only effects that came up, aside from a hangover the next morning.
"Hmmm..." Luna quietly asked, putting a hoof to her chin and narrowing her eyes at me. "Art thou feeling alright? Thou seems...woozy."
"Meh, probably just the alcohol." I replied. "Doesn't seem to be getting me so drunk that I begin telling everypony they're my 'bestest buddy', or whatever. Equestrian beer is pretty good for that, I must say."
"Special Manehattan brew." Luna smiled. Her teeth were a dazzingly bright white. "Magically brewed, aged, and bottled since the brewery opened. Enjoying it?"
"Yep." I replied. "Still kind of drunk, though. Things to note about my drunk level are the fact that the room seems slightly blurred, and you seem waaay more attractive than you were earlier. And you were very attractive then." Luna blushed furiously.
"Erm, yes, the alcohol, um, might do that..." she trailed off. Her mane seemed much more enticing now.
"You know, I'd better just stop drinking now so I don't say any more weird things. Like the fact that there's fog entering the room that's green."
"No, there isn't, you fool." Luna rolled her eyes. "And yes, stop drinking. If you wouldn't mind, that is?"
"Oh, I just noticed that your manner of speech changed. Like, you don't say 'thou', 'thee', and 'we' anymore."
"I have?" she asked, looking rather confused. She realised what she just said and squee'd in delight."I HAVE! I must have picked it up from you!" Her happy face nearly exploded my heart from adorableness.
"You're welcome." I smiled. "Either my speech pattern rubbed off on you, or you're a bit drunk."
"Most likely the first one." she laughed. "I don't get drunk. When it was possible for me to get drunk, it was quite amusing actually. Several stallions were bedded, law enforcement was fought off, I accidentally snogged my sister, life was good."
"You kissed your sister?" I gasped, a smile on my face.
"Oh yeah. 4 shots of Gryphonian vodka can do that to you..." Luna looked kind of embarassed. "Those stallions were never heard from again, though."
"Tough love." I snorted in reply.
"Hey, for the record; they spanked my plot first." At that comment, we both looked into each others eyes for a moment, before we burst out laughing. Thank god the guards had been dismissed hours ago. Minutes of laughter rang out through the hall.

Avoiding relationships. Skill level: NON-EXISTENT.

I swear that Princess Luna INTENDED for me to get drunk. Somehow she had this weird...way to get me to keep drinking. Every time I finished a beer, a few minutes later she'd offer me one, I'd agree due to excessive drunk levels, and the cycle would repeat. So far, including the six I'd had before, I had finished 9 full pints. Miss Immune-To-Drinking-Alcohol-And-Poison, however, was sat as though barely any kind of alcohol was pumping through her veins.
"So," she said, voice dragging slightly slower than it first was so as not to injure my beer-soaked brain, "I decided, 'They don't love me, so I won't lower the moon.' My sister didn't like that, and y'know what she did then?"
"Dunno," I groaned. "Banished you to the moon?"
"SHE BANISHED ME TO THE MOON!" Luna yelled, nearly throwing me off my seat. I struggled to get back up, the alcohol finally impeding my balance. Luna's plot seemed to be perfect now, and when I finally dragged myself back into my seat, Luna was looking slightly worried. "Err...apologies." she said quietly, clearly stifling a laugh that she'd nearly thrown me into a wall.
"No problem..." I winced. "Probably should be heading home now." I looked at the clock on the wall as I said that. 11:00. Christ, I thought, Felt like days...damn alcohol...
"Not in that state." Luna firmly proclaimed. "Allow me to use an anti-poison spell to clear up the alcohol in your veins, you wait about ten minutes, then head on home. Does that sound good?"
"Mm-hmm." I grunted in reply. My 'date' closed her eyes, horn glowing a brilliant blue, and concentrated. I felt a pulse sharply wash over my body like water, before receding. Luna opened her eyes.
"Faaantastic." she nodded with a smile. Her teeth didn't seem as bright now. "Now we wait ten minutes for the effects to recede. Would you like to come to the balcony?"
"Y-Yeah, ok." I replied. My voice wasn't as slurred now, just stuttery. "I'd l-love you."
"What?" Luna asked, ears pricking up. I realised what I said, blushed with the force of eleventy-bazillion suns, and rapidly corrected my mistake.

"WHAT NOTHING I SAID I'D LOVE TO GO COME ON WHY DON'T YOU LEAD THE WAY SO NOTHING AWKWARD HAPPENS." I rattled out. Luna reeled back, nodded slowly whilst looking worried, stood up, and lead the way out of the room.

It took less than 3 minutes to reach the balcony, which meant I had more time to really think about my mistake.
Christ, can't believe I said that. I don't love her; I lost any attraction to her the moment she took over my mind all those months ago. I can't get in a relationship with her: she's royalty! The paparazzi would never leave me alone, and I'd get in trouble for cutting up a crowd of new journalists with the knife! Hmmm...wonder where that knife is...? And the gun. Celly said she was doing SOMETHING with the gun, and a special branch was creating _____? What were they making? Fireworks? Bombs? Guns? I can only hope. But anyway: I can't get in a relationship with a goddess. What about my friends back in Ponyville? What about getting back to Earth? No wait, screw that last part: hopefully I never go back. On a more cheerful note, I'm not as drunk as I was before! Yes!
Just then, a knocking on the back of my head snapped me out of my stupor. I shook my head quickly, and looked to my right. I must have been so deep in thought that I didn't realise we'd reached the balcony. Luna was just kind of...sat next to me, looking at me as though I was supposed to do something.
"Ummm...Thunder...care to sit...?" she trailed off, gesturing with a hoof.
"Uh, yeah, sorry. Just...thinking." I replied as I sat beside her. The moon was full, and huge at that, stars were sprinkled generously through the sky, whilst clouds placed sparingly showed that the fog had lifted. Down below, lights shone in Canterlot streets, clearly outlining the paths and toads around the city. Plus, you could see nearly the entirety of Equestria. I wish I still had my camera phone.
"What about?" Luna asked.
"Just...what I said earlier." I sighed.
"That is no problem." she replied. "I know you didn't mean to say it. Or...I hope you didn't?" she smiled.
"N-No. I-I didn't." I shakily replied.
"Cold?"
"No."
"Lying?"
"No."
"Tired?"
"Kind of. Why, you gonna rape my mind again?"
"No." After a moment where both of us kind of sat awkwardly next to each other, goddess and...not goddess, I finally cleared my throat.
"I am cold." I sighed. Just as I began to rub my hooves together, a sudden...blanket. It fell across my back, encompassing my entire form, my wings, and lower neck, and it felt damn good. Warm, fluffy, and strangely comforting, and appeared from nowhere. I looked behind me at the sheet. Princess Luna had shuffled closer quite quickly, and put her left wing over my shivering form. She looked slightly embarassed.
"Thank you." I smiled, looking up at her. She looked back at me, teal eyes gazing into my blue eyes. They seemed incredibly deep. I was lost for words: She was beautiful. Just then, we began to lean forward, eyes closing, and-
WAIT WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING?!?!?!
"PRINCESS!" I shouted, quickly scrambling back and huddling over in a corner on the balcony. Princess Luna did the exact same thing, except more panicked. "WE NEARLY-"
"I KNOW!" she shouted back, breathing heavily as we both panicked. "WE CAN'T DO THIS!"
"I KNOW!" I replied quickly, huddling up in a ball. We both stared at each other.
"OK, I should go." I finally said, standing up.
"Y-Yes, you should. Just in case." she stuttered back.
"But really, what happened there?" I asked. "If I hadn't have stopped us, we might have ended up in bed together!"
"I-I know." Luna replied, shakily getting to her hooves. "Errm. I...could send you home?" she asked.
"That would be good. This was a nice evening, except the last minute where we nearly ended up having se-"
"OK, YES IT WAS, GOODBYE." Luna quickly rattled off, horn glowing blue much quicker than usual as she rapidly teleported me. For a moment, I had no clue where I was, until I received the sensation of falling. I sighed, opened my wings, and looked around. I had appeared above Ponyville. Ponies below were looking up at me in confusion, as though they had expected me to arrive in the carriage. Nodding, landing, and greeting the few ponies I recognised, I began to head home. As I flew, I couldn't help but let one thought cross my mind.

Damn, she's accurate at teleporting.

Pushing the door open, I heard a yell from inside the living room.
"Thunder!" Sky yelled. "You're back!"
"Yes," I laughed, "I am back. How was your evening? Thought you'd be asleep." I asked as I trotted in and threw my hat on the table.
"Can't." Ebony sighed.
"Why?" I asked. "Too much coffee?"
"No..." Fire replied, pointing upstairs. "Worse..." I followed his hoof, yet saw nothing. To show that, I looked at him confusedly. "Listen." he sighed. I did so. At first I heard nothing, but then...oh you are shitting me.
"HOW'D YA LIKE THEM APPLES?!" Solar yelled from upstairs, followed by Applejack's moans of ecstasy as a repeated banging thumped on the roof above. Solar's room was directly above us, as well as Ebony's. I grinned at the grey unicorn.
"Have fun getting to sleep." I laughed. I'm gonna go get changed." I said as I stood up. Sky, Fire, and Ebony nodded as I left the room. I already knew the route to my room, obviously, and so I headed there quickly. I made a lot of noise that night as I went up the stairs. Those noises and shouts from the other room had to be muffled. Clomping along the landing, I went to my room. Just before I opened the creaky door, a voice from Inferno's room nearly prompted me to dive out the window.
"Let's see how hard you've studied, my pupil..." came Twilight's voice, followed by grunts and moans. I decided to just open my door quickly, throw off my clothes even quicker, and sort my mane out downstairs.

Then I'd pull my eardrums out of my nostrils.

Letter? Screw that, RUN!

We needed a friendship ideal to tell Celestia about. Anything'd do, it just needed to be a letter about friendship! We'd held it off all week so we could think of one, and now we were panicking. Not Twilight-level panic, but you know what I mean.
"Dear Princess Celestia," Ebony began, sounding important. I swear I heard birds singing and a flute in the background. "This week we learned-"
"No, no..." I cut in. "Too cliché. Twilight's probably used it already...ummm..."
"Dear Princess Celestia," Sky began, clearing his throat. "Today was an important day, for we learned that-"
"Mmm...nah..." Inferno cut in. "We've been at this for hours!"
"Well, let's see you do better!" Ebony challenged, standing up from the library floor. The girls, being the girls they are, were simply stood at the sidelines of the library laughing. Inferno told us that Twilight invited them round to laugh at us. Not today.
"Alright!" the tiny Pegasus yelled back at the towering unicorn. "Dear your majesties Luna and Celestia, our friendship has truly been tested this week."
"O...k..." Ebony replied sadly, sitting down as the girls just laughed. "Well, go on then." Inferno now looked embarassed.
"Ummm...ok..." he cleared his throat. "First, two of us are in relationships with your students' friends, and kept us up all night with their continuous sex. I am banging your student, which is awesome..." he continued. None of us heard what else he said. Twilight did, but we didn't: we were all on the floor in stitches of laughter. Well, up until he mentioned two other ponies. "...Solar says the hard-working farmer is as she claims in bed: tight, fast, powerful, pleasurable." Applejack and Solar stood up, pulling the same face as Twilight. "...however, it seems my single friend Ebony Chopper has his eye on you, so watch out." At that moment, we all died. Ebony was trying to commit ritual suicide simultaneously alongside Solar, AJ, and Twilight. "Plus, not to mention that my pal Sky Wheel is preparing to ask Rainbow Dash on a date, and that Fire Trail wants Rarity, this will be an eventful week. Wish us luck, and our friendships will stay strong." Everypony but me and Inferno was pulling the same shocked face.
"D-Don't send that...please..." Twilight begged. Suddenly, Spike ran in, clutching a scroll.
"Twilight!" he shouted. "Letter from Celestia! Read! Please!" Twilight shook her head clear, grabbed it, and began to read. She didn't read aloud, so it was private. Meanwhile, the others were trying to make Inferno's brain explode with their pissed-off doom glares. Suddenly, Spike's voice piped up. "Wow, you wrote a reply quick!" he quipped, picking up the letter on the table. I saw Twilight's expression freeze when she heard that. "Shall I sen-"
"NO!" was the collective group reply with a yell.
"Yes." I casually replied, looking innocent as possible. I was joking around, until I heard the fwoosh of a letter being sent. I opened my eyes just in time to see the smoke wisping and curling out the window with green sparks. My heart sank like the Titanic just then: if the Titanic had been made of solid bedrock, weighed 1,000,000,000,000,000 tonnes and appeared 20000 miles in mid-air above a desert. I looked to the group. All had shrunken pupils the size of pinpricks, and Inferno was beside himself with laughter.
"Guys, girls." Twilight calmly said, eye twitching as she smiled.
"Oh shit, this ain't good..." I whispered to Inferno, looking to the door.
"GET THEM!" Twilight roared, bursting into flames. The group responded by yelling at me and Inferno as we made a sharp beeline for the door. The library seemed huge now, much larger than I remember it, and now I was being pursued by former allies. I felt like Saren from the first Mass Effect.
"INFERNO, RUN!" I yelled back, just as I bashed the door down. I shook my head clear of concussion, spat blood out onto the floor in front of shocked onlookers, and ran faster than ever. Just as I was certain I'd nearly escaped, a rage-filled voice rang out in the street.
"I'LL GIVE 1000 BITS TO THE PONY WHO BRINGS ME THUNDER MUSTANG OR INFERNO CLOUD! DEAD MAYBE, ALIVE PREFERABLE!" Twilight screeched, the voice cracking through the air like a whip. shitshitshitshitshitshitshitshit I screamed in my mind. I only had a few seconds before somepony came after me. More accurately, everypony, including: Equestria's fastest flier, members of the weather patrol, Equestria's most talented magic student, a farmer who could easily catch me, almost the entire town, a Shire Horse called Big Mac, and a shit load of mares. All of them wanted 1000 bits, and would kill me for it. Just as I rounded a corner into Main Street, I realised my mistake and tried to back up.
Too late.
A whole wall of ponies had amassed, and it seemed that the entirety of Ponyville was preparing to stampede. At the helm, Rainbow, AJ, Rarity, and Twilight, all looking 50 times as pissed as each other combined. They were at the other end of the street, and just before I could turn and run down a side street...
Nice try!
Walls of magic had appeared to block every exit, each a different colour. And in some feat of insane magical energy consumption, the whole street was barricaded in from the sky. Just me and a horde of angry ponies all trapped in a box. Couldn't get any better.
"I'll give you one chance to turn yourself in to us!" Rainbow called, stepping forward. "And I promise: your torture will be done in 5 minutes!"
"BULLSHIT!" I yelled back. "YOU'LL JUST ADD AN EXTRA ZERO TO THE END!"
"Thunder!" a familiar voice called from above. Instinctively, I turned to defend myself, but slightly relaxed when I saw who it was. Charcoal coat, greyish-blue Mohawk, quick grin, Thunderlane. Just before I kicked him, he spoke quickly. "Look, I'm not here for the cash! You're my best friend, I'm not betraying you!"
"Fine," I sighed, "But one false move and you'll wish you were never born. Can't trust anypony."
"Ok, ok." he whimpered. "They're planning a charge, and everypony but me wants the cash. If we can meet with Inferno, we can get up to Canterlot and hide out there. Sound good?"
"Yeah, but how're we getting past this lot...?"
"Sewers." Thunderlane mouthed.
"Doors?" Twilight yelled. "Thanks for giving us your plans!"
"Play along." Thunderlane hissed.
"Goddamn it, Thunderlane!" I yelled. "You told them the plan!"
"Shut up! You got into this mess, you can get out!" he replied, before mouthing, 'Meet you in the sewer drop off outside town.'
"Good luck, asshole." I winked. He nodded, and flew back to the crowds.
"CHARGE!" Twilight bellowed. The crowd roared its approval as it charged forward as one, a heaving mass of horns aglow, wings flared, and charging Shire Horses. I steeled myself, and began to gallop towards them. Former friends, minor goddesses, an entire town all against me and my two best friends.
Here we go...

I feel like I just punched a Xenomorph. Hey, are these the Caustic Caverns?

The herd charged, screaming battle cries and charging magic. I returned the favour; shouting 'Fuck You!' to those I hated, darting to the side to avoid magic blasts, the like. Finally, when I could nearly see the rage bouncing around Twilight's eyes as she led the charge, I leapt into the air with a sharp, wing propelled flap. Throwing myself over Twilight, Applejack, and a few other ponies I didn't recognise/absolutely hated, I opened both my wings with a sharp motion and jetted over the crowd.
"Shoot him down!" I heard Twilight order some others. Sure enough, sizzling magic bursts began to flick past my high speed body. All the spectrum colours could be seen; blue, red, green, yellow, lavender (no prizes), and eventually, black. I didn't even think the last one was possible. Just as I saw my exit, a small hatch behind the crowd, and began to head towards it, a massive jolt of burning enveloped my right wing. I yelled out in pain, dropped altitude slightly, and winced in pain as it felt like I was being corroded. I resisted the urge to look, and concentrated on reaching that manhole. A small window of opportunity arose when Thunderlane darted forward, ripped the hatch open, and usbered me inside. Shakily, I landed, stumbled, and fell into the manhole. It was dark in the sewers, and the light source was shut off when the lid was closed and bolted shut by Thunderlane.
"Sup." Inferno yawned from behind. I looked, and sure enough the little green Pegasus was sat, making a half-arsed effort to look interested in anything. "Nice wound. Corrosive?"
"Probably..." I whined, getting back to my hooves and looking at the wound. A huge patch of flesh had completely, and violently, disintegrated, before being cauterized with a strange green substance. It hung in small clumps of my fur, before corroding those. Sadly, I watched my fine blue fur die in a patch of corrosion.
"Ok." Thunderlane said as he landed from his locking of the manhole. "We have the whole town hunting us, and no doubt will they find a way down here. One of us is seriously injured by something that looks like acid, deadly acid at that, and all three of us are wanted colts. Fun frickin' times." he groaned, stomping a black hoof on the floor.
"Yeah," I spoke carefully, so as not to aggravate my condition. "Probably not the best idea to send, or write, that letter."
"Letter?" Thunderlane asked, ruffling his wings in confusion.
"Yeah, Inferno wrote a letter about who was snagging, or courting, who, and then Spike sent it to Celestia."
"Pfft."
"Anyway, we can sort it out in Canterlot. Right now, we need to find an easy way there that doesn't involve my wound opening whilst my blood goes everywhere."
"Hmmm..." Thunderlane asked, looking at my wound and tapping a hoof to his chin. "I ever tell you I went to medical school?" he asked.
"No, you didn't." I replied.
"Because I never did go. I think that we ought to see the doctors up in Canterlot. They'll know what to do." Thunderlane gestured to a tunnel leading into the darkness. "Let's go that way."

"Yep." Inferno sighed, standing up and trotting down the route. He seemed uninterested in what was occuring: maybe he was stoned?

The roars came back. They would, I knew they would. Those room-shakingly loud Thresher roars that haunted you for life. Thunderlane seemed perfectly fine. How could thou be so fine when Terry hath returned to thine Pandora? I trotted to keep up with the black Pegasus so that I didn't end up lost here.
"You hear those roars?" I asked.
"Yep." replied Thunderlane. "Already heard 'em. That's why I know a shortcut; through the underground caves beneath Canterlot."
"Mmmmm..." I quietly mused. "Isn't that where Cadence was...?" Suddenly, he stopped us, stepped forward, and stood beside a lever.
"Here we are: my hidden entrance." Thunderlane proudly claimed. He gave the switch a sharp tug, to which the lever squealed in protest, before finally a loud chugging was heard. I braced against the ground.
"Do you have some kind of map in your head?" I shouted as a nearby wall receded into itself, folding until another path was visible.
"Almost," he replied, casually backpedalling into the tunnel, "My father took me down here as a foal. He worked here, until it closed down. Come on, lemme show you some of the stuff they left behind. It's on the path, after all!" he grinned. I smiled back, and followed him through, followed by Inferno. As we went through the tunnel, I noticed some familiar objects imbedded in the walls. Hammers, axes, pickaxes, and as we went further in, the temperature dropped rapidly. "Just keep goin'." Thunderlane shivered. I listened, and carried on looking at the ice walls. Frozen in time were fossils, even one fully frozen pony, looking confused as to why he froze. I also saw a few chests, some more familiar than others.
"Wow." I shivered, just as we left the area and entered what appeared to be an elevator. "This thing still work?"
"Course." Thunderlane replied as he opened the fuse box. His hooves seemed incredibly fluent with the fiddly wires, and after some cursing, smacking, and banging, the lights flickered to life in the wooden carriage. "Probably gonna be slow though. Ever seen an ancient elevator that's powered by electricity rather than a hoof-crank?"
"Nah." I replied. "Why? We gonna be attacked by Terramorphus?"
"Hopefully not." Thunderlane muttered as the lift clanked into life and began its slow ascent to the surface.

Well, we made it to the Throne Room. Wait, how in the fu-

After what felt like hours, the ancient elevator finally clunked against the cobblestone roof of the small tunnel thing. It didn't seem too old, it just seemed...old. Spider webs hung freely everywhere, torches that died long ago, walls seeming as though they had a thirst for light. Just patting a wall with my hoof kicked up a duststorm.
"Well," Thunderlane coughed. "We made, we're not dead."
"Still have the acid wound." I added in.
"And I didn't trip." Inferno finished. After a moment where we all looked over our achievements, we nodded, before speaking simultaneously.
"None of us have lives." The collective echo resounded through the corridor. I took a glance down it; it carried on for about 3 more metres, before beginning to ascend into a slight incline. However, from what I could see, the end of it was that of a roof, meaning there was no exit.
"Follow me." Thunderlane said aloud, gesturing us for him to accompany him. We went the short distance up the incline, before reaching the roof. Inferno began to ask, Thunderlane promptly answered.
"How are we go-" Inferno started to say, before the sound of stone grating against stone filled the ancient chamber. Thunderlane was straining himself to push up the roof, and it was working. There were slim cracks of light shining through the gap that was forming. I quickly joined in, pressing my front hooves against the roof and pushing with all the might my acid-damaged, young, hunted-by-your-best-friends pegasus body could muster, and was promptly joined by Inferno Clud. He seemed to be pushing harder than I was, I was probably worrying about my wound. Finally, after much grunting and minor cursing, the slab lifted from its socket, and we pushed it to the side. We couldn't see where we were: the light was SO BLINDING. Groaning, I shielded my eyes with a hoof and clambered out of the hole.
"Here we are," Thunderlane proudly announced from my right. "The Throne Room of Princesses Celestia and Luna."
"What..." I froze. Looking around, I saw he was right: guards were stood preparing to arrest us, whilst a red carpet stretched from behind us to a door. On the ground, a huge white marble slab was leaning against a wall.
"Can I help you?" came an all-too amused voice. I followed the strangely attractive voice, and my gaze fell upon the ruler of day. Princess Celestia was sat with her reading glasses on, levitating a stack of papers in front of her in a golden aura. Instead of the 'ok-I'm-quite-angry-now' face I expected her to be pulling, my face didn't melt when I realised she was pulling a 'what-the-fuck-are-you-morons-even-doing-here-never-mind-that-entrance-was-ridiculously-strange' face.
"Hi, Celestia." I said with a bow.
"Hello, you two. Thunder Mustang and Inferno Cloud, was it?" We both nodded. "And who's this?"
"Thunderlane." I replied, pushing him forward slightly. "He led us here after some...issues back in Ponyville."
"I couldn't possibly imagine why." Celestia smiled, rolling her eyes. "Might it have something to do with this letter?" A small scroll levitated from behind the Princess, before unfurling as she looked upon it.
"Yes, it does ma'am." I chuckled, before not-so-subtly shoving Inferno forward. "Inferno, tell the Princess what you did." I sounded like a pissed off parent. Inferno recovered from the push, looked at the floor and sort of...hoofed at it. Celestia simply chuckled.
"No, no, it's quite alright." she smiled (literally) warmly. "I was rather intrigued, however, by the note that one of your friends is interested in me?"

"Aaah, moment Inferno wrote that I died." I sighed, remembering the memories. "Ebony's face equals Priceless."

"So, how was your recent evening with my sister?" Celestia asked as a royal medic began working on my side wound. I couldn't see what he was doing, but I assumed he was stitching it up, then bandaging it.
"Ummm..." I felt my cheeks flush. "...g-good?"
"Did you...enjoy her warmth in the bedchamber?" Celestia slyly grinned, looking innocent.
"WHAT? NO." I quickly replied. My voice was much louder than I'd expected, as it echoed all around the grand hall. "Sorry. But no, why would you ask something like that, Princess?"
"No reason...~~" she sang to herself, before getting up from her golden throne, trotting down the ramp, and over to us. I cowered slightly; she was waaaaaay taller than she was before. Instead of doing some demanding shit, she simply craned her neck and looked at the wound.
"Oooh," she winced, "How did you end up with such a wound?"
"Well, that letter we accidentally sent was extremely embarassing for the others, and so your student, her friends, and my friends began to pursue us. Twilight promptly offered 1000 bits to whoever could catch us. So the whole town formed a herd, charged me, and then I got shot by...magic, I hope. Landed, Thunderlane opened sewers, we went down, locked it, walked for hours, ended up here." Celestia had a rather blank look on her face.
"So...you three walked here for hours, no stopping? That's impressive."
"Yep. Excruciatingly painful for me, Terramorphus sounded like he was hunting for us, Thunderlane knew some secret passages, it was a good day." The princess nodded to the medical officer, who promptly began to pack up. "Is that it?" I asked.
"Yes, it will be." Celestia replied. "Simply leave it for a few days, and it should heal right back up. In the meantime, you are welcome to stay in a guest room in the castle until you will be able to return to Ponyville. After all, you'll need your strength to face that crowd."
"Oh, thank you Princess." I bowed Subconciously. Turns out ponies don't do that of their own volition.
"It's quite alright." she replied, before looking to a guard near the door. "Captain Aerlion Drift!" she called. Almost instantly, the familiar sounding Pegasus snapped to attention and saluted. "Show these gentlecolts to their room!" I leaned over to Inferno as we trotted to the door.
"Swear to god I invented a character with that name." I whispered.
"Whatever. We've got somewhere where we most likely will not be killed and eaten by Twilight." Thunderlane snorted. All three of us turned, bowed, thanked the princess for her generosity, and began to trot after the Pegasus leading the way.

I suppose this is awkward? Either way, I'm here for a few days.

I figured I'd run into Princess Luna at some point. We followed Aerlion for a few minutes, down corridors that went ridiculously far, up stairs, across balconies, and eventually down the hall that contained the bedrooms of the Princesses.
"Your room is at the end of this hall, sir." the guard proclaimed.
"Thanks. No need for this 'Sir' buisness; we're all stallions here." I replied. The guard looked taken aback, before finally calming.
"Very well." he calmly replied. "Room's at the end of this hall." He pointed an armoured hoof to a set of double doors, which were set beside a set of doors emblazoned with a crescent moon. Just as the four of us trotted past the black doors, a loud creaking was heard as they opened. Aerlion rapidly came to attention; straight, saluting, important. The rest of us went into a sort of half-arsed bow.
"At ease." came her voice. I flicked my eyes up. A pair of forelegs were stood not even a few inches from my snout.
"Hello." I quickly said with a grin.
"Thunder, is that you?" Luna asked. I could tell she was either smiling, frowning, or staring lustfully at my sexy body. Probably the former.
"Yes, ma'am." I replied. "We're not in an informal meeting, so now I have to refer to you as 'ma'am', ma'am."
"Hmmph." she sighed. "Rise." We did so. "What are you doing here with your friends?"
"Well..." I began to explain the whole situation to her; the sewers, the bounty, the letter, Thunderlane, Inferno Cloud, our Geary quest (without the golden gear), everything. By the end of it she was sort of smiling, sort of confused. Finally, after a few moments, she turned to the other three.
"Captain Aerlion, escort these two to their room." she stated firmly, before turning to me. "Thunder Mustang and I are going to talk." The guard saluted, tapped the other two on the shoulder, and they continued next door into the room. When Luna and I heard the door click shut, she spoke.
"Listen, about that evening." she sighed, looking quite regretful. "We were on the balcony under the full moon and stars, I was kind of drunk..."
"You were drunk?" I asked, cocking my head to the right. "I thought-"
"I only discovered the next morning that the spell had begun to wear off. And who knows, if you hadn't stopped us from kissing, we might have woken up beside each other the next morning." she laughed half-heartedly. "Wouldn't that have been weird? I think it'd have been weird. It would be weird. Just waking up beside you, that'd be kind of strange, kind of attractive. Weird." Luna trailed off. She seemed like the sort who would speak a lot when nervous.
"Well, it's no problem now, since I stopped us." I sighed. Suddenly, there was another burst of pain in my side. I winced, bit my lip, and tried to look like nothing had happened. My poker face was ineffective: the princess had picked up on it, and was peering at my side with her neck fully to the side.
"What just happened?" she asked, looking confused. I tried hiding the wound, but a sudden force lifted up my wing. Luna gasped in shock. "Oh, what happened to your side? Does it hurt? Have you tried to heal it?"
"Yes," I replied, "And could you, -NNNGH-, not touch, -NNNFF-, it? I-It still hurts..." My pleas fell on deaf, sexy ears; Luna continued to prod the patch of corroded skin, occasionally narrowing her eyes at a spot, before poking it again. Finally, she sighed.
"That's black magic wounding." she finally sighed. "Only Changelings use that; there's a Changeling in Ponyville. I shall alert the guards. I suppose I'll see you at dinner?"
"No idea, Lulu." I smiled.
"Don't even go there." she growled. "Or I shall go into your mind again."
"You win."

"Thought as much. See you at dinner." Luna and I nodded to each other, before turning and parting ways.

"So," Inferno began the moment I entered the door. He was sat on one of the room's many chairs. "What'd you talk about?"
"Stuff." I replied. "She also asked if we're going to dinner? I dunno if we're invited."
"Pr'b'bly n't." Thunderlane cut in through a mouthful of pretzels. The charcoal grey stallion was stood near the room's fridge, leaning on the counter near a bowl of pretzels. "P'zza guy'll g't h're firsht."
"Cool, we're getting pizza?" Inferno grinned, sitting up from on the couch. Thunderlane shrugged, and finally swallowed the biscuits.
"Dunno. Might call for one." he replied, pointing to the phone.
"Wait, I didn't know Equestria had phones..." I trailed off, peering at the large device hung on the wall. It looked like a 50s payphone. I looked back at Thunderlane. "They have computers here, too?"
"Yes, but they're fucking gigantic." Thunderlane snorted. "Biggest we've got fills the whole room, and has 1GB of data." I missed what else he said, because I was laughing so hard, alongside Inferno.
"One gig?!" I laughed. "One fucking gigabyte?! My house computer has like 2 fucking terrabytes! NASA's supercomputer is like a thousand times more powerful! And Equestria's best computer has 1 gig?! That sucks!"
"1TB?" Thunderlane asked. "So it goes 1 byte, 1 gigabyte...that's it."
"No, byte, gigabyte, megabyte, kilobyte, terrabyte. I think."
"Fuck, where's your world gonna be in 20 years?"
"Wow, Thunderlane, I've never heard you swear." Inferno cut in, looking amused.
"Yeah, bet you've never seen Equestrian porn, either." he chuckled. My ears pricked up.
"Porn? Wheresa porna? Me like porn!" Inferno began saying.
"Same. Didn't know you could make porn..."
"Gets realistic eventually, especially with the software we can pack onto 20 byte home computers. Somepony even managed to make a three-way between the princesses and a guard." Thunderlane proclaimed proudly.
"Awesome."
"The pictures were removed from public view, but apparently a tall, white furred mare went into a shop in disguise, bought one magazine containing the image and left."
"Ha," Inferno laughed. "Wonder who the hell that was..."

Dinner invitation, or an excuse to troll the shit out of us?

Not even 2 hours after I spoke with Princess Luna, there was knock at the door. I groaned, picked myself up off the couch, and answered. As the door creaked open, I knew immediately who it was; Luna. The blue flowing mane came into view as the door cracked open, and the moment I saw her face I nearly had a heart attack. She was blushing, levitating a note, and in her mouth, she was holding a rose. A FUCKING ROSE. Avoiding a nosebleed, I straightened up, and cleared my throat.
"Uh, P-Princess," I greeted as I stuttered, "W-What, uh, can I-I do for you?"
"I'm inviting you three to dinner!" she said happily, eyes closed and voice muffled by the flower in her teeth. "I brought the rose because it's friendly, and this is a friendly invitation!"
"Errr..." I replied, raising an eyebrow. I looked back at the other two, who simply shrugged. "...OK?"
"Good!" Luna replied, smiling. "I shall see you at 7:00! Oh, this note is for your convenience." The princess levitated the note over to me, before placing it on my snout. "Goodbye!" And with that, the door was shut.
"Ok, I think she drank something." I finally said, before removing the note from my snout. I unfolded it, and began to read aloud.
To Thunder Mustang, Thunderlane, and Inferno Cloud,
You may have noticed the fact that in the wardrobe there are 3 ties. Each one is for each of you, so that you might look your finest for dinner tonight. The meal is due to consist of salad for a starter, and, from what I hear, Thunder and Inferno, you shall be eating like Griffons. As we are aware, you come from a dimension where your race eats meat. Luckily, you ended up in a dimension where ANOTHER race eats meat, and is willing to cook for you.
Not wishing to sound creepy, but I can read your thoughts on this.
Princess Luna.
(P.S: Thunder, stop imagining me wearing lingerie. I am beginning to think you love me or something. Not that I love you, I like you as a friend, but not love you. I mean, you're a fine stallion, but just...yeah.)
"Right." Inferno groaned. "Ties? Wardrobe? What?" With this in mind, all three of us began to look around for the wardrobe of ties. Finally, Thunderlane yelled in happiness.
"Got 'em!" he called from inside a walk-in wardrobe. He came out carrying 3 ties in his mouth, which he dropped on the sofa. Each was a simple affair; black, white collar. That's it.
"Why do i feel like she's put some mind-control spell on these or something?" Inferno finally said after tentatively poking the fabric with a hoof. When he didn't end up entranced, all 3 of us nodded. Cautiously, we put them on. I looked rather fetching for a blue Pegasus wearing a black tie; contrasted well with the gold in my mane.
"Well, we're not frickin' zombies." Thunderlane scoffed.
"We'll know if we're entranced if we find ourselves as her sex slaves or something." I replied calmly. "Anyway, what do you think that rose was for?" Inferno and Thunderlane looked at each other before simultaneously speaking.
"Because she's in love with you."
"What?" I asked. "No."
"Yep." Thunderlane sniggered. "I saw her staring at your flanks lovingly when we first saw her. I swear she looked like some kind of poor, needy, lusting bi-"
"Don't even say it." I cut in. "Utter one more syllable and she'll rape you in your dreams."
"Not rape if you enjoy it." Inferno replied. "Like picture this; remember that Fleur de Lis chick? The one that winked at us when she walked past in the street earlier?"
"No, you two went in the street. Not me. But yeah, go on. She's the one with the pink mane, fantastic flanks, constant bedroom eyes, and Captain Scarlett's voice, ya?"
"Yep." They both replied.
"Anyway, imagine standing in a dark alley, then she jumps you, ties you up, and takes you home. Then, she tells you to turn around as she-"
"YEAH, YEAH, I GET IT." I sharply cut in, raising a hoof.
"Whatever. Something with her wouldn't be rape: you'd enjoy it." Inferno finished.
"Fucking genius explanation." I gasped. "But she can probably hear what you just said. She's next door."
"She won't hear us." Thunderlane snorted. "Bet you could kill Terramorphus in here and she wouldn't even wake up from her beauty sleep." Suddenly, a voice came through the wall.
"~~Kill Harry Potter...~~I can hear you three, you know."
"I bet you can." I yelled back.
"Need I tell you, Thunderlane and Inferno Cloud, you may be woken up by the sound of Thunder having a wet dream tonight..." she giggled.
"You wouldn't..." I growled.
"I can, and I will. Watch, I can do it now!" The voice went quiet. Suddenly, my vision flashed with Princess Luna's cutie mark, and an overwhelmingly powerful wave of pleasure surged through my body.
"Guuuhh!" I exclaimed loudly as my entire body tensed. "Jesus...what the he-" Another wave, this time stronger. I nearly passed out.
"Aaah, I think he's had enough of your charm, princess." Thunderlane laughed through the door. The pleasure stopped. I shakily got to my hooves, feeling incredibly groggy.
"S-S-S-S-Screw...y-y-y-you..." I whimpered.
"Told you."
"F-Fuck y-you...nnff..." I groaned.
"You two have been warned: I can wreak havoc in such limited minds."
"Shut u-up."
"Is that the summons for round 2?"
"NO NO NO NO. IT WASN'T. NO. YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL AND AWESOME AND BEST PRINCESS PLEASE STOP TROLLING-" I trailed on for a good ten minutes like that. Now I look back at it, I think she was listening for the 'L' word:
Lesbians.

Trollestia, still don't like you.

Still slightly shaken by Luna's sudden ability to make ponies orgasm on command, I trotted alongside Inferno and Thunderlane. We chatted idly as we went down the grand corridors, and the other two began making smug observations about my injury.
"...but Thunder," Thunderlane began saying. "You realise we could have been at the dining hall 10 minutes ago if we'd have flown, right?"
"Yep. Haha. My wing was nearly melted by Changeling magic. Fucking hilarious. I might never have been able to fly again; oh, the humour." I muttered amid the chuckling of the other two. Just as we rounded a corner, we saw Celestia calmly trotting down the hall, regal as ever. "Guys," I whispered, "Do you think she's noticed us? I mean, we can't really swear and the like in front of-"
"Me?" Celestia stated, looking slightly over her shoulder. "And yes, I can hear you."
"Oh, hello Princess." Inferno replied, acting as though we hadn't been discussing her. "You're looking nice this evening." Celestia simply rolled her eyes and groaned.
"I'm not wearing the regalia; beside that I look the same." She was right; the golden shoes, crown, and necklace were gone, leaving bare fur and mane. "I might say the same for you three, however." she gestured to our ties. "A gift from my sister, I assume?"
"Yes." I replied. Celestia had slowed down and dropped beside us. "We also had a leisurely conversation through the wall between our rooms."
"Ha!" Celestia threw her head back and laughed. "She's been talking about you, Thunder! Apparently, you two nearly kissed on the balcony!" I felt my face pale to a much lighter shade of blue, and I also felt faint. Alongside that, my wound made a quiet hiss noise that only I could hear. Inferno and Thunderlane began nudging me.
"Wh-What..." I stuttered. Instead of explaining, Celestia simply grinned, levitated a magazine out of thin air, and placed it in front of me open on one page.

Equestria Daily
Princess Luna's Night Time Lover?
As though the Princess of the Moon couldn't get any more popular; she returns from her banishment, changes her appearance, and now she has a lover!
Two days ago, according to a mole inside the Castle walls, an unidentified blue Pegasus arrived by chariot. Acting as a guide, our mole led the stallion to the main dining hall late at night, before heading to a secret observation point up the stairs. Our insider, whose identity remains secret, claims, "I watched them for a few hours. The princess gazed lovingly into the eyes of the stallion, who returned the favour. Finally, after a few hours, the Princess cast a love spell unto the stallion. Afterwards, I watched them leave to the balcony. I couldn't get up there, but thankfully somepony snapped a picture of the two about to lock lips for the first time."
The identity of this stallion still remains unknown. If you have any details regarding this jaw-dropping story, send them in right away!
-Pen Stroke, editor for EqD.

My eye twitched.
"Right." I finally growled. "Looks like I'm gonna have to hang a bitch."
"No." Celestia firmly replied.
"I will storm the EqD offices with my pistol." I grunted. "Where the hell is that sumbitch?"
"As I said the first time we met, that weapon has been confiscated for study into peaceful uses, and for a finer grade of security in towns."
"Right..." I groaned. "But I know who the mole is; I'll know her when I see her. Tan fur, brown mane, glasses."
"My assistant?" Celestia asked, cocking an eyebrow.
"If that's what she is." I replied. "But does your sister know about this?"
"Yes, I believe she does."
"Wow, you really couldn't give two shits about this, could you?"
"No, not really." the princess' expression didn't change at all.
"I still don't like you."
"I'm aware."
"Trollestia."
"[censored]."
"Woah."
"I win."
"Goddamn you, Trollestia."

He's an even bigger twat than the show implied.

The next morning, after several strange dreams/nightmares involving the mental image kindly provided by Celestia, I awoke to knocking on the door. Begrudgingly, I heaved myself from under the enchanting warmth of the bedsheets and checked around the room. Nothing had changed, except Inferno was now sleeping on the floor, face buried in an open drawer of socks. Just as I turned to get the door, I heard Thunderlane mutter something in his sleep.
"Yes Celestia..." he sighed, smiling as he rolled over. "I will worship your plot..." Groaning, I rolled my eyes, sorted my mane, woke myself up, and trotted to the door.
"Sup." I said as I opened it. Instead of a guard, in front of me stood Prince Blueblood. Blonde mane, blue eyes, stereotypical knob-rot.
"Excuse me?" he growled. "Where is your respect, you foal?" I assumed he wanted to be treated like a Prince, so I treated him like Will Smith.
"Ok, lemme try again..." I cleared my throat. "Sup, my homeboy, Blueblood! How you runnin' the streets, man?" I wrapped a foreleg around his shoulder, and I swear I heard an audience laughing.
"What is the meaning of this?!" he screeched, going red with rage.
"Nah, it's K." I grinned. "You talkin' to the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, man!" With that, I slammed the door in his face and went back to bed. I laughed to myself, burrowed under the covers, and tried going back to sleep.
Tried.
There must have been some kind of magical lock preventing the blanket user from falling asleep again. That's bloody genius. I thought to myself. Swear Celestia has like some über powerful version that wakes her up at four in the fucking morning.
That I do.
You're shitting me with this.
Yes, I can infiltrate the 'BNK-3R' that is your mind.
You have no idea how goddamn sexy a reference like that is. Seriously, turn around now.
Erm, no. I only know of the 'greatest defence bot ever built' because I broke into your mind.
What are we discussing?
Lulu, it is good to speak with you at this hour.
Likewise.
Did Blueblood not say he was visiting our guests?
That prick? You know everybody hates that bastard, right?
Yes. In fact, I just watched Thunder Mustang treat him like one of his bros.
That I did.
Wait, when did he join this call?
Since this is his mind we're invading. Fancy having some fun, Lulu?
Oh no...
You bet, sis.
Tee Hee. First, let's say...[color]
Wet dreams?
I will summon my Lawyer if you don't get out.
Hmmm...he's too good for that. Voice editing?
Right, that's it: OBJECTION TIME.
I left the princesses to their suffering and went over to the fridge. I felt kind of bad for leaving them at the mercy of Phoenix Wright, but still: they wanted to piss around with my voice, they face my exceedingly good lawyer who likes objecting. Since I couldn't sleep, I pulled the milk from the fridge, and made a coffee.
"Oi, prick." I called to Inferno. He drowsily looked up from the drawer. "Wanna coffee?"
"Mm-Hmm." he groaned. Just before he could return to his futile attempts at sleeping, I stopped him.

"Blankets must be enchanted; couldn't go back to sleep after I woke up." I laughed, pouring the milk in both cups. "Have a nice morning."

"Gentlemen!" I stated firmly and clearly as we trotted down the corridor. Guards rolled their eyes and looked. "It is a glorious day...to be a Capitalist."
"Agreed." one guard shouted back.
"Down with commies." another joined in the political fun.
"Njet. Mother Tigeria is communist." one guard mocked. "Let us go be tall and make nuclear bombs."
"Now this is just racist..." Thunderlane groaned. "We go to breakfast, and somehow you two idiots get all the guards to air their political views."
"Yeah, pretty much." Inferno chuckled. After a few minutes, we eventually arrived at a different room instead of the dining room. Instead of large double doors, it had simple 'sports-center' double doors like you might find anywhere else. Trotting calmly in, we realised this looked more like some hotel bar, except with ponies. A sudden whistle caught our attention. Looking over, we saw the princesses and Prince Bluebollocks sat calling us over. The latter, however, seemed to be wearing some kind of armour chestplate.
"Morning, gentlecolts." Celestia warmly greeted. She was wearing the regalia this morning, as well as her sister.
"Morning." came our reply.
"How's the wound?" Luna asked me. I hadn't really checked. Looking at my right wing, I realised it was healing up pretty well. It no longer looked like corrosive wounding; more like fire damage.
"Pretty good." I smiled back. "I'm not dead, decent night's sleep, I sued you mentally: it is a glorious day for Capitalism."
"Ha!" Celestia threw her head back and laughed, before putting on a Russian accent. "In Mother Tigeria, toilet shit on you." This raised a laugh from the rest of us.
"Thought you weren't a fan of swearing?" Inferno asked. "After all, you told your student to tie him up." He pointed a hoof at me.
"Yes, I'm also considered a ruler who loves all her subjects." she smiled, before coughing the words 'Door' and 'Thunder's face'.
"Never got you back for that."
"Never will." Luna slyly smiled. "Nightmares won't end otherwise."
"Luna, his very existence is a nightmare." Blueblood growled. "Why is he even here?"
"Blueblood, I'll have you know that A) We're here because Ponyville is attempting to lynch Inferno and myself, B) Thunderlane was willing to help, and we somehow ended up in the throne room, and C)..." I replied, before running out of ideas.
"...You're a prick." Luna finished. We all burst out with laughter, except the fresh prince.
"Well, unlike him, I am truly the knight in shining armour here." he knocked on his chestplate. "I am leading a small group to go and capture a bandit clan."
"A knight in shining armour has never truly had his mettle tested." I growled. After a moment of silence, Celestia spoke up.
"That's a pretty nice quote. I might use that next time a griffon begins claiming to be the big 'I-am'." She laughed. "Blueblood, meanwhile, will not be stopping the bandit clan: his group will." The prince nearly spat out his cornflakes.
"What?!" he gasped, "But Princess! They require my lead-"
"No, they don't." Celestia glared at him over some toast. "I have Captain Shining Armor on that. You, meanwhile, have a new job: hunt down and eliminate the Threshers in Diamondhoof mountain." He was speechless.
"Have fun with Terry!" I laughed as I nudged him. Unfortunately, he fell over, frozen in shock. Ponies all around stopped to look at him.
"It's alright, people." Inferno called out to them. "He's just been sent on a mission he probably won't return from."
"WOOHOO! NO BLUEBLOOD FOREVER!" Came the crowd reply.
"Finally." Celestia smiled over her coffee. "A good reason to hold his funeral."

Why do I always make the worst life debts?

Just as we were settling down for the evening back in our room, after a few hours where a mare in a lab coat poked my wound and wrote things down on a clipboard, there was a knock at the door. I groaned.
"This better not be Bluebollocks." I grunted, heading to the wooden door. Just before I grabbed the handle, however...
"Stop!" Inferno quickly said. I listened. "Check the peephole. They might have chloroform."
"Hmmm...good point." I replied. Following the small pegasus' advice, I looked through the small glass lens/peeping hole. A group of 10 ponies wearing balaclavas and black jackets were stood outside, wielding small rags, crowbars, and baseball bats. I slowly turned around.
"They found us." I whimpered.
Who?
Celestia! Thank god. I think your pupil and her friends, as well as my friends, may be trying to capture us.
Really? Let me see.
...this needs elevator music...
Oh, so they are. Have fun being raped by somepony that isn't my sister.
No, seriously, they have chloroform. They seem angry. Please help.
Not listening...
Please?
Oh no, there ain't no rest for the wicked~~...
Please? I'll be your bitch?
Hmmm...tempting...
...
...and?
...I'll...um...what do you want me to do?
Oh, the options I have here.
Wait, I can't believe I just said that. Fuck.
Hmmm...I have one. Are you ready to hear your life debt?
I swear if you tell me to become a communist I will personally go to your room and bitch-slap you.
No, no, it's not THAT cruel. Your debt? You have two options; get into a relationship with Lulu, or come up to Canterlot once a month to give Royal Massages.
Eesh. Harsh choice. Which part of your body would I be massaging?
Neck, shoulders, back, plot, and if you're lucky, nether regions.
Hahahaha-no. I'll take the first option. You can get Ebony Chopper to give you massages, but there is no way in hell I'll be touching your ass.
Perfect as my flanks may be?
Just...stop. Seriously.
Hee hee. I shall tell you the following; my sister likes Midnight Blossoms, Tigerian Vodka, moonlit walks on the shore, and romantic evenings. Are we clear?
Can't believe you talked me into this...
Are we clear?
...yes...
That's 'Yes, MISTRESS.' You're my bitch.
Fine, whatever, just save us please.
Alright, alright. But you owe me a massage.
What? So I may as well have chosen that anyway?!
Remember I have senstive wings.
Screw you too.
A sudden knocking on the door snapped me out of the strange dealings. Quickly, I darted to look through the peephole. The one-time lynch mob was now looking less intimidating, their balaclavas removed, chloroform no longer threatening to knock us out. Rainbow Dash was knocking on the door quite impatiently. I said my final words, and opened the door a crack.
"Please don't kill us." I whimpered through the gap. The cyan Pegasus gave a sigh.
"Can't believe we have to do this, Twi." she grumbled, before looking at me. "We've come to apologize, not lynch you."
"Put the chloroform away, Dash." Twilight said sternly. The Pegasus groaned loudly, moved a hoof from behind her back and threw a tiny white rag away. I opened the door fully.
"If you came to apologize," I asked, "Why were you carrying sleeping agents?"
"Well, we planned to bring you back to Ponyville whilst you were...uh, sleeping." Rainbow replied.
"You mean you wanted to rip us limb from limb as we slept? That it?"
"What? No!"
"Then don't just expect to come waltzing up here and expect us to forgive you, for fuck's sake!"
"Hey, shut it Thunder." Sky growled. "That's my marefriend you're talking to." I went speechless. I could see everypony's grins increasing at my reaction.
"Yeah, we're dating. Ain't that right?" Rainbow cut in smugly.
"And, needless to say, that letter brought Fire and I closer than friends!" Rarity chimed. Fire gave a nod.
"Wait, so...you're all dating...because Inferno took the piss?" I asked. Suddenly, a thought hit me like a pound of chicken fat, or something. I turned to Twilight. "Wait, why the hell did you even come after me if it was you boyfriend's fault?" Everypony considered that. Finally, Twilight growled.
"INFERNO!" she yelled through the door. The little green Pegasus timidly trotted to the door.
"Y-Yes?" he stammered, wilting under her gaze.
"You made the letter. You sent it. So, I shall be...punishing you, if you catch my drift." Inferno's ears pricked up.
"So, who's sending the friendship letter this week then?" I asked. A paper and quill was levitated in front of me, and I sighed with a chuckle.
"YOU!" everypony laughed.
Right, I get to send a friendship letter...fun.
"Ahem." I began, grabbing the quill with a hoof. "Dear Princess Celestia, today I learned that sometimes, a simple misunderstanding between friends can lead to something bigger. But in the end..."
"Go on." Twilight ushered.
"...friendship and capitalism can help pull you through."
"Capitalism?" a guard groaned suddenly. I didn't realise he was there; evidently nopony else did. "Seriously? Communism for the win."
"I'll shove that spear up your ass. Stars and stripes beats hammer and sickle, LOOK IT UP." Solar yelled.
"Ha, everything links to politics." I snorted as we began to go to Celestia to tell her we were leaving. "Let's take the long route. After all..."
"IT'S A GLORIOUS DAY FOR CAPITALISM!" we all laughed.

Oh, the Clint Eastwood puns shall be made. Many. Shall. Be. Made. Punk.

The train ride, thankfully, was carried out with me and my male 'original' friends in a different carriage to the girls. We'd found out a few days ago that Applejack was headed to Appaloosa with the girls, and they invited us along. Whilst everypony else had a good reason to go, my excuse of 'to spread the puns of Clint Eastwood and explain how many shots a Jakob is worth' trembled in comparison to Twilight's reason of 'digging up cacti and finding a cure for cancer'. But, before any of us (beside Barney the purple dickbag and Rarity) went to sleep, we were up telling stories. Most, it seemed, were directed towards our dimension.
"So a group of terrorists just planted a bomb just like that?" Rainbow asked eagerly, looking down from her top bed.
"Mm-hmm." Fire replied. "Operation: Counter Strike Source was a failure, sadly. One of our boys shot the bomb carrier twice, and still that sumbitch kept going."
"Ahhhhh, haha." I groaned as I reclined against the wall. "Ha, not even gonna make the pun."
"I will lynch you." Ebony laughed.
"What? On this glorious...evening for Capitalism?" I snorted. "Come on, not in the desert. I'll make Markus puns when we run over a skag whilst 'Ain't no rest for the wicked' plays in the back ground. Or, when our train smashes into a bandit truck. Until then: I'll not make puns."
"Phew." Fluttershy sighed. "You planning to make innuendos?"
"Why not? It's gonna be a long and hard journey without innuendos." Solar cut in.
"If you don't shut your trap, I'll penetrate you with bullets." Applejack smirked, winking at him. I groaned and facehoofed.
"Really, you two?" I muttered. "We all know you're having sex, we get it. So stop telling us what you plan to do in the tricking barn."
"Heh." Applejack and Solar blushed slightly.
"Anyway, if I don't smoke at least one cigar whilst I'm in Appaloosa, ah'm gun t' lynch every last one o' y'all. Hear me?"
"Wow." Rainbow whistled. "Not even there and already you're getting into the western spirit."
"Yall'd better believe it." I replied. "Twilight'll be the mare o' the few days we're there: erry stallion's gunna want her, Inferno'll kick their asses to the dirt, and it'll all be over after a bottle o' beer. Ain't that right, Inferno?"
"Heck yeah, boy." Inferno smirked.
"We need hats." Twilight suddenly said, making us all jump.
"And revolvers..." I sighed.
"What about ponchos?"
"Yes."
"Oh, for FUCK'S SAKE!" Spike suddenly yelled, storming out of the door with his pillow. When it slammed, Twilight growled.
"Thunder, stop talking to Spike."
"What can I say?" I chuckled, rubbing a hoof against my fur. "Kid learns from the best."
"The best jackass." Rainbow dryly added.
"Hey, you starting?" I grunted, getting up. "I will bitch slap you once more unto dawn."
"Spontaneous speech changing." Twilight muttered. "Sign of insanity."
"MEAT PUPPETS." I yelled, turning and glaring at her with an eye twitch for effect. I felt the lavender mare was intimidated enough, so I sat down.
"Hey, is anything gonna happen while we're here?" Pinkie asked. Just when we hoped she'd STFU..
"You guys can tell the future! Is anything going to happen?"
"Bloomberg gets kidnapped, so does Spike, Rainbow tries saving him, breaks her face on a sign, shit happens in Appaloosa, natives and Appaloosans go to war for a few minutes, then make up. Finally, I receive a certificate of badassery from Buck Norris." I said in reply calmly. "Any more questions, smartass?"
"Nope!" Pinkie giggled. "You're such a barrel of laughs, Thunder!"
"You're such an irritating bi-"
"Ok, we get it." Fluttershy groaned. I winced at her voice: I'm still fucking terrified of that mare. "Think we shouldkeep telling stories?"
"Good idea, Fluttershy." Twilight smiled. "Who's got one?"
"Me." I quickly said.
"Anypony not planning to scar us for life?"
No hooves.
"Fine." Twilight sighed. "Thunder, just try to keep it...within Geneva Convention, Kay?"

"Very well." I began. I quickly turned the lights off, grabbed my torch, and held it under my chin as I stood up in the centre of the carriage. "Legends tell of Captain Blade, and his Lost Treasure of the dried sands. Colts and stallions would turn the sands red in search of it. The legends tell of a Pirate Queen, beautiful as she was deadly, of a great leviathan, and of the 12 intrepid adventurers who would travel to the town of Appaloosa, not knowing the horrors that would befall them..."

"...and so, with the mighty Leviathan defeated, the twelve adventurers began the onslaught that was the Battle of Appaloosa." I finished. The story had kept interest: nopony had dared yawn lest they miss part of the story that CLEARLY isn't the plotline to a Borderlands 2 DLC.

Not even going to make the Markus pun. Those come later.

I awoke bright and early so I could prepare for the Buffalo herd. Sat atop the carriage as it tore across the desert, I could see for miles across the flat sand and cacti. However, I couldn't admire the scenery, for the familiar rumble began to shake the ground. Getting to action stations, I darted inside my friends' carriage and began to shake everybrony into conciousness. First, I went for Ebony and Solar. The two unicorns could provide useful fire support to pick off the buffalo.
"Mmmpphgrzz..." Ebony mumbled through his pillow. The grey unicorn was softly muttering in his sleep. I gave him a punch to the neck to awake him, and the results were instant. "Ok, Ok! Jeez, I'm up! Aaahhhh...that's gonna leave a broken bone."
"Ebony, there's no time." I quickly said. "The buffalo are coming up fast, and we need to get the others up. Go, into the girls' carriage. Now!" The unicorn stared at me blankly as he sat up. I waited a few seconds, before pointing to the ground. He put a hoof to the wooden carriage floor quite tentatively, before holding it there.
"There's nothing there, you prick..." he grumbled, rolling over back to sleep. "Maybe the 'buffalo' were fucking terrified of being spotted by you...just fuck off." I was taken aback. Angrily, I flew right out of the window, landed on the roof with a thud, and gazed out behind the train. Surprisingly enough Ebony was right: the rumbling had halted, the dust cloud was gone, and no buffalo could be seen anywhere in the passing desert.
"Bloody hell." I muttered as I sat down. "Ebony friggin' called it." Letting my mind wander, I didn't realize my mistake until it happened.
Morning!~~
What the-oh, it's you. Morning.
How's the train ride going? Bored?
No, it's good.
You seem depressed. Care to shed some light?
Nah.
Do you want me to 'torture' you again?
Luna, I'm sat on top of a train. Now's not the time to be making me jizz everywhere.
If you'd put it that bluntly, then no it isn't. But you seem upset.
I'm not. End of story.
Hmmm...is it your wing? Is the wound acting up again?
No, no, nothing to do with that. It's practically healed right up: just scar tissue.
Need I ask if I could help with whatever it is?
No, you don't need to. Probably because your way of 'helping' would be to tie me upside down in the dungeons, before doing some creepy stuff.
No, I'd do worse.
Exactly my point.
What other reasons might there be...? Ah! I know!
I dread to think...
I know what's bugging you: somepony needs a hug!
Tempting, but no.
Tempting, hm? I know: it works on guards and they pass out.
Wha-do you SERIOUSLY go around hugging guards for no good reason?! Poor sods, leave them alone!
No, they seem fine with it. Well, not many have argued. They...they were unoncious. Obviously.
And what did you do to them whilst they wer-
Shut up.
Hehehehehe.
Oh, one question: Do you know if anything is going to happen at the Gala? You've been foretelling everything that happens, nearly. So, anything on the Gala?
Well, Pinkie Pie will happen.
Hmm. Ok, thanks.
Yeah. No problem...
...? Do you have something to say...?
Well...it's just...ehm...your sister...
Somebrony called?
JESUS CHRIST! SCARED THE SHIT OUT OF ME!
Nice one, Tia.
Thank you, sister. Now: what were you saying, Thunder?
Ahem...yes. Well, Luna, your sister asked if I'd...give her a massage at some point.
PFFFFT!
Oh, ha ha. Have to massage a goddess. Fun fucking times: crease away, Luna.
Yes...go on.
Well...I was hoping I could give that opportunity to my friend Ebony?
The one that likes me? Alright.
Oh thank god.
Pffft...haha...aahhh...fricking hell...my lungs hurt now.
That's what you get.
Hello, girls.
FUCK! JESUS, WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?!?!?!
Princess Mi Amore Cadenza. And you are?
The owner of this establishment that you just entered. So just...ask. Alright?
Hmm...apologies. I haven't really been a princess for that long. Still not used to this mind infiltrating thing. So many risks!
Like me? Setting a few hundred of Hyperion's SATURN Loaders on you if you break in without a reason? Yeah, that's a risk.
What's a SATU-
NO NO NO NO NO! DON'T ASK HIM!
LULU, RUN! RUN FROM THE GIGANTIC SCARY MACHINE!
Oh my goodness, what IS that?!
What are you talking about? I haven't done anything...?
Well, your mind is creepy! There's a load of these tiny prism robots on wheels! And they look angry!
That? Oh, that's the Robolution. See ya.
Don't leave us here!
Nah, you'll be fine. This is just the least I can do to punish you for breaking into my head.
You know, I might just leave...see you later, Thunder.
Likewise.
Satisfied I had punished them enough, I shook my head clear of the image of Celestia and Cadence being chased by Claptraps and went back into the carriage through the window.
"Sup." Inferno greeted as he sat up and rubbed his eyes. "Couldn't sleep?"
"Slept just fine." I replied, sitting on my bed. "Just woke up early to prepare for the buffalo."
"Oh, did I miss it?" Inferno groaned.
"No, you didn't actually. They appeared behind the train for a while, then they DISA-FUCKING-PPEARED.
"Oh, good." Inferno began to get up, smoothing his mane with a hoof. "Been talking with Luna?"
"And Celestia. Oh, and this time, CADENCE joined in! I feel loved!"
"Well you're not." Inferno snorted. Just then, the sound of somepony sitting up caught our attention. I saw that it was Sky.
"M'rning..." he muttered. "We there...?"
"Nope.avi." I replied.
"Well, goodnight Irene." Solar suddenly said from the above bunk. I couldn't help making the next pun.
"That Solar's a SPAH!"
"Shhh..." Ebony suddenly cut in. "Sasha is sleeping."
"Today, just ain't your day, pancakes." Sky laughed.
"Bloody hell, shut up ya bloody bigheads!" Fire grunted.
"Well, we're all awake after I made a TF2 pun." I smiled.
"ENGINEER IS CREDIT TO TEAM!" Ebony cheered. Suddenly, the door linking to the next carriage began to creak open. We all stopped, and looked. Rainbow Dash was poking her head through the door, not looking tired at all.
"See you guys are awake, huh?" she asked.
"Da." Ebony nodded.
"Alright." Rainbow looked to her boyfriend. "Sky, you wanna go make out on the carriage roof?"
"Hell yeah." Sky answered. Both pegasi spread their wings, and flew out of the window. After a few seconds, we heard them -thud- onto the carriage roof. All 5 of us looked up quite confused.
"Did she...?" Fire began.
"...just wake him up so they could make out on the roof?" Solar finished.
"Woooooow." Fire whistled. And again, the door knocked.
"Good morniiiiing!~~" Rarity sang.
"Morning, Rarity." Fire quickly replied. Rarity looked around the cabin, not looking tired.
"I thought Rainbow had come in here?" I pointed at Sky's empty bed, then the roof. Rarity laughed and rolled her eyes.
"Of course they did." she chuckled. "Well, at least now I have some help to wake the girls up. Come come, we shan't dilly dally."
"Whatever." I muttered, heading through the door to the girls' carriage. As Rarity had implied, all of the other girls were asleep, snoring quietly. I scanned this quickly, then thought through all the possible puns I could use to wake them up. Finally, I settled on one. Clearing my throat, I put on my best Markus voice.
"Alright, you girls, time to wake up!" I laughed in an Italian accent. "Haha, it's a beautiful day: full of opportunity!"
No response.
"Oh look, more dead Vault Hunters." I sighed with defeat. "Handsome Jack's been busy." Suddenly, the sound of ~~jimmies~~ blankets being rustled caught my ear. I turned, and saw Applejack slowly getting up and shaking her head clear. I laughed. "Wait a minute! You're not dead! Yes! Now we can get off this train!"
"Wha?" Applejack coughed. "Y'all sayin' we're there?"
"Nah, I'm just messin'. Rarity told me to get you guys up. And I am NOT GETTING PAID!"

I should not be allowed out of town. Ever.

Loud talking managed to awake me, even after I had told it to fuck off. 6 female voices, six male voices, and I was about to make it seven. Groaning as I stood up, I straightened my hat and glared at them.
"Bloody hell, mates," I said loudly, immediately directing all eyes to me, "Can't a guy get some kip without some bloody pikeys wakin' him up?"
"Thunder, shut up." Rainbow glared, before returning to staring at Braeburn. "What were you saying?"
"Well," Braeburn replied, adjusting his hat, "Ah was just sayin' that the buffalo have been pretty quiet lately. We think they might be planning an attack on Appaloosa. Ah was gonna ask if some of y'all would go check 'em out for us? Make sure they're not...y'know, gettin' ready to kill us?"
"I don't know, Braeburn." Twilight sighed. "None of us have really adapted to being scouts and reconnaissance ponies." I shot a hoof up and waved.
"Right over 'ere, wanka!" I yelled cheerfully. I was met with glares, but one pleased Braeburn. "I'll bloody do it, mates!"

"Great!" he grinned, before wrapping a hoof over my shoulder and leading me inside. "Let's git you ready, the desert ain't no place to be unequipped."

Bidding my friends goodbye, I set off; saddlebag laden with jars of apple juice, apples, a small survival knife, a shelter and binoculars. I trotted calmly into the desert as the sun set, as Braeburn had said the sun would set at 7:00. I'd spend 2 hours going there, 1 hour snooping, and probably would sleep out in the desert. The sand was pretty cool for that evening, so I decided I might cut across the desert instead of heading the long route down the road. Just when I thought it couldn't be even more calming, something shattered the silence.
More accurately, somepony.
Off on an adventure?
Yep. Got my jarate, knife, rations, shelter, and binoculars.
Hm, well good luck. Hey, is it weird if I know when you're doing something? Like when you pick something up?
Errr...I guess it is?
Oh.
Do you watch me when I'm sleeping? You know, when you're not sexually abusing my poor, defenceless body?
I do, because I have to make sure you don't try to lynch somepony in your sleep.
Nah, that's just Mondays. Probably gonna lynch some buffalo, though: or they'll lynch me.
Well, too bad. I don't know what I'd do without you.
I know what would happen if I was gone.
What would?
Your sister wouldn't get a massage/attempted back breaking.
Pffffft! Not like she wants YOU to do it. Maybe...
Yes?
...you could give me a massage?
Yep. I now have the job of Royal frickin' masseuse.
No no no, I just mean...two friends, one massaging the other. Non-public, DEFINITELY non-sexual, just friendly. Right?
I'll think about it. Besides, I have too much to do right now. If I say yes, when do you want it?
Umm...240 hours...that'd make it...at the Gala?
In public?!
No, in private of course. No guards, no press, no up-tight asshole nobles, just us.
You've been talking to me too much. 'Asshole'. Heh, it's funny when you say it.
Bitch, whore, shit, asshole, wanker, bloody, twat, fuck, bastard, cunt, dickhead. Happy?
...I think I'm in love now.
You probably were in the first place.
What? No. Definitely not. Really. No.
Awww, of course. I bet somepony just needs a hug...
Don't make me call the Robolution.
Ok, ok, you win. Want me to teleport you to the buffalo camp?
Not in the centre. I know you'll plonk me right in the middle of it. Do it, but don't be a troll. Please? I'll agree to massage you if you drop me on the cliffs surrounding it.
Very well. Get ready.

.Why are we discussing this?

The flash dissipated very quickly this time, vanishing within a split second of its beginning. Meanwhile, my trust in Luna was very high, and I was kind of wanting to 'thank' her for not throwing me off the cliff, if you know what I mean. Pushing the thoughts of giving her flowers aside, I spent a couple of seconds allowing my eyes to readjust to my new surroundings. I'd been sent on top of a cliff, overlooking the Buffalo camp directly. Below, I could easily see the hulking brown animals stomping about their campsite; a few were literally butting heads over space. I lay onto the sand overlook, nestling my saddle bags beside me, pulling out the binoculars, and I began to observe. A few things seemed normal, however the rest was not. Most were sharpening their horns, putting on paint, or some other religious crap that they did. I grumbled to myself on the sight of their preparations.
"Some shonkin' buisness right there..." I muttered. "Bloody prancin' show-ponies..." My mumblings were cut short by another flash behind me. Confused, I rolled over and peered at the object that had arrived.
More accurately, who had arrived.
"Hey, Thunder." Twilight groaned. Her eyes dizzily span in their sockets as she staggered slightly. "Thought you could use some company."
"Ok, two things." I replied sharply, picking the binoculars back up I-don't-fucking-know-how. "One, you scared the shit out of me. Two, no, I don't need company. I've got the three mind-invaders to look after me, so..."
"Three?" Twilight asked, crawling up beside me as we both looked over the camp.
"Luna, Celestia, and Mi Amore Cadenza." I replied.
"Who-never mind." she groaned. "Well, just checking up on you. Can't have anypony being killed by you."
"Thanks, mate. How the hell did you even find me? Luna teleported me up here."
"We watched you walk out of town, then you disappeared. Another flash told us you'd been teleported a few miles away, onto this cliff."
"Right." I groaned, face hoofing. "And anyway, look at them down there. What a bunch o' bloody big'eads."
"Hm, yes. I've been wondering, why do you boys keep changing your accents? Is it some kind of in-joke?" she asked.
"Yeah. Basically, back home there were very few things to do on rainy days besides masturbating, watching BBC news to find out which rich prick had died, or playing video games. Usually, but not always, we'd do the latter. Team Fortress 2 was a favourite; 9 classes, ridiculous weapons, and madcap gamemodes. So pretty much the moment I saw this hat in the shop I thought, 'Hey, you know what this reminds me of? Sniper's hat.' Thus, I began to use his accent. That's also the reason your boyfriend keeps speaking with a southern accent and doing line-dancing."
"Ohhhh...so it was kind of a way to hold onto your old lives?"
"Basically, yes. Team Fortress 2 wasn't the only favourite: Borderlands 2 contained Terramorphous the Invincible, Halo's online multiplayer gave us insults to use, and Far Cry 3 pretty much told the others how to deal with my insanity... So that's brilliant observation on your part."
"Thank you. And anyway, what do you think they're planning down there?"
"No clue. Murder? Mass assault? Eating everything because they're all fat assholes? I can't really say for certain."
"Hm." Silence reigned after that for a good 10 minutes, the lavender unicorn not daring to start conversation and neither was I. Finally, she sighed.
"Right, conversation starter: Inferno's insanely good at anal." she laughed.
"Oh my GOD, shut up." I growled, facehoofing.
"He gets it right in there."
"AAAAAHH THE MENTAL IMAGE STOP PLEASE NOW I'LL GO BLIND"
"Ok, ok." she giggled.
"Are you not even embarassed by what you just declared out loud?!"
"No, because it's true."
"Right...conversation starter, Equestria was actually on a TV show in our world."
"What?"
"Pull a chair up, kid, this is quite a story. Once upon a time, in the magical land of Equestria, the show's pilot episode said, narrated by none other than Princess Celestia. The show, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, pretty much detailed how a certain anti-social unicorn came to make friends with the fashionista, racer, farmer, party animal, and veterinarian. Later episodes detailed your lives, and how you defeated great villains like Nightmare Moon. Originally, it was designed for young girls by a company so they could advertise their shit, but then a few references to the show were made on a popular forum. Soon, millions of men watched it; they knew your names, cutie marks, lifestyles, personalities, friends, and even made their own canon. You know Ditzy Doo?"
"You mean Derpy?"
"Yep. Her name was given to her by fans, 'bronies', they were called, and soon implemented into the show. However, as with all fandoms, there's the...creeps."
"I'm worried, but go on..."
"They drew...porn. Of you girls being lesbians. Of the Princesses being lesbian sisters. Of FOALS being raped. Of Braeburn and Big Macintosh. One guy wrote a ridiculously creepy story of Pinkie Pie slowly killing Rainbow, before turning her into a cupcake...creepy bastards."
"What...? Did they happen to do one of my mentor and I?"
"You bet your ass they did. Disgusting, if you ask me. But anyway, some stories written were pretty frickin' good, like The Great Brony Migration. Bronies are hunted, go to Equestria, and bad things happen. Greatest story ever, if you ask me. Fuck Twilight."
"What?! Fuck ME?!"
"Nononononoooo...there was a story franchise that wasn't brony related, and it killed the mental image of vampires by making them sexy teenagers rather than bloodthirsty sons-of-bitches."
"Right...ok. That was creepy. But how did your kind...humans?"
"Yep."
"Yeah, 'humans'. How did you know about Equestria?"
"We didn't. That's what makes it creepy that my friends and I are here: in our world, you're fictional. The princesses are fictional. Everything here is fictional. But..." I leaned forward and knocked my hoof on her shoulder. "...you seem real enough to me." Twilight seemed shocked at this revelation. She was fictional? Slowly, she stood up.
"Have you told anypony else?" she asked quietly.
"No. None whatsoever. It won't affect them, but it'll be creepy knowing there's another world where they're all fictional. Just try keeping it to yourself, alright?" Twilight paused, before nodding and beginning to trot away.
"Oh, and Twilight?" I called out. She turned at my voice. I grinned. "For the record, you were one of my favourite characters on the show." Twilight smiled back, before charging her horn and disappearing. I turned back to the camp, now alone.

And for the first time in a few months, it felt like I had no burdens.

JARATE THE COWS!

"Frrkin' ell...strp dr'ling 'n mm..." I muttered, waving a hoof in front of me to dispel whatever hellspawn had decided to start dripping bodily fluids onto my face. "Pss 'ff, 'sshole..." Then I realised: what was drooling on me? Snapping my eye open, I was confronted by the sight of one angry looking Buffalo.
"You have angered us enough, invader." he snorted angrily. I scrambled back, finding that I was surrounded by more. A wall of brown obscured my shelter, if it was still standing. "What makes you have the courage to spy on our encampment, little one?"
"Well, according to the fellas in Appaloosa, you've been quiet." I replied, straightening my hat to block the sun. "So they thought you and your mates were gonna kill 'em all like a bunch of pikeys."
"We had no such intentions!" he snorted back. A jet of steam shot from his nostrils. I backed away, only to bump into another tribalman. "You were the ones who settled upon ancient stomping grounds; planting your trees as though it were yours to begin with! It was stomped upon by my father, and his father before tha-"
"Bloody hell, mate, I get it." I raised a hoof quickly to stop him. "But you weren't planning to be a bunch of wankas and try to kill us?"
"No, that was no intention of ours. Leave."
"Fine, fine. I'll get my bags then; bloody hell." I replied. The crowd parted as I headed to my bag, next to the crudely put down tent. I sighed. No shelter for me then. This shit's on loan. I hefted my bag onto my back, and turning to leave, I heard one thing that changed my mind.
"Chief, does he know you're lying?" a buffalo whispered. My eyes shot open, I reached back, grabbed a jar of apple juice, and rapidly tossed it at Chief Thunderhooves.
"JARATE!" I yelled. The glass shattered on impact with the hulking animal, spraying glass, apple, and smells all over nearby buffalo. A few even turned fully yellow, as per my physics-defying daily ritual. My job done, I quickly turned and ran back to Appaloosa as fast as I could go.
"Get him!" a voice boomed behind me, followed by the sound of a thunderous cacophony. As I ran, I turned my head around: hundreds of buffalo angrily stormed after me, the sight was a spectacle to behold. My mind then flicked to my wings. Barely ever use these bastards: might as well use them now! I thought. Quickly, I spread both wings in a flash, crouched slightly, and shot off into the sky. The floor no longer shook so violently as I hovered in mid air above the horde.

"Fuck you, you fuckin' motherfuckers!" I laughed down at them. "I know about your plan! Have fun getting through our defences, asshoooooles!" My taunting finished, I began to shoot back Appaloosa.

"Guysthey'replanninganattackandtheyjusttriedtokillmebecauseIchuckedtheequivalentofajarofpissintheirleader'sfacebecauseI'madickheadlikethatweneedtosetupdefencesnow!" I forced out in one breath. The girls, my friends, and other townsfolk stared at me as though I were insane. Quickly, Braeburn and the others trotted up to my panting for breath form.
"Calm down, Thunder." he said calmly, putting a hoof to my shoulder. "Catch your breath, then tell us what's happened." I breathed slowly for a second, straightened up, and cleared my throat.
"Ok." I started. "I set up camp above their camp. They seemed to be sharpening horns and putting on war paint: possible signs. Next morning, their Chief was breathing in my face, before claiming 'he had no intentions of hostility'. Just when I was turning to leave, I heard one buffalo whispering to their chief 'does he know you're lying?'. So, I chucked a jar of apple juice at him, turned, and flew back here. So, it can be assumed they're planning an attack. You're welcome."
"Alright..." Sheriff Silverstar groaned. "You heard the stallion, the buffalo are planning an attack. Get to making weapons, folks!" The Sheriff and Braeburn trotted off quite quickly, leaving me, the girls, and guys.
"Are you serious?" Inferno asked quickly. "They're gonna try and kill us? Shit."
"I'm as serious as Sam." I replied. "Look on the bright side: we get to chuck shit at bitches later, so that's cool."
"Yeah, but we can't be sure they won't do the same." Twilight cut in. "And what if they pack spears?"
"Don't worry: we have Human Ingenuity. We shall SUCCEED!" I cheered, raising a hoof as triumphant music played in the background. "Let us craft mighty blades and bows! Explosive rifles with grenade launchers! Heroic things! Let us do so!" And with that, my friends and I quickly cantered to the blacksmith.
20 minutes later...
"...oh cock, Twilight, your flank's on fire."
"It is...? Oh, SHIT!"
"Nice one, Solar. Fucking burning Twilight like that, you dumbass."
"Shut up, Fluttershy."
"Really? Care to make me, jackoff?"
"Nah, I'm good. Oh yeah, Fluttershy, you're on fire."
"I've been burned so many goddamned times my skin is a fireproof mass of scar tissue!"
"Where have I heard that befo-OW SHIT THE SPARKS JUST WENT IN MY EYE!"
"Ha, you deserved it, Ebony. Can I just ask: why is this screwdriver on fire?"
"Don't ask me, I'm just the guy welding wood to string."
"Whew, I'm back. My poor butt..."
"Need me to kiss it better, darling?"
"No thanks, Inferno. Appreciate the offer: maybe later."
"Anyway. Has anypony managed to make anything yet? That hasn't broken?"
"Erm. No?"
"Great. We are royally fucked."

Oh god, the restless night.

That night, as I sat under the stars with my crudely forged revolver, I realized how restless the night would be for some of us. For as it turns out, that night was the one night where Rarity, Fire Trail, Applejack, Solar Blast, Sky Wheel, Rainbow Dash, Inferno Cloud, and Twilight Sparkle decided to have a...what's the word? Eightsome? I don't fucking know. But it sounded as though GLAdoS was being replaced by Wheatley with her vocabulator set at max whilst it played through every speaker ever made. I contemplated going up and shooting them all, but then I looked at my 'gun'. Almost an exact replica of the .357 from Half Life 2, except with the added threat of it exploding in my hoof in a comical manner.
"Maybe I can eat it." I quietly said to myself. However, I stopped myself from swallowing the explosive object that would serve no practical purpose due to a sudden flash of blue beside me. I didn't even bother looking, and grinned.
"Come to help me find a use for this thing?" I asked.
"No," came the reply, followed by hoofsteps coming up beside me, "I came to find out which Hunter was jumping around upstairs." I looked quizically at Luna. She sighed. "Yes, I did see that part of your brain. One of these days, I'll bash Francis' head in."
"Yeah, his character's a dick like that. So whatchoo want?"
"Just to give you company. I saw the Blacksmith episode earlier. God, did Inferno really eat Twilight out in the storage cupboard, there? And you walked in on them?"
"Unfortunately, yes."
"Oh, the scandal that would have occurred if anypony else had seen them..."
"Yes. I wish it wasn't me, maybe some other guy with a camera who everypony believed."
"I mean, imagine the scandal if you were seen, kissing my succulent, curvy, attractive rump..."
"Princess or not, I will pull the trigger with this."
"Oh, the papers would never relent in asking you what my moist, deep blue lips taste like..."
"It'll kill me, but you as well, but I'll still pull this trigger."
"Just imagine licking my-"
"FINAL WARNING BEFORE I SHOVE THIS IN YOUR MOUTH."
We both looked at each other, before Luna lowered her eyelids halfway with a mischievous grin.
"Really? You'd shove 'it' in my mouth?"
"I'd do more than that. Oh, this remind me of the days when you were a sexually attractive moon goddess that made innuendo every sentence. I wonder if that part of you is still there...?"
"What's wrong with innuendos? A day without them would be long and hard."
"Yep, still there."
Silence reigned, as we sort of awkwardly sat beside each other.
"...Oh my god, JC, a bomb!" Luna yelled suddenly, laughing.
"A bomb!" I replied quickly.
"It's a remote detonation, I'll defuse it!"
"Hurry!"
"I just have to pull this trigger here, and..." Luna pulled the trigger on the pistol, slamming the hammer forward with no effect. "There, relax, nothing happened."
"What a shame." I replied, straightening my hat.
Silence.
"Wanna make lo-"
"NO." I stated firmly. "Maybe if we end up in a REAL relationship, but not now."
"Or, to quote a certain German doctor, 'Later'."
"You realize if you were a human and you made any reference from my mind, it would summon every nerd to do your bidding."
"It would?"
"Yep."
"Well, I command you to fetch me some coffee, slave."
"That's evil, but funny."
"I've run out of things to talk about."
"Same."
"See ya later."

"Bye." A bright flash of blue meant I was alone. After 10 seconds, I sighed. "I've really been affecting her."

"Mmmph...nnnnn...wow, AJ...I've known you for how long, and you feel so good...nnnf..."
"...aaaand, there goes my sanity again." I sighed, sipping more cider as the others groaned.
"Agreed." Braeburn replied. "And I thought my cousin was just a pretty fa-"
"Utter one more syllable and I'll have you killed." I growled sharply. Braeburn coughed, before adjusting his Stetson. Most of the ponies who weren't upstairs having an eightsome had elected to sit in the living room downstairs. Our group, consisting of me, Fluttershy, Pinkie Pie, Ebony Chopper, and Braeburn, had to put up with 'knighthoods' upstairs all night.
"Hmm...kinda bored." Fluttershy sighed, chugging some beer from the bottle and then tossing it out of the window. "How's the Revolver, Thunder?"
"Probably going to explode, and not on fire. So good." I replied. "I knew it was a good idea to wear a holster. Always a good idea."
"So...most humans wear holsters?" Braeburn asked.
"Quite a few do, yes, especially law enforcement in the United States. In the United Kingdom, however, the police are pussies, and only carry a stick. In gangster territory, them bitches don't need no holster. They tuck dem mo'fuckin' deagles down their pants, yo."
"Deagle?" Pinkie asked quickly. "Is that some kind of cigar? I like cigars."
"No, it's a really powerful pistol that can pierce 10 watermelons with a single shot. Bear in mind watermelons are about as hard as a human head." Ebony replied.
"Ohhh, shiiiiiit." Fluttershy laughed. "Dem niggas got served."
"You know, Fluttershy, you've changed since I first saw you. Maybe it's my friends and I, but you swear SOOOOO much."
"What's that? You got a fucking problem in you head? You think this is bullshit, you think I'm not trying? FUCK YOU. OK, FUCK. YOU."
"Right...?" I quietly muttered. "I might go to be-damn."
"What's up?" Braeburn asked.
"I'm gonna sleep outside. Ebony, you should too."
"Wh-oh." Ebony looked up, listened to the 'rockets entering dock', and nodded. Calmly, but with a huge chunk of sanity gone, we left the house.
It was worse outside.
"Aw, shit." Ebony groaned, sitting under the tree. "Did I ever tell you 'bout the time mah buddy Keith got stuck in a cereal box?"
"Ok, mate." I replied.
"Do you know what 'cumulonimbus' means?"
"Nah."
"Burger Tank!"
"I'mma gonna be a one man, cheeseburger apocalypse."

And not a single sleep was given that night.

So many Copyright Breaches!

Breakfast the next morning was the most impossible meal of my life. Even though I was happy to eat the toast, apples, drinks, things like that, it was mostly the things those involved with the 'escapades' the night before were saying that seriously made me want to punch Braeburn. He had nothing to do with it, but there's only so many times you want to hear Twilight say 'I guess I'm not the only one who can sparkle, Inferno' without needing to utterly obliterate somepony's face with a humongous pneumatic powered hoof to the face. Thankfully, however, that meal ended, and we finally went to our duties in the town.
Ponies were running around everywhere, setting up barricades, boarding up windows, creating cover, and in one reference too awesome to ignore, erectin' a dispenser. The one point that caught my eye about the citizens was the amount of guns they were packing. Revolver rifles, revolvers, a few automatic weapons, even some 'Elephant Guns'. It seemed the gun we had brought with us to Equestria was serving a better use as a template for new weapons over in the peaceful land of Equestria. We followed Braeburn over to Sheriff Silver-Star, who was in the process of pushing a box of munitions over to a nearby barricade.
"Sheriff?" Braeburn asked. "Where did all these weapons come from?"
"Canterlot." grunted the white earth pony in reply. "Train arrived full a' guards, they asked me to sign for a 'delivery', turned out to be 10 large crates full of these fancy guns. 'pparently the original concept of guns was designed by..."
Here comes the credit train...
"...a new company in Canterlot, goes by the name of Control-C Control-V."
"WHAT?!?!?!" my friends and I yelled in unison.
"Motherfucker! Some asshole's taking the credit!" Solar stomped his hoof on the ground.
"PISS! BLOODY SHOWPONIES!" I shouted angrily.
"Start crying, babies!" Ebony roared.
"They stole the frickin' intelligence!" Sky growled.
"Well, goodnight Irene! You done incurred mah WRATH, son!" Inferno yelled.
"Lynch mob! Lynch mob!" Fire chanted.
"What are y'all saying? Somepony stole your designs?" Silver asked. We explained to him where the designs came from. He seemed sceptical of the whole thing, until our very own 'this is not bullshit' machine, Twilight Sparkle, told him it was TRUE, and that she was Celestia's protegé. "Well, if that company's stolen your ideas, they're makin' money from it. Alert the Princesses, maybe they can help."
"Good plan, we can do it later." Rainbow replied, before delving into a nearby crate and removing a large rifle. She looked at the text on the side. "Designed with the ingenuity of Prince Blueblood, and the workmanship of Control-C Control-V. Wow, what a bunch of stuck up pricks."
"Wait, Blueblood?" I cut in.
"Prince fucking Blueblood?!?!" Inferno added. "That asshole stole our designs and took credit!"
"Where's my fucking Deathtrap?" I yelled.
"Marcee's a bitch." Rarity laughed. Such a reference being made, Fire immediately kissed her on the cheek.
"Alright, alright, let's just calm down. We can shove a flash grenade into Blueblood's mouth later. Right now, we need to decide who's taking up what position to kill Buffalo."
"Shotgun...er, shotgun." Sky blurted, reaching into the box and pulling out a sort of cheaply made Force-a-Nature lookalike. Whoever was inventing these things must have a link to Earth.
"Snipin's a good job, mate." I added. "I'll take a rifle. Goes with my hat." I trotted to the box, clambered up the side, reached in, and pulled out a strangely accurate replica of a Dragunov SVD. Except it was blue, and bore the Blueblood crest. "Bloody pikey." I didn't stick around to see who got what. I immediately spread my wings, flew up to the top of the clock tower, and lay down. Suddenly, there was a kick on my back hoof.
"Howdy." came a female voice. "You here to get rid o' these damn Buffalo?"
"Yeah, you?" I asked.
"Same. Name's Six Shot, finest pie thrower in Appaloosa. Ah could throw 6 pies in 3 seconds."
"So this is a big step up, then?"
"Yeah. Ah trained mahself to throw pies, not fire metal at angry buffalo. Nice hat, by the way."
"Thanks. Name's Thunder Mustang, I'm not from around here." I looked to my right. A grey, red maned mare was lying beside me, squinting down the scope of a similar rifle to mine. Had I not been courting the Princess I would have courted her instead. "I hope we can nail these buffalo as they come down the hill. If we do that, there should be carnage."
"Good plan. Say, ain't you the fella who arrived yesterday and got mixed up in all this?"
"Yeah."
"Apologies. The war between Buffalo and Appaloosans isn't somethin' anypony wants t' get mixed up in. Especially one who's tryin' t' flirt with Princess Luna."
"You heard about that?" I asked, turning the dial on the rifle scope to focus the image.
"The whole o' Equestria heard! Ah think ah might be the only one who's recognised y'all."
"Phew, thank god for that. Anyway, how long do you think it'll be before they start arriving? The buffalo, I mean?"
"Ah dunno. All I know is that at the sound of the bell, it'll be face-shooting o'clock."
Oh my gooooood, Face McShooty reference! I don't even know this mare! That's fucking awesome!
Just before I could reply, the hustle below stopped. Six and I stopped too. Just on the ridge outside Appaloosa, a massive line of brown appeared. Instinctively, I looked down the scope for a better look. Hundreds of Buffalo were glaring down at Appaloosa, except this time...they had a child?
"There's a calf up there." I whispered. "There's a fricking calf. Is this some kind of shielding technique? Use children?"
"Ah...ah dunno. Look, she's saying something to the chief." Six was looking down the sights. When I looked, it seemed as though the chief was accepting a fact. Some fact, I don't know. I was insane at the time. Just then, as we expected a charge, something unexpected happened.
They left.
They also left us in shock.
"They...just left?" a stallion shouted.
"I bet they're just frickin' terrified of all these badass weapons." Sky yelled from somewhere else.
"Ha, ragequit!" I laughed. "I wanted to nail the Chief in the head, but then he ran off like a pussy! Wiiiiiiiimps."
"Dag nabbit!" yelled somepony with a Texan accent. "Guess ah just wasted all this metal!"
"All I know, people," Sheriff Silver-Star cut in, heading out into the open territory ahead of the town. "Is that we won."
"Did we?" Pinkie suddenly asked, piercing the air with her voice, "Then why are they coming back?"
"What?" Quickly, I put my eye into the scope again. Sure enough, the tribalmen had come back, except this time they were armed to their whale blubber with spears. "Bollocks."

Author's Note

Ok, this one I wrote over the course of a day in Scotland, and I'm unsatisfied. Extremely unsatisfied. Any ideas for later chapters, lemme know. Otherwise, this tale will go downhill! It's up to YOU people to save this! Please! Help! Me! I! Don't! Know! Why! I! Talk! Like! This! Aaaaaahhhhhhh!

Thunder Mustang says: Explosioooooooons.

The ground rumbled even worse than it does when your mum walks past (OH SNAP, BEE-YATCH) as hundreds of buffalo took the ground apart as though it were their enemy. I expected the Sheriff to do something badass, like wait until they were right on top of us before firing, but instead...
"OPEN FIRE!" he yelled, drawing his revolver and firing a couple of shots.
"Who am I to disobey?" I muttered, leaning into the rifle scope and seeing who I should hit. The chief was weaving back and forth, occasionally charging forward, so he'd be a tough target. Instead, I picked the one that looked like nobody would miss him and pulled my hoof bang. A loud CRK-CHNK followed by a deafening boom signalled that it had fired. Every sound was muffled for a few moments, but I could clearly make out what Six Shot was yelling.
"Damn, that was loud!" she yelled, covering one of her ears. "Ah'd hate to have been on the receivin' end o' THAT!"
I remembered something all of a sudden; did I hit it? Ignoring the ringing, I put my eye to the scope and looked to where I'd fired previously, racking the charging bolt as I did so. To my surprise, I could see a point where the crowd was parting, and in that point there was a brutally mangled corpse of a Buffalo. Inbetween his eyes, a massive hole let you see aaaaaall the way through his head to his arse.
"Boom, headshot." I growled. Taking my eye from the scope, I looked to the front of Appaloosa. Rapidly approaching the barricades was Chief Thunderhooves, followed by a good twenty of his companions. The residents below, my friends included, were looking pretty worried. Reload speeds tumbled, accuracy, however, increased massively. Every few seconds, a sound reminiscent of Half Life's .357 would ring out, followed by a crumpling sound as a buffalo fell to the ground.
"Damn. Gotta kill the leader; that's the only way!" Sheriff yelled.
"He's weaving, it'll be harder to hit him." I yelled back. "And there's only so far I have to go until I lose my sanity, so I wanted to avoid killing!"
"Tough shit!" Sky yelled, flying forward, pulling the trigger, flying back, and then forward again, much like annoying Scouts. "You've already broken the Geneva Convention, so too late for that now! Just keep firing!"
Another voice caught everypony's attention.
"They're coming around the back!"
Sure enough, they were. We'd used almost all of our resources building the front wall, leaving practically none to build the others. Before anypony could react, 40 Buffalo smashed some crates open and began running down those who vainly tried to flee. Below, a brown stallion was knocked brutally down, a buffalo preparing to stab him with a spear. Just as he raised it, a deafening explosion of noise rang out to my right. I ignored my possible concussion, because that shot saved somepony's life. The Buffalo below didn't exist any more: a huge splatter of blood and limbs went everywhere, leaving behind nothing but an extremely horrified stallion.
"Stay the buck away from him." Six growled.
"Nice shot." I complemented.
"Well, can't have blood on mah hooves, can ah?"
"Bit hypocrit-"
Crk-rk.
"The bell tower's comin' down! Get outta there!"
"Aw, HELL NO!" I yelled in my best black guy voice. Quickly, I spread my wings, tucked my rifle under my leg, and picked up Six. She protested, before realizing that gravity said 'k fuk U bitch lol imma go holiday nao' and grabbed onto my leg. The world was turning sideways now, and we had to get out. So, we prepared to fly down the stai-

"Cover your ears." Six yelled over the groaning of the collapsing tower. Just before I could ask what she was doing, her sniper rifle went into her hooves, she shot the clockface, made it explode, and gestured quickly to it. I knew what she was saying, but just before I could leave I was rudely smacked in the head with a brick and went unconcious.

What the fu-aw, shit. Am I dead? If I am, my mum'll kill me.
No, you're not dead. Every second in here is a minute for those concious.
Hey Luna. You see that? That brick came outta nowhere.
Yes, I did. As we speak now, you're being sent to the best hospital we can get you, which happens to be in Fillydelphia. By my orders, might I add.
Thanks. Might have died out there.
But you killed a Buffalo. You don't have remorse?
...
...Ok, that was a stupid question, you don't need to tell me the definition of insanity.
Eeeeexactly. Can I ask, though: why are you here?
To keep you company. Though every second is a minute, it should take 13 hours for you to reach Fillydelphia. So, that gives us 13 minutes.
What are you implying?
What do you want me to be implying?
Poomph.
Aw, damn you.
Ha! Works every time! I think you have something for me...!
Well, the same applies to you. It only seems to be me you visit when you get 'drunk', 'bored', or 'want to keep me company'. Do you lo-
Don't even say it.
Say what? You mean lo-
I WILL TAZE YOU TO THE GROUND AND BURN YOUR BODY IF YOU SAY IT.
Why can't he say love?
Cadence! Welcome back to Casa del Thunder!
Thunder, good to see you. Sorry about the whole 'brick to the head' thing. Just be glad you ended up a Pegasus; an impact like that would snap a unicorn's horn off.
Ouch. Anyway, how'd you hear about it?
Well, Celestia seems to be rather amused by your daily escapades and tells us of them quite often, especially when we're not in regalia. The moment the crown comes off, she's practically somepony you might meet on the street. Anyway, she had to speak to Blueblood earlier, so decided to see what you were doing as a release. Unfortunately, that was being cracked over the head with a brick.
Heh Heh. Stalker.
Yes, I guess you could call her that. Oh, and according to this letter I just received...hold on...yep. Your friend Ebony Chopper's in jail.
PAHAHAHA! ARE YOU ACTUALLY SERIOUS?
Yep, serious as Sam. Apparently, he's in trouble for...blasphemy against her Majesty Princess Celestia. Really, he wants to date Celestia, so he's in jail. Wonder how Celestia's gonna react.
Guys, you seeing this? He's in jail for having an eye on me? Pfft. Over protective dumbasses.
Speak of the devil.
Who set the charge against him, I wonder? Let's see. Oh look, BlueBitch. What the FUCK does he have against you and your friends, Thunder?
A lost fight against Terramorphus, public insulting, and his jealousy of me, the Fresh Prince of Bel Air.
Ahhh, that was hilarious. Clearly there is no 'BRO' in 'BLUEBLOOD'.

yolo, #lol.

Cadence, don't make me get the Robolution.
Well, anyway, I guess I'll just have to clear the charges against Ebony.
And, on top of that, it's nearly been 13 minutes. You'll soon be waking up from your coma.
Alright, cool. I'll try not to vomit on the flowers.
Good. Vomit on Twilight instead. Serves her right for not sending me a birthday card.
When was your birthday?
I dunno; I'm well over a thousand years old. Like I'm going to remember one single fucking day every 365 days. I'm an old man, Jimmy. An ooooold man.
Heh. That reference. And you just said you were a dude; Ebony's gonna faint.
Hmmph. Hilarious. Anyway, I think he's coming to Canterlot later this month to give the massage. Implications, wink wink.
My my, Celestia, what are you suggesting? Inconspicuous point towards table with cards.
Yes, yes, we get it. You both know each other. You're both old.
Hey, I'm fucking 24, alright? Fricking cougar...
...what.
Yes, I called you a Cougar. It's a term from my dimension used to describe an older woman who preys on younger men. You're a thousand odd, I'm 24. Hmm. Cougarism? Yes.
Well, I have dated stallions my age! Yes! Back when Alicorns ruled the world!
That was so shocking I fell off your dinosaur. By the way, what was it like when light wasn't invented?
...you know what, shut up. Just wake up.
Trololololololoooooo...

Great. Now I'm half blind. You guys are crap doctors.

When I woke up, I couldn't see what was on my left.
Shit. I'm half blind: fucking fantastic. Oh, look at me, I'm Thunder Mustang, the Princess' friend with no fucking DEPTH PERCEPTION.
"Doctor, he's awake." A mare said down the corridor. Just before this could turn into some shitty clichè, I answered back.
"Yeah, I'm awake. Now what the hell have you done with my eye?" I growled.
"The doctor will explain that, now please just wait."
"Why? What's he doing now?"
"That's none of your concern."
"You're like a pre-recorded message, you know that?"
"Yes, I do. You stated your detest for me back in Ponyville."
"I bet I did." I sat up normally, and looked in the doorway of the average hospital room I had been put in. To my surprise, Nurse Redheart was stood looking tired as ever. "Redheart? What the hell are you doing here?"
"Temporary replacement. I'm taking a course to become a doctor, so I'm up here during that. Unfortunately, you're here too." she groaned at the last part, facehoofing.
"Well, good luck. Have fun with your...whatever it is you do as a doctor. Because you'll probably get the job."
"Aw, thanks. Why?"
"Well, fun ponies never get jobs as good as those who are more serious. It's a fact. Plus, 73.9% of ponies come up with random percentages and facts on the spot."
"Erm, motivational? I don't know how they're reacting to your injury in Ponyville."
"Probably quite well." Just then, a brown stallion with black mane, glasses, and coat trotted in. "'Sup."
"Sup. My name is Doctor Blutsauger, I was the one who watched over the operation on your head."
"So I needed stitches? Ok...but that doesn't explain why I'm completely blind in my left eye."
"That? Oh yes, in order to make sure you didn't...well, die, we had to disconnect your eyes using magic, lest they be damaged by a stray needle. It's not uncommon for one eye to take longer to get itself back up and working, so you might have to have a lack of depth perception for a few days."
"Alrighty then. When should I be leaving?"
"When you feel it's safe. After all, Fillydelphia does have busy streets, and having a non-functional eye doesn't tend to help. When you feel you're ready to leave, just tell a receptionist. They'll retrieve your hat, coat, and...weapon, and you can be on your way."
"Ok, thanks. I might just get used to my lack of depth perception for a few hours by walking around the room."
"As you wish, Mr Mustang."
The doctor and Nurse Redheart promptly left the room, and I began to swing my legs over the edge of the plastic or whatever the fucking material was bed. It wasn't hard to walk, but it was slightly difficult to figure out how far things were. I nearly walked into a wall a few times because I thought it was further away. However, after much adjusting, I managed to perform perfect laps of the room, and I felt ready to leave. I trotted calmly out of the door and down a corridor. Just as I was about to turn the corner, I swear I saw a stallion in a suit staring at me from the end of the long hall. I glared back at him, and, to my surprise, he turned and walked away.
"Who the fuck was that." I murmured. Ignoring it, I began to make my way down the staircase. From the amount of stairs there were, I could only assume I was originally on the 5th floor. So, that meant I had 10 flights of stairs to go down.

Fun.

Once I had prevented cardiac arrest due to too much effort going down stairs, and retrieved my belongings, I went out into the street. It was a bustle of activity: foals played games in the street, carriages clattered past, and high end ponies took up the space of 3 ponies with their ridiculous clothing.
"Pricks." I muttered, beginning my steady trot to the station. The buildings seemed reminiscent of 1950's New York, and so did the people. Suits, weird hats, some trotting about in military uniform, and the like. I would have looked very out of place; a blue stallion with gold striped mane and tail, wearing an Aussie slouch hat, a coat, and carrying a rifle doesn't really provide the best camoflage. Especially when walking past a group of mares, who were probably 'in' with fashion or whatever the fuck that meant. As I went past, the group went quiet, and I overheard one of the teenagers whisper 'oh my gosh, what is he wearing? So unfashionable.' I knew they'd react badly if I responded so I carried on going. I assumed I should go to the train station, but I didn't know if I had any bits to pay with. To find out, I reached into my coat pockets, where there was a piece of paper, nothing else. Confused at the thought of a mysterious piece of paper, I pulled it out and looked. It was a one-way ticket to Ponyville.
"Ha," I laughed quietly. "Somepony's being generous..."
Now I knew I had a ticket, I headed to the train station and boarded the train.
"Not a minute to spare." I sighed. The train left at 1:00, it was 12:59. As the conductor went past, I handed...erm, hoofed him my ticket, he punched it, and I reclined in my seat. Rifle above my head, hat on a nearby hanger, I felt that the only thing that could ruin this day was if an episode had occured back in Ponyville.

Later, during THE END OF EQUESTRIA AS WE FUCKING KNOW IT...

As soon as I got off the train, after a 3-4 hour trip, I realized a shitstorm had reared its ugly head. Parasprites, those little balls of shit with sickeningly rubbish, non-team specific colours, had decided to try to eat Ponyville's food. Rifle still on my back, and hat firmly on my head, I cantered into town to find Twilight before she cast the spell. You know, the one that puts the insects off real food and onto some other shit, like ponies and houses? Yeah, that. Sliding underneath a small swarm that was eating an apple stand, I rolled, sharply got to my hooves, and held course to Town Centre. Then I saw Twilight and the others, all stood with shock at what was going on. Her horn began charging, and I yelled.
"NO! DON'T FUCKING DO IT!" I shouted over panicked cries. "THEY'LL EAT THE TO-"
Too late. The purple wave washed over the town, and one by one, the Parasprites began to freeze in place. A few dropped to the ground near me, so I muttered some intelligible things and stomped on them, before going over to the girls. They seemed satisfied. Twilight smiled, and turned to me.
"Thunder, you're back! Good, now help us herd these Parasprites out of town before the Princess arrives!" Quickly, she turned and started pushing the insects around with magic.
"Twilight..." I began, putting a hoof on her shoulder, "Do you know what you actually just did?"
"Saved the town." she said proudly.
"No, you've fucking destroyed it. You stopped them eating the food, yes, but now they're gonna eat EVERY SINGLE FUCKING THING THAT ISN'T FOOD." The purple unicorn froze.
"You mean...?"
"Yes, I know what I mean. Best get to making those instruments for Pinkie."
"How do you know she wants-oh, right." However, just before Twilight could tell the girls what was needed, a scream split the air. Soon, similar yells, smashing sounds, and catastrophic buzzing noises appeared all over town. Mares and stallions ran everywhere, screaming in terror as the Parasite ripped their homes apart.
"Oh SHIT!" Twilight yelled, before breaking away and running. I facehoofed, unslung the rifle, and calmly began to look for my male friends. The girls would hardly be of use. I seemed like Handsome Jack as I trotted casually through the carnage, stopping once to grab a gas canister from a nearby builder's scaffold, all the while whistling as though it were a daily ritual.. That held on my back, I continued my quest. However, it didn't take long to find the other four, minus Ebony for obvious reasons. Fire was pushing them back using the Axe that Ebony had left behind, Solar was desperately magic-zerking and firing blasts faster than an 8-year old online can spew swear words, Inferno and Sky had opted to bring out their weapons from earlier in the year when we faced down Terry and ran off. I picked up the pace, performed a deft front roll, and fired the rifle right into a group of Parasprites. The blast's trajectory lanced at least 40 of them, before slamming into the wall, splintering masonry into the group and crushing hundreds more. But that wouldn't be enough. I waved.
"G'day!" I yelled, running over to the fantastic four, who had holed up near 'Oil Baron's Machine Fuels(!).
"Well, you're back quick." Fire shouted over the buzzing noise. "And what the fuck happened to your eye?!"
"Long story short, I'm a Black Scottish Cyclops, but it's not important! Do you guys think you could cover me whilst I go Engineer with this fuel can?"

"Sure, but don't take too long!" Inferno replied, swiping with his sword. I nodded, and cantered into the machine shop out back, sealed the wooden door, and slammed the gas tank onto the workbench. Next, I removed my hat, and put on the conveniently placed welding mask. I'd done machine work during school years, so I just had to recall what I'd learned. Putting the mask down, and laughing like an Engineer, I picked up the welding torch.

"...wooooowee." I laughed to myself, picking up my new weapon. After 10 minutes of forging, welding, hammering, and painting on terrifying Dragon Faces, I had made a crudely manufactured flamethrower. I also took the liberty of welding the rifle to the bottom, and thus it was awesome and 400% less likely to break my shoulder and/or leg! Perfect! Removing the welding mask, putting on the slouch, and bucking the door down, I saw my friends were quickly being overrun; a spectrum of colours had arisen in front of them. Pulling the brow of my hat down, smirking, and stepping forward, I pumped the trigger. A billowing jet of flame flew out of the nozzle, defoliant coating the area and igniting hundreds upon hundreds of parasprites, their swarm nature being their downfall. Not even seconds had passed, and I had managed to burn down several buildings covered in Parasprites, maim hundreds more, and scar several ponies for life. From my position on my hind legs, I learned from my time playing Pyro on TF2, raised the weapon over my head, and laughed as I shook it up and down. Amid the carnage, 4 figures emerged, coughing and covered in soot.
"Fucking psycho..." Sky coughed, shielding his eyes.
"Mmhmm." I replied.
"Bloody effective though." Inferno noted.
"Yep, it was." Fire added.
"Well, what are we waiting for? Let's go scar some more ponies, terrify our girlfriends, and give the Princess a 'warm' welcome!" Solar laughed. "Then we can get you a fucking gas mask and suit."
"YES!" I laughed. "Let's GOOOOOOO!" Letting out a deafening battle cry, we charged through the intense heat, waving weapons around as we cut through and burned swarms of Parasprites. Ponies just watched as we melted the infestation with no remorse. After a good 20 minutes of cartoonishly bloody violence against a swarm of insects, we had practically killed the species off. Sighing with relief, we sat down in the centre of town, just outside the Hall. We just sat there; none of us bothering to speak.
"Y'know," Inferno broke the silence, "I think we've done a good deed."
Crmple.
"Aside from burning down a few buildings and making Ponyville look like the ending of 'Meet the Pyro'?" I asked.
"You're the Pyro, you tell me." Solar chuckled. "As I was saying, I'm getting you a fucking gas mask."
"Get it before the Gala, mate." Sky said over the sound of charred wood hitting the floor. "He needs something to cover his ugly mug when he goes to the Gala. Don't want Luna to go blind." We shared a laugh at that moment. Just then, hoofsteps were heard.
"What have you guys done?" Twilight groaned.
"Cleansed the Parasite, followed the path, and begun the Great Journey." I answered.
"OO-RAH." added the other guys.
"Well, you got rid of them." Rainbow agreed. "And a large portion of the town."
"Meh. That can be fixed. Fixed quicker than if the swarm had just eaten everything and left, anyway." I replied. The girls came and sat down.
"What about the princess' visit?" Twilight asked.
"Don't ask me." I groaned, clicking my back. "I'm just the Exterminator, here to clean an infestation."
"Can I ask, what the hell is that thing you were using? Why don't you make some of those for the Guards in Canterlot?"
"Because you and Inferno would just find some way to integrate it into your sexcapades." I laughed, before mocking Twilight, "Oh, I didn't know you were this 'hot'." Everypony laughed at that thought.
"Laugh all you want, Thunder, but all of us are in relationships. You're not." Twilight snorted.
"Oh, that reminds me, Ebony's in jail."
"WHAT?" everypony asked simultaneously.
"Prince Blueblood, same guy who took credit from us bringing guns here, had him arrested for 'blasphemy against Princess Celestia'. Celestia took it upon herself to release him from jail, because she's awesome."
"Thought you hated her?" Rarity smirked. "Have you been...spending time with her?"
"Well, yes, because she's been breaking into my mind. Not as much as Luna is, though. Anyway, we just chat when she has 'nothing to do', and whatnot."
"Are you sure that's it?" Rainbow giggled.
"Considering how all 8 of you had an...errm, eightsome, and you girls have most likely had sex before that, shut up. Not to mention I could just burn you guys right now, so...yeah."
"You win, but try explaining this damage to the Princesses." Twilight laughed.
"Easy, I'll just tell her she left the sun out too long, and it burned everything." I replied calmly.
"Really?" came a sudden voice. "Then why do you have a makeshift flamethrower beside you?" I turned my neck to behind me, and came snout-to-knee with Celestia. Slowly, I looked up, and Celestia looked quite bemused, as usual. This time, however, she was wearing reading glasses and had a newspaper levitating folded beside her.
"Sup." I said calmly, standing up.
"Bad brony." she giggled, swatting me over the head with a newspaper. "Though I must say, Blueblood did seem smug everytime a guard walked past with a gun. I wondered why. Now I know, so I should pay the company a visit."
"Where is this coming from?" I asked.
"I heard your whole conversation through an invisibilty spell. Really Twilight? You'd say something like that?" Twilight blushed and giggled.
"Ummm...yes."

Poker Night at the Library...LIKE SNAKE BOXER SIX!

A few days before the Gala, all twelve of us had decided to have an evening set aside where we did 'grown up things', like gambling, drinking, and, in the case of eight of us...you get what I mean. First off, however, we'd be playing poker. All of us had agreed no fancy clothes were necessary, but we could wear something if we wanted to. I had decided to wear my hat, mostly because it would allow me to cheat somehow. The now released Ebony had opted to wear a visor, with a hole where his horn, cleverly, held the thing onto his head. Solar just went with his mane washed, a first for the stinky bugger. I hadn't seen him leaving the bathroom of our house, never mind knew if he's had a shower. Anyway, Inferno just went wearing some slim glasses, looking quite professional. Sky and Fire were the only ones who decided against wearing clothing, 'because it was too warm'. They had a point, it was mid-summer, but I just ignored that. By the time we were on the way to Twilight's, the sky had a sunset-purple glow, giving it a professional feel. As we passed the shop promenade, something caught my eye. 'Gryphonian Cigars'.
"Damn." I muttered. "Hey guys, wanna buy some cigars?"
"Alright, it's not like I give a damn about my lungs." Ebony shrugged. "I'll get 12, 2 each." Without any further things being said, he went into the shop, then came out 40 seconds later with a case levitated beside him. "Well, they didn't do 12 packs, they only did them in 24. So, 4 each."
"Nice, how much lighter is your wallet, though?" I asked.
"What wallet?" Ebony laughed. Each of us took a cigar, had them lit courtesy of a nearby candle on a table, and carried on. Cigars really choked you, but felt good at the same time. And, according to the box, contained no nicotine. So, no addiction: awesome. Our path to Twilight's didn't take long, we bumped into Colgate, Berry Punch, Cheerilee, Vinyl, Lyra, and Bon-Bon, had a short chat, before heading around the corner to the Library. Raising a hoof to knock on the door, it was as though she had been expecting us. The door swung open, the lavender mare on the other side wearing fake lashes and presumably a teeth whitening spell.
"Welcome to Casino Sparkle, please take a seat." she giggled, ushering us in to a very different looking Library. Instead of one table offset to the back of the room, now it was a giant table in the centre of the room, with a single lightbulb illuminating it with a rather gangster-like tone. One by one, we filed in, Inferno planting a kiss on his lover's cheek, before we sat down. Twilight looked as though she was gagging through the cigar smoke.
"These?" I asked, pointing at the brown cigar coming from my mouth, "We picked these up from a shop. There's some in that box, if you want one."
"No," she coughed, wafting it with a hoof. "I'm good. I didn't know you guys smoked, though."
"I don't." Inferno replied. "Well, didn't. I've got 4 of these to finish, and they're a relaxant, so looking at the way we're going, Twilight, these'll be used a LOT. If you know what I'm saying." Twilight groaned, but was interuppted by a knocking at the door. Sighing, she got up and opened it.
"Hello, darlings!~~" sang Rarity. We all knew she'd go OTT on her dress, and we were right. It was pretty much her Gala dress in the size of it and how unnecessary it was.
"Style rather than space?" I asked. She growled. "At least I didn't opt to wear such a dingy hat. Do you even know what that might have had on it?"
"Jarate, blood, sand, and masonry." I proudly replied. "Hat of a TRUE marksman."
"Hmmph." Rarity muttered as she sat down. "Have you been preparing for the Gala?"
"No." replied my friends and I instantly.
"Not like we can be fucked with that." Fire snorted, taking a puff from his cigar.
"Do you know what I can be fucked with?" Rarity replied, offering the earth pony a half lidded look. He chuckled to himself about something, presumably the 49th chapter of some inner monologue he was writing. However, these conversations were short lived, as the girls had begun arriving. One by one they filed through the door, taking seats around the table. Once we'd all taken our seats, Twilight decided to deal. She dove beneath the table, and came back wearing the same type of visor Ebony wore, except in a transparent green. After a second, she lit her horn again, and a green cloth with poker markings all over it landed onto the table, in an extremely professional manner.
"Nice," I whistled. "How long did you spend learning that?"
"Few hours." Twilight smiled, eyes rolling about in their sockets before she stopped them with a shake of her head."Really screws with your head, though."
"Huh. Where's Spike?"
"He went out to have a sleepover with the Cutie Mark Crusaders."
"Twilight! You know he's too young for THA-"
"Shut the fuck up."
"Now I know why he's not here." Solar laughed. I began to draw from my cigar again, because it felt damn good, but then I heard something that changed it.
"Oh, Thunder, Princess Luna's coming down to join the game." Twilight smirked.
"She's probably not." I groaned.
I am.
SHIT.
I promptly inhaled sharply, which also happened to pull the cigar in and down my throat. The feeling was incredibly painful, and burned my throat, lungs, and stomach. A hoof immediately began smacking my back to remove it, and I coughed it up. Well, what was left of it. A cloud of ashes came from my mouth.
"Jesus CHRIST, you guys!" I yelled, "FUCKING TELL ME THESE THINGS BEFOREHAND!"
"Calm down, Thunder, you were in the bathroom at the tim-"
"Did you not think to tell me when I CAME OUT OF THERE?!"
"What's so important about this, anyway?"
"I DON'T FUCKING KNOW!"

Author's Note

Kudos to those who can understand both references in the title.

Endgame...maybe.

My mind was in meltdown. I had randomly begun to panic when I received word that Luna was arriving, my throat still hurt from when I choked on my cigar, and I swear I kept seeing a stallion in a suit across the road staring at me through the window. It had gotten so bad that I went to go and sit outside under the stars, awaiting the moment where the Princess would come and sit beside me and do awkward things. The air had a cooling breeze, I could see the Ponyville night-life, and it was a deep purple sky that night. In other words, amazing. It did little to calm me down, though. I sighed, looked down in the street, and the stallion in the suit was still stood there.
Except he was still staring at me. My mind flashed back: I was assertive I'd seen him before. Then it hit me.
"Is that the same guy from the...?" I began to ask, looking up at the moon for effect. When I looked back, however, he was gone. "No, I'm seeing things. I should go talk to Celestia about this."
You should.
What now...?
Ok, what has gotten into you? You panicked a few minutes ago when they said I was coming to the Poker Game, you're panicking over a stallion in the street you think you've seen before, and now you're pissed at me?
I don't know...maybe the last few days have been too much...just...I dunno.
Aw, don't worry. Maybe it's just a simple case of getting my sister to perform that spell again, hm?
Maybe...but I'm still not sure about that...guy. He was staring at me as I left the hospital in Fillydelphia, and now he's followed me to Ponyville. He seems like he's stalking me?
Hmm...I think you're just hallucinating. Maybe you're just worked up over nothing. Nothing a simple massage can't fix.
Why does this always link to that bloody massage...?
Well, I'm looking forward to it. Private meeting in my chambers, no cameras, no paparazzi, no intruders, possibly besides that Mole that Equestria Daily implanted in the palace...
Have you not spoken to them about this? Like, politely asked them to never fucking do that shit again lest you tear all of their heads off and shove them up their asses five times?
I considered it, but they'd find some loophole, maybe creating an article stating that I'm overprotective of you, or something.
Kill them all. No survivors, no magazine, no more embarrassing stories. The end.
See, you're back to the Thunder I know and love.
Love? Princess, what are you sa-
NOTHING.
Jesus, calm down. I was just asking. And when are you going to get here?
When you get levitated into the air and given a million hugs to cheer you up, you'll know I've arrived.
Are you sure it's because you want to cheer me up...?
YES. NO OTHER REASON, IT'S NO BECAUSE, LIKE, I'M REALLY HORNY OR ANYTHING.
Wow, calm do-wait, horny? What have you been drin-
Err...Griffonian Vodka?
Huh. And you're sure you're not drunk?
Yes, certainly. If I was drunk, there would be no escaping my lustful wrath.
Wow, that actually sounds kind of terrifying.
It does, doesn't it? Now just picture every mare in Equestria being like that, and that's an accurate description of Spring Fever.
If that happens here, do you have any advice on how I can avoid getting abused by random mares and mares I know?
Board up your windows, create an underground bunker with 14-inch thick titanium doors, don't be afraid to punch your way out of a jam, and maybe travel in a pack with other stallions you trust.
Ok, that sounds good, but expensive...aaaaand I'm floating. You've arrived, haven't you?
"Yes. Hug time!" Luna giggled, squee'ing directly afterwards and melting my heart. Before I could argue, hooves wrapped around my back, and I was hugged mercilessly. Her cheek was warm and fuzzy as she pressed the side of her face against the side of mine. It was getting hard to breathe, until she levitated me out of her grip.
"If I can make a request," I gasped, "Stop being so adorable when you hug things. My heart just melted."
"Somepony needs another huuuug!~~" she sang, before pulling me forward and hugging me again.
"How long is this going to last?" I asked, trying not to be mesmerized by her warm fur.
"Until you cheer up. You seemed sad, and, according to Cadence, hugs are the best way to make somepony happier again." Once again, I was hugged.
"I think it's because you love me." I muttered, but the muttering fell on deaf ears. Just then, there was a flash of light. Blearily, I began to look around for the blatant camerapony. Even Luna began to look around for the flash's source. Just then, there was another flash.
"Awww, they're hugging!" a mare giggled from inside. Quickly, I looked at the doorway, and sure enough, quite a few more ponies than the girls and my friends were stood with shit-eating grins. It seemed as though most of Ponyville had come to the Library for the spectacle of pissing me off.
"Woah, where the fuck did you people come from?!" I yelled in surprise.
"Twilight, the girls, and your friends invited us!" Colgate laughed. "They said that they were hoping to help you and the Princess go down the Path of Love!"
"Well, tell them they're assholes." I replied angrily. "I'm failing to see the point of this, even if the Princess and I DID end up in a relationship, I'd call this a fucking breach of privacy!"
"Lighten up, Thunder!" Berry giggled.
"You fucking tell me to 'lighten up', I'll get my rifle and lighten your body up by REMOVING YOUR GODDAMN HEADS!" I roared. I stood up, and began walking slowly towards the crowd. They all looked terrified, like they were willing to forget this, but insanity had taken my mind again and wanted to make sure this was etched into their minds permanently. I didn't care about public image now. "You think, ha, you think you can just fucking WALTZ about, intefering with MY LIFE? Back on Earth, I would have fucking hunted you all and skinned you whilst you were still living for such stupidity! But no more. NO MORE. You think I enjoy this shit, you think I WANT TO BE THE FUCKING BAD GUY?! I'll be a fucking bad guy, I will KILL YOU. Then I'll throw you down a fucking hill, and kill you again." Moments of shocked silence followed. Just then, a hoof touched my shoulder.
"Th-Thunder...?" Luna whispered. I snapped my head around, glaring at her. She was on the brink of tears. "Are you OK, Thun-"
"THUNDER ISN'T FUCKING HERE ANYMORE! HE'S GONE, DEAD, LEFT! There's no more friendship. No magic. No nothing, no BULLSHIT!" I shouted in her face. The Princess reeled, back, looked at me, before frowning, standing up, and glaring at me.
"Very well. Be this way, ye foal. But thou must know we art no longer allies." With that, the Princess ignited her horn, and disappeared. I turned to the crowd.

"As for YOU shitbags, I'm going to go and break something, and you'd better fucking hope it's my own neck. Otherwise, the next pony to approach me for conversation, the pony who so much as fucking WHISPERS this story to Equestria Daily or any other magazine, is going to wish that they'd never been born." Angrily, I spread my wings, and flew off to where I could be alone.

So, you got angry with my sister? You realize I now, by ancient law, am able to have you execeuted?
Like I give a fuck. Go shove your execution where the sun doesn't fucking shine.
An attitude like that is actually a valid reason for exile or execution.
I honestly couldn't give a shit right now.
Why? Still enraged? Still angry with yourself for your own lack of self-control? You can't blame Lulu for that, you-
Princess, I have placed my jaw on the barrel of a Dragunov SVD rifle. The rifle is connected to a timer that I have just set. Once the timer ends, a resounding boom will echo around Equestria as a .50 calibre bullet destroys my skull, brain, and head. Everypony who was close to me will not find out until the fuse attached to multiple flamethrowers much like the one I used to clear up the Parasites will set off, burning the homes of your student, the Elements of Harmony, my friends, and several other randomly selected citizens and homes, killing them without even giving them a second thought. And, if you don't believe me, of course, a makeshift crossbow is levelled at Ebony Chopper's head, held by my own hooves. Before the timer ends I will have fired the steel spike into his skull and killed him. You have 60 seconds to give me a reason why I should stop the timer.
You're bluffing, psychopath. I'm sending gua-
Send guards and I will wind the timer forward to the end. 55 seconds.
Ok, ok, I'll play your twisted game. You and Luna have known each other since her return almost a year ago. You were there for her when she attempted to kill you and your friends whilst under Nightmare Moon's influence. Even then, you still found the goodness in her heart, and kept the Nightmare from completely controlling her, right?
All the more reason to do it. 29 seconds.
OK, OK, listen, I've seen the way you look at her. The way she looks at you when you're together. You are one with the night, you made my sister welcome when all other doors slammed, and in return she treated you like the brother she never had-that I never had.
15. Fucking. Seconds.
Listen to me now, Thunder. You're just hunting for attention. Put. The. Timer. Off. Now.
Timer set forward 3 seconds. 5 seconds.
Think about what you're doing, Thunder! It would shatter her heart forever!
That's the point! 3!
I know you're angry, just sto-
2!
You're like my brother, don't do it! Plea-
1! Fuck YO-
Stop what you are doing, Mr Mustang. Stop, and smell the ash storm.

The plot thickens exponentially. Or some other fancy word shit.

Don't try to stop me, you fucking stranger.
On the contrary, Mr Mustang. I don't think your...friends would notice this elaborate suicide and homicide.
Who the hell are you? You sound like the G-
Who I am is of no concern to you. Your only concern should be the plans we have had for a long time that involve you...
Celestia, who the fuck is this joker? Celestia? Celestia, you there?
Right now, we are the only people in your...eccentric mind. Bear in mind that we have been observing every one of your moves.
You're the G-Stallion...?
If you were to put it in such a crude way, I am. Would you like to know anything else before we start, Mr Mustang?
Two things; did you make me go insane, and who do you work for?
I work for a group that has been...protecting you and your companions from death and danger. We have big plans for you, so the risk of you slipping away is too great. To answer the first question, no. We can find no possible reason for you to have snapped right then, so it can be assumed you've gone insane.
Right...so what do you want?
As stated, you are part of our greatest plan. To bring about the return of chaos. The return of insanity. The return of Lord Discord.
Well, I've already brought insanity to Equestria when I first arrived, so he's kind of late.
Ooooh, I'm late to the party, that's a shame.
Are you...Discord, by any chance?
Finally, somebody other than these CULTISTS that recognises my gorgeous face.
Did you send me here? From my home, to Equestria?
No, that was NOT me, I do not waste my time with such petty things. And, in case you didn't know, I'm a statue right now. I can't actually do anything, besides dream of chaos...
Huh...any idea who MIGHT have sent me here? I've already asked Moony...
Moony?! That's her name these days?! Oh, that's a good one.
No, her name these days is Princess Luna. She just decided to be a bitch so I stopped speaking with her.
As you can see, Mr Mustang, Lord Discord cannot be brought back without first having a chip in his stone imprisonment. That slight dent, caused by you, can bring about a new age of madness. You would be the legend.
But how am I going to do it? The Princesses and I aren't exactly 'buddies' right now, so getting into Canterlot without being arrested will be impossible.
Of course; that is if they could see you going in.
What, so you're gonna make me invisible? Like a ninjaaaaa?
No, our plan simply consists of you climbing to the top of the peak, before diving down with a chisel to break the casing. A small indentation in a wall could cause its collapse, if placed correctly.
Ok, I've heard enough. I'll help, but on one condition.
And such a term might be?
That I can assist in the ensuing carnage.
Aaaaah, I knew this guy would help! Such a bucket of chocolate milk he is! Hahaaaaaaa! I shall see you when the chiselling takes place.
Very well. Send me more details later.
Well, before I go, would you like assistance with escaping your suicide?
Certainly. Might you be able to get me into Celestia's quarters? I have a bone to pick with her, and her sister.

Very well. Just wake up, Mr Mustang. Wake up, and smell the ashes.

The image of the G-Stallion faded, and as he faded I was assertive I definitely wasn't in my room. Lavishly decorated pillars towered to the roof, there was a perfect white marble floor, and just across the room stood the target of my rage. Celestia was stood, facing away from me and...crying? I stepped forward quietly. I managed to get all the way to being right beside her, until I sighed.
"I'm not dead, Celestia." My voice caused her to immediately look in surprise, a shocked expression on her face. She remained this way, before sniffing away tears and looking away.
"Yes, you are." she whispered. "I heard the gunshot. You've just come to taunt me. Go back through the wall you came through."
"Nope.avi." I replied calmly. "If I were a ghost, it would be impossible for me to have feelings. And ghosts come back to haunt the places they had a strong emotional attachment to: I have no attachment to your bedroom." Celestia looked down at me again, blinking away tears. "If I were a ghost, I wouldn't have come here to...you know...apologize. Ghosts keep their same emotions they had before death, and their opinions never change on what they loved, hated, liked, and detested. Right now I only have guilt for lying to you."
"Lying?" asked the Princess.
"Yes." I paused. "The timer wasn't connected to anything other than the rifle. It fired harmlessly into the floor. I'm still alive, your pupil is still alive, they're all still alive." Just before I could explain anything else, I was pulled into a crushing nuzzle-hug thing.
"Don't ever do that again." Celestia said quickly. I felt tears going down my neck, probably hers. "Luna...she'd be heartbroken."
"She wouldn't." I grunted, forcing my way out of the nuzzle thing. (Huzzle? Nah, that sounds like another word for gang rape.)
"Well, of course she would be. Oh, you're referring to your falling out?" Celestia turned and sighed. "She's locked herself in her chambers, she won't speak to anypony, not even me. You really changed her over the year."
"Well, she won't want to speak to me if even you thought I was a ghost." I snorted, and began walking towards the balcony edge. Just as I spread my wings and prepared to leave, Celestia piped up.
"But...it's worth a shot at speaking to her, right?" Celestia asked. I stopped to consider this. Wouldn't hurt to try...unless she throws me at a wall.
"...alright, I'll try." I sighed, folding my wings as Celestia escorted me towards the door. I paused again. "And Princess? Thank you. For giving me another chance." Celestia smiled, and rubbed a hoof in my mane.
"Well, what would I do without you and your friends? You're all like brothers to me."

Yes, I nearly killed myself. Apology hug?

After avoiding patrol after patrol after patrol of guards for what felt like 3 hours, I made it to the corridor where Luna's chambers were situated. Quickly, I flew up onto one of the marble ledges covered in foliage that easily concealed me. After 4 minutes, I was assertive that I had not been detected, and peeked my head out of the plants to observe my target. The large door was defended by two guards, who were, as usual, being casual. They seemed to be on alert, though, so I crawled back into plant cover.
I could cause a distraction. Maybe throw a loose rock or something down the corridor? Hmm...what was that thing you did in 007 Legends? I don't have a silenced weapon, laser watch, or dart gun. Maybe I could distract them, then when one goes to investigate, distract him further and further from his partner, before leading his partner away? Nah. Lead one to face the other way, knock the one out behind the other, then knock the one in front out? Hmm. Was that how 007 did it? Yeah, I think it was, I dunno. Anyway, first things first: distraction. Damn, I wish I had Jason Brody's throwing capabilities with rocks...
I looked behind me, raising onto my hooves slightly so I could find a rock. Or, in this case, a dead pigeon.
"Shit. How long did he spend formulating a plan?" I whispered to myself. Deciding to figure that out later, I pulled the skull from the skeleton as quietly as I could, my hoof making a barely audible clok sound as it removed the bone. I gave it a few tosses into the air before catching it with my hoof, before taking aim down the hall. Juuuust to the plant pot, that should do the trick. I thought. I counted to three, before grunting quietly as the tiny bird skull soared down the corridor. It flew quite far, before dropping down next to the plant pot. The tiny clack alerted the two guards, as I'd hoped.
"Huh. You hear that, Scorch?" the one on the left asked.
"Damn right, I did." Scorch replied, both looking to the source of the noise. "Serrated, you go check it out. I've got you covered." Serrated attempted to argue, before admitting defeat and trotting over to the pot. Scorch, however, didn't seem to be covering him, just idly glancing about. Neither were wearing helmets, presumably due to it being warm, so thus it was easy to see their manes, necks, and heads, also making it easy to knock them unconcious. I edged across the top of the ledge I was on, before silently gliding to the top of Luna's door. It had a large edge, making a small platform for me to stand on. I went above Scorch, took a breath, and leapt down on top of him. Surprisingly, there was no clanking sound as the stallion was forced to the ground, muffled, and subdued. I didn't even think I would be able to do that. Whatever: I still had Serrated to take down. Quietly, I got up from the limp Scorch, and began to sneak towards Serrated. He was still looking into the plant pot, until-
CRAK.
I punched him right in the neck, he let out a muffled cry of pain before I punched him again and shut him up. As he crumpled to the floor, I stood up. I looked at my hooves, then at the two guards, then back at my hoof.
"Nailed 'em." I whispered, pumping a hoof and biting my lip. I then remembered: where am I gonna hide these two? I suppose I could put them back in their original places and make it look as though they passed out...or I could knock on Luna's door, then claim I found them like this? Yes. I dragged Serrated over to the doorway, before putting him in the recovery position. I remembered it from scouts. Kind of. Once he was in the recovery position, I reached a hoof out to knock on the door, then paused. I was just about to knock, when the door opened anyway. Luna was just about to walk out, until I stopped her.
"Luna, your guards are unconcious, they need medical attention, I don't know how I got here, and I need help doing CPR on this guy!" I said quickly. She frowned at me, before looking at her guards and groaning.
"I'm still not forgiving you." she huffed. "But these guards are in need of medical help. So, I'll help you, before throwing you in the dungeons for breaking and entering Canterlot Palace. Are we clear?"
"Yes." I sighed. Immediately, I stood up. "Try to keep these guys alive, I'll go get a medical officer or two. Where's the infirmary?"
"Down the hall, to your left, 4th door." Luna quickly replied. I nodded, spread my wings, and began to fly down the hall. I took a sharp left, then counted the doors.
"Ok...1...2...3...4! Ok, good." Quickly, I folded my wings, performed a sort of safety roll, and got to my hooves. I pushed the door open, then ran to a nearby doctor. He didn't seem to be doing anything, except...wait, it's the doctor who fixed my wi-
"YOU?!" he shouted in surprise when seeing me. "Wha-what are you doing here?!"
"Not important! There's two guards unconcious down the hall, they need help! Princess Luna's doing CPR on them, I think, so hurry!"
"Err, ok? I'll get my gear...?"
"Good, go outside, take a right, then another right. You'll see the princess or me there, so make it quick!" Just before the doctor could saying anything else, I flew back down the way I came, and saw the Princess. She just seemed to be slapping Serrated in the face quite cautiously. I landed just beside her.
"Yep, he's on his way." I said. I sounded quite out of breath. I ignored it, before sitting down beside the Princess.
"You're still not forgiven." she muttered.
"Yeah? What if I were to give you details about a plot by Discord to escape his stone imprisonment?" I asked. She stopped slapping the Guard, stood up, and looked at me. I stood up. The medical officer ran up behind us, before bowing, then beginning to perform CPR on the two guards.
"Follow me into my quarters." Luna sighed. Turning, opening the door, and entering, the Princess ushered me inside and slammed the door behind me. After a moment, she spoke. "What were you saying?"
"Okay. You know I said about that creepy stallion that's been following me around?"
She nodded.
"Well, I've taken to calling him the G-Stallion, and it turns out he's part of some cult. A cult that plans to bring about the return of Discord, or 'Lord Discord', as they called him."
"Oh, no..." Luna groaned, facehoofing. "This happened a few years after we took over from Discord, a group of extremists tried to break his stone imprisonment. They succeeded, up to his neck, before my sister and I sent them to rot in the dungeons for treason."
"So this has happened before?"
"Yes. How do you know about this?"
"That stallion managed to do the same thing Cadence, your sister, Shining Armour, and yourself have being doing over this year. He went into my mind, believing my insanity was a moment of weakness, and 'convinced' me over to their cause. Of course, Discord joined the conversation, and he's a nutjob, so I obviously bullshitted them in saying that I would help them. Their plan consisted of me breaking into the statue garden, and chiselling a part of Discord's stone prison, so he could break free."
"Not exactly elaborate. Their plan last time was much flashier..."
"If you say so. Anyway, there may be some cultists roaming the city, possibly even in the castle, so you'd need to find them."
"Well...it seems as though an ancient cult has risen again, you've fixed your mind, and have betrayed that cult's trust to regain my own." Luna gave me the once over with her gaze, before smiling. "It looks like you're back to normal."
"Yes, I suppose so." I sighed. "Apology...whatever you want. Hugs, party, massa-awww, dammit." I facehoofed. Luna, meanwhile was giggling.
"I'll take the last option, if you don't mind."
"Yep. Just say the word."
"The word. Now get on my back and give me the best massage you can possibly perform."
I did just that. The Princess had already removed her regalia, got onto her bed, and lay down. So, it was my job to try not to get a wing boner and give her a massage. Cautiously, I straddled her back, and placed my hooves on her shoulderblades. Slowly, I began to move them in circles.
"So...friends?" I asked quietly.
"Friends." she replied. "Just the way it should be."

Yes, it happened, shut up. Before I start gloating about it, at least.

The next morning, I had sunlight beaming in through the windows and into my eyes. Squinting at the morning glory, I closed my eyes, rolled over and wrapped my foreleg around something warm, fluffy, and moving. I didn't care what it was until it wrapped it's own leg around me. Quickly, I snapped both eyes open, to come face to face with Luna. She had an adorable expression when she was asleep, and thus I didn't feel immediately compelled to wake her up: instead opting to just go back to sleep and keep the quiet alive. Sighing with content at what was going on, I wriggled about under the covers, finding a comfortable position as I kept the warmth of the Princess against me. It felt quite relaxing. Suddenly, Luna stirred. She let out a quiet yawn, before slowly opening her eyes. Gradually, she became aware of her surroundings. However, the point came where she laid eyes upon me, and looked quite shocked.
"Um...hi?" I said cautiously. Luna just sighed. Then, began to giggle. I didn't see the funny side.
"Well, now we both know I can't handle a massage!" she laughed. I joined in as well; either something did happen during that massage that tipped both of us over the edge, or something else. Either way, I was lying next to Princess Luna in her personal chambers, both of us laughing about the previous night. It felt slightly awkward, kind of funny, but all around great to be doing it. The Princess put her head over mine, carressing my fur and mane with a hoof.
"So...more than friends?" I asked quietly?
"More than friends." she breathed warmly, before planting a kiss on the top of my head. We remained quiet for a few minutes afterwards, occasionally shifting against each other or kissing the other's neck. That, is, until there was a knocking at the door.
"Be a lamb and get that, would you, honey?" Luna whispered. I sighed, kissed her on the nose, and got out of the enchanting warmth of the bed. On the way, I checked my mane. Frizzled, but still in it's loose curl as usual. I smiled, and carried on to the door. I swear this hair has an endless supply of fucking Vo5 gel. I thought. I reached the door, tugged the crystal door handle, and the door opened.
"Luna," Celestia said from the other side of the door, "It's time to wake...what the-THUNDER?! How did you get in there?"
"Take a wild guess." I said calmly. Celestia kept her shocked expression, before that morphed into a grin.
"So, made up with her, then? Friends now?" she asked.
"More than friends." I corrected. Celestia's grin widened.
"Well, that's good timing, then, because today is the day of the Grand Galloping Gala. This will be the day you and your friends are shown for what you are. Lucky stallions, with luckier mares."
"Except you and Ebony." I noted. Celestia frowned. "You know, tonight is the night you two are doing your massage thing. Maybe the same thing that happened with Luna and myself will happen with Ebony and yourself."
"We can discuss this at breakfast, you know. Spend some time enjoying each others warmth, then get dressed, or at least presentable for breakfast." With that, Celestia trotted away down the corridor, and I heard her singing. "Luna and Thunder, sitting in a tree..." I rolled my eyes at her mockery, and closed the door.
"Celestia?" Luna asked from the bed. I got back into the bed with the goddess.
"Yep, it was." I replied, wrapping my forelegs around her. "She seemed surprised that we're together."
"Well, she's not the only one." she whispered, before putting a hoof under my chin and turning my face to look at her. I looked into her eyes. A sparkle was there. We gazed into each other's eyes, until she finally spoke. "Wanna make out?"

"Hell yeah, I do!"

After that rather...invigorating session of passionately kissing, we got dressed and headed to breakfast. Luna donned her regalia, I simply straightened myself up, had a shower, and sorted my mane. As we went down the corridor to the dining hall, maids began to whisper to each other excitedly, guards looked at each other, and as I went past him, Captain Aerlion Drift gave a grin, and nodded at me, which I returned. The castle became a bustle of activity with us simply ~~walking into Mordor~~ going down a few hallways.
"This is a beautiful day." I said finally. "But not as beautiful as you, Luna."
The Princess smiled, planted a kiss on my snout, and cause several male guards to shout 'HE SHOOTS AND HE FRIGGIN' SCORES!' from the end of the corridor.

At the Gala, gonna make innuendo, at the Grand Galloping Galaaaaaaa!~~

The carriages began to roll up at around 7:00. The sun had already set, and snobby pricks were trotting down the path to the building with their heads held high. I stood beside Luna on the balcony above the gates, and could see the entirety of Canterlot and the far off nightlife of Ponyville. I looked to the Princess, then back down the path, then back at the Princess.
"You sure this is the time to be revealing me to the Nobles of Canterlot?" I asked. Luna sighed, and looked down at me with a look of apologeticness.
"Apologies come from the bottom of my heart for having to put you in the field of fire belonging to the Upper Crust of Canterlot," she said firmly, putting a hoof on my shoulder, "but any major relationship by the Princesses has, and always has been by tradition, revealed at the Grand Galloping Gala."
"Aw, dammit." I groaned. "What are you willing to bet that some bad things happen tonight?"
"Hmm..." Luna tapped a hoof to her chin, smiling. "What about, say, the loser has to do 5 laps of the castle by hoof?"
"Wow, harsh, but you're on." I grinned. We shook hooves, sealing the deal, and continued to watch the road to the pathway. Just then, as the show implied, I caught sight of the girls' carriage, being pulled along by my friends. Chuckling, I nudged the Princess and pointed it out. "Poor sods." I laughed.
"And they have to appear presentable." Luna giggled. "Look, I think Solar's about to pass out." She was right; the red unicorn looked as though he were about to collapse from stress. The others, meanwhile, were perfectly fine: they were just staring at Solar confusedly. Finally, after practically dying of laughter at Solar's expense, the carriage halted, before Spike leapt off, and opened the door. As the girls departed, they planted a kiss on their coltfriends. This left Ebony pulling an 'OK fuck you assholes for rubbing this shit in my face' look. As the carriage began to depart towards the carriage parking, I turned to the Princess.
"Wanna go greet the girls, I'll go greet mah bros?" I asked.
"Sounds like a motherfuckin' plan, rubber band." Luna smiled. With that, we each headed our separate ways. As I was now sleeping with/dating Princess Luna, I was given a tour around the palace from her, and so knew the route very well. From the balcony, it was down the corridors, down some stairs, left turn, right turn, down the corridor, up some stairs, onto another balcony, then turn around, go left...no wait...what? Shit, am I already lost? To avoid getting lost further, I went onto the balcony, flew up, and followed the path the carriages below were taking.
I followed the route, and ended up in a field. All of the carriages had ended up there, presumably to keep them out of the way. I looked around for my targets, saw them walking below, and swooped down to meet them. I hovered beside the group, then dropped beside them as they walked.
"Guess who's sleeping with Luna?" I asked rhetorically.
"Really. I didn't know she went for psychopaths that threaten to murder an entire town." Ebony growled, not even looking at me.
"Well, considering how I stopped a fucking plot to release Discord by some cult, shut up." I shot back. "And who's the one who even got you guys invited to this in the first place? Me. You guys rubbed it in my face that you had mares, I'm taking a shit and sellotaping it up your nose that I'm sleeping with a goddess."
"Calm down, Thunder, alright?" Solar groaned. "We're happy for you, just quit being an ass about it."
"Fine. Oh yeah, Ebony, Celestia says she's really looking forward to the massage that she wants you to give her."
"Massage? Oh yeah, that. Maybe this'll help me score with her."
"Worked with me and Luna. I gave her a massage, she received a wing boner, and then turned around and kissed me like a lusting mare in heat. So just remember; try not to yell too loud."
"Hahaha-shut up." By then, we had joined the queue at the foot of the stairs. At the top, towering over everypony and with Twilight by her side, stood Celestia. I knew what to do. "Right, tell us the etiquette here." Ebony said.
"Ok, just walk up, shake her hoof, reply to her greeting, and then trot away. That simple. I don't have to do this shit, seeing as how I'm dating the Princess, but I can give you a one-time demo if need be."
"Alright, do it." Inferno replied. The small Pegasus had elected to wear a monocle, top hat, and somehow managed to put another top hat on top. Kind of weird, but still: 'Etiquette Destroying Pillar of Hats'. Ebony, simply, wore a suit, fedora, and black tie, along with a pair of his reading glasses. Solar didn't bother with any clothing, he simply went to the machine shop, and asked if they could belt sand his horn. They obliged, and now his horn was like a dagger. Anyway, Fire was just wearing his spiked boots and chestpiece from the Terry incident, all polished up to a shine, which also revealed some indestructible blood stains that were originally concealed by rust. He ignored that, and stated it was 'the forefathers' blood' or some shit. Sky did the least possible: he wore contact lenses that had his cutie mark faintly emblazoned onto his pupils. Finally, I had gone for the 'Desert Thunder' look, and wore my hat, as well as my coat, and had a cigar in my top pocket, courtesy of Ebony bringing them.
Soon, though, it was our turn to greet Celestia. I told the others I'd go first, and thus I did. I casually trotted up the stairs, and walked in front of the Princess.
"Celestia." I greeted.
"Thunder." She replied, shaking my hoof. "Try not to break anything tonight."
"No promises." I gave a curt bow, before moving on up the stairs. I turned the corner into the main hall. It had the large statues dotted around, the cake, stuck-up pricks EVERYWHERE, and the band playing in the corner. Promptly, I looked around for Luna, and I have to say that despite being taller than everypony in the room, she was bloody difficult to find. Eventually, however, I found her near the bandstand, speaking with a large group of nobles. I trotted up beside her, and gave her a nudge.
"Hey." I quite casually greeted.
"Oh, for those of you who don't know," The Princess said quite cheerfully, grabbing me and putting me in the centre of the group, "This is my coltfriend! Thunder Mustang! Pick away at him, and I shall see you all later this evening." Then, to my horror, the Princess walked away, leaving me in the middle of a group of rather ravenous looking nobles.
Sorry...I'll make it up to you, I promise.
You'd better. Will you make it up to me in a sexual manner?
Damn right I will. Promise.
I didn't have time to be able to reply, because the rich ponies had begun to surround and circle me.
"So..." one stallion began, narrowing his eyes. "How many millions of bits does your family have?"
"I dunno, I have a Griffonian Cigar in my pocket, and that cost 30 bits. So, not rich at all." I replied.
"Did your mother buy you that hat to protect you from the sun?" another noble scoffed.
"No, I bought it when I was out in the desert. The next two days were spent observing Buffalo attack plans on Appaloosa and defending the town by killing Buffalo. Later in those days, when the sun was beating on my neck, I was thankful to have bought this hat. So no, if my mother bought me this hat to protect me from the sun and she knew I would be going to the desert, she would have been a damned psychic."
"Well, what of this jacket?" a mare asked, baring teeth.
"I dunno, found it in a...charity shop?" I replied.
"Hmm...what do you keep under that hat? Money? Diamonds?"
"A bloody chimpanzee named Balls McScratchy, who has a part-time job as a suicide bomber..." I sarcastically muttered.

"Pfft! He doesn't have a bag of diamonds in his hat!" the mare laughed, prompting the others to join in. I was unfazed. After a few minutes of laughing, they waved me off. I muttered something unintelligible, tipped my hat, and ~~out jumped Balls McScratchy, who promptly exploded~~ calmly trotted off to find Luna.

The next day, I removed my jacket, hat, and cigar, and stood outside the door to Luna's chambers. The night previously, she did make it up to me sexually as promised, but since everything bad happened at the Gala, I had to do 5 laps of the palace, as promised to her. Luna was simply leaning against the doorway, levitating a stopwatch as I did stretches and warm-ups.
"You ready?" she asked.
"Yep." I grunted, preparing to run.
"Alright, 3, 2, 1, go."

Of course I couldn't stop it from happening...bollocks, and bollocks again.

After a good two hours, I reached lap 4 of the castle run. Of course, every time I ran past Luna's room, she'd chuck a bottle of water at me, throw encouragement in the form of innuendos, etc. Anyway, as I reached the gates, I saw a familiar group of school-children. As it was on the route anyway, I followed them into the statue gardens, and caught up with them.
"Cheerilee!" I called. The purple mare turned her head at my voice, before catching sight of me and smiling.
"Thunder!" she replied, waving. "What are you doing here?"
"Lost a bet with my marefriend," I replied, jogging on the spot beside her, "Have to do five laps of the entire castle. Four down, one to go, at least."
"And who's the lucky mare?" Cheerilee asked, guiding the children towards the statue garden.
"None other than Princess Luna." I blew some mane out of my eyes. "Let's just say she can't handle massages." I chuckled.
"Well, congratulations." Cheerilee beamed, before turning to the children. "Now this place, children, is the Royal Statue Gardens. It's where all of Equestria's villains go when the Elements of Harmony defeat them and turn them to stone. Some statues here are thousands of years old!" The foals all gasped at this. A thousand years? Christ, that's got four bloody digits!
"How cool would it be to have that for a cutie mark?" I heard Scootaloo ask excitedly. Still jogging, I ran past Discord for the fourth time that day, leaving the foals and Cheerilee to go about their buisness. This time, however, I felt compelled to stop.

"Now..." I murmured to myself, changing my facial expression to a serious one. "Let's see how you plan to escape..." I began to circle the statue, checking for cracks, dents, chips, anything that might help him. However, he was still as he was: singing and/or yelling at a piece of paper. I shrugged. "Whatever. My fault for not watching the Discord episode enough times." Waving Cheerilee goodbye, I continued my run.

Half an hour later, I had finished lap 5, just as my energy reserves depleted. I knocked on the Princess' door, and when her smiling face appeared I collapsed onto the floor. After a moment of smelling the carpet's jasmine fragrance, I felt myself being lifted up, and placed onto the cool bed.
"Tired?" Luna asked, smiling as she clambered onto the bed beside me.
"Mmhmm..." I muttered, "What were you planning if I wasn't...?"
"Nothing, actually." she giggled, wrapping both forelegs around me. "I was thinking we could just lie here and hug each other until one of us makes a move on the other?"
"Can't say no to that." Smiling, I wrapped my own forelegs around the Princess, gently caressing her fur. My hoof, however, passed through her mane as though it were but steam. Thus, we simply lay there, occasionally nuzzling, a major tone-down from our usual 'escapades'. Finally, I decided to speak.
"So..." I began, before being cut off by light snoring. I looked down at Luna: she now had her eyes closed, mouth slightly open, and head on my neck. I sighed. Might as well join her. I thought. With nothing else to do, I wrapped the covers over the both of us, before wrapping the Princess in my small wings. They barely even reached her shoulder blades. I thought that would be enough, until the Princess' wings encompassed me, overlapped, and even came back down to her own wing base. I felt rather embarassed to have such small wings in the face of her...duvet sheets. I felt a sudden force tug my head beneath the covers, and into the cocoon, to come snout to snout with the Princess. She had a mischievous grin plastered on her face, and a half lidded look in her teal eyes that pretty much said 'Time to make love'.
"I win." she purred, before kissing me on the snout.
"As usual, Luna." I replied, returning the kiss. "As usual." That one kiss dragged on, against my will, and became snogging when the Princess placed her tongue into my mouth. I returned fire; both of us struggled for dominance in our mouths, exploring every inch of available space. Finally, she pulled out, and taking it as a signal so did I. Both of us were equally out of breath. A single strand of saliva bonded our lips together, even as they were apart. I stared at this for a second, then back at the Princess.
"Equal?" I panted.
"Yeah," she gasped, "Equal."
Silence.
"Hmm...what is there to talk about...?" I asked quietly, pulling a hoof from behind the Princess and tapping my chin.
"Discord?" Luna looked optimistic that I'd say yes, and I did.
"Alright. What do you want to discuss about him?"
"His escape plans. Think they'll work?"
"Probably: he is a God of Chaos. However, we could just camp by his statue with the Elements. When he comes back, turn him to stone. It's an old technique used on Earth by gamers. When someone comes back after they die, shoot them the second they come back and kill them again. It annoyed people, it was unfair, but damn effective."
"Not a bad plan. I doubt the Elements can get up here in time though. And anyway, camping in the gardens means no sex."
"Ah, there's a point. Speaking of sex, how do you think your sister's massage went last night?"
"That's a question." Luna smiled. "Before we leave to check on Discord, we need to see how those two are doing. I bet you they pulled a 69."
"Nah, I'm gonna go with anal."
"I bet you they did 69."
"What are the stakes this time?" I chuckled.
"The loser...hmm...what embarrassing things are there?"
"Errm...has to...fucking hell, um...I dunno?"
"...ahh, we'll figure that out late-no wait! I have it!"
"Really?"
"Yes. Right: if you win, you get to dominate me tonight. I win: you get to be my guinea pig for some spells that I've been practising."
"Sounds good. What kind of spells?"
"Advanced level; gender change, transformation spells, and, if I can nail it, wound regeneration."
"Wow...that actually sounds kinda cool, especially that last part. Why're the outcomes tipped in my favour?"
"I thought you needed to even the odds for the whole 'tiring you out with 5 laps of the castle' thing. Seem fair?"
"Yeah, alright, it's a deal. Shake on it?" I asked. Luna thought for a moment, before smiling.
"Nah." she laughed. "Snog on it."

"Hell yeeeaaaaaahhhh!" I replied, and for the second time in ten minutes we began to make out.

Trotting beside each other, Luna and I made our way to Celestia's quarters. The red carpets sharply contrasted the gleaming marble of the walls and floor, as golden armoured guards casually stood about. Quite a few gave salutes, and nearly all of them made some gesture to me that said 'You really scored this time'. However, the two guards posted outside Celestia's quarters seemed less relaxed. If anything, they were glaring at me as though I'd just insulted their families. Ignoring it, Luna knocked on Celestia's door repeatedly. Finally, after around the fourth or fifth time, Luna sighed and we began to trot away.
"Hmmm..." she mused. "Maybe she's hungover."
"Or they're hiding." I implied.
"Whatever. The bet will have to be put off." Luna groaned. "Shame. I was looking forward to seeing what you'd look like as a mare, never mind sounding like one."
"Pfft. I was looking forward to the wound regeneration thing. What does that spell do when executed properly?" I asked.
"Well, it was written by Starswirl the Bearded, as a way to keep soldiers alive during tough battles. However, him being one of the strongest spellcasters to have ever lived, only he could perform its full effect."
"Which was?"
"Reanimating the dead, repairing their minds and bodies, and sending them on the battlefield again."
"So...necromancy, then?"
"Basically. One or two didn't work, with mind and body repairing, so deeper down in the dungeons there's zombie guards that we can't get rid of and are just waiting for them to disintegrate."
"Hey, if they're still alive, there's always hammers to fall back on. Or guns."
"Oh, OH!" Luna suddenly grabbed my leg. "I've been meaning to show you this! Come on, it's down in the armoury, and I think it might be something you'd recognise! Come come, let's not waste time!" With that, I galloped after the Princess to the armoury, as she had implied.

...and you found this in a forest? Woooow.

I couldn't believe my eyes. Luna had kept this hidden from my friends and I for this long? And how the hell did an RPG end up in Equestria? No wait, scratch that, how did these RPGs end up in Equestria?! There's a bloody crate full of the things, as well as a good 20 rockets! We could have used these so many fucking times it's unreal! Ponies in lab coats were examining the launchers, putting them down on tables, finding out about them, disassembling them, and reassembling them, before placing them back in the crate. Luna seemed unfazed by my eye-twitching, and was interrogating me.
"So," she began, "recognise these things?"
"Bloody hell..." I murmured. "...I-I bloody do."
"And?" Luna asked, cocking her head and raising a brow.
"RPG launchers. Rocket Propelled Grenade launchers. Weapon of choice for Ragheads out in Afghanistan, Iraq, and other countries where it's all gone to shit."
"Well, we've kept these locked up for 3 months, now. Just waiting for one of you boys to come up and explain what they were. And...um...here you are. Explain, please?"
"Fine." I facehoofed, before going over to the box and pulling out one of the rockets. Scientists stopped what they were doing to listen to the explanation of somepony who knew about them. "What you're looking at is a good twenty of these: missiles. Fuel is ignited in the launcher, those larger objects, and the missile flies off the end. The fuel propels it forward, and when it impacts a solid object, it blows that solid object to bits in a fiery explosion. Hmm...would it be possible for me to give a demonstration?"
"Would it?" Luna asked a scientist, who nodded. "It would."
"Well, that's the thing: where would I fire this thing, and at what?"
"We could set up some crates out on the archery range." one scientist replied, sticking a hoof up. He seemed quite young. "Close it all off for a few minutes to fire some rockets and blow shit up."

"I like you already." I stated matter-of-factly, pointing the rocket at him. "I'll buy you a beer later, because you're awesome. Anyway, would that be possible to do?" I asked Luna. She consulted a nearby guard, who nodded, and Luna nodded. "Right. Bring about five rockets, and a launcher, and bring some empty crates to the range. If possible, put Blueblood in one of the crates."

Ten minutes passed, and the archery range had been commandeered. However, that didn't stop guards from coming down from all over the castle to watch some pretty explosions. Scientists had dragged a full camera set to the range, moved a couple of crates down at different ranges, and set up a sand bank at the end. More accurately, reinforced the sand bank to protect against High-Explosive bombs. I stepped up to the range, launcher in hoof as I stood on two legs. Kneeling down, I picked up a rocket.
"Right..." I mumbled. "How do you bloody load this thing...?"
Seeing no other option, I pushed the shell into the end of the barrel. A loud click signalled it had locked in, and I surprised myself. Thank you, games where I had to reload RPGs a lot because I'm crap at aiming with them... So, I shouldered it, silence fell, and a scientist spoke to the camera.
"Demonstration 1 of Rocket Propelled Grenade launcher: 20 metres, fire when ready." I grinned at his comment. 20m, the explosive range of RPGs in Afghanistan, so I read from Wikipedia, is 15m. This should be fun. Smiling, I put my right eye up to the hole you aim through, and tapped the tiny trigger. A loud whoosh scared the shit out of me, and the rocket on the end shot forward, before smashing into the box. Then, to my horror, continued through the fragile wood, straight through every box, before smashing into the sand bank. A loud boom shook the ground, and heat washed over everypony gathered. The fire bloomed, spraying sand everywhere as it did so. Moments of shocked silence and coughing followed as the smoke finally reached us. Finally, I turned.
"And that, children, is how to blow up wankas." I said in my best Sniper accent. The camerapony simply rolled his eyes, and spoke again.
"Weapon has penetration capabilities against fragile surfaces, and, scientifically, it's fucking awesome." The guards had started cheering. I promptly placed the weapon on the floor, stood on four hooves again, and trotted over to Princess Luna. She had taken up a position behind a wall with a slit in it, almost like a bunker, along with a group of scientists taking notes on clipboards.
"Well, now we know that we're reverse engineering those, because they're awesome." Luna smiled, giving me a quick hug. "Thanks for the demonstration, darling. Now, let's talk about the nuclear bomb in the armoury..."
"WHAT?!?!" I yelled, my heart freezing.
"I'm kidding, I'm kidding." she giggled. "You're so cute when you look like you're about to have a heart attack."
"Oh, nice to know." I groaned, rolling my eyes. I suddenly noticed the Princess' mane and fur; black patches of smoke stains blotted out the deep blue it usually was, and her white crescent seemed slightly greyer and even black in places. "I think you'll need a shower." I said politely.
"Says you." she shot back. "I swear you were blue before this. Here." Suddenly, Luna had conjured a mirror and shown me what I looked like. I was black.

"Yeah, I need a shower." I chuckled. "We should head back to your room, get cleaned up, yeah?" She nodded, and we set off back to the bedroom.

The shower was easily large enough to accommodate the two of us, and the head spanned nearly the entirety of the 3X3 cubicle. The soot, however, took a lot of effort to remove, as well as a lot of scrubbing. I watched my marefriend as she levitated a brush across her wet fur, while I couldn't reach between my wingbases. After struggling for a while, I heard the Princess giggling.
"Need help?" she asked innocently.
"Please." I replied. However, I didn't consider the fact that wingbases of a pegasi are the most sensitive parts, and that I had just asked Princess Trolluna to scrub between them. I was about to turn around and say 'you know what, just do-'-ooooh...wow...that's damn good...nngg...
"Your mistaaaake!~~" she sang in my ear, still scrubbing between the bases of my wings. I couldn't tell what facial expression she had on, most likely some kind of shit-eating grin, but at that moment I didn't care. I didn't care about anything right then: I was getting a massaaaaaage, from Lunaaaaaa...and it felt damn gooood...so, so good...oh, wo-
Poomph.
"Teehee." Luna giggled. She stopped brushing, and I had a moment to catch my breath. "You have a wing boner? Oh, no. However, we all know what the cure for that is..." Grinning slyly, she turned the shower off, dried me off using a short burst of heat magic, and levitated me onto the bed. She stood over me, smiling seductively, and restraining my movement with her hooves. I, of course, had no say in this, and thus it was rape.

But I enjoyed it, so it's K.

2 hours later, we were both woken up by a commotion outside. We looked into each others eyes, nodded, and got up quickly, making ourselves at least presentable. Once we were both ready, we opened the door, to see guards running back and forth. The Princess stopped one.
"Guard!" she ordered. "What's all this commotion?"
"Discord's escaped, ma'am!" the guard replied quickly. "Everypony's going to action stations in case he tries to get hold of you or you sister!" Then, the guard galloped off down the hall. Luna and I shrugged.
"I'll go get a shotgun." I sighed, before trotting down the hall towards the armoury.
"I might help too, you know." Luna suddenly said. I turned. She had trotted up beside me, and we were both headed to the armoury. "May as well have the human teach me something about guns, hmm?"
"Now I'm picturing you in an insanely sexy combat outfit with two pistols."
"You should be, I'm your mistress, after all."
"Yeah? Well I'm the freaking dominator."

To adventure! And a crusade against a god-like being who has an army of followers that can probably kill us! HUZZAH!

The Elements of Harmony hadn't arrived yet, and Celestia had ordered her Guards to investigate the maze. That meant I would probably be stood on a balcony with my hat and coat, staring down the scope of a rifle and saying Sniper lines. However, I also had a Spy/Discord-checker in the form of my marefriend, so it would be more fun. Luna was wearing some rather strong looking combat armour, that I assume she designed to distract me from work. The mid piece acted like a corset, really bringing out her flanks. I mentally summoned Terramorphus to beat the shit out of me every time I caught myself staring, and that meant my mental self was almost dead after being attacked by 79 Terrys. The small radio on a nearby box had a direct link to the commander of the squad due to enter the maze, and that meant I could point out anything I needed to.
"Ghost Squad, move up. We're going in." the radio hissed.
"Hmmph." I rolled my eyes at the reference. However, I had decided to do the job, and thus I leaned into the rifle scope. It looked slightly reminiscent of an AWP, except unlikely to be that overpowered. A thin black cross through the circular image through the scope seemed quite natural: at a younger age I would fire Air Rifles, and live ammunition when I went to the British Army Cadet Force. Still, though, a part of me was wondering where the charge meter was. "Luna," I called behind, "You ready in case a Sp-errrm, Discord tries sneaking up on us?"
"Yep." she replied, and I heard the sound of a shotgun being loaded and cocked.
"Good. And remember; I'm busy, so no distracting me with any of your strangely arousing backrubs."
"No promises...~~" Luna sang. Suddenly, there was a clinking of glass. "Thunder, what're these jars for?"
"Two purposes; when I need to piss, and then I throw them at opponents."
"What? Why would you be that disgusting?"
"It haunts them for life; they might kill me, but they also killed the stallion who tossed a jar of urine at them with no remorse."
"Riiiiight...?"
"Thunder, you seeing anything up ahead?" the commander below asked. I checked the scope. The group of 7-8 stallions was cautiously making its way through the maze, weapons raised. Ahead of them, there was an alley where it opened up slightly; ideal place for an ambush. I pressed the transmit button on the device.
"Be advised, larger area ahead, possible staging point for an ambush, proceed with caution, over."
"Acknowledged. Ghosts, prepare for possible ambush."
Below, I could see the group begin readying their guns, adjusting helmets, and removing safety catches. It was surprising how such technology had been developed from one tiny Vietnam-era pistol. Hell, most of the stuff used by the Equestrians hadn't even been invented in the Vietnam-era. A sudden fleeting movement caught my eye on the other side of the maze. Quickly, I adjusted the zoom and looked. 9 stallions wearing the same Discord masks were creeping into the maze, each armed with rather menacing looking shotguns. They seemed to be hunting for the guards in the maze.
"Commander," I said down the radio, "9 stallions are entering through the opposite end of the maze, armed with shotguns. Do I shoot them through their Discord facemasks?"
"Hmm...keep your scope trained on them. They make a move, nail them."
"Got it." I quickly replied. I did just that; swinging the rifle crosshairs onto the lead stallion's head. A sudden tap on my shoulder startled me slightly, but I kept aim on the stallion's head, and responded to the tap. "Yes, Luna?"
"Well, it's just..." I heard Luna begin to hoof at the floor, her boots making a clink as they impacted it. "...I'm uncomfortable watching you having to kill stallions. I may have been used to it when it was acceptable to kill enemies on sight, but...etiquette has changed upon meeting enemies. Now, we capture them, with killing as the last resort." I sighed.
"Ok. Listen, it's no problem if you don't like me killing. I sort of hate it, too. But I'll have to do this. A God of Chaos has returned, backed up by some ancient cult that's threatening to bring about the second coming of Chaos. If I don't kill these guys, they'll kill those guards in the maze. So, I'm truly sorry. If need be, you can leave me to it. If you think you can handle it, I need somepony to watch my back. And, if you help me now, I'm all yours tonight. Deal?"
Luna sighed loudly. "...deal." I reached back with my left forehoof, and (hopefully) patted her on the shoulder. It felt more like the inside of a thigh, to be honest. But the stallions below in the maze were rapidly approaching the squad. The lead cultist galloped to a nearby hedge where it opened up from a bottleneck, and raised a hoof to begin ordering the other eight stallions around. They all took up firing positions around the bottleneck, one even opting to sit in a tree. I pressed transmit on the radio.
"Weapons ready, the bottleneck you're about to enter is an ambush." I said quickly. The commander turned around, waved his hoof frantically, and the other guardsmen nodded. "Should I kill them all, or leave one to interrogate?"
"Leave one if possible. Try to wound him, to lessen the risk of his escape. But, permission granted to eliminate the rest. Ghost Leader, out."
"Ok, mate." I chuckled. I moved the rifle to aim at the nearest head, and-
"BOO!"
Discord suddenly leapt up in front of the scope. Panicked, I pulled the trigger, an echoing boom as the high calibre round didn't even hit the bastard. Instead, the Dragonecues or however the fuck you spell it just laughed. My rifle promptly turned into strawberries for no fucking reason.
"LUNA!" I yelled back. "JARATE HIM!"
"The jars are empty!" she shouted back.
"THROW THOSE THEN!" A whooshing sound followed the tinkling of glass as...a solid, icy block of chocolate milk smacked Discord in the face. He shrugged it off, bit into the ice (shudder), and swallowed it LIEK A BAWSS.
"What the hell?" Luna asked. I stood up, standing beside my marefriend.
"Hell if I know." I shrugged. There was a sudden flash, and everything went completely white. When that faded, I blinked away the burning to find myself...in Ponyville? I could see everything was normal, I could even see ponies going about daily buisness. One or two even waved, which I returned. I turned to Luna, who still seemed to be attempting to blink her vision back. "Luna, why are we in Ponyville?" I asked.
"Erm, are we?" she replied, rubbing her eyes, "I'm still kind of blind."
"Yes, we are. I think Discord had something to do with this...?" I trailed off. Luna was looking at me, with her own 'you don't say?' face. I blushed slightly as I realized my stupidity, and remembered. "We need to get straight back to Canterlot." I said suddenly. Luna blinked, then nodded quickly. However, just as we went to begin flying there, the whole city just UP AND FUCKING TURNED UPSIDE DOWN. I facehoofed. "This is just bullshit." I muttered.
"Agreed: 100% bullshit." Luna groaned. "Hey, at least we can sleep at yours for the time being. You know, when shit stops hitting the metaphorical fan?"
"Still smart as ever," I laughed, hugging Luna, "And that's why you're the best marefriend a stallion could ask for." Promptly, we turned away from the massive floating upside-down city, and began to walk into ~~Mordor~~ Ponyville.

Just casually walk in on a high-stakes poker game, no big deal.

A good ten minutes of the journey back to the house were spent stopping to tell ponies to stop bowing to the Princess; it was a casual visit, none of this royal fanfare buisness. And by the time we had reached the house, we both a had a strange urge to go upstairs, dim the lights, lock the door, get into bed together, and just snooze. It was a tiring day; I'd run around the castle 5 times, had casual sex, demonstrated an RPG, had more sex, attempted to shoot a Chaos God in the head, ended up being teleported miles away from the city, before walking through a busy town where we had to stop every 10 seconds. So, it was a major surprise when the front door was locked, the lights were out, and there was muffled talking heard inside. The red house seemed eerily quiet.
"I'm slightly worried about what's going on in there." I said to Luna. "Pinkie had better not be throwing another damn party or some shit."
"Mmm, yeah." she replied, before finally removing her helmet and letting her steam-like mane flow freely in the breeze. "Aren't the girls headed to Canterlot, though?"
"Yeah, they are, I think." I scoffed. "Gonna be a hell of a surprise when they find the city overrun with...I dunno, jars of piss. Plus, that eliminates the option of the other guys getting laid. Probably safe to head inside." Luna nodded, before somehow levitating my front door key from her magical-invisible pockets, and sticking it in the door lock. The door clicked loudly, finally creaking open and shedding light on the room inside. I was shocked to see...
...my friends playing poker, each betting things like there's no tomorrow. I also happened to notice Fire Trail wearing my skull hat. I groaned.
"Guys, what the hell are you doing...?" I sighed, facehoofing as I led Luna inside and shut the door, before locking it shut.
"Well, it's Poker...afternoon." Inferno replied. "And this has a relatively Inventory-like feel."
"Good," I chuckled, sitting down. "I always fancied myself a bit of a Tycho."
"Nah, you're just a Psycho." Ebony grinned. "I'll fold." Suddenly, a chair appeared next to me, and the Princess sat down.
"Room for one more?" she asked, before producing a pile of poker chips from pretty much out of her ass.
"Sure!" Solar replied cheerily. "I think we ought to start this hand again, because now we have more damn poker chips than we started with. Want me to deal?"
"Nah, I'll do it." Sky cut in. He had Ebony's dealer visor, most likely the result of Ebony betting it and losing the hand. "Stakes are at 10,000 Bits."
"Alright." Luna smirked. "I'll raise." She pushed a naked hoof across the table, pushing 400 Bits worth of chips like it was no big deal.
"I dunno, check." I groaned. I pushed a few chips forward, I-don't-care-how-many. I heard Ebony groan.
"DAMMIT!" he yelled, smacking a hoof on the table and almost breaking my left foreleg in the process. "I won't win shit with these. Fold."
"Meh, I'll check." Fire replied. "Anyway, what brings you two down here?"
"Well," I sighed, "Discord's come back from being stoned, and he teleported us down here. If you look out the window, you'll see why there's no fucking chance we'll be going back there any time soon."
"Damn, forgot that'd happen." Sky muttered. "Fold. I thought Discord'd come down here first?"
"Nope.avi" I replied. "He turned my AWP into fucking strawberries. I doubt we'll be fighting him anytime soon."
"Mmm...yeah." Inferno sighed, checking his cards. "Errm...bet."
"Ha, you gunning for me, little guy?" Luna chuckled, eyeing the small Pegasus with a grin. He remained stoic.
"Damn right I am, Lulu. That helmet'll look damn good on me..." Inferno laughed. I groaned, smiling at the same time.
"You know, I'm just gonna fold to see how this showdown turns out." I grinned.
Kick his ass.
Damn right I will. That watch he's betting is as good as mine.
Watch...? Hey, wait! That's my fucking watch! Where the hell did he get that?!
"I'll do the same." Fire tapped his hoof on the table twice. "Fold." So, it was a duel between the two of them. Both glared at each other for a moment, the low light giving it a more tense feel. Finally, Inferno tapped a hoof on the table.
"Just because I want this to be obscenely tense..." he paused. "...all in." I immediately put on my best 'WTF' face.
"DAAAAAYUM!" I yelled simultaneously with Solar. Immediately, I ~~took off my hat, released Balls McScratchy, and he killed everybody because it would be fucking funny to talk about in the afterlife~~ looked at Inferno.
"Don't. Don't fucking do it." I whispered.
"How bad could it be?" he replied.
"I can make you fold, you know, especially now you've gone all in." Luna put on her most evil grin. Suddenly, Inferno groaned sharply. He gripped the table, sweating slightly. It happened again, and he fell off his chair. Whilst he was writhing in what seemed to be pleasure, I groaned with frustration.
"You see, this is the sort of thing that happens that makes me want to pump poison gas into all public buildings and start the country from fucking scratch." I sighed. "For fear of my marefriend causing me to pass out from an overpowering orgasm, I'll leave the game. If you need me, I'll be repainting the Afterburner." I began to get up.
"Afterburner?" Ebony asked.
"The flamethrower." I replied. "Once that's done, I'll begin to repaint the rifle attached. I don't want Blueballs' arse picture ruining the fear my weapon supplies."
"Very well," Sky nodded. "The player's funds are to be evenly split between the remaining pla-"
"Yeah, yeah, whatever, we're too busy laughing at Inferno's expense. Shut up." Fire cut in, waving a dismissive hoof. With that, I headed upstairs to go and prepare the Afterburner for an inconsensual Discord-burning session.

Gathering da crew. Or something, I don't know.

"THUNDERLANE!" I yelled to the clouds. Ponies had gotten used to the Princess, and just sort of watched us standing in the town centre, fully armed and armoured, whilst calling for a certain charcoal-black Pegasus. Moments later, his head popped out from on top of a cloud.
"Wha-WHA?!" Thunderlane's face of wondering what I wanted him for turned to one of shock, as he fell from his cloud and smacked into the floor in front of us. Groaning, he rubbed his head, before turning to me. "YOU'RE DATING LUNA?!" he shouted.
"YES." I yelled back. "AND STOP SHOUTING."
"Oh, DAMN. Anyway, whatchoo want?"
"~~To rip out your eyes and piss on your brain~~ We're gonna go face Discord, we need your help to lead us down those tunnels."
"Alright, am I getting paid?"
"Nope."
"Damn...fine. I'll come with. Just lemme go tell Flitter where I'll be."
"You have a marefriend?" Fire cut in.
"Mm-hmm." Thunderlane grinned. "Goes as fast as I can, flying and in bed."
"I'll still be faster than you in the air. 250MPH, my record. Still not reached terminal velocity, according to Twilight Sparkle." I proclaimed proudly. "Anyway, you do that, we still have to gather a formidable force to face down a Chaos God. Meet us in Town Center."
"OK :D" Thunderlane replied. I reeled back.

"How did you...never mind. See you then." Thunderlane promptly took off, as Luna, Fire, Inferno, my clone, and I began to hunt for the other ponies who could be of help. I turned to my clone. "No seriously," I asked, "How the FUCK did he do that?" All I received was a shrug.

"Beeeeeerryyyyyyyy!" I called. "We need yooooooooou!"
"Wha...?"
A sudden movement at a nearby bar cubicle caught my eye. I turned, and saw Berry Punch lying half-dazed on the table. There were multiple wine glasses nearby, several smashed on the floor, and at least two bottles. I groaned.
"Berry, since you're a bit tipsy, would you mind coming with us on a journey we may never come back from?" I asked. Quite hopefully, I might add.
"Aye," she replied, staggering to her hooves. We all moved away to give her space. "Only I can go on adventurin', and I'm DRUNK. Ye don't have an excuse to be edventurin' in the Spr'ng."
"Right..." Luna muttered, before moving to my ear. "You sure she's the right mare for the job?" she whispered, "She looks more like the one who'll mess it up."
"If there's anypony who's taken more interest in human combat and weaponry, explosives included, it's Berry. She'll probably blow herself up, so it won't have to be open casket." I replied. The others were keeping the drunkard amused.
"Oh...OK? Why would she be interested in your species' weapons?"
"Ex-Coltfriends, defending her daughter, defending herself, wanting to join the military, I dunno. But since she's probably the only one who's got a supply of bombs hidden in her garden, she's one of the few who can help."
"Very well. She's aboard." Luna breathed into my ear, before nibbling it and moving away. I felt it flicker at her dainty teeth, and I chuckled.
"Well, you think you could help us with things that go boom?" I asked. Berry suddenly seemed to sober up right then and there.
"Of course!" she quickly replied. She reached up with a hoof to behind her head, pulled her small bow off, before placing it in the neck of a bottle. She shook it quickly, and before I could say anything she had slammed the Molotov Cocktail on the table. "You kiddies think you can do that?" she grinned. I felt a nudge on my leg.

"Nicely chosen." Inferno chuckled as we all went to find bottles of alcohol and rags. "Who's next?"

"Right," I began. Everypony had gathered into a line. "We've got the bomb-maker, the Pyromaniac, the Moon goddess, the full-speed distraction, the Pain Train, and the stealthy bastard. Who's missing?"
"Close range tank?" Inferno asked, raising a hoof. We all stopped, and spoke simultaneously.
"Big Macintosh."

Right then. I'm here to teach you all a new sport. I call it: Shit-Wading.

"Ugh, god, thank fuck this is just sewer water."
"Erm, it doesn't smell like it."
"Please, Luna: I need this."
"Where's Inferno?"
-bloob-
"Fuck, I can't believe you guys agreed to this."
"Neither can I."
"You shut up, you're just me but without the twisted sense of humour."
"-insert dead baby joke here-"
"Ugh, fuck. Wait, there's something brushing against my leg...this better not be a turd."
"Eeeeeenope."
"Then...what is it?"
"It seems to be...~~a severed penis~~ a goat leg."
"Thank god. Anyway, at this next sewage maintenance plant we should stop to get our bearings, resuscitate Inferno, and clean the shit from ourselves."
"Agreed. We could have flown this entire way, but somepony brought three earth ponies along, one of which is wearing behemoth-grade charger armour."
"Your fault for not shouting at me."
"I'd do more than that, you know..."
"Guyyyz, shut up...I'm kin'a droonk herrr..."
"And an alcoholic, might I add."

"Agreed. We stop at this emergency invasion shelter coming up on the left."

2 hours, and several showers later, we'd all decided to just rest here for the night. The shelter, being designed for 'all-out invasion', came with several bunk rooms, a large bathroom, and a living room, kitchens adjacent. Being the seductress that she was, Luna managed to encourage me to go to bed with her, rather than sit with the others in the living room and discuss important things. Unsurprisingly, the blankets were the thinnest ones I'd ever used, but since I was sharing a bed with a large goddess with wings that could encompass two, I knew we'd be fine. I moved in closer to the Princess as another gust of cold air came in through the ventilation shaft.
"Oh, god, you're warm." I whispered. "And soft."
"Just noticed that?" she asked quietly, tightening her wings slightly.
"No, it's just way more noticeable when we're in a sewer bunker designed to defend multiple families against wars that never happened. Plus, the darkness really brings out your eyes."
"I can't really say much, but I do know that your clone has a strange interest in my rump. Think some parts of your mind were put into the clone's more than others?"
"Yep, probably because they're perfect." To demonstrate my point, I moved my right forehoof down and rubbed her wonderful rear, rewarded by a quiet giggle and the embrace tightening.
"Nice." Luna whispered, nibbling my ear for the second time that day. Once again it flickered under her dainty teeth. I heard her chuckle to herself. "Enjoyed that? Let's do the other ear, then..." I secretly enjoyed every single instance of her nibbling my tiny radars. Occasionally, I found that I would shift subconciously, granting the Princess easier access to my opposite ear. Finally, she stopped and gave me time to breath.
"You're so small." she purred.
"You're bigger than me." I replied.

"I bet I can fit you entirely in my wingspan." she laughed. "Go on; curl up into a ball, I'll wrap both of my wings around you." I did as I was asked. Luna's wings loosened slightly, allowing me to bring my legs, wings, and head in so I was small as possible. Then, she tightened her deep blue blanket-like wings, and I could barely move. All I could feel without my hooves was Luna's...oh, YES. "You fell for iiiiiit.~~" she sang. "Now off you go."

"So." I panted. "What do you think your sister and Ebony are doing?"
"I dunno," Luna gasped, both of us breathing heavily and sweating as we lay beside each other. "Sex?"
"Please, don't...not after how tiring that was..." I groaned. "But anypony asks, it was friendly conversation that got heated. Ya?"

"Ya."

The next day, we were woken by the bellowing roar of Terry. I recognised it instantly, as well as Luna, Inferno, Fire, and Thunderlane. Berry was panicking, Big Mac couldn't give a toss.
"What was that?!" she squealed. "M-Monster?!"
"Nope." I grinned, before turning to the dark tunnels ahead. "MORNIN', TERRY!"
"Terry?" Luna laughed. "He's your pet now?"
"No, just an animal we all dislike so much we gave him a name." Inferno cut in. "And if it does get tough with Discord, we can just lure Terramorphous up there to bitch-tentacle-slap him."
"Sounds like a plan." Fire nodded.
"What?! Who's Terramorphous?!" Berry asked quickly.
"Massive worm thing, shoots shards of rock, fires lasers, burrows through the earth, you don't need to know. Anyway; shall we be off?"
"Eeyup." Big Mac smirked, trotting into the sewage below. "Y'all can't beat me at Shit-Wadin'."
"You're on, Big M." Inferno chuckled. The cocky Pegasus promptly disappeared under the murky waters, a stream of bubbles being the only way to know where he was.
"Heh. Eenope.

TELEFON MAZT! No, hold on, it's just a stupid tree. Never mind.

The sunlight burned. It burned like it never had before, a testament to-aaah, fuck it. Anyway, as we all squinted, I shielded my eyes from the sun and looked around. We had come out in a storm drain, much like the ones in some US cities, but smaller. Around the sides, there were countless drawings of penises and other things that only teenagers would draw. Above, there was a bridge that had some form of eerie silence upon it. I groaned, facehoofing as we all turned to Thunderlan, because he'd sent us a different way. Except Big Mac: he still had his stoic thousand-yard stare and seemed to be staring through every single wall in Equestria, as he still had his usual neutral expression.
"Where are we?" Inferno asked, shaking his fur and removing the last remnants of shit from it.
"Canterlot's Storm Drain." Thunderlane replied casually. "If we arrived right in the castle, Discord'd kick our flanks. So, arriving through the city centre works better."
"Yes, but why is nothing unusual? The city's the right way up again." Fire noted. He was right: the buildings weren't different, the floor wasn't consisting entirely of piss, and the mountain was the right way up.
"Huh." I murmured. "Think he's been defeated already?"
"Shit no." Berry cut in, kneeling down and handing...hoofing out some Molotov Cocktails. "One does not simply ~~walk into Mordor~~ defeat a god without the Elements of Harmony. And, from what I can remember, Twilight put those in a book, in the library, on the second shelf, under 'E'."
"Bloody hell, that's accurate." Inferno laughed. The improvised firebomb looked quite large in the pegasus' hoof. "But anyway, we're gonna need to meet up with the Elements, and with any luck Celestia, Sky, and Ebony."
"Good luck getting my sister and her lover." Luna rolled her eyes, groaning. "They'll be too busy having fun to listen. And for all we know, the Elements might already have bunked off from corruption, and that Rainbow Dash will be 'bunking' Sky Wheel. So when it turns out they're all corrupted, don't blame me."

"C'mon, I can't blame a face like that." I grinned, before spinning the cocktail in my hoof and placing it into my coat pockets. I seemed to be getting cockier: something that nopony picked up on. My cockiness firmly in place and telling the other parts of my mind to 'fuck off, I've got this shit', I gestured to a broken rail at the top of the storm drain. "Well? Wanna head upstairs and see what's going on?" Once the rest of the group nodded, we began to move upstairs, an assortment of clanking and clopping (no, shut up) echoing through silent city as booted and unbooted hooves began to march up the concrete slope.

"Oh."
"My."
"Fucking."
"God."
"Eeeewhat the fuck?"
Before us was the most shocking sight Discord could possibly have shown. Not even that time I played Slender with those glasses that put things in front of your eyes could have prepared me for this sight. Not even that time a Hunter killed Rochelle and Nick, before turning to me and Coach as he said "CHEEZBURGAH APOCAHLEEYPSE" and left me alone with no ammo was this shockingly abrupt. Not even SCP Containment Breach was this fucking scary. We saw...
Nothing different. As Luna, my clone, and I stood in shock, the others began to head to the castle, leaving us stood jaws agape.
"OH MY GOD SHIT IS GOING TO AND SLASH OR HAS HAPPENED." Other Thunder gasped.
"I KNOW THAT FEEL, BRO." I gasped in reply.
"I'M ABOUT TO PASS OUT FROM ASPHYXATION."
"YOU DO THAT."
-clump-
"Well then," Luna muttered, levitating him onto her back. "This is pathetic.Even more of a coward than you are, Thunder."
"Says the moon goddess who cowered on the moon for 1000 years." I scoffed. "And who's the one here with a severe psychiatric dysfunction so bad he resorts to burning, charring, and blistering enemies to death?"
"Yes, psychiatric dysfunction. You use that excuse every time."
"For good reason." My marefriend and I were butting heads now, glaring into each other's souls.
"Yeah? What might THAT BE?!"
"BECAUSE IT'S TRUE, AND I FIND YOU STRANGELY MORE ATTRACTIVE WHEN WE'RE ARGUING!"
"DAMN RIGHT YOU SHOULD. WHY ARE WE ARGUING ANYWAY?"
"I HAVE NO CLUE. WHY ARE WE SHOUTING?"
"BECAUSE ~~THE AUTHOR CAN'T BE BOTHERED TO TURN CAPS OFF~~ IT SOUNDS MORE LIKE A LOVERS QUARREL...I THINK?"
"YOUR TEETH SEEM A LOT WHITER NOW, YOU HAVE A SEDUCTIVE SMILE, AND PERFECT FLANKS!"
"I KNOW, YOU TOO." Suddenly, Luna coughed. "Yeah, let's stop shouting now."
"Too fucking right." I groaned. "We'd best catch up to the othe-"
"THUNDER!" somepony suddenly yelled. We both turned at the voice, and were surprised to see Twilight, the girls, and Sky headed towards us.
"GUYS!" I replied, trotting towards the approaching group. "Am I glad to see the demigod-squad!"
"OOH, we're demigods?" Pinkie squealed, bouncing up and down on the pavement. "Do I get super-cool powers? Where are my minions? Where? Can I throw a HUUUUUGE party?!"
"No." I grunted firmly. "Anyway, have you seen Discord? Anypony at all?"
"No, we haven't, you?" Twilight asked.
"Neither have we. Oh, well, good news for some, shit news for others: Discord created a clone of me that's willing to work with us!" The girls gasped.
"Aww, heck no." Applejack groaned, lowering the brow of her hat. "Y'all'd better be kiddin'. Yer kiddin', right?"
"NOPE." I replied, extending my neck. "He's there, on Luna's back. See?" I pointed to the unconcious replicant of me lying on the Princess' back. Twilight took one glance, and frowned.
"Damn." she sighed. "Now I have to put up with twice the madness."
"Bullshit." I corrected.
"Whatever." she muttered.
"I don't mind: it gives me thr-no, FOUR ponies to race!" Rainbow said excitedly. "My coltfriend, your clone, you, and Inferno!"
"Love how you put me after my clone." I chuckled.
"Well, he looks better than you, and I don't think he's as insane as you are."
"He's a pervert instead." Luna giggled. "First time I gave him a hug, he grabbed my ass. Right now, he's concious, and licking my flank."
"Ugh, nice to know." Fluttershy said, rolling her eyes. Luna just laughed in return, and finally began to frown.
"No. Not down there. Only the original can do that." she grunted, before throwing him off. He yelled in pain, before finally just settling to hold his side and mutter impossible-to-understand things.
"Yep..." Rarity smirked. "At least we know which is which: just look for the one staring at flanks, that's the clone. Look for the one doing something stupid, you've got the original."
"Speaking of stupid, where's Fire and Inferno?" I asked. A sudden stinging force later, and I found myself facing my right. Using my Sherlock Holmes powers of deduction, I figured out I had been slapped twice, but felt one. How do I know this? ~~Elementary, my dear Watson.~~

Hudda hudda, mudda-fudda.

"Alright, troops." I began. Everypony had gathered into militaristic ranks and were stood at attention. Each had a look of determination, except two; Pinkie wasn't giving a shit, and just looking about, whilst Big Mac just idly chewed a strand of hay. Luna had opted to stand beside me as I put on my best Soldier mode. I'd even gone so far as to put a saucepan on my head. "If fighting is sure to result in victory, then you must FIGHT!"
Blank stares were my reply.
"Sun Tzu said that: and I'd say he knows a little more about fighting than you do, pal, because he INVENTED IT." I glared into Fluttershy's eyes. She frowned, and huffed loudly.
"No he didn't." she groaned. "I did."
"Whatever." I muttered, before stepping back. "AN-Y-WAY! We are here to take down a god of CHAOS. We will be working as a goddamn team, and we WILL defeat him."
"Well, where are the Element necklaces?" Twilight asked. I turned and glared, saucepan handle swinging to point behind me. "We can't defeat him without th-"
"WE KILL HIM WITH FIRE." I yelled. Twilight moved her neck backwards, and began to nod with a worried expression on her face.
"...uh-huh." she muttered, before smacking my hat REALLY hard. "I'm taking charge now."
"You will no-OW." Another smack cut me off, and I immediately bowed, and buggered off to stand beside Luna. Groaning, I removed my 'helmet', and silently stood. Suddenly, there was a...rubbing sensation? I looked up, and saw that Luna was massaging my injured head with a small smile. Twilight was talking out a plan in the background, but neither of us were listening. The circular motions cut off the pain from the impacts quite fast, so it made her magic touch all the better. "Thanks, Lulu..." I sighed.
"No problem. You massage my back, I massage yours. Or, you lick my-"
"Yeah, I get it." I laughed, before a moment of silence reigned. "Did I ever tell you how strangely attractive you are?"
"Many times, usually during sex."
"Exactly, because it's true."
"...and Thunder will be the distraction." Twilight finished. "Both of them."
"What? Why me?" asked the clone. He looked quite sad, rather than angry.
"Because you're a pervert, and it'll be less confusing for the rest of us if one of you is disintegrated." Rarity cut in.

"Yep." I groaned. "Gang's back together..."

"DISCORD!" I yelled. After we'd all gone to our positions, my clone and I headed to the Throne Room of the castle, where Discord was sat atop a throne of squeaky toys. The chaos god looked around confusedly for a moment, before sighing and glaring at us.
"Aw, can't a Chaos god get ANY peace?" he groaned. "What?"
"GOTTAM." I shouted.
"POOTIS." shouted my clone.
"CHOCOLATE RAAAAAAIN." replied Discord, his voice going all opera singer-ish.
"POOTIS POOTIS POOTIS POOTIS POOTIS POOTIS POOTIS POOTIS POOTIS POOTIS POOTIS POOTIS POOTIS POOTIS..." yelled my clone. His face had gone blank.
"GOTTAMGOTTAMGOTTAMGOTTAMGOTTAMGOTTAMGOTTAMGOTTAMGOTTAM..." I started saying loudly. This distraction had to work, otherwise Twilight using her energy to teleport to Ponyville and gather the Element necklaces was worthless. It seemed to be working: Discord had begun trying to drown out the GOTTAM and POOTIS with CHOCOLATE RAIN, but we all know you can't stop the POOTIS.
How's that distraction coming along?
GOTTAMGOTTAMGOTTAM-good, actually. Where was I? Oh yeah: GOTTAMGOTTAMGOTTAMGOTTAMGOTTAM-
Well, the girls are preparing to blast him with the Elements, so keep it up. Do this right, I'll reward you...you know the drill.
GOTTAMGOTTAMGOTTAMGOTTAM-you bet I know the drill. So much GOTTAM in this place!
What's going on in the Throne room, Lulu?
CELESTIA, DISCORD HAS RETURNED. YOU'VE DONE JACK-SHIT THIS WHOLE TIME?!? GOTTAMGOTTAMGOTTAMGOTTAM-
It's impossible for me to stop him, now. The Elements are the only thing that can stop him, and I can't wield the Elements. So, just be thankful you have the girls with you. I'm thankful you brought that Ebony Chopper and me together: he has a nice flank.
I will drown you out with GOTTAM. GOTTAMGOTTAMGOTTAMGOTTAMGOTTAMGOTTAMGOTTAMGOTTAMGOTTAMGOTTAM-
"...GOTTAMGOTTAMGOTTAMGOTTAMGOTTAMGOTTAMGOTTAMGOTTAMGOTTAMGOTTAM-" I realised my throat was beginning to ache. My clone was doing better; POOTIS'ing like a pro.
"POOTIS." he finished. Discord, meanwhile, was on verse 573 of his song. He had a suit, bad hair, and a moustache. Finally, he stopped.
"Aaah, fun's over, POOTIS this." he muttered, before snapping his fingers. Suddenly, there appeared a ~~demon in the middle of the road~~ stop sign, directly above other Thunder's head. The sign landed on him, made the sound of a bomb, before hitting the floor and melting into what looked like dihorrea.
"That looks like shit." I muttered. "I guess shit..." Suddenly, I pulled out the demon skull from my strangely deep pockets, and put it on. "...just got real." Discord had his microphone out, as you do.
"YEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH-"

THA BATUL UF DA CENCHUREE. Or something.

"EVERYONE!" I yelled, running around in a circle, englufed in flames, and flailing my hooves around with a slight German accent. "I AM ON FIRE!"
"Woooo-wee," Inferno replied, Teaxas accent peeping into his voice. He wasn't even helping. Nobody was; it was just me, fighting a god, with a flamethrower, and I was on fire, it didn't really hurt but oh well, and nopony was helping. All they were doing was sitting by the sidelines, watching me getting humiliated. "Would ya look at that."
"You are such a BAD doctor! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA! -snort- AHAHAHAAA!" Fire was loosing it, French accent clearly detectable in his voice as he pointed and laughed.
"Da." Ebony added, also bearing a Russian accent. He's come downstairs with Celestia, who wasn't facing down Discord or anything. Instead, she was lying down on the floor with glasses, reading the paper. Occasionally she might look up, but there wasn't anything to see, so she'd roll her eyes and continue reading. "Medic is POOTIS." The grey unicorn then began doing the most exaggerated laugh ever. I could only hear these things, because the fire wasn't going out so I was desperately patting it out. It wasn't painful at all, god no, but it just felt...wrong to be on fire.
"Ooooh, your gun shoots medicine, I'm really scared." Sky groaned from the rafters. Every one of my male friends had opted to speak with the voice of a TF2 character.
"Mmph, mm-ph imph mm-hmmph." Solar yelled. Nobody was helping. Through all of this, Discord was just kicking my ass and laughing. He might destroy Equestria, maybe level a city, convert the rainclouds to milkshake? Oh no: just set the psychopath on fire. Just because that's important for Gods of Mayhem.
"Is nopony going to help him?" I heard Luna ask. The answers were pretty much the easiest thing to predict.
"Nope."
"Non."
"Njet."
"UUUUH, NO."
"Mm."
"Fine, I guess it's up to the goddess to help..." Luna muttered.
"HECK NO." Inferno yelled. I heard somepony being tackled to the ground, and then saw Luna lying with Inferno pinning her down. Celestia was chuckling, and rolling her eyes.
"Help!" I shouted, desperate for somepony to help.
"No way." Sky shouted back.
"Discord: PLEASE HELP!" I shouted again. I'd finally gotten to the brink of losing it, and was asking the very guy who'd set me on fire to put me out.
"Mmmm..." Discord tapped his chin thoughtfully, reclined sideways over the arm of his squeaky-toy throne. "...Maybe...what can you do in return? I don't work for free!" I already had an idea in mind.
"I can piss them off to no end for you. All you need to do is amplify my voice and give me endless breath. I've got an idea."
"Deal, then. Here. We. Go." Discord snapped his fingers, and it felt like my voicebox had doubled in size.
"Aaah, much better." I grinned, sounding quite evil. I heard 6 heads turning.
"Is doctor going to...?" Ebony asked.
"Oui." Fire sighed.
"Medic, don't y'all do it!" Inferno began yelling.
"Frickin' Medic's a-"
"MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEM." I yelled. It was so loud, a few windows shattered somewhere else in the castle, Sky and Rainbow fell from the rafters, I could see Luna and Celestia conjuring some earplugs for themselves, and everypony else was screaming. I couldn't hear their screams, I was MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEM'ing. Finally I stopped. The moment I stopped, Inferno collapsed.
"Y'all're kiddin' me with that..." he groaned. "Stupid goddarn MEEM..." Then he fully passed out.
"Bloody MEEM!" Berry shouted. "Ya bleedin' idiot! Ah'm droonk, ye don't have an excuse!"
"Surrender? Now help." I smirked, eye twitching slightly.
"Never! We won't help you if you'll do thing like that!" Twilight shot back angrily. She trotted right in front of me, her eyes reflecting the flames that hadn't gone out. "And what about Inferno? We're not helping until he's awake!"
"Wrong answer. MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEM." I shouted in her face. ~~Twilight's face melted due to meem~~ The lavender unicorn was thrown through the palace doors, down some stairs, and out of sight. Next, I turned to the others. "Anypony else want to disagree?"
"Njet. Medic is credit to team." Ebony quickly replied, cantering up beside me.
"Yeah, gotcha." Sky added, flying above us.
"But of course." Fire replied, slowly trotting up with boots clanking on the marble floor.
"Mm-hmm." Solar mumbled, the Afterburner levitated to his side. We were ready for action, prepared for any shit Discord could throw at u-
-snap-
"YOU'RE ALL ON FIRE!" Luna shouted.
"Didn't hurt." Sky replied casually.
"Da." Ebony replied.
"Ooh, I love it when you speak with that accent." Celestia cooed lovingly at him. "Use it in bed next time."
"Da."
Suddenly, there was the sound of doors swinging violently open.
"ELEMENTS ASSEMBLE!" Twilight called. Suddenly, everything turned Japanese as the girls began jumping around and gathering their necklaces. Light shone everywhere, Fire started having a seizure, and the girls were shouting 'PCHAAAAWWWWW' like really cliché ninjas. Finally, they all landed beside us, cracking the ground with eyes aglow. Then, it turned really cliché.
"Laughter!" Pinkie said firmly.
"Honesty!" Applejack added.
"Generosity!" Rarity smirked.
"Loyalty!" Rainbow called.
"Kindness!" Fluttershy said firmly.
"Magic!" Twilight added firmly, smirking as she called.
"And the Afterburner!" Solar yelled, trying to be impressive.
"Fuck off, that's mine." I growled, slapping the unicorn and tugging the flamethrower from his magic grasp. I stood on two legs. "To improve Solar's statement: Hellfire!"
"Oui." Fire cheered unenthusiastically. NOW we were ready: even after a year, my bronyhood was still going crazy. Fighting Discord alongside the Elements! Nice. I'd missed fighting Nightmare Moon with the Elements, but I'm not missing this one. The girls began to levitate, a wind whipping up as light shone brightly throughout the throne room. Twilight's eyes glowed white. Discord didn't look like he gave a toss: he was just sat drumming on the squeaky toys making up the armrest. It was difficult to see what happened as the rainbow hit Discord. Presumably, he slowly turned to stone. I immediately took the last opportunity to burn the bastard, running up with the Afterburner. He shrugged off the fire, but OH WELL. IT LOOKED COOL AT THE TIME. Finally, after ten seconds, the light cleared up. All that was left was a statue of Discord lying on the floor, not giving a toss. We'd won. The small saga was over: I knew that these chapters were over when he was defeated. However, considering we were hanging around with the Elements of Harmony, the peace wouldn't last. And that meant I'd have to write more chapters when we returned to Earth.
That is, if we wanted to return to Earth.

But that wasn't important: what was important was that both Princesses were nodding with approval and clapping. So that meant we'd get a ceremony that was highly related to Star Wars! WOOOOO!

SNEAK PREVIEW OF CHAPTERS TO COME!
The next day, Pinkie stole my hat and inadvertently released Balls McScratchy upon Equestria. We had to stop him before he reached the centre of Equestria, which was actually a black hole device.

Eclipse. That's all you need to know.

Nightmare night had arrived.
Foals ran around in costumes, asking for candy ~~so I told them to fuck off and die~~, the moon shone brightly, and the girls were here wearing costumes, waiting for the guys. Since my hat was already ripped to shit, I gave it a break and donned a welding mask that I had smacked a dead pigeon on to spatter it with blood. Then, I put the flash grenades around my waist, and had Ebony's axe slung over my back. I don't know what the fuck I was dressed up as, but I just said it was a guy from Earth and nopony asked any questions.
"So," asked Rainbow, dressed a shadowbolt. The goggles obscured her eyes, so I couldn't fucking tell what she was looking at. "Pinkie, who do you wanna prank first?"
"Everypony!" she giggled. "I'm a chicken."
"Mm-hmm." Solar replied. He was wearing a gas mask, and carrying the Afterburner. He still didn't realize that it had run out of juice ages ago, so he still looked like he was struggling with it. "Mm mmph pmmrmm."
"I bet you bloody are." Twilight nodded, smiling. After a moment where she blankly smiled at him as we all stared, I spoke up.
"You have no clue what he just said do you?"
"No fucking idea." she calmly replied, not moving her gaze from the wall. Just then, Fire came downstairs, wearing a black shirt and jeans.
"Hey guys." he said casually.
"The fuck are you meant to be?" I asked.
"Michael Rosen."
"OK, cool." I smirked. "One day my friend Harrybo came into school SHiTTing, and we all asked what's the matter?"
"He said he had DiAreeA." Fire laughed. Everypony just stared in utter confusion.
"Before this gets more awkward, do you want to get going?" Rarity asked. She was just wearing a black dress made of the finest materials a dominatrix could ask for. No doubt would stallions just stare at her, but she was wearing that tight, leather, black, seductive...screw it, dat ass. Anyway, we all headed out the door.
"So," Twilight began, nudging and grinning at me, "Looking forward to seeing your marefriend?"
"Yes." I replied calmly. "Those bells are fucking annoying."
"I know: I picked them out to piss you off."
"Aww, you care about me that much?"
"No, not at all."
"Likewise. Anyway, Lulu says she wants me to stay at the castle for a while, so I will. No doubt this means sex."
"Yep. Isn't Ebony up there as well? With my mentor?"
"Yeah, I think. Unless he's already pissed her off so much he's on the moon."
"Ha, real original."
"Eeeeexactly."
"..."
"...remember when we all first met?" I asked the group.
"Yes, I do." Fluttershy smirked. "You almost died because I glared at you."

"Yes, don't remind me. And anyway, now who's got the fucking death glare?" I asked bravely, raising my mask up and staring her in the eyes. The vanilla mare stared back, and we stopped in the middle of town to have a staring contest. The others kept going whilst we glared.

Soon, almost the entirety of Ponyville had come to watch the death-glare battle of the century. Fluttershy's steely gaze was at a stalemate with my lead glare, both as strong as the other. The crowds were murmuring amongst themselves, many asking themselves why they were even watching us. Finally, somepony had enough.
"This sucks." I heard Colgate yell from the back. A commotion was heard, and before I knew it there was a pain inbetween my hind legs. It hurt so much I laughed for some reason as I fell onto my side clutching my groin.
"Why?" I whined as the audience laughed to death at my pain.
"Because I got bored." Colgate shrugged. "Besides, be thankful you still have teeth. If I didn't like you like I do your teeth would be in an hourglass as fine powder by now."
"Funny." I grunted, shakily standing. "Real funny. I'm laughing so much my dick hurts."
"But still." she smirked. "CRITICAL HIT."

"Goddamn you, toothpaste."

Once I was certain I could still make beautiful children with Luna, Fluttershy and I followed the trail that Pinkie made. The stream of confetti led into the forest, towards the Nightmare Moon statue. Zecora was already telling the children a scary story, which had no comparison to the Rake but was still 'spooky'. Refraining from coughing out xenophobic lines to the Zebra, I approached the guys.
"Hey you two." Rainbow said calmly. "I hear you got nailed in the nutsack by Colgate."
"She's got a damn mean kick." I muttered. "Don't even know why she did it."
"She did it to me." Inferno cut in. "She said it's because she thinks it's funny to watch us in pain."
"Oh, that's nice of her to care about us like that." Fire groaned, rolling his eyes. Suddenly, the skies began to go dark, winds whipping up as everypony panicked and fled. The chariot, as per ritual, raced in from the sky, two rather ugly guards towing it. In the chariot stood a robed figure, white eyed and grinning.
"Huzzah, my lady has arrived." I smirked, before spreading my wings and flying back to Ponyville.

After running into a bunch of trees, I gave up and walked.

Night Flight Fight...Bite...um...tripe. Yes. Tripe.

The forest was quite silent. Which was creepy. But, I knew my way back, so I didn't have to put up with it for long. And to keep me going, the thought of seeing my marefriend again was extremely motivating. Well, up until the point where I thought of her ass, then I got the most awkward wing-boner. Finally, though, I removed the last bramble just as I stalked into town. Everypony in the street was shaking, everybody was terrified of my marefriend, ~~and everybody was kung-fu fighting~~ so I tried to lessen the fear.
"Luna!" I called, galloping towards her and attempting to raise my welding mask as I ran. Her face lit up.
"Thunder!" she smiled, trotting towards me to meet me half way. Unfortunately, I stacked it, and landed snout first on the floor, dirt going straight up my nostrils. It hurt quite a lot, as you might guess, especially when the welding mask also flipped down and smacked me in the face. Groaning, I stood up.
"Yep." I grunted, blowing a few small pebbles from my nose and shaking my head clear. "Hi."
"Like a gazelle." Luna giggled. "It's good to see you again, hun." Finally, she gave the hug I wanted, wrapping her forelegs around my neck. As I returned, I looked at Colgate from over Luna's shoulder, and looked her RIGHT IN THE FUCKING EYES, before mouthing 'oh what, motherfucker. Yeah that's what I thought.' Colgate looked speechless. Finally, the embrace ended, and she turned to her subjects. "Greetings, my loyal subjects!" she bellowed. A mare in the front row had all of her skin removed by the force of the yell. Quickly, I tapped Luna on the shoulder and whispered in her ear.
"Not the best idea." I quietly murmured. "Everypony's already scared of you, just speak normally, OK?"
"Alright, if you say so." she replied. "Ahem. Apologies, everypony. I, ah, forgot that the Royal Canterlot Voice kind of went out of date a while back. Sorry. Especially you at the front. I'll pay the medical bills personally, so no worries. Um...yeah."
"Are you going to eat us?" I heard a strangely British foal say. I turned, and saw Pipsqueak staring at the Princess with a wooden sword clutched in his tiny mouth.
"No, why might you ask?" Luna replied, turning and approaching the child.
"Well," Pipsqueak said defiantly, "The stories said Nightmare Moon eats children, and you're Nightmare Moon, right?"
"No, I am free of the Nightmare, child." Luna laughed. "Since the Elements of Harmony freed my soul, I am Princess Luna, ruler of the night!" Part of me expected doves to fly out from behind her as she made that speech, but I cleared those thoughts rather quickly. I had become quite the professional at dispelling thoughts, my practice coming every time Luna did something arousing. I had to dispel thoughts like that fast, lest I receive a wing-boner.
"Well..." Pipsqueak looked down at the floor, clearly thinking about some shit. "...it's Nightmare Night. Why come to Ponyville?"
"Because my coltfriend, Thunder Mustang, lives here, along with several other friends of mine." Suddenly, a voice piped up.
"Am I your friend?" I heard somepony near the back ask, as everypony else began to raise from the kneeling position. Meanwhile, the chariot carriers were indifferent to all the shit that was going on, they just idly glanced around at things.
"I don't know you, but maybe you may end up being a friend." Luna nodded.
"If I'm a friend of Thunder, am I your friend too?"
"Well...I suppose?"
"Thunder! Am I your friend? It's me, Whooves."
"Uhhhhh, no." I replied. "It's just me, Thunder Mustang."
"What about me, Thunder?"
"Who the hell are you?"
"Me?"
"Wha-"
"Am I your friend?"
"WHAT THE HELL DO I HAVE TO DO WITH ANY OF THIS?!"
"Everything." Luna smirked.
"Hmm...[insert incredibly arousing innuendo here]."
Poomph.
Every female wing in the area popped up, and I could hear the awkward groaning of the wing owners and the chuckling of the stallions. Of course, the guards were indifferent.
"Where did that even come from...?" Luna groaned. I looked, and her cheeks were flushed and wings outstretched. But that was a good question.

"I...don't know..." I replied. "All mares with wing-boners are now welcome to slap me."

Once I had buffed the dents from the welding mask, and snapped my jaw back into place, I set about finding the other guys alongside Luna. She was smugly rubbing her hoof, which had a tiny amount of blood on it from my snout.
"Nice hit." I said again.
"I thank you very much." she sighed. She looked rather unhappy.
"What's wrong?" I asked.
"It's just...well...I had to hit you, and I broke your jaw. It must have hurt a lot, and I have a strange sense of guilt. Can you forgive me?"
"I don't need to forgive you: I gave you permission to slap me. Plus, in the words of a certain crazed mercenary back home, 'Pain is just weakness leaving the body!'. It kind of is, so there's no need for you to be guilty. Only Gaben can be guilty, for no Half Life 3."
"What?"
"Nothing. Anyway, the point is I'll love you no matter what. No amount of accidental or purposeful slaps will stop me from loving that face, even when I'm dead. Which will probably happen at some point, in which case I want my ashes to be put into a flamethrower."
"Why are we discussing funeral plans? Are-are you going to die soon?! Oh Faust, why didn't you tell me?! Why will you die?! I can stop it!"
"No, no, I'm not going to die. I'll die eventually, from age or by being murdered for some stupidly obscure reason, but I'll be with you as long as I can, alright?"
"Ok, I get it now. Anyway: when I die, I want to become a toaster."
"What the fuck...? Why?"
"Because toast is my favourite food, and I like making toast because it's fun. So I want to be a toaster."
"Umm...right? I don't know whether to be worried about that or find you even more adorable because you said that."
"Ha. Well, why do you want to be a flamethrower?"
"Because I like watching people have slow, agonisingly painful deaths due to burning, and it's fun. So I want to be a flamethrower."

"Right, screw it, I'm seriously worried about you."

-Insert Army of Darkness reference here-

"Well, I assume you two have already had sex?" Twilight chuckled as we approached.
"Nope." I replied.
"Not yet, at least." Luna corrected, before leaning on me with forelegs crossed. I struggled to keep the weight of a mare twice my size up using just my head, so I had my neck bent down ever-so-slightly. "Isn't that right, sweetie?"
"Yes, dear." I smiled. "Oh, and that red paint spattered up the welding mask you're leaning on? That's not paint."
"What?" Luna murmured. I felt her shrug, and lean even further onto my head. "Meh. Anyway, today was good: many mares were able to slap Thunder, including me. Of course, I drew blood, and now I'm using him as a leaning-thing."
"Well, that's a shame I missed the opportunity to slap him." Rarity giggled.
"Nah, it was pegasi only." I replied, shifting under Luna's weight. "My brain decided to make an innuendo for no reason, and loads of mares received wing-boners. So, I said they could slap me as compensation. I spent a few minutes clicking my jaw back into place, and about ten minutes buffing dents from the welding mask."
"Yeah, Flitter did go overboard with that buck to the head." Luna added.
"Ahh, I was bucked in the head when I first got here, courtesy of AJ."
"Well, ah did what y'all deserved. Plus, ah didn't like y'all much back then." Applejack cut in.
"Touché." I smirked. "Well, I suppose that's all changed, eh? First time we met, you just thought of us as 5 stallions and a psychopath, now it's 6 of your coltfriends, 2 of which are dating Princesses, one of which is a fucking psychopath."
"Hey!" Luna shot back.
"I was talking about me, not you. Calm down, Lulu. Just calm down."
"OK. But you owe me a massage."
"Oh god, not this shit again..."
"Ooh, do expand on the backstory." Twilight giggled, bells atop her hat jingling.
"Well, it all started when you guys invaded our privacy. Luna got pissed, I tried killing myself for no fucking reason I can think of, I broke into the castle, saved two guards, released details of some creepy cult's plan, and as an apology for yelling at Luna, I gave her a massage." I said firmly.
"The next morning we woke up in bed together. Even if no sex happened, we're here now." Luna finished. "And here we stand, with my little Psychopath below me, as he should be."
"Other way round, sister." I chuckled. "So, how'd you guys and your first nights go?"
"Before we begin, do you think we should go somewhere private?" Inferno cut in.
"Er...ok?" Fire replied, before looking like he'd remembered something. "We can follow the Michael Rosen Map!"
"OK? Yeah? Yeah? OK?" Pinkie smiled, bouncing around inside my welding mask.
"Pinkie, I will smack that mask in a minute, just so you go deaf." I growled.
"Oh Thunder, you're such a barrel of laughs!" Pinkie giggled, before becoming a helicopter by spinning Ebony's axe around really fast.

"Yeah, and you're an irritating bi-"

We had lit the fire, removed our costumes, and sat on the chairs of our home's living room. Unfortunately, Luna had decided to sit in front of the fire, and it was cold on my own, so I was forced to abandon my comfy chair and lie beside her. However, it felt even better when she wrapped a wing over my back, so I didn't mind. Once we'd all settled, we started our evening.
"So, shall Twilight and I start?" Inferno asked. The rest of us nodded and turned to the Pegasus and unicorn.
"Okay." Twilight began. "The first few days when you guys had arrived, there was the whole Gala Ticket jazz. As I was running from the crowd, Sky Wheel, Inferno, and Thunder swooped down and collected the ticket. Later, Thunder came back to the library, with the ticket, and I spontaneously opened up to him my feelings on Inferno."
"That happened." I nodded.
"Yeah, it did. According to you two, anyways." Inferno continued. "Well, at that very moment I walked into the library, and heard Twilight saying that she liked me. So we kicked Thunder out really violently, and that night we made love. Next morning, we were certain that we were an item, and decided to, officially, become marefriend and coltfriend." The rest of us clapped at the tale.
Just then, there was a tug on my ear. Looking to the left, I saw that Luna was nibbling my ear.
"Yes, Luna?" I sighed.
"Well, I made some toast." she whispered. "Want some?"
"Nah." I replied. "You can have it all."
"Hmm..." she purred, before beginning to nuzzle my neck strangely slowly. "Is there some reason you don't want any? Because you messed with the bread?"
"No, it's because I'm not hungry. And because you're adorable."
"I'm aware."
"Well, who's next?" Fire asked. "Sky and Rainbow?"
"Yeah, alright." Rainbow Dash shrugged, sitting up. "It all started with a race. He won, we had sex. That's it."
"O...K...if you put it that bluntly, but anyway." Sky rolled his eyes. "Next? Fire and Rarity?"
"Alright." Fire cleared his throat. "That day that Thunder and Inferno had your...well, episode, Rarity and I plucked up the courage to confront each other about my feelings."
"Yes," Rarity chimed in, "After a good explanation, he eventually convinced me not to be mad. However, he convinced me to bed him."
"He was climbin' in yo windows, snatchin' yo virginity up." I added.
"Shut up, home boy," Rarity shot back, "You are dumb: you are really dumb, fo' real. Whaddya say to THAT, home boy?"
"Hide yo kids, hide yo wife, and hide yo husbands 'cos he be rapin' errybody round here." Fire laughed.
"Uuhh, nope. It's just me, Sky Wheel."
"Aww, HEEEELLL NO."
"Uuhh, yes."
"Ahhh, no."
"Eeyup."
"Negatory."
"Heck yeah."
"What the fuck are we doing...?" Twilight finally asked. We all stopped.
"I dunno," Luna replied. "Anyway, Thunder, do you wanna go to the castle tonight?"
"Gladly. I don't think I saw Ebony while I was there last time." I nodded. "Plus, I've missed having sex with you."
"Same. Wanna do it now?"
"Hell yeah. But let's go upstairs first."
"I knew you two would end up dating from the start." Twilight giggled. "I had it all written down; all that remains is pregnancy, marriage, and then Thunder dying of age."
"Yeah, death'll come sooner for you, Twilight." I sniped back, as Luna and I began to go upstairs. "Tell me: did anypony ~~manage to kill a RED Spy on the way here?~~ find a way to refuel the Afterburner? No? Well I'll use the knife then."

Ornamentality. Or some word like that, I think I made that one up, to be honest...

"So..." I panted, staring at the ceiling of Luna's bedchamber.
"Are you...really...going to ask something...right now?" she replied breathlessly.
"Well, I wouldn't...ask before sex, would I?" I smiled. Luna smiled back.
"Good point. What?"
"How come I don't see your guards kicking around?"
"What do you mean? Dark Sky and Wrench Work?"
"Yeah, those tw-wait, you've only got two?"
"W-Well, y-yes, those were the only two guards who weren't utterly terrified of me on first meeting me...so they became my guards."
"So...a lack of fear keeps them by your side? Is that why they're so indifferent to tonnes of shit?"
"Yes. Why are you asking me this? What are you planning...?"
"Nothing.~~" I replied innocently, whistling and grinning. I figured that she'd get my idea in 3...2...1...
"...are you...wait, you're planning to join the LUNAR GUARDS?!?" Luna immediately sat up in bed, rolled over on top of me, and pinned me down by my wings and legs in less than 2 seconds. I considered struggling, but the serious expression on her face was enough to stop me from doing so.
"Y-Y-Y-Y-Yes...?" I whimpered.
"Don't you dare." Luna growled. "My guards are the Elite of the Elite, best of the best. You'd be mauled by the training, eviscerated by the Drill Instructors. So: still certain you'll join?"
"Well," I replied sharply, "Since I arrived here all those months ago, I've already been kicked in the head, shot at, thrown out of a clock tower, mentally raped and invaded, bound, carried on my best friend's back, mind controlled, been set on fire, gone slightly deaf from the sound of rifle fire, set on fire AGAIN, chased by an entire village, received acidic burns from a creature that had been around me for years, chased by a buffalo hoard, pushed so far I nearly killed myself, smoked 5 cigars that have probably annihalated my lungs, and right now I'm being held down my my marefriend. I think I can handle some hard knocks."
"Oh, these aren't hard knocks we're talking about." Luna grinned carnivorously, narrowing her eyes and moving worryingly close to my face. "The things you've been through will feel like one of my signature massages, while the training would feel like a crowbar to the skull. Are we done here?"
"...yes." I sighed. Finally, the pressure was released from my limbs, and I gave them a slight move around, all the while I found myself glaring at Luna. She had rolled over to face away from me, and from the sounds she was making, she was...crying...?
I shifted carefully forwards, before wrapping a foreleg over her shoulder as gently as I could. My small form pailed in comparison to her mighty goddess body, and I noticed that I would be able to slide my head underneath her neck. So I did just that, my blue head easily fitting underneath her warm neck, before popping up on the other side. To save you all from bursting into tears, I won't describe what she looks like when she's in tears. But she was in tears.
"Lulu?" I asked quietly. She moved her hooves from her eyes, and looked at me tearfully. "What's wrong?"
"I'm...I'm a bully..." she sniffed.
"No, no, you're not." I replied. I reached a my other hoof up to her chin, somehow over her body and bending like Mr Tickle's arms along the way. "The pony that accuses you of being a bully is losing a spine. You're no bully; you're Princess Luna, goddess of the moon! And to be honest, somepony calling you a bully is technically 'bullying the so called bully'."
"Bullyception?" she smiled slightly.
"Yeah, bullyception. How do you even know about that?" I grinned.
"How come I haven't turned you into a dog yet?"
"I don't know, is it because I'm handsome?"
"No, it's because I already have one." Luna reached up a hoof, and ruffled through my mane. Being the mane it was, it immediately bounced back into it's original position. VO5 EXTREME STYLING GEL: BREAK THA MUTHA FUKIN MOLD, BITCH
"Aww, I love you too. Speaking of pets, did you ever meet Steve?"
"You have a pet?"
"Yes, my friends and I have a pet called Steve. I'd bring you to come and say hi, but I have no fucking clue where he went. Maybe into the Everfree, I dunno. But he was called Steve."
"What was he?"
"Ursa Major."
"Pfft, that's a lie."
"Uuuhhh, nope. Go through my memories if you want, you'll find Steve."
"Fine: I will."

"Go right on ahead, Lulu."

"So, you wanted to defeat Terry?" I asked.
"Yes, why?" Luna smartly replied. Her horn had a small ball of light attached to it, illuminating the dark cliff face. Wrong wrong step might have forced me to use my rarely used wings, thus spending my valuable effort supplies on a pointless errand.
"Well," I shivered, "It's just that you decided to fight a nearly invincible monster, without any other help. And no weapons."
"Yes, well, I have my horn. You have...I'm working on it." Luna grinned sheepishly.
"Great. I'm dead." I groaned as we both entered the area we last met Terry. The pile of things was still there, as well as many holes. The moon illuminated this area incredibly brightly, but not by as much as the sun did last time. "Well, this is it, Terramorphous Peak."
"Mm-hmm." she smiled. "Where's Terry?"
"I dunno," I replied sharply, "Maybe you could use a burst of detect life magic and see where he is?"
"~~Kill me.~~ Maybe you could touch my ass one last time?"
"Later."

What this story needs is a custom image.

"I'm cold." I muttered for the fourth time.
"I bet you are, but tough love, baby." Luna smirked back. "I don't think we're leaving until 'Terry' is dead."
"Why do we need to kill him again..?" I asked, stepping over a small rock.
"Because," Luna groaned, "If we don't get rid of him NOW, he'll come back LATER, maybe even during a Diplomatic meeting."
"Well, that's good reasoning." I smiled. "But still: from what I can reme-PREDICT, Changelings might attack the Royal Wedding in a few months. If he comes back then, it'll be more impressive, and you'll gain public trust." Luna stopped, considering, before closing her eyes and smiling as she walked on.
"Nah." she grinned. "Bloody pikeys ain't touchin' that weddin'. They also ain't capturin' the bloody points, either." I practically had an orgasm right then, just for the fact that somepony as hot as Luna was referencing everybody's favourite Australian Marksman.
"W-Woah..." I stuttered, blinking my stunned thoughts away. "Did y-you just...?"
"Yes, I did." she giggled, doing a few small hops over some rocks. "If I can remember, 'The Sniper', was it?"
"Damn right it is." I nodded. "Bend over now. That was too damn hot. Bend over."
"Later. Now where was I? Ah yes! Here ve are." Luna replied, gesturing to a large chasm in the ground, containing some visible ores (An Ore-Chasm, hurdy hur. :D). "I'll drop the accent now. Terry should come from down here."
"Yeah, he will." I nodded. "What're we going to do for weapons?" Luna suddenly froze at my comment, and stared at me with a worried expression.
"...weapons...?" she whimpered.
"I mean, I know you said you could kill him with magic, but..."
"W-Well, I wasn't thinking right then. Would you have needed weapons to kill him in your world's version?"
"Hell yes you would've." I sharply replied. "Since it was a game involving leveling up, you'd have to be the highest level just to stand a chance. Need I say, that guns at level 50 do roughly 10,000 damage per shot, if you have a decent weapon. Even that wouldn't scratch him."
"Oohh...shit." Luna murmured. We looked at each other, then at the hole. "Leave?"
"Ye-"
Rumbling noise!

"OH COME ON THIS IS TOTAL BULLSHIT."

Meanwhile, inside Thunder's brain...

"Cap'n! Large object approachin' from below!"
"Aye!"
"Fuck off you two, I'm drunk."
"But cap'n! She cannae take any more pre-"
"FINISH THAT LINE AND I'LL FUCKIN' BOTTLE YE."
"Um..."
-door creak-
"The captain's a traitor!"
-BLAM-
INNOCENTS WIN
"Aaaaaaaayyyy! Nice shot!"
"How did you know?"
"I saw his DNA on Logic's body. Plus, I got his Deagle."

"OK, let's change map."

"FLY! FLY AWAY!" Luna screamed. Both of us frantically began to flap our wings in an attempt to escape Terry. It was easy to see where we needed to go, our target lit up by bright orange lights surrounding the castle. Plus, the fact that Equestria was a cartoon made it incredibly easy to see when we were about to hit each other due to our brilliant white pupils. "JUST FLY!"
"WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK I'M DOING?!" I shouted back. The loud sound of Terry's arrival blew up behind us, and not even a few seconds later bright orange lasers were flying past us. "SHIT, LASERS!"
"FLY FASTER!"
"I CAN'T FLY FASTER THAN BLOODY LASERS!"
"TRY!"
"USE MAGIC!"
"WE'RE GOING TOO FAST!"
"THEN WE NEED TO LAND!"
"WHY ARE WE YELLING EVEN THOUGH WE'RE ONLY 2 FOOT AWAY FROM EACH OTHER?"
"I don't know. But let's try and get to the mountain peak. With any luck, Terry can't get us, then we can land and teleport out of here."
"Sounds like a plan! Let's go!"
Immediately, we both performed evasive loops upward, before rolling over the golden beam and flying towards the mountain top. I could see that it was flat at the top, but only 5 foot wide. We'd barely have room on top of it, but that also meant Terry couldn't fit there. Knowing safety wasn't far away, I put on a burst of speed, and felt the beginnings of a speed cone forming at my forehooves. Any faster, and something would happen. Suddenly, as though it were some scripted set-piece, there was a sharp pain in my right wing as a massive shard of rock tore a neat hole through it.

"I was SO DAMN CLOSE!" I shouted, before crying out in pain. I flapped my injured wing even faster to compensate for the damge sustained, and barely even made it to the platform edge. I could already feel the blood cascading down my side, along with my vision beginning to darken around the edges. "So...damned...close..." Just then, my conciousness fucked off to go do something else, and for around the 5000000000th time since I came to Equestria, I passed out.

"Gnnfrgth...." I mumbled. Everything was white. I snapped my eyes open. "Aw, son of a fuck. I'm dead." Standing up, I began to peer around the endless expanse of...WHITENESS. "This is just bullshit. And I never even got to send Gaben an e-mail. Hello? God? You home?"
"Yes, Thunder Mustang. I am home." a heavenly (ha-ha, death joke) voice replied. Turning around, I came face to face with a look-a-like of Princess Celestia. However, rather than the ethereal mane, it seemed to remind me of...oh god, are you kidding me? "I am Faust: creator of all."
"Oh my god, how cliché." I groaned. "I don't know what I expected. Morgan Freeman? Jesus? Chuck Norris? Fuck."
"Hmmph." 'Faust' grunted. "Well, since you're clinically dead, and highly likely to be revived within the next few minutes, I'll give you some information you'll need for later."
"Wait, why?" I asked. "Wouldn't that create a paradox or some shit?"
"No, I'm Faust, I do as I please." she smiled. "As I was saying, before you stands answers. Fire away."
"Erm...ok?" I cleared my throat. "What's going to happen at the wedding?"
"Changeling apocalypse. And, from what I can tell, there'll be a battle. A bloody battle."
"Huh, I've had enough of battles. That's irritating."
"Wherever you and humankind goes, you bring fighting. Don't tell me you haven't heard that one before?"
"Yeah, yeah, yeah."
"Good. Now, what other questions do you have?"
"How will I die? The second time, I mean?" Faust looked up into her head, before looking back.
"I don't know, actually. Just think of something you'd consider awesome and hope that happens."
"Right then. Hmm...final thing, why is Pinkie Pie so random?"
"Like I'd know that. Nopony knows. Is that all?"
"Ye-no wait, NO. Will any more human equipment be found in the future?"
"Hmm...yes, I think so. They should appear in the order; computer, TV, nuclear reactors, CD printing, gaming consoles, and I think a few cars. But maybe I'm exaggerating."
"Well, if you're not, Equestria could be like Earth in years to come. That's bad."
"Yes. Now if you don't mind, you have to be killed here to put you back on Equis." As the last syllable left her lips, there was the sound of a TF2 Spy uncloaking. I felt a tap on my shoulder, and turned around to see, for the first time in a year, a human. It was a Spy, so not good, but I was satisfied.
"Gentlemen?" I felt a knife go in my back, then fell over and died. Then Faust turned out to be a RED Spy, and I last saw him running off carrying the BLU Intel on his back.
"MEDIC." I shouted for no reason.
-----------------------------------------------
"3, 2, 1, CLEAR!"
"C'mon, Thunder, WAKE UP!"
"He's dead, Solar! It'll take a miracle to wake him up!
"I got a pulse!"
"Oh thank Faust he's alive!"
"Hang in there, buddy!"
"He's breathing! Good Faust, how'd that happen?!"
"He's unnatural! Nopony can revive like that!"
"Well, he's a bit different."
"Damn that monster! When I get my hooves on him-!"
"Rainbow, calm down, we can kill that asshole later. Right now, we just need to make sure Thunder's OK."
"...OK, Twi. Gotcha."
"I do hope our friend awakens soon."
"Woah, who the fuck are you?"
"Who I am is of no concern of you, Mister Fire Trail, but my intent is more so."
"...you're the G-Stallion."
"That is correct, Miss Sparkle, but-"
"OK, I'm good." I finally said. I opened my eyes faster than expected, and sat up as though nothing had happened. Practically the entirety of the room's residents had a heart attack at my intrusion. The shock was replaced with smiles, and my ribs were replaced by fine powder from all the hugs and cheering. Finally, mouth died due to an excessively intrusive kiss from Luna. "Jesus, calm down guys," I laughed. "I was just dead, 's all."

New job. Cloud-patrol is for ponies with functioning wings.

"Thunder, I'm glad you're fine." Luna sighed. I felt her hoof begin to rub my shoulder, and her head leaning on that. I remained indifferent; instead opting to look at my right wing. I could easily see through it, and I could guess what the doctor had the intent to tell me.

"I'm not." I groaned, leaning back in my chair and letting my head hit the wall behind. "I'm probably never gonna fly again, so I guess my freedom's gone."

"Don't worry about it, Thunder." Twilight replied. "A few healing spells, and you'll be right as rain."

"Rain isn't right; it's just God pissing all over everyone." I shot back. "Do you think I'll enjoy any part of being ground-stuck permanently? No. And now that this wing has taken too much crap over this year, it'll most likely never flap again. It's been shot with acid, it's been bound along with the rest of me, it's been thrown into walls, ground along the floor. And now a large tentacled fuck launched a rock and practically hole-punched the thing to the bone. You think my wing's some kind of Nokia phone, that's fine. You think that. It's not. My wings have lasted this long, but now they're practically turning into Liam Neeson's film roles."

"Who're y'all talkin' about?" Applejack interuppted. "Lee-ham Knee-saun?"

"Liam Neeson." Solar corrected, "He's an old actor from Earth, and took part in films like Taken, Taken 2, The A Te-"

"Shut the FUCK up, Solar." I snapped. "I'm not in the bloody mood. This doctor's taking ages, where the hell is he/she?" Suddenly, there was a knock at the waiting room doors, and we all looked over. To my surprise, Nurse Redheart was stood, clipboard in hoof and looking tired as ever.

"I'm here." she groaned as she saw me on the chair with the bandages around my wing-base. "Thunder, what'd you do this time? Fight a dragon?"

"I fled from Terramorphous." I said through gritted teeth. "Can we get on with this? I have to get back home and saw my wings off." Redheart seemed to look quite sympathetic, before she sighed and nodded.

"Very well." muttered the Nurse. As she raised her clipboard, eberypony went quiet. "It looks like you won't be flying for a while-"

"I'm permanently grounded, right?" I cut in.

"Well, yes, unless you take the second option." Redheart flipped the page over. "We're looking for a subject willing to participate in a medical experi-"

"No."

"But-"

"No."

"You don't want to fly agai-"

"Yes."

"Then why don't yo-"

"No."

"Wh-"

"I SAID NO!" I finally yelled. The room went deathly silent. Finally, I felt Luna tap me on the shoulder.

"Thunder, think about this." she said sternly.

"No." I replied firmly. "I'm not willing to become a bloody test subject for an experiment." My mind flashed back to Portal. "I hate testing."

"Ok, Thunder, what the hell's come over you?" Twilight finally said angrily, standing up. "Ever since you woke up, you've turned into a jerk!"

"Ever since he came here he's been a jerk!" Solar corrected. He stood up as well, attempting to make this more stand-off-ish. "He's been issuing commands, giving us no say!"

"Yeah?" I shot back, standing up right into their faces. "Did those plans work? Yes. Did you speak out? No. I stress the last question and answer, because you didn't."

"Well, that's your opinion." Inferno cut in, entering the fray. "Our opinion is, 'you're an ass'!"

"My opinion is, 'somebody just asked for a Crowbar to the face'." I hissed back. "Are you asking for that? ARE YOU?"

"All of you, calm down." Luna stood up, pushing us apart with magic.

"You calm the fuck down." I AWP-sniped back. "If I hadn't have gone along with your stupid plan to try killing a monster with no weapons, I wouldn't be here, and we wouldn't be arguing right now. But since I did, and I lost a wing, it's your fault. You haven't even lifted a hoof to try repairing the damage. At most you brought me here, where they've done FUCK ALL to help."

"B-but I haven't practiced the wound regeneration spell!" she whimpered, cowering slightly. "I couldn't have helped with the old-era spells I already kne-"

"It was at least worth a bloody shot!" I shouted. "You know what: fuck it. I've lost my job, since I can't fly anymore, I've pissed off a bunch of assholes I called 'friends' at one point, and now I'm teetering on the edge of just leaving and never coming back." I sighed, and went to the door. "If you need me, tough shit, assholes."

With that, I began to walk down the silent corridor. I didn't even look back over my shoulder, I just walked. Where I was going, I didn't know. But one thing was for certain: I wasn't going to live in Ponyville anymore. I began to head home, packed my things, and hefted the Afterburner as I left. Every part of me was saying that somepony needed to die, but I was King of the Hill, Ruler of my Body, and no low-life conscience was ordering me about. As I walked through the town gates, I paused to take one last look at the village.

I'd burned the place to the ground, saved it once or twice, lived there for a year, played Poker there, tried killing myself there, and was almost killed by the townsfolk there. But I wasn't staying. Distant thunder echoed through the night, as the slow pattering of rain started up. The other thing that started up was something I hadn't heard in months.

Thunder...? Sweetie, are you OK?

Thunder?

Are you listening?

Thunder...?

Answer me please...

Please...

I still love you, we can talk this out.

Just answer me.

Please.

It's raining, just come back.

Come back to us.

There was another option for your flying issue, they just told us.

Come back, they'll explain it to you, every detail, I'll be there every step of the way.

Just reply to me, Thunder.

Thunder...?

The girls are in tears. I'm in tears. Just return.

No. I'm done. Goodbye.

Ignoring the rest of the pleading messages, I finally locked that part of my mind away. No more voices or breaking into my head. Just me, the Afterburner, and 5000 bits I'd saved in a hidden drawer.

"So," said the other guy on the train carriage, "Where are you headed?"

"Anywhere that's not easy to find." I sighed. "You?"

"I'm not specific. I just ride around Equestria, looking for jobs. I think this time I should get some work. Why?" chuckled the stallion, "You a fugitive on the run or something?"

"If that's what you'd call it, yes."

"Good, so am I."

"Nice. Why are you running?"

"Assassination of a Griffonian diplomat using a very well aimed throwing knife. Why are you running?"

"Left Ponyville due to this wing-injury, argued with some 'friends', and left Princess Luna alone. So most likely she has guards posted in places to try finding me."

"Wait, you're Thunder Mustang?" gasped the stallion. His features were obscured, but I could tell he was shocked. "Princess Luna's lover?"

"Was." I corrected. "Well, as I was saying, there'll be guards all over Equestria looking for me. Hopefully they don't stop this train." As though on cue, the train reached it's stop, and the brakes squealed. Stood on the platform was a guard commander, stood sternly on the platform as he gazed upon the train. Immediately, we both ducked down below the table, and I could see the face of my fellow fugitive.

He was a brown unicorn stallion, bald with thin black eyebrows. He was wearing a suit with red tie, and had unnaturally blue eyes. On both hooves he had gloves, blending perfectly with his suit. Inside his jacket, I could see two pistol holsters, both a perfect silvery colour.

"Fourty-seven..." I murmured, before raising my voice to a whisper. "Hopefully he didn't see us, I can't deal with the shit I'd have to put up with if I'm caught."

"I can't put up with the execution." added the stallion, before he extended a hoof. "Name's Slide-Back, Hit-Stallion." Firmly, I shook his hoof.

"Thunder Mustang, soon-to-be killer." I replied. He looked rather tense, then realised what I meant.

"You planning to become an assassin?" he said. His face went stone-cold. "I can give you some pointers, comes with years of bringing down Griffonian Ambassadors and Lords.."

"Thanks, man." I nodded. "First lesson?"

"Don't get caught." he said quietly. Just then, his horn began to glow, and there was the sudden realization that he was creating a disguise for our hiding place. "Simple projection spell. Easiest one to do, for a unicorn. Conceals hiding places easily." As if on cue, the door to the cabin opened. A pair of guards peeked through the gap in the door, spears raised as they squinted around the dark room.

"Faust-damned trains need lights..." one muttered, before turning to his comrade. "Nothing here, Scorch."

"Alright." replied Scorch. "Serrated, did I ever tell you how much it sucks to be pushed down in jobs? One minute, guarding the Princess' chambers. The next, looking for two guys who're probably in the Northern Wastelands by now."

"Yes, many-a-time." sighed Serrated. "Damned infiltrator knocked us out." he said, as the door shut. I felt sorry for the pair, but then Slide spoke.

"Infiltrator? Wow, must have been a good spy then." he whistled.

"Yeah." I replied, because he wouldn't believe me if I told him.

Eventually, after around 9 stops with a 30 minute gap between each, an old stallion gave everypony the word that the train wasn't going to stop for 3 hours, as the train was now headed for Griffonia. We had both come out from under the table, and began to get talking.

"So the pay for your job can reach 100,000 bits per job?" I whistled. "Nice. Griffonia has that good an economy?"

"Yes, but they tend to pay more to ponies, as we're much more skilled and less likely to give details of who hired us." Slide nodded. "Of course, I'm not the finest in the buisness. Highest skilled assassin is Black Blade, and he broke the record for highest-paid kill in history."

"Which was?"

"The knifing in the back of Emperor Blackfeathers XVIII during a public speech. He got about 50,000,000 for it." Slide chuckled. "It was what inspired me to learn about the art of murder. I know that at least 1 person on board every public train, carriage, boat, or airship has ties to the group I trained in."

"Sounds like a big group." I smirked. "How many, besides you, are on this train?"

"1." he replied knowledgeably. "She's two carriages away from us, three away from the train engine, and in cubicle four."

"That's awesome. Two assassins on a train, and I'm speaking with one. Wow." I chuckled. "Is he headed where we're headed?"

"Yes, and it's a she. Up-and-coming hitmare, goes by the name 'Six Shot'. I think she'd visit our cubicle before we visit hers."

"Great." I sighed. "But I still can't believe I'm going to learn the art of murder...professionally."

"Well, we are headed to Crowme, Griffonian capital city and home of the Assassins."

"So...you have a den there or something?" I asked. Slide-Back just laughed.

"You'll see, kid. You'll see."

Author's Note

Yeah, change of tone now. I like serious things nap, k bai.

Ok, just imagine the Assassin's Creed 3 theme playing here...or something. Yeah, do that.

Just as the city came into view, there was a knocking at our cubicle door. Quickly, Slide-Back drew both of his rather ornate pistols, aimed them subtly at the door, and gestured for me to open. Nodding, I crept up to the door, grasped the handle, and at the count of three, pulled it open. Stood on the other side was a mare I didn't think I'd see again.
"Six?" I laughed, looking at the mare as I opened the door. Slide holstered both pistols, and relaxed. "Didn't think I'd be seeing you again!"
"Neither did I." she replied with a smirk, entering and flinging her hat onto the stand with the grace of...hmmm, I'll get back to you on that. "Thought y'all were dead after the whole 'hit in the face with a brick' fiasco at the battle."
"Battle?" Slide cut in, sitting up, "You were in a battle?"
"Yeah, I was." I replied, shutting the door and taking my seat again beside Six. "About three months ago, there was a threat made by Buffalo, that they'd raid Appaloosa. So, thanks to a Royal weapons shipment, we fought them off for a while. Six Shot and I were on sniping duties, and at that point she was the 'finest pie thrower' in the town, if not county. Anyway, the tower was rammed too many times and it fell over with us inside. I had a brick land on my head, went to hospital, went back home, shit happened, relationship with Luna, more shit, sex with Luna, more shit, wing gets holed, go to hospital again, leave Ponyville, get on train, meet you guys, tell this story. Simple, really."
"Yep." Six sighed, looking at the roof. "Oh, the days when I wasn't hunted by the Royal Guards."
"Same here." I added.
"Agreed." Slide said. "Well Thunder, we're nearly in Crowme: we assassins have dens all over the city. You'll see when we get there."
"Obvious dens?" I asked. "Will I be training there?"
"If you're accepted, yes. That wing with the hole? No problem. Mechanics and doctors we have are some of Equestria's finest...assassins."
"Nice. So I'll eventually end up like you two?"
"Y'all got that right." Six nodded. "Who knows, maybe one o' yer first contracts'll have somethin' to do with that weddin' in Canterlot."
"If it is, I'd hope it's not an assassination on Royalty. I'm already in deep-shit with them as it is." I laughed. "Maybe they won't suspect the stallion with the dodgy wing carrying a loaded rifle up a tower."
"Hmm. Well, we'll find out soon enough if you're assassin material. Before we get there, do you have anything you're particularly proud of that might be 'assassin worthy'?" Slide asked, leaning forward on the table. I leaned back.
"Well, the Afterburner over there, that massive bulky thing, is a flamethrower I built in ten minutes or so during a parasprite invasion." I replied. "I performed a 5 lap run of the Canterlot palace when I first began to date Luna, so that's stamina. I demonstrated RPGs to some lab-boys, and tamed an Ursa Major. So, not much stealth in my life."
"Hmm...maybe there is." Six noted. "You shot that Buffalo right between the eyes, yeah?"
"That I did, go on." I continued.
"Well, then you'll be of use. Y'all can use a rifle, y'all can kill." Six suddenly narrowed her eyes with a smirk. "That is; if y'all can take the guilt that comes with killin'?"
"Is this a trick question?" I snorted. "I already have the responsibility for the deaths of about 10 Diamond Dogs, after my former friends and I chucked them down a deep ravine where Terramorphous the Invincible promptly devoured them. That guilt left. Y'know, because they're just dogs."
"Ha, I suppose." Slide chuckled. "The only thing you'd have to consider is mostly what comes after training. All that needs to be done post-training is getting a signature appearance. I chose a suit, simply because a 47 year old stallion should wear a suit at all times."
"I haven't chosen yet; I haven't completed my darned trainin' at all." Six sighed. "It's the reason I'm comin' t' Crowme, to complete my trainin'."
"Well," I said, thinking of Sniper and Spy's signature looks, "I have some ideas. We nearly there yet?" I looked out of the window. As though on some form of cue, there was a sudden jolt as the train screeched to a sharp halt. The floor shuddered violently, before falling still as the hiss of steam washed over the platform. Outside, many Griffons were stood in important looking outfits, impatiently glaring at their watches. Meanwhile, there were some that just couldn't give a fuck.

"Well, that felt scripted." Slide said. "Answered your question, though. Let's go, I need to teach you two the route to the main den."

The streets felt like I had been truly taken back in time. Market stands were alive with bustling Griffons and ponies, all looking for a good bargain, while small foals and...whatever the hell baby Griffons are called ran the streets in the age old game of 'get the fuck back here so I can shank you in the spleen'. Guard patrols marched past, armed with the latest in wooden sticks with pointy metal bits on the end, and looked around subtly with glares at everything that was even remotely alive. The buildings appeared as though I were back in Pompeii, before the eruption of course. I couldn't help but smile to myself. Now I just need a trip to Nazi Germaney. Then I'll have been in almost every time period, except the future. I can fix that with my MAGIC SKILLZ.
"Welcome to Crowme." Slide-Back grinned, adjusting his suit. "Come, this way." Nodding, Six Shot and I followed the unicorn, walking between mares, stallions, guards, doorways, and Griffons as we trailed our guide. As we rounded a corner, I saw that the alleyway we had entered was dark, lit by a single bulb above a blue door. As we approached, the first thing that hit me was the blood on the door, splattered across the words 'THE UNDERGROUND'.
"Eesh." I whistled. "You gonna knock?"
"No." replied Slide casually. "Oh, and remember to stand on this manhole grid when you enter, preferably within the circle." Before I could ask why, a pneumatic hiss and clatter resounded below, as a golden cage raised up around us, before sealing itself into an elevator.
"Oh, this seems familiar..." I muttered as the lift went down. Slide was unfazed, still with a slight grin on his face, and turned to us.
"You two ready to see your new Base of Operations?" he asked. Excitedly, Six and I nodded. Lights flashed past, and as they did, I could see things going on. A break room, archery range, blacksmiths, armoury, bedrooms; it was a city beneath a city! Finally, the lift began to slow, and on a well timed cue the main hall became visible. Ornate oak furnishings made for an Inventory-like feel, with a bar below, books lining the walls, and lavish red carpets made it feel exactly like the place I dreamed of playing Poker in back on Earth. At the bottom of the elevator shaft stood a mare in royal guard armour. I tensed, expecting everypony else to be a guard. As the lift stopped, I gulped.
"Slide-Back? You home already?" she asked in a rather stereotypical British accent. "And you brought dinner?"
"Depends." Slide grinned back, stepping out of the elevator followed by us. "Fleur, I'd like you to meet Six Shot and Thunder Mustang. They're both experienced in riflework, and at one point worked together."
"Well, this is a find, eh?" the mare called Fleur asked. She seemed to be an exact clone of Fleur de Lis back in Canterlot. "Two assassins in one go? Nice." Fleur trotted over to Six, and looked her down, circling her. "So, how'd you get found, missy?"
"I was one o' the finest pie throwers in Appaloosan country." Six began, her blue eyes following Fleur as she circled. "Then came these rifles, and I found out just how good I was with 'em when Thunder here gave a demonstration. I quit my ol' job at the Salt Cube, figured I could earn more by shootin' and lootin' rather than servin' drinks. After, I hopped on a train t' here, and I met up with these two. You can guess the rest, ma'am."
"So, you recognise me as having higher rank?" Fleur smiled. "Well, that's a good start." Both mares shook hooves, before Fleur turned to me. "And you're Thunder Mustang?" she smirked, narrowing her eyes and circling me as well.
"Yeah, that's me." I replied casually. "And I believe I recognise you as Fleur de Lis, trophy wife of Fancy Pants?" Fleur suddenly scrambled slightly, looking shocked.
"H-How did you kno-" she stuttered.
"Do you remember the days after Equestria Daily published images of a mystery stallion kissing Princess Luna?" I asked. Fleur nodded, still worried. "Well, if you identified the stallion in the image as me, you'd be correct. Back in my hometown, things went slightly bad, and I followed a pair of stallions not against me down a few hidden tunnels to Canterlot. Stayed in the palace for a few days, thanks to some close ties with the Princesses, due to a broken wing. However, my companions left the castle to wander Canterlot. You might remember seeing a charoal black stallion with a Mohawk, and a small green Pegasus with a white mane?"
"They were your companions?" she asked, smiling slightly. "Wow, never would have thought it. But why are you here?"
"My wing." I replied, unfolding the wounded limb for all to see. A few other ponies walking by cringed at the sight, before walking over to hear the tale. "It was holed in a fight with Terramorphous, and when I went to hospital my friends tried convincing me to have an experiment performed on it to have it working again. I said no, and after an argument I left Ponyville with 5000 bits, a home-made flamethrower and a case of minor depression. But, luckily I met Slide-Back here, and here I am."
"Wow, that's quite a tale." Fleur whistled. "And you're apt with weapons?"
"You kidding? I practically invented the things." I snorted. Fleur just laughed.
"We'll see about that, you dashing rogue." she giggled, before raising a hoof to her mouth. "ROOFTOP!" she called. After a second or two, a blur landed beside me with a thump, shocking me quite a bit. Looking down, I saw the figure of a hooded stallion getting up.
"Sup?" he asked, dusting himself off. "New recruits?"
"Yes, these two seem to have some training with weaponry." Fleur said to Rooftop. "Send them up to the double bunking rooms. I think they'll need it after the things they've been through." Rooftop snapped off a salute, before looking at Six and I.
"Follow me you two." he said, "And try to keep up."
With that, the stallion ran, leapt onto a wall, and grabbed a wooden beam nearby, hanging upside-down.
"So? You comin' or what?" he chuckled. Six and I looked at each other, nodded, and ran after the stallion. At that moment, I knew I'd found a good crowd.

Author's Note

Spontaneous competition time!
Artists, Photoshop...ists, people-who-are-better-at-drawing-than-me-ists! I have realised that the story you all seem to love so much appears bland and bleak to those seeing it for the first time. SO! Thus, I am proposing ~~a duel to the death~~ a competition.
I told you to go right requires a cover image, so I believe YOU can be helpful to my EVIL CAUSE OF SUPER-EVIL-ANTI-PROPAGANDA-DESTRUCTION-INSERTOTHERWORDSHERE! Put your skills to the test, and use your imagination, pencils, crayons, breast-milk, and Napalm to create a cover image depicting one of the following:

The six guys and Mane six stood side by side, cautiously glaring at each other
Thunder being a psychopath, whilst Twilight facehoofs
The guys in armour, cowering behind a rock from Terry
One of the guys riding Steve!
Some part of the story that induced masses of LOL.
Just send a message containing a link to your entry, I'll draw the winner.
Prize: ~~the ability to be proud of the fact that you won~~ Your OC, with a speaking part, as a major side-character! (If...that makes sense? Probably not.)

BEGIN ENTERING, MINIONS! DOODLE WITH YOUR NAPALM!

IT BEGIIIIIINS

"Well Six, I guess this is where our new lives start." I sighed.
"Yep." she sighed back. "Plus, we're gettin' to play around with weapons. EVERY DAY!" Neither of us could sleep, we were too excited. Whisked away by an assassin, sent to an underground facility to learn the art of stealth and murder? You think you'd be able to sleep when you knew that was gonna happen?
"I know! Machetes, knives, throwing stars, guns, poisons, it's all there! Saw it on the way down in the lift!"
"Free meals, accomodation, comfy beds, and most importantly, new allies!" Six added excitedly. "Then we're gonna get paid for killin'! Every time!"

"I can't wait 'til training begins. Who do you think's teaching us?"

The next morning, we, along with about 4-5 other trainees, were lined up at a range. On a table in front of us, there was a variety of weapons; rifles, blades, shotguns, pistols, revolvers, and of course, the Afterburner. Well not the real Afterburner, that was in my quarters, hanging on a rack. It had been duplicated, by disassembly, memorization, evaluation, and reassembly, before a functions test. According to the armourer, a buff fellow named Hot Steel, it had 'some shoddy craftmanship, but an incredible job for within the time I had'.
To the right of the table stood Fleur, all neat in her combat gear, with a slight frown and sunglasses.
"If you are to join this group, you need to be able to use a weapon." she barked, pacing down in front of us. "In front of you are a variety of weapons, many of which you will become acquainted with as you use them. Step forward, and take whichever you please, before returning back into a line. Go."
The other trainees, Six included, wasted no time in arguing over who took the biggest, shiniest gun. I facehoofed at their improper methods of retrieving a weapon, trotted over to the table, and picked a shiny gold Dhoenix (Desert Phoenix, the fucking punsters) up. After a small spin through idleness, I stepped back into line with the weapon in hoof. After another 30 seconds of standing idly by, the others gradually fell in. Six, I could see, won the argument, and hefted a large shotgun, with around 4 barrels. The others had settled with whatever else they had taken, one mare opting to hold an AWP in a magical grip.
"That was in more shambles than I first imagined, but you're now armed." Fleur groaned. "Next, all of you will need to acquaint yourselves with your weapon. That is why your first task is to name your weapon." Some confused murmuring was coming from the others, but Six seemed to nod approvingly. "All assassins that leave their weapons in museums have named their weapon. Be it a spear they named Skyneedle, a sword with an obscure Austallion name, or a trebuchet named 'Phil', most famous weapons are named." Fleur pointed to Six. "You! What have you named your weapon?"
"Terror, ma'am." Six replied sharply. Fleur pointed to the mare with the AWP.
"Name of your weapon?"
"I named mine Cherrypicker, ma'am!" shouted the mare. Fleur pointed to me.
"You!"
"Flip, ma'am." I casually replied. The others stared at me in confusion.
"Why name it 'Flip'?" asked a yellow stallion. I smirked. Birgirpall time.
"Because when you pull it out, it goes like this: WHHOOWHEW HOOO FLIPPETYFLOOP, WHHEEECCH." I cheerfully replied, spinning the golden pistol around my hoof repeatedly, through my legs, and even over my head. After, I received a small round of applause. Fleur seemed the most impressed.
"Which brings me to my second command: signatures." she coughed, silencing us. "An assassin is known for how they kill. Slide-Back is quite well know for leaving a single bit on the corpse of his target, thus earning him the nickname 'The Charity'. Your homework, children, is to think of how YOU'LL leave YOUR victims once they're dealt with." The yellow stallion from before raised a hoof. "Yes?"
"What's your signature, ma'am?" he asked.
"I put lipstick on, then kiss the body on the cheek." she replied smartly, "Earned me my nickname of 'The Gloss'. Now then, onto the part I know you're looking forward to: shooting." A small whoop came from us, and I span Flip again.
"Finally, some TRUE sharpshootin'." Six sighed.
"You sure?" I asked, as we were all given mirrors. Fleur smirked evilly.
"Hit these targets over your shoulders, without turning around." she laughed. "You're all such hot stuff, perform the easiest trick-shot in the book." Everypony else swallowed hard, and looked at their lengthy, high-recoil weapons. I grinned, looking at my small, medium-high recoil pistol.

"Ohohohoho." I laughed, placing it on my shoulder and holding my mirror with the other hoof. I aimed down the sights at the target, which was a Royal Guard helmet on a pike. I aimed down the sights, squeezed the trigger, and-

"...it was his own stupid fault for being where the ricochet was bound to go." I snorted, spinning Flip around in my hoof as I swallowed more of my lunch with the other guys from the lesson. "And how did a Royal Spy get down here, anyway?"
"Still," laughed Bush Whacker, our friendly neighbourhood Austallion Assassin. "It was a damn good shot. Nailed the bastard inbetween the bloody eyes."
"Yep," Six replied, "For all we know, he might have been on his way out with info, and y'all hit him like a deadshot."
"It was funny," I replied, "Until Fleur gave me a knife and told me to go gut him. That's when it became utterly awesome."
"Too right." snorted Swift Stike, or AWP mare.
"You crush tiny guard coward." boomed Rock Roller, our friendly...neighbourhood...fucking gigantic and ripped Tigerian. "Rock like Thunder. Rock like Dmitri, Rock's rocket launcher."
"Dmitri is a glorious name, my friend," I replied with a smile, "A glorious weapon deserves only the finest."
"Da. Is good."
"Y'know, we'll make a bloody good team, mates." Bush Whacker cut in. "A damn fine team."

Now class, for your homework...

"...so that's how I got into Fancy Pants'...well, pants." Fleur finished, proudly rubbing her hoof against her golden chestplate. "It's also how to get a good disguise; right now he thinks I'm in Crowme for a month to prepare for a fashion show. Any questions?" No hooves raised from around the room, and all 50 of us remained silent. "No? Good. Now, I'll just get the next few points written on the board, and we can begin 'Backstabbing 101'."
Fleur turned around to the black chalkboard, and once again the sound of drooling, perverted stallions was heard. I looked around, and saw the rest of my male classmates with jaws agape, staring lustfully at Fleur's ass. The females in the room, meanwhile, were just facehoofing at their counterparts' perverted minds. They had gotten used to the fact that I'd had enough of mares, and wasn't staring, so just let it slide. But a few weeks before, they looked at me as though I was one of only six humans-turned-ponies in Equestria.
Oh...wait. Yeah. Right.
"You know you guys are perverted as hell, right?" Swift Scope whispered. The sound of mares, and me, murmuring in agreement was just audible.
"Can't wait until she turns out to be, like, a lesbian or something." I chuckled. "The stallions would die masturbating."
"Uh-huh." Six Shot replied, bumping a hoof against my shoulder. "Then we mares'd be all yours." I raised a hoof to dismiss the giggles.
"Yeah, yeah, whatever. Once you've done it with a goddess, you've done it all. Back on topic, Fleur can't do much to surprise us. The only thing that's genuinely terrifying about her is the fact that she mutilated those guards to get that armour." I shuddered. "That poor Corporal..."
"Gentlecolts," Fleur called from the front, not taking her eyes off the board and pleasant expression not leaving her face, "Keep staring at my ass and I swear to Faust I'll sew your eyes to your own asses." Every single stallion immediately sat up, and began whistling casually whilst sweating. A lot. The mares and I, meanwhile, were laughing at that mental image. "You too, Thunder." she added.
"Why me? I wasn't staring!" I shot back. Then Fleur pulled out a Dhoenix, and pointed it at my face.
"Why not?" she asked with a carnivorous grin. "Why would you not be staring?"
"Because I'm not interested." I replied, idly flipping Flip with my hoof. "And besides, I hope you realise that I happen to know that weapon isn't loaded." Fleur rolled her eyes.
"Not with bullets, anyway." she smirked. "Nice try, though."
Clik.
Clikclikclik.
Fleur looked surprised, lowering her weapon and looking at it as though it were broken. Everypony else had jaws agape at the standoff, but chuckling, I reached into my bag, and removed all three of Fleur's personalized magazines. Each golden, highly ornate container was loaded with 7 stun darts. Fleur looked at her pistol, then at the magazines in my hoof, and grinned.
"I know where you keep your gun." I said calmly, shaking the magazine slightly, much to the amusement of everypony else.
"Well played." Fleur smirked. "That's rather promising to see, actually."
"My appreciation, ma'am." I replied, before throwing the magazines back to her. She caught them, stuffed them into a hidden compartment in her armour, and nodded.

"After that rather promising start," she began, gesturing to the chalkboard. "We'll now be moving onto the art of backstabbing."

Just as Six and I had begun to get the hang of twirling a butterfly knife around, the door to our quarters swung violently open. Stood on the other side of the doorway was a dishevelled looking Swift Scope. Immediately, Six and I flicked our knives closed, and put them away.
"Swift?" I asked, approaching the mare. "What's going o-"
"No time to explain!" she panted. "Everypony's been ordered to head to the main chambers, there's something big coming up!" Six pushed past, and instantly ran out the door. I followed, Swift running beside me down the lavish wood and red carpet corridor. Out of other rooms appeared the rest of us; Rock Roller and his trusty companion Dmitri, Iron Sights and his rifle, and Late Blaze with the Afterburner. Running in a line, we all looked pretty awesome. It would only be a matter of time before we had our signature appearances, and ran in a line then. That would look even better.
"What is happening?" Rock asked, his heavy hoofsteps clumping loudly on the floor.
"Dunno." Swift replied. "We've all just been told to head to the main chamber. I'm assuming this is important, otherwise they wouldn't have got the armourer to go on a break."
"Well, it must be damn important." I added. "That guy works all hours." Just before we could continue our speculating, we reached the ornate doors to the chamber. Instead of being a normal person, I headbutted the door open, and ran inside alongside the others.
No matter how spectacularly stupid my way of entering was, it seemed that everypony else was topping it. One other squad had crawled through the air vents, landed on some poor soul, and knocked him unconcious. The staallion that led Six and I to our quarters on the first day was hung upside down on the upper balcony, above Fleur, Slide-Back and a few other assassins. When he thought nopony was looking, he reached a hoof down, and signed somepony else's death warrant: he grabbed Fleur's ass, then hid on the roof. Fleur, blushing furiously with a glare even more terrifying than Fluttershy's stare, turned around and smashed a random stallion in the face. He fell over, and I presume he's dead.
Meanwhile, the ninja-colt (I forgot his name) reached down and stole Fleur's purse. I gave him a grin and a nod, and in reply he smirked and tapped the side of his snout. Suddenly, there was a booming cough that echoed through the room and cut the chatter. Stood on the balcony, glaring down at all of us whilst wearing aviator shades and military uniform, was somepony I didn't expect to see here AT ALL. Apparently everypony else recognised her as well.
"SPITFIRE?!" gasped everypony-including-me.
"Yes, I'm Spitfire." she sighed. "Assassin, Wonderbolt, Academy Trainer, and for today, bearer of incredible news!" The whole audience grinned, and listened. "Right then. Recently, a very, very important pony received a tip off from a traitor in the Changeling Empire that their ruler is planning an...unexpected visit on Canterlot. Said visit involves several thousand Changelings, and a disguise during the upcoming wedding. Now you're all wondering: why are you telling us this?"
"Uh-huh." we all replied, nodding in unison.
"Well, here's the part you'll all love: this client is willing to pay ONE BILLION BITS if we can eliminate the Changeling Queen, and her army, on the day of the wedding!" Everypony immediately let out a loud cheer. "But since this is such a large job, the largest we've ever done, EVERY SINGLE ONE OF WE ASSASSINS WILL BE ATTENDING."
"Ma'am?" I asked, raising a hoof, and sending the room into silence.
"Yes, Thunder Mustang?" she replied, flying down and looking right into my face, not even inches between our snouts. If somepony had just walked in, it would look like a random intimate moment.
"Might I ask, is this 'very important pony' one of the Princesses?" I asked. Spitfire groaned, and nodded.
"Yes, it is." she sighed. "I'm aware that this is potentially a trap. We have no way to know if the Princesses want this clan through, once and for all, or if they're actually being honest. Either way, we'll have to do it." The room went silent. "If there were a way to get the information out of said Princess, it'd be helpful."
"Which Princess is it, ma'am?" Slide-Back asked.
"Luna." Spitfire replied. I immediately felt thousands of eyes staring in my direction.
"Yeah, yeah, I hear you all." I sighed. "Doubt I can get into the castle without being caught though, so it's a stupid plan."
"If it were a stupid plan, you wouldn't be agreeing to it." Fleur called down.
"But I didn't agr-"
"Yes you did." Spitfire cut in. "We need to know if she's honest, and what better way to do so than by 'forcing' it out of her?" Before I could argue, the meeting was adjourned, and the hall emptied in moments, leaving me stood in an empty chamber, with a shocked expression.

"...and I never even managed to get away from them for a week..."

Thunder. Just reply to me.
Please.
...fine. I'm listening.
Finally! Thunder, listen to me. I miss you. We all miss you. There hasn't been a day where I haven't cried due to your departure. I can't sleep knowing that you're out there in the rain, all alone.
I know. It's why I'm coming back home. I'm bored as hell out here.
Oh thank Faust. You're coming back? Thank you for listening to sense! I need to tell Tia!
Lulu, I told you he wouldn't listen to you. Stop bothering him.
But sis! He's coming home!
Aye.
What?! Th-that's brilliant! Lulu, you're the luckiest mare alive![/colir]
Did you talk sense into him? Is he coming back?
Yes Cadence, she did.
This is good, Mr Musta-
You, fuck off.
YAY! THUNDER'S COMING HOME!
Pinkie, what are you doing in here?!
To ask him what he wants at his 'coming home because he's not angry anymore' party, of course!
Oh bollocks, I forgot about the others. Eh, I'll see them before the wedding.
You're coming to our wedding, Thunder?
Oh fuck, you stole my coloured text. And yes, I am.
Wonderful! We'll need your rifle skills and intimidation; the Changeling Empire made a threat of invasion on Canterlot. I think we'll all breathe a little easier knowing our little psychopath paid safe, and willing to defend us.
I hope you're not implying you want me to fight off thousands of Changelings all alone?
Why, no! I promised thousands of assassins in a clan a large sum of money if they came to defend. As an added bonus I neglected to tell them, all crimes performed prior to the wedding will be wiped from their slate.
Oh. Well, that's...good. Yeah.
...
...
...
...you've become an assassin, haven't you?
Yep.
Aw, that's stupid.
No, it's not.
You're learning to kill? That's kind of cool. Illegal, but cool.
Killed any rulers yet?
Yeah, I mean there's a few countries I have a particular hatred of. Like the camels, and minotaurs.
You guys are taking this well.
Obviously! Being an assassin is rather helpful to a country's rulers.
Unless I'm killing them.
Yeah, pretty much. Where are you training?
Hidden facility. Not allowed to say more than that.
Well, good for you. I guess the wedding should go smoothly, especially when you nail the queen of Changelings in the face.
That will be...most enjo-
I thought I told you to FUCK OFF.
You cannot hide from us, Mr Mustang. We will find you.
I'll find you first, and hit you in your stupid wrinkly face with a crowbar. How'd you like that, G-Man? Want me to go call the Vortigaunts? No? Then piss off, bitch.
...what are yo-where did that even come from?
I...actually don't know. I shouldn't have played 100 hours of Half-Life 2 back on Earth. Anyway, it was fun. And anyway AGAIN, fuck off G-Man.
Anyway EVEN MORE, you're coming back. When?
Expect me to arrive with the other assassins, a week or so before the wedding.
So...next week?
Aye. Just...I need to make sure of something. Do you promise not to have the other assassins executed on arrival, or when they finish the army off?
Certainly. If that's what you want, then I agree. Lulu?
Yes. Executing the assassins would mean having you executed, and I don't want that.
Good, then it's settled. I'll come back in a week. Do the rest of you mind if I have a moment with Luna?
Not at all. I know what this is about, being a Princess of Love after all.
Cadence, that'll do. Let's leave them alone.

Are we alone? What was it you needed me for?
Well, I was wondering...are we still together?
I don't know, are we?
Erm...yes?
Well, that's good. Because it would be kind of awkward if I rutted you when you came to the castle and we WEREN'T together as a couple. I mean, that'd be weird. Not weird weird, but weird. Yeah...weird.
Well, phew. Because I was worried I'd have to go through the whole flirting process again. That took months.
Yeah.
...
...
...Luna?
Yes?
We're still a couple, right?
Yes, Thunder. Just the way it should be.

-insert entire song and dance about how much I bloody hate trains here-

"Well then, I'm hoping she told you the truth about it." Spitfire snorted, reclining in her chair as the music played around us. It was a Sunday night thing, apparently, to have an evening that felt quite a bit like a 1950's bar party. Being one of the most influential, and rich, clans in Equestria, they had spent the money to have an oak stage, drinks bar, and small restaurant over several rooms, all high in the luxury department.
"Yes, I know for a fact that monarchs lie to assassins." Slide-Back grunted, popping his beer open and chugging from it as he leaned on the bar. "I've been lied to, I killed the liar. Simple as."
"Agreed." Fleur added. She shuffled up, and sat with her forelegs crossed as she leaned on the table. "This is a trap, at least we all know how to escape a situation of this calibre."
"I don't." I muttered. "That, and I don't think that we'd blend in that well if we all trotted into Equestria's capital carrying rifles, pistols, and flamethrowers. Unless, of course, this clan now has some hidden train system that goes directly under Canterlot and into the palace." Fleur giggled, and tapped her chin.
"Well..."
"No, don't even." I groaned. "Seriously though. Do you need me to ask how we'll conceal ourselves from Changelings that are roaming the streets in disguise? Do you? No."
"Why not just ask the Princess?" Spitfire shrugged, lowering her aviators slightly. "She'll probably tell ya."
"Well, it's worth a shot, if she isn't lying to us anyway." I replied. "Lemme get to someplace quiet, then I'll give it a shot." Just as I stood to leave, a hoof shot up and grabbed my shoulder. The owner was none other than Six, smirking at me.
"Come oooooooon." she laughed. "Party just started, and I'm drunk already! Stay for a while?" I looked at her with no emotion.
"Nah." I replied, brushing her hoof off. "Just try not to burst into the dorm with some other stallion, alright? I can't deal with that noise."
"Awwww...ok..." Six slurred, before turning around to go bug somepony else in her stupor. I gave the others a nod, wished them well and good luck with the drunkards, before retiring to my quarters. The only thought in my mind as I left the hall and began to head up the stairs was 'is this really my crowd'?

Yes.

Luluuuuuuu!
Thunder? Still awake at this hour?
That's what she said. Anyway, I have a question.
Is it about you and your little clan?
Yes. Ok, right. So, you're aware of how being an assassin works?
Sneak in, conceal weapons, plan escape, kill target, escape, receive money, buy more weapons?
Exactly. But the thing is, I doubt we can conceal thousands of guns and fire spewing weapons from public eyes and disguised Changelings.
Hmm...go on...
Well, that's our problem. Hundreds of ponies exiting a train carrying weapons is hardly going to get past security, Changeling spies, and Blueblood's dickface patrol. Is there anything you can do? Hidden trains, perhaps? Airships? I don't know?
Well, I suppose that's true. Let me think about it for a while.
Alri-
IDEAAAAAA!~~
That was fast. It's why I love that adorable little brain of yours.
<3
D'awwwww!
Anyway, I think there's the old miners' train down in the caverns under Canterlot. I suppose we could get that one fired up for your group to use. All you'd need to do would be to find that elevator you used months ago.
You know about that?
Of course I do, sweetheart. It's how you avoided an entire village and almost had your side ripped open from acid. Oh, if that happens at the wedding again, I get to preen your wings.
Ahhh, that'll be...sensual. I'd return the favour, even if it doesn't happen to you.
OK, OK, off topic. So, I'll get my Engineers to invent a combustible lemon that BURNS YOUR HOUSE DOWN get the old coal train working again. It goes at quite a pace, if I remember correctly from my visits there a thousand years ago.
Trains are that old?
Yep; the ones you ride for transport are simply renovated and maintained trains that are hundreds of years old. Real trains go damned fast. Well, off-topic AGAIN. This long-distance relationship thing works well for us, because we can read minds. Well, I can enter yours, cause you massive pleasure or pain, mess with your feelings, and if your brain wasn't so confusing to navigate, I could practically control you.
Comes with being a bloody psychopath: labyrinth mind and randomised thoughts. I think I would have been holding out quite well now if I hadn't have divided 100 by 6 on the 10th or 15th day.
That's easy, it's-
Don't even. So anyway, you're sending the train down which tracks to Crowme?
South side of the city, there should be some tunnels that head off in a perfectly straight line. Get your new friends to wait there, and I can get Engi to erect a teleporter drive the train down there to pick you up. Once you're inside the castle, remember to knock before lifting the floor panel. I think my sister and your friend Ebony are dealing with press.
OK, good, we can deal with accomodation later. But for now, thanks: I owe you...?
Do you even need to ask? Massage, if you would.
Of course, how could I forget my marefriend's biggest turn-on?
It was good speaking to you, Thunder. I've missed you.
I missed me, too.

Off we go. Yes, that includes you. You, the reader. Come on, you lazy sods.

I smirked as the train ground to a halt on the rusted rails. The whole vehicle seemed like the train from Skyfall, with loads of carriages loaded with random shit all being pulled along by a large diesel engine. The rest of the assassins seemed confused as to what the train was, but then realised we were supposed to get on it when a stallion popped his head out from inside the cabin.
"Wooooo-weeee!" he laughed in a Texan accent. "Makin' bacon!"
Well, I suppose he's the train's Engineer.
Clearing the thoughts, I lined up to get onto one of the front carriages. Unfortunately for my embarassment-free streak since I came to the clan, I lined up behind Fleur. Seemingly noticing my irritated expression, she got onto the train as slowly as possible, practically shoving her ass into my face, much to the amusement of everypony else. Of course, me being unstable, I pointed my Dhoenix right into her ass and groaned.
"Move."
"Ooohh, calm down." she giggled. "And you know I can quite easily just buck you in the face, right?"
"Yes, I'm aware. But that won't work if your legs are broken with extreme prejudice. Now move." I snarled, cocking the hammer back. Fleur glared, smirked, nodded, and then moved out of the way and onto the train. Smiling, I holstered my weapon, and moved aboard. Inside, there were no seats, instead the carriage was filled with wooden crates, with one plastic chair that had already been claimed. Besides one lightbulb, the place was dim.
I contemplated where I could stand/sit/hang/hide: there were some steel bars hanging from the roof, already the nesting place of the hooded ninja pony. There was the boxes, but those would probably fall at the slightest knock. Finally, I looked at the outside ledge, with a set of railings to hold onto the side of the train with.
"OK, I'll go there then." I muttered, leaping a small box, pushing through some ponies, and latching my hoof around the railing. Down the train, I could see more ponies that were hanging onto the side, and after the final carriage there was tunnel that stretched way off into the distance. It was clearly designed for groups of trains, about 3 or 4, so I wouldn't run the risk of being knocked off the speeding train by a wall.

So, to keep myself up to speed, I had practically missed Season 2 entirely, joined a league of assassins, and was now stood on the side of a train, carrying a Desert Phoenix and a flamethrower on my back. I had pretty much turned into the shittiest OC ever.

The tunnels rapidly opened up after about 10 hours of non-stop hanging onto the side of a train and performing drive-bys on Tunnel Bandits. I recognised everything about the place; it even had the stains from my disintegrated wing from 8 months before! Of course, those were fleeting visual images, disappearing in an instant. The rails were now going over dark chasms, held up by stone bridges and wood.
"People, we're nearly here!" I called over the excited murmurings. "Prepare to depart!"
"Nope." came a Texan accent. All of us froze, and turned to the doorway in horror. The Engineer was stood, whacking a wrench in his hooves. "Gravy."
Slide-Back swallowed hard, stepping forward to look at the stallion. "Who'd driving the BLOODY TRAIN?!" he yelled.
"That Demoman." replied the Texan quite calmly. Another voice from the cabin caught everypony's ears.

"Thanks, mate!" he yelled in a Scottish accent. "Imma take ye all t' the pain train station in train town...snrrkkk..." Then snoring happened, and we all ran around panicking and screaming. At some point, somepony decided it was time to hit me with a crowbar, and I simply passed out, clumping onto the floor.

"Thuuuuunder..."
...whu? Ah, TRIPE. I went unconcious again. Is that the voice of Faust? She's a Spy. EVERYPONY ELSE! FAUST IS A SPY!
"Are you going to wake up any time soon, Thundy? I have your hat here."
"Aaaaaaand I'm up." I sighed, opening my eyes and sitting up unenthusiastically. To my undying, still existent surprise, I was no longer in the dark caverns beneath Canterlot, instead being in a room I recognised all too well. Deep blue walls, enchantingly comfortable bed, dark sky, and adorable blue blob beside me. I was back in Luna's chambers. I 'feebly' reached out a hoof. "Luluuuu..." I said quietly. "Hug?"
The moon Princess light out a light giggle. "Oh, why not?" she asked cheerfully, wrapping both hooves around my neck as I did the same to her. "It's good to see you again, Thunder. Especially when that train ran into the rockface...wow. How are you even still alive?"
"Did anypony else die?" I asked quickly, ignoring her question because it was a rather foolish one that only Pinkie could answer. "Am I the only one left?"
"Why, no! Of course not. The other ponies you came here with are fine, they're wandering the palace and getting their breakfasts. You, on the other hoof, went unconcious, like you normally do when something happens."
"Yeah, lover's comforting words." I muttered, getting a light giggle from my marefriend. "Nice to know you believe in me."
"No, not really." she laughed. "But, now you've done that training with the weapons, you might cut down your 'Monthly Times Passing Out' by 1 quarter. And the others should be arriving in about 5 hours, so we'll all be back together!" I frowned at the memory.
"Yeah." I growled, staring ahead as though the daggers I was glaring could wall-hack. "Back together." Luna huffed loudly, and turned my head to look at her.
"Don't be pissed at them because you refused an operation to keep you flying." she said firmly, "They wanted you to have that operation-"
"Experiment." I corrected. "Experiment. Notice the difference in wording? Op-er-a-tion. Ex-per-i-ment. Both with ludicrously different meanings. You wanted me to be a subject for the latter, not a patient for the former. The experiment could have gone wrong, then where would I be? HM? I'd be the Earth-Pony version of Thunder Mustang!"
"It'd be better than destroying our relationship!" Luna shot back, tears welling in her eyes. "No matter what the FUCK you were, are, or will be, I'll love you no matter what. If you want this relationship to be over because you're too scared to enter that white room, then fine, walk away, I'm not stopping you. But you want this to keep going, you can get your wings amputated, leave them as they are, or be the experiment subject. But know that when you choose the first option, I won't be here when you and your murderer friends get back. Your choice, Thundy." She spat the last word, as though my name were rat poison, she was a rat, I was the Verminator, and...that's where this Rasta metaphor runs outta weed to smoke. I thought hard, hoof brushing my flank in the hopes of finding a weapon.
"Y'know, there's a damn reason I keep a gun on me at all times now." I growled. "It's because of decision making, so I can take the easy option. But you took that away. So I'll take the second option, and leave my FUCKED-TO-GOD WINGS IN THE GODDAMN STATE THEY'RE IN NOW!" I yelled right in Luna's face. The small tears welling up in her eyes flooded out now, and she burst into tears.
Oh shit, what have I done. I thought quickly, unable to take what I'd just done. Shitshitshitshitaaaaahhhhhshitshitshit...think...think, think, thin-gottit!
My idea revolved around putting a hoof under Luna's chin, damp from the tears. I pulled her down to look me in the eyes, then I kissed her like a ~~poor needy lusting bitch~~ gentleman. As though a child reunited with its bottle, she quietened down, forcing her tongue into my mouth, and putting her own hooves around my neck. We went on like this for a few minutes, before Luna flung herself into bed beside me, neither of us breaking contact with our lips. Finally, I figured something out. I broke contact for one moment, Luna's face gasping as though to say 'whyyyyyy...?'
"Shouldn't your sister have knocked on the door by now?" I asked, still catching my breath. "We're about to have sex, normally she knocks before that..."
"Hmmm, yeah." Luna giggled, slowly crawling on top of me. "But for now, I just wanna feel this moment..."

OH DEAR GOD THAT SONG FUCK YOU ALL ITS IN MY HEAD NOW SHITSHITSHIT.

You have been gifted: Thunder's Tooth Kicker.

My sexual urges satisfied, I had a rather invigorating/almost stupidly cold shower alongside Luna, who, of course, was loving every moment of the cooling splashes. The water ran slowly down her neck, as she gently hummed Rick Astley to herself in the knowledge that the water we were showering with would probably curdle and turn into urine due to how much of a PISS-take the song was. (Badum-tsst.)
"Lulu," I shivered, "W-Why is the water so cold?" Luna stoppes humming, and chuckled warmly, warmer than the water at least.
"Well, since you're so worked up over nothing, I figured that you could use a cold shower." she replied, running a hoof up my neck to my chin. "And anyway, you're probably over-heated from that sexcapade. What better way to remove my heat than to have none of the heat?"
"Y-You're in h-heat?" I asked, teeth chattering away.
"Not yet, that comes later. After Hearth's Warming, Winter Wrap-Up, and my birthday!" she giggled, before booping my nose. "Boop." In reply, I took a hoof, and put it behind her head.

"Beep hoop, Lulu." I replied, before kissing her on the forehead. "Beep boop."

"Lulu?" I asked, looking into the empty cupboard that only contained my tattered old hat, and my blood, piss, dirt, ripped, and smoke-stained coat.
"Yes, dear?" she replied from the bathroom, in the manner of a wife talking to her husband as they both prepared for a night out.
"What happened to my clothes?"
"Those? Bluebollocks came in, took everything except the 'infected hat and disgusting coat', and went out to blast it apart with an RPG."
"What a dickhead..." I groaned.
"Don't worry," she called, "I got revenge by putting Griffonian Viagra into his dinner that evening. Needless to say, he came knocking on my door and asking me to relieve him."
"And?" I smirked, putting the two clothing items on.
"I gave him a copy of Playcolt and told him to go fuck himself, literally." laughed Luna. "And don't worry about clothes for the wedding: your friend Rarity's coming up here to make suits before the wedding, since she also needs to take the bride's measurements. I doubt it'll take her very long to make you a suit."
"Depends if she wants to." I answered back, looking into the mirror on the cabinet. "She'll be 'busy' with Fire Trail, if you catch my drift."
"I do." she sighed. "And don't worry about it. They'll probably have gotten over it."
"I hope to hell you're right. I don't play a full house, their ace high'll give me the boot."
"Speaking of boots," Luna said, all of a sudden behind me and leaning on my back playfully. "Look what that Six Shot mare left for you." The sound of magic was heard as I began floating upwards a few feet. Something was put on my hooves, and I was lowered down again. Looking down, there was a pair of slightly furry, brown, buffalo-skin boots, with steel toe-capping. Ha, Thunder's Tooth Kicker. Fuck your Teufort Tooth Kicker.
"Wow." I whistled, giving a few bounces on the spot, the boots clinking slightly. "Warm, my feet are sweating already, and they make me look like a psychopath. I love 'em. I'll go thank Six later." Before I could turn for the door, I was gripped in an external field, picking me up, spinning me round, and leaving me hanging in front of Luna's slightly irritated face.
"Which also reminds me: you haven't been trying it out with that mare, have you?" she asked sternly.
"What? No!" I replied quickly, raising my hooves in defence. "I'd never date another mare unless I had confirmed my relationship with the first marefriend was over. Ours isn't, and I didn't know, so I did nothing." Luna glared at me, before sighing and letting me drop to the floor with a clink.
"Well, I hope not, for your and her sake." Luna growled. For that moment, I was genuinely terrified. I thought she was going to kill me. "You trot along to breakfast now." she said, ushering me away.
"Wait, it's still breakfast?" I asked, confused and slightly shocked. "What time did you wake me up?"
"Umm..." Luna paused, looking into her head for the answer, "...4-5 o'clock? Something along those lines."
"Well, what time does your sister usually come to rape our ears with Rick Astley?"
"...6:15, I believe. That shower didn't take very long, but the sex di-"
Thud thud thud.
"Luluuuuuuu! Time for breakfast!" sang Celestia. I nodded to my marefriend, and trotted quietly to the door, placing my ear against it. When I could hear Celestia put hers against it and lean all her weight on it, I withdrew and opened the door.
"GENTLEMEN." I proclaimed in a slight french accent, loudly and proudly, pointing a hoof to the rising sun through the window. Celestia nearly had a heart-attack, falling straight onto the floor with an adorable squeak of surprise. She panicked, flailing around on the floor, before she stopped, staring at my boots. Slowly, her eyes moved up to stare me in the face, her smile getting warmer the further she went.
"Thunder?" she sighed, standing up. "It's good to see you again."
"Aye." I replied. "And FYI?" I whispered, gesturing for her to lean down. I went to her ear. "You're a terrible Spy, Princess Fallonthefloorafterplacingmyearagainstadoor."
"You too, you too." she giggled, happily accepting my hoof shake.
"Actually, I'm a better at stealth than you'll ever be." I replied sharply. "For instance, you might notice I am now wearing your Royal Neckalce and Crown, having taken them right from you when you were looking at me." I gestured to the golden crown and necklace around my neck and on my head. The two were promptly levitated off my small form, and Celestia groaned loudly.
"Not my fault you're so easy to mug." I chuckled as Luna trotted out of the door. "And beside, it's also not my fault your regalia looks weird when it's on Lulu, and vice versa." And, for the second time in a few seconds, I had taken the goddess' regalia, and changed it for her sister's.
"That'll be enough, Thunder." Celestia muttered.
"I win, Trollestia."
"[censored]."
"Goddamn."
"I win, beeyatch."

Ack, the bitter taste of reunion.

I gained very little attention as I went through Canterlot. Well, for somepony wearing steel-toe-capped buffalo skin boots, a torn-to-shit slouch, and a coat. In spite of the few glares from what I assume were fashion designers, I kept my frustrated glare firmly forward, to where I knew my targets would be. Wow, the name 'targets' or 'target' really changes meaning when your new job is murder. I just noticed that.
Anyway, just as I reached the train station, a train was pulling in as though my stern glare made it go fucking faster. I stepped onto the platform, and began to scan the carriages for the...hold on...11? Yeah, 10 ponies that had taken the piss. Ebony was the only one who listened to both sides, me not wanting the surgery, and the other 10 just being a bunch of dicks about it, and made the decision that I was holding all the cards. And they were all full houses: ace of fours.*
Before any more references to small robots voiced by British comedians could be made, there was a distinctive bouncing sound.
Shit, it's Pinkie.
HI, THUNDER!
Oh, bollocks. It's you.
DID YA MISS ME, THUNDY? HUHHUHHUH?
No.
WELL I MISSED YOU, SILLY-BILLY!
Don't care.
WE-
Say one more word in my head and I will trot the fuck over there and AWP the shit out of your head, then fucking piss petrol onto your corpse and flick a cigarette onto it. Now shut up.
The sound of a rather overly-dramatic gasp of shock came from my left. Smirking slightly, as getting Pinkie Pie to shut up is something I hadn't accomplished for a year, I looked over. Stood outside a train carriage, glaring at me like I was some kind of profanity-spewing psychopathic assassin, were all 10 of the others, plus Spike, who was still awesome. Twilight was stood at the helm, as usual. Calmly, I reached into my pocket, pulled out my second to last cigar, and lit it. As if on cue to make me seem like some kind of G-Man, the train let out a thick jet of steam that washed over the entire platform and created a temporary wall between me and the others.
Taking the chance, I cantered off the platform, and into the streets. From my best guess, when the steam dissipated I'd be gone in a rather creepy G-Man style. Next, I stood beside a market stand that would be a fleeting glimpse when they left the station. Sure enough, Twilight trotted off the platform, talking quite happily to Inferno. Just as I saw her eyes dart to me, and widen in surprise, I adjusted a non-existent tie. I couldn't make out what she said to the others, but it definitely involved them running after me.
"Ugh, merde." I muttered, tapping a hoof on the ground as they began to charge towards me, all looking very determined. Hmmm...I suppose I could talk with them, but where's the fun? I might just bugger them about for a bit, but how...? My eyes fell onto a rather likely looking Dhoenix holstered to my leg, the butterfly knife in my pocket, my standard issue invisibility pocket watch, and a small packet of cigarettes. I still have no idea why they were even in my pocket.
"Thunder!" I heard Twilight yell. "Stay right there!" I chuckled at her order, and pulled out the watch.
"But of course." I replied, pressing the timer on the side of the watch. "But first you shall have to find me. Ohohohoho." The effects were instantaneous: nothing. I pressed it again. Nothing.
Clik.
Clik.clik.clik.clik.
I looked at the small device, opening the lid frantically. It was a normal stopwatch. "Oh, merde." I groaned, facehoofing. The group was approaching fast now, forming a small alley in the crowds due to how recognised they were. Some eyes, however, were on me. And if some eyes were on me, they could see I was armed. And if they could see I was armed, shit.
I glanced around one final time, before I remembered something. The Thunder Tooth Kickers. I looked down at the brown furry footwear. Designed perfectly to fit inside an idiot's mouth.
"Hey!" Rainbow yelled from above. "Don't try anything funny!" Idiot's mouth. Speak of the devil.
"I won't." I snarled, turning and cocking the über-destructive-rear-pulse-shotgun-RPG-cannon-scarab-piston-guns that were my rear legs. "Item testing is a damned serious BUISNESS." After I said that, I let loose the most powerful kick I could muster.
And it turned out I missed, because I was promptly lifted into the air by a certain cyan mare and vanilla mare. The floor said 'kay fuck u bitch imma go away nao', as I was pulled up further and further.
"Put me the fuck down, you ~~damn dirty apes~~ assholes!" I yelled.

"Well, don't try and run, Thunder!" Rainbow shouted back. "We know you're perpetually angry, but just let it g-"

There was a bright flash of blue, as I felt myself free from the grips of two mares and touching land again. I was now on top of a tower, with rather empty ambience coming from a small record player. On the balcony, however, sat Princess Luna, gazing through a telescope.
"So," she began, as I trotted up beside her and sat down. "They decided to attack you?"
"Apparently they didn't want me to run." I sighed. "Thanks, by the way."
"No problem, love." she giggled, leaning over and issuing a hug. "You really do seem to have a way with getting attacked by mares."
"Not my fault. They just seriously dislike my face."
"They dislike your face, I like your ass."
"Aw, you do? Thanks."
"Don't mention it. Now, we need to find a way to stop them from being asses about it."
"I want to shoot them."
"Besides that being illegal, immoral, stupid, and ammunition wasting, it's also rather hard to do when you're pinned to the ground by all 10 of them. What about talking to them?" I put on my Nicolas Cage face. "OK, OK, stupid idea. Why not just greet them inside the castle?"
"Good idea, but Sky, Rainbow, Solar, and Twilight would be highly likely to try attacking me instead. Any other ideas, or is that the only option?"
"Only option." Luna sighed, before pulling me into her using her wing. "I know you don't want to speak with them again after they told you what they really think of you, but are they the ones who became assassins? No. You are, so you therefore hold all cards, chips, and the felt, just because the fabric feels good."
"I think you just earned Quote of the Week, Lulu." I chuckled, placing a hoof on her chest. "Are you going to come with me to meet them?"
"Can't."
"Why?"
"2 reasons. One, I have to keep an eye out for threats. Two, I'm watching two lesbians on a balcony."
"You're into that stuff?!" I spat out my imaginary coffee.
"Kinda." she shrugged, blushing slightly. "I always wondered what it's be like with a mare, but now's not the time to discuss it. You go greet them." I turned to leave. "And Thunder?"
"Yes?" I replied.
"Give me back my regalia."

Author's Note

*Portal 2 reference. Internet shotgun-to-the-face for anybrony that gets it.

SHOOT MEH, MUTHAFUKAAAAA.

After finding out about the rather unusual interests of my marefriend, I checked how much my cigar had burned. Almost half-way, leaving a large amount of ash on the end of it. Good, I could stub it out on one of their shoulders in the style of Gentlebot Hell. (Look that one up on YouTube, sweethearts.) I had reached one of the corridors leading to the courtyard, where I'd assume the others would be by now.
"Hey, Thunder!" I heard a guard yell. I turned, to see my good old friend Aerlion calling me over to a group of guards that were stood in a cluster.
"Aye?" I replied, trotting over.
"So, uh, Thunder..." Aerlion smirked. "We hear you have a new line of work?" All the other guards laughed quietly. "Care to expand on that?" chuckled Aerlion.
"Certainly." I replied. The group seemed surprised. "As you know, there has been a large number of assassins allowed into the castle. I am one of that number."
"Oh yeah, yeah, I heard about that rabble." cut in a guard. I recognised him as one of the two I had knocked out months ago, Serrated Edge. "But if you're an assassin, you'd be armed constantly, right? Like this?" Reaching onto his back, he pulled off a rather large, menacingly Brock Samson-style Bowie knife. Twirling it around in his hoof, as if he were proving a point, he chuckled along with the other guards. "Yep, I've had this boy for a while. Sharp enough to cut through wood, steel, flesh, bone, you name it. And what exactly might YOU, the 'trained killer', have?"
"Flip." I replied, reaching into my pocket, and pulling out the Dhoenix. Most of the guards recoiled and shielded themselves. "Yep. Had this son-of-a-bitch for a while. Powerful enough to drill holes in every single damn thing that moves. And what might your Bowie Knife have, Mr Samson?" Serrated remained silent, then chuckled.

"Well played. Off you go, we can probably discuss weapons more later today." Conversation over, the guards dissipated back to their duties and I went about mine.

When I reached the courtyard, I could see Twilight and the others trotting alongside Shining Armor, talking with him about the wedding. All around the castle courtyard, there was pretty much nothing but guards, all with an expression of alertness. By now, the end of my cigar's ashes were cold. By now I'd wasted enough time contemplating the temperature of the cigar ashes, and so began to approach the group. Lowering the brow of my hat, adjusting my jacket, and breathing, trotted in front of the 12 of them, Shining and Spike included. When I was right behind the lot of them, I cleared my throat and caused them all to jump.
"Gentlemen?" I said in a monotone voice. All I received in return were glares, and a confused expression from Shining.
"Thunder?" he asked. "I didn't think you were coming! Good to see you made it!"
"Likewise." I replied, turning my attention back to the group. "And how've YOU guys been, hm? Oh, I bet your lives were unbearable without me."
"Mine was, Thunder!" Pinkie giggled. "It was reeeeeaally boring without you in Ponyville!"
"Mm-hm." I groaned. Twilight stepped forward.
"Stop trying to change the topic, Thunder." she growled. "What you said to us and did back there was uncalled for!" In reply, I grinned smugly, pulled my cigar out of my mouth, and accomplished my life-long dream of stubbing a cigar onto somebody's shoulder. Then, I put in back in my mouth and rubbed a hoof on her head.
"I missed you too." I chuckled.
"I didn't miss you." Twilight muttered, before speaking up. "Why didn't you listen to us, rather than just leaving? It was stupid of you."
"Was it?" I shot back. "What job do you have?" I received some confused mumblings from Twilight. "WHAT. FUCKING. JOB." I snarled.
"L-Librarian..."
"Really? Oh, well, that's interesting, because I have a new job already despite my broken wing. You know what it is? FUCKING MURDER." There was silence, before they all burst out laughing.
"Y-You're kidding, right?!" Rainbow snorted, leaning on Applejack to support herself whilst laughing. "You're so bad at lying!"
"Am I?" I replied, feigning surprise. "Then how the FUCK do you explain THIS, bitch?" I pulled out Flip, which I had taken the liberty of keeping unloaded, and put it right under her mouth. Everypony froze, Spike didn't know what was going on, and Shining was still confused as well. "Hm? Any ideas on how to explain it? No?"
Suddenly, it was tugged right out of my hoof by a purple aura. Now my weapon was beside Twilight, aimed right at me whilse all the others moved beside her with smug grins on their faces like they'd won this verbal and death-threat argument. "Well, I think you'd better surrender, Thunder. We win." Twilight smirked victoriously.
"You only win a fight like this when somepony's dead." I replied calmly, not even raising my hooves in surrender of any kind.
Thunder, have you gone NUTS?! She may be young, but she probably will shoot you. Just tell them you can talk it ou-
It's not even loaded. She can pull the trigger if she wants, but it won't injure me in any way. All it'll do is prove that, no offense to you, she's a bitch.
Hm, it's a point. But what're you going to do when they realise it isn't loaded?
Do the Harlem Shake Probably buy them a few drinks to apologise, and ask to become a personal protector for the lot of 'em. Think that'll work?
Thunder, you're the man with the plan, so I'm in no position to say if it will or won't. It's worth a shot when you don't get shot.
Quote of the Week, besides one Luna said earlier. Here we go.
"...so, y'all planning to surrender any time soon?" Applejack asked.
"Nope." I replied. Twilight sighed.
"Well, Thunder, you had a good run. But there always comes a time where you have to put a mad dog down." The pistol raised to my head. "I-I'm sorry it had to come to this." I saw a single tear come to her eye, before she closed them. Everypony else looked away.
Klik.
"HAAAAAAA! LOL! I SO TOTALLY GOT YOU!" I yelled, laughing in their faces. Now it was my turn to laugh. I couldn't tell if they were laughing, shouting, or angry, mostly because I was laughing. Then, I stopped and serioused up. "Alright, that was cruel. As an apology, I owe you all drinks of your choosing at the bar, and I can add onto that offer if you want." There was silence.
"Are you kidding?" Inferno said. "That'd be...good."
"Well, I suppose." Twilight muttered, facehoofing. "He's offering us the opportunity to empty his savings by buying us expensive drinks, and he's willing to expand in his apology. Girls?"
"Ah think it's our chance to get some revenge fer scarin' us like that." Applejack replied. "Alright, I'll accept."
"Well, OK." Fluttershy whispered. "I'm not fussed. Whatever's alright with you."
"Certainly." Rarity added. "I, personally, know the most expensive drink in that bar, so I'll buy that. That puts me on even ground with Thunder." Just as Pinkie began verse 42, line 653, Rainbow cut her off.
"I'm not forgiving this guy!" she snorted, folding her hooves and pointing her snout in the air. "He scared us badly, threatened me, and then tried getting forgiveness! No! I'm not dealing with him anymore!"
"Your loss." I replied. "And just when I got to know the Wonderbolts on a personal level..."
"I'm in!" Rainbow said excitedly, flying into my face. "Apology accepted!" Everypony laughed.
"OK, I'm on board as well." Twilight added. "Guys? What do you thi-"
"Nope."
"Negatory."
"Nah."
"Mm."
"Oh, COME ON." I said loudly. "Why not?"
"You threatened my marefriend."
"You're a dick."
"You're always in charge."
"You're too boastful."
"Fine. I was going to add in my services as security for you lot to the offer, meaning you could demoralize me for the rest of the week by giving me stupid tasks, but if that's something you don't want..." I trailed off. 3...2...1...
"Alrighty then!"
"Yes!"
"Aye!"
"Mmhmm."
"Well, we're settled then." Twilight smiled, extending a hoof. "Welcome back to the group, Thundy."

"I hope I'll have the money to pay for later..." I chuckled, shaking her hoof. "Now can I have my gun back?"

"So," Luna whispered as we both lay in the afterglow. "Did you make up with them?"
"Yes, I did." I replied, brushing a hoof through her fur. "The terms of the apology included me buying them whatever drinks they wanted down in the bar-"
"That must have been expensive." she chuckled lightly.
"-and also acting as personal security for them during the wedding. Did I ever tell you ~~the definition of insanity~~ how warm your body is?"
"Well, that's kind of you." she giggled. "Yours is so small and cold, for some reason. Did I not warm you up a few minutes ago?"
"How am I cold?" I asked, reaching down and grabbing my foreleg. To my surprise, it was incredibly cold, almost like ice. "What the hell...?" I stuttered. Luna looked terrified.
"A-Are you feeling alright?" she asked quickly.
"Yes, perfectly fine." I replied, getting out of bed and standing up. "Has this ever happened to anypony you've loved or slept with before?"
"You're the first pony I've loved." she answered, standing up beside me. "We should go look in the archives to see if there's anything on this. Maybe Tia knows something about it, I don't know. But we still need to get you checked out." Quickly, we both cantered out the door and to the castle doctor.

Author's Note

Maybe Michael Rosen knows something about this. It might be a case of DiAHreeAH. (Kudos to anybody who's seen that video.)

My marefriend's a SPAH!

Turns out I wasn't the only pony to have the problem of an incredibly low outer temperature but feel fine. A large group of ponies were sat in the Doctor's waiting room, all alongside their lovers who looked terrified that their own mare/coltfriend might be cold as stone due to unknown forces. I took a seat next to a stallion wearing a gold chestplate, whose lover was wearing gloves and a scarf as she leaned on him and shivered.
"You too, huh?" I asked him.
"Yep." he replied. "Freezing outer body but feel fine?" I nodded.
"Yep, you've got the same as me." I chuckled. "Though I must say, this only seems to have happened to couples? Bit suspicious, especially with the Changelings hiding in Canterlot..." Suddenly, the mare leaning on the stallion's pupils shrank slightly, and began darting around.
Gotcha, bitch.
"I suppose so," he replied with a nod, gesturing to the waiting room. "I mean, look around? There isn't any SINGLE ponies here, I don't think. It's only couples I'm seeing. And, to be honest, some of the ponies that are with their lovers look nervous now. Even you."
"Woah, woah!" I laughed. "Bit of an accusation, mate! Let's not go blasting everypony's faces off just yet, we haven't Spy-checked 'em."
"What-checked?"
"Ah, it's an in-joke, between my friends and I."
"Yes," Luna giggled, "And me!" Oh, shit. Is she a Changeling?
"Really? I don't remember telling you, Lulu." I narrowed my eyes, and so did the guy next to me. "Let's test your knowledge, then. What will Painis Cupcake do?"
"What?" she asked in reply.
"What will Painis Cupcake do? Come on, normally you'd be rifling through the filing cabinets in my head to find out."
"Of course, that's what...uh, I'm doing..." After a second of silence, she spoke again. "He will heat you?"
"Wrong." I smirked. "Next question: is it good to kill a Spycrab?"
"Yes, definitely."
"NOPE. Final question: How did we meet?"
"Oh! That's easy: we had a nice meal together, and I cast a love spell on yo-?" Immediately, I braced myself in case I was wrong, and made a decision that might have ended up affecting my marefriend's foal-bearing ability. I slammed my hoof into her gut, causing her to let out an un-pony-like screech. The whole waiting room turned in shock, some ponies more shocked than others. Recovering, 'Luna' glared at me with eyes glowing a slight green.
"What the BUCK, Thunder?!" she cried with a fake sadness. I grinned.
"Y'all're 'bout t' have a real baaad day." I chuckled, punching my hoof into my other as I stood up. Once again, to the sheer horror of everypony in the room, I cracked my right forehoof into 'Luna's' jaw. A trail of green spewed out, which was the only signal I needed that I could really let loose with this next volley. My hooves were fast as lightning, 'cause I was kung-fu fighting as I repeatedly hammered her face with punches. Finally, after around the 23rd blow, she fired a GREEN bolt of magic at me and sent me flying across the room. When I looked back, the image of my marefriend was now replaced by a battered Changeling, mouth drooling angrily onto the floor.
"Enough, foal!" it laughed, a slight Scottish accent reminding me of Sheogorath from Skyrim. "I've already hidden your Princess, and fed from your love. But well done, on your part, because you stopped me before the headaches began. So no mind control for me, yet. Well, maybe a little." On the last syllable, my hoof moved of its own accord, before socking me in the jaw repeatedly.
In reply to this feeble attempt at injuring me, I lunged at the creature with a minor wing thrust, which barely did anything due to my wing, and threw it to the ground. After a few good right hooks, it was stunned enough that a notification appeared telling me 'FINISH HER!'. Her? I can't hit a-ahhh, sod it. Hope you spent a while strengthening yourself in case you got beaten to death with your own jaw, bitch.

And, to save me from having to put a warning for 'gore in chapter 79' in the description, let's just say that funeral ain't gonna be open casket.

Anyway, when I was done Spy-checking in an über gory manner, I stood up. Turning around, I saw that apparently the other ponies that went cold on the outside were in the later stages of being fed on. Their eyes were now derpy, and they just stared ahead. Meanwhile, the Changelings around began to undisguise and start smiling wickedly at me because apparently I looked tasty.
"Sup, fellas?" I smirked at them, still holding the thigh-bone of their comrade and stained green with [CAN'T SAY IT BECAUSE OF NO 'GORE' TAG LOL]. Oh, and some blood coating my legs, too. "So, where you sending me, lads?"
"Down below." replied one Changeling, as the whole room went green and there was a ring of fire surrounding my hooves. I gestured to the ring, smirking.

"That's pretty cool." I chuckled, before pretending to press a button. "Lift going down. Beeeeep."

"Ugh, fucking Changeling bastards..." I muttered, sitting up in the darkest place I'd been in for a while. I recognised the floor as stone and crystals, but I couldn't see the walls. There was no light, either, except a few slivers coming from cracks in the surface, so I'd have a lot of trouble finding my way out. "The hell am I...?" I muttered. Suddenly, there was a flash of light as the crystals around me illuminated with 'Cadence's' face.
"The caves beneath Canterlot." she replied, smirking. "It's where all the ponies go that try to lead my plan astray."
"Well it's a shitty plan!" I shouted back. "And you realise that I've been here before, right? Despite it being a long time ago, I can probably remember my way out!" She just laughed.
"Really?" she giggled in a grating voice, before seriousing up. "Oh, and just in case you DO get out and start telling everypony, I have to cast a minor amnesia spell on you so you forget it was me. Sorry, nothing personal, it's just my plan to take over a country." The image faded, and so did my conciousness.

Oh shit, this is like...what's it called again? I can't remember...

When I got back up, I was on the floor. I couldn't remember why. I was also in a cave. I couldn't remember why. I stood up, and glanced around the place. It was dark, but I knew the place already. I just couldn't remember why I was there. So, I began to trot towards the old rail-tracks nearby, and follow them upwards. If I remembered correctly, it would lead me to a small alcove, with a hidden lever. Inside, I could nick a lantern and some form of weapon, pull the lever, and head down the tunnels to the throne room. There, I could try piecing together why I was down the tunnels.
After a while of following the rails, with nothing but the low whistling through the tunnels to keep me company, it began to head down again, the correct path to the alcove. Smirking, I rested both hooves on each side onto their respective rails, shifted forward, and let my horseshoes slide me down the rails. It was the most fun I'd had since I lost my wings, and not to mention the fastest I'd ever been going since I got out of bed with Luna that one morning.
When I reached an estimated speed of 90MPH, the alcove came into view. It had a door leading to unimportant places, boxes of equipment, lanterns, and a suspicious lever on the wall. Smiling, I jumped off the rails, landed on my face, and slid on my face until I ran into a box.
"Painful..." I muttered, picking myself up and dusting myself off. I wasn't sure what the green stuff was, but it probably wasn't important. Instead, I focussed on finding a weapon, so I rifled through a few crates. "Pickaxe...femur bone...piece of rock...crowbar. Crowbar?" I murmured, picking the iron rod up and giving it a few swings. It had rust all over it, black ends, and a red centre. "Familiar crowbar." I grinned. With that held in my hoof, I pulled a lantern from a wall with my mouth and held it there, before tugging the lever on the wall.
Grrrrkkkkkkkkkkkkk...CHUNK.
As soon as it opened, I heard something stir down the hall.
SLAM.

Ok, not taking that route.

"Hello?"
Huh? Was that a voice?
"Is anypony there?"
Yeah, a voice. Better find it's owner.
"HELLOOOO!" I called out, putting the lantern on the floor.
"Oh thank goodness, somepony's there! Who is it?"
"THUNDER MUSTANG! AND YOU ARE?"
"Thunder?!?!" In the dark, I could see a mist moving closer towards me, attached to a figure that was larger than me. "Is that you?!"
"Luna?!" I called back excitedly. "Is that really you?!"
Yes, it's her. And me, as well.
What the-who are you?! G-Stallion?! I thought I told you to fuc-
No, it's me again. You know, the first pony who could be bothered to speak with you in your domain?
...Nightmare?
Oh, so now you remember me. You'd probably remember me better if I came up and pressed my flanks against your face. You're still interested in that, correct?
W-Well, I-I didn't know you could even e-exist. Y-Y'know, being defeated by the Elements, and all...
Oh, ignore that garbage, because we both know that nothing can break our bonds, hmm? And just so you know, I can cling onto a concious being and live alongside them in silence. And if you decided to try kicking me out, I don't believe you'd want my wrath, hmm? No, I didn't think so. As I was saying, I have returned in your servitude.
What?! Why?!
Well, mostly due to the fact that you kept me amused as your friends 'defeated' me, and partly because I can't control you, I decided there was nought else to do, but help you on your way. Unless, of course, you don't want my help...?
No, no, I'm grateful, Nightmare, I-I'm thankful you're willing to help. It's just: wouldn't Luna flip if she met you in here? Or, if it's still possible, out of here?
She said she was curious, correct?
Well...I can see where you're going with this...but yes, she did...?
Then we're sorted, love. After this wedding fiasco is over, and Luna is convinced to our 'cause', expect the rutting of your life, from me and your marefriend at once.
Christ, I'm actually hot for you again. Wow.
That happens. Now, you'll just need to know that 'Lulu' is having the same problem as you right now, and can't remember why she's down here. You'll need to tell her the way, so she can fly both of you out of here. Plus, if you can convince her, ask her if she could maybe give me my own body? I miss being able to walk and pleasure myself.
Alright, alright, I'll ask her. And Nightmare?
Yes, sweetie?
Welcome back to Casa del Thunder.

Double the flanks!

"Lulu!" I cried happily, wrapping the goddess in a hug. She was taller than me, but I'd gotten used to it. I could feel her tears gently rolling down my neck. "I didn't think I'd see you again!"
"I didn't know you were down here!" she replied. "But I don't know HOW I'm down here, plus these caverns became haunted after the train crash."
"Well, that explains the things in the hidden passage." I replied, unlocking the embrace. "Anyway, two things."
"One?" she asked.
"I know the way out, but it'll require flying. You do the flying, I can guide, because I can't fly for obvious reasons." I said.
"Well, that's alright with me, as long as we get out of these caves." Lulu nodded. "And two?"
"Nightmare Moon has been hanging onto my concious mind and living alongside me." Luna reeled back slightly. "Why're you worried? She's been helping me along the way, apparently, and if she had her own body would be willing to 'experiment' with you, if you know what I mean."
"I'm worried, Thunder, because she corrupts minds if she's in them for a long time. She's been in yours for a year, slightly less. I mean, yeah, it'd be good to know what a mare's ass is like, or to feel a mare licking my ass, but if I gave her a body for her own purposes, she'd use it for evil. So, bad and good, then."
"Hi, Luna."
"What?!" Luna panicked, frantically looking around. "Who's there?!"
"Me." There was an oddly entrancing feeling as a dark mist poured from my mouth, nostrils, and eyes, before it passed. Stood before the two of us, in the shape of her original self but as smoke, was Nightmare Moon. Her eyes seemed to be normal, except glazy. "Good afternoon, Luna." My marefriend looked terrified, cowering slightly at the more imposing, had sharper teeth, and more evil looking eyes. (And dare I say the most succulent flanks I'd seen for a while. Dayum, I'd eat them cupcakes all night lo-TANGENT, SORRY, THEY'RE JUST REALLY NICE FLANKS.)
"Erm...aftern-noon?" she whimpered. Rolling her eyes, Nightmare reached out gently, so as not to scare Luna, and put a hoof to her cheek with a slight smile. It was so touching, my heart melted. ~~But I don't have a heart. I have a Batheart. Because I'm Batman.~~
"Listen, I'm sorry." Nightmare whispered, moving Luna's head to look at her. "You encouraged foals to face their fears. Now I'm facing mine: The prospect of remaining unloved forever, just a foal's tale. I'm more than that, because we both know I'm Batman that I'm no tale. I'm so real, in fact, that I've pledged allegiance to you two. If you cannot beat thy enemy, join their ranks." Promptly, Nightmare bowed down to Luna, who still looked bloody terrified. "I'm yours to command, Princess."
"Well, first command should be to get a more normal voice." I cut in. "I mean, I know you've remained silent for a whole year, and now you're pretty much a cloud of sentient steam, but the voice will really attract attention. If I might make a request, use the most memorable voice you can."
"Your wish is my command." replied Nightmare. She cleared her throat, concentrated, and spoke again. "How about now?"
"You sound like Duke Nukem."
"Is that good?"
"Nope. Try...I don't know..."
"Use my voice, but in a really sultry tone." Luna giggled. "Pleeeeeease?"
"Very well." replied Nightmare Nukem. Once again, she cleared her throat. "How about now?"
Poomph.
Poomph.
"I sound that hot, huh?" Luna asked, blushing slightly.
"Sounds even better when your ass is in my face," I laughed, "Anyway, we can do this later. Just use your original voice, Nightmare, until we can get you back to the chambers."
"Ugh, very well." She cleared her throat in an incredibly arousing way, before nodding. "Let's get to escaping these caverns. Thunder, I shall be riding in your head." Before I could say anything, the mare disappeared, before pouring into my mouth. A smaller version of me in my head felt willing to obey...then Vaas-Thunder came along and kicked that fucker in the face with a pair of assault boots. I snapped myself out of the trance with a quick shake of my head.

Sorry, that happens. Just, erm, ignore it if an image of my flanks appears in your vision, that's just me getting comfortable. Onwards!

After a rather confusing flight, all three of us managed to escape the caves relatively unmolested (except my poor mind. Nightmare was practically licking my brain and confusing the poor sod), before a swift journey over Canterlot was made. A short landing on the bedroom balcony later, several minutes of shutting the curtains, locking the doors, and soundproofing the room, and Nightmare popped out of my head, giving the feeling again and then turning into the smoke figure and lying beside Luna and I. More specifically, I.
"Well, that was a most interesting series of events." Nightmare said contentedly. She was barely visible in the naturally dark room. "Masters, I'd recommend taking a shower, since Thunder is covered in blood and [NO GORE TAG, CAN'T SAY], while you, Luna, are covered in dirt, soot, and some blood from Thunder."
"Good idea, Moony." I groaned, closing my eyes for a second and rubbing my face. "I'll probably pay the others a visit, just so they know I'm here. Plus, Lulu and I will need to tell them you're no problem now."
"I'm no problem." Nightmare said cheerfully.
"I know. Luna, you want to share the shower with your handsome stallion of a coltfriend?"
"Nah, I'm fine." she yawned, getting up and slipping under the bedsheets. "I'll just leave you two so I can have some rest. And while I'm sleeping, you have my permission to make love..." Light snoring was what followed. I chuckled at the last comment and sat up. 3...2...1...
"Would, erm, you like to make love?" Nightmare asked quietly, looking rather bashful about asking.
"Mmmm..." I looked her up and down. "Would it even be possible, you know, you being a sentient steam cloud?"
"Oh, that can be easily circumvented." Nightmare giggled. "I'll possess Luna again. When I'm in her body, I become the original me. You know, the one you defeated almost a year ago?"
"Yes, I remember." I chuckled, standing up. "You also possessed ME, as well. I don't remember that. Anyway, go ahead with the Luna thing. Just promise to leave her body again? I don't want to have to rut you out of it. I don't have the energy." Nightmare rolled her eyes, evaporated, and shot up the bedsheets, and into Luna's open mouth. After a few seconds, nothing happened, before Luna opened her eyes, they were glowing a brilliant white, lighting up the room and making my adorable marefriend look terrifying. Slowly, she stood up onto the bed, tugging me back onto it with magic and pinning me down. She looked rather insane, so now I knew what I looked like.
"Well, Nightmare, it seems our planning paid off." Luna laughed. "Now we have him right where HE can't do much but feel what-" Luna's face contorted suddenly, giving the impression she was in pain, before her entire body exploded to transform into Nightmare Moon. She looked terribly imposing when you were in bed with her, I'll say that much. "-WE have been preparing him for for the past few hours. Thunder, this will be bordering painful on how amazing this shall feel. Now then: shall we begin?"
The tall black mare smiled seductively, and lunged upon me.

Author's Note

I'm Batman.

Well, Imma go do my job nao.

The next morning, I awoke to knocking on the door, with two things on top and under me. One was barely there, being Nightmare in her smoke form, lightly snoring as her legs hung limp over my sides. Underneath was fluffy old Lulu, bearing the most adorable expression in the world as her leg twitched on occasion, rubbing my chest. I began to roll over to answer the door. I simply passed through Nightmare, who remained floating in the air for a few moments before drifting down and sleeping on Luna instead.
"D'aww, lesbianism." I chuckled. As I trotted past the mirror, I ensured I was at least presentable, which I was because my hair had a contract with VO5 Extreme Styling Gel©, before swinging the door open. To my surprise, stood on the other side was Twilight, Inferno, and Ebony, each looking as though they'd gotten ready hours ago. "Morning?"
"Aye." Ebony nodded. "Heard three voices coming from here last night, two female, one yours."
"How'd you hear that?" I defensively replied. "The room was soundproofed before the three of us began!" I quickly realised my mistake, and winced slightly under three 'alright who was the third?' gazes. "Yes, guys? Can I help you?"
"Who was she?" Inferno groaned.
"Nightmare Moon." I sighed. Three ponies immediately braced up to listen. "She's been living in my head for the whole time, and chose to stay silent. So, when she and Luna made up, they practically dominated my ass last night."
"Well, get rid of her." Twilight said firmly.
"Aww, mum..." I whined. "But she has such a nice ass..."
"She'll turn evil. She'll turn Luna evil. She can't turn you evil, you're already evil." Ebony added.
"That's a compliment?" I asked.
"Yep, you're welcome. But anyway, seriously, what happens when she takes over your body? Like, at the wedding?"
"Hopefully I get übercharged to shit. Anyway, what the hell time is it?" I grunted. Twilight pulled out a stopwatch, studied it, and put it away.
"4 O' clock." she replied, barely even changing her facial expression. "Why? Sorry if we woke the sleeping madpony."

"Nah, it's alright. It's like normal time for me, ever since Luna came into my life." I chuckled. "See you guys at breakfast." Before any more ~~actually quite intelligent~~ stupid and moronic observations could be made or questions asked, I slammed the door in their faces.

"...and that, my friends, is why they call me 'Hammer and Chisel'." Mountain Hide finished, proudly puffing his chest out over the breakfast table. There was a good few hundred assassins around the breakfast diner where Blueblood was sent on the mission of which he never returned, which was bloody amazing that the place fit them all, and this stallion just put a few ponies off their meals by explaining how nopony ever finds the corpses. Everypony was silent, and looking at him like he's crazy.
"You're a psycho." Solar broke the silence. I stood up and pointed at him agressively.
"Don't call him crazy, you've been around me for bloody years!" I yelled, raising a laugh from the ponies gathered. "And in case you didn't know, that Changeling in the Med-Bay wasn't killed by a knife, I killed him with his jaw-bone! Get your facts right."
"Right, right, sorry, just please don't rape my corpse."
"No promises."
"Not to say that I won't, sugar!" Fleur giggled, batting her eyelashes at the unicorn, who now looked interested. Before anything else could happen, a fork flew through the air, in front of my face, and slammed right into Fleur's mane which pinned her to the table. Everypony gasped, and looked to where it cane from. Applejack's eye was twitching in rage, as Princess Celestia facehoofed to add to her tired look.
"Y'all keep away from mah feller, ya dumb tart." She snarled. Everypony immediately went black guy, put hooves in front of mouths, and went 'OOOOHHHHHH!'.
"DAYUM, SISTER!" I laughed loudly. "PUT SOME COLD WATER ON THAT BURN!"
"That a challenge, you mentally challenged yokel?" Fleur shot back, pulling her mane from the fork. 'OOOHHHHHHHHHOHOHOHHHHH!'
"CALL THE FIRE ENGINES!" Celestia cut in, practically dying of laughter in her chair.
"Y'all damn well bet it was, Missy." Applejack growled, standing up from the table and glaring down at Fleur. Fleur did the same, except she was a head taller. Still stoic, AJ faced down Fleur, a look of sheer determination in-
CRAK.
In the blink of an eye, Applejack nutted the white earth mare, who yelped and leapt back.
CRAK. CRAK. CRAK.
Three more times, Applejack slammed her head into Fleur's, stunning the mare that was already staggering with a dazed expression on her face.
"DAAAAAAYUM!" yelled me and my 5 human friends, all throwing out heads back with a typical black guy expression of amazement. Fleur moaned quietly, and fell over onto the breakfast diner floor. Applejack bowed amongst applause and cheering, then sat back down as we all returned to our meals.
"Fucking hell, AJ." I chuckled, reaching out a hoof to bump. "Bit overreactive, much?"
"Mmm...nah." she replied calmly, putting another waffle into her mouth.
"Applejack, that was totally unnecessary." Rarity said sternly, "But brilliant, so that's good."
"Aye." I nodded. "Why don't you ask Spitfire for a job?" Rainbow's ears pricked up.
"Spitfire?" she quickly asked, looking around. "She's really here?" I nodded, and gestured to a table over the room.
"Yeah, she's just over there...?" I said slowly, looking concerned at her increasingly fangirl-ish grin. "You'll definitely be meeting her at the wedding, so there's no real rush." I leaned over to Twilight as Rainbow sat down beside Sky Wheel again. "Is there any rush?"

Twilight just shrugged.

"YOU!" Blueblood screeched, practically charging down the hall and grabbing all attention in the vicinity. He was followed by two angry looking guards, who were most likely angry because he was angry. I'd seen the two before: Lock Jaw and Bow String. I'd bought those two beers, because I had the money for it on one night, so I couldn't see where this was going. The Prince dived at me in apparent anger. I stepped calmly to the side, watching the unicorn practically embed himself into the carpet. I dusted myself off, before helping him to his hooves like the gentleman I am.
"You alright?" I asked, dusting his tie off. He pushed my hooves off, quite violently, and ordered the two guards to stand ready 'in case I try anything'. "Christ, just being helpful." I muttered.
"Silence!" he yelled. The whole corridor had gone silent, with practically everypony in the hall coming over to see what the fuckshart wanted. "You brute! You lying, self centred, over-pompous brute!" Blueblood was up in my face, and to be honest he didn't look threatening.
"Aye, that's me." I replied, dusting my hoof on my fur. "What's up?" To my surprise, he signed his death warrant by apunch to the face. My neck clicked loudly.
"Don't pretend you don't know what this is about, you foal!" he screeched. "You're taking credit for MY invention of guns!" In reply, I pulled out my Dhoenix, cocked it, and caught the round. Next, I pointed to the magazine-release catch.
"What's this?" I growled. He blushed.
"That serves no purpose!" he yelled back, trying to get the crowds on his side.
"Really?" I asked rhetorically. "So, when you're done with the ammunition, you throw the ENTIRE weapon away, and get a new one? I-Is that how they work, then? How you designed them?"
"No, you foal, that's not how they work. For someone trying to take credit, you should learn how the thing you're plagiarising WORKS!" he laughed. Nopony else laughed.
"So, you think I don't know how my own weapon works, do you?" I snarled, "Can you name all the parts of the M-98 Defoliant Projector in a 10 seconds?"
"W-Well, n-no..." he stuttered.
"Gas tube, fuel supply, gas flame connected to a smaller supply of fuel in order to ignite the primary fuel supply into defoliant, armoured piping, heat proof grip, anti-melt steel, and of course the terrifying dragon face, beat that, bitch." I said smugly and quickly, getting a cheer.
"Y-Yes, you think you're all that?" he whimpered, straightening up. "Name the parts of the royal heirachy!"
And so I did. I needed to know them, to know if there'd be a large chain reaction upon the death of the defence minister, for example. By the name of each Royal I mentioned, Blueblood looked even more enraged. "...Princess, High-Queen/King, Faus-"
"I'VE HAD IT!" Blueblood finally snapped, smacking me in the face again whilst clearly using a Hoof Jumper, with minus 100% damage. It didn't hurt, so I didn't react. "GUARDS! ARREST THIS HOOLIGAN!" The two guards behind him rolled their eyes, and trotted towards me.
"Hey, Thunder." Bow String said casually, offering a hoof to bump, alongside Lock Jaw. I returned the hoof bumps.
"Sup, lads." I replied, nodding as the two guards left. Blueblood started screaming some shit about...I dunno, court martialling, execution and imprisonment, a complete removal of their family history, that sort of shit. But since he's technically a Duke, not a Prince, according to Celestia, he couldn't do shit like that. At most, he could issue a 'Royal Arrest', which, to be honest, is just Citizen's Arrest, but for an extra 5 minutes. Oohh, what a privilege.
Anyway, the bastard stormed off, barging through the crowds, leaving me, the rest of the assassins on their way to duties of Changeling Hunting, and my friends, along with the girls.
"Well, that was an interesting plagiarism court case." Spitfire noted. We all murmured in agreement. "Well, off to work, guys. A-Team, get to the rooftops for your briefing, the rest of you...fuck off..." A-Team was me, Rock Roller, Swift Scope, Six Shot, Bush Whacker, and Rooftop. Remember the ninja-pony? That guy, he's Rooftop. He hasn't given his second name, so it mustn't have been important. Our job involved camping on rooftops, and keeping an eye on things. Our gadgets were limited; we were each given pocket watches that allowed for invisibility as long as we were crouched, concealed radios, and sunglasses that could pick up on a few signals a Changeling was somewhere, but otherwise that was it.
"Let's go, mates." Bush said in his Austallion accent, with that and his deep red fur, orange pilot shades, and brown mane causing Swift and Six to moan quietly because he was just that awesome.
"Da." Rock added in his Tigerian accent, following Bush down the corridor with his bulk filling most space.
"Hmmph." Iron sighed, followed by Swift and Six. Iron was pretty miserable and a lone wolf, which kind of reminded me ot Knuckles from Sonic X*. That left me and Rooftop. We looked at each other, blinking.
"Wanna race to the top?" he asked quickly.
"Aye." I replied, both of us taking off at high velocity.

Author's Note

*God, that show is fucking awesome. Best character is Eggman, he turns into Vagineer when he laughs.

Oh, the things you miss when zoomed in with a Sniper Rifle.

As I went past Luna on the way to the roof, we shared a quick kiss and she ushered me on. I smiled, nodded, and began to head onto the balcony. There, I realised one of my problems; I couldn't fly up there. All the other guys in my team were pointing and laughing, even the earth ponies, who were being carried by pegasi.
"Yeah, laugh all you want, you pricks." I groaned. "You're not the ones who lost wings by fighting a creature the size of 5000 Manticores." They all went silent, grumbled, and flew off to the rooftops of Canterlot. To my surprise, as I turned around to leave I met the girls and my friends. I noticed the boys were all in some kind of drooling state.
"Hi, Thunder." Twilight greeted. "Guess who just met Nightmare Moon?"
"You lot." I chuckled, before looking with concern at the lads. "Wha-"
"They looked at her flanks for a few seconds. I think even I kind of went blank looking at those puppies." Twilight confessed, blushing. "But why didn't it happen to you? You did have a three way with her and Princess Luna, you'd have had it in your face."
"Hmm..." Rarity thought, tapping a hoof to her chin. "Maybe Thunder here is far too intelligent to be affected?"
"Aww, thanks." I smiled. Her smile dropped.
"Or too crazy." she giggled, encouraging a laugh. I rolled my eyes, and couldn't help but laugh and agree.
"So, jokes aside, where you guys headed?" I asked.
"To go shopping. We have a few free days before wedding preparations truly begin, so we figured we'd buy some shit." Twilight explained, before looking at Inferno. "But these poor guys won't be ready for a whi-"
"Bombs away!"
SPLASH
I pulled out my trusty jar, and threw its contents over the group of guys and turned them yellow. They shook their heads, before looking over themselves and screaming obscenities. The girls were slack-jawed while I stood heroically over my triumphant piss-throw. As the guys began to run screaming around the halls, the girls stared at me in genuine shock.
"You didn-" Rainbow began cautiously.
"OOHHH, YES." I cut in, staring at the wall heroically. "PISS IN JARS, FTW."
"Why the fuck would you even have that, you disgusting bastard?!" Twilight yelled.
"Because I used to be a boy scout. Be prepared, bitch :D"
Twilight blinked. "H-How did you do that?"
"What? :S" I replied.
"That! It made a little colon and capital 'D' appear above your head!"
"Well, Thunderlane did it, I suppose. So I guess anypony can do it. What happens if I do this? +" Sure enough, when I looked up, a little red cross had appeared above my head. I chuckled, as all the girls tried as well. To their surprise, a whole array of '@', ':O', and '<3' symbols appeared above their heads. "MEDIC! +" I shouted, putting a hoof to my mouth and calling out. "DOCTOR! +! MEEEEEDIIIC! +!"

And thus, 50 minutes were wasted until the guys came back after incredibly long showers, by spamming 'E'.

"Sorry I'm late, lads." I said, lying down on the side of a building and pulling out my new AWP. It was black, long, menacing looking, and had my Cutie Mark emblazoned with some shiny shit on the side. The last part would give a lot of glint off and show where I was, but hey, Swagger beats Jagger, right? Anyway, I set my sights on the streets.
"Y'all are late." Six grunted.
"Aye, but I figured out how to do this. <3" I replied.
"Well, good fer y'all." she groaned. "Like yer boots?"
"Yep, really comfy, thanks. Did you make these from the skin of that buffalo I killed?"
"Yep. He wouldn't be needing it anymore."
"What're you blokes talkin' about?" Bush Whacker interuppted. He had some bloody massive anti-tank/airship/robo-Hitler sniper rifle, pointed at a rather dodgy looking fellow in an alleyway.
"Oh, we're discussing memories." I replied. "Six Shot here made me these rather stylish and comfy boots from the skin of a dead buffalo. So, I need a way to make it up to her. Hey, maybe...a Changeling-Chitin helmet? Or some other protective device made of Changeling?"
"Ornamental knife?" Bush suggested.
"Yeah, that'd work." I nodded. "Thanks, Bush."
"Alright." he muttered. "Right then, let's see what you want with that mare..."
"Cool." I nodded. I looked over to the church tower, to see Rock Roller and Swift Scope looking down on the square. Swift gave a wave, which I returned. She was a relatively quiet mare, making Rock Roller possibly the worst partner ever. His ever beloved tale of the Zombie Pony invasion of Tigeria that he fought in with his bare hooves seemed to do nothing to interest the shy mare. After every time we could hear him yelling 'I will kill you with bare HOOVES!', Swift seemed to squint further into her scope, and look more like Fluttershy before my friends and I began to fuck Equestria over.
"So, how was it?" Six laughed suddenly. My ears pricked up in genuine confusion.
"What? What do you mean?" I asked.
"The three-way, mate!" Bush snorted. "You, Princess Luna, and some other mare! Who's the lucky mare?"
"Ahh, you wouldn't know her." I chuckled to myself. "Anyway, have we nailed any Changelings?"
"Critical headshot on some dodgy pikey in an alleyway." he nodded. "Blew him all across four countries, including Griffonia."
"Did you get an achievement?" I asked.
"Huh?"
"Nothing, nothing, it's a...human joke. You'd get it if you were from where I was from ~~and you'd be fucking dead~~." Just then, I noticed something suspicious leaving the town square. It was a stallion, tugging a cart with a rather liquid-sac like bounce as it went over cobblestone. I couldn't dismiss this, it seemed...too...dodgy. It was just lingering as though I was meant to do something. My boot clinked as I tapped Six. "He looks dodgy." I said quickly. "Wanna stalk him?"
"Y'all read my mind, Thunder." she smirked, standing up. "Bush, y'all think you'll be able to deal with any Changelings that come up?"
"They'll 'ave to deal with me." he chuckled, gesturing to this FUCKING GIGANTIC Bowie knife that was next to him.
"Alright, we'll be back in a while. Make sure t-"
BOOM

Bush fired his rifle, and an un-pony-like scream pierced the air violently. A piece of Changeling soared in the air amidst horrified screams, flew up to our roof, before Bush picked his bucket up and caught it without even looking. "And 'nother one for the Trophy Belt." Before he could quote everybody's favourite Australian any more, we galloped off to hunt down that cart.

"...stop the bloody bomb!" I yelled to the other assassins. This was getting more tense. Five of us, five of them, and they had some weapon designed to knock out the Princesses, and replace them with Changelings. In a rough translation, that means kidnap MY FUCKING MAREFRIEND and try to replace her with some penis backflip of a clone. They'd reached the maintenance tunnel to the throne room, and it was only a few more feet to the bomb hole. My hooves were grinding on stone work as I leaned my full weight on the cart. "Where'd you ladies learn to push?!"
"We must defend the Changeling Honour!" screeched a Changeling.
"I'm protecting my bloody marefriend!" I yelled back. "Touch her, you're fucking crab-cake in the making, you damned shell-wearing-son-of-a-bitch!"
"Puuuush!" Rock shouted. His pushing was matched by that of a Changeling of identical size to him, both with abnormally large muscles. "Push tiny cart!"
"Kill the other pushers!" I shouted back. "Throw a grenade!" As if on some retarded cue, Rock pulled Dmitri out of thin air, and fired a rocket right past my head and to the other competitors. Unfortunately, after killing the other team in a shower of green dog food, the bomb set off in the tunnel. A green gas filled the air, causing us all to cover our snouts.
"Oh, GOD, that stinks of shite!" I groaned. "Get out, back to Bush's place!" Needless to say, the journey to the exit was rather drowse inducing, with Rock having to carry Six, Swift, and Iron with his failing alertness. But just as we did reach that exit, I realised something else was breaking, something that had remained intact for months.

My sanity.

"The fuck 'appened 'ere?" Bush asked, removing his earcovers and looking at the two dead Changelings with newly transplanted jaws in each other's eyes. He removed his eye from the scope, making it difficult to tell how long he'd been looking through it. All we knew was that Six now suffered PTSD, and Swift looked like a psychopath who collected Changeling eyes and put them into a necklace.

I never asked for this.

Knck-Knck-Knck.
I slowly opened my eyes, groaning, and rubbing my forehead. My mane was in place, I was tired as shit, and kind of losing my sanity again, thus my first instinct being to grab my rifle. I ignored the instinct, shook the Lulu and Moony from either side of me, and went to the door.
"Princess? I'm here to deliver your mail, and I must say that most of it's just from creepy guys who want your flanks." Slowly, I cracked the door open. Stood on the other side was Colgate, to my surprise, looking over a pile of letters with reading glasses, and wearing a satchel with mail-mare hat. Her eyes flicked up, and the surprise went over her face as the glasses went off. "THUNDER?!" she gasped, immediately grabbing me into some crushing hug. "Everypony in Ponyville's worried sick about you!"
"Aye." I replied unenthusiastically. "Good to know."
"Well, anyway," she continued, pushing the letters past me and onto a desk by the door. "How's life?"
"Good enough." I muttered, yawning so she might get the picture.
"Oh, you tired?" she asked, bouncing up and down whilst grinning. "I'm not, and I won't be for hours! Chugged 15 coffees, and one of Pinkie's new 'Stay awake Cupcakes'! I'm super high right now!" I groaned loudly, before looking at a clock on the wall. 3:53. Not late, for me. But after sex, it was kind of tiring. "Since your marefriend's asleep, and this is my last stop, you wanna go get coffee or something? It'd be nice to catch up, y'know, after you stormed off into the night and rain."
"Uh, I dunno." I replied, looking at Luna. Curled up next to Nightmare, they looked adorable. And, for this time, like they wouldn't be waking up for a while. "Alright, I guess. Lemme go grab my shit, and we'll be off."
"OK!" Colgate grinned. I went off back into the room, grabbed my jacket and boots, then my hat, finally tucking Flip into my holster sewn into the jacket. That done, I felt more alert as we headed out of the castle. Very few guards, besides the odd security officer, were around, with even less ponies about.
"So," Colgate began, as we exited onto the streets, "What did you do after leaving? Did you come straight up here?"
"Nah." I replied. "Hopped on a train to anywhere, and the other guy in the carriage had a damn good story to tell. We got talking, he said he'd take me and a friend to his place of work to see if I could get a job there. I got the work, and I'm up here in Canterlot on a job."
"Well that's alright, I guess." she smiled as we entered a nearby coffee shop. I forget the name of it, there's just so damn many. We took a seat under one of the only working lights in the store, and some dodgy waitress came over. She looked like a hooker.
"Morning, you two." she purred, batting her eyelashes. I facehoofed. "Sleep well?"
"Well, I didn't sleep." Colgate replied. "I don't think Thunder got much either."
"Oh, so you two are a coupl-"
"NO." we both replied simultaneously. Colgate was flushing red, making her face look adorable.
"Alright, calm down." replied the waitress. "I'll take your orders now."
"Strongest thing you have. I'm tired as hell." I muttered.
"And for your marefriend?"
"I'm not his marefriend." Colgate groaned. "Just a coffee. Any kind, I've gotten used to them all." The waitress narrowed her heavily made-up eyes at Colgate, before smiling at me.
"Of course, handso-"
"I'm already dating Princess Luna." I cut her off sharply. The white unicorn reeled back, before walking off in a state of shock. I felt Colgate tapping my hoof.
"Nice job there, Big-Shot." she giggled. "Anyway, what were we discussing?"
"My job...?" I replied.
"Oh yeah! So I got this job when there was some inquest into the size of hammer I used to break the teeth for bone meal, so I said 'buck it', and found another job. Canterlot mail mare was the one I landed, and I'm satisfied. You?"
"I've told you the story, but not my job." I chuckled. "I'd better not do that. I know at least one pony who'd have me killed for speaking about it."
"Well, sounds dangerous." Colgate looked slightly stressed all of a sudden. I tilted my head, and narrowed my eyes.
"Something wrong?" I asked, tapping her. She shook her head quickly.
"No, no, nothing. Just...nothing."
"It's something, and it's easy to tell. Back where I'm from, I could easily tell a liar, probably because I was so good at it. Now what's wrong?" Colgate sighed, and hung her head.
"Well, I...kinda...sorta...have a very tiny crush on you." she squeaked, before closing her eyes as though I'd hit her. If I wasn't sane, I would have, unfortunately for the toothpaste coloured mare. But since I still had some sanity, I tapped her hoof again.
"It's fine, why did you think I'd be concerned? You like my ass, I take it as a compliment. To be honest, I like your ass, and I bet you're going to slap me now, but Luna will do worse. So I'm fine with it, Colgate." She looked up, smiling slightly. Then, she started looking inquisitive.
"Do you really like my bum?" she asked, giggling and putting on a sultry look. I rolled my eyes.
"Damn, wish I never said that. Yes, I love it, it's perfectly shaped and a great size. And no, I won't be single any time soon, so you keep those puppies nice for when Luna kicks my ass onto the street."

Yeah, RIP.

Later that day, the sun shone brightly in the sky. Great timing weather, today was the day that we truly began preparations for the wedding. I knew AJ was helping with catering, RD was practising her Sonic Rainboom, Twilight was observing the others, Pinkie was doing the reception work, Rarity was working on the dresses, and Fluttershy was working with her birds. I had my job to do as well. But I was still unclear about what the lads would be helping with. I escorted Colgate back to her home so she could prepare for her Bridesmaid job, and I immediately found my way up to the roof I needed to be on. Several rooftops away, I gave Six a wave, and nestled in between an air vent and brick wall. I clicked on a small radio in that spot already, and voices came over it.
"So, how many?" I asked.
"42." Bush replied. "I'm surprised at them. They'd normally've picked up on us by now."
"Aye, it's a point." I nodded. "Think they're up to something?"
"Suppose they could be. But what if they ain't? What if they've sent the biggest dumbasses in their country to come at this city? That'll be bloody embarassing for 'em."
"Yeah, where's your fancy disguising now, bitch?" I laughed. "How many teeth you gathered from them?"
"24 full sets, a few loose molars, a canine, and 4 incisors." Six cut in, her southern twang livening it up a bit. "If I'm correct, Bush has something like-"
"28 full sets, 7 still with attached jaw-bones. Plus, a few assorted ribs, chitin pieces, antennae, one skull with no teeth or jaw, and a spine."
"You're like the Siniver of Equestria." I noted. He looked over at me in confusion. I shook my head, smiling at the memories of that guy. "Don't worry. Human joke."
"Tell me more. Sounds like a compliment." he replied.
"Well, back on Earth there were few things to do on a rainy day. Masturbate, watch the news, or play games on our über advanced PCs, rather than the one Gigabyte versions here. A game my friends and I would play was Team Fortress 2, a team-based combat game with different classes. On one specific server, there was another player called Siniver. A damn fine player as the Sniper class. Never missed the head due to the 'Headshots Only' kills as Sniper, and gloated over every kill. So, yeah, it's a compliment." I looked over, and saw the Austallion smirking.
"So, he reminds y'all of some kinda Sniper from home?" Six cut in. "What 'bout me?"
I thought over that question. "I'd probably say...Seras. Trolled everybody, gave out gifts to good friends, and was generally fun. So, another compliment. In fact, she gave me a gift in-game that is extremely reminiscent of these boots. 'Teufort Tooth-Kickers' they were called."
"Hmm. Nice." she replied. The rest of that afternoon was spent in almost utter silence, besides Six warning Bush of a Changeling sneaking up on him.

At dinner, the lads, girls, and I decided against castle dining, and went down to a nice restaurant. We were even lucky enough to sit outside. Everypony there was cheerfully talking, the sun was setting, there was a band playing, it was all amazing and lovely. I also had a new necklace, one I made for everypony A-team using Bush's collected dismembered body parts and some wire. It was stylish, and after some large amounts of disinfectants, we could wear them.
"Cadence isn't the Cadence I remember anymore, because now she's a total bitch." Twilight grumbled, leaning her head on the table and into her hooves. "And besides, the way she treated you guys? Something's going on!"
"Well, she did say one of my birds was off key..." Fluttershy noted, before pulling out a tiny red bird that SCREECHED LOUDLY AND MADE ME WANT TO KILL IT WITH PETROL.
"Christ, you're right." Ebony chuckled. "Plus, I said I was the suitor of Celestia, and she said she'd never met me before. As it turns out, I'd spoken with her at a Royal dinner dance last week."
"Y'mean when I was learning to kill?" I asked. "Yeah, I was told she would be there. Never met her until today, and she's a total bitch."
"See?" Twilight sat up. "Thunder agrees, and he's crazy. Thank you Thunder!"
"I never thought you'd ever say that." I laughed, before reclining and looking around the street. Foals played, couples enjoyed the evening life, and carriages trotted up and down the inclined road. The food was ordered, so what rush was there? Just before I turned back, I caught a glimpse of the waiter 'collecting' our food from the counter. He glanced over his shoulder, flicked his eyes at our table, and pulled something green from his pockets. Then, when he thought I wasn't looking at him in a window reflection so as not to blow my cover, he planted it in the salt shaker. All of our side orders? Chips. All of us had salt with chips, I already knew my friends. The waiter put the cap back on the shaker, before bringing the tray to us with a fake smile.
"Enjoy your meal, guys." he said politely. My friends all said thank you, but not me. As soon as he was out of earshot and wasn't looking, I grabbed the salt shaker as fast as I could.
"Hey!" Rainbow said angrily. "I was gonna take that!"
"Yeah, you were also gonna be poisoned first." I replied. I pulled the lid off, and inside was a green, putty like substance slowly being absorbed by the salt. "Damn Changeling." I growled, showing the others the contents. Mixed looks of shock and confusion played over their faces.
"Well, ain't that some shit." Applejack sighed. "Another attempt to take us away? Them Changelings ain't givin' up."
"W-Wow." Rainbow gasped, looking guilty. "I-I...wow. You saved our lives."
"Yep." I nodded, before pulling out Flip, checking its ammunition, and holstering it again. "And now I'm gonna go take another." I stood up. "Bill's on me. I have buisness to take care of." I threw a bag of coins on the table and left the table in a hurry, before the 'waiter' could deliver more food.
Entering the café, I saw him leave through a side door that I knew led to an alley. Without attracting any attention, I followed him. If I'd have turned around, I would have seen the other 'waiters' glaring at me and coming up with an excuse to leave. I left through the door and looked around. The changeling was sitting down in front of some mirror at the end of the alleyway, behind a dumpster. The other way down the alley was blocked by a fence, so nopony would see him. I crouched down, closed the door silently, and began to sneak towards him.
"My queen," he began, with a light filling his segment of alley. "I have issued the poison now."
"Good." replied a female voice. "If the alchemists have earned their share, then those foals should be Changelings by the end of this week. Then who can stop me?!" Then, she began laughing. I decided to make my presence known.
"I will." I replied, before calmly drawing Flip and nailing the shocked Changeling inbetween the eyes. Green stuff spattered the wall behind him, and I began to head to the mirror. Once I reached it, all there was to see was a pair of green eyes and a white set of fangs.
"You?" She asked, frowning. "I got rid of you in those caves!"
"Yeah, you did. I'm here to piss you off again." I shot back, not changing my facial expression. I felt like Adam Jensen for some reason.
"Well, I suppose your friends won't be Changelings now that you'll find an antidote for that poison."
"No need for an antidote when there is no poison. I saw your minion putting it into the salt shaker. Convincing, if I hadn't been there they'd be part of your stupid race by the weekend."
"Hmmph. Well, you still have no idea who I am or when I will win, but I know when YOU will be killed. Good luck, foa-"
I shot the mirror.
"Yeah, RIP." I grunted. I turned around to head back to the table, but obstructing my path were six waiters. It was obvious they were Changelings, judging by the green flashes in their eyes. I looked at my gun, then at them. "Damn. Five bullets, 6 of you. Which one of you wants to put his head behind another guy's so I can kill two of you at once?"

"Thunder," Luna began as the three of us lay in the afterglow. "How can you see how somepony's a Changeling?"
"Hmm, yes, I've wondered that as well." Nightmare added. "How can you do such a feat? Not even I can tell, and I watched the ponies who were Changelings for a while." Preparing to do a shitty reference, I looked at the invisible camera in the ceiling.
"My vision is augmented." I replied.

Author's Note

I never asked for this.

A quick trip home to collect a major part of my personality, and...

"So, Thunder, what're you doing today?" Twilight asked at breakfast the next day. "I think you've earned a day off, y'know, after saving us from turning into chitin and antennae?"
"Woah, woah, I have a free day?" I asked cheerfully, pumping a hoof. "Ace high!"
"Your plans are what exactly?" Fire asked. "You've got a good while to burn. Why not head down to Ponyville? Show everypony the new Thunder?" I considered this. I did have quite a few friends I left in Ponyville, the Prototype Afterburner included, AND that clone of me that hid from public view. To be honest, I was actually getting to like that guy.
"Well, I suppose." I replied. "Need to go pick up some ordnance at home, anyway." Inferno looked up.
"Oh, you didn't know?" he asked calmly, "We emptied all your shit into the shed. We're renting your room out to couples as a romantic room." I promptly let my hoof plant itself into my forehead.
"Fuck."
"Yes, they do quite a lot of that."
"Well, who the hell are you talking about?"
"Thunderlane and Flitter." Solar cut in. "Y'know, your other best friend and his marefriend. I spoke to her, she's like you, she's slightly nuts."
"She sounds fun. I'll probably meet her down there. Anyway, if that's all, I'll tell Luna I'll be away for the day, and tell the co-workers I'll be getting some weaponry, and be off."
"Try not to spend too long with Luna and Nightmare Moon. Don't want to spend your day doing what you do at night." Rarity laughed, prompting everypony else to join in as I rolled my eyes. "As fun as it may be with the two of them!"

After a goodbye kiss (and certainly not an extremely wild sexcapade) with Nightmare and Luna, I hopped on a train back to Ponyville. It was an uneventful ride down, only a dozen Changelings came at me on top of the train, and it involved a fire axe, but you don't need to hear about that. Anyway, I decided to act as casual as possible. Boots were on, jacket was off, hat was off, lovely weather, and literally everypony was outside enjoying it. I could remember the way back to my house, so I headed off.
As I went past the restaurant, a whistle caught my ear, followed by female giggling. Looking over, I could see Cheerilee, Bon-Bon, Lyra, Vinyl Scratch, Octavia, Rose Luck, and Colgate, unsurprisingly having another girly day. I smirked, and trotted over.
"Well, look who it is!" Vinyl laughed. "Been a while, Thunder!"
"Aye, it has." I nodded, chuckling. "A fortnight."
"So where did you storm off to?" Cheerilee asked. "After all, the Princess' suitor disappearing made national news!"
"Ah, you know, the usual. Hop on a train, go adventuring around the country, and such like." I moved a booged hoof for emphasis.
"That where you got the boots?" Lyra asked, leaning over and poking them.
"Nope. You know when I got hospitalized after a trip to Appaloosa? The mare that helped me on sniping duties made them, using the skin of a buffalo I hit. And, surprisingly, they're quite comfortable."
"Oh, you're the handsome rogue Vinyl was talking about a while ago." Octavia cut in, raising a cup of tea. She seemed incredibly British, and the grey mare was actually rather pretty. "Apparently you've done almost all of it, all over the country! What's that like, hmm?"
"Fun. That's one way to describe it." I laughed. "Helping the Elements, courting a goddess, attending the Gala, all that guff. You know, I came from a place that had a stereotypical accent, and it sounded just like you, Octavia." She looked confused, so Vinyl tapped her on the shoulder, whispering something into her ear. Octavia looked more like she understood now.
"So you...come from a dimension different to ours...and I sound like the people of your country?" she asked. "Right...certainly sounds interesting."
"That's nothing. Griffonia? Their accents sound French. Austallions? Australian. Eagland, England, Germaney, Germany, the list goes on, every place name here is either a pun of our country names or our country names are a pun of yours. It's crosslinked!" I said. "Plus, Manehattan. Manhattan. New Pork? New York. Shanghay? Shanghai. Even city names. Everything links up, it's amazing!"
"So...we were effectively connected via an inter-dimensional link, surpassing the laws of space and time, whilst somehow linking our dimensions via a Faustly trail!" Octavia smiled.
"Exactly. If I was more sane, I'd know what that meant! But yes! That!"
"Octi, I didn't know you were that smart." Colgate said, looking relatively amused. "Where were you educated?"
"Eton College." she beamed. "I was head of my class in the cello. Thunder, dear, might I ask where you were educated?"
"A school where I punched a lot of people." I replied casually. "Mostly because they were assholes, but partly because it was adolescent humour to smash your friends in the arm. It happened to me, I shrugged it off. Head of my class in Computer Studies, and master of Photoshop."
"Photo...shop...?" Cheerilee trailed off.
"Image editing software. Like the kind they use for mares on magazine covers: remove bruises, make things bigger, smaller, put in an image and make it look like it was there when the picture was taken when it actually wasn't, that stuff. It was fun."
"You know, I was in a few magazines." Vinyl boasted. "Dunno what ones, some guy just took loads of pictures of me." I looked at the girls, and we all had the same devilish glint in our eyes, and the Mr Bean smile.
"What kind of pictures?" Octavia smirked, leaning in.
"Dirty pictures?" I added, leaning in as well.
"No, no, pictures of me behind my deck!" Vinyl said quickly, going red as we all laughed.

I entered the shed. It was dark and musty. All around were tools, gathering dust and webs, a workbench that hadn't seen action, and sat on that, glinting wickedly in the low light, was my target: the Prototype Afterburner. This one was different, since it also had the function of spraying petrol from a seperate nozzle to keep the fire stoked. However, just as I turned to leave, something shifted in the back of the shed. An animal? I looked over. Gathering dust, like everything else, was my clone, curled up in a corner like an unwanted dog. He was either sleeping, or he'd just twitched after he died. I slowly approached him.
"Bro?" I asked. "What're you doing here, I thought you'd be up in Canterlot!" Slowly, he looked up, an expression of sadness on his face.
"Really?" he sighed. "You disappear for 2 weeks, leave me behind, and wonder why I'm not sleeping with your marefriend? And that wedding, they didn't even let me come with them, not even to help. To be honest, there was nothing for me to do, except hide here from public view and wait for you or the others to come look for me."
"Well, I found you." I smiled, before pulling him to his hooves. "I'm headed up to Canterlot, I received a day off from my job and the other guys as their bodyguard. I think I can split the pay both ways. But we'll need to do something about your appearance, so ponies don't get confused. I think maybe some streaks of white in your mane and tail wouldn't look too bad."
"Agreed." he nodded. "Should probably do that, avoids confusion. Oh, reminds me, have you met any mares that liked you in a sexual way?" I put a hoof over his shoulder with the Afterburner slung on my back.
"Well, there's a couple." I smirked. "Potentially more. With you safe 'n' sound, I suppose we'll be back in the buisness of bro-hoofing and booyah-ing."
"Would one of them be that pretty mare with the grey mane and music note for a Cutie Mark?" he asked.
"Octavia? Maybe. What about the light blue one, deep blue mane with white stripes? Colgate?" I replied.
"Ohh, she sounds nice."
"Aye, she damn well is. Let's talk about this later, when we're up in the Princess' chambers with Nightmare Moon and Luna." I felt him look at me when the words 'Nightmare Moon' were mentioned.
"She's still around?" he asked excitedly as we reached the train station. "Is she still hot?"
"Yep."
"Then let's go. I have plans to accomplish when I get there."

"Thunder," Luna panted, putting her head on top of my head, "What happened to your clone and Nightmare?"
"Oh, y'know..." I replied breathlessly. "Stuff. But, I still have you." I sighed, placing my hoof on her chest. She nuzzled against me, increasing the temperature of my body.
"Yes, you do. And with that wedding and planned invasion coming up? I think we'll both need each other as much as possible." Luna wrapped her wings around me, pulling me close to her. I smiled.
"Damn right we will."
After a vigorous, incredibly intimate session of massages, making out, and sex, we were silent. In idleness, I flexed my wing, which rubbed against Luna's ass. Suddenly, she practically flew to sit up.
"Thunder, your wing." she said quickly, grabbing the sensitive appendage. As ever, it had the large hole in it, and as she poked it, I grew more and more concerned.
"Yes...what about iiiIIIT?!?!" Luna suddenly, without warning placed her tongue against the wound edge. It didn't sting, oh no, it felt glorious. "LUNA, WHY DID YOU LICK ME?!" I whimpered.
"Because your wing seems to be in ideal condition. Tomorrow, we'll go down to the labs. They've been working on augmentations, prosthetics, whatever you want to call them. We shall see if we can get something fitted to fix your no flying issue."
I never asked for this. was all I could think of at such a sudden idea. Then, my mind had another idea.
"You know..." I started. "When your tongue caught a feather, I felt amazing. Can I do it to you whilst you do it to me?"
"Of course. If we get the opportunity, you'll have wings stronger than any pegasi, and we can do it as much as we want."

What a shame.

Author's Note

Yeah, RIP.

Meet the Doktor Schadenfreude. I'm serious, that's his name.

The group of us, consisting of Cadence, Celestia, Luna, Shining Armor, the girls without Twilight, my clone, the lads, and me, were making final preparations in the hall of the wedding. It was dull buisness for me, so I idly slung my AWP over my shoulder and let my eyes wander from window to window. I had this weird itch to smash them all, but I didn't know why, so I ignored it. I scratched my head and trotted casually out of the hall. Before I left, I leaned in.
"Just going for a wander, be back in a few minutes." I explained. Rarity nodded, before turning back to her conversation as I left the room. As soon as I turned around, though, I was almost knocked over by Twilight as she cantered in looking determined. Frowning as she didn't even stop to apologise, I dusted myself off and followed after her. I returned to find her shouting at Cadence, over something about her being evil.
"How could you say that?!" Cadence cried, running out in a flood of tears. Shining said something to Twilight angrily, before running after her. The girls, guys, even Inferno, and Princesses left without saying a word to her.
"Did I miss something...?" I trailed off. Instead of an answer, my clone stopped, before delivering a bitch slap. It didn't hurt, but it was funny. "Come at me, bro." I laughed, turning and slapping him in return. As we both left Twilight to her angry thoughts, my clone and I repeatedly slapped each other, because it was funny. Of course, it was all fun and games until Celestia delivered a SHIT POWERFUL slap that threw me down the hall, before I embedded myself into a nearby wall.
"I win." she called after me. "And here's your knife you dropped!" I heard magic charging, and in the blink of an eye my knife was fired right in front of my snout. I don't know what happened after that, but I think I fainted because I almost died. Yeah. That probably happened.

Later, after I had got up and received an apology flower vase from Celly, I followed Luna to the labs as I promised her after she preened my wings in a sexual manner. It was a shiny place. Quite a few white walls dominated the facility, and behind glass walls were test subjects testing experimental devices for protection, recreation, and other purposes. She led me through a few corridors to an office.

Doktor Schadenfreude

"Dr Schadenfreude is in charge of substitute limbs." Luna explained. "Does surgeries in a few minutes, painlessly, and converses with patients to keep them amused." I thought over who that reminded me of. "Don't worry: he knows what he's doing." As we knocked, I could see a look in Luna's eyes that said 'I hope.'
"Hallo!" called a cheerful Germane voice. "Come in, frauleins!" We obliged, stepping into less of an office, more of a surgery room. In the centre of the dark room, there was a bed, stained with blood. All around lay items that wouldn't be out of place in a robot lab, and connected to the ceiling, there was a large machine, incredibly familiar at that. Speed-Repair. Speed...fast...quick...repair...mend...fi-aw, shit.
"Princess!" smiled a cheerful stallion. He had circular rimmed glasses, and a cream tank top, underneath with a shirt. On his hooves, there was blood, and he had white fur and a black mane. With his red cross cutie mark, I could see a HUGE resemblance to a much loved German doctor. "It is good to see you again! 1000 years has done you no damage, hmm?" He moved forward, issuing her a friendly hug.
"Hello, Doktor." she smiled, returning the gesture. "The same could be said for you! Still as young looking as I remember you a thousand years ago!" WUT.
"You know each other?" I asked in shock. The pair nodded.
"Yes, we were best friends. Probably still are. Doktor is one in a million: an immortal earth-pony. Last time I saw him, it was before I was corrupted, having a problem with my horn looked at." Luna explained.
"I think we both know how that turned out." Doktor chuckled. "Anyway, now that reunions are done, how can I help you, Lulu?" Luna smiled, and picked me up with magic. My wing was spread out, and put in front of Doktor. He narrowed his eyes and adjusted his glasses, before reaching out with both hooves, pulling the hole wider and examining the wound. It hurt slightly, but I ignored it.
"Well, Dok, we were up in the mountains, when Terramorphous attacked us. One of the rocks he can throw went straight through Thunder's wing, and he refuses conventional surgery in public hospitals." Luna replied. "Think you can help?"
"Ja!" he laughed, cheerfully picking me up onto his back, dumping me on the surgery bed, and not even bothering to strap me down. Luna was doing that with magic, and giving a reassuring smile. The Me-erm, Doktor adjusted his glasses, and turned on the heal beam. It was ridiculously underwhelming in feeling, but thankfully I couldn't feel my internal organs. "It's good to know you still trust the good Doktor. None of these underpaid 'nurses' and whatnot." I felt something being pulled on my back, and I looked. He had sawn off both of my wings, dumped them in a bucket, and was now holding my heart. He looked at me as he rolled me onto my back. "So, how did you come into this world?" I blinked. He knew?
"Ho-how did you know?" I asked.
"Because I know a human when I see one. Oh, can you hold this for a moment?" Doktor placed my heart in my hooves as he used both hooves to pull out something. "Anyway, I came during the...1950s, I believe. When I arrived here, I decided to go get a job using my existing expertise, but without equipment, I was slightly doomed. But, I noticed later that things...dropped. Like my old television, a few recording devices, and this." He patted the machine emitting the red beam. "It gave me fame, for a few years. Then, ponies realised I was immortal, and all was not good. So I hid for a few years, performing acts of surgical precision like this, until I was given a job offer here. Could I have the heart back now, please?" I gave him the organ, and he 'augmented' it.
"So, how'd you survive this long and look so young?" I asked.
"I have no idea." he replied. "This is how I looked when I arrived. I assume we don't age here, so that's good. What year was it back home when you arrived?"
"2013." I replied. "My friends and I went for a walk in a forest, and somehow ended up here. Some tech we brought with us is now publicly available, like guns. So, after a few adventures, things went serious. I toughened the hell up, that's for sure. At one point, I practically cried when I got kicked in the head, but now I reply with my gun. Ahh, how I've messed up Equestria." Doktor was silent. Before speaking.
"So, not many ponies know this, Lulu is one of them, but I had a pretty good job back home, ja." Doktor put my heart back in place, before marching to a cupboard, and pulling out possibly the greatest thing I'd ever seen in my entire life: a Syringe Gun. "BLU Team Medic, supporting class for the entire 9 of the team. I remember how it was in the heat of battle; rockets were flying, sand exploded everywhere, I fought well! Ja, those were the proudest days of my life!" Doktor stopped posing, before sighing. "The team was disbanded. After the robots attacked, BLU team was just...gone. They dumped money on us, and told us not to talk. I never saw the other members again, and I most likely never will."
So...that's the ending to TF2? BLU team disbands? Just...that's it? Depressing. Never played much as Medic. I think the only hats I had for him was an Otarynogolist's Mirror that I crafted with a Doe Boy, and a Bill's hat. He didn't see much action...what if I tell him about TF2?
Don't even.
Aww, come on. It might make his day to know that years after his team was disbanded, people played as him in a game and enjoyed it.
You know the theories of space and time?
Aw, dammit, not those shitey laws again. I get it, I'll keep quiet.
"...well, anyway, that's your heart prepared for the wings." Doktor nodded, smiling at his work. He placed his hooves on his hips, which left red stains upon the clean top. Before I could ask why I needed the heart thing, my chest burst open. Looking back up at me, and cooing curiously, was a small white dove. "Archimedes! No!" Medi-DOKTOR said frustratedly as the live version of my desk mascot* flew away. Luna was now stifling laughs. "He does this EVERY time. I don't think I've had one patient who left without having Archimedes in their chest once!"
"What about Luna?" I asked.
"Yes, he seemed to like me." she giggled as a small flock of doves landed on her head. I thought about how amazing it would be if there was a picture of Luna with Archimedes on her head, and smirked. I received a sudden tap.
"Was ist das?" Doktor asked. He raised a hoof, and in that hoof was a small rectangle, covered in cartoonish blood. I could make out some buttons on the bottom. I let my jaw drop.
"Let me see that." I said quickly, grabbing the device. If it was what I thought it was...shit.
It was.
It was my old phone.
"Thunder, what is it?" Luna asked, trotting over as I wiped down the screen. I carefully pressed the on button with my hoof, and after a few seconds my ever beloved wallpaper came up, a Pyro burning shit to the floor. I unlocked it carefully, and checked the home screen.
'1266 unread messages, 1774 missed calls'
"This is a phone?" Luna asked. "You carried this all the time? You could have used this so many times!"
"It was in my ass, I don't think I'd have said 'hold on, I'm getting a call, let me just pull this out of my arse', would I?" I laughed. "But yeah, this is a phone. Wanna reverse engineer it?" I asked Luna. "You go tell the lab-boys, I'll finish my surgery."

A lot had happened during the surgery. The others, minus Twilight, came to visit me while Medic rewired my nerves to my new wings, and the lads were pretty excited to meet the Medic.
"So, you keep the patient awake during surgery?" Fire asked.
"Ja." replied Doktor cheerfully. He had moved onto my second wing, after 4 hours of stitching one in. "It keeps them amused, plus I have someone to talk to! Just like back in Drogentote! Was that in the game you talk about?"
"Yep, as a fan-made map." Inferno nodded. "You were Fire's favourite class, and he had a lot of hats for you."
"My favourite class was Sniper." I added in. "Übercharging Sniper was the worst idea anybody had, especially when I played him."
"Not my finest moment." Doktor chuckled. So the conversation went on like this for hours: we finally met Fire's hero. And by the end of the night, I looked up to Medic because of what he'd been through.

Author's Note

*Archimedes plushie. Check it out in the Valve store, it's adorable.

I don't like weddings much, but WATCH THIS, THIS IS BLOODY AWESOME.

"...and that looks good there..." Doktor murmured in his German accent. I felt some stinging as he used a needle to sew up the gaps, but I didn't care: I'd be flying again! And I was augmented! "...aaaaand....oh. Well, that looks good. Up you get, mein human freunde." Doktor (Who shall now be known as 'Medic', because that's what he is/was), pulled me to my hooves, and dusted some congealed blood from my body. "Take a look at your über-wings!" I looked back, and saw that my wings had been replaced with a sleek pair of synthetic-carbon-alloy-insert-other-sciencey-words-here devices. I couldn't even feep that they weren't my original wings, probably due to the nerves being connected to them. They really worked well with my blue fur, and the tiny little beeping noises they made when I opened them fast reminded me of a sentry when it decides to turn you into a dead body. Even greater were the tiny green lights on the ends.
"Wow, thanks, Doktor!" I said cheerfully. At my exclamation of positive energy, the lights glowed brighter. "Mood lights?" I asked, looking to the white earth pony. He smirked, and nodded. "What're these made of, anyway? Thought this type of technology wouldn't exist in Equestria."
"Well, no, heh." he chuckled, adjusting his glasses with a bloodied hoof. "But I suppose I have Engineer to thank for these materials and advancements." He raised his right hoof, and gestured to a window with the lights on. Next to it was a door, leading into a room containing what I could only assume were disassembled BLU Level 3 sentry guns. Around them lay pieces of dispensers, and on a workbench was a teleporter blueprint. I was utterly in fangasms: I had been operated on by Medic, almost killed days before by two ponies that were extremely similar to Demoman and Engineer, and now I had wings that were made of disassembled BLU team equipment. It felt glorious! "So, where are you going now?" The question took me aback.
"W-Wait. You don't want some form of payment?" I asked. "I can give you money, if you want?" Medic simply raised a dismissive hoof and laughed.
"Nein, nein, no payment required." he laughed, before leading me towards the door. "Just knowing that my adventures aren't forgotten by now is compensation enough, and being able to practise surgery on a live subject is good, ja."
"Well, anyway, thanks Medic." I said politely, turning and shaking his hoof. " I hope my visits here are limited in the medical side, and more on the social."
"Ja, ja." he chuckled. "Oh, are you going to the wedding tomorrow?"
"Yep." I replied. "Also part of security." Medic smiled.
"Well, if some dummkopff shoots you, give us a call, mein freunde. Because the healing is not as rewarding for me as the hurting!" We both laughed at the joke, before wishing each other well and heading off to do our jobs/research/murder/doctory-things.

I found out a few minutes later that there was obviously more to these wings than I had thought. At first, I assumed striking a pose would get a few gasps of amazement at them, but it also meant that a powerful light, orchestral choir sound and fog machine activate an almost 'Meet the Medic'-esque light behind me. Plus, they saved my life a few times when I was heading for the coffee shop where the girls (minus Twilight, for some reason) and the boys had opted to meet me at. Several muggers thought it would have been intelligent to try stealing my new wings as I trotted through a few back alleys, each armed with some cheap gun, or a flimsy knife. Instead of catching me by surprise, my wings let out the sentry beep, and I think some ponies won't be walking for a while.
Anyway, once I reached the coffee shop, it turned out to be the same one I had a morning with Colgate at, and the one that had a slut of a waitress. I could see it was nearly empty through the windows, and that the others were sat at the back of the place. I decided at that moment to strike 'the pose' as I opened the door. A choir signalled my arrival, as well as a large amount of white light and some fog. I could hear the sound of 4 pegasi jaws dropping, and a small clap from the others. Satisfied my entrance was good, I went over and sat beside Rarity.
"Afternoon, all." I smirked. The pegasi jaws were still dropped. "What? Did Medic forget the doves?"
"Archimedes?" Fire said in his best German accent. We both laughed at the little pop culture reference, before the ever-opinionated Rarity joined the conversation.
"Well, darling, I think you look smashing." she said in her British accent, whilst tapping the metal framework. "They do look slightly heavy, though. Are you sure you can fly, dear?" That was a good point: Could I fly? I shrugged, stood up, and gave a few flaps. Each one propelled me easily into the air, and faster than they would with normal wings. I couldn't tell if Sky, Rainbow, and Inferno were envious of them, or ready to see how fast I could go. I sat down. 3...2...1...
"So, you think you'll be ready for a race?" they asked simultaneously. I laughed.
"Well, possibly." I snorted. "Depends how eager you are to lose."
"Well, let's go then, gearbox." Inferno smirked, gesturing to the door. The other guys nodded, and began to head outside. I followed them into the busy street. The nobles that recognised the Elements stuck up their snouts, but seemed unable to stop watching us as Sky, Rainbow, Inferno, and I lined up in the street. A few ponies stepped out of the way, while others slowly walked out of the way to keep their clothes fine. The cobblestone felt good on my hooves, and I knew that somewhere behind me, Luna was watching through her telescope, and probably smiling. Or frowning at the metal on my back. We all had some look of determination on our faces, and I could tell that some nobles had figured out what was going on and were pointing to us with other ponies, possibly voting for a winner.
"You ready to lose, Tin-Pot?" Inferno whispered from beside me.
"Come at me, Short Stuff." I chuckled.
"You have me as well, y'know." Sky added.
"And me." Rainbow said slightly loud. "Guess we can settle things like we used to, ya nutjob."
"Back atcha, Spectrum Head." I replied. Pinkie stepped in front, holdig a top hat no doubt plucked from her ass.
"You guys ready?" she said excitedly. We all tensed up, and set more determination into our eyes, because that does shit, right?
"3!"
"2!"
"1!"
"GO!"
There was almost an explosion of cobblestone road behind us as we all shot off at incredibly high speeds. At first, we were all neck and neck. The route was to Ponyville and back, which was probably about 2 hours at a calm pace, but about 5 minutes at these speeds. I kept pace, with different trails following each of us. Rainbow's was self-explanitory, Inferno had a crackling green energy following him, Sky had smoke, and I seemed to have a trail of what felt like fire, but was probably something TF2 related like a healbeam, minigun bullets, or some shit. Then came something unexpected.
As per fuckin' usual.
"Engaging über-drive." came a sudden female voice. We all looked at my wings in confusion, even me. They seemed to be unfolding the steel plates that made up feathers, and an orange glow began to emanate from within. "Have fun with the Schadenfreude! HORRIDO!" Medic's voice yelled over the speakers. A rather loud whining noise came from the engines, followed by a sudden burst of acceleration. I wasn't stopping any time soon, so-
BOOM
Behind me came a spectacular explosion of blue crackling electricity, also containing a ring of fire infused within the energy-wave. HOLY SHIT, I JUST DID THAT. THAT WAS BLOODY AWESOME, AND I REALLY SHOULD TURN AROUND, BECAUSE THAT SIGN SAID I AM ENTERING CROWME AIRSPACE! SHIT, THEY'RE FIRING AT ME.

"So," Celestia began at dinner, not even looking up from her newspaper with a bored look in her face. Occasionally, she'd lick her hoof and turn the page with it, but otherwise, beside her reading glasses, she had no readable expression. "How was your flight?"
"Good enough." I sighed, the lights on my wings turning blue with tiredness. "Until they sent missiles after me. When did they get that technology?" Celestia looked into her head for a moment, thinking, before looking back at her paper. The room was silent. "3 weeks ago. Plus, 2 days ago, there was some metal wagon pulled from the forest, containing some animal remains. We kept it here in case you wanted a look, because this aaaalllll started when you arrived."
"So, you found a car, then?" I asked. "I'll look after dinner. What colour is it, and did it have writing on the side?"
"No, no words. It was rusty, and red, plus full of tools." Ding.
"What did it have in the boot?"
"Boot?"
"Rear storage area?"
"...what?"
"The small compartment at the back of it?"
"Oh. Well, it had a few crowbars, some empty shotgun shells, an Austallion slouch hat, a dead raccoon, and what I can only assume are blood stains."
"Well, ya found my car." I chuckled. Celestia raised a brow. "What? Everybody over the age of 18 has one where I come from. Bring it to an open space, I can demonstrate whenever you need. Anything else you've found?"
"A painting of some woman with the name 'Mona Lisa' on the back..."
"Boring."
"...a few boxes with 'MANN CO.' written on the side that have probably been in that forest for a few centuries..."
"Don't have any keys for 'em, so go on."
"...and a sphere labelled 'Sputnik'."
"Fucking communists. That it?"
"Yes, it is. Anything interests you, let me know before we auction them away to fund the pony rebels in Camegypt."
"Alright, thanks Celly."
"Call me that again and I'll do what I threatened your friend Inferno with earlier this year."
"Err...which was?"
"Break your head with my boots."
"Good talking to you, too."
"Likewise, Tin-Pot."

Almost comedy, because I get my shit slapped repeatedly.

The sound of a crackling fire, with the occasional sound of a newspaper page turning was the only sound in the Royal Living Room. A few times, Celestia sighed, and adjusted her glasses. Lying on top of me (as usual) was Luna, sleeping on her adorable little belly as she lay sideways on my back, twitching occasionally, or shifting all her weight onto one segment of my back. I was mostly surprised that Doktor had added the capability of easy removal of the iron wings, let alone added them, otherwise Luna would be lying under me. And, lying at the front of the chair on the floor, was a curled up Nightmare, sleeping in front of the fireplace. Celestia still gave her the evil eye, but had gotten used to the misty mare. I was surprised Celestia would be awake: it was 12PM.
I, meanwhile, was stripping all of my weapons on a mat, cleaning them, and reassembling them. The metal-on-metal made clinking quietly ring through the room. Ebony was sleeping somewhere, I don't know. Those who weren't in relationships with some of the finest mares alive were elsewhere in the castle, with the Elements. I sighed as I found the AWP blockage, which prompted Celestia to look up with a slightly inquisitive but mostly bored expression on her face.
"Problem?" she asked. I waved a dismissive hoof.
"Ah, it's just a piece of dead Changeling was blocking the operation of my rifle. I just need to lever it out, nothing you'd understand, Celly." I heard a newspaper rustle, then silence, with only the crackling of fire and light snoring from the two mares to break it.
Whap.
I felt a rolled up newspaper smack me on the back of the head. It didn't hurt, it was like you would do with a dog. I looked over at Celestia, who was glaring and smirking at me.
"Don't call me that, or imply that I wouldn't understand something." she huffed, unfurling the paper. "Because I'll hit you with the news."
"Don't hit me with a newspaper." I shot back, looking down the detached rifle barrel for any loss of the rifling. "Because I'll stab you with a crowbar."
Whap. Whap.
"You're like a dog." Celestia giggled, before throwing the newspaper across the room. "Fetch." I frowned, and rolled my eyes.
"Nope." I grunted. I considered throwing a spanner across the room, and telling her to fetch, but then that'd get me mind-controlled or something. But, Celestia's death glare won in the end, and I sighed as I took Luna off my back, rested her on the chair, and trudged over. Before I could pick it up with a hoof, Celestia interjected.
"Ah ah ah." she said. I looked over, and she was resting her smirking head on her foreleg in the classic 'draw me like one of your French fillies' position. "With your mouth."
I looked at her in tiredness. "But I can use my hoo-"
"With your mouth." I tried arguing back, but then the glare won again. With a sigh, I opened my mouth, craned my neck down, and wrapped my mouth over the sides of the newspaper. I picked it up, and trudged over to Celly with a frown. She smiled, and rubbed a white hoof in my mane. "Good boy. Now drop it."
Fflflfegh.
That is an accurate sound of the newspaper coming from my mouth. It landed on Celestia's floor in front of her. Smirking, she shuffled up in her chair, before patting an area in front of her. "Sit." My eyes went wide, and I quickly looked to Luna. She was asleep, and most likely would be for hours. I swallowed hard and looked back at Celly. I made a point towards Luna, and Celestia rolled her eyes, before igniting her horn. I felt myself being lifted up, before being laid down on my side in front of her. I had no say in this, so this would most likely be rape. I shrank slightly.
"Please don't rape me...?" I squeaked out. Instead of answering, I felt another weight on top of me: it was large, fluffy, and had wings. I flicked my eyes up, to see that Luna was now being laid on top, followed by Nightmare.
"No, I don't plan to rape you." Celestia sighed. "I just need warmth: Ebony's asleep and the fire heat doesn't reach here. So I'm using you, my little brony, as a source of warmth." I looked up at Luna and Nightmare on top.
"And these two?" I asked, still scared she would rape me. I felt a lot warmer, yes, but what was Celestia really planning?
"These two are here to keep YOU warm. So, it's like a cycle: You keep me warm, I keep you warm with Lulu, Nightmare keeps Lulu warm, and Nightmare doesn't need warmth, because she's cold-hearted."
"Would you mind not insulting her?" I asked politely, pushing myself out from under and next to the mares. Celestia frowned at the comment. "She's quite nice when you get to know her, as it turns out."
"Actually, she possessed my sister as an evil spirit, before trying to kill you, my student, the Elements, your friends, AND plunge the entirety of Equestria." Celestia retorted, climbing out from the pile of her sister and a misty entity that was adorable, sexy, and weighed nothing. She stood to her full height, and looked down at me with a steely glare. Now, if I was the stallion I was when I first arrived, I would have broken down and cried. But, being insane, an assassin, and hardened from almost a year of shit, I glared back. "She's messed with Luna's mind, and your mind, by even existing in them."
"She hasn't messed with my mind." I shot back. "If she'd have begun controlling my mind, I'd turn into what Luna turned into when SHE was possessed."
"Well, I can't allow that to happen, especially not when the wedding is tomorrow."
"Well-"
SLAP
I felt a sharp sting on my snout, and, unsurprisingly, Celestia had slapped me that casually. "SNAP OUT OF IT." she said firmly. In reply, I reached up a hoof, and issued a slap of my own.
"STOP HITTING ME." I said firmly. We both narrowed our eyes, and Celestia struck first.
SLAP
SLAP
SLAP
SLAP
SLAP
SLAPSLAP
SLAPSLAPSLAPSLAPSLAPSLAPSLAPSLAPSLAPSLAP
SLAPSLAPSLAPSLAPSLAPSLAPSLAPSLAPSLAPSLAP
Moments later we were both staggering for balance. I was seeing stars, and Celestia seemed to be, too. After about 5 minutes of aimlessly staggering, we looked at each other. "Yeah." Celestia panted. "I think we're even."
"Aye." I gasped for breath. My face was feeling hot from the slappings, and I was still stunned. The only noise, besides our heavy breathing, was the light snoring, and light crackling of the fire. "Right now, I feel like sleeping. Right here. Right now."
"Well then, I can help with that." Celestia smiled, and began to lift me up onto the chair I was lying on. Next, she lay Luna and Nightmare right next to me. I felt a lot warmer, and the chair seemed to be more comfortable than the bed. I looked up at Celestia.
"Thank you." I smiled back. She gave a wink, and left the room.

I awoke to the feeling of something glomphing my mouth. I snapped my eyes open, and saw Nightmare's eyes staring back, so I added my part to the kiss. My tongue wrapped around her ethereal one, and we both pretty much made out the moment we woke up. We carried on for about 10 minutes, before we both finished.
"Morning, Moony." I said. She ran a hoof down my neck.
"Morning." she whispered. "The wedding's today, and I'm going to be keeping you company inside your head."
"That's good." I replied, wrapping my forelegs around her. "I might need help if there's an attack."
"Well, I'll come in handy then. Now, you go collect your wings, get your suit, and put your guns together. I'll just quickly possess you, and we can get going." Promptly, she went into my mouth and nostrils, the image of her cutie mark appeared in my vision for a moment, before it cleared up.
Off we go.

Best. Wedding. Ever.

Later, once my shit was locked, loaded, sharp, and shit hot, I made a quick visit to the labs. After all, the previous night Celestia had mentioned MY CAR had fallen from the sky or some shit, so it was worth checking out. When I entered, I received a few nods from the ponies inside, and Doktor was over in the corner with a mare, reading something on a clipboard. I waved, and moved on to a door where a stallion waited outside. He was tan, had brown, gelled-up hair, and his cutie mark seemed to be a music note. I didn't think to inquire about that.

"You must be Thunder." he greeted, extending a hoof. I returned the favour.

"Aye, and you are?" I asked politely.

"Skipped Beat, DJ for hire. I'm doing the music for the after-party, after that Vinyl Scratch mare..." He trailed off, then caught my confused look. "Oh! Sorry, I'm rambling. Best get to seeing what I recognise as your car." I blinked. How does he know that it's mine...?

"Yeah..." I murmured as he opened the door to enter. "Let's..." As I entered, the smell of diesel hit me hard. After a year, that amazing, petrol-like smell was welcome. I smiled and breathed in, looking around the workshop. The car engine was being scanned with a unicorn's horn, each part flashing blue as he spotted it. The large metal device was fully out of the body, and I didn't realise a shitty car had a 'Ford Motor Company V8 Diesel Primer Ignited' whatchamacallit. I looked to the body next; the red jeep bodywork was placed around the room, being stared at with intent by scientists, while the chassis remained relatively untouched. In a pile behind was all the tools I used when I went to go and do shit with/for my friends: a crowbar, a sledgehammer, a set of tarpaulins, a pair of Black and Decker saws, and a box of nails, which had of course fallen out of their shitty Co-Operative plastic bag, which was totally safe to store iron spikes in. One scientist gave me a look as I picked up the crowbar and whacked it into my free hoof.

"Can we help you, sir?" he asked, standing up. I looked back.

"Ah, yes, you could." I replied politely, after remembering something that would confirm if this really was mine. "When you brought this here, or where you found it, was there a rectangular sheet with some letters and numbers on it?" The Pegasus smiled, and brought out the license plate.

"Of course. If it helps us know about it by having a human tell us, that's good. What is this for?"

"Identification, mostly." I replied, reading the numbers. 'B16T WAT' It was a gift from a friend, reading 'Big twat'. And to be honest, if you drove like me, that's all.you'd hear. Scientists began listening, but didn't avert their eyes from their work. "Millions of these vehicles all around the world would be in active service for years at a time, so some form of identification was necessary. Not every vehicle looked different, so two red cars of the same model, make, and age would be difficult to tell apart without this." I held up the plate. "A license plate. These were usually on the front and back of a car, so if it was stolen, police would know to look for that license plate, stop the car, and slap the thief's shit with 50,000 volt tasers."

"Good to know, sir." smiled the scientist. "If there's anything else you need just let one of us know." I nodded, and turned to Skipped Beat.

"I hope you don't mind me asking, but how do you know this is my car?" I asked him. He smiled nervously, rubbing the back of his head with a hoof.

"Ehm...my brother had one like it back in Griffonia?" he stuttered, darting his eyes. I glared at him. "Really. And you don't think these would be everywhere by now? No. Now tell me the truth."

"You wouldn't believe me." he sighed, looking down sadly. "If I said I'm from a universe where all this is a cartoon, and this car was driven by my brother, you'd slap my shit. He went missing a year ago when he went with his friends to an area of the Great Park, and I went to that place, and I'm here too. He's probably out there alone, in the cold, and I came here to save him." Suddenly, it clicked. I blinked in shock.

"J-Jonathan...?" I whispered, a tear in my eye. His expression of shock changed to that of happiness.

"Jack...?" he replied, a tear in his eye. We burst out cheering in an instant, surprising every scientist in the room, before he threw himself into me and gave me a brotherly noogie. "IT'S YOU! HAHAAAA! I FOUND YA!"

"I DIDN'T EXPECT TO SEE YOU AGAIN!" I laughed, trying to push his hoof away from my VO5 mane that would never lose it's style. "HOLY SHIT, YOU BECAME ONE HANDSOME SON OF A BUCK! WHERE'VE YOU BEEN THIS WHOLE DAMN TIME?!" He rolled onto his hooves and helped me up as well.

"Manehattan," he replied, "I've developed my DJ skills further than back home. Few gigs, few hundred bits each, my own apartment, no big deal."

"How'd you get citizenship?"

"I was a pony, I had money, I'm famous, I think nopony would notice." he smirked. "And I hear you've become quite the famous stallion too, huh? Dating a monarch, first bearer of prosthetic wings? Nice."

"Aye, and an assassin. I'm paid to protect the wedding."

"Just you?"

"No, hundreds of us. I'm in a clan. And you're doing music? Where's the music from?" He paused, and looked around. A few scientists gave a look. Skipped shrugged, and smirked.

"Well, I guess with all this it's no secret worth keeping." he said slightly loud. "My van, the one with my DJ stuff, came here too. It's parked in a backstreet in Canterlot, it's how I got here. I've mostly been playing music from my iTunes account. And of all the ponies I meet first, it's my missing brother, right after a wedding organiser who recognised me!"

"Well, bro," I smiled, before pulling out a Hoof & Stone .44 revolver from my jacket, much to his surprise. "You wanna help defend a wedding? Just get a suit."

"The hell've you been?" Inferno hissed from next to me as we stood in the crowd. We weren't allowed next to the bridesmaids, we were simply wedding guests, so we stood near the front. Skipped Beat arrived seconds later. "And who's this?"

"Yeah, Thunder, you're late!" Ebony grunted. "And who is he?"

"You know my brother, right?" I asked. "The DJ?"

"Yeah..." Inferno trailed off, before smiling and nodding to Skipped. He was wearing a suit and tie, and had the revolver tucked away in an inside pocket. The brown grip could be seen, but slightly. In front, the girls gave their 'we'll ask later' faces and returned to looking pretty for the cameras.

Celestia was smiling. "Princess Cadence, and Shining Armor: I now pronounce you husband and wi-"

"STOOOOOOOOOOOP!" A familiar voice rang down the hall, and groaning was heard. We all looked at Inferno, who shrugged. Twilight was now stood in the centre aisle, determined looking and approachig slowly up the path. I could already feel Bush aiming a rifle at her, so I went over the radio.

"Don't fire." I said firmly.

Bush audibly groaned. "But she's bloody ruinin' th-"

"Don't fire, she knows something. Let her finish, then I'll say if you can put her out. Over." Twilight was saying her 'she's evil!' speech, and I knew Cadence was crying. Then came another Cadence voice, and we all paused, gasping. "HOLY SHIT!" my friends and I all yelled, before looking at each other and doing a group rendition of the Eastenders theme tune whilst trying to keep straight faces. We all failed miserably, laughing on the floor in a pile. Before we could do anything els-

Thunder, stop arsing about.

Aw, why...?

Because this is an important event in Equestrian history! The Changelings attack Canterlot! Nopony has attacked Canterlot for over 1000 yea-

Yeah, whatever.

Ugh, fine. I'll help when it's TRULY needed.

And I love your ass too.

"Thunder, what the hell is that?!" Rainbow screamed amongst the crowd. In front of us stood a tall, black creature. It had blue, turquoise hair with holes in it, a huge horn and-ahhh, what the fuck do I care, it was a Changeling.

"Oh, FUCKING hell." I groaned loudly. I stepped forward, and Celestia was speaking. But rather than the original speech about her revealing herself, she had reading glasses on, so she probably didn't care.

"Ebony, could you be a dear and come forward please?" she asked. The buff grey unicorn looked confused, but did so, standing in front of her and the crowd.

"Sure, what for, honey?" he replied. In answer, Celestia lit her horn up, crackling with gold energy, and illuminated the room. A yellow beam of power came from the appendage, before flowing right onto Ebony. He panicked, yelling loudly, and scrambling for purchase on the floor.

Was Celestia:

A) Stealing his life force for power?

B) Combining herself with him?

C) Doing something sexual?

Or D) Destroying Canterlot to rid the infestation?

None of the above, she was Übercharging him.

Many jaws dropped as Ebony crackled with yellow, shining energy. His eyes went fully yellow and spewed out beams of light and his normal voice went terrifyingly Russian. He let out a mighty roar, and ripped out a massive piece of the floor to throw. Said piece of floor was thrown, and at Chrysalis. At about 88MPH. ~~But before it hit her, it went back to the future and stopped Balls McScratchy from destroying the Pentagon.~~

"I WILL SQUASH YOU LIKE BUG!" he laughed in a shit-scary way. Everypony ran, including all of us.

"SHIT, HIDE, WHAT THE COCK JUST HAPPENED, SHIT, HIDEHIDEHIDEHIDEHIDEHIDEHIDEHIDEHIDEHIDE-" Sky was yelling. We all leapt behind an overturned table with the girls, and tried desperately not to all have cardiac arrests. Flittershy was already in that stage, so no surprise.

"Holy SHIT, übercharged Ebony!" Inferno yelled over the sound of shit breaking behind us. "Best idea ever!"

"Well, don't Luna über the damn Sniper!" I laughed. "This is just like Team Fortress 2!"

"Damn straight!" Fire added, cheering. "We just need doktor up here, and it's TF-"

Behind us came a loud yell, followed by a clanking. We looked over the table, and all hope died.

Celestia, and Ebony, were lying on the floor, gasping for breath. Celestia's horn now had an acidic green gunge on the tip, like I had on my wing however many chapters ago. Many jaws dropped simultaneously.

"I have more power than Celestia!" Chrysalis laughed. Twilight and the girls ran over, follows by the boys. My brother and I drew pistols, and shared a look.

Shoot her?

Shoot her.

So, we did. Both of us popped up from behind cover wielding powerful handguns, and began to unload. In slow motion, it would have looked like a Western shoot out with two brothers fighting a creepy bitch who was able to deflect our bullets. I frowned, and ducked down.

"Shit, she eats bullets!" I grumbled, changing the six bullets with a fresh six, emptying the shells onto the floor. I turned on my mic. "Bush, Six, Rock, Swift, Iron, Rooftop, get ready to roll. I have a new follower, protect the Elements as they leave the hall, I'm coming to you!"

"Copy." Six replied.

"We gotcha covered." Swift added.

"Let's give 'em a gobful!" Bush laughed.

"I am ready!" Rock yelled.

"Prepped and ready." Iron grunted.

"Let's get this done fast." Rooftop said calmly, before dropping down from the ceiling of the hall. "Quicker this gets done, quicker we get paid, quicker that party happens, and the quicker I can try bribing Fleur for her ass."

I nodded, before following the girls and boys outside into the streets.

The battle was due to start, and I wouldn't miss it.

I'd be the talk of it.

I

AM

A

SHITTY

PERSON

FOR

WRITING

DRAMATIC

STUFF

LIKE

THIS

I

HAVE

ALSO

BECOME

A

BAD

FAN

CHARACTER.

HOW

MANY

LINES

HAS

THIS

TAKEN

UP?

SHIT,

TOO

MANY,

I'LL

STOP

NOW.

Stuff happened before this that I can't write because of a lack of a Gore tag.

Our captors ushered us into the wedding hall, our attempt to capture the Elements failing and resulting in our own capture by the enemy. Chrysalis smirked in her usual evil way; launching into a speech and song was next. All 12 of us, Rock included, sighed, and looked down in the presence of Princess Cadence. We'd failed her.
"Well, shit." I finally said aloud, gaining a stern shove from a nearby Changeling. I shot him/it a death glare, before smiling at him. "Hey, you know what morgue your friends are going to? I'll sign the coffins, yours and theirs, man." Despite that one Changeling being dealt with, the others would easily overpower us. Queen Chrysie stopped glaring at us, and smiled in a way that said she had an idea.
"Well," she began, pacing ahead of us, "Since I win, the metaphorical rules state that I can do with the losers as I please, correct?"
"Well-" Twilight began, before Inferno placed a hoof over her mouth.
"Continue." The small Pegasus swallowed.
"As I was saying, I can do with you as I please. Now, I understand you are all couples, correct?"
"Yes." came the group reply from 8 of us. 4 of us remained silent, me included. Chrysalis smirked. "Excellent. Then it has been settled; I'll feed on your love for each other, and provide food for the Changelings in the process. Now then: You." She pointed a hoof at Solar. He looked terrified, before planting his hooves in the ground.
"Fuck you." he snarled. Instead, he was levitated forward sharply, and I witnessed something horrific. Chrysalis placed her horn onto his forehead, and began to siphon...pink from him. The colour gradually left the stallion, his screams falling on deaf ears as the insect-bitch absorbed his love for Applejack. The mare herself was crying, trying to push past Changelings that were stronger than her in a futile attempt to save the guy. The rest of us were frozen in shock, unable to fucking move. Finally, Chrysalis laughed, and dropped the near-lifeless body of Solar on the floor. He was still breathing. Alive. But not for long. She kicked him once, throwing him down the stairs to the hard marble floor, and we all quickly ran over.
"SHIT, SOLAR!" I heard Rainbow yell. We crowded round the unicorn, making sure he was still alive. But not Rock, AJ, and I. Oh, hell no. We weren't going to stand around and let her siphon that much energy from a friend, let alone a pony. Applejack had the fires of a million of Celestia's favourite Chilli Powder grains in her eyes, which was fucking terrifying. I considered drawing my spare revolver, but then I remembered Skipped Beat had it. Speaking of which, where was he?
Instead, the first thing I grabbed was my butterfly knife. Quickly, I drew it, flipped it open, and drove it into the throat of the nearest guard...

Yeah, this next bit's censored.
Y'know, legal issues, admins, mods, and stuff.
And no gore tag.
I should really put that bloody thing in.

...once I was finished with them, I faced the Queen. She looked unimpressed by the minor injuries I had issued to her guards, but they had to back off, so I won that one. She rolled her eyes, ignited her horn, and summoned...a wrench. A wrench...?
"You went Spy, I shall go Engineer. Let us settle this minor dispute in the manner similar to Texas." she sighed, twirling the black steel spanner in an aura. She summoned a hard-hat, and span it around on her head, before grinning in an aggressive manner. I was amazed she made that reference, and I was tempted to go up and literally ravage her mouth with my tongue for it, but then I understood my job: Face-Stab. While Everypony else stood back, I had my small knife out, and lunged forward, before ramming the blade into her chest. She winced slightly, then looked at the small injury. I did it again, she flinched slightly, before deciding to smack the side of my head with her wrench. Shame it wasn't a Jag, because that wouldn't have hurt as much.
My whole world went blurry, and I was thrown out of a window, as far as I can remember. Thankfully, luck was on my side at that point because I'd probably bought him a few beers or somethin', because I was thrown straight into a nearby pond.
The same pond that acted as a hidden exit from the labs beneath Canterlot. I mentally wished my friends good luck, and began to swim down the tunnel.

The moment I came out the other end, I realised I had made a mistake: My mechanical wings would be unusuable for a while, so I sighed loudly.
"Fuck." I groaned, sitting down on a nearby bench. A red warning light was my only company besides the sound of screaming down the tunnels. After a while, that lowered to only one yell, before that abruptly went silent as well. I swallowed hard, and moved quietly down the steel tunnel. I didn't dare call for help. Just as I reached the central corridor, a voice broke over the speakers.
"Hallo?!" I heard a familiar voice gasp. "This is Doktor Schadenfreude! Thunder, can you hear me?"
"Aye, I can hear you, Dok!" I called back out. A relieved sigh came over the speaker.
"Oh, danke Faust...Listen, mein freunde. There's been a containment breach. Some of the control room operators turned out to be Changelings, and opened the door to Container 038. You'll want to get to my office, fast. A few of us scientists have survived here for a few hours, and...Lulu's here." My heart froze. Why the hell would Lulu be down here? The sound of Medic's signature yell was heard, and Luna came over the line.
"Thunder?!" came a sudden female voice that I cherished. "Thunder, you're alive?! Thank Faust! Listen, we're in Dok's office. About 20 of us. Those Changelings opened the container of some of the most dangerous creatures in Equestria; Angels. I can get Doctor Whooves to explain how to avoid the-" Luna was shoved away audibly over the speaker, and a voice like David Tennant came over the speakers.
"The Angels are coming for you, but listen, your life, your whole life could depend on this: don't blink. The Angels are fast, faster than you can imagine! So don't look away, don't ignore them, and DON'T. BLINK." The speakers went absolutely silent, and the only sound was the sound of distant alerts.
"...good luck."

Author's Note

Played Slender Fortress 2 this week. First map: sl_weepers. Fucking Weeping Angels snapped my neck seconds before I reached the escape TARDIS.

And yes, I find the Weeping Angels to be fucking terrifying.
Shut up.

dun blink. k, is easy.

I recognised the corridor I was in; it was where I had found my brother kicking around near my car. I stopped in front of said door, and looked both ways down the corridor. Nothing coming either way.
Yet.
Gulping, I slowly opened the door to the room, making minimal noise. If I was quiet, I could pick up some kind of weapon against the stone angels; a pick-axe maybe, or a hammer and chisel. The room was deathly silent as I crept in, stepping carefully over the tools that had been left lying around, until I came across a table. On it, illuminated under a single bulb, was all the tools I had used for my work back on Earth as an odd-job guy. I quickly grabbed the crowbar, before looking at the side of the table; a sledgehammer and pick-axe were lying directly next to each other, so I had a choice: Smash or Shatter?
"Umm..." I murmured to myself. "Hammer." I picked the tool up, and realised just how light it felt after a year of carrying shit around. Before I could look for more tools, my wings chirped loudly and the small camera in the centre span to face the source of the chirp.
Stood stark still in the doorway, silhouetted by the dim red light behind it, was a statue. It was reaching forward, both of it's forehooves pointed in my direction. It looked a lot like a scientist, but angrier, more stoned, and had a more terrifying glare. I stared blankly at it for a few seconds, and marched over without blinking. Then, because I had the items to do it, I swung the hammer with both hooves, and smashed its head from its shoulders. The remaining powder fell to the floor, the only sound being my breathing and distant metallic clangs. I watched the stone powder simply sitting on the floor.
"Hell." I said calmly, shrugging as I began to trot away. "That was easy."

I only encountered 2 Angels, including the one that I'd killed/disintevaporateinated with a hammer. And by the time I'd reached Dok's office, my pocket watch was reading 23:36PM. I let my jaw drop as I rubbed my face with a hoof. "Bloody hell..." I yawned. Once I was done yawning, I knocked on the door to the office. As usual, Doktor was heard from inside.
"Hallo, Thunder Frauleine!" he called, before somepony else opened the door and pulled me straight inside. I winced at the massive intrusion of light into my vision, before I felt lips being pressed against my own. When I opened my eyes, I was face to face with Luna, with her eyes closed and tears rolling down her cheeks. I was tempted to cry myself, but I'm a stallion, so I didn't. Our tongues wrestled for a moment, before I pulled away. I looked deep into her eyes, and then broke away before I got dirty thoughts.
"Oh thank god." I sighed, smiling at Luna. She was covered in soot markings, dirt, even blood, her crown was missing, and even worse, she looked outrageously tired. Her eyes had large sacks underneath, giving her the appearance of a stressed Princess. Around the room, there were a few scientists dotted about Medic's lab, sitting on any surface possible and trying to be quiet. I frowned. "I thought there'd be more?"
"Rest of us got caught on the way." a scientist replied, clutching a bandage on his rib using a hoof. "Angels are too goddamn fast, got 'em before they reacted. I think there's other pockets of us, and as far as the inter-laboratory pagers can confirm, the 329 other guys got out fine. About 71 of us will be stuck here, and have to fill in paperwork to the families of those who died, explaining that their mothers, fathers, sons or daughters were killed by a sentient statue that snapped their necks the full 360 degrees and killed 'em." I rolled my eyes, and idly scratched the bridge of my nose with a finely dressed hoof. I still hadn't had time to get my Merc outfit on, so I was still wearing a torn, blood stained, battered suit that Rarity had made a few days ago. I was temporarily reminded of my friends, and hoped they didn't get the same horrific treatment as Solar did from Chrysalis.
"Well, shit." I groaned. "How long have you guys been down here?"
"About 18 hours." Luna sighed. "None of us have gotten any sleep, because of the Angels."
"Well, they're not that hard to kill." I replied, frowning at their 'problem'. Several sets of ears pricked up. "I've killed two, I think. I literally cannot remember, I'm too tired, and I don't know where Nightmare's gone, and now I'm worried about her."
"I'm here. I'm still in your head." A sudden sexy voice said. "And have you never considered asking for some of my power? That way you wouldn't get tired at all, and you'd have quite easily ground the Changeling Queen into a pile of limbs using a single punch rather than you being thrown out of the window after you attacked her with a butterfly knife and she cracked you with a wrench, which then threw you out of the window."
I heard Doktor chuckling to himself from over the room as he went through some documents. "Face stabbing, are we? Das ist nicht güt, Frau Nightmare, nicht güt."
"Yes, Doktor, it isn't good." I could feel Nightmare smiling inside my head. "Should have used a Kukri."
"Or Bonesaw, or Frying Pan."
"The Pan, totally not Mann Co's most powerful handheld close quarters weapon due to it's massive amount of crits."
"Hmm, it did put Demoman into Demopan mode for a few weeks..."
"Yes, I suppose it would cause a few fractures at how quickly it swings. Good thing the Engineer couldn't use it to repair his buildings, otherwise you'd have killed yourself from the repeated whung sound..."
"Nngg..." I groaned, biting my lip at Nightmare's outrageously sexy knowledge of Team Fortress 2. "So goddamn hot..."
"As hot as your Botkiller Flamethrower?"

So, basically, I came.

The plan was that we'd all watch each other's backs while we headed to the castle entrance. From there, we'd find a place to hole the scientists up, while Doktor, Lulu, Nightmare and I went out to help with the battle effort. Yes, I'd be fighting with BLU Medic, a Moon Goddess, a Shadowy Dominatrix, and a pair of wings made of an old sentry.
God I'd have too much fun with this.

Medic is so fun. Except he hoards BAWXES

My vision blurred back into focus. Once again, I was in Luna's bedchambers, but this time lying on the floor. I groaned, and rubbed a hoof to my aching forehead as I sat up.
"Ugh, the hell...?" I grumbled, before looking around. It was quiet, the only sound being Luna humming gently to herself whilst she brushed her mane with a MaGiCaL HaIrBrUsH! (See, it's more dramatic than an Argos Hairbrush.) She looked so stressed, I'm amazed she hadn't gone to sleep or something. She noticed I had sat up, and smiled over to me in the mirror.
"Morning." she said softly, putting the brush down and trotting over to me, before lying down beside me on the floor. Gently, she leaned in for a nuzzle, which I returned. "Battle's over. How's the head?" I blinked.
"...head?" I asked, genuinely confused. Luna stopped nuzzling and looked at me in a way that was bordering both adorable and concerned.
"Your head?" she repeated. "You know, when the Changeling fired at Doktor, and you jumped in the way?"
"Bollocks, don't remember that. All I know now is that I need ~~10cc of Ketamine and a Columbo marathon~~ a coffee. Did they even get their wedding in the end?"
"No, that's next week." Luna replied, helping me to my hooves. "But I'm pretty sure you'll be well loved in the meantime; Everypony in Canterlot, and maybe even more, knows what you did to save Dok's life. You're apparently getting some form of honouring for 'a selfless deed, indeed' by Shining Armor after the wedding and his honeymoon."
"Hmm." I nodded, dusting myself off and trotting over to the cupboard to get my clothes. Once my jacket, holster, boots and hat were on me, I opened the door. I let Luna go first, then I followed.
"You should go get some breakfast, and we can discuss this further when I arrive." Luna said, walking down the other direction of the corridor. "I'll be there later, I have paperwork to deal with."
"Have fun!" I called, before facing ahead and marching down towards breakfast.

"Morning, chaps." I said as I sat down at the table with the girls and the lads.
"Well, if it isn't Mr Hero-Bigshot." Twilight giggled along with the girls. "How's the he-"
"Don't remember, don't care, took enough painkillers already." I replied sharply. "And anyway, apparently I'm getting an award for it?"
"They said that to everypony here," Rainbow replied, sipping her coffee, "Anypony who helped the Elements of Harmony, or helped defend Canterlot, is receiving one. But I think you're getting a few rewards, since you fill both those categories."
"Sweet." I grinned behind a slice of toast.
"Oh, Thunder?" Inferno piped up. "Your brother said he'll be out of town for the next few days, because he's forgotten something in Manehattan. Plus, Doktor Schadenfreude said he's sending you a gift of thanks, once he's got the gift wrap for it."
"Where've I heard THAT before?" I chuckled, rolling my eyes. "Alright then, so we won, Twilight's brother and Princess Cadence are getting married without an explosion of green and acidic substances, and I think I'm getting a share of 1 Billion Bits."
"Darkling, you're aware that almost 75% of your clan is dead? Nopony from your team, thankfully, but it's a dreadful thing for 300 out of 400 of your people have been killed." I blinked.
"...what?" I whispered.
"...I-I'm sorry Thunder." Twilight sighed, putting a hoof on my shoulder. I chuckled.
"At least now I'll get 1 million Bits, rather than 250,000 that would have been shared out between 400 trained killers. In fact, now that 300 have died, that's only 99 or so ponies that'll try to stab me in the back so they can steal gold fillings from my teeth, my boots, my money, and, most importantly, my hat. Effectively, a slaughter of this scale is...good." Everypony looked shocked, before realising that's good logic and nodding.
"Anyway, what day is the new wedding rescheduled to?" Sky asked.
"I think...Friday next week." Twilight replied.
"Ahh, crap, that gives my brother an excuse to play Rebecca Black over his van speakers..."

I headed into the labs to uproarious applause. Scientists all around stopped cleaning up their desks, and began stomping their hooves on the floor in approval. Seriously, I saved one guy. Not that big of a deal. The only reason they were doing it was probably because 'ohh, humans aren't heartless after all, they do care for each other, yaddayaddayadda'. So, putting on a forced smile, I proceeded through the labs to Doktor's office. As usual, the door had blood stains on it, spattered from the inside, and a crack that split his name in half. I knocked.
"Come in!" the Medic called loudly, to which I obliged. Inside, I was greeted with the image of the usual office clutter, with added limbs and guns, but he wasn't performing surgery. Instead, he was digging through a back room, throwing recognisable TF2 items out of the door and piling them up outside the open room. I could see he looked pretty stressed, with dark patches under his blue eyes that stood out from his fur, and his black mane was dishevelled.
"Dok?" I asked, causing him to jump slightly and exit the room with a smirk.
"Ach! Thunder!" he beamed. "Just the stallion I wanted to see! Come, walk with me, talk with me." He placed a hoof over my shoulder, and gestured to a doorway that was behind the excessively large pile of items, where quite a few expensive items were lying quite lazily. This door was one I had not spotted on my previous visits; behind it, it was quite clear that something was there. Something important. He calmly yanked the door, dislodging the Hard Counter that acted as a small lock, and the room inside was in total darkness.
But, once flicked on the light, I could see that this was no broom cupboard. Inside was a vast warehouse, spanning until I almost couldn't see the end. However, the shelves were lined with boxes. Mann Co. Crates. I was amazed that Medic brought this much with him. "Boxes...?" I asked.
"YES! BOXES!" Medic replied loudly. "I've been hoarding those boxes that dropped in that infernal forest for almost 500 years now, and by god, I've found keys! And who better to help me open them than meine freunde and savior, Thunder Mustang?"
I raised a free hoof to make a point. "Well, the other guys could hel-" He quickly put a hoof over my mouth and turned back to close the door. Once it was closed, he removed the hoof and continued.
"Ah, but that would mean having to share the items between SEVEN! Sharing between TWO is easier, since I don't think that 6348 is divisible by seven. Well, hold on...no, it isn't. You'd really think Mann Co. would stop dropping these infernal boxes into inter-dimensional portals, ja?"
"Wait, you have 6438 boxes?!" I exclaimed sharply. "How long would it take to open them all?!"
"Mmmmm...6 Months non-stop working with one stallion who's never opened one of these. With two stallions who've opened countless? A few weeks on and off. Nicht güt, but güt." I smirked as he flicked out a key from an unseen place. "I've been digging around replication spells, and since all Mann Co. keys fit the same lock, and the crates have the same lock, a simple mass-production enchantment on a device I've constructed should easily make the 5000 keys needed to open these. Consider this...a pet project, ja? A small side task to be kept quiet between two human men who like hats, guns, and expensive things!"
"Well," I laughed, grabbing one key. "Which number shall we start with?"
"Ein?" he asked, pointing to 'one'. I nodded, and thus began the most interesting 5 hours of my life.

Me bottle o' scrumpeh!

"Dok?" I called out. That morning, I brought the lads down to the labs, and to Dok. It was worth a try, even if it meant we missed dinner the night before in our haste to find a room to prepare for hats tomorrow.
"Ja?" replied the German voice, before he popped his head out of a cupboard. His curious look faded as he realised that I had brought others with me; more accurately, the lads. "Thunder, remember when I explained it's difficult to share things between 8 people?"
"Aye," I replied, "But do you also remember how there's still a huge pile of hats and stuff in the middle of the warehouse that neither of us wanted?" Medic paused.
"Ja...?" he answered cautiously.
"Well, though neither of US want it, what about these guys?" I replied, gesturing to the others. Inferno gave a wave, not removing the blank look from his face. Dok just facehoofed.
"Grah, scweinhundes!" he growled, before sighing. "Fine. Fine!" He gestured to the door leading to the warehouse. "Shall we move?"
"Alright, Doktor." Fire replied on behalf of all of us. Dok lead us into the warehouse, and instead of going straight down the centre aisle, we hung a right, and ended up in an area numbered '30, 40, 50', respectively. The crates here were old and rusty, with a lot of webs on each. So, basically, we were opening Salvaged crates with Medic. The contents of these would tend to be rare, and it was more than likely we'd be fighting over Strange Originals, Gunslingers, PDAs, Machinas, and such like. I'm not sure why we'd need much of it, seeing as how there's a wedding in only 3-4 days, I forget how many. I don't think we'd need Minisentries, missiles, and Tracer rounds at the wedding. Then again: There's probably going to be the one Changeling that tries crashing the wedding on his own, and then I can kick him outside and decapitate him.
Heeeeaaaddssss...
Shut up, you.

"I think this Unusual Trophy Belt suits me." Inferno smirked as we left the warehouse. The Sunbeams coming from the crocodile tooth band illuminated the hallway as we exited the lab at 6:00 in the evening. I had stored my stuff back in my wardrobe in Luna's Bed-chambers. Quite literally, with the amount of lethal weapons inside it, a 'war'-drobe. "Really illuminates the way I see things."
"Mm." I nodded as I ate a Sandvich. It was rather rejuvenating, I must say, but it tasted like a chicken burger, which is good. Because I like chicken burgers, and the best part was that these would keep regenerating in my pocket. I was the only one who didn't get an Unusual today. But, when I opened that one Eerie Crate, I received a haunted Wraith Wrap, which is cool, because the Ponyfied version stretched all the way down to the base of my neck, and also looked awesome. Besides that, I did obtain a Fire Axe, a Strange Gunslinger, a Strange SMG, a Strange Bottle, and a Quadwrangler. Well, one of the Quadwranglers. Medic got the other. The thing with the small tube attached to my wrist was that it made me feel a damn slight dizzy, since it 'pumped blood from my heart, where it's not needed, to my shooting arm, where it is!'
I couldn't wait to explain that to Lulu. But then again, it was easy to remove, so the only evidence that I'd ever been wearing it was the fact that I'd pass out at random moments for about 10 minutes after removing it. "Chaps," I said to break the silence after finishing my sandvich, "Do you think we should try reverse-engineering these things? Start up a company, the new Mann Co.?" We all paused.
"...hmm..." Was the group reply.
"We should think about this later. All that matters now is me not missing dinner with the other Assassins." I sighed.as I trotted away to go get something nice on. "See you guys later." We'd hired an entire restaurant to accomodate all of the survivors of the battle, which was a good 40 less than we started with. So, there was only about 1000 of us. Rarity's information the days before was actually wrong. And, those who died actually fell to their deaths Halo Reach style, which is embarassing. For them, at least.
After a few minutes of walking, I reached Luna's room. I raised a hoof to the door, and knocked. It opened, and Luna rolled her eyes at the things I was carrying. She opened door and allowed me inside.
"Are you just going to keep bringing weapons and clothing back here? Because I think that you might be stealing all this." Luna sighed, walking up beside me. I couldn't hear her that well, and I immediately ripped the Quadwrangler from my arm. Blood slowly trickled down my arm as I put a hoof to my wrist to find my pulse as my eyes began to roll around.
"Meh..." I groaned as I passed out, falling forwards and being caught by Luna.

I sat up in bed the next day. I knew I had gone to the dinner, but I couldn't remember what happened. My head was clear, but I couldn't remember. In bed beside me was Luna, Nightmare, and...Spitfire. Spitfire? I blinked. The golden mare was lying flanks up on top of Luna, and Nightmare on top of her. "...why?" I murmured. I rubbed my forehead with my hooves, and got out of bed, before trudging to the bathroom. I had a minor headache, so I assume I got drunk the night before, but the fact that I got laid by THREE mares? How in the hell did I do that?!
I coughed and looked in the mirror. I looked tired, my mane was normal, and my eyes were glowing blue.
Wait, WHAT.
I sharply grabbed the mirror and leaned forward to inspect it. My eyes, deep blue as they were, were emitting blue light. It was faint, but it was there. I breathed to calm myself, and thought over what it could be. "OK. OK. Right. Curses. Have I touched anything cursed recently?" I paused and thought. Then, it hit me. "The Eyelander." I nearly ran out of the en suite and looked for the gruesome blade. Amidst the dresses on the floor, one of which I assume belonged to Spitfire, I found the weapon leaned against the wardrobe. The blade was coated in green blood, and the central spine of the blade was glowing a ghostly, but faint, blue. I immediately knew what happened.

12 hours earlier...

"HAAAAAVE AT 'EM, LADS!" I yelled loudly, before firing the Loch and Load at a group of staff, gibbing them into green chunks that rained from the ceiling, and then swinging my blade into the neck of a Waiter that had snuck up behind me. His head was quickly lopped off, and the Changeling disguise dropped. The armoured insect fell to the floor. I laughed loudly and...Scottishly(?) at the rain of dismembered limbs as I drank from a bottle of whiskey and crouched over the corpse. "Oh, fat lotta good that bloody Soldier trainin' did ye: I'M DROONK!" The other teams at my table were laughing at the massive explosion of limbs. Only Luna seemed unimpressed, seeing as how a glut of Changeling blood sprayed into her Marijuana Salad. She wore a frown and stared straight ahead.
"You're drunk." she groaned, standing up and trotting over to me. She placed a hoof around my shoulder as the other assassins bid me farewell for the evening and returned to their meals. "Let's get you home." As we headed to the door, another hoof wrapped around my shoulder. It was yellow, and the mare on the other side turned out to be Spjtfire. She had a slightly drunk face, and a bottle of whiskey in her other hoof.
"I'mma comin' home with yoou, Thunder!" she giggled, before pecking me on the cheek. Luna looked incredibly annoyed. I laughed, and gave the bottle of alcohol in my hooves to her.
"Cheer up, lass!" I slurred. "Have some o' me bottle o' scrumpeh!" Luna kept her death glare straight ahead and grabbed the bottle with her free hoof.
"Hmmph, I'll need it to put up with you being drunk." she groaned, before swigging the bottle. Harmless, right?
Nope.avi.

30 seconds later...

"Well," Luna began, "I think the alcohol has a delayed kick." Just then, what seemed to happen was she suddenly had every sexual urge inducing drug, spell, drink, and curse ever created poured into her system. Immediately, she paused, and shook her head with a slightly dazed expression on her face. Her cheeks flushed red, her wings immediately went erect, and her horn glowed gently.
"Oh..." she moaned, tensing her flanks. Spitfire rubbed a hoof under my chin and licked my face. It was weird, but I was drunk. "W-Wow...l-let's get back to my chambers..." Luna lit her horn brighter, and we appeared back in her bedroom. Nightmare came out of my body, and then I had my first four-way since I arrived in Equestria.

The next morning, a bunch of hours later, but slightly earlier than 12 hours later...

"Christ." I whispered, pulling my eye-lid down with a hoof. The blue glow was still there, and didn't seem to be relenting at any point. "Bloody hell, that's staying there." I thought deeply as I splashed cold water onto my face, before checking the clock. 3:50 A.M. Maybe a walk would clear my head?
I turned off the tap, dried my face with a hooftowel, and put my boots on. From what I had learned from all my early mornings, the Pegasi weather schedule for night involved low temperatures and morning dew, even in summer. But it was going into the start of Autumn, so said weather would seem normal, and it'd give me an excuse to wear my jacket, hat, boots, and Loch and Load in my saddle bags. The Eyelander had its own sheath on my back, just in case I needed to take heads. Just before I walked out of the door, there was a knock. Swiftly, I yanked the doors open, and stood on the other side was Colgate with some letters.
"...hi." I said.
"Umm...hi." she replied cautiously. Don't notice my eyes, don't notice my- "Hey, what's up with your eyes?"

Shit.

Most awkward conversation with an adorable mare.

"Yes," Colgate said as we went down the empty streets. I didn't even bother putting on Dok's wings, and I hadn't needed to for a while, so those were folded up in my drobe of war. I'm still amazed she wasn't cold, but it's Colgate, so I didn't ask. But unfortunately, she was asking. About my eye. "But that still doesn't answer my question. What happened with your eye?"

"That's something I'd rather keep private." I muttered as we headed towards out usual coffee shop. I was still amazed she hadn't noticed my Eyelander on my ba-

"Thunder, is that a sword?!" Colgate gasped, tugging me down so she could look at the weapon. I was helpless against how adorable she looked when interested in a things. Her eyes were wide and she was running her hooves down the shaft of the blade. The thing I felt uncomfortable with was the fact that she had missed the blade when she was rubbing it, and started running a hoof down my wingbase, and I tried to conceal the pleasure that such an impromptu massage was bringing. She wasn't showing any signs of stopping; instead, she opted to continue, but faster. That's when I knew she meant it.

"You like that?" she giggled, blushing slightly. I moved my head back as she moved to my neck, giving a neck massage too. "Come back to my Hotel, Thunder. Think of this massage as a 'thanks for saving Canterlot' gift from me and the girls." 'And the girls?' There's several of them?

"B-But..." I groaned. "...I-I already have LunaaaAAAAHHHhhhh..."

"Oh, come on, Thunder." she giggled as I followed her in a different route to her hotel. "Loosen up! You're so serious recently!"

"Well, I have things to be serious about." I sighed in reply.

"Like blowing up Changelings with a grenade launcher, then decapitating one like you did last night?" How does she know that? "That doesn't seem serious, especially when you began laughing at Varkid's corpse."

"Who's Varkid?" I asked. Colgate froze.

"Umm, a Changeling. I, uh, heard about him."

"Where?"

"In Equestria Daily."

"Really?"

"Yes."

"What section, page, and issue?"

"Ermm, blue section...4...issue 100?"

"Where's Colgate?"

"I'm right here."

"Really?"

"Yes."

"Then how come your eyes are glowing greener?"

"Uh..." I didn't give it the chance to drop its disguise. I drew the Eyelander, and used the force from pulling it out to lop 'Colgate's' head off. It dropped to the floor, and the chitin-crafted image of a Changeling came into view. As I went to put the Eyelander away, I couldn't help but feel more powerful.

I left the dead Changeling on the floor and went back to the castle.

"Thunder," Celestia asked at breakfast. "What's up with your eyes?" I blinked.

"My eyes?" I asked, putting some toast in my mouth.

"Yes." Luna replied, leaning over the table slightly. "They're...glowing."

"It's probably nothing. Maybe an eye infection or something. I dunno. But who cares, they're glowing, and that's cool." I answered. Just then, there was a voice.

Thunder.

Yes, sexy?

This guy...this 'DeGroot', he calls himself, he's getting stronger. He's hooking up his power with you. I think you have a friend.

Good. Mr Degroot, how will my rewards stack up?

The more heads the blade removes, the more powerful I become. In return for the power you're helping to grant me, I grant you abilities. At head one, I bestow upon ye disguise vision, and Changeling disguises become less effective. At head two, you are granted the power of fear induction to those who mean your mind, body, and soul harm. At head three, thou may cause a Unicorn's spells to become nearly null, giving you the advantage with which to remove their heads. Upon reaching head 4, I will cast ye into a world in which the women and mares are more open to your suggestions. On head 5, I shall summon defensive plating to protect against imminent damage. And upon head 6, ye shall be a near god, able to overcome the mightiest foes...just keep taking heads for thine powers to open...heeeeeaaaadssss...

...

...

...well.

Hmm. That was weird in a cool way.

Yup. I think I'm on 2 heads right now. Both Changelings.

Don't tell the Princesses.

I heard.

As did I.

Whelp, shit. I'm probably going to pleasure myself for a while, so you have fun explaining how you're now possessed by an evil spirit.

Oh come on, Nightmare...don't be a sexy, kinky little bitch...

I will be tonight.

Rawr.

Celestia, shut up.

That's MISTRESS Celestia. We had a deal all those months ago, and you still haven't fulfilled it, so therefore, I am still your Mistress.

WHAT?! I DID THE DEAL, I'M WITH LULU! WHAT DID I MISS?!

My massage. You know, the one where you'd have to knead all my tensions away with your hooves...

Shut up, you're making it sound like I'd enjoy having to massage your butt.

If your friend Ebony is willing to lick it, kiss it, press his face into it, and worship it, you'll have no problem with me.

I bloody will.

You just admitted it: You'd enjoy touching my flanks.

Go to hell, and tell the Devil I'm coming for him next.

What if we swap lovers for a day or two?

Well, that'd work. Ebony's open for it, you're open for it, and it gives Thunder an excuse to ravage me.

ADMIN: Celestia was kicked from the chat. Reason: "Fuck off and take your sexually attractive ass with you."

Music, and Ghandi nuking my brother.

"So," I began as the girls, lads and I trotted into the streets of Canterlot. "What do you guys want me to help you with today?"
"Thunder," Twilight replied, "You've done enough recently; you gibbed a group of disguised Changelings, decapitated another, and saved another stallion's life. You deserve a rest."
"No, seriously, I'm fine with working. It means things tend to run more smoothly at the wedding. Is there something you haven't inspected yet? Reception music, perhaps?" Applejack thought for a moment as we all stopped on a street corner.
"Well, ah'm gonna go visit Solar in hospital, and afterwards ah'm in the kitchen for food making, so this ain't gunna affect me." she noted.
"Twilight and I are going shopping to get some important wedding supplies." Inferno added as Twilight nodded in agreement.
"I'm helping the Royal Gardeners for the day so everything's perfect for the reception." Ebony continued.
"Sky's helping me train for the Sonic Rainboom." Rainbow cut in.
"I'm on dress making duties while Fluttershy practices her bird's singing." Rarity finished. "I don't see why you couldn't have a day off." I frowned.
"Well, I still think I need to do something." I sighed. "I mean come on, it's unlikely you'll do everything today, because there'll be something you need to do tomorrow that I could have helped with today."
"Fine, if you're so insistent on working, go check how the Reception Music's doing. I think the two DJ's are a stallion named Skipped Beat and Vinyl Scratch, who you know, so just see what they're doing together." The group simultaneously chuckled at Rarity's orders. After that was over, we all went our seperate ways, and I reached into my pocket. A small piece of paper with the location of my brother's van was the only thing I needed to know, so I began to head there.

I entered the dark alleyway, with the only light source being the blue lights in my eyes that had become brighter when I decapitated 'Colgate'. In the minimal light, I could make out boxes, litter, homeless shelters, and other things related to south London. But, at the end of the alleyway there was a metal thing reflecting the light my eye produced. After approaching cautiously, I made it out to be my brother's black DJ van. I knew it was occupied, since there was two voices inside, discussing music. I smirked, and knocked on the door with a hoof. A few seconds later, the van door slid open, and light filled a small segment of the alley. Looking back at me from two swivelly office chairs was Vinyl, with her goggles above her eyes, and my brother, who was wearing a pair of Beats headphones.
"Hey guys." I said calmly. "I'm here to check on the music for the reception."
"Sure, come on in." Skipped replied, moving out of the way and unfolding a small office chair. I sat down on it, and Vinyl turned around as well to face me. "Well, we've already got a playlist of something romantic to start with, and as the night progresses and the city carries on partying, the music gets more..."
"Bassy." Vinyl finished for him. "The only thing we need doing now is getting the speakers set up around the Canterlot Plaza, since that's where the crowds'll be."
"That's a brilliant start." I nodded. "How are you going to link the van's sound systems to the speakers?"
"By teleporting it to the top garden." Skipped said calmly. "Y'know, 'cause that's hoe this family rolls."
"True." I replied. "But is it really a city-wide party?"
"Not really," Vinyl replied, "Most of the music's in the plaza, which is well away from the residential areas, so we won't get the neighbours angry with any...what did you call them? Daft Punk?"
"Yeah." Skipped replied. "And best part is that after this, Vinyl and I are thinking of-"
Say relationship and I'll have another 2 heads for my Eyelander.
"-collab of songs and music!"
"Well, that'll get you both some money if it sells. Otherwise, let's see how many songs you have lined up."

A few hours went like that; we sat in the van, listening to the human music I missed out on since I arrived in Equestria. Daft Punk released a brilliant song, 'Get Lucky', Imagine Dragons and their 'Radioactive' song, among other brilliant music and remixes. It was pretty depressing to know Earth was doing fine without my friends and I, but I was fine with it, since I was sleeping with two mares. Two. Including that drunken one-night stand with Spitfire, three.
Once they were done for the day, Vinyl left me and my brother in his van, and we sat in silence as he did a few things on his iTunes account.
"Sooo..." I began.
"No, I don't fancy her." Skipped finished. "And I have a question, what's up with your eyes?"
"Y'know that game I played back home? TF2?"
"Yeah."
"One of the classes, Medic, turns out to be a living creature, and I've been helping him unbox Mann Co. Crates. Everything we unbox, we share, so I got hold of an Eyelander. It's haunted, and obsessed with heads. Every head I take with the blade gives me more power, and makes my eyes glow more. So after about 5 or 6 heads I'll look terrifying."
"Wow. Got anything you wanna give me?"
"Sure. Doktor left a pile of stuff in the warehouse and said we could help ourselves to whatever's there, since none of us need them, so I could go grab a few hats or guns or something."
"Alright, cheers." Skipped turned back to his Mac Mini (That damn MacFaggot), and continued his game of Sid Meier's Civilization: V.
"Who you playing as?"
"Aztecs."
"Go attack Germany, they're all bumblefaggots with nice shit."
"Cool, I'll do that."

A few hours later...

"So, how'd your day go?" Celestia asked at dinner.
"The reception music is doing well, the wedding is pretty much prepared, and my brother got nuked."
"What?" Twilight cut in.
"He slapped Germany and India were their allies."
"Ghandi is meant to be peaceful yet uses the most nukes." Luna added.
"Yes. Now to an important conversation." I said firmly, slamming a hoof on the table. Everybody gave me a confused glare. "Who's going to do something they're going to regret at the wedding reception?"
"Fleur de Lis is what I'm gonna do." Bush Whacker called out. The sound of a slap was heard, and an Australian grunt of pain. I facehoofed.
"You really need to get a marefriend." I called back.

Thunderpan, because this chapter's totally not here to fill space.

I woke up in the middle of the night. It was weird, I never did that. But considering that Luna wanted nothing but rest after having to listen to one of Blueblood's speeches for a few hours, I was still awake. In fact, from what Luna knew about how much rest I'd ever need, she said I wouldn't 'need' rest for a maximum of 10 days before I started feeling actually tired. I decided I might sneak off for the night and go find something to do. Quietly, I rolled out if bed and looked over the stuff in my wardrobe. Weapons, hats, and miscs. I had opened a door containing TF2. I stared at all my options. Finally, I settled on a set I hadn't tried but had always wanted to.
I didn't put it on normally, oh no. I slammed my face into the pile of objects and came out with Dangeresque, Too? glasses that Medic had been given by Demoman, and a Bounty Hat. I grabbed my saddle bag and filled it with the Stout Shakos I had hoarded. Finally, I looked into the corner and saw my two weapons; a Chargin' Targe, and the almighty pan. I put those on and calmly marched out the door to the balcony. I gazed over ~~my empire of pan~~ Canterlot with the white shutter glasses obscuring lines into my vision. Nodding with an almost stupid expression on my face, I headed back inside and went out into the corridor. I received dodgy looks at my attire from the two Night-Guards. I put my Demopan face on and looked to one. Sharply, and causing him to recoil, I offered out my pan with the Stout Shako on it.
"-obvious joke-" I proudly declared. He gave a blank stare, his bat-like eyes trying to find some sort of humour in it.
"Erm...no thanks." he replied in an authorative voice.
"Demopan?" I asked.
"Yes, sir. That is a pan." he replied.
"Yus!" I said finally, before charging down the corridor. I had many Shakos to sell, and those two idiots couldn't stop the Thunderpan.

I trotted home with my saddle bags laden with diamonds and rare metals. Evidently they were popular hats, and I sold a good fourth of them. Bear in mind I'm in a cartoon, don't even ask how I fit all of them in there. And it isn't even worth asking why the ponies who bought them were
A) Willing to buy Stout Shakos from a stallion with a frying pan, shield, pirate hat and shutter glasses, and
B) Even awake in the first place.
Anyway, I made a fair few bob from that, and I could boast to Inferno that I'm a better Demopan than he was in TF2, because I sold more Shakos.

"Thunder, what are you wearing?" Luna groaned as she woke up to me coming in with my amazing clothes.
"Demopan?" I replied, staring at her. She gave a tired look, and lay back down from her sitting up position next to Nightmare.
"OK, fine, have fun." she yawned, before placing her hoof on Nightmare's flank. The misty mare emitted a quiet murmur and placed her own hoof on Luna's-

Once that was out of my system, I began to patrol the streets with my usual equipment; Cowboy hat (Now with blue Team Spirit Trophy Belt!), jacket, Tooth Kickers (Team Spirited!), Loch and Load, my trusted weapon Flip, and the Eyelander. I still had just two heads. It was cold, but I wasn't as tired as normal for some reason. Maybe it was all the late nights and early rises. I had both eyes narrowed as I trotted down the streets looking for Changelings. Nothing stuck out that much, but as I passed the alleyway where my brother had parked his van, I paused. Coming from inside was the sound of two voices, one male, one Vinyl's. I rolled my eyes and continued.

"You." a female voice said from behind me. I stopped, and carried on looking straight ahead. "Halt."
"Yer makin' a mistake, lass." I chuckled calmly. "Whit ye see on me back is nothin' o'her than the accursed Eyelander, a haun'ed blade forged fer generations in the bowels o' captured English knights. Right now I'd only 'ad two heads, but if you don't back off I'll make it three."
"You may try, but there'd be no fun for you later in the year." I turned, and the mare in question had light blue hooves, and horn, and a long black hooded cloak over her head. I recognised the voice. She levitated over a small piece of paper with directions...from my house in Ponyville to a cemetery?
"Who the bloody hell are ye, lass?" I asked, staring at the page.
"Go there on Nightmare Night. That is all." With that, the mare faded, leaving me shitting myself because I'd met a ghost.

"Thunder?" Twilight asked at the breakfast bar the next morning. "You look like you've seen a ghost."
"I did."
"You didn't."
"I did."
WHAM
"Thunder, calm down."
"Celestia, you just slapped me."
"Because it's fun."
"Slap something else."
"Like my bum? You know you like it."
"Ebony, slap her."
WHAM
"OHH! EBONY, DARLING! DO IT AGAIN TONIGHT, PLEASE!"
"Whelp, all eyes on us. Cheers, Celly."
"No problem."

Chapter 100, and a few thousand words.

So, I suppose now a normal author would write about how he's thankful everybody read his story, who to thank, questions, and etcetera...

...

...

...

...

NOPE.AVI

I'M NOT DONE HERE, I HAVE SEASON 3 TO DO, YOU SONS OF BITCHES!

That time, I didn't even bother sleeping. I stayed awake, sat on the rooftops overlooking the entirety of Equestria, thinking about the events that had brought me this far. I was the only one, it seemed, to remember: One year before that day, also the day of the Royal Wedding, my friends and I first decided to go left. Going left brought us to Equestria, going left got us into new lives, going left changed our lives. And I was the only one...thinking. My friends were all asleep in guest chambers with their lovers, blissfully sleeping next to those who had their backs the whole way through the year. And I was just sat on a rooftop on my own, my two lovers (Well, one lover and one misty bound servant) both asleep beside each other and blissfully unaware that I was on my own. I was fine, though: I needed the thinking time.

I looked down at the city streets below, and at the gently illuminated roads, alleys, and homes. No house lights were on from where I could see, not even Octavia's house, and she normally had some lights on, with soothing music coming out of the walls as well. However, those ponies I could see were making themselves unnoticable, trying not to cause any sounds that might awake everybody in the streets. They just trotted quickly, before going into their homes and slamming the doors. In the far off distance, I could make out the small lights of Ponyville, and just offset were the lights of Applejack's farm. I hadn't seen her for a while, not since she visited Solar. Apparently he was up and walking, but just...quiet. The experts were saying he'd be talking again a few days later, but I did worry for him.

My only thing I could think about after that was what I had become. I looked down at myself, at Thunder Mustang. I'd begun life in Equestria mildly insane, social, and trying to lay low. Now, I was a grenade, bullet, fire, and obscenity shooting stallion, using weapons to destroy all foes, with a job as an assassin and lover of the Moon Goddess. I sighed and looked at my hooves without the boots on. They were worn, ruffled, and had a few patches of dry blood on them, but they were...mine. I groaned and tilted my head back as I reclined on the roof. My hat acted almost as a pillow as I let my head rest against the tiles and simply stared at the night sky.

"Beautiful, ain't it?" a sudden voice asked, causing me to jump. Beside me lay Bush Whacker, wearing almost the same clothes as me, except the sunglasses. "Someone should take a picture."

"Uh, yeah." I replied, calming down slightly. "Y-You kind of get used to it when you date a moon goddess, and even more used to it with early mornings and late nights."

"How late?" Bush queried.

"About two-three-ish in the morning." I answered after a moment's thought. Bush persisted.

"How early?" he persisted.

"About two-three-ish in the morning." I answered again. "I've only been needing a short amount of sleep recently, so I suppose the Night Princess really has rubbed off on me."

"Yeah, I hear you. You really did win when ya bagged her, ya know that?" Bush suddenly said. He didn't even sound that guilt of admitting it. "Finest mare in Equestria. Bloody nobles have been trying to get in her chambers for years, using all sorts of crazy schemes. You get in through charm, then get it on with her bloody dark side? Crikey."

"Aye," I replied. "Suppose." There was about 10 minutes of silence as we watched the stars, before one of us spoke again.

"You lookin' forward to the weddin'?" asked the Austallion. "I ain't. Too cheerful an' happy."

"I hear ya. I don't much like weddings." I responded. "My parents had one back home, and...nah, I didn't enjoy it." Bush sat up and looked over at me.

"Ahhh, question." he said with a frown. "What is it ya mean when you say 'back home'? Is this another country we're talking about?"

"Well, I've already said I'm from another place. That other place is another dimension. I didn't do much, since I lived in the United Kingdom, but mostly I played games with my friends, did odd side-jobs, and the usual stuff. Then, I ended up here by accident and started this new life." Bush remained quiet. Suddenly, he raised a hoof to speak.

"Meh, seems legit." he groaned as he stood up. "Well, I'm off, mate. Gotta go sort a few last minute things out with my perch."

"OK, see ya later." I said as I we bumped hooves. Bush trotted to the edge of the building, slid down a part of the roof, and dropped down out of sight. Just then, the sun began to rise over the horizon, and I knew I had to do something to get everybody in the castle awake. They were all, ALL, supposed to be up at around 5:30, and according to the city clock it was 5:40. I thought for a moment as I stood up, tapping my hoof to my chin. Just then, I heard a trumpet being blown quite loudly.

Stood in the courtyard below was a single soldier, with a helmet that went over his eyes, and he was blaring the bugle and pumping a hoof. "Screamin' eagles!" he yelled, before the tiny figure began charging around, before running into the outdoor barracks and punching every door in the immediate vicinity. The pre-punched doors swung open, and I could see irritated looking guards glaring at the stallion. He reminded me of the Soldier, but I advised myself against approaching him, at least until I had the maximum heads for my Eyelander.

"Oi!" one guard yelled from his doorway, causing the stallion to stop, and run back to said guard. "Shut it."

"No U." 'Soldier' said firmly, but loud enough for me to hear from the top roof. Then, Soldier charged off again and disappeared inside. All the now awake guards I could see were putting on armour, making beds, and heading off to go get showers. I chuckled to myself, and looked over to Celestia's balcony. She was over there raising the sun, her horn was aglow, and Ebony was stood beside her, leaning his grey head on her shoulder. I gave a nod to her, which she didn't see, before looking down in the streets. As usual, the two mares I recognised were out doing, or going to, work. Colgate was out delivering mail, while slightly further down the street, Octavia was entering a music store. Her mane wasn't its usual swept down and pretty state, but it seemed more like Colgate had hers.

Hell, I hadn't seen a morning like this for a whole year.

Just then, I decided to go down and see how everything was going before the wedding. I turned, ran to the edge of the roof, jumped off, and slid down the tiles. Just before I fell, I grabbed the edge, swung down, and landed through an open window right outside Luna's door. I blinked, and looked at the open window, and then the door, and then the window again, and then at the two guards outside, who also looked confused. They shrugged. "Hell, that was easy." I muttered, before nodding to them and going through the door.

The birds began to sing as the doors to the chapel swung open. In trotted the Crusaders, spreading roses as they approached the front, and behind them walked Cadence, her dress carried by some birds. Her gown was nice. Yes, I said nice. Quiet chatter was coming through my earpiece, mostly random. I carried on watching from the front row, stood next to Inferno Cloud, Ebony Chopper, Solar Blast, Fire Trail, Sky Wheel, and Skipped Beat. I'd known these guys for years, and they were here even in another dimension, all of us living lives we never could have had at home. Just then, the music stopped as Cadence finally stood beside her husband to be. Celestia smiled, and gave the usual wedding speech. The moment they were declared married, the crowd erupted into cheering, as well as my friends and I. We'd witnessed the rise of Cadence. And I totally didn't get paid off by her a few days before to smash a paparazzi camera that had been taking photos of her flanks repeatedly. :D

The whole wedding speech happened, everything else happened, but the highlight came when Rainbow shot out the window to celebrate the kiss using TACTICAL RAINBOOM. I had no idea she had killed 25 ponies to be able to do that. It all went nicely. Just then, I noticed that a few ponies were crying. I smirked, and leaned in close to their face.

"Oh, dude," I said to Applejack in my best Spanish accent. "Are you crying?"

"NO." Applejack snapped grumpily. "I DON'T HAVE TO PREPARE FOR THIS WEDDING EVERY SECOND OF THE DAY ANYMORE, I'M GLAD THIS IS DONE." I gave a Lennie face, and laughed. That balcony where the two new monarchs were kissing would be where my brother and his possible marefriend would be set up after the start of the reception, and would be blaring the likes of Daft Punk, Nickelback (Unfortunately), and other such like into a crowded city square below. Once all the usual 'congratulations' were done, I turned and prepared to leave. Just before I did, though, a stallion caught my eye. No doubt, judging by the fact he wore his lab-coat, Das Ubersternmann, a Tuxedo shirt, and had a few smaller bags on his belt, it was likely that it was Medic. I trotted over.

"Dok, you made it!" I grinned. Dok looked slightly surprised I was speaking to him.

"Ahem, um, ye-ja...?" Just as I prepared to remove his head from his shoulders, I paused. that first part had a hint of French accent...is he the Spy...? I tested my idea.

"That Spy is an enemy." I said sharply. Nopony else listened but this stallion. He looked surprised.

"I think not." he replied.

"It seems I am not the only Spy."

"Non."

"The Spy is a double-agent."

"Ugh, but of course." he smirked. The disguise dropped sharply, surprising a few other ponies. "Fine job at guessing."

"Thanks. You'll be at the reception?"

"I'm part of your group."

"Oh. I didn't know that."

"Fine job."

"Hit the showers, Frenchy."

A few hours later, when it was darker, the reception began. I was wearing my new clothing in the form of a suit, fedora, and nice shoes, and also had the Eyelander and Targe hidden in a bush just in case anything happened. But, it was the Royal Wedding, anybody who did something wrong could be put to death. Anyway, my brother had his van up on the roof with the side door open to display his gear and masses of extension cables. He had his playlist ready, but first Vinyl had her set to do from across the roof. In the centre of the area, Shining and Cadence had their first dance to slow music. And then Pinkie decided t'was party time. I was stood beside Twilight.

"Heh, this is nice." I chuckled.

"Hmm, I suppose." she replied.

"Pinkie's now here."

"Well, that's a shame."

"This was almost peaceful."

"I'll just do a quick song for the evening, and then I can get pissed."

"You're going to do wha-"

Love is in bloom!

A beautiful bride,

A handsome groom!

Two hearts...

"...yeah, I had that coming."

"You did."

"Not right now, Spy. I have to have some time to facehoof at how cheerful this is."

"...merde."

With music playing in the background, my friends and I gathered in a group with drinks, all set in front of the setting sun. Fireworks detonated in the distance and parties were heard in the streets below. It was possibly one of the most glorious days I'd seen.

"People, we've made it." I said proudly to my male friends. We all nodded in agreement, smiling. "If we're going to live forever, so be it, and we'll watch the rise and fall of this country until we die. And we'll die with dignity, knowing we did it all."

"Cheers to the future!" Inferno cheered, raising his pint.

"Cheers!" we all laughed, clinking our pints together.

-Cue Alex Claire: Too Close beginning to play in the background as the camera moves upward to the sky as credits roll, and our heroes getting smashed for the morning after-

Author's Note

Well, I sure as hell didn't expect to get this far. I'll most likely go forward with this, into later seasons, the -shudder- FILM, and other such like. Expect more famous video-game characters to reference, or even appear, an entire section based on mares in heat, and possibly another thing I've had in my head for a while.
After all, this is MY world. You ARE welcome in MY world.
Welcome, dear readers, to the World of Okhly.

I'M BATTHUNDER

I cracked my eyes open. I could feel a warmth beside me, and I assumed it was Luna, so I wrapped my arms around it, smiling as I closed my eyes and planted a kiss on her neck. The clock on the wall, from my brief glimpse, said 4:28 AM, so it was normal wake up time. I silently cursed these enchanted blankets, and rolled out of bed. The impact woke me up pretty fast, and I glanced around the room. It was pretty much normal, and lying in bed was Luna and Nightmare. Well, Luna with Nightmare inside her body, so Nightmare Moon. She was lying flanks up on the bed, eyes gently closed and armor lying on the bed table next to her. She stirred, before tugging lazily at the blankets and sighing contentedly. It was ~~sexy, because she had her flanks in my face and them cupcakes were freshly baked~~ adorable.
"D'awww." I smiled, before getting to the serious shit. "Wonder what I should wear?" I looked over at my wardrobe. Freshly hung on the door was my jacket, hat, and sheath for the Eyelander, and just below were my beloved fluffy boots. However, next to those boots was a box. It was relatively cube shaped, so contained something interesting. It had black paper wrapping it up, and a small label attached. I tentatively approached this box, and read the label.
Thunder,
I suppose you deserve these, since you helped me piss off Blueblood.
Use them with pride, Mon Amie; You earned them.
My pleasure,
- Handsome Rogue
"Heh." I chuckled, before opening the wrapping paper quietly and lifting the lid from the box. Inside said container was what I recognised as a Fedora. It had blue material, with a deeper blue band wrapping around the hat and holding in two cards; An Ace of Spades and a King of Diamonds. I chuckled, before trying it on. It was a perfect fit, unsurprisingly, since everything seemed to fit me first time. However, underneath the hat was ANOTHER object I recognised; a brown-hilted lock-knife I recognised as 'Your Eternal Reward'. I gave it a twirl, and put it down. I smiled.
"Now I know what I'm wearing today." I chuckled, before going to the wardrobe where I stored all my clothes I had unboxed. A Business Casual and Sneaky Spats of Sneaking were sat, colours matching my new hat, in a suit bag. I put them on, and admired myself for a few minutes. I was finally a Fancy Spy. All that was needed, I thought as I approached my weapons wardrobe, was a Festive Ambassador. This meant I could pop heads left and right, and look stylish at the same time.
"Is good." I chuckled. I gave Nightmare Moon a quick kiss as I went past, and left the room.

The streets were pretty quiet. It seemed the only ponies up were intending to clear up the streets from last night and go home, but I knew where I was heading, and I was going to do the manliest thing I'd ever don't ever at all in my life, 1v1 me, quickskopez.

I was going to give mares flowers.

The only reason I had for doing that was because they seemed to like me as a friend/didn't slap me. Friends give flowers. Or some shit. Anyway, I stopped off at a flower shop, and bought two boquets of flowers. One bundle of Purple Mandarins, and a cluster of Bluebells and Daffodils. I had the intention of dropping them on Octavia and Colgate's individual home adresses, because they were the closest. Then, when I returned to Ponyville, I could do the same for all the mares who actually bothered to not slap my shit the moment they saw me. So, I apporached Colgate's door first. The house was pretty quiet, and I knew it was hers since I'd been before. Making sure nopony was looking, I pulled the flowers from off my back, and placed the bundle on Colgate's doorstep. Then, I cantered away whilst rapidly chanting the original Batman theme tune as I advanced to Octavia's house. It was a few blocks away, but still easy to reach quickly. I encountered nopony on the route, but I still kept an eye out for anypony who might start a massive media-storm because I delivered flowers to Octavia's house and not...up Luna's ass or something. Just as I reached the building, I heard a faint noise. It sounded like a cello being played quite gently, with the occasional pause, before it was started again. I was momentarily entranced by the music, before snapping out of it. Just before I put the flowers down, I stopped, and sighed. Finally, I raised a hoof and knocked on the door. The music stopped entirely, and hoofsteps were heard coming down the stairs. Finally, the door clicked open.
"Hello, Octavia." I said politely. The grey mare blinked and rolled her eyes.
"Yes Thunder, what do you want?" she sighed.
"Ahhh, actually I was gonna give you these." I replied, pulling out the flowers. Her eyes went wide and she smiled, collecting the flowers.
"Awww, thank you." she giggled. "But it's not my birthday?"
"No, I'm giving these to every mare who hasn't treated me like crap for the past year. I'm also wearing this suit, so it implies that I'm more stylish than I actually am." Octavia laughed.
"Well, thank you very much." she said firmly, before issuing a heart-attack inducing hug. "I'll be sure to knock for you first when Luna kicks you out."
"Well, not a nice thought, but thank you." I chuckled, turning and trotting away. "I'll see you around, with your incredible-"
"Music?" she cut in.
"...yeah." I agreed.

When I got back to the chambers, I immediately went to the bathroom and looked in the mirror. My eyes were glowing brighter, now with small particles drifting off upwards past my hat brim. I frowned.
"Hell." I grunted, facehoofing. "Who died?"
"A changeling." a sudden voice said in my ear. I nearly pulled my revolver, but there was a relaxing touch under my chin. Nightmare, now fully in my view, had her usual sultry eyes, and was running her hoof around the underside of my snout, nearly entrancing me. Her eyes almost completed the job of entrancement, but mostly it was the purring voice in my ear that had me under her control. I felt dazed. "Shhhhh..." she whispered, using her free hoof to pull my own away from the weapon I was reaching for. "There we go...good boy. Now then; I have Lulu under my control, and I think we should change for a bit." The feeling of Nightmare Moon going inside me was felt, but I remained still, continually being seduced by Nightmare.
"You'll be the sexiest stallion alive. Luna will be normal; still sexy with blueberry flavoured flanks. And I will be helping run the show. But first, take your suit off, dear. Don't want it being ruined by the transformation, now, do we?"

I told you Nightmare was a good mare.

I felt...different.

I could feel a bitingly cold wind all over my body, as I found myself lying sideways with snow falling to ground in front of my vision. Why was I in the mountains? I grunted as I got up, before moving a hoof to rub my forehead. As far as I knew, there were no bumps, bruises, or cuts; just my ethereal mane and horn wait what the fuck? Panicking, I grasped the sharpened spike in my hooves, looking around desperately for something reflective. From the corners of my eye, I noticed I was a lot taller, and also a darker shade of blue. I didn't bother with that, so I put all 4 hooves to snow and began to gallop. I had no idea where I was going, but it was downwards, so I was relatively satisfied with the route. I was going pretty fast as well: but speed is no match for military might when they find there's a new Alicorn, and is male. I'd probably be forced to marry some stuck up noble if that's how the hell the system works.
"What in the Sam hell happened to me?!" I shouted over blizzard conditions. My voice seemed a tad more into the G-major region, like a demon, and slightly deeper, not to mention more badass.
Ahhh, you're awake? Good.
MOONY?! WHAT DID YOU DO TO ME?!
Oh, a few 'upgrades' here and there, spit-shine on the other things, you know the deal...
BUT I'M A GODDAMN ALICORN! DID YOU MAKE ME WHAT YOU MADE LUNA?!
Mmm, suppose you could say that I did. Last night was rather wild, was it not?
...last...night...?
Of course, you were too busy with your vigilantism combining with my power to remember anything that happened. You went...how shall I say, one-colt Justice on Canterlot. Then, before you got captured, you teleported up here and passed out. So evidently, it was a wonderful night, which for some reason granted me masses of sexual tension. I don't think my lips have felt the need to ravage your mouth like that for quite a while, possibly since I first met you.
So I went kind of like a Green Arrow kind of thing? But, y'know, Marine Eyelander or something?
No, nopony died. It was probably since my powers don't have a tendency of blood-lust side-effects. But the new, outrageously sexy you means I can technically be in two places at once: Yours and Luna. And even then, I'll be able to exit you two and you'd keep the form for a few hours, and change back when I went in next.
So does this mean Storm Horror or whatever my name is can ravage Nightmare Moon? Sweet.
Exactly. And I can also exit you like I said, and have two of myself join in. That makes 4 of us in one session of sweet, sweet loving.
Nice. But how's everypony else in Equestria going to react to...this?
Don't worry, I'll close the doors.
No, no, not that. My new form. Will I be able to change back to Thunder when I want?
Mmm, not quite your choice, honey. I can change you to and from your Nightmare form when I decide. You technically get no say, but I'll be a good, sexy girl.
...so...what happens now?
Now? Hahaha...let's go practice medicine we show Celestia.

I flew through doors backwards, smoke pouring from my chest as I soared down a corridor without any control. Smashing hard into the wall, I could hear the classic 'breaking sentry gun' noise as my wings struggled to right themselves into loose ready positions. I winced as I picked myself up, wiping dust and blood from my fur, before the next attack came. A golden bolt of energy seared after me, before ploughing into a wall and reverting it to a melted gunge.
"Ah, shit." I murmured, smacking one side of my head to remove dust from in my ears. Finally, I put a hoof to my mouth with a frown, and called down the hallway. "Tia, would you just STOP? It's me, Thunder!"
"EXIT THUNDER AT ONCE, FOUL HELLSPAWN!" was the reply. Celestia stood in the doorway, eyes glowing golden with rage as terrified onlookers watched her slowly advance towards me with horn aglow. It was a standoff: Princess Celestis glaring down at what media would probably have named 'her most ancient and powerful foe'. Ahhh, nope, it's just me...Thunder Mustang. No wait, what was my shitty hero name? Marine Eyelander? Yeah, that. All I did was say hi. "Thou hath gone too far, Nightmare. Thou controlled my sister and now my good friend? Thou hath pushed thine luck."
"...what...?" I replied after a moment of silence in the corridor, from a few onlookers, Celestia, and myself. "Tia, believe me, if I was gonna be overtaken by a malevolent entity that grants power to its host, the Eyelander's be your sword to be angry with. Otherwise, I'm still he-"
"SILENCE!" Celestia boomed in the Canterlot Voice.
"NO U" I boomed back.
"SHUT UP, THUNDER, THIS IS BETWEEN NIGHTMARE AND I!"
"WELL, I'M STILL HERE, I'M HER HOST, AND MY THROAT HURTS FROM SHOUTING SO MUCH!"
"Let's stop shouting and continue this argument at dinner." Celestia sighed.
"Agreed." I replied, before we both left to get ready for dinner, and left onlookers confused as to what in the bat-shit had just happened.

"Soooo..." Twilight began on the train home. We'd all sat in silence as the carriage was rapidly evacuated due to my presence, and we sat in silence as they all awkwardly tried not to stare at me. "Marine Eyelander, huh?"
"Eeyup." I sighed, still looking straight ahead with a blank expression.
"Why's the fun stuff happen to Thunder?" Solar whined. He was reclined on his dearly-beloved Applejack's back as she read a book.
"Right place, right time, right marefriend." I snorted. "This kind of shit doesn't happen to Ebony, I don't think. I wouldn't know, I haven't seen him since he decided to take a political career under Celestia's guidance. Sadly, he hasn't responded to my letter about having the national anthem replaced with 'Elektro Sp00k', so that's unfortunate. But he's probably got that because he went for the goddess like I did."
"Except you also got her crazy side." Rainbow added. "And said crazy side gave you powers of...being tall and..." Rolling my eyes, I levitated a rifle maintenance book over to myself.
"Magic." I said, before snorting twice.
"But we must do something about that armour, darling." Rarity cut in, poking the Lunar Steel plates on my body. "Dark blue doesn't suit marine, I was thinking more along the lines of-"
"Gold?" Fire asked. Rarity giggled and nodded, before planting a kiss on his cheek. "I learned from the best." he chuckled.
"But hey!" Pinkie sharply jabbed in, popping out from inside my helmet which didn't surprise me at all, so I kept reading with a sigh. "If you're an alicorn this means you need a 'well done for becoming an alicorn' party! I'll invite the whole of Ponyville, and all your friends that didn't know you became an alicorn, but they might be scared of you so I'll..."

Meanwhile, in Thunder's mind...

Oh look, Pinkie's talking.
To me.
Oh look, the inner workings of a screwdriver sounds like a fun, 400 page chapter. Let's pay no attention to Pinkie and read about something that only the most pedantic man alive could write.

"...and there'll be cake and balloons and throw a spider and pin the tail on the pony..."
"Mmhmm." I murmured with a nod.
"...and Octavia and Cheerilee and Vinyl Scratch and Berry Punch and..."
"Oh, really?" I muttered. Everypony else had gone to sleep. I was amazed I was still awake after reading a chapter written by some pedantic twat who lives in a shed and writes book chapters about how a metal rod on a piece of plastic can unscrew something.
"...and hookers and strippers and booze and drugs and gunfights..."
"Mmm, sounds delightful. Hey Pinkie, I bet you can't hold your breath for 20 minutes."
"UHHH, I BET YOU I CAN!" Pinkie filled her cheeks with air, turned blue after about 20 seconds, and passed out. I smirked, and finished my chapter. Then, I moved onto the next one as the train continued its voyage down the mountain and to Ponyville. 5 hours to go, so I might as well busy myself reading about how a torque wrench is different from a spanner.
And for once, I didn't use my hooves: just good ol' magic.

Author's Note

That book was surprisingly good.
10/10 would clop to again.

Dis super-serious chapter.

The train abruptly screeched to a sharp halt, causing a small cry of surprise from the others. I let out a cry of pain, since I was thrown forward and had my horn embedded in the wooden wall up to halfway into the surface. "OW, MY GIANT BLUE HORN." I yelled, before getting my forehooves on the wall and pushing. After several attempts, it became evident that I'd need help. "Twilight?"
"Yes?" she replied, placing a hoof over her mouth to cover her blatant grin, like everyone else in the carriage.
"Halp plez." I sighed. She giggled, and ignited her own horn, and with a sharp tug I was out. I landed on my flanks, and felt really awkward since I was so big. "Danke." I said calmly as I stood/crouched slightly in case I hit the roof or doorframe. In the wall where my head had been, there was a hole. We all nodded solemnly at each other, and knew what to do.
Twilight lit her horn rapidly, and teleported us away, leaving some other sod to get in trouble for the damage. We found ourselves stood outside Gustav's Café, ponies only just realising that the Elements and their lovers were stood with a new alicorn, and he was a stallion. Instantly, there was silence.
"Um..." Twilight winced at the awkwardness. "...hi...?"
"Aye." I added calmly. My voice carried through the air, as all of Ponyville from what I could tell began to approach so they could see the new Alicorn. I rolled my eyes and groaned. "Oh, piss." I grumbled at the crowd's intrusion, before turning to the girls. "Can I go home, now?"
"No, Marine, you can't just yet." Rarity answered. "We still haven't had lunch."
"But I could get lunch at ho-?"
"No." Twilight facehoofed.
"...well...c-can you explain why no-?"
"NO." came the firm group reply. I hung my head, which surprisingly went to their head height.
"Plez?" I asked.
"I will slap your shit." Fluttershy snarled, raising a hoof violently.
"ALRIGHT ALRIGHT I GET IT." The crowds stared on blankly. They know him? I groaned. "Yes, they know me." I said out loud. "Don't be so amazed and shocked: You all do as well." Confused murmurings and glances were passed.
"No we don't, Mr Godlike-Powers." a mare I recognised as Roseluck stared back with her signature, adorably worried face*.
"You know Thunder Mustang, yes?" I replied. There were cautious nods and facehooves, as well as grumbling about 'did she really do him?' "Silence your mumblings. This new form has been accepted by Princess Celestia and Princess Luna, my ~~waifu~~ loving marefriend, and I now have permission to use it in public. Expect to see more of this."
"Can't wait to see more of those bad boys." Colgate giggled from a table with Berry, Cheerilee, Octavia, Vinyl, Bon-Bon, and Lyra. Either in jest or a legitimate sign that I was kind of hot, she licked her lips with a seductive grin. Thankfully, the crowds had scattered before anypony but the girls saw my red face.
"Thunder," Twilight began, "I think you have a secret admirer group."
"Yes." I nodded as all 11 of us plus Dr Dr Dr Leftenant Commander in Chief Spike began to head for the library.

I was once again after a long while woken up by Twilight murmuring and flipping pages. The guys were sleeping at home, but since our house was too far and it was raining, plus Twilight wanted to find out about Alicorn anatomy, I was also sleeping by the bookshelf. Unfortunately, this meant that to reach some books, Twilight was pushing either her nether regions or her ~~flanks that even I liked~~ bum into my face.
I found it to be both an interesting, arousing experience when she fell over and landed on my face.
Errm, a-anyway, when Twilight was just over my head, she dropped a book on my face, and unsurprisingly it went into my eye and bounced and went in again. I sighed at the pain, and simply stood up. Twilight rolled her eyes as I purposefully placed my neck against her face and glared down at her 'angry-Lulu' style.
"Seriously?" she sighed, adjusting her glasses. "It's just us two here in the library at the moment, and you're going to stand in front of me like you're going to suck my horn?"
"You were the one who was nearly purposefully shoving your love-juice maker in my face, and just so happened to 'fall' on me and take about 20 minutes to get up." I shot back. "Then you did it again, but with your ass."
"Well, I was...eh..." Twilight began to slow down, shrivelling and blushing, whilst rubbing a leg with a hoof. I cocked my head and raised an eyebrow.
"Yes?" I said impatiently.
"...enjoying the feeling when you tried to talk but rubbed it up in a good way with your mouth?"
"Oh wow." I groaned. "And you're seriously with Inferno? Hold those lusts in, woman!"
"I can't help it!" she cried, practically breaking down into tears. She looked pitiful. "Ever since you picked up that infernal sword, an-and got Nightmare into your body, you-you...changed how I see you. I don't know what happened, but you're tall, dark, dare I say handsome, you fight evil, bust crime, save lives, and now you're an alicorn?! How is that not attractive?! Even I WANT YOU! I have to be losing it or something for this to happen! I already have someone who loves me, keeps me company at night, and now I have an eye for YOU? The fuck is wrong with me?!" The once great unicorn was now on the floor in tears, huddled up in a way that made her seem so tiny. I frowned, and looked at one of my hooves. Then, carefully, I knelt down next to her and put a hoof on her shoulder. She snivelled slightly, and looked up in confusion. I stared blankly at her for a moment, thinking of what to say.
"...there there." I said in a monotone voice. I almost heard a studio audience laughing. Twilight looked like she was trying either not to laugh, or continue crying, and I was hoping for the first option. After another moment, I tried putting on a comforting smile, which evidently came out as a rape face. "~~Sheldon's~~ Thunder's here...?" I groaned loudly, and smacked a hoof on the floor. "Damn it, it didn't work." I sighed.
"No, no, it's fine." Twilight assured, shaking her head. "I-I'm just kind of frazzled from the past few days. I just haven't sat down with a magazine and ~~clopped~~ read for a while, or spoken to somepony as a friend rather than bodyguard, lover, or anything. It's be nice if...we could sit and talk?"
"Aye, sure." I smiled. "What did you want to talk about?"

~~And nothing sexual happened~~ So we just talked. About...everything, really. It went from friends, to the awkward point about sex, then onto politics, science, news, all sorts. Then, that's when I remembered something. The note from my house to the graveyard. I raised a hoof.
"Twilight, can I ask a question?" I asked.
"Sure, what is it?" she replied. I levitated out the small note.
"Do you believe in ghosts, by any chance?" Twilight blinked at the question as she carefully took the note. She cast her eyes onto it, then looked confusedly back at me.
"Where'd you get this?" she murmured, putting her small reading glasses on and once more hovering over the page. "I didn't know there was a cemetery near Ponyville. Who gave it to you?"
"That's the weird part; Y'know when I said I'd seen a ghost? I wasn't lying. I went to a run-down part of Canterlot early in the morning, and there was this mare. She had a hood, but gave me this and told me to 'go there on Nightmare Night'. Then, she...faded, I suppose. Just out of view. I can only assume this is going to lead up to something, and that this cemetery might only appear on Nightmare Night." Twilight nodded slowly, before getting up and moving to a cabinet. She looked at the contents for a moment, namely books and scrolls, before levitating out a blue backed book, with a skull on the front.
"Supernatural events probably have some form of link if they tell a living creature to go someplace at a certain time." she read from the book in explanation, "Ghosts will usually have an obsession with objects or places they had an emotional attachment to in life."
"So she might have someone buried at this graveyard that she dearly loved?" I asked.
"I'd assume. Let's see if we can find anything about this mare." Once again, Twilight got up, put her book away, and moved to another shelf. She grabbed a book of similar appearance to her other book, and sat down with it again, before flipping to the index. "Which street was this encounter made on?"
"Haydon Road." I responded. After a moment, Twilight flipped through to a page, and right there was an illustration of said mare. "Yeah, that's her." I said, pointing my hoof to the image.
"So, it's her." Twilight began. "Apparently her name was Phys Fun. She was around before Celestia and Luna, and died at the start of their rule by the hooves of a lynch mob. According to those who knew her, she had a strange obsession with a cemetery outside Ponyville, and she'd spend days at a time there. Said graveyard apparently contained creatures and freaks from a different universe made out to be 'sillier' than ours, but with highly dangerous creatures. It turns out that she was planning to resurrect them all and bring a new era of chaos for herself, but obviously misunderstood the line 'We're heard to lynch you'. Her famous last words were evidently NOT creepy, when she said 'I'm not done, mongrels. Not by a looooong shot.' So, we're dealing with what may as well be a ghostly necromantic witch who had ties with Discord. Fun."
"Are we gonna tell Celestia about this?" I asked. "I mean, if something goes wrong, yeah, I'll have weapons, but these are apparently powerful creatures. It'd be good to have extra firepower from the sun goddess."
"She'll be too busy." Twilight sighed. "Hell, she'll probably be asleep. In fact, you'd probably be more powerful than her by October, so why do we need her with us?"
"I suppose." I muttered. "But are we all gonna go?"
"We should ask them tomorrow." Twilight said, standing up. "But now, I get the feeling we should be going to bed. You've got to settle back in tomorrow."
"But you still didn't look at my anatomy." I noted. She paused, and looked up for a moment.
"Damn." she sighed, facehoofing. "Go downstairs, and strap yourself down. I'll go get everything I'll need."

So...I kind of...me and her...yeah.

"I did not know you could make such nice sandwiches, Thunder." Twilight said politely after she had finished touching my wings and horn. It was a while, it was ticklish, and there came a point where she nearly used her tongue for something to do with my hooves, but otherwise, she was going to report these findings to a university and get a rather nice income of 400,000 bits. We were both in the kitchen.
"I know, right?" I replied. "Maybe it comes with alicorn magic that it adds flavours to things."
"My magic makes things taste like passion fruits, so I suppose it's that."
"Because I mean, I'm getting a hint of blueberry muffins, that the same for you?"
"Mmm, I get more of a taste of...ummm..."
"What?"
"Well..."
"Go on, I won't be insulted."
"...lady cum."
"And you'd know how that tastes?"
"Remember I had that 8-way in Appaloosa with the others?"
"Uh-huh."
"Rarity's tasted like peaches."
"Mind if I taste yours?"
"Sure, go ahead."
-totally canon sex scene here that I didn't do just because Twilight R34 is actually kinda hot-
"I can see where the taste of blueberry muffins you're coming from is. I get that taste too, did you make these different?"
"No, I didn't."
"What do you taste from my sandwich?"
"Yeah, I can see why Inferno likes you."

Author's Note

*Pics please, gentlemen.

Medic is old.

The next morning, I awoke in a pink bedroom, in a double-bed. I rolled over, and looked. Staring back at me were Rarity's eyes, and they were ~~strangely hypnotic and sexy~~ looking at me with the same look of confusion. We both looked at each other, before I spoke.
"That was an interesting evening." I said, blushing slightly. "If I may say so, the lingerie really did bring out your flanks, and literally I wanted to kiss them for hours."
"You did, darling." she replied. "To be honest, the fact that I'm single now opens me a whole world of possibilities, and if I was able to lure even the impenetrable Thunder Mustang into worshipping my flanks, then I could get any stallion I want with minimal effort."
"Have you not considered a modelling career?" I asked.
"Oh, no, darling. I just couldn't deal with the thought of stallions everywhere pleasuring themselves over my delightful, mesmerizing flanks. Do you not agree?"
"Yes mistre-Ah, I mean, Rarity. Heh." I chuckled. "Let us never speak of this again."
"Agreed. But one last time, just for good measure?"
"Mmm...I dunno if I should...it feels really weird sleeping with you even for a night, but your tongue tastes lovely and British. Erm..."
"I can give you hat and miscellaneous fashion tips, so the Hornblower and Tooth-Kickers have a hat that works."
"Screw it, I'm going into your sexy English mouth."

I trotted over to the platform as the train arrived. The only pony with me was Inferno, mostly because he just wanted to speak with Dok. Surprisingly, the Pegasus already knew about my encounter with Rarity, and just opted not to squawk. I still owed him an AWPer Hand, so that was unfortunate, but a worthy price so nopony, specifically Octavia, thought I liked British mares. He'd opted to wear some simple clothes; a suit and Der Übersternmann and he looked kind of like a member of the Gestapo, but that didn't bother me. I was wearing a Hornblower uniform, my Tooth-Kickers, and to my much orgasmic pleasure, an Unusual Team Captain with the 'Dead Presidents' effect. Basically, a little thingmyjiggy of money that flew around my head in circles but could never be grabbed. I received envious glares from everypony I saw.
"So, how was she?" Inferno asked, both of us looking at the train straight ahead.
"Firm, has a nice ass, looks good in lingerie." I replied calmly. "And Twilight?"
"Her lady cum tastes of muffin."
"So I know." I responded. "Anyway, where's Dok? This is his train." There was the sound of a cough to the right of us, and we looked. Smiling back at us was Dok, bags on his back and what looked like a Gentleman's Gatsby on his head and a pipe in his mouth. His glasses were also tinted darker.
"Hallo, meine freundes!" he said cheerfully. I smiled as we trotted over to help him with his bags. He passed a saddlebag to Inferno, who was literally concealed by the larger object, and he gave me a couple of satchels to carry. "Danke for inviting me, Thunder." Dok said as we all left the station. "This should get us a few new things to play with around Equestria, ja?"
"Yeah," I replied, "Apparently, these are freaks that are from another dimension all-together. Hopefully not our dimension, because then we'd know them, but maybe..."
"Vagineer?" he replied. Inferno and I looked at him.
"Engineer would do that?" Inferno asked.
"Oh, ja, he would." Dok replied, blowing a small puff of smoke from his pipe. "When Engi got hungry, his mouth deformed and he would speak in a garbled way until we gave him a sandvich or meat of some description. It was nothing serious; to be honest he proved quite the distraction to the enemy team. Just put him at the spawn and watch him go." he chuckled. "Ahhh, anyway. Ponyville is a nice place, I'm surprised I didn't move here."
"Hmm, I suppose it'd be a nice place for a...how old are you?" I asked.
"When I left BLU, I was around 55. Now, multiply that age by 20, and you have my age, ja?"
"Umm...1010?" Inferno answered. "Christ."
"I suppose that means you have the right to wear a Gatsby cap and smoke a pipe." I chuckled.
"Well, you're young. You stick to running, jumping, and having sex with multiple mares, and you'll be fine. Just remember your gun."

We got back to the house at about half four, since Cheerilee, Bon-Bon, Colgate, Octavia, and Lyra wanted to meet the Medic, and that conversation went on as Dok told them of some adventures he'd had back in the day. Cheerilee seemed to be eyeing the guy with 'the look', but he didn't notice. Anyway, when we got home, I showed Dok to his room. It was a simple affair, with a bed, a radio, a desk, a chest of drawers, bedside table and lamp, and a window. It was rather nice, but I had my room, and my Celestia VS Thunder plaque on my wall, so I'd be in my room. As he unpacked his stuff, I stood in the doorway and simply watched the stallion taking out all kinds of safety gear; a Medi-Mask, Das Hazmattenhatten, boots, more pipes, and at the bottom was his signature outfit, with the little rubber gloves as well. It amazed me he came so prepared.
Once he was done, he began to convince us that he should make dinner. And after several hours of saying that he was a guest and that Sky should cook, he finally won and we went about helping him. He didn't like it at first, but we were best friends with the Elements, surely some of their magic rubbed off on us?
Them, maybe.
Not me.

"Dok, that was brilliant." I said politely. "What was it?"
"Oh," he replied. "Old family recipe. Used it to feed the Jews hiding from the Gestapo in our house, and they loved it."
"You held Jews?" Sky asked. "So, what, you hid them from the Nazis?"
"Ja." he replied with a nod.
"That was mighty heroic." Fire whistled. "Well done, Dok."
"Anyway, we ready for tomorrow night?" I asked. "That graveyard ain't gonna loot itself."
"Oh, ja, I can carry the shovels." Dok raised a hoof.
"I'll bring a few sacks and a small wagon." Fire added.
"I can help with digging." Inferno continued.
"I'll grab everythin' I can." Sky said.
"So, I guess I'm on ghost-hunting duties?" I asked. There was a group nod. "Right then. Let's go down to the pub."

This is gravely concerning. I'm deadly serious.

"Thunder," Twilight began, looking dead into the graveyard like we all were, "Are you sure we should be doing this?"

"Uh-huh." I replied casually. "We have 6 of the most powerful elements on Equis, a mass-murdering psychopath, a German who used to kill Russians and robots on his own, and we're being watched over by the Night Goddess. We'll be fine; just go through the gates and we can get to work." After a moment's pause, she sighed, nodded, and led the girls into the cemetery. "And feel free to steal anything that isn't nailed down. Y'know, 'cause they're dead and won't need it."

"You make a good point, Thunder." Dok said when everyone had already gone in. He was wearing a Team Captain, Medi-Mask, and Quadwrangler, making him look pretty sweet.

"Thanks." I replied. "Now remember; nothing is illegal in a haunted graveyard. Grab either Pinkie or Fluttershy, pull 'em to the side, and rape them for all I care. Just remember what we're here for: Freaks."

I found myself alone with Inferno. We were walking around several graves, and noting the names of some incredible freaks. "Dr. Noooo, Polite Spy..." Inferno was listing them all. Finally, we reached a grave that he bounded up and down at. "DEMOPAN?" he asked loudly. In front of the grave was the Demopan's signature gear; pan, Bounty Hat, Dangeresque, Too? glasses, and his Chargin' Targe. Instantly, Inferno picked them up and tried them on. However, something seemed off. I looked down at the grave, then at Inferno.

"Y'know," I began, "I, ah, I'll probably head off on my own now to go see what other graves are there. You stay here and play with Demopan's gear, yeah?"

"Yus." Inferno replied whilst putting the Bounty Hat on.

As I was walking away, if I'd have looked back, I would have seen the hand shooting out of the ground and grabbing Inferno by the neck.

I was on my own. I couldn't see any of the others over the gravestones, and I liked it; it meant I was alone. As I wandered around, I was sure I heard the muffled cries for help from the others but that was unlikely; it was just the graveyard playing tricks, right? I mean, yeah, it was haunted, but it was midnight. Sound carries through the night, and I'd hear it a lot better. Finally, I found an interesting grave. Lying on top was a Fancy Fedora and silvered Ambassador revolver.

Intrigued, I put the lights on my mechanical wings to the tombstone and read aloud.

"Here lies the terror of the night/Grasping, gasping, your throat for your life/Faust does not lie/For here lies the GentleSpy." I said. The smile grew with every word spoken. Without even contemplating the consequences, I reached a hoof down and picked up the hat. However, the moment it was raised from the dirt, the ground ripped open, and a gloved hand, yes, HAND, shot out and grabbed it.

"Take my hat and you WILL regret it." snarled a French voice. I gave a firm tug, and ripped it from his hands. And as I stepped back, the hand dissolved into a deep, blood-red mist, which swirled around out of the grave, around my new hat, and finally flew straight into my mouth. Almost instantly, I lost conciousness for a few moments, and the excruciating pain of possession took over.

Ahem. Pardon me.

G-G-Get...o-ou-out...p-p-please...

I think not. You, the grasping little pony, are to be my new host, if it isn't much of an issue. With my apologies, my friend.

The realm of pain finally ended, and I took a deep breath in as I opened my eyes. Everything seemed clearer. I smiled, and looked into my hoof. The hat was still there, so I simply placed it onto my head, and picked the Ambassador up from the floor. "Excellent." chuckled a voice that wasn't mine. "Now then, let us see about getting some camaraderie in this head." My legs suddenly began to move themselves to a nearby gravestone. On the trip, I noticed I wasn't blue any more; my fur was now sightly brown, and from what I could tell, my cutie mark had changed to that of a Fedora with revolver.

Suddenly, I stopped in front of a gravestone. It was shaped like a cross, and embedded in the ground in front of it were two Eyelanders, a Bushwacka, a Headtaker, and loads of other sharp weapons. I smiled against my will; I knew who this was without even seeing the Gravestone.

Christian Brutal Sniper.

"Now then; Christian, you're up." said GentleSpy. Almost instantly, every single weapon crowded together into one mist, as with GentleSpy.

"OK, mate." chuckled an Australian voice. I was forced to stand still as the mist performed the same action that GentleSpy had performed. It was only twice as painful, but I couldn't scream. Something stopped me, and I assumed it was GentleSpy's spirit. And after what felt like 5 minutes of non-stop agony, it ceased, and I realised I was different again.

G'day, mongrels!

Christian Brutal Sniper? How do I have two monsters in me?

How don't you? I believe your friends have monsters inside them, so why do you not have two? And besides, I couldn't simply leave Christian here to rot, no?

Thanks mate. With me on board, you're gonna be pullin' axes from nowhere and dismemberin' ponies in a little of the ol' chop-chop! And anyway, I don't have a form, so I'm pretty much gonna look like you, mate.

But of course. I can quite easily help with accuracy, and Dead Ringer and Cloak whenever I wish. So, effectively, you won't die. And since this form is rather attention arousing, I shall also be sharing your form with Christian. I hope this is no inconvenience, my friend?

Erm...OK? Will I still be me?

I may intervene when you wish for help with the ladies. Ohohohoho.

Plus, you'll be killin' enemies a lot more brutally with me around, plus you'll have an almost endless supply o' knives an' sharp things.

So I'll be better than before? How many evil spirits have I got inside me? Eyelander, you two, and Nightmare Moon...4. Let's see if I can make 5 by the end of the year.

I heard voices up ahead. I was back to normal, just with slightly darker blue fur, and a now-blue Fancy Fedora. Quickly, I cloaked myself, and snuck up behind a grave. I peeked over, and my jaw dropped. Stood in a group was the elements, and the guys, and Dok, but all...different. Doktor hadn't changed much; he simply had the miscs and hat of Dr. Noooo. It was mainly the girls that were different. Fluttershy was now slightly darker, with a red mane, red and white striped top hat, one red eye, and different coloured irises. Rarity was nearly the same, but with a more constrasting purple for her mane, and a purple team captain, while Rainbow was kind of cyborg-ish. Applejack now had no hat and a black mane, and Pinkie was now dark rose with the straight mane she had when she was in rape mode. Twilight, however, had changed so much. She had wings, smaller irises, and what looked like piss on top of a bible for a cutie mark. She also had a consistent frown as the girls and lads argued.

On the male side, however, I realised the guys hadn't fared any different. Sky now bore steel plates, and could only assume to have been mixed with Soldine. Inferno, on the other hoof, was now wearing Demopan gear, and Fire was a deeper orange, with Deus Specs and a brown slouch hat, plus a constant smirk. I think the freak was J.D Aussie. Anyway, Solar now had a fucked up face, and a hard-hat, so it was assumed he was dreaded Vagineer. Everybody was ignoring him and hid vagina talk. 'twas crazy.

Facehoofing, I moved inbetween the two groups, and uncloaked.

"Gentlemen?" I began, with the fedora brow pulled over my eyes with a hoof. Everypony else took defensive positions. "You are all incompetent cowards. Let us settle this like gentlemen!" Pinkie suddenly started up and shotgun-clicked towards me.

"I am Pinkis Cupcake." she said firmly, staring up at me. "I will eat you." Just as she raised a hoof to grab my shoulder, I instantly pulled out a kukri from an unidentified place, before lopping her hoof off. Everypony went silent. Did I do that? Sweet.

'Pinkis' looked at the stump, before moving back in line. "Excellent." I said, before turning to Twilight. She had a death glare. "How are you feeling, Miss Twilight?"

"The name's Brutalight Sparcake," she snapped back, "And I...feel...so..." Slowly, she began to giggle in a slightly hot way. "...alive." I smiled.

"Good to hear." I nodded. "So we all have creatures inside us?"

"Yes." Rarity replied. "I met a fellow named RubberFruit, and that's why I am what I am; Rarifruit."

"And then I met Coach." Applejack replied. "My name's Applepills, mighty nice t' meet y'all."

"I found a grave belonging to a guy named Scombine, and it turned me into this." Rainbow added. "Name's Rainbine: Primed, locked, loaded, and ready to go!"

"I have no idea." Dok sighed. "But now I can cure cancer! Hahahahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaa!"

"I met Mr. GAYPENIS." Fluttershy explained. None of us laughed at the name, it was too serious. "He came and controlled me, and if you don't stop asking questions, I'll rape your ears."

"Aye, lad." Inferno nodded. "I picked up Demopan's gear, and then he strangled me until I was dead. Now, I'm a Zombie Demopan, but my attention span decrea-STOUT SHAKO. Sorry." Inferno immediately brushed the hats away.

".reenigaV a m'I" Solar added.

"Don't care." Fire rolled his eyes in a JC Denton way. "I'm J.D Aussie, mate! Augmented bloody pony!"

"And I found a grave I forget the name of. Now I'm a Cyborg, too." Sky sighed.

"So 3 cyborgs?" I asked, tugging my hat brow. "Fine job. Now, what were you arguing over, might I ask?"

Rarifruit cleared her throat. "Well, we were discussing-"

"PILLS!" Applepills interrupted.

"No. We were discussing if we should go back to town. After all, we're mutants now, so why would nopony be terrified?"

"Have no fear, Madame." I said politely, before bowing and kissing her hoof. "I shall charm out way in. It shall be an easy task, and if I'm attacked, I have a Dead Ringer. Plus, a massive strength boost and ability to pull weapons from nowhere makes me more powerful than anything they throw. What could go wrong, my friends?" I smiled.

Everythin'.

Shut up, you.

Author's Note

To be honest, chaps, this chapter's just really to cover up what I really plan. You guys earned this for reading so far.
http://fim.413chan.net/art/src/131589693979-FrenchMaidOctavia11.png

http://th04.deviantart.net/fs70/PRE/i/2012/323/c/2/gsphere__saucy_colgate_by_zutheskunk-d5ekzk6.png

http://derpicdn.net/img/view/2013/3/14/270718.png

Toplel, chaps.
Toplel.

Stupid Open-Door Brain.

The band stopped playing as the 12 of us entered town with Brutalight and myself at the front. Ponies all around cleared a space, and simply stared in sheer terror and surprise at what we had become; 3 cyborgs, a backwards talking mutant, a non-walking psychopath that eats ponies, 2 ponies of almost similar nature, a pirate with a frying pan, one of the world's greatest doctors, a drug addict, a severe kleptomaniac, and a loud voiced creep. It was literally the most awkward moment in the world when we arrived in the centre of the dance floor at 9:30PM, surrounded by costumed ponies. Finally, I broke the silence. I made myself teleport right next to Mayor Mare, who was dressed like a clown.
"WHAT'S UP?" I practically yelled in her ear as I hovered next to her upside-down. I began chuckling until I landed headfirst onto the floor with a 'CRIT' noise ringing out loudly as it occurred. The Mayor was recoiled away and everyone else was just staring at me. When I was on both feet, I stared her in the eyes with one of my trademark 'Thunder Grins'© (I.e. Smiling, with an eye twitch. I then leapt back over to the other guys, who were smirking at my spectacularly ridiculous antics.
"W-Well..." began Mayor Mare, adjusting her afro and clearing her throat. "...erm...fillies and gentlecolts, I give you the winners of the Nightmare Night Costume Contest!" The crowd, not really knowing what else to do, simply stomped their hooves and cheered in approval. We 12, minus Dok, simply looked around in confusion, but when the band began playing and Everypony got back to dancing, our concerns were ignored.
"They have no real idea what happened to us, do they?" I asked Fluttershout over the laughs. The mare simply shrugged. "Huh." I turned to Brutalight, who frowned back at me as she normally does. "Well, that went well." I said.
"Yes, so well, in fact, that I have a migraine." she snarled, pushing her face not even inches from mine and it was actually quite terrifying. "So, to spare the miserable little lives of these ponies, I'm going home to get some silence and send Celestia some letters about what's happened. And you're coming with me."
"What, Shiela?" I laughed. Suddenly, my neck clicked sharply and slightly painfully whilst Brutalight smirked victoriously. "But of course, Madame. Lead the way, my dear."
Fuck you, Gentle.
But of course.

"Now then, you take a seat, and I'll be back in half an hour to make sure you're still there." Brutalight ordered. GentleSpy's spirit immediately made me nod, and sit down on a chair. The mare rubbed a hoof in my mane. "Good boy. Stay, or I'll remove your head." As the mare went up the stairs to where her room was, I flicked a light on above the table, and put down my Fedora, Ambassador, Dead Ringer, and removed the Cloak and Dagger from around my wrist. I placed these all on the table, and set about disassembling and cleaning the Ambassador. Just then, I got a call.
Hi, Thunder!
Hi, Lulu!
It's been a while since I spoke to my lover, so how've you been? Anything exciting happen?
Well...umm...
Go on. Tell 'er, mate.
Ohh, Thunder, who's your new evil spirit with you as a host?
I'm the Christian Brutal Sniper, Shiela! I'm the best! An' this here's my mate GentleSpy!
I extend my greetings. I must say, you're looking simply delightful, Miss Luna.
Ah, haha, well, I, ah, wow. Heh. Thank you.
No thankings necessary, m'lady. I'm French, we're all gentlemen who go on strike.
Yep, that sounds like the modern-day French, minus the gentlemanly part.
You know the French?
These are guys from Earth. I know all the damn places there, and lived just over the pond from France. So I think I know a bit about the damned French, especially considering that we English have hated the French for most of our rainy existence.
We're discussing gentlemen? Ooohh, Shining, dear! Join in, quickly!
Cadence! Haven't spoken to you for ages!
Hey there, Thunder! How's life?
It was good until you stole my coloured text. Anyway, it's cool. I've been possessed by 3 spirits, Nightmare Moon included, that can change my form and give me powers. Cadence, Shining, I'd like you to meet GentleSpy and Christian Brutal Sniper.
Good day.
What's up, doc? Heheheheheheh!
Evening, you two. Enjoying the mind of Thunder?
Of course.
I probably won't stay 'ere long; maybe I'll possess some other mongrel, but this is alright.
If you want somepony to possess, I'd recommend Sergeant Bush Whacker. He's worked with Thunder, and is basically you. But slightly more physical.
You insinuatin' that some other chump's more violent than me?
Nopony is more violent and crazy than Thunder.
Wow, this really brings out a migraine. Ahhhh, the pain of containing 4 evil spirits and having 5 regular visitors in my head. Ow. Cough cough. Implying pain.
I'll bet it does, and that's why I like doing this. And hello, GentleSpy.
Ahhh, Celestia. It's been a while, yes? I see you've been keeping trim?
Take over Thunder's body and I can keep exercising in your company.
Rawr.
Oh for god's sakes. Celestia, what do you want from me?
A Stout Shako for tw-
Finish that and I'll have your neck with my new Christian Brutal powers of pulling an infinite stock of battleaxes from nowhere.
Don't forget the radio, don't forget that!
Ahh, yeah, and my ability to spawn a radio and make it play Millionaire's Holiday while I dismember shit.
I can also possess his body and make him a one with the mares.
Oh yeah, and apparently I can be a brilliant seducer.
You already have my perfectly rounded ass that vibrates and tastes like wild berries.
Poomph.
Poomph.
Poomph.
Piss, that got me on.
And me.
...
My own sister? Really? My chambers, tonight.
WHY DO I ALWAYS GO HOME AT THE WORST TIMES?!
I feel ya, bro.
Oh, that reminds me, Shining, your sister got possessed by Weaselcake and Christian's other self and now she calls herself Brutalight Sparcake, and has wings and a demonic voice.
Oh...well. Sounds shit for her, then.
Not as bad as Applejack has it; she has an obsession with Left 4 Dead Pills now. Plus, Solar is now a...umm...
What?
What did he do this time?
Oh god, this'll be funny.
...a Vagineer.
AHAHAHA-
Buffer overflow; chat flooded, ending.

Le Sexy Tiem With Teh Thunder

Half an hour later, Brutalight came back downstairs. "Well," she chuckled, "I see you stayed." I raised a hoof in objection as I leaned back in my chair.
"Ahh, I had to, Shiela." I replied calmly. "You woulda cut my 'ead off otherwise. Now why do you want me here, Brutalight?" The purple mare chuckled lightly, and levitated a butterfly knife from behind her. Calmly, she began to twirl it with a calm expression, occasionally flicking her eyes over to me.
"Well, I have a new body." she said. "I think I need somepony to...'experiment' on, if you catch my drift..."
"Get Inferno." I said bluntly. Brutalight gave me a stern glare.
"He is NOT putting a frying pan up my-"
I raised my hooves. "Alright, alright. What do you want me to do?" The alicorn smiled victoriously, before approaching slowly.
"Well, well," she giggled, before running her tail underneath my chin and cracking it away like a seductive whip. I shuddered. "Finally got wise about me, hmm? Not the cold and calculating librarian you thought I was? No. Believe it or not, having these brash and 'up-front' spirits inside me has really boosted my...energy levels, shall we say..." I felt myself being picked up from my chair, and levitated over to the mare. She had an almost predatory grin as she pulled me upstairs to her room.
"Brutalight, are you in heat?" I asked from my upside-down position. She paused, and thought for a moment.
"Nope. I go into heat in spring, like every other mare in Equestria." replied Brutalight. I was promptly placed upside-down on her bed. "Now then; are you going to work?"
luna
Hmm? What's up?
halp plez
Wow, you got Twilight? Lucky boy.
nooo do not want plz halp
Fine. Hold on while I send you to your place.
Brutalight was already in stockings, and slowly advancing up the bed towards me. "Nooo, do not want." I said quickly, scrambling around in my upside-down position. "You'll probably regret this later."
"I know." she grinned. "I like it when you talk dirty..."
"WHAT?!" I yelled as I fell off the bed. I was then pinned down by four hooves, and up above, Brutalight was seductively smiling down. "STO-" A hoof was pressed to my lips.
"Ah-ah-ah...shh..." I received a strangely calming nuzzle. "Don't think; just enjoy it..." And, before any rape could happen, there was a blue flash. I found myself falling...2 foot, and then I smacked my face onto the wooden floor of one of my home's bedrooms. I groaned, and stood up, my wings whirring, beeping, and grinding as they kept trying to catch up. As I stood up, I heard a cough. It was female. Shit.
"Thunder, can I help you with something?" I looked, and reclined on her bed with a magazine was Colgate. She was peering over the top of the magazine, staring as she tried to figure out where I'd even come from. I raised my hat and scratched my forehead with a hoof.
"Ahhh, yeah." I replied. "Why are you in my bedroom?" Colgate grinned in an adorable way.
"Why aren't I in your bedroom?" she giggled, before winking.

Seconds later, she was out the door.
I was NOT in the mood for that behaviour.

The next morning...well, a few hours later, anyway...

I had just finished placing my weapons on new racks in my room, when there was a knock on the door. I frowned, picked up a shotgun, and trotted to the window to see who it was. To my surprise, the front door opened itself, and then closed again. I heard some hoofsteps on the stairs, and my bedroom door opened. Nopony was there. Then, came a familiar woosh sound, and the material of Spy appeared. I rolled my eyes. "Didn't you ever learn to ask before you come in?" I groaned.
"Well, I did." Spy replied, brushing a hoof on his suit. "But I simply choose not to. Some ponies take forever to open it."
"Mmhmm." I grunted as I sat down on my bed. "So what brings you here?"
"You know why I'm here." snarled the Frenchman.
"Nope."
"What?"
"Nope."
"You don't know?"
"Ahhh, nope."
"Well then: Let's just say an old colleague of mine-"
"Oh, you're here about Dok? Sure. He's downstairs getting breakfast. I can take you to him, if you want."
"Erm...OK? How-"
"Long story short, I know where you're from and what you did. Anyway, let's go get some food."

The pair of us sat at the table as the other guys stopped eating, Medic included. Inferno simply stared, but through his shutter glasses. His hat was gone, though. "Who's this?"
"Handsome Rogue." Spy raised a hoof and replied. "I'm here to speak with Med-ahem...Doktor." The others gave him narrow-eyed stares, Medic mainly. Finally, the German understood.
"Spy?" he asked, adjusting his glasses. There was a moment when Spy simply looked Dok over.
"Yes." replied the Frenchman. The German smiled, and extended a hoof over the breakfast table. The two shook hooves, and Medoc began asking questions.
"So, how did you end up here, Spy?" he asked.
"I planned to 'end my own life' by jumping from a building when I botched a contract. Of course, the Dead Ringer was faulty, and I ended up falling through a large electrical portal to here. It was a short while ago I joined Thunder's group, and it turns out none had the skill I had. So, I worked, did a few contracts, and finally ended up meeting Thunder here. I stalked him to here, overheard him mentioning you and a trip to a cemetery, and followed you there as well. It was interesting, watching you gentlemen being...overcome, shall I put it. I was most amused by Solar's stupidity of putting on that hard-hat."
".oot ,uoy kcuf ,lleW" Solar groaned, before looking at the food on his fork. ".nocaB" he said, before eating the fork.
"Mmhmm. So, I decided to follow your hoofsteps, and stalked the graveyard after you left."
"I see where this is going..." I chuckled. "Ninja Spy?"
"No," Inferno cut in, "I got that guy. Why do you think I had two swords this morning?" I blinked.
"O...K...NinjaPanFerno. Right, what were you saying, Rogue?"
"Well," he continued, "I went to one grave labelled 'Speavy', and I knew he was a hero. So, being the selfish stallion I am, I put on his Pip-Boy, Tyrolean, and Mantreads, and was possessed on the spot. I must say, I've noticed that I feel a lot more cheerful."
"I noticed it." I laughed. "How's the clan going to react to...this?"
"Well, I don't know. They're all back at the facility, if you want to come with me to it?"
"Sure." I replied, standing up. "I'll go pack my bags and tell the girls I'll be out of town. Then, we can get rolling."
"But of course." Spy chuckled. "Well, while you do that, I must go deliver flowers to Octavia on your behalf. After all, you won't be seeing her for a while, hmm?"
"Shut it." I snarled over the laughter of the guys. "And besides, I know what you have for Fluttershy." Everypony 'oooh'd' at him, and I could see his cheeks flushing.
"I have no interest in that adorable, pink and vanilla mare with the quiet tone and friendly demeanour!" he snapped.
"I rest my case." I smirked as I headed upstairs.
".hctib, taht ekaT" Solar chuckled, before shovelling his plate into his mouth and making his face normal again.
"Well, I'll see you guys later." Inferno said, getting up. "I have some Shakos to sell."
"Aye, and I have to go explain to the guys on weather patrol why I'm part mechanical." Sky groaned.
"I'm helping Big Mac to plow the field, then cut down some trees." Fire Trail added, there was an audible whir as he got up. "Catch you guys later."
When I came back down a few minutes later, Medic and Spy were stood at the door.
"I'm coming with you." Dok beamed. "My stop is Canterlot, and that's on the way to Crowme, ja?" I nodded, and so did Spy. "Wünderbar! Now let us mach Schnell!" With that, the three of us exited the house and began to head for the train station.

Fucking teachers...fucking lack of getting strikes over pensions...

In a split second, Spy had a rose in his mouth, and was leaning Octavia backwards. The poor mare had no clue why a strange yet unusually handsome stallion had swept her off her hooves in such a way, and looked as though she was considering head-butting him. I would have done it a while ago, had he not have been a character from a game; he was French, and I remember French people as being consistently angry. "For you, Mon petit Chau fleur." Spy said in a charming way. Octavia was now red, much to the amusement of the girls around her. "On behalf of my friend Thunder Mustang, I give you a rose; a token of adoration."
"SPY!" I shouted over the giggling of mares. "DON'T MAKE ME REMOVE YOUR HEAD WITH A CROWBAR!" The Frenchman chuckled, picked Octavia up, and moved away from her. Everypony else was confused as to what happened, which basically boiled down to Octavia being violated by a mysterious stallion of mystery and backstabs. "Sorry, Octi. He's French."
"Um, it's quite alright." coughed the mare as she put the rose in her mane. "And the rose is from you?" I did buy the rose, gave it to Spy, and then expected him to give it to Fluttershy, who was clearly his Waifu.
"No. Well, yes. Possibly. I don't give a shit. Yes." I could already feel the pink glow of embarassment coming from the lights at my wing-tips. "Spy was supposed to give it to Fluttershy, who he lo-" A pip-boy fell over my mouth.
"Not a word, coward." snarled Spy, before looking back to the group. "He meant loathes. I loathe her, and a rose is a symbol of hatred where I'm from." The pip-boy left my mouth.
"Really?" I laughed, expertly deflecting the hooves moving for my mouth. "I'm from the same place as you, and a rose is a universal sign of loving!" The girls nearby laughed at the red-faced Frenchman, who shrivelled slightly, before disappearing with his invisi-watch. "Ahhh, anyway. We were just on our way to say goodbye to the girls; Dok, Spy, and I are off back to Crowme for...work." I explained.
"Well, have fun." Vinyl chuckled. "I'll look after your brother for ya!"
"OH! I haven't dick-slapped him for dating you yet." I remembered. Vinyl went red. In fact, fuck it, everybody went red at some point. There. Now I don't need to type that every fucking time. The girls looked at Vinyl with shit-eating smirks, and that's what I remember as I left. I can only assume Vinyl was humiliated. I laughed, but then got a tad concerned. I'd angered a trained master of international espionage, and he was invisible. That meant my back could be penetrated at any moment with a butterfly knife. But considering he was also part-Speavy, there was also the chance of being head-busted with an AWPer Hand. So if I did another stupid thing, I was pretty much fucked.

"So," Slide said loudly, grabbing attention as Spy and myself went down in the gilded elevator to the facility. "Finally came home, huh?" The lift slowed to a halt, before the doors slid open. A few ponies I recognised from the wedding gave nods as they went by, and I returned them. "Suppose you're not to good for us, after all."
"Nah, why would I think that?" I asked. "And anyway, after the battle, you might have noticed the massive influx in the weapons I have available. That's because I met the friend of Rogue, here, and he helped me get these wings, and when I apparently saved his life, he offered for me to help him opening old boxes and having the guns and explosives inside, not to mention the hats. So, yes, you could say that, and no, you guys are probably better than me." I looked around at the new additions to the room; sculptures, paintings, and what looked like CCTV systems. "How much did all the new shit pull us off budget?"
"About...4 million bits for all the things in this facility." Slide calmly replied as we began to trot towards the stairs. Handsome Rogue, or Spy, had already gone over to a balcony, pulled out his cigarette case, and changed his cigarette for a fresh one. "Bear in mind we're one of the richest and most influential clans in Equestria after that wedding, and consider that we received a billion on top of the 500 million we already had before that. Basically, buying this stuff made no dents in our funds. And another fun thing; we got new recruits, and I just decided you're teaching them." I stopped.
"You're kidding, right?" I groaned. "Seriously, considering how I'm possessed by about 4 or 5 evil spirits by now, with most giving me powers of some sort, I don't think it's fair if I teach some newbies how to shank somebody with a piece of sharpened ham-bone*."
"Tough luck." a female voice cut in. Both of us turned, and stood behind us with a smirk on her face was Spitfire. She was wearing her military officer's uniform and Aviator shades, looking like she genuinely didn't care I was a hostel for spirits. "You'll be teaching them. They see what the hell happened to you, they'll try harder to train as assassins." I rolled my eyes.
"I'll bring a shipment of Tryhard Trousers** next time I come here." I muttered. "Until then, fine. How many, and any memorable names?" Spitfire pulled out a clipboard in a hoof, and looked down on it. She counted for a moment, mouth moving silently as she went over the list.
"About 30." replied the golden Pegasus. She scanned the list again. "Memorable names...mm-mm-mmmm...I...yep. You have Captain Scorch-Mane of the Royal Guards, one of his orderly officers named Serrated Edge, and...umm...hmm. I don't know if I heard about this guy, but he has a weird name worth laughing at."
"Is it Penis BackflipMcCoy of Arseville?" I asked calmly. Spitfire looked like she was trying not to laugh.
"Ahem, uh, n-no. Ahem. His name is 'Jane Doe'. Apparently he made it past Officers' training and is now...'Commandur of BLu sqaudrun in his new land of...Hoarseland.' Right..." I was facehoofing severely. If the description and lack of spelling told me correctly who I thought it was, I was going to have a shitty life as a teacher.

Author's Note

*Ghost is best ham-bone.
**Otherwise known as; The Breakneck Baggies.

THIS IS APPARENTLY WORTHY OF MY TIME AS AN ASSASSIN

I stood before my class of new trainees. Most looked over-excited, a few looked pretty uninterested, and there was the one I'd been expecting who was stood at attention.
Right next to me, as though he were in charge.
I recognised him from the morning before the wedding, where he charged about with a trumpet and woke everypony up with his incessant horn-blowing. It was worthy of some irritation that he stood beside me, because I never gave him that role, but he was wearing the classic oversized helmet of the Soldier, and smoking a cigar. He was gazing upon the other recruits, Scorch-Mane and Serrated Edge specifically, with an invisible stare through his M4 helmet. I stood in front of the 'troops' at the range, in the same place I first picked up Flip, my trusty Dhoenix, and began my spiral into becoming a shit fan-character. I was wearing my beloved hat, with the Trophy Belt I put on it, my cowboy boots, and my lovely little coat. And, just to piss off Spitfire, who was stood with a clipboard and watching my lesson, I was wearing aviator shades and a smirk.
"Alright, you lot." I began to pace down the front of the line, silencing them immediately. "What you see before you is an assortment of arms and ammunition. Take one weapon, then get back in line. Go." All the recruits scrambled for weapons, and I noticed one red earth-pony doing as I did. He rolled his eyes, moved over to a Dhoenix, flipped it in idleness, then got back in line with the others. Soldier, meanwhile, despite being in my field of view the whole time, had somehow produced his trusty rocket launcher from nowhere and stood at attention with it, gaze now fixed straight ahead of him. It took a while, but the other recruits shambled back into the line, getting their weapons checked out by other members of the opposite sex. It seemed that this was kind of like the one generation where they were literally like teenagers in that they cared about ass, sex, and rock and roll.
It reminded me of Fluttershy.
Anyway. "Hell, that was shit, but you got there in the end." I groaned, facehoofing with my boot. "Right. Now, before we begin, name your weapon." I got confused looks, and I knew how Fleur felt when she smirked at my group's confusion over the naming and personalisation of our weapons. Without warning, I pointed a hoof to the Soldier. "You! What did you name your weapon?"
"This is MY rocket. This is MY weapon..." he began, staring straight ahead as he performed turns and rather advanced level rifle drill with the launcher. Ponies nearby simply watched this crazy guy flipping an RPG around his hooves. "There are NONE like it, and if you touch it I swear to GOD I will claw my way down your throat and tear out your very SOUL." The blue stallion finished by slamming the end of the launcher onto the stone floor, sending chips of concrete flying. I simply groaned as flecks of rock bounced off the lenses of my sunglasses.
"Right." I muttered. I then pointed to a silver unicorn with a FARMAS levitated beside him. "YOU. PLEASE TELL ME YOU HAVEN'T LINED UP A SPEECH." He cleared his throat, and I mentally prepared for a speech.
"I called my weapon Rat." he said simply. I released a breath I didn't realise I'd been holding, and looked down range.
"Good." I said clearly. "Now, I'm fairly certain you're all in this for the money, yes?" I could see many nods in my glasses reflection, and Soldier shook his head. I ignored him, continuing, "But what you did not consider is that you have to WORK for your money. You'll need to fill in your employer's criteria to the dot if you want maximum pay. For instance, say Lovely Miss Spitfire over there were to get me to kill a stallion, and then leave it to look like a pile of limbs." Spitfire nodded, and pressed a button. Down range, a wooden cut-out of a Royal Guard appeared, before slowly projecting itself into a fake version. 'He' was looking around curiously, as though he were real, and then caught sight of us down the room. He glared at us and raised a spear. The recruits looked ready to shoot him.
"Don't attack, just watch what I do." Using my powers of the Brutal Sniper, I made myself appear next to the guy, whilst floating upside-down. He dropped his spear in surprise. "What's up?!" I asked as Millionaire's Holiday began to play through a small radio. I then dropped onto my face, resulting in a CRITICAL HIT!, before I stood up and stared at him with a small and creepy smile. I then reached behind me, and pulled out the Headless Horsemann's Headtaker with one hoof, and pointed to it with my other. "Now THIS, is a knife." I said matter-of-factly. Then, I warped my face into some incredibly ridiculous manner of GMod-ness, and laughed loudly as I began to chop him up. Repeatedly, I just stuck an endless number of knives into him, until I heard something coming from my right. Nobody should have come down this range. I didn't tell them to. Spy creepin' around.
Quickly, I span, pulled out an Ambassador, and fired off a random shot. I was mostly surprised I hit someone, let alone a CLOAKED, HEAVILY ARMOURED, PROFESSIONAL ROYAL SPY.

"That went well." Spitfire said at the table in the dining hall. Sat around the table were several assassins I knew well, including Six Shot, Rock Roller, Swift Scope, Spitfire, Fleur de Lis, and Slide-Back.
"Yup." I replied, before placing the combat Kukri and small Trowel I had been eating with carefully across the room with a quick throw. I heard someone scream in pain and didn't bother looking. Slide, meanwhile, was looking over to where they hit, and was chuckling.
"You hit another one." he laughed. "How do you know where these guys are?"
"I don't."
"Ahh, cool."
"So how's Luna?" Fleur asked.
"Fine, from what I can tell." I replied. "Just missing me, 's all."
"Don't you visit?"
"Whenever I can. Otherwise, it's 'problem in Ponyville' this, or 'sudden female attention' that. That reminds me, when do mares start going into heat, again?"
"About 10 weeks. I personally lose my shit after 9, but hey-ho..."
"Any of you stallions going to give in, or hide, or what?"
"We're still here, Thunder." Swift groaned.
"Rock will hide." said the Tigerian. "Is not safe in streets when women have lust. Rock hide in bunker. With Dmitri. Is good."
"Me?" Slide chuckled, reclining in his seat. "Probably just gonna fight 'em off. Either that, or hide. I get caught, I still win. I divorced a couple years ago, so I have no issues with rape. And you, Thunder?"
"Luna is too lenient. Not only is she fine with me getting raped, she encourages it. I swear to god, one of these days she'll put a bounty on my head that says 'I'll pay whoever rapes this guy'. But me? I'll just stay in my house, with my bros, once a day, we'll run out and get supplies, and if one of us gets caught, I have paperwork to do. So not fun, but still amusing to watch Sky Wheel getting dragged away into the Town Hall." I closed my eyes and smiled at the mental image of the cyborg being pulled into the building, and the doors slamming as he can be heard alternating between moans and screams. It was a good picture.
"Well, you have me to deal with." Spitfire winked. "Let's say I'm...friendly. I can, ah, help you stay hidden, for a price..."
"Hmm..." I thought. "~~I wonder what's for~~ dinner No: 'm fine, thanks*."

The next afternoon, my train stopped in Ponyville, and I disembarked...
...before being knocked over by a walking pile of books.
"Oh hi, Thunder!" Twilight beamed. "We were just about to head off to Canterlot so I could do a Magic exam."
"We?" I muttered as Twilight picked me up from the floor with magic.
"We're all going." she replied, gesturing to the girls and guys getting onto a carriage at the other end of the platform. "You coming?" I knew where this was leading; Crystal Empire.
"Yeah, sure." I nodded. "I can meet you there, because I can just fly to Canterlot after I get some stuff, but if you want me to go with you on the train...?" A hoof fell on my shoulder.
"Y'know what?" she said with a straight face. "I'll just go. That way, I'm not tempted to rape you by my evil spirits." Twilight then left me, and went into her carriage. The door closed, and after a whistle, the train left me on the platform. I began to head home so I could go get some necessary crystal-related items, like a Mining Light, Equalizer, and other rock-breaking things.
It was going to be the start of a good series 3.

Author's Note

If you've ever seen Father Ted, which is, of course, classic English comedy, you'll get this reference.

2tired4u

The train pulled up in the middle of nowhere, a lonely station in an icy wasteland. We took our bags from the train, and it promptly disappeared in the blizzard. Already, somepony was complaining. "It's freezing out here!" Rarity whined as we began to trudge onwards in the snow. "Not even my wool scarf is warming me up, and THAT'S a statement." I made a loud 'pfft' noise; I was wearing a pair of blue ankle warmers with my Tooth-Kicker boots, and a blue Bomber-styled fluffy hat. I'd also lined my brown vest-coat with a layer of white wool, making me look like a wintry person.
"You should wear this, Rares." I chuckled. "Very warm, and I love the fact that these ankle-warmers make me feel sexy. Do I look sexy in these?" I asked, striking a few poses as we went along.
"You look sexy in anything, darling." replied the white mare, causing Everypony to stop momentarily.
"Wait..." Twilight said. "Are you implying that you two...?"
"THE ANSWER IS 47 ISN'T IT HAHAHAHAHAHA YES DARLING GOOD IDEA LET'S GO I'M FUCKING COLD" Rarity yelled out in one breath, before taking the helm of the group. We all trotted behind, and I leaned over to Twilight.
"Eeyup." I whispered over the wind. She gave a shocked look, before shaking her head clear and noticing something up ahead. Approaching us was a figure wearing a scarf and black goggle things over his eyes. He pulled the goggles upwards and rested them on his horn.
"Twily!" beamed Shining Armor, before giving his younger sister a hug. "How's my sister?"
"Well, I'm not dead." she replied smartly. He gave her a look, and then laughed.
"Anyway, what's fucked itself over this time?" I asked. Shining looked over into the distant blizzards, where a faint pink hue was barely visible. I could only assume this was Cadence's shieldy-thing, and we began to head towards it as Shining explained.
"Well," he began, "A few days ago, we found out that King Sombra had returned with the Crystal Empire, and we took it back by force. We kicked him out here and shielded the city up, but since then...nothing. There's things out here we don't want to run into." We looked at him.
"Shit." I muttered, flicking the snow from my boots. Just then, the ground shook violently and caused us all to tense up and glance around.
"And that's one of those things?" Fluttershy asked, raising a brow in an eerily calm way. Shining pulled his goggles down, and began to canter towards the purple light in the distance. With nowhere else to go, we all followed him, keeping pace with the stallion as he charged across frozen wastelands with all 13 of us, Spike included, in tow. Behind us, the ice shattered open as a huge black cloud formed above us in a large plume with two evil eyes and a horn. I could only get small peeks at this, but then, to my horror, I tripped. Everypony else continued going, unaware of my 'wee li'l knock'.
"Oh, NOOOOOOOOO..." I said loudly, shuffling backwards on my flanks as the huge beast loomed overhead. I had only a few seconds before it, like, fucking ate me, so I stumpled back up and leapt forward a few metres with a short burst of wing power. I then landed at speed next to the others, and this time kept pace. "I just fucking tripped, guys!" I shouted to them. "Why did none of you help?" Instead of an answer, I just received stern glares. Suddenly, Shining halted, but I knew what he was doing and what would happen, so I quickly turned around. "Oh, no you don't!" I said as I picked him up and flew back to the group. Finally, after a while of running, the walls of the shield became visible, and there was a massive sense of satisfaction as we made it through the shield.
"Phew." Twilight gasped, leaning on Inferno so she could get her breath back. "Everypony OK?"
"Aye." I replied, shaking the snow from my boots, coat, and ankle warmers. "I didn't do that much running then, mostly just wing-power, and I'm pretty conditioned for running from guards, so that wasn't tough. Then I tripped and nearly shit myself, so I'm good." I turned to Shining. "Jesus, man. You would have lost that fight."
"Ugh, I know." he sighed as we all began to trudge to the distant empire. "I'm not thinking straight, I've been awake for 2 days."
"Pfft." I snorted. "Last time I slept, it was with Luna about...2 or three weeks ago? There's been no side-effects yet." My neck clicked sharply as GentleSpy took over. "Pardon me for intruding, but I believe that it was 2 weeks, 4 days, 16 hours, and 42 minutes since Thunder last slept?" My neck clicked again as Christian grabbed the wheel. "Nah, mate. Thunder doesn't sleep really, so it adds up to about 10 weeks. It's bloody amazing he's still alive." My neck clicked again, and I was able to take control again. "Fucking hell, that's a tad annoying. Anyway, whatever. I haven't slept for fucking ages, and look at me; no side effects mentally or physically."
"Except you're more open to suggestion." Rarity giggled. "Thunder dear, could you let a lady have a use of your jacket?" Before I knew it, I had agreed, and offered her my jacket. Instead of accepting it, she simply smirked. I frowned.
"Fuck." I muttered as I put my jacket back on. "Seriously, I swear to god that if you take advantage of this-"
"You'll get us all drinks when we arrive?" Twilight winked.
"Alright." I sighed, before my neck clicked again. "This is as good as you're gonna do." I took control again. "Not now, Christian. I have to sort through my life."
I am your life.
What? Oh. Yeah.
Thunder, are you feeling alright? Have you even got any sleep since I last saw you?
Ugh, no...I just...haven't been able to. I just can't sleep knowing that I started out as a normal stallion, and now I'm possessed by 4 spirits, I have a job as an assassin, I'm sleeping with a beautiful mare...just...ugh. I'm not thinking about much else right now.
Seriously Thunder. Just try and get some sleep at some point soon. OK?
Alright. Thanks, Lulu.
Any time, Thunder. Love you.
Love you, too.

Thunder Cronauer

Since Shining still had an operational horn, and he could hold the shield spell for 4 hours before having to replenish it, that meant that we could have rooms for the evening before we got to work the next day. When we were allotted our rooms for the night, I literally dropped to sleep like a fucking stone in a few seconds. The only dream I had was literally just an image of Nightmare and Luna making out, but that was it. Usually, Luna herself would invade my mind and at least help in getting me to stay asleep so I could rest, but she didn't. I was thankful; it meant that I wasn't being woken up by anything, or distracted by anyone. It was a very refreshing 12 hour sleep, that ended at 8:00 in the morning with the sound of a bird flying in through my window. It even decided to perch itself on my snout, and simply stared at me as I opened my eyes to see this tiny little bluebird looking me in the eyes.
"Sup." I groaned, before getting myself out of bed. I noticed I did it a lot faster than I did before, and that I was more alert. For instance, the first thing I noticed was the fact that someone had put my breakfast on a tray and left it on a table. I would normally have walked past that a good few times before I'd notice it, so that was a start. Stretching in a 'cum inside Rainbow Dash' way, I then had a quick shower and picked up my cup of hot coffee. Then, I opened the doors to the balcony. All around was a huge city of crystals, with small, depressed ponies all trudging about in the streets below the Crystal Palace. They looked half asleep, and I couldn't do anything about that; until I noticed the Intercom System Speakers dotted around the place, probably a new addition by Cadence and Shining's forces.
I immediately had an idea; I hadn't brought many weapons along with me, and even though I can pull fucking crowbars from nowhere, I figured I had no purpose. So why not pull an Adrian Cronauer and give some...motivational support for these ponies? First, though, I had to finish my breakfast.

"Princess Cadence!" I greeted the mare. She seemed genuinely happy to see me.
"Thunder!" she smiled. "Good to see you fully rested! How can I help you?"
"Well, you know how there's...like...an PA system?" Cadence nodded. "Would it be possible for me to help with cheering these ponies up using it?" She tapped her hood to her chin.
"I suppose so. What are you planning to do with it?"
"Play music, do shout-outs, read out news, interviews, that kind of thing."
"Like a radio?"
"Yeah, like that! There was a war back home, nasty war between one massive country and a smaller country, the Vietnam war. Several films were made on the topic, and one was called 'Good Morning, Vietnam!' A guy gave morale and motivational support for the troops using a radio broadcast, so I figured that the best method to cheer up loads of ponies is to cheer them all up at once. Sound good, Princess?"
"Certainly! If it cheers up my people, then I'm all for it. I'll order a few guards to help you bring the PA system hub to where you need it, then we can really get to cheering them up whilst we hunt for the Crystal Heart."

The 'radio station' was set up just in the middle of the main shopping district. This was also the place where the girls and guys would be setting up stalls and games for the Crystal Ponies to access and cheer themselves up with. A small crowd of Crystal Ponies had gathered nearby, all looking incredibly depressed and a tad interested at what we had set up. I'd already finished setting up, and had my DJ gear on; my jacket, a pair of Aviator Shades, a pair of Beats headphones from my brother slung around my neck, and a set of casual shoes. Finally, I cleared my throat, pressed the button down, and the sound of beat playing over the intercom sounded loudly.
"Good mooooorning, Crystal Empire!" I said cheerfully, as the ponies tilted their heads inquisitively. "You've been gone for years, and we've come to show you just what you guys have missed! I'm DJ Storm, and this is Empire FM!" A few ponies now looked at least interested, before moving off to the other stalls being run by the guys and girls. "First on today's line-up of great tunes is a little somethin' from some boys going by the name of Daft Punk! Let's get this show on the road!" I smacked another button with my hoof, and the speakers began playing Get Lucky as the other guys began calling out for the ponies to come and see what they were offering.

After a few hours, ponies all around were crystalline once more and trotting about with all sorts of wares in the now bustling streets. I even got a few ponies to come and be interviewed, including Cadence and Shining Armor. It was kind of like an 'open-air' radio station, and was proving incredibly popular with the Crystal Ponies. "So, Princess," I began saying to Cadence as the crowds gathered around. We were sat behind the mixing desk on a couple of chairs. "How does it feel knowing that on the day of your wedding, you were responsible for defeating the Queen of the Changeling horde? You're all the talk in the media, as the 'Battle Princess', y'know!"
"Well," she laughed, "It feels pretty great to know I kicked the Changeling Queen to the wastelands. And I'm even more honoured that this Empire has taken me as Princess, to be honest! I love you guys!" A cheer arose from the crowd.
"Well, it seems that way for them, as well!" I replied. "And for those of you who are still chasin' that dream of freedom and fame, I have just the track for you, stay listening, folks!" Then I pressed a button, and BAM, instant Nickelback - Rockstar. I then set a few more songs to play after it, and then I headed off to get something to drink. However, when I reached Inferno's stand to go and get some coffee, I looked up at the castle and noticed...somepony.
Stood on the top balcony and looking down at me was a stallion in a suit.
He fidgeted hs tie, then turned and disappeared.
I warned you, Mr Mustang.

Words cannot express my severe dislike for doors and fucking stairs.

I quietly moved up the stairs. For this, I had allowed GentleSpy to use my body, so I just had to sit and watch. No longer was I blue, instead a deep hazelly-brown colour. I had my cloak active, strangely an almost endless attribute, and my Ambassador drawn as I moved through the palace. After a good 12 flights of stairs, I finally made it to the Throne Room; This was the closest room to which the balcony where G-Stallion appeared. GentleSpy frowned as he looked about the building. "It seems I am not the only one here." he murmured. He was actually right; hoofsteps were heard around the corner, causing GentleSpy to crouch whilst invisible.
"...bleedin' wanker sneakin' in 'ere..." a voice grumbled as the hoofsteps got louder. Around the corner came a huge tank of a stallion. He was wearing a small helmet whilst he hefted two massive rifles as he trotted on his back hooves only. It gave him the appearance of a Goliath from Borderlands, but he seemed relatively smart. I had no say in what GentleSpy did, which involved uncloaking and stabbing him, so therefore I did not murder him. GentleSpy dragged the corpse away into a cupboard and carried on to the balcony. After sneaking past, and sometimes killing, patrols of guards, we found him.
G-Stallion remained standing there, facing away from us as he oversaw the city activities. He seemed unaware of my presence.
Mr Mustang, I know you are there.
Within a split second, he turned with a gun, firing and hitting the cloaked GentleSpy. I then died...
...but then Dead Ringer, because GentleSpy. G-Stallion panicked, firing another shot. It hit me again, killing me, but GentleSpy held off with the Dead-Ringering until he was behind G-Stallion. Ambassador levelled with his head, GentleSpy decloaked, tapped G-Stallion on the shoulder with a hoof, and smirked at the reaction as the revolver pointed into his forehead. "With my apologies."

On the way back down, after stealing all the contents of his briefcase which consisted of cigarettes, ammuntion, a mysterious button, and other illegal things, I had my body back. I kept the Fedora on, but still had my glasses, coat, and casual shoes. Before I reached the throne room, I noticed something about one of the side-rooms. Inside, where normally there wasn't, a large tunnel now dug down through the floor, stairs leading down it. I looked down in confusion. "Oohh." I whispered. I had a playlist on the radio, so why not? I leapt down the dark hole, smacking a stair on the way down, before finally using my Dead Ringer and hitting the floor. Just then, I noticed Twilight looking at a door. There was nothing through it, but she looked distressed. I closed it, then un-dead-ringer-dingered.
"Hey." I said, slapping her twice lightly. She snapped out of the weird mood she was in.
"W-What?" she groaned. "B-But I was in Canterlot! Celestia said we'd failed!" I was genuinely confused, forgetting the episode that happened.
"Erm...?"
"How is this possible...?" Twilight murmured. She then realised something. "~~If I put my plot in your face, you'll kiss it, right?*~~ This must be a door to your worst fears..." Grabbing the handle with magic, she used more magic to turn my head to look at the blank wall behind the frame. "Look into it. I promise nothing will happen." Seconds later, the wall crumbled away, and I walked through it.

I found myself in a dark city, with buildings all around and a fence behind me. It was night-time, and crickets chirped in the silence. I tentatively stepped forward into the streets, with the occasional lamp lighting up my way. Nobody was in sight, and I didn't have any weapons or clothing or hats. It was concerning. Suddenly, there came a loud and utterly shit-terrifying roar in the distance, and a figure I had not seen began sprinting towards me. It had 3 heads, a ball-peen hammer, and horrifying speed.
Slowerno?! NONONONONONONONONO
Before it impacted me, the vision stopped.

I found myself back in the tunnel with Twilight, panting for breath against a wall with Twilight holding my shoulders. I was sweating, and still terrified of that bloody Scandinavian creature from hell. "Shh, shshshhh, it's OK, Thunder, it's OK..." Twilight was calming me down, and patting my shoulder in a bid to stop my heart attack. Eventually, I calmed.
"F-F-F-F-F-Fucking h-hell..." I whispered, swallowing hard. "The h-hell just ha-happened..." Twilight helped me to my hooves and issued a hug.
"I-It was my fault." she sighed. "Anybody who looks into the door sees what they fear, in a horrifying vision that seems real. I should have asked you if you wanted to test it, but I did it without asking. "I'm so, so sorry, Thunder..."
"I-It's fine..." I replied shakily. "L-Let's find that heart."

Author's Note

* > Implying I wouldn't enjoy burying my face inbetween those sweet lavender buns.

I'm gonna carve you. huehuehuehuehue

I returned to my stand with a spring in my step, just to make sure the ponies remained cheerful. Placing my Beats around my neck once more, and flicking on the background beat, I pressed the transmit button on the microphone. "I'm back, everypony! Hope you're all having a great day so far, because we're really gonna be cranking up the tunes to make sure your first day back is as great as those you'll be having after this! Here we go with some Ghosts!" I began playing Ghosts by Deadmau5, and stood behind my deck bobbing my head to the music as I performed small actions like getting a fresh coffee, noting down things I could entertain the crowds with later in the day, and such small things like that. I was really enjoying being a radio host for the day, and it was well worth me looking for a job back in Equestria as a radio operator.

In the distance however, I saw something bad. A small cloud of smoke was forming into a figure, that stared back with green eyes and a spiky grin. He seemed to be looking over the Crystal Ponies, glaring, almost, before turning back to the shield. It took one bash, he cracked it, and masses more of his dark power seeped in. I kept my eyes off of it, and focussed; Twilight would find the heart, and it would all be fine and dandy. As the song played in the distance, I slipped behind my tent and looked over to the guys, before mouthing, 'he's getting through' to them. They all swallowed hard, but returned their smiles as they dealt with confused crystal ponies. Rainbow, meanwhile, was keeping them from the crystal heart, so they didn't realise it was actually a really shit replica I made in about five minutes using an Equalizer.

Thunder, listen. You have to keep Sombra from the heart. The moment he gets it, he has the capabilities to enslave the kingdom, everything inside, and even your friends and the elements. No matter how much it destroys a public image, you'll need to be prepared to unleash the Christian inside you.

Y-Yeah, I'm rea-

CRRCK

I'll bloody mangle 'im, Shiela. Don't worry, I'm gonna carve him a new cakehole.

CRRICKK

But of course, you gorgeous lady.

Mmm, charming. Let's hope you make it back in one piece, hmm?

CRRCK

Of course, that is implying that Sombra makes it back to his cave. Also implying that I wouldn't make it home since I don't have two spirits of insanity and death inside me.

Well. Don't get cocky. That's Christian's job.

CRRCK

Bloody right, Lulu. When Thunder gets back, we'll make sure he ravages yo-

CRRICK

Ohhh, my neck...gah...

To be honest, I think we may have to get you a neck massage once Sombra's down and out.

I can help with that!

Alright then, cheers, Cadence...gahhh...

The moment I stopped the conversation, I was suddenly thrown 20 metres down the street, before violently hitting the crystal road. I felt myself hit against something solid, and the last thing I can remember seeing was Sombra slowly approaching the city as ponies fled in panic.

About 5 minutes later, I woke up to the sound of screaming. My wings were beeping almost confusedly as they tried to right themselves, and I finally managed to hear their usual chirp of alertness through the muffled sounds. I rolled over, and looked at the floor. I had bled on the crystals, and it was actually hard to notice on the red road, so it wouldn't be worrying the ponies. Yes, a fucking demon had returned, but at least they know DJ Storm is safe. Staggered to all four hooves and looked up. Towering above everything was Sombra, hungrily looking upon his Empire of hard ponies and probably hunting for the heart as well. Then, I looked over to the room balcony I had slept in. It was somewhere he wouldn't see me sneaking into, so why not get some...things?

Ensuring he was preoccupied, I began to climb up the side of a nearby street lamp, before parkouring my way to the next ledge. It took several wing bursts, but I made it undetected to my room. Inside was my suitcase, containing my shit-slappin' gear; hat, boots, and Flip, as well as some extra ammo. Finally, there was my last Cigar, I had been saving it for when shit went so fucked up that it was shit. I contemplated bringing my trusty Dhoenix, but then I realised I had an Ambassador with a nearly fucking endless ammo supply, and I could pull weapons from literally out of my arse. Shrugging, I removed my casual clothing, but kept the shades, and put on my other clothing. Then, I reached behind me, pulled out a bloodied pickaxe, and went onto the balcony with what I can remember as the most fucking psychotic grin I had ever done. Then, I jumped off the balcony, landed near my radio-deck using my wings, and then looked it over. The speakers still seemed ready to play a few more songs.

Smirking, I started flicking through the list to find what I wanted. A large number of ponies were still in the street, and they were no longer crystalline; They needed motivation. I selected the song, pressed play, and the sound of Driving With the Top Down, a part of the Iron Man soundtrack I had stolen from a CD, began playing through the speakers quite loudly. The Crystal Ponies looked sad, then noticed me, what I was wearing, and the fact that I was carrying a pickaxe.

"OI!" I called down the microphone to get Sombra's attention. He looked down at me and growled. I could already see the girls and guys facehoofing near the fake heart. "Implying that I'm dead, you rock-pushing bastard!" He snarled, and then everybody was forced to run as he forced more crystals out of the ground near where I was stood. Unfortunately for him, they headed in his direction, and that was all I needed to see. I leapt up onto a crystal shard, and began galloping towards him with pickaxe in my mouth. This guy, despite having less screen-time than Discord and less chapters than him, had fucked me around too much, and he looked like a really shit OC. Ignoring my hypocritical anger, I waited until I was above him, then leapt down and pulled another pickaxe from nowhere. Up above, I knew Spike had fallen with the heart, and that only gave me a few seconds to slap this guy's shit. The moment I got in front of him, I swiped with my pickaxes, then chucked them at him. As if by chance, both managed to nail him in the chest and get stuck. He struggled at them, roared, and then fell to the ground. I swear to god, if it was that easy I wouldn't have bothered to do that shit, I thought as I flew down after him. The road smashed as he hit the rocky street, visible shattering all over the place as ponies crowded around to look at the once powerful guy. I landed, and all of the ponies looked like they were about to cheer, until the obvious happened.

CRRCK

"Hmhmhmhmhmmm," I chuckled evilly, kneeling beside him and pulling out two Bushwackas. I could see the guys and girls smirking slightly as what looked like their freak sides taking over slightly. "It's like Christmas Mornin'." Then I think somebody died violently. It might have been Sombra.

Yeah.

Probably him.

"Oh dear Christ, what the fuck is this shit?" I murmured. Now I was made out of Crystal after a huge white shockwave. All the others were as well, and some of the girls looked...nice. Then I noticed Rainbow Dash, Inferno, Sky, and Fluttershy, flapping their heavy crystal wings and flying with ease. "OK, what the fuck you guys?" They looked at me blankly.

"What's the matter, Thunder?" Rainbow sighed.

"Well, physics!" I replied frustratedly as we began to leave the Empire. "You're made of rocks, and therefore should not be able to fly! Look at you guys, you're bloody...Bumblebee'ing that shit! How are you even fucking flying?!" They refused to answer, though I saw Twilight now intently looking at the pegasi.

Well, you did it. You horribly mutilated the pony equivalent of Saddam Hussein in front of those he enslaved, then had his horn rammed in your shoulder, then you made that into an ornamental knife and gave it to Fluttershy.

FLUTTERSHY.

Yeah. Because, she could, uh, y'know...fucking...erm...shank a bitch with it. That's, like, what she does. Shanks bitches when nopony's looking.

Needless to say, I'm relatively unimpressed by your performance.

What, too violent?

No. Not violent enough. What Sombra did may not compare to what Nightmare Moon attempted to do, but he still enslaved these innocent ponies, tried to destroy what they stood for, and killed those who stood against him. To be honest, you shouldn't have taken the knives from his eyeballs. He was one of the cruellest, most vicious leaders in known history.

Like George Bush?

Like George Bu-wait, wha-?

Well done, Thunder! Be sure to tell the girls and your friends that they're welcome back any time!

Oh, why thank you, Cadence. The moment I get home, I'll get a massage. It won't compare to the way you described that one I could have got here, but it'll probably snap my back into place.

Thunder, who's this dead stallion on the balcony?

DAMN YOU, COLOUR THIEF. He's annoying. Kick him into a hole.

That sounds fun.

Wow, Cadence, you've changed a lot since you first entered my mind.

Learned from the best, if not the most insane.

I think insane fits the bill, better.

Celly!

Hello, Thunder. Since you're the closest link I have, say well done to Twilight and Spike for me. Oh, and you wouldn't happen to know about freaks, would you?

I'm a bearer of about three, so you could say that. What's up?

It began developing this morning. Blueblood came back from a cemetery, that same one you visited, but a few hours after you went in. Then, he's recently began to start threatening guards, telling them he's in charge and nothing could stop him. We have two in the infirmary, and we know something is very, VERY wrong.

Hmm...has he been behaving differently? As in, any incredibly unusual traits?

Well, I've noticed that he's began to start placing unusual orders. A vest jacket like yours, a slouch, and, most concerningly, two Zurkhan Kukri knives. Either you broke him, or a freak entered him. I'd hope you know which one.

Two kukris, you say...? Interesting choice...anything else he's been doing?

If I may answer this?

Go ahead, Moony.

Thank you. Well, I have seen him entering the lab containing your car, Thunder. He spends hours in there at a time, then leaves with papers, but no papers seem to be missing when the scientists check. He also snuck into Dok's warehouse, but he was unable to figure out what was taken. So, vehicles and weapons. Sounds...normal.

Hmmph. I can't think of any freaks like that. Did anypony go with him?

Only his friend Iron Helmet.

Did he return different?

Not that I've noticed. He did bring a stainless steel pot home with him, and at least once I've seen him wearing it as a hat whilst he stares ahead blankly.

Well, I recognise that idea; the Intelligent Heavy. Not so intelligent, or dangerous, but that pot causes nightmares when worn. That's about all I've got for him, though.

Wow, this is actually pretty interesting. You know what? We should continue this investigation when you're next up here, Thunder. That way, you can see what he does for yourself.

Good idea, Lulu. Anybody else up for a spot of detective work whilst I'm next in Canterlot?

If it's at night, sure, I'm up for it. I can see if Doktor would be interested, seeing as how he's...well, a Doctor.

Well, actually, I lost my Medical License when I stole somebody's skeleton.

Dok? You can come in here, too?

Oh, ja, ja. This is like an open call, Frau Thunder. Anypony who knows about it can access your head, and it's like an open party.

Well, that's actually...going to end up inducing headaches. But anyway, are you interested in a bit of detective work on Blueblood when I'm next in Canterlot?

Well, if I have no patients, then Ja. If I do, then Nein, I'm afraid. Find anypony you can just in case Ich can't join you.

Alright, good. So we have Lulu, Celestia, possibly Dok, Nightmare, me...

And me.

...how the fuck did you get in here, you're fucking dea-?

It's me, Thunder. Octavia. You know, the British mare that you are literally best friends with?

...sure, why the hell not?

Not forgetting me!

Hey, Colly! How did you two even find this?

Listened to your psychotic ramblings. Interestingly, they sometimes linked to me, Colgate, and several other mares. Care to enlighten?

No.

Please?

No.

I'll do my seductive face if you don't...~

That won't work.

What is this conversation even turning into?

4chan.

YOLO: You Obviously Love Octavia. That's my new favourite Thunder quote. I shall spread it around town.

Implying Octavia is not one of the best musicians in Ponyville

> Implying she's not adorable because she's English

Implying I'm not slightly blushing because of this

Implying Thunder isn't halfway back to Canterlot because he goes into auto-pilot during these conversations.

I want to cum inside Jack T Herbert.

NO. BAD COLGATE. BAD.

Well, anyway. This is somewhere I like. Calm, 'wub' free, and it's with Thunder: one of my obvious admirers.

CRRCK

A pleasure, madam. My name is GentleSpy.

Jesus Christ, I am in tears at this ridiculous conversation.

Author's Note

Thunder thread simulator 0.4v.

SPOOKEH BAWXES!

I entered the labs to go and speak with Dok about the investigation we were planning. When I did arrive in his office, he was there, holding a magnifying glass up to a key with an intrigued expression. The key, from where I was stood, did seem different; it had a strange purple mist emanating from it, not unlike Nightmare when she went into mist form. However, to prove it wasn't Nightmare, she was actually stood next to Dok, looking as intrigued as he. "Hey guys." I greeted. Dok looked up, smiled, and said exactly what I thought he would.

"Ach! Thunder! Just who I needed to see!" he beamed, ushering me over. As I went over to him, Nightmare squee'd, transformed into a mist, and then went into my body. I'd gotten used to it, so it was only a minor dimming around the edge of my vision. "Look at zis key, Frau Thunder, and tell me what you see." Dok continued. I did as asked, looking down at the key, and noticed the different shaped teeth.

"Well, I suppose the mist is the most noticeable thing." I said finally. "And the teeth look different."

"Exactly! And would it be a coincidence that the same purple mist has started coming from the old Halloween Mann Co. Crates in the warehouse out back? Unlikely! That is why I think it's worth opening the spooky boxes up to see what happens, ja?"

"Hmm. Sounds fun, actually, do you want me to help?"

"Would I not want you to help?" he smirked. "Oh, and if it would be no inconvenience, I'd like you to see if your other companions are available too, since if only two of us get possessed, it is no fun." I turned for the door.

"Alright, Doktor, I'll see if they're free. Will you be in the warehouse when I get back?" I asked.

"Ja, ja, just go get zem." he ushered. Nodding, I left the room to go find the others.

"Thunder!" I heard somepony call from behind as I passed Luna's room. When I turned to look, I was (unsurprisingly) met by a surprise glomph from my lovely Lulu, which eventually turned into a full on snog, that eventually pulled us both into her room, curtains and door shut, lights out sexy time. She was still as adorable and warm as ever, and still weighed about as much as a regular mare. She's still the mare I fell in love with.

"Mmph...Lulu..." I gasped inbetween the snogging. "Y'know...mm...that...investigaaaAAAAAtiiiiioonn...?...nff..."

"Mmhmm." she replied calmly.

"W-Well...ahh...there's something elsssse....mmphh..."

"Mm?" Luna was smirking. You're still better at this than me, you delightful succubus.

Really? Right now?

Well, this is where I can focus. We're BOTH occupied right now.

Are you two making out?

Yes, Colly, yes we are.

Is that not private, Thunder?

Not any more!

Hello, Thunder. Good to know you're back in Canterlot. I've been looking forward to beginning that investigation, you know; I have my black turtleneck, fedora, and sunglasses to wear for the snooping around.

Before I say something, question; would the fedora happen to have a leather band with two cards in it?

Ace of Spades and Queen of Diamonds. You and me.

Ohhhh, Thunder, looks like we need to invite her up here for some 'you and her' time, hmm?

Teehee!

Oh, ah, haha, umm...right...anyway, something's come up down in the warehouse below the palace. Dok's found some haunted boxes and-

Wants you to help him open them to see what's inside them, sure, we'll help.

Erm...you girls confuse me...but...OK. Meet Luna and myself down by the Grand Staircase, and then you two can meet Dok. I'm sure he'll love to meet you two.

Can I come?

Whoa, whoa, who're you?

Cheerilee. Colgate told me you had an open chat in your head, so I figured I'd join.

Fine, Jesus chri-

Not forgetting me.

And me.

I'm already here.

Alright, full party! Let's get do-

THUNDER! GET DOWN HERE! SOMETHING HAS HAPPENED!

Aw, shit, Dok! Luna, you go meet the girls, I'll go see Dok!

I galloped into the warehouse. All around were boxes, as usual, but near the back of the aisle, I could see Dok, facing a wall and clutching his face in his hooves. However...something was wrong. The lights above were flickering in an unusual way, adding an eerie sense to the room. The few lights coming from the other end of the room were emanating from the purple crates and pile of mystery keys.

"D-Don't...come any closer..." I heard Dok say quietly. Then he spoke again in a different, more twisted tone. "Come over here, coward." Cautiously, I called out.

"Dok?" I asked. "You alright?" The German laughed in a creepy way.

"Oh, hahahaha! Ja, never better." Just then, the doors behind me creaked open, and I heard the girls come galloping in. Quickly, I turned to them.

"Something is very, very wrong. Be prepared to run and get help in case this goes bad." I whispered. The 6 mares nodded silently, and I turned back to Dok. "You sure you're feeling alright?" I asked, slowly approaching. "Why can't we see your face?"

"IT'S UGLY!" he suddenly yelled, turning to face me. Now we could see his face; running all the way down the centre was a line of stitches, sewing on a grotesque and decayed form of his normal face. It was a half of his normal face, other half...not normal. I reeled back, and I could hear some gagging from behind me. Then, Colgate threw up and the smell of toothpaste filled the air.

"Jesus, Dok, what the hell happened?" I asked, resuming my approach.

"I...opened the box, and this THING landed on my face." he replied, gesturing to the open box near him. "Here, you open the next box Thunder. You might get something better." He pointed a hoof to a nearby key, which I stared at cautiously. I could hear the girls approaching from behind.

"Erm..."

CRRCK

"No worries." Christian calmly picked the key up in a hoof, flew over to a nearby box, and slammed the key into the lock. Spirits swirled and howled around in a purple mist through the warehouse, before finally reaching a climax (lel) and disappearing. The room's lights came on again, and I wrenched control from Christian. Then, I looked in the box.

"What is it, Thunder?" Cadence asked. I reached in, and then pulled out the first thing I grabbed. In my hoof was a small bottle of pills, crudely labelled 'MerAsmUS' mAgiK stUfF' in permanent marker. I showed it to all of the girls and Dok.

"I'm tempted to eat some of these." I chuckled. Then, I paused, and looked at the bottle, before shrugging. "Fuck it, I WILL eat some of these. Because why not?" I could already feel the worry in the room, and the strange smile of Colgate as I pulled out one.

"Thunder, don't..." Luna began.

"Too late." I coughed as I swallowed the pill whole. After a few seconds, I felt something happening. It started as a buzzing in the centre of my skull, then it turned into a cracking as something rammed out of the top of my forehead. It felt sharp and pointy, so I reached up with a hoof to feel my new, golden horn nestled in with my pink mane.

Oh, shit.

"BLUEBLOOD!" I called. I received confused looks from guards, as well as laughter as I walked up to Blueblood's group of nobles. The white unicorn growled, looked at me, then burst out laughing.

"Pah!" he roared. "You look like more of an incompetent fool than normal! And who's this following you? Two Face, the Masked Mongrel, and...oh dear Faust, AUNTIE CELESTIA! YOUR HEAD!" Celestia looked back with her Phoenix eyes.

"Tweet tweet, you stuck up little shit." Celestia laughed through her beak. She'd eaten some pills as well. Luna, meanwhile, was chomping on a cigar, and had two sanded down horns on top of her head. The nobles, maids, servants, and guards gathered began laughing at the state we were in.

"See, Blueblood?" I began as he looked annoyed at those laughing at him as well. "I'm wearing a pink fluffy unicorn hat, and you are STILL the biggest idiot."

"Mhmmph mmph fmmk fmm, fmmhmm. Mm hmm yrm frmmks.*" Octavia added. I understood what she said, and deactivated my wings to avoid getting a wingboner.

"Hmm." Luna grunted. Behind me, a German chuckled evilly about nothing in particular.

And thus, Halloween 2013 happened and I told the guys and girls, who came and took things.

But more on that later.

Author's Note

Happy fuckin' Halloween, you unusual children.
*Any of you have ideas of what she's saying?
Say, any of you fancy 'meeting the author'? If you do, my Steam name is: [APG] Face McShooty II
It'd be pretty cool to meet those who actually have the patience to read this shit.

Piss.

It took 5 fucking hours for the pills to wear off.

5.

Fucking.

Hours.

For over 300 minutes I had to put up with have fucking Pinkie-Pie hair and a yellow bloody horn, and eventually sanding it down to a small lump meant that it disappeared faster. The hair, though, managed to get back to its navy-and-gold glory after said 5 hours, and then I stepped out of Luna's room proudly. By then, it was about 8:00 in the evening, I'd arranged with Octavia to meet her at a restaurant in Canterlot centre to begin investigations into Blueblood, and I didn't want to keep the adorable grey mare waiting. She did, however, say to wear my best clothes, so the obvious choice was to put on my jacket, hat, and boots. Which, of course, I did, and then flew down to the meeting point.

When I arrived, she really did catch my eye. Octavia was wearing a black turtleneck and suit jacket, the black fedora-with-cards hat she mentioned, and sunglasses. I also couldn't help but notice the bony hand holding the lantern that was following her around all the fucking time, and it made her look like the last thing I'd ever see ~~before she took me home, seduced me, then did some really weird but hot stuff~~. I landed beside her, and she looked at me.

"Those are genuinely your best clothes?" she sighed. "I saw you in your suit when you delivered those flowers..."

"Ah!" I said quickly, raising a hoof. "Be silent, my adorable English accomplice. We shall move to the palace now." Then, without listening to her irritated grumbling, I then began to move at a moderately fast pace to the palace. With Tavi in tow, I began to speak with my fellow helpers.

Right then, people, listen up. We need as much evidence against Blueblood as possible. If he's been gathering up resources, and acting threatening, then we need to stop him.

Of course, the moment he makes a move such as attempting to overthrow the throne or kill our beloved Thunder, then we can rip his throat out.

Yeah.

But of course, Miss Nightmare.

I know where he is, he just headed down to the labs. Dok, anything?

Ach, nein. Frau Blueblood is...patrolling. He seems to be waiting for a few scientists to finish up and go home, and it looks like they're feeling intimidated. And....ja, they're leaving.

What's he doing?

Nothing...wait. He's going to the door to the vehicle lab. He's inside. Ach, nein. I cannot see him.

It's alright, Dok, Thunder and I are on the case.

Try not to blow our cover, please. I know how you are, Thunder.

Don't come wide with me, Octavia has a lamp continuously floating near her well-rounded, perfect...flanks...AHEM, ERM, FUCK, LOST MY TRAIN OF TH-THOUGHT...

Pfft.

I thought you liked my bum?

Hmm, nah, I've caught him looking at mine a few times.

Thank Faust I can stay out of this.

Hmm, I can see where the praise comes from. I've been exercising a lot, so I'd hope my flanks are perfect as he claims.

Bitch please.

I fucking hate you all.

But you like our flanks? Yep, we need to show you something later.

All of you are like fucking Hitler in my hate list right now.

From what I can tell, you look up to-

SHUT THE FUCK UP OR I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL FUCKING KILL YOU

Doktor, do you ever worry you might be going mad?

Hmm? Who's he talking to-?

Ha, well, no, it's not really something I WORRY about, I'm not up all night about it, Heh.

Redrum...REDRUM...!

...oh, Red rum! Ha, I just got that, very clever!

Oops, I just so happen to have stopped in front of Thunder's face. Oh no, he pressed his snout into my well-formed, delightful flanks!

Damn, so much female attention. I wish I could stay inbetween these freakin' pleasure pillows...

We all heard that.

SHITSHITSHITSHITSHITSHITSHITSHITSHITSHIT-

I 'awoke' the next morning a lot more tired than usual. I don't really sleep, more...rest. But this morning, I awoke with four fluffy warm things pressed against me.

I immediately knew what happened that night, thought about how shit a character I was, and went back to sleep.

"YOU!" I heard somepony yell as I went through the main hall. I stopped, turned around, and received a punch to the face. It surprisingly hurt, considering who delivered it. Standing over me was none other than Prince Blueblood, but...different. He was wearing the same kind of jacket I wore, but less bloodied, my hat-type, and even worse, my boots. But I was wearing mine as well, and he looked like he copied my style. However, pinned to the side of his jacket was a visible pair of sheaths containing Kukris; the choice of weapon for marksmen.

"Jesus, you twat, the hell was that for?" I asked angrily, picking myself up as a crowd gathered. Again, I was met with a punch.

"Silence when you're being spoken to by a gentleMATE!" he yelled. I noticed the distinctive accent change, and it hit me who I was dealing with. The van, the knives, the jacket, then his Intelligent Heavy friend...Spyper. Should've seen this fucking coming... "Now that you've stopped being arrogant, and we have witnesses," Blueblood gestured to the actually pretty large crowd that had gathered, "I'm going to prove that I hold more power than you! Accompany me to the throne room, ALL of you, in 3 days' time, and I can show-" His neck cracked loudly. "-that I'm a dinkum Aussie, not some bloody cartoon!" I was recovering from the blow, but just in time to see him drawing his kukri. I didn't bother pulling my own one out, since I had an endless number, but still looked at him.

The blade went under my throat. "And to top it all off, you'll go into the courtyard, with both the cowardly princesses, and I'll kill all three of you at the same time." The crowd gasped. I raised a hoof.

"Actually, you only have two weapons, therefore it is impossible for you to kill all three of us at once. Plus, you're the biggest shit on the carpet I've ever seen, and you're a lazy cunt, so why do you even bother listening to Spyper? Just go the fuck back to bed." I sighed, standing up and ignoring the kukri pointed at me. Then, without warning, I grabbed his neck and slammed his head to mine. "And believe me," I snarled loudly so that only a few ponies near the front of the crowd could hear, "If you so much as fucking touch my Luna, I'm going to put my boot so far up your ass it'll be on the fucked-to-god news. You hear me, you little stuck up shit?"

Blueblood pushed away, glaring. Then, he...chuckled.

"GentleMATES?" he announced loudly, before teleporting himself away, leaving a shocked audience and myself. I looked to them.

"That...was the most anti-climatic and over-dramatic thing I've ever seen him do." The crowd dispersed, leaving me on my own.

Hear that, Celestia and Luna?

Ohhhh, yeah.

Like I heard you and the other three last night.

Speaking of which, that was the best night I've had n a long time.

Can I just say, Octavia, you really are fluffy. You're a good thing to have in the morning, besides coffee.

Or teeth-brushing.

Goddamn, almost forgot you were there, Colly.

I'm broadcasting this to Cadence. She's chuckling.

Oh! Hi, Cadence! If you had anything to do with last night, thanks! I'll be sure to DJ in the Empire again!

NEMESIS. YOU...!

"Well, at least we know what he's planning." Luna said as I trotted alongside her. "We just need to know what to do. He's challenging Royalty, and he's part of the same Monarchy; My sister or I killing him is no less than usurping his throne later on. And if you were to do it, such a killing would constitute High Treason. Effectively, he's untouchable." I looked at her.

"You didn't consider one thing." I replied, smiling slightly. "It doesn't constitute treason if they can't identify the killer, and such skilled killers are paid, trained, well-armed assassins. You'd have to pay to get someone like that, and I am one who happens to know multiple of these people." Luna smiled, rubbing a hoof in my mane.

"That's my Thunder." she chuckled.

"You're being paid to kill Blueblood?" Octavia asked as she, Colgate, and I headed to the Canterlot train station. I received envious looking glares from stallions on their own as I was followed by two mares, but I ignored them. "Well, at least we know you'll be in prison for High-Treason soon."

"Mm." Colgate whistled through her teeth. "Fitting end for the Thunder Mustang Chronicles."

"Not the end, actually." I replied. "He did, as it turns out, threaten Princess Celestia, Princess Luna, and myself, then challenged me to a duel, so effectively, I'm allowed. Plus, since my job allows it, I'm being paid to do it." I received quizzical looks from Colgate and Octavia.

Octavia coughed. "And your job is...?" she asked as we got aboard the train.

"...sponsorship." I replied finally.

"You mean sponsored killing?" Colgate added. "Like, assassin?" Now I was really in the shit; backed into a corner about my job. Yes, these two knew I contained a lot of evil spirits, but not what I used them for. Plus, telling somepony that your job is an assassin is a threat to my group. So, I did what any stallion would do.

"Not telling." I replied firmly. Octavia pulled her sexy face. "Yes." I sighed. I noticed a distinct change in demeanour around both; they seemed genuinely interested in my job now, raising brows as they reclined in their train seats.

"Well, now, that's...interesting..." Colgate laughed, closing the cubicle door. The train lurched forward at that moment, throwing me slightly off-guard, but once we moved into the tunnel leading down the mountain to Ponyville, the ride smoothed out and lights flickered on in the cubicle. "How much do you charge?"

"Depends what you want." I replied. "Wait, which service are we discussing?"

"The sexual one." Octavia smirked.

"Not operating at the moment. But if it's assassination, each extremely important requirement for a murder adds roughly 10000 bits to the price. But, a regular kill in normal circumstances is about 2000 bits. Why'd you need to know?" I asked.

"Oh, a few stallions keep wolf-whistling as I go past." Colgate said calmly. "If I could afford your service, then I would most likely pay the 18,000 to shut them all up. But I can't, so...yeah..." I sat forward in confusion.

"Wait, you think I'd charge you to beat the shit out of them?" I asked. "Nah, I'd do that anyway; bastards kept shoving me about when I first arrived in Equestria, so I think I deserve revenge." Both mares smirked.

"I'll give you an extra 10,000 if you sew their lips together." Octavia added. "And I'll sleep with you and Luna every night if you hang them from the Town Hall."

"Tough deal." I laughed. "I couldn't POSSIBLY sew their lips shut and cost you that much, but hanging them upside-down from the top spire seems like something I'd do anyway."

We arrived back in Ponyville at about lunchtime, and the sun was moderately high in the sky. All around, ponies were enjoying the sunshine, and it seemed like it'd be easy to go find the girls and guys. Since Blueblood's threat, I had contemplated what had happened with the monsters inside the others, but I had considered only that morning to see if they'd like to satisfy the blood-lust of their individual freaks by killing Spyper. Just as the three of us were about to go and find the girls and guys, there came a sharp wolf-whistle. I heard the audible groans of Colgate and Octavia, as they turned to face the 9 stallions. I did as well, and saw who it was. 3 of them I recognised from the Sonic Rainboom episode as the guys that bullied Rainbow. I could recognise another as a Cherry Fizzy. I recognised him when I saw Twilight bounding around in a ridiculous way a few weeks after I first arrived and he asked if she was OK. Otherwise, I recognised none of the others, but most of them seemed to try being intimidating.

"Damn, sugar!" called Cherry as his lads laughed loudly over bottles of beer. "How 'bout you both come over an' show us some spice, huh?" Octavia and Colgate looked back at me.

"Wanna go deal with them?" Colgate sighed. I blinked.

"Not worth it at the moment." I replied calmly.

"Come on, we need this."

"It's not worth punching them to death yet." I said again. "You'll know when I think they've crossed the line."

"Are you two fuckin' slags listenin' to me, huh? All that fuckin' sluttiness gone to your 'eads?"

"He's really pushing his luck now..." I muttered. Both mares were literally melting me with glares. Then the guy pushed it.

"Oi, 's that you, Thunder Mustang? Still the crazy little shit we loved to shove around, right lads?" he yelled over. "You went off an' got with that fuckin' slut of a Princess, right? I can fuckin' PAY for a bangin' like dat!" The stallion group roared with laughter, and I looked over to Colgate and Octavia. They were covering their faces, trying not to laugh at the insult. Ponies nearby who heard did the loud 'Ohhhhhhhhh....' noise, and began to call friends over to witness the argument.

"I'm sorry," I called back, "But would you care to repeat that last insult? I need to know how far I need to put my boot up your ass." The group went silent, and Cherry stepped forward, followed by the rest.

"You answerin' back, pretty boy?" he snarled as the group began to circle me. I removed my coat, throwing it to Octavia. "You know who's runnin' these streets?"

"Ah, I'd hope some form of government legislation system?" I replied. The crowd chuckled.

"No." Cherry snapped back. "It's me an' my lads. An' you know what we do to them fuckers dat stand 'gainst us?"

"Explain that they shouldn't step out of line, then identify the fact you possess the knowledge of their place of accomodation." It went over his head, but my hat was pulled off my head and chucked away by one of the circling gang members.

"N-Nah." he replied. "We fuckin' beat the shit out of 'em, 'm I right, lads?" The rest of his gang grunted in agreement. "So, I'm gonna make you an example, then we're gonna fuck yer little sluts you've got followin' ya around." He stared me in the eyes, and in reply, I turned and walked away to collect my hat. "OI! I'M NOT DONE WITH YOU, YET!" I bent down to pick my hat up, and held it in my hoof. Then, as I did that, I formulated a plan Sherlock-Holmes-Style.

Throw hat.

Distraction.

Cross blow to left cheek.

Both hands, head-side strike, discombobulate.

Right hook to ribs.

Buck to face, cracking jaw.

Uppercut, dislocating already damaged jaw.

Eye gouge, blindness.

Roundhouse kick to head, incapacitate.

Final kick to chest, break cracked ribs.

Punch to face, knock to floor.

In summary, broken ribs, cracked and dislocated jaw, damaged eye, potential brain injuries, and PTSD.

Full physical recovery, 4 weeks.

Full mental recovery, 8 weeks.

That took only a few seconds to work out. The crowd was now booing me for cowardice, hissing and laughing. Pfft. Idiots.

So, just as I literally felt Cherry glaring at the back of my head, my plan came to action. I turned sharply, throwing my hat. He looked at it for a second, before I took a swift punch to his left cheek. He was stunned, but not as stunned as he would be when I slammed both forehooves against the side of his head. Now he was staggering, I was able to perform a right hook to his ribs with audible cracking, then turn and use both hind legs to buck him in the face. The crowd was almost gasping at this. He was in pain, and clutching his face. So, to make it more painful, I delivered a devastating blow to his chin, and I heard his jaw quietly pop out of place. Then I jabbed a hoof into his eye, leapt into the air with a spin, and kicked the side of his head. He nearly fell, before I landed and bucked him in the chest again. This time, he flew back a few feet, and stayed down on the ground gasping for breath. The crowd went absolutely silent, save for some murmuring.

"Where did that come from?" I heard somepony say at the back. I looked to Cherry's companions, who were now backing away slowly.

"Any of you guys want to push your luck?" I asked. I was met with head shakes and repeated 'oh no, of course not'. "Good." I turned to Octavia, who was smiling now. "Tavi, would you kindly pass me my coat?" I asked.

"Certainly, Thunder." she beamed, before throwing the jacket over to me.

"Thank you." I said as I put it back on. Then, I went for my hat. "Now then," I said as I moved towards Colly and Tavi. "Shall we get going?"

"Hey Twilight!" I said as I entered the library. The librarian looked confused, then smiled as she saw who said it.

"Thunder! You're back!" she said cheerfully. "And I hear you publically humiliated Cherry Jubilee?"

"Wow, news spreads that fast?" I whistled. "Jesus. Anyway, yeah, the guy had it coming. According to him, Luna is a slag, Octavia and Colgate are hookers, and I'm a crazy little shit that they liked to shove around."

"Says the guy who's in hospital now." she laughed. "Anyway, what brings you back down here?"

"Well," I began as I took a seat on the stairs to the second floor, "Blueblood went to that cemetery on that night."

"Ah." Twilight sighed. "What happened?"

"He, as far as I can tell, got possessed by the Spyper, a double-kukri wielding, cloak and daggering, dead ringering cross of Spy and Sniper. It also made him crazy, since he asked, nay, ORDERED Celestia, Luna, and myself to go in the castle courtyard in three days time so he can EXECUTE us and take the throne."

"Pillock." Twilight snorted.

"I know, right?" I laughed. "He challenged me to a duel, and acts like a god, so I was thinking the guys and you girls could come along to help kill him. Yes, we're killing him."

"I'm alright with that, and Spike's away for those days, so why not? We should just go and ask the girls and guys, then we can see who's coming along."

"Alright, sounds good." I smiled. "Let's get going then, shall we?"

I have no business. I'm moderately poor, actually.

Twilight and I were quickly stopped by a large crowd of ponies. They wanted us to follow them to some 'mysterious' unicorn in the centre of town, because he was apparently terrorizing those who came near or had some relation to Twilight or myself. Seeing no other choice, we followed along too. However, when we arrived, we could easily see where the problem was coming in.

I had to duck as Solar came flying over my head, yelling loudly as he smashed into the side of the bridge, flipping over the side and into the water below. Behind him, I saw Inferno encased in a red aura, before suddenly turning a bright shade of pink. He was then dropped on the ground, looking absolutely traumatised. The girls weren't safe either; Rainbow's wing suddenly expanded to 3 times its normal size, causing her to flip over in the air, spiral out of control, then land in the river next to Solar. This was taking place in an almost circle-like stage, with ponies making up the walls and the creepy ringmaster wearing a black cloak with a red and black amulet to clip it together. Even Dr Dr Dr Leftenant Commander-In-Chief Mk.VXX Spike was cowering behind a box, shielding his awesome head with his arms.

"Oh Faust..." Twilight gasped. "Who is this pony?"

"Dunno," I replied, narrowing my eyes at the mystery figure. "But...eh...they...seem familar, eh..." I shrugged, and began to trot towards the figure. "YOU THERE!" I shouted. "YES, YOU IN THE CAPE. STOP YOUR CRIMINAL SCUM-LIKE ACTS AND SHOW US YOUR FACE." Surprisingly, there was a female laugh.

"Well well," she smiled as the hood flicked back, "If it isn't Thunder Mustang." I narrowed my eyes at the mare, trying to remember who it was.

"Ehhhh..." I groaned quietly. Everypony else recognised her. "...nnnnnope, not familiar..." She was light blue, with a silver mane and...wait, I can't tell what her eyes are, they're flickering red...shit. Hmm...OH, IT'S THIS BITCH. I raised a hoof and smiled as I remembered." OHHH, IT'S YOU!" I said loudly. "YOUR NAME WAS, LIKE, FUCKING...Umm...Trixie...? Yeah, that's it, TRIXIE!" She smirked.

"Ah, you do remember me, hmm?" Trixie looked at me evilly. "Trixie was looking forward to getting revenge after you HUMILIATED her months before in Ponyville!"

"Woah, I didn't do shit to you, alright?" I said quickly, raising hooves defensively. "If anything, you humiliated ME by only partially doing a gender-change spell." My wings beeped loudly and flared. "And by god, I've changed since then."

"No longer the pitiful stallion I embarrassed before, hmm?" she snarled, blowing mane from her eyes. "Well, let's put that to the test: You and I have some unfinished business to attend to."

"Nah, I didn't really start any business with you, since it'd end in bloodshed. Now I'm CERTAIN starting business, or as you say, finishing it would end in dismemberment." I replied. "And anyway, I'm-"

CRRCK

"-bloody crazy!" I shouted loudly with a crazed expression. I clicked my neck back into place. "Ahem, yeah, that. I have about 4 malevolent entities aboard HMS Thunder, so why don't you just pootle away?" In reply, I was levitated upside-down and put in front of Trixie's face. I had no say in this, as usual.

"Trixie happens to be MORE powerful than all of them combined, so why don't we duel for it, hmm?" she looked almost seductive, yet highly unstable at the same time. "The loser leaves Ponyville...FOREVER!" The crowd gasped loudly, and I heard the phrase 'Don't do it, Thunder' repeated several times. Ignoring them, I looked her in the eyes, raising my hat slightly since it had somehow managed to stay on my head while I was upside-down.

"OK, mate." I chuckled. Immediately, I was dropped onto my head. I moved back to where I was stood before, but Trixie looked impatient.

"Well then?" She asked impatiently. "Where's your magic?" I thought for a moment.

"This is a magic duel?" I replied. "You challenged a Pegasus to a magic duel. That's like challenging a tree to a who-can-jump-the-highest competition. Of course, Fluttershy would win, but still." Nopony got the joke. "Well, fuck you all too." Suddenly, Pinkie jumped in the middle of us.

"WHAT ABOUT A DANCE CONTEST?!" she asked loudly, bouncing around. "IT'D BE SO MUCH FUN, BECAUSE THUNDER WOULD BUST A MOVE OUT THERE AN-" A mouse pointer had appeared, clicked her mouth, then threw it in a recycle bin, which promptly disappeared. Trixie was smiling victoriously.

"Oh my god, that was awesome." I said finally. "I'm contemplating joining your side, now. Dammit."

"Well, you can't, unless you'd be willing to serve me." Trixie said. "In any way I please."

"Yea-wait, NO." I corrected myself quickly. "I'm already tired out from female attention, I don't want to have to put up with...whatever you had planned. I'll fight you, but I don't know how I could without ma-"

CRRCK

"Allow me to deal with this one, my friend." GentleSpy said casually. This time, I felt my whole body change; my steely wings disappeared from view, my fur turned a warm hazel-brown color, and I felt my jacket and boots turn into formal shoes and a suit jacket. Finally, my hat shifted its form into that of a fedora. I also felt a horn appear on my head, a sure sign that GentleSpy had accepted the duel offer. He looked at the crowd, smirking. "Sorry to pop in unannounced." he chuckled, adjusting his...well, my tie. His gaze lingered on a group of mares that looked like One Direction fangirls seeing the band from a distance, looking excited, 'interested', and 'excited'. He chuckled, and winked at them, causing them to faint sideways in adoration.

If I did that I'd get a slap. You lucky bastard.

He flicked his eyes back over to Trixie, who seemed to be trying to conceal her interest quite a lot. "Let us settle this like Gentlemen!" he ordered, extending a hoof and making the universal 'bring it on'. Both GentleSpy and Trixie narrowed their eyes at each other, GentleSpy was spending a long time gazing into Trixie's ~~deep, entrancingly warm and enticing~~ eyes, trying to ascertain her weaknesses. The crowd was silent, waiting to see who'd make the first move.

"Draw!" Trixie shouted, and it took only a second for GentleSpy to fire a white pulse at the mare. It washed over her, causing a massive amount of electrical damage as she was zapped and frazzled in an instant. A second later it stopped, leaving her stunned and staggering for balance. She growled, and shook her head. "Pfft. Is that the best you can do?!" she jeered, before firing a pulse at us. It washed over GentleSpy, having seemingly no effect, until I noticed that GentleSpy was...stopping. From what I could see, he didn't seem to be interested in fighting any more, rather more serving. Quickly, I grabbed his spirit and slapped him in the face incredibly hard.

SNAP OUT OF IT.

Oof! Ah...w-with my a-apologies...I don't know what happened...

We need help. Christian?

Hmhmhmm, gottit. Gentle, gimme the wheel.

But of course.

I felt my clothes change back to normal on my body, but my body wasn't changing back to blue and gold. Rather, a deep black color with a dark brown mane. Sunglasses also appeared on my eyes, but they were bearing red spattering. I also noticed how I got a lot taller. I looked at my hooves; I had control now. "Heheheh, nice." I looked down at Trixie. She was staring slack-jawed.

"That's impossible..." she whispered. I saw how tiny her pupils were in her eyes, and approached her slowly. The crowd was now deathly silent, but Trixie was panicking as she backpedalled. "S-Stay back! Y-You win! J-Just stop! No! Don't keep coming closer!" Finally, her flanks were pressed against the town hall and I pressed my face not even inches from hers. "...d-don't hurt me...p-please..." she whispered again. I just laughed.

"Haha, bloody hell, you're awful!" I snorted. "Give's a look at that fancy necklace yer wearin', Shiela. It'll look bloody nice on my jacket, mate." Suddenly, Trixie looked a lot more aggressive, charging up her horn in a flash and zapping my new body with a ludicrously powerful charge. It sent me flying backwards into the crowd, which immediately parted as I slammed my head against a wall. It shattered, and I was now incredibly pissed off.

"DON'T TOUCH MY AMULET!" she screeched, before picking me up, spinning me around repeatedly, and preparing to throw me away. "I WIN BY DEFAULT! TRIXIE ALWAYS WINS!" Just before I was sent flying, something grabbed my tail as I was thrown over a mile away into the Everfree forest.

Ahhh, piss. I'm sorry mate.

Why are you leaving the control-nonononoNOOOOOOO, NOT THE POISON JO-

An Actually Interesting Discussion

I came to with the repeated whirring of my wings attempting to repair themselves from the impact. Slowly, I opened my eyes. I was leaned up against a tree with a field of blue in front of me. My head was pounding, my vision was blurry, and I was incredibly confused as to where I was, who I was, and how I got there. After all; that was about a mile I flew and smacked my face into a tree upon landing. I clicked my neck and looked around to get my bearings. I was in a clearing of the Everfree Forest, with the sounds of nature all around and ringing in my ears. Suddenly, I heard a voice.
"Thunder." It was female, and sounded actually quite pretty. I looked to the source, seeing a grey blob looking down at me with purple eyes. "You there?" I wasn't thinking straight, so I said the first thing that came to mind.
"...you're pretty..." I groaned. "Have I met you before? Because you're really pretty..." I saw a smile appear on the grey blob.
"Umm...no...we haven't met before." she replied. "M-My name's Octavia. And you're Thunder Mustang."
"I thought your name was Beautiful, because that's what you are..." I slurred. I was slowly regaining my senses. Again, slowly. And evidently I wasn't thinking clearer either. Now the sides of the smile turned a light red.
"Erm...t-thank you." Octavia replied. Had I been thinking straight, I would have spoken to her like I normally do. Instead, I was literally speaking like a drunk. I hadn't been drunk in ages, and for good reason; I do things I regret. Like Spitfire. "We both landed in those Poison Joke flowers, but the effects haven't started showing yet. So...I was thinking...we should go to the local Medicine Mare, Zecora. She deals with this kind of thing, so we should go see her about this." I was paying attention, and I knew what was happening now. Poison Joke. But I'd been confused, and suddenly snapping to attention would ruin the fun I was having. I slowly ran a hoof down what I already knew was the inside of her thighs, and she tensed up.
"Th-Thunder...?" she was trying to sound assertive, and failing pretty badly; I could see how much her cheeks were flushing, and she visibly bit her lip and closed her eyes. "D-Don't touch me there...n-no more..." I smirked at her.
"I'm back." I laughed. I could see she was enjoying this, and did EXACTLY what any man would do to Octavia*. I ravaged her in the middle of a forest.
Aww, I wish I could join you two.
I do too. Princess, did I ever commend you on your skills in selecting a lover?
No, but thank you. I met Thunder and knew he'd be perfect. We have our rough patches but he's still the best thing that's ever happened to me.
Umm...I have...well, a question. Only mares could answer it.
Sure, shoot.
What...makes me...different?
What do you mean?
Well, it's just that I arrived with like-minded stallions, alike in nature, and most of them are much better looking than me. So why not them? What makes me so appealing to mares? Most mares I meet seem to like me more than most stallions I meet; why?
Th-Thunder...ahhhhh...I'm...I-I'm...nnnghh...!
That's it. Just let all the stress out.
Mmm, delicious. Anyway, I think it's just...you. You arrived with no money, no home, no brothers, only your friends, a gun, and the jacket on your back. That was interesting enough, then you turned out to be the crazy type, and you became literal tabloid material. It must just be the way you deal with things that gets interest; a normal pony would talk it out, you'd just shout your opinions in their face then stare at them in an unnerving way. Maybe that.
Wow...hnnf...oh, I-I just found you incredibly charming, I suppose. The moment Vinyl called you over, I saw just the sheer calmness as you approached, different than the other 'hey ladies look at these guns' stallions that seem to want us so much. It was also the fact that we both share a moderately similar mind; Vinyl in pictures.
Dirty Pictures. I remember that.
That's why we work well with each other.
I guess so. But Luna; why don't you really care that I'm pretty flirtatious? You just don't give a damn that I might end up sleeping with a mare?
Well, I've been going by the idea that our relationship is simply sleep together a lot, and since we're both immortal, have each other as friends for life. What did you think?
So we're in a relationship...?
Well, yes, we are, but...not at the same time. Damn, it's hard to explain. It's an ancient idea.
Huh. Well, I thought it was a normal relationship. I'm glad it's not.
Why? Don't...you love me?
Lulu, I'll always love you. I just don't like doing things the normal way, I guess. Others want to get married, start a family, and do other normal stuff, and I'd prefer to know that somewhere in the world, I have somepony.
Well, we share the same idea then. It's why I don't mind talking to you as you rut Octavia. It's also why I don't mind JOINING you as you rut Octavia, Spitfire, Nightmare, Colgate, and other mares. I'm just incredibly open.
I'm also not looking forward to mares going into heat.
Why? Somepony as loved as you-yeah, you're doomed.
And Tavi?
Yes?
When you go into heat, I give you permission to chloroform me, drag me to your place, lock the doors and windows, and tie me up, then use me as a sex slave for as long as you want.
Oh...good.
You might not make it to The Heat if you can't bring the elements up here to defeat Blueblood.
Ah. About that. Miiiiinor setback.
Trixie's back. And she has some amulet that makes her a Demi-God. She threw us out of town, and we landed in poison joke. We'll have to get the cure.
Ugh, dammit.
Speaking of which, Tavi, I've noticed you've become a lot more...aromatic.
Hmm. What smells?
Mind control, sex, seduction, and dominatrixes. Wow, like normal.
Any side-effects?
Not yet. Your eyes are bigger and more adorable, but that's it, I guess.
I'm not getting this cured.
Anything different about me?
Ehhh, you've turned grey. Like, exactly the same as me.
Amazing. Fucking amazing. Tavi Mustang. Do I even have your firm flanks?
I don't know how delightful my own bum is, but I'm sure it isn't as delightful as yours.
Meanwhile, I'm thinking of Octavia's flanks...

Author's Note

* I would absolutely ravage that fantastic British ass. Or 'arse', as we say. They're so goddamn well-rounded, and I'd bury my face between them any day. ~~I'm not a clopper.~~

ZE PREPARATIONS

I awoke again as the train stopped. My chest still hurt, my bandages were completely red, and there was a small trickle of blood coming down my face. I was confused at the last part, but then remembered I'd been thrown across the floor on my face and shot in the chest with a handgun. To be honest, I had not a single fucking clue how I was still alive. At least Trixie had her ass kicked with combat boots.

"Thunder, be careful." Twilight said worriedly as I snapped to my hooves at speed, then limped out of the train carriage to head towards the castle. As though on cue, the swarm of paparazzi outside the carriage that had heard about the duel began snapping pictures and barraging me with questions. I completely ignored them, barging through them at the speed I could muster, I carried on going. "Thunder! Slow down, you're severely wounded! We need to get you to the hos-"

"No, you fucking don't." I grunted. "All I want right now is a coffee and a sandvich. Then, I'll go see Dok." The paparazzi continued following, and ponies in the street began trotting beside and panicking over my minor wound sustained from a nearly point-blank handgun shot.

The castle was in no less state of panic. Guards began attempting to convince me to go to the infirmary, maids and servants attempted to get me to stop so somepony could get a MeeM, and even Celestia herself broke off from a conversation to move beside me and try to talk me into stopping as I kept hobbling at almost jogging speed. "Thunder, you need to stop and get help." she said urgently. "You're bleeding."

"No shit." I replied bluntly. "Like I say, coffee and sandvich, then I'll see Dok."

"No, you're going to see Dok first." Celestia glared. "Then you can go get whatever you want for lunch before tomorrow, because you'll have to be getting ready for the fight."

"What time does it start?" I asked, ignoring her first sentence.

"He said at least 12:00."

"High noon...right...well, I'll go see Dok first. If Blueblood wants a cliché gunfight, I'll just kill him anyway." I said firmly, before biting my lip in the pain and beginning to gallimp* away to Dok's lab.

The moment I got into Dok's lab, the crowd following dispersed a tad, but the scientists were more than happy to fill those holes. I stumbled through the door, and leaned against a wall. "Hi, Dok." I chuckled breathlessly. "I've been shot." The Germane turned around in surprise, before reacting accordingly as he rolled his eyes, grabbed the Speed-Repair controls, and angled it towards me.

"Well done." he laughed. "Blueblood was desperate, nein?"

"Nah," I replied, watching as the bandages slipped off and the wound literally pulled itself shut. It's still fucking disturbing the way MeeMdi-guns do that shit. "Mare back in Ponyville with some amulet that made her a tad psychotic, I fought her, then she threw me along the floor with magic and then shot me in the chest with my own gun." Dok just laughed, much to the confusion of the ponies watching.

"Pah!" he snorted loudly. "That's not bad. Back in the Badlands, I had been shot, stabbed, bashed senseless with a steel pole, ignited, covered in urine, hacked at with machetes and axes, stabbed with a broken bottle, punched, covered in...blegh...'white paint', shall we say, and lasered during a single life. Nothing a simple sandwich can't fix, ja?" I immediately turned to Celestia.

"SEE?! I TOLD YOU!" The tall white mare rolled her eyes and stopped leaning against the doorway, instead opting to enter the room further. She simply began to pace the room as Dok and I conversed. Ten minutes later, the crowd had dispersed, leaving the girls and guys (and the psychotic spirits we so rightly needed) to head to rooms allotted to them by Celestia, and Dok and I to somehow start trading hats.

"So Doktor..." Celestia began. "You were the same as Thunder and his friends once?"

"Ja." he replied bluntly. "I killed many men like myself to get to where I am. In fact, sometimes I'd kill myself. But he was wearing different clothes, so it's fine. Thunder, nein, I already have 36 Private Eyes. Tooth Kickers and Team Spirit for the Quadwrangler?" Celestia tilted her head and approached the table.

"If it isn't too much of a sensitive topic," she asked, grabbing a spare seat and placing her well-rounded...curvy...ahem...ahhh, rump into it**, "Why do you two like hats so much? Is it a human thing?"

"Well, on our battlefield, a hat makes the man behind the trigger." Dok explained as we accepted the trade. "Take Scout for example. Sure, he runs fast and beats you up...ach, das pain...anyway, ja. He wore a black duty cap and orange headset; why not replace it with a tactically ineffective baseball cap and monocle? It makes sense, ja? There's a mercenary, and then there is a Badlands Mercenary." Celestia thought for a moment.

"What would my dress hat be worth?" she asked, before levitating out an unseen box and pulling out a generic summer evening hat, red with flowers. Dok looked at it with narrowed eyes.

"Well, considering the consistent sparkling..." he murmurred. "...40-50 keys. So a fair bit, nicht bad." Celestia began smiling.

"Good thing I don't wear it then." she laughed. "What'd you give me for it?" I smirked, and leaned back in my chair. Celestia likes trading. And there goes the monarchy: toppled with hats.

Five hours later, Celestia left the room with an Unusual Prince Tavish's Crown, obviously with the lucky Sunbeams since she was Celly, Tooth-Kickers, and Dark Age Defender. She looked like some kind of strangely hot battle-dominatrix-queen.

SHE CAN RULE ME ANY DAY

Author's Note

* Gallimp is my new word, my new words are cool. Gallop-Limp. Obviously Gallimp.
** You're welcome to it any time, you know.
Don't make me buck you.
In what way?
Yeah, Thunder, what way?
Oh, please, do tell.
Yes, please. We'd all like to know.
As would I.
Guys, it's five in the morning...I wanted to sleep today...
Can I brush your teeth when you get up? I'll use my tongue.
Pfft. You want to use my ass as a pillow?
I'll help you wake up next to somepony.
I can guard your dreams.
Ah! Thunder! Getting female attention, again?
...th-these...are the author's n-notes...want sleep...too confused...halp...

The Last...Dinner? I'm not weird, I have breakfast, lunch, and dinner. None of this 'supper' business, thank-you-very-much.

I went back to Luna's chambers feeling a lot more refreshed, knowing that all I had to do tomorrow was set up some ridiculous and elaborate trap without being caught. It was well worth ~~taking the Hobbits to Isengard~~ putting up an escape route in case I wanted to play it sneaky. To my luck, when the next day came I found a doorway in the back of the castle's older wings. Behind this door was a network of tunnels beneath the courtyard, all containing elaborate things like ancient elevators, stairs, and trapdoors operated by old levers. It was kind of like a Roman coliseum, where ~~you would go bowling~~ Gladiators and animals would be sent to the surface via such contraptions. As I explored these tunnels, I realised how easy it was to pop up where you needed to be, and where you didn't. For instance, there was a point where I clambered out of a trapdoor in front of a whole platoon of Guards, who looked at me in pure confusion. The Colonel behind was not too impressed with their staring, but instead surprised me by snapping off a salute.

"Permission to carry on, Sir?" he asked in a formal manner. I raised my hoof.

"Hey, no need for the 'sir' business, Colonel." I chuckled, causing him to relax slightly. "I don't have any military access, nor Noble status, so there's no point in giving the formalities." I turned to his squad. "You have a fine platoon here, Colonel. They'll make brilliant guards, I can see it in their eyes. Afternoon~~" I sang as I closed the trapdoor again, leaving one very confused Colonel and twelve amused soldiers. Though I noted at that point that almost all of the troopers looked...familiar.

I couldn't place my hoof on it at the time, so I shrugged, and continued placing remote explosives on certain areas with iron-cast grids. All I'd need to do is lure Prince BlueSpyper onto one, if not him then one of his 'small group' he said would be coming along to aid him.

I honestly knew he was going to fight dirty. So why not put my own stains into his fur and let them settle in?

At dinner, the situation was pretty awkward. While I was out putting bombs down, Rock Roller, Bush Whacker, and Jane Doe had arrived, and sat at the table beside Dok. They were eyeing each other in a way that only old friends could do, and everypony else was eyeing them like they were all 'getting ready for the night'. I was the first to clear the silence.

"So..." I began, diverting attention from half of the room to myself. "I assume you know these guys, Dok?"

"Ich glaube, ich muss tun..." he murmured, before speaking up. "Nun, meine Freunde, was bringt Ihnen bis zu Canterlot?" Bush, Rock, and Jane looked confused, before Bush cleared his throat. The red stallion looked at Dok, and quite clearly said;

"Arbeiten. Wir haben hier einige Arbeit zu tun zu kommen." a lot of mouths in the area dropped at the fact such an already dashing stallion could speak multiple languages. He turned to Rock. "Рок, напомни мне ..., которые были старым другом мы также спуститься сюда, чтобы увидеть?" Jaws dropped further, and a female guard across the room began eyeing the red and brown maned stallion up and down. He was utterly oblivious to it.

"Да, конечно..." Rock replied cautiously. "Вернувшись домой, мы знали, что ...человека. Эм, жеребец, я имею в виду. Мы называли его медика, или врачом. И когда мы приехали сюда из ... Griffonia, мы поняли, что мы могли бы встретиться с ним еще раз. Вы, случайно, не знаете доктор злорадства, не так ли, товарищ?" All eyes stared blankly at him, and Dok thought the statement over. Finally, he replied to our surprise.

"Да, это было бы меня. Вы, случайно, не лежать и на самом деле ссылки на бесплодные земли Нью-Мексико, и факт, вы были заняты в качестве наемников?" He spoke so fluently, even more mares had began eyeing all three stallions with equal interest. I also added into the conversation, noting a strange presence.

"Spy, sérieusement, je sais que vous êtes là." I groaned. More eyes snapped to me. "Arrêtez d'essayer de masquer votre présence à partir de Medic, Soldier, Heavy, et Sniper. Gardez à l'esprit que Sniper porte des lunettes, et serait probablement jeter un pot de pisse à vous, Medic a un pistolet caché dans son sac, et Heavy va vous écraser avec ses sabots nus, je viendrais si j'étais vous." I stopped, and shook my head. "Jesus, where did that come from?" In spite of my sudden knowledge of the French language (See A/N for clop mental image made in Google Translate), Spy did decloak, surprising everyone. I smirked, reclining in my chair as the guys stared at me in utter confusion in how I knew French despite hating the people and their country. "Spotted you."

"Ugh, you bastard." Spy groaned. The blue stallion in the suit trotted up to the large crowd in the dining room doorway, approaching one of the maids. She, as with all maids, was wearing a pony-like version of a French Maid costume, and looked adorable and sexual at the same time. He looked her up and down, smirking behind his balaclava. "Tu es magnifique, madame. Le costume de femme de chambre classique a été conçu et popularisé dans mon pays d'origine de France. Venez, laissez-moi vous montrer les voies de mon peuple." he said softly. The mare was utterly elated, and a large crowd of them followed Spy out of the room.

Just for the record, I did not reccomend that sexy fashion design to Rarity, and she did not go to Celestia with it, and Celestia did not approve, and I was sent to an alternate universe and raped by Molestia.

Anyway, the remaining stallions sighed in relief. "God, thankfully that's over." I groaned, before continuing to eat my salad.

"Da. Rock did not enjoy nopony understanding him." Rock added, the hulking stallion looking quite depressed. Dok smiled, and put a hoof to his shoulder.

"Ah, it is no problem." He smiled. "I'm just glad to have at least 4 BLU team members with me." Bush nodded.

"Yeah. But what about Engineer, Demoman, Scout, and...him?" The men froze as Bush mentioned it. "Oh god. He might be in this world." he murmured. Celestia now looked worried.

"W-Well, who's...he?" she asked worriedly. A moment of silence reigned between the Princesses, the girls, the guys, myself, everyone else at the table, and the BLUs. Quietly, I reached into my bag, and pulled out a small tape recording Dok had given me, along with some photos. They were melted or charred horribly, but playable, and I'd listened to it. All eyes on me, I clicked the play button.

A man's walking was heard, the sound of a quiet night being replaced by the whirring of the recording. "Day 12 of my 'new-life' scheme." a voice announced. "Mabel is happy I've decided to spend more time with the kids, and I think it took my mind off the...neighbour, shall I say..." there was a pause. "No. Phillip. No. You'll just remind yourself. You know what he does. Just don't talk out. Anyway, l-like I was saying, I'll have to cut this short, since I'm coming to my front do-" There was silence, and the footsteps stopped. "Oh dear god." I passed out the first image, flicking it onto the table; It was a police photo of the door to the house, busted open with multiple axe swings. Inside was an eerie darkness.

"M-My front door...the kids...Mabel...Oh, CHRIST!" he yelled suddenly, the recording going louder as footsteps were heard at sprinting speed. I could see everypony at the table getting uncomfortable, minus those who couldn't hear. The footsteps on concrete went onto wood, and a door creaked. "Mabel?! Kids?!" the man called out. There was a moment of silence again, before more footsteps, and the sound of a shotgun being cocked. "You son of a bitch...you come in my house, you've crossed the line." The recorder was moved closer to his mouth. "OK, just to clarify, my neighbour is a psychopath, he's busted my door down and possibly attacked my family, wears a gas mask, and has Pyromania. This man is insane. I'm gonna go get the phone to call the poli-"

Thud.

Thud.

Thud.

Slow, deliberate footsteps were heard, accompanied by the dragging of an object along the floor, probably an axe. I threw out my next picture; a charred axe left at the scene, covered in blood and cinders. Ponies looked at these and looked terrified, with Luna just looking and me as though the man in the pictures was me. The dragging ceased. "Y-You bastard...I'm gonna blow a hole through your goddamn he-!" There was a crack, and a splatterig sound, accompanied by a gunshot and scream. Then the hissing started. "N-No! WHERE WERE YOU EVEN FUCKING HIDING THAT THING?! NO! NOOOOO-!" The rest of the tape was cut by Dok, since it was over 15 minutes of a man having his skull forcibly pulled out and smashed with an axe.

This might be our last time together, Thunder." Luna whispered, my head pressed under her chin as she gently stroked my neck. "Do you want to just spend it as normal?" I thought for a moment.

"Nah." I replied quietly. "I think this is nice." I turned my head, planting a kiss on her neck, and the room felt warmer. Warmer than I'd ever felt. For four hours, we simply lay there, snuggled closely together and sharing body heat, until...

"This is boring." I sighed.

"Agreed." Luna nodded. "I'll go get the lingerie."

Author's Note

Je suis totalement lécher le cul de la princesse Luna comme elle gémit de plaisir, serrant ses flancs jusqu'à ce qu'elle laisse une vague de jus d'amour dans mon visage.

Freaks on Freaks

I trotted down the halls of the castle, and all I received were respectable nods from those I went past. I passed one window, and halted to see outside world. The country of Equestria stretched out into the distance, villages distant specks in the midst of mountains. Somewhere, Ponyville was unaware of where I was, and what I was due to do in front of crowds. And from what I remember, Blueblood had a large following of mares, and a 'small' contingent of guards to help him. He'd even taken the liberty of taking them to the graveyard of power. So, effectively, Pinkis Cupcake, Brutalight Sparkle, Gentle Thunder Sniper, J.D Fire Trail, RariFruit, Fluttershout, ApplePills, NinjaFernoPan, Skydine, Doktor Noooo, Rainbine, and VagiBlast were fighting Prince BlueSpyper and a group of as-of-then unidentified freaks. It'd be an interesting battle, especially since I already knew what my brother intended to do: He was planning to play most of the tracks that Pendulum released back on Earth. I was happy to know that I might die listening to Propane Nightmares. I turned and looked down the hall.

At the end of this corridor was the door to the courtyard, where it had as much, if not more, of an audience as when there's a Royal Guard Parade, Royal Inspection, or huge promotion/music gig. I then sighed, mentally prepared myself, and began to trot to the doorway. As I made my way towards the end, a set of doors opened to my right. I looked, and saw Rarity, Fluttershy, Rainbow Dash, Applejack, and Solar give a smirk and nod, before beginning to come to my side. They were ready to go; bright purple Team Captains equipped, manes in their strange colours, and faces fucked up beyond recognition. We moved in a line, before all of us turned to look at another door that opened. Without any word, Twilight, Inferno, Sky, Fire, Pinkie, and Dok joined the other side of our group, all ready as well. I smiled at them all, halting before the doorway. I stood at the front of the group, and began to speak.

"Guys," I began, "I've pushed myself as hard as I could. You pushed harder. I'm the cause of this year-long adventure, and I think you guys could help me this one last time. I'll get myself out of your manes after this; no more dragging you down, no more forcing you to help me, none of it. This is it, I swear." I heard hooves shifting and quiet collective groaning. Twilight stepped forward slowly, placing a hoof on my shoulder.

"Thunder, listen...OK? We know you...like to help as much as possible. We just don't think we can help you here. Y-You know what we mean?"

"Yes, I understand." I replied, before pointing to her hoof, holding it in my own. "Look. What do you see?" She stared, and looked back.

"My hoof...?"

"Exactly. Your hoof. You agreed to let me help you guys get the Elements all those months ago. You looked after us when we had no clue what we were doing. You slapped sense into me when I snapped. You led the group to the surface when we were almost due to be eaten. You've done all you can to keep things as normal as possible for everypony. Now I think it's time for me to take charge for a while and return the favour."

Proudly, we stood in the arena. Well, coliseum. Erm...parade square? Yeah. That thing. Crowds all around were giving mixed responses; one side with countless mares holding 'I <3 Blueblood' signs were booing at us, while the other side was mostly guards, some members of the clan, and ponies from Ponyville, plus other ponies not carrying signs, but simply cheering. They didn't want to stand out as much as possible, that was a good thing*. I gave them a respectful nod, before noticing that platoon of guards from the day before stood near the front eyeing me with a certain look. I couldn't figure out who at the time, but I was absolutely certain I'd end up knowing them from Earth.

Anyway, we'd been waiting about ten minutes, until the gates leading out to the courtyard were blasted open in a huge blast of heat and smoke. Ponies in the stands gasped as Celestia and Luna were thrown out backwards onto the floor, sliding along and coming to a rest a few feet from us. Immediately we ran over to check they were OK, but we were interuppted by somepony jumping down in front of us. It was a mare in a white cloak, wearing an Assassin's Creed hood, with her mouth covered by some unseen bandana. Her arms had metallic contraptions on them, and that mad wit more obvious what she intended to do as she began to slowly approach. The crowd was silent as we stayed still, watching this daft bitch coming towards us and trying to intimidate us. Slowly, she singled out Fire and caused him to back away from the group.

"Well, well," she chuckled, "If it isn't J.D Aussie...I understand you're Thunder's...right hoof colt, hmm?"

"No. That's Inferno." Fire corrected bluntly. The mare recoiled slightly in surprise, turning away.

"Oh. In that case..." Suddenly, she slammed a hoof out, kicking Fire to the floor in a deft movement. "I'll just go fight him. Toodles, handsome." I could hear some bleeping as Fire's swearing was cut out by a device in his throat. Then, Inferno was slowly lead away in the same manner, and they ended up across the arena within a few seconds. I moved to Fire, and helped him to his hooves.

"You alright?" I asked, dusting the cyborg off.

"Yeah." he responded. "She's got one hell of a kick. But I think Inferno can take care of himself." I nodded, and heard the repeated whacking sound of a frying pan and a woman crying out in pain. I looked back to the source of the explosion and noticed 11 silhouetted figures in the smoke and flames; from what I could gather they were wearing armour, had at least three unicorns with them, and Blueblood at the helm. The group slowly began to approach our group, and I noticed some major giveaways in a few of their members as to who they had the powers of. Blueblood had made himself obvious; brown slouch hat like mine, jacket, and I could see two kukri handles peeking out behind his neck. The stallion next to him had a green face, yellow suit and hat, and dodgy facial expressions, so it was obviously Jim Carrey.

However, the mare on his other side seemed...fair. I recognised her as the tall, cyan earth mare with a brown mane I'd seen Blueblood courting with, but obviously she trusted him quite a bit if she was going to go into a fight normally.

But from all his other teammates, I could only gather a few of them. There was one blue stallion wearing a hood like the mare that Inferno was beating with a pan, only with the addition of a nano-bandana and blue armour. He seemed to have something stashed up his sleeves. Then, there was a red and blue pair of stallions. I couldn't exactly think of who it was, but as with the case of the mare, they were either incredibly stupid or had a brilliant disguise. From there, I couldn't tell who else there was, besides one wooden cut-out of a stallion, since they'd already begun to circle somepony that was helping me. The Assassin that Inferno was wailing on with a cast-iron skillet leapt away after suddenly kicking him to the ground, before starting to approach Pinkie. However, I had Blueblood to deal with, so Inferno being double-teamed by the red and blue stallions was the least of my worries. I had Blueblood coming towards me, determination set on both our faces.

He stepped over Luna's unconcious body, and for the first time in a while, I began to approach him. Finally, when we were only a few feet from each other, we slammed our heads together, and began shoving at each other. The crowd began to cheer, knowing it was finally happening. I could only see his eyes and mouth through his ski-mask, and they had the same stone-cold determination I did. We went on like this for a few more seconds, before I kicked a hoof forward and knocked him to the floor. He grunted, and stumbled, backpedalling and giving his female fans a chance to boo me for dicking him over. This also gave me room to pull out the Horsemann's Headtaker and swing it down violently. I suddenly felt resistance as Blueblood had both of his kukris crossed and blocking my huge steel axe. He smirked.

"I think not." he chuckled, before performing an exact replication of my own kick and delivering it to my back legs. I reacted...moderately well, managing to catch myself using my jaw. The crowd 'ohh'd' at the move, and I could see a few guys and girls from the clan shifting uncomfortably, as though raring to jump in and help. In reply, I rolled out of the way as he brought both kukris down where my head was seconds ago. This gave me the opportunity to get back to my hooves, and check whether my plan would be worth setting in motion. Stood on the grid near the castle entrance was the mare that attacked Inferno, and she was fighting Brutalight. The deep purple alicorn already knew about the C4, and almost read my mind as she pulled out a spear, twirled it with magic, before ramming it into the remote detonator. The C4 exploded loudly, causing a wave of cheers and jeers in the crowd. It all went silent for a moment as all of us stopped fighting for a few seconds to look at what happened. The mare had vanished entirely, leaving behind a few scraps of smoldering fabric. Twilight laughed psychotically, trotting over to Inferno to help him with SeeStallion and Seeldier.

"Take that, ya frilly tart." she said loudly, causing another wave of black guy-styled 'OHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!' from the crowd.

"Heh." Blueblood chuckled quietly. I looked at him, and he looked at me, before I looked back at the situation, and so did he.

"Heh." I replied. He looked back quizzically at me, kukris ready.

"You want me to cut your bloody tongue out, you-" his neck clicked. "-incompetent coward?" I continued laughing.

"Ahhh," I replied. "Funny thing; you're stood exactly where I concentrated most of the C4." I saw the penny drop in Blueblood's mind as he looked down. Sure enough, he was stood on the centre grid, a 'grand finale', if you will. Without any warning to him, I pulled out the detonator. "Aaaaand fuck you." I said finally, clicking the switch.

Nothing.

I pressed again.

Still nothing.

Blueblood simply laughed, and pointed around to where my friends were. "You thought I was stupid, no?" he spat in my face. "I switched the detonators. I have yours, and you have mine. As if by coincidence, all but one of your friends are standing where I put my time delayed remote bombs. I'd say your team has..." Smugly, he looked up to a clock. "...ohhh, 5 seconds left?" The girls and guys immediately panicked, and Twilight initiated the failsafe; her horn began to glow very brightly, and a machete entered the throat of Seeldier AND Seeman. The crowd audibly aired its blood-thirstiness at the display, before everypony helping me was teleported away. That meant Celestia and Luna as well. Effectively, I was now alone.

However, that's when there was the deafening boom of a shit-load of bombs exploding, and all of us remaining were thrown to the ground. I saw somepony die. One of Blueblood's guys, the MeeM-infected one, simply set alight and was destroyed. I felt myself being thrown into one of the iron grates, and something in my leg audibly twisted.

It hurt like fuck.

I loudly yelled in pain, and through the fire and muffled sounds, I could hear two things being yelled from both sides.

"Get up!"

"Finish him off!"

I could figure which one was aimed at Blueblood. Wincing, I grunted and began to crawl away. Eventually, after what felt like forever, something finally stood on my back, and kicked me onto my side. I felt like I'd lost.

Just a feeling.

Then, I was picked up with magic around my throat, and span around to face Blueblood and his thugs.

"I'd assume I win this." he laughed throatily. "Mate!" That's when I felt both of his kukris plowing into my chest, and my body started spasming violently. I coughed up blood, and my mind went haywire. In seconds, his gang had galloped away to go celebrate and find the girls and guys to do god-knows-what to them. This left Blueblood gloating over me as he slowly paced and adressed 'his new Equestrian order'.

NO! THUNDER, DON'T DIE! SHOOT HIM!

YOU CAN'T JUST DIE! Y-YOU'VE ONLY BEEN HERE A YEAR!

DON'T! HERR THUNDER, DON'T! I CAN GET TO YOU! I-I CAN HEAL YOU! STAY ALIVE!

Woah, woah, what's going on?! Did Thunder LOSE?! NO!

GOD FUCKING DAMMIT! THUNDER! NO!

Thunder, listen. This is no time to play dead. This isn't. Fucking. Funny. Stop it, and kill this useless piece of shit that's DARED to come out of its fucking hole.

With...my apologies. I did all I could.

Ahhh, I'm sorry, mates. He was a good bloke.

You two. Get out of here. Right now. You...you pathetic cowards. You didn't even BOTHER to give him any help.

What about that fuckin' axe, Shiela?! He'd be bloody dead otherwise!

Well why didn't you give him something in his left hoof?!

I-It was nopony's fault but mine...

.

.

.

...I should have killed his companions before I Ringer'd.

The crowd gasped as I appeared behind him, slowly tossing his Dead Ringer in the air and catching it. He stopped speaking, and began to pat his jacket down to find his Dead Ringer, but then I spotted him cringe as I dropped it and ground it beneath my hoof.

"Ugh, merde." he muttered. Then, he began to spin, and I could see him about to draw his SMG. Faster than he could react, I propelled myself forwards, grabbed his foreleg, before using it to head-butt him as hard as possible. He was stunned, falling down to a crouch and shaking as he stopped the blood gushing from his nose. Slowly, I trotted forward, picked up his own SMG, and kicked him backwards. He lay there helplessly, before smirking and attempting to charge a spell up. In reply, I shot him in the horn. He screamed in pain.

"You've caused ME too much trouble." I snarled, before putting a few rounds into each of his legs. The crowd was either in tears of anger, if they were a Blueblood Fangirl, or cheering if they supported ~~Capitalism~~ me. "You're an absolute twat, and serve no other purpose than to piss me off." Then, I put the gun inbetween his eyes.

"Cago en tu leche." he spat. Immediately, a small group of ponies in the crowd burst out laughing, and since I understood it, I did too. I turned to the crowd.

"Speak to him in his own language, eh?" I laughed, before looking back at Blueblood. "Mi cabro en ti, cabron." I laughed back. "Pichacorta." Then, I fired, and the crowd roared its approval/rape threats.

Well, I won.

Thunder...

Don't...

You...

EVER...

Do that...

Again. At all. Ever.

No promises. Now can you all leave, please? I have things I need to think about.

Alright. We'll leave you alone for a while.

.

.

.

.

Are they gone?

Aye, they are.

Thank Faust. I owe you, Thunder. This is an escape I've been planning since...forever. If there's ever anything you need, just lemme know.

No problem, Bluey.

You need me, I'll be in San Hoofaco! See ya!

See ya, mate. Have fun with the mares.

Blueblood has left the chat (Disconnect by user).

Well, I'm back.

Oh...hi.

What's wrong?

Um...I need...to ask you something.

Sure, what is it?

Well, it's just...I...thought we should break up.

W-What? Why?

Ah...well, you see, the thing is, I just feel that this has turned into a kind of 'friends with incredible benefits' thing. There isn't the flame and passion we had at the start. It's not personal, I just don't think this is how we're meant to be.

Y-Yeah...I see what you mean...but does this mean we're just friends now?

Well, yeah. I guess so. If we end this, I don't think we'd ever get back together. We'd be friend-zoned forever: We're both immortal.

When did you become immortal?

Dok? Dok is from where I am, and didn't age at all. None of my friends look any older than they did when this started. In fact, I died, and came back a short time later. I think we're invincible, and have to see Everypony else wither and die. This isn't heaven...it's turned into a punishment.

You're right about one thing. We'll never be able to spark the flame again. It'll be done forever. Do you think either of us can live with that?

I'm...not sure. It's why I was asking you: We're no longer the loving couple we once were, and probably can't be again. There's nearly no chance we'd get back together again.

Unless...we started from square one?

What do you mean?

We started out just fine. It took one date. Then, when we started having vigorous sexual intercourse, it collapsed. What if we cut down on the sex between us to a kind of 'once a week/4-5 times a month' thing? Stop inviting mares into it?

Mares seem to like me a lot. I don't know why. They have the choice of any stallion. They could choose any of my friends. Why me? It messed with our relationship. First you didn't want me trying it on with Six Shot, then you didn't care that I slept with Rarity, Octavia, Spitfire, Colgate, and Fleur.

Wait, when did you sleep with Fleu-?

Unimportant. What matters is that we failed our relationship. I don't think there's any chance of a restart.

...

...

So this is it. We're both played out.

...yes. I think...we're through.

I guess so.

Nice being with you...Lulu.

Oh god, I remember the first time you called me that...! I'm crying!

Oh god, so am I.

I'm crying with joy: This story'll get me promoted!

WHAT?! WHO ARE YOU?!

Pen Stroke, editor of Equestria Daily! And you two are the next big story!

Pen Stroke has left the chat (Disconnect by user).

Thunder, I'll pay you 500,000 to kill him. RIGHT NOW.

Don't bother paying: I'm burning their offices myself.

Author's Note

* Says he who wears a Trophy Belt, Tooth-Kickers, Jacket, is a dark shade of blue mixed with yellow, and shouts a lot.

Thunder vs Tabloids

I trotted into my new room feeling both angry at Equestria Daily for breaking into my mind and stealing information, and upset that I'd had to leave Luna. By the time I was going to burn down their offices, they'd all gone home, so it'd be pointless. I'd have to wait until the next day. Unfortunately, that also meant I would be sleeping alone in one of the castle's spare rooms. It was a nice room, no doubt; courtesy of Luna, who'd promised no matter how we were in our relationships as friends, she'd always allow me a spare room. It was nice of her, but I was starting to regret ending it.

Sighing, I placed my beloved Trophy Belt on the hat rack, placed down my jacket and folded it, and slipped off my boots before placing them next to the bed. Then, I jumped into bed but didn't bother putting the covers on, and stared out the window. It was very dark; very few lights were on in the streets below. However, in the distance, a set of floating lights coming from an airship let me know that Blueblood was fine. He still owed me one: how could he possibly pay me back for helping him fake his death and escape from the boredom of monarchy? However, just as I rolled over to get to sleep, something crumpled beneath my weight. I paused and looked down at this small note. It read;

Thunder

Well, I owe you one. So, it was of good timing that you left Luna (my apologies for that), for mares have really started taking an interest in you. So, effectively, the 'death battle' that was so watched has spread to the 'FeMare' magazines and what-not. But listen, I'm genuinely sorry if the attention of a million or more mares doesn't appeal to you, but this is the best I can do at the moment. Plus, I don't even believe this constitutes a favour, so I've still not paid you back for getting me out of the stuffy noble monarchy.

Anyway: exciting news! I'm going to go live in Chinallion for a few years, and I intend to learn the skills you learned. The fact I have a spirit on board will make it that much easier. Anyway, so, I'm also planning to go to...

I carried on reading this letter for a while, before folding it up, storing it in my jacket, and deciding it'd be best for me to get some sleep.

And for the first time in a long, long time, I felt as though something had been lifted.

The next morning, I awoke at the usual 4:00AM, and went to go get a shower. It was strange, not sharing it with everypony's favourite moon goddess, but it just meant I had more room to move around and get washed better. Then, I set my mane into its usual style, and then trotted out to go get breakfast. The moment I entered the hallway, it was...unusually silent. I looked both ways. To my left, there was one night guard trotting down the corridor and whistling casually. To the right, a maid was dusting a small statue and humming. Remembering what Blueblood said the night before, I decided to go left. Unless, of course, the magazine hadn't been put onto shelves at that point, in which case I could easily trot past her and she wouldn't care.

I decided to test this idea:, I turned the other way, and trotted past the maid. She gave a respectful nod and a smile, before resuming her duties. When I got round the corner, I breathed a sigh of relief.

"Good." I said. "Now for some toast."

As I went down to the train station, I noticed something was strange. All the 'well done, you did well' guys came up and shook my hoof, but there was DEFINITELY something off about how the opposite sex looked at me. I was receiving almost sultry looks, and the occasional daring mare came up to ask if I'd sit with them and their friends, go to a party they were having, or, my personal favourite, take a romantic walk in moonlit Canterlot's gardens.

I found that last one so subtle.

Anyway, on the way, I went past a newsagents, and did a small halt and step back to check the magazines on sale. Ideally, I'd see Equestria Daily...yes. There it was. I flipped the stallion behind the counter a bunch of bits, which probably accumulated to about forty now I think about it, before I folded it and slipped the magazine into my jacket pocket. Whistling as I exited the shop, I continued to the train station. However, as I went past the Equestria Daily offices, something hit me.

'Wait, I didn't make that shit explode, did I?' I thought, looking down the points on the modern looking building to see where I could destroy it best. I felt my inner Trevor awaken as I thought of all the horrible ways I could dispose of these offices, journalists and all. But, the idea of keeping the presses around to see what happens seemed fun at the time, so I simply did that. Continuing my whistling, I made a mental note of the service ladder to the roof, before carrying on my trip to the train station.

I lay reclined in my cabin chair, hat on the hat stand in the corner, and coat folded next to me. In front of me was the magazine I'd been so excited to read, and the window portrayed the city where it was written. As the train descended to Ponyville, I flipped the pages to where I was looking at an image of myself clashing a headtaker against Kukris.

Thunder Mustang SINGLE!

The splash was written in humongous fucking letters. It was impossible to miss.

OMG! Today, our contacts inside Canterlot Palace can confirm that PRINCESS LUNA and THUNDER MUSTANG have ended their undoubtedly bumpy love affair!

A quick little listen through the castle walls captured the whole argument, with Thunder calling the Princess 'an overpompous b****' that 'would be better off on the moon', to which the Princess responded with the witty line 'I'll cut you, b****.' The whole 10 minute symphony of anger terminated the 7 month relationship that had seen Thunder leaving for a week and being unheard of, and Princess Luna even going so far as to drug him.

"Pfft." I snorted, before ripping the page out, pulling out a quill, and writing 'Bullshit. - Thunder Mustang' in the middle of the page and underlining it repeatedly, then leaving it on the table. Finally, I looked out the window, and up at Canterlot. Sighing sadly at the fact that the magazine was right about me no longer being with Luna, I knew the only thing that could cheer me up. I sat up, reached into my coat pocket, and removed the small detonator, before pressing the button. In the distance, I heard a deep boom, and a large puff of fire and smoke rising up from the middle of Canterlot. Satisfied there would be no more OmG from EqD, I smiled, and began to sort through the omnipresent backpack Dok had given me.

Author's Note

Just a side note for those just reading this chapter right now, I reccomend you read from Chapter one, to see the evolution of a moderately good OC into a bad OC.
All 100 or so chapters? You twat.
Yeah. Sorry.

My First West-End Graded Musical Number

Stepping off the train feeling slightly more cheerful, especially since I'd remembered the lyrics to the original Italian Job* theme song, I decided the first thing I'd do would be wander about town again, since I had money from the castle job. It added up to around 250,000 bits, so I was pretty fucking minted. I could even store ALL of it in my infinite chasms of pockets! Glorious! I smiled as I trotted off the platform and headed down the main street. It was mid-day, so the street was bustling with ponies I'd come to recognise over the course of about a year. I could already smell a musical number.

It was a smell that came quite often in Equestria. Music and Dance were energies that nopony could predict, and struck Everypony in a large area to suddenly know the exact lyrics, song-sheets, tunes, and choreography to ANY song the 'lead' pony sang. Thankfully, I was never in the affected area, except I was at one point the subject to one of Pinkie's ear-molestingly cheerful songs about how I was a 'grumpy lump' and I should give somepony a 'hoof bump'. I was planning to hoof bump her with great force in her stupid grinning face.

OK, she gave me a hug and I cowered, but that's beside the point. I had this absolutely AWFUL feeling that with this many ponies, and me being HAPPY, that I'd end up having to do a shit-ton of singing. But if I did end up singing on my first day back on the town, it'd be a hilariously overblown sing-song of Getta Bloomin' Move On. Just because I'm English like that. The moment I trotted past the musicians over by the central fountain, I heard the first 'ding' of the song, and a few ponies nearby gave me a look as though to say 'welcome back, have a musical number'. Then, one of them started playing the piano, and I think Everypony else I asked about it said they blacked out at the guitar. Though I can remember going 'ba-badap-baba-baba-bupbup' for a while.

And before you begin questioning my taste in music, I found myself suddenly wanting a fedora after listening to Hey Pachuco.

I don't question it at all. I just don't like dance parties, festivals, or going dancing in public.

Well, you defied all physics and expectations by somehow finding the energy to dance to Where Them Girls At...

Hmmph.

Is this a lover's quarrel? Can I fix it? Please? I'm bored.

Cadence, don't you EVER read public magazines, newspapers, or gossip magazines? Thunder and I split up.

Aww, was there an argument?

We...agreed our relationship wasn't 'loving' enough. We were pretty much friends with benefits.

Are you still friends with benefits? That's...kind of a relationship...if, aha, the 'mistress' and 'slave' thing counts...

Go home, Cadence, you're drunk.

Thunder, that musical number was AWESOME!

I know, right?

This is the self-preservatiooooon society! Go wash your German bands, your boat race too! Cop your Barnet fair, we gotta lot to do! Put on your dickie-dirt and your Peckham Ryyyyyye, 'cos time's soonhurryin' byyyyyyYYYYYY!

Oh good lord, what have I walked in on?

A triad of singing!

Gah, Thunder...

...no bib around yer Gregory Peck today, EH? Slide your plates of meat-

RIGHT ALONG THE SEAT!

This is the self preservation society!

Ach, dummkopfs..

Anyway, Thunder, you know Ebony?

Yes, of course.

Well, he wants to see you and the guys again, since he came so far and wanted to see where you were at.

Well, tell that wonderful bastard I'm good for it.

Colgate has changed the conversation picture.

Sweet Jesus...

Mein Führer...

Wait, Dok says what now?

What? The only males in this call don't enjoy being surrounded by mares?

Well, Dok doesn't speak to mares that much. He barely goes out in public, or outside in general.

And Thunder is generally a victim of a system where mares seduce his tiny frazzled mind into doing horrible things for no reason. For instance, if I do this...

Lulu has changed the conversation picture.

And nobody cares that Dok just said 'mein führe-' OH CHRIST, STOP IT.

Quick, somebody tell him to do something.

Thunder, you'll come round my house tonight, Colgate can come too. Then, you're going to be tied down, and we shall use you as we please.

-WARNING: SANITY CORE DEPLETING. EVACUATE IMMEDIATELY.-

It's...probably nothing. Thunder, later this month, I'll say 'massage'. And the moment I say that, you'll agree to anything I sa-

-WARNING: SANITY CORE CRITICAL. EVACUATE. REPEAT. SANITY CORE CRITICAL. EVACUATE. REPEAT. SANITY CO-

schztttt~

...let's get out. Now.

'fraid not, Shielas.

-BLAST DOORS SEALING.-

Thunder?

Ahhh, welcome to the party, Thundah!

Nah, 's just Marine Eyelander speakin'. Yer all stayin' here.

Thunder, what's happening?

What's happenin'? You didn't expect that I 'ad a limit? A tippin' point?

Thunder, you're scaring me. Stop, please.

Oh, you think I give a damn about 'ow you're bloody fee-

CRRCK

Ermm...what the hell just happened?

Thunder, I think something just snapped inside you. You've locked us in your mind.

-BLAST DOORS UNLOCKED-

There, sorted. Christian, Gentle, do you have anything to do with this?

I'm afraid not. Christian?

Nah. Though I'm thinkin' we mighta picked up another spirit in that graveyard. How he's kept so bloody silent is beyond me.

So...that wasn't Thunder?

I apologise, Miss Octavia, for such an inconvenient truth. Thunder is contaminated severely; if neither Christian nor myself can figure out which uninvited hitchhiker we have with us, the consequences may be disastrous.

Yeah. I 'ave a couple ideas, but none might make sense...

Hmm...allow us some time to think about this, and we shall return to you fine damsels with our conclusions.

OK, good. Thank you.

And why are you all going through all this trouble to help me?

Well, it's kind of...fun. We get to sort out your broken head, I get to look after you in a nurse costume, and you get seduced. I enjoy these things.

Just...enough. OK? Enough with the seduction, rape, taking advantage of my weakness to mares, all of it. Just stop. For a while. OK? I've broken up with Lulu, and you don't seem to care.

I care.

Thank you, Cadence. As usual, your input is appreciated.

<3

So...you don't like being seduced?

Not nearly as much as I used to. I find no enjoyment in it any more, just...nothing, I guess.

Herr Thunder, would you mind telling me when these problems started?

Well, I'm lying on a couch back in my house, so why not? Anyway, it all started when...

Dok, I owe you some Mann Co. Workshop items. I feel a lot better.

How did you get those?

I asked Pinkie. I had to pay her in hugs.

Hmm. I suppose that's...bad. But anyway, it was meine pleasure. I enjoy seeing what makes ponies tick.

Their Coronary Arteries.

I like those too.

Author's Note

* Go watch that shit right now. RIGHT FUCKING NOW, YOU UN-PATRIOTIC ENGLISHMAN.

Thus begins my reign of internet terror.

I was woken up by loud, multiple, simultaneous ~~deep strikes~~ cheers of 'FUCK YEAAAAAAAH'. The sheer force if the cheer caused me to fall out of bed at 7:00AM. IT was the first lie-in I'd had for a while, and I was thankful, but my snooze started at 5:00AM. Quite angrily, I left my wings on the bedside table, and stormed downstairs into the kitchen.

"Fuck you all." I said miserably, trotting to the toaster and putting some in. Then, I turned to the other guys. Innocently, they were whistling and making gestures to the newspaper sat in front of me.

ONLINE COMMUNICATION, COMPUTERS, AND TRANSPORT, OH MY!

Then I fainted.

Immediately, my friends and I paid for tickets up to Canterlot, eagerly wanting to congratulate all of the scientists involved for the fact they literally made computers. And since most of the technology available in Equestria comes from the humans that are there, no doubt would it be one of our computers, Bush Whacker's Camper-van (or my jeep), and probably an internet server.

Probably more.

I didn't pay much attention to any of the whole 'hey look it's Thunder Mustang' mares and stallions as we went to the castle, so I felt quite a bit like George Clooney, only clearly 10X more sexual and cool*. Ignoring everything else, minus the burnt out EqD building which I admired for a few minutes, all 5 of us entered the castle. On the way to the lab, a familiar grey unicorn came into view. He was wearing a suit, but I'd recognise Ebony anywhere. However, there were more pressing matters at hoof, like the fact advanced Earth-grade computers now existed and we could probably wangle ourselves some at a later point. We gave each other nods, but he fell in beside us as we all trotted in a line down the halls to the labs. For once in a long time, I felt like we were all together again. In fact, with 5 of us having the option to work as mercenaries due to our 'un-killable' status and the Freaks inside us, plus one of us having high-political powers, it'd be highly likely we could work as a 'Band of Bros', with Ebony picking out targets and the rest of us finding and brutalising them.

It only took a few minutes until we entered the labs, with stallions and mares watching us when we stopped in the middle of the room. "Who is responsible for the re-invention of computers?" Fire called out. After a moment, a stallion raised a hoof. He was normal, as it were; blue, brown mane, and glasses. For a cutie mark he had a...dollar sign?

Dollars?

In Equestria?

Human.

"Yes, Mr Gates?" asked another scientist. 'Knew it.' My friends and I murmured in approval.

"Wait, Gates?" Ebony asked. "As in, Bill Gates?" The stallion looked shocked.

"Y-Yes?" he replied feebly.

"Head of Microsoft?" I asked. "Why're you here?" He paused, all eyes on him in surprise. "So this is where you went missing to." I chuckled. The scientists around the room began continuing their work, so we moved towards Bill. He was there at his desk, disassembling a PC. Next to his desk was Sputnik with the panels removed, no doubt because he needed parts. I don't like Communism anyway, so I was fine with it.

"Yes, I did come here." he nodded. "I've spent this time rebuilding an internet server, so I guess a few reproductions and programming sessions later, Equestria should have internet capability. And yes, I've started gathering the parts to build and program a human-level computer, so I guess this is another 'get rich' moment for me." Inferno laughed.

"Implying that you weren't retardedly rich back home anyway." he snorted. "Anyway, you're like the second real human we've encountered here. First was Thunder's brother, then you. So do you want a drink or something?"

"I'm mostly interested in what you mean by 'real human'." he replied, pulling out a motherboard. "What, there's TV characters here?"

"Well, we've met Doktor Schadenfreude, who turns out to be TF2's BLU Medic, Bush Whacker, and he's the Sniper, Rock Roller, and he's basically the Heavy, and..." Solar paused, looking to me. "What did Soldier call himself?" I shrugged. "Anyway, Thunder also mentioned 'Psycho Badflank' a few months ago, so if you think about it, that's 'Badass Psycho', as in the Borderlands variety. Hmm..."

"Rooftop?" I said.

"Ah yeah, Rooftop, he's Altair, from what I can gather from his accent and behaviour. But, ah, yeah. Those kind of ponies. The ones that weren't real people before." Bill thought.

"Have you ever thought that the woman from Mirror's Edge might be here?" he asked. We all stopped to think.

"Christ." Ebony whistled. "Good point."

"Maybe she has links to my clan?" I suggested. "I can track her down, if you wanted me to. Anyway, well done Bill, you've made Equestria more exciting. How much will these things cost?"

"With the high-end graphics, headset and microphone, plus 1080p widescreen monitor and custom built mouse for a hoof?" he smirked. "Not much. These're going to be shipped to Everypony in Equestria." I facehoofed.

"Oh god, does that mean-?" I began.

"Yes, screaming children on Steam."

"Brilliant." I sighed. Then my ears pricked up. "You just said Steam."

"Well, yeah...?"

"If Steam is here, could it connect to Earth's Steam service?" I asked hopefully.

"I suppose it could."

"So I could access my old Steam account?"

"If it's possible to reach Earth's Steam, yes."

"And if Everypony in Equestria can access it...?"

"God, you're full of questions."

"Yes." Inferno chuckled. "But would we be able to contact our Earth friends?"

"If it allows cross-dimensional Steaming, you should be able to."

"Yes." I smiled. "Cheers, Bill. See you around, I suppose?"

"I suppose."

We all went for a drink later, and it was pretty nice. Warm evening, so at least Winter was ending. But then this also meant Estrus was starting, and it's where thousands of Stallions were forced into fatherhood by mares they didn't even know. A few mares were acting strangely, but nothing of worry to us; we'd be out of the city in a half hour. Across the street, ponies were dropping their tasks to read about the new age.

Equestria was becoming Earth.

Author's Note

* Trust me, I'm a 'brilliant', 'well-made' OC.

FREEDOM FER SCOOTLAND!

I was pleased that computers were now available. All 5 of my friends were excited for them to be ready, since Ebony would now be able to work from Ponyville. As usual, Pinkie had a party planned, but none of us were sure about actually going: the air around town had begun to smell strongly of mares. Like, really strong. Inferno had his wings stretched out for the whole time we'd gone out to get some food. Despite not being effected by many things related to pony anatomy and hormones, due to our transformation over a year before from humans to ponies, Estrus, we found out, had a VERY strong effect on us. I was mostly surprised by the fact that stallions still roamed the streets as though nothing was happening. I was horribly confused: how could you POSSIBLY not care that mares were getting desperate?! Even fucking Big Macintosh had realised the problem, and he was one of the first to approach us. The stallion was keeping an eye out for something, most likely suprise buttsecks, but still approached us looking sincere.

"Fellas," he began. It was the first time we'd heard him speak for ages. "Gustav's Bar, 3rd stall from the fire exit, 11 o' clock. Tha's all." Then, with no further words, he turned and trotted off, looking skyward to where Thunderlane was normally perched. My friends and I looked at each other.

"The hell was that about?" Inferno asked, still trying to force his wings down.

"Beats the shit outta me." Ebony snorted. "I'm assuming it's 'stallions only', probably to do with Estrus."

"Hmm, I guess it could be." I replied, following Sky. "Good thing the Hunting store just received its newest shipment of enchanted tranquilizer darts." I received blank looks.

"And you know this, because...?" Fire trailed off.

"Faith." I replied matter-of-factly. "She's here. I did enlist her services. Never met her, she does her services quietly, but still delivers the news I need when I need it. Plus, I get a discount, because Clan Perks." Sky's ears pricked up.

"Hm. I smell a mare nearby." he murmured. We stopped.

"How close?" I asked. He sniffed the air again.

"Eh, over there. Wait, there's another." he whispered quickly. "And another! More! Holy Shit, they've surrounded us!" He crouched down, taking up defensive positioning. We stared at him for his colossal autism.

"Oh my god, Sky." Solar grunted, slapping him. "WE'RE IN AN OPEN SPACE. ARE YOU BLIND?" I had to agree the green Pegasus was being pretty stupid. We were in, by all measures, a field. An open, empty, completely foliage-free field.

"B-But they're here!" he replied. "You just can't see them!"

"Because they've evolved invisibility." Ebony finished, using a Morgan Freeman voice. We laughed, except Sky.

"No! They're using magic! I-I can smell them!" Sky continued his stammering for a few seconds, and we ignored him. Just as I began to trot away, there came muffled cries from behind. Instantly, I turned, and saw white rags being placed over the snouts of Sky, Fire, and Solar. Ebony and Inferno looked at me as the other three went limp and were dragged away by unknown forces, and we all knew what we were thinking.

"Run?" I asked.

"Run." Ebony nodded.

"I agree completely." Inferno added.

Then, we did what all best friends do, and left three of us to get raped whilst we legged it.

Eleven o' clock. Gustav's Bar, third cubicle from the fire exit.

Ebony, Inferno, and I leaned on the table with beers in hoof. The back door was open, allowing crickets to chirp quietly. However, all around the bar, stallions stared at us as though we were doing something. I rolled my eyes. "What the hell is this about?" I grunted. Doctor Whooves cleared his throat.

"Well, ha, right." he began. "Now, I'm aware that you are all wondering why you're here?" We all nodded. "Good! Right, now, it's fairly obvious to discern that you all have some problem with estrus, is this to be assumed?" We nodded again, quiet mutterings coming through all the stallions. "Good. Right. Here's why you're all here. For the past...forever, as far as I'm concerned, stallions are pretty much abused during estrus. We're the kinky sex dolls that have to do it by LAW, otherwise we're done for assault or cowardice and fined, then sent back out. I'm likely assuming you all think this is unfair." We all let out a grunt of approval, some of us raising out hooves to punctuate our agreement. "So that's why a few of us have gotten together and proposed something, something NO stallion in history has ever done successfully. All of us are going to escape the heat." There came a ripple of murmurings from all of us, but Ebony, Inferno and I remained quiet. We had no say in this, and didn't really care.

"Now, I'm aware all of you think we'll get in trouble for this, and that IS the idea!" Whooves continued, raising his voice a tad. "Think of this as, ah, a protest if you will. Against our unfair treatment! Tonight, you are gathered to volunteer to make history, volunteer against a cruel law, and volunteer for our FREEDOM!" Literally, at the mention of the word 'freedom', we exploded into cheers. Well, Everypony but us. I kept my head rested on my hoof, and thought.

Hmm...what if it isn't...us? The stallions in the house might disappear, but maybe, by chance, 3 strangers trot into town, and begin snooping the town. It may raise some female eyebrows, sure, but maybe not enough for them to go wild. A trilby, fur dye, mane dye, and a bit of magic and disguising could work wonders. Fedora Brow. No, Trilby Bow. Yeah, that sounds good. Hmm. Trilby Bow. Sounds...original. Huh. Maybe I'll think of this later. Right now, let's get ready to escape.

Author's Note

Well, here you go.
I mean, I WAS intending to give out free Distinctive Lack of Hue paint to all readers if I received 100 friend requests on Steam by now, but noooo, this is all you get.
Cruel, I know?
Plus, the Mane-iac is adorable.

Sneaking from the Shnoo-Shnoo. With a few hundred others.

Over the previous few days, Estrus had slowly been getting more intense for mares. I heard that stallions were getting pulled away from daily business by groups of mares. So far for me, it had only been a few daring pegasi chasing after me and Thunderlane, but not being able to catch us, but that was still getting tiring. And for the 19th time that week, Thunderlane and I flew through my front door and locked it behind us. Panting, I turned to the other guys that had barricaded themselves in with us. There was about eleven or ten of us, including Bush Whacker and Handsome Rogue, who'd come down for a visit. Of course, now it was less of a visit, more of...a...seasonal getaway. News of Rogue's charming demeanour and Bush's genuine awesome had spread around the town, but none of the mares knew where they were. So most of them were settling for other stallions and us, if they could catch us. "Fellas, you know what to do." I panted as I dropped the shopping on the floor. Mostly food.

"Well, gents," Whooves sighed, trotting over to a window. "You know what to do. Lock the windows and back door, light the fire, and get to shelving the food." Every stallion in the house went their separate ways, slamming windows shut upstairs and other places. Muttering, I went over to the table and looked at the paper. Except there was no paper. Frowning, I looked on the table, only to find a letter addressed to me. "Who dropped this off?" I asked.

"All the stallions in Equestria got an E-Mail, letter, and text about it." Rogue sighed. "It's pretty much just propaganda for this season. No idea why I received them; I have no full Equestrian citizenship, since I am, according to Doktor, half Changeling." I blinked.

"~~u fuking wot m8~~ Seriously?" I asked as I opened the letter. "I mean, I know you're not exactly from Equestria, and neither am I, but why are you half Changeling?" Rogue thought for a moment, tapping a hoof to his chin as he leaned against the fridge.

"Perhaps it has something to do with my...ah, how-to-say, 'talent' of disguising and espionage." he suggested. By then I had opened the letter, and discovered Rogue was correct.

STALLIONS! REMEMBER YOUR DUTIES!

"Yeah, you're right." I sighed. "About the 'propaganda' thing. It's correct. All it's doing is telling me to get raped and do nothing about it."

"I'm aware." Rogue groaned. Just then, Bush trotted in, clutching the letter.

"Oi, fellas, you seen this?" he asked angrily, slamming down the newspaper I was looking for. Rogue, intrigued, trotted over to Bush's side, and I went over too. A few of us came over to the red earth pony, crowding round. "This ain't any newspaper I ever bloody saw! Look!" I was shocked, and so was everybody else.

The front page of the newspaper was covered in a list of areas, and a map of Equestria. Each list had a page number, and on every page there was a map of every town in Equestria, clearly labelling houses in which the Equestrian census did not identify a stallion that was married or in a relationship. "This is a hit-list!" Rogue cried, about as angry as all of us. "Sniper, when did you get this paper? As in, how long had it been out?" Bush thought for a moment.

"When I got it, it was an old shipment, from 6 o' clock this mornin'." He looked at his watch. "It's 6 o'clock in the evenin' now, and only a few mares have come knockin'. Somethin's up." I nodded.

"They must be checking all your houses." I said. "This must be the last house they'd check, since there's a bunch of my regular housemates that're in relationships. If this thing is detailing every single house, then that must mean-" Suddenly, there was frantic knocking on the door, and male voices panicking and crying for help. I quickly went to the window, looking outside. It was dark out, but the front lawn was now full of just about every single stallion in Ponyville. A large crowd was spilled onto the road in front, and the street was eerily empty. Frowning, I went to the door, unlocked all of the recently installed 18 latches, and peeked out.

"What the hell're you all doing?" I shouted over the loud talking.

"Thunder, let us in!" said one stallion near the front in a panic. "They're searching homes for us, and rounding us up in the middle of town! It's like an old war movie!"

"Not even MARRIED stallions are safe!" another shouted from behind. I recognised him as Mr Cake. "I already have two kids, I don't want more!" The crowd shouted in agreement. I considered.

"Well, I guess you can come in." I said cautiously, before my whole house was flooded with about 200-300 stallions. They galloped upstairs, filled rooms, and took seats, trying to save themselves. They sat quietly around, doing nothing but whispering. "Why do I still live here...?" I muttered, closing the door. Just as I was about to close it, I noticed something down the street.

Every street light was going out, leaving the street in darkness.

"Any of you gents work for the power company?" I called out. A murmuring arose, with all of them saying no.

"That, ah, that job's reserved for mares." Cherry Fizzy said, raising a hoof. I'd come to start talking to him quite a bit more. Kind of like the bully from the Shawshank Redemption; Not as violent as he was, but wouldn't attack me at all. "'s a bit sexist, if ya ask me." I nodded.

"Well, all the street lights are turning off." I said. More mixed murmurs. "I think other houses are losing power, I'll have to take a look." Then, I cast a glance outside. Down the other side of the street, houses were losing power, lights going out in windows. I could see torches flicking on inside. However, the gun store remained lit up for a few moments, and I could see Black Powder in the doorway, looking over to me. He shrugged. The grey, aging stallion was approxiamtely my age, but like I say, 'approximately'. He never mentioned his age, but he seemed old and young at the same time, if that makes sense.

Probably not.

Anyway, I squinted over to lip-read what he was mouthing over to me.

Here's what I saw.

"The bears are raping in Jew houses. Turd of your tights! Cow!

Obviously, that made no sense, so I thought a bit more.

"The mares are breaking into houses. Turn off your lights! Now!"

So, yeah, I did that. "Gents!" I called. "Turn out every light in this house, as fast as possible, and prepare to follow me as quietly as possible!" The murmuring ceased, and lights began to go out. I moved to go and get Inferno and Ebony, who were the only two human friends I knew the locations of, and the only two that were in too important of a relationship to be raped. I found them in the kitchen. "Alright, here's the plan." I began. "My idea is that we can move the stallions about 5 or so at a time to the train station. Whenever I look over there, there's always a freight train sat on the other side of the rails, and it looks like it goes out of town towards Griffonia, and more specifically, Crowme. If we can get there, I'm fairly certain we can put all of these guys in the care of the male members of the clan."

"Uh, I dunno, Thunder." Inferno whistled through his teeth, scratching the back of his head sceptically. "You sure there's no mares there? Highly trained, professional assassin mares that stop at nothing, for that matter?"

"Certain." I replied. "I got the newsletter the other day from the clan that mentioned all mares in the group were not allowed in the main facility until Estrus was confirmed over. Of course, they don't know about this whole protest we've got going on, so that probably makes it fine. Sound good?"

Ebony nodded, and reluctantly, so did Inferno.

"Well, let's get moving."

Get them to the train's carriages, I'll stay and lock up." I whispered to Inferno as I pushed the last stallion out. "I don't make it, that's a shame. I'll just pretend I'm the only one in. Get going." The small stallion gave a mock salute, and galloped along with the last five stallions. When they were out of sight, I closed the back door and went into the empty house to make sure I had everything.

Boots, coat, hat, wings, sentience, gaming laptop, portable Wi-Fi, Gentle's Ambassador and a satchel to carry it all. Check. I placed it all by the door, and prepared to put my boots on in the dark, when...

Knock knock knock.

Shit.

I panicked.

"Helloooooo?" a mare I didn't recognise called from the other side of the door. "I know somepony's theeeeere! Open up, or we're coming iiiiiin!" I did the first thing that came to mind.

I grabbed my shit, and ran to the back door, holding everything inbetween my wings as I ran. Grabbing the keys on the way out, I turned once.

"No, fuck you!" I called, before slamming the back door and locking it. Then, I ran after Inferno to the train station.

Alright, LEZ GO!

I galloped towards the train station at full speed, with about 100 mares running after me. It was evident that all of them wanted a stallion for themselves, since I heard a LOT of arguing and violent shoving occurring behind me, all the while as I was pursued. It was a struggle to keep my hat on my head, let alone escape. But a hat is a hat, and I wasn't losing this beloved thing just yet. I looked over to the train station. Just on the other side of the main platform was a smaller 'island' platform, and just after that was a small gravelly area that was full of shipping containers, and somewhere on any of those multiple junctions and rail tracks and signal box things, was my train. I knew the one, the number 769 Diesel Freightliner Express.

They genuinely couldn't have fit any more exciting words into that if they tried. Unless they added in 'Tactical Nuclear Trainhead Infantry Disposal Crusher Holocaust Unit of Grinding', which would make it fucking awesome, but that's besides the point.

I leapt over some tables, slid under a market stand, and made a wing-propelled leap down an alleyway, all of which bought me a few seconds of leading. However, that wouldn't be forever, so another wing propelled burst threw me forward about twenty metres, and put me right in front of the station. I cantered up the stairs to the platform, leapt the turnstiles, and landed on the platform. To keep momentum, I made a normal leap over the tracks, landing perfectly on the centre island, and then jumped off and began to gallop towards the cargo containers. The mares behind seemed confused as to the fact that I, the stallion they assumed was like any other except he doesn't think with his balls, was able to so easily perform such fucking Mirror's Edge shit on a train platform and evade them. However it wouldn't save me from pegasi, as the lust-crazed females could quite easily fly after me and probably outrun me, or unicorns, who were able to simply teleport inside or levitate themselves over. Earth ponies would take a few moments longer as they carefully crossed the train tracks. Thinking as quickly as I possibly could, I darted around the corner of one container and hid underneath a nearby pallet. Overhead, I could see pegasi mares beginning to argue, but couldn't hear them from my distance. Suddenly, a unicorn mare I recognised as Lyra came around the corner, followed by a turquoise mare that looked like Colgate but evidently wasn't, judging by her cutie mark of a mint leaf and a diamond.

Diamond Mint?

Maybe.

Don't care, it wasn't her face I was staring at, heheh.

Anyway, they began to look around the area, giving glares to each other. Lyra went the other way, which I intended to go, and Diamond began to approach. She seemed hell-bent, like every other mare, on finding me and sending me to the town centre. Then, as though it were scripted, a piece of aging wood blew a feather onto my nose. It didn't tickle, it went up my nostril, causing me to grunt and snort it away loudly. Diamond obviously heard this, as she immediately looked toward me with a seductive yet obviously malicious grin. She'd obviously seen me. "Hey there, little guy..." she said as sweetly as possible. "Are you lost? Come out so I can see you, Thunder, so I can take you to see your friends. You know, Fire Trail, Solar Blast, Sky Wheel, ~~Lagoloaf, Gimpy, Dumpy, Snoopy, um...~~ Doctor Whooves, Big Macintosh, Inferno Cloud..."

"Shut up, they're safe." I shot back. She glared.

"Now, now, we both know this is the law." she smirked. "What good is resisting if it's the rules to let it happen?" I thought for a moment.

"The fuck does that mean?" I asked. "Whatever. My friends are safe."

"Oh no they're not." she lied, still approaching. "We captured them as you ran from us. Come out and I can show you, and I won't even throw you in the town centre with them. Is it a deal?"

"Seems one-sided, and plus I don't trust you." I replied sharply. She was now directly in front, looking down at me with a glare. I was crouched underneath a pallet, and she was now quite a bit taller than I was. Suddenly, she smiled, and turned away.

"Well, I guess if you don't trust me, I'll leave you be..." Her flanks were not even an inch from my face as she slowly moved away, and the smell of estrus was slowly taking a hold of my mind. I quickly deactivated my wings, and started breathing through my mouth, but it did nothing: I still found the smell hopelessly enticing. Just before she had managed to coax me out, something white, black, and red leapt down suddenly, knocking her to the gravel. It put control back into my brain, causing me to get out from the pallet and draw Gentle's Ambassador, pointing it at the new arrival.

It was a white mare with a dark mane, wearing a red fingerless glove on one hoof and a black vest. She also had a familiar tattoo on her right eye; two triangles pointing from her lower mix downwards. I also noted the red trainers* on her back hooves. I immediately knew who it was. "Faith?" I sputtered.

"Atheist." she replied with a faint Asian accent. She extended a hoof, pulling me to mine. "My name is certainly Faith." She looked at me for a moment. "Hey, are you the stallion that was interested in those shipment dates of those darts?" I nodded. "Well, I suppose they would be useful now. I hear you're escaping the Estrus?"

"H-How did you know that?" I asked as we began to sneak towards the other way. Diamond Mint fucking died or some shit. Dunno. She got a face-full of gravel, though. "And shouldn't you be tying me up and taking me to the centre of town?"

"No, Estrus has not done anything to me." she replied. "It seemed to affect you, though. You were sniffing her up like a dog."

"Lost control of my brain." I replied. "But why does it matter to you if there's three-hundred males breaking the law and going against the norm?"

"My parents were killed in the November Riots." she sighed, diving ever so calmly across a small gap and making no noise. "It happened back home, and I was very young at the time. Their deaths are why I got these tattoos. It was a mass-protest against Militarisation of the city, and they opened fire. We were all breaking the law. So, now I try to get involved in any mass-law-breaking to make sure nothing like that happens again."

"Depressing." I whistled. "Are you coming with us? We're just gonna go wherever the train tracks go, and that'll probably take us up to Canterlot, then Crowme, and probably a bit further on we'll end up in Tigeria, so I guess it's a long-haul journey. As long as we can confirm you're not in Estrus and going to force any of us to the floor with your mad 'jump from a cargo container and knock to the floor' tactic."

She shrugged.

"I'll try my best." she chuckled. "This your train?" Faith gestured with a hoof to the train in front of us. It was certainly the one: Number 769 Diesel Freightliner Express.

"Certainly is." I replied with a smile. "You really saved my ass back there. I need to repay you in some way."

"Bow chicka bow-wow." Inferno called out. I turned sharply, and so did Faith. "I saw the whole thing, and your new girlfriend seems fine. Just bring her aboard, we need to get going!" I nodded, grabbing Faith by the hoof and leaping aboard the cabin. Once inside, I realised that Inferno wouldn't be driving, and that this was actually a Clan Train. Sat behind the controls was a familiar stallion with a hard-hat and goggles, and beside him was a brown stallion with one eye and a beanie. They were the very same gents that crashed the train in the caverns. That time, they seemed less excitable, speaking in what might as well have been pre-set phrases. This time, they were actually speaking.

"So that there was a fine piece a' work," chuckled the hard-hatted stallion with his Texan accent. Then, he turned to me. "That all of us? We gonna move this thing, now?" I nodded.

"Get it moving, Engie." I laughed. Grinning, he grabbed the throttle, and shoved it violently forward, all the while shouting 'Yee-Haw!' His companion fell out of the chair, asleep. The train screeched into life, beginning its rapid acceleration down the track, and in the back, hundreds if stallions leaned out of the window as the train began to turn its usual route through Town Centre, waving to the mares and throwing jeers, and also grabbing almost half of the stallions and pulling them into the first carriage, and as other stallions followed the train and ran from crazed female captors, we were able to pull on pretty much every single one into our vehicle. That left mares with nothing.

And I knew that if these two stallions driving were Demo and Engineer, we were only missing Scout...and Pyro.

As the train ascended the mountain, I sat on one of the many beds fitted into the disguised 'freight' carriages we had since upgraded from the Wedding infiltration. The carriage had lights, and that allowed many of us to sit and do normal things. We had the diner car, which was as it was, a 50's diner, we had the main engine, which was host to my bedroom, Ebony's room, Inferno's room, and the other ringleaders, as well as Engie and Demo. I was, at that moment, sat playing cards with Faith on her bed. She sat crosslegged opposite me, which I found painful to try. We were playing one of the most pointless games in Equestrian society, Strip Poker, since we were both wearing clothes. I was winning so far, having to only remove my hat, and Faith only had her vest remaining. She seemed quiet, but was actually rather sociable if you got to know her. I was holding a winning hand, I knew it. I had one of each house, and it was pretty much a flush as well, and I also had an Ace of spades. That shit makes you instantly win, so I threw it down.

Faith groaned. "How can you be so good at cards?" she laughed as she took her top off. I leaned forward with a Mr. Bean face.

"Magic." I replied, snorting twice. Faith rolled her eyes.

"Very funny. So, what now? I'm pretty naked." she sighed. "It's cool being a pony, because being naked in front of loads of men is suddenly not weird."

"I still feel the urge to wear at least one piece of clothing at all times." I replied, looking over her now naked body. She was very toned and curvy, and I was taking as much effort as possible to not stare at her perfect hips. "B-But, ah, still, I don't know...kn-know...um...ahah..." She was tilting her head in confusion. Then, she understood, groaned, and looked at me again.

"You seem distracted." she chuckled. "Want me to get dressed again?" A massive part of me wanted to say 'no', but then the socially awkward bloke in the corner said 'yes' and spammed votes, and that won.

"Ah...yes please." I was blushing. "I'll say this in a non-creepy way, but you have an amazing body."

"You think I haven't noticed?" she asked. "Stallions everywhere I go start flirting with me, and it never works. They promise money, power, and fame, usually they'd mean it. But yeah, money would be nice, but this isn't a job I'd get rid of so easily. It has something none of them can offer: Excitement."

"That's a good point." I nodded, retrieving my hat. "I wouldn't get rid of this job, even in the endless time I have left to live here. It's exciting, and I go places. And yes, any human that comes here is immortal. It seems like a punishment for something."

"Well, more running for me." she laughed, slipping her glove on. She then pulled out an elbow pad and put that on too. "I think we're nearly in Canterlot, and it's 12:00 at night. Hopefully we can sneak in and get some stallions, then get out, since we need as many as possible for this whole protest. Any you can think of that'll be good for this cause?"

"Doktor Schadenfreude is a definite. A Medic. Who else...?" I thought for a moment. Thunderlane raised a hoof to interject from over the carriage.

"What about the guards?" he suggested. "I'm certain none of them like being on duty during Estrus, so we get them out and we've added another few hundred to the roster. We'll also need another train to help tow all the new carriages."

"Will there be another train like this in Canterlot?" Faith asked.

"Should be. Every train yard on Equis has one, apparently. Probably not all, but probably all major cities will have one." I turned to the other stallions. "GENTLEMEN!" I called. The whole carriage went quiet, and more stallions flooded it from other carriages. "We'll be stopping in Canterlot to pick up as many stallions as possible! We need about 40 of the strongest stallions to come with us, and collect members for the cause! The rest of you will need to stay behind and guard the carriage, and help get the other stallions up to speed on this plan! Are there any questions?" No hooves raised. "Good! Those wishing to volunteer, stay here! The rest of you, get to somewhere else so I don't confuse you with somebody who gives a damn! MOVE OUT!" They did as told, talking at normal volume as the carriage remained slightly full of the number of men I needed. Faith leaned over.

"You're very good at giving orders." she whispered.

"I did Army Cadets back on Earth, what can I say?" I laughed. "Loudest drill voice that side of London." Then, I set about picking stallions to help escort new members to the train.

Author's Note

* Or sneakers, if you're a friggin' AmeriYank or whatever other countries call them Sneakers.

Raiders of the Knicker Drawer

Ensuring that Faith was guiding the Guards to the train, I slipped down into the labs absolutely silently. I was looking for Dok's office in almost total darkness, and attempting not to trip on anything that would make a loud noise. If I did, the remaining female guards would come down, and I didn't exactly need about a hundred mares chasing me through a building, one containing a Sun and Moon goddess, no less. It took a while, but I finally reached Dok's office. The door was barricaded shut, planks on the other side nailed in. I remembered Dok mentioning that he had evaded the Estrus for over a thousand years, simply by taking cover or coming up with an excuse, so him boarding up his office meant he would likely be sleeping in there. I swallowed, looked around the darkened labs, and knocked on the door. The results were instantaneous. The lights inside flicked on, and I could hear the hissing of a Syringe Gun magazine being replaced. Then, the figure inside moved to the door, and I could see a hoof resting uneasily on the door handle, the other aiming the syringe gun at the crack.

"Who is it?~~" he sang. Dok failed at subtlety.

"Dok, it's Thunder." I replied, sighing at his antics. "I need to talk to you."

"Eh, talk to me through the door, whatever." he shot back. "You might be a mare pretending to be Thunder."

"Oh, Jesus Christ, Dok, it's me, for fuck's sakes!" I growled. "I've come to pick you up! Most of the stallions in Ponyville have organised to escape the Estrus aboard one of my clan's trains! We've got most, if not all, unmarried stallions from Canterlot and Ponyville, and I've come to get you!" Dok sighed, and lowered his head, placing a hoof on his forehead to think. I could see him shaking his head, before he muttered something in German. Then, he opened the door. He clearly had not slept for a while; his normally well-combed mane was unkempt, and he had tiredness under his eyes.

"Fine, enter." he muttered, pulling me inside and immediately shutting the door. The office was as it normally was, surprisingly. The only difference was that he'd moved the Speed-Repair device away from the bed for him to sleep on it. The warehouse door, however, seemed...off. Dok was acting like he had something to hide. Immediately, the German picked me up and dusted off my jacket and hat. "Apologies, Thunder, I haven't exactly been thinking straight since the start of Estrus. Or, you know, sleeping. But you're escaping this season?" I nodded.

"We're gathering stallions from as many cities as humanly fucking possible in protest against the fact that stallions are forced into unwanted fatherhood every year rather than giving their potential virginity to someone they love. So we're getting as many as possible. We have one mare following us around, and she's from where we're from, except in the future. She hasn't been affected by Estrus, so she's helping with this whole protest. I've been sent to pick you up. Pack up whatever you can carry and sit Archimedes on your shoulder, we're going on an adventure."

Dok and I remained absolutely silent as we went to the top floor of the castle. We had every intent to use the rooftop route to reach the trainyard; two miles, approximately, so we'd need to be quick. Dok was wearing his Surgeon's Stahlhelm, and Der Wintermantel to keep himself warm in the still chilly night, and he had Archimedes perched on his shoulder and cooing curiously at everything. However, as we passed Luna's room, I stopped. Dok stopped as well. "Thunder!" he hissed quietly. "Why are we stopping?!" I pointed to the doors ahead.

"I forgot something important." I replied quietly. "Plus we can probably sneak from the balcony whilst we're in there, so we can kill two Mecha-Ghandis with one stone." Before Dok could argue, I began to move over to the door. Reluctantly, my German companion followed, both of us stooped low to the floor. I looked at him, then back at the door. I was pretty much breaking into my Ex's bedroom. I had to hope I didn't wake her up, since she would likely get the wrong idea. As quietly as possible, I gently pushed the door open with a hoof. The first thing to hit me was the strong smell of Jasmine, and the ever adorable sound of Luna snoring. I smiled, and proceeded over to my Drobe of War. I turned to Dok.

"Balcony." I whispered, gesturing to the door that was wide open. He looked, nodded, and began to silently crawl his way over. Meanwhile, I was sliding the doors open as quietly as humanly possible, and was then able to gaze upon the contents. Directly in the middle of the wardrobe was a single, locked Strongbox. It was there mostly as a curiosity; Reddit was filling up with ponies saying they were finding them in their gardens, houses, and even beds, and nopony was sure what they were. Dok and I recognised the unnecessarily strengthened lock, identifying it as a Mann Co. Crate instantly, but no key we had would fit the lock. So we were just holding onto them to see what exploded. I was bringing mine with me to see what happened. But that wasn't what I was here for.

I grabbed the box, storing it inbetween my wings and locking it down, and then I moved over the room. Dok was partially to the door, since he'd been going slowly so as not to knock anything in the darkness (sneaky sneaky snort snort), but just as he reached the door, he paused, looking at me.

"Are you done?" he whispered, just audible at my end. I raised a hoof to say 'wait', and then went over to Luna's dressing table. I stood up, and began to rifle through her drawers. I turned to Dok whilst holding a pair of Luna's panties. I jokingly sniffed them*, and then chucked them to Dok. He was repulsed, before eyeing them carefully when he thought I wasn't looking at him in the mirror and giving them a careful sniff. He tilted his head slightly in the universal 'hmm, this isn't bad' gesture, and stored them in his side bag. I chuckled quietly, before I spotted where she'd hidden it.

There, lying in the very bottom of the drawer, was my first gun.

The first gun in Equestria was lying right underneath several sets of absolutely sexual panties.

I picked it up, and that was almost a signal for Archimedes to fly off Medic's shoulder and land on mine. I smiled as Dok facehoofed, tapping his non-existent watch, and beginning to get onto the balcony. I began to follow, halting only to grab my Sticky Jumper from my wardrobe on the way. As soon as I was on the balcony, I turned, shut the door, and barricaded it. Then, I began to place Sticky Bombs for the purpose of jumping. No regulations for me, oh no; I was putting down all fuckin' 8. This is when Dok decided to start healing me with a Quick-Fix and complaining.

"We're really jumping from here, Frau Thunder?" he sighed. "I'm used to flying, just not going across a whole city for the purpose of evading a mass-sexual frenzy. This may not be the best idea, also considering the fact you're carrying a forty-pound stronghox on your back..."

"Ahhh, shaddap." I laughed, before positioning myself in front of the stickies. "Try not to drop those panties I saw you steal." Before Dok could make his signature panicked cry, I set off the bombs and we went flying through the air, almost the whole way to the train station.

I sat in the Diner car with Bush, Rogue, Dok, Lethal, Ebony, and Faith as the train began its long journey across a few hundred miles of empty terrain. It was only just getting to sunrise, and we were all shattered, save Bush. Not a single one of us wasn't drinking a coffee. "We've still got Manehattan to go to, guys." Faith groaned. I could only just see her eyes as they kept dipping. "It's a day's journey if we take the longest route, and that should give us time to get ready to run and sneak in at night."

"Aye," I replied, rubbing my forehead. "I think I've been thinking clearer now that I've not been having sex every single night. Seriously. But I'm bloody shattered, so a day lets me catch up on sleep."

"Yeah, you blokes do that," Bush chuckled, sipping his coffee and looking out over the horizon at the orange sun. "I might do some internettin'. Fleur de Lis porn can't be clopped to itself, ya know?" Rogue rolled his eyes.

"Normally I'd be in my multi-million bit mansion, smoking high quality cigarettes and sleeping in front of a fireplace with the television on. Now, I'm on a multi-million bit train, absolutely shattered and getting ready to go get some sleep in front of a fireplace." Rogue muttered.

"Fireplace?" Lethal asked.

"Yes. They built one in the staff-car at the back. I'm sleeping in there, don't you know."

"I bet you are." I sighed. "Bush, try not to clop too loudly. Everypony else, we should get some sleep. We've got protestors to gather."

Author's Note

*It smells like Luna.
Who tastes like Rarity.
And yes, if you recall, I did it with both. Lucky me, the bad OC.

Our Knowledge has made us Cynical, our Cleverness hard and Unkind.

For about the next four days, we went from town to city and city to town finding as many stallions as possible for the cause. Every one or two stops, we commandeered another train, and it was pretty much always a clan train. Apparently these vehicles were simply duplicated from one 'host' train using magic. Must have been one hell of a Basmo Bip Brondo that Merasmus did to make this many fucking trains. Anyway, once we'd just gotten to a jungle, we realised something.

We'd been heading completely the wrong way.

So it was a few hours until our best unicorns were able to gather the energy to flip the entire bloody train (no big deal or anything, Jesus Christ), all 80 carriages and 5 engines, all the way around to face back the way we came. Thunderlane and I darted ahead to switch the signals to the way we needed them to go, and returned with surprising news. While Thunderlane went back to the regular carriages, I went to the first engine, the one I'd been spending a fair bit of time in. "Gents," I began, "Do any of you know a Mr. 'Viral Cough'?" I was responded to with shrugs and murmuring as Engineer and Demoman fiddled with the controls to get the vehicle moving.

"Hell if I know." Faith replied. "Why? You see someone out there?"

"Eh, kinda." I said as I sat down for a drink. "While we were going about, Thunderlane wanted to go ahead and flip the signal, and that it'd be best if we sat in a supply building for a while. It was completely abandoned, yeah, but as I was lookin' out over the horizon to see what there was, besides a flat expanse as it got progressively darker, I saw...this...ugh...um..."

"Stallion?" Inferno asked.

"He sounded like one. I could see Thunderlane fiddling with the switches to get them moving, but like not even a few feet away from him was this black stallion, black hair, and a metallic bird mask and one of those creepy Spanish Inquisition hats but in black. The eyes were glowing green, and there was this green...lantern beside him. Thunderlane didn't even notice, and the guy even said 'Hallo, Thunder, I am Viral Cough!' in this weird echo-y voice. Then, I blinked, and he was gone. It's like he's something I uncovered but never knew about, he knows my name and stuff. It's creepy."

"Hmm..." Demoman thought for a moment. He comes up with some absolutely genius statements when he's sober, and that was one of those times. "Well, I suppose he could've come from that wee graveyard outside o' Ponyville. Ye said all kinds o' nasty spirits were buried there, what if somepony else followed ye there? We know about feckin' Blueballs and his lot, but maybe some other wee nursemaid followed ye?" We all considered this.

"You might have a point there, pardner." Engie said, still firing up the engine in this train segment. It would be physically impossible for this one train engine to pull all 80 carriages, so we had a radio set up to inform the other drivers when to fire up their engines to move, stop, and slow down, or speed up. Engie, who hadn't changed to a pony name and still went by Dell Conagher, was occasionally looking back at us to speak. "If he causes trouble, ah reckon it won't take much t' kill the fella. How big was he? Movin' speed? Any kinda armour on the fella?"

"None that I could see." I replied. "All he had was that metal mask with the green eyes, the hat I mentioned, and the lantern, if that constitutes armour of any kind." I paused, looking at Everypony else as we all thought. "Ah, who am I kidding, Engie's probably right. I guess we could shoot him if he has a go at us. Plus, Faith can simply run away with her literally amazing parlour skills-"

"Yeah, literally." she mocked with a smile.

"-Bush could probably shoot him when he's a mile away-"

"Heard that, you wanker!" he called through the door to his room that wasn't even a few doors from the controls of the train. The actual train engine had a set of rooms with bunk beds we were using, and I was bunking with Bush, Rogue, and Dok. I'd be kept up for hours as they discussed their adventures back in the Badlands. "Sleep with one eye open, mate, or I'll throw you out the train, wait for us to be a mile away, then shoot ya!"

"-Engie can run him over in the train or build one of his signature contraptions-

"Aw, shucks." he grinned, before speaking into the radio to let us know it's time to move, and shifting the throttle. The train lurched forward, and cheers erupted from cabins behind.

"-Dok could Übercharge one of us for massive damage-"

"I told you, Thunder, I'm not going to Übercharge you again after that night of drinking! That was most of the Winter Crates destroyed!" he called through, almost angry.

"-Demo could place some bombs down-"

"Aye." he grinned, reclining over the back of his chair with a bottle of root beer*.

"-Rogue could plow a knife into his back and pretty much make him a vegetable-"

"Of course." he nodded, flicking a cigarette out of the window.

"-and Inferno, Ebony and I could easily do some evil spirit shit and kill him." I finished. Ebony looked quizzically at me. As the train began to clack over the rails, I sighed. "OK." I began. "You remember Nightmare Moon, right?"

He nodded. "We got rid of her."

"No, turns out we didn't." I replied. "She lived in my head for a YEAR, and apparently generated some of my best plans from inside there and put them in my head. So, she can follow me around wherever, and even has the power to come out of my body as a misty figure. Then, we visited a graveyard full of TF2 Freaks, and we ended up awakening them and allowing them inside our heads." As if on cue, my neck clicked. "Good Lord!" I suddenly cried with Rogue's voice. I turned hazelly-brown, and a fedora appeared on my head. "Nightmare really knows how to ravage a man of high-tastes, even when not physically! You're a lucky fellow, Thunder!" My neck clicked again, I grew a few feet, and turned into ~~a worse OC than I already am~~ a black alicorn with red tinted hooves, and bloody sunglasses. "Yeah."

Engineer and Demo panicked, and recoiled at my form as I looked over. "Oi! I know you two, don't I? And that Bush bloke, and Dok, and...ROGUE!" Christian began to yell, pulling out a pair of Bushwackas. "You left me for dead back on Earth! I 'ad t' kill all of ya for revenge, and then fucking Rogue came up and almost killed me! Ain't that right, Gentle?!" My neck clicked, but I didn't change colour. Instead, my voice changed.

"Of course, now I remember. I was with you that whole time, and I saved you from Rogue' actions."

CRRCK

"Christ, guys, calm your tits. They're here now, they're not trying to kill you, and I think you survived that stuff. Let it go."

CRRCK

"Apologies. Things got out of hoof."

"Yeah. Sorry, mates."

"Good. Now, I think it'd be best if we kept alert. That Viral Cough guy could be anywhere, if I wasn't seeing things." We all agreed, and went to go do whatever we planned to do for a few days as we went at a moderate speed towards Griffonia. However, just as I turned to look out the window, I saw a green lantern moving past the train and disappear. I shook my head. "God, I hope that isn't him." I whispered.

I must axe you a question, but I was planning to hack the Letter of Demands apart later.

The train arrived in Crowme at about 5:00AM. All of the stallions on board all 80 carriages we had collected piled into the underground facility as fast as possible, before we sealed ourselves in. We had a large quantity of food, enchanted gardens for vegetables and plants and shit, and a reasonably unnecessarily large supply of ammunition and weapons. However, just as Whooves was due to address the crowds of stallions, an unfortunately familiar golden flash appeared, and the quiet whap of a scroll landing on my head could easily be heard through the deathly silence. Carefully, I picked up the Royally Branded scroll, unrolled it, and began to read aloud.

"Thunder," I began, reading out to the crowds, "I am well aware of what you are planning. It is a foolish plan, and has failed multiple times in the past. Give up." I paused, and flipped the letter over. That was all the text?

"That's it?" Whooves asked. I nodded, and prepared to write my response letter.

"Right, now to do something I always wanted to do." I grinned. "SPIKE!" As if on cue, the young dragon hopped up the stairs to the balcony with a quill and scroll in his claws. He tagged along because he wanted to be seen as 'mature', but it was unlikely he had any idea what this was all really about.

"Yessir!" he said excitedly. I heard flutes playing in the background.

"Dear Princess Celestia..." I began. Then I paused, and so did the music that appeared. It was immediately replaced with some casual jazz music as I thought about how to REALLY grind her gears together. "Hold on, rub out 'Celestia' and write 'Trollestia'. WAIT! 'Molestia!' That's the one! Write that!" The dragon laughed, as did every stallion on the floor below. "Right then. OK, you ready Spike? Good. Write this; Take a massive shotgun, put it in your burning vagina, and then pull the trigger. That'll satiate your lust for stallions." The laughter below was mixed with with 'ohhh's of cringes as stallions pictured that. "We're not going back. The laws are unfair, you're unfair, mares are unfair, so we're being unfair. Whooves, anything to add?" I asked the brown stallion.

"Yes, of course!" he beamed. "Right then. Doctor Whooves speaking, Princess. I'm from where Thunder is. But, I'm like, a Time Lird. Wibbly Wobbly and what-not. Anyway, I'm just cutting in to remind you we're incredibly well-armed. We're in a facility outside Equestria, and said facility is full of guns, and said guns will, most likely, happily be operated by the Assassins, Rogues, Combat Medics, Pyromaniacs, and Psychologically-Unstable Stallions we have with us, not to mention countless more. So any attempt to capture us will, probably, result in a barrage of syringes, hostages situations, and a point in which one of us walks out, probably thunder, who then trots up to you in the middle of a field as both sides stare each other down, and he goes against your order to stand down, but he doesn't know that Luna still loves him. She tries coming to the front line, but is stopped by female guards, who only let her past after hearing of her plight and they say 'Go get him, girl' in spite of the security measures put in place to protect her after the attack on Canterlot, and then you speak to Thunder as music plays in the background, and then he cries, and agrees to marry you, and then this all blows over." Everybody stared blankly at him, and he experienced an unfortunate accident where he fell down the stairs and was in no way shoved violently with a sledgehammer.

"Thunder here, Celestia." I cut in after Doctor's accident. Spike seemed relieved. "That shit written above is, like, Whooves' fantasy for a movie they should make. Sounds good, just needs a few script tweaks and what-not, but anyway, we're not going back until Estrus is over. Anybody coming in will be kept hostage until you meet our demands. Auf Wiedersehn, Schweinhunde." I grinned. Spike lowered his quill in confusion. "Fuck you, then." Spike happily wrote that. "Send it away, Spike!"

"Alrighty!" he replied cheerfully, before blowing the scroll into ashes and sending it on its way. The room was in silence.

"What do we do now?" somebody asked. I considered this.

"Who wants to practice the art of murder?" I asked. A fair few hooves shot up. "Right then. Any assassins, let's get to teaching the new security force."

We received many petitions over the next week. All were saying 'we want satisfaction' with eleventy squillion signatures on each one, to which we usually replied with some demand, or song reference. Faith and I became very good friends, usually meeting up outside the facility exit for some late-night free-running, and sometimes the conversations when we sat beside each other looking at the sky at night got pretty awkward. At some point we ended up looking into each other's eyes and seeing ~~oblivion~~ something worth staring at for a bunch of seconds and leaning closer, until we both either panicked, or slapped ourselves, or both. She still, like Cadence, had an amazing body, and was pretty young, and was easily friendzoning me. I was destined to live in the friendzone.

Back on Earth I was always friendzoned. It was good, no female attention, no...bloody...'dates' to go on, don't have to spend money, and get hugs for no reason. Sweet. Most I had ever been friendzoned by at once was about 15 girls by them being a bunch of US tourists who liked my hat and were very annoying, but had nice boonies and that's what matters. I was creeped out when they hugged me, but then I mentioned it on a Skype call and was a God amongst men. But now I was getting friendzoned by an athletic, like-minded, internet savvy girl with an amazing backstory, amazing ass, and was pretty much my best friend beside Thunderlane.

Damn.

It can't happen again.

I sat in my new office, rain pattering on the skylight built into the street and camoflaged with magic to ensure nobody saw us. It was about 1:00AM, darkness above, and I was alone, sorting through the masses of personal death threats I had been receiving from mares back in Equestria. The letters themselves were being sent to the Crowme Southern District Post Office, where one of us would retrieve all the letters to the hundreds of stallions we had with us. Some of them were genuinely the most unthreatening things I have ever read. Plus, coupled with the fact that any human entering Equestria can't die forever, I felt no level of intimidation from them. Inferno and I had even started competing to see who'd get the most messages from their marefriend/ex-marefriend/mares that're friendzoning with benefits, and so far he was winning. He didn't want to spend Estrus with Twilight*, since she was wild enough, plus the fact she contains the other half of a deadly spirit of the greatest mass-murderer in history, he was staying away until she calmed down. Thus, he'd received 30-70 messages a day for the past 3 weeks. I was getting about 40 messages a day, slightly less, so Inferno was winning.

I sighed, stubbing out my cigar in the ashtray at the desk, and then reading the letter I had received again. This was not a death threat, nor a plea. Instead, it was a rather concerning message from Celestia. She was asking me a question.

My dearest Thunder,

I am aware we have been on unfair terms as of late. However, this letter is not an attempt to convince you to return. I'm simply going to ask a question of you; Have you sent an assassin after my sister and myself? We have been receiving many reports of a creature running about the country with a rifle, and...eliminating those important scientists left in Equestria when you all left, and the morale is dropping back here. If it was you who sent this stallion, I am completely disgusted in you. You've ordered 20 scientists to be killed in the past 3 weeks, and yet you send no reason to do so. I'm afraid to say that if you don't come forward with who this gunman is, I shall have no choice but to send assassins of my own to eliminate members of your 'cult'.

You have one week before I begin to send my own troops.

-Celestia

XXX

I frowned. "She should know I'm better than that." I muttered, before getting out my well-worn quill and a piece of new paper, and starting to write.

To Celly,

Believe me, I would NEVER send an assassin to do work I could do personally. To answer your question; no, I didn't send a gunman after your scientists. If anything, I'm AGAINST that idea; if Dok had stayed behind, or Bill, there'd have been massive problems if this guy started taking potshots at them. I'd actually like to see some photographs of the corpses, crime scenes, any outstanding evidence as to what this 'creature' is capable of. If they're the wounds I expect, then we have a serious, SERIOUS problem. Any evidence you have, I cannot stress how important it is that you send me anything relating to the damages this creature has caused, witness reports, ANYTHING.

Plus, I'd rather you didn't send assassins. I don't want to have to make somepony clean up the mess I'd make.

-Thunder

( ͡º ͜ʖ ͡º)

Now all I needed to do would be leave it to Spike to send away, and think over what exactly this creature could be. Slipping the letter through my 'Send' box outsidemy door, and closed up for the night. However, as I closed the door to my office whilst standing in the dark, empty corridor of the base, there was the sound of ~~Music~~ faint hoofsteps coming from down the corridor. I rolled my eyes. What'd somepony need at this hour? Muttering, I locked my door, before slipping on my Trophy Belt and beginning to head towards the diner. As I went down the dark wooden corridors, I began to notice things. As I'd been going to my office hours earlier, a few stallions had been taken out into the corridor and were being treated by a few doctors. Now, I noticed the medical equipment had been left unattended, and blood patches were on the floor, being dragged away down the hall.

"Must have been some kind of stabbing..." I whistled through my teeth. I contemplated knocking on a nearby door, but realized that the time was a factor in why they wouldn't be answering me if I did. Little pussies couldn't stay up past their bedtime. Anyway, I carried on. But the hoofsteps behind were getting much more...shuffly. As I got near, I kept casting my gaze behind me, just to try and catch a glimpse of who the tossers were that were following me. All I had on me was my 1911 and a magazine to spare, so I could only assume that I'd have the upper hand if I was attacked.

Again.

Assumed.

Thunder, darling?

Aye?

I have worrying news.

Psht. Can't be that fucking bad.

There's been a massive boost of ponies around Equestria. We're thinking it has something to do with your planet's...dead.

So you're implying there's some relation to the deceased of my world...coming here?

I'm afraid so. The most recent census has had a massive new political view appearing in many of the new citizen's answers.

And it is?

Nazzee.

What? Nazzee? Never heard of it. Spell it out, love.

N, A, Z, I. Nazzee.

WHAT?! Nazis?!?!? That's impossible! They shouldn't...no. No. You're joking. You have to be pulling my fucking leg. TELL ME YOU ARE, LUNA. TELL ME YOU'RE JOKING!

I assume you have some kind of problem with the Nazis?

Tell that to over six million Jewish men, women, and children that were needlessly killed by a genocidal campaign that remained undetected for over five years!

Thunder, stop exaggerating. You deserve no right to speak of the innocent so lowly, especially when you summoned a creature to kill several important scientists staying behind.

CAN IT, SUNBUTT! I'M TELLING LUNA OF THE SEVERE PROBLEM OF THIS 'NEW' POLITICAL GROUP! Have they put forward a leader?!

U-Um, y-yes, they have. His name is...let me look...Das Führer, according to all of the ponies asked.

Oh Dear God. This cannot be happening. Not here. It can't be.

Um...I-I think we can sort this out...

Send your army to the borders of Equestria. I'll send our group to the opposite border, and we'll settle this once and for all.

You're kidding with this.

No, we're not going to kill each other off.

Fine, I'll go to you and we'll settle this like mature ponies.

Bow-chicka-wow-wow.

That doesn't help.

Author's Note

* But I'd willingly spend it with Nightmare Moon.

Awful Zombie Apocalypse

So, yeah, I fucked up with my earlier judgement that I'd have the upper hand.

Against fourteen, maybe.

But not...fourteen thousand.

The bastards were fucking everywhere; there were only a few in the base, but outside? In a densely populated capital city? I could barely see. It was like a rave. But, y'know, full of undead ponies.

All around the city, in streets, buildings, squares, plazas, shops, EVERYWHERE, there were shambling hordes of decaying corpses, all getting back up because they died and Computer Said No. Most, if not all of the stallions in the bunker were fine, but I think the few that got taken...ugh, Christ, not thinking of it. Anyway, we were holed up in the armoury, and we were all arming up. We needed to leave the city. I moved over to Thunderlane. "Dude, can you fucking BELIEVE this shit?" I said excitedly. We were the only two, besides Inferno and Bush, that were actually excited by the premise of an undead apocalypse.

"I know!" Thunderlane replied, stuffing some more BL58 magazines into his bag. Yes, the BL58 is a joke. I mentioned the AK47, and we wanted it to be one up from the AK47, so we went one up in naming. Shit joke, but irrelevant. "We get to fight fuckin' zombies! This shit is goin' on WeBox, later! First-Person Zombie-Killing action!"

"We'll make SO much money from this." I smiled, grabbing a flamethrower. Just then, we were all silenced by something smashing against the iron doors to the armoury. Immediately, we used some magic to set up hasty Reading machine gun posts, and some of us manned them. A howling screech from the other side of the doors signalled what was coming, and the smacking increased in tempo. Finally, the metal doors were smashed down and on the other side, I got my first glimpse of something I never wanted to see again. Standing there, distorted, was a stallion, eyes glowing gold and military-esque uniform with the red band we all hate was showing his exact origins.

Plus, there was a shit load more behind him, so that was NOT good either.

"FIRE!" yelled some stallion from the front, and then the deafening sound of a dozen different mounted guns began going off as zombies poured in through the doors. Who the fuck was I to disagree? Making sure it was primed, I began to march forward with my new toy, spraying flames as much as possible and slightly singing my hoof in the process. That, of course, led to me getting set on fire, and so I dropped the flamethrower and began to pat out the flames on my fur. That was fucking hurting, so I spat on them, and just like that, a massive amount of steam arose and the flames went.

Then I realised now was not the best time to be standing around.

For fuck's sake, Thunder, have a bloody machete! Just stop muckin' about and push them back!

Christ, calm your tits, I'm on it.

With my new Kukri, I began waving it about and hacking at the Nazi Zombie Pony Things that were trundling towards me. The thing is, the gunfire stopped. Pushing back the last few zombies that were near me, I stepped back and realised why.

They were doing literally nothing.

The 'undead' were simply wandering about, doing nothing to attack, and apparently had no hoof-eye coordination due to the number I had seen falling into the Blacksmith's furnace. I looked at the other stallions, and wondered how we had all managed to fit into this room, and why it was so conveniently big.

Finally, we had all arrived on the outskirts of Griffonia, being met by Equestria's army of mares. Most weren't even in the military from what I could tell, but were instead levitating Rolling Pins, and all other manner of unnecessarily feminine objects. And most of them were not looking too pleased with us stallions. There was about a mile between us, and it only took a pair of binoculars to see the displeasure they had for us. I turned to my right hand man, who was named ~~Fegelein~~ Thunderlane. "What's the word, Captain Commander In Murder Thunderlane?" I asked.

"Well, Colonel Dr McThunder Mustang, they look pissed. Any chance of avoiding an argument with Celestia and Luna is impossible." he replied.

"DAMMIT, SKIPPER!" I shouted at Inferno. "Private Twinkletoes, what's the situation on the diplomacy side?"

"They've set up a table and chairs, sir!" he replied in his strangely child-like voice.

"Good! Kowalski McTesticles, follow me!" I ordered, before advancing from our wall of stallions towards the middle of the meeting point. Following shortly behind me was Ebony. I could see a slight ripple effect on the mare's side, as they shifted, anxious for me to make a wrong move so they could tranquilize the stallion army and rape them. It would still be rape, but whatever. In the middle of the area, I could already see Celestia, watching me calmly. When we finally reached the table and chairs, we both halted, staring at the mare at the table. It was sunset, making it seem more ~~cinematic~~ dramatic than it actually was. I turned to Ebony. "Kowalski McTesticles, get back to safety. I got this shit." I said sternly. Ebony saluted, and then wandered off. Celestia and I watched each other for a moment.

"Shall we?" I began.

"Yes, let's." she replied. Then we both sat and got to business.

A few hours later, we had barely advanced in diplomacy. "This is fucking boring." I sighed.

"Agreed." Celestia nodded. "Let's try to figure out a more interesting way of settling this." Just then, I noticed something behind her. Trying to remain calm, I looked her in the eyes.

"Sniper." I said quietly.

"Well, a gunfight won't solve much." she replied.

"No, Sniper." I repeated. "There is a Sniper behind you. I saw his glint. No sudden movements, just let me get my pistol out and when I say, get down."

"Well, that's hardly diplomacy!" Celestia said angrily. By that time, I'd pulled my pistol out, and was pointing it at Celestia quite subtly.

"Ready?" I said quietly.

"What, n-"

"DUCK." I shouted, before pulling Celestia forward with a hoof and firing over her head. The bullet from my revolver disappeared into the darkness, and a male 'nngh!' of pain signalled I'd hit my mark. I then left the table, causing a roar of disapproval from both sides, and I galloped towards the female side of the table. It'd take a few seconds to find the bastard, so I let up my wing lights and began looking for him.

I did not, however, expect to encounter a human.

Author's Note

Updating this less, got shit to do.

How about I slap you with an entrenching tool?

The man was simply sitting there in the palace interrogation room, doing absolutely nothing except staring at the small metal bonds around his wrists. We gave him that jewellery, and compared to his size, they were like those wee little candy wrist bangles and necklaces you get at fucking funfairs. He, however, simply did not care. Being a man of antique weapon collecting back on Earth, I was safely able to identify the rifle he was carrying as the good old fashioned Springfield, almost confirming my thoughts of him working in the US Military. However, his choice of handgun, grenades, and third shooty-gun that he was carrying confused me. He was operating with an American rifle, German Luger, Russian PPSH-41, and a whole shit load of German and Russian Stick Grenades, Oyster Bombs, 'Pineapples', and other such shite. He irked me for his choice of machine gun.

I love the MP40. The PPSH is just overrated like a bag of...overrate. I was stood beside Celestia, some of her recently appointed female guards, and I also had Ebony with me. I didn't feel a guard team was necessary, because they had those shiny ceremonial spears, and I had my beloved 1911 that I totally didn't find hidden in Luna's knicker drawer. Therefore, I had one chance, ONE CHANCE, to come back here and tell our enemies, they may violate my privacy, but they'll never break, my HANDGUUUUUUUUUUUUN!* "So, Celly," I began, not taking my eyes off the man in the room. "What do you say?"

"Ugh, thank you." she muttered. "I'd be dead if it weren't for you. Otherwise, just tell me what you know." I whistled through my teeth.

"Christ, you really need that rutting..." I chuckled. "Right, so, judging by his rifle, I'm gonna guess US Special Forces, or a Sniper."

"OK, so all of your special forces use that?" Celestia asked. "Seems rather...loud."

"Well, not any more. Considering how he reacted to a computer, he's probably from the 1930s, 1940s maybe. When I left Earth, it was 2012, so he's 70 years before my time, maybe more. Only problem with my US Forces theory was that the other weapons he had were inconclusive with his main rifle. For instance, US servicemen were usually issued with a Colt 1911 like mine, but this guy?"

"Wasn't carrying one, I assume?" a guard asked.

"Correct, Missy." I replied. "He was actually carrying a captured German weapon, the Luger P08. Man has good tastes, I'll say. Anyway, making this even more confusing is that he was also carrying Russian explosives and a PPSH, a Russian submachine-gun."

"I know what he was carrying, I personally watched them taking his equipment, and helped myself." Celestia grunted aggressively.

"Calm it, Sunbutt." I cut in. "I'm still thankful you gave him the courtesy of letting him keep his boots and clothes. Humans need that shit. Listen, I'll go in and talk to him, and find out what happened that brought him here." Sighing as I left the room, I felt one of the guardsmares brush her tail beneath my snout and flick it away like a seductive whip. I shot her a glare. "Don't even." I said sharply. Closing the door, I moved to the next door, which was so unnecessarily well-guarded it was almost obnoxious. Guards were carrying extremely heavy weapons, many looking like they were struggling under what might as well have been horse-shaped bomb disposal suits. I rolled my eyes as they saluted. "Why must everybody salute, for God's sa-ah, fuck it. Yeah, whatever, gents." I muttered as I entered the white room. The man looked at me with tired eyes, and he had dark hair. He was wearing a green-khaki uniform with a scarf around it made of that weird fabric that looks like moss, and he had his right hand bandaged. He stayed seated, looking at me from across the table as I sat in front of him. "'sup?" I greeted.

"Evening." he replied in the most generic lone wolf sniper voice ever.

"So." I continued. "Might I ask how you, a human, got to such a place as Equestria?" The sniper's ears pricked up.

"You know my species?" he asked in amazement.

"Yeah, I used to bloody be one of you." I said casually. "You served, or were serving, in World War 2, correct?"

"Yeah. US Military, OSS. Rest's classified."

"To WHO, might I ask?" I shot back. "Believe me, when I first got here, I tried concealing the fact that I, along with my 5 companions, were human at one point, and it drove me nearly crazy, alright? So secrets can't hold here. Plus, a certain Princess here is able to rifle through your mind and find what she wants sooner or later. Might we get your name, though, so I don't have to keep talking about you as 'that guy'?" There was a pause in the white room, and I could almost feel the sexual tension between Ebony and Celestia on the other side of the glass window.

"Fairburne." he finally uttered. "Major Karl Fairburne of the US OSS Service." Immediately, an alarm bell rang. 'Yep, I've 'eard a' you, lad. Yer tha' one bloke from Snoipeh 'Lite, m'I right?'

"You that guy that shot Hitler?" I asked.

"The one and only." he replied. He almost seemed proud, and I could see his smug grin.

"Stopped a V2 launch with a rifle?"

"Mmhmm."

"Has probably killed most of Berlin's military population, plus a bunch of scientists?"

"I was working on the ones here. New orders."

"Where from?"

"What's it to you, Bluey?" A pause.

"Business."

"War ain't a business."

"But society is, and to me, war is literally running a shop. You send in soldiers on one import, they die getting hold of it, you just have to hope the enemy doesn't lower the cost of it."

"You're a war profiteer, then."

"No, I'm not."

"Then why were you leading a small army?"

"Estrus."

"Estrus? That a horse thing?"

"POLITICALLY CORRECT TERM IS PONY." I said suddenly. "Anyway, it's mating season. Mares go crazy and, like, put their horse vaginas in the faces of stallions and we can't do shit about it because politics, so me and some other gents went against it and the army we were leading was made of most of Equestria's men."

"So like when Soldiers go home from war to their homes, families, and television sets?"

"TV? Yeah. Things changed, Fairburne."

"As in? World War Two brought the pinnacle of advancement. The 40s are the years of human advancement, have you not seen all the radar we developed?" I paused.

"You still think it's the forties?" I asked. He seemed genuinely confused.

"Yeah, my watch is tellin' me it's 11th August, 1944." he replied. "Somethin' the matter?"

"I came here in 2012." I said carefully. "You're almost 68 years behind me. Everything...changed since you went. America, England, Weapons, Transport, Leadership, Politics, Entertainment...what you found amazing back then is old-hat by today's standards."

"Even the Nuclear Bomb plans I found...they're old news."

"Yeah, sorry. We took those from the Nazis when they sent them to Japan, and the technology has really developed. We created MIRVs, rockets that go up into space and send out hundreds of nukes. Just one could destroy an entire hemisphere."

"We were gonna destroy Japan. We had the power."

"We did. America nuked Nagasaki and Hiroshima. Millions of innocent people died. You had the power, and your country abused it. Hitler shot himself in 1945, according to history, but...your timeline must be different."

"But I shot him. You know."

"Different universes. Fucked up shit." I sighed. "You want me to explain the really important stuff?"

"Yeah, I never saw the end of your version of the war. Tell me as much as you want, I'll just go back to my cell after."

And so I began to explain to him what humanity did after the war, and I felt like I was doing a good deed.

I headed towards Luna's room to get stuff from my war-drobe. However, something seemed off the moment I began to advance into the doorway. For instance, I walked in and felt a tad more relaxed. There was also the point of the door slamming and locking, and the blinds being drawn. I also got a strong smell of chloroform. It didn't really do much, all it did was make me irritated. I have picked my nose so much in my life I am pretty much immune to most diseases, chemicals, and poisons. So, in response, I grabbed the rag, turned around, and put it on my attacker's face. Then, when I heard an adorable 'mmph?!' noise, I looked down. There, lying on the floor was Princess Luna.

And she was sleeping.

So I didn't wake her up, grabbed my sticky jumper, and went to go launch myself into a wall for pain practice.

Author's Note

* MEL GIBSON MODE ENGAGED

Ace of Fours. Divided by two, and subtract, like, three.

Literally, I had to spend about 3 hours explaining what happened to the wall to a load of maintenance workers, and they weren't buying my story about me launching myself into a wall with highly-explosive but lessened damage, if any at all. Seriously, one of the guys was getting REALLY pissed at me. "It' just a fuckin' window, dude," I said, exasperated. "Why'd you really even care? Just get a new one, jackass." Then he took that opportunity to hit me in the fucking jaw with an entrenching tool, so I was kind of pissed. A large number of mares were spamming my mind with messages containing threats about what they'd if I didn't find and rut them, and I was pretty much thinking, 'Dude, fuck that, it sounds like work,' for a few straight hours or some shit. I think Violin Grey Horse or Brush Tooth Horse told them about it in revenge for the fact that I ignored their messages. But going back I suppose I should have given Octavia a birthday present. I gave her something later though. I gave her a hat, and it was all OK after.

Anyway, so later that day I went to go get breakfast, and I met Cadence. I was pretty surprised to see Candyass again. "Hi, Cadence." I greeted calmly.

"Oh, hey Thunder." she replied. "I'm here for two reasons. One, to slap you for being an idiot and wrecking the Estrus Laws."

I was then slapped. She has one hell of a mean swing.

"And two?" I asked, snapping my head back in place.

"Two, I'm here for a meeting. It's about this new guy on the block; Führer, they call him. Head of the NSEAP. New party, new guy, new plans for Equestria. And apparently he's from where you're from!"

"Yeah, he is, and he killed millions of fucking people. Well, not as many as Stalin, but you get me. He's a fucking dictator!" I cried angrily.

"Oh, you don't know that. Come on, it could be fun! Well, not as much fun as the full body cavity search at the city train station." I facehoofed, and sighed.

"Lead the way." I muttered, following Cadence down the hall towards the Parliamentary Chambers.

We entered the Parliamentary hall to find a stallion with awful hair and a moustache trotting up to the stand. As he went up, I couldn't help but notice that his Cutie Mark was the dreaded...

...angry face emoticon? "Huh." I mused as I sat down. "Ain't that a surprise."

"What is?" Cadence asked. I pointed to Führer.

"His cutie mark." I replied. "Back on Earth, this guy would always be famous for turning a religious symbol of peace into the symbol that marked who you were meant to shoot at. The Swastika. And yet, his Cutie Mark is an angry face. I mean, I know why, but I just don't get why it isn't an Iron Cross or Swastika." Cadence simply shrugged as 'Dolfy began speaking.

"Meine brüders, meine Schwestern. Wir sind ein Land von einem, aber wir werden von zwei führen. Wir sind von der Monarchie, die über unser Leben und Jalousien Millionen Regeln unterdrückt! Ich fühle das Leid von unzähligen Unschuldigen, der Armen und der unerwünscht. Die Nazi-Partei unter der Leitung von Ihrem glorreichen Führer wird den Schmerz zu stoppen und bewirken eine vierte Ära der Hoffnung! Machen Sie mit!" he yelled, flailing his forehooves around as though he was one of those wavy arm things at second hand car shops. I understood one word he said, though, and that was 'Hoffnung', which meant David Hasselhoff, and he wasn't cool, so I did the most politically correct thing I could.

"Shut up, you Nazi...person!" I yelled, standing up. "You are not a real German! You are a colourful cartoon horse with a moustache!" Hitler looked back in irritation, before waving his arms around again.

"YAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAFEGELEINYAYAYAYAYAYAYADEEEEUTSCHLAAAAANDYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYA" he cried in irritation. So then I threw a stapler at his face and it all kicked off.

"So let me get this straight," Inferno said again, causing me to facehoof. "You're being sent back to Ponyville again, because you chucked a stapler at Hitler's face and it hit him in the forehead."

"Fuckin' marksman shot." I grinned smugly, making a 'pew' gesture with my finger.

"You're a fucking idiot." Ebony muttered. "And to think it's only 3 days until the Estrus laws come out of effect."

"Well, I need to go find a stapler then." I replied casually. "And your face is a fucking idiot."

"At least his face doesn't have a staple in it." Inferno added.

"Not even my fault." I shot back.

It actually wasn't.

I actually threw another stapler, and used magic to guide it to his forehead, and your stapler went off and harmlessly stuck itself in his right hoof stallion's arse.

Well, that was some mighty pro MLG trickshotting there, m8.

lelelellele dank weed fgts amirite

yeh lel fkin aimbot fazeoptik pr0 skill swag

U avin a giggl ther m8

Eleven.

The moment I got home, I barricaded myself, Ebony, and Inferno in the house and sat in a corner wearing a fedora and clutching a sniper rifle with no scope on it. I also had a can of cola labelled 'mOuNtain jEw' because I needed the swag to continue. The other two sat in the kitchen, looking out into the empty streets for any sign of the other three, but I still remained in the corner.

Suddenly, there was a knock on the door, and I immediately stood up, span around quickly, and fired, missing the door completely and instead hitting the window nearby. Nopony went to get the door for a while. Finally, I realised what I was missing. Sighing, I stood up, went over to my drawer of assorted shit, and pulled out my air horn, before beginning to spam it a bunch of times. Smiling in satisfaction, Inferno trotted cheerfully to the door, and I raised an actual rifle at the door. Slowly, he opened it, and the moment it was fully open I was greeted by the sight of Faith and Dok, both stood with small bags of belongings. Knowing Dok, his was probably filled with every single Miscellaneous item and weapon he could get, but Faith? She had a small black and yellow bag similar to those I remember seeing in the game she hailed from. That took some explaining to her.

"Hey guys," Inferno smiled, inviting them in. "What brings you to our humble abode?"

"You mean shithole?" I whistled, looking our house over. "But yeah, what Inferno said: What does bring you to the house equivalent of Glasgow and Detroit's child?" Faith just smirked.

"Well, I need somewhere to stay while they clean the smell from the bunker," she replied. "Smells like blood, gore, and dead bodies. Also pineapple. Because...I don't know."

"That's the smell of oozing kidneys," Dok added smartly as they sat down on the sofa. "A literally broken heart smells like fun." We all looked at him.

"Right," I muttered. "Anyway, surely you're safe in your office, Dok?"

"Some mares tried to spring a trap on me when I got back," he sighed, narrowing his eyes at me. "Including your ex-girlfriend."

"Maybe she's pissed because you stole her panties," I laughed, reclining and rubbing a hoof on my fur casually. "And besides, it just goes to show that you don't leave a hat collection unattended."

"Pfft, good point," Ebony snorted, "I wouldn't think for a second of leaving an Unusual lying about."

"Unless it's a Coupe D'Isaster with Nuts and Bolts," Dok suggested, cringing. "That shieße can burn for all I care."

"Agreed." I nodded, standing. "So, you two want to see where you'll be sleeping?" I asked. Faith nodded politely, and followed after me as I went upstairs. As I went, I gestured for Ebony or Inferno to bring Dok's bags upstairs. Once on the landing, I lead Faith to a door on the other end of the hall and opened the door. She looked in, then at me, then frowned in an adorable way.

"Your room?" she smiled sarcastically. "Nice try, Thunder."

"No, seriously, the only other room is Dok's."

"What about your friend's rooms? They're not here."

"You wanna sleep in crusty blankets?"

"Ew, fuck no."

"Then you'll have to sleep in my bed." Faith attempted to counter, but failed. Sighing with defeat, the white and black mare slowly trudged in and put her bag on the bed. Just then, it felt like somepony or something walked straight through me. Like a ghost. Briefly, I was tempted to go 'hmm?' and look around, but instead, I continued looking ahead. It happened again, and then again, then finally it happened to Faith. She looked as though somepony had just grabbed her well-formed arse and she made a yelp noise, standing upright.

"You feel that?" she whispered.

"Yeah..." I replied quietly, pulling out Flip. I looked around the room, frowning at everything as though my eyebrows would make a difference. It was only then that I noticed a wisp of smoke drifting around the room. "Show yourself." I said loudly. I expected no reply, maybe for the smoke to disappear, but it didn't. Instead, it scared the shit out of me.

"Oh, my dear Thunder," replied what could only be described as the sexiest voice I have ever heard. "Don't you treat ladies with respect? You seem to respect your little outfits and toys enough..." Just as this was said, Inferno and Ebony, ran in followed by Dok.

"OH MY GOD, I HEARD A BAYONETTA," Ebony said loudly, looking around the room.

"Goodness, I feel like a fucking celebrity," the voice mocked, causing me to orgasm on the spit because it was Bayonetta. "Now, are you going to punish me? This is your house, Thunder..."

"Also mine." Inferno added.

"And mine." Ebony nodded.

"Her voice is sexy and I think I'm kind of moist right now." Faith sighed. I realised then that this WAS Bayonetta, because her voice alone made another woman incredibly turned on.

"Fucking show yourself," I demanded. As if on cue, a circle of Satan witch hocus pocus shizzle appeared in mind air, and just as calmly as it appeared, a mare stepped out. Her arse was pretty good, judging by the fact I had a nosebleed and passed out.

epic gamer moment

Author's Note

ok

now this is epic

ben shapiro taught me to turn liberal blood into literature

epic

(p.s: i haven't posted on here in like four years or something, why the fuck are you still here)

epic gamer moment

"Once apon a time, in a server far far quite close to my PC away, there lived a thing"

"It was named....Thunder Mustang"

"Mustang had something others didnt"

"Sentry wings"

"He could sentry jump across any map with ease"

"Then hurr durr spy sapped his wings"

"He fell down, down into gravel pit"

"And by no coinsodence, he captured the last point and won the game"

"Blu team was happy"

"Pyro rapped him"
*bad speling

Then he told medic how he was beaten by his parents"

And how the engie fixed his wings"

Then he pulled out his dispencer dick"

And healed the scout who was burning"

Because pyro's sexxxxxews is on fire"

Then....spider man out of fucking nowhere"

Mustang and spidy battled"

It took hours but Mustang won by slapping spidy to death"

McShooty stood in the corner, shaking from fright, say "wtf is this shit"

Colgate shot him and the he sed colgate angrily but no one cared because Mustang was being cool by sentry jumping as the engie removed the sappers

Luckily the sappers were not red-tape recorders or he would be a little...under size

Unfortuantly the story ends there as Colgate (who is writing this shit) has to save mcshooty's dignity
which has fallen below gravelk pit

and below Mustang's exelent sentry jumping

Mustang gets married to Luna, lots o babies.......... THE END"

I wanted to pretend to be yiff
but then
i became yiff
but then the great thunder mustang
CAME DOWN FROM THE PEAR LANDS!
To deliever the great golden pear which would appeise the Chop gods
Unfortuantly the chop gods only wanted their shitty splash damage waifoos who are only apples
so thunder mustang had to go get the mighty gods of the mlg swagnamite
Known as
PepiMcFlutterbutterFucker
Pepi, whom has the flame thrower stuck between his sexual fetishes and his desire to not be a kinky little shit, had to fight off Guru's obsessions with the shreks of the night
cuz wen it niht it dangerousss
So the shrektington village residents came down from the fucking clouds of guru's dick to destroy the mess in the head barut, who was fucking pepi's sub waifu
But senpai mjr was here to summon the stiky cum balls to BOOOM inside le ebin rainbow dash le XDDDDDDDDDDD
But the cum dumpster was too full for the amount of secret clopping the mjr did at night
Moon: with his pear shaped fleshlight
Moon: So chop had to use the rocket penis to show the pilgrims of the Pube the way to the Pube
Moon: Because the Pube cannot be found when he is in the hair saloon
For he is...
Pubeless
Unfortuantly gaben used his steam sales to wipe clean the whole planet and every one is die and you hear the angry solly main noises as he is beaten by the bestest of the bestest 12 year olds
Then everything was lovely once again.
Then we went home.

Lost lives, or new ones?

Pulling my red shirt back down, I moved forward through the fog, shining my torch into the thick moisture. The day had been exceedingly cold so I brought some gloves. Unfortunately, I didn't know they were fingerless. A few flakes of snow fluttered down from the sky, presumably having some caught on the tree canopy above. Deciding to stop and wait for my friends, I plodded over to a log, parked my arse down there, and waited. I didn't bother doing one of those stupid moments where you think about the events leading up to this moment, because I had picked up on footsteps crunching on leaves. More accurately, several sets of footsteps.
Looking towards the source, I shone the torch through the darkness that the fog was casting to see who would arrive first. My eyes immediately picked up on two figures, one taller than the other, approaching. The unmistakeable voices of Alex and Duncan were heard, conversing as usual. Just behind, another figure with rather shaggy hair was seen, undeniably Felix, trailed by two people whose silhouettes I was very familiar with; Harry and Aidan. All 6 of us went into the Great Park just for the shits and LOLs of it, and now we were lost. I'd been put under the care of my older brother back home, but I really didn't give a fuck and neither did he. My parents left for Vegas 2 weeks ago, and never came back.
So I was abandoned. Ignoring this, I stood and addressed the group. Wiping my hands onto my green faded camo trousers, I cleared my throat.
"Gentlemen." I began, sounding important. "Important question; left or right? I say left." Suddenly, Harry piped up.
"Are we going left because that fic you read said so, so we can go to Equestria?" he asked.
"Mmm..." Felix answered for me. "Yep. I say left."
"No, let's go right." Aidan said. "I want to get out of here and go home. This is boring."
"Ok." I replied to him. "How about this; we end up in Equestria, you can get first crack at Celestia."
"No." Harry laughed. "LUNA IS BEST PONEH!"
"We're going left. End of." Alex cut in, and suddenly began to walk down the left route. A path was intertwining through the trees, a strange darkness in view. Not wanting to be left behind, I jogged after him, and was soon followed by the other 4 guys. Suddenly, something caught unto my ankle, causing me to trip and fall to the dirt. Wincing, and telling god where he could shove his 'physics of falling', I looked down at what I tripped on. My heart almost ripped itself out of my chest when I caught sight of what it was; a soldier in Vietnam uniform, face frozen in a state of shock. The helmet had a hole through it, and I guessed that it was because he'd been shot. But a US soldier from Vietnam? In the UK, looking like he died moments ago? All six of us crowded around the body, not sure of what to do.
"We need to get the police on this." Duncan said, bowing his head slightly.
"FUCK DA POLIEC" I shouted in return, bending down and searching the soldier. My hands grasped something in his ammo belt, which I pulled out. One flash grenade. Perfectly useless. I stuffed it into my pocket, before continuing my search, much to the shock of my friends. I heard slightly confused murmurs, and I turned. "You all play Far Cry 3, right?"
The others nodded.
"Good," I smirked, turning back to the body. "Then you should know that this is allowed. He's fucking dead, guys. He won't be needing this grenade." I suddenly thought where else the corpse may have things. I reached around to the soldier's waist, feeling about until I felt something leather and in an L shape, a small metal lump clipping a gap shut. I excitedly opened it, resisting every urge I had to go nuts with it. An iron pistol with grey finish was pulled out, a wooden grip held to the, er, other grip with 2 screws. The safety was on, and I nonchalantly began to load the weapon and ready it. If this guy had been shot, recently by the looks of it, I had to be ready to defend my friends. I removed everything else the corpse had; ammo, a large combat knife with "From the USA to Vietnam" carved into it, another flash grenade, and a pair of dog tags belonging to a 'Thunder Mustang' from 'Weather Team Alpha'. I turned to the others, standing up as I clipped the corpse's holster to my trousers.
"Guys, this guy was called Thunder Mustang." I said inquisitively. "Weird name, huh?"
"Yeah," Felix replied, "He might have been the first brony, naming himself after his OC." As far as I knew, I had an OC called Thunder Mustang, but I preferred Scorch-Mane, and Thunder Mustang was also in Weather Team Alpha.
"Yes, but this is where it gets weird." I stated, moving my hands for emphasis. "I have an OC called Thunder Mustang. This guy's dig tags say he was also on 'Weather Team Alpha'. So is my OC." We all went silent for a few moments, looking at the dead body that was now lying in a position you might be when you are put in a coffin. Hey, I may be jaded to death and destruction, but that doesn't mean I have no sense of respect!
"...That's creepy." Harry finally said. "Oh, does your OC end up going out with Luna?"

"Fuck yes." I replied. "Either way, let's go onwards. We can tell the cops about the body later." With that made, we made a few respectful gestures to the body, before we marched onwards into the forest.

The floor here seemed cartoony, not even realistic, as well as...everything. The trees, the rocks, even us. I'd noticed a thick red border around the sleeves on my shirt, slightly brighter outlines surrounding my hands, and that I seemed to glow. I heard mumbling behind from the others that they looked like cartoons. But when I did look, the thing that popped out most to me was the fact that their eyes were a brilliant white, pupils illuminated unrealistically as colours were vividly shown.
"Wow," I heard Aidan say, "I look like a drawing."
"Same." all of us said simultaneously. As we trudged on through the dark, we noticed a thick bank of fog arriving in an instant. It reminded me of the Everfree Forest; fog appearing spontaneously, eyes being weird, all that. Suddenly, I realized that the moon was there. Even though we had proceeded through the Great Park, the moon was never that easy to see. Looking up, I almost had a squeegasm at what I saw.
Nightmare Moon, THE Nightmare Moon, was emblazoned on the surface of the orbiting white planetoid. I rapidly pointed this out, gesturing for the others to look up. Felix, Harry, and possibly even Aidan gasped at the same time.
"Does this mean...?" I began, still not taking my eyes off the moon. "...Are we...really here? Before season 1, episode 1?"

"Yep." Felix laughed. "We're in fucking Equestria, bitches."

We may have been in Equestria, but how the FUCK did my beard grow so quickly? Normally, the bastard does fuck all on my face, but it's only in Equestria that it grows. The only bloody time I don't have a razor to shave with...Great. Now I'm talking to my fucking facial hair. Always my fucking beard. I'm losing this shit. All my friends aren't; they're keeping it together as we trudge to what we think is Ponyville. But not me, noooo, why let the author keep his fucking sanity?! ALWAYS THE FUCKING AUTHOR.

Suddenly, I stepped on something. As I lifted my boot to see what it was, a sudden light flew above the horizon. Surprised at how damn quick the sun rises in Equestria, I shielded my eyes and fell. Recovering my footing, I got up, looked about and saw my friends. All had fallen asleep. Duh. It's fucking Equestria. This place hates me. I can't get to sleep. All of a sudden, my ramblings were cut short by something just...switching off. I don't know what, but I just zonked out completely. The last I remembered was a sudden crackling noise along my arm and back, spreading to my legs. My vision dimmed as I thought I saw my arm go blue and furry.

I was awoken by something prodding against my face. It was flat, and very persistent in what it was doing. I grunted, and tried to sleep through it, before I gave up. Opening my eyes a crack, I saw something green pushed against me, it was cartoonish, and furry.
Is that...
"Don't freak out, Jack." came Felix's voice. "Just...try to relax, alright?" I opened my eyes further, and almost screamed. A green Pegasus was stood over me, blue eyed, and with a picture of a skateboard for a cutie mark.
FUCK IT'S A PONY THEY'RE REAL HOLY SHIT
"AAAI'm not freaked out." I said calmly. I realized I had been going insane these past few days, so it wouldn't be a surprise if I was hallucinating that one of my best friends was now a pony.
"Good." Felix said, removing his hoof from my mouth. "Look down, you'll get the feel of your new body pretty fast. I think it's hardwired into us bronies." I saw him turn, and trot off, black tail swishing as he walked.
New body? Oh, cool, do I get to be Scorch-Mane? He's badass. I want to be Scorch, let me be Scorch...
Looking down, and stifling an angry yell, I saw I was a blue Pegasus with blue and gold striped mane and tail, neatly combed into a Scorch-like fashion.
"Thunder Mustang?" I groaned, pushing my forehooves down as I sat up. "Seriously? Well, at least I look cool..." I quickly took in my surroundings. We were still in the Everfree forest, trees looming high as darkness was visible slightly into the trees. The ground was still cartoony, and I saw my friends, listed below by appearance.
Aidan: Buff, grey unicorn with black mane and red eyes. Wood cutting axe mid-swing for a cutie mark.
Harry: Small unicorn, red mane and blue body, with green eyes. 3 chevrons sideways in a speech bubble for a cutie mark.
Duncan: Very small Pegasus, olive-drab with white mane and pink eyes. Flaming wings for a cutie mark.
Alex: Tall earth pony, deep red fur and firey yellow mane with orange eyes. Matchstick for a cutie mark.
Frowning slightly as I stood up, I began to think up names that would help us blend into civilization. All of a sudden, I realized how thirsty I was. I felt around on my back with a forehoof, which felt strangely natural, and grasped a canteen I had no clue I had. However, it was empty. Seeing no other options, I quickly put it between my legs and filled it with...my own urine. I had literally lost all my sanity, what difference would it make to drink piss? I felt slightly refreshed, and trotted up to Felix. The green Pegasus was busily slapping Harry in the face to wake him up when I tapped a blue hoof to his shoulder, canteen in the other hoof.
"Felix," I said clearly. "We've been here for days, we're out of water, and options. There's only one thing for it: better drink my own piss." That phrase awoke all the others, who immediately stood up to see me drink piss. I was slightly worried, but then I realized something odd; my piss tasted like liquid orgasms coated in chocolate and dipped in Scarlet Johannsen's tits, before being lathered in root beer and topped with toffee.
It tasted amazing.
I found myself unable to stop drinking, and when it was finished I was gasping for breath through my tonguasms.
"Oh my god guys," I panted, breathing heavily and sweating, "Pony piss tastes awesome. Try it. NOW. FUCKING NOW." I threw the canteen to Aidan, who nervously looked at it, and us. We all rolled our eyes, and heard tinkling against the metal canteen. Once we were sure he'd finished, we turned back around. He was stood tall, looking at the contents of the container with a nervous expression.
"Put some on your hoof." I grunted. He did just that; putting a tiny drop of piss onto his hoof and shakily putting his tongue onto it. His nervous red eyes went wide as he suddenly slammed the canteen to his...er, snout, swallowing every single drop of piss. Oh my god that sounded so messed up.
"JESUS THAT TASTES FUCKING AWESOME!" he yelled, bouncing up and down slightly.
"I KNOW! I FUCKING CALLED IT!" I replied, using my wings to propel myself into the air. I didn't realize how high I had gone until I opened my eyes.
I was hovering at about 100 metres in the sky, clouds right next to me as I breathed fresh air.
"HOLY FUCK, THIS IS AWESOME!" I shouted down to my friends, before grabbing a cloud and dragging it to the ground. I smiled smugly, bowed, and presented out new source of water.
"Drinks!" Harry yelled, pushing his snout into the cloud and slurping loudly as he swallowed water vapour. The other five of us followed suit, deeply gulping down gallons of water. In turn, that would become more...piss to drink. I'm not joking, the piss in Equestria tastes like I previously described.
I was going to love being Thunder Mustang. I was also going to love trying to mess up the course of Season One.

Escape the crowds! Dangerous. More fun than Vault Hunting, though...

After what seemed like ten minutes of listening to what AJ and RD would do if they received the ticket, Sky Wheel and I got bored and wandered off. The well trodden dirt path seemed longer than I remember it being in the show...
"No jobs here." I sighed, drooping my head. "Any luck with your girlfriend?"
"No," Sky groaned. "And she's not my girlfriend. Yet."
"Ha." I laughed. "Keep dreamin', lover boy."
"Yeah?" he retorted. "At least my goal is realistic. Princess Luna? Really?" After a moment of silence, I spoke.
"Fair play, bro." I said finally.
"Likewise." he nodded.
"Anyway; you think the house'll nearly be done?"
"Dunno. What do you think?"
"That's why I was asking you."
"Fine, fine. I'm assuming there's at least the frame structured."
"The roof, hopefully."
"Yep."
"And we'd better get individual rooms and/or beds. I'm not sleeping next to Solar. Ever."
"Shudder."
"Oh yeah."
"And, I hope it has doors that are at least durable."
"Why?"
"That time of the year...?"
"No...?"
"Spring Fever..."
"Mmmm...nah."
"..."
"What?"
"...Mating season."
"Oooooohhhh. You should have bloody said that." I laughed. Suddenly, I noticed where we were: central Ponyville."Wow, that was a longer conversation than I'd thought." I said, stopping to look around for the others. "Where are they?"

"Don't ask me. All I know is that Inferno most likely went to look for a job as library assistant." Sky chuckled, before leaning in close to my face. "If you know what I mean." With that, we both received confused looks as we burst out laughing.

When we finally did meet up, it turns out that Solar got the gem hunting job from Rarity. The pay wasn't too bad; 100 bits per day, but it wouldn't do much for 6 grown colts living under one roof. Letting out an audible, simultaneous sigh, we all headed to Gustav's restaurant and seated ourselves outside around a table.
"Oh god." I groaned. "100 divided by six is sixteen point six-six-six-recurring."
"You figured that out by yourself?" Solar asked unenthusiastically.
"Yep. That's my brain EMP'd for the next 25 years." I grunted, smacking my head on the table in boredom. Suddenly, an idea popped into my head to cut through the boredom like a katana through butter. Raising my head suddenly, and standing up, I looked at the others. "Wanna go check the house out?" I asked enthusiastically. The other 5 sighed, and nodded, before getting back up and trudging after me as I bounded down the road. I knew I had wings, but I simply neglected to use them, because jumping was more fu-
A huge mass of hooves threw me to the ground and trampled all over me, knocking every gram of air from my lungs and probably destroying my ribcage. For what felt like 2 minutes, I was crushed beneath hundreds of hooves, all desperately going in one direction. But thankfully, the assault on my body ceased as the crowd left. All I could really see was blurred, and slightly red. If I'd have been in better shape, I would have killed somepony for a second wind, but I would probably be executed by Celestia.
"Whoa." I heard Fire say from above me. In an almost film-like fashion, there were heads all around me in a circle. "What was that about?"
"Remember Episode 3? Where everypony chases Twilight?" Sky replied, looking at him.
"Oh, yeah, yeah I do." Fire laughed. "Looks like Thunder got the ticket...to Painville!" All the other 4 laughed.
"Yep." I groaned. "Fucking hilarious...now help me up."
"Well, let's not crowd around him." Inferno snorted.
"No, seriously, I'll kill somepony. I need a second wind."
"Whoa, calm down. Let's not go to the downtrodden part of our friendship." Solar laughed.
"I swear to god, help me up now before I kick you all in your non-existent dicks."
"I guess you could say-"
"ONE MORE PUN. ONE MORE FUCKING PUN, AND I WILL BITCH SLAP YOU SO GODDAMN HARD YOU'LL BE LOOKING AT YOUR ASS FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIVES." I growled. Almost immediately, 5 hooves shot out to help. Grinning, I grabbed Inferno's hoof and pulled myself up.
"There," I said as I dusted myself off. "That wasn't fucking hard, was it?"
"That's what she said." Sky said quickly.
"OOH, DAYUM." Solar yelled in his best black-guy voice.

"You know, I'm just gonna resist all temptations to make Pulp Fiction jokes and just usher you guys along to the house." I groaned. My ribs hurt still when I breathed. "Where's the Medic when you bloody need him...?" I muttered as we walked/hobbled down the road.

I resisted every urge to orgasm right then and there. The house looked awesome. It looked like a badass barn, with a fence surrounding its wonderful garden. Seriously, it looked better than Canterlot, took up a shitload of space, and had so many rooms. We felt like the most important ponies in Ponyville: even though we suck! So, all six of us just stood jaws agape, waiting to see what it would look like finished.
"Wooooow..." I murmured, not removing my gaze from the building in front. "I'm calling the window room." The latter comment was met with a loud 'GODDAMN IT, THUNDER!' from Solar and Ebony.
"Well, for all you know that room might be crap, so that is officially your room." Fire laughed. "Have fun in your cupboard."
"I will." I chuckled, before pulling my best Mr Bean face.
"Unnnfff..." Sky groaned from beside me. I looked, and saw him stretching out his wings and legs. "Inferno, Thunder, fancy a flight?"
"Sure," I replied, spreading out my impressive wingspan and pulling an awesome pose. "Where to?"
"Around Ponyville?"
"Yeah, I'm game." Inferno said, as he lifted into the air with hummingbird wing flaps.
"Alright, we'll just...ummm...go flirt with the girls...yeah." Solar said from near the fence. "Right guys?"
"Fuck off." Fire laughed, waving a dismissive hoof.
"Yeah, fuck off, Solar." Ebony grunted.
"Well, I'll go flirt?" Solar groaned, facehoofing.

"Go right on ahead:" I replied as I lifted into the air. "Nopony's stopping you." With that, we three pegasi soared off in the direction of Town Hall, dipping and weaving around clouds in our rapid travel around Ponyville.

During our flight, we spotted a familiar lavender unicorn fleeing from a huge crowd. We simply looked at each other, in a way that agreed on our next action: hero act. In a loose triangle formation, we dived behind the unicorn. I accelerated slightly, and tapped her on the shoulder as she ran.
"Need help?" I yelled over the roar of the crowd behind. Twilight turned her head, and smiled weakly.
"Yes, I suppose so." She replied. "Would you mind escaping with these tickets and meeting me back at the library?"
"No, of course I will!" I smiled. "Pass them here." Twilight obliged, levitating the tickets from an unseen location and...put them somewhere on me that I didn't see. It felt like my side, but I made sure they were secure before landing on my hooves. I tried to act casual.
"Hey! She gave them both to him!" I heard Colgate shout from the crowd. It felt like a million eyes were bearing down on me. My friends flew overhead, looked worried, before landing next to me. The whole crowd had changed course: now Ponyville was headed over here. I turned to Sky.
"You guys form a distraction, I'll get to the library!" I whispered.
"On it. Inferno: distraction." Sky hissed to the little olive-drab Pegasus.
Operation: get-the-fucking-tickets-back-to-Twilight-Sparkle's-library was underway.

Seriously. You guys know I hate Threshers, so you give me Thresher meat? Nice.

On a typical day of a normal person's life, they'd be enraged by the gossip column article and threaten to sue. I've not had a normal day so far, and I'm not normal: many obscenities echoed down the hall as I yelled out that the mole would soon find out about how to be strung up by her entrails. Celestia eventually gave up on her futile attempts to calm me down, before taking a more...hooves on approach.
If you know what I mean.
My yelling was cut short by a chair leg cracking me over the head. I yelled out in pain, grumbled to myself, before turning to the princess. She had a calm expression, was levitating an ebony chair in a golden aura, and stood firm.
"Done?" she asked casually. I felt blood running down my neck.
"Yep. Done." I grinned. "I needed that." Celestia smiled back as all ponies nearby chuckled.
"Too bad that didn't work the first time." she said as we continued down the hallways.
"Yeah..." I sighed. "Never fully fixed me, you know that, right?"
"Nothing could fix you, my little brony." she laughed. Celestia looked weirdly attractive without the regalia. Shaking those thoughts clear, I realised we had reached the dining room. The doors towered easily 20ft high, intricately decorated as though Chuck Norris had pissed on it.
"Here we are; the dining room." Celestia looked down at us.
"Why do I feel like these doors open outwards, and you're just looking for an excuse to bash me senseless with them?" I asked, looking at the doors.
"No, that's not my job." she sighed, before a smile returned to her face. "That's THEIR job." Celestia pointed a hoof at the guards either side. Both were stood calmly outside the door, rocking back and forth on their hooves, looking around, and generally being casual. I'd noticed that only Ponyville's guards seemed to be the stoic heroes; in Canterlot they seemed more laid back. Celestia's orders? I don't know. However, the guards inside the castle were stood as anypony would in the street. One was looking at me, grinning. The sound of magic being charged to my right caused me to look to the do-
WHAM!
A huge object plowed into my face, causing me to grunt in pain and reel back. My snout throbbed with pain, and I knew I'd get a nosebleed. Just before I could complain, however...
WHAM! WHAM! WHAM!
The door bashed into my face repeatedly, not even a second's delay between the impacts. I tasted copper, my vision was tunneling slightly, and all sounds were muffled. One sound, however, was much more prevalent amongst the others; roaring laughter. I turned around with a stagger as my balance was impaired, and looked down. Celestia was on the floor crying with laughter, smacking her hooves on the floor as her usually gentle manner disappeared. Thunderlane and Inferno Cloud lay beside her, snorting like pigs at my pain.
"Door's open!" the guard proclaimed smugly, gesturing to the door. As it were, the door opened the other way into the dining room, a confused looking Princess Luna sat at the end of a long table.
"You're drunk." she groaned, facehoofing.
"No," I whined back, barely keeping my balance, "Everypony seems to enjoy smacking me with something in this castle; a chair to the head, and now a 2 tonne door. If I'm honest, I'd prefer whatever the hell Twilight has organised in Ponyville to this."
"Hm." she replied as I began to trot into the room. "Thought you were drunk. Then I could utterly obliterate your mind with hallucinations."
"Yeah, you're fun." I grinned. I reached the table and looked. In front of each seat, there was a fine set of dining objects and a name plaque. Each one was engraved into gold, with another engraving of the owner's cutie mark. I looked for the one bearing the 'cloud-and-iron-sights' emblem along with my name, and sat down. I looked over, and saw that Celestia, Inferno, and Thunderlane trotting into the room, eyes still red from the tears of laughter. The moment they were seated, as though them taking their positions were some invisible linchpin, the waiters came in. At the side of the doorway with the waiters trotting out stood a griffon in a chef hat
"Gentlecolts, princesses!" he greeted warmly in a hint of Russian accent. "It is a glorious day for-"
Capitalism. Please say Capitalism.
"-fine dining!" he finished.
Aw. Why did he not make the reference...he seems like a nice guy, though.
"I believe two of you have developed the fine tastes of griffins?" he asked, looking at Inferno, Thunderlane, and myself. Inferno and I raised our hooves in a quick wave. "You have fine tastes, and I am proud to serve you..." A waiter placed a platter in front of us, steaming steak on it. "...Thresher Steaks!" It looked very good. Succulent, brown steak, oregano sprinkled on top, with salad by the side. It was nearly impossible to believe that it was at one point a deadly predator: now it was my dinner.
"Thank you, it looks fantastic." I grinned to the chef. He nodded, and turned to Thunderlane.
"For you, young stallion, I give you..." Another waiter appeared in front of him. "...Marijuana plant!" I nearly spat out what was in my mouth and whispered to Inferno.
"Did he just say marijuana?" I whispered.
"Think he did." Inferno replied. "Smoke weed erry day."
"Goddamn you and your pun stealing."

"Bitch please."

"Sorry for the whole 'smacking-you-in-your-ugly-face-with-a-door' thing." Celestia grinned. I rolled my eyes.
"Sure you are." I groaned.
"Now, now, let's not discuss how much fun it is to bash Thunder Mustang silly." Luna chuckled, taking a bite of some salad. "If we hit him too much he might break."
I pulled my best Nicholas Cage face. "You don't say?"
"Ok, Ok, we get it. You all hate each other. You're all mares." Inferno sighed, eating his steak. "On a brighter note, I am eating one of Terramorphus' cousins and slash or brothers."
"I know." I laughed. "Soon...WE SHALL EAT HIM."
"Doubt it." Thunderlane replied. "He'll probably eat you first."
"Or impale you on his tentacles." Luna added.
"Or burning you with a beam." Celestia continued.
"Or lobbing rocks at you and crushing you." Inferno said.
"Maybe he'll fire a crystal shard at you." Celestia replied.
"What about bitch-slapping you into submission, throwing crystal shards and rocks at you, all the while burning you with a laser." Luna finished. We all went quiet.
"Then he eats you." a guard called from over the room. I looked, and saw a few guards nodding in agreement as Aerlion rubbed his spear, grinning smugly.
"Screw you too, Aerlion." I called back.
"You too." he shot back.
"But I think we all know who's going to bitch-slap him." Celestia finally smiled.
"Who?" we all asked simultaneously.
"Lulu, especially when they're in bed together." I saw all the colour drain from the night-princess' face, as she went a cyan colour rather than deep blue.
"Y-You know?" she stammered.
"The whole of Canterlot knows, probably the whole of Equestria by now." I muttered.
THUMP.
"Yep. Knew she'd faint." Celestia sighed, levitating her younger sister into the air and getting up.
"Poor dear." Inferno sighed.
"I will bitch-slap you." I growled. "Remember my threat from the first few days? That I'd rip your arms off and bitch-slap you with them until you're permanently looking at your ass?"
"Yes." Inferno grunted, swigging his drink.
"Still stands." Celestia finished for me as she left the room. She paused just before she left the room. "Except I'll do it wearing my old combat armour boots." With that, she left, leaving the guards, and us, stunned. Finally, one guard spoke up.
"I'm not the only one imagining Celestia in some really skimpy armour and dominating that guy, right?" he asked.
"No." came the group reply.

No guns? What the hell kind of western town is this?!

Gradually, the train screeched to a halt at the station. Wheels squeaked in protest, I assume the train drivers/pulling bitches passed out when we stopped, and it was a town. Having described everything, I boldly stepped out of the door. 40 bits were in a small wallet that seemed to stick to my side with no problem, and I had every intent to buy a gun, a hat, or both. Maybe some other crap. I didn't really mind that Celestia was attempting to blind us; I could probably stare at the sun, it'd try to fry my brain, but fail because it's already broken.
"Whew, sure is hot here." Applejack claimed loudly.
"Yep." I replied as the orange mare came up beside me. We looked out over the town. "Temperature's not gonna put me off buying a hat. Hats are cool."
"Ah bet y'all wanna buy a hat." she laughed, bumping a hoof on my leg. "But first, we're gunna go meet mah cousin Braeburn."
"Alright, just don't expect me not to return with some hat."
"Make sure it's fittin' Rarity's style templates. She's been handin' 'em to all of us; she says ah can't wear fancy platform shoes, for example."
"Well, screw dat shit." I snorted. "Nopony's telling me what the hell I can and can't wear. I'm gonna frickin' wear socks and sandals, BEE-YATCH."
"Oh no you don't." Rarity chimed in. A small piece of paper bearing my cutie mark was throust into my hoof. On the other side, it had a bunch of 'Style Guidelines' pertaining to me. More specifically, everything I enjoyed. 'No sunglasses', 'None of those foul 'dog tags', especially not named ones', and my personal favourite one to ignore, 'No belts'. "You're going to follow these guides like a good little colt, and you and I will continue our glorious friendship."
"Mm. Do holsters count as belts?" I asked.
"Holsters?" she queried, cocking an eyebrow.
"Right. You know that weapon we first arrived with? The pistol?"
"Yes, go on."
"Well, holsters were specifically designed to carry such weapons in order for you to have your ha-errmmm, hooves free for your other weapon."
"Sounds fine, darling. So long as you don't have it pink: pink and blue don't mix."
Yesh. Shucshesh.
"Ok. Noted." I replied. I turned to Ebony. "Hear that, Ebony? We can wear holsters!"
"Yay!" he cheered.
"Well, let's meet this Braeburn sumbitch. Where is he?" I asked.
"Hmmm...ah dunno. Ah last came here 'bout 3-4 years ago. Said he'd either see us at 'The Salt Bar' or on this platform." Applejack replied.
"Ohhh, shame. I'd better just go and buy a gun from some shop somewhere." I sighed as I began to trot away. A sudden grabbing on my tail halted me.

"Oh, no ya don't!" Rainbow laughed. "We're meetin' this guy as a team!" In the background, I heard Sky casually humming 'America, FUCK YEAH!' to himself.

"I'm bored to hell."
"Same."
"Agreed."
"Ditto."
"Yeah."
"I once heard about some soldier on sentry duty. Got so bored he shot himself in the foot to cut the idleness. I feel like him, right now."
"Fuck you."
"Agreed."
I was no longer sure who was saying what: Applejack and the girls were inside, leaving their four boyfriends and two friends outside. Us, basically. Apparently, it was about their apple orchard or some shit, but that was worth ignoring right now.
"I want to go but a hat." I muttered. "Maybe some cigars and a lighter."
"Damn, I've always wanted a cigar." Solar replied with a groan. "And a hat."
"If it's possible, I'll buy a hat and cigars. Then, TRUE western feel. None of this 'Appaloosa Salt Drinkin' Adventure' or some shit."
"How the fuck do they get pissed from salt?" Ebony snorted from his lying down position under the oak tree shadow. "Still don't get that."
"Maybe it's Russian salt vodka piss jarate. The strongest salt." Inferno noted.
"Maybe salt here switches purposes with alcohol: salt for drink, beer for chip topping." Sky laughed.
"Maybe they just can't handle the salt." I added.
"I bet they're all Jewish." Solar muttered. We blankly stared at him for a moment, before bursting out laughing.
"What the hell does that have to do with anything?!" I wheezed.
"Well, Jewish people, like, can't...something. So they get pissed off condiments."
"I'll fucking bet they do." Fire laughed. "But seriously, Jew jokes in Equestria? Don't friggin' bring them up."
"Fine..." Solar sighed, before perking up again. "Hey, do you think they have guns here?"
"Yeah, it's a western town, I wonder if they do...?"
"If they do, Jakobs puns will be abundant." I added.
"Wanna go check it out?" Sky asked. "Maybe we can buy hats."

"Yeah." came the group reply. As we trotted off, I turned back and saw Twilight looking at us through the window. I gave her a wave, and we continued.

"Can't believe a frickin' frontier town hasn't got guns." Solar grumbled. The last shop, 'Buck Wild's Home Defence', only sold daggers, bows, crossbows, and such other primitive crap. However, I bought something reminiscent of Sniper's hat from TF2, so I was happy to use my Australian accent when I wore it.
"Okay, mate." I replied. I'd elected to sir under the oak tree again when we got back to the ranch. The girls were still inside, and since we had already used our money to buy head apparel, our plans of buying 12 salt cubes were dashed. "Wish those bloody big 'eads would finish up."
"Aye." Ebony replied, mocking Demoman.
"Da." Inferno added. "Ve fight like men; not vait around like pussies."
"But of course." Solar sighed. He was lying on top of a small bench, basking in the warmth. "I was paid to kill RED, not wait for BLU."
"We take this too far, mates." I finished. "Let's just 'ave a snooze." Before any arguments could be made, I sat against the tree, lowered my hat brow, and practically passed out.

Buffalos...bloody big'ead pikeys...flamin' jarate the lot of 'em, I say...

I contemplated my next move after a good 10 minutes of setting up shelter and lighting a now roaring fire. One possibility, I thought, would be to sneak in and listen to their conversations. However, since I didn't have a Dead Ringer and I'm not Zer0 or Spy, that would be tough as hell is hot. Maybe I could sneak in, listen to their conversations, and sneak out again, before returning up to my perch so I could rest up for my journey back to Appaloosa. Then it hit me.
That was the exact same plan I came up with before that.
Facehoofing, I straightened my hat and sat on the floor of the shelter. It was simply a fabric tent, about 5 metres by 10 metres, and came with a folding stool, cushion, table, and pot for cooking. Simple, but I was still surprised the Buffalo below hadn't detected it. I muttered some unintelligible things along the lines of 'fat bastards', 'bloody pikeys', 'bloody spying', and 'I wish I had a Huntsman right now', before looking up at the moon. Craters dotted it, it seemed as though it were only a few thousand miles above, and it was practically a sun. Except it was still dark. I didn't spend too long watching it; after about 10 minutes I got up, removed my ever-faithful jacket-thing, lay it on the table, and sat on a large rock under the stars. Fire crackling and setting my perch up with a sunset gold glow, I leaned back.

"Wonder what my bloody family's doing right now...?" I asked myself. I hadn't thought of Earth at all since I was in Equestria; mainly because I didn't want to go back. But still: what would they be doing? Had my parents returned? Had my brother stopped being a dicksack? I didn't know. I still don't. Sighing at my lack of sunglasses, I closed my eyes and quietly slept under the moon.

Evening, Thunder.
Hey Luna. You alright?
I am, don't know about you though.
Why? What's wrong?
Well, I was looking through your mind, and since I'd abused all of it, which I know you enjoyed-
Well...yes. I...kind of did. But, erm, go on.
Ok then, well, I looked to the...darker corners. Does the name 'Ishimura' mean anything to you?
Yes, Dead Space. Why bring it u-oh, you went aboard, didn't you...?
I did, actually. Met a rather charming fellow named Isaac, we fought strange creatures together, his girlfriend died, sadly, and just as we left some creepy fucking zombie jumped him in the cockpit of some kind of escape ship. I never got to see his face but I will never forget you, Mr Isaac.
Sooooooo...you're worried because I have a mental safety catch of a loaded Air Rifle? Why'd that worry you?
Yes, I kind of am. You have an ALIEN PARASITE IN YOUR MIND. On board a SPACESHIP, containing a man called ISAAC. Of course I'd be worried!
Well, it won't affect you until the damn things jump out from your cupboard, crawl down your throat and turn you into one of them as you sleep.
Words of reassurance?
Yep. Sleep with one eye open tonight. Can't have my massage target turned into a Necromorph, can I? No. Plus, it wouldn't bring out the masses of sex appeal in your eyes.
Yes, Lulu. It certainly wouldn't.
Oh, no...
What are we discussing, guys?
Cadence, 'sup?
Nothin' much, bro. What's the word on the street, dawg?
Well, I'm spyin' on dem Buffalo thugs, savin' da hood in case they try and, like, bust a cap in our asses, you know what I'm saaaaayin'?
Safe, safe, bro! Keepin' dem folks alive in case dem goons try and get on yo turf, dat's cool. Yo, Celly girl, got any weed, man?
Damn right I do, man. 25 bits for a joint, dawg. You in?
I'm...not sure what's going on right now?
Neither do I.
Yo man, who da hell are you? Whatchoo doin' on dis turf, dawg?
My name is Captain Shining Armor. Who are you?
Yo Thunder, I want y'all to meet my home-boy Shining. We're gonna be getting hooked up pretty damn soon, dawg.
Damn, respect! Put her here, bro!
A hoof bump? Alright then.
-CLOP-
Dayum, son! You got one hell of a sick hoof bump, bro.
Thank you...Thunder, was it?
Yep.
Well, anyway. So I hear one of your friends is dating my sister? Twilight Sparkle?
Yes, he is. Apparently they're both having the time of their lives.
Ha, yeah. I can hear the moans from Canterlot!
Try sleeping in the same house as those two and 3 other mares that are dating my friends. All elements of harmony: lucky sods.
Oooh, that must be like having a...a...um...what are those creepy things called? The weird zombie things on board the Ishimura over there?
Cool, you've been there too? Those are Necromorphs. A parasite. More accurately, a bug to squish. Even more accurately, terrifying mother-fuckers that vomit in your mouth, eviscerate you, impale you, decapitate you, eat you, rip your arms off, bite your neck open, scream at you, or crawl into your mouth and turn you into one of them.
Sounds like fun, actually. Do they bleed?
I like you already! Yes, they bleed. A lot. Especially when you cut their arms off.
Been there, done that, got the mental scarring to prove it.
You know...that sounds fun. I might go kill some.
You'll happily kill things?
Eventually, after having to put up with Blueblood for five minutes, there comes a point where you NEED a release.
Yeah, I see where you're coming from. Just make sure none go in your mouth, alright? You want an extra challenge, only use what you find on the floor. Including dismembered limbs.
Oh, I will. Break into your mind again soon. See ya.
Ha. I swear your mind is like a playground of random cruelty. I like it here.
Thank you. Stay as long as you want, and don't die; I have to clean up the exploded corpses, you know.
As you wish. I'll try not to scar you too much, but maybe the odd hallucination. Just remember you can't shoot it. Heh Heh.
That reminds me, what've you managed to learn from the gun so far?
A lot. We're trying to approve them for law enforcement usage. Soon, you might see a guard walking past with his Royal Manufactured FARMAS.
Just going to ignore the pun you made. Seriously, I'm probably going to wake up now. Bye. Just...don't make puns. Please.

Seriously, another one of Discord's plans backfires? Clone of me? Really? What the hell kind of shitstorm has he planned?!

Finally, after several ~~visits to the Mann Co. Store to buy buckets of black paint and keys~~ hours of sitting in a stuffy room, with nothing but the fumes emanating from the black paint and the Afterburner to keep me company, I had removed the Blueblood crest from the rifle welded to the flamethrower. However, I had also managed to somehow get spare metal from PAINTING, which was possibly the most ridiculous thing that had happened since Monday. Deciding against going downstairs and hitting somepony with the metal, I stuck it in a drawer, and hefted the Afterburner. Now I had painted it black in places, I stuck it near a window-sill and left it to dry in Celestia's sun. Pleased I had wasted enough time, I began to trot downst-
SMASH
Glass spattered everywhere, some fragments lodging themselves in my hoof, causing me to yell in pain and fall over. To be honest, it was one of those months where physics was an absolute dick to me. Lying sideways on the wooden floor, probably on some exceedingly painful shards of glass, I could make out the image of me lying directly opposite, wincing in pain, just like I was. I realised I was looking in the mirror.

Was I?

"Sup..." the other me groaned, clutching his side. I blinked away the dust from my eyes.
"Errrm...hi?" I replied cautiously, standing up shakily. I could really feel the glass digging into my hooves, pressing painfully and preventing me from putting any weight on my right foreleg, and left hind-leg. My clone was getting up, when there was the loud scrambling of hooves coming up the stairs. Fire was the first one up, easily detected by the fact he was wearing my skull-hat proudly on his head as though it were a status symbol. A status symbol originally belonging to me, that is.
"The hell happened here?" he boomed. "And who the hell is this joker? Which one's the real Thunder?"
"I am. This guy just flew through the damn window." I groaned. My clone nodded, something I didn't expect.
"Yep." he sighed, rubbing his temple with a hoof. A trickle of blood was coming from his hair. "First thing I can remember is appearing in front of that Discord guy. He started to explain that he wanted me to get rid of you so that I could 'spread mayhem and chaos' in your image. So, I assumed that he wanted me to kill you, and I'm not really in the mood to kill anypony. Plus, he started laughing about 'how I'm as ugly as the original'."
"What's going o-OK, why are there two of my coltfriend?" Luna asked. She looked kind of confused, kind of neutral, mostly pleased, and was pulling a strangely seductive face.
"He's a clone." I sighed, pointing at the other me.
"That I am." he agreed, raising a hoof.
"Well, you're just as handsome." Luna smiled. He smiled back, and winked.
"Standing right here..." I muttered, rolling my eyes.
"I guess you'll be the stand-in for when the original Thunder's ill." she beamed, before moving over and hugging him. He returned the hug, before moving a hoof to her flanks. Luna nuzzled him even more.
"Prick." I groaned. "Where's Inferno?"
"Mopping it up." Fire said.
"Ugh. Where's Ebony?"
"Disappeared in a flash of golden light for obvious reasons."
"Solar?"
"Don't even fucking go there."
"You know, I have every intent to just go to sleep and never wake up again right now." I groaned, facehoofing. "There's a clone of me being perverted towards my marefriend, Inferno's downstairs mopping up his own bodily fluids, Solar's out doing dreadful things, Ebony is probably having sex with a sun goddess, Sky's...?"
"Left."
"To where? Where the FUCK could be more interesting than here?!"
"Canterlot."
"Oh, this is BULLSHIT." I yelled in frustration, before stomping over and grabbing the Afterburner, before bitch-slapping my clone. "YOU. HELP US."
"What?! But...I...ugh, shit." The clone rubbed the side of his face, drooped his shoulders, and nodded. "When can I get a weapon?"
"Find one yourself, Discord turned my AWP into bloody summer fruits." I replied angrily, before turning to everypony else in the room. "Arm up, we're gonna go kill a chaos god." Fire, being the one who would enjoy this sort of thing, saluted, and disappeared to his room in a cartoonish dust cloud. He returned seconds later, wearing the armour from the Terry Incident, plus a Griffonian Football helmet.
"YEAH, I'M FUCKIN' PUMPED BITCHES!" he yelled, jogging on the spot and gradually eroding the floor away with his spiked steel boots. "LET'S ALL GO BLAZE UP THE FIRE TRAIL!"
"ALL ABOARD THE COLE TRAIN, BABY!" I yelled back, getting into the mood. My clone raised the flash grenade I had forgotten existed, and he pulled out the other grenade from the box.
"THUNDER GOES BOOM, MOTHA-FUCKAS!" he screamed. Luna was sort of staring at us like we'd gone crazy. We were interuppted by the sound of tiny hoofsteps coming up the stairs. Inferno appeared, wearing an iron helmet. He clearly hadn't bothered to clean it: I could see the tiny flakes of rust crumbling off the aged metal.
"I cleaned it up!" he cheered, pumping a hoof. "And plus, just so I'm not left out, A CLOUD'S HEADED FOR CANTERLOT, AND THAT CLOUD IS THE INFERNO CLOUD, BITCHES!"
"Errm...OK?" Luna muttered, before a blue sword appeared, levitated in her aura. "Let's do this." We all stopped, and glared at her. She looked confused, before she finally understood. "Damn it, fine. Ahem, hold on...right. LET'S SEND THAT MOTHA-FUCKA INTO ETERNAL NIGHT, BITCHES!" We cheered, waving our weapons around.
"COLE TRAIN, BABY!" I whooped, shaking the Afterburner Pyro style.

Is like Left 4 Dead. But is no helicopter to come pick tiny baby Changelings up. Are stuck with me. I kill.

I ran alongside the others as we entered the streets. It was crowded with ponies all fleeing as the Changelings tore down from the sky like shitty ODST cosplayers, and slammed into the floor to do their buggy shit. Twilight was at the helm, as usual, and for once we were all back together again. Except Ebony, who I saw being strung up in a Changeling rape pod with Celestia. It's be good for him once Celestia woke up and was pressed right into him, but right now he was down, and we had no means of slaughter besides things that would make the Geneva convention arrest me, as usual.

"OK, guys, here's the plan!" Twilight shouted back over the buzzing and screaming and explosions. "We head to the Hall of the Elements, 'cause they're our only hope right now! But the door'll be locked and can only be opened by Celestia, so we'll need Thunder to get one of his new allies to break it down! We get the Elements, fight our way back, and stop the Changelings once and for all! We clear, guys?"

"Yeah!" was the simultaneous reply. Just then, a Changeling fucked himself over by slamming down right in front of us. It let out a screech, and stood up, trying to intimidate us, but this is the funny bit. Frustrated, and sick of all their shit, I assume, Twilight yelled her head off and blasted his head into dog food, before running off again in the direction of the hall. I smirked. Looks like I'm not the only one with sanity or lack thereof.

"Bloody hell, you're awful!" Bush snorted down the mic. In the background, a crack could be heard, as well as the sound of a Bowie knife slicing through chitin. "Nice try, mate, but I'm the best!" I smirked at his quoting. But just before I could reply, something caught my eye. A shop, filled with 'Personal Defense Weapons'.

Guns, basically.

I laughed. "Guys, check it out!" I hefted a piece of broken stone and threw it right at the window, smashing it. The others stopped, before getting the idea and running over. Rarity seemed hesitant, although Fluttershy was already packing a Dhoenix in each hoof and a slightly psychotic grin.

"Oh, hohohoooo!" Sky chuckled, picking up an assault rifle. "Fuck, this'll be fun!"

"Thunder!" Rarity said angrily. "This is no time for looting, let alone shooting! I refuse to partake in such vulgar acts!" She held her head high and frowned. I snarled, picked up a shotgun, and offered it to her.

"Take the gun." I growled. "NOW." She glared at me.

"No." she said firmly, stomping a hoof. I laughed to myself.

"Ahahaha, ahhhh, it wasn't a question." I replied. "Take the bloody shotgun. Put fucking glitter and ribbons on it, for all I bloody care, prettify this shit, but FUCKING TAKE IT."

"Oh, Thunder, it wasn't an option for you to ask again." Rarity shot back, glaring at me. "I refuse to partake in such violent acts, especially under YOUR guidance! You'd have us trying to kill foals if you could!"

"No, that's only on Mondays, NOW TAKE THIS FUCKING SHOTGUN OR I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL FUCKING KILL YOU." I flared out my sentry wings for more emphasis, both making the bleep noise and aiming lasers at her forehead. It worked, as she emitted a nervous giggle and cowered, taking the weapon in her magical grasp. I smirked triumphantly, and span Flip in my hoof idly. Skipped Beat was arming himself with high ammo, high fire rate SMGs, which was bloody incredible that it was publicly for sale. I would bring it up later with some Parliamentarians that helped make gun laws, or lack thereof. Twilight was carrying some smooth looking throwing knives. I trotted over and smirked.

"Thought you didn't like human ways of sorting things out?" I laughed. She rolled her eyes, and chuckled.

"Well, it works, yes?"

"Yes, it does."

"How well?"

"Too well."

"Good."

"Yup."

"Nice conversation."

"Likewise. INFERNO!" I said sharply. The small Pegasus was in front of me quickly, mock-saluting. "In the bag over my wings there should be a compartment labelled 'Rage-Mode'. Get out the bandana and Cellyban sunglasses." I felt my bag being opened, and said items being removed and placed in my waiting hoof. "Danke." I replied, tying the bandana over my snout and holding the Cellybans in the other hoof.

"What now?" Twilight asked as we gathered around.

"Let's go kill some hippies!" I snorted, putting the sunglasses on and holding a shotgun over my head. We all roared, and charged down the road. It was too quiet in the area, so we went faster in case it got quieter. Just as we reached the corner to the 'Harmony Lane', we halted. Literally nothing could be heard.

"Guys," I whispered as we all crowded in one street corner. "Something's up. Twilight, peek your head around the corner, since you seem brave today."

"Fine." she grumbled, before peering around the corner. She relaxed, before looking back and rolling her eyes. "Cool it guys, there's just guards." Before anypony could walk out, I held a hoof out.

"Not likely." I snorted, before looking myself. There was a whole horde of guards, looking stoic. But, their one mistake was that two on the front row looked exactly the same, since they were BOTH Shining Armor. I knew he was derped up on mind-control in the wedding hall, so they failed there. I cocked my shotgun, before going over the mic.

"Guys, shit's happened here. There's thousands of Changelings."

"Ya don't fuckin' say?!" Six yelled, as the sound of a submachine gun firing was heard in the background. "We've got these, deal with 'em yerself!" The radio cut out, before Rock took over.

"Tell Rock where tiny bug cowards hide! I will kill them with Dmitri's power!" he shouted.

"We're near the entrance to the Harmony Hall!" I whispered. "There's thousands of disguised Changelings outside as guards, and we need help clearing the route to the Elements. Think you could blast their shit with Dmitri?"

"Da." replied a sudden voice. Literally seconds had passed and the Tigerian Tank was already here. After we had all recovered from cardiac arrest, we nodded. "We are here to crush cowards. Let us begin."

"OK." Rainbow said calmly. "I have a plan. If one of us serves as a distraction by going out and seeing what they do, we can all attack while they have no idea where we are. Sound good?"

"Good plan, Dashie!" Pinkie giggled, 'party/artillery' cannon in tow. "Wanna go kill those mother-fucking bitch-ass sons of whores right now?" We all went silent at the outburst. Rock just stared blankly.

"Da. Purple Smart and Thunder are distraction, because are couple, da?" Twilight and I had our ears prick up.

"Ah, no, sorry, I'm with Inferno here." Twilight said quickly, blushing. "Not Thunder."

"Njet, is mistake, Rock is sorry, Purple Smart. Thunder go alone now." Before I could say anything, I was shoved out, and dumped in the middle of the road. Immediately hundreds of eyes stared at me. I picked myself up, dusted myself off, and looked back at them.

"'Sup, faggots?" I asked calmly. Sure enough, they replied.

"Citizen!" one 'guard' boomed, stepping forward. "Place your weapon on the floor and get down on the ground!"

"Nah, I'm fine." I replied casually. "Nice offer though. I'm here to pick up the Elements, y'know, to stop your shitty queen 'n' stuff? So, if you'd move, that'd be cool, Kay?"

"You do not order around the Captain of the Royal Guard, citizen!" 'Shining Armor' shouted. "Surrender your weapon!"

"I said no, I won't give you my Strange Shotgun for free, sod off, you Free-to-Play bitch." I called back, and I began approaching. Green magic was charged, and that was all I needed.

"Guys, let's fuck 'em up!" I yelled back. A split-second later and Rock charged out, ROCKET FUCKING JUMPED, and fired 3 missiles at the Changelings. They immediately exploded, and that's when shit began to fuck up.

Well, for me.

As usual.

God, why couldn't I just have a day of Luna's ass?

Lüt Fest. Free hats for wedding, very nice.

"So, how're we gonna do this, Dok?" I asked as we trotted all the way down to the end with a cart full of keys. "How do we split this loot?"
"Well, as far as I'm interested, I may only require items designed for my type, for instance medi-guns and hats," he replied, "If anything else catches my eye, I'll have it, but otherwise you're free to have anything else, ja?"
"Alright, seems like a good deal." I nodded. Finally, we reached the section we were looking for; Crate #19. Doktor said these were the first lot of crates to contain Strange weapons that could count kills made with them, or other stats, so we agreed that this was probably the best place to start. We locked the wooden cart on a nearby steel pole that was holding up the platform that held more crates, and Dok removed one key as he adjusted his glasses. He moved to the first crate that was sat on its own, and bent down. I sat beside him. The crate was large, much larger than I'd have expected. The lock was old and tired, looked huge. A small note, attached to the chain with string, seemed to be a shared feature amongst all crates.
The writing was impossible to read, but there was a big stamp on it that said that it got signed by SAXTON HAAAAAAALE, so I was fine with that. Dok turned to me with a grin.
"Would you like to do the honours, meine freunde?" he asked, before offering the gleaming key out with a hoof.
"Nah, you can do it." I replied. "After all, you spent money on these keys, and spent years gathering these crates, so you deserve to open it." He shrugged, and practically rammed the key into the lock. After a few seconds, the chains began to fall off and the lid began to open. But slowly. Suddenly, a crowd cheered loudly, despite there being no crowd nearby. Inside the box, there was a lot of straw, but in the middle, something metal and gleaming was poking out.
Dok cautiously reached in, grabbed the object, and pulled it out with both hooves. When he drew it, I couldn't believe it.
Strange Eyelander
He frowned, and tossed the sword in my direction as I scrambled to catch it. "Ach, Ich can't use this in das surgery. And I can barely lift it anyway. It's yours."
"Cheers." I smirked as I gazed upon this new blade. It was possibly the sexiest weapon I have ever seen, and it was ENGLISH! Well, it's actually Scottish, but who gives a toss?! Scotland is part of the UK at the time this was written, so God save the bloody Queen! Just as Dok went to get another key, and I was on my own, I heard a voice.
"Heeeeeads..." it whispered. "Headheadheeaad..."
"Ohh, it's haunted." I whistled giving it an idle twirl. Just then, Doktor returned with another key.
"Next box?" he smiled as we moved to another box.

The whole day went like that; Doktor had a bunch of new hats and weapons, I had a complete Demoknight item set, and I was still amazed at how the Ponyfied versions of these weapons were still as awesome as the originals. So, I received open mouthed stares as I walked through the palace whilst wearing the Dark Age Defender, a Strange Eyelander, Chargin' Targe, a Strange Loch and Load, my Tooth Kicker boots, and the Tavish Degroot Exerience. And a fake beard, because who doesn't love beards.
The only problem with my Demo-Swag was that I would have a weird Scottish accent, so things tended to sound more insulting than they were. I also felt slightly weaker, since I was carrying the Eyelander, which from what I remember of TF2, removes 25 health. But sword on my back, shield on my arm, fuzzy beard warming my face, spiky armour making me look creepy, and a Jimmi Hendrix hat on my head, I felt like the most important man in town.
Just then, Blueblood walked around the corner, and stared at me in disgust.
"Ugh, what are you WEARING, you peasant?" he asked in a bitchy voice. "Take it off!"
"Ach, noooo!" I replied, dismissing him with a hoof. The unicorn growled, and turned away slowly, before snapping back to face me. This time, he had a terribly made version of the Afterburner pointed at me.
"Ahaha!" he laughed. "Who's in charge now?" I frowned and stared at his crude weapon. Guards, maids, and other servants stopped to watch this 'confrontation'.
"That's a right pretty bra washer ye've built, ye big ugly girl." I said in my Scottish accent. He glared at me, and prepared to-
WHAM
I yelled loudly and charged forward with the Chargin' Targe, throwing Blueblood all the way across the hallway and out of an open door. Luckily for him, he landed in a fountain and made himself look like a pillock in front of some mare he was courting, who just happened to be outside and staring at him. The crowd 'oooh'd at my display of 'fuck you Blueblood', before clapping. I performed a quick spin on my rear hooves and recreated Demoman's Sticky Bomb launcher taunt, before heading to dinner.

The dining table was silent as all three Princesses, Shining Armor, the Elements, the lads, and the members of A-Team (whom I had invited, 'cause I'm a bloke like that) gawped at my swag. Celestia cleared her throat first.
"Thunder, dear," she began, keeping her etiquette, "I hope you don't mind me inquiring into what the bloody hell you're wearing?"
"Chargin' Targe, Tooth Kickers, Eyelander, Tavish Degroot Experience, Loch and Load, and a Dark Age Defender." Inferno answered for me. "Those weapons strange?"
"Bloody right." I replied in my accent. "I smashed into that bastard Blueblood earlier with the Chargin' Targe bash. It was funny, 'cause he smacked his noggin on a marble fountain and Doctors are saying he's speaking Griffonian because of his wee knock to the head. He'll be a Frenchy for a few days." I received more confused looks.
"Why do you have an accent?" Cadence asked. The pink mare looked worried and happy at the same time, as usual.
"I don't bleedin' know." I replied sharply. "Maybe it's all these items. All I know is that I need to please the spirit o' this haunted blade." I drew the Eyelander, and rested it on my shoulder. "I got some bloody good shit today, lads. Some bloody good shit."
"Where from?" Ebony asked quickly. I considered what Dok said about sharing the stuff, then realised that he lay down the deal.
"Dok. He has a shit load o' boxes, shit load o' keys, I'm givin' him a hand openin' them. He said it's more difficult tae share betw'en 7 or 8 people, but if I get less things 'cause I'm sharin', so be it."
"Can we go down tomorrow?" Fire asked.
"Aye," I replied. "And bring a cart, items will be unboxed, boyo!"
"I wonder if he has any Salvaged crates?" Sky smirked. "Imagine getting a PDA."
"Yeah, or a Gunslinger alongside that!" Inferno added.
"What are they talking about...?" Twilight asked Rarity from over the table. I could see the mares of the table, minus Cadence, Pinkie, and Flutterst, were all looking unenthusiastic about their lovers geeking out over this stuff. Rarity's straight, miserable face said it all.
"Hey girls, wanna have an orgy?" she said to get our attention. None of us listened.
"...oh, and I need to get some bloody heads fer me Eyelander!" I laughed, leaning in my chair.
"OK, Rarity," Twilight added, also looking annoyed. "I'll go get the lingerie."
"I bet I'll unbox a Strange Pain Train." Fire said, and we all laughed loudly.
"Celly," Luna frowned, looking to Celestia. "Fancy a spot of incest?"
"Certainly Lulu." Celestia frowned.
"I hope I get a Sticky Jumper at one point." Inferno added. "Or a Holy Mackerel, because fish."
"I hope I get a Strange Bottle, because the Whiskey in that is ridiculously powerful." Ebony added. "Nad d'you know what else we all want?"
"Attention?" the girls asked hopefully. We boys frowned at them.
"NO." I said in a firm Demoman way.
"HATS!" the other lads replied, before we all got up and ran out the room in search of hats.
Just then, Moony appeared in my head.
Thunder, who's this other guy in here?
What do you mean?
He's wearing medieval armour, he's Scottish, and keeps running a hoof under my chin whilst saying 'heads' in a creepy way.
Oh, that guy? He's the Eyelander Spirit. Keep him amused, because he gives power to those who take heads with his blade.
Hmm. And get better taste in hats, please. Get a Hustler's Hallmark, you'll look like a pimp.
And that's good?
For me, yes. It's sexy.
Heeeeaaaadsss...
Sweet, this guy talks to me?
Heads heads heads...
I can relate to this dude. Please, tell me more.
Claim their heads...heads heads...remove the heads, I will reward your collected heads...heeeeeaaaaadddssss...take their headdssss..

He kept talking for a whole hour, and Moony got so bored I think I heard her cloning herself in my head, just so she could have sex with herself...
Wow, that gives me wood just remembering that, and the fact she's probably doing it now...nff.

Side-Story; I am now concerned about everythin-ohhh, dat flank.

At 12:00PM, I had finished writing the letter to Medic. After all, he'd been out of action for years, it's be nice to show that somepony cares for the guy. I quickly read it over.
Doktor,
Just thought you might have wanted something to do, so I found a thingy to keep you amused. Every Nightmare Night, a ghostly cemetery appears on the outskirts of Ponyville, and contains monsters and freaks of huge power and 'silliness'. So, as a form of thanks for letting me help you open those boxes, I thought you might want to visit a legitimately haunted cemetery, dig up some graves, then experiment on the creatures. Not trying to be rude, but that's the kind of thing you'd enjoy.
So, if you're interested, pop us a reply letter and come on down here at 10:00 AM on Sunday. I'll pick you up from the train station, get you settled into our house so you have somewhere to stay for a of couple days, then we can loot some corpses. If you need to bring anything else, don't hesitate to, since we have no idea what the hell is in that cemetery, or what kind of shit might emit from the corpses.
Anyway, cheers,
- Thunder
After confirming there were no grammar mistakes, hidden messages or miraculously appearing Nazi propaganda, I folded it up, put it in an envelope, and set it next to my satchel. I leaned back in my chair and sighed, rubbing both now-normal hooves in my face. Nightmare was back in Canterlot, but left just enough energy inside her to keep me 'empowered' for almost 2 days after she went. Outside, rain pattered down on the window and lightning flashed to punctuate the thunder. From my window, I had a clear view down the road, where I could see Rarity's house, Sugar-Cube Corner, and absolutely nothing else that was interesting. It was like gm_flatgrass out there, for fuck's sakes.
"Bloody hell." I grumbled, before getting up and moving to the door. The wooden hallways echoed quietly in the night as all the others were out clubbing or at the bar. I didn't go, I had to write to Doktor, because he was like one of my best friends. As I went down the stairs, I could feel the fire's heat as I came within temperature distance of it, but then I stopped. Why's the fire on...? Shrugging, I approached the kitchen. Inside, the one lightbulb illuminated the room, and told me exactly where everything was. I wanted the knife rack, because that's how I roll.
"Time 4 sharpy :D" I said out loud as I pulled one out, and began to run it through the knife sharpener. After a good ten minutes of proving I'm the most patient colt alive, I stopped and looked it over. Smirking, I sharply plunged it into an apple, and it went through to the hilt. "Shteb shteb shteb >:D" As usual, the small emoticons appeared above my head, causing a slight chuckle from myself. Even after drawing <3 when Blueblood decided to get pissy at me again, the old ':D' face never stopped being funny in a strange way. Suddenly, a voice caught me off guard.
"Having fun?" I heard a distinctive British accent ask. I grabbed the worktop quickly and span around, trying to keep composure. Stood in front of me was Rarity, leaned against the doorframe levitating a cup of tea to her side with a bemused smirk.
"What the hel-how did you even get in here?" I quickly responded, lowering my breathing rate to what a Hummingbird might call normal wing-speed and sheathing the knife in the rack.
"What, you didn't think even I'd want a romantic evening with my coltfriend?" she chuckled. I stared at her. "Ugh, I wanted to spend an evening with Fire, but evidently he's gone to the bar. Thunder, stop moving to the shotgun. Anyway, I arrived here to try surprising him, but that didn't turn out well, since he'd already gone. So, I ended up just sitting here in front of the fireplace, since the rain would ruin my hair, and then I heard the thunder and realised I'd possibly need to stay the night, and if you point that gun at me I'll slap your shit and fill your ass with gems." Sighing, I put the 12-gauge back on its rack. "Hmmph. But, since you're here, I've decided to speak with YOU instead."
"Erm...why did you not go to the bar?" I asked.
"Why didn't you?" she replied smartly. I stared at her, and she chuckled. "I'm going to sit in front of the fireplace, so if you need me, I'll be in the warm." With that, the albaster mare turned tail and trotted away into the living room, her cuppa gently hovering beside her. I stood there, still staring.
"...why the fuck do I still speak to these ponies...?" I grumbled. But since she was offering, and I was bored, so I made myself a cup of tea, and brought it into the living room. Already reclined on the couch was Rarity, her drink sat on the coffee table quite elegantly.
"Oh, good, you decided to join me?" she giggled.
I rolled my eyes in response. "But this is my hou-"
"I'm sure it is, now sit down, dear, we have much to discuss." I was promptly levitated into the air, and forced down into a seat. Then began the longest, and most surprisingly interesting, conversation I'd had for a whole week.

"How the hell did you talk me into this?" I grumbled again as we both trotted to Rarity's in the rain. I was holding the umbrella, and she was calmly walking in my boots. She really had to offer some nice shit for that privilege. She just smiled in response.
"Ahhh, a lady's charm always overcomes the fighter's façade, Thunder. You should know that by now, you've been near me for over a year."
"I don't wear a façade, I wear a Trophy Belt, Double-Cross Comm, and Teu-"
"Whatever, darling." Just then, we reached her front door. Looking up in the night, rain, and dark, I couldn't even see the top of her house. It was a damn big house. I could only hope I'd get a reward for having to walk this far in rain. But Rares didn't seem in much of a rush; she gently levitated her keys from her pocket and slipped them into the key-slot. Slowly, she twisted them, until there was an audible click, then she pushed the door open. Inside it was dark as well, so she flicked a light-switch and illuminated the room I knew from an old date. Once we were inside, she shut, and most worryingly, locked, the door. I cleared my throat, and tensed slightly, since something was up.
"Rarity, what are you doing all this for?" I asked. She looked back up with a grin.
"Your reward, darling." she responded calmly as she stowed her bags away. Then, she moved to the stairs. "Follow me, dear." As she went up, I was literally in terror and happiness at the same time.
Luna's gonna be pissed at this...
Hmm?
Oh, hi, Luna.
Is Rarity luring you upstairs?
Yup.
Grinning and saying it's your reward?
Yup.
Explained she'd broken up with Fire due to the fact he couldn't keep up with her lifestyle and both kept it from being a big thing?
Yu-wait, what? Fire and Rarity broke up?
Mmhmm. This evening. He was at the bar, and they had a mental conversation, which culminated in their break up.
They can do that too?
Pretty much any couple can, as long as one is a unicorn. Anyway, the point is, Rarity's now single.
Aww, that sucks. But why's she leading me upstairs?
Mmm, take a guess.
What? OK, that won't be eas-ohhhhh...right.
Have fun.
You're not against it?
Who implied I was against it when you speak to other mares? I'm too lenient, other mares'd be raging by now. But...go on.
Erm, thanks...I think?
Be sure to tell her I'm interested if she does well.
Lulu, you're fantastic.
I finished the conversation just as I found myself levitated into the air, pushed into a chair, and bound with magic. I didn't panic.
Much.
"Well, here's your reward, Thunder." she laughed. "You get to see me model my own lingerie."
Poomph.

Author's Note

Mmmmm...still like that Team Captain she was wearing with the whip.
I'll give her my Unusual Dead Presidents TC for her birthday.

Спойлер: гром есть план для борьбы с Блюблад, и оно включает умирает.

"To be honest, you look better now." Octavia smiled. As per Poison Joke effects, I now had almost the exact same colour-scheme as Octavia. Even my Cutie Mark was replaced by hers, and from what I could hear my voice took on an even more English tone. Effectively, I was now male Octavia. I looked back with my new purple eyes.
"You're joking, yes?" I sighed. "Seriously, you must be joking. I was smexy enough as blue-and-gold Thunder Mustang, now I'm...Tavi Ocstang. Though I must admit I wondered what it was like to look extremely sexy, it isn't something I'd want all the time." My neck clicked. "I do not enjoy this as much as Christian enjoys copulating with Colgate. But I do enjoy this. You have done well, Lady Octavia." Octavia blushed.
"Oh, why thank you, Gentle." she beamed. "I always ensure that I'm at my finest during the day, and at my 'wildest' at night." I stopped, and looked at her. "What?"
"We're heading to Ponyville." I said.
"Yes?"
"Trixie kicked us out of Ponyville."
"So?"
"She's more powerful than us."
"So?"
"She's a woman."
"Seduce her into submission, then."
"Won't work."
"Why?"
"Because she hates me, and would more than likely end up seducing me instead."
"Take the domination like a stallion. Now, let's keep going, we're almost the-"
Just then, there was a deafening whoosh. Looking up in reaction, I nearly ~~licked Octavia~~ shat myself. Above the entirety of Ponyville, extending all the way to Sweet Apple Acres' outer fence, was a large glass dome. It materialized from literally nowhere, and was now floating above. Octavia and I gawped at it. Then, without warning, a purple thing flew out of Ponyville, and the dome slammed down at an insane pace. This left Octavia and I gawping at the shit that had just happened.
"wtf is this shit" Octavia said in confusion.
"no fukin clue" I replied. What we were saying was appearing over our heads in speech bubbles.
"k lets break in"
"yeh"

After 5 hours, we finally managed to dig a tunnel under the dome. This meant other ponies could escape, and we could get in. I helped Octavia leave the hole, and we were both greeted by a different Ponyville. Ragged banners advertising Trixie were flapping in a wind that shouldn't have existed, the clouds were grey, and the streets were hauntingly empty. All around, windows had been boarded up, wagons flipped, and evidence of past conflicts was visible everywhere. The few ponies walking around looked terribly depressed.
"Good god." I whispered to Octavia. "What has she done to this place?" The grey mare beside me looked like she was about to cry.
"T-this...is shocking..." she whispered back, chin wobbling. Carefully, I wrapped my hooves around her as we sat in an alley. We looked exactly the same now, except I was more...masculine.
"We'll get her. I promise." I soothed. Then, I helped her to her hooves, and galloped off to find the girls and guys. I assumed they'd be at the town hall, since that was the most decorated building and had a lot of light coming from it, but entry through the front door was a stupid idea. I turned to Octavia. "You wait down here. If she comes outside to get you, take this." I reached into my 5th dimension pockets, and pulled out a Strange Pistol. She was highly reluctant to take it. "This is the M9 Point-Defense Weapon, it comes with a nine round magazine, Detachable via the use of this button-"
"Thunder?!"
"-aim, and shoot, don't miss-"
"Thunder!"
"If you can hit her in the head, it'd be an instant-kill-"
"THUNDER!" She yelled. "I'M NOT LEAVING YOU ALONE AGAIN!" I stopped, and blinked.
"...what?"
"I'm not taking the pistol, because I trust you can keep me safe. Bring me with you to the roof of the hall, and I'll help you no matter the cost." I looked at her for a moment.
"...alright."

Another five hours later, I was on a train back to Canterlot. I was back to my normal self, and I was also nursing a wound, being supported by Rainbow and Twilight either side. "...m-my own gun..." I groaned, clutching the hole. "...she sh-shot me...with my own fucking gu-gun..." Twilight frowned.
"Are you sure you're up for this fight with Blueblood?" she asked worriedly. The other guys were looking equally as worried, desperate for me to go to the hospital. I can't even remember any of the five hours, but I remember bring shot. That tends to stick out. Blood was going through the bandages, tinting them red underneath my jacket. "You're badly wounded, maybe you should just sit this one ou-"
"I can't!" I cried. "I've become what I feared I would from the start; a gun-toting, smoking, drinking mare magnet. I hate that life idea! I just wanted some kind of normality! But sanity won't allow it!"
"Ain't no rest for the wicked." Fire sighed.
"And now I've accepted the duel, I can't back down or he'll kill Lulu and Celly, then take the throne! I'm not letting that happen, even if it fucking kills me." A few seconds later, blood loss kicked in, and I passed out.

Author's Note

I watched the music video for Britney Spears' new 'Work' song.
Seriously, that shit is like porn.
Watch it.
Right now.

Anyway, yeah, this was slightly rushed. I can't find a way to make the story flow well from being kicked out of Ponyville, so I intend to pull myself out of this authoristic rut as fast as fucking possible.